#this is what Laurens looks forward to waking up to and going to sleep with every morning and night

[oh-saints]

bestie do we still get kt x singer reader?!🥲i need it after the anti-kt disappointment

for you, fellow KT bestie (does it rhyme???) who's been deprived of our lovely viking for far too long, i'd give it to youuu

change

being a female singer-songwriter in a very saturated industry, you work hard to get where you are now. but kieran works harder until he can call you his.

kieran tierney x singer!reader

word count: 2.0k

note: i gotta be honest... i tried so hard not to entertain this ask because my request's closed and i have so many left i haven't worked on yet, but an idea popped in my mind that i had to write it down. and in the light of us fellow KT girlies not being granted his appearance by mikel, which coincided with my bday week this time around, here it is! but as usual, i happen to write this at dawn so not beta-read yet.

the song included in this work is this.

“A record I must say,” Lauren, your agent, walked into your studio alongside your publicist with a cup of tea—dajeerling and brewing hot, no less, just the way you like it. “A birdie told me you haven’t pulled out all-nighter lately and chose to clock in early instead.”

“Morning to you, too, Lauren,” You pushed back your chair, straying away your eyes from the lined-up monitors on your work station. “Now, what’s wrong in being early?”

“As far as I can recall, you love your bed so much that you always try to spend your time there until it’s really time to go,” Lauren put your cup and your smoked-beef sandwich on the table standing in the middle of the room. “Am I right?”

You could only laugh at your agent’s long-standing experience of the countless times she had to drag you out of your bed so you could make it in time for radio promotions. She even went as far as preventing you from touching the bed when you were due for a red carpet, afraid you’d pass out and she had to extort physical means to get you wake up.

In your defence, you couldn’t help it. Inspirations come to you at unexpected times, and mostly they keep you up during the time when everybody’s asleep because you can’t not make something out of it while it lasts. They are what keep you afloat in this make-it-or-break-it industry, the root of your endless hits after hits, and precisely why your agent—although groaning while doing so—would still shake the sleep from your entire being relentlessly.

However, you couldn’t deny your agent’s astute observation that you had, indeed, been gracing your studio in normal time zone. Something that wasn’t exactly unheard of but definitely something that was missing from a gazillion years ago.

In fact, deep down, you actually surrendered yourself to the fact attack launched by Lauren because you were changing, for good. No longer were the days of grabbing instant meal kits, nights of recording and takeouts. And you have every reason to.

While the smoke of brewing hot tea was usually something you look forward to get your body and soul intact for the rest of the day, lately there had been another angelic sight freely occupying the other side of your bed—a sight you look forward to see the first thing in the morning, as soon as you open your eyes to the bright, blinding sun. Yet, you could swear the sight was even mesmerising than the sun itself.

The calm personified in Kieran Tierney when he was sleeping was something else. Eyes shut perfectly in a dome shape and eyelashes tickling his prominent cheekbones—it was a scenery you would definitely choose over the leather four walls of your studio.

Kieran when awake was already bedazzling as it is, but when you take away all the determination and worries, he simply looks like an innocent child sleeping, with those thin lips left agape and soft snores coming out in tune melodically with the chirping bird outside.

For that particular private viewing alone, if it meant you had to do patchworks to your usual unusual routine, you would gladly do it in a heartbeat. You’d enjoy the bonus of 5 extra minute to run the pads of your fingers along the lines of his facial structure, grazing inch and every bit of the strong features you’ve come to love the past months, tracing every crook and nook until nothing else left untouched.

You like to touch the end of his hairline and the beginning of his skin, creasing out the contracted muscle at your initial touch, down to his thick brows, the long eyelashes, protruding cheek bones and jaw lines, the apple chin… and your favourite of them all; the thin but healthily pink lips that always pouts in default but would turn into a megawatt smile whenever around you. It’d become your favourite ever since you noticed that particular perk only you had the privilege to own.

Your hands would draw back to the tip of his pointy nose, a feature he inherited from his patrilineal genetics, and he would scrunch the muzzle softly as if he was about to sniff before gaining consciousness slowly but surely. You’d come to realise it was marked by his 3-times blink before he groaned a sleepy, groggy good morning as he took in his surroundings.

And you’d laugh when he attempted to pull you into another tight cuddle, prolonging your lazing time on the bed by leaving pecks on the crown of your head, as if he didn’t have somewhere to go every morning without fail.

As much as you’d come to terms with the fact that you know now your way of dying—should you be able to choose—is to be engulfed in Kieran’s arms, basked in his signature mixture of natural odour and his favourite perfume, until you run out of breaths, Kieran’s athletic routine was the reason why you had to get up the same time as your boyfriend.

Because who could fall asleep again when you got to gawk on your shirtless boyfriend walking around your bedroom like he owned the place?

Certainly not you, not when the adrenaline was too high on certain times and all you had to focus was not to tackle your boyfriend in the bathroom so that you could have sex. He has a job to keep, and you have fans waiting for your next creation. So you channelled your overflowing energy into coming into the studio early—it wouldn’t be a surprise to anyone, really, if you exposed yourself that your next album would be solely inspired by your “burly yet soft like a teddy bear” lover.

