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#this is the first time that's ever happened and I'm rlly sad I can't watch the vid anymore:((((
baekhvuns · 6 months
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I HEAR AN ANON FELT BAD ABT SOMETHING!!! 🤸🧍
Oooohhh imma just say anon, i believe sometimes we hear things the other person doesn't really means, I'm not sure how your friend has treated you in the past or if she's said tht to you consistently so maybe that's why it made you feel bad when she mentioned her 'bf' and that's totally fine trust me I've had frnds too tht out of nowhere bring it something I rlly don't want them to mention. But hear me out, you gotta enjoy your life to the fullest!! WITH YOUR KPOP BOIS AND MANHWA DRAWINGS!! I bet you're soulmate is out there rn, wanting to find someone perfect for him...and then here you are and you hv no idea. Believe in the universe, Destiny literally never plays. anyways where cn i read tht fic-
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AND NOW ABT MISS BAEKS...YOUR NAME IS KIRA?!?!? Lmfaooo I've seen those memes where they say trash + trash and trash no 1 is soveishu and trash no 2 is rashta.
Hehehehe you thought I'll make only for San??? BWAHAHAHAAHA *devil laugh*
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OMG UNDERCOVER EMPRESS AND THIEF SAN??!?? IM- 🤌🤌 GURL YOU HV LITERAL GEMS!!! DIAMONDS!!! :00 NOT THE YSL PERSONA 😭😭
But marques falhan..😧 I'm gonna give them the title of yunho (kosair) and jongho (falhan) although I'm still not sure but Hey it works. HOLY BANOLY WHAT IN THE FRICKITY FRACKITY FUCK IS WRONG WITH THIS RASHTA?!?!?! THE AUDACITY, SHE HAS TO CALL NAVIER INFERTILE INFRONT OF HER AND KOSAIR?!?!?! kosair buddy, unleash yourself...kill her. When soveishu realises the big mistake he made, how rashta never loved him, how all she ever desired was the riches and power, he's gonna....he's gonna regret it so much I hope he gives up his title. "The empress said I was worthless first"
OHMYGOD IM- 💀 WTF IS WRONG WITH THIS EMPEROR HE BELIEVES EVERY THING THT TRASHTA SAYS? (this is so soap opera coded tho) Ok forget I said this soap opera coded it reminds me of the crown. There.
The way I feel so envious and so boiled up every time I see any scene of rastha and soveishu...it makes me think if navier was real, what would she be going through? My girl is crazy strong, soveishu really lost a gem, Heinrey was right. [Omg I just saw McKenna transform frm his bird form to human form and OH MAN- 🛐]
I feel like Duke ergi is basically fooling rashta and she's following him, digging her own grave Bcz she in the end has no intellect whatsoever, she's blinded by power and she'd do anything to achieve it, which will eventually lead to her downfall.
no fr dad's are literally so confusing??!?; the other day, I was eating my breakfast while watching TV and my dad comes into the living room, watches me for a while, like he literally stared at me while he stood in front of me so I stopped...obv thinking what was wrong and then i slowly took in the spoon filled with cereals and he went "what's tht way of eating??" AND I WAS LIKE WHAT?! 😭😭 he said "why can't you eat normally??" And I was like bro u caught me off-guard?!?! Then he just patted my head, gv out a chuckle and left?!?!
OMG GURL THE BL'S UPDATE IS HERE!!! IMMA GO READ IT!! AGHHHHHHHHHHH HAEBOM APPEARED SHIRTLESS AHHHHH ...girl his not even wearing his bottoms- wow the confidence to show up almost naked infront of sungho and just a towel hanging down here like?!?! 😭 SUNGHO NOWS NOT THE TIME TO BE THINKING ABT WHAT U JUST SAW 😭 oh thanks god he's clothes omg..
HAEBOM HAEBOM JUST ASKED HIM FOR A SLEEPOVER AT HIS HOUSE AHHHH OMG THE EXCUSE WAS "SINCE THE BABY'S ALR ASLEEP" OH YOU SMOOTH MF!! Aw they're washing the dishes together 🤧 just get married alr ok, we're having some deep talks.
Haebom has a sad past...his mother was a kind soul but the villagers took advantage of her kindness and set their house on fire when he was a kid....hah no wonder he doesnt trusts anyone easily.
