#this is my first shot as alina so bear with me | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

clairecrive · 3 years

Note

hi! I just recently found your account and I've been spending all my time reading everything you've written, and I wanted to tell you that I absolutely adore your writing! it's so beautiful.

I also wanted to request a friends to lovers nikolai x reader fic (you don't have to make it friends to lovers if you don't want to!) something along the lines of this: they get seperated after the battle with the darkling at the end of siege and storm and reader has to go with alina but they finally reunite? and everyone is super smug because they knew it would happen.

sorry for such a long ask and no worries if you decide not to do it! I hope you're doing well!!

Fools, pistols blazing and shock

A/n: a promise is a promise and the second most requested fic was Nikolai and angst and so here it is! friends to lovers is not my favorite trope but I enjoyed writing this. I hope you will too x

Thank you so much for your beautiful words btw, they mean the world <3<3

tags: @jupiterandbutterflies , @agentsofsheilds , @for-bebbanburg , @randomoutsiders , @hannaxmaria , @vintagebitc , @story-scribbler , @crowssixof , @odetostep , @lizzie-he4rts , @korol-lantsov , @subjecta13-thefangirl ,@gallysonegoodlung , @a-c-lee , @mriddlemethis , @carnationworld , @thanossexual , @luvxginger , @sanna2020 , @partiesandblurrypolaroids , @edithsvoice , @wafflesandschemingfaces , @snugleo , @sugarmelonwater , @dobwhore, @sassybadqueen , @anything-forourmoony, @snokoi, @imaginingimagines, @vintagebitc_,

SHADOW AND BONE MASTERLIST

"So," he twirled around, "how do I look?" With a theatrical gesture, he stopped in front of you.

You looked at him, head to toe, before saying, "Like a fool I know."

He was imperturbable, by the smirk on his face one would think that you had paid him a compliment. "The answer was far simpler: handsome."

"You look like a prince," you conceded, " but so does your brother so take that as you will." And with that, you walked to your assigned post leaving a scandalized Nikolai behind.

The dinner went by smoothly even if you had to bear Vasily being his annoying self. So far so good. The important thing was that the people around the table were under no threat. The rest was bearable.

And no, it had nothing to do with Nikolai winking at you from time to time. Flirting was second nature to him and Alina's presence by his side was a cold reminder of how things were.

It took one look at her for your face to go as blank as Mal's on the other side of the room.

You had disconnected from the conversation at the table for a second, your attention going to the exit where a Grisha soldier had just walked in to talk to Zoya. If you had been paying attention to Nikolai, you would have known what to expect.

But you hadn't and so the next few seconds were pure chaos.

The unthinkable happened.

Black shadows filled the room, leaving no chance to the people they had appeared before. The Queen's scream brought your attention back to the table and consequently to the Vasily. Or rather, to what was left of him.

Beside him, the kind had crouched down to hide and was cowering behind the throne. The Queen clutched her son's body to her chest wailing and screaming. Then your eyes fell on him, standing tall in front of his parents shooting away.

You didn't know what you were going to do. You didn't think. You just acted and the next thing you knew, you were running towards him shooting fire at whatever tendrils of shadows you could see.

"Nikolai!"

In a moment, you reached his side, covering his back for every possible attack.

"You need to go," you urged him over the sounds of crying and shooting. A shot of light filled the room blinking you for a moment and panic shot through you at the possibility of Alina being hurt.

"Take your parents and Alina and go Nikolai. You can't stay here!" You insisted again, still back to back, unwilling to let anything happen to him. If he meant to argue you didn't know. You heard him speak but his words went unheard over the chaos in the room.

You turned around just in time to see one of those things trying to make their way to him. The tendrils of fire that shot through you slowed it down but it was only a shot of wind coming from a squaller that did the trick and sent it away.

Nodding in the squaller's direction you took Nikolai's shoulders and turned him towards the secret exit behind the throne.

"Stop playing hero and just go for Saint's sake!" Under normal circumstances, he was stronger than you. And well, he still was but too busy worrying about getting his family to safety and covering your back, he ended up succumbing to your shoves.

"I can't leave you here!"

"You can and you surely will! I'll make sure that Alina is safe," ushering him and his parents towards the exit, you didn't give him time to argue. Once they were through the door, you closed it behind them and melted the lock.

You allowed yourself only a moment to worry about him, to mourn him if things were to go downhill for you. Only a second for you to mourn the future that you knew you were never going to get with him.

Then it was over. Your heart locked away and your mind focused solely on the battle ahead. You needed to make sure that Alina was alive and get her to safety whilst also trying to save as many as you could along the way.

A piece of cake.

*+*+*+*+*+*

You knew that he had made it out of Os Alta alive. You had gotten word that he had arrived safe and sound to one of his hiding spots scattered around the country.

Alina and a group of other Grisha, including yourself, had managed to make it out alive out of the capital as well.

All was as well as it could be under these gloomy circumstances. And yet, you couldn't help but feel like you had lost.

Too many had fallen under the Darkling's wrath. Too many had given up their lives in honor of Ravka's freedom. Too many sacrifices for you all to be hiding in the tunnels like scared cats.

But you had a plan. You just needed to be in the same room as Alina, all of you at once, and you were going to make your way up.

It was only a matter of time before you were going to see him again.

*+*+*+*+*+*

It turned out that you were right. It was a matter of time indeed before you saw Nikolai again.

As always, he couldn't help but make a grand entrance while praising his good looks. For once, your eyes didn't roll in mock annoyance. The joy of seeing him again, safe and sound while also saving your asses, prevailed.

And the moment his eyes met yours? Priceless.

Despite being in the middle of running away and fighting the first army's soldiers, you felt like there was only the two of you. Nothing mattered besides Nikolai, his stupid smirk that shone brighter than all the stars combined.

It turned out that that moment came with a price indeed. Your distraction paved the way for an almost fatal mistake.

Too lost in Nikolai's eyes and restraining yourself from throwing yourself at him, you didn't notice the soldier sneaking up behind him. Or well, you didn't until it was too late.

The movement caught your eyes, but the bastard had his pistol already drawn. You had the presence of the spirit of pushing Nikolai out of the way before a shot was fired.

Focusing on the bullet you tried all your might to melt it, but you knew it was a desperate attempt since you had noticed it too late. Trying and losing was better than not trying at all so trying you did.

However, what turned out to be life-saving was Nikolai's counterattack. While you exercised the small science, Nikolai quickly drew his own pistol and shoot at the soldier.

Time seemed to slow down as you stared in front of him, hands in the air while Nikolai moved behind you. Right before your brain registered that while you had indeed managed to burn the bullet, it was still coming your way at high speed, another object entered your field vision.

At that moment you didn't exactly decipher what had happened, you blinked and the bullet was not there anymore. However, your stupor was short-lived as other soldiers were coming your way after hearing the noise.

At that point, Nikolai tugged you away and towards his awaiting ship knowing that the soldiers would surely outnumber you.

It all happened in a blink. One moment you were on the ground hellbent on not dying, and the other you were up in the air.

That, combined with the stress of the last couple of weeks. exhaustion and dehydration put you in a state of shock. Resulting in you staring numbly ahead of you.

Then, when you felt a hand on your face, your brain started working again and your eyes slowly began to focus.

"Are you injured?"

Nikolai was moving your head left and right to check for wounds and after that, he moved down on your neck and vital points. But you weren't hurt.

"It's so typically you to swoop in and save the day in the most dramatic way possible that I shouldn't even be surprised."

Your sarcasm reassured him that you were fine more than the absence of physical wounds. Leaning back on his haunches, he gave you a lazy smirk. "You know me, always read to save damsels in distress."

You almost hated how handsome he looked in that moment but the fact that he basically had saved your life made it really hard for you to get mad at him.

"Not a damsel and not in distress but I appreciated your gesture," you fired back falling naturally into your usual easy banter. "Thank you, Kolya."

"You shouldn't be thanking me. I did it for a whole selfish reason." His features morphed into seriousness which was usually something he left for meetings or that kind of stuff. Seeing it now directed at you, seriously worried you.

"Since when does Nikolai Lanstov shy away from gratefulness and compliments?" You tried to jest but to no avail.

"I'm serious."

"Alright, so why did you do it? You have tons of other Grisha available."

"Because a world without you is not a world I want to live in."

Well, damn. Trust Nikolai to make you completely speechless.

"That must be the shock talking," you murmured still taken back by his words.

"I've almost lost you, y/n, I'm not going to waste any more time avoiding my feelings." Crossing his arms on his chest, Nikolai lightly shook his head. Damn, there was no smirk on his face, no twinkle in his eyes. He must be serious.

"I should be having an epiphany moment since I was the one who almost died," you protested.

"Feel free to declare your undying love for me then."

"Ass. Now I'm tempted not to do it just to prove you wrong," you glared at him but sighed knowing what you needed to do. "But, as much as it pains me, you're right."

Your eyes flickered between yours and the sheer intensity of them gave you enough confidence to bear your heart to him, "I do love you, you know."

"Well, let's be honest, who wouldn't. I'm amazing," with a careless shrug, Nikolai gestured to himself. Which, of course, made you glare at him.

"Joking, I take it back. You're insufferable." Your mock-annoyance did nothing but amuse him to no end. However untruthful they might be, Nikolai played along with your words. While also progressively leaning closer to you.

"Nope, can't do that love. You signed your destiny, you're mine." You would have retired, of course you would have, but the truth is, his lips were more interesting than any witty comeback ever could.

#nikolai lanstov #nikolai lantsov x reader #grishaverse #nikolai lantsov imagine #shadow and bone #nikolai lantsov imagines #nikolai lantsov fic #nikolai lantsov fluff #nikolai my love #nikolai lanstov angst

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liberty-barnes · 3 years

Text

My Everything

Kaz Brekker x Reader

Request: I was wondering if you could do something with Kaz and the reader as a sister to Aleksander, and that they are fighting in the fold when Zoya and Alina get them out that the reader jumps off the ship to kill the darkling so that he won't escape, and everyone is sad and standing and waiting, and then she comes limping out from the fold. (If you can, I would love it if she, Alina, and Mal were best friends from before.)

Warnings: mentions of Kaz’s touch aversion, fight scenes (aww my first fight scenes!), description of murder, minor spoilers for SoC (mainly Inej’s knives and that one secret we learn about Jesper), language

Word Count: 4.3k words

Estimated Reading Time: 17 minutes

A/N: I’m gonna be honest, this deserved to be a series and I’m very sad to not have the energy to make it into one but to make up for that, I turned it into a proper one-shot cause screw my sleepover’s rules, I made them anyway, I’ll break them if I want to.

Masterlist | Miah’s Comeback Sleepover

You pawed at the shackles bounding your wrists. You knew you were on a skiff, you could feel its movement. You knew that your brother was somewhere on the upper deck since you could hear his voice, powerful and commanding even this far away. You hated it.

Yet even after decades upon decades spent dealing with the consequences of his foolish actions, you still couldn’t find a way to best him. You had ignored your mother’s requests to train harder, be stronger, prepare yourself for when the time came for you two to battle it out in the most rudimentary way of all. Deep down, you knew she was right, but that didn’t sway your decision.

Instead, while your brother moved his way up the ranks until he commanded an army, you hid out in little villages, away from most civilisation. You found a place, stole an amplifier that would allow you to heal and tailor yourself if need be, worked whatever job you could, then left before you could get too attached, disappearing into the shadows, as was your place.

How foolish of you, to believe that you could hide out forever.

You waited until no noise came from above you to melt away from the shadows surrounding you. That was one good thing about being a Shadow Summoner: no one could see you if you didn’t want to be seen.

You didn’t know where you docked exactly. The sailors were Shu, travelling to this place, instead of returning, as you were accustomed to. For once, you had no bearings in this new place.

You left the boat and walked the streets, paying close attention to the people and places. A word here, a flash of money there, and you were once again in full control of your destiny.

You slinked away from the many gambling halls, houses of pleasure, and other such idiotic places and went further into the shadows. Your home. The further you went, the safer you felt, although something told you you shouldn’t.

You looked up at the rooftops from your peripheral. A girl. Impressively soundless, most likely invisible to any other person. It reminded you of a cat you used to have when you were younger, happier, and naive. She used the shadows in her favour. Unfortunately for her, you were the shadows.

You weighed your options and turned onto an empty street, stopping and crouching down as if to tie your shoe. Above you, the girl stopped and observed.

“Hello, little cat.”

You said, in perfect kerch. If you live this long, you learn to pick up a few languages. The girl stilled, and you turned towards her.

“Come on, hop on down, I’m not gonna hurt you or anything.”

She seemed to hesitate for a second but eventually did, landing soundlessly on her feet. Your heightened vision allowed you to see her perfectly. She was Suli.

“That was impressive. I suppose most people don’t even notice you’re there, much less call you out on it.”

Her eyes widened, most likely surprised to hear her mother tongue spoken back at her.

“You’re Suli?”

You shook your head.

“Ravkan. Close enough. Mind telling me why you were following me?”

She shifted on her feet. Apparently, once you took away her greatest strength, she had a hard time bouncing back. It was understandable. You wanted to fix it.

“My boss has me stake out everyone that he deems necessary. One of those is newcomers that don’t fit the usual pattern. You came into my sights.”

You nodded.

“Understood. Lead the way, I wanna have a talk with that boss of yours.”

Now, you’d give anything to be back on the streets of Ketterdam.

You cursed yourself as your fingers yet again failed to touch. All you needed was one measly touch of your hands to activate the magic, get it flowing, then you could get out of here. Your movements were still sluggish from the brief Heartrender-induced coma. You suspected that Aleksander wanted you to be at the centre of his victory, so close, yet unable to stop him. Not for the first time, you cursed yourself for your actions.

A letter was waiting for you on top of your bed. You briefly wondered if one of the Dregs had mistakenly put it there since you had no one to send letters to you, but once you got closer you knew it wasn’t a mistake.

“No…”

You gasped out, staring at your name, proudly scrawled in your mother’s handwriting.

This can’t be possible. No one knows where you are.

Hurried words, some stood out, need you here, not much time, imminent disaster.

You made your way up the stairs and to Kaz’s office.

Need you here.

Need you here need you here need you here.

“Come in.”

You closed the door behind you and Kaz immediately abandoned his plans, most likely expecting another night of healing. Although you were powerful, healing was an acquired gift, not a born one. It’d take a few more sessions to fully rid him of his touch aversion. Although you’d managed to stop him from recoiling at your touch, others were still a challenge.

He noted your posture and a frown crossed his face.

“What’s wrong?”

“I have to leave.”

The way his face dropped haunted you all the way out of the Slat, to the boat, through the Fold, into the Little Palace, in the woods when you were trying to keep Alina and Mal safe, during you and your brother’s first showdown, and was still with you now, bound in some skiff to witness your brother’s cruel plan come to fruition.

“(Y/n)?”

You snapped your head towards the voice, eyes filling with newfound hope at the sight of your newest friend.

“Mal!”

He rushed towards you, looking for anything he could use to break your bonds while you inspected him for injuries. Aleksander could take away the amplifier, but your Healer instincts were not something you could just shake off.

“How did you end up here?”

He looked at you as if it was obvious.

“I couldn’t let Alina face him alone. Even less when I saw them drag you here. Unconscious, nonetheless. I would’ve come by sooner but I had to make sure no one would come to look down here.”

You nodded. What Mal and Alina had wasn’t something you could break. Wherever he goes, she goes, and vice-versa. There’s no doubt in your mind they’d follow each other to the grave without a second thought.

“Ugh, I can’t get these off!”

You made your way to the pair, soundless as ever. They were hiding from Aleksander and his Grisha, but you knew they would be caught.

“Don’t panic, it’s just me.”

Mal turned around, surely ready for a fight, but Alina stopped him.

“Mal, it’s okay, she’s a friend.”

You quickly assessed your surroundings, figuring out the best path to get away from the search party.

“Over here, come on, we have to hurry.”

They followed you, eager to get out of danger, and within minutes you had them safely stowed away and out of your brother’s reach.

You reached for Alina.

“Come, let me heal you.”

It still surprised you how she trusted you so easily, even after knowing the man Aleksander was. The man you were related to. You supposed your mother had a hand in that.

Once she was fully recovered, you turned to Mal.

“I know you don’t know me, and you have no reason to trust me, but if you allowed me I’d like to take care of those cuts of yours, get you back into peak condition.”

He looked towards his friend.

“If Alina trusts you, then so do I.”

It was that simple.

“I can.”

You thought you were hallucinating. Kaz? On the East side of the Fold? Not possible.

Yet, when you lifted your head, there he was: in flesh, bones, and leather gloves. You almost sobbed.

“Kaz…”

He pushed Mal away with his cane, then knelt behind you, cradling your bound wrists with gentle hands. You couldn’t see him work, as your hands were behind your back, but you could feel the shift of his wrists, the heat emanating from him, his breath on your neck.

One barely-there brush of his arm against your fingertips and your hands were free. You turned around and he brought his hand to your face, inspecting it for any injuries that might have occurred. Fortunately, your brother had been kind enough to allow a Healer to tend to you after your fight.

“What are you doing here?”

“We came here on a job. Get Alina, get a million kruge. It didn’t go so well.”

You laughed wetly, throat tight from holding back tears.

“I’m really glad you’re okay, and I’m happy to see you but I wish you weren’t here.”

Another voice piped up.

“You know, it’s really unfair that he gets all the sentimental reunion shit and we don’t even get a hug. Like come on, are we not friends?”

You rose on unsteady feet and brought Jesper into your arms, repeating the action with Inej right after. How you’d missed them.

A scuffle broke out from above you and you knew that you had to act now. You were going to stop your brother. Once and for all, like you should have done all those years ago.

Kaz squeezed your hand as you repeated the familiar words.

“No mourners.”

“No funerals.”

“(Y/n)!”

Your mother’s voice rang out as you stared at the door outside her bedroom. Soldiers stood, Aleksander was widely outnumbered.

“I have to help him.”

She shook her head.

“No. You have to stop him. He’s about to do something terrible.”

But you couldn’t. You couldn’t just leave him to die. He was your big brother, your family. You couldn’t leave him. With a flick of your wrist, the shadows had risen to hold their feet to the ground. Destabilising them. Scaring them. You thought you had evened the odds.

Turns out the scales had started to tip in Aleksander’s favour long ago, and the sudden surge of Grisha power in the air was all he needed.

In a split second, he’d siphoned the little bit of your power that was in those shadow traps. It looked so insignificant given how much you had. But a little power goes a long way. It went long enough for him to create the Fold.

Your mother begged you to stop him, fight him, put an end to what would ruin millions of lives. You felt fear take hold of you, shame, doubt. You knew you’d never be good enough for that. Brave enough.

When he came back inside looking for Baghra, you were gone, hidden in the shadows like the coward you were. Hidden in the shadows like you’d remain from then on.

It all happened so fast. Too fast. One minute you were fighting, Alina was setting herself free, Aleksander went overboard, you rescued Mal. You saw your brother disappear into the shadows but he was still there, fighting them, and he’d win. These shadows were a part of him. He’d created them. They’d obey their creator. They wouldn’t harm him. They couldn’t harm him. But you could.

Zoya got the sails to work again, propelling the skiff out of the Fold just as you jumped out, drowning out your friends’ voices. You saw them all get out safely. That’s good. You took a determined step forward.

You stood face to face with your brother. Alina and Mal were further North, still trying to locate the stag. You stayed behind. You had to protect them. You had to fight him, make up for all the suffering you could have prevented.

“(Y/n). So you did return.”

He rose his hand up to stop his men from moving.

“This needs to end, Aleksander, you’ve caused enough suffering as is.”

He scoffed.

“Suffering? Only to our enemies. They wanted us shackled, weak, dead. I’m doing this for the good of our people, why won’t you understand that?”

You rose a brow.

“That sounds a lot like what the Fjerda say before they burn Grisha at the pyre instead of learning to live in harmony.”

His eyes lit up in anger.

“Do not compare me to those beasts. I am a living Saint, the saviour of our kind!”

You let a tear fall from your eyes, finally seeing just how far gone your brother was. But this wasn’t him. Your brother was dead. He died along with Luda all those centuries ago. This was the Darkling, the Black Hester. Aleksander was dead.

“You are no saviour.”

Shadows formed around you just as they did around him.

“Fine, make me your villain.”

It was a gruesome fight. Shadow against shadow, punch against punch, blade against blade. You had the same power, but not the same strength. He had a purpose, a will, a goal that had festered for over a century. You were slower, less trained, mourning the brother you just realised you lost.

It was a lost cause from the very beginning.

