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crimeronan · 2 months

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i've downloaded zombies run & i'm three missions in & enjoying it so far, but it's also so Tragically and Hilariously clear how much this story was written in 2012. and how it was also less interested in subverting genre expectations than making you move your body (very fair!! given that that's what the game is designed for!!)

the two most egregious things in these first three eps are:

1. i was paired for a run with a coughing woman who insists she "just has a bad chest cold," and even though the camp supervisor firmly establishes that coughing is THE FIRST SYMPTOM of an infection, i'm instructed to go out running alone in the wilds with this lady. who's coughing. so much.

she keeps being like "it's just a cold 💕" while refusing to let anyone examine her and i'm like. YOU GUYS DONT HAVE QUARANTINE PROCEDURES?? PUT HER ASS SOMEWHERE AWAY FROM THE REST OF US?? DUDE??

2. it's then established that everyone at the camp is suspicious of me because other camps nearby have been torched after being visited by shady-ass secret-keepers very similar to myself. but i'm still allowed to roam around and do supply runs like it's nothing. the NPCs just mutter mutinously about me and make allusions to how i'm gonna get everyone killed.

PUT MY ASS IN QUARANTINE?!?!? DON'T LET ME LEAVE WITHOUT ANSWERING QUESTIONS??? WHAT???? YOU GUYS HAVE GOT TO GET A GRIP?!?!?!

the lack of quarantine, safety, and hardass procedures would be excusable if this was a hippie commune or solarpunk future or whatever, but it is Not. this is an AMC's walking dead style deal where the only people more dangerous than the zombies are the non-zombies.

so i'm like.

YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE THE LAST RUGGED BASTION OF HUMANITY. WHAT ARE YOU DOIIINGGG.....

#zombies run #prepare for more posts with that tag if i feel so inclined #YOU CAN'T JUST NOT QUARANTINE PEOPLE IN THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE IM GONNA CRYYY #NOTE: there's ten more years of story and 500 missions. i'm NOT genuinely upset about this or knocking the game.#i'm having fun and looking forward to seeing where future storylines go. i'm just also like Oh My God.

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croakings · 6 months

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breaking my loz silence to be a hater but also, here's how totk can still win

i will preface this with the thesis but also bear with me, ok, so: let it be known that in most circumstances, like most people probably, i hate when stories go "And It Was All A Dream!!!"

however. under some certain conditions. it is So Tasty. and i think totk is like. i'm sorry i think this is the only thing that can redeem the story of that game even somewhat. to me. this is all obviously just going to be my own personal opinion if you liked totk you are valid etc and so on and so forth but this is probably not the post for you

a minor point i want to start off with is that we were promised majora's mask vibes and they did not (imo)(this will be the last qualifier/clarification as far as that goes just stick "imo" everywhere in your brain for me please. thanks) deliver on that so much...... UNLESS MY UPCOMING TINFOIL HAT/COPING "THEORY" APPLIES! (there is absolutely no evidence or support for any of this whatsoever.)

i know people have come up with theories and Themes Analyses as to why the totk ending is good and makes sense and i did like a lot of those, and those people are very smart, however what they do not take into account is that i do not like it. if there's one thing i hate more than It Was Never Real In The First Place, it's And Actually None Of That Mattered That Much At All!..........

unless! It Was Never Real In The First Place!!!!!!!!! (<- IWNRITFP)

SO many of my personal gripes with totk are solved by making "the primary impact of these events is just like. emotional there aren't a lot of other consequences if any" follow the caveat of Because IWNRITFP!!!

"but bug" you might say, "what the fuck are you talking about". that's fair despite all those paragraphs i've said very little. i understand.

i am team "pissed off about the arm". team "ZONAI??????? AAAAAAAGGHHHH". team "AND WHY DOES IT ALL DISAPPEAR IN THE END ANYWAY COME O—". team hater. if you will. zelda doesn't even get to have any dragon features stick around like come. ON. ok anyway

also. we have the Monarchy Good Let's Keep Doing That Actually. despite. gestures at all of botw and the info we get of link and zelda post-botw pre-totk. where they're like. really not so much doing the monarchy. is the thing. and that seems really great for them in fact. and this seems really kind of silly outside of it really being needed to continue The Cycle. of loz games. and in loz games. which is that there is a princess and link punches things. and monarchies are a little necessary for point one. there.

but also some of you know me. you know what my favorite activity is. it's Making Up Lore To Explain Mechanics/Whatever i know this is not mechanics it's like. Video Game more broadly. franchise continuity. and that too. put that after the slash idk how to phrase that. so here's the thing.

they go down to the castle murder basement. right. gloom is there. it's spooky. things Go Wrong. tale as old as time.

this is a reach but cope with me. bear with me. what if. the murder basement. is the last real thing that actually happens. (until the ganon fight)(i think)(disclaimer: i have played only like 35 hrs of totk and the greater portion of that was mapping out the depths. so please understand i hate this game and this essay is based on information i gathered trying not to be doomed to hate this game/attempting to gain motivation to like. actually play it.)(if you notice i barely succeeded. if at all. rip)(one of the first things i did was collect the dragon tear memories and that INSTANTLY made me tap out. iykyk y'know.)

