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#this is the first time she talks about being trans and it came up naturally because her prospects for professional sports are different
veeranger · 11 months
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dragon ball characters if you came out to them as trans because that other post annoyed me a little bit. i dont even do posts like this ever.
vegeta: he would NOT call you slurs. maybe he would have in saiyan saga but we’re talking DBS he’s pretty alright now. he would be like tch whatever i dont care but he wouldnt call you slurs. bulma however would put her foot directly up his ass and tell you they're both very happy for you.
bulma: she would be thrilled frankly. if there’s one thing bulma loves its more women around. she would personally offer to develop capsule corp hrt and would invite you to girls only brunches with videl and chichi.
gohan: that other post was pretty much right he would say 👍 and move on. he’s the most normal person in dragon ball he would just be normal about it.
piccolo: ok he probably does know what being transgender is he’s been on earth a long time but he does not have any opinion on it. you would tell him and he would look behind you to silently ask gohan what to say because naturally gohan is there too and gohan would be like 😇👍 and piccolo would look back at you and be like 😐👍
future trunks: “oh wow me too!”
chichi: she would be kind of weird about it not like transphobic but she would ask invasive questions with good intentions. she would ask if you can have kids or something and tell you that you cant get a good husband without being able to have kids. she would tell you that she thought gohan was going to turn out to be a girl for a few years there.
goku: goku would literally not have the first clue what that shit means. someone would have to explain it to him and he’d be like haha wow thats awesome.
18: she would not fucking care.
krillin:
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yamcha: unfortunately i do believe yamcha is a chaser.
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shebunie · 4 months
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Hello!! Can you do mizu x mixed trans fem reader which reader been traveling with them for a while now and they both find out about each other gender stuff by at a river when mizu is naked/bathing and reader doesn't know that mizu is their and is half naked to also sorry this is my first time requesting 😭😭
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𝐁𝐞𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐘𝐨𝐮𝐫𝐬
𝗠𝗶𝘇𝘂 𝘅 𝗺𝗶𝘅𝗲𝗱! 𝘁𝗿𝗮𝗻𝘀 𝗿𝗲𝗮𝗱𝗲𝗿
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𝐖𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠: 𝗸𝗶𝘀𝘀𝗶𝗻𝗴, 𝗰𝗼𝗻𝗳𝗲𝘀𝘀𝗶𝗼𝗻, 𝗰𝗼𝗺𝗳𝗼𝗿𝘁, 𝗺𝘂𝘁𝘂𝗮𝗹 𝗽𝗶𝗻𝗻𝗶𝗻𝗴, 𝗶𝗻𝗷𝘂𝗿𝘆, 𝗺𝗶𝘇𝘂 𝗯𝗲𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗯𝗮𝗯𝘆 𝐖𝐨𝐫𝐝 𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐭: 𝟭.𝟭𝗸 𝐀/𝐍: 𝗜 𝗿𝗲𝗮𝗹𝗹𝘆 𝗱𝗶𝗱 𝗹𝗼𝘃𝗲 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗿𝗲𝗾𝘂𝗲𝘀𝘁, 𝘀𝘂𝗻𝘀𝗵𝗶𝗻𝗲 𝘅 𝗴𝗿𝘂𝗺𝗽𝘆 𝘁𝗿𝗼𝘂𝗽𝗲, 𝗮𝗯𝗹𝗲 𝘁𝗼 𝘁𝗮𝗸𝗲 𝗮 𝗱𝗲𝗲𝗽 𝗱𝗶𝘃𝗲 𝘄𝗶𝘁𝗵 𝗵𝗲𝗿 𝗰𝗵𝗮𝗿𝗮𝗰𝘁𝗲𝗿.
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Sandals crunched beneath your feet as you and Mizu traversed the vast expanse of the snow-covered path. The ethereal silence was occasionally interrupted by the soft whispers of the freezing winter breeze. A pristine white carpet enveloped the landscape, kissed by the gentle rays of the sun that filtered through the treetops, creating a mesmerizing play of light and shadow. Enchanted by the beauty, you mumbled to Mizu, the sword-wielder trailing behind.
"It's so beautiful," you sighed, casting your gaze ahead at the winter wonderland that stretched out before you.
Mizu's response came as a whisper, a ghost of a smile playing on her lips as she tilted her head to obscure her vision. "Indeed it is," she agreed, her eyes already locked onto yours.
You slowed your pace to match Mizu's, the two of you now walking side by side. "I heard some orchids bloom at this time of the month. Do you think we might encounter some on our way?" you asked, leaning down to catch the gaze of the dark-haired swordsman who had allowed you to join her on this quest for revenge.
"Rarely," Mizu replied with a hint of melancholy. "They're suited neither for frost nor fry."
Undeterred, you faced forward, a hopeful glint still evident in your eyes. "There is still a chance then, slim but evident."
Mizu peered at you from the corner of her eye, playfully rolling her eyes and shaking her head. She let out a small, contented sigh as you both continued your journey.
Throughout the trek, you occupied Mizu with your lively chatter, and she didn't mind. Your cheery and bright demeanour made the otherwise solemn journey more bearable.
As the sun dipped below the horizon and the moon took its place in the night sky, the duo decided to set up camp in a desolate area of the forest. A crackling fire was kindled to stave off the biting winter chill.
"Stay here while I look for more firewood," Mizu instructed, rising from her seated position. You noticed a subtle grimace as she reached for her shoulder, a lingering reminder of the battles she had fought.
"Let me help—" you began.
"No, you do not have to," she cut you off, her voice firm yet soft. With a nod, she ventured off into the darkened woods.
Exhaling a heavy sigh, you turned your attention to a boiling pot of water. "I guess I'm on soup duty."
As you rummaged through the meager supplies in your small travel bag, you realized the ingredients were lacking. Setting the pot aside, you decided to forage for plants in the nearby vicinity.
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Meanwhile, Mizu settled by the river's shore, wincing at the friction caused by her clothes. With a hiss, she slipped off her shoulder armor, exposing a bloody wound. Sighing, she removed the clothing entirely and immersed herself in the warm waters of the river, seeking solace from the pain.
For the first time, she felt a sense of relaxation, the soothing sounds of the river diverting her thoughts from the persistent ache of the gash she had acquired in her battle with Taigen.
Her mind, however, drifted to you. She questioned why.
Was it because you both shared the same defect? Did she pity you? Was it your annoyingly talkative nature?
Both of you were made with mixed metal, marked as demons, outcasts in a world where being a woman was challenging enough. Mizu loathed the stares and derogatory remarks that accompanied your presence. She detested the morbid offers from flesh traders who saw you as a commodity, a means to make coin.
She had never wondered why.
Why her gaze linger a bit longer when you patched her up. Why there were accidental hand touches that felt like more than mere accidents. Why she felt an unexplainable need to see, hear, or hold you close.
A sudden snap broke her reverie. Mizu swiftly picked up and unsheathed her sword, forgetting her clothes in the process. Danger lurked; you were in danger. The sharp end of her blade was now pointed at the intruder.
At you.
Half-naked, you stood there with wide eyes. Immediately, you turned your bare back toward her, attempting to shield yourself. "I saw no— nothing," you stammered, your hands hugging your half-exposed body for warmth. A sigh escaped from behind.
"I thought I told you to stay?"
"Well, you see, after you left, I was about to cook food for us, but then we were lacking ingredients. So, I assumed the forest might have some plants or herbs lying around and got carried away—"
"You talk too much," Mizu remarked, her eyes burning into the back of your head.
A frown creased your face, and your gaze dropped to the ground. "Sorry," you muttered loud enough for Mizu to hear.
A faint splash of water behind you prompted you to look. The blue-eyed woman sat under the warm waters of the river, staining its clear stream with red. "You're bleeding." Without much thought, you undressed and submerged yourself in the water.
Mizu never once looked your way as she felt the soft touch of your fingers tracing her wound, biting back a wince. "You should have told me; I could've stitched this up." The revelation of her being a woman had temporarily left your mind as you ripped a piece of cloth from your garments to make a makeshift towel to clean her wound.
With a gentle touch, you took care of her once more.
Silence lingered in the atmosphere until you spoke. "Do you trust me, Mizu?" The question had her turn her gaze to you, eyes reflecting the subtle glow of the moon, cheeks tinted a faint red from the warmth of the water.
Lips hovered over yours, not quite kissing but close enough that any small distance could do so. Their breaths blended, warm and wanting. It felt wrong, Mizu thought. She dared not close that distance; she was afraid to do so. Yet, you had her in a trance.
"Can I kiss you?" The way her eyes lingered on your lips, she raised a hand to tuck a loose strand of hair behind your ear. You leaned in, closing the final distance. Your fingers tread carefully in her dark tresses, one hand caressing her face with a gentle touch.
It made Mizu feel safe. She felt seen and loved by your touches. She loved you.
A hand slid from the side of your thigh to your waist, guiding you forward to straddle her lap. Parting from one another, Mizu leaned her forehead against yours with a ragged breath and a faint smile. Tracing circles on your bare hips with her thumb, she whispered, "You've stolen my heart, and I want it to continue being yours."
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wen-kexing-apologist · 9 months
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Trans Allegory in Cupid's Last Wish
When I first started my BL journey a few months back, I watched Cupid’s Last Wish as a comparison point for Earth and Mix’s acting after seeing A Tale of A Thousand Stars, because, to be honest, I struggled with Phupa initially and wanted to see if it was a character thing or if Earth just wasn’t a strong actor (I have settled decidedly on Earth being a good actor).  Cupid’s Last Wish did not seem to have the widest reception when it came out and I was deep into a rapid BL Binge Watch, so I wasn’t paying the most attention to the story and what it was trying to say when I initially started it. That is, until Episode 6…when I burst into tears after one particular scene, because I had the sudden realization that this show has a trans allegory baked into it. I wanted to watch it again, using that lens from the beginning. In conversations with @lurkingshan she said she was having trouble connecting with Earth as an actor, and I suggested she try this show because it gave me the info I needed to understand Earth’s acting ability. And we picked up @so-much-yet-to-learn along the way.
And so a group watch began! There will be spoilers in this post.
Plot Summary: “Korn and Win are childhood best friends. Conflicts arise when Win's father includes Korn in his will, granting him part of the family's farm's stocks. Misunderstandings follow, breaking up their friendship of 22 years. Their path crosses again when Win gets into a car accident with his sister Lin, and wakes up to find his soul in her body. To return to his original body, Win, in the body of Lin, sets off on a road trip to collect holy water from 4 temples across the country within 7 days. The companion to his journey is none other than his friend turned foe, Korn.” (My Drama List)
Notes: 
From the point of the body-swap onward, we will be referring to who is shown on screen as Mix or Jan depending on the actor because we are following the character of Win the entire time, and naming the actors is my way of not invalidating the fact that Win is always present even when Lin's body is on screen. 
Anytime we talk about changes in a biological aspect of the story in terms of its connection to trans people, we are referring to the changes trans people commonly experience on HRT (hormone replacement therapy). 
Characters:  Win: Reason All of This Is Happening, played by Mix Sahaphap Korn: Win’s best friend, played by Earth Pirapat Lin: Win’s sister, played by Jan Ployshompoo Non: Win and Korn’s childhood best friend, played by White Nawat
Episode 1: 
One of the first line we get in the show is Win saying “I want a female name”, it is not established until partway through the scene that Win is referring to a female name for a calf. From a trans allegory lens, this is a beautiful establishing moment that there will be gender fuckery about and I love that they let the statement sit for a moment before the reveal.
Win is obviously in love with Korn, Korn is obviously in love with Win, but we see a moment where Win withdraws into himself and gets sad because he sees Korn interacting with Lin and has convinced himself that Korn might not actually feel the same way he does. The jealousy and withdrawn nature that we see occur in Win whenever Korn and Lin interact is going to be a central plot point. 
We see Mix when Win wakes up, and we see him standing on one side of the mirror while Jan’s face is reflected back at him. 
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We end the episode with Win waking up in Lin’s body, fighting everybody to try to attack Korn, and then falling into Korn’s arms, where the imagery shifts from Jan in this scene to Mix as Korn holds Win. From the moment that Win is placed into this female body, Korn still sees Win, the man he has known his whole life. 
We identified a pattern going forward: We see Jan when there are multiple witnesses, and we see Mix when it’s just Korn and Win in a scene together or when a scene is shot from Korn’s perspective. 
Episode 2 
We see Jan when Win tries hitchhiking, and when Win’s being harassed by the men that were picked up by the person he was hitchhiking from, and when Win and Korn first sit down at a restaurant. Places where they are in public, places where Win forgets that he is in the body of a woman and therefore more prone to experiencing danger.
At the restaurant, the waitress walks away, and the scene shifts to Mix when Win and Korn are alone and start talking to each other, then back to Jan when a waitress is called to the table. 
At the temple: Mix when Win and Korn are walking alone together, Jan when another person comes to warn them about the spirits in the mountain, and Mix when they are alone again. 
Win realizes he has a much smaller appetite in Lin’s body. Trans appetite change: Real. 
“That bit about not realizing the danger because you never thought of yourself in a position of vulnerability around men. Real.” -@so-much-yet-to-learn
The type of ghost that is said to exist in the woods of the temple, Krasue, is only a head and entrails, no body. That’s trans, baby. 
Episode 3
We see Jan when Win and Korn start running up the stairs towards the temple, Mix when Win faints and gets cradled by Korn. 
“Lin is not as physically strong as you” -Korn 
Something about Korn having to constantly remind Win about the function of the body that he is in reads as trans to me. 
Mix when by themselves, Jan when they run into the woman in the woods, Mix when they leave. 
“Just Being Friendly” plays when Korn covers Win’s eyes (Mix is the person on screen for this) …sure puen puen puen…uh huh. This isn’t part of the trans lens stuff, just noting the irony of the song with what we know about the heart eyes between these two. 
We see Jan at the public temple. 