He plunged his blade into your gut. You thought it fitting, that you’d spent so long hiding in the shadows only for them to be the reason for your demise.

The amplifier, the one thing that gave you power, that allowed you to heal instead of destroying as your family seemed to constantly do, was pulled from your body and you felt yourself weaken, hitting the snow with a dull thud.

The last thing you registered was a Healer tending to your wounds before your pulse was dropped and you were welcomed by the unforgiving helplessness of unconsciousness.

“Come to join me, little sister? Finally came to your senses?”

You stood in front of him, nothing but twenty feet of air between you. You felt the darkness everywhere. In the ground, in the dust floating, in the creatures flying around. This was pure darkness. You were in your element, but so was he.

“You know I’m not, Darkling.”

“It’s Aleksander, call me by my name.”

You shook your head.

“Aleksander died along with his lover. You are not my brother. You’re an abomination, and I’ll rid the world of you if it’s my last action on this Earth.”

He drew his hands in front of him and a blade formed.

“As you wish. If you’re no longer my sister, I’ll have no qualms about killing you.”

You evaded expertly as he swung down his blade. He was expecting an easy fight, and yet he’d have anything but. He saw you as the defenceless little girl he had to protect in his youth, the coward that ran out on her family, the unworthy opponent he bested once already.

But that was not you anymore. You’d changed, quickly and drastically. You had a goal now, a single-minded type of focus: beat him, end him, undo your wrongdoings.

You channelled all your knowledge, your instincts. The years spent defending yourself against soldiers with bows and arrows, the days evading Fjerdans, Examiners, and any of the like, the months spent fighting for and beside the Dregs. You were a different person.

In that moment, you weren’t (Y/n), you were the personification of his doom, you were karma coming back for retribution, you were the wrecking ball that would destroy everything he’d created.

He relied too much on his blade, you didn’t make that same mistake. With a flick, shadows encompassed his feet, as you had once done for his enemies. Your shadows, uncontrollable to him. He swung his blade down to cut them off, but you kicked it away. Punching him in the face felt better than you’d imagined.

Drawing your own shadows was complicated here, where everything was his creation. They could be easily destroyed by a momentary loss of focus. He thought that was a slip-up. He was terribly wrong.

He brought his knee up to hurt you but you caught it, dropping to the floor with practised ease and watching him fly over you, hitting the ground with a groan. And then it was hit. After hit. After hit. A block here and there, but they got rarer the more you moved along. His body sagged on the floor, face beaten beyond recognition, body drained of all its energy from the previous fight and now this one.

You formed a dagger, just as your brother had taught you all those years ago. Fitting that he'd be the one teaching you the skill that would kill him.

“Goodbye, Darkling.”

You plunged the dagger into his heart, watching the light fade from his eyes. His body started to sag and fade, turning to shadows and being absorbed into your being. He might have been a Shadow Summoner, but he was also an Amplifier. His body’s power went to the one that killed him. When his body was gone, now forever a part of you, you allowed yourself to lay back down.

With him dead, the Fold was no longer able to expand. It had no creator to draw its power from, it was at a standstill, waiting to either fade or be blown away. The Darkling was powerful, you’d expect it to take a few more centuries to fade on its own. But that wouldn’t be a problem. Alina would destroy it.

You looked down at your arms, the black magic of the Amplifier not yet settled within you. In a sense, it was comforting. Aleksander had been an Amplifier long before his soul had rotten. It felt like having a part of him with you forever.

You closed your eyes, body weak, and let yourself sink further into the dirt.

You thought of what you’d be living behind. Alina. Mal. Inej. Jesper. The Dregs. Your little room in the Slat. That cat that always came around begging for food.

Kaz.

Oh, Kaz…

You’d never gotten to say goodbye. It was a split-second decision to jump off that skiff. You’d never said goodbye to him. Worked through the remainder of his touch aversion.

Would he be mad? Would he mourn you? Would he cry?

You’d never seen him cry before, but surely this was a good reason to.

You’d never get to kiss him.

You’d gotten so close too.

But all that hard work was in vain now.

“Alright, do you wanna try now?”

He opened his eyes and nodded. You’ve done a lot of progress over the last few weeks. From taking off his gloves when you were in the room, to touching your bare hand with his, to laying on the bed, side by side.

It was a daily job, first getting through those walls enough that he didn’t recoil at your touch for the sole purpose of healing his leg. It was a weakness he didn’t like to have. Now that his leg was fully healed up, you could focus entirely on him.

At first, you felt hurt that he still insisted on carrying his cane around everywhere, until you noticed it was more for deceit and practicality’s sake than for actual necessity.

You laid on the bed beside him, as you’ve done multiple times. You always make sure to let him make the first move, let him have control. He needed control and you were more than happy to give up some of it.

He started by moving his hand towards yours and linking your pinkie, breathing for a moment and sighing in relief when no feeling of nausea arose.

You hadn’t done much, really, it was all him. Your work involved calling up the memories and offering him better coping mechanisms but he had to accept those mechanisms and put them in place. He was the one that made peace with Jordie’s death and what he had to do to survive. He did all the heavy lifting, your only job was to keep him sane while he processed those emotions, and then help him get reacquainted with touch.

He took a deep breath, holding it in his lungs. You’d seen that expression before. It was the expression he wore when he was about to take a gamble, get into a fight, jump off some building to escape whatever hole he’d fallen into. A deep breath before that sudden leap of faith, if he even had any.

He quickly pulled you to his chest, hugging you tightly with an arm around your shoulder and another around your waist.

A second passed. Then two. Three. He let out the breath he was holding and sighed.

“All good?”

“All good.”

You smiled and hugged him back, taking in the unique scent that could belong to no one but him. His body safely cocooned yours and you let yourself relax. The day had been long, healing much needed and tailoring required for a job. You started to feel the heavy toll of exhaustion weighing you down and fought against the drooping of your lashes. But you were fighting a losing battle.

When you woke up the next morning, Kaz was still in bed with you. You could feel his eyes on your face, hands caressing your cheeks, bodies still pressed up against one another. When your eyelids fluttered open, he didn’t look away.

His eyes were gorgeous, you hadn’t actually noticed that before. Up until now, they were just blue. How foolish you had been to think that such beautiful things could be categorised as “just” anything. They were the diamonds in Queens’ necklaces, they were the sky in late Fjerdan winter, they were the water you’d travelled on to get here. They were a perfect mirror to him.

No part of Kaz Brekker should ever be described as “just” anything because Kaz Brekker was everything.

Carefully, he leaned in. This was nothing like yesterday, no sudden movement to test a theory, find out if he was ready, if the treatment was working. He was doing this because he wanted to. Because he wanted to kiss you.

You felt his breath on your lips and gently closed your eyes. His mouth barely brushed yours, no more than wind on a cold day, when a knock suddenly reverberated and he was jumping away to sit at his desk, sparing you one last glance as you straightened yourself up before inviting in whoever it was.

“Get us back in there, Squaller, I am not leaving her behind!”

Zoya shook her head while behind him, Alina wept in Mal’s arms.

“If she jumped out, she’s as good as gone. The Fold is ruthless, and she has to deal with the Darkling as well. She couldn’t have survived.”

He shook his head in blatant refusal.

“No. No, you don’t know (Y/n). She wouldn’t die, she wouldn’t die! She’s alive and she needs us to go looking for her!”

Jesper paced back and forth, examining the skiff, most likely trying to figure out if he could manipulate the material of it enough that they’d be on the move. But skiffs weren’t made to be worked by Fabrikators, they were made to be worked by Squallers.

Inej was oddly silent. Clutching a knife to her chest, one of the two new ones she’d bought for her thigh holsters. The one on the right thigh was named Sankta Alina, the left one, the one she held now, was still unnamed.

He paced. This wasn’t happening. This couldn’t be happening. Not now. Not when he had yet to tell her he-

Tell her he…

Not when I haven’t told her I love her.

He thought and forced himself to really think those words. To think them over, and over, and over again, so that when he saw her again, they’d be the first ones tumbling out of his lips.

Before I miss you.

Before I thought you died.

Before I’m glad you’re alive.

“Oh, Sankta (Y/n).”

Inej whispered, and pointed at the Fold, where they’d come out of what felt like hours ago. A figure in a black outfit stumbled out. He knew that outfit. He knew that figure. He’d know her even when he didn’t know himself. When the rest of the world was a blank slate and he didn’t recognise the man staring back at him in the mirror, he’d know her, and he’d know he loved her.

He jumped off the skiff, cane, hat, everything left behind and sprinted towards her. Faster, he thought, you’re moving too slow, get to her faster.

He was a mere sixty feet from her when she lifted her head, saw him, and smiled. She stopped then, knowing he’d come to her, knowing he’d save her, knowing he’d hold her up when she couldn’t hold herself, protect her and heal her like she’d done him.

He pulled her into his arms as soon as she was close enough to. His grip was unyielding, strong, desperate. He pulled away just enough to look into her eyes.

“I love you.”

His voice didn’t waver, despite the tears. It didn’t break, there was no tell that he was lying because for once in his life, he wasn’t. For once, he was telling the truth, the purest, most honest truth, with no regards for how bad that could end.

“I love you, too.”

But of course, it wouldn’t end badly, because this is (Y/n) we’re talking about. Soft, gentle (Y/n) that could heal him with a look and destroy anyone with a flick of her hand. She was hard, she was dangerous, she was powerful, she should be feared, she was his equal, she was his love, she was his life, she was his everything.

When they finally kissed, it felt like coming home.

Are you guys as soft as I am right now? Cause I just read this over and I am in a pile of tears, so either my sleep deprivation has finally caught up to me or this is genuinely the best thing I’ve ever written.

Anyway, if you liked it don’t forget to like/reblog/comment/send me an ask or dm ranting about it, I really love hearing from you guys.

-Love, Miah <3

«────── « ⋅ʚ♡ɞ⋅ » ──────»

Taglists: (if your name is striked through it means for some reason tumblr wouldn’t let me tag you)

PERMA TAG

@adriannajackson123 @evermoreholland @inlovewithmobtom @andycanbeemotional @officiallyunofficialperson @lost-in-the-stars03 @jeezkiddo @a-singleboat @parkersbliss @highlydisfunctional1 @inthecornerchair @harishaanne @anjalika03 @peterspideyy @lozzypoz321 @mendes-marvel @sovereignparker @sofyluv17 @dracoswhore007

SHADOW AND BONE

@thegirlwiththeimpala @olkathechaoticfox @iloveinej

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holden-caulfield · 3 years

Text

Darker Than The Shadows

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REQUESTED: "omg please make a part two to the “brighter than the sun” one shot- and please add me to your tag list :3"

SUMMARY: reader thinks back at her relationship with the darkling and wishes she could turn back.

WARNINGS: a little angsty maybe, but it ends with fluff

WORD COUNT: 620

A/N: part two of "Brighter Than The Sun", so i'd suggest reading that one before this, but it's not necessary :)

Was he really happy? You couldn't help but ask yourself this question as you saw him walking around the palace with her.

How perfect they looked together, the day and the night, light and darkness strolling together, as if you never even existed.

Did he really forget you that easily? Maybe he never cared about you, perhaps it was all lies. But they weren't for you: his little smiles, his warm embraces, him simply existing by your side, they weren't lies for you.

You remembered his smile, how bright it could be despite him being the shadow summoner. The same question repeated itself in your head: did he keep it for her? Would you ever see it again? It was once only reserved to you, and you had no doubt Alina now had the privilege of seeing it in private. The Saints know you would give everything to see it just once; the Saints know you would give everything to be the one it was dedicated to again.

You had thought about it. You could have told him everything, how you missed waking up next to him, how you missed him being the last thing you saw every day, how you missed his touch, how you missed his hair, his eyes, his everything. Your everything.

But he had made a decision, one you couldn't argue with. He had chosen Alina. You had to accept it.

It seemed unfair, for him to forget you so easily, for him to go on like nothing happened, for him to hold her hand as if it was yours. You knew you weren't the first and it was obvious you wouldn't have been the last, but it was unfair.

You avoided him, as much as possible, but it was hard to avoid him when you subconsciously looked for him everywhere.

"Can we talk, y/n?" it was unexpected. You hadn't heard his voice in so long; it was refreshing, it was deadly.

"Careful, people will see you with me." it was sharp, but it was your pain talking, you couldn't help it.

"I don't care, you know i never did." he stepped closer to you but you couldn't bear his presence, not when you knew you it wouldn't have lasted. So you stepped away.

"What do you need?" you asked dismissively.

He waited a few moments, inched closer; you didn't push him away.

"You." he whispered and chills ran down your spine. All of a sudden, it was like the first time you met: you felt nervous but excited, scared but eager.

"No, you don't." you replied, voice so low you didn't even hear yourself.

"I've always needed you and i'll always will." he started, "But i need to know something before i let you go."

You felt yourself going rigid.

"Are you happy?" he paused a moment. "Are you happy, without me?"

You knew the answer and in his eyes you could see that he wanted you to say it. He wanted to believe in it.

"Are you?" you asked.

He was staring into your eyes, every barrier he had ever built inside him couldn't stand a chance against you. He knew it, he shook his head no.

"Are you?" he mimicked, hope swirling behind those beautiful dark eyes.

"You've always been my other half, how could my answer be any different from yours?"

He didn't need anything else, he took your face in his hands and kissed you. Just like that, weeks of pain and longing vanished with a tender caress and his lips on yours.

"I left Alina." he whispered, his hands still cupping your cheeks, foreheads touching.

"Did you, now?" you asked, smiling.

"Of course, it's always been you."

taglist - @henqtic @eunoniaa @wh0re4blaise @harmqnia @sanctimoniousslytherpuff @maybesandohnos @youreso-golden @beforeoursunsets @o-rion-sta-r @mollysolo @prettygirlkay @dlmmdl @chaoticgirl04 @badass-yn @peachybaes @dracomalfoys-wh0re @dreamcxtcherr @maybanksslut @gwlvr @aleksanderwh0r3 @antideppresants @miraclesoflove @s1xthirty

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#the darkling x y/n #the darkling x you #the darkling #the darkling x reader #aleksander x you #aleksander morozova #aleksander x reader #aleksander x y/n #grishaverse #shadow and bone

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elleclairez · 3 years

Text

The Starless one and his star - Darkling x reader

Alina didn’t know what to do exactly. She sat silently in an armchair of her chambers in the Little Palace, her gaze focused on the figure of her worst enemy who decided that it would be a marvellous idea to torment her a little by playing tricks with her mind.

The Starkov girl knew that the Darkling wasn’t really there, but it certainly did not ease her worries in any way at all. The man on the other hand, silently stood, watching young Grisha train with Botkin through the window. No one could guess what was going on inside his head. Saints even he didn’t know why he chose to pay a visit to his enemy.

The silence in the room was heavy, almost unbearable for the young woman. She wanted to cry, shout and hit the man all at once and yet her body couldn’t move even a little. She was petrified and she couldn’t understand why. Was is fear? Hatred? Anger? Or was it something else stopping her from crying out for help or banishing the man from her mind herself?

The silence didn’t stop until the beautiful, silky voice of the Darkling resonated through the walls of the room.

“Have you ever heard of a young woman by the name of Seren Heijman?” Confusion flashed through Alina’s eyes. Seeing that the Shadow Summoner sighed and added “You might know her as the Star Saint. A bloody ridiculous name if you ask me.” The last sentence was muttered and Alina could barely hear it to properly decipher all the words. But as the words left the man’s mouth, the young Grisha suddenly had old memories of childhood stories crossing her mind. Alina could still remember the tales that Ana Kuya would tell them back at Keramzin. There was one story that Alina always adored, it was about a young, beautiful and selfless woman who chose death to save her comrades and the now long dead king.

“All I remember is that she died sacrificing herself to save the king and her friends. Let me guess she was Grisha too?” Asked Alina with her brows furrowed. Why would the Darkling talk about Saints with her?

“I always told you that those tales were propaganda for peasants. Seren was indeed Grisha, a powerful Inferni actually. And no, she did not sacrifice herself as everyone chose to believe. She was killed. Stabbed and left to die alone. Without anyone to save her or to at least be by her side when she would let go of her last breath.” Spat the Darkling with anger. Hatred could be deciphered from his eyes quite easily. It wasn’t hard to understand that this story was quite a sensitive topic for him, but Alina didn’t care. She was too curious as to why the man who was as heartless as a volcra would care so much about a mere woman and her unfortunate fate.

“You knew her didn’t you?” Carefully asked Alina too afraid of his reaction. The last thing she wanted was to anger her enemy. The Darkling chuckled.

“I did not know the martyr that people made of her against her will. I knew a young Kerch Inferni who was too good for this world.” And with those words, the Darkling pulled out a chain out of his pocket, and attached to it were two rings.

Two wedding bands.

While at court Alina was able to see many jewels but all of them paled in comparison to the beauty of those. It was no doubt Materialki work.

The first was a man’s ring, quite simple, black with silver engravings on it, but it was the second one that caught her eye. A silver ring with black engravings that were too small to be read but big enough to be visible. On top of it, three diamonds were placed. Two were small, white ones looking like stars and the third one in the middle seemed to represent a full black moon.

At the realization, the Sun Summoner gasped.

“You...” Words couldn’t form themselves. Never in a million years could she have guessed that the most heartless man could actually be married. But most importantly it seemed that the marriages was based on love, a feeling that Alina thought the Darkling could not feel.

“Yes, Alina. We were married and loved each other dearly. She was the only one for who I was ready to give the world to on my knees but even more, she was the only one for whom I was ready to give it up. The moment she would have said it, I would have given up everything. The Second army, Ravka, everything.” The Darkling paused to take a breath, eyes full of sadness and grief. “What people say is true. She was everything any person would want to be. Intelligent, beautiful, sarcastic, a real firecracker if you ask me.” At that the Darkling laughed a little, memories seemed to flash in his eyes. “Loving, brave and selfless and yet selfish enough to dream of a peaceful life with me, away from all the fighting. She was the only one that I needed, and yet she was still taken from me.” At those words the man’s fists clenched, knuckles white from tension, his eyes full of hatred and yet still held the same sadness as before. Alina could even feel herself pitying the man.

“What happened?” Almost shakily whispered the raven haired woman. She knew asking that would be dangerous, but she wanted to know what happened.

“The ancestor of our so lovely King Alexander desired her with all his body and could not bear the idea that she chose to marry me and decline his advances. So he did what many Lantsov men did as it seems, he tried to take her by force. But my Seren was powerful, something that the bastard forgot, she burned him but was kind enough to simply leave burns on his hands. She hoped that he wouldn’t approach her from then on but that man, if you can call him a man, was vengeful, so he sent her to Fjerda on a mission, as he said. I was away the day she was sent away, and I only found out a few days later. The moment I received the news I rushed to Fjerda as fast as I could but when I arrived at her camp, it was too late. All I found was dead Ravkan soldiers both otkasatsya and Grisha and when I found her tent I already knew something was wrong, I felt somehow felt it. And there she was in her tent, laying on the ground, eyes blank, a single dried tear on her cheek, the spark that I used to adore in her beautiful orbs, gone. She laid there, on the floor, in a pool of her own blood and all I could do was to stand there, paralysed with this raging urge to destroy the monster who did that to her.” A deathly silence succumbed the room, Alina did not know what to say, and she became even more speechless when she saw a tear run down the Darkling’s cheek. He didn’t look so terrifying anymore but more like the young man that Baghra so desperately tried to save. “From that day I promised myself that I would avenge her. That I would take over Ravka and destroy every person who would think of hurting my and her people, of hurting Grisha people.”

“Make me your villain, Alina Starkov. But even you should see right now that I am not the villain but only the victim. The one who lost too much by the hands of others.” Alina didn’t know what to say, how could she respond after such story? Was she even supposed to respond? Was he even saying the truth? It wouldn’t be a surprising for her that the Darkling was simply playing tricks on her, again.

As if reading her mind, the Shadow Summoner said. “If you don’t believe me, there is proof in a secret drawer of my desk, well your desk now should I say, in the war room, go see for yourself.” At that the Darkling’s figure started to disappear, but Alina had one more question.

“Wait!” The Darkling looked at her expectantly. “I know not all tales are true, but some said that... she was...” She couldn’t bring herself to say it. Because if those stories were indeed true then the Darkling would be even less of a monster.

A dark chuckle left his mouth, he knew what she was trying to say. “We were going to name them Elizaveta if it were a girl or Piotr if a boy.” And with those words the man disappeared.

Alina didn’t even notice how tears escaped her eyes but a few minutes later she found herself in the war room, opening the same drawer that the Darkling talked about.

