#this is pretentious bullshit for sure i don't even read anymore

[fantabulisticity]

So here's what happened today. I wake up this afternoon after depression-napping all day (because WINTER), and I go into the kitchen to eat because I am FUCKING STARVING. I notice that someone has moved my larger, heavy groceries from the extra bottom shelf of the shelving unit to my official shelf, seemingly for no reason, as they didn't replace my bags with anything. So I'm a little annoyed but it's whatever. Then I open the fridge and look around for something to eat. I notice my expensive Co-Op cashew milk (that I was going to use to make vegan mac + "cheese" for the Halloween party, but am going to make this weekend instead, just before the Best By date) is gone. I assume the fridge has been rearranged and I just can't see the milk at first glance, so I make and eat breakfast then go look again. Then I look in the "leftovers" fridge (read: the fridge that mostly my annoying roommate uses).

It isn't anywhere. I do see a new large jar in the main fridge with a milk-like substance in it, which I think may be my transferred milk, but I'm not sure. The jar has no label of any sort.

My first assumption is that this was the doing of my annoying roommate digging around in my shit that doesn't belong to him again (I figured he used it all, or threw it out because it expires in a few days and he has shown that he has no respect for me or my things), or perhaps someone transferred my milk to a container that took up less space, which would be fine with me, but a little annoying that they didn't label the jar.

So I text the group chat. I think I was pretty calm and diplomatic about it, just asking for information.

My nice roommate answers almost immediately even though he isn't involved. Then, a few minutes later:

Notice how defensive I am, how many extra words I used to explain my ENTIRE situation with ALL the context? Yeah. This boy makes me put up ALL my old walls. His passive aggressive, manipulative, fake-happy, fake-vulnerable, pretentious bullshit is EXACTLY like my mom. He fucking PLACES eggshells under my feet to walk on. Fucking Mr. Washing MY Dishes Which I Have Told Him MULTIPLE TIMES I HATE While I'm Sitting In The SAME ROOM Eating The Food I Made Using Those Dishes Literally Ten Minutes Ago And There's Like A Small Saucepan And A Small Colander And A Spoon And PLENTY Of Room To Wash Your Own Fucking Dishes, ASSHOLE. Passive aggressive piece of manipulative shit.

Brings up ALL the old shit I've pushed down so far because it isn't usually relevant anymore. He LITERALLY triggers me sometimes, puts me right back in that house where I'm trapped and have NO control and get punished whether I keep secrets or be honest or lie. Where nothing I do is good enough and my priorities (people) are always wrong. Where I got in trouble for staying up all night with a suicidal friend instead of working on a big school project. My mom has gotten better sometimes, and now that I'm an adult I can usually leave bad situations, but I was trapped for YEARS in her fucking house and I have a LOT of shit to unpack still, and this roommate is EXACTLY the same brand of I'm Not Mean I'm Honest and I'm Actually The Victim Here and You're Just Sensitive (Proceeds To Take Out Bad Mood On Me) and I'm Not Moody You Are, and That Didn't Actually Happen Your Memory Is Bad And I Have Never Ever Hurt You And Now You're Hurting Me By Pretending To Be Hurt, etc, that my mom is. She FUCKED me up, and this arrogant boy is trying to squish me back into being a trapped animal.

So at this point I have a thing to do, and I'm stressing out because he's REALLY bad at reading and responding to messages EVER, let alone in a reasonable amount of time, and it's fucking finals week, so I know if I don't message him NOW he'll never read it. So after I do my thing I message him back.

Because he used an overly-enthusiastic passive-aggressive sticker, I used an overly-happy passive-agressive emoji (which is petty, sure, but he was already being petty at me, so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ ).

