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system-of-a-feather · 19 days

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I honestly feel a lot of the time that it isn't "safe" or welcome to talk about how crippling my maladaptive hyper-working hyper-functioning "can't stop working" issues are in a lot of trauma / psychological disabled spaces because - either passively or directly in past experiences - people tend to really romanticize, "wish they had that issue" or told me "that sounds nice" and to some level, I have internalized that if I complain or express stress / distress around it, that I'm whining and having "first world disabled peoples issues" (which I know is not true, but it does keep me from talking about it as honestly and truthfully as I'd like to)

But honestly, today is one of those days that I really really can clearly see that even with that mentality around my struggles with this all, it really really is a disordered and pathological thing.

Like I spent an hour compulsively job searched despite knowing that I really didn't need to and probably shouldn't; then managed to - with all my effort - redirect to something more functional ie an hour and half of job searching for my fiance instead. I then spent an hour dissociating in a poor attempt to change activities and do something that isn't working; half an hour doing work videos; ate dinner, then another half hour of dissociating in a poor attempt to do something other than working; gave up on that and finally had enough brain power to go to my fiance and ask for help / supervision relaxing to keep me from Not Working and not just sitting there dissociating

And then spent three and a half hours drawing chibi versions of my characters in prep for Art Fight (which is honestly soothing even if it sounds like work) and passively watching TV.

And only THEN did I have the energy and ability to actually write a like 50 word post to the story that is a >special interest< of mine.

I essentially failed at functioning for at least four hours when I was actively trying to get myself to self care, gave up because I acknowledged my mental illness limits, and had to have four hours of supervised care to make sure I actually could take care of myself.

I only NOW felt regulated enough to go to be by myself and NOT supervised and that was a whole like 7 hour mess.

#alter: fei #alter: riku #actually autistic #actuallyautistic #actuallydid #dissociative identity disorder #vent #vent tw #this is ok to reblog #and comment #i feel like it needs to be said to some level too

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trashburgersblair · 5 months

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Mom said it's my turn to make a Hanged Man Rusts piece

(in progress drawing under cut)

Don't ask me how he'll be clothed I didn't think about that when I started (there will be clothes though)

#this is ok to reblog #I've been racking my brain on what clothes he would wear and I accidentally made his body so detailed I don't want to cover it because Im #Kinda proud of what I came up with #The Mechanisms #drumbot brian #wait fuck I just lost my pencil #Update: found it!#my art #Update 2: I've found a way to cloth the man without covering all the pretty detailing I did

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mail-me-a-snail · 13 days

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see. re: objectum, a printer causes me incredible anger but a scanner is like a lover to me. i wouldn't fuck a printer (maybe i would but it would not be sweet or gentle i would go ape in that things hole). but id definitely fuck a scanner. and i know most printers have scanners built into them already so it'd kind of be like the printer is a voyeur to my activities with the object that is so much better than it. i haven't slept well lately can you tell

#objectum #whadeva man....whadeva #i gotta start smoking lad this aint it . this aint it #<- /j #my post #this is ok to reblog

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smiggles · 10 months

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Confess your gorny thoughts to me...<3

#this is ok to reblog #personal

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klapollo · 7 months

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eating disorder recovery has been incredibly incredibly hard and im still in a relapse-recover cycle that ive been in for months but the times where i can let it go for the sake of bonding over food are nice. i took my mom to the movies for the first time in years and i bought her a soft pretzel and made her try all the dips it came with while we watched one of her favorite films. i went out with a friend and we looked at the skyline while the sun set and we went to a hole in the wall and i told him i loved him while i ate a beyond burger with a shitton of caramelized onions on it. i went to a birthday party and we pieces of cake with our hands because there were no forks. i would love if food could be fun all the time for everyone.

#ed tw #this is ok to reblog

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transflynnscifo · 1 month

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'd like to hear about the lyrics in unfriendly hater :o

you don't want to know how long i spent writing this

So actually given I’m not good enough at Japanese yet, I cannot analyze this fully in a way I want to, but I still want to talk about the way the song’s lyrics are written.

Firstly, for the sake of being able to follow along, I would suggest looking at the full lyrics. I used the ones here (sorry there wasn't a link outside fandom wiki :/)

also putting under cut for the sake of how long this beast is.

