#this is my baby she has ptsd like me | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

tabithatwo · 1 year

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are we ready to talk about shauna's barely hidden but somehow very ignored psychosis and how it, like a ton of her other qualities, is brushed aside by both those around her and the audience? like, i think its clear that a central focus of the show is the way lottie is the only one who got stuck in a facility (and natalie in and out of rehab being the next closest to reckoning with her shit) when the rest of them are very clearly not okay. as a certified Crazy Girl, i've been weary of how they'll handle lottie's story line (blurring psychosis and the supernatural is a very delicate and tricky thing and thus far i've been sort of just waiting to see where it goes). our data on and understanding of mental health is incredibly limited for a lot of reasons (but that's a rant for another time) but there is a large mainstream misconception of when hallucinations and delusions can happen. psychosis isn't just something that happens in schizophrenia and its very complex, so if you want to learn more there's plenty of info out there i'm not going to get into it here, but it happens in a lot of other cases. psychosis is, most simply put, a loss of contact with external reality. ptsd can cause psychosis, especially auditory and visual hallucinations.

so shauna is shown to have these experiences and i didn't realize that they were being so heavily overlooked by a large amount of people until the reaction to the scene where she beats lottie nearly to death. shauna is introduced in s1 as having hallucinations of jackie 25 years later. she is shown to disassociate. in 207, she both holds the baby's body and believes the delusion that they ate the baby. the episode shows her fighting the delusion until she can't anymore. meanwhile, adult shauna tells lottie she keeps callie at arms length out of "fear that she would die...i guess? or maybe that she was never even...real to begin with." then she adds "i think something is broken, lottie." implied: she's broken. something is wrong with her. this is the is the most honest about her mental state we've ever seen shauna be.

why? because lottie has always been and likely will always be perceived as crazier. lottie is the one they pin it on, lottie is the cult leader both then and now, lottie is the scapegoat, lottie is the one who got sent to switzerland. i think there's something to be said for the effect lottie has on people (again, a whole other post) but honestly, that alone is enough. shauna is feeling vulnerable for a lot of reasons and she can tell lottie that she thinks she's crazy, that she's never quite sure her daughter exists, that she's constantly afraid she'll die to the degree that she doesn't let herself interact with her in a real, tangible way, because it's always safer to tell the crazy girl you're crazy, too.

and lottie knows. shauna knows that. lottie clocked her psychosis almost immediately, when she was in the meat shed for all hours. the other girls were shocked by the makeup, and their shock was so fucking strange to me when i watched it, but now on reflecting i'm realizing maybe its the lottie effect. like, have i done the shit shauna has? abso-fucking-lutely not lol. but does my mind work in a way where i immediately would assume shauna was doing something along the lines of the shit she was doing out there, because to me its like...what else would it be? yeah. like sees like, in a way. lottie knows what this looks like at baseline, even if its coming out way different in shauna. even if in shauna it looks like aggression and violence a lot of the time. lottie gets it.

jeff doesn't get it, he thinks strawberry lube is too wild. taissa gets it to a degree, and we see shauna be the second most open with her, but tai suppresses and hides it a degree that she wouldn't dare step foot in a therapist's office (this is yet another thing that makes me crazy but is a whole other post lol). shauna's main goal in this life she's created is pretending to be normal. and she's like, impressively bad at it. but people let her, because what else are they going to do? addressing the clear issues is taboo, because we categorize people so heavily. she masks better than lottie, but it's fucking wafer thin. you see this when she interacts with people who aren't her family or the other yjs. the way she speaks to the taylors? to adam? shauna is only sometimes masking passably when she's in her set world, where she has a routine, and is surrounded by people she only has to half-convince of her sanity.

if shauna is honest about the level of psychosis she experiences, she knows she'll end up like lottie. and i think there's an argument to be made that the people around her (which at this point in her life is pretty much just jeff because she's done another common thing and insulated herself from other people, re: the way she behaves being clockably off to others who won't overlook certain things or can't relate) understand that too. it can't be addressed, because then in their minds there must be action of some kind if it is. (taissa yelling you're acting crazy, shauna is one of the most purely terrified moments we see of her in relation to shauna, because she knows she's admitting something. jeff yelling something to the same effect after the carjacking, same thing.)

the person we see try to get shauna to open up about it is callie. her teenage daughter, who bares the brunt of her difficulty maintaining reality, (who knows that shauna has never accepted her fully as her child, and seems to actually sense that there is a deeper reason for that), asks her to open up. she tells her after the club scene that she knows something is wrong. she even mentions jackie directly. she spends all of s2 trying to relate to shauna, to get her to be open with her about everything. there's no way shauna's trauma and psychosis and general issues have gone unnoticed by callie. daughters always know. they see it in their mothers before they even have a concept of the world. so we're watching a 16 year old try to get her mom to open up, because she doesn't understand fully why that's so dangerous to shauna. to callie, it may even be a secret she thinks other people are in on that she's being left out of. i think maybe she's realizing that it isn't personal and that shauna is guarded like this in general, and we're watching that happen.

callie is learning to care for and relate to her mother and she doesn't see why shauna won't let her in, because to her it's an innate truth that she'll be by her side no matter what (if only she'd let her be). she has unconditional love for her mother and that is the scariest thing in the world to shauna, because the last person who had unconditional love for shauna died because shauna didn't know what to do with it. a baby she never got a chance to meet in reality could've replaced the love that jackie gave her, and shauna was maybe starting to look forward to that, but that ended before it began. so twice shauna has killed that figure in her life. the one who loves her wholly and for who she is, which is terrifying to shauna in it's own right (she tried to take that away from jackie in their last moments, maybe you never really knew me, because that would be easier. shauna can't handle someone really knowing her because she can't handle really knowing herself because, again, that means addressing things that go unaddressed). and she doesn't plan on killing that figure again.

(if callie's even real, because the baby wasn't real when she met him and jackie wasn't real every time she's talked to her in the last twenty-five years, so who the fuck is to say callie is real?)

#this started purely as a shauna shipman psychosis discussion and ended with shauna callie mother daughter dynamics but i'm only human #they are so special to me #as the crazy daughter of a crazy mother that i had to let go of. watching them is a wild experience #shauna shipman #jackie taylor #jackie x shauna #taissa turner #shauna x jackie #jackieshauna #callie sadecki #tai x shauna #lottie matthews #lottie x shauna #yellowjackets #cw psychosis

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nataliesscatorccio · 7 months

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Dead cabin guy and his technicolor dreamcoat have haunted me since the wardrobe reveal in season two, and today im going to make it everyone's problem.

Travis wears the coat first. He and Natalie take the blessing and go out to look for Javi. Travis hallucinates (prophesies?) that Javi is dead and buried beneath the snow, but Natalie shows him it's only a fox. Travis finds the strange, mossy tree stump. The next day Travis has strong feelings about which direction is best to search for Javi in, and we don't see more of him until Nat reveals the bloody pants. Not that weird, all things considered. New season, new wardrobe additions. Hiking on a caloric deficit with PTSD, you'll probably hallucinate. Pretty standard stuff.

Then Nat wears the coat. She takes it to lay Jackie's bones to rest at the crash site, and while she wears it she sees (hallucinates? prophesies? I'm not sure!) the white moose that they'll later lose to the lake (ergo the hunt, ergo Javi dies for real but more on that later).

We get to Old Wounds, the hunting competition, and Lottie wears the coat now. You see where I'm going with this but just to be thorough: she enters the realm of death dreams, talks with Laura Lee, almost freezes to death.

Episode five. Melissa wears the coat. Maybe that's not important! Maybe it's just to show that they all share the wardrobe, and that the side characters are as equally All In This Together as the main characters are. Or it could mean something that a peripheral character, wearing important wardrobe, framed in antlers (not unlike Travis in 2.01), has the line "maybe he did die, and that's his ghost." It's a little suspicious, and at this point starts to feel like a pattern.

Who wears it next, who wore it best!? That's right baby, it's Paul! For his dreamworld drifter, hallucination hunk Coach Ben Scott. Nicholas Urfe himself. Ben spends almost all of his time in a dream, until *drumroll please* Paul, very pointedly, takes the coat and walks out the door. "Where do you think you are, Ben?" he puts the coat on. "You had to have known you couldn't stay here forever. [...] What matters now is that you aren't welcome here anymore." Following Paul means committing to death (to dream), and until interruption that's the choice Ben makes. Because letting Paul (and the coat) go would mean committing entirely to reality.

Of course, the pièce de résistance is something I didn't even notice until I went looking for it. The first dozen times I watched, I thought that after Lottie's beating Shauna brought her a blanket. "Lottie's cold." But she doesn't. She brings her the coat. Lottie is laying with it when, in a fever dream, she witnesses/hallucinates/prophesies parts of the hunt.

It's there again (on the back of the chair) when she sits by the fire and speaks for the wilderness, appointing Nat their queen. Ben watches, having woken from the dream himself, as they all bow to Natalie and leave reality behind for good.

Of course, there are a lot of times when characters hallucinate strange things in the cabin while not wearing the coat, because they're all starving to death and traumatized. Mari. Shauna. Akilah. But in addition to that, it seems like a pattern worth noting that in each instance where a character wears the technicolor coat, the line between the real and the imagined seems to blur with more ease. Does dead cabin guy's technicolor dreamcoat help the Yellowjackets connect to the dream realm?

I'll be brief here with the biblical parallel: blah blah Joseph is the favorite son (you were always its favorite), his father gives him a technicolor coat (they're nothing special, they don't change color in the cold or anything). blah blah Joseph starts having prophetic dreams etc etc his jealous brothers throw Joseph down a pit (the wilderness chose) and bring his bloodstained coat back as false proof of his death (hanging on a branch. a couple miles back). You get my drift.

Does it mean anything? Who knows. But in a series where wardrobe is such an integral part of the storytelling, it felt worth paying attention to.

#yellowjackets #long post #travis martinez #lottie matthews #natalie scatorccio #melissa yellowjackets #paul yellowjackets #yellowjackets meta #javi martinez #shauna shipman #ben scott #akilah yellowjackets #mari yellowjackets

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hello-nichya-here · 4 months

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Did Sia insult topic of autism somehow?

Oh honey, it's sooooooooo much worse than that.

Sia wanted to make a movie about an autistic girl that manages to connect to people/feel safe and confident through music. So far, nothing outrageous, just a simple concept that would obviously put Sia's music front and center while doing something nice and educating people on autism.

There was controversy about her not casting an autistic actress as it would have been nice representation, but she could have totally gotten away with that since, come on, hollywood hasn't even figured out Rain Man isn't exactly true to life, they're not ready to have an autistic person playing an autistic character. Baby steps.

The real problem started when Sia started promoting the "charity/support group" that was helping "educate" her on the topic to make the movie. The "charity" in question was Autism Speaks - which is absolutely HATED by the autistic community for things like:

1 - Spreading the myth that autism is a mental illness that one can develop/catch like the freaking flue and potentially be cured of, instead of a neurotype, aka something starts in the woomb and cannot be "cured" because to do that you'd need to replace someone's entire nervous system, which is impossible.

2 - Using that myth to get outrageous amounts of money from people so they "search for a cure" - that doesn't exist and will never exist because curing autism is biologically impossible, AND despite the fact that the overwhelming majority of autistic people don't even want to be "cured" (plus, since said "cure" would essentially mean giving the person a new brain, it leads to the question of "Would I even be the same person, or would that just kill and replace me?")

3 - Using the myth of "We don't know what causes autism" (we do, it's genetic) to, of course, get MORE money from people so they can "do research to find the missing puzzle piece" (if you ever see autistic people complaining about a puzzle piece being used to represent the condition, that's why, it was started by Autism Speak's massive disinformation campains).

4 - Falsely "confirming" things like soy milk cause autism with one of the world's most ridiculous "research", losing only to "vaccines totally make kids autistic, buy MY vaccine instead, guys, I am totally not an unbelievably biased person, it's ALL the other doctors/scientists lying to you. GIVE ME MONEY!"

5 - Pushing the narrative of "autism is inherently a tragedy" to distract from the fact that all the money they waste on stupid shit could be used to help autistic people and their families. Instead, they focus on creating more and more panic, making parents in particular despair even more - to the point that one of their "awareness videos" includes a mother talking about how she wants to murder her autistic daughter and then kill herself... while sitting right next to said daughter.

6 - Promoting ABA "therapy" - which was created by the same guy responsible for the attrocity that is gay conversion "therapy." Both have led to unbelievably high rates of confirmed PTSD and suicidal ideation in patients (victims), and ABA in particular has been compared to literal dog training. Very fitting since it was created by a guy who famously did not believe autistic people truly counted as thinking, feeling human beings, and said as much several times. Despite that, it is still praised by some utter bastards because "it makes the patients act less autistic when they're not crying in the corner or trying to jump out a window"

So yeah, working with these guys is a genuinely horrible thing to do since they're basically a scam/hate group pretending to be a charity - and people were STILL willing to give Sia the benefit of the doubt, since Autism Speak uses all their resources to make sure they're the first thing people see when looking up how to help autistic people.

Lots of Sia's fans, both autistic and allistic, warned her repeatedly, politely, that she needed to supporting them IMMEDIATELY as their goal was the exact opposite of the one she claimed to have - aka raise awareness through an accurate portrail of autism. People were even kind enough to name organizations like ASAN as replacements to help her fix any damage done to the project.

And instead of being a decent human being, Sia decided to cry on twitter about how the mean retar-I mean, autistics were bullying her even when she was so kindly using them for her vanity project.

Because yes, that's how the movie turned out. An unwatcheable piece of garbage, with the autistic "character" being so fucking bad even the people who actively use "autistic" as insulted being offended on our behalf - and of course, she was used just a prop to show how awesome Sia's character was.

Seriously, it was so bad the actress playing the autistic girl was sobbing in between scenes because she knew how it was horrible and she didn't want to insult anyone, but Sia is literally her godmother and helped her career by putting her in nearly all her music videos so she felt obligated to go along with it.

So yeah, fuck Sia and fuck Autism Speaks.

#asks #sia #ableism #autism speaks #actually autistic #aba therapy

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peachesofteal · 1 year

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First Sight

Chapter 1 of 2. Part five of the Sassy series. Reblogs, comments, likes, interactions, etc are cherished by me. 🖤

Simon Riley/female reader 5.9k words - AO3

Warnings-tags: 18+ Minors DNI, pregnant reader, PTSD, thigh riding, Simon talks you through it, praise kink, explicit sex, jealousy, possessive Simon, angst, tenderness, mentions of blood and violence, nightmares, childbirth, medical procedures, Simon is bad at feelings; Simon is learning how to have his feelings. Simon has felt this before.

