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#this is especially true since I have major ADHD and some other health conditions that affect my memory
pastafossa · 2 years
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fellow writer here 👋🏻 I wanted to know what your drafting process was like for TRT…how did the idea come to fruition and how do you draft each chapter? do you follow a plan to guide the story or just wing it? It’s one of the best I’ve ever read and I’ve always wondered what your writing/thought process looks like
Heyo writer friend! I can absolutely talk about this! And I'm going to do the best I can not to sound too much like this:
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-How did the idea become TRT: so after a friend challenged me to try a 2nd POV fic (the only POV I hadn't written yet) and I'd chosen DD, I was trying to think of an idea that I could build a plot around. That was when I saw a little image blurb that said something like, 'In mythology, a red string of fate ties two soulmates together. It can tangle or stretch but will never break.' And my brain went... what if you had someone who could see those threads? And what if there were more threads, more colors, more types of connections? What if you could feel them? The plotline kind of blossomed up around that: obviously it would be useful for tracking, so a Big Bad should want to use it (enter Man in the White Coat funded by the military), and all protagonists need a Big Secret, so I can use one of my favorite tropes of the Morally Grey But Likeable Bad Dude (enter Ciro). I'd also been taught about the seven basic plotlines for large stories, so it made sense to choose a combo of 'Overcoming The Monster' and 'Rebirth' since those are continual themes explored by multiple characters in the DD universe. I also looked for openings to write my take on my favorite tropes from my favorite stories, and so those influences are there if you know what to look for (books like the Dresden Files, sci-fi fare like Stranger Things, etc).
-How the fuck did you plan this beast and the chapters: I do in fact have a guide/outline for TRT to guide me for each chapter! I generally wing it for shorter fics, but once I realized just how big this was going to be and decided I was going to go for it, I knew I needed an outline. I actually figured out what worked based on talking at a con to Mike Laidlaw, who at the time was the creative director of the Dragon Age series at Bioware, which is known for expansive stories with rich, detailed, branching plotlines. I wanted to know how the hell they kept track of everything, and bless him, he talked with me for a good while. They use a combo of a wiki page and twine, and twine was visual which worked well for me - highly, highly recommend twine. I've got my outline broken down in general events/themes/arcs, and then get more detailed as needed, though not too detailed since I like a little freedom in deciding how to do it as the event gets closer. Generally, everything flows downwards into the chapters like so:
Overall arc: these are the two arcs I listed above - Overcoming the Monster and Rebirth. Think 'Destroy the Ring' for LOTR. Even when a bunch of other stuff happens, these are the two eventual end destinations. I've got this broken down into general stages (which will be broken down further, as you'll see below) like, 'Avoiding connection due to fear of WC', 'Reveals WC tracking', 'Decides to stay and fight WC', 'Thread Training As Prep', 'S.H.I.E.L.D. involved to fight WC', 'Almost Caught By WC', etc. This allows me, at a glance, to figure out how the major events are driving everything else that's happening in any given chapter: how is it influencing the emotions of the characters? How is it nudging events along? What clues should I be leaving? Etc. It also lets me figure out how to create a rising arc of tension. This is then broken down further as needed, and I can get as specific as possible (I broke down Miami pretty detailed as I got closer to it). I also try to make sure most of the smaller arcs in the chapters nudge these two plotlines along at least a little. Everything should serve your overall arc in some way, is what I was taught. Admittedly I sometimes deviate from that cause this is fic and it's fun (aka: why this story is so long), but if I were publishing this, I'd snip some of those elements out.
Major Arcs: these are sometimes breakdowns of the overall arc (say, Matt and her relationship, which both plays into the Rebirth arc and also is an arc of its own), and sometimes they're standalone plotlines. If it were a tv show, some of these would be classed as the arcs for a single season rather than the entire show. I've got Matt and her relationship broken down into stages for this - 'Wanting to Connect', 'Struggling Not To Connect', 'Considering Running To Escape Connect', 'Accepting Connection', things like that. I then have those events broken down further, so 'accepting connection', for example, is broken down into the kidnapping arc, which fuels those chapters.