Win is told by the monk at the second temple: “You are in a female body, keep reminding yourself of that,” Jan’s face: 
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Cuts to Mix 
“If you see things with your eyes and not your heart you won’t see clearly. If you cover your eyes with your hand, you will not be completely blind. But if you shut down your heart you will be completely blind.” Identity is internal, Win is still Win even though he’s in Lin’s body, etc. etc. etc. 
Mix when Win and Korn are alone together in the car, Jan when they check in to the hotel.
Win gets a new room when he learns about the open bathroom, “is this because of the sexual tension between Win and Korn or because of the body he’s in?” -smytl. The entire road trip so far, Win has been forgetting about or willfully ignoring the body he is in, but he was just reminded of his body by the abbot. 
We see Jan when Win is on FaceTime with his mom, after their mom overhears her employees gossiping about how she should be worried about her daughter traveling with a man. Switches to Mix when Win is off the phone. 
“Do you not want me to get cold because you don’t want me to be a burden?” \\ “No, because I care…I care about Lin, she’s not as strong as you” \\ “I think Lin’s body needs more rest”  
Korn is always addressing Win but at the same time has to remind Win that he’s in Lin’s body. This is where we can start to see the seeds of doubt about who Korn has feelings for be planted in Win’s mind.
But Korn never has trouble using Win’s name, always referring to Win by his name when they are alone, not trying to maintain pretenses in public. 
Win never sleeps in as late as 8am and then takes a nap in the car
“You sleep better on testosterone, and often sleep for a shorter time,” -smytl
We see Jan in the restaurant
We see Mix in the car once again singing to ‘Just Being Friendly’ 
Episode 4 
We see Mix when Win is by himself, Mix when Korn finds Win, Mix when Korn walks them back through the forest, and Mix all evening and in the morning. We only see Jan when they start walking towards the temple. 
We see Jan at the restaurant talking to the waitress, Mix when it’s just Win and Korn at the table.
“You worry too much about Lin’s body” -Win
We see Mix in the car, Jan at the rest stop and in the bathroom. The fact that we get Jan for the entire time that Win is alone in the bathroom is intriguing in terms of what getting your period does to remind trans people of their bodies. 
They are making brain chemistry a part of the character, they aren’t just plunking a soul into a body. Win’s hunger is impacted, his temperature regulation is impacted, his mood is impacted on his period because he’s experiencing different hormone levels than usual. Noticeable changes in body function can be a part of hormone replacement therapy when people start estrogen, progesterone & spironolactone (transfemme) or testosterone (transmasc). 
We see Mix when Win is crying and getting hugged/comforted by Korn. We see Jan in the restaurant but then Mix when he starts eating.
Episode 5
Let’s talk about all the times we see Mix grappling with the period pain, rather than Jan AND that we see Korn care so well for Win AND that Mix is on screen for those scenes so you know that Korn is seeing Win in these moments despite Win having a period.
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“Hearing stories over the years of transmacs being comforted by a partner through period pain…For someone to see you so clearly that something we were raised to consider profoundly gendered could not shake their idea of you?” -smytl
We see Jan at the hotel lobby and in the hotel restaurant when the waitress is there. Mix is present when the waitress walks away and Win’s jealousy comes out to play. Jan is present when Korn’s boss drops by for a chat. Win has an angry reaction to being called Korn’s sister. Win, in fact, gets angry or otherwise upset whenever he is referred to as a woman by Korn
Win gets jealous, Mix is on screen when Win plays up his femininity a bit around Korn’s boss to try to warn Korn’s boss about flirting with him. 
Episode 6
Now, looking at the entire show with a trans-lens means I have found a lot more scenes that I can read as a trans allegory. But Episode 6 truly has the most obvious moments of transness at least to me (a trans person). Win spends a lot of his time this episode looking at himself in mirrors, grappling with the identity of who he is and whose body he is in:
Korn helps Win (Mix) with his seat-belt “When you’re female-presenting, accepting help feels like the status quo. When you’re male-presenting, accepting help is making a conscious choice. There’s subtle shifts, I don’t know how much of it is being out and feeling like myself or hormonal changes adjusting the brain chemistry but I definitely take pride in the ability to do things myself, care for other people in a different quality than I used to before.” -smytl
We see Mix when Win is leaving the car and running to the stable, Jan when they get to the stable. Korn called Win “Lin” when he fainted after treating Katin’s bloat (Katin is Win’s most favorite dairy cow) because they are around everyone at the farm. Korn is intentionally mis-identifying Win because they are around Win’s entire family who do not know that Win is in the wrong body.  
Korn’s calls Win “Lin” again when he pulls Win away from his cousins. His aunt and uncle pick up on the fact that Lin is acting like Win. We see Mix when we cut to Korn carrying Win away and talking with his friend. Again, intentionally mis-identifying Win because they are around people who are not aware. 
Win looks in the mirror and sees Lin.
“You looked just like Win, I wondered if you swapped bodies.” 
We see Jan on the farm, and with White’s character (White’s character is in love with Lin so it makes sense that he is seeing Lin’s body).
We see Mix when Korn arrives on scene.
“Please keep Lin safe” says Win’s Mom, and Korn and Win share a knowing glance. 
“Mom was right. He loves Lin.” THEN MIX STARES INTO THE SIDE MIRROR OF THE CAR AND JAN STARES BACK (Win looks and sees Lin).
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Gifs from @thepancakelady
Now this is the point where we remember that most of this episode has been spent back home, where everyone around Win kept seeing and referring to him as Lin. Even Korn did it to not…literally out Win. And then they leave, Korn says “I don’t love Lin any more than you” and Win convinces himself that Korn is in love with Lin. Because he just spent all this time being around people that did not affirm his identity. 
Which leads to the scene that started it all. 
Here we are with Win repeating over and over and over again “You are Lin. You’re not Win. You’re Lin. You’re not Win. You are Lin. You’re not Win. You are Lin. You’re not Win. You are Lin.” 
Every example that he thinks about in his time with Korn on this road trip where Korn is caring for Win physically, Win replaces himself with the image of Lin’s body. THIS! SHOW! IS! TRANS!
Win (as Mix) runs to the ocean and has a massive screaming breakdown in the water. I don’t know about anyone else, but that sort of frustrated, heartbroken all-consuming rage is something that was very familiar to me when I came home and had my identity constantly undermined by my family.
“I don’t want to have good feelings for you anymore” \\ “Why not?’ \\ “I don’t want to be soft again.”There is something to be said here about toxic masculinity classifying softness as a negative thing and Win grappling with feeling perceived as feminine leading up to this. But more likely, based on the context of the previous scene, Win is struggling with the idea that Korn’s connection is to Lin’s body and not to Win’s soul. 
Episode 7
We see Jan at the wheel when it was just Win and Korn in the car in order to signify that Win is dealing with less developed upper body strength, this is one of the only times we see Jan on screen when it is just Korn and Win alone, but it quickly cuts back to Mix. We see Jan in public again. We see Mix when Korn starts massaging Win’s shoulders. In fact, every point of physical care and intimacy that we see between Win and Korn, Mix is the one on screen. When we did see Jan on screen with Korn in the flashbacks Win has in Episode 6, he is literally shifting his own mental image of the body he is in. But Korn only ever sees Mix. But Win is so caught up in the body he is in that he routinely fails to account for all the moments of emotional intimacy and care that Korn gives him throughout the journey. 
We see Jan when Win starts eating, and then Mix when Korn ties up his hair. 
Korn switches to sleeping on the floor instead of the bed at this point, despite the fact they have shared a bed multiple times by this point. The end credit scene shows Korn holding Win’s hand from the floor, so the most likely interpretation is that Korn is deeper in his feelings and isn’t sure he can bear sleeping next to Win.  
We see Jan around others.
Episode 8 
Win dreams of Lin. This is one in a number of examples of dissociation as a form of dysphoria.
Win and Korn confess their love for eachother and share a brief kiss. Win very quickly realizes the body that he is in, and overthinks how Korn must be viewing him. Win breaks the kiss, and stays far away from Korn the rest of the evening.
Lin wakes up in Win’s body. Non sees Mix at first, realizes that it’s Lin and then sees Jan. In previous scenes with just Non and Win, Jan is on screen (unless Korn is also present in which case Mix is there). Non is in love with Lin and therefore sees Lin’s body when he’s interacting with Win.
We see Mix when their Mom comes in. 
When Win has the flashbacks to everything, he keeps forgetting about the stuff that Korn did to make him smile, the emotional connections, he only remembers the times that Korn took care of his body, but this time he sees himself instead of Lin.
Non sees Mix in Lin’s body and Jan in Mix’s body so he’s also internalized the consciousness of the person. 
Something about the solidarity between Win and Lin when they first meet again, seeing each other in their respective bodies in a way many around them don’t. That’s trans friendship, baby! 
When their bodies are switched back, Korn immediately makes eye contact with Win because he’s always always seen Win. Korn has been traveling with Lin’s body this whole time, but the person he has been through all of this with is Win. When Win is finally in the body that is his, Korn needs no time at all to adjust. 
Episode 9
Swapping the bodies back in the hospital feels very medical, with the monk asking everyone to leave the room while he performs the body reassignment, and then walking calmly out to Korn and Non waiting in the chairs asking how the procedure went.
Episode 10 
“How could I not know my own children?” “More a generally queer thing than specifically trans, but a parent (anyone) so entrenched in their idea of you that they remain oblivious to what seem like obvious discrepancies to others. Continuing to act under that assumption until you are forced to confront their misperception and correct it because you can't continue the lie anymore.” -smytl. 
Wardrobe Choice
Win’s wardrobe throughout the show consists entirely of simple, utilitarian clothes that are loose and prioritize comfort over style. It follows the same stylistic choices consciously made by many transmasc individuals, namely selecting articles of clothing that obscure or draw attention away from certain features. Some of this may be attributed to Mix’s choice and comfort level in clothing (but this is a trans allegory so we’re analyzing the wardrobe with that lens). The choice in attire becomes more apparent when Jan is on screen as Win, and we see Win as Jan choose to continue to wear Win’s clothing as what is most comfortable for him.
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Those styles are: 
Loose pants, often cut to have added structure or with side pockets along the hip or thigh, which break up any curve there in a silhouette. 
Multiple layers of t-shirt and jacket or overshirt when out in public, usually left open in the front. The parallel vertical lines of the placket draw the eye up to the collar and away from the chest. The straight lines also minimize the appearance of any curves beneath, and make the torso seem boxier.
Jackets with multiple patches or patterns, or plaid flannel shirts, which again visually distract to break up body lines. The only time we see Win without these added layers is when he is alone with Korn, in a hotel room where he cannot be seen by passers by, where his focus is on relief from period pain. His decision to wear a simple t-shirt without the added layers shows his comfort level with Korn is higher than anyone else, to take off the layers of protection and concealment. 
And the most prominent wardrobe choice, a sling bag carried cross-body in front, which covers and draws focus away from the chest beneath. This can also be a form of emotional armor or comfort item to hold onto for reassurance under stress, and is indeed gripped as such in moments of tension throughout the show. The bag is only used during the body swap and when out in public.
Final Thoughts
Notably, we didn’t notice a lot of gendered language being used until Win and Lin are back in their respective bodies. And in the rare instances of gendered language being used during the body swap (like in Episode 4) the pronouns are messed up. Win (played by Jan in this moment) says “krub” initially and then changes it to “kha” when he remembers that he’s in a woman’s body.
Something else that truly makes us capable of reading it as trans, rather than a typical body swap, is that for the majority of the show, only one body has been swapped. Lin’s soul is stuck in limbo for most of the show, leaving Win’s body an empty, waiting vessel. Jan is utilized in this show mostly as a reminder to the viewers that the outside world is seeing Korn with Lin when they are on their journey.  Do we think the trans allegory is intentional? Honestly, no. But watching the show with that lens in mind, seeing the body swap as an allegory for transness does greatly improve the story. It still falters at the end, the plot is not revolutionary. But it holds a lot more meaning, has a lot more weight if you see the barrier to Win and Korn actually getting together as Win being unable to believe that Korn is actually seeing Win this whole time. Win is convinced Korn sees him as Lin and would not actually love him as a man. And it makes Korn’s love and care for Win more powerful if you read the story as trans and know Korn has seen Win, as a man, the entire time, despite him being in a female body. 
(shout out to @so-much-yet-to-learn and @lurkingshan for their contributions during the watch party and in writing this post, this was a group effort)
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ccarrot · 3 months
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ontnffg Half of it is me being like. Girl youre like me bro. Lkfkriterally projection. Ok
So heres some options:
Chuuya transitions while with the Sheep, that funky gang of gender kiddos. He'd be accepted at least in that way.
Chuuya transitions after joining the mafia. A swift departure from canon but could be fun to think about if you're ready to fudge with BSD.
Alt timeline where chuuya wanted to be a Boy since a little kid and N just decided "that works" when faking his death and creating a new identity for him. This implies that N is not transphobic no he is anyways bc N has no redeeming qualities </3 Chuuya's just legally a male now.
Lets talk about timeline 2 ok.
Chuuya had the title of "King of Sheep" back when He was still a She. He always had his hair cropped short to make his gender relatively unknown.
Brief encounter during Fifteen, Dazai's like "huh your actually a girl? Thats not very King of Sheep of you" and Chuuya kicks him again
Getting assigned to Kouyou meant that fashion was Important. Kouyou tried to encourage dress in very pretty feminine clothes like she did with Kyouka, after a lot of kicking and screaming she let him have his way with clothes of his choosing but only if it was very expensive and fit.
Generic teen skk fic set up, daz and chuu needed to attend this extremely fancy gala type event, and chuuya's stuck wearing a dress. Till Dazai's master psychoanalysis skill kicks in and he's like 'i gotchu bro' leads chuuya to his closet of identical looking generic black suits. They're a little big for chuuya but he was happy, AND Dazai got a swell view of chuuya in his clothes so it was a win-win.
I think Kouyou was the first one to start referring to him like a "boy" (she knows whats up with the transfemme swag) Dazai also started going like. " dude" "bro" "man" you know, guy terms. And the Flags were the firat people he was like, asking if they could use different pronouns, and Lippman called him a "he" and that zinged something in his brain.