“And you are?”

“I’m her… I’m the baby’s father. We had her information updated two weeks ago, at the office. I’m listed as her emergency contact.” The doctor looks skeptical but taps a few keys on her laptop before she glances back to him.

“Last name?”

“Riley.”

“Sorry, Mr. Riley. She’s been my patient for nearly seven months, and I’ve never seen or heard of you.” Bloody hell. His jaw clenches together so hard he thinks his teeth might shatter.

“I’ve been overseas.” The lights and sounds are scratching under his skin, making him tense, priming him for a fight. “I came in on the ambulance with her... I have to be with her. She can’t be alone when she wakes up. She’ll be scared. She won’t… she has P-.”

“I am aware of her history.” The doctor snipes and his fist tightens, tendons curling until his hand becomes a weapon, not thing the of comfort it was a mere ten minutes ago.

“Look. I’m on her list. So you can let me back there or-“ She holds her hand up to silence him and the vein in his forehead pulses.

“I’ve already paged a tech to bring you to her room, Mr. Riley. It’s just going to be a few minutes.” She gives him a reproachful look before she says something about coming by to check on you shortly, and he lets out a long breath.

You’re somewhere else. Your eyes are trained on the e-reader in your hand, but they’re not moving across the screen. You’re not blinking. Your breathing is even, and deep, but your fingers are fisted in the blanket, and your gaze is burning a hole through the bed, through the floor, possibly right down to the core of the earth.

It makes Simon nervous.

Not because he is afraid of your PTSD.

He is afraid of you slipping away. Sometimes, you leave and come back a different girl, the guarded one, the one that hasn’t tried to forgive him, the one who is reliving the pain he caused her every second. The one who takes your place when you disappear right in front of him, who’s memories burn too bright.

He knows he may never be fully absolved in your mind, but you still show him mercy. You still let him in, still let him have you, except in the moments when you fall through his fingers like tiny grains of sand. Those moments may have been earned, but it doesn’t make their sting any less painful, and he struggles in throes of them.

“Sass?” He calls, cautiously, reaching for where your hand is clenched. His fingers graze the sheets, the softness of the fabric much like your skin. They must be expensive, he figures, the cotton luxurious against the rough scrape of his palm. He thinks he likes the color, the soft green that matches the chair and the trim in the baby’s room. “Glacial green,” you correct him every time he calls it light green, or blue green, or pea soup. It’s a natural tone, earthy, and you seem to gravitate towards it, always telling him you think the color is ‘soothing’ or ‘calming’. You have a few shirts and sweaters in the same palette too, and an old, faded sweatshirt that you used to wear when you were with the 141, worn out lettering stitched across the chest. It was too big for you then, always drooping below the flare of your hips, the hem stretched out and curled. Now, it pulls snugly across your middle while you lay in bed beside him, where the e-reader sits in your dainty fingers. He doesn’t know how you’ve done it, keep your fingers so velvet and smooth, even after your years in the desert. “Sass.” He tries again, louder, squeezing with the lightest bit of pressure until you blink.

“I’m here.”

“I know.” You turn your face up towards him with a sleepy smile, and he reaches for you without hesitation. “Tired?” He murmurs into your hair, your nose just slightly smashed into his neck.

“Mmm. Yeah, sleep sounds nice.” He finds the light easily, pulling the room into darkness with a flick of the chain, and returns to press his face to yours before succumbing to the pull of sleep.

“I mean, did you get a good look at her?”

“Shit. I’d bury my face in that ass. EOD is air force, right? Think she’s got a landing strip?”

“Dunno but I’d be coming in for a landing all the time if she was on my squad.” The table of privates laugh to each other, and Simon’s fingers curl around the bottom of the beer bottle in front of him. He briefly considers, for a moment, if Price would dismiss him if he broke it over one of their heads and then used the shards to slit the rest of their throats. Bleed ‘em out right there on the table.

He shifts on the stool. Johnny gives him a skeptical look. One of them, says something else. Sounds a little like ‘tight’ and ‘pussy’ strung together. Another one snickers.

He’s on his feet behind them before anyone realizes. The low drone of rage pressurizes inside his skull.

“Want to share what’s so funny, private?” The table falls silent immediately, all of them staring up at him, dumbfounded.

“N-nothing’s funny, sir.”

“Ya sure about that?” Johnny chimes in before Simon can say anything.

“The bomb tech, we were just… appreciating her. Saying how nice it must be nice, having something like that to look at all the time.” Simon can feel the heat of Johnny’s gaze on the nape of his neck.

“The bomb tech outranks you, private. You will address her as Sergeant.”

“Y- yes, sir.”

When he gets back to the base and little house the 141 is crammed into, you’re already asleep in your room. Sprawled across the shitty thin mattress, your shirt rucked up around your stomach, little boyshorts riding the curve of your hips. The scar from Belize is still shiny across your ribs, peachy and puckered. The sight of you safe and sleeping soothes the raw buzzing of anger in the back of his head.

His girl. His.

He’s already got his hands all over you by the time he gets his boots off, and you shift a little when he presses his face into the top of your ass.

“Simon?” you mumble. “Y’okay?” Simon, Simon, Simon. It’s always Simon with you now. You’re constantly stripping him bare with it, and he doesn’t even know your name.

He teases a hand across your skin, over the scar and up under the peak of your breast to your nipple, where he rolls the already hardening bud between his fingers. You shudder with a moan, shoulders twisting to turn yourself on your back, but he stops you. His teeth find the swell of your ass, and he sinks them deep. You squeak.

“Can you hold still?” He says, your body answering for you with a shiver. The bite woke you sharply, and you watch him out of the corner of your eye.

He pulls the underwear down your legs until they disappear, and then sinks his fingers into your cheeks. The glisten of your cunt shimmers, already wet, already waiting for him.

“Scoot back, sweet girl. Up on your knees.” You do as he says, shimmying down until you’re pressing against his thigh, clit ghosting against the fabric of his jeans, just barely. Your hips are shifting, slowly, and he knows you’re trying to get just a little bit more friction. He leans over you, gloved hand in your hair. “Now be good for me and rub your desperate little clit on my leg until you come.” You shake your head no and he rears back, pulling off his shirt and gloves, leaving the mask and his jeans the only thing on his body. He slaps you across your ass, just hard enough to watch the skin turn under his palm, and you jolt with a moan, cunt pushing back against his leg. “Do you want me to give you my cock, Sass?” you nod frantically. “Then ride my thigh until you’re coming on it.” The curve of a smile, a smirk, pushes at your cheek, and you start to move your hips, slowly at first, and then fevered, chasing your high while he watches. “That’s my girl, just like that.”

You start to jerk erratically, your face screwing up into the little pout and he knows you’re close. “You going to come Sass?” You mewl pathetically, mouth making desperate sounds and he watches you rub yourself all over him. “Sweet girl. That’s it, just a little more. There you go.” Your gasps reach a fever pitch, and he groans. “Ride it out, good girl. Come all over me.” His jeans are smeared with you, but he praises you, telling you how good you were, how much he likes that you made a mess on him. Once you come down from it, he strips and presses himself along your back, rucking the balaclava up to his nose to pull the skin beneath your ear between his teeth. He wants to mark you, hard. Leave an impression of himself on your body, brand you down to your bones. Tomorrow, when those fuckwit privates line up for brief, he wants them to know.

He sinks into you as deep as he can, little noises coming from your mouth as he splits you open on his cock, your cunt so tight it feels like it’s choking him.

“Si-Simon.” It’s his name, again. You’re flaying him alive with it. When you say it, it feels like he’s not wearing the mask, it feels like he is Simon, and not Ghost. He’s becoming addicted to it, consumed by it. It makes his head foggy, makes him do things that he’s never done, like approach a table of infantry and scare them out of running their mouths, or mark you like you belong to him. You cloud his judgement. You make him want things, things he doesn’t deserve, things he could never have. You make him soft, and desperate, and when you turn and look over your shoulder as he slams himself to the hilt, your gaze burns into him like you’re seeing him. Like you know.

“Please, don’t.” Your voice breaks as you beg, clutching the baby to your chest. Your face is bruised, nose probably broken, and tears stream down your cheeks. You’re trembling, eyes desperate as you plead. “Simon. Simon, get up. Please, get up.” He tries, but he can’t. He is beaten. His body is broken, bones shattered, organs bleeding out slowly inside him. The cool metal kiss of a barrel presses to your temple and you scream at him, for him, he’s not sure anymore. “SIMON GET UP.” His body weighs a thousand pounds, and cannot lift himself to help you, to save either of you. The gun cocks, and you close your eyes right before the finger on the trigger moves, the bang echoing across the room and your-

He jerks awake, immediately seeking the warmth of your body next to him in bed. When he feels you, his chest loosens, and you shift onto your side, cracking an eye open.

“Hey.” Your voice is thick with sleep, but still sweet as honey, and he takes your hand in his. Your pulse flutters under his palm. Strong. Stable.

“Hey.”

“Nightmare?” He nods.

“Go back to sleep.” You roll your eyes, flicking on the light that sits at your bedside table.

“I’ve been sleeping forever, I am practically sleeping beauty at this point.” You stroke through his hair, nails scratching against his scalp. “Wanna talk about it?” you whisper, and he shakes his head. Yeah, Sass. Want to hear all about how I keep dreaming of your bloody corpse? Or about how I keep seeing you and our son being murdered right in front of me, over and over and I’m powerless to stop it? That’ll do real well for your stress level. Instead, he smooths his hand over the swell of your belly, where the baby sleeps, warm and protected, safe from everything out here that might hurt him. “You promised.” You needle, and the slight push is all that’s needed to relent.

“I keep… dreaming of you dying. Or being killed, in front of me. You and the baby.” You sit up a little and he immediately pulls the second pillow down behind the small of your back for support.

“Dying how?” He swallows.

“Someone’s holdin’ a gun to your head and you’re begging me to save you, but I can’t. I’m lying on the floor, bleeding out.”

“Sounds pretty scary.” There are a lot of things, that he hasn’t found the courage to say out loud to you yet. Promises and pledges, thoughts about being grateful and feelings of adoration. He wants to tell you how much he appreciates that you listen to him, that you validate him, but the words never come out, so he presses a kiss to your forehead before sliding down so his head is resting on the side of your belly.

The memory of the dream skips across the forefront of his mind, and he can still see you lying in a pool of blood, little boy lifeless in your arms. The blood, that looks just like the blood that covered the walls and the floor of his family’s house. His mom’s blood. Tommy and Beth’s. Joseph’s. The blood, that looks just the same as it did when he found you unconscious a few weeks ago, smells the same as when it poured out of the wound in your stomach in Belize. The blood, the blood, the-

“Simon.” He doesn’t even realize he’s breathing harshly until he hears you saying his name. “Hey, Si. Simon, it’s alright.” You stroke up and down his arm, tracing a faded pattern in his sleeve. “You’re here, in my house. In my bed. With me. There is no danger.”

“With you.”

“With me. And the baby. We’re here, together. We’re safe.” He turns his head, pressing his ear to your skin. Swoosh swoosh swoosh. The heartbeat soothes the frayed edges of his nerves, and the two of you sit just like that for a while, content. “Shit.” You groan, the sound a low whisper, and anxiously rub your belly. He waits for what he knows is coming, the pure, sweet melody that you hum when you try to settle the baby. The once guilty pleasure, when he would stand just out of sight so he could hear it, is now a full indulgence, as he’s able to lay beside you and rub circles into your skin while you hum softly.

It doesn’t come.

Instead, you gasp in surprise.

“Sass? What is it?”

“I… I think I peed myself.”

“Hey!” No. How did you find him so fast? “Simon, wait.” When you say his name, it jams into his brain, scrambling the signal, and forcing his steps to falter. It’s just enough for you to catch him. “Look. I know you’re mad. I know I fucked up.” You’re breathing heavily, probably from sprinting down the row of tents that he had ducked past, and you push your hands out in front of you like you’re trying to cage him in. “But I made sure Gaz was alright, and I still had a job to do! Those charges were my priority, I wouldn’t have split up otherwise. Simon, I understand-“ He cuts you off swiftly.

“You can address me by my call sign, Sergeant.” You startle. He looks away, looks anywhere else but your face, where your gaze waits to peel him open.

“What?”

“You will address me as Ghost, or Lieutenant.”

You’re guarded now, expression wary, but there’s still something hopeful in your eyes, something that’s calling him home to you.

He has to get away. Now.

You take an uneasy step forward, hand extended like you’re going to touch him.

“Simon.” You whisper.

He steps back.

Your face falls.

He’s tactical about it. The bag, the extra pillow, your shoes. A phone charger, the collection of snacks you’ve been hoarding recently, like a dragon hoards their gold. He remembers everything.

Almost everything.

His phone rings when he’s buckling his seatbelt.

“So, should I like, call an uber or are you going to help me get in the truck?” Bloody hell. He nearly beats his head against the steering wheel before he’s unbuckling and running towards the door. You’re standing in the living room, hands on your hips, unimpressed, with a hint of a smile on your lips.

“I’m sorry, I-“ you wave him off, reaching for his arm.

“Come on, you gotta boost me up.”

His eyes dart back and forth from the road, to where you sit, stone-faced in the passenger seat. You’ve been quiet since he pulled out of the driveway, the silence an uneasy thing that rests heavily between the two of you, and he reaches for your hand that lays limp on the seat.

“How’s the pain?”

“Not too bad.” You’re chewing on your lip, still lost in thought for a moment before you speak again. “Simon. If something happens…” his blood freezes.

“Nothing is going to happen.”

“We’ve never discussed it though. What to do if something goes wrong.”

“What do you mean?” Something has already gone wrong. Everything has gone wrong. It can’t get worse. It can’t.

“Well, if there are complications and we have to choose…” He almost pulls the truck over, his heart seizing in his chest like he’s been electrocuted. A million scenarios slam through his brain at record speed, flipping open in front of him like a picture book. Everything he’s imagined before, but worse. This time, it’s not mercs, or a stray bullet, or shadowed government assassins that take you away from him, but your own body, or a doctor, or-

No. He would not be without you if there was a choice. Not again.

“There is no choice, Sass.” His voice is gruff, and you palm your belly with a gulp. “We… I, would choose you. A million times. A million and one. There is no other choice… for me.”

“Okay.” You whisper. A tear rolls down your cheek before it’s hastily wiped away, and you turn to him with wide eyes.

“Okay.” He echoes, taking your hand in his.

