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#this is just my mindset on it and why i do it
stars4chratt · 15 hours
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Subconscious
Pairing: Matt x fem!reader
Warnings: Again, smut / use of drugs / confessing / cocky to sub!Matt / softdom!reader / high sex (i do not condone this in any way guys, just a fair warning) / praise / stoner!Matt / grinding / handjob / vanilla(ish) / mommy kink / pet names (sweetheart, princess, mommy, etc etc) / a trip (no pun) / aftercare / a lot of swearing
Summary: The reader and Matt have been the best of friends ever since they were eleven. As they got older, the more vulnerable they were to alcohol and drugs. Matt would always be by her side getting high and drunk at desolate and abandoned parks, or maybe even in Matt’s room. Matt and the reader agreed to only stick to natural stuff like weed. But now, they’re taking it up a notch by taking a round and earthy psychedelic.
Author’s Note: stoner Matt > as i’m writing this i have Matt’s recorded twitch streams playing in the back. MY BAD I KEEP ADDING THE SWEETHEART PET NAME WITH MATT I JS LOVE IT SM ESP AFTER THE BAGS TT. Anyways, this wasn’t requested or anything this is something i just really wanted to write because i love it when there's a best friend trope weaved in <3 HOPE YOU ENJOYYYY. From Maxine, with love ♡.
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“Are we still friends? Can we be friends?” - ARE WE STILL FRIENDS?, TYLER THE CREATOR
╔══ஓ๑♡๑ஓ══╗
Matt has always had an obsession with spirituality and the 60s. From the posters of Jimi Hendrix on his walls, to the deluxe edition Beatles vinyl records that sit alongside the vintage record player on his hardwood dresser.
Ever since Matt’s dad bought a collection of thrifted CDs for his car when he was only a toddler, he fell in love with psychedelic rock and the whole new era of love and peace and tranquil that came around in the mid to late 20th century.
Whenever he isn’t in his cramped and maximalist abode smoking bubba kush, he’s out going to underground stores which sell abstract and kaleidoscopic clothes and fashion statements in general.
The vibrant colours and the political mindsets and the pure lack of fucks to give during the time period has Matt enamoured. Calling him a big fan would be putting it extremely lightly.
You and Matt first met in 6th grade of middle school. From what you can remember, you were sitting next to him.
He was laser focused on his assignment with big and obvious headphones clasped onto his head.
Bobbing his head slowly to the smooth and flowy melodies, you pat him on the shoulder.
He turns his head and immediately pulls the headphones to the side so one of his ears perks out.
“What music are you listenin’ to?” Matt instantly thinks you’re about to ridicule him. He, for some odd reason, has always been the victim of mockery. You never understood why, he’s such a cool and chilled out kid.
“O-oh…um…” Matt stutters nervously. He was truly unsure of what to say or do in this situation. You could feel the fight or flight trigger in his hard gaze.
“Gimme the headphones! I wanna listen.” Exclaiming with an odd sense of compassion. Matt furrows his eyebrows and looks at you funny but still gives you his headphones anyway.
You whiz the headphones around your ears and onto your head. The hallucinatory notes mixing with the light and staticky voices put you in a heavy but pleasing trance.
You feel a big smile wipe across your face clean as you look back at Matt staring at you impatiently. Silently telling you ‘give me my headphones back, you weirdo.’
“This is so cool! What’s the song called?” You speak enthusiastically, still with a big grin on your profile.
Matt’s eyes light up slightly at you. You can’t tell if it’s because he’s shocked at your interest in this type of thing or because he was alarmed by how bubbly and enthusiastic you are.
“Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds… It’s by the Beatles.” He drawls out, now looking down at the floor and fidgeting with his fingers.
“Siiiiiick. Are there any more songs like this one?” You hand him back his headphones, you start to rock in your chair in anticipation and out of looking for something to do now that you don’t have the sensory fulfilment that is Matt’s music taste.
“Oh of course. They’re a band with a bunch of other songs and albums, kid.” Matt calling you kid after almost instantaneously sparking an acquaintance with you makes you giggle to yourself. What a funny nickname for someone you just met.
“Well, can you show me them? Pretty please?” You utter with an exaggerated pout on your lips as you flutter your eyelashes at him. You intertwine your hands and rest them at the side of your face to hyperbolise the sad puppy look, making Matt chuckle lightly.
“Fine…there are many other bands like them, y’know.”
“Show me those ones too!” Yelling down his ear with eagerness, he flinches at your noisiness and covers his ear you just bellowed in.
“Ugh.” He scoffs in annoyance, whilst you’re sitting across him with the biggest twinkle in your eye.
“Yay! Thank youuuuu.” Your genuine excitement makes his face flush into a deep maroon. He turns his head around in embarrassment, trying not to maintain eye contact.
“Yeah whatever, kid.”
˗ˏˋ ꒰ ♡ ꒱ ˎˊ˗
NINE YEARS LATER
“Wanna try it?”
What Matt has in his hands is a vacuum sealed metallic bag. You could not make out what it is but you knew for sure it was some kind of drug.
“What the fuck is it? I thought we made an agreement that we weren’t gonna do chemical shit. Y’know how I feel about that.” You scrunch your nose in both confusion and disgust. Yet you were still curious as to what Matt was holding in his hand.
“Kid, have you never heard of magic mushrooms before? Jesus, for someone who smokes a fuck ton of wedding cake, you seem to have no clue what these boomers are.”
“I do know what a fucking magic mushroom is, Matt. I just didn’t want it to be a bag of heroin or some shit like that.” Your legs cross whilst you look at him through your eyelashes. You’re genuinely hesitant since you’ve never tried a mushroom before. Yeah, you smoked weed. But this is a whole different thing. This is a literal psychedelic.
“Heroin at mass is sold in baggies or balloons, stupid.” He chortles. “As I was saying, are you gonna try it with me or nah?” He chucks the small pouch at you. 
There’s a small plastic window where you can see the muddy fungi inside. You cringe in distaste, you wonder to yourself where the fuck he got them from. Incredibly skittish, you want to back out. But curiosity and temptation is killing you at the same time.
“I don’t think I wanna try this Matt. It seems stupid.” You scoff. Matt smirks down at you and grabs the bag again.
“Don’t knock it ‘till you try it, kid. It’s just mushrooms, you’re not gonna die.” He waves the sealed bag tantalisingly around your face.
“Fine, fine whatever.” You give him the bird and suck your teeth. He chuckles like a little child at your offensive remarks. He offers you the bag again.
“Ladies first.” He remarks cunningly.
You break open the packet and receive a heavy waft of dirt. You turn your head the other way immediately as a natural reaction. The strong scent makes your face almost turn inside out in repulsion.
“You’re so dramatic.” Matt smirks. You turn back at him with a mean glare.
“You sniff it, then. ‘Cuz you’re soooo tough.” You jitter mockingly right up in his face. Dragging your hand right under his nostrils for him to get a whiff. His eyebrows knit close together and screw his eyes shut.
“Who’s dramatic now? Hm?” Your teasing rhetoric strikes one of his nerves. He immediately plunges his hand in the bag and takes the squishy piece of matter.
“Hey hey, slow down. Let me get one out.” You yell out at him in shock at his lack of hesitancy. He rolls his eyes with impatience while your shivering hand places itself into the plastic bag to pick one out.
“Oh yeah, just so y’know, this could last up to 5 hours.” Matt states super casually. Your eyebrows raise as you look back up at him. You’re not all that surprised though. What were you expecting? It's not plain jane weed, it’s mushrooms.
“I don’t give a fuck anymore, let’s just get this over with.” 
Soon after you said that, you both hastily gulped the abnormal saprophyte down. Both of your faces contort at the peculiar taste and texture.
“Eurgh… that was the worst.” You gag at the displeasure going down your throat and into your digestive system.
“Yeah, this is a one time thing for sure.” Matt affirms with a deep frown. He turns to his queen sized bed with silk sheets and plops down next to you.
“When will these hit?” You quiz him curiously. Tangling and playing with the strands of your hair out of a way to distract yourself from what you just did.
“It's the same principle as an edible, it’ll take a while to hit. So don’t take another one.” He mumbles inconspicuously since his face is half smushed into his soft mattress.
“Shall we smoke some weed while we wait?”
“No, dude. We’d literally die. Let’s not fuckin’ kill ourselves from severe psychosis tonight, yeah?” 
You smile at his stupid banter. It’s what made Matt so appealing to you. His dry humour alongside his ridiculous behaviour when you’re both stoned as shit is like taking a breath of fresh air. Knowing each other for almost ten years and you two still never get tired of each other. Constantly hanging out, doing stupid and reckless shit ever since you two were tweens. True best friends.