Minor Arcs/Breakdown Arcs: and here is where chapters usually pop up, and the place I might wing it. This is the reason I leave myself some generalities and open doors in the outlines, specifically so I can go with how the story's flowing at present. Sometimes I can write a chapter/scene in from the very beginning before I have the outline worked out, because I know they'll fit SOMEWHERE even if I'm not sure where or how yet. I had the Post-Nobu chapters plotted out from the very beginning, for example, and the Kidnapping plotline was also written up really early on when I was inspired and the muse bit. Other times, when I'm actually drafting a chapter, I look at where we are in the overall arcs and major arcs, figure out how the plot needs to be progressed (or if we just hit something heavy and need a break), and workshop around different ideas until I find one that fits. While drafting it out, I keep notes at the top of goals for that chapter and the driving theme (so Devil Hunt themes/goals are, say, releasing the Devil, displays of relationship trust, thread training, and just plain fun). Then I write out an in-order list of, 'things that need to happen'. I usually re-read the previous chapter, too, so that I can ensure things flow properly from one chapter to the next. Once I've got all that down, I just... sit and write it out in a fairly basic fashion, glancing at the themes as needed, but still allowing myself the freedom to deviate a little if the flow needs to veer off a little, especially since I can nudge things around in editing (fun fact: roughly forty percent of each chapter you read in TRT is added in the editing process!).
So basically, when it comes to drafting chapters and outlines for a long fic or story like TRT, the way I work is: I like having an outline, specifically so I can figure out how to drive the plot and what clues/foreshadowing I need to leave ages ahead of time. At the same time, I always remember to leave myself a little room to breathe in individual chapters. I've found that locking myself in too much can either stifle creativity or I wind up painting myself into a corner. Let your outline and draft be the bones of the story, the muscle and the meat, while the chapters themselves are your clothes, made to be changed and altered as needed.
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tamamita · 2 years
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I guess it’s time to come clean with how I’ve felt these couple of years. So I’ll start with this.
People who have followed me for the past 4-5 years know that I’ve been this giant buff guy wíth a positive look on life, but the truth is that I’ve been in a major depression for a couple of years, and this depression has hit me very hard this year in particular due to many factors. I have not been feeling good, especially when my wife left for Mexico. My general health deteroriated and I took a long break from gymming and have since then not returned. I have not been feeling well about my body ever since and the only method of coping has been through several medias, and that includes my constant activity on Tumblr.
My past has been one gigantic shamble and there are many things that I’ve regretted that could have changed the direction of my life for the better and it hurts me knowing that this is the outcome. I’ve been struggling to make sure that I survive and to fight fiercly to be reuinted with my wife. And had it not been for my wife, I don’t know where I would’ve been tbh. I do miss the good old times with the skitty brand and most of the things that came with it and it did improve my health a lot, but it didn’t hold out for too long, because like every other individual, we grow and the pile of responsibilities in the corner grew as you tried to get around them one by one, only to see that no change had been made.
I never got to be the artist that I had hoped to become due to neglect and social pressure. I dropped out of college and never finished my education, because of my severe depression. I knew that I had adhd, but was in denial out of fear that I’d be shunned and despite being encouraged, my fear got the best of me. My Androgenic alopecia took a massive tool on my confidence and the amount of stress and anxiety only worsened my condition and is the main reason why I have never posted any selfies again. I just... haven’t felt good at all tbh and no matter how many posts you see me make, my true feelings are never expressed, because I simply do not wanna give anyone that impression. Working as a teacher has had its pros and cons, but ever since the beginning of this semester, it only worsened, because I haven’t felt happy with the working conditions. I don’t have the energy and motivation to handle teaching when it’s so disorgnanized. My absense from work only increased as a result of me making up excuses to skip work so I could just lay there on my bed, what’s the point of goinf to work if teachers are getting shit paid anyway. Working as a teacher was only fun for a moment... But what’s the point of being a teacher if your salary is shit on the basis of your being ungraduated, even though you do a much better job than most graduated teachers? sigh... Art has been a way for me to cope and even embracing other aspects of art has been fun to say the least, but looking at so many friends becoming these successful artists made me envy them, but I can’t even pick up my pen most of the time, because my adhd prevents me from doing so... If only I wasn’t confined to the shackles of society, I could have become something that would have made me happy... This isn’t fair.
My wife has been my only moral and mental support and the fact that I’ve been waiting so many years to be reunited caused me to break down several times and I only had my mom to support me. I’ve been lonely ever since and the only thing I could do was to pass time burning my eyes at the computer screen, make posts on tumble, be a wage labourer, waiting for a decision to come from the migration office. I even got Broly (my cat) to keep me company, and while it did partially help me mentally, it’s just not the same.
However, there has been some good news at least, I’m finally getting my male pattern baldness treated and my wife is scheduled for an interview with the Swedish Embassy next month. It’s been arduous, but I just want this pain to go away,
I’m just so tired, you guys...
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system-of-a-feather · 3 years
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How do you feel about endos? Just curious.