Also, "no problem!" -- yeah, it fucking BETTER be "no problem." You used THE REST OF MY CASHEW MILK. THERE WAS LIKE TWO OR THREE PINTS LEFT. MOST OF THE HALF GALLON WAS LEFT. WHAT DID YOU EVEN FUCKING DO WITH IT??? TAKE A CASHEW MILK SHOWER? JESUS FUCK! And it had my NAME on it! Written clearly on a piece of masking tape placed in an easy-to-spot place on the container! I took colors and graphics into account when I placed that piece of tape! I KNOW you know it was mine! And it hadn't expired yet! It expires on the 24th or 25th! It's the fucking 16th! My party is on the 21st! What the fuck is your actual problem!!! Shitting fucking christ!!! It fucking BETTER be "no problem"!!! You are IN THE WRONG!!! You STOLE my SHIT!!! You're fucking RIGHT it's NO PROBLEM!!! Shit!!!

And the other thing? He KNOWS I'm on food stamps. He KNOWS I'm terrified of losing them. He KNOWS I'm terrified of not being able to eat. He KNOWS I'm poor as fuck and barely getting by. He KNOWS I'm bad at getting food in my body and that I regularly skip meals because I don't want to deal with eating. He KNOWS I'm an anxious mess of a person. And he KNOWS stealing from roommates is WRONG and BAD. He can probably guess I'm scared shitless of being food scarce. I'm scared shitless of getting kicked out of my room and losing my food stamps and starving on the street. He KNOWS that if I didn't have my food stamps I would fucking starve. And that I'm acutely aware of that. And he fucking stole my food. When it wasn't bad. I am SO CLOSE to having to skip meals to pay bills. I have been SO CLOSE before. I hoard things because I know I can't replace them if I ever need them. My room is just boxes of shit I don't need because I'm too afraid to get rid of it. And he KNOWS all this. And he fucking stole my food. And used ALL of it. And didn't leave any notice at ALL. I am SO angry, and also so scared. And hurt. I know that he would do something like this, but I really thought my crush was better. I really thought he wouldn't steal my shit with no notice. Like, they KNOW if they just ASK me, I will almost ALWAYS HAPPILY give away my food and let people borrow my things! I LOVE feeding people! They have WATCHED me feed THEIR guests as well as my own when someone had a craving or when I was making dinner and it looked good to them! I NEVER eat their food they make for their guests unless they EXPLICITLY tell me I'm welcome!

And it hurts me SO MUCH that my crush would take my food without asking, use it ALL, and then not give me any notice, just wait for me to see that it's gone. Before it was even bad (8 or 9 DAYS! More than a week left!). I just. It really hurts. And I was anxious and anxiety-irritated all night, to the point that I didn't want to be touched by my friend who I had PLANNED TO HANG OUT WITH. I am a SUPER TOUCHY PERSON. And having her touching me AT ALL made me SUPER UNCOMFORTABLE. I know that a lot of people do that, but I don't. This shit really fucked me up. And my roommate KNEW I would be upset. I'm sure he doesn't know the extent of it, but even if he did, I don't know if he would care. He is an ASSHOLE. And he ACTS like he cares about being kind and not hurting others, but he REALLY doesn't give a SHIT if he's hurting someone he doesn't care about.

So after I got back from hanging out with my friend, I put my party supplies on the bottom shelf, each labelled clearly and separately and also with a sticky note label on the shelf. I moved everything as far to one side as I could so no one can complain about it taking up too much space. Then I made sure all my things in the fridge were labelled (my container of food that has always been mine and is clearly mine, the space on the shelf where I put my regular milk directly in front of my container that is clearly mine, my orange juice lid as well as the already-labelled carton [which is in the "leftovers" fridge my Annoying Roommate mostly uses], an avocado I'd forgotten to relabel after I cut it open, and most importantly, my new cashew milk and its lid). I also put sticky notes on my orange juice and my cashew milk asking to PLEASE not use them and to send me a text if concerned about the expiry date. I really went overboard on the labelling. There is no plausible deniability for taking my things. They are VERY CLEARLY labelled.

The next step is telling off the Annoying Roommate.

So I've tried talking to this boy using Grown-Up Words. It doesn't get through. He doesn't care. So now I'm using a new tactic: peer pressure. Everyone in the house saw the group chat and read him admit that he stole my labelled milk that wasn't bad yet. So instead of talking to him one on one about not being a little shit, I got vulnerable with my housemates and left a note about not stealing my shit, and WHY it fucks me up.