If 5 years ago someone said to you that you’d undergo all these drastic changes, you’d laugh at their face. Your old self wouldn’t have approved of your decision on letting Kieran in to your life so fast in the first place.

Old you, who didn’t think of anything else but your budding career.

Old you, who was so afraid to lose whatever you had because of a stupid move, like your fellow musicians went wrong.

Old you, who thought you had too much at stake to think of something outside the music and your fans.

Old you, who learnt from your last ex-boyfriend that you had to fight your way up on your own.

“How’s the album going?” Lauren started off again, now her notes and iPad sprawled all over the table, and you took the hint to get serious. “Is there any samples we can hear of?”

“I do—”

And that was when you realise your phone—your other phone, to be exact; the one you bought for its music features so you could rest assured to keep your creative outlet as positive as possible—was nowhere to be found. Your morning commute only includes the likes of your house or Kieran’s house and work lately, so you’ve got no choice but to call your boyfriend.

“What’s up, babe?”

Kieran had made it a habit of his to rotate any pet name he could probably think of to call you. On any other circumstances, you would usually curl your fingers when someone called you by a sweet moniker of their choice—heck, your last ex fling even complained about your disdain to them. But rather than disgust this time, it was more at the weird sensation vibrating through your entire body that you found yourself rather liking them.

In fact, you had to give Kieran a big kudos for making the transition in their relationship relatively natural. While a lot of things escalated very quickly in your respective lives, it somehow felt like it just fell into their deserving place instead.

Kieran really meant it when he vowed he would prove her fears wrong, exactly the night when you decided to let him into your life.

“I left my other phone at home, can you bring them to my studio?”

“Sure thing, love,” And Lauren had to hold back her squeals when she noticed your blushing cheeks. “See you in a bit.”

Turned out, it wasn’t merely a bit to the Scotsman. How could he not be stunned when you pulled the rug from under his feet?

He was only supposed to call your other phone in order for him to bring the device to you, but as soon as he heard intently and closely to the caller ring you’ve put for him, he was rendered speechless.

The very reason why your relationship with Kieran took off on a very long slow burn into what they were now was because you were initially very averse at the idea of romantically involved with anyone. Not after what your ex had done to you, and Kieran went into diving fully realising and acknowledging the part. He’d come to embrace your flaws and your imperfections, no matter how much you hate them, because it’s what made you… you. And he wouldn’t have it any other way.

Including your lack of verbal affection.

The irony, Kieran would laugh at the revelation, but it didn’t matter in his opinion because it didn’t particularly equal to not meaning you love for him. You crumbling down the longstanding Berlin Wall between them was enough of a proof that you felt the same way as him.

He had before long accepted the idea that you were not fond of grandiose gestures from your significant other, nor did you like doing so to your partner. You belonged rather to the kind of people who liked spending time closely with their respective partner, be it candle-lit dinner in the iconic Aviary or be on the phone call with him for hours when he was on an away match–didn’t matter for you, really.

You preferred to express her affection into a set of discreet actions; you could be found constantly holding his hand whenever you had the chance, playing with his hair, juggling between touching the side of his face and feeling the growing stubbles on his jaw.

When he was on an away game, you would send an Uber Eats for him and whoever his roommate at that time, a little supportive note from you would be slipped in the packaging with a help of the deliveryman. Now, being Kieran’s roommate was a spot worth fighting for amongst his teammates. And recently, you let Kieran stay over in your flat every now and then.

The action spoke more than volume, per Kieran’s standard of your love for him. It might not be much, but for Kieran, it meant no more walls, no more hesitation.

So when his ears picked up the lyrics of the caller ring, Kieran was left breathless. It was a crude song, not yet mastered, so he knew it was something she only recently produced, but it was what made the effect booming throughout his body became 10 times shuddering.

I remember like it was yesterday

First kiss and I knew you changed the game

You have me, exactly, well you want it,

And I'm on it

And I ain't ever gonna let you get away

Holdin' hands never made me feel this way

So special, boy it's your, it's your smile

We so in love

You had never been fluent in articulating her feeling into words of either written or spoken form, at least to Kieran’s face, but this song–it pretty much contained every description of what you felt towards him, practically a song to profess your love to him in a very discreet way.

You are my baby love, my baby love

You make the sun come up (Oh boy, oh boy)

You're my every, everything that I could ever dream of

You are my baby love, my baby love

You make the sun come up (Oh boy, oh boy)

You're my every, every, every, everything

Been a minute and we still holding it down

Butterflies every time you come around

You make me, so crazy

It's crazy, oh baby

And I don't ever wanna be with no one else

You're the only one that ever made me melt

You're special, boy it's your, your style

We so in love

Kieran’s heart was galloping so fast it could outmatch any stallion in their prime. He could actually feel the depths of your unspoken love and affection towards him from the song, from your voice alone, despite the still-lacking quality of the product. But god damn…

If this was the aftereffect of being serenaded by you, in all of your glorious words about how you feel towards him, Kieran didn’t think he could survive another, should you make another song for him.