˗ˏˋ ꒰ ♡ ꒱ ˎˊ˗
A while has passed, and the both of you are so far out of your heads. Every single time you turn to look at each other, the more distorted everything gets. You see things you don’t actually see, you hear things you don’t actually hear, you smell things you don’t actually smell. The tie dye-like swirls on Matt’s tapestries that hang proud on his walls disfigure and circle around putting you under a strict hypnosis.
“Holy shit…” Matt’s voice rattles through your cochleas, making your head sting from the blare. You move around to see him while your vision oversaturates and wiggles with no rhythm or control. 
“W-what is going on…” The bare echoes of your voice tingles your senses. The soft scent of Matt’s white musk incense blazing in the background fills the crevices of your nostrils and massages your brain, it was the only thing soothing you from the extremity of the situation.
“Matt…I’m scared…What the fuck is going on.” Abruptly, the effects on your voice quickly transitions into a thick static. The sensory overload inflicts the both of you. You feel incredibly overwhelmed and almost spiral into a state of panic.
“I’m here, I promise.” Matt mutters under his breath. His clammy hands take a hold of your wrist firmly. You look up at him to see his pupils viciously dilated while finding it hard to breathe.
“I’m so scared.” You shudder. Pure anxiety soaks you up but is squeezed back out when Matt moves your head to rest on his shoulder. He tilts his head so it lays on top of yours.
“It’s going to be okay, sweetheart. I promise.” Your heartbeat pounds rapidly. You don’t say or do anything both because you’re way too high as well as wanting to savour this moment since you purely assume this will never happen ever again.
Why is Matt being so soft with you? Ever since you two first met, he’s never been the type to call you these names.
“From now on. Weed n’ fuckin’ weed only.” You demand in a serious manner. Matt sighs out a laugh while he strokes your hair in reassurance. “Of course… p-princess.”
You purse your lips as a way to try and hide the excitement from Matt calling you these sudden names. A million thoughts come racing through your mind all at once. You’ve gotten both high and drunk with Matt on several occasions. Are the mushrooms that strong?
Your vision is still eradicated and infused with neon reds and pinks. You want to close your eyes but when you’re in pitch black darkness, the patterns become more prominent and it freaks you out to an extreme.
You hear Matt whisper delicately which makes your ears perk up indefinitely. You twist your neck to look up at him for his gaze to meet yours. His mouth hangs slightly open with his pupils large and his eyebags hang low across his defined cheekbones.
“l-like…you..” He sputters out. He sounds like he has no more control left in the muscles of his face any more. Jesus christ, this shit is strong. 
“...huh…” Rebound of the vowels smushed on your tongue and teeth is elevated by the effects of the drug. Both you and Matt are incredibly discombobulated. You raise yourself from underneath Matt’s figure for you to try your absolute best to attempt to understand what he just said.
Matt’s now looking up at you through the locks of hair that drape over his low and inflamed eyes.
“I really…really like you… like, ‘ver since… I-I got to know you better in 6th grade…I now have a decent excuse for why I’m telling you this... I’m fucking tripping balls.” He laughs it off as if he didn’t just confess his feelings to you off the rip right in front of you, face to face.
You just sit there gazing down at him bewildered with your mouth agape. He clenches his lips shut and frowns slightly, averting his gaze down to the bed in regret of just blurting that out.
“Matt…w-what the fuck…” Immediately after you utter this question, Matt slaps his hand over his mouth and starts to slightly curl himself up into a little ball like a shrivelled raisin. 
“I’m sorry… I’m sorry I-I ruined the experience… I thought you felt the same way and I was thinking too quickly ahead of myself I-I’m really sorry-”
You pat both of Matt’s shoulders and force his head up to look at you.
“Matt, I-It’s okay… I promise you. I-I feel the same. I know we’re both high as fuck right now, but I know for sure t-that I’m telling the truth. I really like you, Matt.”
His body loosens underneath you in reaction to your words. Your thumb rubs softly over his defined cheekbones. The frown on his face turned upside down completely into a large smile. 
Your big and swollen pupils squint down at him. His heavy breaths, his cherry pink lips resting lazily and hanging slightly open, and his frizzy  and dishevelled hair that drapes gracefully over his droopy eyes.
Everything about him, the whole sight of him makes you soaked at your core.
Your thighs clench together in desperation and you grit down onto your bottom lip intensely. The flesh of your hand is still resting on Matt’s face. You can feel the pricklyness of his stubble on your very fingertips.
The two of you just stare at each other, admiring every little thing about one another. In a comfortable but loud silence. The effects of the drug are still sharp around the edge, jabbing and stabbing both of your 5 main senses.
You feel your body start to give in and fall forward into Matt. Your forehead clashes with his. Your large breaths blend together.
Abruptly, he tilts his head up. His lips just graze against yours. You can tell he’s desperate with his eyes full to the brim with lust and eroticism. You pull away lightly with a smirk on your face whilst Matt writhes and squirms. He tries to follow your head so he can make contact with your mouth. He really wants to kiss you.
Seeing him this vulnerable makes you melt. What once was a bad-mouthing, cocky and smug little shit who smoked with you every week was now gone. He’s now tripping on mushrooms underneath you with a throbbing semi.
You manoeuvre yourself over so both of your legs are spread on top of him. You’re in a cowgirl position, with Matt. 
His prick pulses harshly beneath your heat. The only thing stopping the contact between the two of you are your clothes. Matt’s now fully hard, to the point where his dick has developed a tent in his harem pants. 
You start to sway your hips back and forth. Matt’s head flips back fully and his mouth hangs open. His Adam's apple is fully revealed and bobs up and down marginally. His hefty breathing now transitioned into hot and rowdy moans and whimpers.
“Look at me baby, look at me while I grind on your cock.” You finally spoke, after there was nothing but whines and sobs filling the air.
“Y-yes mommy…” You sigh out a sharp laugh. Knowing your arrogant friend who’s always causing a riot with alcohol and dope is now rock hard thanks to you, moaning and whining into your ear like a little bitch fills you with an overwhelming sense of fulfilment.
“Yeah that’s right, be a good boy for me. Keep calling me mommy.” You feel as though you could do anything to him right this second. You had all of the power and control over Matt. Your teeth grit together and the smirk on your face largens.
“You make me feel so good, Mommy. Y-you’re gonna make me cum…” The words come spilling out of his mouth like calm waves of the ocean. What used to be the intense sound of his voice from the drugs now turned silky smooth from the euphoria spooling out from your sensitive nerves.
You stop rocking your hips on top of his cock. Matt looks up at you with his bottom lip concealed fully inside his mouth by his teeth. 
“Take your pants off baby, lemme make you cum properly.” You command him pompously. Immediately, he speedily grasps at his waist band and tugs it down his thighs.
His cock bounces out of the loose fabric. The tip was swollen and pink with precum dripping out thickly. The rhythm of his breath matched with the harsh trembling of blood flow to his dick. 
“Jesus Christ… and I barely did anything to you, not yet anyway.” You tease. Matt’s face jams up with impatience and knuckles his hands into his vibrant sheets.
“P-please just touch me. I really wanna cum mommy.” He pleads eagerly. His eyebrows furrowed deeply into his skin and his face splashed apricot pink. His whole body shivers. Anticipating heavily for your skin to press into his.
You reach out your hand and wrap it loosely around his large and thick cock. You slither down his shaft slowly in a jesting manner. You leer up at Matt to see him gaping down at you, panting stiffly.
Your pace on his dick starts to quicken. Your fingers clench tightly around him making him jolt up into your hand.
Matt loses all control within himself and starts to thrust up and down hastily. Practically fucking your hand. You push him down with your other palm and hold him into place. You shoot him a mean stare as he gulps down what was left of his pride.
“Don’t move.” The stern tone infused in your voice makes Matt quiver. He tugs at the collar of his shirt and pulls it up his face to conceal his severe embarrassment.
What’s happening right now tells you one thing that you never would’ve thought would be the case. Matt loves being controlled. He admires the idea of being dominated. And you are contributing to that fantasy.
The pad of your index and middle finger press onto his fleshy, rosy-red tip faintly. A choked up whine crawls out of his throat and his legs rise upwards but your weight stops them.
“M-mommy… please don't stop... I’m gonna cum.”
“Do it baby. Don’t be shy. Be a good boy for mommy and cum.” You start to go faster and more harsh on his sensitive tip. Matt’s entire body shakes and his hips buck and lock into place.
