#this is me being bitter i guess. also something great screams buddie. goodbye | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

theseerasures · 4 years

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A choked-off scream jerks Kristoff awake. (11)

original fic here; go here if you’re wondering what’s up with the whole sydani business.

He’s not exactly sure what jolts him awake in the middle of the night, so Kristoff just lets the heavy lull of sleep wash over him again while half-heartedly trying to feel out what’s going on. He’d heard…something…

The room feels weirdly cold, so he tucks himself deeper into the nest of blankets, bumping into something warm and solid. Anna, his sluggish mind informs him, shortly before Anna helpfully confirms that guess by letting out a loud snort and smacking him right across his chest.

That at least gets him to open his eyes. Anna’s a lump of bed hair and drool next to him, but there’s someone else in the room–sitting hunched at the edge of the bed.

Kristoff squints in the darkness. “Elsa?”

Pieces of the night before start filtering in. Right. Elsa had come over to visit. Anna had said “Family sleepover!” Kristoff had said “What?”

And now here they all are. “Elsa?” he whispers again.

“I’m fine,” Elsa says. Her breathing’s coming out in visible puffs in the sudden chill, and Kristoff hears it stutter slightly before going back to being purposefully, painfully even.

“You sure?” His eyes flicker down to Anna’s sleeping form. “Should I–”

“No,” Elsa replies at once. Her hand flies up–to stop him from shaking Anna awake, Kristoff thinks–but it just ends up colliding into his palm.

She’s freezing; his fingers automatically close around hers in a loose clasp. “Okay,” he agrees quietly.

Elsa stares down at their hands before letting them drop bonelessly onto the mattress, like the prospect of either holding on or letting go exhausts her. “Let her sleep,” she repeats, her voice cracking halfway through.

Kristoff doesn’t reply. He tightens his grip, squeezes hard enough to hurt, willing the warm life in his hand to pass into hers.

Eventually, the room heats back up, and he gets small squeeze in return. “Thanks.”

“Anytime,” he promises. Means it, too. She’d do the same for him; has done plenty of times already.

He settles back into the covers, but Elsa doesn’t move. After a while she clears her throat. “I think I’ll get some air. Just…a quick walk on the grounds.”

“Huh?” His head got sleep-muddled again as soon as it hit the pillow. “Oh–sure, yeah. I can–”

“Kristoff, it’s okay,” She stops him before he can untangle himself out of bed, “I’ll be alright on my own–you should go back to sleep.”

“But I–” A huge yawn cracks his jaw before he can finish. Elsa cocks an eyebrow at him. She looks…almost back to normal. “Are you sure?” He asks anyway.

“I’m sure.” She pats his shoulder, and is out the bed and through the door before he can argue further.

–

He wakes up hours later with a sharp pant.

The sun hasn’t hit the bed yet; it must be still pretty early in the morning. Anna’s completely starfished out, asleep, but Elsa’s nowhere to be found.

Kristoff gets up, letting a muffled grumble escape as he scrubs his face with his hands. Some things never change, alright–like certain people’s tendency to decide they’re done sleeping as soon as they wake up, even if they wake up in the middle of the night.

He means to check in Anna’s office, or maybe the library, but finds himself wandering out of the castle altogether and making for the stables. Elsa said she was going for a walk, right? Maybe she stayed out.

Sven’s still asleep too, but pokes his muzzle into Kristoff’s hand anyway when he meanders in. “Hey, buddy,” Kristoff says, happy to oblige with a few scratches.

Instead of waking Sven up fully, though, he just ends up sitting down on the floor. Sven cracks an eye open at this, letting out a soft, questioning bark.

“I’m okay,” he answers quickly. “Just…getting some thoughts together.”

His fingers start idly running over Sven’s coarse pelt–smoothing out matted, tangled parts, pulling out burs, bits of dirt. It’s been a long, hard year for them, but when hasn’t that been true? They’ve been through a lot together, him and Sven.

Something in stomach twists slightly, but he shoves it aside. Anna’s gonna be upset if Elsa misses breakfast just because she lost track of time, so he really should get up, get going and look for her.

“I was having a great dream,” a drowsy voice drifts in through the stable doors, “It was warm, and sunny, and I got to stay in bed past noon for once, and my family and I, we just hung out, because it was the weekend.”

“That does sound pretty awesome,” Kristoff agrees, feeling his lips tug up, just a little bit.

“I know, right?” The door swings open to reveal a yawning Anna. “Then I woke up and remembered: oh yeah! My family is filled with obnoxious workaholic early-riser types.”

“Hey, don’t look at me,” Kristoff replies as she drops down unceremoniously next to him on the floor. “Elsa got up first. She had a…it was still dark.”

“Huh,” Anna says, staying where she is.

That makes him frown. “You don’t wanna go look for her?”

It takes awhile for her to answer. “You know what I wonder sometimes?” she says finally, “Who takes care of Elsa when she has a nightmare in the Forest?”

He looks down at her; she looks serious about the question. “I guess it could be…Honeymaren, or Yelana, or Ryder…”

“Maybe the Spirits, too,” Anna agrees, “But it must have taken some adjusting, right? She probably had to do it herself, at least for a while. Maybe she still does.”

