#this is so long and messy and weird idk it repeats a lot hit me up im emabrrassed already

[katewaliss]

! write with me or fight with me!

you either die by my sword or the most painful head canons imaginable! *merida vc* choose yer fate

just kidding!

 hey there gaymers, i am crissy! i am 22, live in pst, go by she/her pronouns and honestly would very much like a distraction from life -- preferably in the form of 1x1 and rp in general. i am currently doing online school plus trying/failing at adulting, being a crazy pink haired college student living on microwave dimsum with my crazy fluffy demon cat, but that still leaves me with a lot of time and what better way to spend that time then crying and dying, am i right, boys? 

so without further ado ( adieu? idk gusundheit ) here are a list of discomboblulated plot things that have been floating around in my head that i might be fun to do ( plot fragments, ideas, ocs, fcs i like, settings, genres etc )! i’d prefer a message if u liked any of these in the inbox or dm form, my tumblr ims are open and my discord user is mr. worldwide#2918 ( pitbull supremacy ) but if ur shy i will message u and be annoying! 

lastly: i prefer hcing in the dms to replies, however i will do replies/ask memes slowly, i don’t really like making blogs and prefer google docs/discord and i ask ( gently and respectfully ) that minors do not interact.

thank u and happy hunger games! xx

COLLEGE TOTALLY SPIES -- i was really obsessed with this picture right here and i thought that the picture would be a good premise for a little four person group based on totally spies. i was thinking that these three college students/young adults some friends maybe not some enemies or just on completely different ends of the social agenda get bonded together when they accidentally end up roped in a top secret spy organization that is fronted by a record store. the details and flesh of the plot i think would be cute to figure out all together maybe in a google doc or a big discord so we can make the rp to perfect world building specifications. right now i have two spots open! 

my friend lexi over at comradc has taken the cool goth asian girl and is using lyrica okano

i am playing the freckly backwards hat lesbian in the red polo named aj mccallis and i think im using diana silvers ( not sure might switch to tati rodriguez )

we also have the cute blond girl w the dyed hair who is giving me kind of like sydney sweeney energies, blonde girl maybe like lalisa manoban/jinsoul,

and we have the rad black girl with the bandids who i would only accept black fcs for for such as diamond white, ryan destiny, salem mitchell, 

i’d prefer if this stayed kind of sapphic and female and enby friendly. we can def make make npcs and characters but i’d prefer if the characters looked like they do in the picture ( minus the white girls who can be racebent as long as there are vibes ) mostly bc i want the poc people to stay the correct poc! but yeah! if u like this message me specifically!!!!! seperately and hit me w a role ud like maybe an fc an idea anything < 3 im working on a google doc and discord sever

- i really want to play a himbo skater boy evan mock like its my dream i know nothing abt him other than he probably goes by something like mouth or juice or tris or dex or dante but !!!! he has buzzed hair he buzzes designs into, does stick n pokes, hates cops, will kiss anyone, likes to mosh at house shows, smokes a lot and sounds like crush from finding nemo, probably ur parents worst nightmare if im honest rodrick heffley energy -- adopt him for any plot

- i also really am obsessed with simay barlas who is my mascot rn -- i want to play her in some sort of dark academia setting with like gossip girl blair waldorf energies lu from elite and have her be really mean and cold and pretentious and play the cello and probably have secrets and be uptight idk the name mallory is resonating hard w me ( we could even do a gossip girl the secret history type group if people liked that ) 

-ok i also really really want to play streak aka silas montgomery who is like very like sidekick best friend to the golden boy main character, does a kick ass goat impression, class clown, relentlessly hits on like the most difficult person in school, does crazy things for laughs and attention, just wants to make people happy, only wears hawaiian shirts, finger guns, is going nowhere in life, his dad is probably the dean at whatever prestigious school also he is very very depressed and drinks often! love u! a I Feel Like Im The Worst So I Always Act Like Im The Best electra heart baby PINTEREST

also yes his hair is pink reg verse he did it on a dare but hp verse he did a potion wrong and it never came out

SOMEONE DO A LADY HANNIBAL WILL GRAHAM RP KILLING EVE RP W ME! i made this will graham adjacent gal for a genderbent hannigram rp her name is bisexual disaster enida johnson and sometimes goes by needy or will bc her middle name is willamena! has basically all the will things wears flannels is a mess but has a bunch of cats instead of dogs in her woods log cabin and im using crystal reed bc it fits perfect in my head idk if u like her hmu hit me w a lady hannibal PINTEREST

other stuff

ok i really want to do a princess and knight plot but with knight zendaya and princess anya taylor joy ???? ALKHALKSHALK LITERALLY HELLO literally modern or like dnd style i do not care but know i love dnd! we could make it like them goin on some skyrim quests like hi

speaking of dnd and skyrim if anyone wants to do like anything based in dnd stuff or skyrim stuff i am DOWN

jennifers body plot!!!! maybe set in college!!!!! sounds spicy i will do a f/f or m/m version leggo leggo 

UNTIL DAWN UNTIL DAWN!!!! i wanted to do a little like 6 person or mumu until dawn thing where everyone either makes new characters or characters based on the existing six! i made a girl adjacent josh character named riley PINTEREST who i love very much ( fc might change im thinking maybe medallion rahimi ) pls hmu if ur down

i looooooove breakfast at tiffanys!!!! like i really love breakfast at tiffanys we love a call girl broody author ship and i want to play a mishti rahman holly golightly type character so so bad 

pygmalion plot!!! basically like an author and the main character of their book comes to life and the book character is probably from a different period of time or realm so doesnt know how to do modern 2020 stuff like microwaves and the tv! and then maybe they get sucked into the characters book world thats written by the author and have to navigate that! enchanted! w the kdrama! energy!

GOSSIP GIRL PLOT ENERGIES

any sort of the secret history murder society until dawn ahs horror type setting i am on a kick rn 

i still really want a deaf sailor and siren plot bc that is so spicy or even like anything involving sirens like maybe one thats like vegetarian and doesnt like to eat humans so it ariel rescues one and keeps it safe!! or like only men are susceptible to the sirens song but aha! i am a woman! Romance!

anything in the realm of percy jackson i love mythology lets go i kind of want a echo narcisuss plot and i want it to hurt me so bad 

i will do harry potter stuff but only if its completely removed from the current canon like years in the future no existing families also maybe beauxbatons salem and drumstrang plots bc thats what matters

iiiiiiiii really like anime so i will do anything kakegurui, soul eater, ohshc

i kind of like grew up on the hunger games so i will gladly take any hunger games plots like young effie and haymitch is spicy or like a career tribute and one of the weaker poorer distracts enemies to lovers leggo

i have a kind of oc that had their parents die in a factory gas leak that was the governments fault and it turned them into a vigilante assasin that is slowly picking off bootlicker government people one by one pretending to be one of them until bam! gets attached to the rich asshole son or daughter of the head hauncho or one of the higher ups ... drama

rich little celebrity fussy wussy being held captive by the mafia and the tired stoic mafia guard but they fall in love 

i kind of like any plot that involves one person that is really loud or angry or dramatic or whiny and the other one is kind of sweet and gentle or does not talk much idk make brain happy 

speaking of!

no nonsense law student studying abroad in a european country and an artist there falls in love w them and is all romantic and gush and is like ur my muse!!! and they are like Go awAy and they explore the city together and themelseves its nice!

i want to be an avan jogia super villain idk why i need to but i do 

not to be a disney adult bc i am not but anastasia princesses dont kiss kitchen boys 

rival cheer captians? best friends brother? pop princess celebrity singer and like antiestablishment really angry rockstar in a publicity relationship? broody detective and sunshiney diner person that works at the diner they eat at everyday?

idk i will think of more hmu these can all be made f/f or m/m if they arent 

#1x1 #1x1 rp #1x1 roleplay #plots #this is so long and messy and weird idk it repeats a lot hit me up im emabrrassed already

[remuscore]

I'm enjoying this au too much lmao I'm sorry for the person I have become but since I cannot draw for awhile, y'all are gonna get small oneshots of them instead.

Warnings: Descriptions of a dead body, a little bit of body horror?? Idk what else. Oh yeah and since pronouns don't matter in this au, I used mostly she/they for Janus just cause that's what I ended up writing

_____________

Virgil remembers little of his rebirth.

He remembers sitting and waiting in a small dim room, filled with sheet covered science equipment and dusty glass tubes. He didn’t have the best hearing after it all― they always felt clogged― but he remembers hearing that smooth voice from the other side of the door talking about things he couldn’t understand. He remembers Janus coming in and wiping their hands on their pants despite their gloves, shaking them out to release some buzzing excitement. They had smiled at Virgil and said it was time to show him off.

After that was a blur of yelling and hands trying to grab him and suddenly Janus had grabbed their arm and they appeared in a little old cabin in a forest.

Virgil had a lot of nightmares of hands and tearing after that night. He would trace the missing fingers that someone had stolen when they grabbed his hand. Now, Janus had gotten him some form of prosthetic so that he could still use his hand, wooden joints and bones melding into the taunt flesh. Virgil often got stuck staring at them, just trying to bend the bark.

“Good morning, Virgil,” Janus said, descending the rickety steps of the cabin. Their cape dragged on the floor and trailed soft yellow petals with it. They didn’t need to step over any loose rocks or twigs, the objects simply moving out of the way when she came near. She smiled at their experiment as they put in their earrings. “How did you rest?”

Virgil kept silent like usual. Talking either caused black gunk to spit from his teeth or was just useless babbling. Most of the time it was both. It was hard to talk when all your muscles were only strong enough to hold your head up. He wanted to talk. It felt like hell not being able to say a single word since he had been awakened.

“Not going to try today?” they asked. Once their earrings were all on, they sat on the steps besides Virgil. She had made some furniture out of wood, but they weren’t the best. Her magic was more about science and spells than making things, hence why Virgil was such a disaster. “Do you want to try a ‘hello’ or maybe a ‘hi’ at the very least?”

Virgil didn’t care about those things. He just wanted to ask one thing. One syllable.

Why.

It was a long struggle on the ‘wh’ just trying to get past that point. It was already gathering spit and falling from his lips, but this is the farthest he’s gotten so far. Janus was grinning nonetheless, pointed teeth barred. Virgil had the sudden thought that maybe Janus thought he had said ‘hi’ but just a really messed up one, so he tried again. Repeating the word with more strength to his broken voice to make it more obvious. Janus just nodded in delight.

“That’s very good, Virgil,” she praised. Their hand came up to wipe away a bit of sludge that had dribbled down his chin and heading towards the stitches in his neck. “I know it must be frustration now with having to relearn these skills from when you were a child, but you’ll get there in―”

“Why?” Virgil interrupted angrily. He jabbed his chest with his stiff fingers, hitting the large stitches in his chest from where his organs had been taken out and put back in. He jabs the same hand into Janus’ chest too, making her pull back in surprise and rub the spot. “Why? Why?”

“Why?” Janus parrots, ears lowering. Her expression turned sad as she looked at how hard Virgil was hitting his chest (he didn’t have any control of his strength now that his nervous system wasn’t working. He was completely numb). “Why… why what?”

“Why!?” Virgil shouts in a volume that shocked even him. His body really is all out of control. He pushes Janus' chest this time, shoving her back against the banister. “Why me? You? Why you— to me?”

It was so humiliating how hard it was to get those words out. He had to swallow pointlessly against the gunk under his tongue. It was pouring out his mouth now. He brought up his hands to try and wipe it away, but he still couldn’t make a fist or turn his wrist to use his palm so all he did was smear the gunk on his fingertips.

Janus gets up suddenly and Virgil doesn’t watch to see where they’re going. He felt like he wanted to cry in anger, but didn’t know if he even could. He hasn’t drank or eaten anything since he was alive. Janus returns to the step and reaches out to him again, wiping away all the drool with a cloth. Virgil let them just because he didn’t feel like trying to do it himself and risked humiliating himself more.

“Why did I bring you back?” Janus said, clarifying that that was what Virgil was trying to say. He nodded with a sharp jerk up and down with his head. They sighed softly. They folded the cloth over to the dry side and continued cleaning his face. “To tell the truth, you were the freshest body on such short notice. They haven't cremated or buried you yet, so it was easy for me to just take you and bring you back. And I know stealing a body isn’t exactly ethical, but I was saving a family from the heartbreak of identifying your body. Sure, it was probably frightening to hear your son died and someone had stolen his body and next thing you know, you’re watching the news and hear about a local manic that had—”

They stopped themself and shook their head, laughing faintly. “Anyways there was no significance on why I chose you. You died from the drug I needed and were healthy enough to keep all original parts. I’m sorry I don’t have a better reason.”

She pulled away finally and took Virgil’s messy mistake, wiping at his fingers. The black sludge was stubbornly sticking to his wooden fingers and Janus had to adjust their grip on it to wipe more furiously. They sighed again in frustration.

“I didn’t expect anything like this,” they said, their normally smooth and controlled voice was now bitter and imperfect, a small lisp slipping through. “I thought my notes would at least be taken into account. They were all so impressed by the doll and yet when I showed them you, no! That is sick and disgusting! I brought a man back to life using the same drug that killed him and that was all they had to say about my findings? It’s ridiculous!”

They stop. Virgil still has stuff in between the cracks in the wood. Janus’ thumb brushes against what would be the nail and Virgil could almost feel it. It was a weird feeling. He wonders if he’ll ever forget what it’s like to feel.