It was a portrait. An old, small and dusty but still very well-kept one.

On it was painted a young couple, dressed in wedding attires, those same rings on their fingers. Smiles and eyes full of love, so bright that even the painting couldn’t dull the sparkle that they had while looking at each other.

At the bottom of the portrait Alina was able to decipher the writing.

“Seren and Aleksander Morozova. The Starless One and the Star”

Hope you liked this angsty Aleksander x reader one-shot. Had this idea since I saw the trailer (which is INCREDIBLE by the way) and gotta be honest I literally wrote all of this during my philosophy class because it was better than falling asleep...

If you have a request don’t hesitate to send me a message. You can find all the fandoms I write for in my bio, but I warn you that it may take a little while for me to write it because I’ve been a lot of writer’s block lately....

Ps: Hello! This is me again from the future or present (depends on how you see it). Just wanted to say that I edited the story a little. Again English is not my native language, so there may be some mistakes that I’ve missed, do not hesitate to comment if you see one. Again I hope you enjoyed this story and if you did go check my other ones 😉

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cheekygreenty · 3 years

Text

In My Head - The Darkling x Reader

Supppeer angsty and kinda sad?

The fire engulfed the golden kefta in a water-like rhythm. The cracks and sparks echoed in the open field amongst the silence that settled around all of you. Alina was exhausted, Zoya was grieving, the Ketterdam criminals looked shaken too. But you were unmoving, as still as a painting and not showing a single emotion. They had all witnessed your heartbreak as it fell and crashed the world around you, breaking every part of you. They watched as realization flooded you that you never truly knew Aleksander. They watched as he tore your heart from your chest and threw it into the depths of the Fold to rot.

Painted a picture,

I thought I knew you well

It was humiliating. Alina had tried to warn you but you played her off as selfish and unwilling to use her powers for the good of all Grisha. You told her she was stupid and foolish for loving an otkazat'sya when in reality you were the fool for loving a man that didn't exist.

You told her she was crazy, that Aleksander would never lie to you and that he was good because you knew him. In truth, you were no better than him. You blindly followed everything he said, completely ignoring the alarm bells in your head. You had grown used to them as weeks went by, to the point of the alarm playing a low comforting tune in your mind all day and all night.

There weren't enough apologies in the world to say sorry for the things you'd done and said to Alina and she'd insisted that no apology was necessary because it wasn't your fault, 'It's not your fault you only see the good things about people' she whispered to you before she left to change. But the good things about him weren't there; they never existed. It was all in your head, a mind so desperate for love it concocted a whole new Aleksander, one which you loved so much and would do anything for.

I got a habit of seeing what isn't there

'We were all fooled Y/N, Don't blame it all on yourself' Despite her grieving and sorrow, Zoya's hand rested on your shoulder briefly as a sign of comfort. Without her, you wouldn't have been here right now, alive and breathing.

'I don't blame myself. I hate myself for being so blind'

'Me too'

I thought that you were the one

But it was all in my head

------

You could feel the nothingness of the Fold threading through your hair even inside Alina's tunnel of safety. You stared at her shackled feet, pushing the guilt away and replacing it with a sense of righteousness. There was nothing else that could be done to keep her in check, if she wanted to escape and hide from her destiny forever then she would do so over your dead body.

The Fold needed to be gone and if chaining her to the skiff was going to be the only way she obeyed then so be it. Your mind quickly spiraled back to her hasty words back in the tent. She was panicked and desperate, clinging to your arm like a wailing child begging to be heard. Her lies were bizarre and abundant, no doubt the works from her long journey to the Stag but they were unbelievable. So extreme even a Fjerdan would laugh at their ridiculousness.

The skiff suddenly stopped, Novokribirsk visible in the distance with lines of First-Army troops standing in neat lines.

'Why have we stopped?' A dignitary asked and you wondered the same thing. You searched the skiff for anyone with an explanation, but everyone looked equally as confused but Alina looked mortified. What is going on?

'One more demonstration. You’ve seen what the Sun Summoner can do' You whipped your head around to him slightly moving away but his arm pulled you back to his side with an edge. You heard the loud jangle of Alina's chains as she tried to move. 'Now bear witness to what I can do… with her power.'

He pushed you to Ivan, who took no time in holding you back by the arms, caging you in his grasp. You resisted on the simple basis that you didn't know why you were being restrained just like Alina but the answer came all too soon. There was no time to shout or gasp as Aleksander raised his own hands and the black shadows of the Fold expanded into Novokribirsk, killing everything in its path.

You stood motionless as the horrible sounds of volcra swarming and humans screaming flooded the air. Alina's words came back to you again but you didn't listen. No, you didn't want to. Zoya seemingly came down from the mainsail and looked at the black void in a hypnosis-like stare but nobody dared say anything. There was a silence on the skiff while hundreds and thousands of lives ceased to exist in a matter of seconds.

The comforting tune in your head had suddenly turned into a blinding screech, rendering you frozen and flabbergasted. He did this, Aleksander did this. How could he do this? You tried to fight the heartrenderer off, squirming desperately in his arms to cover your ears from the slaughtering sounds. Your knees had given out by now and Alina was on the floor of the skiff, struggling to get up due to the heavy and awkward chains. I put them there.

'Today, we redraw all the maps. With the power of the Sun Summoner at my command, I control the Fold.' A sob erupted from your throat right at the minute you realized Alina was right. You didn't listen, this is all my fault. Ivan pulled you back up, roughly smacking a hand over your mouth to stop your pathetic cried of betrayal. You fought a little harder, trashing around in hopes of escaping his hold or at least getting someone's attention but nobody seemed to care. They all feared for their lives.

'All countries will answer to us. For who would oppose us now?' He briefly shot a look in your direction but spared you no emotion. It was then that you saw the real Aleksander, blood-thirsty for power and revenge. The Black Heretic.

Everything you are made you

Everything you aren't

The next five minutes were a complete blur. You somehow found yourself fighting for your life and those around you. Your head was empty of its usual whirling thoughts as survival mode kicked in. Kill or be killed. You stopped counting how many hits you got or how many bruises were forming on your body. It was primal and in your Grisha nature to protect those around you, and in that haste of battle you made your allegiance to Alina obvious.

There was no time to think about Aleksander. You weren't quite sure you wanted to think about him. He was on this skiff with you, on the opposing side that just murdered a town full of people yet the part of your brain, your imagination, craved to be by his side. To please him by obeying, to get his touch in return. You were addicted to the man who had ruined your innocence.

'You betrayed me' His voice was right behind you as was his hand, creeping up the side of your throat and forcefully pushing you against the barrier of the skiff, ready to throw you over to the unlit Fold.

'I betrayed you?!' Your shout was loud and hearty, overflowing with sadness and shame at being relieved for being next to him again. You clawed at his tightening hand, feeling your airways restrict and your vision become fainter and fainter. You would die at the hands of the man you loved.

'Look what you made me do Y/N, do you think I want to kill you?' Your head bopped but your stupid heart grasped at the sadness in his words, he still loves me. 'I don't want to. I really don't'

'Then don't' you chocked out, your hold on his wrists becoming limp. You felt the ever-so familiar touch of his lips grace your temple and then he retreated.

The world went dark but your body hit the deck of the skiff, not the soft sands of the Fold and your lungs abruptly filled with forced Squaller air.

Yes, I did it to myself, yeah

Thought you were somebody else

'What are you going to do now?' You still sat by the fire while everyone stood. Zoya had left your side and was talking with Alina but you filtered out the noise. Your head was too full of your own self-hatred to stand any more voices so Jesper's question to you went unnoticed. 'Y/N?'

You looked at him and shrugged. You didn't want to move, your body still ached too much from being dragged away from the brink of death to make your way somewhere safe.

You would never admit it around anyone, but as Alina spoke of the Darkling being dead, a wave of grief washed over you. It was cold and unpleasant; unwelcome. But you knew love didn't disappear overnight. You didn't know who saved you on the skiff, whether it was he who had let you go, or was it Zoya who battled to have you freed from his grasp.

As much as you had created the Aleksander you viewed, the foundations were all him, you had only added on or omitted the parts you did and didn't like. You prayed it was him who spared you, you prayed there was something real about your Aleksander, that that was a foundation.

The tears that fell down your face in a stream were assumed to be for the betrayal and the horridness of what the Darkling had done to you and others, when if fact they were for him. You cried because you would never see him again, you cried because the people who had helped you get out of the Fold were the same people who had killed him.

-------

When Mal caught your deathly stare in his direction, he had to do a double-take. You had the same look in your eyes as the General did when he fought him in the Fold, that exact replica of coldness and rage; revenge. But surely he was wrong. You were happy to know the Heretic was dead. He betrayed you the most out of everyone here and almost killed you. Why would you be vengeful?

He waved it off with a shake, it's all in my head.

------

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unrequitedloveletter · 3 years

Text

Page Eighty-Three- Kaz Brekker

Real (Page Eighty-Three series, part 3)

And thus, here we arrive at the end of the Page Eighty-Three series! I’ve been working on it almost a week now, and had the idea brewing in my brain for two weeks beforehand, so, considering the way that I’ve chosen to publish all the parts, it’s not gonna be a very emotional goodbye for you guys, but for me, oddly enough, it is?

Its the first fic I’ve done that’s been more than two parts, and I guess that adds to it? I don’t know! But, anyways, on with it!

Also, a gentle reminder, I only have Kaz being a little on the touchier side because this is a bit of an AU of sorts, and they’re around twenty four in this last part, which gave him time to work on his trauma more and get comfortable with touch!

Fic type- fluffy as fuck

Warnings- a very brief mention of the flashback in the first chapter (to be specific, nina says ‘stopped you from getting hatecrimed’) and a brief sexual innuendo

T H R E E Y E A R S L A T E R

You knocked out after you’d killed your father, and went home completely unconscious on Inej’s boat, tucked onto a cot with Kaz at your side. Genya had decided to spend a little time around Ketterdam, get to know the ins and outs and provide intel for Nikolai when he asked for it, and Nina had decided that her home could be Ketterdam for four months of every year.

Inej did her thing, catching and killing slavers all around the globe, but her visits to Ketterdam became more frequent after you’d gotten back.

Jesper took your amplifier and made it a project for himself, removing the claw from the obsidian and instead using his fabrikator abilities to turn it into a bracelet that you wore on your right hand, made of gold, with the claw dulled out so that it didn’t poke you when you moved your wrist.

A year after you’d returned home, when yourself and Kaz had gone into his office one morning, book clutched in one of your hands, the other interlaced with Kaz’s fingers, you found a box sitting on his desk.

A note from Zoya was taped to the top of it.

A top tier bitch deserves a top tier amplifier, it read. Bracelet. Wear it on your right wrist. It’ll go with the bear claw wrapped in gold.

You kept the note, reading it to yourself whenever you needed a laugh, giggling about it with Nina when she needed a laugh, too.

All of those small moments ended up leading to a much bigger one, though. The day that Kaz proposed.

It was a pretty simple proposal, but you loved it.

“I had to get advice from Jes about this,” was how he started it, even before he’d gotten down onto one knee. “He proposed to Wylan in the fall, and I know that the Winter makes Ketterdam look absolutely stunning, and I know that you like the scenery, so, well, here we are.”

You’d been walking around Ketterdam, the clicking of Kaz’s cane against the pavement a soothing sound for the both of you.

You’d managed to make it near the outskirts of Ketterdam just by walking, as Kaz’s leg was being decent to him and he wanted to walk until you’d arrived at one of the more scenic spots. You indulged him for the sake of it, making sure you took breaks and that he got water when he was tired.

It’d been snowing, and the sky had yet to darken beyond a light grey. You and Kaz both had snow in your hair, but to one another, it just added to handsomeness, so neither of you moved to brush the snow out of your hair or off your faces.

“When we were seventeen,” he began, feeling for the box in his pocket. The one with a ring inside, cushioned by red, velvety fabric. “You read me a quote from the book I’d gotten you that day. You’ve memorized just about every poem in it since, and I happen to have done the same thing.”

“The quote that you read to me was from The Sun and Her Flowers. It was on page eighty three,” he grinned at you, a fully fledged smile. Something he saved for you and you exclusively.

“I’m going to change the wording a bit, because it’s in the past tense, and we’re not past tense. The quote was ‘you were mine, and my life was full,’,” he said. “I’m changing it to ‘you are mine, and my life is full.’ Because thats how I feel.”

“Kaz?” You asked. “Do you have something planned?” He raised an eyebrow at you as he clutched the box.

“I suck at words, so, from Rupi Kaurs book Milk and Honey, I offer you this,” he carefully got down onto a knee, using his cane to keep him steady for a few quiet moments as you realized what was happening.

“‘You are every hope and dream I’ve ever had, in human form.” He pulled out the ring, opening the box and holding it out to you. “That’s page forty nine, love.”

“If you can’t think of an answer, please, just-- anything works,” if Jesper had told sixteen year old Kaz Brekker that he’d end up on his knees, begging you for a response to his proposal at just twenty two, he’d have called Jesper crazy.

“Yes,” you mumbled. “Yes, Kaz Brekker. If you’re asking me to marry you, it’s an immediate yes.” He used his cane to get himself up to standing again, slipping the ring onto your ring finger and accepting the hug that you pulled him into.

You were going to marry Kaz Brekker, the love of your life, and you couldn’t wait for it.

The day seemed to come at you quickly, even though you’d not set the date until Winter of year that you turned twenty four.

First, it was calling Nikolai and asking if you could cash in the reward for killing your father and doing him and the world a justice that they deserved, then it was finding suitable tuxedos and sending out invitations and planning a million different things at once.

But, eventually, you, Jesper, Wylan, Genya, and Nina, were all on Inejs boat, headed toward the Little Palace.

Then, all of the sudden, you were in the last stretch of time before the wedding. Alina, Mal, Genya, Zoya, and Nina were talking as Genya tailored you, getting rid of some of the blemishes and fixing up little things about your face that you’d asked her to tailor until the end of the ceremony.

“It’s weird,” Alina said, pressing a kiss to Mals cheek as she glanced at her own wedding ring. “I remember you as this fourteen year old boy who used to gawk at the attractive guys in the Second Army, the boy who resented his powers and swore at his father at any chance that he got, and now you’re and you’re completely different.”

“Different how?”

“Kaz Brekker,” Genya said, running her finger under one of your eyes gently, as to get rid of your eyebags. “He’s good for you.”

“And you don’t resent your powers anymore,” Zoya adds. “You don’t use them often, but you don’t resent them.”

“You use them, don’t you, mate?” Mal quipped. “Or were my eyes tricking me when I went to wake you and Brekker up this morning, only to find you keeping light out of your room with a flick of your bloody wrist?”

“I was tired,” you pouted. “Kaz and I both were!”

“Ah, newlyweds,” Nina joked.

“It’s not like that!” You shouted. “Zoya, help me out!”

“He’s able to kiss you now,” she said. “Like, with tongue and stuff. Theres no reason he wouldn’t be able to enjoy a fun little tumble with you here and there!”

“’Tongue, and stuff,’” Mal repeated. “Yes, Zoya, because, as a twenty six year old woman, that’s totally adult phrasing.”

“I wouldn’t have been able to describe it any better,” Nina quipped. Genya and Alina hummed their agreement as Genya moved to your hair, fluffing it and styling it so it that it looked nice as you adjusted the cuffs on your dress shirt.

“Wheres my blazer?” You asked, grabbing your tie from Genyas lap, tying it as she evened out some of the color near your roots.

“Closet,” Alina answered. “I’ll get it for you!” Mal checked his watch.

“We’ve got three minutes to get down there,” he said. “Lets make the most of Y/Ns remaining 180 seconds unmarried.” You laughed, rolling your eyes as Genya stood, helping you up after.

Nina shot Genya a glance, and she took the hint, ushering Alina, Mal and Zoya out of the room and passing Nina your blazer as she left.

Nina helped you into your blazer, running her thumb along your cheek with a smile.

“I never thought I’d see Kaz Brekker married,” she said. “But hey, I guess stopping you from getting hatecrimed had it’s benefits, didn’t it?”

You laughed, shrugging.

“I think that we’ll rebuild some of the Slat,” you said. “Make the rooms bigger. Get plaques declaring whos room is whos.”

“A golden plaque with Nina Zenik emblazoned on it?”

“Bolted to your bedroom door, Neens.”

“I love you, Morozova.” She said, trapping you into a tight hug.

“I love you back, Zenik.” You said. “Now, c’mon. I don’t think anyone would take too kindly to me being late for my own bloody wedding, would they?”

The wedding was small, taking place close to the entrance of the Little Palace. There were no chairs to sit on, but the few guests you’d invited didn’t mind it whatsoever.

The guest list was fairly small, considering your tight knit little family. Wylan was Kaz’s best man, Your best woman was Nina. The people standing in the small crowd were all familiar faces.

Wylans mother, Marya Hendriks, and Jespers father, Colm Fahey were the oldest there. Among them were Nikolai, Alina, Mal, Genya, Rotty and Specht, and the two members of the Dregs who’d originated the King of the Barrel nicknames. Their names were Terrowin and Kira, and when you caught their eyes, they were beaming at you both.

Jesper was officiating, and as you met his gaze, you remembered how he was practically bouncing off the walls the day that you’d asked him to officiate.

“Okay, now that they’re both here, we can begin!” Jesper couldn’t hide his excitement.

“Mr. Brekker,” Jesper laughed through the words. He’d not called Kaz ‘Mr. Brekker’ unless he was doing so in a jokey context. You knew that, had it been anyone elses wedding, they’d probably have gotten angry at Jesper for giggling through the words, but for you and Kaz, it just added to an already perfect day. “Do you take Y/N as your lawfully wedded husband?”

“I do,” he said.

“Mr. Morozova,” Jesper glanced at you, and you met his gaze, having to stifle laughter when you realized just how wide his grin was. How happy he seemed. He looked like he was about to start bouncing off the walls and screaming with joy. “Do you take Kaz as your lawfully wedded husband?”

“Hells yes,” you said, giggling slightly. For a moment, Kaz let his lips lift into a grin. You matched it with your own smile and took his hand into yours.

“You’ve prepared your own vows, so, Mr. Brekker, sir, you go first!” Kaz glanced at Jesper inquisitively, grin still on his face as he started talking and met your eye.

“I’ve loved you as long as I’ve known you,” he said. “And when my heart says something, I’ve learned to listen to it. I love you with my entire heart and so much more, and I hate that I’m not good with words, because that’s all I can say. Nothing else accurately cultivates the feelings I’ve felt for you since that night, when you were broken and bruised underneath that saintsforsaken lamplight. I promise to love you every minute of every day, Brekker.” You’d agreed to change your last name to his. You’d be Y/N Brekker by the end of the night.

“Mr. Brekker,” Jesper said. “Since you’ll be married in a few minutes and I have to get used to that last name on you, you may say your vows!”

“When I was fifteen, I was caught and beat broken by a group of eight eighteen year olds,” you began. “But you saved my ass before I was killed, and it seems as though our relationship has been a series of saves ever since. Kaz Brekker, with the ring I’m about to put on your finger, I’m promising that I’ll do that forever. Please, though, try to avoid getting yourself kidnapped too often, okay?” His chest shook in silent laughter as he nodded.

“The rings, gentlepeople?” Jesper asked, Nina passed you the ring you’d slip into Kaz’s finger, and Wylan passed Kaz the one he’d put onto yours.

“Put them on,” Jesper said. You and Kaz both glanced at him once more, meeting each others eye thereafter, grinning and shaking your heads. It’d become very clear to you that the twenty four year old who you’d recruited to officiate your wedding was damn near close to letting out an excited squeal.

Kaz put the ring onto your ring finger and you did the same for him, waiting for Jespers next words as you took a half a step closer to Kaz.

“Kiss, you idiots!” Jesper said. Kaz laughed, pulling you close and pressing a kiss to your forehead.

He’d kiss you like nothing else later in the evening, when the only thing to bug you was a lamp that you’d left on, but you both agreed that a forehead kiss would be as far as you’d go in front of others. Kisses, to Kaz, were personal, and you respected and loved that about him.

“Saints, bless this fuckin’ union!” Jesper shouted. You glanced at Alina, who shot you a thumbs up and a nod as the party part of the wedding kicked off.

Terrowin and Kira were the first people that you and Kaz talked to.

“Did you secure it?” He asked.

“The property?” Terrowin was a Zemeni boy, with skin dark as night and eyes as warm as the sun.