“Cumming mommy, c-cumming...”
His tip suddenly spurts out long thick strings of his load. Onto your face, your hand, your clothes, your chest, everywhere. Every single time a white rope would come spilling out of his prick, an intense shiver would shoot through his body and his shirt is now crumpled into its original place.
He gasps intimately while you sit there with his seed still dripping down your face. 
Matt’s eyes suddenly widen and he raises his entire figure in a panic to grab the box of tissues on his bedside table.
“No no, don’t worry. I got it.” You disclose to him delicately. You tug out a few sheets of tissue and wipe at his skin from the waist below.
“I’m sorry for making such a mess… I didn’t think it would be that bad.” Matt utters sorrowfully. He pulls his pants back up and you grab more tissues.
He takes hold of your wrist to take the tissues from you. He places his thumb onto your chin to position you as he folds the tissues.
“It’s fine Matt, I enjoyed it. A lot, actually.” You grin compassionately as Matt swipes at your face with the tissues.
“I think that’s the first and last time we’re ever gonna do mushrooms, though.” He snickers, crumpling the dirty tissues and chucking them into the bin lying at the side of the bed.
“Yeah, one time thing.” You rest your head on his stomach, you rise and fall with his breathing.
"Can I braid your hair?" Matt casually inquires. "I have a bunch of charms and hair ties."
You beam a smile from ear to him, your face fills up with a cherry blossom pink.
"Yeah, of course Matt."
╚══ஓ๑♡๑ஓ══╝
Author’s Note No.2: I think this will most definitely have a part 2. I have no complaints with making a series, if you haven’t already noticed with me always bringing up pins n’ needles. This took me a while to write because I’ve been busy with exams and social life. But I finally completed one after 2 weeks!!! Yayyy!! ‘Till next time, pooks.
༝༚༝༚, Maxine.
Taglist: @gamermattsgf @luverboychris @worldlxvlys @chrissystur @chaosisalwayscrying @bellasfavbisexual @luvmxtt @tillies33ssss @breeloveschris
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WIBTA for mentioning college again to my online friend, despite her telling me she knows it's not for her/not making a decision about it right now?
We both turned 18 this year, and are in our last years of highschool, and hopefully will both graduate this year! We met two years ago, and call and play games together sometimes, send each other selfies, share our silly crushes—she's the best girl friend I have right now and im very grateful for her.
Some info about me: both of my parents grew up very low income and from rough places and got full scholarships/a deal(like they pay for your college, and then you work for them after), because of this they're financially doing much better than both their families(my mother regularly sending money back home to pay for surgeries , bills, etc.). All of this is to say I've been raised with the mindset that higher education is my ticket to bettering my life, and I take school very seriously. I live in an area with a lot of immigrants, and all my friends do plan on going to college. Here is my disclaimer that I know college is *not* for everyone, and you do not need to go to college to be successful. But my friend is in the same stage in life as me, and I think it could be beneficial for her. She's not the best student at all(also home-schooled and does online schooling), but she's passing all her classes. We've talked about it before and I've asked if she's thought about college, and she said no because everyone in her family who went was just left with debt. Additionally she's not motivated in school now, so she doesn't think she would be motivated in college and would just end up as a "money dump". She's also talked about college with her mom, who said that she was only 18 and didn't need to make decisions about it right now. Right now her plan is to get a minimum wage job after high school(she's mentioned a fast food chain). I do think it would be good for her to get out of the house because right now she's basically stuck at home because her mom doesn't like going places. To my knowledge she has no friends irl, because of the homeschooling. Which is one of the reasons why I think college would be great for her--the chance to be with other people your own age.
We've only talked about college one time where I just asked, and after that I haven't mentioned it because I don't want to act like I have any say in her life decisions or make her feel bad. I've just been thinking about it lately because logically to me it seems like if she did want to go to college, now would be the best time because she would have the support of her online school where she has a counselor. Her mom didn't go to college and she isn't in regular contact with her dad.
For more context my family is middle class and I'm not sure what her financial situation is, but I do know comfortable but not deeply so. I would hate to bring up college if it's something she knows she cant afford( but long term I think going to college would help her make more money than any job she started now, which is why Im thinking about bringing it up again). I don't know if this is enough context, and I'm willing to provide more! I'll admit I'm not the smartest teen out there, so if you see any thing wrong with my thinking or think I'm a total asshole please tell me and I'll check my behavior. Im also keeping in mind her lack of motivation that she mentioned she had in school, and of course her mental health and wellbeing is of like. the utmost importance.
so, would I be the asshole for bringing up college with her again, despite knowing her situation? I really love this friend and the last thing I would want to do with her is be disrespectful and insensitive. thank you for very much, Tumblr! any advice you can give in the comments would be greatly appreciated.
What are these acronyms?
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xzhdjsj · 3 hours
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Zaros x Reader
You leave Serulla, only returning when danger threatens your kingdom
This fic is based on THIS brilliant theory by @astralbulldragon13. I simply couldn't get it out of my head and had to write about it I have to say I'm not very happy with the way this came out, but I spent too much time on it to not post it😭
Also, this is really long (almost 3.5k words) idk how it happened🤡 when I started writing it, I just couldn't stop. Plz let me know if i made any mistakes
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"There, you win. Your son is now the Eminence, but know this, if you try to rule my kingdom vicariously through your Zaros, or control his new life in any way, there is no where you could go, no hole you can hide in, that I won’t find you."
-
The realisation dawned on you, way before the trials began. You weren’t interested in the throne; that wasn’t where your heart lies. That position was polished and refined for your brother, but guilt has its ways of twisting one's mind and kept you fighting for a life that was stolen from him, replacing a prodigy child that was stolen from your mother.
Zaros' insults and demeaning remarks only contributed to your mindset, though that didn’t make them any less hurtful. How could they not be? Especially when coming from someone you admired and cherished. They were fuel to the fire, a constant reminder of how unfit you are.
It was hard to imagine yourself as a good ruler anyways. Sure, you were knowledgeable, but what good is education with no real experience or empathy for the struggles of your people? Not to mention being cloaked by a porcelain mask 24/7, designed and altered to meet the needs of the people around you.
Zaros, on the other hand, was different. His pernicious attitude cracked the corners of your mask, forcing raw emotions to erupt to daylight. It was a distasteful experience considering your position, but deep down you never felt more alive than when you could be yourself with him, throwing insults right back into his face. It forced the masked persona to face the real you and come to terms with what you wanted, before it was too late.
You wanted a life that was yours to live, a life where you could be yourself. Not one you are forced to live, or a person you are required to be. There were things you had to let go of and things you needed to learn.
By himself, Zaros would be a skillful leader capable of building a successful future for Serulla. He had the experience that you lacked, that alone could potentially secure Serulla a brighter future than you could ever offer. The only threat was his mother, Nira Atha’lin. She was obnoxious, quick to point out every miniscule flaw and mistake in your ways, if Zaros was unbearable, she was enough to push you to insanity. Her personality was sour and ugly, like biting into a mouldy rotting fruit. Her intentions are unclear, but it isn’t hard to see her abusing the authority of her son and the crown.
Though that didn’t matter, you trust Zaros, he would never put the wellbeing of Serulla at risk. He’s headstrong and stubborn. It’s no wonder you admire him, in some way or another he’s just like you.
He has become a decent acquaintance in your life. Looking back, he could have easily double-crossed you in the trials and spited his way to the top, but he didn’t. Every last minute of it was fair and just. Maybe that’s why you felt so strongly for him now.
-
Outside the hall, minutes away from a final decision, both Zaros and you stood. If you had something to do, now was the time to do it.
He reaches for the heavy gold handles of the door, but he doesn’t get to push it open.
"Zaros", you take his hand.
He ignores the door, turning to face you.
"If you are indeed the victor, which.... I have no doubt you are; I need you to promise me something."
His eyebrows perk upwards, and he steps closer, taking your hand fully in his.
"We don't know that yet. You gave me quite a challenge during the trials you know. Don't tell me you're giving up now?", signature smirk plastered to his face, though you no longer feel the need to punch it off.
“Please listen to me.”, you sigh, "I need you to promise me you'll never let Serulla suffer. I know I'm not capable of helping all the people who deserve our help, but you are. I’m certain of it, so promise me."
The seriousness in your eyes was enough to stifle his usual sarcasm.
"I... I promise." He barely mutters, no longer smiling. It’s an unusual sight, the kind that makes you feel nauseous. He's even more alarmed when you offer a pinkie to him, like you used to do years ago when you were just kids roaming the corridors and sneaking into the kitchen.