After he came out, Mori changed his bribe "If you get to executive, i'll get you your top surgery" Mori was gonna pay for his surgery anyways. Happened sometime after Dark Era around 20ish
He did get started on T like as soon as the Boss found out. Mori might be a bad person but he's the trans rights president!! ^v^
Chuuya got kinda lucky being naturally flat but during some low points you Know my bro was still up in the unsafe binding business. At least until Dazai found out where his missing bandage rolls started going and Kouyou and him staged an intervention.
He messed up his ribs pretty bad a couple of times
Chuuya's never conformed to the gender binaries by default. but once he got out of his "i need to fit in" mindset, presenting "traditionally masculine" stopped being the biggest concern. So now lets himself have *fun* with his hair and clothes.
Poor guy is still really insecure. Low key always in a state of worried about his looks. Like Yes he may seem confident in his gender but bro still got the Thoughts plauging him. Dysphoria king 😔
When he reunited with Dazai in the dungeon, he was subtly going like. "Heeeyy. Hey notice anything different about me?? :3" and Dazai annoyingly misses "nope same old chuuya as he's always been"
Dazai does recognize that chuuya was trying to show off that he finished transitioning. Right b4 leaving (and the rich girl impression) he surpise attacks with a good ol "yeah lol jk. Congrats on the transition btw you're looking very handsome these days" bonus points if there's an unxpected behind hug.
Chuuya and Daz get together sometime after s3. Dazai become a borderline annoying cheerleader whenever chuuya takes off his shirt
Okay. Have fun with that
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infodumping-on-main · 3 months
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there's a unique struggle related to my experience growing up female that none of my male peers relate to*
in my life specifically, it seems that only other people who grew up female** seem to understand what i am talking about
and that is the immense pressure adults put on you to constantly be aware of your body and dress it "modestly"
i have a very explicit memory on this topic:
when i was a child, no older than 5, i wanted to go play with my shirtless (boy) friends on a trampoline outside
excitedly, i took my shirt off in preparation to join them. all of us with our childish flat chests and bare shoulders, bouncing around in the warm summer sun. it sounded like joy! it sounded like bliss
as soon as it came off, however, i was gripped by the shoulders and told i had to put it back on. "you're not allowed to do that," i was told
"why not?"
"because you're a girl, and girls can't do that."
"okay."
i did not go outside.
another time, when i was around 11 and just barely beginning to develop breast tissue, my school (which normally required uniforms) treated us to a "pajama day"
i told my dad about it very excitedly and planned my outfit in front of him: a comfortable t shirt and pajama pants
"what about the bra?" my father asked
"what bra? i don't wear bras to bed," i answered
my father stammered a bit: "you have to wear it to school though. i know it's pajama day, but you have to wear one anyway"
i did not wear my pajamas to school the next day, and instead opted for my regular school uniform.
on other days when we were allowed to ditch our school uniform, i still had to ensure that my sleeves were at least "three fingers long". whose fingers, you ask? not mine. i guess my fingers were so small and thin that compared to my teacher's massive fingers on my shoulder, my sleeve was still too skinny to be worn. my shoulders had to be covered, and thus i risked overheating by wearing a coat or risk further punishment. never did i see or hear of my male peers having the length of their sleeves measured, and saw many of them with no shirts at all at many school events
in high school, when i made my school's history by being the first transmasculine person on the boy's soccer team, many members of my team stayed after practice to continue kicking around a ball one Friday afternoon. as was usual for them, they took off their shirts and ran around in the sun. i left earlier than i wanted to in order to avoid being the only team mate on the field unable to do so.
the only times i have felt the sun on my bare back and chest have been in secret. when i have stolen away to the farm fields and irrigation canals for privacy. and even then, i would throw my shirt back on at the slightest noise
this isn't even mentioning how many times i've had my butt specifically called out for being "big" as a child. being nicknamed "bubble butt" before the age of 10. being approached by girls in locker rooms and hallways to be "complimented" on the size of it. being accused of arching my back forward to "make it look bigger". people making jokes about how falls must never hurt with as "big an ass" as mine. all and more before the age of 18.
I felt compelled to write this because of a quote I read in Jami Nakamura Lin's memoir "The Night Parade" On page 75, she writes: "These two stories are as old as time: the way the adults hide your body because everyone is tempted by it, and the way you hate your body because no one is tempted by it."
even now, as someone who does not neatly fit into the box of white cisgendered womanhood and who considers themself mostly neutral in nature, i am greatly affected by the gendered treatment i received when i was younger. these weren't just messages i saw in media or internalized from my surroundings. they were violently and forcibly imposed on me from a very young age in a way that very few, if any, of my male peers experienced (yes, even the trans fem ones*).
i think in conversations about "gendered socialization," we forget three things:
Yes, it can include implicit messaging and many people internalize the messages they feel apply to themselves. Yet, there are large swaths of the trans community who had little to no sense they were a different gender than the one they were assigned before puberty. Many of us tried very hard to be the "right kind" of gender we were assigned as a result, and this can leave deep scars and elusive side effects well into and beyond transition that affect how we see/treat ourselves as well as others
Gendered socialization ALSO involves the explicit messaging that was imposed on us by our caretakers and community members. In my neck of the woods, the concepts of "boys will be boys" and "girls mature faster" meant that the boys in my area were given much more freedom than the girls. And as a young "girl", this put me in a position of forced feminization, which poisons my relationship to femininity and womanhood to this day. Adults forcing me to wear and act ways I didn't feel comfortable with were acts of gendered socialization and violence. I saw my male counterparts experience this differently from me, but I cannot speak for them. I see very few people acknowledge this piece during discussions about gendered socialization
It's culturally specific, and often varies even within the same country. We cannot make sweeping generalizations about it, and thus must speak from our own range of experience, compare that to others' experiences, and bring awareness to the fact that gendered socialization will not look the same (or even exist) everywhere for everyone.
Anyway, I still do not know how to dress or love the body I am in. I was forcibly taught and sometimes rewarded for hiding my body to the best of my ability. Now that I am a working professional, I do not know how to dress myself and this hurts my career in the long run if I do not learn this skill soon. Additionally, I wish I could just let my lover see and hold me in a way that feels comfortable. I wish I could be loved and seen in a body I feel at home in, as my personal experience growing up female (raised differently from my brothers) has made my body a foreign (and thorny) concept to me.
Regardless of whether it's dysphoria or "internalized misogyny" or dysmorphia or whatever the "correct label" for my discomfort may be, I wish and long for top surgery to restore my sense of self. Aside from that, I will continue to work hard to love and appreciate my body and its shape as it is. I hope to undo all the messaging that told me my body was "too tempting" to show and therefore "made [me] a target" deserving of violence and unwanted attention.
If you want to add your own commentary, feel free to do so. As I said, I can only speak of my own experience growing up in the area I did. I would especially love to hear from other trans people on this. At the very least, I would like to know if anyone out there has experienced similar and could perhaps put it to words better than I can. All I ask is that you comment in good faith and do your best to be kind
*i know this because i have spoken about it with them; again, I refer to the people assigned male that I personally know.
**this probably also applies to trans fems who realized their girlhood early and therefore were pressured similarly, but i cannot speak on that. i have trans fem friends, but all of them will tell you they see their childhoods as "boyhoods" without the same pressures to be "feminine correctly" imposed on them by their parents and other adults. they will, however, tell you of the messages they internalized then and the pressures they face now
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cutepastelstarsalior · 8 months
Text
Silly spiderverse headcanons
Gwen has a WIDE range of music. Something it’s alternative rock, sometimes it HipHop, sometimes it’s a generic pop songs.
Gwen likes listening to rock bands the most becomes she try’s to replicate the drummer’s speed or style. Or something listen to emotional screaming help her deal with all of her issues™️
Gwen and hobbie like to listen to each others music taste. Since cds came out in the 1980, someone gives Hobie one and he loves it. He learns how to burn music onto it
he and Gwen make each other playlist and cds.
They also make playlist for their friends. (They both gift givers)
Gwen picked her name after her favorite tv character
Autistic Gwen!!! Adhd Miles and Pavtir!!!
The Spider Gang™️ have friendship kandi bracelets.
Peni is Lesbian, Miles, Gwen, and Pavtir are bisexual, Noir is gay, Margo is Demi-aromantic, and hobie is aromantic + gay.
Gwen, Pav, and Hobie are all trans.
Miles has bad anxiety
Once Miles tells his family he’s Spider-Man, his mom immediately teaches him first aid, just in case.
Pavtir is naturally happy and energetic. But kind of hate it when other thinks he’s faking it or being native
Margo favorite food is steak tacos and she like binge eating anime
Margo comes from a big family and is the middle child
Peni favorite food is ramen and she tried to teach the others how to make it
Peni favorite anime in Ergo Proxy
Gwen has a special interest in penguins and she loves to see them at the zoo.
Gwen collects penguins and cute plushies
Noir also like penguins, E-42 miles like pumas, Pavtir like giraffes, Miles likes sea lions. Margo likes tigers, and Hobie likes pandas.
E-42 Miles (Gonzola) and Miles have a sibling “twin” bond
Every time they’re online the 2 like to spam each other kaomoji
both roleplay with each other
Adult headcanon
Miguel is trans, Jessica is pansexual, Peter is polygamous bi, and MJ is omnisexual polygamous
Miguel has ocd and self destructive tendencies
Peter has adhd and very bad depression
Jessica being a new mother gets a bit nervous leaving her baby at home with her husband, but she won’t dare bring her kid to HQ
She ends up bring her baby to HQ
Both Jessica and Peter talk to each other about being first time parents + child having spider powers. They both fins it helpful
Jess’s baby and Mayday grow up to be childhood friends :)
Ben Ridley and Superior Spider-Man have lot of philosophical debates…that sometimes leads into physical fights
Miguel like flan (strawberry specifically) since his mom taught him and that like the only positive moment the two had.
When Miguel was 13 his mom bought Gabriel a cat even thought Miguel was allergic
When Miguel was 8 and Gabe was 6, Gabe help Miguel picked out his name
Lyla like to dress up in different outfit because it help tricks humans into believing she not a computer and thus they tell her their emotional problems
She also like old fashion she thinks it’s fun she and Margo bond over it
Lyla he,so Miguel with his anger issues and ocd
The HQ has really good medical program and free healthcare
The HQ also has a way to make money for different dimensions.
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fangymutt · 10 months
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have you made a post or anything talking about being a therian and like, how you came to realize it and stuff? im questioning myself and was hoping maybe, as a longtime follower of yours, your experience (any amount of it really) could help me out. no need to push urself to explain or anything of course!! i appreciate you being open about it in general ❤️
I never made a generalized post about it really since I'm very much a private introspective person (usually bounce things off my wife and my closest friends) and of course sought out input from Therian pals to help unpack my feelings but! with the disclosure that I'm still relatively new to this whole thing, and am by no means an expert I can offer a little insight to some of the stuff but I'll be brief. (Other Therian folks who are following me feel free to reblog and add your own insight for anon I wont mind at all!)
My realization definitely stemmed a lot in part I believe from not only my own journey and struggle with my Trans identity which had its own ups and downs, how even after feeling comfortable in a certain gender expression and identity there was still some itching piece that was not falling into place. Because while I felt very happy with being a "woman of my own making" (pat on my back because that was my rawest line from my own gender journey while i was working my ass off in a warehouse talking to my wife on the sly on my earbuds) I knew something else was there nagging at me beyond being a Non Binary Trans Woman.
With having Autism there is already that feeling of out of place that you get with being separate from society and its standards as a whole and at first a lot of my feelings on non-humanism I chalked up to the dehumanizing that autistic folks face as part of society expecting us to mold to the standards they practice and demand so it went left unexplored for some time because I just figured "yeah I'm autistic of course I feel out of place in 'normal' society" (again the language here not implying its wrong to be me or autistic obviously) But once around friends and people I trusted who didn't other me for my transness or my autism that itch still persisted.
My being a furry helped me explore more animal mannerisms and behaviors just out of the fact that its furry community we get sillay. But the more I acted on certain things (barking, meowing, various other noises) as well as more referential to myself not as a human but as a Dragon, Bear, Dog etc just a change of language as part of the fun I started noticing those same warm feelings as I did when I started new pronouns or names, the social feelings of being referred to with things that otherwise I wouldn't normally experience. My fascination with nature, my love of the outdoors beyond just the joy of fresh air the actual genuine peace that I'd feel in the woods away from society as a large, listening to all the other animals in the trees feeling the sun and wind on my face how it deeply went into me in some spot inside me that I never really knew was there at least never knew how to acknowledge how it felt like each breath filled my body with this new life I hadn't known.
My wife knew she was Therian first, and through her I explored myself and began to realize that I probably was too. With insight from other pals who also were Therian and just a general fact that I am not afraid to just sit down and look myself in the mirror in a sense and unpack shit when I need to I really just had this sudden explosion of "oh wow this is what it was, this is that itchy piece" I am beyond happy with where the journey has already taken me and I do not feel shame to be that which I am. My wife, my friends, plenty of people around me encouraged, nurtured, and embraced who I was.
So now yeah, my wife and I spend a lot of time speaking with body language and make little barks and reh's and howls and noises at each other instead of words because its freeing to be able to talk with your body and eyes and be understood, especially with autism, being able to be non verbal but still communicate brought such peace and joy. Being able to escape life in society and build a bedroom den and hang vines up in our bathroom and build our own burrow with moss and leaves and just curl up and feel cozy and safe is so comforting and warm.
I know its not a thing everyone gets, and I know its a stigma because "you are bound by your flesh" but much like being trans the flesh is only a small part of what makes us, Us and our soul is much brighter and deeper than anything that our exterior can show. So I may be constrained by limited avenues of external physical expression but that shouldn't stop me from letting my soul soar and be as bright and passionate as it can be.