“Or the trip?” Asked Kira, a girl from Shu Han with hair black as the feathers on a crow and blue eyes as cold as the Fjerdan ice.

“The property, first and foremost,” he said. “Did you get it? Did you give it the name I asked you to?”

“Yes, and yes,” said Terrowin. “Beside The Silver Six is a bookstore called Page Eighty-Three. It’s scheduled to open in the fall.” Your eyes widened as you made the connection.

“Page eighty-three?” You asked, smirk on your lips. Kaz shrugged.

“And the request?”

“The line from the poem will be put on the wall behind the clerks counter,” Kira said. “Just as you requested.”

“And the trip?”

“Your boat for Novyi Zem leaves in two days, Boss,” Kira said. “Two bells in the afternoon. It’s directly routed to Coftons docks.” Kaz nodded.

“Thank you,” he said. “We’ll see you when Page Eighty-Three opens.”

“Damn right we will,” you said. Terrowin and Kira laughed as they walked away.

You glanced around the room, spotting Jesper and Wylan perched at a piano, playing the music that everyone was dancing to. Marya and Colm dancing close to them. Nina and Zoya dancing like idiots and laughing throughout. Mal and Inej making conversation and Genya and Alina heading your way.

“Congrats, you two,” Genya said. “Can I expect to see you both tanned and rested up when you get back from Novyi Zem?”

“You’ll be in Ketterdam?” You asked. Genya nodded.

“For a couple of months, to make sure that your Jesper friend doesn’t colossally fuck things up while your friend Inej is doing her thing on the open ocean,” Alina said. “I’m there to visit for a bit, under the radar.”

“Thank you, Alina,” he said. “Thank you both. For everything that you’ve done in these past years.”

“No biggie, Brekker,” Alina said. “I don’t know you that well, but I see how happy you make Y/N, and he’s like a little brother. I care about his happiness.”

“You two are absolutely bloody adorable,” Genya said. “Now, back to my question, will you be tan, or at the very least, well rested, upon your return?”

“Kaz is pale,” you said. “He’ll burn like a crisp. Me? I don’t really know. I guess it depends.”

“We’ll be well rested,” Kaz said. “He’s a darkling. He can create shadow. I fully intend to use that to keep the sun out in the mornings.”

“I won’t do whatever you ask of me!” You quipped.

“You had no issue with that last night,” he said, raising a teasing eyebrow. “Or this morning!”

“Mal was right!” Alina shouted, her and Genya bursting into giggles. “Damn it, I hate it when that happens!” You laughed.

You took another glance around you, spotting your friends.

No, wait. Scratch that.

Not your friends.

Your family.

Your family was having a good time, eating, talking, dancing, laughing. They were enjoying themselves and congratulating you as you talked to Alina and Genya.

Kaz had an arm around your waist, his cheek pressed against the side of your head as his other hand gently turned your wedding ring around on your finger. He was talking to people without arguing with them. He was holding you like you were the only thing that mattered to him.

Your life was perfect.

Kaz was yours, you were his, and your life was full.

--------

tags: @whateverfandom00 @a-c-lee @incorrectquotesconaisseur @the7seannas @teatimeforusreaders @hunnybunimdun

#kaz brekker #kaz brekker x reader #shadow and bone #six of crows #shadow and bone netflix

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sirenprincess15 · 3 years

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Please Don't Leave Me Chapter 11

Title: Please Don’t Leave Me

Author: SirenPrincess

Description: What if Aleksander hadn’t answered the door when Ivan interrupted the war room kissing? What if Aleksander and Alina had a bit more time to get to know each other before Baghra told her his true identity? Alina is the only one who can comfort Aleksander through his nightmares. Will she leave once she knows who he is?

This story is based on the show version and features a soft on the inside, hard on the outside Aleksander with an emphasis on emotional hurt/comfort and angst. If you are looking for lots of hurt!Aleksander thoughts, then this story is for you. Mal exists but pretty much solely to cause Aleksander some angst. Don’t worry. It will be a Darklina ending.

Chapter 1 is a missing scene at the end of Ep 4, and Chapter 2 takes place alongside Ep 5 and then diverges from canon there.

Pairings: Aleksander Morozova/Alina Starkov, bits of Ivan/Fedyor

Rating: PG-13

Warnings: Grisha are oppressed in this universe, and I don’t shy away from showing the horrors of that. There may eventually be mentions of canon-typical torture (Fjerdan pyres), death of family members, and cruelty to Grisha children. It’s not the focus, but that backdrop is definitely there and comes up as characters discuss their past.

In this chapter: Alina learns the truth about Aleksander's identity and confronts him. Can their relationship survive?

Recommended music: P!nk Please Don't Leave Me

Chapter 11

The creak of the door opening pulled Aleksander’s attention from the maps in front of him. His men were following the Stag where the tracker had spotted it, in Fjerda, and there was no way there that wouldn’t endanger them. He trusted his power to protect them when he joined them, but they needed a sure plan to minimize any risk of running into the Fjerdans. The situation was stressful enough without worrying if Alina would cooperate willingly. He refused to let his mind go over the possibilities if she wouldn’t. He had to remain focused on the priority, which was assuring her safety. He had learned that lesson well. Amplifier first, details later. He was so distracted that he didn’t really look at who was at the door until they entered. He had expected Ivan with an update, but to his surprise, it was Alina. Perhaps she had come to her senses and had come to apologize.

“Were you ever going to tell me?” she snarled.

For a moment, he thought she meant about destroying the Fold, but something had dramatically changed in her from even earlier. The hatred in her eyes left no question as to what she meant. He stared in disbelief a moment, but he was sure. She knew his true identity. He wondered how she had found out, but it was a fleeting thought. To see her give him that look he’d seen so many times before, disgust mixed with hatred and fear … it stopped his heart. The entire world seemed to shatter around him as he realized all he was losing in that instant--Alina, not just her powers, no he would find a way to control those, but her partnership. The girl who always managed to surprise him and make him smile, she was gone, as was the girl who had dared to ever try to comfort him. Instead, she was replaced with someone possessed by the disgust and fear of so many who had come before her.

“So you could look at me like that?” he asked. “No.”

“Black Heretic! What? You said I could say it!”

What did she want him to say? Perhaps she was just so full of anger that she couldn’t resist screaming at him until she could not speak anymore. He shrugged. He did not feel like having this fight. He just wanted to close his eyes and realize that this was another nightmare.

“Was it all a lie then? An act for me? To manipulate me? The scared little boy who was overwhelmed with the ancestral guilt and shame of a mistake that happened hundreds of years before? You created the Fold. You isolated and nearly destroyed Ravka. You didn’t care about the people in the way you hurt because you wanted power. You’ve killed thousands with the Fold. You killed my parents!”

He wanted to scream back at her, to remind her who she was talking to. He never let anyone speak to him without reverence, but she had always been different. He couldn’t stand to let her think that. “It wasn’t all a lie. It was … as close to the truth as I could explain. If I had told you, would you have trusted me to protect you? To get you help with your power? To work together? I never meant … I didn’t want people like your parents to get hurt …”

“More lies! You wanted to make the Fold! You wanted to show how very powerful you are. You only cared about proving how strong you were, how much better than everyone else you were. Tell me, did you enjoy making people so scared? Did you cheer when you turned men into Volcra?”

“Who have you been talking to?” he hissed through gritted teeth.

“Baghra. You know, your mother. Left that bit out too, didn’t you?”

So that is what his own mother thought of him, that he’d plotted the whole thing and enjoyed the pain he caused. That rejection stung like a hornet, but he’d accepted his mother’s disapproval some time ago. It was the hatred in Alina’s eyes that tore him to the core.

“So you talked to Baghra and you know everything now, is that it?” he raged. “You know everything about that day? How it all happened? You’ve got it all figured out, have you? You. Know. Nothing!”

“Then tell me!” she screamed back, not backing down at his anger. She had never been intimidated by his authority. “If you wanted me to know your side then why didn’t you ever tell me?! We have been sleeping together for months, Aleksander. You had every opportunity to tell me! So let’s hear it. Tell me what it is you’d have me know!”

He raised his hands to cast darkness around her face. A small shot in her direction would be enough to temporarily deprive her of oxygen and knock her out. Ivan could resuscitate her. They’d keep her captive until they had the Stag, and then they’d use the amplifier to control her power. It would be simple, really. He didn’t need to have this conversation, but when he tried to pull his power to send her direction, he just couldn’t rid himself of the image of her comforting him through his nightmares. She was always so gentle with him. She never mentioned it again when he was out of one of his spells. She never looked at him with anything but love. Until now. He couldn’t bear the thought of losing all of that forever. But what choice did he have? What path didn’t lead to more pain? She would never forgive him. The hate and disgust would never leave her. His head couldn’t shake those brief moments of heaven she’d given him in her arms. He couldn’t harm her, not even if he wanted to. There were no words to make her understand, and yet, somehow, he had to try. Slowly, he lowered his hands. Now they seemed more like they were begging her to stop her verbal attack than they were yielding what had almost been his physical one.

She seemed to realize what had almost happened, what he had stopped himself from doing for her, because she seemed softer now. “Just tell me?” she begged.

“Alina, have you never made a mistake? Thought you were doing the right thing to protect people, and then suddenly, everything was all wrong? You said you feared you would be the new heretic if you messed up. Well what do you think happened to me?! You listened to the accusations of an angry old woman who has always wanted me to be alone. Don’t believe her.”

“So tell me. If it was a mistake, then tell me. What happened?”

He swallowed. He’d never tried to talk to anyone about that day. How did he even start? “I didn’t create the Fold on purpose. To understand what happened, you have to understand what led to it. I was in so much pain …” No, he realized. He couldn’t just start with the mistake and say he had been hurting when he had a lapse in judgement. No, he had to go back, so she could truly understand, but that meant going back to Luda. “They …” The word ‘killed’ wouldn’t cross his lips. He couldn’t get the image of Luda, helpless, her arms tied behind her back, begging him for help as they … “She …” he tried again, but no more words would come. He saw them stab the sword through her heart. He yanked to free his wrists of the bar that rendered him helpless to use his power to save her. Oh how he had loved her. He’d tried to protect himself because she was bound to die sometime, but he hadn’t been successful. There was nothing he could do to save her. As many times as he saw this nightmare over and over again, nothing in it ever changed. He was helpless. And she died. Because of him.

A single tear slipped down his cheek. He tried to blink back the rest. He couldn’t let Alina see him like this, not now, not while she hated him. He had to pull himself back together, but he found that without the anger, he was left with only pain that he could not control. Without the monster he unleashed to send darkness to protect him, he was vulnerable and hurt … and he couldn’t let her see …

More tears were falling. He could not erase the image of Luda’s anguished face … until it became Alina’s that they were about to murder in his nightmare.

Alina reached out and caught his arm. It was only in that moment that he realized that he was hyperventilating the way he did when he awoke from his nightmares. He couldn’t catch his breath. His throat was swelling shut. He would lose control of the shadows next if he didn’t get himself under control.

“Aleksander?” Her voice was suddenly full of concern.

She’d used his real name. Not the Black Heretic, not you, not even Kirigan. Aleksander. He dared glance up and saw her eyes had changed. She was worried. About him.

He opened his mouth to speak, but he found himself frozen staring into her eyes. What could he possibly say to stop the hatred from coming back? He wanted to stay just trapped in this moment where her eyes actually cared again. But how? He was so petrified at the idea of losing … her … in any sense he was facing losing her, and he could not survive it.

“You’re trembling,” she whispered. She fully wrapped her arms around him. “Let’s just go sit down on the chaise. Okay?”

He was confused why she would show him kindness now, but as he couldn’t manage to get his emotions under control, at least not without unleashing darkness so strong it might kill half the creatures in the woods, he found he could do little more than nod. He would have done anything she asked in that moment, to keep her gentle touch on him. She led him through the war room to his bedchamber. Sitting on the chaise, he simply stared into her eyes. He wanted to memorize every detail of this look, so he could hold onto it forever after she hated him again. He found himself matching his breathing to hers as she often had him do after a nightmare. And then she released her light, her warmth to envelop them. After some time, seconds, minutes, an hour, he wasn’t sure, he found he could swallow again. “Thank you,” he finally managed to whisper while hopelessly praying that wouldn’t mean the moment was over.

“Let’s try again,” she commanded. “To be clear, I’m still really pissed at you, but I do want to hear what you have to say. Perhaps with a bit of the truth this time?”

He nodded, but he wasn’t sure he was any more able to fulfil her request than he had been before. “I’ve never talked about it with anyone,” he confided. “It’s never not been with me, every waking nightmare, but I’ve never tried to put it into words. Without the monster that growls at anyone who gets close and uses the dark to protect himself … I’m not sure the man who is left can talk about it.” He wasn’t making much sense, he realized, but he hoped she understood.

“Let’s try,” she insisted. “Aleksander, you’ve lied to me about who you are from the beginning. How can you expect me not to believe Baghra’s version if you won’t tell me yours? I want to know if you’ve just been manipulating me this whole time or if … if …”

“No!” he gasped. How could she think that? “What I felt for you was always real!”

“I cannot truthfully return it if you are hiding who you are from me. So tell me. What drove you to create the Fold? If it wasn’t for power and control, then … what?”

He took a deep, shaky breath as he tried to think of where to begin to help her truly understand. “They were hunting Grisha, burning us on the pyres. Nowhere was safe. Ravka, Fjerda, Shu Han, they were all the same. Grisha were tortured and killed everywhere. We fled from one location to the next. My entire childhood. Once, they burnt … he was … I thought we could be friends if we stayed--he was just a child like me … right in front of me. I can still hear his screams. And the cheers of the otkazat'sya as he burned. Baghra said we couldn’t flee until it was over or they would suspect us. And then when it was clear, we would move on. But the king … when he discovered my powers, he thought I could have a use. Win his war. And I thought … I thought if I could show him that Grisha could be useful, could be allies, then he would stop the killing of Grisha. That I could help keep Grisha safe.”

“But that didn’t happen.”

“I won his war, but then they came for us to kill all known Grisha. All, Alina. They wiped out entire villages. Women. Children. It was my fault. I know now. All of their deaths are on me. I brought more attention on us. I should have known the king would never trust Grisha even though I was loyal to him. Luda … she was … my … lover? That word doesn’t seem to cover it. I loved her. I tried not to, but I did. They came for us. Shot me full of arrows over and over again. And then again. They think that Grisha cannot feel pain, but mortal wounds still hurt the same even if they do not kill you. Those scars, I still feel them. She … she … she …” He took a breath and focused on Alina. He had to stay focused on the now and not get lost in the nightmare again. She grew the warmth of her power to calm him so he could continue. Her sun could always soothe his darkness. “They killed her right in front of me. To punish me for being what I am. Hands bound behind my back, I was powerless to protect her. She was a healer. She was good and caring. She never harmed anyone. And they slaughtered her. Because of my stupid mistake of believing that people might accept us if we helped them. Because of me. Her death is on me.”

“And that’s the nightmares?”

He nodded his confirmation. “Sometimes the nightmares are of her death. It’s worse when they are of yours. I created the Fold because of the pain I was in for what they did to her. They would have kept coming until we were all dead. It was going to be genocide of our entire people. I needed something to defend us. I had never imagined the Fold. It wasn’t what I wanted, not what I was trying to make. I wanted an army to defend us, to protect Grisha so no one else would have to feel what I felt! What Luda felt when they ran a sword through her just for being Grisha. But the Fold came out. It was a mistake. Baghra warned me that Merzost is unpredictable, but I had no other choice! I couldn’t stand by and watch all Grisha die as she wanted me to. I didn’t know … I didn’t know any of it. But that doesn’t mean that I can’t still use it to protect us! It has protected us. How do you think I gained control of the Little Palace? We have a sanctuary for all Grisha! A terrible thing can still be used for our benefit.”

“Kirigan,” she said firmly. “We are destroying the Fold. That is my goal. A united Ravka. No more suffering.”

“Don’t you see, Alina? Don’t you get it yet? I created the Fold when they destroyed Luda. What will I do when they kill you? Because they already are trying. They attacked … Marie …” He still couldn’t bring himself to tell her the truth about Marie’s death. Surely just the attempt alone would help her understand. “Your power is more than anything they have ever seen. They won’t let you simply be with that power! Without the Fold to protect us, what will stop them? Zlatan will not stop until he has your power or you are dead. If I kill him, then the Fjerdans will come for your power and kill you. And then what monstrous thing will I do? Will anyone survive my reaction to that pain? Because I love you a hell of a lot more than I ever loved her, and …”

And there it was. Out in the open. Of course, she knew he loved her. He delighted in making her feel loved and special after so many years alone. Still, he hadn’t meant for her to know how very deeply she owned his heart. There was no taking back the words now. “I’m scared of what I will do if I lose you,” he admitted. In any form, her death or her abandoning him. He’d grown too close, let his heart get too attached. He knew better! Love only ever resulted in pain. “It could be the end of Ravka.”

She stared at him a long while, not responding, simply … scrutinizing him. He held his breath, hoping he hadn’t frightened her with his revelation. It hung heavily in the air as he waited for her reaction. “I just don’t know how I can trust you. Are you manipulating me just now? It seems real, but … after talking to Baghra …”

He grabbed her hand and pressed it to his chest so she could truly feel him. He called to her power, but she tried to stop her power from responding to him. “I love you! You can feel that, Alina.”

“I don’t trust myself to be able to tell with you anymore.”

“You’re angry that I lied,” he whispered. He understood that. “So punish me, Alina. Punish me however you deem fit, but don’t leave me for being afraid you’d run from the truth. Please. Please don’t leave me.”

“Baghra told me to, you know. To run, to never look back. She had a way out for me.”

“But you didn’t,” he whispered, realizing she had chosen to come back to him. Ivan hadn’t hauled her in for running. She hadn’t even tried. “Why?”

She was quiet for a long moment. “I am Grisha. You’ve taught me that I can’t hide who I am. If I ran, went into hiding, concealed my power … no, I couldn’t go back to that, to not sleeping, not eating, not being myself.”

“I see.” He chastised himself for hoping he might have been a part of that reason. “And us?”

She opened her mouth to speak several times before she finally sighed in frustration. “I’m sorry. I’m just really struggling to deal with knowing that the man I fell in love with isn’t even real. The love for that man is still there, but he doesn’t exist.”

“Is who I am so vile that you can no longer see the man you love now that he has a name? A past?” His face contorted in anguish at her rejection. His eyes filled with tears again; his muscles quivered with the effort of trying to blink them back.

“I just don’t know what, if any of that, is real!”

“I’m real. We are real. I never faked any emotion with you. I just … if I tried to tell you a story about my past, I had to alter it so it would make sense with what you knew, but … I wasn’t manipulating you, Alina. I … this, us, happened so much faster than I expected. I was enjoying letting you in.” It had been stupid, but he had let it happen.

She shook her head. “I don’t want to hurt you, Aleksander. I want to trust you. Trust must be earned, especially after all you have hid from me.”

“We have eternity for me to earn it back,” he whispered. “If you will give me the chance. I will try, every day, forever, to show you that I am worthy of your trust if you will just give me that day with you.”

“Eternity?” she gasped, shaking her head. “You, but me?”

He tilted his head and looked at her with curiosity. “Had you not realized? Power is what determines a Grisha’s lifespan. I told you that. Your power rivals mine.” And the amplifier would get her there.

She shook her head. “I don’t … I’m not …”

He squeezed her hand. “You are so much more than you realize you are.”

She looked into his eyes and stared there a long time. She seemed almost lost in the blackness there, but finally she nodded. “I will give you the chance to prove to me that I can trust you. I do understand why you wouldn’t introduce yourself to me as the Black Heretic from moment one. You’re hurt, and ashamed, and broken, even all these years later. Don’t try to deny that,” she quickly stopped him from speaking. “I’ve seen the real you, Aleksander. But that’s just it. If we continue this relationship, it’s with Aleksander. No more lies. No more manipulations. You let me see the real you. I get to know you again, the real you. And, together, we decide on the best course of action. Together we fight the darkness that I can feel tries to overwhelm you. Together we fight to protect Grisha and Ravka. But as partners. I will not be your pawn.”

He nodded. What choice did he have? It was terrifying to let her in like this, but she had seen glimpses of who he was inside, when he let his guard down. If he refused, he would lose her for certain, and that was the most terrifying option of all.

“We’re agreed then? No more secrets? No more manipulation? Because if I catch you trying to manipulate me again, we are done.”

“I’m not very good at that, Alina,” he admitted. “I’ve never … there’s never been anyone I could be fully honest with. Not ever. I’ve been taught to lie since the moment I could talk.”