#anon asks #oh-saints answers #oh-saints writes #oh-saints writes requests #kieran tierney #kieran tierney fanfic #kieran tierney fic #kieran tierney fics #kieran tierney fanfics #kieran tierney fanfiction #kieran tierney fluff #kieran tierney x you #kieran tierney imagine #kieran tierney imagines #kieran tierney blurb #kieran tierney blurbs #kieran tierney drabble #kieran tierney oneshot #kieran tierney one shot #footie fics #footballers x you

[formulax]

a call, where nothing in particular is really resolved: a first person present tense venture into sibling dynamics

I come to the realization, after a few rounds of ringing, that I am calling my sister. I come to the realization also that it was somehow an automatic response to look for her number in my phone, out of everyone else I could have possibly called. Why not call Claire? It is something I don’t immediately understand—and then I realize, I know Claire can’t help me here. Only Jenny Monroe can help me here, which is a sentence I did not expect to think to myself anytime soon.

It takes a moment for Jenny to pick up the phone. It’s nearing ten o’clock at night, and I don’t know how late she stays up. So I lean forward, bounce my leg, and wait.

“Chris, is everything okay?” She picks up. Her voice is tired, but forming a nervous tone that seems to wake her up just enough. “Is something wrong? What’s wrong?”

“Nothing’s—don’t worry. Don’t freak out,” I say. The words stumble ungracefully from my mouth. “I’m just... calling.”

There is a pause. “Why?”

“I’m alone in the... I don’t know. Lauren’s out with friends. I don’t know.” It’s hard to vocalize what I want; I hardly even know what I want.

I hear a sigh, and then some rustling. “Okay. I’ll go to the living room. Kevin’s out like a light,” she says. She doesn’t seem irritated, but it’s hard for me to tell.

“Did I wake you up?” I ask, pulling at a stray thread on my pajama bottoms.

“No, I wasn’t sleeping yet. Mom sent a text about me hosting the next party.” Here, her voice drops. I huff, intentionally audible, and roll my eyes. Jenny clicks her tongue in disapproval. “Don’t do that, Chris. I know we’re not letting them boss us around, but mom has arthritis, she can’t cook and host like she used to. I still want to be nice.”

“You hate cooking,” I remind her, my eyebrows raised. I lean back on the couch, put my feet up on the coffee table. “You always start yelling at people when you cook.”

“Kevin tells me that every time too. Am I really that bad?”

“And you get a little insane when you host.”

“What—what does that mean?”

I find a memory immediately, and pull it forward. I have been sitting on it for a while, as one of my best Jenny stories. “I remember once, you shoved a drink into my hand and told me to have fun or else you’d fucking kill me.”

“I don’t... remember that.”

I grin, and laugh. “You probably blacked out,” I joke. Jenny doesn’t laugh, and we sit in silence for a few seconds. My smile fades. “Jen? Should I not have brought it up?”

“Oh, no, I—I just—I’m sorry I said that,” she mutters. I get the sense that she is not ready to joke about herself, not totally. I’m not sure I’d be ready to joke about myself, either. I scramble for my next words.

“Look—do what you want, but don’t let mom guilt trip you into doing something that will make you upset. Marnie can host the party. Or Sam. I could go on,” I tell her, recalling our similar-aged cousins.

“Have you seen the newest pictures of Marnie’s twins? I can’t believe they’re six now! I’ll—I’ll email them to you.” Jenny swerves the conversation, and for a moment I consider bringing it back. But I see no reason to keep pushing, and so, I let it go.

“I would love to see the newest JCPenney photoshoot pictures of cousin Marnie’s twins. I love seeing the annoyed looks on their little six year old faces, in their corny little coordinated outfits. It’s adorable,” I drone, smiling again. This time, Jenny lets out a chuckle.

“Shut up. They’re cute kids.”

“Right, right.” I shift again, to lay down on the couch. I stare at the ceiling, and start to notice my eyes drifting to one side. I grunt. “Shit.”

“What?”

I take off my glasses, and close my eyes as the full tilting effect hits me. “Vertigo, I moved too fast,” I groan, kicking my foot in defeat.

“Shit.” I can sense Jenny’s urge to speak through the phone. Just as I open my mouth to let her, she gives in. “Have you still not figured out anything that works for you? I thought Claire was supposed to—”

“Hey, hey, Jen. I’m fine. I’m getting better. She’s hooked me up with a type of physical therapy, and I think it’s helping. I...” I hesitate, not sure if I want to admit this quite yet. I sigh. “I might start thinking about driving soon.”

I get the reaction I just about expected. “What? Really? Are you sure? I mean—you haven’t driven in—and your vertigo, it’s—are you sure?” I can picture her biting her nails and frowning. I can also picture, of course, the same carnage she is picturing.

“I’m just thinking about thinking about it, don’t get too nervous, okay? I’d need to do lessons and tests, et cetera,” I try to reassure her. She pauses to think.