You almost died. You almost died, and he wasn’t there. Johnny almost died, and you almost died, and he can’t stop thinking about the two of you wandering around trying to find the 141, trying to escape without a weapon, or comms, or anything. He can’t stop thinking about how vulnerable you were, how close you came to being dead. Being gone. Like everyone else. Like his family.

The feeling fills his body with ice. It paralyzes him before panic seizes his nervous system, pouring fear into every synapse flitting through his brain.

His family. You could have been lost, like his family.

He barges through the door of the office, eyes wild behind the mask.

“I need her gone.” Price looks up at him, perplexed.

“Who?”

“Sass. Transfer her. Put her on leave. Anything.”

“What are you on about?”

“I can’t… I can’t have her here. She’s fuckin’ with my head.” His chest feels tight, like there’s a thousand pounds sitting on his ribcage. It’s terror that is pumping through his veins right now, unbridled, and raw, threatening to wreck him where he stands.

“Ghost, calm down.”

“I can’t!” It’s practically a shout. He’s losing it. The empty echo of the dead radio replays over and over in his head. The image of Johnny, bleeding out, slumped against your small frame, the panic on your face, the two of you covered in blood loops repeatedly every time he closes his eyes. It melts into the memories of finding his family dead and then twists together, over and over until he thinks he might be hallucinating.

“Tell me what’s going on.” Price is standing now, voice calm, gesturing to the other chair. He’s not a loose cannon, not anymore, but it’s been a long time since he’s raised his voice at the captain. Guilt swells inside him.

“I’m fuckin’ her.” He paces in front of Price’s desk. “And it’s… She’s messing me up. Can’t think clearly.”

“You’re what now?”

“I’ve never… I’ve never asked you for anything-”

“Simon-“

“and I know this is unfair. She’s great at her job, Price I know that. But I have the seniority. And I need ya to do this for me.”

“I can’t just dismiss her. I brought her here, asked her myself.” He grits his teeth.

“Price… she….” His lungs are screaming now, his breath coming in short gasps but there’s no oxygen in this room. “It’s not… I can’t. It’s not safe.”

“Simon, sit down.” It’s an order, and he complies, slumping into the chair and cradling his head in his hands. “Now. Start from the beginning.”

“I know you’re disappointed.”

“You said I would be able to try.” You doctor is sitting on a chair at your bedside, across from Simon. She’s wearing a very serious expression, and you’re wearing your ‘don’t fuck with me face’, the one he’s seen time and time again, before and during ops. You open your mouth to argue with her again, but a contraction steals your breath, your nails sinking into his skin like tiny razorblades.

“Just breathe.” He soothes, stroking over the crown of your head until you fall back onto your pillow, tense lines of your forehead relaxing as your eyes close.

“If the placenta separates any further from the wall of the uterus during the rest of your labor, it could be life threatening for both you and the baby.” She doesn’t handle you with kid gloves, and you lift a lid to glare at her. He swallows the chuckle in his throat. Surefire way to catch a fist in the jaw.

“Fine.” The word is hissed through clenched teeth, and she pats your hand reassuringly.

“They’ll be some paperwork to sign, and then we’ll get you prepped. Nothing to eat or drink in the last six hours, right?”

“I’ve been in labor for the last seven and a half hours, so no.” you deadpan, before looking longingly over to your bag of snacks. The doctor glances at him with a gentle smile.

“Mr. Riley, you’ll need to change, we can… hopefully, provide you with scrubs that fit. We’ll also give you a surgical mask, and a cap. Sound good?” He nods in thanks as she leaves, and he turns back to you, pulling the mask down to his chin to rest his cheek against your palm. You raise an eyebrow at him.

“You’re not gonna pass out in there, right?”

“Me?”

“Well, they are going to pull my guts out.” What? You giggle, just a little, and heave a sigh. “But seriously. Don’t faint. I don’t think they have gurneys big enough for you.”

“I’ve seen plenty of guts, Sass.”

“Yeah…but not mine.”

Price announces his presence with a knock. “Heli’s almost here.” Simon says nothing. His elbows dig into his knees, fingers rolling the elastic band between his thumb and forefinger, strands of your hair wrapping around and around the tie until they become tight, little strings that make indentations. “Ghost.” He knows what Price wants. What he wants to hear. He still says nothing. “I did this for you against my better judgement.” Price says, like he doesn’t already know. When Simon looks at him, he sees the weight of their decision. The shame. The guilt. And he feels it, too. “You should say goodbye, Simon.”

His voice is rough, on the verge of a scream, or something worse when he finally speaks.

“I can’t.”

“So, when you get in the room, you’ll notice she’s lying on a table, and there’s a drape that’s a visual barrier between her chest and the rest of her body.” The nurse, the super friendly one that you said you liked, is talking him through what’s happening while he walks down the hallway next to her. Her shoes squeak a little bit against the linoleum, and he focuses on the pattern of the sound. Step squeak, step squeak, step- “Now, she can’t feel anything, but C-sections can be nerve-wracking, and she got a little anxious when we got into the OR.” He nods. Of course you’re nervous. You’re strapped to a table where they’re about to cut a hole in your abdomen. “She’s asked for you a few times, I promised I’d deliver.” She gives him a wink and pushes open a door. “Here he is!” She calls cheerily, and you turn to look, eyes finding his within a second, like always.

“Simon.” You wiggle your fingers towards him, and he wastes no time, sitting in the chair that the nurse pointed to and bringing your hand to the mask, right where his lips are.

“Hi sweet girl. You alright?” You nod.

“I think I’m a little high.”

“She had just a bit of midazolam, for the nerves.” Your doctor says from the other side of the drape.

“That’s alright.” He smoothes some hair from your face and tries to remember to breathe. Everything about this room sets him on the edge, and there’s a live wire running through his bones, all the way down to where his hand holds yours. There are too many people, too many lights, machines, and his skin is crawling, the desire to snatch you from the table and disappear down the hall repeating in the back of his mind, again and again. He can’t stop thinking about what could go wrong, terrible scenarios that leave you dead or the baby dead, or both. They push and pull at the logical side of his brain, fighting to get through, desperate to derail him, insistent and-

You smile up at him, all sweet, a little daft from the drugs, and everything feels quiet again. The tension between his shoulder blades lets out like air from a balloon, fast and easy.

“You ready?” He thumbs at a tear escaping from the corner of your eye. You’re looking at him, looking beneath the mask, kicking and tearing past the pieces of Ghost until you strike true, until you reach Simon. You always do.

He pushes his forehead against yours, and breathes you in, the stench of sterile hospital and all.

“Yeah, Sass. I’m ready.”

He’s pulling the balaclava back over his face when you bust through the door and ram right into him. He recoils, the reaction second nature, and his eyes find yours in the little bathroom mirror immediately. You step away, the room stretching too big all the sudden, the distance between his body and yours too far, and his brain stumbles over the realization. Something stutters in his chest, his breath catching when he looks at you, watching as you flail before you look away.

“Shit! Fuck. Sorry.” You glance at the wall, then the floor, then turn to run before he figures out how to make his mouth work.

“You’re alright, Sass. I’m finished.” You’re standing half in the hall, half in the bathroom, bleeding, and something twists in his gut. Blood and injury are not uncommon in the 141, but he’s surprised at how unsettled he feels when he sees the trickle of red on your shoulder.

“Get that cleaned up.” It comes out rough, like an order, and your throat bobs with a swallow.

“Okay a little bit of pressure and then you’re going to feel a lot of relief.” The doctor says and you nod, fingers pressed into his palm.

“Simon.” Your voice wavers.

“I’m right here. I got you.” He keeps his eyes trained on yours, willing himself to get lost in the hue of your irises, tuning out everything else in the room until-

A baby cries.

“Congratulations mom and dad!” Someone calls and the room spins. Mom and dad.

“Can I see him?” your fingers are still entrenched in his, the words watery and light.

“Breath sounds are good.” A voice says, and then there’s a squalling baby next to him. A baby. Your baby. His.

“Oh. Oh.” You’re in shock, he thinks. He’s not sure, because he might be too, and he blinks rapidly as you place a few fingers on the baby’s cheek. “Hi, Theo.” You coo and cry, smiling through the tears that dot your face. The nurse says something to you, and then she places the baby on your chest, where you cradle him with your other arm, pulling Simon’s hand up towards Theo’s back for support, holding it against his skin. You glance up at him for a second, teary happiness morphing into concern, and then back before your finger lifts from Theo’s cheek to his, swiping along his cheekbone. He presses your palm to his face with his free hand, over the mask, and closes his eyes for a second.

When you pull away, your fingers shimmer under the white lights of the operating room, and the tips of them shine with something wet.

His tears.

“I don’t see cabbage. What about romaine?”

“No. It has to be cabbage. Or kale! But I really prefer cabbage, and so does your kid, you know. Romaine is totally different.” You babble, and he stares at the heads of green leafed things underneath the misters, eyes scanning for the label that says cabbage.

“I don’t see any cabbage, Sass.” A woman who’s inspecting a shiny red pepper a few feet away from him looks over, curiously.

“It’s a staple food, Si. It never sells out; it has to be there.”

“It’s not.”

“Ask someone.” Irritation is bleeding into your voice now, and the idea of approaching a store employee makes his skin itch. Maybe he can just buy the romaine and ask for forgiveness, or go to a different supermarket. It’s not quite midnight yet, something else could be open.

The woman inspecting the peppers has sidled closer to him, close enough that he can see her face turned upwards towards his, eyes studying the balaclava before she clears her throat.

“Excuse me?” He turns, eyes narrowed.

“Who is that?” your voice rings through the speaker. “Is that a woman? Ask her where the cabbage is!” He pulls the phone away from his ear and blinks down at her.

“The cabbage is up here.” She says politely, pointing to the top row of light green, rounded vegetables. Nearly in front of his face.

“Thanks.” He says roughly, but she smiles at him all the same, while you call his name over and over on the phone. “I got it.”

“Yes! Oh my god thank you.”

“Yeah, yeah. Bloody lucky I love you.”

The line is silent. His heart lurches, thundering into a frantic beat that thrums through his entire body. His limbs feel numb, and he doesn’t say anything else, just holds his breath. He can hear you breathing, just barely, through the phone, but it sounds like you’re trying to hold your breath, too. Like you’re listening for him.

“Simon-“

“I still gotta get the potatoes. See you in a bit.” The line goes dead.

“Okay, sit here.” The nurse instructs and he forces his legs to move, makes his knees bend so he can lower himself in the chair. He can’t look away from what she’s holding in her arms, the infant, the baby that is his and yours. His kid. “Skin to skin is very important for newborns. It helps regulate their heartbeat and breathing and can help maintain their temperature.” She continues, motioning for him to relax against the backrest.

“Skin to skin?”

“Yes. You’ll need to take off your shirt.” He shakes his head. He can’t do this. You should be doing this. You’re his mother. He’s… he’s not you. Theo won’t want him, he’ll want you. He- “Mr. Riley? You don’t have to, but while we wait for her to get back, it’s a good opportunity for it.”

“What do I do?” The idea of holding Theo to his scarred chest makes him feel sick.

“Once you take off your shirt, I’ll put Theo in your arms and cover you both with a blanket.”

“I don’t think…”

“Don’t worry. I’ll show you how to hold him if that’s what you’re worried about.” Theo cries out, a sharp, shrill sound that draws her attention downwards before she looks back up at him with an expectant expression. Skin to skin is very important for newborns. He knows you would want him to do this. He knows that you would understand too, if it was too much, if he felt too exposed. But it’s important. Theo needs this. He needs… his dad.

He pulls the scrub top over his head, careful to keep the mask in place, and leans back slowly against the chair.

“You’re going to support his head just like this-“ she moves him into the crook of his elbow, positioning his little legs and arms so that he’s laying flush against his chest. “and his body will just rest right here in this space… and there you go.” Simon doesn’t breathe. He doesn’t move, he can hardly think. He doesn’t even feel her place a blanket over his body, curling it beneath where he cradles the baby. All he can see is Theo in his arms, so tiny, his eyes scrunched shut and small hand curled into a fist.

The lights in the room go dim, and he looks up, realizing that the nurse is by the door. “I’m going to give you some privacy. They should be finishing up with mom soon but there’s a button right there, next to the bed. The red one. Press it if you need anything and one of us will be here right away. Okay?” She gives him another encouraging smile and he nods.

“Okay.” When the door clicks shut, he finally lets out the shakiest breath of his life and reaches up to pull the surgical mask from his face. Theo’s eyes aren’t open, but his chest rises and falls, soothing some of the fear that has a grip on his heart. He gently touches Theo’s hand, and his tiny fingers curl around Simon’s giant one. He gets lost, staring down at the small boy. Looking at every single feature, his ears, his nose, the bow of his lips. He tries to memorize it all, the way the tuft of his hair sits, the creases of his skin around his elbows and knees, the soft pant of his breath. It fills him with emotion, so much he’s afraid it might overwhelm him, bury him beneath its weight. He knows this feeling, has felt it grow inside him since the very first day he laid eyes on you. Has watched it fight through a forest of dark and snarled roots, cutting and biting away at the things that have died and festered inside him. He knows it better than he knows himself now, knows the truth, cannot deny this knowledge that he would lay down and die for you, for Theo. He understands the pure terror that has blazed within him since that day in Belize, and he knows that he would spend the rest of his life, waiting in agony with bated breath, just to kiss you once more, or hold his child in his arms.

It terrifies him, but he knows its name.

He knows it’s love.

Simon leans down and brushes his lips across his son’s forehead, gentle and light, before murmuring to him as softly as he can manage.

“Hey, Theo. I’m your dad."

The next fic in this series is here.

#simon riley x reader #simon ghost riley x reader #female reader #sassy series #simon riley #pregnant reader #simon riley x you #cod mw22 fanfiction #cod fanfic #tw pregnancy #peaches writes #ghost x reader #simon ghost riley x you #simon ghost riley #simon riley x female reader #dad Simon Riley

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maximumkillshot · 5 months

Text

"I Can't Lose You" Part 6

Warnings: Aftermath of a miscarriage, descriptions of grief due to losing a baby, Angry Everyone, Death is mentioned, Wanting Death, Shock, Grief, PTSD Flashback, Panic, there is a parallel to a person jumping off a bridge (NOT ACTUALLY)

Pairing: Bangchan x Reader

Characters: Stray Kids, Reader

A/N: Ok if you read the above, you'll notice that anger is in the warnings. This is the first half of a chapter that had me crying as I wrote it. This is something that you all need to take into consideration... I LOVE YOU GUYS AND I AM SORRY IN ADVANCE ONCE AGAIN. My asks are always open for you guys to vent about this one.

Also remember, this is a fanfic. All of the boys are so sweet IRL.