So this helps in multiple ways: it lets my roommates know I'm sensitive about food stuff and that there is a GOOD REASON for it, and it tells off Annoying Roommate for being shitty. It tells him that if he's shitty again, the house will know about it. It tells him I'm asking the house to understand and respect my needs (my needs to not have my shit stolen: something that should NOT have to be asked for in the first place) -- AND that they'll probably support me if he does this again (you know, because I did NOTHING WRONG and he STOLE my shit). And I'm hoping that's enough shame to get him to cut it the fuck out and quit fucking messing with me.

Check, Annoying Roommate. Move your fucking King piece or I will obliterate him. This is your warning. I am sick of playing games with you, but I will do it if you don't get your shit together real fucking quick. I have played this game before. I am an EXPERT. Don't fucking test me. I am older than you, and I have YEARS of experience dealing with people like you. Leave me the FUCK alone.

Now the hard part: telling my crush he hurt me. During finals week, and a week before he leaves the country for a semester. I almost don't want to do it. But I want a fucking acknowledgement of wrongdoing and a goddamn apology. That was NOT okay. And I KNOW he knows it. And I'm shocked that he went through with it. It hurts me so much. I just want to be friends with this boy. And he fucking stole my shit without asking or telling me or leaving a note. Why.

#personal #food deprivation tw #starvation tw #food #eating #abuse tw #child abuse tw #theft tw #mental illness #trauma #ptsd #cptsd #triggers #long post

[ishu074991]

When people looked at Rita they stop in their tracks, fall to the ground, and literally lose their minds because of how stunning she is, and yet she was completely unaware and nonchalant about the effect she has on those surrounding her. She didn't have any modulation or rasp or exaggeration in her voice or mannerism or any pretentious imposed seductive body language. But still, she's a hell of eye candy.

Even after being so desired, she's a divorced lady and was leading her single life peacefully, supposedly a happy single life. But that wasn't the reality. Secretly in her mind, she wanted to be adored, appreciated, loved, and perhaps, nailed down against the wall to be taken like her voluptuous body demands.

Anyhoo, after the lockdown, the classroom became a virtual space. Teachers did provide their contacts to the students so they can use their guidance when required and Rita was a giver by her innate nature, so I decided to take advantage of it.

During the online classes, I started pinging her private messages, complimenting her looks and all. It was just a casual appreciation at the initial stage, but sooner I started sharing some innuendo jokes with her during the ongoing classes. She'd sometimes read them on camera and I could see her squirm on her seat, stifle laughter.

After several days of toying with her brain, I stopped. Cut off, completely. No private texts, none at all. She'd constantly keep checking her phone during the classes hoping for something to pop up. I can see the trick was working, it was clearly visible on her face that only I was able to see through. Also, she'd ask me by calling my name several times if I'm still having any doubts and I'd respond with a cold denial.

29th April 2020, 1:07:03 AM

I receive a text from her. It said: "Hey!!"

I was tempted to my toes to respond back but I just read her text and ignored, making sure she'd get the double blue ticks. I kept scrolling through our previous conversations waiting for her next text.

"What's wrong? Kabir..."

Another text chimes in. That particular text, that was my cue, a sign that heralds the implication that Rita wanted more of me. Even so, did I. It was the time to lay all of my cards on the table.

"I can't continue this, Ma'am... I'm sorry." I respond.

"Why? Won't you tell me what's wrong?😔"

That sad emoji you see right at the end of the text, that's the next signal. Now the iron was hot, I just needed to gather all my strength for the final strike.

I started typing immediately, after all, it was supposed to be a masterstroke.

"I don't think I should be telling you this Ma'am, but I think I've fallen for you, I can't focus during our classes anymore I want more and more of you, my sleep is studded with your dreams and I just don't know how to deal with all this. It's disgusting, I know but that's how it is... I apologize because you've to read all this bullshit from me. But I think it's better for both of us to bring this to an end... I just hope you won't treat me differently after this and everything will be back to normal, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry because I fell for you.