“...Okay.” I smile. She has changed a lot. “But I know you hate driving. You always hated driving.”

“No,” I correct her, “I hated driving with dad.”

“God, right.” Jenny huffs. “Why is it that our conversations always find their way back to our parents? We’ve got to have more in common than the people who raised us. At some point, passing these stories back and forth doesn't make me feel better anymore. Just worse. I don’t know about you.” Jenny speaks here with a determined anger, pronouncing words with harsh snaps. But then, she lets out a breath, and she softens. “Chris, why did you call me? Just for this?”

I open my eyes. The vertigo has passed. “I told you, I don’t really know. I just called. I’m waiting for Lauren to get home,” I say, frowning. But there is something more, I know it. I am reaching for something. For what? I grind my teeth as I try to search for it.

“Is it about Lauren? Are you nervous about her? Where is she?” Jenny’s questions are monotone, methodical, but she is asking them too quickly, and I can tell she’s unnerved.

“I... she’s driving around with friends. I want—I want her to come home. I want her to be home,” I say, laying a hand over my chest. My breaths grow shallow, and my eyes water. And suddenly, I have found the thing I was looking for, the missing emotion, the cause of my unrest. “Do you ever get that?”

“Oh.” Jenny pauses to sigh; it’s a heavy, burdened sigh. “Oh, Christopher, of course I get that. Do you know how hard it is not to call her, every hour, every day? She used to be just a room away.”

I inhale and wipe my eyes, before I let myself get any worse. “She’s having fun, I—I can’t just make her come back,” I reason, pausing for a response, for instructions. Jenny hums.

“No, you shouldn’t.”

“But when she’s not here, when I can’t see her, it feels like the end of the world!” Despite my vertigo, I have a sudden urge to stand; I obey it, and begin to pace and wave my free hand. “I’ve been trying to distract myself since she left, and I just—I can’t! I’m alone, in this house, and I can’t do anything but sit and wait, and drive myself insane, because when she’s not with me she’s not... with me!”

“Okay, Chris,” Jenny slows her voice into something calm and motherly, “you’re going to be okay. Both of you are going to be okay.”

“Jenny, don’t—” I laugh anxiously and bring a hand to my face, “don’t therapy me. Please. I am perfectly aware that I’m being irrational.”

“Well—” Jenny is trying hard, I can tell, not to get frustrated. “Well, Christopher, I’m not sure what else you want me to say, I mean...”

“You don’t need to fix it,” I shout, anxiety stirring my heart. I am aware on some level how ungraceful I’m acting, but the stress is pulling my filters down, and the regret comes after. I pinch the bridge of my nose and curse. “Sorry. Maybe I should hang up.”

“No—Chris, it’s fine. We can keep talking. You can keep talking.”

It’s an offer I didn’t expect from her, and for a few moments I can only be stunned. Every day, I find myself surprised by the human capacity for change. It’s a corny thought, but a true one nonetheless. And so, I say something cornier. Something that surprises me, about myself.

“I love you,” I say, and then I slump back onto the couch. I get nervous, embarrassed; I don’t want to let it hang for too long, don’t want to turn it into something significant, so I keep talking. My face is hot. The words spill out. “I feel so selfish, I feel like a bad parent, when I get like this. And I’ve been getting like this a lot since she’s gone back to school, it’s—it’s not even that I’m overly afraid of her getting hurt, or in some kind of trouble, I just... want to see her, I want to be in the same room with her, I want to know that she’s there and I don’t ever want her to leave and it makes me feel sick because I don’t want to be mom and dad, I don’t want to hover and suffocate and—and be so obsessed like they were but god, Jennifer, my chest feels so tight and I can’t breathe sometimes and I was away for so long and I have this need, this unrelenting, terrible need to be as close as possible or else I’ll fucking explode! God... dammit!”

I slump forward and drag a hand down my face as I pause to breathe. The other line is silent, for a few more seconds, but I don’t pay any mind to her silence. I let myself cry.

And then: “You’re not mom and dad.” It’s a quiet, hesitant statement, but Jenny’s tone rises easily. “You told me not to fix it, but you’re just not... mom and dad. And I’m only saying it because you’re being fucking stupid. And I love you, too.”

My body tenses, and something bubbles up to my throat, and then I let out a horrid, sudden cackle. I double over, hanging my head, and I laugh.

“Hey!” she snaps at me. “What’s so funny about that? What’s wrong with you?”

“I don’t—” I stomp my foot and cover my mouth. “I don’t know!”

“Stop fucking laughing you asshole—” She begins to giggle. “I’m being nice to you!”

“I know!” I force out some breaths. “It just feels so weird! Why am I calling you?”

“I don’t know, why did you call me?”

“Because you’re my sister, and—” I snort, “and I love you!”

Both of us burst into another round of violent laughter. My side begins to hurt, and I return to a sprawled out position on the couch. As I laugh, the bottled nervous energy drains from me, finding a new home as sound waves from my now-hoarse voice, bouncing around the dimly lit living room.