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devine-star · 2 years
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*hears someone accepting eddie munson smut* *crawls out from the floorboards like some kind of demon monster*
eddie x male/mtf smut featuring overstimulation or orgasm denial i beg of you 🧎🏻
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Eddie Munson x FTM!Reader
Warnings: Use of the T-slur (I am trans myself so, I feel okay using it), SMUT! Overstimulation, descriptions of fem genitals, bullying, use of weed and alcohol, dirty talk, spanking, choking, reader receiving oral. 
Note: All other names besides Eddie and Y/n are fake! 
Y/n stood at the entrance to the gym, his heart pounding. 
'You can do this...' he pep talked himself up for roughly five minutes before pulling the doors open. All the girls truned to look in his direction and stopped whatever routine they were practing, staring at Y/n HARD.
He tried his best to act natural as he set down his gym bag calling out a small 'Hey girls!' Listening as his voice echoed back at him. 
"L/n!" The coach yelled angrily stomping her way over to the person in question. 
"Y-Yeah?" He stood up straight facing the red faced brunette. 
"What happened to your hair!" Y/n reached up to touch his hair for a moment, he had cut it short; REAL short. 
"I-uh..." The girls gathered around and began talking while pointing and giggling in his direction. "I cut it." The coach rolled her eyes before crossing her arms "I can see that! Why?!" But before Y/n could open his mouth to reply one of the girls behind the two yelled out "You look like a boy!" Causing laughter to fill the gym and bounce back into Y/n's ears.
The coached calmed the girls down before turning back to Y/n who had tears of embaressment falling down his face "You think you're a boy don't you?" The venom in the coaches voice was enough to kill a full grown man. 
Y/n flinched before nodding slowly. 
Rolling her eyes saying "I will-" the coach reached over to snatch the uniform that Y/n was holding in his hands causing him to jump in fear "NOT! Have a-a....TRANNY! On my cheerleading team! Get out!" She pointed to the door. 
Y/n followed the given instructions, running out of the gym with tears streaming down his face.
Ever since that day, Y/n's reputation was ruined. He felt like he did the wrong thing by coming out but he also felt better! His parents didn't mind it; his father even joking saying he always wanted a son. 
But at school? Y/n was tortured. Almost everyday he'd get split balls thrown his way or even smelly shit stuffed into his locker with the slur he hated so much. 
One day he even came to school and in big bold black marker "Tranny" Was scrolled across his locker; he felt hopeless. 
The only people that didn't treat him like shit was his small group of friends he made; they even invited him to their D&D nights! It was awesome! 
But there was one person in that group that stood out to him, Eddie Munson. Now, Eddie has ALWAYS stood out to Y/n. 
His style of clothing and music were interesting. He was known as the 'Freak'. 
Y/n never had a chance to get close to him due to his popular status as a cheerleader but now that he was a little nobody, he was finally growing closer to Eddie. 
Eddie was there when Y/n tried weed for the first time; babysat Y/n as he felt the room spinning around him almost vomiting on himself multiple times. After that night, Eddie never really let Y/n smoke as much as he did then. 
Eddie was also there when Y/n tried alcohol for the first time. Once again being the mans babysitter as he tried to run off from the bonfire party they were at; even helped him with his hangover the next day! 
All these things made Y/n's heart skip a beat. The cute little moments when Y/n would watch Eddie getting lost in his music, softly humming along to whatever song he was playing. Whenever Eddie would go on drunken rants about how 'People in this town wouldn't know good music if it punched them in the face!' 
Little did Y/n know, Eddie had his own moments like that. 
The night that Y/n got too high, sure Eddie was scared but at the same time he found the cute little giggles that Y/n would let out every now and then from the buzzed feeling would make his face warm up quickly. 
Or even the night at the bonfire party when Eddie ran after Y/n into the forest. The two tripped over the same log in the dark and ended up rolling down a hill of grass; hearing the loud and happy laughter of a drunken Y/n sobered Eddie up really quick as he watched his new found friend roll in the grass babbling about how Eddie had grass in his hair. 
Everything little quirk that Y/n had, Eddie found endearing. To the way his nose would sometimes schrunch up when he laughed or the way he would slap Eddie on the shoulder if he said something a bit too graphic during a joking session.
The two were falling for each other quickly but didn't quite notice it yet. 
But for now, the two men were laying in Eddie's bed passing a blunt back and forth while they ranted about how stupid Y/n's old friends are. 
"And dude! I didn't even notice how much of a DICK Daniel is until now!" Turning to look at Y/n Eddie smiled "Yeah?" Y/n nodded passing the blunt back to him. 
"Yeah! The dude would harrass me 24 fucking 7! Constantly asking for my number and wanting a date like dude!" Y/n laughed shaking his head. 
"I did hear his friends were fucking with him after you came out," Eddie mumbled taking the blunt between his lips before inhaling deeply. "People were calling him gay," Releasing the smoke Eddie chuckled to himself. 
"Yeah well, I know for a FACT that he is at LEAST bisexual." Eddie turned to look at Y/n with raised eyebrows "He got caught by the coach making out with-Get this-Markus!" Eddie sat up quickly with a look of shock "Markus?!" Y/n nodded. 
"As in...'best baseball player of Hawkin's high' Markus?" Y/n couldn't help the laugh that bubbled up his throat "Yes!" Eddie shook his head as his own laugh mixed with Y/n's; sounding the a symphony to his hear as it always did. 
Snubbing out the blunt after Y/n denied wanting anymore, the two laid in bed again. This time in comfortable silence as they enjoyed their combined highs. 
Y/n slowly turned to look at Eddie as he stared up at the ceiling; his face flushing as he stared. 
Admiring the way Eddie's nose curved and the way his jaw looked at this angle, Y/n wanted nothing more than to reach out and touch the scruff that was growing on Eddie's jaw. The thought of kissing along Eddie's jaw, feeling the scruff against his lips and cheek as he went flashed across Y/n's mind; deepening the flushed color on his cheeks. 
More dirty thoughts came flooding into Y/n's mind as if a dam was just broken releasing gallons of water onto an unsuspecting town. 
Thoughts of how it would feel to have that scruffy jaw rubbing against Y/n's inner thighs, how it would feel to grip Eddie's hair as Y/n rode his face, or even how it would feel to have Eddie's ringed fingers wrapping around Y/n's throat as he- 
"Y/n?" Jumping as if he'd just been shot Y/n stuttered out "Huh?! Uh-y-yeah?" Eddie was now facing him, a look in his eyes that Y/n couldn't quite nail. 
"You okay?" Y/n nodded quickly chuckling nervously "Ye-Yeah! I'm....I'm good," Eddie chuckled, noticing that Y/n's body language had changed. 
"You were...just staring at me," Eddie glanced down towards Y/n's legs smirking as he added "And rubbing your thighs together," 
Groaning while covering his face Y/n listened as Eddie began laughing "Weed got you horny huh?" Smacking Eddie on the chest groaning "Oh my Gooood!" While laughing Y/n sat up, crossing his legs together. 
"It's nothing to be embarassed about! Weed does that to me too sometimes," Glancing over his shoulder Y/n took in Eddie's relaxed form. 
Arms behind his head, chest rising and falling slowly, his white t-shirt raised up a bit revealing his happy trail, and the sweatpants that hung on his hips; Eddie has never looked more attractive than he did right now. 
Catching Y/n's eye, Eddie smirked up at him "Like whatcha see?" Y/n nodded dumbly as he stared almost star struck. 
With his heart beating loudly in his ears Eddie decided to take a chance; this could end really well or really bad. 
"I can gurentee I taste a lot better than I look," 
Y/n seemed to move without his brain telling him as he climbed across Eddie's body to smash his lips into the other's. Eddie gasped sitting up slightly wrapping his arms around Y/n's waist pulling him closer while Y/n's hands got lost in Eddie's curls.
Small whines slipped from each man's throat as the kiss began to get more heated, teeth knocking against each other and tongues mixing; neither really cared. 
Y/n moved his lips across Eddie's jaw, finally feeling the scuff against his face relishing at how it felt. 
"Oh fuck..." Eddie gasps as Y/n began biting and sucking deep marks into his neck as his breath became quicker; allowing his hands to roam. 
Y/n's hand slid under Eddie's shirt before pulling away to gently tug on the hem of it "Is this okay?" Eddie smiled at him for a moment before nodding "It's more than okay," 
Eddie's shirt was discarded along with Y/n's. 
Y/n's movements stopped when Eddie's hands ghosted over the ace bandages around his chest "You said you wouldn't bind this way anymore..." he mumbles "It's dangerous," Y/n blushed looking down nodding a bit. 
"Then take it off for me," 
Groaning Eddie quickly unclipped the clasp to the ace bandages before unraveling the wrap, tossing it to join their shirts on the floor. He then stopped as his hands overed over Y/n's chest looking up at him for permission. 
Y/n bit his lip for a moment before nodding slowly; he may hate his chest but his need to feel Eddie's mouth on him won over that part of his mind pretty quickly. 
A small hum was what Eddie heard as he gently grasped at Y/n's chest. Sitting up Eddie took one of Y/n's nipples into his mouth swirling his tongue around it enjoying the moan he was rewarded with. 
Eddie himself moaned as Y/n's began grinding his hips down on his "Shit Eds..." Eddie gripped Y/n's waist helping him get a good rythem; rocking Y/n's hip back and forth giving them both the friction they so desperatly needed. 
Pulling away Eddie slowly stopped Y/n's hips watching as the other man looked at him confused "I need you to tell me you actually want this, and that isn't just because you're stoned." Y/n gulped as he nodded his head frantically. 
"I need this....I need this so bad Eds," The desperation in Y/n's voiced made Eddie's cock twitch in his pants. Wrapping his arms around Y/n once against before flipping the cards so now Eddie was leaning over Y/n he smirked "I'm glad I'm not the only one," 
Smashing their lips together once again while sliding his hand down Y/n's body to his jeans. With shaking hands Eddie popped the button open undoing the zipper. Y/n gasped as he felt Eddie's hands slid into his boxer breifs to slowly rub circles on his clit. 
Leaning his head back while his hips bucked slightly, Eddie watched and enjoyed the faces and noises Y/n was making. 
"Fuck baby, keep making those noises," Eddie quickly taking Y/n's pants off. Moving so he was between Y/n's thighs "Gonna make you feel so good," he mumbles pressing open mouthed kisses to Y/n's inner thighs. Lifting his head to watch as Eddie teased a bit by licking one long stripe along Y/n's inner thigh.  "Don't tease me now baby," Chuckling as Y/n's pushed his hips towards Eddie's face; Eddie quickly began his work. 
Taking Y/n into his mouth and swirling his tongue quickly "Oh-Oh fuck!" Y/n moaned loudly reached his hands down to grip Eddie's head, pushing him closer to his body as his hips rolled into Eddie's mouth. "That's it baby," Y/n panted.
 Y/n's moaned spurred Eddie on as his slid on finger inside, curling it quickly to hear Y/n's moans and whines go up an octive; loving the feeling of Y/n pulling on his hair.
"Shit!" 
All the sounds Y/n was making was going straight to Eddie's dick in his pants, needing some sort of stimulation Eddie began grinding against the mattress.
 The movement of Eddie's hips caught Y/n's eye, he smirked looking down at the man between his legs before panting out "You gettin off to this?"
Eddie looked up through his lashes before nodding slighty "Such a dirty boy you are," Y/n said jokingly but raised his eyebrows as Eddie's head pulled away from him to moan loudly while roughly grinding against the matress harder. 
"Didn't know you were into that Eddie," Y/n leaned back as Eddie slowly stood licking his lips clean before pulling his sweatpants down "Uh...I didn't either honestly," He blushed moving to grab a condom from his desk drawer. Eddie slowly rolled the condom on, moaning softly while stroking himself. 
Y/n blushed watching the dirty scene in front of him. Never in a million years would he have thought THIS would happen but man was he glad it was.
"You just gonna stand there?" Eddie laughed a bit "I could," He shrugged. 
"I could also go home and finish the job myself," Y/n teased back watching as Eddie quickly shook his head crawling back onto the bed. 
"Don't you fucking dare," Laughing a bit Y/n allowed Eddie to pull his legs upwards, letting his calves rest on Eddie's shoulders. The two were silent until Eddie lined up and pushed himself inside of Y/n, closing his eyes and whining about how tight Y/n felt around him. 
Leaning down so his full weight was on his hands; allowing Y/n's legs to fall on either side of him Eddie slowly began thrusting. Watching himself disapear inside of Y/n for a moment before looking up at the man he has come to love. "I-Oh shit," Eddie moaned speeding himself up.
 "I..I''ve wanted this for a while," he admitted watching as Y/n nodded with his face contorted; mouth open and eyes clenched shut tightly. "Oh god, don't stop Eds! Pleaseee" Y/n whined gripping onto Eddie's bicepes tightly. 
"I won't baby," Leaning down Eddie began sucking on Y/n's neck, groaning into it a few times before mumbling "Want everyone to know you're spoken for," His speed increasing along with Y/n's volume in moaning. 
"I-I'm yours baby!" Y/n called out desperately.
 "Fuck Y/n...Oh shit," Eddie whines burying his neck into Y/n's collarbone "More dirty talk...please!" 
Y/n blushed moving his hands onto Eddie's back as he began spouting off whatever came to his mind "You've thought about doing this havent you?" Eddie nodded slightly. 
"Thought about using me to get off huh? Such a dirty boy, thinking of your friend like that," Eddie whines repeating what Y/n had just said "I'm a dirty boy..."
 "Guess that makes me a dirty boy too cause-AH!- I've thought of this too," Y/n admitted. Eddie groaned giving a few particularly hard thrusts before practically begging "What did you do? Please tell me..." 
Taking a deep, yet stuttered breath, Y/n softly spoke "Used one of your shirts to jerk off," Eddie's moans went up in an octive at the vision of Y/n grinding against one of his shirts popped into his head.
 "Even...jerked off here before when you did a beer run, smelling your hoodie as I did it," "Fuck! Y/n!" Eddie groaned loudly, fulling losing himself in the feeling moving back to grip Y/n's hips as he pistioned his hips quickly while angling Y/n's hips. 