Oookay, Riku will probably never get around to this, and while Riku wants to “get all the aspects” addressed in a “diplomatic” manner because it is a “complex and multifaceted discussion”, but they are over thinking this and will literally never do it so I’ll go with the really rough outline that they started and fill it in with what I know of our system.
Sorry if I sound really inflammatory, I’m not a diplomatic person lel 
Also, for comedy sake, I am going to maintain everything Riku kept in this outline and try my best to fill it out. A lot of this I am completely lost on so, there will be moments where I am clearly confused lel
I may get some of our opinions “wrong” because I’m kind of taking a guess from my access of the brain, so I apologize if Riku looks at any asks or reblogs we might get from this and goes WHY DID ADERIS SAY THAT?! I’m trying my best
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Overall TLDR Opinion: So as a system, we don’t like to be too involved in it publicly. Its a multilayered complex topic with too much nuance for it to be worth advocating for or against, and with how large of a cultural phenomenon it is, it isn’t going to change with us. We don’t think it is likely that DID can be formed without trauma, but we also don’t write it off fully. We strongly however do not like “intentional” systems and find it really offensive and gross. With that being said, we also recognize issues in being too forward about that, so we don’t bother with it much.
More details below the keep reading.
-Aderis (Local Discourse Alter)
Can I follow if…
Yes. We really don’t limit or care who is following us. If you identify as an endogenic, singlet, fictionkin, a roll of toothpaste, we really don’t mind or care. I mean, we’d prefer if transphobes and homophobes and all those gross things weren’t following us because honestly - G r o s s - but also like, whatever.
I guess the only people we don’t want following are people that are actively going to use our posts to hurt others or to fetishize trauma or anything? I don’t think we have much worry for that but yeah nah. If you are endogenic or whatever, you can still follow. Just know that our writing isn’t written for an endogenic crowd.
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Stages of Understanding DID and Endogenic Spaces
I don’t FUCKING know what Riku meant this. What the FUCK is “stages of understanding DID”? I’ve been sitting here for like... five minutes trying to understand what that meant, but I *think* they were trying to get at the idea of how people come to terms with DID.
If that is the case, then one reasons we don’t want to bash or actively advocate against endogenics is that identifying as an endogenic / endogenic-parallel concepts or finding concepts put out there by endogenics is kind of a stage / easier way to accept the situation since it doesn’t carry to baggage of having to accept that you were abused / mistreated. 
It isn’t necessarily the healthiest and there is a large concern of getting misinformation and feeding the denial or learning really bad coping mechanisms through those environments, so we don’t think it is a **good** purpose or environment to be in, but the last thing we’d want is to force people who are still struggling to understand their mental state and come to terms with the past that they *have* to admit that they were really fucked up and hurt by things that had happened in the past.
We have a lot of mixed feelings and don’t have a firm stance on if that role in coming to terms with DID is good or not so we really don’t know there or have firm opinions. Since we don’t have firm opinions, we default to “we don’t want to rush / control / dictate what other people with DID are doing in their path of healing and we don’t want to rush people’s healing journey with DID” so we refrain from involving or telling people one thing or the next.
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Intentional Systems / Tulpamancy Systems
We think they are really offensive and problematic. We instantaneously unfollow and block systems that claim to be intentional, and we tend to unfollow people who post about intentional systems. That is the part of the endogenic community we have very little patience for.
We do know there are still probably actual DID / OSDD systems out there that use those terms to write off their condition similar to endogenics mentioned above, but the amount of damage these ones do and the just straight up often horrible thoughts and opinions about DID that they have outweighs our opinion on not budding our head where it doesn’t belong.
Don’t fetishize / make our disorder a fun thing.
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Median Systems
Uhh.... I think Riku was going to mention something about how we found out that some people have multiple people in their head through median systems and came to understand that as ourselves and learned beyond that???
I don’t really know what stands out in specific about Median Systems though. I think there might be an opinion somewhere about BPD and Median systems? But generally we also put this in the same categroy as “stages of understanding DID”. Maybe if Riku comes around they can explain if they even know.
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Can you have a system without trauma?
Oooookaaay, this is one Riku would be 10000% better at answering because they have a lot of nerd stuff about this about science and psychology and statistics and research and shit. I’m not that savvy in those topics though? So I guess I’ll give you a quick rundown from the gist.
We don’t think that it is likely that you can have a system - a true dissociative system with dissociated parts - without trauma. That though comes with the key word “likely”. We are very much open to the possibility / idea that other methods could form dissociated parts and are actually a bit keen into maybe some day doing research on it. Science and research has backed that DID is formed due to disorganized attachment to caregivers and repeated trauma at a young age, but DID is very under researched, psychology is a soft science, and very little about the conscious, identity, and dissociation is actually firmly known.