To start with, there are two speakers/singers present in the song, that take turns to sing, and sing together during the chorus. Even from a quick glance at the lyrics it is easy to note that the line distribution is 1:1. Neither singer is prioritized over the other. From this point on I will refer to them as the delinquent and the honor student, if not referred together.

Politeness marked by usage of pronouns

It is extremely important to note the way in which the both of them speak to one another. Japanese has a somewhat strict marker for when someone speaks formally or informally. Even from personal experience, I have been told that in most cases, the informal variants are considered rude when used with most people. Anime and manga tends to show characters who speak in such ways, ranging between being very casual to downright rude. Such a distinction is often lost in English translation due to the formal you blending with singular and plural variations of you.

Okay, so how can one tell if someone is speaking rudely in Japanese? From what I’ve noticed, a lot of it seems to depend on inflections and how people end their sentences. Another indicator is in the sentences’ and their presence of pronouns. In English, for example, we will readily use you when talking directly to someone. In Japanese, speaking in second person is not the same. Once again, due to formality, people who speak directly to each other, are familiar with each other, but are not close, tend to avoid usage of words such as あなた (read: “anata”, means “you”). Instead, they would use the other speaker’s name as if they are being referred to in third person. Here is an example in a literal translation:

A: Hello, B!

B: Hello! Did A do the homework?

A: Yes, I did!

Such an exchange seems odd in English, but is perfectly functional in Japanese.

Now, let’s take a look at the lyrics and note how the singers speak to one another.

The delinquent uses 君 (read: “kimi”) when speaking to the honor student at the start of the song. Now, 君 in this case, when looked at in the dictionary, is a variation of “you” that can be used when speaking to a friend (usually done by a guy). So the delinquent, already assumes familiarity.

In the chorus, both of them switch to お前 (read: “omae”) to use with each other, which is marginally ruder than the previous. Now, I only perceived it as ruder due to personal experience of blorbos using those Japanese pronouns with each other, but I have a website that confirms my idea:

“Basically, kimi, just like omae, implies a certain level of intimacy when used. The difference between kimi and omae is that when omae is used and the intimacy is unwarranted, people can find it blatantly rude. But when kimi is used and the intimacy is unwarranted, people find it condescending.“ (https://www.japanesewithanime.com/2017/08/anata-omae-kimi-kisama-meaning.html)

Also, I have to apologize. I don’t know verb inflections well enough to comment on how they are used in the text. I can imagine some ideas can be inferred, but I actually don’t want to talk out of my ass about this, so instead I encourage the guidance of a better Japanese speaker than me o7

Rhythm and Melody

A last technicality needs to be mentioned before moving on. Japanese doesn’t use an alphabet where each sign is one letter, but instead, as I understand it, most sounds are syllables (with the exception of vowels). One kana, for instance, equals one syllable.

Obviously, when it comes to lyrical texts, such as poems and songs, creative liberties are always taken for the sake of… rhyme and rhythm! In order for such a piece of writing to be melodic and memorable, the writer painstakingly works with their language in order to craft something beautiful. In the case of songs, the reason people can get songs stuck in their heads is clever usage of rhyme and rhythm in a song. And this song has a lot of it, but not in the poppy sense.

Instead, this song incorporates the very language it uses and repeats sentence structure in order to cause a mirror and a closing cycle of the song.

Analyzing the brunt of the song based on repetition

1. Instances that are similar but are not the chorus:

The first example that I want to look at and compare come from the following two points of a song: the first verse and the second verse

何回言っても聞く耳持たない

不勉強アウトサイダー

廊下全力ダッシュそこの君止まりなさい

だから止まりなさい

あーうるさいなんだよ急いでんだよ

わざわざ暇なんですか？

誰もいないしこれぐらいいいだろ

君に構う暇はないからじゃあね

This part opens with the honor student singing, with the delinquent responding. The honor student, bluntly said, fires the first attack against the delinquent. The delinquent responds, though he doesn’t exactly fire back besides explaining himself that he’s harmless.