"Pinkie promise?" You smile.
He caught his own pinkie onto yours. "I promise, I'll do my best."
He knew what you were about to do. But he also knows how stubborn you are and there was no way he could stop you, no matter how desperately he wanted to.
After facing Nira that day, you smiled at him and whispered a gentle "Take care of yourself and my home for me". You swore that from that moment onwards, you’d never mask yourself again.
Those were your last words to him before you'd vanished, leaving behind only a letter. In which, you asked that he looked after your mother and detailed an apology as well as a segment of feelings you'd harboured for him. It was an intended goodbye before he forgets about you, lest you have a reason to return. You hoped you wouldn't.
-
Throughout your travels you faced many hardships, the expected reality of being a lone traveler. But you grew from those experiences. You learnt from the people around you and made friends.
You sharpened your survival skills as you traversed the lands, a melody of experiences of new cultures and flavours, from continents you'd only dreamt of, melted on your tongue. Those fleeting dreams were nothing compared to the reality you held in your own two hands. You learnt to appreciate life and how to trust.
The last place you ventured was the Northern Nation, though their reputation is scandalous, their culture is rich. What you weren’t expecting was to meet see a familiar face, a palace staff, an informant no less. Only now he worked for Nira, delivering letters to the most dangerous kingdom of all the nations and had informed you that you were banned from the home you grew up in.
After 8 years, it was time to turn back. It was time to head home.
-
There was a masquerade ball being held in Serulla at dawn, the perfect opportunity to tiptoe into the palace unnoticed. What was the plan? You weren’t entirely sure but one way or another you had to speak to Zaros. If you marched in like you own the place, you would be promptly kicked out a few feet upon entering the gate. It’s a good thing you knew your way around every crack and crevice like the back of your hand. It shouldn’t be too hard blending in once you’re inside. But first you needed clothes and a mask, nothing extravagant, just enough to blur into the masses.
Learning to walk silently made slipping in as easy as dreaming, before you could blink you were in the ballroom. Oh, did it feel nostalgic, you remember the times you were the main focus of these elaborate events. Now look at you, sneaking in and avoiding any attention whatsoever. You missed these walls, they look the exact same since you’ve left them, grand, luxurious and unchanged. You couldn’t help but take a minute to reminisce and admire.
“Can I ask for a dance later, mysterious stranger?” a young man snapped you out of your trance.
“I’m afraid not sir. I have prior arrangements for the evening”, you bow. “My sincerest apologies.”
What a nuisance, you thought, abruptly turning and leaving. You had to find Zaros. As King of Serulla he had to be here, his presence is of utmost importance and entirely compulsory for this kind of event. Perhaps he’d show up later in the evening, all you had to do was wait amongst the crowd. Maybe a drink would take the edge off while you do, maybe it would help you ignore the eyes you felt burning holes into your back.
Hours later the arrival of the king was finally announced, and there he was, fashionably late in all his blond glory. He’s just as captivating as you left him all those years ago, just as beautiful and refined. It was like staring at the sun, glowing so brightly it just might blind someone. Yes, you were staring, but so was everyone else. Who wouldn’t stare when graced with the presence of the King himself? His lips moved as he acknowledged his audience, but your mind was too preoccupied with gawking at him to hear a single word. You’re yanked back to reality when the crowd scatters at his dismissal, so you retreat to a space further away, where you could keep an eye on him as he conversed with guests. It would be unwise to approach him now, there’s too many eyes on him this early into the night. Once the crowd has had their fill of wine and was no longer capable of seeing any further than their nose, you’d seize the opportunity to steal him away.
Lay low, keep an eye on him. Two simple tasks to accomplish. But the fool you’d rejected earlier in the eventing, now a drunken fool, apparently doesn’t understand the meaning of two simple letters, no. You rejected him twice already but he keeps coming back.
“I’m not taking no for answer hic- you simple must dance with me”, before you could reject him again, he’s dragging you to the floor. If it weren’t for the fact that you didn’t want any attention tonight, his arm would’ve been broken on the spot.
You struggle in his grip as he swayed you, haphazardly and arrhythmic to the music, and FUCK you lost sight of Zaros. If only this imbecile would let go of you! And cease his gooselike movements!
“Unfortunately, good sir, they’re not available to dance with YOU this evening.”, you’re backed into a hard wall, a clothed wall? A familiar smelling wall. A speaking wall.
His sticky hands are gone from your body in an instant, he even backs away from you.
“You-your Majesty”, he stuttered.
“All of their dances are promised to me tonight. I’ll assume you weren’t aware and turn a blind eye just this once.”, the wall speaks again, replacing unpleasant hands with a gentle yet possessive grip. It's very obvious who this wall is.
“Now if you’ll excuse us, I’ll be stealing them away now”, he doesn’t wait for a response, pulling you further onto the dance floor. You’re still facing away from him as he guides your body to the tune that swirls the room.
“Welcome back Earis” he whispers and you can just hear the smirk he’s wearing.
“A bit of a lost cause on such title now, aren’t I?” you answer. “How did you know it was me?”, he moved your body effortlessly, like it was made specially to fit beneath his palms.
“How could I not? I could feel your eyes on me all night.” Following the music, he spins you around to finally face him. “Even if death took me, I’d still remember those eyes.”
You scoff, “How charming. But everyone’s eyes are on you tonight.”
“Hmm you think so? A shame, none are as captivating as yours.”
“I need to speak to you Zaros.”
“We’re speaking right now, are we not?”
Fuck, why does he always have to be so difficult?
“Not here. I need to speak to you in private.”
There was too much attention on him for you to speak freely, it’s a surprise guards haven’t escorted you out the room yet.
“Sounds alarming. And just when I thought you came back to see me.” he fakes a frown, and let’s go of your hand as he ends the dance. You curtsy, and he leans closer to whispers for you to follow him. He leaves first and you linger around the corners before disappearing yourself.
Eventually you’re back in the abandoned hallways of the palace, walking with Zaros.
“So why are you back?”
“I’ve made a recent discovery, and I was worried. I needed to talk to you about it.”
“Worried?”
“You’re aware of the notoriety of the Northern Nation, correct?”
“Who isn’t? Their name stains chapters of history text with the blood they’ve spilt.”
“Yes, that’s why it was a surprise when I found out your mother exchanges letters with their King and his court.”
He halts, “What? What are you talking about?”
You turn to him, removing the mask from your face. “While I stayed in the city of the Northern Nation, I recognised a familiar face. A Surullian informant. I’ve seen him work for my mother for years, naturally, I was confused by his presence there.”, you sigh. “I tried to get as much information as I could from him, but he knew nothing. He had simple instructions from your mother to deliver the letters to and from the Northern Kingdom. Unfortunately for me, he had already passed on the letters, so I did not get a look. He swore to never tell a soul of our encounter to avoid any further issues, but I also found out I'm blacklisted here.”
“What are you saying? Why would she even want to converse with the Northern Kingdom? An alliance with them is like an alliance with hyenas. They bring nothing but war and bloodshed. And what on Earth do you mean ‘blacklisted’?”, he shouts in frustration. “She’s my mother, I trust her. I find it all of this hard to believe.”
“Hah of course you don't believe me." you look around frantically. "Follow me.”
He stomped after you as you made your way for the nearest set of guards.
“Wait here, and watch.”
You walked up to them, as if to inquire something, only to be quickly apprehended.
“Let go of them immediately! What do you think you're doing?”, Zaros march in their direction.
“Apologies, your Majesty. We’re only following orders!”
“Whose orders?”, he yells.
“Lady Atha’lin, you Majesty!”, the fear is evident in their voices, and you give him a knowing look.
“Fuck”, he whispers under his breathe. “You’re dismissed and inform every guard in this palace that no one is to lay a finger on them. Do you hear me?”, he says, curt and unforgiving, as they shuffle away clumsily.
“As I said, blacklisted. Do you believe me now mama’s boy?”
If looks could kill, you’d be dead in milliseconds the way he glared at you. He's angry as can be, it’s not every day the tables are turned.
“A shame, had I been kicked out at the gates, you’d be oblivious to your mommy’s devious little plans.” You push.
“Oh what do you care? You left Serulla for 8 years. You’re back to warn me once and suddenly you’re high and might?”
“Hah, I was not just here to warn you. No Zaros, my initial plan was to meet your mother directly.”, you roll your eyes.