Lol he changed back to his persona 😭
OHHHHH SUNGHO GOT DISH SOAP IN HIS EYES I THINK IK WHATS ABT TO HAPPEN AHHHHH HAEBOM'S HELPING HIM BRO THEIR PROXIMITY ALL WHILE WHEN HAEBOM HIS SHIRTLESS 😭😭😭
....I bet sungho has realised something just now.."he has blue eyes I never noticed" BOI-
BRO HE JUST KISSED HIM!!! I REPEAT SUNGHO KISSED HAEBOM 😭😭😭 OMG IT HAPPENED :0 "my bad" 💀 pls-
"His lips are so soft" both of them thinking the same thing...while haebom is standing frozen in his place not moving an inch and sungho awkwardly ran off 😭
"Is something wrong with me? Am I dying" 😭 why is he like this??? Your heart is beating idiot YOU'RE IN LOVE HAEBOM!
tough man cried. ykw I bet he's just a baby inside with all that muscles and intimidating aura he has and I bet only sungho can calm that baby down who suffered the trauma of being all alone.
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WOULD YOU BELIEVE THIS MAN CRIED?!?! 😭 I'm so soft for big men embracing their vulnerable and sensitive side.
Look tho I found some pictures of remarried empress and it has come to my attention THAT THIS IS A NOVEL AND THE FIRST PIC IS BASED ON THE NOVEL DESIGN LIKE DAMN-
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Ohhh a bollywood movie?? No Bcz u were the reason I watched my first Bollywood movie AND ILL WATCH ONE AGAIN!
Life at work has been boring. Nothing new, no new interactions, don't even abt my uni tho, there is not one single person tht I like 😮‍💨 anyways, manifesting for all the hopeless romantics a ff typa love story!!
exactly!!!! & HELLO
YES IT IS HELLO 😭😭😭 jVCNDBWK NO SERIOUSLY SHE REALLY IS TRASH IM SO EXQUISITELY DISGUSTED BY HER 😭😭
PLEASE. OH MY GOD. KAUFMANS ENTIRE PERSONA IS SO MINGI IM ACTUALLY SCREAMIMG THE PICTURE—i ran around my room a little just now— he also sometimes reminds me of rm like this combo is gorgeous
CALLING NAVIER INFERTILE IS A DIRECT INSULT BC TO SOVIESHU BC WE ALL KNOW WHOS THE REAL ONE i just know heinry is gonna be all smirky when navier and he have a kid and rashta’s burning (did a little digging and looked up that they do in fact have kids 😭😭 and both r twins, lari & kai) navier is so mother
IT REALLY IS SO SOAP OPERA-ISH, it got all the dramatics of indian serials, turkish shows, telenovelas, kdramas and more like this combo is insane
yOOOOO MCKENNA IS A UNDERRATED BEAUTY !!!!!
no bc im also convinced, his eyes have this little glint of mischievousness,,, he & heinry are the duo, just like woosan 😭😭 i want him to lead to her downfall honestly
no bc dad lore is so fun???? LMFAOOOO THATS SO CUTE 😭😭😭 my dad looks very scary irl but i saw him yesterday w a cap on jumping to 50cent having his hands doing hang signs and i just “????”
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oh to be sungho and see those muscles bfwmjdka “SINCE THE BABYS ALREADY ASLEEP” OKAY SIR OKAY OKAY TAKE US WITH, why are they so married couple core already
omg haebom 😭😭😭 WDYM “my bad” ????? YALL KISSED HOW IS IT MY BAD FHWNDJKSDKSL,, he really is a grumpy with his brightest sunshine 😔😔
HES SO HUGE STOP IT CHAERSSSS
LMFAOOOO THAT MEME FRHWKHDKW NAVIER JUST THERE JVDMSJCK
yes it is!!!! super controversial at that time but honestly a pretty good topic, it’s a 2000’s movie and yea worth a watch!!