Stray Kids! Masterlist

Overall Masterlist

ALL WORK IS UNDER ME AND MY BLOG. DO NOT TRY TO REPUBLISH OR STEAL MY WORK, AS THAT IS COPYRIGHTED UNDER ME AND IS CONSIDERED COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT WHICH IS A PUNISHABLE OFFENSE.

ANY WORK THAT YOU SEE ON OTHER SITES THAT ARE MY WORKS PLEASE NOTIFY ME IMMEDIATELY.

Previously:

He was mad at himself at those thoughts, Chris was so clearly into you so he used Bin’s insecurities against him… and it had worked. He thought about how all of this wouldn’t have happened and you and him would be happy together. That’s all he ever wanted for you. That was why he let you go in the first place. He wanted you to be happy.

After about half an hour of hushed talking, while Bin kept you relaxed, a set of footsteps walked down the hall. Just hearing them, Bin’s ears perked up. They had an authority to them, almost pompous in nature. Commanding… he knows those steps.

Now:

The minute Minho saw who it was entering the room his whole body went rigid, his hands in fists at his side as he got up and used his body to block whoever it was. He motioned for the boys to get closer to the bed. All of them standing, ready to jump.

“Just let me talk to her,” Bin’s vision started getting blurry, on the verge of blacking out with rage. He looked down to you, very unbothered by the sudden voice that assaulted the tranquility of the room. The first tranquil moment you've had in months. Months of your husband hiding and sneaking. And months of you planning and working excitedly making every detail perfect.

Bin made a split-second decision to lightly cover your ear that wasn't to his chest. Trying to prolong the inevitable.

Next up was Han as he said in a hushed tone, “she’s finally asleep. You are not coming in this room, Chris.” His tone was dark and that one sentence rolled off of his tongue like a warning.

“She’s my wife. I am going to see her whether you like it or not.” He sounded annoyed. Like this was an inconvenience. Bin did everything in the book to calm his heart, which was starting to spike at just hearing his voice.

Bin went on an internal tirade, how dare he come here? Killing your child wasn't enough? Making you so stressed out that you almost bled to death wasn't enough? Ripping your heart out and trampling it… not enough for him? NOOO let's show up when it's convenient, when no one expects it, playing the 'husband' card. When Bin knew he CLEARLY gave up that title already.

Especially when you did everything to be available for him. When he started to pull away you came to Bin and Han in tears, not knowing what to do. You love him so much that you actively went to find out what it was. Was it your weight? Did you talk too much or not enough? Did you ask for too much? Did you seem too boring? He has already been enough of a plague on your life already.

Minho giggled darkly, “You really want to die today, huh? Did you not hear Han, she’s resting. Now go away.”

“Not until I see her.” His voice raised slightly. The bite in his voice made Minho want to strangle him, to be honest. He doesn’t have any entitlement to you. Especially after what he’s done. As far as what Minho thinks, Chris was never your husband. No husband neglects their wife. No husband makes their wife lay awake at night, worried about if he had eaten or not, or if she’d even see him when she woke up.

That was enough for you to stir on Bin’s chest. Bin had to think quickly as he said "It's okay, go to sleep, Angel. I'm here," in the most delicate whisper. That was enough to knock you out again, humming against his chest.

Chris pulled back the curtain, even though Han and Minho tried their best to get him away. At that point, I.N, who was the closest to Chan, blocked him from your bedside.

“Get away from her.” He whispered, “She’s too fragile right now.”

Chris just looked at I.N. and said, “No one is keeping me from my wife, you’re lucky I even went along with it for this long. I’m not going to wake her.”

The venom in Chan's voice made the hair on Bin’s neck and arms raise. Not out of fear, no he could snap Chris in half if he was pissed off enough. His hair raised out of anger and knowing he couldn't do anything about it. The fact that Chan had the audacity to come into that room after what he did, knowing that you are fragile. That you barely made it out, and even now, you aren’t completely out. Yet there he was trying to force himself in. Like he had a right to be there, even though he was the one that caused it.

I.N looked at Han and Han signaled him to let it go.

Han knew that he was right, none of them had spousal rights. So technically Chris can kick them out, especially because she is still so weak, she can’t fend for herself or be able to sternly say ‘get out’ to her husband, not without consequences. They had no other choice.

Bin looked at Chan as he took a seat next to the bed, taking in your sleeping form. His heart was breaking at seeing how weak you looked. Your cheeks were slightly sunken in and your face was completely pale. The dark circles dominated your eyes, making your face look more like a mummy as opposed to a living breathing person. He looked at your arm with a blood bag hooked to it. When he looked up at Bin he could see that it took everything in Bin’s body not to kill him.

Bin just mouthed to him, “What the fuck are you doing here, get out.” The more that he looked at Chan the more he wanted to rip him apart. He looked well rested, smelled like he showered, hell he even did his hair. That pissed Changbin off. You’d think that he would at least look more disheveled. Given, he could see that he did look worried and sad. He didn’t look guilty.

Chris just ignored him and kept looking at you. Chris was transfixed on you. He was even more transfixed by your hold on Changbin. You looked like you were cuddling your favorite teddy bear. He remembered the last time you held him like that. Yesterday morning, when he came home to sleep for two hours, the minute the bed dipped you subconsciously reached for him, and he slightly rolled his eyes as he succumbed to his fate, smile on his face. You sighed so happily, you mumbled, ‘Mhmm missed you, love you,’ as you kissed his bare chest, and just like you’re positioned now, you were asleep. Now seeing you holding Bin like that makes jealousy more prominent in his mind.

It makes him sick to think about all of this as he plays with his wedding ring, thinking about not feeling you again, your hugs, your breath on his skin. The moans that’d he pull out of you, soothing his soul. The looks that’d make his heart stop. The giggle that’d be forced out even if you were mad. Not having the feeling of your skin on his, these thoughts make him want to die. He’s trying to actively ignore it. He’s trying to ignore the fact that he did something so disgusting, so unforgivable that he lost you. For him, it’s easier to be angry, angry and convinced that you’ll come back. That’s why he is doing what he is doing. That’s why he walked with bravado into that room.

He went to put some hair behind your ear just to have some contact and I.N’s hand flew out and wrapped his hand around his wrist. His jaw set. Bin wanted to do the exact same but it’d jolt you.

I.N. growled “No.. touching… get out of the room,” his brows furrowed, his usually soft eyes looking more like a piercing gaze.

Being the maknae, he has never challenged Chan before… At all. There’s a good reason as to why he is challenging him right now. Innah has always felt like he was awkward. He didn’t really know where he belonged in the team. Yes, he has a good voice and yes he’s good with choreography but he never really hung out with people other than Seungmin and Felix.

You being the person you are, you figured it out. He was watching one day, just seeing all of the members interacting, some of the older ones trying to bring him into the fold but it seemed ingenuine to him. Like he was the little brother that had to be included or Dad would get mad. You truly found the things that he loved interesting, really talked to him, and made him feel safe and welcomed.

There was one particularly hard night for him. Nothing went right that day and he was tired, frustrated, and needed to feel safe. He didn’t know where to go or who to go to. So he called you without knowing why. You picked up and the minute he heard your voice he started crying. You ran to his dorm. No one else was home, and of course, Chan was nowhere in sight. So you stood with him, talked, and cooked a midnight dinner with him. Got him to laugh, you both passed out on the couch after watching some anime.

After that night that no one knows about except the boys in the Danceracha house, I.N. was just like Hyunjin, except he’d do drive-by hugs, sometimes just falling on you giggling and looking for hugs and head scratches, like the fox he is. There were other times when he would just stand behind you, put his chin on the top of your head and say, “What are we doing here Y/N/N…. I am BORED” as he’d flop on you, “Let’s get Ramyeon.” You’d laugh and say, “How about this… you get through today… and Ramyeon’s on me.” He still smiles at those memories.

So of course, I.N. would fight King Kong if he had to if it meant protecting you.

Now, seeing Jeongin doing this, standing up to Chan, just to protect you, his Noona, made everyone that wasn’t Chan smile.

Chan stood up to his full height and said, “I just want to be here for her,” with a tight lip at the challenge of the maknae of his team. Chan can’t take the disrespect anymore. Even though he knows that he more than deserves to be treated like this and worse, he is still in that limbo of trying to convince himself that this didn’t actually happen or worse, that he can fix it.

Bin felt your grip tighten on him…

You said to yourself that you didn’t just hear that voice. You squeezed your eyes shut as you wiggled up a bit to bury your face into Bin's neck. You didn’t want the boys to see you cry.

The cologne you just smelled when you were on Bin's chest, that was Chan’s cologne. The voice you just heard, that was Chan’s voice. There was a war going on in your head. Do you talk to him? Can you talk to him? What do you say? What does HE have to say?

“Y/N?” Chan said as his body snapped to you. Seeing you now burrowed into Bin’s neck and chest.

It made the jealousy that he had before start to boil. That’s his wife, after all. Chan was your safety. He was the one you run to, not Changbin, of all people. Why does he fit so well next to you? Why does the feeling of you slipping away elicit anger at others, not himself? Why did he see you buried in Bin’s neck and not his own? It felt to him like someone was touching his favorite toy without permission. Why did she go to Bin for comfort and not him?

“Y/N, Baby?” He asked a little louder…

“Stop calling me that,” you responded to him, muffled by Bin’s neck as you cried in your own dark cocoon, that was what you imagined when in Bin’s neck. Surrounded by him, he’d never let anyone near close. He was your safety bubble.

Bin just moved his hand up to pet your hair back as you fought with yourself.

The only one who knew you were crying was Bin, who felt your tears on his neck. They felt like acid on his skin, he could feel the pain through them, the fear, the rejection, the grief. He hated seeing or feeling you cry. The fact that you were comfortable enough to trust him with your fragility was the only solace in this for him. He knew that no one could protect you more than he could. That’s exactly what he’s going to do, protect you.

“I’ve got you,” He whispered as he turned his face into you, trying to hide as much of your face as he could, to give you more shelter to cry in. He hated that you had to go through this. You would think that for even one second his bonehead bandmate would put his own ego aside for just one fucking day to give you the room you desperately needed. It’s not even like he could make the excuse of thinking that you are going through it alone. It’s clear that you aren’t, Bin always took care of you. Sometimes Chan thought that it was the perfect deal for himself. He was married to you, so obviously you wouldn’t betray him, and Bin was so in love with you that he’d move Heaven and Earth for you. So Chan being distracted was never the issue, Bin was always there. In his head Bin was like a Knight protecting the Queen in a chess game. The king doesn’t have to worry about the Queen.

Bin’s tone with you was gentle,“You tell me to get him out and that’s exactly what we’re going to do.” His face read danger, eyes never leaving Chris.

You really didn’t know what to do. You are at a loss really. You just got about half an hour in nearly 30+ hours of being awake. One thing you do know is that you are feeling your pain uptick at the thought of leaving Bin’s neck.

“Please, let me talk to you,” Chris pleaded with you. He tried to touch you.

Jeongin stopped him again, gripping his wrist. His grip was bruising in strength this time, “She did not say you could touch her. So you are keeping your hand to yourself. Either that or I rip it off, understand?”

Bin’s jaw was tight, if Chris made one more move, Bin was going to gently switch out with Seungmin, just to murder Chris, then switch out again so you could sleep, very simple.

“At least let me see your face, Baby,” Chris said as he yanked his hand from I.N’s grip.

Then you spoke again… your tone now carrying an authoritative air, “I told you not to call me that fucking name. I heard it enough when you were fucking her in our bed. Take that name and shove it, Chris.”

“As for seeing my face, you don’t deserve to see it after what you did to me. Neither of you deserve to see my face.”

“Give us the room,” Chan ordered. He was doing his best to keep his composure and to try to gauge how much control he lost of the group. He is very much aware of the fact that the power dynamic has changed. Chan knows that they don’t even respect him, let alone trust him. Another thing that he knows is that he would feel the same way.

He’s also embarrassed, not at what he’s done but at the fact that his members found out. The fact that he was caught with his pants down, both literally and figuratively. The fact that his members watched him do something so amoral was something that he was pissed off about. Not as much at the fact that he had no moral compass, but it was the fact that they reacted the way they did. They screamed at him, Chris, Bang Chan, their elder. They challenged his authority left and right. The fact that they’re rebelling only added fuel to the fire. He wanted, needed to get control back.

As far as he was concerned, this was all something that he could come back from. You love him, right? So obviously you’ll come back. You sunk 5 years into him, of course you’ll be back. There was far too many decent memories for you to check out now. You’re hurt, demoralized, angry, yes. However, knowing the peacekeeper you are, you’ll be back, he knows it. Why can’t they see that, why can’t they fight for him just as hard as they are fighting for you. Why can’t they get their noses out of his marriage and watch some K-Drama like they always do instead of driving a wedge further in between himself and his wife.

The frustration alone made him want to lose his composure. Everyone has their role, that is something he is an avid believer in. To you, Chan is the protector, he’s the one to chase all the bad things away, he is your husband. Changbin is your friend, nothing more. So it drove Chan crazy to see you relax in Bin’s arms.

He felt like Bin had no business in a bed with you. It being completely lost on him that he did the same thing, but worse with his wife’s best friend. Bin is not there to sexually gratify you, he is there to hold whatever’s left of you together.

Bin is trying desperately to reassure you, to look at all of your broken pieces and help you, to let you know that he won’t let Chris close enough to hurt you again.

When Chris ordered everyone to give him the room, not one person moved a muscle. All they did was look at you, waiting for an answer.

Bin whispered to you, “Do you want us to leave?” Internally he was praying that you wouldn’t want him to go. He as well as the rest of the boys don’t trust Chris as far as they can throw him.

You shook your head, “Can’t take it.” You knew that there would be no way that you could have this conversation alone, you’d be right back to square one. If you were honest there isn’t a way you can see this going well. You are still really weak. You can’t do much of anything at all yet, even needing help shifting in your own bed. Not to mention the person who did it to you is demanding an audience with you like you didn’t just go through a near-death experience and is barking orders at your boys. You couldn’t even scream at him for that.

Bin looked at the boys and said, “We aren’t going anywhere, Y/N’s orders.”

With that all of the boys had a seat, smiles on their faces as if to say try us, we dare you.

Chan’s face turned hard at that. It was worse than he thought… Not only did he lose control, he handed all of it over to you on a silver platter. Chan is an A personality type. He is very particular, one of those places he’s particular about is that he is the Alpha. He is the leader, the spearhead. So for everyone to do this, made him not only mad, but scared. He isn’t used to not being in control. That made his tone harsh as he barked,“Look, I know that you are in pain and I know that you don’t even want to see me right now, but we need to talk in private.”