“Allow me to refresh your memory, 8 years ago, before I left, I made a promise to Nira Atha’lin that if she threatened Serulla in any way I’d be back to drag to her to hell with me. For your sake, I wanted to meet you first. But know this Zaros, if you’re incapable of handling your mother, I am not. I have no qualms in removing her by force, with or without your permission.”
You went overboard, but it was too late to take it back. The anger in his eyes boils over, as does the internal turmoil, but he keeps silent. He paces back and forth, and it might be better if you left him alone with his thoughts for a while.
“I’ll leave you be for now, when you are ready to find me again, I’ll be in the garden.”, a vast contrast to the tone you had previously.
-
You leave Zaros to decipher his feelings alone, it would be better if you weren’t there. You were annoyed at him for doubting you, yet that was no way for you to speak to him, especially considering the amount of information to process in such short time. How did it even progress that quickly? Sometimes old habits are hard to kill. You needed to apologise to him later.
The garden is still as beautiful as it always was, flourishing healthily despite your mother’s absence. You had heard of it, the news circulated Serulla and its neighbouring nations with the passing wind. The Queen was no more, and her child was absolutely vile for leaving her. People will always talk.
But it looks like Zaros kept his promise to take care of your home.
The garden was silence, as you stood before the two memorial tablets mounted there. One for your brother, another for your mother. You prayed that somewhere in her heart she’d forgiven you for leaving her alone. You wipe away the tears that warmed your cheek.
“She kept speaking highly of you, to the very end.”, his voice startles you, relaxed and calmer now.
“I don’t deserve it, I left her. But there was no point in returning then, if anything it made me not want to return at all.”, you replied, kissing the top of the stone with your mother’s name carved into it.
“I’m sorry.”, he sounded sincere, the most sincere you’ve ever heard him be.
“It’s not your fault, we all have to die one day, do we not?”
“No, for not stopping you from leaving.”
“What?”, confusion thickens your voice. “What are you talking about?”
“All these years you were gone, I couldn’t help but believe it was my fault. I felt guilty, like I pushed you out of your own home. Like this was never truly my place, but yours. I’d found you again after 8 years, only for you to slips through my fingers for another 8. I really am sorry.”
“Zaros.”, you stand directly in front of him. “That was not your fault. I chose to leave. I wanted to, I had to find myself. If anything, your stupid insults helped me, although they still hurt, don't get me wrong. Besides look at how well off Serulla is! You are more of a ruler than I ever would’ve been-”
“And I missed you.” He cuts you off and silence ensues, save for the soft howls of the wind. You didn’t expect him to confess that to you so openly and easily.
“I… I missed you too.” He takes a breath and smiles, not one of his devious smirks or teasing grins. A real genuine smile that once again showed a sincerity you were unfamiliar with. You sit with him in silence for a long time, admiring the stars and flowers. and you remembered a conversation you had a long time ago. He was right watching them in the moonlight was comforting. You could only hope he feels the same way right now.
“Remember how you told me to look at the flowers in the garden at night? It was so long ago; I almost don’t remember their name. What were they called again? Bitter bell something?”, you reminisced.
“Bitter bell dureni” (sorry ik I probably butchered that idk how to spell)
“Right, yes those. I got to see them tonight. They really are beautiful.”
“I’m sorry for how I reacted.", he confessed. "I promised you I’d keep Serulla safe, and I intend to keep that promise, even if it means revoking all authorities from my mother.”
“I’d much rather not use violence too. I apologise for provoking you.”
“I suppose it was a taste of my own medicine”, he laughs and you join him. “Does this mean you’re leaving again?”
“What? Do you want me to leave that badly?”
“Ha-ha, very funny.”
“No, I plan on staying a while, as long as your guards keep their hands to themselves of course.”, he laughs again and you can see yourself getting addicted to it. He sounds serene.
“Then, it’s my honour to have you.”, he reaches for your hand. “Come, your old room has been vacant for 8 years. It’s about time someone used it.”
“You kept my room vacant?”
“I may have had a little hope you’d return some day. To Serulla. To me.”
It’s hard not to smile when he says such things.
You take his hand, placing a gentle kiss on his cheek, and he averts his gaze, though not enough to hide the dusty pink shade of his skin.
“I have another question.”,
“Yes?”
“Did you really mean all those things you said in your letter?”
It’s silent again as you walk the familiar path to your room. You both knew the answer to that.
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wildpeachfarm · 1 day
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Never thought I’d see the day Nick Deorio was fighting in the trenches with us as a drolo. It almost makes me want to reinstall twitter just for that. Almost. Mans was scarred from John Swan and he wants to be on the right side of the argument this time. He’s seen dream come with receipts so he knows. Not an expected soldier, but I’ll take him regardless.
Saw a previous anon post about how Twitter has the mindset of “being a woman means being a perfect person” and how that’s not a good mindset to have; I wholeheartedly agree with that anon.
I’m of the mindset that I will protect all women, but I will not support them. There have been people in my life that are women that have made dumb decisions and have dangerous mindsets and I’ve called them out on it continuously. However, the second they tell me they need my help, I’m there. It doesn’t matter if we haven’t talked in months, or since high school-you ask for my help, you got it. No questions asked. Because like that anon said, we are human first before we’re women and we are going to make mistakes. I want to make mistakes and have the ability to own up to them like anyone else, cause if people protect me from myself, I’ll be a very misguided and disillusioned person.
I also think that mindset stems from many people not knowing what feminism actually is. I’ve seen on TikTok this trend of women going “I’m not a feminist” and then saying some wild ass thing like “I can wear dresses” as if that’s all feminism entails. True feminism is recognizing men and women are equal to each other and deserve to be treated as such. Equal pay, same opportunities corporate-wise, same options to be SAHM or SAHDs, etc. That also means women can be horrible people just as much as men, and they deserve to be held accountable for it.
Twitter thinks women need protecting and we can do no wrong and that’s absolutely dangerous. And I think thats part of why Caiti responded the way she did in her final stream, cause she’s been misguided to believe that she can do no wrong as a woman, hence the angry reaction to people pointing out her inconsistencies. And I feel for her, cause she’s young, and it seems like shes still easily impressionable, which is the perfect combination for Twitter to take over her thinking. I hope she takes a long, indefinite break from the internet and goes to see adults who aren’t chronically online to help her, cause she’s a very unstable person.
Women aren’t perfect, and we shouldn’t be protected from ourselves. But if one of us is in genuine need of help, we rally as a people to be there; that’s the best part of being a woman-the sisterhood and that gets taken away the more people develop the “women are perfect and need to be protected” mindset.
-L :)
oooh very good additions!
One of the worst things to ever happen to the internet is to create a space for words to be watered down to the point that people have completely missed the meaning of the original word and now it's something different.
Which leads people to speak damaging rhetoric in the name of something they /think/ they're representing properly when thats just not the case. (Unfortunately this is how we get radfems and terf rhetoric under "feminism" according to some people on the internet)
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In your AU, do the toys have any characteristics or behaviours that are similar to the animals they represent, especially considering how long they’ve been down in the dark alone, long enough to probably go a bit feral?
Even Angel has some animal-like behavior in this AU to be honest /j
But yes! The majority of the toys have some behaviors similar to animals. Dogday barks, his tail and ears move with emotion, and, of course, he's a shepherd dog to all the future farm animals the family gets after they move to a farm. Catnap hisses, meows and has a tendency to get into high places as well. All the Smiling Critters, in fact, can make the noises of their respective animals, and emote a bit accordingly! The smaller toys are more mixed, but all of them have some traces of animals on their behavior as well.
The problem starts when it comes to fights and bickering around the house. Thanks to the decade inside Playtime Co, some toys have a tendency to go full feral "must protect my food/territory" mode, but that's an effect of the trauma, and not something intended on their design. Angel has to snap them out of that mindset when this sort of fight happens. And, speaking of which...
Angel, TO ME, behaves sometimes like a stray dog. Do not ask me why I think they just have the dog and bird motif going on, they do indeed bite, don't ask me!!!
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candeathbereal · 2 days
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Astro observations #11
-The funny thing about looks is that astrology has the funniest ways of expressing itself that reading something like "leo risings have great hair" or "saturn dominant people have great bone structure", and you can go along with it. One day I asked my boyfriend what feature of mine stood out the most and I was expecting something like my eyes since that is usually said for neptune dominants. Then he said something like "Your hair and face shape" and I sat back thinking about it. Like hair, sure I do have a leo rising so I expected that but face shape??? Did the part of my teenage years where I focused on working out my face so I could have a great jawline actually work out in my favor....yes yes it did. Now I have a great jawline that it can coexist with my hair as a outstanding feature. I make a big show of this because I started looking more and more into astrology and appearance patterns and you know what I found? Nothing becuase I am shitty at researching and connecting things. I know it's not ideal all things considering I do run a astrology focused blog but shit happens. I would love to hear you guy's thoughts and opinons on astrology being connected with appearance and the patterns of all that. Like I can see certain things but I fail at finding the patterns myself tbh.