“Chris—Chris,” Jenny manages, finally. “Again, we’re back to goddamn mom and dad.”

I realize she’s right, and I scoff. “They haunt the dark recesses of our minds, Jen, of course we’re back to mom and dad,” I say, voice flat. I kick my feet up on the couch’s armrest.

“Well, I’m just saying, as someone who ended up parenting too much like them, I know what you’re saying. I think. In a way, but...”

“Alright. Am I fucked up?”

“Oh thoroughly.”

I smile. “Thanks, Jen.”

“For—for what?”

“I don’t know,” I admit, settling further into the couch. There’s a warmth in my chest, a cheesy fuzziness that makes me chuckle to myself again. The phone is quiet against my ear. I can tell she’s smiling too.

“I just want you to know, that this whole call is fucking disgusting.”

“Oh, it’s so gross.” I mock-gag. “Ew, feelings, let’s talk about cousin Marnie and her twins again in their little matching six year old outfits.”

“And her useless fucking husband,” Jenny spits, “that never lifts a fucking finger.”

I gasp and sit up. “Wait—what? Scott? I thought we liked Scott!”

“We do not fucking like Scott.”

“What happened, he was doing so good!”

“Weaponized. Incompetence.”

“Elaborate.”

#the door #my writing #my ocs

[prinnamon]

arlen's mind notes! mostly ground that was already covered by @spiderh0rse's arlen's mind notes, but i'm enjoying documenting my mindverse journey too.

EPISODE 1

unlike barney, Arlen relies on An Actual Alarm Clock instead of trusting his roommates to wake him

barney snores loud as fuck and is an extremely heavy sleeper (arlen tries and fails to wake him. in Mind of Ryan, Ryan claims to have done the same.)

arlen doesn't remember what he did last night, but his back hurts

says he doesn't give a fuck about barney

arlen wonders if he's the person who hates mornings the most in the world. sure, i believe it. maybe he really is the specialest boy in the universe.

"washes" his hands in the backed-up flooded sink water. thinks this is acceptable. disgusteng.

the vending machines eat his money. he is very upset that his snack and soda are gone (stolem). at least he tried to eat something for breakfast, but as a mindverse character, he is simply not allowed.

KATE! WE GET TO SEE KATE! i hadn't realized she'd be physically present. i'd assumed she was a Phantom Girlfriend like Lauren from Barney's Mind who we'd never actually get to meet.

is a little groggy and dismissive of Kate. immediately starts worrying that he sounded like an asshole.

"why do we need… a ramp… and stairs here?" arlen. buddy. c'mon.

"what the hell's going on here? what are they gonna do when they come to these stairs?" ok, he has a point about this one actually. why is there only a ramp in one spot

also, though, why does he find this worth remarking upon? he's not new here. that's first day/week talk.

jokingly predicts the alien invasion pretty accurately. expects to be the sole survivor. is looking forward to that outcome.

hates work. me too bud

walks into work, sees people having tech problems, and tells them "try a reboot if you have not." if i was one of his coworkers i would strangle him for that. you get here late and you honestly think we haven't tried turning it off and on again? perish at my hands loser

"i'm not a computer expert. i just press keys and then it works." ipad baby 🫵

sees Gordon driving in. does not recognize him but immediately clocks him as someone who "thinks he owns the place"

falls asleep on the job. maaaybe talks in his sleep, but it's always unclear in these series whether the dialogue is meant to be seen as spoken or internal.

wakes up with a headache.

shoots the vortigaunts reflexively before they even move to attack him.

extended string of "that did not just happen. did that happen—? that never happened."

his name is TJ. his dead coworker's name is CJ. i want all of the guards he encounters to be named something along these lines. PJ. DJ. AJ. it would be so funny

he has a radio that actually lets him communicate with sector G's management, holy shit. only character with functioning radio equipment???

hears that Sector F has sent in similar reports to what he just encountered and immediately starts running to see if Kate's okay. so for all that talk about how everyone aggravates him, he does really care, at least about her.

EPISODE 2

arlen is one of very few who actually takes a moment to really get close and examine the aliens he kills, trying to figure out what's up with them instead of running straight by.

he says "i know i just saw something" often.

extremely aware. has not given any aliens an opportunity to attack him yet. which isn't to say he's shooting them immediately for no reason; he has some pretty obvious clues to the fact that they are hostile, like the dead bodies and the headcrab zombies.

the extreme awareness continues even when there's nothing to be aware of. at this point, he's just on constant high alert.

calls things "gay" if they are of no use or interest to him

"i want a soda, and i have a gun." [shoots vending machine; it breaks and soda cans fall out] "and now i have a soda, too." probably most charming bit so far

Sprite drinker. excitedly tabs over to a spreadsheet called "mindverse character soda preferences"

shooting crates open in search of treasure chests. buddy. what???

forgot about Kate. feels bad for forgetting about Kate.

a couple times, he's taken a sort of "serves them right" position about people he's found dead. wonder if he really feels that way or if it just helps him cope.

doesn't shoot the houndeyes right away! waits for them to explode his ears with their psychic attack before he starts blastin'

thinks the soundwave made his kidney explode

Kate is his entire motivation for trying so hard. "i'm worried about her, and if i don't do this, i'll forever wonder if i could've helped her."

thinks it's incredibly unfair that aliens get to break the laws of physics and he doesn't!

would be pretty embarrassed if he survived an alien apocalypse and then died from a heart attack.