Take care, Sweet dreams, Good night Ma'am.☺️"

I sent her the text and about thirty seconds later my phone started vibrating, I've had to receive a call.

[sturlsons]

do you have any content that you regularly keep up with? like fics/comics/shows/blogs? i want to start consuming more content and be more knowledgeable/wellread in general but i don't really know where to start :(

i saw this ask like an hour ago and promptly got distracted catching up on my youtube subscriptions so thank u for the reminder but apologies for the delay,,

LONG reply coming up, discussions of depression.

(if u’d rather skip my sob story just scroll down to the picture of the upset dude with the cigarette)

before i get to your specific question, just a little something, because you’ve unknowingly shed light on one of my B I G G E S T struggles: i’m actually real shit at consuming content myself. i have a horrible concentration span and focus issues in general, and i tend to have tunnel vision for academia and hence spend nine months of the year memorising vocab blindly and watching like three episodes of anime. i regularly try to get myself out of this habit but It’s Hard™, so instead i try to make academic choices which will automatically bring new content to the table. choosing essay topics that i’m not familiar with, using the mandatory individual reading requirements to check out books i’ve been meaning to read, trying to do more than the required reading while i’m at it, etc etc. i also try to make lists of things to watch/read every summer, but usually end up being distracted with my writing projects. 

however, kinda good AND bad news. i only started getting stuck re: content consumption after moving to france and starting uni. in india my consumption was OFF THE CHARTS. eating through books and shows, doing research about all sorts of things, you name it. the good aspect of this is that as a child/teenager i already took in a way-above-average amount of information that still keeps me Smart and Cool™ in conversations to this day, but the bad aspect is that most of this was a form of escapism, a way to feed my insomnia back in the day, and then a horrible tangle with my depression which all ended in a huge mess. result: i was a pretentious fuckwit with an enormous amount of trivia in my head, but i was a manically depressed pretentious fuckwit with an enormous amount of trivia in my head, and what’s more-- the most hilarious-- i was actually terrified of moving out of my comfort zone in certain aspects. i used to read new things all the time, sure, watch new shows. but i’d also watch the same shows over and over until i memorised them, read the same books and poems out loud to myself, write the same kinds of fics, listen to the same artists. yeah, that one was weird as shit-- i couldn’t listen to new music, i just didn’t have the courage. the FIRST ever thing my therapist told me to do was check out a new artist by the time we had our second session. that’s when i discovered the national, one of the two most important bands of my life, and since that day i’ve made it a point to listen to at least one new artist a month.

anyway.

so then i moved to france, which was the best thing that could happen to me ever. however, as i quickly discovered (and sometimes still reel from), whether i like perpetuating this mindset or not (i don’t) the truth is at least for me, it seemed for a while that it was my very depression that kept me so Creative and Hungry For Knowledge and Pretentious Fuckwit. the happier i got, the “lazier” i got. i stopped writing for a year straight because i didn’t feel the urge to create anymore, i stopped consuming content because Who Cares I’m Living In The Moment I’m Finally Happy I Don’t Need To Hide Behind A Book. etcetera. most importantly: i was INSANELY focused on learning french and getting into the university of my choice, and since i kept seeing results in that department, i was happy with what my brain was doing.

then this dude broke my heart. if you’re from the jaywalkers readership, that’s when i started writing jaywalkers. you see how that doesn’t help the whole “no no, i’m only intelligent when i’m SAAAD” thing. i wrote jaywalkers, i wrote other fics, i wrote poetry, i sang songs and watched anime and read books and i used my brain more than i’d used it in the entirety of the year before this happened, and i was like, this is it. if i want to be great, i’ve got to be miserable. 

two years later, i’m here to tell you that it’s bullshit. bullshit, you’ve gotta be sad to learn things. it’s the best thing for being sad is to learn something, NOT the best thing for learning something is to be sad. i let my habit of seeking comfort by reading/writing make me believe that i could only do that when i was heartbroken. it took me two years to understand that i was wrong. i could’ve been doing all sorts of bullshit in those two years. i could’ve watched all the james bond films! i haven’t watched all the james bond films!