-Moving on, my pluto trines my sun and my ascendant and my sun trines my ascendant. My venus also trines my ascendant while my jupiter sextiles it. And honestly it's interesting to hear people's first impressions of me and I give off conflicting impressions. I seem hardworking yet not to the point of being an asshole about shit. In high school I had people think I smoked but I have never done any drugs but I give off a certain vibe. I also think it's cause smoking isn't considered "acceptable" ,for a lack of better words, so I have always spent my time around people who do smoke because I never truly felt "normal" or "acceptable" when I was younger especially. To a certain degree I understand why I tend to vibe with what's considered outside of the norm but I don't exactly indulge into it myself. My seventh house is in aquarius, my uranus and lilith is in my seventh house, plus my seventh house lord is in either my tenth or my seventh house (I am still unsure about aquarius because it is said to rule both uranus and saturn). So naturally what's considered "outcast" or "stigmatized" hasn't always escaped my interest. Yet I don't find serial killers and all that, that interesting...I still learn about it because I feel a pull to understand why. Like why does this confuse people so much? You can find a reason for murder and most people if not everyone seems to be able to want to kill somebody. Of course this is a very rooted in morality so just know serial killers that kill people out of pure pleasure disgust me. Anyways I want to assume it's beyond the mindset of murderers that interest people so if anyone wants to discuss it with me further my inbox is open. Or anything else you guy's would wanna talk about. I feel like I'm missing something in this world which is knowledge. I live through pure curiosity as opposed to spite or hope. There is not a defined goal like spite but there is still somewhat a goal in curiosity. It's to know more but it doesn't always have to be positive either. It is the 'neutral' between many reasons to live but it works for me.
Alright enough of my random babble, I hope this made sense to anyone. Afterall I am posting this to be shared with others because if I wanted to only have this be for me it wouldn't be so public. Or even written down to be honest.
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Let's dive a little into Dark Magic and how Magic works in Hogwarts Legacy (or the whole Harry Potter world), shall we?
Firstly, I want to say than I love this world, but I don't know every detail about it, because I stopped reading any books of a certain author after reading the Harry Potter books as a teenager (and then reread them once as an adult). So maybe I'm simply not aware of the fact, but I feel the magic system isn't really well explained? Like, why are some wizards and witches more powerful than others?
In my mind, I think to be good at a spell you need to be good in two things:
1. Technique (How you wield the wand, the rhythm of the words for the spell)
2. The visualisation of what the spell is going to do
Let's take the famous 'Wingardium Leviosa' as an example.
To be able to cast it, you have to do the right movement with the wand and just the right pronounciation. But we also know that there is magic without using words or a wand, so it can't be the only thing.
So I think you also have to clearly see in front of your inner eyes, what's going to happen. In this case, how the feather will start to levitate. This would be possible, if you have a creative mindset or simply have made enough experiences to know, for example, how a feather looks and moves flying through the air.
But this gets harder with every spell. Seeing a feather levitate isn't that hard to imagine. But an animal, a chair, or something even bigger?
I think this is how great wizards and witches distinguish themselves from their peers - they are able to visualise even abstract things.
So in conclusion, I think, that means the better you are able to see a spell in front of your inner eye, maybe even with feelings, noises etc, the better the spell is going to be.
This would also explain, why the Unforgivable curses are as bad as they are. Because you have to imagine the pain, the control and the death clearly in your head. To be good at them you have to feel how it is to have absolute control over someone else, you have to imagine how umbearable the pain is, and how someone would look when dead - in every little detail.
This would explain why Ominis was able to do Cruciatus, even though he didn't really want to cause harm, because he experienced the pain on his own - so it wasn't hard to imagine it.
It also shows why Cruciatus from Sebastian on MC wasn't as strong, because he wasn't able to imagine them in that much pain.
And maybe it's just me, but I can clearly see, how this fucks you up, when doing repeatly. To imagine over and over in every little detail to torture, control and murder real people?
Maybe that's why using 'Bombarda' etc to fight isn't seen as bad, because in your head you're just imagine to throw them through the air, or break their leg etc..
I don't know if my thoughts make any sense and I surely have used the word 'imagine' a tad bit too often, but maybe you could see where I'm going with this.
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amysubmits · 2 days
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I’ve just spent about half an hour reading and re-reading your “Owning me is complicated” post. Reading this from a sub’s perspective is so helpful to a Dom. I often feel like I have to be perfect and never make a mistake with my sub. Often I feel like making a mistake would sabotage our relationship because I wouldn’t be living up to her expectations or standards. It’s heartwarming to read your thoughts about your Dom and the struggles that occur in His mind. We try to lead with confidence and assuredness and we want that to exude daily so that the sub is naturally “comfortable” in following and submitting. The truth is, we don’t ALWAYS know the answer. We don’t ALWAYS have it figured out. Trust and honor is a delicate strand that we try not to break. Her submission is the most beautiful gift she can give me but knowing she looks at me and thinks of me as her everything is even more. Never wanting to let her down is always a part of my mindset. I try to earn her submission and trust every day, not by my words but through my actions. It’s beautiful to know that there are subs that think and acknowledge the things you described in your writing. Thank you. Thank you for shining a light that says “True Doms will always have a sub’s best interest at heart.” Such a beautiful post. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you so much for this thoughtful message!
It feel like the nuance involved with D/s often gets lost on tumblr. There isn't really a good way to say in a short snippet or meme that on one hand, most subs are really drawn to confidence and confidence can feel like a key part of being a dom in some ways. And yet..doms are human and should have room to make mistakes. And while confidence can assist dominance a lot, it can also be a huge liability or threat to the D/s relationship if someone in the Dom role acts confident when they aren't informed. I guess in other words, confidence is great, but it's not realistic for doms to always be confident in everything...and arrogance is dangerous. Sometimes a dom not knowing exactly what to do and just having a nice discussion ith their sub about what they are thinking and even gaining additional insight or information from their sub to help make a decision can be a really bonding, D/s-feeling, lovely thing. And it's easy to miss that nuance if you go looking at memes or shortform content that talk about how confidence is key to being a dom or whatever. Or erotica that portrays dominance as practically being an all knowing, all confident god-like creature. Finding it hot as a fantasy I get for sure, but it's so important to differentiate between fantasy and real relationships and that difference isn't always clear on here. Similar with earning submission. I get why there is a lot of content that talks about the importance of earning trust and submission. There are so many doofuses out there who think they should just command a sub into compliance without earning submission and those are some really dangerous people. At the same time...it's easy for me to grasp why a well-meaning dom might think if they make a mistake then that means they have temporarily 'lost' submission or failed to earn it that day or something - and it's not necessarily like that. I try to always remember that my dom is human and will get it wrong sometimes. I don't expect perfection. More than anything else it's just the fact that he really wants to be cautious and take good care of me and of our relationship...that he's always looking to learn from his mistakes and to grow as a person and as my partner... that allows him to earn my submission more so than how 'right' he gets it. It's the way he is motivated to act in ways that align with his moral compass and character that really get me submissive the most. Anyway, thanks again for your message, it was really heartwarming to read!
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wonder2realities · 3 days
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the importance of self-trust in shifting.
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when i first got into shifting, i relied a lot on shifttok but also on ppl who had shifted - id practically worship them and treat them like they were my mentors but that put me in such a vulnerable state that i ended up getting hurt from it.
there was this experienced shifter who id talk to, and they even said theyd help me with spirituality advice and such so i listened to them but nothing they were saying resonated...at all. no matter the topic, no matter how "factual" they pushed it as ; it wasnt resonating and i couldnt relate to it but since they had shifted i assumed that i was the problem.