“You’ll try,” she said firmly.

“I’ll try,” he agreed, “for you.” He would do anything for her. “Please be patient with me, Alina. Hundreds of years, I’ve always lied to everyone.”

He began to think through what it might be like to share everything with her. It would be nice to be able to tell her the truth about his past, in his stories, to better explain his emotions, but he would struggle to not keep things from her, particularly when she wouldn’t like the truth. How many truths had he kept from her to protect her? Where should he even try to start to fill her in on the truth? Then he remembered what would probably irritate her worst of all. He closed his eyes and cringed. No, there was no way she could ever forgive him, so he couldn’t possibly tell her the truth about … But if she was giving him a chance to prove his trustworthiness and he continued to hide this ...

“Oh, I think you’d better tell me what that’s all about.”

“Alina …”

“Right now,” she insisted.

He moved his hand to his head and massaged his temple. Trying to figure out how to stay on her good side was going to be the end of him. And yet, he could not bear the alternative. No matter how he tried to manipulate things, if she could read his emotions so easily, she would eventually find out the truth. She was directly telling him she would not forgive further deceit. He had to tell her. “Very well,” he finally agreed. “As long as you are forgiving mistakes of the past.”

He strode to his desk, opened a lower drawer, and pulled out a large black box. He carried it back to the chaise in his bedchamber and sat it in front of her before opening the lid to reveal the letters from the tracker and her letters to him. They were rumpled from being read many times; the ink bled in a few places.

Alina gasped when she saw the handwriting, but then the anger clouded her eyes as she saw how many of them there were.

“How could you?!” she yelled.

“Alina …”

“You knew how much he meant to me! How it hurt me that he wouldn’t write back! I poured my heart out .... You let me think that he had abandoned me … so that I’d have no one to turn to but you,” she realized, her eyes turning on him with accusation.

“So that you would have nowhere to go but forward,” he clarified.

The sting of her hand slapping his face for the second time that day was enough to make him wince. “Alina, I really do not like being hit.” It made him feel like a child. He wouldn’t stop her, though. He knew he deserved much worse.

“How could you? How could you? You knew what that did to me. Didn’t you care about me at all? About my feelings?”

“I didn’t kill him out of respect for you,” he said coldly. “It would have been simple. Army accident, my army. But I couldn’t do that to you.”

“Am I supposed to thank you for that?” The anger was fully back, as he expected. But any forgiveness until he admitted this would have been false. He was stupid enough to want her to actually fully accept him, even when he knew that couldn’t be.

“You could thank me or you could just read your letters, Alina. Be glad I decided to give them to you. From the first one that I read it was obvious to me that he was holding you back. You would never let yourself move on as Grisha with him. I did what you needed.”

“You don’t get to decide that!” She shook her head with anger and opened her mouth to retaliate, but then instead started scanning the first letter.

“Keep them,” he whispered. “I’ll give you some space to read them if you wish.”

Her eyes met his. “You will fetch him for me at once.”

Of all her reactions, he had not expected that one. He stared at her dumbfounded.

“Mal,” she clarified. “Don’t tell me you don’t know where he is. I know better now. You will fetch him at once.”

“And you think that’s a good idea? Putting me, you know what I’m capable of, in the same place as your, what? You think that’s going to go well?”

“Aleksander, if you want a relationship, it must be a partnership. I am allowed to have friends. I won’t be involved with you trying to seclude me anymore. You feel very alone, but that does not give you the right to make me feel alone.”

“I let you have friends,” he stubbornly insisted. “Friends who lift you up--Nadia, Marie, Genya.” Okay, one of them was dead and one was his spy. It seemed an inappropriate moment to bring that up, and she was continuing her tirade anyway.

“If we are going to make this work, then you will find a way to control your anger and those impulses to manipulate. You will let me talk to Mal, uninterrupted. And if you don’t agree with that, then let’s see how your shadow magic matches against my sun as I try to leave!”

She was calling his bluff. He couldn’t do that to her and she knew it. “And what happens when he makes you realize you truly have been sleeping with a monster?”

“Then I tell him to shut up because he doesn’t know what he’s talking about. You have to trust me enough to handle that.”

He stared into her eyes and wondered if this would be the last time she’d talk to him civilly. Mal would tell her that he’d tried to get to her, and he’d stopped him. Mal would make her fear his dark “shadow magic.” Mal would tell her to get away from him, but she had already directly told him that if he opposed this, he would lose her. Oh, he would win the power test. Her natural talent was strong but he had the experience. Having control of her power would not change her heart. Ever. If he let her have as she requested, was it possible it wouldn’t go the way he imagined? It was worth the risk. “As you wish, but remember who you are. You are Grisha, and he is nothing.”

=======

Author Notes: I do hope you enjoyed this chapter. This is actually the very first chapter of the entire story that I wrote many months ago and that inspired the whole thing. What if Alina had bonded enough to Aleksander that she confronted him when she learned the truth? What if Aleksander had bonded enough to Alina that he actually let her behind his walls and was willing to open up to her with the truth? How would they get there? Where would they go from there? It's my favorite scene, and I hope you enjoyed it too.

I'm sure people will ask if she's actually going to meet with Mal. The answer is yes, but don't worry. There will be no lusting after Mal here. It's Aleksander's POV. Mal isn't even on screen. Aleksander has no desire to see that crap, I don't want to write it, and you (probably) don't want to read it. It seemed important for me to let Alina realize for herself that Mal is bad for her (and she will). This Alina has had a bit more time to develop her self-esteem and she doesn't feel as tricked by Aleksander and shamed by Baghra's words. She's seen enough to realize there's more to the story. The next chapter is sad-puppy-eyed Aleksander angsting over Alina. You will definitely want to cuddle him.

#aleksander x alina #alina x aleksander #aleksander morovoza #kirigan x alina #alina x kirigan #general kirigan #the darkling #darklina #alina x darkling

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battlestar-royco · 3 years

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IT'S BEEN 84 YEARS. LET'S TALK ABOUT NETFLIX'S SHADOW AND BONE.

8.7/10 ⭐️

spoilers for everythingggg under the cut! i'll be discussing its merits as an adaptation vs as a show, characters and plots, and the overall aesthetic and magic/world.

SHOW VS ADAPTATION:

i say this as someone who knows all the books very well and has been in the fandom for nearly a decade, so i'm biased. but. s&b functions better as an adaptation than as a standalone show. alina's plot moves so well, and satisfyingly renders so many iconic scenes and sites from s&b. the worldbuilding is also pretty easy to fall into, with a forgivable amount of voiceover/infodump. and, hurting budget aside, i mostly liked this visual interpretation of the gv.

(sidebar: the in-universe racism... doesn't work. i tried to view it in good faith but imo it was very heavy-handed. if it was framed like, "wow it's a SHU WOMAN saving the world!!!" it might've been better, but it's just racism without recompense. and it's a terrible look to make other characters of color racist. i just. why?)

as for the crows, however... i'm just not sure how strong they'll be for new viewers? i totally understand why they were included, and i really like certain connections the show made between the two series. it was a great decision to introduce the druskelle in the first Cut scene, and showing nina as a ravkan spy.

the new crows stuff felt in character, but i think the show is at its height when it sticks to the books. the first couple episodes switching between tgt and proto-soc gave me whiplash, but luckily it got more organic as it progressed. if i didn't know and love all the crows before going in, i wouldn't be that invested in them based on season 1. aside from a couple fantastic scenes, it really felt like the writers were trying to make fetch happen for like 4 episodes before they figured out what to do with everyone. plus, ravka is such a different vibe from ketterdam--tonally, sartorially, technologically, etc they didn't totally feel like the same world. it was pretty jarring. although i prefer the duo to the trio, s&b is alina's story and she is That Bitch who walked so the crows could fly. so i didn't hate their inclusion but the shoehorned content did at times disservice both plots, imo.

CHARACTERS:

way too many, which is yet another consequence of smushing everyone into one season.

MAL/ALINA/DARKLING: first and foremost, and i PROMISE i'm not saying this just to be a hater, but there needed to be less malina. i'll be the first to say that show!mal really has what book!mal wants. the new pre-fold scenes were so good. li and renaux have amazing chemistry, and their laughter over stolen grapes was a highlight. his stag plot was also good. THAT SAID, there were way too many keramzin flashbacks and malina parallels like.. 🤢🤢why do they want us to love mal so much. for what. they only needed the teacup scene but they clearly thought they were doing something with micro-aggressions and that meadow shot they showed like 6 times. knowing mal's original character, and how they scrubbed his show counterpart almost to the point of flawlessness, he's just never going to be my fave even though i do respect what they did with him. also, why were there like 5 fake deaths for this dude? boring.

the darkling was great. ben barnes knows what the fuck he's about, and he funneled manipulation and charisma into every scene. as for the backstory: at first i really wasn't feeling it, but i eventually did warm up to it and i'm so glad they showed it because oh god the cut and the creation of the fold were SO FUCKING ICONIC. also, love love love the baghra development. WE LOVE TO SEE OLD WOMEN/MOMS WHO AREN'T "EVIL"/"CORRUPTED" BY THEIR MAGICAL POWERS!!!!!!! BITCH! it didn't have to be 12 minutes long though.

i honestly don't have much to say on alina. jml was excellent in her role and very true to the book. without her book narration she feels much more consistently written.

TRILOGY CHARACTERS: i really felt the lack of genya and zoya. genya's character and actress are perfectly layered and effective, even though their roles are relatively minor. i'm so looking forward to her razrushost moment, but i wish they'd laid more groundwork for it. (and i hope throw out the wig and just dye her hair next season.) also like. WHY KEEP THE IRRELEVANT MEAN GIRL/DARKLING THIRST PLOT FOR ZOYA??? AFTER ALL THE EFFORT THEY PUT INTO IMPROVING MAL? they sacrificed so much for malina at the expense of other characters. finally, it was interesting how they decided to kill marie. i love the tailor magic flex. but also they clearly just did that to emotionally manipulate us and connect the crows so. hm.

CROWS: speaking of! the crows storyline felt a little like filler. honestly i wish they waited to roll crows into later seasons. i'd prefer little foreshadowings about them, a la the druskelle cameo or the references to nina and matthias. introducing the crows so soon makes the ice court heist feel less special. the recruitment was super tight and pragmatic, so this felt a little fluffy/fanservicey. kaz also comes off as sooooo old again. especially without the vulnerability of his book counterpart, he just seems like a 40-year-old in a 20something body.

i was pleasantly surprised to find jesper my favorite crow. like wow.... second amendment rights for jesper fahey only!! i like all the crows but book!kanej are my faves by a long shot. they felt a bit stiff tbh, like the actors were a little uncomfy with each other and/or their exposition-heavy lines. however, the one scene that felt EXTREMELY kanej to me was when they killed that dude in the church holy fuck oh my god. WE STAN AN ANGSTY BATTLE COUPLE WHO ARE BOTH DEAD INSIDE. highlight for sure.

and i actually kinda loved helnik? i know helnik is controversial for very valid reasons, but i thoughy their dynamic was fantastic and they were among the strongest performers. it was much less overwhelming than the constantly interweaving kaz/inej/jesper imo. they need to fire their location scout though. those green screen mountains and beaches were um. interesting.

aesthetic and magic:

i really hope they get a bigger budget for costumes, cgi, and sets next season! the keftas are serviceable, but they look a little cheap at times. i will also never forgive ANY of the crows' hats. it's mostly just a personal aesthetic thing but god i fucking hate them. the darkling was best dressed, but in general i liked the ravkan look more than the kerch. why were the crows always in the most elaborate getups? why couldn't they just chill in their waistcoats??? they never seemed relaxed in the way alina and co did; the clothes never felt worn or broken in.

favorite sets: the darkling's room, the crow club, all the grisha tents, the matthias/nina ship, the church where inej killed the squaller, outdoor fountain where they told the story of the black heretic. the lighting was almost always right for each scene, and there was so much detail in every one of them.

THE MAGIC WAS SO COOL! my greatest beef is alina's light--it often looked so fake, and it washed out jml. oftentimes it was fluorescent or blue, and it was used as a forcefield or orb. it's supposed to be sunlight bro. what is so hard about that? the darkling's magic looked good, other than the fold. i've always imagined the fold more like a huge black fog rather than a literal wall. so that was a bit game of thronesy, but not terrible.

and can we talk about the amplifiers? amplifiers are my personal favorite gv lore but season 1 barely gets into them. they never mention the bear zoya slew, nor do they establish the unique strength of the stag, sea dragon, and firebird. BUT THE ANTLER COLLAR FUSED INTO ALINA'S SKIN WAS SUPER DARK AND MACABRE AND I KINDA LIKED IT? ALTHOUGH I HAVE TO WONDER HOW TF IS SHE GONNA SLEEP???

if you made it this far, thanks so much! that's all i have for today.

#shadow and bone #shadow and bone spoilers

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the-pen-and-the-stethoscope · 3 years

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So while Six of Crows has been on my to read list for a while now when I saw that Shadow and Bone was coming to Netflix and realized they were all part of the same little universe I was like *rolls up sleeves* K guess it’s time to read five books in one month to prepare for this new series drop. (special shout out to @darklesmylove because it’s mostly your blog posts that convinced me I had to read this series...I give you this as a gift...)

And now I present to you (in the order which I read them) the events in the Shadow and Bone/Six of Crows books that made me go ABSOLUTELY FERAL (wow there’s a lot more of these than I thought there were).

- “The problem with wanting,” he whispered, his mouth trailing along my jaw until it hovered over my lips, “is that it makes us weak.” (unfortunately the last time I was seduced by the Darkling - NEVER AGAIN BAD SIR! But this was fucking hot)

- THE. FIGHT. OVER. THE. STAG. (Just...Alina not killing it, the Darkling is here, now he’s going to kill it. NOW ALINA IS IN FRONT OF THE STAG SAVING IT. NOW SHE WANTS MAL TO SACRIFICE HER. NOW THE COLLAR IS AROUND HER NECK AND NOW SHE’S UNDER HIS POWER AHHHHH) Bonus: “Shhhh. Quiet now, or I will let Ivan kill him. Slowly.”

- When Alina figures out the dream and TAKES THE POWER BACK!!! (yaaaaasss queen!)

- When the Darkling finds Alina and Mal in Cofton and that whole fight scene and her getting bit and then I had to WAIT UNTIL THE REST OF THE BOOKS CAME IN THE MAIL

- “From what I know of the Ice Court, whoever stole my DeKappel is exactly who I need for this job.” “Then you’d be better off hiring him. Or her.” “Indeed. But I’ll have to settle for you.” (I’m 50 pages in and in love with Kaz Bekker, someone help me)

- “Not just yet, Inej.” The rasp of stone on stone. Her eyes flew open. Kaz. (ugh my cold cold heart is awake and beats only for them!)

- Because I’ve been looking for an excuse to talk to you for two days. (literally like......)

- When Jordie and Kaz get tricked. (I mean all of Kaz’s back story but that was...ugh..........)

- It was because she was listening so closely that she knew the exact moment when Kaz Brekker, Dirtyhands, the bastard of the Barrel and the deadliest boy in Ketterdam, fainted.

- When Nina runs into the guards and the alarm goes off and I realize that I’m an idiot and OBVIOUSLY THINGS WERE GOING TO GO WRONG.

- WHEN INEJ TOUCHES KAZ’S FACE. His eyes were nearly black, the pupils dilated. She could see it took every last bit of his terrible will for him to remain still beneath her touch. And yet, he did not pull away. She knew it was the best he could offer. It was not enough.

- He slammed his fist against the window. “Do not speak my name.” Then he smiled, a smile as cold and unforgiving as the northern sea. “Welcome to the Ice Court, Nina Zenik. Now our debt is paid.” (like FUCK MATTHIAS GOT ME TOO. WHAT A GOOD ACT!)

- I have been made to protect you. Only in death will I be kept from this oath. It was the vow of the druskelle to Fjerda. And now it was Matthias’ promise to her. (OMGGGGGG)

- “This is going to sting a bit,” said the druskelle holding the whip. His voice was rasping, familiar. His hands were gloved. “But if we live, you’ll thank me later.” His hood slid off, and Kaz Brekker looked back at them.

- The sun was out for once, and Inej had turned her face to it. Her eyes were shut, her oil-black lashes fanned over her cheeks. The harbor wind had lifted her dark hair, and for a moment Kaz was a boy again, sure that there was magic in this world. (YEAH OKAY. AND THIS IS HIS LAST THOUGHT BEFORE DROWNING.)

- WHEN THEY STEAL THE TANK. THE TANK. AND THEN DRIVE IT THROUGH THE FUCKING TOWN.

- Nina on parem.

- “I will have you without armor, Kaz Brekker. Or I will not have you at all.” (SCREEAAAAMS. BANGS HAND AGAINST BOOK. DIES.)

- “Kaz knew the instant he made his mistake...in that moment of threat, when he should have thought only of the fight, he looked at Inej.” (asdlfkasgkjasglk;sdfjl)

- I’m going to get my money, Kaz vowed. And I’m going to get my girl. (YEAH BITCH!)

- When Alina first sees the Darkling while they are traveling the fold (I froze, I read it like four times, I couldn’t believe what was happening)

- When Mal suggests they go to that stupid party and then Alina actually agrees (I literally was like...well something bad is going to happen and I hate it here)

- When the Darkling shows up after Alina and Mal kiss. “Another otkazat’sya, Alina?” the Darkling mocked. (sdflkajd)

- “I can’t decide if you’re an idiot, or an idiot.” (ugh Nikolai, marry me)

- two pages later: “You’re a spectacular actor,” I said drily. “Do you think so?” he asked. Then he leaned in and whispered, “I’m doing ‘humble’ right now.” (FUCK ME)

- “I want to kiss you,” Nikolai said. “But I won’t. Not until you’re thinking of me instead of trying to forget him.” (Am I the only one who found this cute??? Why did Alina get upset??? Do I have Nikolai-colored goggles on??? Maybe...)

- When the Darkling came to Alina in her sleep and then PRETENDED TO BE MAL SO HE COULD HAVE HIS WAY WITH HER?!?!?!?!?! (ahhhhhhhhhh) “I missed you too, Alina.” That voice. Cool and smooth as glass. (AHHHHH)

- Nikolai stood up, his chair scraping loudly against the parquet floor. “When did you lift the blockades? How long have the roads been open?” (LSDAKLFSDLFDKASLDKLSKLKLL)

- “Not bad looking?” said another voice. “He’s damnably handsome.” Luchenko scowled. “Since when - “ “Brave in battle, smart as a whip.” Now the voice seemed to be coming from above us. Luchenko craned his neck, peering into the trees. “An excellent dancer,” said the voice. “Oh, and an even better shot.” (And then I damn near died.)

- There’s a whole three pages (that I will not re-type here) after they arrive at the Spinning Wheel of Nikolai just being *chef’s kiss* flawless. Some great lines include: “Everyone needs a hobby.” “I thought yours was preening.” “Two hobbies.” “Should I be offended that he doesn’t want to dine with us? I set an excellent table, and I rarely drool.” “What a filthy mind you have. I was referring to puzzles and the perusal of edifying texts.” “Last chance to run.”

- “Alina, I’ll be back to fetch you for dinner, but should you grow restless, do feel free to run screaming from the room or take a dagger to her. Whatever seems most fitting at the time.” (asldjkasl;dkfs;lkd NIKOLAI)

- Okay gunna skip ahead - you can assume any time Nikolai said anything I screamed.

- Nikolia’s second proposal (THE EMERALD!!! JUST HOW HE PUTS IT ON TOP OF THE WALL)

- Nikolai’s third proposal. Nikolai’s skin was warm, his grip gentle. I’d wondered if I would ever feel something so simple again or if the power in me would just keep jumping and crackling. (THIS is why he is perfect for her - no jolt of electricity, just warmth and comfort!!!)

- SERGEI!!!!

- When Nikolai gets fucking taken over by a nichevo’ya (I HATE EVERYONE)

- When Baghra sacrifices herself

- When we finally FINALLY find out what makes Mal so special (I mean....his tracking was OTHERWORLDLY I can’t believe people weren’t more fucking freaked out by him)

- “The Darkling marched on Keramzin.” (Literally screamed: “MY HEART HURTS.” I was crying. I nearly threw the book down. “BUT THE CHILDREN!” I say with my fists in the air. I am become a blade.)

- Nikolai visiting Alina while he is the monster and trying to make himself better (ahhhhh tears!!! THE EMERALD!!!) The words died on my lips. Nikolai turned my palm over and slid the ring onto my finger. (FUUUUCK. PAAAAIN.)