Immediately I.N. bristled and took a step to him, Minho getting up and claiming the bottom half of the bed, looming on the post of it, glaring at Chan.

Felix growled, “Watch your tone, you aren’t the one calling the shots, Chris.” as he bore daggers into Chris’ forehead, standing at the ready.

You didn’t respond and Chan said something that made your blood boil,something he knew you couldn’t ignore, “It was mine too.”

It..IT?! Your heart cracked again as you left your cocoon, “IT?!” You raised your voice. You winced at the pain the movement caused. “MY child was not an IT… THEY WERE HERE CHRIS.” You grabbed your stomach, feeling your diaphragm scream at you to be quiet, your abdominals agreeing full-heartedly. “YOU gave up ANY parentage by fucking someone else when we were trying to have a baby for TWO FUCKING YEARS!”

“WHAT?!” Han exclaimed. Han started to see red, yet again… Han thought to himself, They were trying to have a baby for 2 years?!. Han looked briefly at everyone else, their faces set in the same murderous stare that resided on Han.

Meanwhile, Bin didn’t let that sink in, he was too busy noticing you started looking slightly confused and woozy. Whatever little color you had was turning more grey by the second.

“Y/N you need to breathe,” Bin tried to remind you. He tried his best to guide you back down but you weren't having it. Your anger taking control. He had a sinking feeling as his own heartrate picked up.

You thought for a few minutes and said, “I still can’t believe it, you know? It’s like last night was a horrible nightmare but, the pain, the blood… It really happened. My baby is really gone.” A stray tear ran down your face, “I don’t want to believe it. It hurts too much. But my body knows. It feels different. I don’t know what to do with that. I don’t… I can’t…”

Bin was watching your heart rate, the last time you tried to revisit this, you had to be sedated and apparently, Han is thinking the same thing. He looked at the monitors and got a bad feeling.

“I just wanted to surprise you, to show you how much I love you! To let you know that I am there for you and you repay me by emotionally cheating on me with my BEST FRIEND for a YEAR and physically cheating for two whole months?! NOW YOU WANT A PRIVATE CONVERSATION?! How is this for a private conversation.” You felt your body starting to fail again. The rage coursing through you is the only thing keeping you aware of your surroundings.

Chan went to look away, he couldn’t see you hurting this much. He couldn’t come to the realization that he did this to you. You screamed with what little energy you had , “LOOK AT ME YOU FUCKING COWARD!” as you held your stomach, trying to control the new waves of pain.

When he looked at you, you said, “Here’s a little private conversation for you. I’m granting your wish. You said to her ‘I can’t wait to leave her’... Guess what?” You gritted out, “I’m leaving you!” you started spiraling back into what happened not even a full 24 hours ago at repeating his sentence back to him. Hearing those same words in your head, seeing the blood, the reality of it once again slamming into you like it did before.

The minute that last sentence left your lips, the world slowed down for Chris. He saw everything, the wedding, the laughs you both had. Even the simple things like how whenever he got up, which was always well before you woke up; he’d stare at you, brushing your cheekbones with his knuckles. Watching your peaceful form and marveling at how effortlessly gorgeous you are. Now as he watches you, seeing the shreds of you that were left, he had a realization. He realized all at once that the person he loves and has always loved is dead. She’s dead, along with his child, because of him.

You started staring off tears freely falling, “I just want my baby… Bin, I want my baby.”

Your heart rate started climbing fast as you stared at your lap, seeing blood that wasn’t there anymore, then blinking and it disappearing, your face began to show distress, as tears started falling, and your mouth opened letting out rapid puffs of air. Bin looked at Han and yelled at him, "Get the nurses, go!" The next second Han ran out the door as the alarms went off on the monitors.

Bin looked at you and said, “Hey look at me, stay here with me, Angel.” Then he looked at Minho and said, “Clear the room. Get Chan out of her NOW!” Minho immediately started getting everyone up and out of the room as fast as possible.

Chris slowly backed up until he hit the wall,everything moving in slow motion. He looked at the monitor, seeing your ungodly fast heart rate. The fact that you could die right now from a heart attack made him want to collapse to his knees and start praying. Chris was watching how Bin handled you, tears were starting to sting in his eyes. He was shaking, feeling the gold of his wedding band as he watched a man who was so much more than he could be. How delicate he was with you. Why did I do this?

He was staring at your face, he could see it, the heartbreak. He wanted to help, to take all of it back. Flashes of memories flickered in his mind. All of the opportunities he had to be with you but chose not to. All of the times that you would try to save him from himself, even if it was as simple as reminding him to eat. He’d yell at you and tell you that he was a grown up. I’m not grown. You’d remind him to get up and stretch, to be present in the now. You always tried to connect to him, always tried to soothe him, always tried to bridge the gap he put in between the both of you. His heart felt like lead, sinking further. His voice, his legs, his body didn’t move. It was Innah who dragged him out of the room by the collar.

Bin looked back at you, “Y/N…” He could see, you were completely dissociated.

You weren’t responding to him at all, eyes glazed over as your heart rate kept climbing, you were glancing around, clearly confused. What he didn’t know is that you felt everything at once. You could hear him like he was underwater. Your vision was blurry, and you really couldn’t feel anything aside from the pain in your chest at the thought of anything, because you felt guilty.

“Angel, look at me, try to breathe for me. Come back to me.”

“They should be here, not me. My baby didn’t deserve that Binnie. I want to hold my baby!” You screamed, “I want to take them a bath, feed them, I want my Baby.”

Bin realized then that it’s the reality that’s so painful. Everything that was around you reminded you of the fact that you were living and your child wasn’t. He could see the pain on your face as he gently held your face, trying to get through to you. “I know you want to hold your baby, I want that too. I want that so badly but I can’t give you your baby, that can’t happen. No one can bring your baby back, Angel.” Tears were rolling down his face at seeing you like this. Your eyes were constantly searching as more tears fell from them, he tried to wipe the tears away as fast as they rolled down your cheeks.

Bin got behind you, caging you with his arms and chest. He pulled you flush to his chest and ran his hands up and down your arms as he slowly rocked you. He was trying to provide enough stimulation to get you back to being able to self-regulate. You were only getting worse as he watched helplessly. He tilted your head back to see you spiraling further down, “Binnie help me. I want my baby please.” You just wanted to let it consume you already.

You quaked as you wished out loud, screaming without even knowing it, “Please, just let me die, let me go, I want my Baby.” You knew it was the pain, but at this point, not having your child was worse than death. You screamed without fighting anymore. Sometimes the seconds would stretch as you screamed till no air was left to make a noise. Those sobs made you feel like your chest was in a car crusher. You couldn’t stop them no matter how hard you tried, but in your mind, there was no point in stopping them.

Changbin’s blood ran cold hearing you say that, feeling as if he got dunked in an ice bath. He choked on his own breath as he did his best to try to get his own voice to work. You may not want to be here right now, but he’s going to make sure that you make it. He looked into your eyes and they were completely dilated, you just lay on Bin’s chest as you made the decision. You were done fighting, the pain was too much. Bin felt it, he could feel the fight leave you as you went limp, crying.

He knows this feeling… this was the same feeling that he felt when you were losing consciousness. His gaze snapped to your eyes, no fight, no struggle. You looked like you were calling out to Death. You wanted it so badly. What was worse was that Death was answering, he could feel it in the room. Cold, dark, and looming.

His body went into overdrive, the shock melting into panic. He wasn’t going to let Death take you, “Han hurry up, she's slipping!” He screamed at the door. His scream didn’t sound like him. The sound akin to a bystander watching a loved one jump from a bridge. Watching the body disappear all because of one step. He couldn’t wouldn’t let you fall. He screamed as if he dove for your hand, the same hand that fits so perfectly in his, as you threatened to disappear over the ledge of that bridge.

Bin got closer to your ear, so you could hear him better, “Please don’t say that. I know it hurts, just stay with me, hold on. I’m here. Stay with me. You can’t leave me here, please.” Changbin tilted your head, so you could hear his heartbeat. Subconsciously thinking, If you go I go. He gently wrapped his arm across your breastbone, trying to provide some soothing pressure to your chest. His hand resting on your opposite arm, rubbing the meat of it in a soothing pattern. His other hand was petting your hair. The hold he had you in gave you someone to hold on to. As soon as his forearm rested you wrapped your hands around it, grabbing his hand as you dangled on the ledge.

“Binnie it hurts, pleaseee. Help me, it hurtss.” You sobbed, your voice cracking and breaking, a mirror of your soul. Bin continued to slowly rock you, “I know Angel, I know I want to take it away. Just hold on for me. Hold on to me.” He had no idea how he was able to be calm for you. A part of him knew that he needed to. He was not going to collapse so you could face all of this on your own. He refused. He needed to fight for you, and he would, for eternity if he had to.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

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linos-luna · 4 months

Note

hello! i really enjoy your writing and i find your fan fiction beautiful i swear 😭😭 sooo, i wanted to ask if you can write a bangchan x yn angst but w a happy ending (with a daddy issues yn) if you’re comfortable!<3; so i had this idea: Chan argue with yn because she always ask to him to take a break from his work and he just let out all his anger on her and start to say bad things to her (which he didn’t really meant or thought) and yn start crying in front of him during the argue because he reminded to her, her father. Once Chan start to feel bad about what he said to her and immediately try to excuse himself trying to get closer to yn for hug her, but, she immediately pulls him away but chan try to get closer to her again for make her calm down.

Thank you! I’m glad you like my writing! 🥺

This will be interesting because I had an abusive Stepfather so this will definitely resonate with me. At least we know it’s genuine 😅

——————————————————————

Awful Things 🥀

Bang Chan x Fem!Reader

Warnings: Angst, mentions of abuse, yelling, crying, ptsd?

——————————————————— 🥀

All he ever does is work. Your boyfriend is constantly stressed and barely gets any rest. You worry for him but know that he’s a workaholic, however it’s just not healthy.

So you try and remedy it. Cook for him and get him to relax. But it never lasts long. Often times he rarely spends any time with you. It all just bothered you and he seems to shrug it off whenever you mention it…