一体なんの為になるのやら

ド勤勉真面目ヤクザ

少しルール破ったぐらいでキレすぎだろ

ほんとしつこいわー

あーほらまたやってるまた破ってる

学習してないようで

シャツも出てるわネクタイ緩いわで

親の顔が見てみたいもんですな

Here, the start of the second verse swaps the order. Delinquent sings first, aiming an attack on the honor student’s honor, but instead of defending himself, the honor student attacks back.

The reason these two segments fit together is actually caught when listening to them in the song. The melody in both instances is similar, hence, there is an intent to mirror how they, well, jab each other.

The second example comes from the first pre-chorus, and the third pre-chorus:

ねえねえちょっと聞いてんの

風紀を乱すなって言ってんの

あーはいはいもうわかりました

まー聞く気はないけどね

ねえねえちょっと聞いてんの

頭に血でも上っちゃってんの

あーはいはいもう分かりました

もうブチ切れちゃうからね

Now, THIS! Though the speakers are swapped, the first and third lines are the same, word for word. But let’s focus elsewhere and count the syllables for the 2nd and 4th lines: 13 and 11 respectively! How do I know this? Well, I know this because I can read the kana. The romaji, however, helps us here too (especially with the kanji as there is no furigana for me to work with. Can you tell I’m a beginner)

Lines 2 and 4 in 1st pre-chorus:

fuu-ki o mi-da-su na-t-te i-t-ten no

ma-a ki-ku ki wa na-i ke-do ne

Lines 2 and 4 in 3rd pre-chorus:

ata-ma* ni chi de-mo no-bo-c-cha-t-ten no

mo-u bu-chi-gi-re-cha-u ka-ra ne

*this is a kanji in the Japanese line and combines two syllables

2. Unique instances outside the chorus (parts that have no “mirror”)

The second pre-chorus:

あーそうですかい

今度したら絶対許しません

This instance specifically follows after the honor student “fires” back, as opposed to the first verse where the delinquent does not outright fight back, but shrugs off the nagging with excuses.

Bridge:

ヘイヘイ坊っちゃん捕まえてごらんなさい

だから廊下は走るなって何回言えば

なあどうした優等生負けを認めますか

どうやら全く反省してないようですね

This moment occurs before the last pre-chorus, where it’s the delinquent’s turn to provoke the honor student, which directly leads to the mirror from the pre-chorus instances.

Okay, so what purpose do these serve? Honestly, to break up the rhythm while still keeping the melodicity of the song.

3. The three chorus

First two have 4-5 lines of text, with the third one going up to 7 due to a unique structure altogether.

いやほんと

お前なんかめっちゃ嫌いだ！

怒っちゃってんのあーらざまみろ

いや絶対に俺の方が上って言って競ってまたギラギラ

いやほんと

お前なんかめっちゃ嫌いだ！

怒っちゃいるが笑顔は隠せない

いや絶対に仲良くとかしないって言って睨んでまたゲラゲラ

ありったけ全部巻き込んでドタバタ破壊転倒非行でめちゃくちゃもう一切のものは見ずに一つの敵と戦うのだいやマジでお前なんかめっちゃ嫌いだ！この先もずっとずっと嫌いだ！んで制裁食らって仲直りって言った五秒後にはメラメラ

On the text, I want to note the usage of onomatopoeia to close off all three instances, and all of them are essentially go like this: []ra[]ra, with the ‘ra’ sound repeating.) (the green is marked with a reason. They're marked with red.

If you were to look at the romaji and/or translation, it’s obvious that certain instances of the song here would repeat.

But now, I want to note how special the third chorus is in the backdrop of the first two. As the song progresses, the listener witnesses the reveal that the two speakers/singers are in fact close friends/rivals with an odd dynamic that still indicates that they DO like each other’s company despite butting heads. They enforce their “hatred” for each other in the start of first and second chorus.

In the third chorus though, this part is missing. The chorus opens up with different lines! And just when the third line finishes off, when the previous chorus would begin to wrap up, the singers remember to enforce their hatred for each other! So much so that they enforce it even in the 5th line! All this is sung while they are at their happiest during the song. It’s like an insistence that they both know seems to be untrue. The hatred lines are marked in green.

Closing thoughts

Now, I do want to throw in a few assumptions based on my observations and the "flashback" sequence in the mv.