“I’m sorry,” Janus gasps and Virgil looks up. Her eyes are screwed shut and they rub their forehead, mouth pulled down into a harsh frown. “God, I’m so sorry. What have I done?”

Virgil wasn’t sure what to do. He didn’t know Janus, they were just forced together now. Janus was a big question mark in the beginning but now they’re an even bigger question mark with how their morals kept switching around. Just seconds ago she was boasting about what she did and now she’s apologizing for it? And Virgil couldn’t bring himself to be angry either way because on one hand they had brought him back to life which was honestly amazing because Virgil distinctly remembered not wanting to die when he was dying, but on the other hand Janus had stolen his body from his family and he is practically a prisoner here because if he were to go back to human society, he would probably be euthanized or worse; dissected and studied like a rat, never to die because his existence is revolutionary.

That’s another reason why Virgil couldn’t bring himself to be mad at them. She practically saved his life.

She was a weirdo freak, but Virgil guessed he was now too.

So he brought up his hand and placed it on their head, making them stop. He dragged his hand slowly through their hair, combing through any small knots and petals stuck in there. They opened their eyes and they looked so sad. Virgil didn’t understand why, but maybe she just felt guilty. Maybe she should be, but Virgil still didn’t want them to be.

“Don’—” spit flew from his mouth and his lip twitched into an annoyed scowl. “Do… no’ cry.”

“I’m not crying, dear,” Janus awed, bringing up her now empty hands and holding Virgil’s face in her hands, pressing against the stitches. He knew she wasn’t crying, but it was easier to say than don’t beat yourself up about it. “At least you’re nice. I don’t know if I could handle a mean little monster.”

Virgil grunted. Guess he was a monster now.

#remuscore #janus sanders #virgil sanders #monster au #fic #body horror #tw death

[vanillann]

the 1994 battle of the performers (luke patterson x f.reader)

i. love. this. series. (also i hope you like this chapter idk how i feel about it)

word count: 2.3k

the 1994 battle of the performers masterlist

Chapter 2: Spaghetti Night

“Crap!”

My heel hit the leg of the coffee table, my body going numb at the idea of ruining my knee. As I watched myself almost hit the hard ground of the studio, I felt two hands grab my shoulder.

I was bought slowly to the ground by two of the dancers, Florence and Regan, as they made sure I was okay. A few other girls we had recruited of the dance number rushed to my side, each asking was okay. Devon, the male dancer for the team asked a few other girls to step back as he checked my knee.

“Does it hurt?”

“I’m fine, I didn’t even hit the ground,” it wasn’t a lie, that fall didn’t affect my knee badly and after a few minute break, I’d be back to choreographing the team.

“Milo’s was looking-“

A few girls looked over their shoulders when we heard the band walk in through the open doors of the studio.

“What happened?”

Luke almost dropped his glass as he hurried to one side, Reggie to my other quickly.

“I’ll get the first aid kit,” Bobby’s voice echoed over the room but before I could stop him Alex was rushing him out the room.

“My heel hit the coffee table, I’m fine,” I did my best to calm each member of the band, Reggie easily calmed down once I had a quick smile. Alex didn’t say anything as he hovered over me, keeping an eye on Devon as he touched my knee.

“We can get rid of the coffee table”, Luke spoke, watching Devon’s finger ghost over my knee before he spoke up.

“Maybe you shouldn’t do that since you aren’t a doctor.”

“I read about different techniques to massage hurt muscles when I found out about (Y/N) injury,” he spoke back, smiling to me before I pushed his hand away.

“Thank you, Devon, but I’m fine.”

“I got the first aid kit,” Bobby yelled back, holding above his head and pushing through the group.

“I’m fine,” I was exhausted at repeating the words at this point, I just felt and I’d be fine.

“Your heels are bleeding.”

I looked up at Alex, following his line of sight to my heel that hit the coffee table. It wasn’t a lot of blood, I didn’t even notice it, but it was enough to have everyone in the room panic.

“I’ll do it,” Luke ripped the bandaid from Bobby’s hand but I grabbed it from his own.

“I’m not a child, I can take care of myself,” I opened it up and handed the trash to Reggie who held his hand out for it.

“I think practice is over for today,” Alex turned to the members, each one agreeing that I needed a break.

“No! We’ve only been going for like an hour!”

“More like three,” Luke squeezed my shoulder and pointed to the clock on the wall, surely it wasn’t almost five?

“We will meet Monday afternoon,” Regan held her hand out to me, which I happily took. Luke was at my side, his hands ghosting around me but never touching me.

“But-“

“Shhh!” Alex held his finger over my mouth, quickly pulling it away once he realized.

“Sorry I forgot we aren’t that close-“

“It’s fine, we are close enough for you to be honest with me,” I smiled, sincere with him. Alex was nervous about my presence, I could tell how he avoided certain jokes and such. I just wanted him to understand that at this point, they were the closest friends I got.

“Hey, call me later and we can go over different ideas,” Devon pulled me from my thought, smiling as he wrapped one arm around me and brought me to his side.

“Uhm, yeah sure,” I spoke gently, giving his side a squeeze and nodding once he let go.

“Bye guys,” I waved everyone off, each saying it back and leaving down the long driveway of Bobby’s house.

“Are you sure you’re okay?”

I looked over my shoulder and Reggie and smiled.

“I’m fine, you all need to stop making a scene,” I went to move to the couch but my leg cramped up, my face morphing into one of discomfort.

“Making a scene, huh?”

I said nothing about Luke’s comment and grabbed his arm instead, each boy in a panic and not knowing if they could touch me or not.

“It’s fine, I don’t bite.”

As soon as I spoke, I felt hands on my let’s and arm, each trying to help the situation but making it incredibly awkward.

“How about I sit on the couch?”

Each agreed, weird shuffling to the couch that was against the wall. Once I made it and I turned around and flopped backward, letting go of Luke’s arm in the process.

I closed my eyes, letting my palm dig at it for a minute before I noticed the burned feeling on my face. As I opened my eyes, each boy watched me with worry.

“I am fine, I’m going to malfunction if I have to say it again!”

I knew it was out of worry, if I wasn’t running off adrenaline I would have been more worried. After the revelation two weeks ago I had been pushing myself, thinking I was the same dancer I was before.

But I wasn't. I felt more and I had to think about moves more often, I wasn’t the same dancer and I thought the more I kept the dancer the more would come back to me.

But that didn’t look to be the case.

“I need to get home,” I muttered, smiling slightly when the cramp went away.

“Are you gonna be okay?”

I nodded, sitting up straighter with no help and pushing off the couch as if nothing happened.

“I’m not in a nursing home for a reason,” I winked at Alex, gaining soft chuckles from the other members.

It was nice, feeling like we were all friends. I couldn’t tell if we were or not. I only ever came over for practice and we didn’t speak about much besides the battle or sometimes about Milo’s, but otherwise, that was the end. But sometimes we’d be sitting around waiting for the other dancers, and it felt light and airy, easy. We could laugh and make little jokes with each other, it just would’ve been nice to be able to call them friends.

They were good guys, I knew that.

“Boys!”

I looked around the boys to see a taller woman, smiling widely at the band. She was gorgeous with tan skin and messy hair. She had wild curls and older band tees that had some holes around the collar.

“Dinner,” the woman, who I was pretty sure was Bobby's mother, held her arm out as if to tell the boys they could exit.

Each jumped with joy, smiling as they all made their way from the studio to the driveway.

“You must be (Y/N), the boys told me about you,” she smiled as I slowly made my way out, not as excited as the boys who were already at the door waiting.

“Nice to meet you,” I smiled, proud to have finally met the woman who’s been letting me dance in her studio.

“Even nicer to meet you,” she took a right, walking to the door of the gorgeous house. I took a left, prepared to hit the sidewalk and make it back to my empty house.

“Where are you going?”

I turned around, watching as Bobby and his mother waved me over, holding the door open for me while Alex, Reggie, and Luke waited inside.

“Oh I can’t Ms-“

“Call me Heather,” she called back, jogging slightly as she left Bobby to hold the door. She jogged till she stood in front of me, guiding my shoulders back to the house.

“Dinner is on us,” she smiled, watching me as I grabbed the railing to the small steps and walked up. Bobby smiled as he gave a joking bow, a smile gracing my lips and Reggie was jumping at the scene.

“It’s a tradition that to be part of the band you have to eat at the Wilson household,” Reggie smiled larger as I actually walked in the house.

“I’m not part of the band,” I corrected, pointed a finger over my shoulder as I admired the high ceilings and the beautiful wooden architect.

“Eh, close enough,” Luke pulled the back of my shirt, silently telling me to follow him. It wouldn’t be hard to find the kitchen by the way the smell cascaded each hall, making the house feel homer than ever.

As I stepped foot into the dining area, I saw Alex finding a plate in a cabinet and setting it at the table.

“Mr. Wilson out of town,” Heather muttered, filling in the small blanket she assumed I had.

“You know what that means!”

Each boy seemed to jump over this news, which was odd. Who wanted their parents out of town?

“Spaghetti night!”

The boys seemed even more excited, taking their seats with giant smiles on their faces. I said nothing, still taking in the family photos of the happy family and the gorgeous china.

“I think we’ve overwhelmed her,” Alex whispered, not quite enough but still light.

“I just didn’t expect this,” I didn’t know how to explain it but it was weird eating a meal at a table with people, I hadn’t done it in so long.

“Well expect it now,” Luke but back, patting the seat between Alex and him, Reggie and Bobby on the other side with a spot for Bobby’s mom.

“Ready!”

I had barely made it to my seat when Luke was pulling me down, smiling widely as Bobby’s mother walked out with a giant bowl of noodles in one hand and sauce in the other.

“Bobby dear, grab the breadsticks,” she called as she placed the bowls in the center of the table. Bobby wasted no time as he hurried to the kitchen for the breadsticks.

“You’ll love this,” Luke smiled, reaching for the silverware in the noodle bowl. I was shocked when he grabbed my plate, placing food on it, instead of his own.

“Heather taught me how to be a gentleman,” Luke spoke as he gave my plate back, sending a wink my way in the process.

I hide my smile with my hand, turning to look the other way to come face to face with Alex.

“You need to try it first, band rule,” he pointed around the table as all eyes waited for me to dive into the food. I decided not to wait, as Luke looked like he was going to cry if he didn’t eat soon, rolling some around on my fork before I brought it to my lips.

The noodles were perfectly done and the sauce absorbed itself perfectly. I could taste a hit of basil and maybe some pepper as the food melted on my tongue. I smiled as I chewed, giving a big thumbs up once I finally swallowed.

“Yes!”

Each boy didn’t waste time, reaching for breadsticks and carrots, laughing about lord knew what as they did so.

“So (Y/N),” Luke turned to me halfway through the night, spaghetti sauce smeared across his chin.

“-How does it feel to officially join Sunset Curve,” he smiled goofily, doing his best not to show he was speaking with food in his mouth.

“I’m not a part of Sunset Curve, remember?”

“Well you’re the official choreographer of Sunset Curve,” he spoke back, picking up a breadstick and smashing it in his mouth.

I only laughed, not worried about it too much. I was on the band until the battle then we’d move on. It’d be nice to be friends with the guys but that didn’t mean we’d still talk.

It would be fun while it lasted.

“I have a mason jar in my mailbox, Milo says you need an official one,” Heather spoke, smiling widely as I did my best to keep my drink down.

“That’s not necessary,” I tried to argue but Alex placed a hand on my shoulder.

“You can’t get out of this one,” he gave me a straight face but as soon as I started laughing he followed behind me.

“I’m sorry,” I laughed along, trying to look back at Alex but every time we did we started laughing again.

“Is there an inside joke I’m not getting?”

Reggie’s words caused Alex and me to laugh harder, trying my best to calm my nerves for the first time that day.

“They are going to rise against us now,” Bobby spoke up, standing from the table dramatically and moving to get something from the kitchen. Alex bumped his shoulder with mine, making my nerves from earlier disappear completely.

The dinner went on with laughs and jokes, which made me feel truly like a member of the band.

“I should really head home,” I spoke as Bobby took my plate to be washed off, placing the napkin that Luke put on my lap as a joke back on the table.

“Let me walk you,” Luke stood up beside me, handing his plate to Reggie who followed Bobby into the kitchen.

“I’m fine.”

“What if you fall?”

I rolled my eyes, waving to Heather who was in the kitchen, thanking her for the nice home-cooked meal.

“I’m not dancing, I can walk perfectly fine,” I said my goodbye’s, Alex giving a quick side hug with his before I walked to the door with Luke trailing after me.

“But-“

“I’m fine,” I spoke for the millionth time that day, smiling over my shoulder and I left the warm house to the cold outdoors.

“Fine, if you fall scream,” Luke crossed his arms, watching me walk down the stairs to the long driveway.

“Will do!”

I have a thumbs up over my shoulder, not daring to look back as I made my way down the driveway to the sideway.

“I mean really yell,” his voice echoed back, making a laugh boil over to the night sky above me.