"Oh fuck! Eddie there please!" Y/n's train of thought was cut off as he felt the new angle Eddie was fucking him in. 
The only thing on Eddie's mind right now was how good Y/n felt around him and the dirty images in his brain; he wanted to make Y/n feel so good. Reaching down between their bodies Eddie began quickly rubbing Y/n's clit mumbling to himself "Need to feel you cum around me...need it," 
Y/n arched his back reaching down for Eddie's other hand, linking their fingers together as he felt his orgasm coming like a fraight train. 
No words were able to come from Y/n as he felt himself tip over the edge into pure bliss. Stars coming across his vision as his eyes rolled back; a strangle moan like yell ripped from his throat. 
This spured Eddie on further, feeling Y/n tighten around him and the feeling of his pussy pusling. Eddie needed to feel it again. "Eds...I-" Y/n gasped as Eddie gripped either side of his throat "Gonna make you cum one more time baby boy, need to feel you cum again please" 
Y/n couldn't help but moan and agree; he too wanting more. 
Pulling out quickly Eddie flipped Y/n onto his stomach pulling his ass into the air before slipping back in. Y/n screamed in pleasure at this new angle, dropping his head onto the pillow as Eddie gripped his hair tightly in a fist. 
"Holy Fuck!" Eddie felt himself close to cumming but something in his brain held him off, he needed to feel Y/n cum one more time; show him how much he wanted nothing but Y/n's pleasure. 
Once again Eddie reached around and began toying with Y/n's clit, enjoying the broken moans and sobs that slipped from his lips. "That's right baby, cry for me," Eddie mumbled looking down at Y/n's face as he sobbed in pure pleasure. 
"No one could ever fuck you better than me huh?" Eddie rambled smirking as Y/n called out a confirmation. "Not even Daniel could make you feel this good huh babyboy?" 
Y/n's legs began shaking as overstimulation was setting in but damn it this feel too good to stop. Eddie reached a hand back bringing down onto Y/n's ass, enjoying the jolt he got from the man below him; doing it a few more times until Y/n cried out cumming for a second time. 
Watching Y/n's body give out along with feeling him clench tightly for a second time was enough to push Eddie over the edge. Groaning loudly he stilled inside of Y/n grunting softly and whining as he came harder than he has ever before. 
Y/n whined as the feeling of Eddie pulling out was painful; his head spinning not even noticing Eddie leave the room on shakey legs. When Eddie return he had a glass of water, a snack, and a warm rag. 
"Shh, I know baby. I gotta clean you up," Eddie calmed Y/n's whines as he gently cleaned him before tossing the rag to the floor to be picked up the next day. Crawling into the bed Eddie pulled Y/n into his arms bringin the glass of water to his mouth "Open," Y/n listened drinking half the glass before laying his head back onto Eddie chest sighing softly. 
"Want this now or later?" Eddie voice was soft and full of love as he held up the little pack of cookies. "Later," Y/n rasped closing his eyes listening to Eddie's heartbeat. "Okay baby, sleep for now," Pressing a kiss to Y/n's forehead Eddie then whispered "I love you,"Y/n smiled sleepily "I love you too Eds," 
710 notes · View notes
pickledpascal · 3 months
Text
Long Story Short, It Was a Bad Time
Pairing: Dean Winchester x Castiel
Warnings: transphobia, homophobia, horrible parent john winchester, homophobic language, implied past prostitution, based on 14x13, angst with a happy-ish ending
A/N: in this, dean is trans and visually looks similar to another of jensen's characters, beau arlen.
Word Count: 4.8k
Jensen Ackles Masterlist
Dean Winchester had known he was a boy since he could talk. Hell, before he could talk. 
He wasn't aware he wasn't a boy until after his mother died and every single teacher in every single town they went to called him a girl and separated him into the girls' lines instead of the boys. It got increasingly mind-numbing as he entered his pre-teen years. His first period came around and his dad wasn't sure what to do. Pads were one of the most expensive supplies he had to buy and he never failed to make Dean feel bad about it at every turn. 
“Suck it up, Deanna.” 
“Don't go tellin’ anyone I don't do anything for you, Deanna.” 
“You better clean the garbage out when I get home, Deanna. I don't wanna see that.” 
The name itched him like a bad rash. Made him want to scream. But all he could do was cry. After John was gone and Sammy was asleep. 
His boobs were growing in and everything about his body felt wrong. He was glad he was naturally tall and that he was able to gain more muscle the more John let him go on hunts but it wasn't the same. His shoulders weren't as broad as the other guys in his class, his hips jutted out too much for his liking, and he hated his long hair. 
Dean cut it on his sixteenth birthday and told his father it was under the guise of wanting to be safe. Unpullable hair meant one less thing he had to worry about when it came to monsters. John looked at him suspiciously. He must have known. But he didn't blow up like Dean expected him to. That made the wrenching feeling in his gut twist more. There had to be a catch. 
He came out two weeks after that.
“Thank God.” Dean blinked at the reaction. “I thought I was gonna have a dyke of a daughter. Now, I have another son. You going by another name?” 
Dean wanted to throw up. Somehow, that made everything worse. His father would rather have a son than a lesbian daughter? He didn't want to think about the fact that he still liked boys just not as much as girls. 
He had a few mishaps, he'd look at a few guys as he passed them with John at his side. Dean didn't think too much of it since nothing came of it. Why would John punish him for something as simple as a glance? 
Then his seventeenth birthday came.
Dean's first hunt by himself, specifically curated by his father. He watched the fire in the hole he dug earlier with his hands pushed into the pockets of his jacket. The two bodies were as intertwined as they could be for rotting skeletons. 
The heat was nice. But bittersweet. He was close enough that it could burn him. Dean would've loved to burn to a crisp as well but he had a brother to protect. 
Dean swallowed thickly and gathered up his supplies.
Message heard loud and clear, Dad.
Dean's top surgery was one of the things he remembered the most about his more medical transition. He couldn't get testosterone as much as he wanted to with forged signatures and documents but Bobby offered something else. 
So Dean was laid down on a steel examination table asleep on some anesthetic Bobby was able to get off the black market. Bobby didn't have much experience being a surgeon so it wasn't the best but it was as sterile and safe as it could be. But Dean couldn't have been happier. His chest was flat. That's what he cared about. Even if he had to be at Bobby's for weeks. He was just glad Sam was there too instead of having to leave him alone with John. 
Time passed. Dean leaned hard into his masculinity after John died. A little too hard. 
“You are way out of my brother’s league.”
“Guess how many of these cheerleaders are legal.”
“She's a bitch.”
“Fucking bitch!”
“Bitch!”
Part of it was his frustration with nearly being killed every day of his life, not even by monsters, the other part was the things John beat into him at a young age. If Dean wanted to be a man, he had to be one at John's discretion. He had to like girls but not enough to actually settle down with one. He had to look out for Sam even if that meant he would die. 
So he did. 
Made a deal. Went to hell. 
Except he didn't expect to come back. 
That gas station would forever stay in his mind. He walked for hours to find it. His whole body felt a little different. Jumbled around but he could tell his body was still his. He immediately went for the water bottles and broke the seal, downing it in one go. 
Dean caught a glimpse of a mirror out of the corner of his eye. He walked up to it and licked at his bottom lip, staring at himself. He noticed his sharper jaw decorated with stubble, his hair seemed to be less chopped, his shoulders more broad, and… he had bowlegs? He looked down and then back up. 
Intrigued, he lifted his shirt. His lips dropped open. The scars under his pecs were still there but they were different, no longer botched and scary-looking, but smooth. And his chest. It wasn't completely flat like it was before. His pecs looked more natural, protruding a bit. Like a “real” man. Dean let his shirt drop as he breathed. The handprint on his arm was there too and, for a moment, he knew something cosmic had to be the reason for this, but something inside him felt so happy. Giddy. 
He snuck a peak under his jeans. And, yeah, no he still didn't have a dick but he didn't particularly care about that anyway. One of the only things about his body that didn't matter as much. Well, at least now he felt comfortable in himself even if it came at a price. 
Over and over again. He was reminded of what he “really” was. 
“Daddy's blunt little instrument.”
“Daddy's little girl.” 
Hell, half of it came from himself. As a joke. Not one he particularly wanted to be true.
“I've been re-hymenated.” 
“Ever since I was a little girl.”
“You got anything that’s real?” “My boobs.”
As Dean grew older, he started to shed those kinds of ideals. Not only did it get too heavy to bear but he started not to care anymore. John was dead. Mary was dead. Who did he have to impress? So he didn't mind talking about the fact he didn't have a dick and indulging himself on some things that may be seen as feminine. Like a few satin panties tucked into the bottom of his drawer or the few times he painted his nails—it never lasted long when he went on a hunt. 
Although Dean still thought of his body as a tool, something he could use against their adversaries, it was a little easier to live in when he was in control of what he could do to it. When it was the kind of body he always wanted. So he got more tattoos to cover his body—they were mostly covered by his layers of denim and flannel except for one that creeped onto the side of his neck—his nipples got pierced and he nearly forgot he actually had nerve endings there when it happened, he grew out his hair a bit—not nearly as long as Sam’s but enough that he could style it better—he started wearing earrings and rings again. Not many and usually not during hunts because he had a feeling any monster, or human for that matter, would take advantage of it and tear his ear in half.
Sam and Castiel didn't mention it. Ever. And Dean wasn't sure if he should be grateful for it or not. 
“Why did you…” Dean breathed, glancing up at Castiel. He didn't want to finish the rest of his question. It was right after Mary came back and she had locked herself in some random room in the bunker to process something. 
Dean was no longer her beautiful, young four-year-old daughter Deanna. He was a grown man with shorter hair, a sharp jaw, and stubble. He knew it would be a shock for anyone, especially someone dead for so long but he didn't expect it to reopen a wound he thought had healed years ago. People had only ever thought of Dean as Dean. A man. 
Even the very few women he got with after transitioning still thought of him as a man afterward. 
Castiel’s eyes softened at Dean. He could sense the turmoil inside his head. “I was given liberty to rebuild you in the way I thought would prepare you for Micheal,” He admitted softly. He could see Dean was holding in a breath. “I decided to give you the body you wanted. The one you deserved. I had never seen a soul shine as bright as yours as you looked at my handiwork in that gas station. I knew then, I made the right decision.”
Dean's cheeks flared with blush, averting his gaze to look at anywhere but Castiel. He never quite thought about him being there, watching him admire himself. He knew that was Cas, of course, he did, but to Dean, it wasn't Cas just yet. The Cas he knew was so different from that grinding, high-pitched noise he remembered hearing.
The Cas he knew was safe. His best friend. The closest thing to family he had beside Sam. He was able to be open with Cas in a different way than Sam. 
More and more shit came and went. More and more apocalypses. But Castiel was a constant. Even if he died a few times. Even if he left a few times. He usually came back. Dean wanted him to stay. For good. But even if he was more open with being a transgender guy and liking girls and guys, he still wasn't that open about his feelings. His more complicated feelings. 
“Sam? Deanna?”
That fucking pearl. 
The sight of his father. That's not what Dean wanted. That wasn't his deepest desire. Hell, he didn't even know what his deepest desire was. And that name. He hadn't heard that name in years. Mary caught on quickly that Dean was Dean and that was it. But, of course, his father wouldn't. Even if he liked having Dean as a son more than a daughter. 
That fucking pearl was supposed to get Micheal the fuck out of his head and kill him for good measure. Instead, it brought him the one thing Dean hated more than anything in his life.
On autopilot, Dean locked himself in his room. He nearly fell to his knees but he braced himself on the wall and had half a mind to punch a hole in it. He winced as that banging in his mind got louder. Micheal screamed. Dean slid down the wall and pushed his hands into his hair. His breathing was harbored and he felt suffocated as if something was weighing down his chest.i
Why did that pearl do that? Dean was happy without him. As happy as he could be with an archangel in his head and tonnes of baggage. 
A soft knock brought Dean back to reality. Cas. He pushed himself off the ground and opened the door. 
“Sam told me about your father,” His tone was deathly serious. Dean hadn't heard Castiel sound like that in a while. He was grateful for it. “Would you like me to smite him?”
Dean swallowed. The offer was tempting. “Jesus, Cas, no. I—” Want him gone. Dead. Obliterated. Erased from his memories. Back in Hell. Gone from Heaven. Tortured to be forgotten. “I need you. Here. With me.” His shoulders slumped after the admission. 
“Of course, Dean. Whatever you need.” Castiel's voice softened as his eyes did as well. It was so truthful, said with such fondness Dean nearly cried. 
Dean sat at the end of his bed and motioned for Castiel to do the same. The angel obliged. He knew there was this thing between them. Obvious enough Sam started to call him out on it, never in front of Cas to save him from the embarrassment, but it was always on his mind when they were alone together. He wasn't sure what to do with it. All his feelings. Everything was so complex. Yet simple. It was a strange dichotomy. One he wasn't sure he wanted to admit out loud. 
But the fact that Castiel had only ever seen Dean as a man helped. Drove it into his thick skull what this thing was. Love. Castiel spoke to him so reverently. Spoke his name like a prayer. One Dean desperately wanted to hear over and over again. 
“Hello, Dean.” 
“Of course, Dean.” 
“Good things do happen, Dean.”
“This is a good thing, Dean.”
“He called me Deanna,” Dean admitted softly, eyes focused on his boots. He was naturally tall, even before resurrected by Cas, but the boots gave him an extra inch or so to not look as small next to Sam. He could feel how tense Castiel was after his words. “It's… funny,” He let out a dry laugh, “For years, I've been fine. Been good in that area. But that's just—” Dean took a sharp breath. “People see me as a guy now. At least, they do until they get in my pants. But Dad—John, I fucking look like this,” He gestured to himself, “And he calls me Deanna? Fuck me.” He scoffed. 
For a second, he had a feeling John only humored him when he was younger. Called him Dean, got him a binder before his surgery, just because it was easier. If Dean became a man then he wouldn't look as much like Mary anymore and then maybe he wouldn't see her in his eyes or his face. 