EPISODE 3

"calm. calm. calm. I'MGONNAKILLEVERYBODY. calm. calm." takes second place for my favorite line.

straight up that is an arcade and not a restroom. awesome but where do i piss.

"i'm not sure whether to be more upset that we're wasting money on something like this—an arcade—or that nobody ever told me about it." feels very left out and excluded.

has been trying to get the company to issue him a new gun for two months since his broke.

sees or possibly hallucinates a floating headcrab.

sees the barnacle ahead of time. guns down the nearby zombies before he can see what it does to them, but is curious enough that he gets close enough for it to wrap around his neck and choke him for a second. this stuns him, hurts really bad, and leaves him with headache #2.

says "i'm not evil! it's me! tj arlen!" as if the military would just hear that and be like ohhh okay! hey everybody, no worries, we got tj here!"

is so scared he mispronounces his own middle name

killed two people (out of necessity) and seems dead certain he's going to hell now

EPISODE 4

brands himself a "homicidal maniac" after, again, killing exactly 2 people in self-defense.

never before considered the idea that he might actually kill anyone.

slams his nose into the wall in his panic as he runs from more grunts shooting at him. gets more upset than i've heard him get in this entire series. thinks his nose is broken!

aware that he would die if he fell, but evidently not afraid of heights. just enjoys the view.

NOT having fun. does NOT like murdering people. …DOES like watching blood splatter against the wall (immediately feels bad and wrong for thinking that)

forgets how much the situation sucks for just a moment to be impressed with his own ability to shoot down a turret from a distance.

he says "god hold me" instead of "god help me." i have not heard that one before.

wishes kate was here… not that he was with her wherever she is but that she was with him where he is. would feel more comfortable and confident in his ability to get through this if he was with her. shows that he thinks of her as trustworthy and competent, probably more so than himself.

has played minecraft. associates exploding creatures with creepers

recognizes the gman even at a glance. wants NOTHING to do with him and will NOT ask for his help.

after his first encounter with a bullsquid, he gives up trying to make sense of anything that's happening to him.

says "back to my life as a mole" when he has to go back in the vents to progress

"explosions are fun! especially when they murder people." i think he's just saying words recreationally now because this is directly contradictory to the previous characterization in this same episode. i highly doubt the last four minutes were enough time for him to spiral into madness etc etc.

i will admit he is killing and quipping with a little more enthusiasm now and saying things like "i wonder if there's anybody down here to kill." concerning.

EPISODE 5

recognizes the tram, but has never learned how to operate one.

casually steps backwards off of the moving tram. is not hurt in the process. smooth moves

dismayed to realize he may now be a conspiracy theorist. quickly rationalizes his way out of it so he can go on feeling content that he's not One Of Them.

briefly entertains the idea that he's dreaming.

bullsquid spit RIGHT in his eye! horrible! he sounds like he's in more pain than when he broke(?) his nose, which is saying a lot, and there's a visual effect to show how badly it's messing up his vision.

broke his arm before. his eye hurts worse than that.

particularly terrified when he sees an alien grunt. probably in no small part due to having just watched it absolutely eviscerate another guard. reeeally wants to believe it doesn't exist.

creeped out when rachel, another guard, won't talk to him. she does just kinda stare at him and then follow him around. i'd be a little creeped out, too.

rachel gets killed, and he finds a blood-covered radio and a note among her things that. auuuugh. dumps a whole bunch of exposition which i found it really hard to focus on. he reads it while walking. okay i don't want to but i've gotta re-listen and try to parse that because it sounded plot-critical

arlen learns from this note that the marines and special forces are trying to apprehend gordon freeman, who needs to be warned. he learns that the marines were ordered to kill black mesa employees and that the special forces were ordered to do the same as well as kill the marines.

the radio he picked up allows him to communicate over a secret secure channel, since the special forces are monitoring the default channel.

somehow he knows the special forces "are like ninjas" despite not having encountered them yet

thinks he's as good as dead if the special forces are after him.

calls in over the radio and manages to reach his friend (jordan/jordon) from sector g. jordan asks after rachel. when he learns that she didn't make it, jordan tells arlen to take up her mission and warn gordon freeman.

yet again, he's fixing other people's fuck-ups! he feels this has been the story of his life since he started working at black mesa.

has absolutely no clue where he is in the facility until he lands in loading bay d, which he recognizes immediately

knows right away that it's freeman in the hev suit despite not having been told what he would look like. maybe this means he actually did know gordon beforehand? mneh. i will make my own canon about this since it feels inconsistent

EPISODE 6

HEV training flashback! …why does Arlen receive HEV training instead of guard training?