“I’ll scream bloody murder just for you Patterson!”



the 1994 battle of the performers taglist:

@gia-kerks @notwonder-woman @poisoned-girl @phantompogues @dovesgrangers





#luke patterson x y/n #luke patterson x reader #luke patterson #luke julie and the phantoms #jatp x reader #julie and the phantoms x reader #julie and the phantoms #reggie peters #alex mercer #bobby wilson

[spaceskam]

Could you write a quarantine Malex fic? Because being actually quarantined is driving me crazy

I got you anon! Here’s 3k of fluff for you!

warning: mentions of alcohol abuse

ao3

“Move.”

Alex did as he was told, confusion all over his face as Micahel came in with two arms full of grocery bags. The door telekinetically slammed behind him and Alex followed him to the kitchen where he dropped everything on the counter so he could put everything up.

After watching Michael spiral for a few weeks too long, Alex had made a deal with him. He would let Alex help him get sober and get through the hard times and then that would be it. Alex would leave him alone forever. That was the deal. That deal didn’t include grocery shopping.

“So, um, what’s going on?” he asked.

“We’re quarantining,” Michael said right back.

“Excuse me?”

“There’s a virus going around,” Michael answered. That didn’t get rid of Alex’s confusion.

“Yeah, I know. That doesn’t explain why you’re here with groceries and,” he paused to peak into one bag, “Cleaning supplies.”

“If you get it, it’ll make it a million times harder for you to get around because it’ll be harder for you to breathe. And that’s best-case scenario. So, instead of risking it, I’m keeping you here until it’s over,” Michael decided. Alex still stared at him in confusion.

“You can’t keep me here.”

“Uh, sure I can. You can work from home and, since I can’t get sick, I’ll do all your grocery shopping. You just have to put up with me for the next couple weeks,” Michael said, flashing a smile, “We can clean today.”

Alex scoffed, “This is weird. Even for you, Guerin.” He shrugged his shoulders.

“Well, you’re helping me out by making sure I stay sober, so I’ll help you out by making sure you don’t get sick,” he said.

“So, what, you’re just gonna stay here?”

“Yeah, to keep you company,” Micahel said.

Alex didn’t know how to respond to that. It was so weird to see him like this. Sure, Alex had gotten little tastes since they agreement, but this was... This was Micahel all but moving in with him. This was what he wanted so bad under circumstances he hated.

“You don’t... You don’t have to do this, you know? Don’t feel obligated to, like, chill with me during the plague,” Alex said. Michael just shrugged again.

“I want to.”

-

“You’re tense.”

“I’m always tense.”

“That doesn’t make it okay.”

Alex heaved a sigh and looked up to where Michael was standing in the hallway. It reminded Alex of that deal they made. That deal was becoming harder each day when Michael kept blurring the lines.

Today, those lines were blurred by him taking a shower and putting on Alex’s clothes when he got out. For the first time ever, Alex’s clothes were baggy on him because he wasn’t taking care of himself and had gotten painfully thin. His hair was wet and messy, curls slowly forming as they dripped water droplets onto the collar of the AirForce pullover. He looked so soft and sweet that it made Alex’s head hurt.

“Did you dry the floor this time?” Alex asked, rubbing his forehead as an excuse not to keep looking at him.

“Yeah,” Michael answered, his feet padding against the floor as he walked closer. The sound hurt Alex in an unexplainable way. “Sorry about last time.”

“It’s okay.”

“Not really,” Michael said. Alex could feel his eyes burning holes into the side of his head. He’d gone in the bathroom to take a shower after Michael and found the floor covered in water. He’d slipped and hit his head on the counter when he tried to catch himself.

“I’m fine,” Alex reinforced. Michael was silent and still for a few seconds, so Alex started trying to focus on his work again. Except then the soft sounds of his feet started again and his heart ached a little more. Maybe this was a bad idea.

He zoned out of his work and into the sound of another person’s footsteps against his floor. For a moment, he wondered what it would be like if he didn’t live alone. He imagined that this was their house, their space. He imagined waking up in the middle of the night to hear him tinkering about on the porch or humming to himself two rooms away or making coffee in the kitchen. He didn’t realize how much he ached for that.

Except he did realize it. It just hurt to have only half of it.

Alex jumped when something warm touched his neck. He looked up to see Michael looking down at him with tired eyes, adjusting the heating pad to cover his shoulders.

“You’re tense,” Micahel repeated, “You kept rolling your shoulders.”

“I didn’t notice,” Alex said quietly, staring at him in confusion. What the fuck was he doing? Was he just trying to make things worse for Alex?

“I know, you never do,” Michael answered. He adjusted it one last time before walking away and collapsing on the large armchair. Alex watched with a heavy heart as he curled up, pulling the collar of Alex’s pullover over his nose.

How the hell was he supposed to focus with that in his face?

-

Alex woke up in his bed. Which wouldn’t have been confusing if he hadn’t fallen asleep on the couch.

He sat up and looked around, but nothing seemed to be too out of place. His blankets had been drawn back and covered him, his lights were out, his fan was on, his TV was softly playing reruns of The Office. It looked exactly like he’d brought himself to bed. But his crutches were leaned against his the nightstand with a little sticky note and he knew for a fact that he didn’t do that.

‘you fell asleep on the couch so put you in bed hope that’s okay MG’

Alex’s heart swelled in adoration as he sunk into his bed, involuntary tears springing to his eyes. He couldn’t exactly pinpoint what about it had touched him so much. Was it the simple fact that he’d bothered to move him at all? Was it that he knew what kept him calmest when he slept? Was it that it was Michael in particular and he cared? He couldn’t be sure, so he considered that it was all three.

He searched for his phone and found it on the opposite bedside table and plugged into the charger which just made him feel that much more loved. He didn’t understand how they’d come to this. It was overwhelming at the very least.

Why did he have to be so perfect when he knew there was a time limit on it?

Alex: idk if you’re up and I don’t wanna wake you, so thanks. I would’ve really regretted not sleeping in a bed if it weren’t for you

Micahel: you got me, i got you

Alex folded his lips in and sunk right back into his bed, pulling his blanket over his head. For the first time in a long time, Alex smiled purely and unabashedly. He even flailed a little bit. He felt like a teenager again.

Leave it to Michael fucking Guerin to make him feel that way.

-

“I’m going to kill you.”

“Whatever you say, buckaroo.”

“Oh my God.”

Quarantine was a lot less fun five days in. Or, honestly, it might just be the fact that neither of them had ever shared space like this before. Most of their alone time only lasted a few hours. Now, though, they were truly getting a full living together experience. Apparently, that’s all Alex needed to get rid of that gooey, 17-again feeling Micahel gave him.

“Okay, listen, I’m going to go take a shower. When I get out, you are going to stop making buzzing noises while telekinetically flying your paper airplane into my head, do you understand?” Alex said sternly.

Michael raised a challenging eyebrow and, again, the airplane flew into the air, doing a few loops before pelting Alex square in the chest.

Alex heaved a heavy breath and glared at him, trying not to give in to the urge to scream at him. Instead, he swiftly turned around made his way towards the bathroom. He stepped inside, leaving his crutches right outside the door, and was thankful that Michael had picked up his towel and dried the floor. With a sigh, Alex turned on the shower and let it heat up as he sat down and started to undress.

As the steam began to fog up the room, words in Michael’s handwriting started appearing on the mirror.

fixed it

Alex snorted, letting a bit of his annoyance roll off his shoulders. He shook his head and rubbed his temples and tried to remember that, all in all, this was a good thing. He liked having Michael around more than he got on his nerves. They just really needed to work on getting their own, personal alone time. Maybe he could talk about that with him.

Strategically, Alex moved from his place on his stool to the bench in the shower. It had taken a lot of practice, but now he was able to do it like second nature. However, he was shocked to feel his shower actually have somewhat decent water pressure for once. He thought about the message on the mirror and smiled.

Maybe he could get used to this.

-

Alone time, Alex had said. Alone time, Michael had agreed.

And yet, even in the depths of the bunker while knowing Michael was cooking in the kitchen, he still managed to be interrupted by that goddamn paper airplane. It flew around mindlessly and Alex was beginning to wonder if he was even doing it on purpose at the point or if it was just a way to let out some energy when they were confined.

The paper airplane had originally started as just a standard paper airplane. Now, three days later, it’d become some fucking replica of a fighter jet that was fully colored and decorated. Last time Alex had taken a good look at it, he noticed there was a little arrow pointing to the pilot that said ‘Alex’. He tried not to show how adorable he thought that was.

He couldn’t lie, though, he was really fucking proud of Michael. The entire time he’d been stuck inside with not much to do and he hadn’t even really seemed eager to drink. The couple times he did seem outwardly down, he was open to talking about it so he didn’t do something too bad. Alex appreciated that.

It made him think a little more each day that living together may not be a bad thing. Maybe, in the long run, it was a good thing.

“Alex, the plane means dinner!” Michael called. Foolishly, Alex grinned and shook his head, moving his laptop to the side before going to climb up the ladder. Michael was waiting for him when he reached the top. “Come eat.”

“I’m coming, I’m coming.”

With a little help, Alex got to his feet and they both headed for the kitchen to have dinner. Michael was becoming quite the connoisseur when it came to cooking, trying something a little more out there for each meal. Again, despite the annoyances, it was a pro to the reasons he liked living with him list.

“So, um, I’ve been thinking,” Michael said halfway through their meal, “Remember our deal?”

Alex shifted uncomfortably in his seat. “Yeah.”

“Okay, so, you know how we said once I get better, you’d leave me alone?” Alex nodded slowly. “Well, right, so the thing about addiction is... I’m never really going to be better. It’s going to be something I struggle with for the rest of my life.”

Alex took a breath and tried not to get his hopes up. “Okay. So, what does that mean for our situation?”

“Uh, well, whenever we made that deal, I kinda just wanted to piss you off and hurt your feelings,” Micahel said, avoiding eye contact, “Sorry, by the way.”

“You were going through stuff.”

“Yeah. So, I think we can still hang out and stuff. Like, I don’t want you to leave me alone. Would you be okay with that?” Michael asked. Alex let out a soft breath and nodded, relaxing in his chair.

“Of course,” Alex said. Except Michael still was fidgeting like that wasn’t his only question. “What?”

“So, uh, different time I was trying to piss you off, I said we were bad and I wanted to be good for someone,” Michael pointed out. Now Alex actually held his breath. “I think I got that wrong too. I think I wanna... I want us to be good for each other. Is that okay?”

Alex swallowed hard and bit back a smile, nodding his head. This felt fake. Honestly, it probably was fake. No way he got so many good things happening during a fucking plague.

“Yeah, yes, I want that too,” Alex said, “I think we are. I mean, we’ve been doing good at communicating. It feels good.”

Michael finally looked up to him, grinning a bit as he did so. Alex fell a little more in love if that was even possible. He was tempted to kiss him, tempted to admit that he never stopped loving him, tempted to do a lot of things. Instead, he waited.

“Great,” Michael said, biting on his bottom lip, “So you’re not fed up with me and ready to kick me out?”

Alex laughed softly, “No, not yet. Even when you’re annoying, I still like having you around.”

“Oh, thank God, me too,” Michael laughed. They stared at each other for a moment, smiling until it got weird. It took a minute for it to get weird. “So, um, maybe we can go on a date?”

“You think we can go places? I thought you were scared I was going to get sick,” Alex pointed out. Michael rolled his eyes.

“I was thinking maybe going for a walk in the woods, just me ‘n you tomorrow.”

Alex chewed on the inside of his lip for a moment to try and taper his excitement before he nodded.

“Yeah, that sounds good.”

-

“No offense, but I’m getting really fucking tired of being stuck with nothing to do.”

“None taken.”

Alex groaned dramatically as he dragged himself to his room again. They still had at least another week and, honestly, Alex felt like it was only going to get longer. Or, at least feel longer. As much as he liked having Micahel in his the house and around, he also was craving some sense of normalcy.

Which, in itself felt insane. When had his life ever truly been normal?

“I’m running out of things to do,” Michael said from the bathroom connected to Alex’s room. The door was open and he was massaging curl cream into his hair. It was something so small, but Alex loved seeing it. Moments like that were one of the few things keeping him sane.

“Me too.”

“Well, you know,” Michael started, a smirk on his face even though Alex couldn't see it, “We could-”

“No, we’re being good,” Alex laughed as he sat down on his bed. Though the thought had crept into his mind more than a few things. However, he was determined to try and keep whatever bit of normalcy he could obtain. If that meant still taking this thing with Michael step by step, he was going to do it.

“I know, I know. I’m just... I’m ready for something to change, you know? Not between us, just in general. I’m in a rut, it’s kinda fucking with my head,” he admitted. Alex let himself get serious and he watched Michael a little more closely.

“Do you need to talk about it?” he asked. Micahel shrugged.

“I feel like there’s nothing to talk about. I just got used to having a distraction, I guess, and I’m running out of them.”

“I understand. Not in exactly the same way, but I do,” Alex told him. Michael took a deep breath and stared at himself in the mirror for a moment.

In the few weeks he’d been staying there, Alex had been able to watch him put on some weight again. He looked a whole lot better and that felt good. Amongst all the bullshit in the world, there were always silver linings.

“How about this,” Alex said, “You can stay in here with me tonight. Nothing questionable, but we’re still mixing it up.”

Michael looked over at him with a sweet little smile. “Yeah?”

“I got you, you got me, right?” Alex asked. Micahel visibly relaxed and nodded.