But you try not to dwell on it. You stay on the side lines and are usually shy to talk. Perhaps it’s just your personality, or your light fear of dominate male figures. Chan has never given you a reason to fear him but he still had that dominant aura. This issue stems from childhood and your boyfriend knows that.

~~~~

“Channie, please take the day off.” You pleaded.

Chan only glanced up from his laptop. He’s been on it for a while. He didn’t answer, only going back to typing.

“Hey!” You crossed your arms, annoyed that he was ignoring you; you hate that.

“What?”

“I keep telling you to take the day off!” You grunted. “You’ve been working nonstop for days!”

“Y/n, not now.” He sighed with annoyance.

“Chan—!”

“Y/n! Get out!”

“Excuse me?!” You were taken aback by his tone. He never yells at you like that.

“Out!” He yelled again while pointing towards the door.

You were frozen in place, not sure how to react, only looking down.

“Hey!” He yelled while snapping his fingers. “Are you stupid or something? I said get out!”

Your heart dropped when hearing that. Did he just insult you??

“Channie, I’m—”

“No because you’re so annoying!” He interrupted. “And you never know when to shut up! So needy! And for what?!”

This stung. You looked at him with glassy vision, trying to keep from crying as he stood up.

“Well you have my attention now! So what?! What do you want?!”

Your body shook as he came closer and your heart beat faster.

“I-I—”

“What?! You obviously want something! Spit it out dumb bitch!” His voice boomed as he practically backed you to the wall and slammed his hand against it, right next to your head.

This had you panicking, you started crying— no sobbing. You covered your face as if to block a strike.

It was then that Chan realized what he did. He watched in horror as tears streamed down your face and your body shook in fear. He quickly took his hand back and regretted everything he said, wishing he could take it all back.

“Babygirl, oh my god I’m sorry!” He pleaded. “I didn’t mean it! Not at all!”

The man tried coming closer to hug you, only making you scream and scoot away.

“Baby—”

“No! Get away!” You cried.

“Y/n—” Chan tried holding your arm, only for you to swat him away.

“Don’t hurt me!” You screamed. “Stop it!”

“Y/n please, I’m not—!”

“No!” You repeated. “You’re gonna hurt me like him! Don’t hurt me like daddy! Go away!!”

“I’m not going to hurt you!!”

His loud booming voice frightened you even more and you found yourself almost having a panic attack and you tried making yourself small.

Chan felt awful and tried holding you; wrapping his arms around you. You whimpered and tried pushing him away again but he held on tight. You struggled until eventually giving up and sobbing into his chest, finally accepting his embrace.

“Baby, I’m so sorry.” Chan said in a more soothing voice. “I shouldn’t have said those awful things…”

“Forgive me, y/n…” he whispered while rocking you slightly. “I shouldn’t have called you those things… I’d never hurt you… especially never like him…”

He felt like crying himself. Chan always wants you to feel safe. He wants you to feel safe with him. He knows what you’ve been through and your childhood of abuse. It’s been a while since you’ve had an episode like this and this time he caused it! And for what? Because he was stressed with work? Because he doesn’t want to take a break? He’s been neglecting you for days. You don’t deserve this!

“I’ll take the next few days off…” Chan said before kissing your head. “And I’ll spend all the days with you, okay? Every moment, I’ll spend with you…”

“I-I don’t wanna be a—”

“You’re not a burden… you’re not a bother.” He sighed, still holding you tight. “You’re never a bother to me, got it?”

You didn’t look at him, only nodding while still against his chest, probably staining his shirt with tears and mascara.

“This is what we’re gonna do…” Chan continued while rubbing your back. “We’re gonna get a small dinner… then get boba… then come home and finish off with cuddles and maybe a movie?”

“O-okay…”

You pulled away for a moment, noticing how his eyes were glassy as if he were going to cry at any moment. So you put your arms on his shoulders and gave him a kiss. No matter what, you still love him. You remember that Chan takes care of you. He loves you and always will…

#kpop #kpop x reader #fanfic #kpop imagines #stray kids #skz x reader #stray kids x poc reader #skz chan #bang chan x poc reader #skz bang chan #stray kids bang chan #bang chan x reader #bang chan #stray kids angst #kpop angst #skz angst #bang chan angst

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that-sarcastic-writer · 1 year

Text

Bad Dreams

Re4R!Leon S. Kennedy X F!Reader

Summary: Leon has really bad nightmares after Spain, so you try to comfort him. This is just pwp

Warnings: explicit sexual content, minors dni, unprotected sex (wrap it before u tap it), p in v, brief fingering, riding, praise kink, slight somnophilia (she was already awake but hella sleepy), creampie, soft!dom leon, Leon has a mouth on him, the s in leon s kennedy stands for slut, leon has unresolved PTSD, language, established relationship, no use of y/n

WC: 2.3k

A/n: yall mfs are probably like but lia can u pls stop with the Leon shit. And my answer is no. I'm gonna write about that man until I get burn out of him. And since DI is coming out in July yall better get used to him. So yeah in the meantime while I finish my actual plot smut leon fics, here's this pwp to keep yall entertained, enjoy :)

Leon Kennedy Masterlist

Ao3 link (but like pls still rb and shit on here thank u)

Gif cred to this tumblr

Reblogs and comments are highly appreciated!

Cold, a cold, gut wrenching chill ran through his entire body. He could feel it. He could feel himself start to lose control of his mind, of his body. He was frozen, stuck in his place. Only her screams drowned the voices. Her screams, they were deafening. Heart-wrenching. He needed to save her. He had to. But he couldn't. He couldn't save her. He couldn't fucking save anyone. Don't fight it. Just give in. Let it take over. Stop fighting. There's nothing to fight for. The screams. The fucking screams..

Leon—!

Leon's eyes shot open, and he sat up just as fast. Panting, chest glistening with sweat and his hair drenched. He blinked a couple of times as if he was trying to figure out if he was still dreaming. It wasn't dark or gloomy, his bedroom wasn't cold. He realized he was in fact in his bedroom, in his apartment, and he was still alive. He took a couple of long but shaky deep breaths as he ran a hand through his hair, moving in out of his face. He looked to his right side— shit.

"Leon..?" You were still half asleep, eyes squinted as you reached out to gently grab his arm, now sitting up as well.

"Sorry. Go back to sleep babe."

"Hey," You said, now a bit more alert as you rubbed your face with one hand, "was it another nightmare?"

A month. It had been a month since he came back from Spain. And almost every fucking night he was waking himself up halfway through the night, and by extension you. He felt bad. But you didn't blame him for it, he couldn't help it. Not that you could actually convince him of it though.

"Yeah." He shook his head dismissively, eyes not meeting yours. "I'm fine."

"Do you think you can go back to sleep?" You asked softly, seeing on the clock next to his side that it was only 3:00 AM.

"Don't think so." He muttered, still not looking at you. His hands were shaking a bit, and his breathing was still uneven, like he was counting his breaths in his head at an unsteady pace. "It's fine. I'm fine."

"Leon…"

"I'm fine." He emphasized, a bit more harshly, hoping you could turn the other way and go back to sleep, to leave him to deal with his own issues. But he could never convince you of that either.

You frowned softly and without saying a single word you scooted closer to him until your chest was pressed to his arm. You left a kiss on his shoulder, and with your hand you turned his face in your direction.

"Baby, it's okay." You soothed softly, bringing your lips to his jaw. As you left kisses up his freshly shaved jaw you could feel the lock in his muscles loosen. "I'm right here. You're safe with me. You're okay."

He breathed unevenly through his nose, eyes shuttering as he turned his head fully, lips crashing against yours. Your soft gasp quickly turned into a satisfied hum. You parted your lips for him as his mouth captured yours, a large hand coming to rest at the back of your neck to bring you closer to him. You were still far too sleepy to match his intensity, but you allowed him to do as he desired. A soft grunt fell from his lips as he squeezed the back of your neck, tongue slipping into your mouth as his other hand irked up your exposed thigh— his old academy t-shirt doing very little to cover your lower half from his prying hand. But you didn't stop him, if anything you parted your thighs with ease. He groaned at this and without hesitation, he threw you over his lap, pulling you to sit on top of him.

"Mmm, you wanna ride me baby?" His tone was low, still slightly raspy from sleep, but he was anything but, he was wide awake, blue eyes big and full of need, desperate, desperate for your comfort and love. You were nodding in an instant. "Yeah? You think you can do that pretty girl?"

"Uh huh." You mumbled as you looked at him through half lidded eyes, not being able to help rubbing yourself against his clothed cock.

He exhaled unevenly through his nose, fingers squeezing your bare thighs as he lifted your hips enough to pull down your panties. He was settling you back on his crotch in an instant and you whined as soon as your clit brushed against the soft material of his boxer briefs. Leon hissed softly, bringing two fingers up to your lips. He raised his eyebrows at you, eyes commanding you without having to say the words. You happily parted your lips and he pushed the two fingers into your mouth. He hummed, watching you intently, lip pulled under his teeth as you coated his fingers with your saliva.

"Mmm yes, good." He hummed as he pulled his fingers from your mouth and instantly pressed his soaked fingers against your clit. He watched with pride as your lips fell open as he spread the wetness over the sensitive bud before he circled them around your entrance. "Fuck, did I tell you how much I missed this pussy? Wanna fuck this pussy so bad baby."

"Oh Leon— yes— please… Mhmm—!" His fingers slipped into your wet core with ease. The way he could so easily manipulate your body into submission, into needing him, it was beyond comprehension. But you didn't need to understand it. You just wanted him to use you for comfort, you wanted to make him forget. "Please Leon. Please let me ride you now."

His response was closer to a guttural groan than to any words, but he happily complied. His fingers left you as he attempted to tug down his boxer briefs, you lazily lifted your hips enough for him to pull out his cock. A heavy sigh left his lips as his cock slapped against his stomach. He reached to grab a hold of your hips, but you placed your hands on his chest and gently made him lie on his back. He looked at you with big eyes, a bit surprised by your eagerness, but fuck he'd be damned if he complained. A soft smirk tugged at his lips as he watched you clumsily and a bit messily position yourself above him, coating his cock in your slick.

"Ah— Shit, c'mon baby. C'mon." He spoke through exhales, trying his best not to force you down on his cock himself. But you were sleepy, so tired but still wanting to please him, you could take your time. And you did a minute or so later, he watched with parted lips as you slowly sank down on his cock until only a little bit was left, but he knew you couldn't fit all of him. "Ohhh yes. Yes good girl. Fuck."

"Oh— mhmm! Fuck Leon." You whimpered, nails digging into his chest as you rocked your hips, eyes already closed as you adjusted to the feeling of him before you were lifting yourself up enough to slam down on his cock, again, and again.

"Oh my sweet girl, you're doing so well," the praise came through a breathy moan, his eyes only half lidded as he watched you bounce on his cock, one hand gripping your hip and his other arm was behind his head. "Mhmm yeah, fuck yourself on my cock baby— ah— yeah, just like that."

You were trying, god you were fucking trying. Fucking yourself on Leon like your life depended on it, your moans almost as pathetic as your attempts at keeping up with the pace you both wanted and needed. Poor thing, you were holding for dear life, body over Leon's, clutching the arm under his head as your hips moved. And Leon? He didn't even look like he was breaking a sweat.

"Ugh— mhm fuck… Leon.." You were whining desperately into Leon's neck, every muscle in your body aching with heat. He could hear the shift in your voice, you weren't just whining, no, you were asking him. "Leon."

"What do you need, baby?" He moved your face from his neck, eyebrows furrowed with concern as he could feel your pace start to slow. "Why'd you stop?"

"'M sorry.. I wanna.." Oh, he got it. You wanted him to do it. A small smirk pulled at his lips. "Can you…"

"Oh pretty girl. Are you tired? I'm sorry baby, I'm sorry I woke you. But don't worry, I'm still gonna fuck you to sleep." He wrapped an arm around your torso, holding you firmly as he sat up. He moved to sit on his knees, your legs tightly wrapped around his waist. He snapped his hips, your body bouncing in his grip. Your face fell into his neck again, crying out when his cock brushed against that sensitive spot inside your walls. "Yeah, right there?"

Again, again, and again. He held you around his hips, making sure you felt each rock of his hips, and every time his cock hit your most sensitive spot.

"Yes! Fuck Leon— oh God— yes, don't stop please!"

You didn't even have to tell him. He'd be damned if he stopped before he could feel the squeeze of your tight walls, before he could hear the lewd sound of his cock slapping against your wet cunt. Never. He'd die first. He held you tight, one arm still firm over your back, pressing your chest against his, while the other hand was deep in your hair, pulling just as hard as you were pulling his.

"Mhmm I wouldn't dream of it, baby. Not gonna stop until you're screaming my name, shaking when you come— ah— can already feel it." He moaned every word, his own need for release slipping. Only you could make him lose control like this, only you could be both his instability and his comfort. It made you want to give in, all of yourself, to him. "Look at you, holding me so tight, taking me so fucking well. God. You're so goddamn perfect— agh—"

"Mmmm please… please Leon, I wanna come." You were whining the words into his neck, nails digging into his back as you held on for dear life, his punishing thrusts not once letting up, only getting you closer to falling apart.

"I'm gonna make you come, don't worry." He breathed out a laugh, lips pressed to your hair as he sneaked a hand between your bodies, slick fingers pressing down on your swollen clit. It didn't take much more for you to fall into a shuddering fit of sobs, nails digging into his shoulder blades and toes curling as your wetness seeped around his cock. "Mhmm yes, fuck yes. Good girl."

He used his other arm to pull your body up as it slouched against his chest. He only chuckled breathlessly as your body gave out on top of him as soon as you orgasm washed over you. He held you firmly as he drilled into you, now chasing his own release. His eyes were screwed shut, blonde hair sticking to his forehead as he pressed his face into your chest, rasped whimpers falling from his lips.

"Ahh— Fuck, your pussy— God— can't get enough of it. I don't ever want to leave this room. You're the only good thing in this fucked up world. The prettiest— mhm fuck." He knew he all he was saying is nonsense, and he knew you weren't fully listening, still half asleep and utterly fucked out, but you were still conscious enough to whimper his name. Like weak praises, weak and pathetic, but fuck, it was the prettiest sound he'll ever hear. "Shit. Fuck. Gonna come baby— ah yes— say my name just like that. Mhmm fuuuck."

Leon held you down on his cock, hips slightly twitching in aftershock as he spilled himself inside you with a guttural moan of your name that almost made you want to come again right then and there. It was silent for a long while as you simply held each other. His face on your chest and yours on top of his mess of bed/sex hair, and he was hugging close, damn near bear hugging you. You didn't want to move him. You knew if there was something he needed in this world was to feel safe. And you would burn the whole world just to give him that.

"Thank you." You finally heard his voice, it was mumble, almost muffled by your (his) t-shirt. You irked up an eyebrow, eyes hooded as you opened them to look at him.

"For what?" You mumbled quietly, sleep and tiredness slowly taking over you again. He lifted his head, there was this tiny smile on his face. He moved you both around until he was laying on his back again and you were laying on his chest, only then he answered.

"For making me feel… safe." He paused for a few seconds before saying the word, and you could hear the lightheartedness in his voice. Like he no longer felt that tug on his chest, or that pull in his head. For now at least. "I'm never going to forget the things that I've seen and done, I might have nightmares for the rest of my fucking life, but… when I'm with you I feel like.. Like I can breathe so.. Thank you."

You rested your hands on his chest as you leaned up enough to press a kiss to his lips. It was slow, gentle and loving. He had only started to learn about those things when he met you.

"I love you Leon." You sighed happily, nuzzling your face into his neck. He hummed softly, inhaling the scent of your hair, the fresh lavender and vanilla comforting him in the best way possible. He pressed a kiss to your hair and closed his eyes.

"I love you. And I don't think you'll ever understand just how much you mean to me."

He had nightmares every night, every night since Raccoon City. But on some nights with you, he would sleep through the night happily.

#leon s kennedy smut #leon s kennedy x reader #leon s kennedy x fem!reader #leon s kennedy x you #leon kennedy smut #leon kennedy x fem reader #leon kennedy x reader #leon kennedy x you

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honeybeefae · 7 months

Text

Past and Present (Eris Vanserra x Reader)

Eris Week Day One: Family

Summary// As you prepare to birth your first child, Eris is taken back to when his mother went into labor with Lucien, especially as the same problem seems to arise. When you reach out your hand for him to stay, will he take it or will he be just like his father?

(The first fic of Eris week is here and I hope you guys love it so much!! It is pretty emotional and shows a softer, tormented side of Eris that I feel we definitely need to see more of in the books!)

@erisweek2023

WARNINGS: Childbirth, Trauma, PTSD, Blood