- When Nikolai comes back and FIGHTS FOR THEM IN THE FOLD!!!! HE MAY BE A MONSTER BUT HE IS NOT THE DARKLING’S MONSTER, BITCH!!

- “Please,” I sobbed. “Bring him back to me.” (lkadsflkj this was actually devastating even though I’m not a huge Mal fan)

- “We need more light,” he said. A choked laugh escaped me. I held up my hands, pleading with the light and with any Saint who had ever lived. it was no good. (UGHHHH. MORE PAIN.)

- Tamar sobbed. Toyla swore. And there it was again: the thready, miraculous sound of Mal drawing breath. (and also the first time I breathed for an entire chapter!)

- “Alina,” he said and kissed the scar on my palm, “I remember everything.” (Literally the last like twenty pages of this book I just gave up and was like actually Mal is adorable and I need to protect him at all costs.)

- “Really I just wanted to look at the words.” (ughhhhh)

- Once a man arrived with a fleet of toy boats that the children launched on the creek in a miniature regatta. The teachers noted that the stranger was young and handsome, with golden hair and hazel eyes, but most definitely off. He stayed late to dinner and never once removed his gloves. (NIKOLAI SIGHTING IN THE EPILOGUE MY HEART GOES ON)

- When Van Eck thinks Kaz is coming to get Inej and then he tells Inej and then she is WILLING HIM to not show up and then it is revealed he wasn’t there all along (BOOM BITCH THAT’S HOW KAZ BREKKER FUCKING WORKS.)

- “Those were my mother’s favorite flower.”

- “Why the net, Kaz?” I couldn’t bear to watch you fall. (POETRY OKAY?)

- Jesper and Wylan going to see Wylan’s mother and just fucking everything about that chapter.

- When Inej almost FALLS INTO THE FUCKING SILO AND IT’S THE END OF THE GD CHAPTER

- “Pick up the pace,” Kaz said, eyeing his watch. “If I spill a single drop of this, it will burn straight through the floor onto my father’s dinner guests.” “Take your time.”

- “We’ll fight our way out together,” Inej whispered. Nina glanced from Inej to Kaz and saw they both wore the same expression. Nina new that look. It came after the shipwreck, when the tide moved against you and the sky had gone dar. It was the first sight of land, the hope of shelter and even salvation that might await you on a distant shore. (AHHHHHH)

- Wylan’s first thought was that this boy had the most perfectly shaped lips he’d ever seen. His second was that his father had sent someone new to kill him. (Wylan you are so adorable it’s adorable)

- Inej was moving before she thought of it. She couldn’t just watch him die, she wouldn’t. They had him down now, heavy boots kicking and stomping at his body. her knives were in her hands. She’d kill them all. She’d pile the bodies to the rafters for the stadwatch to find. But in that moment, through the wide slats in the banister landing, she saw his eyes were open. His gaze found hers. He’d known she was there all along. Of course he had. He always kew how to find her. He age the barest shake of his bloodied head. (THESE TWO!!)

- “My leg! My leg!” “I recommend a cane,” Kaz said. (cackling)

- When Sturmhond (aka Nikolai ***swoons***) showed up in Crooked Kingdom. (What actually happened: me reading a description of a “fox-like” man with Genya and Zoya and screaming and saying to myself “OMG WHEN I TURN THE PAGE IT WILL CONFIRM THAT NIKOLAI IS IN THE BUILDING I CAN’T” (did I mention I’m in love with him??? already??? k))

- When Jesper and Wylan FINALLY kiss FOR REAL (this was a big chapter for me) This was the kiss he’d been waiting for. It was a gunshot. It was prairie fire. it was the spin of Makker’s Wheel. Jesper felt the pounding of his heart - or was it Wylan’s? - like a stampede in his chest, and the only thought in his head was a happy, startled, Oh.

- CHAPTER 33 - just everything, everything about the reveals in this chapter. The money being funneled to the Shu, not being able to trace even the RANSOM NOTE back to Kaz. WYLAN SHOWING UP!!!! “ARE YOU SURE THEY WERE PEKKA’S MEN?” !!!!!!!!

- “Do something,” Matthias growled at Kaz. “This is about to turn ugly.” Kaz’s face was as impassive as always. “Do you think so?” (bahahahahaha)

- Nina’s just complete glee over the chaos she creates!!! “She was the Queen of Mourning, and in its depths, she would never drown.”

- Jesper using his fucking power!!!!!!

- She stared up at him. He was going to miss that look of surprise. (HE’S GOING TO LET HER GO. HE KNOWS HE IS GOING TO LET HER GO.)

- KAZ’S PLAN BECOMING CLEAR IN IT’S BRILLIANCE AS EACH CHAPTER GOES BY.

- Inej frowned. “I thought you and Nina chose four outbreak sites on the Staves.” Kaz straightened his cuffs. “I also had her stop at the Menagerie.” She smiled then, her eyes red, her cheeks scattered with some kind of dust. It was a smile he thought he might die to earn again. (AHHHHHHHHHHHHH)

- “A sedative,” said the medik. “Is that safe for a pregnant woman?” “For me.” (This is just FLAWLESS in its depiction of people who don’t do OB care regularly.)

- Matthias saw the anger there, the rage. He knew it well. But he was still surprised when he heard the shot. (NOOOOOOOO!!!)

- “Has she at least done it before?” said Kaz. “For this purpose?” asked Sturmhond. “I’ve seen her do it twice. It worked splendidly. Once.” (NIKOLAI I BEG YOU!)

- When Matthias DIES?!??! (I’M SORRY WHO LET THIS HAPPEN??)

- “You will meet him again in the next life,” said Inej. “But only if you suffer this now.”

- Wylan getting all of his father’s money because KAZ HAS BEEN PLANNING THIS ALL ALONG??!

- Jesper leaned in and said, quietly enough that no one else could hear, “I can read to him.” (alksdflk;jasfl;jkd that was hot)

- “Well hopefully the medik will be here to fix my ribs soon,” he said as he headed back into the parlor. “Yeah?” “Yes,” said Wylan, glancing briefly over his shoulder, his cheeks now red as cherries. “I’d like to make a down payment.” (OMG WYLAN?!?!?! IN FRONT OF MY SALAD?!?! IS THIS ALLOWED?!?!)

- At some point, Jesper realized Kaz was gone. “Not one for goodbyes, is he?” he muttered. “He doesn’t say goodbye,” Inej said. She kept her eyes on the lights of the canal. Somewhere in the garden, a night bird began to sing. “He just lets go.” (TEARS.)

- She felt his knuckles slide against hers. Then his hand was in her hand, his palm was pressed against her own. A tremor moved through him. Slowly, he let their fingers entwine. (I gasped so loud i literally woke my cat up from a deep sleep.)

- “Wait,” he said. The burn of his voice was rougher than usual. “Is my tie straight?” Inej laughed, her hood falling back from her hair. “That’s the laugh,” he murmured. (THAT’S THE LAUGH. THAT’S THE LAUGH. AHHHHH)

Okay done. Gunna go stare at the ceiling until tomorrow night/whenever I finally get King of Scars and Rule of Wolves in the mail (BECAUSE YOU KNOW MY SORRY ASS IS DYING AT THE THOUGHT OF TWO BOOKS ALL ABOUT NIKOLAI)

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a-la-la-llama · 4 years

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Aged Up Daminette Pt:2

This is a continuation of This post! I suggest you read it first before this one. This was amazing! Damian was actually having a pleasant conversation with a girl who saw him and only him. He didn’t have to worry about the ending of his legal name or the image that came with it, nor the weaseling of his pesky brother! For a good hour and a half, that was when an intoxicated Jason Todd thought it was a good idea to approach his favorite person. “Pixie-pop! I didn’t see you till now! Is he causing you any trouble?” Marinette giggled as Jason wrapped an arm over her shoulder and looked at his brother with a smirk. “No Jay, Larry actually sent him over!”, flicking to the pink straw in her drink indicating the bartender thought Damian was safe. It was the little safety indicators like these created by Larry and Alice that kept her coming back. “What was he thinking! Sending Demon Spawn over here, he could have killed you!” Jason was livid, there was no way he would ever trust his youngest brother to be around her. Marinette crossed her arms and leaned against Jason, facing Damian, “So you're the ‘Demon Spawn’ Jason's always complaining about?” Damian wanted to kill Todd that very second, he had a legitimate chance with this girl but it was all thrown down the drain by his loudmouth brothers.

“What did you say, Todd?”, he seethed hissing out the words while glaring at said brother. Damian was greeted by a cheeky smile, “You know, even if I could remember I wouldn’t tell you. I’m usually black-out drunk when I start spewing things about my life.” Marinette giggled and pushed herself out of Jason’s embrace, “And that’s also when he likes to start fights!” Damian scowled, that wasn't fair, he wanted a hug too! “I always have valid reasons though, I’m not some brute!”, Jason defended himself. “What about when you broke a barstool on someone when they interrupted you and Larry trying to order a drink?” Jason retorted, “Okay, but-“ Marinette added more, “Or when you stole someone else’s shot and proceeded to throw them out the window?” Jason huffed, “But that-“ Marinette just continued, “Or when you stabbed that-“ Throwing his hands up, “Okay, Pixie-pop! I get it, you made your point!” She smirked now satisfied with the points she made. “Since Damian has someone to talk to now, I’m going to the bathroom!” She closed her sketchbook before sliding off the stool.

Damian turned to his brother once she was out of sight, “Now tell me what you told her, Todd!”, he all but demanded. “I’m not lying when I say I don’t remember. Now tell me what you're doing around her, of all people!” Jason asked, dropping his smile for a narrowed glare. “That’s none of your business.”, retorted Damian. “Oh, like hell! Pixie-pop is a literal angel and I will not let her be corrupted by the son of satan on my watch!” Tt, as if Damian would do anything to harm her, he did like the name angel, however. “Where are Grayson and Drake?” Jason stole Damian’s drink and chugged what was left in it before answering. “Grayson passed out and was picked up by his wifey and Tim is over there chatting up Larry about mixed drinks.” The two turned to stare at Tim who was desperately trying to understand the concept of a Galaxy Cocktail. “Fess up, what are you doing with Mari! I care about her more than you, so if-“ Damian did not stay sitting around to listen to the rest of Jason’s lecture, who had not turned around yet from looking at Tim so it was an easy escape. At the moment, Damian was on a search for a good spot to wait for the wonder of the girl.

Idly waiting on the edge of the dance floor, Damien leaned against a structure pole little ways outside of the bathroom. It was the perfect spot to wait, hidden by the crowd on the dance floor to hide from Jason but where he could easily catch Marinette without it being weird. That is until a woman along with a man walked up to him. Both seemed a few years older than him, most likely in their late twenties. “So you're the dude hanging around Mar-bear.” The woman was the first to speak with him, well more like interrogated. She had her arms crossed over her chest and was set in a staredown with him. He kept her gaze while answering, “Yes, and who might you be?” She gave a small huff, “I’m her honorary big sister! Let me tell you, everyone who knows her in this bar is not above throwing down and kicking ass for her!” Damian grew up with Bruce and Batman as a father; this self-proclaimed ‘big sister’ would not deter him from Marinette. “No need for that Alina, he has been nothing but nice!”, Marinette joined the conversation before Damian could even say anything snarky. “You never know Mar-bear! He could be just like that ‘nice guy’ Matt from last week. I’m just doing my duty as a big sister to protect you!”

The man placed an arm on the pouting woman, Alina, and smiled. “Sorry Marinette, you know how she gets. I couldn’t hold her back this time.” Marinette waved her hands in dismissal, “You don’t have to apologize Aven, plus this is Jason’s brother so he has it covered!” Alina raised an eyebrow to the new information, “Which one?” Marinette threw a thumb towards Damian, “This is Damian!” The couple, Alina and Aven, sighed. “Mar-bear, he has like three! Are you the smart one, annoying one, or the evil one?” Alina asked, turning her attention towards him. “ Hm. Drake is definitely the smart one. I could be considered an annoying or evil one. I’ve learned he refers to me as Demon Spawn, here.”, he all but grumbled out. Aven was the one to comment, “ No way! You’re like my favorite to get him to talk about. Dude, you do the craziest shit sometimes. Like when you stabbed Jason in the leg when you were like twelve after he ate your dessert. I could not stop laughing when he showed me the scare!” Out of all the stuff Todd could have said about him, he picked how violent he was. How was Marinette not running for the hills yet? “You got your work cut out for you then, Mar-bear here is a little fire-cracker, if you know what I mean!” Alina nudged Marinette in the side. “What?”

Marinette giggled at how stunned Damian looked, “Who do you think is Jason’s back up in fights, Dami?” As if summoned by his name, Jason popped up out of nowhere. “There you are Demon Spawn, we gotta go! Say bye to Pixie-pop cause it’s the last time you’ll see her on my watch!” Tim was there too, but was occupied with the hell-ish concoction he convinced Larry to make him. “No need, Jay-bird! Big sister Alina has this covered!” Said sister nudged Jason out of the group. “Hey! I met her first, plus, I fought that Matt guy last week when he wouldn’t stop hitting on her! I got honorary brother rights too!”, pushing Alina back. “ One, Marinette actually knocked him out, you just threw him outside. Two, I’m a girl and she’s a girl so it should be me! And three, this is your brother, that makes you biased!” Having a feeling this was going to go on for a while, Damian took the opportunity to grab Marinette’s hand and lead her further into the crowd on the dance floor.

“You know, you have to ask a girl to dance before you just take her away?” Marinette teased him along with a smile. “My bad, Angel. That was not my intention.” Surrounded by people, he stood in front of her and looked down. Damian realized why Jason’s nickname fit her, he had at least a good eight inches in height above her. He lifted her hand that he held up and intertwined their fingers, his hand was huge compared to her small, soft, and slim ones, and brought them back to their sides. “You brought a girl onto a dance floor but expected not to dance?”, she said between giggles. Now embarrassed Damian looked away and tried to excuse himself, “Ask my family, I don’t dance and I’ve got two left feet. It really isn’t my style either.” The giggles stopped and he could feel her body tense up through her hand. He turned his head back to look down at her again. “It’s Alright! I’m just teasing you, Dami.” Her smile didn't go to her eyes, was she disappointed? That caused a jab in his heart, she really had him in the palm of her hand. Screw it! Damian didn’t care, he’d do anything for her no matter where to keep that smile. He brought their joined hands back up and spun her before setting his free hand on her waist and bringing her closer.

Damian took back what he said, “I’d loved to dance, Angel. As long as it’s with you.” Taking a peek back down, Damian enjoyed the view he had of her blushing face. Best idea ever. He took note of how he could feel her lean into his chest and the way her voice vibrated against him, “Thanks, Dami.” If Damian had the guts, he would tease her and tell her how she was waltzing away with his heart with how adorable she is. Maybe, he should save that for the future? For now, he enjoyed their first dance together and hoped for his sake, the first of many. God, he sounded like Grayson! Marinette finally helped him understand Grayson’s words

“Wait till you have a girlfriend, Baby Bird! When you’re older you won’t be teasing me then, I’ll be teasing you!” Which he always responded with, “Yeah right! I’d never give into disgusting emotions like you. It’s a waste of my time.” Though, that might have been from living with the league. He was that kind of kid who despised romance. Oh, how wrong younger him had been. Good thing his Angel never had to meet the teenage version of himself. Hear stories, maybe? But meeting the hell-bent kid version of him would have been a nightmare. Damian knew if they had known each other then he certainly would have driven her away. Love never came his way until this day. He never imagined he would want to settle down with someone, let alone someone he just met. But everything felt easy with Marinette. It was familiar, felt normal, almost natural. As if they were destined to be with one another. She might not be feeling what he was, but Damian was determined to make this last. This was the farthest he had ever gone with someone and it had only been a few hours. Dancing as if there was no one else around him and Marinette, Damian decided he wanted this as his future.

Bonus!

Jason: “Tim! Are you recording this? I’ve never seen Demon Spawn dance!”

Tim: “There he is, spinning this girl round and round in circles. Hell must be freezing over!”

Jason: “ Dick is going to have a field day tomorrow!”

Alina: “Truce. We are totally working together to spy on their first date.”

Aven: “ Isn’t this technically a date?”

Alina: “Shut up, babe. That’s just the minor details!”

Jason: “Shut the fuck up both of you! I’m trying to get good blackmail here!”

People who said they wanted more in the last post!

@mystery-5-5

Well this was a 3:14 am! Next

#maribat #daminette #maridami #marinette x damian #damian x marinette #damienette #Aged Up Daminette

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metaphorewhore25 · 3 years

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Beach Rats (2017) & Why We Need More Movies Like It

There is a general underlying paradigm in society that “men do the looking and women are to be looked at” and Beach Rats (2017) is a movie that challenges that from its very first shot. The movie opens with an 18-something teenager taking mirror selfies in a dirty basement mirror. The camera pans over his very masculine features – his biceps, armpit hair, nipples, and the rest of his torso.

I was sold to the movie right there. Hardly do I see movies with such a focus on the male form. I have watched Eliza Hittman’s ‘It Felt Like Love’ (2013) which does the same thing from a teenage girl’s point of view but Beach Rats simply does it more and does it better.

I know that Beach Rats is a gay movie and hence the camera captures the perspective of a boy, not a girl, and hence may not exactly be called ‘The Female Gaze’ but it is written and directed by a cishet woman and frankly, I believe even that is a start when it comes to subverting the male gaze, flipping the camera and putting men at the centre, making them subjects of visual pleasure.

What Beach Rats does extremely well is this: It makes the audience uncomfortable.

And that is precisely why I loved it. In mainstream movies when the lead actresses are introduced by butt-to-lips-to-head shots, it doesn’t really make us uncomfortable anymore because it has become the norm. We’ve just accepted girls being captured in this way. We may even accept young, underage girls portrayed in a sexualized manner but focusing on men’s butts and forearms is sure to make us rethink what we are seeing on screen. Long idle shots of Frankie, the protagonist and his friends shirtless by the beach playing handball or just swimming, their chiselled dude-bro bodies taking up the majority of the screen is something we are quite unused to.

Even the scenes where Frankie is in his room and browsing a gay cam site on the internet makes us feel uncomfortable because we are simply more exposed to women doing these things like posing and pouting. It was quite fresh to see the white man become the one being looked at. It almost felt like revenge to me, like “You see this is how it feels to be constantly scrutinized or unnecessarily sexualized!”

I feel that we need to get more comfortable with the idea of male bodies presented on screen just as we are with female bodies.

However, I am aware that “Revenge” is not what women in the industry are going for, or should go for. Unlike the Male Gaze, the Female Gaze is much trickier to define. Simply objectifying men back will not do. We don’t want to revert the power structure, but rather deconstruct it.

Alina Gufran from The Swaddle says “While the act of objectifying a man through the eyes of a woman remains revolutionary, it ultimately lends itself to a very “male” idea of what the female gaze should be.” When women are handed over the cameras and the pens and the main roles, the product is often not just an objectification of men but rather a humane and emotional portrayal of both men and women as people.

Although, I would personally say that after years of having seen myself and the media around me through men’s perspectives, it is fun sometimes to objectify men and get back at the system.

I believe Beach Rats takes that extra step, by not only sexualizing men like some feminist revenge fantasy but also showing the audience vulnerability, emotions and honest intimacy. The camera zooms in on Frankie’s face a lot. He is often dreamy, confused or just melancholic. In the course of the movie his father, suffering from cancer passes away, he witnesses his younger sister getting intimate with a boy her age and his friends, although given hardly any dialogues are a key influence in his life as he often forced to fit in with them and arrange drugs for them which he steals from his father’s medicine cabinet. His friends are toxic and not at all empathetic as he often proclaims “These are not my friends” as a joke with an element of truth. All this while he is navigating personal conflict regarding his sexuality and suppressing his true self with his friends and family because he cannot fathom how they would understand.

During daylight hours, Frankie has to keep up appearances by maintaining a girlfriend but during the nighttime, he often goes on a website for gay men in Brooklyn and meets up with older men for one-night stands that are often fulfilling, but often also leave him confused.

The film is definitely voyeuristic but it also has its non-sexual intimate moments. There’s a scene where Frankie has to go masturbate before joining his girlfriend in bed because he can’t maintain erections in her presence. In moments like this, we can see his vulnerability as he tries to laugh it off or gets frustrated at his body quite often telling him something else.