does that mean i’m magically feeding myself knowledge again? nope. because it’s not all about feelings. it’s also about how much time i have, how much energy (physical and mental) i have. i still have a shitty concentration span and can barely make it through a movie without getting the creepy-crawlies over my skin. i still have to do three different things simultaneously or i’ll never get any of them done. i gotta skype someone while doing the dishes. i gotta skype someone while eating. i can’t just eat. i can’t JUST read. i SURE as hell can’t just watch something. but you know what? the only reason i figured (am still figuring) all of this out is because i got rid of the initial block that said i don’t want to. i had to realise that it was up to me whether i consumed content or not, and once i did, THEN i could get to solving the practical problems that came with it.

it’s still a work in progress. a very, VERY fresh work in progress, because i’ve only started implementing big changes this spring/summer. it’s a lot of trial and error, but there’s a lot of solutions. turns out i’m better at keeping up with shows if i make it a regular date night thing with my boyfriend. i’m better at reading things on my kindle since it throws me back to my bookworm days when i had physical books. i’m actually better at listening to content sometimes, which was a huge surprise since i’ve always staunchly believed that my auditory comprehension is utter shit. but i’m still working it out u know? i’ll make it. i don’t want to stagnate anymore.

NOW. ONTO YOUR ACTUAL QUESTION.

here’s the thing, i’m REALLY shitty at keeping up with ongoing content. my preferred m.o. is waiting for whatever ongoing thing interested me to not be ongoing anymore, and then i binge. it’s a concentration/stamina/fucks thing. hence what i do is subscribe to anything i like and save it for later.

like i like knowing what my favourite authors are up to, so i subscribe to them. if an ongoing fic’s summary seems interesting i subscribe to the writer, that way if they write something shorter/complete i can check out their writing style, and i’ll still get updates if the main fic is completed. then i save those update notifs until a time that i can get to them, so that they’re little reminders in my inbox:

i also keep lists of everything that i want to check out at some point. i try not to give myself deadlines (anymore) because i literally never stick to them when it comes to consuming content and i end up feeling like shit. i used to have like, “SUMMER 2016″ lists and shit with like seven movies and three shows and i’d never do any of it completely and that sad little list would just lie there. so instead now i try to just make lists, period. it’s like a humongous queue of things that i want to check out, and whenever i have the time/willingness for it, i refer to it. 

 and then i keep a list where i keep track of what i checked out.

i find that it’s less pressurising to make a separate list of what i accomplished as opposed to having a to-do list where you check things off. because like, get this. so you have a to-do that isn’t urgent, right? not like, groceries, dinner, dishes. for those it’s totally important to have a reminder right in front of you, like do your dishes brah. but for things like this, especially for someone like me who’s a flake and will say “i’m gonna watch this movie tonight” and then will literally stare in your face without a word the entire evening and not watch the movie, it’s really shit to have a “TO DO: THINGS TO READ” which just lies untouched for a month straight.

instead, i keep a reference list. and then, when i do something, i note it down. that way i satisfy my inner list monster like “i did a thing today!” and at the same time avoid the disappointment of staring at a pileup of titles that don’t have a strikethrough. this helps with everything that isn’t urgent tbh. if you can afford it practically, don’t make a “what i have to do” list. make a “what i did today” list. it actually helps you to stay positive.

NEXT. i also always, always, always invite recs from my friends. this part involves having exceptionally patient friends, because i always ask for recs. and then i never check them out. literally me checking out a rec is a once in a blue moon thing, so my friends ( @fyolette in particular, may the lord bless her) really have a calm mind because they still always send me things they think i’ll like. i’m eternally grateful for this, ETERNALLY. 

so then i make a list of those. recs most commonly involve fics and music. i try to check out music recs within the day/week, and fic recs get tabbed on my favourite chrome extension ever: onetab.

boom. beautiful.