“And that’s…okay now?” He’s starting to feel a little lost in all this. “You think Elsa–”

“I think Elsa’s gonna come back when she’s done working through whatever she needs to work through, and if she just left without saying goodbye I’ll murder her myself,” Anna says. Then she frowns slightly. “Besides, she has a magic horse that takes her anywhere she wants now. It’s not like I can catch up with her even if I want to.”

He studies her for a moment, then throws an arm around her shoulders. “Nah. I bet you still could.”

Anna smiles at him before cuddling into his chest. “So what about you?”

“What about me?” He starts a little at the tone of his voice–like he’s bitter.

Anna doesn’t seem to notice. “You getting up freakishly early is normal, but you’re usually doing stuff instead of moping around in the stables. Wanna tell me what that’s about, sydani?”

She says that last word like she’s proud of it. “What?”

“Sydani,” Anna repeats, “You know, like heart? You call me that sometimes when I wake up from my nightmares. I figured it was a word from when you were little.”

Her head tilts up, searching his face anxiously now. “Did I say it wrong? The old dictionary in our library wasn’t super clear about the pronunciation–”

“No, you said it right,” Kristoff says, “Or, well–I don’t know.”

He stares blankly ahead. Sven’s snoring again. Sydani. He thinks he does remember hearing it, some place warm and small with voices that sound like songs.

“I didn’t know,” he continues finally, feeling that something twist in his stomach again, “What it meant.”

Anna’s quiet for a second; then she tucks her head down again and starts playing with the calluses on his hands. “Did you have a dream about them? Your birth family.”

Kristoff shrugs, letting a little sliver of the something expand, just a little. “I don’t remember. So…probably.”

A soft huff of air hits his chest as Anna breathes out. “We could try finding them, you know.”

“You’d do that?” He asks, startled.

“Kristoff.”

Yeah, okay–he probably deserves that eye roll. “Right.”

She nods firmly. “We can take the others, too. Or not! It’s your call. It can also be just us, with the finding-stuff-out, and the danger–there’ll probably be danger. It can be like a husband-and-wife fact-finding mission! Unless you wanna go before the wedding? The timing’s a little tighter there, but I bet I can make it work.”

Her energy for the idea is infectious, but the something digs harder into Kristoff again, makes him look away. “I’m not even sure if I wanna know, to be honest.”

He has this now. This, and the Trolls since always, and Sven since before that. Does it even matter that there was a him, even before before? Or that he doesn’t really remember how and when that him ended? Maybe he just got lost one day and they never found him. Or maybe they left him behind–because they had to, or because they just didn’t…

The something lodges itself in his throat now. He stares down hard at the top of Anna’s head, willing it to go away. Why should it matter whether he was left behind or did the leaving? He’s seen enough these past years to know how deeply either one can hurt. What will knowing for sure give him, anyway? It won’t bring them back; he’s not dumb enough to think otherwise.

“That’s okay, too,” Anna says after he’s been quiet for a while. She squeezes his hand. “We get a whole life to figure it out.”

He feels the something ease up when he squeezes back. “That’s the plan.”

They probably look goofy, just smiling at each other on the stable floor, but whatever–it’s nice.

Then something in the rafters squeaks. “What?”

But Anna just rolls her eyes again. “Elsa,” she calls out, “If you sent Bruni up there so he can jump down on my head, I swear…”

The menacing trail-off apparently works, because a few seconds later the door swings open. “I didn’t,” Elsa says, unconvincingly, as Bruni jumps down on Anna’s shoulder instead.

“Uh huh,” Anna replies skeptically, but she gives Bruni a little pat and kicks her feet into Elsa’s lap when Elsa sits next to them.

“Good walk?” Kristoff asks.

Her smile looks a little careworn, but it’s real. “Good. Good talk?”

“Good,” Anna answers for him. He nods, then tilts his head back so it can rest against the stall. The low light of the stable is making him sleepy again, and he’s pretty sure he’s not the only one; Anna’s practically horizontal now. Sven’s still snoring away, everything’s nice and warm…

Elsa’s stomach lets out a long, aggressive growl. “Sorry,” she says sheepishly as they both blink up at her. “Maybe we should…head back to the castle instead of bonding in a dirty, foodless shack?”

“Sven would share a carrot with you if you asked,” Kristoff teases, but he’s getting up already, and pulling Anna along with him.

The sun’s pretty high up when they head outside, and there’s not a cloud in the sky. A gorgeous day. “Looks like your dream might come true after all,” he says to Anna.

“Hm,” she says neutrally, and then starts to whistle.

It’s a pretty tune, if a little eerie-sounding, and it makes Elsa stop in her tracks. “Anna,” she says, eyes narrowing in suspicion. “What are you–”

Kristoff’s pretty sure he hears a flutey chime in the breeze–almost like laughter–before a pile of mud flings itself from nowhere into her face.

“Ha!” Anna gloats, “I knew it–your ice dresses can totally get dirty.”

“That was something you wanted to know?” Kristoff asks, nonplussed.

Anna opens her mouth to answer, but they’re both distracted as Elsa slowly reaches up to wipe the mud from her eyes. Then, without a word, she waves her hand, siphoning the filth from her dress and folding them into a snowball that grows, and grows, and grows, until it’s bigger than most people.

“Wow!” Kristoff says.

“Oh, no,” Anna says.

She grabs his hand and starts to run.

#counterpunches #disney #helen writes

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