But John still did. This was proof of that. 
“Your father, for lack of a better term, is a bitch.” Castiel said shamelessly. “You are so much more than a man born in the wrong body. It's a shame your father is too blind to see that.”
Dean's breath caught in his throat. And then he laughed. Hard. Hard enough his lungs started hurting and he had to gasp for air. Hard enough that tears started to form at the edges of his eyes and a few even rolled down his cheeks. He didn't register his hand on Castiel's thigh until he set his hand on top of it. 
Dean pulled it away. Or tried. Castiel held it in place. “Your soul…” He murmured. “It shines so bright when you laugh.” 
His voice. So soft and reassuring. Dean screwed his eyes shut. He couldn't help the fluttering in his chest. For the first time in a while, Micheal was silent. It was just him and Cas in the middle of his bed. Safe. Outside his room might be different. 
Dean's eyes lifted to meet Castiel's. They were a brilliant shade of blue he couldn't quite place. Nothing matched it. Sure, he could compare them to the ocean or perhaps the sky but even those didn't come close. Without thinking too hard, Dean let himself go. 
His free hand pulled Castiel close as he brought their lips together. The surprised noise the angel made was cute and Dean could feel him melting into the kiss. Castiel's lips were chapped, Dean chalked it up to him not caring for his vessel much, but everything felt so right. Their fingers intertwined while Cas threaded his free hand through Dean's hair. 
A cough. And suddenly Dean and Cas jumped away from each other. It was Sam. Dean took a breath, thankful that it was Sam and not John. Sam smirked as his eyes flickered between the two men but it was quickly wiped off his face. “Mom and Dad… they want to have dinner together.” He explained, focusing on Dean. 
There was still a lot Dean didn't tell Mary about John. About their life before the Men of Letters bunker. What Dean did to survive, to make sure Sam could live as comfortably as possible, to put food on the table and get a bed to sleep on, even while John was still alive. Bathrooms in gas stations on his knees, in the back of bars, dingy motel rooms. 
John never asked where the money came from, he took it anyway. 
If Mary knew, Dean knew she would look at John in a different light. A part of him didn't want to tarnish that for her. Even though it took some adjusting, she had accepted Dean wholeheartedly. Hell, she only messed up on his pronouns a few times, that was a lot better than when Sam first found out. 
“Dean, do you want…?” Sam didn't finish his sentence. He didn't know the full extent of what John did to him but he knew Dean intentionally took the brunt of the abuse for Sam. And he could never take that back. “He's asking about you. Saying you—you finally look like a man. Wondered what kind of work you had done. Thinks you're…” Sam wasn't trying to guilt trip Dean, quite the opposite. “Thinks you get a lot of girls. Asked if you had a wife or something. Asked if you,” He coughed, “Got a dick yet.” 
Dean’s fist clenched as his face contorted into disgust. Out of the corner of his eye, he could feel Castiel getting frustrated as well. 
Screwing his eyes shut, Michael crept up in his mind again. The screams. The banging. It came back tenfold. “What does he even want? For us to be fucking normal?” Dean huffed.
“Yeah,” Sam said simply. “Dad… he's from 2003. That's what he does best. Act normal when nothing is.” He smiled sadly. 
Dean stood up from the bed and rolled up the sleeves to his flannel shirt. He wouldn't—couldn’t—let his father undo everything he had ever built in the last fourteen years of his life. The small little family he made. Sam, him, Mary, Cas, Jack, and Claire. That was his family. Not John. 
Castiel looked at Dean, concerned. “Are you sure, Dean?” He could see that little boy inside him, still scared of what his father could do to him. But he could also see the grown man he came to be, unafraid of his father because he could likely overpower him now. 
Before he could think about it too hard, Dean nodded. “C'mon, sunshine. I'm not letting him fuck with my head again.” His leg bounced slightly. Not from nerves. 
Dean, Sam, and Cas made their way into the war room where John and Mary sat at the map table. John’s head lifted to look at Dean. Fully look at him. Take in his new appearance. When he appeared, Dean didn't stay long enough for John to get a good look at what he had become. The last time he'd seen Dean, he was twenty-five, wore too big clothes, had a skinner frame, and his hair was short and was never styled. This Dean… was not that.
He grew into his height, broad shoulders, visible muscles under his flannel—John would have never guessed Dean was born a girl. That he was his daughter. 
“Deanna.” John breathed. 
“Dean.” The man corrected. “You're… here.” He wished he wasn't. 
John’s eyes narrowed momentarily. Normally, he would've slapped him for something like that but he wasn't stupid. This Dean had a few pounds on him. “I am. Sam and your mom caught me up on everything that went down,” His eyes shifted to land on Castiel. “That the angel that pulled you out of Hell?” 
“Hello, John.” Castiel greeted, void of any emotion. Dean glanced at him. He knew the angel inside and out and he knew Castiel was getting increasingly annoyed simply being in John's presence. 
Mary sensed the tension between them and coughed. “I was thinking we could have Winchester Surprise?” She suggested softly—ever the peacemaker. 
Dean cocked an eyebrow at his mother. He knew Mary was desperate to have John, they didn't have much time together and she was still very much in love, but no one else wanted him there. Dean didn't and neither did Sam and Castiel was so close to stomping John into a curb. 
“I'm not sure that's a good idea, Mom.” Dean finally said. As much as he wanted to protect her from the real John, the one who was hiding behind a loving façade, he had to break the news to her. There must always come a time when the veil gets taken away from someone’s eyes, showing them the truth.
John tilted his head and Dean couldn't help but feel it was condescending. “Why not? We're all family here. We can be normal for a night,” He stared at Dean a little too hard. “As normal as we can be.”
“We were never normal,” Dean ground out. It took all his self-control not to just yell at him. Mary looked at Dean worriedly. She'd seen Dean mad, specifically at her, but nothing like this. His shoulders were tense and his nose was drawn into a snarl. 
“You–You don't get it. Never will. You suck for a father. I had to raise Sam myself. You'd fuck off to who knows where drunk half the time and make me, a four-year-old watch over a fucking baby. And you liked me better as a son than a girl who liked girls? What the fuck?” Yeah. Fuck that self-control. Dean’s jaw set in place. “Guess fucking what dad? I like girls and boys. And I could care fucking less what you think of—”
Dean's jaw throbbed. Surprise shivered down his spine. John flexed his hand as he stared down at Dean as he cupped his face.
“John!” Mary yelled.
Castiel nearly jumped John before Dean did. With a single right hook, John was out cold on the floor. He flapped his hand afterward, feeling the soreness immediately. It had been a while since Dean had to punch someone, usually, he had a gun or knife when fighting, he was a little surprised at how effective it was. 
“Dean!” Mary huffed as she went to John's side.
Dean bit the inside of his cheek. He decided he might as well come out with it. “Fuck him, Mom. He was never my father. He never tried to be. I was the only person who watched over Sam. A tool in his life while he was dead-set on revenge. We could have been normal. If he never went on a rampage.” He looked down at the pitiful heap that was his father with disgust. He glanced at Castiel over his shoulder. 
Mary shook her head, trying to reason with Dean. “We're a family. We don't give up on family.” She whispered. 
“Sometimes you do,” Dean huffed softly. As much as he and Sam fought, as many times as they took turns dying, it never got so bad that Dean thought he hated him. At least, not for more than a day or so. “I'm good with who I am. Dad isn't. I don't want him in my life. I don't think I ever had but… this is my life now. I get to live it. Meaning I get to choose who's in it,” He swallowed thickly, knowing what he was about to admit. “In ten years time, it's not with him. Never was.” 
“Dean, you don't mean that.” Mary sighed. Pleading. She wanted to keep John, make up for lost time.
Sam took a step forward. “Mom, you don't get it either. The shit John put Dean through—put both of us through—no kid should have to go through that.”
Mary huffed, “Then tell me. You can't just expect me to know.” 
Castiel stared at her. “Your sons don't have to say anything they are uncomfortable admitting.” He said it as if he was stating the weather forecast. 
Dean pursed his lips. Hurt. He knew Mary wouldn't understand but he didn't quite expect this. He turned on his heels and made his way back into his room. 
Eventually, everything was as it was. John was sent back after Sam destroyed the pearl and Dean could breathe a little more comfortably afterward. Mary shut herself off from them but he had a feeling that would get resolved as much as the gut-wrenching feeling in his stomach told him it wouldn't. He never wanted to see or think about John ever again. Hadn't wanted to for years after the shit he's gone through. 
Dean heard a knock on his door after he got ready for bed. Hell, he was halfway underneath the covers when it happened. He grumbled under his breath, not thinking to put on a shirt or a pair of pants as he opened the door.
“Hello, Dean,” Castiel said softly. As soft as each time before. Dean was suddenly very aware of how bare he was. “Do not be alarmed, it's nothing I haven't seen before.” The angel stepped inside his room, closing the door behind him. 
Castiel's words did nothing to ease Dean's beating heart. It felt like a hammer against his chest, wanting to tear itself out of him. 
Castiel’s eyes never wavered from his face, studying it as if it were a work of art. He lifted a hand to Dean's cheek. Dean felt as if the air was punched out of him. “I want to know if you're okay, Dean.” Those blue eyes—they never looked at him in pity, never. They looked at him with wonder and understanding. 
Dean didn't register the single tear that rolled down his cheek until Castiel's thumb wiped it away. “Not really, Cas.” He breathed. Admitting it didn't feel as bad as he thought it would. 
“Why—” Castiel took a breath, saddened by how destroyed Dean's eyes looked. “Why do you think the pearl… gave you John?” He asked softly as he and Dean sat on his bed. 
Dean glanced at the corner of his room, lip trembling with a mix of rage and sadness. “Maybe the pearl thought I wanted a Dad. Someone who could love me unconditionally. But I—” He paused sharply, eyes finding Castiel's all over again. He wanted to memorize his eyes as if it were the first time he saw them. Or the last. “I have you.” He breathed. For the first time, Dean hadn't been compelled to add Sam at the end of his sentence. 
“You do,” Castiel smiled. And, god, Dean's heart wrenched at the sight. Cas didn't smile, not often. “You always have.” 
Dean let out a shaky breath, leaning into Castiel's hand as it caressed his cheek. He sniffled slightly. “Cas, please…. Please promise me you'll stay. Even—Even if I push you away. You,” He was full-on crying now and Castiel was looking at him as if he was the most beautiful thing in the world. “You'll stay. No matter what.”
“I will.” Castiel whispered light as a feather. Two simple words but it was a promise that meant so much to Dean. 
It was a promise Castiel never intended to break. Why would he? Especially when Dean seemed so desperate. So distraught. He could never leave Dean. Not again. 
“Kiss me.” Dean whispered. Pleaded. He wanted to memorize everything about Cas. The strange body heat he gave off, the tilt of his head, how his lips pressed into a thin line when he was only minorly frustrated by Dean, the roughness of his stubble. Everything. 
For the first time, Dean saw a smirk grace Castiel's lips. “Whatever you want, Dean.” He brought their lips together with a sigh. 
They kissed for a while, pausing for breath in between kisses but they didn't go past that, ending up with Castiel in bed with Dean after he shed his trenchcoat, shoes, and tie. Dean dozed off, peaceful enough to fall asleep in Castiel's arms. 
Even with a fading grace, Castiel didn't sleep much. His body ran well enough on it that sleep wasn't needed. So he stayed up, playing with the hairs on Dean's neck as he watched over him, soothing him as much as possible when he sensed a nightmare coming on. 
“You think you're cursed sometimes Dean,” Castiel cooed on deaf ears but he didn't mind. He had to get it out. “That hate is the only thing that drives you. That you're not built for love. But you are. I think, sometimes—no, I know—that’s all you're made up of. And I–I promise we will find a better way,” Cas lifted his hand to Dean's shoulder, positioning it right above his scar. The scar he burned on his skin. “I love you, Dean.” He whispered into his ear.
For the rest of that night, Dean didn't have nightmares. For the rest of that night, he burrowed himself closer to Castiel. For the rest of that night, Michael was quiet.
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cbk1000 · 5 months
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Hi there!
Ive recently stumbled across your works, and I just wanted to say that I enjoy your writing soso much!! Each time i read any of ur pieces, i feel ever so blessed that i can read them for freee,,, ??like wow!! I absolutely love your characterization of arthur, and any piece of banter you write never fails to make me laugh!
Your writing style is so addictive, ive honestly found myself missing it when I read anything else. Because of this, id like to ask if you have any book recs? hehee anything that inspired that brain and writing of yours seems like it would be a worthwile read!! From ur alltime favs, or recent favs, comfort books, or books that gave u personal epiphanies, pls feel free to not hold back !! (If its not too much trouble)
And once again, thank you soso much for all your lovely works!! 💗
I LOVE talking about books, so thank you so much for this ask. This is a very truncated list of some of my favourite authors and books because if I wanted to talk about all of them, that would be a post as long as one of my fics.
First up is Terry Pratchett, who I came to rather late; I just started reading Discworld in 2020, despite @clonemaster-general and @jinxedwood telling me years earlier I should read him, so they should feel free to be smug about the fact that I ignored their sound advice for a long time and then went, "Ok, where do I sign up for the cult" after reading approximately one (1) Pratchett novel.
Discworld is a fantasy satire series that's over 40 books long, but those 40+ books simply take place in the same world and do not have to be read in order, although I would recommend reading any subseries featuring the same characters in order (the City Watch books starting with 'Guards! Guards', the Witches starting with ''Wyrd Sisters' etc.) Pratchett did write some non-Discworld books, although the bulk of his very large body of work is that series. He was a very gifted writer who was able to present the stupidity and injustices of humanity in a way that made you laugh and feel that it's bearable to live alongside these things. No other author has made me laugh so much at dumb little puns or dick jokes and then suddenly slapped me with a banger of a line about human nature.
'The Once and Future King' by T.H. White. A retelling of Malory's 'Le Morte d'Arthur'. It's silly, it's touching, it asks why humans go to war. If you're tired of relentless grimdark, this book shows you that a novel can explore serious themes and ask serious questions of its readers while also being a bit silly and stupid, because like suffering, silliness and stupidity is an intrinsic part of the human experience.