"if they shifted theyd know better than me, what would i know? i know nothing." — this was my mindset for a year and it stunted me...heavily. i felt like i was this stupid newbie to this and i had to do everything an experienced shifter would tell me but again - that ended up stabbing me in the back because that experienced shifter was a horrible person to me and it got to a point where my mental health plummetted. i thought to myself that it was all over for me, i let go of someone who (in my eyes) knew everything even if they were horrible to me.
id meditate daily, clearing my head out to try and figure out what i should do because i knew shifting was real but i kept feeling as if i couldnt shift...like i was the problem. it wasnt until i had a moment to myself where i realised that my only problem was that i didnt trust myself.
i went out of my way to believe everyone and anyone but not myself, i believed that others would know me better than i do when in reality - id know what makes me shift or not because i am me. i know what annoys me, what would help me relax, what would help me think and connect with my drs so much better than someone who couldve known me since i was born because i FEEL these things.
and after i had that realisation and understood my power and understood that i was never a problem, i kept shifting and manifesting like it was nothing. i kept getting things i wanted in my cr, i kept going to different realities - even when i didnt shift for whatever reason i was fine. i never got mad at myself, i never blamed myself, i simply just let it go and went on with my day. if i wanted to stay in my cr for something important that i wanted to experience, id script out my day mentally and it would follow that script. not because i followed something, or because i learnt something new but because i realised that the most knowledgeable things i could learn come from myself.
whether its my higher self, my inner self or just...myself in general - i know all sorts of things about how i function and that would affect how i shift. that level of knowledge wouldnt be found anywhere else, so why would i trust others to give me that knowledge?
"i know myself better than anyone, if i want to shift i will and if i want to manifest things i will. noone else can control or stop that because this is my life, not theirs. they only gain control when i let them have control." — this became my way of viewing things and i still stick to it ; noone can control or change or make me do things unless i let them.
if you dont trust yourself or believe in yourself, you'll never find the answers youre seeking. sure, other experienced shifters can give you advice but only you know what will work for you. never let someone control your journey and never let them be the ones to claim your growth.
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questintheskies · 20 hours
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–We first saw you at Battle in the Valley in San Jose, where you attacked Shota Umino. You haven’t been a part of AEW since the summer; why did you choose to come to NJPW?
Perry: Well Japan for me is an opportunity, not to start over, but start a new chapter without having to apologise or pretend to be sorry for the actions of other people. It’s a way that I can stay true to myself and continue to grow despite everything that’s gone on.
–After you targeted Shota Umino in San Jose, you ripped up your AEW contract. What was going through your mind in that moment?
Perry: Ripping that contract was a declaration ‘I’m not playing by your rules anymore’. If (AEW) are too afraid to have me anymore, if the spectre of Jack Perry is too much, they don’t want to deal with the conversations, the ramifications that brings, then that’s fine.
–Certainly your last moments in AEW were very controversial.
Perry: I don’t need them. I will go by myself across the world, all by myself, without any of my friends, without any of the things I’m used to, anything that’s been my life for the last five years, and I’ll do it on my own, make my own way.
–So with that in mind, can we say you’re no longer AEW’s Jack Perry? Are you NJPW’s Jack Perry? A freelancing Jack Perry? Or HOUSE OF TORTURE’s Jack Perry?
Perry: Some of these things are unclear even to me, but I would say this- loyalty is a two way street, and I show loyalty to those who are loyal to me. As of now, certain parties have been very good to me, and I intend to repay that.
The only reason you ever do anything for other people is to get something in return
–Why of all people would you target Shota Umino when you made your first steps in NJPW?
Perry: The thing about Shota is there are a lot of similarities between him now and who I used to be. He’s a young guy, a good looking guy. And I can see when I look at him that he’s really doing everything he does for the people. The only reason you ever do anything for other people is to get something in return.
–Shota Umino was labelled last year as one of the ‘Reiwa Three Musketeers’, not unlike how AEW positioned you as one of its ‘Four Pillars’.
Perry: Yeah, I was a golden boy once, I was a ‘pillar’ if you will. I really let other people’s perceptions of me guide my actions. But at the end of the day I wasn’t seeing the results I wanted to. I realised I was never going to perform optimally if I was worried about the expectations of other people. That’s the position he’s in right now. If he was to be honest with himself, he’s not getting the results that he wants to have. The moment he realises that it’s other people’s expectations that are holding him down, he will be way better off for it.
–How do you feel about Shota Umino’s connections to Jon Moxley? 
Perry: It’s interesting that even though we’ve worked in the same company, I’ve never crossed paths in the ring with Jon Moxley. He’s pretty much universally respected, somebody that calls himself the Ace of the World, and there’s a good case for that. But when it comes to him and Shota… From personal experience, I used to have a mentor, and there’s a lot you can get from that, but at a certain point there are things you can’t figure out unless you’re on your own. He needs to have the balls to step away from the comfort of someone who’s been around much longer and can lay the foundations for you. I’m sure he’s benefitted a lot from Moxley. Let’s see what you’ve got when it’s just you.
I’m not shying away from the blame
–Can you sum up exactly what the ‘Scapegoat’ name means to you?
Perry: I think it’s ingrained in human nature to be afraid of blame, and the disapproval of others. At the end of the day, that’s weakness. That’s a weak mindset, a weak soul. If you know the truth, what good is the opinion of other people? If you know the truth, you have power. I’m not shying away from the blame. If you need me to be the Scapegoat because you don’t have the bravery to stand up for your own actions, then that’s fine. I’m man enough to take that blame from all of us and I’m not going to shy away from it. 
–Certainly anyone who joins HOUSE OF TORTURE has to be comfortable with accepting blame and hate. Did you feel a connection to H.O.T, or did you simply feel that you wanted to be with the most hated faction in professional wrestling?
Perry: I wasn’t really expecting what’s come about, but I’m certainly not upset about it. I almost feel comfortable here now. Being one of if not probably the most hated wrestlers in North America, as I start a new chapter in Japan, why not pick up as I left off? As I said, people, especially where I came from, are afraid. They don’t want to confront what’s looking at them in the eyes. These guys aren’t afraid. They deal with all this sh*t from people every day. I respect that. Deal with it, move forward and be who you want to be, not what people expect you to be. 
–Ren Narita has taken a very similar path to your own, connected to Shota Umino and now in HOUSE OF TORTURE. Do you feel a lot in common with him?
Perry: Definitely Ren and I have shared a similar path. I’ve been in a few teams in my career, and there’s a lot you can get from a good partner, a lot you can learn about yourself. but at the end of the day, everyone has to make the decision to bet on themselves. I respect that he had the confidence and the balls to make the decision he had to make.
The reaction I know I’m going to get is exactly what this is all about
–Narita has said that HOUSE OF TORTURE represents ‘true Strong Style’, which is an opinion a lot of fans take issue with. Coming from outside, what does the idea of Strong Style mean to you?
Perry: I would say HOUSE OF TORTURE represents what I understand Strong Stye to be. I think at the start of my wrestling career I was so caught up in this idea of ‘virtue’ of following the rules and doing what it is you’re supposed to do. I’ve seen first hand more than anyone, what does any of that really matter? People in real life can’t tell a good guy from a bad guy when they’re staring them right in the face. The most important thing is whether or not you’re successful. Instead of sacrificing yourself for these morals you think are so important, sometimes it’s being underhanded that gets you where you want to be.
 –You defeated Umino in Ota at Anniversary, and now it’s a direct rematch in Chicago. There’s no doubt you’ll be public enemy number one there. What do you expect to be different in this rematch April 12?
Perry: I imagine people think I’ll be off my game in Chicago, and they couldn’t be more wrong. I’m absolutely thrilled to be back in the Windy City. The reaction that I know I’m going to get is exactly what this is all about. I’ve made it very clear that I’m not going to apologise to anybody, and I won’t pretend that things didn’t go down the way they did. I can’t wait to be in front of all these people who think they know what it’s all about, hearing what they think of me. I’ll be in my home country, but it doesn’t feel like my home anymore. So Shota, come over, give me your best shot, but if you think it’s going to be any easier, you’re sadly mistaken.