Until the exact neurological structure / reasoning / process to how DID forms and how it differs from those that don’t have it, we really hesitate to put it in any box because that’s really not how mental health works. It might be that the majority of cases are due to trauma, but theoretically other disorders can cause pretty dissociation and if said disorders occurred at a young enough age, then theoretically maybe something like that could happen. There is somewhere in this brain a tab on ADHD or something, but I can’t go into that cause I really wouldn’t do it a service.
The really condensed version is we don’t think so with our current understanding and readings, but we don’t think it is 100% certain and there is a very reasonable possibility that there is something out there, a different path way that can cause the DID we know - or a different condition that looks and appears similar to DID but is fundamentally different.
You rarely ever *know* anything in psych, especially with something so abstract of a disorder with little research on it such as DID and how consciousness / states of consciousness work in the brain to really be claiming anything so certainly.
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Should endogenics be considered DID?
I don’t care?? Honestly, our system is generally of the consensus that until evidence comes to show that it is possible AND the same disorder, then no. And even then, I think the question Riku meant was “should endogenics and DID be related / equated / in the same space” which is a strong no.
Even if endogenics are real and are possible, the amount of which trauma plays into what we currently know as DID is so ridiculous that there is honestly little overlap other than the “same hat” of having multiple parts in a body. So much of DID is much more about “spicy” C-PTSD with the exclusive DLC of thick dissociative barriers. A lot of our experience is centered around navigating trauma and helping parts grow beyond the trauma that seeded their existence and I really don’t know how much of that would be able to be properly understood and shared with someone who has NO trauma? I also feel as though inherently the dynamics between parts would HAVE to be extremely different without trauma because all of the “roles” in our system are fundamentally absed on how we are because of our trauma and how we cope and manage things.
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Endogenics on Social Media / Practically Speaking?
We leave them alone for the most part. If they aren’t being toxic or spreading misinformation, its really not our deal to care about much - and even then it really isn’t. We have a lot of other things in our life to care about and we really don’t have the time or energy to get worked up, heated, stressed, or anything because we see someone claiming to have parts without trauma. 
I say let people be people and do things as people do so long as they aren’t harming anyone. We disagree and are technically “sysmeds” or whatever, but like, its not that huge of a thing.
Anyways, that’s all.
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ashekirk · 4 years
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Have typed up a document to give to my psychiatrist at my appointment at the end of the month. I don’t want to leave any doubt that I need ADHD treatment immediately.
The Case For Me Having ADHD
Using a list of symptoms from the Mayo Clinic for Adult ADHD, I will elaborate on the ways each symptom applies to my daily life.
I cannot stress enough how much of a problem my ADHD symptoms are for my daily life. I neglect all basic tasks, including showering, brushing teeth, cleaning my cat’s litter box, cooking, cleaning, and that’s just things at home. I have been unemployed for many years and I don’t think that I could get it together enough to actually hold down a job.
Mayo Clinic website:
https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/adult-adhd/symptoms-causes/syc-20350878
Adult ADHD symptoms may include:
Impulsiveness I am very impulsive when it comes to eating. I have a major sweet tooth and once I start eating something sweet, I cannot stop myself from eating all of it – for example, an entire pack of biscuits, lollies, or chocolate. Paired with an inability to make myself prepare meals and my complete lack of interest in bland foods, I have a very unhealthy diet. Additionally, many people would call me an impulse buyer when it comes to hobbies. It’s true that I am very often buying things online, though I have managed to keep a lid on my spending enough to get by on a Newstart allowance for many years.
Disorganization and problems prioritizing In my head, I can prioritise just fine, but when it comes to actually doing things, very often the most pertinent tasks are the ones I cannot bring myself to do, so I instead end up doing anything else. Organisation is one of those things I want to do, but then when I try to do it, I hate it. So, my room and workspaces are a complete mess, and although I wish I could keep them organised, I just don’t want to think about it, and it’s easy for me to ignore. The mess just becomes part of the scenery. I have to step over clothes to go in and out of my room, because somehow it’s easier to step over them multiple times a day than to pick them up and put them on hangers. The clothes I have that ARE on hangers, I ignore because that isn’t where I’m conditioned to get my clothes from. So I just use a very small pool of clothing that gets stored in plain sight. It’s almost an “out of sight out of mind” situation.