no bc felt, everything’s boring these days maybe it’s the seasonal depression ya’know,, all we can do is manifest a love story with a man like wi ha joon in the worst of evil 🥰🥰
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hyuckmov · 11 months
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it was really early in the morning when we went to han river and ate ramen there (CAN FINALLY CROSS IT OUT MY LIST IM HAPPY CRYING AGAIN) so there weren't that many people yet except for those alr walking their pets (SO CUTE BOTH THE PETS AND OWNERS R TOO NICE :(( ) and then bicycling. our initial plan was to have a lil picnic at night but decided to just do it in the morning so it wouldn't be too cold (SIKE) and about the couples -- OMG YES THEY ARE EVERY. WHERE. ANY TIME OF DAYYYY. it's really different to see it yourself. esp at parks!! we couldn't stop giggling because we don't know if we should proceed taking pics w the flowers and all or just look for another area because they're all there doing couple stuff (cute pics and all) it's so fun n hilarious.
that's alright though, at least you could save up more and maybe do other things first so you'd be ready-ready once you're all decided to go :> going with friends really IS FUN :(( coming from a really introverted person (ME)
i so agree with you 🥹 bigger, better, more fun, more more more worth the wait. it's kinda funny to think it now but that time it was just too depressing for me that almost everyone around me are there EXCEPT ME. like, genuinely happy for them but u just can't help but be sad too yk? SO I HEARD ..... and based on the clips i saw the boys were having soooo so so sooo much fun not to mention the crowd's truly amazing.. AND I THANK THEM THE BOYS HAD SO MUCH FUN. about the byl, if you're free that time then i think you should get it. HAVE FUUUUUN think of it as a little preview for u until you finally get to experience it live ;-;
PLEASE ENJOY THAT BREAK WHILE YOU CAN I'M TELLING YOU. i went straight to working right after i graduated and yes it's a good thing i alr secured a job as they said but i felt so down and burnt out for months since i never got to take a rest even for just a week or so... it was like my time was running out fast or something.. SO PLEASE. rest, have fun, do whatever makes you calm and happy.. just. enjoy <333
(PS i notice my responses get longer and longer each time i hope it's not a bother to you or to anyone that comes across this. and pls.. don't thank me im having so much fun chatting with uuu)
HIII firstly. not bothered by ur long responses at all i love reading these it’s like receiving a letter 🫶🏻 pls keep on sending these when u have the time hehe
omg eating ramen at han river…cycling and people-watching that literally sounds like the dream i’m stealing that idea for my own future trip <3 RIIIGHT the couples also i hear all the girls r super pretty w the middest boyfriends ever 🤭 im also an introvert (and actually irl really guarded lol) and i always wonder about what it would really be like to travel w friends or even live with them…wonder what it will do to my social battery and also just seeing me at my worst (11pm-2am) but ngl i won’t know until i try :) my friends and i might all be going overseas to and the same country for uni so it’ll really be like starting a new life and i’m excited to do it w them no matter what happens
sometimes it’s a comparative thing…. it feels like everyone else is there and it’s so sad that you’re not. i’m still debating between actually paying for the byl and also just watching it being streamed off someone else… one thing is that finding links for streams r so stressful esp when they get cut off…. but another is am i rlly gna spend $50 on this….but i hear it’s going to be really special with some new songs <3
the burn out is so real….. i was so annoying for the first few weeks of working because i just couldn’t believe like is this what real life is…? is there really nothing more to life? i was so struck LMFAO i was beginning to realize the power of having a bubble subscription because getting a notification from haechan as i’m rotting at my work cubicle is like a LIFESAVER. this is my last week of work and i’m so excited bc my friend will also be finishing work so we’re sooo gna celebrate by doing jobless things and maximizing our unemployment (weekday lunch deals and cheap museum tickets) 🫶🏻🫶🏻🫶🏻
I HOPE YOUUU feel rested after ur trip and that life’s been going okay…. HOW ARE YOU!!! what have you been doing :)
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kirbymybeloved · 3 years
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I think I accidentally reported a post as spam when trying to play a video that looked cute 😭😭 I can't see it anymore so sorry to whoever posted that, it looked like a great video my phone is just dumb😭😭
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soupncrackwrs · 4 years
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Okay so I had an idea for an AFTG fic but again I’m horrible at anything that isn’t hc’s so here we are (feel free to make this into a fic if you want just credit me) *Also all pairing in this are platonic besides andreil and mattdan soo, don’t like get out*
This spawned from that fact that one of my 3 PTP’s (platonic trust pairing) in AFTG is Kev and Neil
This is probably my PTP that has the most popularity in the fandom I’d say (my other 2 are Renee/Andrew/Neil and Neil/Dan which are both *really* hard to find ((at least on ao3)) so that sucks) but you’d be surprised how little it gets like actually focused on
Most times, platonic wise, Neil gets shown bonding with The MonstersTM, Allison, or Matt
wHICH IS FINE IM TOTALLY OKAY W/ THAT
I just happen to enjoy neil/dan, kev/neil,and renee/andrew/neil more
So I wanted a fic that really showcased kev and neils relationship
BUT IM ALSO IN LOVE WITH OUSIDER POV SO THIS HAPPENED
Now onto the actual headcanon
So neil and kevin are like best friends
They've been like that for a while
but they also like fucking despise each other
like they love and care deeply for each other and would probably die for the other if the situation called for it
but will that stop them from almost killing each other 24/7?