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silo1013 · 9 months
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salvaged from the office fire in 1998
#my art#the x files#dana scully#fox mulder#alex krycek#i was talking about this on twitter yesterday but#i have a LOTTTTTT a lot of thought about this part of season two#mainly because i think that while scully probably realized she was never going to find peace ever again after emily#i do believe that the last time mulder ever thought everything would be okay was right before scully’s abduction#which is also kind of why i think mulder was closer to killing himself in ascension than in gethsemane#at the end of season four mulder is kind of resigned to his and scully’s lives unravelling#he’s more suspicious and slower to trust then he ever was#while ascension was the first time he was like. Oh okay. It’s over for us forever and ever#and the fact that he was still open and still kind of okay before that just kind of makes it worse#that he was just betrayed and left hanging and lost everyone he thought he had in one fell swoop#ascension jades the fuck out of him and you can see it. like through the whole series there are threads of it#his tendency to rely on skinner regresses for a while. he becomes even less functional when scully is gone.#he has far less patience for his informants and he refuses to rely on anyone the way he tried to on krycek#like it’s just. such an obvious shift in his character that you can tell his mindset about his and scully’s life has changed#and that’s a huge part of the show’s tragedy i think. ​there is no peace. there is no rest. it’s never going to be okay
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pixelgrove · 3 days
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I feel like no one talks about how when you’re doing personal gameplay you have to turn off simblr mode in your head and realize that you don’t need screenshots of every little thing or try to make it look pretty or aesthetically pleasing
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voguewoozi · 9 months
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can't believe people are still out here accusing real ass people of queerbaiting. at this point just admit you like forcing people to come out before they're ready because that's what the result of this continues to be. coming out to anyone isn't an obligation for any queer person and people shouldn't have to alter their behavior or personality or presentation just because you personally think they're cishet. that is literally your own personal problem to work on. keep it to yourself
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al-the-remix · 4 months
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Random fandom thoughts/feelings
The reblog button is turned off on this post but I think it's another incredibly important one to be thinking about. I enjoy their framing of how the profit economy of other social media sites has been bleeding into fandom spaces on both tumblr, and like this post focuses on, Ao3. It's something that I've been noticing more and more and it really rubs me the wrong way and I feel like OP's post words it perfectly in a way I've been struggling to express.
This sort of connects the previous post I reblogged on the topic talking about how fandom is not a good in road for becoming internet famous.
A facet of this that's really bamboozled me recently is that I feel like i've been seeing more and more of is the idea that a singular person has a right to call "dibs" on a specific piece of media. Which is honestly totally fucking wild to me and if I'm being totally frank kind of dumb.
Every single one of us who interacts with fandom and by extent and IP is flirting with copy right law, the consequences of which everyone should be extremely familiar with by now with the fall of LJ and various lawsuits by authors, dmca notices, etc.
We have all heard the adage "there's no such thing as an original idea"; the idea that everything we create is the amalgamation of all the things that influence us, good and bad.
This is totally normal and good, actually.
For example, if I and another person both watch a TV show, see a production photograph that we really like and decide to draw it and post them one after the other it would be considered extremely bad behaviour to then turn around and make a big stink about how someone else had the gall to turn around and draw the same thing that I did. We can all look at a picture, video, lyrics to a song, become inspired and create something wildly different based on our tastes and influences--but we also are equally, if not more so, likely to create something nearly identical to our peers, especially in a fandom space where ideas are concentrated and we are all consuming each other's thoughts, opinions, and creations. More than once I've come up with an idea for a fic or a drawing that someone else had had a nearly identical execution of without us communicating or viewing each other's work. That's just the way the human brain works, we're hard wired to make connections in a fairly similar way.
You do not have a right to call dibs on any one photograph, clip of video, song lyrics or any other bit of media you might consume.
This stands for artists, writers, gif makers, AMV creators, and any other way you choose to express your love of fandom creatively.
If you are really hard pressed to focus on the numbers and work at being ~influential~ the burden is on you to distinguish yourself creatively.
There's a reason why not being able to see follower counts is so important to the way fandom and tumblr functions. The concept of ~small creators~ and ~big creators~ or BNF or whatever are all burdens you place on yourselves. No one is taking anything away from you by engaging with the same bit of media you are in a similar way. We all have a right to express ourselves creatively and emotionally through any snippet of media that sparks our interest. You do not get to "own it" just because you happened to pump something out first. There are no creative "dibs". This isn't even some sort of "fandom" etiquette thing that has gone thus unspoken. It's a strange possessive thing that I've seen crop up more and more as the idea of being a capital "C" Creator brain rots people's minds and atrophies their ability to be creative.
Sort of on a tangent, but I have a bunch of other personal random thoughts about how this push to be prolific stagnates fandom, but these are more complicated for me and I'm not as clear on how I want to express them. On one had I am completely on board with the "there is no such thing as cringe" mindset and that everyone has a right to create whatever super indulgent thing they want to without having to suffer people being snobby about it. But, on the other hand I feel very strongly that the cycle of people seeing one trope or characterization being repeated repeated over and over and gaining popularity, reading only that--writing only that--leading others to also only consume that, really stymies creativity and makes it harder to grow the fandom if people that are trying to enter aren't into That One Thing, while also ostracizing people who are already in the fandom that aren't into That One Thing. I strongly believe that people's tastes are at least 70% just what they're exposed to, and obviously not everyone is going to be into whatever weird niche concept they're exposed to through fandom, but the more they are the more opportunity they have to expand that horizon. I don't know how many times I've gotten a version of the "I wasn't sure I would like this but I gave it a shot and it turns out I really love it!" and how good that feels and how much I wish other people were emboldened to do the same instead of being so wrapped up in how their work may or may not be received.
This is mostly a subjective thing though, so it's less cut and dry. Like for example, I really struggle with engaging with transgender fic despite being transgender myself because of the way most AFAB fic is written to the point where I avoid it now almost entirely. Which, frankly, really fucking sucks but also I will be the first person to fight for other's ability to write transgender characters wether they appeal my personal feelings and taste or not.
Anyway, this is one of the reasons I'm so protective of fandom community events, especially ones that employ aspects of the fandom gift economy such as exchanges. There are one of the few wholly un self-centred places left where the focus is on gifting someone something they will love and giving back to the fandom at large by flooding it with art and opportunities appreciation and engagement with each other. It is not supposed to be an opportunity for you to think about yourself and "getting something good" in return or using it a convenient deadline. It also offers you an opportunity to engage with fic tropes and genres that you've never considered writing or reading before.
TL;DR if you've found yourself recently squabbling over how many notes your gifs, art, writing, etc. has been getting compared to other people instead of focusing on forging community ties and your own creative expression, I'm sorry to say you're doing it wrong.
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why is everything (showing other people respect. being patient and kind. not flying off the handle about stupid things. emotional regulation and self-control. et cetera.) so easy when I'm not around my parents and so so so so hard when I AM around them?
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I find it kind of silly that so many of those "time based life rule" sayings are like ~deep serious guidelines~ of some sort, but then there's that one other Well Known Rule that's just like "hrmm can I eat something off of the ground or not"
#the duality of human condition.. two biggest concerns in the modern era are attempts at self fulfilling productivity#and also 'if i drop my sandwich can i still eat it :('#Also while capitalism is often linked with/the source of hyper productivity culture - note that I do not mean the images in that context#'meaningful to you' does not have to mean 'productive within a capitalist system'. The point is not 'every waking hour of every day#must be spent in the most societally productive grinding mindset hyper efficency mode possible' but more like#if you've always wanted to learn french ever since you were a kid and you think it would be fulfilling to you (just because you like it#absent of any larger purpose like using it for a job/monetizing it somehow/etc.). and you've just spent like 5 hours straight on tiktok#or something mindlessly scrolling the internet. maybe someimtes it'd help for your own personal fulfillment in the long#run to try to - the next time you have 5 spare hours - work on learning french or something that is actually significant to you#as a person and that you'll be glad you worked towards. instead of weeks and weeks passing by and feeling you have nothing to show for it#or etc. AAANYWAY. The images/rules themselves are also NOT the main point of this post. More just the juxtaposition of them together#and the fact that 3 of them are serious seeming while one is so mundane it seems silly in comparison.#BUT even though they're not the main point . I still didn't want it to come across as if I was like promoting or buying into capitalist#productivity culture propaganda or etc. I don't find productivity tips like this inherently bad as long as they're kind of divorced from#those ideas. I think it's still important in life to have goals even if those goals exist outside of the typical expected framework.#I mean that's actually part of why a culture of chronically exhausted overworked deprived people is damaging because if you#'re forced to spend 85% of your waking time working at some job that is perosnally meaningless to you that brings you nothing that#youre only doing under threat of starvation and houselesness and etc. then of course you don't have much time for hobbies or things you car#about and of course you'll feel more aimless and personally unsatisfied and like life is not fulfilling or interesting.#Productivity and efficiency is GOOD actually. as long as it's able to be directed in ways that are actually meaingful to the community or#individual and bring some sort of feeling of fulfillment or progress or accomplishment and working towards a person's personal ideas#of happiness whatever those are. rather than just working away aimlessly so some guy you don't know can buy a 20th house or etc. etc.#ANYWAY.. lol.. Me overthinking things perhaps.. probably not as likely#that people see the silly little cat images and go 'WOW EVIL you must be a capitalist grind culture lover' like its pretty clear#thats not the point... but... just in case... lol.. I loooove to over clarify things that don't actually need clarification
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