The contractions were coming in waves as Eris watched you hold onto one of the banisters of the bed, your entire body covered in sweat as you let out another scream of pain. You had been in labor since last night and now that the sun was setting once more, everyone was growing concerned about you and the baby.

“My lord,” One of the healers pulled him aside as your back arched, hand flying to your belly. “My lord, the baby…”

“What about the baby? What is wrong?” He snapped, his nerves on edge as the healer fumbled over his words. “Spit it out. What is wrong?”

“The baby is breech, my lord. He is coming feet first.” The healer explained quickly, dabbing a cloth across his face as Eris glared at him. “We need you to make a decision.”

“It is not his decision to make, it is mine.” You gritted out through your teeth, rocking back and forth as your body began to try and push your child out. The doctor warned you to stop but you couldn’t fight it, every muscle in your abdomen tightening as you looked at your mate, frightened. “Eris, please.”

“Are you asking me to decide between my mate and my child?” Eris whispered, face pale as the healer nodded. As another scream tore from your throat he was suddenly pulled back into a long-forgotten memory, his hands shaking as your body was transformed into his mother's.

“We need to get the High Lord. He has to decide.” The healer mumbled to his assistant as the Lady of Autumn laid on her back, legs spread while guttaral screams tore from her throat. “Hurry, there is no time.”

The healer left the room, poking his head out, only to find a young Eris waiting across the doorway. He immediately stood and walked to the door, palms sweaty. “What is it? Has she given birth?”

“We need your father.” The healer began, voice nervous. “There are complications that-”

Eris jumped when he heard his mother screech in pain, his eyebrows furrowing as he shook his head and tried to get into the room. “My father has left to hunt as he always does. He is not here. What decision needs to be made? Why is my mother not making it?”

“Tradition stands that your father needs to be the one to make the call. How soon can you fetch him?” The assistant pressed, turning when he heard his master calling his name in urgency. “Hurry! The baby is coming!”

“It would take hours. Please, tell me, what is happening?” Eris pleaded, his voice shaking as the assistant looked around for anyone else before sighing and allowing the young man inside. “Mother!”

“Eris,” The Lady of Autumn moaned, her clammy hand reaching out as her body urged her to push. “Eris, the baby…something is wrong-”

“The baby is breech. If it comes down to it, who would your father want to be saved?” The healer bluntly asked, blood staining his hands and forearms. “Who?”

“Should this not be up to my mother? Is this not her body?” Eris asked angrily, holding onto his mother tightly. “It is her decision. Mother, what do you want?”

“It is not-” The healer began but before he could finish the sentence Eris had flames circling his neck, not hot enough to burn but enough to let the man know he had no hesitation in ending his life.

“Do whatever she wants or you will regret it.” Eris threatened, turning to his mom who was watching him with fascination. “Hang on for me. You are so strong.”

She opened her mouth to respond but before she could reply, her eyes rolled into the back of her head and she went limp. Eris started shaking her, screaming her name, but she wouldn’t wake up.

The healer jumped into action while the doors flew open, Beron standing in the doorway in his hunting gear as he asked gruffly, “Well? What is it?”

“The babe has not been born yet, my lord. She is having complications and-” The assistant tried to explain but Eris cut him off, slamming his hand on the bed as he looked at his father.

“She is unresponsive. She is losing too much blood.” He spat through his teeth, turning her face towards him in worry. “She’s not going to make it if they don’t get it out of her.”

Beron took a deep breath, watching the flurry of moments of everyone in the room with disinterest, before turning and walking out the door and down the hall. Despite the chaos going on around him all Eris could hear was his father’s footsteps as he walked away from his mother, leaving her to die without a second thought.

As the healer and assistant were finally able to save his mother and deliver the baby, “Lucien” his mother had whispered when she finally came to, Eris swore that he would never, ever become his father.

“My lord?” The healer repeated, Eris blinking rapidly as he was brought back to the present. He turned to look at you, at your large, round belly, and finally at the blood that was dripping onto the floor as you squatted down and wailed.

“You will save both of them or I will have your head. Do you understand?” Eris said quietly, his voice dripping with venom as the man’s face paled and he swallowed thickly. He didn’t wait for a reply before rushing to your side and cupping your face, pressing your forehead against his own as he closed his eyes and breathed.

“I know you’re scared and I know you’re tired, my love. You have been so strong and I just need you to hold on a little longer, okay?” Eris cooed into your ear, wincing as you gripped painfully on his upper arm as the healer instructed you to finally push. “You are an amazing woman and although our child seems to have my stubbornness, I know everything will be alright.”

“Do you promise?” You pleaded, cheeks puffing out as you prepared to push again. “Do you promise everything will be okay?”

“I promise.” He nodded, kissing your cheek before taking your hand and looking to the doctor. “Now push.”

\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

“Twins,” You whispered incredosouly as you held them both in your arms, the pillows soft against your back while you rested for the first time in days. “I can’t believe we had twins.”

“We still have to name them…” Eris smiled as he crawled in beside you, careful not to jostle the bed too much as he rested his cheek on the top of your head.

“I’ve already named them.” You smiled sheepishly, turning to the gaze at their sleeping faces. “Say hello to Sienna and Arista.”

“Sienna and Arista,” He hummed, pretending to be in deep thought while you rolled your eyes. “I love it. I love you.”

“I love you too.” You said softly, turning your face to kiss him and basking in the safe haven of your family of four. Eris wrapped his arms around the three of you, squeezing you for a moment before bending down to kiss each of their heads.

“I love you all too.”

#acotar #acotar reader #eris week 2023 #erisweek2023 #eris x reader #eris acotar #eris #eris acotar fic #eris x reader acotar #eris vanserra #eris vanserra x reader #eris vanserra x reader acotar #eris fic #eris imagine #acotar fic #acotar fic reader #acotar fanfiction

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mostlymarvelsstuff · 5 months

Text

To Call You Mine, Drabble #2: Trauma

Authors note: Takes place after Drabble #1, but before Ch 10

Summary: Nat has a hard day after you're called into work on your day off by Tony. And you are reminded of the hurt and pain Bruce inflicted upon your beautiful Omega.

Warnings: talk of past domestic violence/assault, ptsd

Word count: 3776

Nat Masterlist Marvel Masterlist TCYM Masterlist

Natasha jolts awake to the sound of your phone ringing and not realizing that it has already awoken her, you quickly toss the covers aside and walk a fair distance away before groggily answering.

“Hello?.....Okay…..Yeah, I can be there…..See you soon”

You turn around with the intent to wake your mate and explain what was going on only to find her already starting to sit up with her sleep filled eyes staring at you. You sigh, regretting that your pregnant Omega was now awake so early due to your phone.

“I’m sorry, my love” you apologize, sitting down on her nest again

She does her best to steady her heart rate and breathing before speaking, “What- what's going on?”

“That was Tony. Unfortunately one of the security guards that was scheduled to be in today has had a major family emergency, and I’m the only one that answered his call, so it looks like I’ll be heading into work today”

“Oh…okay”

You immediately pick up on her unease, which was likely due to the fact that you hadn’t had to go into Stark Industries for a full day of work since her pregnancy. And even before that you’d never had to go in on such a short notice, which gave her time to make plans with the likes of: Yelena, Clint, Wanda or Carol.

“Omega, are you okay?” you ask, worried she’ll be upset at your departure

“Yes, I just…I’m not used to being alone. I’m sorry.”

“Hey, it's ok love.” you soothe, cupping her face, “I'm sorry I have to go in, you know I’d rather be here with you. But we can video chat on my lunch break, ok?”

“Okay, thank you Alpha”

“Of course” you say with a nod before leaning in to kiss her temple, “Now I need to get ready. I’ll wake you to say goodbye if you fall back asleep”

“Okay” she answers, though she knows the likelihood of that happening is low as she’ll be too anxious thinking about the possibilities of what she’ll do without you and any friends for the day

Sure enough, when you get out of your very fast shower ten minutes later she is still wide awake and staring at the ceiling. Your heart aches at the scene, but unfortunately you don’t have the time to dwell on it as you need to get dressed. You head to the closet and get your black suit, white dress shirt and black tie out. You grab a pair of boxers and slide them on before putting the rest of your attire on.

As you take a seat on the side of your bed to slide on your shoes she gets up from the nest and makes her way over to sit next to you. She leans her head against your shoulder and lets out a sigh, as she's not quite ready to without your presence. You pause what you're doing and wrap an arm around her waist to hold her even closer. She takes this gesture a step farther by wrapping her arms around your neck as she buries her face against your collarbone.

Your hold on her tightens a bit as you rub soothing circles into her back, “Do you want me to try calling anyone? That way you don’t have to be alone?”

She shakes her head, “No, don’t wanna bother anyone. I’ll be ok, I’ll just miss you.”

“I’ll miss you too, detka(baby)” you assure her, kissing the top of her head

She kisses your neck in return before pulling away to kiss you properly. She smiles against your lips when she feels your hand reach down to caress her belly, and she wonders if you even realize you do that now. Maybe it’s something you do due to a subconscious protective instinct, or maybe you actively do it as a form of comfort for the both of you. Whatever the cause, she enjoys the extra bit of affection.

“I love you”

“I love you too, Y/n” she responds, tightening her hold on you for a bit before finally letting go, “Drive safe”

“I will. Try and head back to bed for a bit, okay? It's still early”

She nods and watches you head out of the bedroom before she climbs back into her nest. She waits to hear the door that leads to the garage close before allowing herself to curl up under the covers once more. She's unsure how much rest she’ll manage to get without you beside her, but the knowledge that the sun hasn’t even begun to peak over the horizon tells her that she at least needs to try.

At some point she had been able to drift back asleep, as she's now awoken to see the sunlight spilling through the gaps in the blinds accompanied by the gentle coos of her pup coming through the monitor.

Gently rubbing the swell of her belly she speaks softly to her unborn pup, “We better get up, your brother must be hungry”

She lazily stretches before getting out of her nest to head up to Dimas room. But as she starts to walk up the stairs, she becomes aware of the familiar feeling of anxiety bubbling in her chest. She feels a bit silly, because there wasn’t a reason for it. This is her home, and she was safe here, as are her pups. And she's a grown Omega, therefore she's capable of being without her Alpha for a few hours. Besides, Bruce didn’t want pups to raise them, but as a form of control so she was usually left to her own devices anyway. So what was the difference? She's used to this, she’ll be fine.

As she enters her pups room a soft smile takes over her features and his excited noises momentarily take her mind off of her anxious thoughts. She heads over to his nest and picks him up and places a kiss on one of his chubby little cheeks as takes him over to his changing table.

“Good morning malen'kiy(little one)” she coos as she undresses him and begins to change his diaper, “Mama had to work, so it’s just the two of us today”

A soft little meow from the doorway reminds Nat that her statement is actually wrong, and she looks over apologetically to the kitten that is strutting into the room

“Sorry Liho. It's the three of us”

After changing her pups diaper and putting him in a suitable outfit, she takes him downstairs for breakfast. She doesn't plan on making anything too extravagant, just some scrambled eggs with ham chunks for Dima and an omelet for herself.

Normally when cooking she lets him play in the living room, in his bouncer or playpen while the tv plays one of his shows. But today, for some strange reason, she just doesn’t feel good about that. So instead she sets him up in his highchair at the table instead and sets up her phone so he can watch something while she cooks.

After she's fed him, and herself, she heads into the living room where she settles down on the sofa. She scrolls through the guide until she finds a show to watch and then she leans back and allows her boy to suckle. Once he's gotten his fill of her milk she sets him down in his playpen with a few of his toys with the intent to let herself relax, but she just can’t seem to.

She feels a bit restless, and there's a nagging in the back of her mind that just keeps repeating that she needs to keep an eye on Dima. So, being one to not ignore any of her instincts, she listens. She settles down on the floor next to the pups playpen to ensure she's within arms reach should anything occur, and she allows her show to become mere background noise as she starts to play with him.

After a while Dimas interest shifts from playing with his toys to the tv, so Nat reluctantly stands and moves back over to the couch to grab the remote. She switches the channel to some cartoons for him, not like she’d been paying attention to what she’d put on for herself anyway, and decides to try and relax a bit. She's not usually so on guard, and she's wondering if it might be something new her pregnancy hormones have brought on. She knows its normal to be more protective and possessive while with pup, but- THUMP

Her head immediately swivels in the direction of the sudden noise, and she's almost certain she can feel her heart beating through her ribcage. She waits a moment, straining her ears to pick up any other sounds that could be perceived as out of the norm, but she doesn’t hear anything more. She quickly grabs her phone and opens up Carol's contact before she rises to her feet and quietly makes her way in the direction she believes the noise came from.

When she gets closer to your home office she spots the perpetrator, Liho, who is perched atop your large bookshelf. Undoubtedly it hitting the wall as she jumped up there is what caused the earlier sound. But this fact does little to calm the Omega. Her pulse is still racing as she turns to head back to the living room, and when she realizes she can no longer hear her pup from her current location, she practically sprints back.

She pockets her phone and rushes to him, carefully picking him up to assess him. He smiles wide and excitedly kicks his feet upon seeing his Mama, and she lets out a sigh of relief. She keeps him in her arms as she sits back down on the sofa, and tries her best to become calm again. Or at least, as calm as she had been before Liho made her mind and heart race.

He’s okay. She internally assures herself, cupping his chubby little cheek in her hand. She then moves that same hand to her bump and gently caresses it. We’re okay. She takes a deep breath in an attempt to help herself calm down and after a while it seems to have worked. True she's still on edge, but the feeling of dread is back to the level it had been earlier when she awoke.

Despite having to take care of and entertain Dima, the next few hours had gone by incredibly slowly for your mate. She's sure this had to do with how much she missed your presence along with the anxiety that's still simmering in the back of her brain, and she finds herself wishing that you’d only had to work half a day today. Still, she's at least thankful that you’ll be able to call her on your lunch break. Which should be any second now.

As if on queue her phone rings and the quickly mutes the tv before answering, “Hi, my love”

“Hi detka(baby)” you greet, smiling as her face takes up your phone screen, you missed her more than you expected to. But you had a feeling she was feeling the same, “Everything going alright at home?”

She had debated on telling you the truth of how poorly she was handling her anxiety today, but as soon as she saw your face on her screen she decided against it. She could already see you were stressed, the furrow between your brows and the tightness of the muscles in your neck showed her that much. And the last thing she wanted to do was add to that by causing you to worry about her.

“Lihos been a bit mischievous today, but were doing good”

“I’m glad to hear that” you admit, and Natasha watches as your shoulders relax, in turn causing her to relax a bit. “You had something for breakfast, right?”

She nods, “Yes, of course. I made an omelet for myself while I mad Dimas eggs and ham”

“Good. You'll be happy to know that I grabbed myself a breakfast sandwich from the corner bakery on the way into work”

She smiles, knowing how hard it was for you to remember to eat something when you were up so early, “Did you get sausage or bacon on it?”

“Both” you answer, causing her to chuckle, “Any plans for lunch?”

��She's about to respond, but she is cut off by a rather incessant knocking that she can only assume is coming from your office door. Your jaw tightens as you look over in the direction of your door and she can clearly tell this interruption has frustrated you.

“One second love” you tell her, setting the phone down to go and deal with whoever it was. She can’t help but fidget while you're away, her mind busy with thoughts of how to help soothe you once you return home to her. She's so lost in these thoughts that you had to call her name a few times to regain your attention.

“Are you sure you're alright, my Omega?” you ask, a hint of worry evident in your tone

She swallows the lump of truth in her throat that's threatening to surface, “Yes Alpha, just got distracted checking on Dima, that's all.”

You nod, “Well, thankfully that was just Happy with my lunch. Tony ordered me my favorite since I had to come in today”

“That was nice of him” she says, glad that you could at least enjoy that if nothing else today

“Mhm” you agree, unwrapping your sandwich, “What will you two be having?”