Alex scooted closer to the wall to make space for another body in his bed. Michael was hesitant to come closer, shutting off all the lights and turning on the fan as well as putting The Office on before even coming close. He crawled onto the bed and, instead of laying in the open space left for him, placed himself right in the 4-inch gap between Alex and the wall.

“Oh, okay,” Alex mused, reveling in the sound of Michael’s unabashed laughter.

He wrapped his arms around him and gave him a tight squeeze. Michael buried his face in the crook of his neck, cuddling up to him in a way he didn’t think either of them had had in a while. Even when Alex had tried other relationships, it always felt weird to cuddle up so tight with someone else. He had to assume that, from Michael’s behavior, he hadn’t really gotten that either.

“I missed this,” Michael whispered, nuzzling his nose against the stubble Alex had been growing on his jaw.

“Me too,” Alex said right back, “And, I promise, this whole quarantine thing isn’t forever. It’ll end, I promise.”

He could feel Michael breathing against his neck as he took in his words, accepting them as truth. He knew he needed to hear it. And, honestly, so did Alex. This wasn’t forever. It would end.

But feeling him so close to him again? That he could handle a forever of.

#malex #malex fic #alex manes #michael guerin #roswell new mexico #my fic #prompts #pure fluff for you all

[minkdenmilo]

💙 Autism Trait Listing Time 💙

I am self-diagnosed as of now but I'm in the process of trying to get tested and my diagnosed friend said that a lot of what I told her lines up so it's likely I am autistic.

+ Constant Fidgeting: Bouncing of my leg, Tapping of my fingers - If I stop I am physically uncomfortable and tend to shake my ankle/foot or shake my wrist/hand

+ Sensory Oveload at Noise: Usually it's not the loudness of noise for me, but the overlapping of noises. Hearing a television play a show + someone talking + someone somewhere else talking etc. makes me get a headache and I sometimes feel like crying because I can't focus or really hear myself think.

+ Sensitivity to Sudden/Loud Noises: I flinch and startle at loud noises frequently- to the point in which it is noticeable by friends. If the bell goes off when I don't expect it to or the fire alarm I nearly fall out of my chair. If my dad raises his voice or if anyone gets upset and raises there voice I instantly assume they're yelling and tense up- even if they're just raising their voice a little.

+ Tactical/Texture Sensitivity: I detest certain textures and actively avoid them like cotton balls (which feel like how nails on a chalkboard sound), fennel/rosemary, any texture in drinks, nuts in bread, etc. in which my family has noticed and teased me over. Where as other textures I adore and constantly seek out like tree bark or soft fur like textures.

+ Stimming(?): I constantly pick at my skin and when I try to stop I can briefly before I go back to doing it without thinking because it's relaxing. I constantly play with the joysticks on my Nintendo Switch to help compensate and give my hands something to do. I use a fidget spinner sometimes as well to help relax and when I get anxious I use it more often cause the noise it makes and the action of spinning it is helpful. I also do the ASL (sign language) alphabet without thinking to myself just cause it's relaxing and when told to stop I get a bit anxious. I tap my fingers together repetitively a lot and my friends have noted this and have mentioned I tend to do it more when I'm stressed or bored.

+ Hyperfixation: I have the habit of finding something I like and then focusing on it violently. When I was a kid I would watch the same three movies (Newsies, Highschool Musical, and Hairspray) on repeat until I memorized the lines. I went through a phase where everyday I watched Total Drama for like half a year- I still remember the events of each episode. If I watch a video on a video game I have to look up the Wikipedia entry on it, read everything in the fan wiki, and watch video after video deconstructing the game until I'm satisfied. I'll listen to the same song for hours at a time for a week or more and then ramble about it to my friends. My habit of infodumping everything I know about a subject bothers my families and friends. I'll ramble for an hour about an idea I have for a play to a friend before realizing I haven't shut up cause I know most people don't care about minute things like I tend to.

+ Being a Kid: As a kid I was definetely the odd one out. I would hug everyone regardless of who they were, how close we were, or if they were receptive. I just had to hug people- I would get upset if I couldn't hug people. To this day I have stuffed animals I hug because I get anxious without the physical sensation of hugging after too long. I never seemed to be on quite the same wavelength and would stare people down just randomly, even I didn't really understand why I'd do it but I would just lock eyes with someone and not stop until they told me to. People would openly mock me and it would go over my head because I genuinely thought they were my friends and were being nice (I would get called werewolf due to my messy hair and sharp teeth and I would just smile and say I preferred being a vampire). I wore the same velcro shoes everyday until they wore out and demanded my mom buy the exact same pair. I'd cry whenever someone hurt my feelings even once I turned 10 and 11. I accidentally hurt my friends by punching them or pinching them cause I didn't realize how much I was hurting them until I drew blood or they demanded I stop.

+ Routine: I hate being late. I hate being on time. I have to be 10 minutes early to everything. If I have to be somewhere at 9 and its a 30 minute drive then I have to leave the house at 8 or 8:10. If it hits 8:11 and we aren't on the road I lose it. I cry and panic and I shake like a leaf until my dad starts the car. In elementary if we were even a second late I'd sob uncontrollably and panic. Now I still cry and shake but it's not as bad. I am an avid rule follower even when I know I'm being silly. My friends and I went to an abandoned building and I was anxious that we'd be arrested despite knowing people did it all the time and it was fine. I had to stay at school after hours for a project and I wouldnt stop worrying we'd get caught and expelled even though our teacher said we could. When I was like 8 or 9 I read about how not turning off your heater started fires so every day before I left for school I'd check to make sure the heater and oven were turned off three times each. Even if we'd never turned them on in the first place. I haven't been able to focus in online school without the structure of being physically in school no matter how hard I try. When my dad takes the family places last minute I feel unbearably anxious and out of it, even when I am aware I am overreacting. I have noticed executive disfunction issues in the past and when presented with multiple things I need to do I get overwhelmed and panic and do nothing instead. I hate clutter and in the desire to clean one item I end up deep cleaning everything just because I start one chore then think of another in the process and it spirals from there.

+ Misc: I have always been the sensitive emotional child. My mom frequently teases that I never get her sarcasm. I can't decipher how people feel unless I can hear their voice and see their face which makes texting and to a lesser extent voice calling anxious and weird for me. I actively avoid eye contact with people I don't know well and avoid conversation on elevators or in public spaces. I adore watching slime videos and stim boards are wonderful now that I've discovered them. Math isn't my strong suit because the numbers don't make sense to me- I can't decipher even simple algebra equations but I've always been great at reading and I pride myself on my vocabulary and way with words. Despite this I can't give speeches or explain things to save my life even if I know exactly what I mean and want to say I just cannot verbalize it properly so I have to write down exactly what I want to say before I say it. Even then I ramble too long and my dad frequently notes I can never "get to the point and trim out the unnecessary details" but like- I can't tell which details are necessary or not. I can never be presented a broad piece of information and understand it, I need every minute detail first otherwise I cannot understand the bigger concept and thus when I speak I provide every detail to make my point crystal clear. I also feel uncomfortable around authority figures and adults- way more than seems normal- and avoid eye contact and tend to be especially anxious and respectful because adults and authority figures just scare me.

These are all just like the immediate things that jump into mind + context around them. Idk if these could actually point to me being autistic but if anyone has any advice or help then please let me know. I'm kinda worried I'm being a hypochondriac but that might just be because my dad doesn't believe in autism so I'm internalizing that.

I've had close friends say some of my symptoms seem like anxiety or OCD but the texture based stuff and the fact that I have purposefully tried to stop stimming and fidgeting and have tried to repress my natural behaviors due to being seen as like weird and "off" makes me think maybe it might be autism and I just didn't realize because I assumed everyone dealt with similar things and I just was bad at handling it.

#autism #possibly autistic #asd #autism advice? #plz help i am very worried im overreacting and i dont want to talk to my parents unless im like 100% i have it

[pepperpixel]

thoughts and feelings about. my life below the cut. like depression and shit?? u aint gotta read this shit if u dont wanna lol

warning i basically wrote this post like a fuckin diary cuz i wanted to write my thoughts out. so its super jumbled and messy. pls don’t feel like you have to respond, this is just for me to talk lol. vent some stuff. clear the air of my brain.

these past months since graduating high school I basically haven’t taken a moment to think about anything ever. i wake up in the morning i have like. mini waffles and coffee. i watch a couple videos and then draw draw draw for the entirety of the day. i might eat something else. or i might not, i might drink something else, or i might not. and then i lay down and watch more videos until 3-5 am. i then go to sleep. or i don’t. and then i wake up. repeat repeat repeat. every single day. with a few exceptions. of course i’ve gone out a couple times and had fun. but then i go back home. and do the same thing i’ve been doing. for the past months. on autopilot... over and over and over again. i watch the same videos over and over and over again. i draw and then hate everything i make over and over and over again... and i don’t even have the space to be upset about it... because im always doing something to not think about the stuff that bugs me. its just like im a robot on a cycle.and im not even doing the things i need to do. im doing pointless things. im doing the same pointless things over and over, and i have this constant dread in my heart that everything’s gonna come crashing down on me and i just keep ignoring it. and not doing anything about it. until im laying in bed every night and it hits me. but i still keep not doing anything. and my life continues to be nothing. day in and day out.

anyway... i cried today for the first time in a while, and im actually happy about it.... i used to cry all the time. about everything. and i hated it then. but. i like, haven’t given myself the space or time to feel emotions... or feel human.. in what feels like a rlly long time. and i don’t know exactly how but for some reason today i just started thinking. about all the stuff thats changed in my life that i’ve been avoiding thinking about all these months. and i thought about how it made me upset.. i allowed myself to be upset. instead of just brushing it off cuz im “supposed to be stronger now” because i’ve been to therapy and i don’t have panic attacks anymore and thats all that rlly matters right?? all that other stuff that makes me unhappy can just be brushed aside because its manageable. everyone has to deal with bad stuff. why should i be especially upset about it, just move on, just don’t think about it. sure you’re literally eating and drinking barely anything every day and u get an average of 4-2 hours of sleep each night and u barely feel like you’re still alive but that doesn’t mean anything! this is just what life is post graduation! youre fine!!

so. crying kind of. reminded me how it felt to. feel stuff?? like,, it made me feel normal again. like a real person. which im happy about.. i feel like it knocked some sense into me or something.

i used to write down how i felt a lot too. to work thru my feelings and get them out of my head. i haven’t written down or talked with anyone about my feelings in awhile cuz i haven’t thought about my feelings in awhile... but im writing stuff down now cuz it feels like the right thing to do, its what i wanna do. and i still can’t 100% sort thru all of my feelings. there’s still that vague stale miasma.. the dread of the unknown of adulthood. the worry of being a failure, but. im so happy to have taken the time to just feel some of the feelings that i can sort thru. nothing new bad happened. i didn’t have a panic attack. i just cried a bit and got upset over some stuff i’ve been ignoring.. it feels a little like a break through.. and it made me want to feel more.. honestly.. its better then this awful nothing repetition. i’m gonna try to work on being more human from here on out. thats a weird way to put it but i don’t know how else to phrase it? just, taking more time to breathe. to just be alive in the moment. in real life. not on a computer. ((also, i kno thats a thing dumb old ppl say but like.. being obsessively glued to my computer to avoid real life is part of the issue. im not even doing anything of substance im just.. doing jack shit nothing)) i don’t need to do everything right now. sometimes i just need to sit in my own brain and sort stuff out... and then i can really focus more on the stuff i actually need to do. maybe then i can start really feeling in control of my own life. idk.

anyway... tldr i felt emotions,,, it was a mixed bag.. hopeful for future??

#pepper words #this is a real lets explore peppers inner psyche and shit sort of post #nothing new bad happened.. im just sorting thru some of the old #if u feel like reading about my shit then go wild #if u don't thats chill #i just had to write it down for myself

[glamrockmonarch]

Hi! I keep reading over and over Age Gap and Somebody Else. I love them and you’re writing sooooo much. Can I get a combo of these for 2019!Brian please? If reader is expecting would be amazing too!

Gravity Don't Mean Too Much To Me

A/N: YES! So I wanted to make it different but also kinda the same...idk girl I tried! I hope you like it, I know I had some fun writing this so please: enjoy! 

You stared at the coffee machine with something anyone would describe as love. Truth is, you are already dreading the day when you have to give up your morning cup of coffee altogether. Apparently, babies do absorb a lot of what their mother’s eat and drink, so cafeine would be a no-sleep curse on a newborn.

For the time being you wait patiently for your own coffee to be ready while Brian’s french press stands on the table behind you; warm, dark and ready is the liquid inside.

Last night was quite long, you had yet another argument with Brian. The last few weeks had been extremely difficult for the two of you. Brian’s daughter Emily had been far from thrilled when you gave her and Brian’s other two kids the news of your pregnancy. Brian had been quiet since, not wanting to talk too much about it, since Emily’s words had mostly been directed at him. It seemed as if she blamed him for things she could not understand...bringing up her parent’s divorce, pointing at you and calling what you and Brian had something “sick and disgusting”.

“Why would you even be with a man his age?!” She pointed at you, accusingly.

Up until that point, the afternoon had gone quite well. Jimmy and Louisa had a hard time getting their baby sister to calm down, but the damage was done. Brian’s heart was broken and you felt an odd self-consciousness that had you sinking in your seat with a great discomfort.