-I think the honor student is definitely more aggressive in responses, while the delinquent is more relaxed (even in his attacks). Part of it can be attributed to the fact that the honor student seems to be more easily riled up, while also harboring frustrations for what appears to have been some form of estrangement.

-The general dynamic that I want to mention is that people who get straight As can sometimes... get inflated egos. And with someone like the delinquent who clearly seems to not be doing the best, you can see that maybe part of him not firing back as aggressively as the honor student may be that he know what fights to continue? He's generally more lax but it could also be him not wanting to fully engage. Yet he knows when to be a bastard, but his way of engaging with the honor student is different. It could also be because Im gonkba

Anyway I’m not a pro at this, and I don’t claim to say anything groundbreaking. I mostly wanted to overexplain the parts I like the most. Thanks for reading

#woe joystick be upon ye #how the fuck do i tag this #this is ok to reblog #if at any instance im saying smth wrong about japanese please correct me

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pervybutch · 1 year

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nothing would make me feel as puppy as being given a bone shaped gag when i say i need smth to bite down on to help me handle the tickles

#crow.txt #does this make sense. im very high #this is ok to reblog #if it is relatable idk if it is

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rasparagus · 2 years

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the status of and my feelings about this blog

honestly i have been involved in fandom since i was way too young to be on the internet. and i took a break from being super active with fan accounts some years back bc its what was best for me. fast forward to 2021 and becoming a carat is quite literally what got me to start posting and interacting consistently again on tumblr bc the fandom seemed really chill and cool and overall just a nice way to find community, especially during a transition period of my life.

but now i realize why every other day there’s a new creator declaring they need a mental health break lmfao. its cus this shit lowkey sucks. ive barely been active in the community for two months and this is the most stress ive experienced in a fandom. i love being able to chat it up and write fics and read fics but the amount of discourse combined with so many people thinking they know every fucking thing about everything is exhausting. some of yall treat this like a job. i come here to chill but so many people use this community as a way to show how virtuous of a person they are or how witty and sassy they can be with no regard for actual human beings. i think some of yall have been on the internet so long that u have literally forgotten how to interact normally with others, even when they say something u disagree with. not every disagreement is worth some huge moral argument or name-calling session. i dont think its normal that i see a different discourse discussion occur on the timeline every day, all of them met with equal vitriol from the people involved; some things are simply not that serious. maybe if we all take a step back and remember we are people writing fake stories about people we will never meet, then the problems wont seem so big after all. hate to be a hippie but like,,,lets just vibe and treat each other like humans, man~

ofc this isnt about any of my lovely moots xoxo i love yall. but its hard to ignore the discourse that occurs within this fandom. and as someone who does a vast amount of philosophizing in my daily life for school/work/community activism and would truly just like to chill on here, the exaggeration of mild issues stresses me out. im someone who is deeply passionate about politics, social justice, and cultural criticism in day-to-day life (just like a lot of other people who tend to start discourse!). but i also am of the belief that we all need rest, and if our leisure time is plagued by the same seriousness of the “real world” then we’ll never truly get that rest. i fear that in an effort to continue my hobby of writing and interacting with other fans, i will find my mind never truly resting and will be damned to a life where i am convincing myself that i’m having fun when im not. and once again, it should never be that serious.

when i started writing for svt i saw myself being here for a while, and i still really want that. but im barely three (very short) fics in and im already exhausted (and impressed) with how much the fun has been drained out of this fandom for me. i liked it better when all i did was watch gose and gush about vernon to my non carat friends. i really cherish the mutuals ive made and bc of those connections i desire to keep this blog semi-alive. i think it’d be really sad for me to give up on the fandom this early. but this fandom has a level of toxicity that is incredibly anxiety-inducing for me. sure my mental issues are my own and it isnt anyone’s fault, but ive noticed a common trend among other creators as well, so maybe its worth considering the environment we all are fostering. who knows. maybe i need to disappear for a while so i can re-discover the spark that led me to become a svt blog in the first place. this isnt me announcing a formal hiatus or anything. i could be back tomorrow thirsting over mingyu and wanting to write and post a new fic. or it could take me weeks or months to regain the fire that made this fun in the first place. this rant is merely a tired, old (not really) soul expressing their frustrations with a fandom that quite frankly takes itself way too seriously.

#this is ok to reblog #ro's.chats

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