HELL NO
so they go to college together
along with all the upperclassmen (so matt+dan+allison+renee+seth) but not the monsters
andrew and neil have been together for a bit
they met around the same time kev and neil did so they've been together for a while (also while we're talking abt relationships, i don't ship renison ((am i the only one who believes that renee is a strong aro gal who don't need no man/lady/person)) but if you wanna make this renison, go ahead)
andrew goes to a different college tho ( for some reason i dunno)
and neil doesn't really like sharing stuff abt his personal life
we all know this
but a lot of the stuff he's done in his life involves andrew
so drew is brought up a fair amount
but when the upperclassmen ask who he is neil kinda just smiles and then moves on so they ask kevin and he's like
oh andrew is like one of my bffls he's a ride or die
(obviously not phrased like that)
and the upperclassmen r like 'ok he can be trusted he's a friend'
(little do they know hehhehhe-)
sO ONE DAY
kev is tryna forget all his issues
so he decides to get hella pissed
wasted like he's never been b4
probably cause thea broke up w/ him last week but we don't talk abt that okay shhhhhhh
so he goes to the next party alli throws and
let's say it together kids
gets wasted like he's never been b4
to the point where the upperclassmen don't really know wht to do with him????
so they call up neil like yo pick up kev he's drunk off his ass like always but we think he's doing it cause he's sad this time'
so neil, being the good and sweet angel (not) that he is
goes to pick up kevin
and like he finds him on a coach almost catatonic just rambling to himself
so neil picks him up and drags him away to his car
and ofc all the upperclassmen r trying to help
so while neil is putting kevin into his car kev randomly just stops talking
(which is weird cause he's kept rambling this entire time)
and he looks neil in the eyes and goes
'i love you neil'
and neil just like takes a second
pAuSeS
because he's not used to people showing him love even tho so many ppl rlly do love him (this boy is2g-)
and then quietly says
'love you too kev'
and finishes buckling him up
all the upperclassmen have been watching this going on the entire time and they read into in the exact wrong way
(they're trying their best, my baby dumbasses, but they're just wrong)
and think this is a romantic love confession between frenimies *instead* of the declaration of mutual respect and affection between 2 bro's that it is
matt is the first one to voice this after kev and neil leave and he is
PUMPED
he is super excited that his bro has found someone to love just like he found dan and is super excited to like talk abt love and go on double dates n stuff
and every one else agrees
which is why they're all super disappointed that by the time a week goes by, nothing has changed between them
so dan matt and allison decide to do something about it (renee+seth ducking out because'it's rude to meddle' and 'why tf would i care abt jostens love bullshit')
they try to set up kevin and neil a bunch of different time s
once with the offer of a study session that they all say they can't make it to, leaving neil and kevin alone
another time with the offer of kevin and neil going to the movies w/ matt and dan
(neil ends up busy w/ a skype date with andrew that he can't pass up cause they're always so busy and he has to see his boyf so kevin just ends up 3rd wheeling matt and dan)
and once with allison straight up just telling neil that he and kevin should get coffee some time
which neil respond to with
'we already get coffee together?'
so dan matt and alli are stumped
they don't know what to do with these 'lovesick' idiots
they're problem gets solved tho don't you worry
so the next weekend, andrew is gonna come over to psu and stay for like a week
neil is oVER THE MOON
HE IS SOO HAPPYYYYY
And kevin is really happy too
so the upperclassmen take this to mean that these boys have finally gotten the hint and asked each other out
so imagine they're suprise when the next time the group goes to get lunch (which they do with each other every wednesday )
a super short blond emo joins them
and no one really acknowledges it?!?!?!?!?!?
