#this is ramble city apologies bdnshnGzkfnh

[idiealotdontworry]

we as a society need to talk more about how the assertion that romantic love is "pure" (and thus harmless) is a misconception that causes real world harm to literally everyone on some scale.

creepiness is justified or brushed off entirely because "love!!". jealousy over your romantic interest to the point of serious psychological and physical harm to them is seen as "understandable" instead of, yknow, a dangerous over-reaction. people are told they "deserve a chance" even tho in reality nobody actually owes anyone jack shit, let alone reciprocation of romantic attachment.

the idea that romantic love is harmless leads to victims of abuse being dismissed. the idea that romantic love is always "pure" leads to people not recognizing the signs of abuse, because surely something as Pure and Good as romantic love can't hurt you, right? the pain is just how it's supposed to feel when you love someone so much? right?

yeah, no.

people are not only encouraged and expected to hurt themselves in the pursuit of romance, but actively punished if they refuse to do so (for whatever reason they may have, because at the end of the day, no reason is actually seen as "valid enough").

it's not that romance is Bad. it's not that romance is inherently abusive, predatory, or anything like that. it's just that, the assertion that romantic love is Always Pure and Wholesome and Good no matter what, is not an assertion that is congruent with reality. romance hurts people all the time- not even just in the "i had a bad breakup and now i'm heartbroken" way, but in a "i was put in real, physical and / or psychological danger because i happened to catch the romantic interest of someone i have no romantic feelings for" way.

people like to brush aside these cases as "one-off", or act like the person committing the atrocity against someone else's humanity/dignity/autonomy/life is some sort of fluke or bad apple, someone who just went out of line but we prommy YOU won't get treated like that! now go give this person you've barely spoken to a "chance" or you're a horrible heart-breaking monster.

the reality is that our society actively encourages creepy, obsessive, dangerous behavior in people who do not get the romance they want from another person. our society believes so deeply that romance is not only universally desirable, but expected and owed, such that when someone is "denied" the romance they desire, they are then perceived as justified in whatever actions they take next, cuz "broken heart" or whatever.

"I love them so much, I couldn't stand to see them with anyone else, so I killed them" is touted as a "crime of passion" and a "tragic tale of lovers", instead of "Holy Fucking Shit Someone Got Murdered Because This Guy Couldn't Take No For An Answer." I'd ask what the fuck is wrong with society, but i already know the answer.

also i shouldn't need to point this out, but this too is a racist societal construct. everything mentioned here is doubly dangerous for poc. amatonormativity, just like any other social blight rooted in bigotry, is specifically rooted in racist ideology. cishet white men feel entitled to the time, bodies, and attention of poc, especially woc, and this is only one facet of that entitlement.

romance is not only pure, wholesome, good. it's not evil, either- but it's capacity for harm is vastly understated, deliberately so, in order to uphold the bigoted structures that hold our society together at the expense of the marginalized. this is not to scare anyone away from romance or to say it's inherently bad to feel romantic feelings. only to point out the real world harm that comes from society's obsession with and consequential justification of unhealthy romantic attachment.

conversely, romantic attachment is only seen as capable of harm when it is deemed "incorrect" - aka, if it's gay, queer, trans, interracial, polyam, etc,. it is, in fact, seen as only ever capable of harm when it is not white cishet monogamous love. it's almost like the notion that romance is universally harmless was fake to begin with, and everyone knew that all along... but romance's capacity for harm is only ever brought up when it's meant to demean, persecute, or dehumanize the marginalized.... almost like amatonormativity is a social construct designed to keep the disenfranchised and their descendants in the same wake of oppression forever by any means necessary 🤔

#aro #aromantic #personal #this is ramble city apologies bdnshnGzkfnh #abuse mention #violence mention #ask to tag