And why would you be with a man Brian’s age? As you turned to him you saw a man who made you laugh. A man who made you learn, a man who had his own ideas, who understood you, who did not patronize you, who was smart and sweet. You saw a man who sometimes struggled with his demons. You saw a man who was so young at heart that the wrinkles on his face were blurred and meant nothing but memories. In your eyes, Brian could be whatever age and you would not care because he loved you and you loved him. Had it been anybody else asking this question you would not have given it a thought: you would have fought her; for your bad luck it had been Brian’s baby girl...so instead you felt helpless and frustrated, tears tracing your cheeks slowly as your boyfriend glanced your way.

Oh, and poor Brian...thinking the worst… He figured Emily had hit a nerve there; that she was right to ask you this and to call him names for getting a woman as young as yourself pregnant.

“She is younger than me!” Emily fought her sister back.

“It’s what dad wants!” Louisa said with a stern voice, “they are happy, Em, let it go...you’re only making a fool of yourself.”

Of course, since then things had been weird with Bri. He was busying himself with Ultima Thule images. He was getting ready for his upcoming tour and basically avoiding you as much as possible.

This morning you woke up alone in bed - no surprise there because Brian was an early bird, you would usually find him in the next room sitting on his stationary bike going up and imaginary mountain. Knowing brian would come downstairs for breakfast once he was done, you did not even make a stop at his small improvised gym that day, you made your way out of bed slowly to keep the morning sickness at bay, and then slipped on your robe before going to the kitchen, where now you were standing, waiting for Brian to come so you could finally address the issue at hand.

On perfect timing, Brian walked into the open space of the kitchen to find you pouring yourself a steaming cup of dark coffee. Smiling up at him you brushed your hair behind your ear and waited for him to come closer and give you a peck on the lips - which he did not do and had not been doing for a while now.

“Your coffee is ready, love.” You reached up one of the cupboards and took Brian’s usual dark red cup, placing it on the table before taking a sip of your own.

“Thanks.” Brian smiled without showing his teeth.

It was a bad sign, you tilted your head as you stared. He was still wearing an old shirt and some sweatpants, his forehead sweaty and his hair messy.

“I’ve made pancakes and chopped some fruit, d’ya wanna eat now or are you taking a shower?” You wondered, sticking your hip out to the side as you put your hand on your waist.

Brian’s eyes followed your every move as you pulled the robe open when standing like that, he could not help but notice the small bump that already started to stand out under the silk of your short nightgown.

Getting no response from Brian, you set your coffee down on the table too and sighed, bringing a hand up to your temple, mentally giving you a nudge to bring up the topic.

“Bri, you’ve been acting weird lately…” You pointed out, your eyes met his and Brian’s gaze fell to his feet.

He brought his chin up and turned to the side, leaving his profile on full view. His silence made your heart beat faster, so you swallowed and wrapped your robe around your middle, closing it as you held yourself.

“I don’t know how to do this, Y/N…” Brian shook his head and his curls bounced along. “I think Emily is right… you have my full support,” he raised his brows as he spoke, his eyes doing everything to stay far from meeting your gaze. “But I think we should be with people our own age.”

You pouted at his words. Without knowing how else to react you gave him attitude and walked up to him, not caring that you had to tilt your head back to see his face.

“No.” You pushed a finger onto his chest, with little strength. “I don’t want to.”

“It’s not about what you want…” Brian tilted his chin down, blinking quickly a few times as he stared up ahead, “it’s about what’s best for you.”

“You are what’s best for me.” You shrugged, smiling up at him.

It was such a stupid situation...Brian breaking up with you? He had to be kidding! Letting out a laugh you brought your hand up and cupped his face.

“Brian, look at me please.” You enunciated in a delicate warm whisper.

His hazel eyes fixed on your face, a dull expression ploughed his brow. Sad to see it, you felt your chest jump with emotions that you could do little to control.

“I don’t want a man my own age. I don’t want any other man - end of story.” You ran your thumb over his cheek in soft strokes. “I am in love with the most wonderful, humble, idealist, smart man… and when I see him,” you paused, feeling a tear slide down your face, Brian rushed to catch it and wipe if away with the back of his fingers. “When I see him I don’t see his age, I see a man who challenges me to do better - to be better! Doesn’t that count for something?”

Brian smiled, he did not show his teeth although this time it felt honest. He sighed. Bringing your hand on your of his that rested now against your cheek you pulled it off and made him press his hand on your almost imperceptible baby bump.

“You and I did not do this by mistake, Brian.”

You smiled at him and saw him look up, a repeated blinking accompanying his eye movement.

“Certainly not…” he conceded. “I want us to be sure because....”

You rolled your eyes and put your hands on his shoulders, shaking him as he let out a weak laugh.

“...because I don’t want any take-backs.” Brian warned you.

Giggling you nodded and wrapped your arms around his neck, rubbing your nose against his you soothed his nerves.

“No take-backs, Bri. I’m all yours if you’ll have me.” You whispered as Brian put his arms around your waist from inside the fluffy fabric of your robe.

“I’ll have you.”

With a large grin on both of your faces, you tilted your head back and your lips met his for a short moment, giving each other a tender kiss that was long overdue. Feeling a little frisky you batted your lashes at him.

“On the counter?” You asked with a wink.

Brian’s response to this was to just crush his lips onto yours, this time you both breathed the scent of each other and kissed each other with hunger resulting from weeks of being nothing but friendly. You let Brian take the lead and felt your heart start to race as his hands held on to your sides and slid down your back, your boyfriend squeezed your ass and this made you moan onto his lips. Already aching for his touch everywhere else, you brought your hands to his jaw, feeling the short hairs growing from his beard.

While walking backwards you felt Brian’s tongue lick your bottom lip and allowed for it to enter your mouth and play with your own tongue, his lips tasting like the soft soy coffee he drank before.

Your back touched the counter first and as it did you pushed your robe off and dropped in a chair nearby, paying attention to Brian’s sweaty shirt you prompt him to take it off as you jumped on the counter to sit right in front of Brian.

Being at eye level with him now you drew your hands around his chest and stared into his eyes without saying anything. Brian put his hands on your knees and pulled them apart softly to stand between them, the bulge inside his pants noticeable at this point.

Biting your lip you watched as he slid his calloused hands up your legs under the thin fabric of your dress, waiting for him to find nothing underneath. Once he did he pressed his forehead to yours and closed his eyes, making use of his thumb he found your clit and rubbed rather harshly, your lips parted and you gasped, a jolt shot up your spine in that second and Brian groaned against your cheek as he kept going, leaving you to hold on to his shoulders, already feeling how wet he was making you.

“I’ve barely touched you, love.” Brian’s deep voice mumbled close to your ear.

“I missed you, what else can I say?” You replied, cupping his cheek and kissing his lips shortly. “I want you so bad…”

Although you did not like pleading, Brian was the kind of man to leave you hanging from the edge from time to time, so you had to be vocal about it if you were not about to let him play his little games.

Sneaking your hand inside his pants you pecked his chin and palmed his hard cock, Brian tilted his head back and moaned at this, enjoying the momentary friction you gave him.

“Bri…” You buried your nose on his neck as you ran your thumb across his tip leaking with pre-cum.

Cupping your face with his other free hand Brian brought you in for a quick kiss, taking his hand away from you he reached for his pants and pushed them down with your help, whining at the waist band that wouldn’t come down you ended up breaking away from the kiss to get rid of the pants.

“Never wear those again.” You said half-jokingly to an eager smiling Brian.

He positioned himself at your entrance and you wrapped your arms around his neck, looking into his eyes as he buried himself into your core, pushing his hard cock all the way in, filling and stretching you to accommodate him. With a cry you took it all and wrapped your legs tightly around his waist, you closed your eyes on the last second and let your mouth fall open. Brian dipped his face into your neck and kissed your skin as you allowed it by throwing your head back, giving him the go to suck on you as he pleased.

His hips pulled back and you whined at his hips rocking back into you in long slow strokes. Feeling every single bit of him rub against your inner walls you dug your hand into his hair and squeezed him with each thrust.

Before you could complain about how slow he was fucking you, Brian picked up the pace and snapped his hips against yours, holding you in place as he kissed your exposed shoulder.

You gripped his shoulders and secured your legs around him by intertwining your feet.

“‘m so close…” you moaned into his ear, “gonna make me cum.”

Brian just loved to hear you like this, he put his lips on yours and brought his hand between your bodies. Finding your clit again he put his fingers at work, rubbing sweet circles on you, so good and so fast he had you shaking in a heartbeat, your body struck by a strong spasm that made your toes curl and your core throb.

Feeling you cum like this sent Brian over the edge too, his cock twitched and spilled inside you as he did his best to fuck you through it, both of you breathing heavily and moaning into each other’s mouth.

After coming down from your high, you ran your hands up and down his chest, kissing his cheek and his jaw, Brian reached down to slide his pants up, tucking his softening dick back inside. He kissed your lips again - a delicate peck it was. And stepped back to offer you his hands so you could step off the counter.

“I think the pancakes are gonna be cold…” You said as you accepted his help.

Upon standing you could feel Brian’s cum trickle down between your legs.

“Would you put them on the over for a sec?”

As Brian puts his shirt on you pull your nightgown down and make a run for it, going up the stairs in a flash to get cleaned up before pulling some panties on. By the time you came back downstairs you saw brian placing two plates on the table, the pancakes looked warm with a small vapor coming off of them.

“Everything okay?”

You nodded at this and came around the table, shrugging.

“Uh, you know, just...dealing with gravity.”

“Ah!”

Brian put his index finger up and you took a sit, knowing well that he was not going to be able to resist giving you some interesting scientific fact about the force of attraction… Not like you minded it, he always made it sound interesting. You knew your son or daughter would have a ball questioning daddy, and Brian would also have a great time explaining stuff to them.

#brian may fic #brian may imagine #present day stuff #present day brian may #brian may angst #brian may smut #smut #requested #leah halliwell92

[futurepurplepaladin]

Day 6: Vacation 🏔

So-this one is a Modern AU- ish-again? Idk even no just know the Paladins are on a vaca and Keith meets you while there!

Words: 700+

Warnings: INTENSE fluffiness

(Make sure to check out @vld-writing-for-all for her HCs!)

Keith trudged down the snow slope, his fingers frostbite and cold under his black gloves.

He definitely wasn’t made for the cold- he hated it.

He breathed out, watching his breath wrap into a cloud of mist in the air. He smiled to himself- it had been a fun day. He had learn how to ski, he went in the snow for the first time in his life, but it was definitely something he didn't want to do again. He was sore from hitting the snow so much, and his skin felt like ice. When everyone had asked for coffee, he quickly agreed to go get it for the group, even though he didn't care for coffee that much. He just wanted to get out of the cold.

Finally, he saw the coffee shop, a rustic sign hanging over the red town door. He opened the gold door knob, and tinkling chime going off as he entered.

The smell of brewing coffee hit him and the whir of coffee machines blending against each other made a welcoming noise.To Keith’s surprise, the coffee shop was empty, except for a frost bitten looking snowboarder and older woman typing madly on a laptop.

He looked around- the coffee shop was very quaint. It was small and comfy, with wooden chairs, warm lighting, and red and gold trinkets on shelves and counters all around the room.

His feet gravitated his towards the counter, where a girl with a messy ponytail was doing-something (he couldn't tell).

She spun around, her pony whipping around perfectly onto her light brown tee. Keith’s heart thumped unexpectedly- she was really pretty.

“Oh hi!” she said walking up to keith, “Sorry ‘bout that, I didn't even hear you!”

“Its-fine,” he replied, his eyes focusing on the worn wood of the counter.

The girl paused. “Wait….are you- Keith Kogane?”

Keith shot up his head in shock. “What?” he asked confused. Does he know her?

“Oh my god, you are!” the girl’s face broke out into a huge smile, excitement evident on her face. “Your the Black Paladin!”

“How do you know that?” Keith asked, his cheeks surprisingly warming up quickly. This girl knows him, and his team. He didn't know what to think.

The girl shrugged her shoulders, a bashful look on her face. “Ima bag fan of you guys… ya know after you saved Earth and all then you have that show.... And you do have the mark on your face,” she smiled timidly, pointing at the spot where Keith’s scar would be on her cheek.

“Oh,” he touched the mark on his face, feeling kinda honoured in a way. He didn't think people actually recognized him.

She smiled again as she put piece of hair behind your maroon colored hat.

“And it helps your wearing all black and red.”

Keith looked down, realizing that she was right- his whole outfit was black, save for the red flannel he wrapped around his jeans.

“Well,” he laughed, “that makes sense.”

She laughed with him, making his chest feel warmer and his anxiety ebb a little.

“So,” she asked sweetly, “what can I get you?”

Keith said “oh” again, realising he was actually here for something. He pulled out a crumpled piece of paper, reading what his friends had asked to get.

She giggled quietly as she watched him- he was really cute.

“Um….” Keith struggled a little to read his sloppy handwriting, “one small chai tea, one medium hot chocolate, one large caramel coffee with extra whip, one large white mocha coffee with extra whip, and… a black coffee.”

The girl wrote down the orders quickly, then looked at Keith with an amused look.

“Let me guess…” she mused as she pointed at each order she wrote down, “the chai is for Shiro, the hot chocolate is for Pidge, the large mocha is Hunk’s, Lance’s is the caramel, and your the black coffee.”

He looked at her with a mix of amusement and astonishment.