I KNOW. BUT. HEAR ME OUT.

here's the story of totk: link and zelda go down to the catacombs. neither of them come out. like. link does. sort of. i guess. if you ask some people. but like. nothing he does seems to matter or affect people. or. most things. with a few direct Plot Related exceptions. no one recognizes him the famous Savior Of Hyrule (the sword one)(not the princess the other one) who has spent literal multiple years scurrying around speaking to without hyperbole every single person in the country probably multiple times in insane circumstances pretty much every time. everyone is just Have You Heard The Legend Of Press Down B To Slash Fancy AND I SOLVE THIS TOO. with Game Theory.

WHAT IF. what if. ganon's last hurrah. ganon who like. constantly loses. and is repeatedly killed by teenagers at best and children not infrequently. is to see these guys who pretty well won. because they lost. who have a pretty good chance of doing things differently. where he can't. and/or won't. who can set hyrule in a different direction, if they're allowed to continue on. does not let them continue on. "lol they're traumatized young adults," he might say, "i am The Scourge Of Millennia and HERE. is how i can still win." (<- loses)(inevitably)(of course)(BUT HE CAN TAKE THEM DOWN WITH HIM.)

what. if IWNRITFP. maybe we can say the zonai in some capacity WERE real idk. this is irrelevant to my essay but i do like the thought they're just Early Hyrule and we know nothing more about them that's true than we did in botw. i think it would be incredibly good soup if ganon just made EVERYTHING about zonai and the Ancient Times that we see and learn of in totk. just. completely up. this also solved how ganondorf (and also rauru and sonia like character-wise) kind of sucks in this game tbh: because he's The Villain. he's MADE himself THE villain. what are his motivations? you may ask. what the hell is he trying to do? what on earth is even going on with zelda and co in the past? irrelevant. you see if he is as cartoonishly evil as possible and makes zelda and co (The Good Guys)(So Good Guys Wouldn't It Suck If Something Like Killed Them Mercilessly Or Whatever) completely miserable and sets up the perfect, most unassailable dichotomy in her mind of Me Evil, Monarchy (You) Good then zelda and link who are already traumatized can just be pushed more firmly into The Cycle if he just. makes them live out a nightmarish reality he constructs of "nothing that they are or have been matters and they have to cast it all aside to be The Princess and The Hero" and keep that going forever. because without them(The Princess and The Hero) there is only Him (The Villain). they HAVE to be in the cycle to keep him from winning the cycle by default. don't they. right. sure they do don't look at the man behind the curtain what man. who said that.

also the sages!!!! Bloodlines!!! Of Course It's About Bloodlines!!!!!! it's the cycle!!

and see the thing is link and zelda come out of the catacombs with Dragon Ganon Defeated and that can be real. that's the story. link and zelda come out of the catacombs. they have experienced once again a bunch of things that no one else had anything to do with or could be reasonably aware of and there is nothing they can do about it, and they can try to talk about it but everyone else really truly it cannot be emphasized enough was just doing other things.

also!!!! this makes the depths like. less. [picture so-so gesture here.]

i mean. they're still like. more should have been done with the depths. more (or less) should have been done with all of totk but i'm exhibiting favoritism here. the depths make sense if IWNRITFP. the yiga are down in an empty inverted-ish Ghost Monster Hyrule doing loony toons. they are also. cartoonishly. evil(?). do the yiga have a point? in totk? like. really? do they. (other than Mechanics.) well. do they NEED one? link loots stuff and knowledge from them. as in: you have to know things in dreams. somehow. sometimes. what i'm trying to get at here is aren't the depths and the yiga so much more funny if ganon is literally just making them up. like "here is Evil hyrule (look at the ghosts of all those you've failed) with my Evil minions (evil)(like me)(cartoonishly evil and bumbling)(this is a dry joke sarcasm HUMOR. if you will.)(what if ganon is like "oh yeah the yiga my doomsday death cult in botw what was going on with— did link throw that guy down a hole. that's hilarious. i'm going to make a whole thing about that.) and my Evil loot here have relics of past heroes. this doesn't mean anything btw don't worry about it just put them on. yes Put The Tunic On no don't think about it i'm not even here. what. who said that"

like. OH of COURSE no one recognizes you or says much of anything that doesn't somehow give you instructions or tasks to do if IWNRITFP. like. ganon doesn't care. link doesn't care!!! that's something people do. when he is running around trying to save the world. that makes sense..... DREAM SENSE.

do you all see my vision. is this anything. had i played more than 5% of the game or read more stuff i could probably expand on this or be at all coherent but DO YOU GET IT. am i communicating. please take this and run with it THIS is how we can still get majora's mask and. COSMIC DOOM AND HORROR also again justice for ganondorf (and zelda)(and link) on this one WHAT IF. he was evil. what if he was FUNNY. what if totk were good.

ganon with the last vestiges of his Evil Power from his corpse under the castle sealed for There Can Still Be A Good Story There: if two guys were on the moon and one guy killed another guy with a rock would that be fucked up or what. also wouldn't it be cool if i were a dragon. i’d like to be a dragon. i can make that happen and sort of kind of make sense. as a treat. while also doing that to the princess while tormenting her with (More) Visions.

welcome to his twisted mind...... mine.......... minecraft server. hey gamers have you ever THE CYCLE THE CYCLE GET BACK IN THE CYCLE

life could be a dream. IT COULD BE A DREAM

#*#chatter #loz #i thought of posting this to one of the quarantine blogs for brainrot but instead i will torment u all on main #i've never used one of these tags before but #totk salt #no one come pitchfork at me i tried so hard to be pitchfork repellent #also i wrote this while doing 3 other things as usual and i refuse to proofread. um. sorry.#my solution to everything is ''so and so could have a sense of humor. this fixes everything''

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