NEXT. how to retain all that Good Content™ that you binge? there’s no easy way, you have to figure it out on your own. before my depression hit i had an incredible memory and grasping power, basically reading through something once was enough to memorise it. this ability took a major hit in high school (which i nearly failed by the way, despite being one of the TOP students of my school), and i’ve never really come back to my full form. most days i fear that i never will, but i still have faith. it’s a long life. and hey, even if i don’t, i don’t shy from hard work. i’m willing to replace what was once natural intelligence with hours of manual labour if i have to. that’s a choice i’ll make. 

personally, saying things out loud helps me lots. making flashcards for everything too. i like anki, it’s pretty clean and friendly, but i also struggle with screens when it comes to learning. for me the best way to learn something is to write it out by hand. there’s something about the motion of writing that permanently inks things in my head, so i try to do it whenever i can. i’m trying to shift to digital methods more, though, to save time/money/resources. i like having a split-view. i’ll open whatever i’m reading on one half of the screen, and a notepad on the other, and constantly paraphrase. paraphrasing really helps me. another fantastic thing is to highlight anything unfamiliar (technical jargon, unfamiliar names, cited works, even pop culture references that you don’t get) and make it a rule to google all of it at the end of your reading session. not immediately-- you’ll get sucked into the black hole that is wikipedia and leave your novel aside. do the reading first unless your highlighted term is essential to understanding, and then check out whatever you set aside. that way you understand your current content better, and also branch out into related topics. 

i can go on about these tips for ages so if you have any specific questions/would like me to elaborate, hmu.

NEXT. your...actual...question...what content i keep up with...

so firstly, fic, because fic is life. i’m subscribed to: gentlestars, mindheist, porridgemilk, potter, retox, and rix. i’m also subscribed to a bunch of fics/series but would prefer to keep them private, so hmu off-anon if u’d like to know which ones!

i also kept up with OMGCP for an astonishingly long amount of time (for me) and then dropped off, but i do hope to catch up this summer. i adore OMGCP. i also started on WTNV the moment i realised that i’m good with audio stuff now, but i deliberately don’t binge it because its episodic narrative allows me to be sporadic, and WTNV is not something u binge. it’s something u feel in ur heart.

for music, i’m a mainstream hoe so spotify’s global top 50 is always great, i also love their daily mixes. spotify in general is fantastic, sometimes i like setting up a song radio and listening to similar music, it’s great. my cousin/best friend abhi always hits me up with fantastic music recs, he really knows my taste and knows when to insist that i listen to something. always ends up in my library.

the only thing i do on youtube is watch cooking videos and vine compilations honestly (btw nathan/ayitspnayo is the prince of my heart so i’m very much subscribed to him on snapchat, along with vice magazine and lemonde) but my favourites are sortedfood and peaceful cuisine. apart from those two the only channel i really keep up with on youtube is med school insiders. i love this dude. this dude is like my clip art older brother. 

for shows i’m currently crawling through weightlifting fairy kim bokjoo, and waiting for narcos S3 and GOT S7. i want to binge either brooklyn 99 or it’s always sunny in philadelphia, or parks and recreation. i don’t know, something funny, u know. we’ll see. 

of course it’s incomplete without a tumblr shoutout. i love lolmythesis, wizzard890,  pyrrhiccomedy, fyolette, saintjoan and some others that i don’t follow but keep bookmarked to check regularly. also, pretty random, but reddit is fantastic for trivia and more-than-trivia. the todayilearned sub is gold.

so there u go! i’m sure i’ve missed out on some stuff (it’s 4 AM how did this happen i started answering this at 2) and maybe none of this is useful as opposed to half of it being useful, but i sincerely hope that there’s a miracle and ALL of it is useful to u. it’s never too late to start learning things, and i know that it’s overwhelming when u feel like u don’t have any kind of base so u don’t know where to start. like where does one start learning the history of everything. what does one do to get to the point where u know some obscure detail about nikola tesla’s life? i feel u! i feel u! but u gotta start somewhere. pick something that interests u and branch out from it. u can’t know Everything about Everything Ever anyway, so why not accept that from the get-go and spend ur time wisely learning about what u really want to learn about! 

and it’s such a big world. i’m sure there’s so much you want to learn about. 

#teesta talks for ts #this is...long #anons #replies