“I haven’t decided yet” she answers. Because truthfully shed been too excited to hear from you on your break to focus on anything else lunch related

You smile at that, causing her to look at you quizzically, “Well, good. Because I ordered the two of you something. It should be there by the time we have to hang up”

“Y/n, you didn’t have to do that”

You wave her off, “Nat, baby, your at home taking care of our pup while with pup. The least I could do is provide you both with a meal so you don’t have to cook. Besides, Tony offered to buy”

She smiles at both your bosses generosity and yours, “Well thank you Alpha, and be sure to thank Tony for me too”

“I will. Now I should go so I don’t have to inhale everything before I’m back on shift” you joke, but she can tell by the slight downturn of your lips that you didn’t truly want to go

“Alright, I love you”

“I love you too, Natty.” you respond, blowing her a kiss in order to see her smile again, “I’ll see you in a few hours”

She lets out a sigh after hanging up with you. In her current headspace, a few hours was likely to feel more like an eternity. But at least she didn’t have to worry about lunch now. And true to your word, a knock sounds at the door then. She answers it and retrieves the food, setting it at the table before bringing Dima into the dining room too. She opens the bags to find its all from her favorite Italian place and that you had gotten her several different dishes to ensure that she could have a bit of everything now and still have some for later cravings. If this didn’t improve her mood she didn’t know what would.

You sigh as you finally pull into the driveway, a bit more tired than usual due to last night's troublesome sleep and the emergency shift that you’d been called into this morning. It definitely took a toll on you that no cups of coffee had been able to fix, and you couldn’t wait to just get inside to see your pup and Omega.

You stretch after getting out of the car and then make your way into the house, doing your best to not trip over Liho as she excitedly circles your feet. You bend down to pet her a few times before gently shooing her further into the house. You were happy to see her, but you really wanted to see your Omega. And Dima too of course.

When you enter the kitchen, you see her. Her back is to you as she stands at the sink, apparently doing a few dishes while Dima sits in his bouncer that's been moved to the dining room so she can still keep an eye on him. Now that you're here with them again, you can finally feel yourself relax. Knowing they had been alone here today had your protective instincts going into overdrive at work. You’d nearly pelted the Beta that got too close to Pepper and Morgan as he walked past you all in the hallway, and they weren’t even yours

“God I missed you” you breathe out, cutting through the peaceful silence with an innocent declaration of affection you hope will warm your mates heart

But instead you only succeed in startling her. You watch her body jolt as she spins around to face you, sending the mug that had been in her hands spiraling down to the tile floor below. The sound of it shattering has her eyes widening even more than they had been and this was her anxieties final straw. She couldn’t upset you, she just couldn’t. You’d had such a long day full of stress and you had still managed to care for her and Dima. And here she was greeting you by causing a scene and a mess. She couldn’t bear it if you looked at her in disappointment, or worse if you verbally told her of your disdain for her actions. She had to make this right.

You feel immediate guilt wash over you upon realizing just how badly you must have startled her to cause such a reaction, but before you can even begin to apologize, and to your abject horror she immediately drops down to her knees in front of the debris

“Natasha!”

“I’m sorry Alpha, I’m so sorry!” she apologizes, not realizing you had been shouting because she was now picking the broken pieces up with her hands and not because she broke it in the first place, “Please don’t be mad!”

Her pleading has your heart aching in you chest, and you try your best to approach her in a way that doesn’t further trigger her, “Omega- ”

“Please!” she stresses, bottom lip trembling, “It was an accident, I promise it won’t happen again!”

You kneel beside her and grab her wrists, forcing her to drop the broken pieces that are now stained with blood from fresh cuts that litter her hands. She prepares herself to be berated, but instead is met with your warm embrace as you pull her against you.

“I didn't mean to, I'm sorry Alpha. I'm sorry”

“Shhh, it's alright Natty. It was an accident. I'm not mad. You're not in trouble” you assure her, nuzzling into her scent gland

“I- I’m not?”

Her confusion pains you, and in that moment you want nothing more than to roast Bruce over a pit of hot coals, “No baby, you're not. You're not in trouble. You're safe here, remember?”

Her brain finally begins to clear, and a guttural sob leaves her as she realizes the truth in your words. You weren’t like Bruce, and you never would be. You were Y/n, her amazingly kind Alpha.

“I’m sorry” she whimpers, turning to bury her face against your chest “I didn’t mean to react like you were him. I know you're not. I know”

You hold her even tighter, “It’s okay Omega. Sometimes, you can’t help these things. Certain things are going to cause this type of reaction, and though it saddens me to see you like this, I will never take it personally”

You continue to hold her as she cries, offering her nothing but soothing touches and gentle words. Once she seems to have calmed down, you stand with her, and look over to see that despite everything Dima is still happy to be playing in his bouncer. Content with this you scoop your Omega up in your arms and carefully place her on the counter next to the sink.

She watches as you turn on the water, letting it get warm as you find the bandages and antibacterial cream you keep out here in case of emergencies. You reach a finger in to feel the water, and content with it you take her hands in yours and help her clean the wounds. Satisfied with how they look now you apply a bit of cream to each of them before placing a bandaid over them and then you gently kiss her hands before helping her down

“Go get comfortable in the living room baby. I’ll sweep this up and bring Dima in”

She looks at you, guilt still evident on her features, “But- ”

“No buts” you tell her, leaning in to place a soft kiss against her lips, “Go on now, I’ll only be a moment”

“Okay”

Sure enough, it hadn’t taken you long at all and she smiled as you and her pup entered the room. You kiss his cheeks a few times before placing him down in his playpen and then you sit down next to your mate.

“Come here” you mumble as you wrap your arms around her, pulling her into your lap

She practically melts into your embrace as your scent surrounds her, bringing her an easy sense of comfort and security, allowing her to finally begin to truly feel at ease. You place gentle kisses against her collarbone and cheek as you hold her,

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you I was having a hard day. I just knew you were too, and I didn’t want to make things worse for you”

“You could never make things worse for me, Omega” you tell her, cupping her face gently, “I’m just sorry I wasn’t here today to help you through it.”

She shakes her head, “You were when I needed you most, and you took care of me. Thank you, Alpha”

“I’ll always take care of you, you don’t ever have to thank me for that”

“I know I don’t have to” she admits, nuzzling against your chest, “But you deserve to know how grateful I am for everything you do. I love you, Y/n.”

“I love you too, Natty” you reply, squeezing her affectionately before moving one of your hands to her stomach, “Everything gonna be okay”

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#natasha romanoff #natasha romanoff x reader #natasha x y/n #natasha x reader #omega!natasha romanoff #omega!nat #marvel #fanfic #marvel fanfiction #a/b/o fanfic #a/b/o fic #a/b/o universe #a/b/o dynamics #a/b/o

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yelenasdiary · 2 months

Note

Uh,,(is this the correcct way?) i dont know how to make requests, but since urs are opened,

Can u make wandanat or katelena with gn!reader who's been in hydra/redroom for most off her life, and they just go on a date together on valentines and explain to her what valentines is?

thank you!

-confused anon

Love Letters

Pairing: Bishlova x GN! Reader

Summary: Kate and Yelena give you your first real Valentines

Fluff, Pinch of Angst

Translations: Detka (baby),

Warnings: Mentions of Hydra, Reader’s PTSD, Torture & Murder | 1.9K

AC: Thank you for sending me this, I went with Bishlova for something different! I hope you enjoy this xx

Cupid's Dream Masterlist

“Kate Bishop, what are you up too?” Yelena asked with a curious frown as Kate was quick to hide whatever she was doing behind her back. Kate shook her head endlessly, “n-nothing. I was just making some lunch” explained, causing Yelena to cock a brow. “You don’t cook” Yelena replied.

Kate gave up instantly and moved slightly to the right, “I brought some cookies and was just decorating them” she paused, “because you know, it’s Valentines and I thought we could do something special for Y/n” she added as Yelena wandered over to the countertop. Yelena looked up at Kate, “I know you said they might not be up for it, which is why I didn’t do my usual thing, but I want to show them how much they mean to me” Kate rambled on. Yelena placed her hands on the brunette’s hips and pulled her closer.

“Kate Bishop, you’re too kind for your own good. I knew you weren’t going to listen to me so I spoke with them and they’re just having a shower then you can give them your cookies” Yelena explained before kissing Kate softly. The archer’s cheeks turned red; she was never one to hide her blushes. “Thank you” Kate spoke softly.

As bathroom filled up with steam and the warm water ran down your body, your mind couldn’t escape the thoughts of how different your life has been since The Young Avengers rescued you from an underground Hydra base. It’s been a little over four years, but you still deal with a lot of mental health issues from your imprisonment at Hydra. You’ve had a lot of support from Kate’s team, Yelena, and the now semi-retired Avengers. You’ve overcome a lot of bumps in the road but now you have this very different and much more normal lifestyle it takes you a little extra time to adjust.

Holidays are the hardest, especially when people like to bring up their memories from the previous years while your previous year memories involve torture, pain, and murder. Even though you’ve had some time to enjoy these holidays to make new, fun memories but it was never easy. Today being Valentine’s Day, you felt a little pressure to join in whatever plans your girlfriends had made. Last year you simply just weren’t up for anything and they both respected that and let you do your own thing, Kate of course still made sure to tell you how much you mean to her. You couldn’t help by wonder why Kate and Yelena had such a profound love for you as you only ever thought of yourself as damaged goods.

You turned the shower off and began to get dressed for the day, Kate was still decorating the Valentine’s themed cookies while Yelena was giving Fanny and Lucky their daily training session. You wore black jeans, your favourite boots and one of your comfort tees before you made your way into the kitchen of the shared apartment.

“Happy Valentines!!” Kate smiled the moment she saw you. She grabbed the plate of cookies and wandered over to you, placing a kiss on your cheek. “I made these for you” she added happily.

“Thank you, they look really good darling, happy Valentines” you replied with a smile, “I’ll have some after lunch” you added.

“Sure thing love” Kate said before she placed the cookies back on the countertop.

Yelena entered the kitchen with both dogs following behind her, “Happy Valentines detka” she said with a soft smile. You returned the smile, “Happy Valentines love” you replied. You didn’t quite understand Valentine’s Day, you thought it was just an excuse for people to spend more money on gifts or just another day for people to think about other than their day-to-day life.

“So, I have something planned for us to do tonight, if you’re up for it of course and it’s okay if you’re not but” Kate paused before she rushed to the dining table to return with two envelopes in hand, “please read this and then you can decide if you want to do something or not” she went on, handing you the envelops. You were a little confused, but you smiled softly, “do you want me to read these now?” you asked, unsure when you were supposed to read them.

“Yeah” Yelena nodded, “Kate and I are going to go out for an hour to give you the time to read them, if you need us, text us and we will come straight home” she added while Kate threw on her coat. You watched as your girlfriends took the dogs and walked out the door, leaving you in complete silence as you sat down on the sofa. Each envelop at your name on them, and you were able to tell whose letter was who’s by their handwriting. You started with Kate’s letter.

“Dearest Y/n,

Where do I start? There are so many things I want to say but Yelena told me to do my best not to overwhelm you with my feelings. So, if I do overwhelm you, I apologise.

From the moment I saw you, I knew there was something different about you. I can’t imagine the things you’d been going through before we found you that day but when I saw the look in your beautiful eyes, I promised myself in that moment that I would never let anything bad happen to you again and that I would do everything in my power to make you see you are much, much more than just an experiment.

I know you never had a great start to life and if I could change the past, I would do so in a heartbeat!

Okay, Yelena was just reading this over my shoulder, so I am going to get to the point…

I want to show you every single day how much I adore you, how much I love seeing you smile, the sparkle in your eyes when your laughing, God, your laugh is magical! It makes everybody around you join in. I know you think Valentines is a bit of an unnecessary day and I totally see why you think that but, hear me out. It’s really just an excuse for me to give you as many gifts as I like, to buy store brought cookies and decorate them and we all act like I baked them and of course, for me to make you smile. I want everybody to see the person who makes me giggle and happy, I want people to see the smile that I fell in love with.

Please join us to spoil you with love today, I promise I didn’t go overboard.

With all my love,

Kate xoxoxoxo”

You finished Kate’s letter with a chuckle, it was very Kate and you loved that. Next was Yelena’s letter and for some reason you felt a little more nervous to open hers.

“Detka,

I am sure Kate has done most then woo you with her letter, I hope she didn’t ramble too much! But I know whatever she said in her letter, she is right.

You and I come from such different backgrounds to her. When I first met her, I didn’t understand why all the little things mattered so much. You and I, although come from different situations, we share the same mindset. We were weapons, nothing mattered to us but the target. Christmas and Thanksgiving for me was all fake, a set up for some photos and for a moment to think that things were different but the next day I was back to training.

Kate, she loves all these little days and between you and I, she’s made me love them too. It’s easier said than done but we can’t let them have any power over us anymore detka. You are allowed to be happy; you are allowed to enjoy little things; you are allowed to love the things you love and dislike the things you dislike. You can wake up at 3 in the afternoon and that’s okay.

The point is, it’s okay. You’re okay. Maybe not fantastic or as happy as you want but to me and to Kate, you are perfect.

We love you detka and there’s nobody else we would want to do this life thing with. It’s you detka, you make us better, stronger and no words will every explain just how much you mean to us. So, join us tonight or don’t, we will never hold be mad at you for doing what you need to do in the moment. You have the power now darling, you always had.

Love,

Yelena x”

Tears streamed down your cheeks as you folded Yelena’s letter and placed it on the coffee table. You smiled softly to yourself as you reached for your phone. Your girlfriends’ words floated around in your mind as your thumb hovered over Kate’s phone number, your heart felt full, full of love that you wanted to share with them so instead of calling Kate, you called Wanda for a little help.

----

“Thank you for help Wands, I am so sorry I had to drag you away from Nat” you smiled at Wanda as you walked her to the door. “Don’t stress honey, they are going to love it” Wanda replied, “if you need anything, you know you can always reach out” she added.

“I will, thank you. Happy Valentines” you replied.

Once Wanda left, you double check to make sure everything was perfect before you called Kate. It was very handy that Wanda could pull anything from her magic, the apartment was littered with pink and purple rose petals, candles lit up the apartment while the freshly made pizza was sitting in the centre of the dining table just waiting to be ripped into.

“Kate, I’m ready, I would love to do something with you and Yelena” you smiled to yourself as Kate answered the phone. “We’ll be back in 10! Get ready, I have something special planned!” Kate replied before hanging up.

It was the longest 10 minutes of your life, your palms began to sweat, your mind racing in hopes that you didn’t go overboard with this little surprise and that Kate wouldn’t be disappointed.

Your heart skipped a beat when you heard the door open, you stood at the end of the small hall with two roses and a welcoming, warm smile. “Bab-“ Kate paused the moment she saw you, “we’re home” she added slowly.

“I know you’ve made plans and we can do them, I just” you paused as you took a few steps closer to your girlfriends, closing the gap distance between you all, “I just want you both to know how much those letters mean to me and I am really sorry that I’ve been so closed minded to days like these, I love you both so, so much” you went on, handing them a rose each.

“To hell with my plans, this is perfect” Kate said, smelling her rose and embracing you in a tight hug. Yelena smiled lovingly you before Kate pulled back only to kiss you deeply. Your hands landed on her hips, pulling her closer to you to deepen the kiss.

“I’m proud of you” Yelena mouthed as you and Kate pulled away for air. You smiled softly at her, “we shouldn’t let the pizza get cold” you said.

“You got pizza?! This is the best Valentine’s Day ever!!” Kate said before making her way into the dining room. “There’s almost mac n cheese” you said as Yelena gently pulled you close to her, “You’re amazing, don’t ever forget that” she said before kissing you deeply.

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