My favourite scene I would say is when he decides for the first time to meet up with an older, more experienced man from the website and the camera shoots him preparing for the rendezvous in a very vulnerable and intimate way. Frankie is shown lifting weights to perhaps tone his muscles, trimming his pubic hair with a scissor and taking a shower and giving himself a thorough wash. I believe shots like this, give the character a very human feel and helps the audience relate to his insecurities and struggles that lie behind the muscular façade.

Admittedly, Frankie’s friends are only two-dimensional characters and used as props for plot development and often fall into the cliché dude-bro stereotypes. They are perhaps used only to flex their shapely bodies and contribute to Frankie’s inner conflict. They are not people, they are just cishet men in the movie. They are the ones we may call purely “objectified”.

The sexual politics are at one point even explicitly stated in the film’s dialogue when Frankie asks Simone (his girlfriend) if two men making out is hot. Simone says that two girls making out is no big deal and is obviously hot but two men making out is just gay. Reading into the subtext, the word “gay” here is used in the derogatory sense.

Of course, neither should be seen as “hot”. Homosexuality is supposed to exist in its own place, having an identity of its own and shouldn’t be co-opted by and for heterosexuals for their pleasure or entertainment.

But, due to the infiltration of the male gaze in popular media and a society that entitles men and suppresses female voices; women bear the burden of being unfairly sexualized. This same patriarchy socializes young boys and girls to view themselves a certain way, boys are taught not to be emotional and affectionate and are thus also disadvantaged by the patriarchy. I’m talking about things like “boys don’t cry” or “two guys don’t hold hands”. The movie shows the reflections of these through Frankie’s toxic masculine friends and sometimes even Simone.

Frankie feels like he’d never be accepted into the mainstream of society because of the same sexual politics that exist in the world and that Hittman is trying to deconstruct. It is perhaps due to the fact that Frankie cannot come out that the film is shot mostly in the dark and in dingy places.

Beach Rats is a fine example of a movie that shows us a strong, conspicuous alternative to the male gaze. It does one thing very well and it is depicting male bodies in a casual, real, vulnerable, sexy and overt way and we need more of that. We need more male body presence on the screen because we as a culture of people are so oblivious to it. It’s always “Ass or Tits?”, “Pear-shaped or Hourglass-shaped” and “Skinny or Thick” and all these labels that apply only to women’s bodies to an extent where we perhaps don’t even feel like male bodies are something to be gazed at in the first place.

“Men look for looks and women look for personality”. How often have you heard this? I am not trying to defy the evolutionary explanations which may explain things to some extent. But we as this highly intelligent species cannot be completely bound by merely evolutionary instincts. While The Female Gaze does incorporate emotions and intimacy, I liked how Beach Rats balanced out the emotional and the purely carnal. I am not saying we need more male bodies on screen in simply a sexual way. I want to see male bodies even in very mundane non-sexual ways just because I feel it needs to be normalized. Normalize focusing on the man’s body too in heterosexual romance films perhaps. Beach Rats was quite a refreshing watch despite its dark colour pallet because I was quite frankly amused to see what happens when the camera is reversed and allowed to linger on manly features. Perhaps through this, we may reach the ultimate goal of both men and women moving fluidly between the subject and object of mutual desire.

Posted originally on: https://rishikapandit.com/2021/06/08/beach-rats-why-we-need-more-movies-like-it/

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kiss-my-freckle · 3 years

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Bear with me on this rewatch. I kinda thought this episode was boring, but it had quite a few seeds for Rederina along with parallels and foreshadowing.

8x5 Rewatch: Fribourg Confidence

I’m gonna start off with Anne, since everyone is commenting about her. You basically have to follow his conversation with Vlad because she pushes Red back to 5x22 soundtracks. A simple follow along....

Dembe: Where are you going? Red: Clear my head, get some air.

Red: Bird watching is more than just birds, Cvetko. It's seeing ourselves in connection with the world in which we live.

♪ I don't know where I belong No I don't know But I've been hanging on For too long 'Cause no one really knows me, at all ♪ --Nobody Knows by Autograf

Red: Do we know each other? Anne: I don't believe so. Should I know you? Red: No, no, no. I was just curious if we'd ever met. Anne: I'm Anne. Red: Raymond. Anne: Well, now we've met. Red: Yes.

Red went to get some air. "She's in the very air you breathe." I'm expecting a resurrection for Katarina Rostova.

♪ You're on your own In a world you've grown Few more years to go Don't let the hurdle fall So be the girl you loved Be the girl you loved ♪ --Retrograde my James Blake

The world in which Red lives. He’s an old bird now.

How did he get here? Abe talking about his daughter. Rederina all through it.

Alina: Like father like daughter.

Like mother like daughter.

Red: I didn't know you had a daughter. Abe: I did once. But not anymore. Zoe: The two of you close? Red: It's complicated.

Abe: Jennifer and I are estranged. Now, I - I got those photos from her mother. Dom: I had to make do with photographs of Masha.

Abe: She and I agreed that Jen should live with her so she could have a life, a good life. An honest life. Red: God willing, Katarina's daughter will live a private life of quiet courage. Abe: But if you're right that my baby's a thief, go ahead. You may as well kill me now, 'cause I ain't got nothing to live for. Dom: You said it, chum. Look around here. You call this living? After I lost my daughter… I crawled… crawled into the wilderness like a mortally wounded animal to get as far away from the pack as I could, to… to run out the clock. Run out the clock and die. And If you came for a survival manual, you won’t find it here.

Abe: I never wanted this life for her. Red: I never wanted you to be.... like me.

Red: She's the first thing you think of every morning. Red: And every day, when you wake up, it will be the first thing you think about. Until one day, it will be the second thing.

Abe: Which is why I thought it best to stay away from her, even after I got out of prison. I cut ties. You can't imagine how hard that is. Dom: I loved that girl enough to let her go, which is more than you can say.

Red: For the purposes of this conversation, let's assume I can. Liz: I don’t know. With Reddington, I don’t assume anything.

Abe: Until one day, I walked back in. Not to be with her, you know, not to talk. Just... Just to see her. Kate: You can’t just stroll into her life after all these years. This is a mistake.

Abe’s girl.

Abe: Raymond, lay this at my feet, not at Jennifer's. She's just a kid. My girl. Red: Your girl. Abe: My baby girl.

Red’s girl.

Katarina: Take care of my girl, Sam.

Red: That's my girl.

And Ressler's, of course.

Red: Agent Ressler, how's our girl?

Yet he allowed the woman from Paris to stake claim.

The Woman: Me? I’m her mother.

Yet he allowed Tom to stake claim in the backseat in 5x8.

Tom: Liz, my Liz.

If Red can’t be Liz’s mother, then Liz can’t be Red’s daughter. Period. It cuts both ways. Alina and her dialogue. “The whole thing's sort of a double-edged sword, isn't it?” Yeah. That’s why this war won’t last. Liz is destroying both of them.

Some foreshadowing....

Abe: Now, wait... I told her that you were off-limits. I did, Raymond. Red: I flew 15 hours so I could look you in the eye and tell you what I told Rakitin - Elizabeth Keen is off limits. Sikorsky: And I asked you to fly here so I could look you in the eye and tell you I agree. For now.

Face value. “Look at our faces, your wife dies."

I like that they've got the husband sleeping with a pink mask just like his wife's, then they do a mirror shot like they do all the time for Rederina. Their Cape May hits are heavy in this episode. I have to wonder, given their references, if Red is gonna realize what's going on with Liz because of their Cape May- Ruin parallel. Funny too, given the way they opened this episode, the soundtrack. She wants to be your James Bond. "Are you telling me, like, what... Like, you think that I murdered a KGB defector, like I'm Bond? I'm Tom Bond, and I just, uh... between social studies and recess, I go around assassinating people. I had my job interview there, Liz, at the coffee shop." The woman who's acting just like her dead husband. The bird robber masks. And Red ends up birdwatching. They steal nothing but the flashdrive even though the box has stacks of cash. "Hey. It's me. Call Reddington. Tell him we got a problem." Yeah.... her name is Tom Bond. Red talking to Carl about how he overestimated his abilities. This hits back to Kate's arc. "As you well know, one of the keys to my success is a clear and consistent understanding of my own limitations. So often people overestimate themselves, misapply their gifts." Then the Hunter telling Red what Kate said to him. "She said you'd do this - understimate her."

“Hello, Peter.”

"Whoever robbed you knew where to look, and they didn't learn it from me. So... with all due respect, if there was a failure of security, it wasn't on my end."

Red technically failed Elizabeth. I was considering the note further. “Hello.” A nice hit to Cape May, but someone on Facebook pointed out a better parallel. Red dropping into Peter’s golden parachute, then dropping him from his plane. It sent my mind in so many directions. Howard faking his death with his plane. Red talking to Smokey about the difference between flying and falling. Atticus and Red sitting and watching the birds. Would you like to fly? I know I would. I think Liz plans to kill Red, but that plan will switch and something is gonna drop through her skylight. Add in Alina’s comment. "Drop the Mr. Wilke BS, and you might be home in time for dinner." Because it also parallels Peter. “Looks like we'll be able to drop you off in time for dinner.” As well as Tom in their Redemption pilot. Scripts for the spinoff are gone, so I can’t find the exact dialogue for that.

The very theme of this season is "finding" Liz. Because Red "lost" her. It's all a push back to her S2 memory wipe. That's why no one is supposed to find her until they actually find her as they’re supposed to. As I've been saying, she's reversing from Rassvet. That’s why part of me thinks the necklace in Red’s box might be purposeful. Red found Katarina, his former self in Cape May. Maybe Liz will find her former self in a Ruin parallel. I'm thinking perhaps that’s why they can’t get to Liz. Why they’re not supposed to. Liz has to find herself, and she’s doing it in this direction because fate wants her to. I’m gonna laugh if Liz goes from Red's deposit box, and the mark pushes her back to Tom's deposit box. That's where she found the envelope with the mark and her picture of Red at Sam's hospital. She's not Keen, she's Milhoan. Even possible Liz realizes Red is her mother while finding herself. I've often considered the idea of Liz learning Red's truth, and keeping it from the audience until the end of the series. Like perhaps she actually learns to keep a secret. At any rate, I think Liz will be “found” eventually. It’s all about that second memory wipe.

Red: Then she's gone. The thumb drive with her. Dembe: What will she do with it? Red: Nothing good.

The Freelancer: What does she need me to do? Skip: For now? Nothing. "You got caught in the rain..." The Freelancer: "And need to dry off."

Liz: Your daddy just always taught me to be ready for a rainy day. Agnes: But it's not raining. Liz: Aren't you too smart for your own good?

Again, the hit to Tom’s go-box in Liz’s vent. Talk about dialogues. You can see their direction. She gave the thumb drive to Cooper, and I’m all but guessing Alina will be repaying Red next week by recovering it. Quid pro quo. I think The Freelancer was Liz’s mistake, and they’ve hidden the danger he presents under their Sikorsky thumb drive storyline. Continue following along because Red is genuinely pissed and terrified at the same time lol...

Cooper: I suppose you also think that she's responsible for The Freelancer's release, which now that we're here and she's not, is guaranteed to happen. Red: I think she's not only responsible for it, I think it's what she wants. Cooper: That's absurd. Red: One day, Elizabeth steals millions of dollars from me, and next, The Freelancer has a brand-new expensive attorney demanding his release unless Elizabeth Keen magically appears in court. That doesn't strike me as absurd, Harold. That strikes me as unsettling.

Very unsettling. Liz had The Freelancer locked away in prison for 7 seasons, and Red just worried about Marvin betraying him for doing 3 years. jfc lol

Red: But before then - I fear she may do something that she can never recover from. And of all the tragedies that you and I have experienced together, that would be the most tragic. We have to do - do everything in our power to prevent that from happening.

Exactly what Red was talking about with Cooper at the end of 8x3. Her doing something she won't be able to recover from. The Freelancer will kill 60 people just to hide one murder. Liz just put Agnes in danger. Perhaps the point of Marvin’s set up. To show Liz’s naïveté" in the criminal world. Forget about the thumb drive... it’s The Freelancer Red worries about.

Cooper's hypocrisy. He lost Liz first after Aram already let her escape the post office. "And, Agent Ressler, let's keep this an internal matter. We can notify Reddington once Keen's safe and in our custody." Giving Red all reason not to share his intel. "So now you want my help. Harold has a unique definition of - halfsies. Tell him that I don't recognize anyone in the photos and that the next time he has actionable intel, I expect him to share it with me before it's squandered, not after." Sigh.... Cooper telling Panabaker everything after what he did in Kuwait. Shit is gonna fly.

Aram is getting better in the field, so there’s that. Their hit back to Garrick’s episode with Red’s story about handwriting. A Rederina hit with the handwriting. Rederina hits all over the place. Rederina with their Cape May hits, the Cape May warbler and Red’s Cape May id. The leader was a woman lol. Yeah... Red leads, they follow, but I think it’s funny Panabaker believes otherwise. “You don't find many swans swimming in the sewer.” How long will 41 million last Liz? The robber woman was paid 1.5 million. The coffee cups are getting insane at this point. All throughout. That’s what Tom’s dream scenario started with.

Basically, I’m expecting something serious to drop through Liz’s skylight and for Agnes to get hit... two things I’ve been predicting since S5 and S6.

Red: Under the greenwood tree, who loves to lie with me, and turn his merry note unto the sweet bird's throat. Cvetko: Nice rhyme. Red: Shakespeare thought so.

Red leaving his criminal empire behind for just a moment in a peaceful world. Becoming one with the birds, Anne chirping along with them. Red doesn’t get much time to sing... unless he’s torturing someone in the woods for a name in S3, then breaking out in campfire song.

#Anti-Tom Keen #Anti-Keen2 #Rederina

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ernestsinclairs · 5 years

Text

Test of Faith - Bryce Lahela x MC

Bryce Lahela x MC (Alina)

**Note: This story takes place a few years later, just so I could have everything work out.

“Here. I stole this from the obstetrics department.”

“Jackie, you didn’t need to,” Alina said quietly, quickly slipping the tiny box between a stack of patient charts and prescription pads. “I’m sure it’s nothing. We were careful.”

“Does Bryce strike you as the type of person who’s careful?”

“Well, I am,” Alina shot back with a quick peer around the corner to make sure no one was coming. Besides the regular call nurse filling out the round assignments while snapping for an espresso, it was empty.

“Look at me, Alina,” Jackie hushed. “I know you’re nervous. And I know that the senior residents sure as hell won’t like it. But I will. Whatever happens, I’m in your corner - and Landry too if he isn’t shy.”

“Thanks,” Alina said softly, taking one last peek at the nurse around the corner. “I know it sounds . . . hurried right now, but I appreciate it. Really.”

“I get you,” Jackie said. “Now go. There’s rounds in twenty minutes and I don’t need Dr. Mirani on my ass because you’re late.”

“Aren’t you ever the charming one.”

Pushing the box further into the mess of diagnostic papers, Alina turned the corner to the interns’ quarters, ducking behind the row of dressing lockers to slip into the bathroom unaccosted. The blond intern from pediatrics didn’t even look up, and Alina breathed a silent prayer. She didn’t need the biggest gossip at Edenbrook getting riled.

Her breath caught suddenly in her throat as her fingers pursed the little box open. The young Alina in medical school or college would have scoffed at such a situation, straight out of a late night drama pulling all the stops to not get cancelled. If anyone had told that younger self she’d once be hiding in the interns’ bathroom with a pregnancy test and a side of anxiety, she’d have laughed the messenger out of there.

Laughter no more. Now it was more like roils of nausea and nervousness.

A few minutes later, and Alina sat in the blinding fluorescent light of the stall, the little white test turned facedown on her lap. The sudden beeping of her pager faded into the background before, unable to bear it any longer, she clicked it off and threw it on the floor where it settled with a sad clang.

Another beeping started, this time from her phone. Five minutes of ignorant bliss was over. Fingernails clicked on smooth white plastic, a sharp breath pierced the air.

Positive.

Alina groaned, hiding the little lines in her palm and burying her head in her hands. Right when all the stars were falling into place, they wouldn’t be any longer. The last year of her residency should have been exciting, should have been hopeful. She’d finally be out of the tiny salary and shared rent, make some headway on those student loans, send some of that new paycheck home for her mother’s retirement.

And now?

She couldn’t deny the tiny thrill at the back of her heart, faint, but still there. Despite the new worries crashing down on her in a crushing maelstrom, the tiny spark of joy at the news still lingered. She - no, they, would be having a child. A little life of their own, bringing sleepless nights and laughter, exhaustion and parental joy.

It was time he knew. This secret wouldn’t keep itself, especially if Jackie knew. If she walked out to fanfare or the faces of shocked medical interns, she wouldn’t be surprised.

Crumpling the packaging and burying it deep inside the trash can, piling on paper to hide it, Alina gave a quick splash of cold water on her forehead, gasping for air. A sudden wave of anxiety overcame her as she studied her own face in the mirror. A worry line here, tired eyes there. Whether she was cut out for this, she didn’t know. She could only hope that Bryce’s unflappable self assurance would stay through this one.

“Alina?”

Bryce stumbled to a stop outside the operating doors, his mask still half off his face, hair still mussed one side where the surgical cap had pressed down on it. His weariness was obvious, the circles under his eyes, usually invisible under the sheen of pure enthusiasm and a carefree demeanor, were suddenly all too visible.

“I didn’t think you were scheduled to cut out someone’s lung.”

“I’m not,” Alina said, trying to purse her lips into a smile and failing.

“I just needed to talk to you about something. Alone.”

Bryce stared at her in silence for a few seconds, the tiny moments seeming to stretch out into a terrible eternity. Wringing her hands together, Alina could only feel the tiny plastic test in her back pocket growing heavier and heavier by the second.

“Is something wrong, Alina?” Bryce asked, whispering in her ear as he gently guided her away next to a spare gurney. “Is it about us?”

“Maybe? Yes? No?”

Looking around, Bryce quickly wrenched open the door to the supply closet they’d spent their first day in and ushered her inside. The comforting darkness inside ballooned up, and when the surgeon reached for the light switch, she caught his hand in midair and lowered it.

“I’ve always liked it this way.”

Alina paused, her mind wandering back to the little double lines tucked inside that back pocket.

“Never mind. Put the light on.”

The fluorescent light came flooding on, washing the entire space with a sterile blue sheen. The sudden wave sent a roil of nausea through her stomach and Bryce caught a hold on her forearm as she steadied herself.

“Alina, what’s wrong,” Bryce repeated softly, pressing his forehead to hers. Alina sighed, closing her eyes and luxuriating in the moment for a precious few seconds. Somehow, his cologne had survived six hours of surgery and the sharp tang of antiseptic. His hands traveled from her arms to her back, gently rubbing the tension out of them, and her skin tingled with a much needed warmth.

“Have you though about the future? About what it means for us?”

“We’ve had this talk,” Bryce replied, pressing a quick peck on her nose. “You know we’re spending it together. If . . . that hasn’t changed since I was in that OR that is.”

“It hasn’t,” Alina reassured, burying her face in the front of his scrubs. “Just a little twist.”

Bryce immediately straightened up, tired eyes suddenly alert.

“We’re not breaking-”

“No, we’re not,” Alina said, a tiny giggle escaping her lips before she could trap it. “I’d never think of it.”

Bryce relaxed, smiling sheepishly as he raked a hand through his hair, the silky brown popping back into the little flip she’d come to know and love.

“Do you remember our plans? The one you wrote up on a piece of paper that your roommate threw away?”

“I never forget things,” Bryce said, hugging her close again. “A little house just outside Boston. No more student loans. A diamond ring on your finger and a nursery.”

Pulling back, he gave her a tiny smile before leaning in to kiss her again.

Alina winced, gently wrenching her arm from his embrace and fishing around in her back pocket.

“That last one might be . . . a little sooner than we thought it was.”

Bryce blinked. For such a talented surgeon, he could be so incredibly dense.

With a shaky breath, Alina brought out the little strip of white plastic, her vision blurring until the two little pink lines became the only thing she could see. Apparently, it was the same predicament for Bryce.

“What is that?”

Alina could have slapped him. Four years of college, four more years of medical school, three years since starting an elite surgical residency all those seasons ago, and Bryce Lahela was simultaneously the smartest and most ignorant person she knew.

“Bryce,” Alina pushed, pressing the test into his hand. “You know what this is.”

He blinked, bringing the test up to his eye, then dropping it to the floor the second his jaw did.

“You’re pregnant.”

Alina stammered, a quick response suddenly failing to come out. She’d thought about this moment for countless nights, tossing and turning sleeplessly as her alarm grew more and more. She’d ease him into it first, she’d decided. Then they’d make a plan. Yes, plans always worked. This one would work too. But now, looking up at his shocked face and wide eyes, she wasn’t sure there would even be one.”