until renee is just like 'hello andrew, how are you?' knowing smile on her face
and the upperclassmen are just like 'oh it's the famous andrew, that makes sense' but then they're like 'wait how does renee know andrew?!?!'
they ask and renee is just like 'neil gave me his discord. he thought we'd get along well'
-and then they're just like okayyy renee totally has a crush but well let it slideee
uNTIL
at the end of lunch neil is just like 'oh wait i never properly introduced him-' -cause you're a mess, junkie' -fuck off andrew' then just turns to the upperclassmen and says
'guys this is my boyfriend andrew'
and the foxes just silently freak out
because neil is in love with kevin? it's so clear? why did neil go and get a boyf when he has his love right in front of him??????
so after lunch, matt dan and alli ask to talk to neil privately
(andrew, kev,and renee all talk together while seth like, looks at his phone)
and they're like 'neil why'd you get a boyf??'
and neils like 'wdym?'
and alli says 'why'd you get a boyf if your so obviously in love w/ kevin?!'
and neil just LAUGHS at them
straight up cackles
and then the upperclassmen are like whaaaaattttt????
we saw your declaration of love at the party??
and you're both really close and seem to genuinely like and be interested in each other??
what gives????
and neils like
'me n kev are besties
that was a platonic declaration of love
also
i'm demi and me and drew have been together for like 3 years now'
and the upperclassmen are just like 'ooooooooooooooooohhhhhh sorryyyyyyyyy'
it's the first time alli has ever lost a bet (it was w/ seth abt neils feelings for kevin)
neil tells andrew abt it and the shortie just snorts and is like 'kevin would fuck a racket quicker than he'd fuck you'
neil is like 'i'm basically exy personified tho, soooooo'
drew tells him to shut up
(he does when andrew asks yes or no, just nods his head and smiles)
renee knew all along and is happy for her friends
kevin just wants to play exy he's been deprived the entire post
So yeah that's the entire headcanon. If you want some music to listen to while you write or just in general i recommend "I lost a Friend" by FINNEAS and "Corduroy Dreams" by Rex Orange County. they don't really have anything to do with the story, they're just real good :) Thanks for reading. see y'all later
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lesbian-ed · 7 years
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🌸Hi, a few years ago when I was 16 (19 now)I was forced out to my friends by this homophobic girl, and I came out as bi (still in the closet to my family), I'm no longer friends with any of them, but I can't figure out what label I should have, I really want to just know who I am. I said to them I was bi, but I've never felt right with that label. I read about comp het and it makes so much sense to me, but I still don't know. 1/5
🌸I feel, like, attracted to male celebs, but only when they’re in films or tv, and watching interviews of them ruins it?, and whenever I’m around guys I get these thoughts I can’t control about kissing them and sleeping with them and I feel rlly self conscious, I said this to a friend who said it’s a crush, but I get it with people I don’t like at all 2/?
🌸 And sometimes I have a phase where I feel like I could date a guy and marry him and have kids and be happy but it feels like I’m imagining a perfect version of me that actually im not like at all? And as well I can only imagine myself with a young guy, once I think about a 30 yr old or older I don’t want it anymore, but the perfect fantasy seems so appealing idk 3/?
🌸I feel different about girls but I don’t know I’m catholic and I feel like it’s always been other people are gay and that’s ok but not me? And I don’t know whether I feel no attraction to girls or I’m pushing it down bc when I see girls kiss on tv I literally have started crying and I saw a lesbian couple in public once and I got butterflies and also Ive found myself changing pronouns in songs in my head without realising but I’ve never had close to a crush on anyone especially not a girl 4/5
🌸Ive never even met a gay girl except for one pan girl at school but she was really weird and rude so I don’t know what it’s supposed to be like to like someone? writing this all down it makes it sound like I’m definitely a lesbian but that scares me so much bc ill never have a normal life and I can’t shake this feeling that actually I do want to be with a guy but I’m trying to be interesting or I’m faking this or something. Pls tell me your thoughts on this 5/5
Oh, anon. This literally all feels as if my younger self came into my ask box just now to ask for advice. 