'The Left Hand of Darkness' by Ursula Le Guin. I could really just say, "All of Ursula Le Guin's stuff" because I've read several novels, a ton of her short stories, plus most of her essay collections and I've loved them all, but I wanted to mention this one particularly because Le Guin was examining our ideas of gender and society in the fucking 60s and I'm tired of hearing right-wing nutjobs bang on about trans people like they're some alien species newly landed on our planet to kidnap our children. Also, what I love about Le Guin's sci-fi is that she was concerned primarily with the culture of alien societies, not laser guns, and her world building is incredibly deep in that regard. Her father was an anthropologist, and you can see how his studies shaped her writing.
'The Lymond Chronicles' by Dorothy Dunnett. I love me a good swashbuckler, and these are some good swashbucklers. There's also some really beautiful prose that really evokes the landscapes of 15th century Europe, and her action/battle scenes are some of the most gripping I've read. The caveat with this one is that I actually don't like the main character all that much; he's a real special guy who speaks all the languages, is good at all the things, is a master strategist at 20, and is hot to boot. But the story is told mostly through the POVs of other characters that get caught up in his exploits so you're not stuck in his insufferable perspective, and I found the books overall (there are six in the series) very hard to put down.
'The Count of Monte Cristo' by Alexandre Dumas. The OG swashbuckler, really. Shipwrecks! Duels! Poison! Revenge! People just don't do dramatic adventure novels like Dumas anymore.
'War and Peace' by Tolstoy. I can't not mention this; I've read it twice so far in English and once in Russian. Tolstoy was an amazing observer of human nature. Also, he clearly thought Napoleon was a little bitch and reading about him from the perspective of a Russian novelist is quite entertaining after reading about him from Victor Hugo's perspective.
'Les Miserables' by Victor Hugo. I also have to mention this one. Yes, there are very lengthy asides on the Parisian sewer system. In the middle of a chase scene. But tbh, Hugo was curious about everything and while maybe he talked about every single one of those things a bit too long, it still endears him to me. Also, he was known more as a poet than a novelist by contemporary readers, and even in translation I think the fact that he was a poet really comes through in the prose.
Also, really anything by Patricia McKillip if you want dreamy, poetic fantasy that feels like being dropped right into the middle of a fairytale where magic has no hard rules and is something a bit wild and dangerous and beautiful.
I also read a lot of non-fiction, so I'll just list a few of my faves: 'Survival in Auschwitz' by Primo Levi; 'The Gulag Archipelago' by Alexandre Solzhenitsyn; James Herriott's 'All Creatures Great and Small' series; 'Landmarks' by Robert Macfarlane (but really any of his nature writing; this one I liked particularly because it's about the power of language to evoke a sense of place and how our vocabulary for the natural world is slowly being subsumed by our increasingly technologically-driven world). 'The Demon-Haunted World' by Carl Sagan, which was written in the 90s but if anything is even more relevant today as we struggle with parsing the mythology of pseudoscience and the real-world harm it perpetuates.
And I read a fuck ton of poetry, so I'll just rattle off a list of some of my favourite poets: Wilfred Owen, Isaac Rosenberg, Siegfried Sassoon, Rupert Brooks, Edward Thomas (I also love his nature writing), Alexandre Blok, Pushkin, Ursula Le Guin (she's primarily known as a novelist, but she has some very good poetry as well), Mikhail Lermontov, Anna Akhmatova, Alexander Pope, Tennyson (particularly Idylls of the King), Seamus Heaney, and Yeats.
Anyway, this is a small sampler of books I've read and loved.
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freyafayne · 8 months
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Turns Out I’m Gay
(A short story about coming out)
Just not the kind they all thought.
When I was a little girl, I had a boy name. A boy haircut. And a boy’s expectations. When my family bought me shoes or clothes, they shopped from the boys’ section. Sure, the stuff in the girls’ section looked cooler, and brighter. But showing interest in it was met with a reminder. Sometimes hurtful, and sometimes violent. The reminder came from family, from peers, from our pop culture and media. But the reminder, the message, was always the same. “Boys don’t do that. Boys don’t like that. Boys aren’t like that.”
These reminders were typically accompanied with sneers, sometimes with disgust, and too often with amusement. The subtext became clear to me. I was only ever called a girl as an insult. It never felt like it should be one, but every one else acted like it was.
It was honestly confusing. I’d get punished for natural expressions. How I walked, examined my nails, how I talked, laughed, sneezed, yawned, drank from a fucking cup, things I put no thought whatsoever into how I did them. Imagine my confusion being confronted with, “why are you doing that like a girl(derogatory)?” at every turn.
A lot of people were insisting that I was a boy. I didn’t know enough to argue. On top of that, being girly was apparently wrong and bad and made me stand out in bad ways. So I learned to hide myself. I tried to be what I was apparently supposed to be.
I became a sad fraction of myself, years and years of being filtered though a wire mesh woven from every, “I’m not allowed to like/do/say/be that,” statements I internalized.
The only part of this whole “boy” deal that seemed to fit was that I was allowed to like girls. That felt natural as hell, but apparently I couldn’t help but do that wrong way too. The way other boys talked about girls grossed me out, but taking exception to it made me “gay(derogatory)” to my peers. So I learned to keep my mouth shut, and hide my cringe with quiet dread while I listened to how boys talk about girls and when the boys think girls aren’t around.
I had heard a lot about “good men,” while growing up. Several people even thought it was very important that I became one of those some day. That had always been my goal, but it sure seemed like a low bar. Eventually “boy” was replaced with “man(prideful)” when referring to me, but I still had a lot of blank space to fill.
Thankfully, I found someone who knew exactly the kind of partner she wanted. Sadly for me, she was straight, and the partner she wanted was a man. After getting married for the wrong reasons, I put quite the effort into being a man, thanks to the constant reminders of my femininity being undesirable. “Be less cute, grow a beard, shave your head, cum in a deeper voice, no you can’t wear that hat it has a bow on it!"
And after years. I was alone. For the first time in my life, alone and beholden to no one. She had gone off to be an army medic, and within a year I was home for the first lockdown. I got to know myself. It was a process.
I explored who I was, and I made a lot of queer friends. And when I met sapphics, I felt a certain spark. Curiosity? Yearning? It just seemed like a beautiful way to live. It took me far too long to realize that spark I felt was recognition.
It wasn’t the first time I had wondered or worried if I was trans. I’d take online dysphoria quizzes and they’d ask, “do you think your life would be easier if you were the opposite gender?”
I was white, tall, fit, and everyone thought I was a man. There had been a queer genocide brewing for years. Where I live, confederate flags are commonplace but pride flags are rare, even in June. So I tell the online quiz, “no, I don’t think my life would get easier if I was trans.”
The quiz shrugs and responds with, “well, I guess you’re cis then.”
And I would be skeptical, but by then the gender panic subsided, pulled back down below the surface. I was still missing a piece. Some ever so important context that pulled it into focus, like finally seeing the boat in the magic eye picture.
The answer was a time capsule with my name on it that I had no memory of burying. And by the end, it was a dam, cracked and leaking. When the dam finally crumbled, the final blows came from lesbian representation in media, and a tweet.
I still laugh that the mermaid episode from the third season of Disenchantment was so important to my coming out. It was brief, sweet, and ended with a shattering that said, “sorry, that life isn’t for you. That love, that peace. It can’t be. It was just a dream anyway. Forget about it.” And it fucking wrecked me.
I was still reeling from its impact and the feelings it left when the Beau/Yasha date episode of Critical Role aired. Again, far from the most typical place to gain identity shattering revelations from, and yet it still worked. I loved it with all my heart, and it made me feel so empty.
And then the tweet that cracked my egg. Broke the dam. Dug up that time capsule and cracked it open on my lap. A thread from a girl talking about how her catholic upbringing kept her in the closet, both as trans and as a lesbian. And it sounded like she was telling me about my own life.
The dam broke. Shattered. After the torrent ran over me leaving me drenched in my own truth, and I was terrified. So much of what I was about to lose was a given. Some was only a maybe.
My marriage ended for the last time shortly after I told her, with bittersweet relief. And I held onto a burning hope, knowing my love wasn’t wrong, just misdirected. A hope that I would find someone who loved the same way I did.
That hope kept me alive. That love saved my life. And they were all right.
I’m so fucking gay 💜
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shock-micro · 2 months
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Hi, I'm Mira! I'm a silly gay robot on the internet. "How," you might be wondering- don't worry! I have a two greek letter answer for you: θΔ. I'm also transfem, if you couldn't already tell by the trans flag in my profile picture.
I used to do Minecraft stuff, trying to make the game live up to its visual potential while staying within the confines of the vanilla game's engine, but now I'm kinda just burnt out of the game as a whole. Oh well! Now I just generally like looking into the visual and game design of various games.
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My interests are mostly gaming-related, but I've tried to dabble in art occasionally. I like all sorts of games, like Pokémon, Minecraft, Celeste, Hollow Knight, Rain World, Risk of Rain, Ultrakill and probably even more that I'm missing, and definitely more after this post is made.
Feel free to send me asks whether we're mutuals or not!
I do have a sona, designed by a good friend of mine, @quantumpickle! I don't quite have a reference sheet, but I don't really care if you get it inaccurate- I love seeing how different people interpret the design. Whatever you do, though, don't forget the body fat- it's a reflection of who I am, at the end of the day. If you want a good picture of what I look like, look at Pickle's amazing work:
My posts are mostly reblogs, but I always end each session of scrolling with a post of my own, to know where to end next time I log on. I try as best I can to keep this account safe for work in both reblogs and original posts, though I am an adult. I will say something if this ever changes.
I am plural, sharing a body with a rabbit girl named Moon. She doesn't have her own sona yet, having recently (as of this post) decided to no longer associate herself with the character that first helped her manifest. You'll know it's her- she uses blue-colored text, and I typically don't type in proper grammar on Tumblr.
Hello, all! It's Moon- I'm not typically around as much as Mira, but it's always a pleasure when I can be~
I do have a partner, and I will always talk about them given the opportunity, but I carry a certain form of love for all of my close friends. The people I know mean a lot to me.
I love the simple things in life, from food, to nature, to the contrast of light and dark in both a literal and literary sense. I often find myself overwhelmed by everything that goes on in the world, but I find comfort in knowing the bad stuff is only a few bad people out of a beautifully diverse species.
If you couldn't tell, I generally prefer looking on the bright side and finding something to love about things rather than staying miserable all of the time. I don't get out much, and so I'd much rather give people that light to hold onto than spread the same old bleak story that you've heard from countless other people, regardless of how important it is to share. Change is built on hope, after all.
Normally people put a DNI in their bio or their pinned post, but I don't really care to do that. If you're a bitch, I'll block and move on. I don't care how you use a label, or where the other folks in your head came from, or whatever other queer-adjacent drama is the hot topic, I accept you regardless. I'm ace, I still love my partner, I can love anyone, I use it/its pronouns, I'm robokin, I've got another goober in my head whose origins are unknown, do you really think I'd hate you for being you?
That's actually an important point- even if I do think something someone's done is unforgivable, I believe that bad people are still people. In some ways, that makes things better, they have lives outside of what they commit, but it also makes things worse when you realize someone woke up and actively chose to perpetuate genocide. Some people are genuinely that bad, others are just misguided and can be helped. Ultimately, it's not my job to "save" anyone. I just try to provide a light of kindness when I can.
Wow, that was long-winded for a post that's just supposed to describe me. I suppose that's in-character for me, though. Agree with me or not, I don't really care, as long as you're respectful. I hope you've found this post helpful in understanding who I am as a person, long-winded as it is. Have a good one, whoever and wherever you are.
...now how do I pin this?
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Headcanon: in the event of MC being transfem, it's naturally a VERY agonizing decision to come out to the club, not knowing how they'd take a boy who's been in their club for the longest time suddenly revealing they're one of them in a very real way, considering how long it took some members (coughNatsukicough) to accept them in the club in the first place.
When they're brave enough to gather everyone and reveal the truth, however, they're very accepting--Sayori reacts by squeeing, jumping up, and hugging MC right away, and the other girls, though they do ask for some time to process the revelation, affirm right away that they'll do anything and everything to help MC feel more comfortable going forward.
Imagine MC's shock, then, when she shows up for the next Literature Club meeting--and finds the girls have put together a literal "coming out" party for her, replete with treats, music, gifts, and a makeshift hairstyling/makeup/nail polish station, with everyone eagerly giving MC answers to her first few tentative questions about girl bodies and the girl experience (everyone gets a turn in this regard) and cooing over how pretty and cute she looks now, much to MC's embarrassment. As you might imagine, there's much gratefulness, tears, joy, and love shared between all the girls that day, which MC makes a point to thank everyone for by the end of that day.
What do you think?
That's incredibly cute (;w;)
I think that this situation, like everything else the club does, would be more lowkey than a coming out party. MC comes out, and of course Sayori is excited and celebrates, but all of them are accepting and affirming right away. I think this might actually start a little cascade of coming out (depending on your headcanons) with the other girls talking about their own identities to give MC a sense of "You're not alone".
After that, MC would be very nervous to ask any of them about things she was thinking about, but would probably eventually ask Sayori about her hair (calling back to the Hairdresser Sayori ask I got), and she helps her style it a little while they're in the club. At some point, Monika would probably open herself to MC if she has any questions, as she's very much a mentor sort of person. Natsuki and Yuri most likely wouldn't be the best to ask/receive advice from, but again depending on your headcanons, Yuri would probably ask a few questions about MC's perception of gender and how she came to identify as trans (and help with Yuri's own questioning gender). Rolling with the Trans Natsuki headcanon (because I love it and am totally not projecting), she may or may not come out when MC does, but I think eventually she would come out to her privately, and the two are transfem besties!
But those are just my thoughts on it! A little influenced by my own experience coming out, but just thoughts. Everything I say should be taken with a grain of salt and an Ibuprofen, so take it as you will!