“Bryce, I know this was sudden, but I-”

“You’re pregnant.”

“Yes, I told you that. Look, maybe we just forgot that one night or-”

Bryce punched the air with an excited whoop, nearly knocking a supply basket of suture kits on top of them. Pulling her out of the way, he suddenly hoisted her up into the air, twirling her the best he could with the medical equipment cluttering the whole space.

“This isn’t a trick isn’t it?” Bryce asked breathlessly, all former signs of exhaustion gone. “Please tell me it isn’t.”

“Far from it,” Alina laughed, cupping his face in both hands and nuzzling his cheek. “I am.”

A wide smile broke out on Bryce’s face, no witty quips or self assured comments, just pure joy radiating out of that face. Laughing again, softer this time, he pressed a kiss to her lips, then another, peppering her with them until she couldn’t speak.

“Change of plans,” Bryce said after they had both calmed down. He was holding her gently now, different from the passionate force of the earlier years, and his hand lightly caressed her still flat stomach as if he was afraid of hurting her. “The plan starts now.”

“Oh god,” Alina fretted, hands flying to her face before Bryce lowered them. “We need a new place. We can’t split a baby between yours and mine, and we can’t have roommates. We’re both only residents, we need money. And we need to break the news and we-”

“Hey, hey,” Bryce hushed, tenderly running his fingers through her hair and kissing the top of her head. “Look, your residency’s shorter than mine. It finishes in a month, and Ramsey’s already got a job here and that fat paycheck lined up. We can save up enough before the baby comes.”

“And our place?”

“We’ll get one together. There’s that new condo opening up next month we can get. Trust me, we’ll be okay.”

Bryce kissed her one last time, holding her a few seconds more for good measure. “And I’ll be at your side the whole time.”

Alina exhaled in relief, her lungs flooding with sweet air as she let out the breath she hadn’t even known she was holding.

“Right,” she nodded, her hand already unconsciously flitting towards her stomach. “Together.”

“Now, how about we start getting the plan together,” Bryce teased, opening the door for her and escorting her out. “You seem to like them quite a lot.”

The couple continued to talk as they meandered down the hall, oblivious to the nurses cutting paths in front of them, the occasional bedded patient being wheeled to the OR, the ringing of phones as harried secretaries sought to catch them all.

“Here’s what I’m thinking,” Bryce said, hands in front of him as if he was taking a snapshot. “For a boy it can be Connor. Or Ryan. Or really whatever you want. And for a girl, what about those tree or flower names people are pulling? Rose or Holly or something else you think is nice.”

“You are going to have to wait a bit to see what we’re having,” Alina said, laughing giddily as a sudden wave of excitement hit her.

“Boy or girl, I don’t care,” Bryce said confidently as they turned towards the interns’ locker rooms. “If the baby has us for parents, there’s no way anything can go wrong.”

“If what has you for parents?”

The couple froze and Alina’s heart sank as she caught sight of Dr. Ramsey rounding the corner, equally frozen in place with a rare look of shock etched on his face.

“Nothing,” Alina squeaked, quickly sidestepping the senior doctor and ducking inside the interns’ quarters.

“Nothing at all.”

@teenytinymagician @regency-lady @tmarie82 @give-me-ernest-sinclaire @divergentofhogwarts @indiacater @queenlorelaiwalker12 @findingdrake @frugalchoicer @valenciajeff

#open heart #OH #open heart fanfic #open heart fanfiction #bryce lahela #bryce x mc #bryce lahela x mc #bryce lahela headcanon #bryce lahela headcanons #bryce lahela fanfic #bryce lahela fanfiction

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cheekygreenty · 3 years

Text

Little Witch - Part 19

The Darkling x Reader

You were fast asleep in the safety of your chambers, tucked into the comforting sheets and their warmth as the contrasting winter air blazed outside. You could hear a faint shuffle outside your door, guessing it was the rotation of guards you ignored it and turned in the bed, facing away from the door but stopped short when the door opened. You shot up, squinting in the dark to see who'd just entered your chambers in the dead of night. Talk about being vulnerable. The figure moved from the door and shut it but you heard the faint sound of the lock as it turned. Your heart started hammering in its chest as you felt your shadows coil around you.

'Did I wake you?' His voice was smooth and full, and through the darkness you managed to make out his glistening kefta. Your shoulders sagged in relief as you lay back down, shadows dropping and retreating.

'More like 'Did I scare you?' You relaxed back onto your side, eager to return to your slumber. 'I'm going back to sleep' you mumbled, the sound muffled by the sheets half covering your face.

You heard him taking off his outer layers then the thud of his boots as he disposed of them and walked towards the bed. His hands were absolutely freezing cold as he reached for your waist and pulled you into him

'You're so cold' You whined but he merely chuckled and pulled you closer. With a gentle kiss to your temple, Aleksander quickly dozed off right after you, enjoying a good night's sleep with you cradled in his arms.

*****

You woke and he was gone, the only sign left of him being the rumbled cushion and gloves on the nightstand. You stretched dramatically and dressed quickly, ringing for two breakfast trays to be brought to the General's war room. You carried stacks of documents in your hands, most of them boring and pointless, as you walked the short distance to his quarters.

'Good Morning' He was standing with Ivan next to the round table with his arms crossed, studying the Shu border with furrowed brows but relaxed them once he heard you enter. You dropped the papers on his desk with a sweet forced smile 'I come bearing gifts. Oh and breakfast.' Aleksander looked amused and sighed

'That's all Ivan, thank you.' Ivan only acknowledged you with a nod before leaving the room as instructed by his Commander.

'Thank you so much dear for leaving me with all your paperwork.' You slapped your hand against the messy pile 'I don't even know what half of it is'

'You'll learn in time I'm sure'

'If you think you're going to do that again you are sorely mistaken. It is possible to read whilst sitting in a carriage is it not?' As he went to reply, a servant wheeled in a table of breakfast trays and your stomach rumbled at the sight. You thanked them and uncovered your plates, mouth-watering at the sight of fresh fruit and pastries.

'You'd be sad to know there's no herring' You pretended to gag and his laugh echoed along the walls. What a pleasant sound.

'I think I'll manage' He sat down next to you and spooned extra sugar into his porridge. For a moment you ate in comfortable silence, enjoying your food.

'Why were you back so late last night?'

'I wanted to avoid the fleet of performers arriving for the fete. There's already a long line of them at the gates.' You hummed as you bit into the flaky pastry.

'What color are you wearing to it?'

'What do you mean?' You eyed him curiously as he lay down his teacup.

'What color kefta are you wearing to the fete?'

'I haven't thought about it yet. I have so many lavish ones I doubted I needed to have any more made' You chuckled 'Why do you ask?'

'I requested that Alina wear black'

Oh.

'And will she? I know she refused the first time.'

'I had Genya make sure of it'

'Oh I get it, is this your way of politely telling me to not wear black?' Your voice contained no anger or resentment. You had agreed to his plans and it would be petty of you to be upset now.

'No, you can wear it if you wish. It's always been my favorite color on you. I'm just letting you know' You took the napkin and dabbed at your mouth.

'Well the fete is tomorrow, I should decide quick.' You rose from your seat and took the mug of tea with you.

He was out of his seat by the time you fully stood and wrapped his strong hands around your waist, keeping you close to him.

'Don't be jealous, at the end of the day I come to you, not her.'

'I'm not jealous Your eyes whipped to his.

'No?'

'No.' You forced the sternness into your voice, solidifying the word but it only sent a smirk to his face. 'What are you smirking at?'

'I missed you' He crashed his lips to yours in brute force, knocking the air out of you. He was eager and greedy, wanting you to himself. You let yourself indulge, holding his face in one hand while the other still held the mug of hot tea.

'I have to go Aleksander.' You pulled away and he pouted, like actually pouted. He looked like a big baby who'd just been denied dessert and it ingrained in your mind. The adorableness filling your heart full for the rest of the workday.

*****

'Saints can I ever catch a break.' You groaned with your head in your hands.

You wanted to run and escape to wherever was quiet and peaceful, where you would be left alone for at least 2. fucking. minutes but no, the people of Os Alta and its performers were ready to watch you rip out your hair from frustration. The Queen's messengers were drilling a hole through your head and your Grisha demonstrators were throwing a huff about their limitations 'Don't light anyone on fire' was simple and reasonable, so why were the Inferni fussing about it?

'Saint's whats wrong with you'

'Zoya I don't have time for this right now.' If Grisha never got sick, then why was there a headache forming in my head?

'Just here to pass along a message-'

'-who isn't' you scoffed

'-let me finish, it's about Alina's double for the dinne-'

'Let the General deal with that. I'm at my wits end here.'

'But I don't want to tell him, hence why I came to you.' She sat down on the chair next to you and huffed.

'Put on your big girl breeches Zoya. I'm really not in the mood.'

'Must you always be so rude?'

'Oh my Saint's you're one to speak'

'But I'm never nice so there's the difference.'

'Are you still here just to berate me?'

'Is there something you want me to do?' Although she was rude, Zoya showed her kindness in other forms.

'Can you speak with the head of Palace guards and go over security breach protocols? I don't want to risk anything with so many foreign dignitaries in the building'

'I would love nothing more.' She sarcastically said and left you alone. It wasn't long before you accidentally dozed off in the midst of all the chaos.

------

Part 20

Taglist (tell me if you want to be added to the Little Witch taglist!!) @theonelittleone @searching-for-gallifrey @0-artemis @lostysworld @xceafh @fire-in-her-veinz @patdsinner33 @cleverzonkwombatsludge @wizardwheezes @aleksanderwh0r3 @tomhollandisabae @hotleaf-juice @justmesadgirl @exo-1204 @houseofdupree @oberonpascal @eireduchess @lunas1x1 @adoringb

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bisexualdaemon · 5 years

Text

Take All My Inhibitions

a/n: Just a thing I wrote six months ago before any of you knew I existed 😅 It’s super different from everything I write now...might not be your flavor, but a lot of the themes are still here. It reminds me how much I adore writing Shawn. Enjoy? Let me know what you think! ❤

warnings: 2.3k of anxious, drunk!Shawn with just a touch of fluff

You don’t realize how cold floor tiles are until your face is pressed against them.

I stared at the space where the baseboards met the tile of my bathroom while the album release party raged outside. I could hear the music—my music—pulsing through the speakers. I could feel the beat in my temples, in my teeth. Yet, I was in here hiding from all of it.

The music was never the problem. In fact, it was often the escape. Lazy chords on piano and guitar could float amongst the clouds and take me away from the crushing expectations. The pressure to make it, to keep making it. I thought it would get better after the first album, but it was only getting worse. This party was just the culmination of weeks of slowly building tension that decided to release itself about an hour ago, just as everyone showed up. The heat and frantic energy of all those people still weighed on my chest. I just needed to breathe. Just….breathe.

The attack had set in just like the others. A sudden out-of-body feeling, like floating, followed by a tingling sensation in my fingers and a heavy, heavy pressure in my chest. I greeted everyone that I could before making a beeline for my ceramic-tiled sanctuary and had been here ever since. I knew someone would be looking—

“Shawn?”

…Seriously?

“…are you in there?” It was Teddy.

I dragged myself off the floor and straightened my blue bomber jacket. The tears had dried long ago. I cracked the door open and stared at my producer and one of my best friends. She had a panicked look in her eye. “What’s wrong?” I asked.

“What’s wrong?! Everyone has been looking for you! This is your party!” She pushed open the door and pulled me through the gap, inching through the crowd in the hallway and into my living room as my eyes adjusted. Blinking, it took a minute to understand that everyone in the room was holding up glasses in a toast. I got my bearings just in time to smile as my manager shouted, “TO Shawn!” and everyone drank and clapped. I didn’t have a drink in my hand. A series of indiscriminate pats on the back followed as Andrew walked up to me and gave me a big hug.

“Where were you, man?” he asked.

“Oh, just around. There are a lot of people here.” I deflected. Teddy looked at me out of the side of her eye and I pleaded with her silently. Please, don’t say anything to him.

“Well, enjoy it, Shawn. Kids your age don’t get this opportunity very often,” he said, a little too smug for my taste. I shrugged off the kid comment. Andrew had known me for awhile now, so I guess I would always be that kid to him.

He walked away and I finally exhaled. Teddy stared at me; “are you going to tell me what just happened?”

“Not now, Teddy. This is all just a little overwhelming and I didn’t want to tell him that I was hiding in the bathroom during my album release party. You heard him…I should be thankful for this opportunity and relishing these moments in my young life.” I said these last words with a healthy dose of sarcasm.

“Shawn, you’re allowed to need a breather. You don’t have to be the perfect wunderkind all the time,” she sighed. I looked at her and saw the honesty in her face. If there was anyone in the world who understood me in this business, it was Teddy. I trusted her with my life (I mean, she penned and produced the songs that got me where I am…so I kind of owe her my life too). She wouldn’t bullshit me. I smiled at her.

“Now, go have fun at this way-too-serious industry party,” she shouted as she pulled me onto a fake dance floor set up on the balcony. There were waiters milling about with trays of cocktails and I reached up and grabbed one. I didn’t care what it was—I just chugged the whole thing in one drink. The acrid taste of alcohol burned my tongue and throat all the way down, but I grabbed another drink anyway. The strong cocktails fortified my stomach against the throb of anxiety still pulsing in my gut. After three back-to-back, I could feel the churning subside. I could feel my smile start to widen, could feel my eyes get brighter, more awake.

If anyone asked, I would say that I wasn’t a drinker. I had only been drunk a few times. Those few times were some of the freest I’ve ever felt. Drunk Shawn was a person who didn’t carry expectations. Drunk Shawn didn’t have hits on the radio. Drunk Shawn didn’t have cameras following him everywhere. Drunk Shawn could be a normal 19-year-old having fun at a party. Except I wasn’t a norma 19-year-old. I was multi-platinum selling recording artist, Shawn Mendes.

Another tray full of liquid confidence passed and I grabbed two shots. Fuck it. I slammed them back at the same time. The amber liquid hit the back of my throat with claws out—tequila, I think?—and I found myself moving on the dance floor with anyone who would have me. Which was everyone. This was my party after all. I don’t even know that I saw their faces. Just flashes of blonde hair, brown hair, red hair—blue eyes, brown eyes, green eyes. The liquor was flowing through my veins and I felt more alive than I’d felt in the several weeks leading up to the album release. It reminded me of the freedom of being on stage with my guitar or piano and the blackness that stretched out beyond the lights. People think that it’s difficult performing because of all the people in the audience, but with all the stage lights, I barely know they’re there. I can hear them scream but I can’t see them.

Performance is organic. It’s natural. Like this party with a glass in my hand.

The minutes ticked on my watch and suddenly it’s been hours and I’m having trouble stringing events together. The only constant is the burn of alcohol in my chest. Loud music and my arms wrapped around curves. Another shot of tequila. Hands in my hair as my mouth finds the pulse point in her neck. Sweat and salt and skin. Slipping my hand underneath her shirt at the small of her back. Stumbling down the hallway with her hand in mine. A flash of blue. Tripping on nothing and laughing, laughing, laughing. Buttons popping on my shirt as I struggle to take it off. The sweet smell of her perfume just before the blackness takes me.

——————

My eyes aren’t even open yet and the light is too much. I cracked one lid open and the force of my hangover almost turned my stomach in bed. I knew floor-to-ceiling windows with no curtains was a bad idea. A groan made its way out of my chest, sounding faintly bear-like, and what I can only describe as a giggle-snort escaped the comforter no more than a foot from me.

I cannot be held responsible for the sound that came from me as I fell out of my own bed. “HUWHUDAFUQ,” I shouted, as an olive-skinned arm made its way out of my comforter, followed by a rumpled head of very blue hair. She stretched her arms above her head, onto my pillows, and yawned a “good morning,” at me. Her face, still fighting sleep, had freckles and a little nose ring. Mascara ran under her eyes and what was probably a very meticulously filled-in eyebrow last night now stretched back to her temple. She was staring at me. Expectantly.

“Hi?” I replied, still on the floor. I wasn’t wearing my shirt from last night. Nor was I wearing my pants. Just a pair of boxer briefs. She appeared to be wearing a tank top and a pair of my old boxer shorts. It dawned on me, in our relative states of undress, that I had no idea who she was. I had no idea what her name was. All I could remember from last night was her laugh, her perfume, and that ultramarine hair. I should ask what her name is.

But instead of, what’s your name?, “did we have sex?” came out of my mouth.

Her eyes grew wide. Had I offended her? She’s in my bed with my boxers on, how could this question be any more invasive than wearing my underwear?

“You don’t remember anything about last night, do you?” she asked with a devilish glint in her eye. I scoffed too fast with something that could have been interpreted as petulance. “Of course, I remember,” I shot back. But she totally had me. It was easy to catch me in a lie.

“Really? You do? Then what’s my name?” she said, dubiously.

Fuck. Always fucked on the details. I scratched the back of my neck, obviously chagrined. Looking down, I closed my eyes and sighed, defeated.

“Well….uhm….so….I-I remember parts of last night. But maybe important details are missing,” I confessed. I opened one eye and looked up her. She was looking back at me with some cross between humor and pity. It was an impasse. She wasn’t going to let me off the hook that easy. I didn’t want to back down, even though I was the one who seemed like an ass, so I studied her instead.

“So…what is your name?” I asked, hesitantly and not without a twinge of fear.

“Alina Thompson,” she said as she shook out her hair. The vibrant, ultramarine blue was really distracting. There were other shades of blue throughout giving it an extra depth. It looked like bright blue ocean that you could see through. It wasn’t until she waved her hand in my face, leaning over the edge of the bed, that I realized I hadn’t responded to her and my mouth had been hanging open.

“Uhhhh, sorry! Alina. Nice to meet you. I like your hair,” I mumbled like an idiot. She blushed at that and rested her head on her knees, smiling at me with just half of her face visible. “Thanks,” she said, “it’s natural.” She winked at me and I giggled—what the fuck, did I just giggle?!—at her. This was turning into some sort of goddamn meet cute.

“Now that you know that I lied my face off and have little to no memory of last night, will you tell me if we had sex last night? Because I feel like I should know,” I asked again, injecting just a little bit of pleading in it. She looked at me and I could see the cogs turning in her mind, like she might make me beg for it. I stood up. Since I had no moral high ground to stand on, I settled for physical. Being over six feet tall had many advantages and this was one of them. She just rolled her eyes, seeing right through my tactics, and fell back against the pillows.

“No, we didn’t fuck,” she sighed, a twinge of regret coloring her tone, “by the time we got here, you were incoherent and sloppy, so I put you to bed.” She looked down at her state of dress, adding, “and oh, sorry I borrowed your underwear, but I wasn’t going to leave you alone here to choke on your own vomit and die, and I didn’t want to sleep in my jeans.”

She was so matter of fact. It was refreshing. I was so used to people trying to make me happy and fawn all over me because they saw me as Popstar Shawn Mendes, that I had forgotten what it was like to experience honesty from people who weren’t my friends. I awkwardly shuffled my feet and she looked out the windows, neither of us sure of what to do next.

“Well,” she moved to the edge of the bed with her back to me, “I guess I’ll go.” She walked over to the chair in the corner and grabbed the pair of jeans haphazardly thrown over it. I turned my head while she changed, even though I was pretty sure she wouldn’t have cared if I watched. I wasn’t a dick though. It was embarrassing how curious I was about her underwear, but I’d be damned if I lost the title of “gentleman,” on the same morning I shattered the image of “responsible drinker.” I had a reputation to protect, goddammit, but there was something about her that just made all of that not seem so important anymore.

“Are you gonna walk me to the door?” she asked, already walking out into the hall. I scrambled to catch up with her. She had on the tank top that must have been hers from last night, her skinny jeans that had scattered holes from the thigh to her ankles, and a pair of ratty pink Chuck Taylors. It would have been so out of place at the party last night, but I could see why we ended up together. She looked as free as I had felt with tequila coursing through my veins. I opened the front door for her and allowed her to pass. She briefly looked up before she hurried down the hall and I saw just a moment of disappointment in her eyes. It was long enough to make me lose my mind and chase her…still only in my boxer briefs.

“Alina! Wait!” She turned back, already halfway to the elevator, just as I caught up with her.

“Do…do you want…breakfast?”

First person? An OC? Not an AU? Who is the Alex who wrote this? 😂

#shawn mendes #shawn mendes imagine #shawn mendes fanfiction #shawn mendes x oc #shawn peter raul mendes #my writing

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