I understand your pain, I really do, I went through so many of the same thought processes you’re describing now. It’s good that you’re aware of compulsory heterosexuality, since I believe that will make sorting your feelings easier. Still, I recommend you look through our tag (if you haven’t already) to read more thoughts on this. It’ll help. 
I obviously can’t tell you what your sexuality is for you, that’s your own journey to make, but this sounds so much like my own experience that I’m pretty sure what the answer is already.
Anon, let me tell you a story, I went to a catholic school and while my parents are pretty liberal and not that religious (in fact, my dad’s an atheist) I was also raised with the idea that ok, there were gay people out there, and I didn’t care what other people did with their lives! But honestly that was kind of weird and I couldn��t be like them, because they weren’t normal, like I should be. I was bullied a lot as a kid, because I was weird and ugly and way too shy and easy to pick on, so I grew up with this idea that whatever else happened, I had to stop being like that, I had to be beautiful and normal and acceptable. And that of course included a perfect fantasy of marrying the man of my dreams after he fell in love with men when I suddenly grew up to be the most beautiful woman there was, and having kids, and holding down a successful job that I was happy doing and having lots of money and well, just having the most perfect life. How could I not want that? Ever since I was old enough to walk, society fed me the idea that this was my ideal endgame, how could we ALL not dream about that at some point? 
I used to be obsessed with those stories where the “ugly” girl suddenly turns beautiful and the Nice Perfect Popular Boy finally notices her and they get together, those stories were my dream life. As a kid and young teen I’d fantasize about them constantly, I’d make up characters that would always end up fulfilling those same tropes. It was the way to prove to all those who ever called me ugly or belittled me because I was nerdy that “see? I got the happy ending” so when I was twelve, and suddenly all the girls were having crushes on boys I felt nothing for, while I started noticing seemingly out of the blue just how incredibly beautiful so many girls my age and older were, I got veeery scared. I couldn’t like girls like that, I wasn’t like that, I was already weird and had no friends, so how could I ever hope to find a girl who liked girls who’d like me? And if I did, everyone already hated me, so how would I bear it? The stares and the insults and the danger we’d face if people saw us together on the street? So I pushed that attraction down as far as I could, I convinced myself I was actually just too inmature to start thinking about crushes and all that stuff, and obviously when I was mature enough and the time came, I’d like boys, because that’s what Normal Girls did right? And I had to be normal.
In my school’s equivalent of US’ eighth grade, a new boy came to our class, he was pretty, and friendly, and most importantly, blonde! and he was the school sports star! It felt like every movie-like fantasy I ever had come to life. Every girl was in love with him, so one time I had a dream where we were dating. I woke up being absolutely ecstatic, that must have meant I had a crush right? I liked a boy? I was definitely straight?
I never actually began feeling nervous around this boy, or looking at him any more than usual until I had this dream and decided that meant I was in love. I told a friend eventually because I was excited about being in love and the fantasy I had created for myself about our perfect relationship (which did involve us kissing and having sex, and I never actually felt turned on about it but I did imagine it a lot because it meant we were In Love, so those fantasies happen even if you don’t actually like like the person in question, dw!), and isn’t that what you do when you like someone? Gossip about it with your friends? She told some of my bullies and the dude found out, so he started laughing at me in the middle of the class and calling me ugly and saying he was traumatized at the mere idea of me liking him. 
And I… felt nothing. I was angry of course, and sad, but it was just the same anger and sadness I felt when some random I didn’t like made fun of me, it wasn’t even like what I felt when former friends said nasty stuff about me. And I wanted to be heartbroken I wanted to wallow in the misery and the drama of it, but I just wasn’t, it was the same “well this shit sucks and I’m angry about it but it happens everyday so wyd?” There was no deeper feeling there, not even any special resentment, there was nothing. I never felt anything ever again when I looked at this boy.