"door, why you no open?"

wonders how Black Mesa can "keep bitching about how they're underfunded" when they can afford training holograms.

his high school had a "positive parent" initiative with a $5 membership fee.

he considers his high school "the poor kids' school."

surprised and dismayed by the fact that there are scientists monitoring his training. would rather no one be watching. (arlen what do you think happens in that scenario if you hurt yourself)

"this isn't like i'm going to be training to be a black op." arlen? hello?? a black op???

says he's receiving this training in case they run out of scientists to do a certain job. and holy SHIT that's ominous to me. like the administration knew there might be a shortage of survey team members. like they knew that losing them was a possibility and were preparing backup survey team members. it's just. aaaaa it's so fucked up do you understand how fucked up it is. am i explaining it right

jokingly ponders whether they're invading an alien planet. is pretty correct except for the part about the purpose being so that they can cure cancer. nah i think they did it just to do it. but good on him for his miniscule amount of faith in the administration at least having benevolent intentions

you can't say that white baby.

"you know you're a sad case when you talk to yourself this much." AHA. so at least some of your dialogue IS spoken and not just internal.

says the long jump module goes around his arm. i don't… i don't like that. is that true? i thought it went around their torso somewhere. like a jetpack. does it go on their arm?? is he getting that from somewhere or just making it up??? i guess it looks a little small to go around your whole body, but i feel like you'd tear your arm out of its socket every time you used it if it was a thing on your arm. i've decided he's wrong about this. he's doing it wrong

he does like the long jump module a lot. wants to keep it. not above stealing it if he can get away with it.

tries and fails to step on the cockroaches he sees. hates them. manages later to smash one with a crowbar.

happy for the opportunity to break crates at work.

makes reference to slenderman. lists a number of things he think slenderman does. says he never found him scary.

extremely happy that he gets to do weapons training as part of this but wonders why the hell scientists need to be trained with weapons

tries for way too long to shoot through the glass that says "UNBREAKABLE" in big yellow letters.

he hates swimming because he does not like to be wet. actually thinks it's awesome as long as he's wearing a waterproof suit

UNDERWATER MUMBLING 🙌

INCOHERENT WHIMPERING 🙌

was sick the day they told people how to use the trams. gives up.

ponders kicking barney out of the dorm for the night since he can stay with lauren instead.

barney hates snakes. arlen would happily use this knowledge against him.

EPISODE 7

back to the present. he lives!!!

he wakes up somewhere completely different. looks like a wind tunnel. his radio, flashlight, and weapons have all been taken.

moving hurts. very bad.

seems to remember everything that has happened to him. upset to learn that the aliens weren't a dream.

his wound. isn't bleeding. at all. i guess

he was shot somewhere in the torso, because apparently his shirt is over the wound and tight enough to act like a bandage.

i'm gonna go ahead and say gman intervened to prevent him from dying. or, uh, gmind. cia guy. you know him. but anyway, the special forces had a clean shot at him. and there's no way they would have moved what they thought was his corpse to that random tunnel and left him alone without checking at any point to make sure he was dead. a certain somebody is definitely lookin out for him.

his priorities: get a gun, get a car, get Kate, get the fuck out.

lets out a little startled yell each time he fires the shotgun.

starting to like the adrenaline rush (of killing? of being in danger? i assume he means the former, but he kinda doesn't specify!)

would like to capture an alien and keep it as a pet. it would make him feel badass. that's his new back-burner priority.

still terrified of alien grunts but just says "holy pancake!" this time instead of letting out an extended scream like he did earlier.

houndeyes remind him of dogs. wonders if he can "train one to be a dog."

"they're like creepers in minecraft, only they don't self-destruct." so they're nothing like creepers then, man. why are you like this. why do you say the things that you do.

the pain had faded into the background. when he gets to a first aid station and gets some morphine, it finally registers with him again how much pain he was in.

i can barely hear him during this section over the music and gunfire, but he repeatedly shouts "evasive maneuvers!" which is very funny. it's like audibly going "stealth!" while trying to hide

the military is deliberately blocking the parking garage in an effort to prevent people from leaving. sucks!

dead survey team member? whuh huh?? what are you doing here???

has zero idea how to pick up women. no clue how he ended up with kate. seems like he earnestly Does Not Remember.

sees that the metal detectors didn't go off when bullets (metal) passed through them and naturally assumes they are inoperative. decides to step through to test this theory. they go off. nice going, dipshit <3

EPISODE 8

hit in the head with a brick. the turrets have been beeping nonstop for fifteen minutes, despite not thinking it'll work, he snaps and pops out of his hiding spot to shoot it.

admonishes the scientists for not taking the guns on the ground.

glass in his arm from when the houndeye soundwave shattered the window! not as bad as when he cut himself on dried shredded cheese. makes a "sharp cheddar" joke. awesome

shocked by the vortigaunts' ability to speak. ready to hear em out until it starts attacking. listens to the next one and argues/converses with it! does not kill em afterward!

starts wondering if the other aliens will talk to him. hesitant to kill them now.

bemoans the fact that the security guard team is a glorified IT department, fixing every problem around the facility.