“Close… the mocha is for Lance and the caramel is for Hunk,” he corrected good-naturedly. She had surprisingly gotten the rest right.

“Aw shucks!” she joked, scrunching her nose as she snapped her fingers. Keith thought her expression was adorable. “It makes sense thought.”

“How were able to figure that out?” he asked, his stomach itching to know.

“Told ya,” she smirked, “pretty big fan- its not hard to know who would get what.”

Keith nodded in agreement, trying hard to not stare, but stare at the girl. In an effort to not look like a creep, he began to add up the order. It was just barelu under 20 dollars, which was good, because he only had a 20 dollar bill on him.

“Alrightie…” the girl said under her breath as she punched the last few numbers in the cash register, “thatll be 10.50 please.”

Keith looked at her in surprise. “Wait- it should have been a 20, right?”

“Well….you got a ‘Paladin’ discount,” her eyes gleamed with mischief, making his stomach flare up in butterflies.

“Is that even aa thing?” he questioned, a smile playing on his lips.

“It is now!” she laughed, watching his cheeks flare a little pink.

Keith was so confused- a girl had never gone out her way to do something nice like that.

“Well...thanks,” he mumbled, a little lose for words. God how could one girl do this to him.

“Its all good,” she said happily, “I'll get those done in a sec.”

She turned around, Keith watching her pretty hair flip again. He turned his back on the counter, deciding to walk around the store a bit- it couldn't take too long to make a few coffees.

“What's taking so long?” Keith thought grumpily- it felt like it had been forever.

Finally, the girl said something. “So what brings you to Snow Peaks?”

Oh, right,” he thought. That's the place they were staying for the week.

He shrugged his shoulders as he placed his now warm hands in his pockets.

“Just wanted to go in the snow for a bit. Explore, I guess.”

“Know any places you wanna go o here?” she asked conversationally as she placed lots of whip cream on a drink.

He chuckled. “Not really… were kinda just winging it.”

She giggled kindly, looking up at him through her lashes.

“Well, if you ever need a guide, I’ve got you.”

“Thanks,” he said, a small smile tugging on his lips.

“No problem!”

“And… your drinks are ready! Sorry it took so long,” she apologized, a sorry smile on her face.

His slight frustration melted away. “Your good,” he said, “and thanks for-

He didn't know really what to thank and how to say it- thanks for giving me a discount? Sounds too formal. Thanks for being nice to me? Sounds weird. Thanks for being a fan? Sounds way too entitled for his liking.

“-everything, I guess.”

Welp.

Not amazing but- it'll do.

“No problem,” she waved. “Bye Keith!”

He waved back as he grabbed the drinks, butterflies flitting in his stomach as he felt a little sad. He really liked that girl and wished he could talk to her more.

He walked outside, the bitter cold biting his exposed skin. He set the drinks down on a snow frosted table, wanting to get his coffee out and chug it to warm himself up.

He turned each cup, expecting to see something simple like “Black Coffee” sprawled on one, and saw something much different.

Each cup had a different color and name and symbol to match.

The chai one had “Shiro” in purple and the paladin armor symbol.

The hot chocolate said “Pidge” in green and a little green tree on the side.

Lance’s was in blue and had a seashell next to his name, and Hunk’s was in orange, with a small little gingerbread cookie wearing a bow tie.

Keith smiled to himself, the adorable artistry of his anonymous barista making him feel warm inside. She really did all that for his friends- and that's what took so long.

And he didn't even care.

The smile still on his face, Keith looked at his drink.

His was characteristically in red, his name drawn in pretty cursive. Instead of a symbol, his cup had a phone number, and a message:

(Just in case you still want that tour)

-y/n

And a heart next to her name.

His stomach exploded in fireworks, her name being repeated in his head.

y/n.

He liked it.

A lot. He looked back at the coffee shop, and then at the drinks.

He began to walk, the cold not even bothering him at all. His body felt so happy it could burst into flames.

“I guess we'll finally have something to do tomorrow,” he thought wistfully as he saw his friends in the distance.

Taggings:

@vldandyou @vld-writing-for-all @palalovin @panda-noosh @paladinfeathers @pala-done-imagines @voltronshorts @voltronlegendaryimagines @voltronreader @voltron-inserts

#voltron #vld #vld matchup blog #lance x reader #vld lance #vld keith x reader #vld shiro x reader #hunk x reader #keith kogane #keith x reader #vld lance x reader #vld keith x y/n #vld shiro hc #vld hunk hc #vld pidge hc #vld allura hc #vld lance mcclain x you #vld keith kogane x reader #vld pidge x reader #vld keith x reader hc

[gene-zane-strider-blog]

Love is Blind, Babe.

Notes: WOOOOOOOOO THIS IS WAAAAY OVERDUE! Sorry that this took so long, I had to plan it out, hit a few roadblocks, and school is a priority to me so this was on the back burner. Anyway, this is a zene thing (lol that rhymed) with blind!zane and orphan!gene (idk i just thought of that as I made the story) so yeah... anyway, that’s all I have to say!

Warnings: unless you don’t like reading lyrics to old pop music there’s no warnings

---

Gene, a black-gray haired teen orphaned at six, lives in a personal tree house in a small forest. Small rabbits and snakes guarded the grounds below, waiting to either bite Gene or cuddle him, depending on the day. A few feet away is another tree house, a trolley system connecting them. A wire, a large plank, and a pulley kept the two tree houses intact in his system. Gene now often used it to keep away invigilates away from wrecking his home. The group consisted of a white haired girl, a dark brown haired boy, and a strange boy with red eyes. It was weird, but not nearly as weird as an orphan kid living in a tree house in clothes that don’t even fit him.

The young teen was lying in his bed, reading the same book for the one-thousandth time. Gene was smart for a kid his age. He has gotten away with pick pocketing for a long time, only caught a few times and given warnings. He soon moved on to large things: phones and laptops. Of course, he had gotten it yet, but today was the day.

He was going to find his first victim.

Gene jumped off of the small bed, the thin green blanket on which he was laying on, falling to the ground. He carefully stepped onto the square plank and pulled himself across the wire to the other side, reaching the other tree house. He hopped off and climbed down a ladder to the bottom. Gene sat, patiently waiting for either the group of kids or someone who looks like they have a phone.

Unfortunately, the first one to visit was them. “Hey orphan.” The leader was the white haired one, her purple eyes glimmering.

Gene growls. “Go away. I’m doing something.”

“Sitting down and wondering what it’s like to go to school?” the red-eyes one remarks.

“Will you guys ever leave me alone for a day?” Gene sits up, angered.

The small brown-haired one stays silent. “Then maybe we should make a deal.” The girl speaks up.

Gene shakes his head. “I would never make a deal with people like you.” He hisses.

Red-eyes perks up. “What did we ever do to you?”

“You guys bother me every day, though I know I haven’t done anything to you! Got that red-eyes?”

The boy corners Gene into the side of the tree. “What did you call me?”

“Red-eyes! That’s what I called you!” Gene repeats.

Gene winces as the other buries a fist in him. “Don’t call me that, orphan!”

“THEN STOP CALLING ME ORPHAN!” Gene shouts, punching the brown haired child in the jaw. He falls to the ground, clenching his face.

“That’s it!” The boy stands up, grabbing Gene and continually punching him.

The smallest of them all pushes the kid away from Gene. “Leave him alone!”

Gene looks up, tears cornering his eyes.

“Vylad? What are you doing?” the red-eyed kid stares at him.

“He didn’t do anything wrong, Zenix!” Vylads’ voice was small and fragile, but it was loud.

“He punched me!” Zenix shouts.

Vylad pushes away Zenix, but ends up getting punched and pushed to the ground. “Stay with your new friend. We don’t need you. Right Sasha?”

The white haired girl nods. “Right. Don’t even think about coming around us.”

The two leave and Vylad sits up. “Even though they already said it, my name is Vylad. What’s yours?”

Gene stares at the smaller kid. His bright green eyes still sparkled in the sun, though he just went through, and witnessed, a fight. “Gene.” He simply responds.

“Nice to meet you, Gene. Anyway, c’mon, I bet my mom won’t mind seeing you. She’s pretty kind.” Vylad smiles.

Gene, shaky from the encounter, stands up. “O-okay.”

Vylad leads Gene down the street, making small talk with him and getting to know the other. Gene is fascinated by how intelligent the younger one is, even for his age. Gene is about three years older than Vylad; Vylad being ten, the youngest of his family. He had two older brothers, one aged eleven and the other fourteen.

Vylad opened the door to his home and allowed Gene to enter. Gene, a little scared, walked in; unaware of what a real home looked like. Stairs leading to a second floor was in the foyer, and two arches off to either side. One led to the living room, the other the kitchen. Gene stayed by Vylads’ side, a little scared.

“It’s okay Gene. No one is going to bite. I promise.” Vylad gives a reassuring smile to Gene.

A blonde teen walks down the stairs. He stops at the final step, darting his eyes between Vylad and Gene. “Vylad, who in the world is this?” he had more of a British accent. Kind of odd, but Gene felt a warm presence around the blue-eyed stranger.

“Oh, Gene, this is my oldest brother, Garroth. Garroth, this is my new friend, Gene!” Vylad continued giving his warm smile.

Garroth’s eyes light up. “Are you okay? Your clothes are all messy and tattered, is something wrong?”

Vylad gave Gene a look, and Gene shook his head. “Uh, I rescued him from a… group of… bullies…?” Vylad questions.

Garroth, looking a bit confused, believed the half-lie. While Vylad did save him, it was mostly Gene’s fault that he got punched. He was the one that started it. “I have some extra clothes if you want them! I can also make you something if you want.”

Gene smiled, glad about Garroth’s kind worry. “Uh, yeah. I-I would like that.”

Garroth led Gene up the stairs. “I bet Zane wouldn’t mind you taking his clothes for a day.”

“Zane?” Gene questions.

“Yeah, he’s one of my brothers! I think he’s in the garage with mom, but I’m not sure… they both kinda… left.” Garroth mumbles.

Gene stayed silent as Garroth opened a door. Inside was a dark room, messy and unclean. Garroth sighed. “I’m going to have to clean this later.”

Garroth ravenged through a closet, pulling out a few shirts. “There. I’m sure he won’t mind.”

A large black shirt with a skull on it landed on Gene’s face. “You purposefully aimed for my face, didn’t you?”

Garroth gives a small laugh. “Maybe.”

Gene quickly switched shirts, and followed Garroth out of the dark room. “Seems like Zane is pretty messy.” Gene comments.

“It isn’t his fault. It’s kinda complicated.” Garroth walks down the stairs, Gene following after. The door is slightly open.

“What do you mean?” Gene reaches the bottom.

“Well, a few years ago, when he was about six, he used to get bullied a lot and it went too far…” Garroth sighs.

“Why is the door open?” Gene mutters.

Garroth shrugs. “I don’t know. Maybe Vylad went back out. He’s always been more of a nature type of kid.”

Vylad suddenly pushed the door wide open. “GAAAAAAROOOTH YOU WON’T BELIEVE WHAT MOM DID.”

Garroth walks up to Vylad. “What do you mean?”

“SHE GOT A- JUST- GO LOOK!” Vylad shouts, clearly excited.

Garroth walks outside and Gene goes after. Vylad closes the door, the sun starting to bother Gene already.

A large black car lies in the driveway. “She got a new car?” Garroth questions.

“Well, yes and no.” Vylad responds.

All three of you continue walking. A tall, black haired lady comes from behind the car. “Vylad! Gar-Gar!” she hugs them both. “Who’s this?”

Vylad stands beside Gene. “This is Gene, my new friend.”

“Oh, nice to meet you Gene! Hope you don’t mind all these teens running around.”

Gene shakes his head. “I don’t.”

“Anyway, you can call me Zianna.” She pats Gene’s head and opens the door on the other side. A lanky kid, who looks almost exactly like Zianna, steps out. He walks out, walks past Gene, and enters the house. Gene bites his lip.

“Does he not like me?” Gene whispers to Vylad.

“No, he just hasn’t met you yet.” Vylad whispers back.

A small dog crawls out of the car. Vylad coos, Garroth gives a small squeal, and Gene stands awkwardly. The puppy walks up to Garroth and Vylad, smelling them. It then walks up to you, sniffing Gene profusely. The animal barks, and runs inside.

“Her name is Angel. I got her for Zane as a surprise.” Zianna smiles.

“Seems like he won’t have such a hard time getting around now.” Garroth giggles.

Gene, once again confused, gives Garroth a look. “What do you mean?”

Garroth looks at Gene. “Well, whenever we’re out, he has a hard time getting around.”

“But he walks just fine?”

“It’s not the walking he has trouble with,” Garroth responds. “It’s the seeing.”

“What?” Gene questions.

“He’s blind.” Vylad adds on.

“Oh…” Gene looks down.

Garroth and Vylad walk inside. Zianna steps up to Gene. “Where do you live?”

“I… uh, don’t really live anywhere.” Gene scratches the back of his head.

“What do you mean by that?”

“I’m an orphan. I live in a tree house a few houses down.” Gene points down the street.

Zianna shakes her head. “That simply won’t do. You can stay here if you would like.”

Gene perks up. “Really?”

“Yeah!” Zianna happily states. “We have an extra room you can stay in.”

“Thank you!” Gene smiles.