Now, sometime later, the same boy starts dating a girl from our class, and it was around the same time that I was coming to terms with the fact that the latent attraction I had started to feel for women when I was younger had never actually gone away but rather had grown. Things were purely about sexual attraction for me at that point, not romantic feelings. I hadn’t actually been in love with a girl either by that point. Because even tho I was accepting my sexual attraction to women, I still had the idea in my mind that ideally I would end up with a boy, because when so much of my hopes for the future relied of me being beautiful and a man falling in love with me forever and ever so that I could have a normal future, letting go of that dream took a while. I called myself bisexual for a while, only to realize very little later that it didn’t actually fit me. When I did, it was hard, because I had to re-come out again to my mom and the two friends I had told, and that really scared me, because I felt like some fake, like what I felt was not actually real. I put it off, and my friends & mom were accepting but they also were like “you’re just confused about your sexuality!!/this is just a phase!!” so that fed into my insecurities. Even when I realized I was sexually into women only, I still hadn’t fallen in love with one, so that made things more confusing for me (I hadn’t fallen for any boy other than the one I mentioned earlier and one I met on a vacation that thought I liked for like a week because he had a pretty voice and was pretty androgynous lmao, but again, no heartbreak when he went away)
Eventually, (funnily enough through fandoms and f/f ships and fics that depicted them in loving relationships, And I cried when I read about girls kissing too, at first I thought it was because I was a Good Straight Ally, but I was just a lesbian lmao) I realized that I could also be happy in a relationship with a woman, that it was not only a possible future for me, but one that I wanted, one that felt right, one in which I wouldn’t be the beautiful, perfect, feminine, smart, succesful career woman I had dreamed of as a kid, but in which I’d be me, with all my quirks and faults, with another woman with her own quirks and faults who’d love me for who I am, because that was possible! It was possible to be happy like that!. When I realized this, that me liking girls romantically and sexually, and exclusively girls was okay, it felt like a veil was lifted from my eyes. Suddenly, all the feelings and attraction I had thought I had felt for boys paled in comparison to the intensity of what I felt for women, I learned what actual sexual desire was like, I yearned for a future with a real me in it with a real woman by my side, instead of the fake ideal I’d wanted to be when I was younger. It was around that time I fell in love for the first time.
Remember how I mentioned the boy I used to “like” got a girlfriend? Well, guess who I fell for? Me and her were assigned seats together one year in high school, and I got to know her through the first term, every time liking her more and more, until one day, she just walks into class, and I think she did something different with her hair? Whatever it was, seeing her felt like someone punching the breath out of me, it felt like watching literal perfection embodied. And I was gone, I was just so so sooo gone. I felt sparks when we sat next to each other, I couldn’t stop smiling like a fool whenever I looked at her, she’d say something nice to me and it felt like my soul was flying out of my body. And of course it was idealized, it was a crush on a girl I didn’t know that well, but the feelings I had, I had for her, for her actual personality, her actual sweetness, her actual kindness, even her actual rashness sometimes, not the fantasy I had made up of her that I projected onto her like I did when I “liked” her boyfriend. I liked her as a person. Plus the intensity of both crushes was just so fucking different. When I liked her, I cried when we were apart and at the thought of her with her dumbass idiot boyfriend, I listened to a love song and could relate to it for the first time. I understood finally why people would write poetry and songs and do all sorts of crazy things for this feeling. 
Tldr: I also fantasized about the ideal boy and I was never able to allow myself to feel anything for a girl because of how much I had repressed my sexuality due to fear of backlash until I was able to recognize that yes, liking women was OK and then all my repressed feelings came pouring out like a tsunami. 
If that sounds like something you can kind of relate to, then that’s your answer anon. However, it might not be, or maybe you don’t know if it is yet. That’s alright! Sexuality can be complicated and it can take a long time to figure it out. You’re not on a deadline here, you don’t have to stress about it.
As for the normal part, yeah being a lesbian in this society sucks a lot. And I still get terrified of the idea that I will not be “normal” and that I can never be happy. Even if I know deep in my heart that I can never be happy with a man, sometimes I wonder if it’d be worth it to spare me the pain. The answer? Hell no, I’ve got one life, one, what’s the point of wasting it on loveless unfulfilled relationships when I could try to go for someone I’ll actually be happy with? There’ll be pain, of course there will be, I live in a small town and I’ve only just started meeting other lesbians & bi girls offline this year because I’ve gone to university, and I’ve only ever actually started talking to and becoming actual friends with the ones I knew online this year too because I was so terrified before! All of them tell me about their hurt, and how lesbophobia affects them a lot, and yet I see them talking about how much they love their girlfriends/wives (I don’t have that because I’m an awkward potato but I’m trying) and also other lesbians, and it gives me hope, because I can be just like them, finding genuine happiness amidst the pain.
I hope this answer helps you. 
Mod M :D 
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