Poor time management skills The time does get away from me a lot. There are times where all I have to do is post something, but it takes me a couple of days to actually get to the post office during opening hours because it takes me so long to start my day and muster up the motivation to go anywhere. Other times, I am so absorbed in a task that I have no idea how long I’ve been there and suddenly I’m starving or my bladder is almost in pain from fullness that I’ve not even noticed until it was this bad.
Problems focusing on a task Tasks are virtually impossible for me to focus on if I’m not very interested in the subject matter. I cannot read books, haven’t been able to so much as pick one up since I was a teen, and even then there were times I would read a page and none of it was actually absorbed, so I had to read it again. Sometimes if I can manage to initiate a task, I am so disinterested in it that my depression and anxiety kick in, making mundane tasks such as exercising and browsing job listings actively harm my mental health for the whole time I am doing them. As such, I avoid these tasks as much as humanly possible. In the workplace, I have been known to have panic attacks if I am forced to do things I don’t want to do. By far the hardest thing for me is to physically begin to do tasks my brain has decided it won’t do. It just puts up a barrier that I cannot penetrate. I believe this is called executive dysfunction. It prevents me from doing almost all everyday chores a majority of the time. It is my biggest problem with functioning in life and is the reason my freelance businesses have failed.
Trouble multitasking While I can happily play a video game and listen to a podcast simultaneously, switching between tasks is an issue. For example I am writing this currently, and cannot do anything else until I’m finished, because if I do, I don’t think I’ll ever get back to doing this because my interest will be broken. Heck, I can spend months doing a hobby every day, and as soon as I let myself have a break from it, I no longer want to do that thing, sometimes ever. And for things that I really loved doing, it is heartbreaking to find I can’t get even a little excited about it any more. Many times I can be engaged in an activity, and having my concentration broken is an ordeal – I could have all these interconnected thoughts running in my head, then bam, they’re gone in a split second and I no longer comprehend the complicated thing I was doing a moment ago. I think this is why I have not been able to reach full competence in coding, and why I had a lot of trouble with high school maths.
Excessive activity or restlessness For me, this manifests in somewhat hidden ways. See I have a chronic lack of physical energy. However, my mind races almost all the time, I have to always be doing something even if it’s just scrolling Twitter or listening to a podcast. Normally it’s both. Or playing a video game. When I’m sitting on a couch or chair, my leg will bounce up and down involuntarily, especially if my mind is engaged in a stimulating activity. If I’m standing, I might pace. If I’m in bed, I will be tossing and turning. Sometimes I will have insomnia, other times I will sleep 12 or more hours at a time. I get bored very easily, which is why I am always keeping myself occupied. However, when I’m doing nothing I will often start thinking about all the problems in my life and get quite depressive. I am known to cry out of seemingly nowhere when I am having those thoughts, so I distract myself with podcasts all day and night.
Poor planning For me it’s more like planning is as far as I get. I can plan things until the cows come home, but never put the plans into action. I dream and plan and sketch things and figure out details of some creative thing like a story or comic book, but then the doing just becomes an insurmountable barrier and I give up.
Low frustration tolerance I certainly experience this when it comes to doing things that take a lot of practice or repetition. Learning an instrument, playing particularly hard video games, doing jobs that involve unending repetitive tasks (such as working on checkouts). Anything I do where I feel like I’m getting nowhere – even if I’m not, in the case of learning something; if it is taking too long, I get sick of it and eventually come to hate it. Fortunately I am a fast learner, so there are plenty of skills I have been able to learn – just not things like a guitar or a new language, things that take years to even get a basic level of competency.
Frequent mood swings Fortunately I do not experience this much. However I do get panic attacks from time to time, which can appear sudden to the outside observer. I am on mood stabilisers, however, so I can’t really say either way. Currently though, I merely experience a consistent tired, sad mood with the occasional respite of laughing at a funny meme.
Problems following through and completing tasks I have countless creative projects I’ve started and abandoned because I lost the excitement I had for them. It’s one of the hardest parts of my life. I even spent years on a video game that I can’t bring myself to work on any longer even though I have the whole thing planned out and even a demo released. This is repeated again and again throughout my life.
Hot temper If I feel anger, it is almost always in response to injustices I see in society. I believe it is a justified anger. Other than that, I would say I am an unusually even-tempered person. If I do get annoyed or frustrated with another person I am most likely to vent about it on the internet instead of acting out.
Trouble coping with stress Since I have anxiety, yes, my stress reaction tends to involve panic attacks, insomnia, and misery. I cannot deal with stress, which is the only reason I’m glad not to have had a full time job since 2011. I was fired from that 2011 job for venting on Twitter about how stressful and unfair my job was at the time, who had been forcing me to stay back late into the night to help finish a publication.
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