Zianna bends down and gives Gene a small hug. “We’ll go get your stuff out of your tree house tomorrow, and go get you some clothes of your own. Zane gets very territorial with his stuff.”

“Hah, I can imagine…” Gene trails off.

Zianna ruffles Gene’s hair, leading him inside. “I think you should meet Zane. He has a hard time getting used to new people.”

Gene nods, carefully stepping up the stairs.

Zianna waves, most likely about to lock the car or going back out to do some errands. Gene paces up the stairs and knocks on Zane’s door, which wasn’t necessary needed since it was already open. The teen accidently pushes it open, and inside is a lanky, raven-colored hair boy on a bed, stroking Angel. Gene assumes this is Zane, and coughs. “Hi.”

The boy jumps, startling Angel and he hugs her close. “Who are you?” The other teen speaks, staring at Gene.

Gene walks a bit closer. “My name is Gene, and your mom is letting me stay here…” he mutters.

Zane perks up. “Zane. I guess my brothers or mom talked to you about me and my ‘condition’ so there is no need for proper meetings?”

The other shrugs. “I don’t know. It’s your choice.”

Zane stands up. Gene notices that his eyes are a milky blue, more pastel than eyes normally are. “I know you’re staring at me.” Zane growls.

“H-how?” Gene stutters.

“Years of practice.” Zane smirks, putting his pale hand on Gene’s shirt. “And I also know you are wearing my shirt.”

“Do you want it back?” Gene starts to take off the sweater before Zane puts Gene’s hands back at his side.

“No, it’s fine. It never looked good on me anyway.” Zane shrugs.

They both stand in awkward silence for a moment. “Is Angel nice?” Gene asks.

“Yeah, she’s adorable.” Zane coos, Angel appearing at his side.

“Is she like a service dog for you?”

“Kinda.” Zane looks down at the dog. “She’s for the family, but will also serve as my guide for as long as she can. Today is her first day.”

“She’s so fluffy!” Gene cuddles the small puppy and she barks.

“I know right?” Zane chuckles, slightly entertained by Gene’s energetic nature.

Gene stands back up, a large smile on his face. “Anyway, I’m glad I’m going to be living with a guy with some common sense.”

“Wait- you’re actually living here?” Zane hisses.

“Yeah? Is it that big of a deal?”

“I don’t mind,” Zane starts walking out his door. “As long as you don’t act like my two mistakes of a brother.”

Gene stands in pure shock at what Zane had said. He thought that Zane was pretty caring, despite his looks.

But hey, first impressions can be wrong.

~<>~

“BREAKFEST!” The familiar voice of a friend calls.

Gene jumps off of his bed, placed in the large basement, and struggles to pull on his pajama pants. In a household filled with boys, it was hard to get a large breakfast. Gene paces up the stairs as Zane comes sliding down the railing of the upstairs.

“You snooze, you lose.” He teases as he jumps off, running through the arch to the kitchen.

“OH NO YOU DON’T!” Gene shouts, jumping onto Zane.

They land on the hardwood floor, struggling to reach the table first. Garroth shakes his head as he sets plates of waffles and glasses of orange juice on the table. “You boys, I swear.”

Zane perks up. “I didn’t know you were mom today, Gar.”

Garroth rolls his eyes. “I’m going to be going to school too, ya know. I just got up early because-“

Vylad rushes in. “SOMEONE WAS TEXTING ALL NIGHT!” Garroth shouts, finishing his sentence.

“Wow Gar, you really need some help.” Vylad growls. “For the thousandth time, it wasn’t me. IT WAS ZANE!”

Zane gives a hurt expression as Gene rolls off of him. “EX-FREAKING-SCUSE ME, BUT I’M NOT THE ONE WHO ATE ALL THE CORN MUFFINS A YEAR AGO.”

“Whatever.” Vylad mumbles.

“Watch your profanity, Zane.” Garroth smirks.

“I can do what I want.” Zane squints at him, a deep scowl on his face.

Gene, once again, got out of the daily Ro’meave argument. Every morning, the same thing would happen. Garroth would start a controversy, Vylad would blame it on Zane, and Zane would blame Vylad for something he did do. Occasionally, Gene got in on it, but not often.

Gene ate his food peacefully as the three brothers argued. “Yo, Gene, you okay?” Zane questions, whispering as the two others continued bickering.

“Yeah. I just feel left out sometimes.” Gene takes the last bite of his waffle.

“Good. You don’t want to get into the messes that we do sometimes.” Zane smiles as Angel walks up, whimpering. He turns his attention to her, ignoring Gene.

He sighs and stands up, putting his plate in the sink and going to the bathroom to brush his teeth. After, he rushes downstairs to put his clothes on. An enormously oversized sweater, the same one Zane let him keep when he first started living under the care of Zianna and Garte, which was a little over four years ago. Now in high school, Gene and Zane talk a lot more.

Later that evening, after dinner, Gene led Zane to his old tree house. They ran down the side walk, pushing each other playfully. They joke around as they reach the tree house.

Gene helped Zane get across to the main one. Gene popped open a small hatch, helping his blind friend crawl through.

Inside the tree house was a small table in the left corner, on top of it a small radio. Gene walked over, turning it on. “I renovated this place a few months ago. Now it looks a bit better and more modern.” Gene sighs.

Zane sits down in a corner. “Did you sand this wood? It’s really smooth.”

“Yeah, I managed to get Garte to help me.” Gene walks over to Zane, nearly tripping on a nail. “Ow.”

“What happened?” Zane perks up.

“Nearly fell on a nail. Also thanks to your handy dad, we replaced gorilla glue with nails. They stick up out of the ground though, so you trip if you’re not careful.”

Zane relaxes, his back laying against the tan wall. “That sucks.”

“Yeah. I brought animal crackers, want some?” Gene shakes the box and he sits down next to Zane.

“Sure.” Zane manages to take a small elephant out of the box.

Gene blows a few strands out of his hair. “This place was all messy when I came back. I think those Irene forbidden Shadow Knights have been messin’ with my old home.” He rubs his hands on the wood, smiling a little. “I have a lot of old memories with this place.”

Zane nods as he grabs another lemon-tasting cracker out of the red box. “So why’d you come back?”

“Because I wanna make more.” Gene simply explains.

“With me?” Zane blurts out.

Gene blushes a little. “I- I, uh, I didn’t mean it like that-”

“Before this gets all sappy, let’s change the subject.” Zane cuts Gene off. “How was school today?” he mutters, mouth full.

Gene’s eyes dart at the floor. “I asked you a question,” Zane turns his head at Gene.

“I don’t wanna talk about it.”

Zane shifts. “What happened?”

“Zane, it’s complicated.” Gene hisses.

“I just want to know.” Zane stares at Gene.

“I told you, it’s complicated.” Gene’s voice wavers.

Zane gives a worried look. “Are you okay?”

“DO I LOOK OKAY?!” Gene shouts, tears forming at the corner of his eyes. They start rolling down his cheeks.

Zane sits on his knees in front of Gene. “I-I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to aggravate you.”

“Leave me alone.” Gene pushes away Zane. “Go home. I shouldn’t have brought you here.”

Zane stands up, angry. “No. I’m not leaving you.”

“Zane, just go.” Gene whispers.

Zane turns the radio all the way up, before covering his ears. “TO LOUD, TO LOUD,” Zane shouts before turning it down.

Gene stares at Zane confused. “What the hell are you doing now?”

Zane strikes a pose. “You know,” he twirls, “Tryna’ cheer my friend up.”

“Zane, you’re going to kill yourself.”

Zane gives an evil smile before raising his hand up. “SO I PUT MY HANDS UP, THEY’RE PLAYING MY SONG, THE BUTTERLFIES FLY AWAY!” Zane sings in his best valley girl voice.

Gene stares at Zane, disgusted. “I’M NODDIN’ MY HEAD LIKE YEAH, I’M MOVING MY HIPS LIKE, YEAH.” Zane sways back and forth as Gene continues to give him a ‘what-the-fuck’ look. “I GOT MY HANDS UP, THEY’RE PLAYING MY SONG, I KNOW IT’S GONNA BE OKAY, YEEEEEEAAAAHHHH, IT’S A PARTY IN THE U.S.A!”

Gene bites his lip as Zane continues singing. “YYYYYEEEEAAAAH~ IT’S A PARTY IN THE U.S.A~!”

Zane takes a step forward, tripping on a nail. Gene rushes up to catch him, luckily just in time. Zane falls into his arms, linking his arms around Gene’s neck. “Uh-”

Gene still has tears running down his cheeks, and Zane is staring at him, a slight red on his face. “S-sorry, uh...” Zane trails off.

Gene slowly levitates Zane to his feet. Zane keeps his arms around Gene’s neck. “Are you okay?” Gene questions.

“Funny, I asked you the same thing.” Zane whispers.

“I still don’t wanna answer.” Gene mutters.

“So I failed?”

Gene shakes his head. “N-no, I just don’t know how to answer.”

Zane tilts his head. “What do you mean?” Zane asks in a hushed tone.

“Well, I mean, I’m angry- I’m sad- and… I mean… you are close to me and- oh Irene this was a mistake.” Gene fumbles over his words.

“No it wasn’t. I should have…”

“Zane, don’t you dare.”

“WATCHED where I was going!” Zane bites his lip, snickering.

“ZANE!” Gene screams.

Zane laughs, along with Gene. Zane releases one of his hands from Gene’s neck, tracing it up to his cheek, wiping away a stream of tears. “Are these happy or sad tears?”

“Both.” Gene smirks.

“I know how to get you to stop crying.” Zane goes back to whispering.

“Oh? And how is that?”

Zane puts his other hand on Gene’s other cheek. “Silence.”

Gene has a pink dusting his cheeks. “How will we achieve silence in a busy world like this?”

“Like this.” Zane kisses Gene, Gene returning the favor. They stay in the same position for what seems like forever, before the two boys break apart. They both exchange small smiles before Gene grabs Zanes’ cheek, pulling him in for another kiss. They break apart again, Gene lying his head on top of Zanes’.

#WOO #ITS DUN GUYS! #this was meant for like #80 followers or something? #but now i have 124 #:/ #anyway thanks for reading!! #i spent a few weeks on this #aphmau #mystreet #zane ro'meave #gene

[shrugman]

all of them

alright buddy here we go

1: when you have cereal, do you have more milk than cereal or more cereal than milk?idk man probs cereal 

2: do you like the feeling of cold air on your cheeks on a wintery day?no it feels like jack frost hit me with his dick

3: what random objects do you use to bookmark your books?rn a plane ticket

4: how do you take your coffee/tea?milk and sugar because I love death

5: are you self-conscious of your smile?I like my closed mouth smile but you’ll have to kill me to get me to use teeth

6: do you keep plants?I try

7: do you name your plants?always

8: what artistic medium do you use to express your feelings?poetry 

9: do you like singing/humming to yourself?yeh

10: do you sleep on your back, side, or stomach?on side, one leg curled up under me like a flamingo, hand on the tiddie

11: what's an inner joke you have with your friends?okay first of all *friend, second of all; cheese pizza

12: what's your favorite planet?ur mum lmao

13: what's something that made you smile today?stephanie 

14: if you were to live with your best friend in an old flat in a big city, what would it look like?800 succulents and 400 pillows

15: go google a weird space fact and tell us what it is!“Gliese 581 c wants to kill you“

16: what's your favorite pasta dish?Alfredo 

17: what color do you really want to dye your hair?purple, did it. also jet black but not worth the risk tbh

18: tell us about something dumb/funny you did that has since gone down in history between you and your friends and is always brought up.....stairs

19: do you keep a journal? what do you write/draw/ in it?I have a poetry book I guess

20: what's your favorite eye color?all

21: talk about your favorite bag, the one that's been to hell and back with you and that you love to pieces.I got it at an antique shop and it’s a smiley face back pack but I left it with katie because she needed it more than I did

22: are you a morning person?no

23: what's your favorite thing to do on lazy days where you have 0 obligations?die

24: is there someone out there you would trust with every single one of your secrets?My one true love, Stephanie

25: what's the weirdest place you've ever broken into?abandoned hotel on base

26: what are the shoes you've had for forever and wear with every single outfit?I wear by black boots every day but I’ve only had them for like 4 months

27: what's your favorite bubblegum flavor?cherry lime

28: sunrise or sunset?set

29: what's something really cute that one of your friends does and is totally endearing?When I make Stephanie laugh over snapchat she sends me a picture with her mouth wide open and idk it always makes me smile

30: think of it: have you ever been truly scared?I spent the last month in fear I’d be killed by terrorists 

31: what is your opinion of socks? do you like wearing weird socks? do you sleep with socks? do you confine yourself to white sock hell? really, just talk about socks.this is too many questions 

32: tell us a story of something that happened to you after 3AM when you were with friends.nah

33: what's your fave pastry?anything cherry tbh

34: tell us about the stuffed animal you kept as a kid. what is it called? what does it look like? do you still keep it?Teddy Bair was a gift from my dad to my mom but I loved him so much I stole him and he became mine. He’s on my bed at college with me rn

35: do you like stationary and pretty pens and so on? do you use them often?I like gel pens and I color with them

36: which band's sound would fit your mood right now?TOP

37: do you like keeping your room messy or clean?I like it cleanish but it’s always messy because that’s my biggest depression problem 

38: tell us about your pet peeves!people not shutting up ever

39: what color do you wear the most?black 

40: think of a piece of jewelry you own: what's it's story? does it have any meaning to you?I have a locket my sister got me like 10 years ago that has a picture of us

41: what's the last book you remember really, really loving?tbh idk

42: do you have a favorite coffee shop? describe it!It’s in Japan and Katie and I used to spend hours there together. It’s where we really became friends 

43: who was the last person you gazed at the stars with?the astronomy club lmao

44: when was the last time you remember feeling completely serene and at peace with everything?never

45: do you trust your instincts a lot?about certain things

46: tell us the worst pun you can think of.I really don’t want to 

47: what food do you think should be banned from the universe?kale

48: what was your biggest fear as a kid? is it the same today?the dentist. yes

49: do you like buying CDs and records? what was the last one you bought?I haven’t in a while bc I have no way to play them

50: what's an odd thing you collect?tears

51: think of a person. what song do you associate with them?Stephanie- true friends 

52: what are your favorite memes of the year so far?Have there really been any?