As always, thank you for the ask~!
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moose-a-licious · 16 days
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Just found out my dad and brother are visiting Erin and I this spring, and my dad wants to give us his canoe.
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My mom is too sick to come visit anymore, and this might be my dad’s last trip. He used to be a ranger and firefighter in the bwca on the west end when he was in high school/shortly after, before he moved away from home. When I was born he got the canoe because, to him, it was important that I experience nature and learn from the Earth instead of society. We were never able to visit the bwca together because of health complications, but we have many good memories in that canoe.
Instead of spiraling on what could have been, when we receive that red canoe I want to experience the world. This decision made me decide to start writing trip reports to reflect on.
I want to start with a trip Erin and I took to Ham lake in September 2023.
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We didn’t know at the time, but our trip began over a decade ago. Back when our relationship first began, and we adopted baby Link together. I remember being overjoyed at the fact that the date the shelter estimated him to be born on was around the time Erin and I shared our first kiss.
It snowed the first night we brought Link home, he loved watching the flakes. It made me wonder if it was the first time he saw the snowfall.
After adopting Link, I started my physical transition. The day I came out to my mom is etched in my mind.
I was 19 when my mom came home from work one afternoon. Told her I had something to tell her and she should sit down. She stayed standing. I told her that I felt like a man inside (and had for as long as I can remember) not a woman. I had been on hormone replacement therapy for a few months.
My mom sat down.
The reaction she had was not what I was preparing for. I was expecting confusion, possible religious rejection, questions about how that could be possible, does my mom even know trans people can exist? We’ve never talked about it.
My mom never lets her guard down. She carries herself with grace, every move calculated with purpose.
When I looked up at her, her guard was down. The hair at the back of her neck was standing up, her hands were cradling her head, her eyes wide focusing on the carpet, she shook her head “no” with the smallest head shake. It’s fear for my safety.
“No, no, no, no, no.” She whispered, “they’re going to come for you now too.”
At the time, I didn’t fully understand what she meant, and it hasn’t been brought up between us since. At the back of my mind I felt an itch of what it could be though. It had something to do with her grandmother, who my mother told me stories about. My mom’s grandmother was native and went through a boarding school. It had to do with the church too. But, who were “they”.
As my parents dealt with confusion and it seemed like society didn’t want to deal with me, it was comforting to come home to Erin and Link every day. They loved and supported me regardless of how my body changed.
We experienced so much of the world for those 13 years. Then the time to say goodbye came.
On a Thursday evening Link greeted us when we came home from work. Him and I did our daily outside walk routine together, he loved greeting all the resort workers as they buzzed around. He didn’t need a leash, I was faster than him now. I noticed on this walk though, he was a little slower than usual, and he tried veering off towards the bushes near our building- he’s never done that before.
When we walked inside I carried him upstairs, and we looked outside the window together. At this time of day we would watch the birds a bit before I went to make dinner. Today there was another thing new- American goldfinches. They were singing us songs inches away from a tree. I’ve heard them very few times and never from our window, this was a special moment. Link was so happy. I held him closer and whispered to him that it was okay to let go now.
Friday morning I woke up around 330am. It’s hard to sleep through the night these days. I headed to the kitchen to make my first pot of coffee. When I came back, Link was there just like he had been every day since this new morning ritual began. Just like usual, he led me to the bedroom and sat in my lap when I got back in bed. His purrs on my chest were comforting for the next few hours until Erin woke up and we needed to get ready for work.
Erin went first, and after I got up I noticed something. Link wasn’t following me. He couldn’t stand up from where he was laying on the bed.
We made the hour journey to the vet clinic in town. The clinic’s dr moved here from India because he wanted to help a small community in need. Same with the gas station owners. I see them bring their younger family members over here. I think they’re running from the same thing Erin and I are.
Erin, Link, and I looked outside at the trees and birds one last time from the clinic window while the dr prepared things with the aides. Erin’s face was beautiful as they spoke to Link as he sat happily in my arms. I’ve never seen their face look like that in all our time together.
It was the perfect ending to this chapter. We’re so grateful to that little clinic.
This is where our canoe trip begins.
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When Link’s ashes arrived, we packed. Our other two little beans were grieving too, and knew we would be leaving them. We had some coworkers watch them and give them love while we were gone.
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Our plan was to drive to the boat landing a few miles away and canoe to Ham lake. If we were lucky, we could get the prime campsite on the peninsula. Worst case we’d make a day trip out of it and head home after a picnic.
Pt 1 for photo limit.
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basedkikuenjoyer · 9 months
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The mood feels right, it's that time without light. Who's up for a lil late-night Togashiposting? Because there's one that has me thinking about a few concepts we've been on about. Which means we get to talk baby's first foxboy blorbo again. This was always one of my better posts that still generates interest today, but for the basic idea we talk a lot about the Akazaya as throwbacks and particularly Okiku's ties to Eiichiro Oda's own history on Rurouni Kenshin. There was another two-faced redhead in popular manga at the time, and we get Oda referencing the iconic clash with Game Master in interviews as a big moment he liked. But also just in One Piece canon it's interesting how Ryokugyu with a similar power intersects with Kiku's tale to bolster the connection. Likewise with the parallel story of the thieving fox spirit and how it intersects with Kiku's past.
For this part of our examination though, we're going to look through the lens of another meta concept we've been on about. Poking at the nature of "filler" and how much strict canon really matters? This is the finale of Kurama's last fight in the anime, something really glossed over in the manga as YuYu Hakusho tragically came to a close in the hurried Three Kings Saga. To me though, the anime at least salvages this arc into a worthy conclusion. I don't actually mind the idea of our quartet squaring off their personal arcs underneath the bigger show of the Makai Tournament. Kurama's fight with Shigure is so well done for that. One thing you have to give me, being filler or noncanonical is not an impediment to being an inspiration or an influence on someone else later.
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The whole fight is a great finale for Kurama & his demonic past. We meet him distanced from it, they're reconnected in the Dark Tournament, he embraces it to answer the call in Chapter Black...then here after reconciling it he rejects the old self. Importantly though, he only wins through taking advantage of seeds planted by his old self. I love the final line to Yomi about it "I never leave anything behind." That reconciliation of past and present for a brighter future is where I really see Kiku picking up this torch. Himura Kenshin has a lot of similarities in his arc, but Kurama's with themes of reincarnation and parent/child bonds feel like the ways this gentle redhead seeped in. Of course, Kiku is still her own take on the idea. The trans aspect and cloaking it in a lady caring about her reputation is an excellent evolution.
Can't ignore the antagonist here either, this is why I was thinking this part in particular after all. A surgeon with a samurai vibe, choosing an honorable death after defeat. The way Shigure shaped the tone of this climax for foxboy's saga was giving me some big feelings. I honestly haven't rewatched the Three Kings Arc in years. The montage of core scenes though, showing us how Kurama grew into someone so willing to choose this new life, it had a big one I didn't really think about in this context:
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How it all starts between he & Yusuke the MC. The story of the Forlorn Hope. That dub name is way cooler because the Funimation dub of the YuYu anime is a national treasure. But yeah...that's where this entire relationship started. It's an artifact that demands the user's life to grant a wish. An empty, unfulfilled Kurama was so casually willing to throw his life away to return a mother's love...without getting the point. Too busy turning over every possibility he hasn't realized how much he's grown. There's no way his mother would be happy with that trade because she doesn't see some legendary thieving fox demon...and if you told her she'd probably just say that explains a lot.
How does Yusuke solve it? Stepping in and sharing the burden. Very similar tone we'd see later with Usopp and the samurai. Even with the little dash of levity and that fine line between nobility and senseless self-sacrifice. Not to mention the big moment of Kiku's fall being Kin's final push to evolve and strike down Kanjuro. That's not unique to YYH but it's one of the biggest pillars of that series. But Bakura Town ends up being a lot like this in tone. The sumo match. Luffy jumps in because Kiku's putting her body on the line to amp up the crowd's panic. The two working together, Luffy stepping up and playing the hero for a moment, opens a new path. Just like the Forlorn Hope here and it letting them slide for being such good boys.
Then from there Kurama's story arc has the same structure we'll see out of Kiku later and Himura Kenshin around the same time. You've come so far by the time we meet you that we can do an arc about confronting that past. But that story can't end with going back to it, can it? No matter what it may mean, it's still so wild for me to see this connection over time. Kurama really was one of my first major anime characters I could latch onto and I've been a One Piece fan for so long. Just can't believe the cutesy waitress we met early Wano had all this in store.
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the-irken-pony · 11 months
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Free spot to talk about your ocs!! Gimme whatever thoughts you've gotten!
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Gahhhhh fuck it. If people know ahead of time then people know ahead of time, I need to talk about them hhhh.
Traci Wells:
First of all I have adjusted her palette again. Reverted her CCC uniform to its original colors, made her shoes and glasses a bit more purplish, and made her hair a bit more reddish (and more vibrant).
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I haven’t gotten around to it yet but I may redo how I draw her hair bun. I know it’s possible for one person to have multiple types of curls depending on the location but bun doesn’t match the hair that’s pulled back to make it, if that makes sense.
Basically I need to draw her again so I can share an updated design
Okay some actual character info now-
The original idea for Traci came from one of Ellie’s lines in Capital Gainz. Ellie mentions having “contacts” who are capable of acquiring private info, such as where the Toppat Clan is located. The fact that said contact(s) a) are willing to rat out the Toppat Clan and b) doing have enough of a vendetta to target the Toppat Clan themselves, was what led me to make her a member of the CCC, rather than a more major faction. (Though my own favoritism towards the CCC also played a part.)
Traci is… not the most physically fit. She prefers to assist in combat from a distance, and unlike the militarily trained Charles Calvin, Traci does not adapt well to field work or close quarters combat.
That said, she’s petty as fuck and not afraid to start an argument.
As I have said before, she works for the Subject Surveillance (SS) Wing of the Center for Chaos Containment. Unlike the Area Protection (AP) Wing, SS is devoted to capturing, “tagging”, and releasing individuals known to have high chaos levels (such as Henry, Ellie, RHM, Kabbitz, etc.). This does two things: allows them to distinguish between “area chaos” (e.g. the Toppat vs Govt fight in ItA) and “localized chaos” (e.g. the Ellry vs Kabbitz fight) and approach the situation accordingly (in a way that doesn’t result in wiping out the 1% or so of the population that has superpowers), and lets them study and observe superpowers in their natural state.
Ever since the CCC started working with the Wall, SS has been underfunded because why worry about all the nitty gritty details of where the chaos is coming from when you can just lock up any chaotic specimens (alongside whatever criminals Dmitri thought looked neat) and then take any remaining chaos and blow it up?
Speaking of the Wall, I've mentioned that Traci has a vendetta against Kyle Baxter. Before Kyle was stationed at the Wall, he was another member of SS. He volunteered for the new role for a couple of reasons. 1) With SS funding going down the drain and the CCC getting buddy-buddy with the Wall, he figured it'd be a more financially stable position in the long run; 2) he had experience working with high-chaos individuals so he assumed that it would be similar. (His panic during the big bust-out? That incident falls under the "area chaos" category, which he's not as equipped to deal with.)
Traci is, shall we say... less than pleased with this. And she's not afraid to mention it.
And now, some ✨backstory✨
I have mentioned that Traci has a twin. That twin is actually RHM. They’re biological twins; RHM is transgender.
Yes that does mean that she’s Cockney. I still need to remind myself this sometimes.
Sometime in his teens, RHM got kicked out of the house. I haven’t fully settled on the reason yet; either it was related to him having superpowers or some huge fuckup that’s his fault, or possibly a combination of the two. (Toyed with the idea of it being trans related, but I imagine him discovering that a bit later on in his life.)
He’d live on the streets for a couple of years before being picked up by the Toppat Clan. Almost definitely joined a gang or two in that time.
Traci stayed at home at the time; as much as she cared about her sibling, she also didn’t want to give up the security of having a home (the fact that she wasn’t treated as a “problem child” the way RHM was didn’t help).
Over time she’d grow to regret this decision more and more until she eventually made it her goal to reunite with him somehow. This is what originally motivated her to join the CCC—not only would she have a flying mobile unit, but she’d also have equipment that would help her track down RHM.
She would quickly find her new job to be a perfect for her (even if achieving her original goal would prove to be more difficult than originally thought).
Cael Summers:
So far, there isn’t a whole lot about them that I haven’t shared yet. I was a lot more open when introducing them than I was with Traci. I’ve also had Traci for much longer so she’s had more time to develop than Cael has.
Lots of scrapped ideas incoming!
They weren’t always nonbinary—or maybe they sorta were? When I first started developing them I kept flip flopping between male and female for them. Then I decided that if it was that hard of a decision then maybe they were a secret third thing.
I originally imagined them with a bit of a calmer disposition, but I felt that it made them a bit too similar to Ellie. So I pushed them closer and closer to how they are now: nervous fella who’d rather be at home than dealing with any of this shit.
Their hair became less emo with each iteration. When working on their more recent design I tried to emphasize the fact that they were recently captured by the Wall after getting caught in the middle of a scuffle between them and the Toppats. And that’s how I settled on the more messy hair they have now.
And now some actually still relevant information,
On their off-work days they like to dress more stylishly; they do their hair all nice and add a brooch.
I already mentioned the whole “they swallowed a rock and got powers from it” thing, but I didn’t elaborate on what those were: mind-related powers. Telepathy, mind reading, mind control, mind wiping, astral projection/possession, that sorta thing.
Aside from the telepathy, most of their newfound abilities scare them. They went from “will try to avoid a fight at all costs” to “I accidentally shattered one guy’s mind and turned another guy against his gang” and they don’t quite know how to handle it.
They do meet Ellie at some point—or rather, they might meet her. Cannot share too much more about that, since that’s directly related to the actual fanfic plot. Still working out how exactly they play into her story, but their general dynamic is “Ellie is a bad influence”.
Uhhhhh that’s about it for now? Have fun with these I guess lol
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