53: have you ever watched the rocky horror picture show? heathers? beetlejuice? pulp fiction? what do you think of them?Heathers is my favorite movie

54: who's the last person you saw with a true look of sadness on their face?this is a rude question

55: what's the most dramatic thing you've ever done to prove a point?at this point I don’t even know

56: what are some things you find endearing in people?when they have little things that make them light up

57: go listen to bohemian rhapsody. how did it make you feel? did you dramatically reenact the lyrics?no

58: who's the wine mom and who's the vodka aunt in your group of friends? why?I’m the vodka mom and Stephanie is the vodka aunt and we both are the wine gay cousin 

59: what's your favorite myth?tbh idk

60: do you like poetry? what are some of your faves?I do but I can’t think of a specific fav

61: what's the stupidest gift you've ever given? the stupidest one you've ever received?mean question 

62: do you drink juice in the morning? which kind?I drink ALL JUICE ALL DAY

63: are you fussy about your books and music? do you keep them meticulously organized or kinda leave them be?leave them be and then organize them every now and again

64: what color is the sky where you are right now?idk prolly dark blue/black

65: is there anyone you haven't seen in a long time who you'd love to hang out with?I always wanna see Stephanie 

66: what would your ideal flower crown look like?black roses and light pink accent flowers

67: how do gloomy days where the sky is dark and the world is misty make you feel?sad

68: what's winter like where you live?cold

69: what are your favorite board games?monopoly 

70: have you ever used a ouija board?I’m not THAT white

71: what's your favorite kind of tea?no

72: are you a person who needs to note everything down or else you'll forget it?nah

73: what are some of your worst habits?yeah we don’t have time for that

74: describe a good friend of yours without using their name or gendered pronouns.v good v pure best person on planet 

75: tell us about your pets!dog!!!!!!!!!!!!

76: is there anything you should be doing right now but aren't?so many things

77: pink or yellow lemonade?yellow. Idk what makes it pink

78: are you in the minion hateclub or fanclub?please stop bringing them up

79: what's one of the cutest things someone has ever done for you?i dunno

80: what color are your bedroom walls? did you choose that color? if so, why?white. no I live in a dorm

81: describe one of your friend's eyes using the most abstract imagery you can think of.wow it sees 

82: are/were you good in school?for the most part

83: what's some of your favorite album art?I like the all about us cover

84: are you planning on getting tattoos? which ones?the only one I want rn is one matching stephanie 

85: do you read comics? what are your faves?who do u think i am

86: do you like concept albums? which ones?idk

87: what are some movies you think everyone should watch at least once in their lives?Heathers, Ghost Busters (2016), Creepy Hanna Doll

88: are there any artistic movements you particularly enjoy?I like stick figures that show emotion

89: are you close to your parents?yeah I think

90: talk about your one of you favorite cities.I like Fredericksburg because it’s boring as fuck but it’s one of the only places that I can even kinda call home

91: where do you plan on traveling this year?too many places

92: are you a person who drowns their pasta in cheese or a person who barely sprinkles a pinch?give me it all

93: what's the hairstyle you wear the most?down with nothing done but blow drying it

94: who was the last person you know to have a birthday?It’s Matthew’s today :D

95: what are your plans for this weekend?cry

96: do you install your computer updates really quickly or do you procrastinate on them a lot?push it off for SO long

97: myer briggs type, zodiac sign, and hogwarts house?can’t remember, Capricorn, Slytherin 

98: when's the last time you went hiking? did you enjoy it?idk for hiking 

99: list some songs that resonate to your soul whenever you hear them.whenever I’m really really sad I listen to Iris on repeat 

100: if you were presented with two buttons, one that allows you to go 5 years into the past, the other 5 years into the future, which one would you press? why?I guess future because I don’t wanna go back. But also I don’t think I even want to risk skipping 5 years because who knows if I’ll miss out on something I really wanna be here forThat took FOREVER ily 

#ask #long post #324bee2dun

[allthislove]

Insomnia.

K, so, like, if you’re judgemental or you’re gonna unfollow or something, just don’t read, but I gotta... rant... to be able to breathe??? Because I can’t really... talk to anyone... and like, IDK...

K, so I’m mentally ill.

Like, you know, real life mentally ill, not movie mentally ill where either it makes you super good at like solving mysteries or super murdery.

Just regular degular mental illness. The kind where you seem perfectly fine to most people, but like your brain just works weirdly and you, yenno, sometimes want to die, or sometimes are afraid of  l i t e r a l l y  e v e r y t h i n g. 

So, yep, I’m mentally ill. I have OCD, diagnosed, which isn’t as fun as Monk and organized people will have you think. Like, for one, I’m not... organized... I’m super fucking messy and junky. Because that’s how my OCD works, I think. I’m sort of a person who is constantly afraid she’s going to miss something. So, instead of taking two seconds to put something in it’s proper place, I mostly just throw it onto my bed, or on one of the counters. I also think I’m never going to be able to find something if I put it away, so I leave it out because I think “at least I’ll know where it is.” And then that leads to a horribly messy space. The other part of that is, I do like things clean. Really clean. But the problem is, if I don’t clean it enough, I’ll think it’s dirty and then I won’t want to touch it to clean it. Which doesn’t really become a problem, because eventually I just freak and clean everything at once, and like, I couldn’t take a shower or even a piss if my bathroom was too dirty, anyway, because I’d not want to go in there. So, yeah.

But, anyway, I have OCD. And, I often forget. I want to be normal, even though “normal” isn’t really a thing. But I feel normal, and I think I’m normal, and then I’m not, and I start to wonder what’s wrong with me. Because OCD can manifest in ways that aren’t “I like to clean” or “GAHHH, EVERYTHING’S A MESS.”

OCD is the little liar. That’s the name most OCD people give it (or some variation) because that’s what it does. It lies to you. “That girl doesn’t like you.” “You’re really stupid.” “That food is going to make you sick.” “If you pick up that baby, you’ll hurt it.” Shit like that. Sometimes the lies are really, really scary and bad. I’ve been lucky not to have those, much, anymore. But I used to be afraid of knives, because I thought if I touched the knife, I might freak out and stab someone. It doesn’t mean I was going to, or that I wanted to, and that’s the point I think most people don’t get. OCD is a liar. It lies. So, because you’re a good person who thinks stabbing people is wrong, OCD will tell you that you secretly want to stab people just to make you think you’re a horrible person, and you’ll sit there and worry about it for weeks. Months. Years. 

So, sometimes I forget I have this little liar in my head. And I’m realizing some things I do are OCD symptoms.

Like, I’m really afraid for people to think I’m stupid. In any capacity. Which, great, it helped me earn near-perfect grades in undergrad... but also, it makes me do things which I think are annoying or will annoy or even anger other people. Like, I noticed that I overexplain everything. I always have, and I’ve always noticed it. But I thought about it... a couple of days ago. I explain shit. A lot. If I’m saying something, I’ll probably repeat, reiterate, drone on and on, and it’s not because I think the person is stupid or not capable of understanding. It’s generally because I feel stupid, or that someone will think I’m stupid, and I want to get out my whole thought. And then if I don’t get a response, I keep going, hoping to get one, to reassure me that I’m not stupid, annoying, obnoxious, wrong, or whatever. And then after it’s over, after I wrote the 5000 posts or spoke for an hour about cat fur, when the other person’s gone or whatever... I get so embarrassed and I hate myself. 

But it’s OCD. What I’m really doing is checking. It’s the same thing I do when I google symptoms, or I perform mental rituals. I’m checking to make sure you don’t hate me, or think I’m an idiot. (Seriously, being thought of as stupid is a huge thing, for me. I’m not sure why. It really shouldn’t matter to me if someone thinks that, but apparently it does.)

I also think I check social media so much because it’s a form of reassurance. And it’s so numbered that it’s horrible for OCD types like me. “14 likes, 20 replies, 16 likes on your reply” those are just numbers that help me obsess. 

It’s the same with the step counter on my phone. I get legitimately angry with myself if I don’t hit the step goal. And that silly, because it’s arbitrary and doesn’t mean anything. 

I think most of these obsessions also have come about because I’m incredibly stressed, right now. People obsess more when they’re stressed. In fact, most mental illnesses are triggered during times of stress. And, god, I’m stressed. I feel myself withdrawing. I want to stay in my room and watch Netflix, because I can control that. I have grad school coming at me at light speed, I have job interviews because NY living is so expensive that I’ll need a job, even though my department told me not to get one, I have moving to Brooklyn, which is expensive as fuck... bunch of drama around that, as well. And, no one is really checking in on me. And they well should, because every time someone asks me if I’m ready for New York, I say “not really”... and it’s true. I’m not.

Like, I want to go. I do. I just... also don’t. I can’t imagine that being my life, right now. NYC is vastly different from Charlotte/Matthews, where I live. I’ll be riding subway trains and getting ubers and taxis and I’ll have to walk a lot of places, and people keep telling me to be careful of being mugged, and it’s very, very cold there in the winter, whereas here it’s not, so there’s a lot I’m not looking forward to. I wanted to go to UCLA, so I’m still coming to terms with being in New York. And, don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful to be going to NYU, and I like New York a lot, and I like Brooklyn, and I’m sure I’ll like living there, once I get my own swing of things. But, you know... It’s a huge change, and I’m kinda scared.

I also... and this is deeply personal, and I never tell anyone shit like this because it’s not popular at all, but I want so badly to get married and have kids. And, like, you guys don’t understand how much that’s not a thing, for me. Like, I haven’t dated at all since I was 19. At. All. IDK if I’m ugly, or weird, or what, but I don’t get dates. And also, I’m biromantic-demisexual, which means sex kinda weirds me out unless I really like the person. (Not the same as “wanting to get to know you.”) And, like, most people my age just fuck. Like, they do it for fun... and I sort of wish that could be me, but also, I can’t see myself fucking for fun, because “demisexual” remember? It doesn’t really make sense to me. Not 100%. And I’m so afraid, literally, to date because I’m terrified that someone will want to have sex. And that’s been my experience. I’ll start sort of talking to someone, and they’ll be like “dicks, amirite? anyway, here’s mine!” and I’m like “GAHHHH!” Then, I sort of hate them. Alternatively, they’re beautiful and perfect and I love them and they think I’m a stump. And I die alone.

So, anyway, I’m getting really old. (Not really, but in my head as a tween, I imagined I’d be married by now.) I’m getting old, and I have no prospects, and I don’t even know how to date as an adult because I haven’t, really. And I’m not a virgin, but I don’t know how to sex, anymore. So, I feel like I’m gonna die alone. Or, I’m gonna end up getting married at 45 to some 57-year-old broker, and I’ll be too old to have biological kids, and it’ll just... IDK, be sad. Like, as of right now, I want kids in the next 5-ish years. I wanna get married in the next 5-ish years. And, probably just OCD or maybe comorbid depression, but I also kinda don’t think anyone would want me. If I’m not ugly, I’m definitely weird. And, like, I see so many people in my age group just stumbling on marriages and kids and partnerships and all the shit I want, and the way they talk about it is so ... like, negative. Like “hahaha, don’t have kids!” or “Girl, wait as long as you can!” or they’re like “hahaha, my fiance is such a jackass,” like... bitch, I want that life, and you out here trashing it. And, I know, grass is greener, too, but... okay, for one, I don’t understand why parents, especially new parents, think it’s cute to tell childless people shit like that. Like, what if I was trying really hard to get pregnant, and your asshole self with your brand new baby is like “Hahaha, girl, you should wait as long as you can to have kids!” Like, no, hoe, that’s rude. (Everyone talks about how you shouldn’t tell people they’ll want kids, but people also do the opposite like when you say “I can’t wait to have kids of my own,” and they’re like “Girl, trust me, yes you can.” Like, don’t do that. Nobody is stupid enough to think having kids is a walk in the park, but a lot of childless people do want kids, and some of us are in the correct age range and desperately want them, and your words could come across as insensitive. You don’t know what 25-40 year old had a miscarriage or has been trying for years, or whatever. Just don’t tell people what they want, let them tell you what they want. But, I’m on a tangent...) 

Anyway, the point is, I’m weird, I’m sort of not okay, right now, and I can’t sleep. Because I’m mentally ill. Which is also probably why I’m single, and will continue to be so.

I also probably have PTSD, but it’s undiagnosed, so there’s that. 

#mental illness