"i did NOT go to engineering school! if your fucking elevator will not work, i can't help you."

has apparently had his pay reduced for not fixing things he doesn't know how to fix. awful hellworld stuff. not that people aren't justified in sleeping at all jobs, but i can especially see why he sleeps at this job.

balancing on a distressingly small ledge.

got called to the biology department to solve a computer issue. after three hours, he was finally able to determine that a power strip was plugged into itself instead of into the wall.

simmons and walter cameo!!! arlen calls simmons "simms." maybe they know each other decently well. neither walter nor simms has heard from kate, unfortunately. but they do have health goo! arlen loooves being injected with health goo <3

running still really hurts.

simms fucking DEAD! oh, false alarm. no body, so arlen assumes simms got kidnapped.

arlen fails his stealth check and gets kicked off a ledge instead of pushing the soldier off. oopsieeee. yknow gmind really has his work cut out for him protecting this guy because arlen really is the struggler

EPISODE 9

unfortunately growing accustomed to this cycle of fighting for his life for a while, being knocked unconscious, and waking up somewhere else with no weapons.

wonders how he's still alive! if he was the army, he'd have killed him by now for sure.

earlier, he thought he was meant to die. now he realizes he's so lucky not to have died by now, maybe he's meant to live. maybe even some alien overlord is looking out for him. …naaaah. probably not. :3

breezes past a human head and leg on the ground and says shortly thereafter he didn't see any bodies in that room. wow. blood splatters and human remains are really just blending right into the scenery for him, huh.

he has a headache again. and his side still hurts from where he was shot. and his legs hurt from falling. he's got a lot of problems right now.

"walk up in the club and be like. what up. i got a pet rock"

proud of having blown up a helicopter, but concerned that it makes him an even bigger target.

"i'd rather be freezing than burning!" me too, man. i miss cold.

"and i thought i needed medication before this." tj arlen you will always be famous

EPISODE 10

he's still amazed at the ease with which he guns down military grunts. concludes that they must be expecting him to be unarmed.

it is not 2016. i will bite you.

at some point, he had fingerless gloves. now he doesn't. anyway i thought that was interesting.

time is getting weeeird for him due to the duration he's spent unconscious.

he considers morphine his "drug of choice." was that true before everything, or did it become true during the events of the game?

"okay. i understand now. everything these past few days is just my interpretation of what happened. it's why all the clocks don't have hands." so much fucked-up and inexplicable shit has happened to him that he no longer has any faith in the accuracy of his perception of reality. awesome! 😁

"it feels like i've been here for years, but if i really think about it—GRRAAHHGH. …if i really think about it,"

regretting not having tried to hotwire the car he found earlier.

maybe he should give up trying to find kate.

maybe he's in hell. wonders if he could have avoided this by being more religious.

believes religious texts are written by governments.

"but really, i'm not enlightened or better than everyone else. i just like to think i am but pretend i'm down-to-earth and a good-hearted person. was that what i was supposed to realize? i guess not, 'cause i kind-of already knew that. i'd be lying to myself if i said i didn't." feels like much of his life before all this was sorta. operating under several layers of playing pretend. deep down, he knows he's not better than anyone else, but he tries to tell himself he is, but he tries to seem humble to others?

says Kate doesn't truly matter to him. feels he should have valued her more. i don't think i believe him. im clinging to what he said in episode 4, that he wished she was there. he's always talking about her! and someone who really didn't care, i dunno, i don't think they'd be so worried about whether they cared enough.

bad relationship with his dad. complicated relationship with his mom.

suddenly talking like he thinks he's the worst guy in the world—like he brought all these bad things upon himself by being a bad person, by acting wrong in other areas of his life.

ah. yeah. the morphine is likely not a new thing. had a drug problem before this. hurt friends and lost relationships he cared about because of it.

this whole self-awareness thing sucks. he wants to go back to lying to himself even harder.

ready to stop existing. how can he stop existing.

making fun of the vortigaunts. starts entertaining himself by rhyming random words, then by narrating his situation and rhyming as he does so.

disappears down a pipe. he went out like super mario. godspeed buddy o7

EPISODE 10 (POST-CREDITS)

HE'S IN A FUCKING TUBE?

WHAT IS THIS.

what the fuck happens in azure sheep

sick gurgles, though

they let him out of his tube

kate saves his ass!!!

different kate model. i like this one less. give her back her glasses how will she see. give her back her vest she needs that.

arlen says "where are we going now?" and kate very faintly responds "heaven :3". i'm in shambles. that one word is all the characterization i'll ever get for her beyond how much arlen wants to save her but tbh it's so cute. that's enough., That's enough. WHO VOICED HER THOUGH BECAUSE KATE'S VA WASN'T IN THE CREDITS. WHO SAID THAT!?!?!?

what a strange first thing to say upon reuniting with your partner. weirdgirl kate reigns supreme.

i realized the other day that, despite featuring arlen, mind of ryan directly contradicts the canon of arlen's mind. if barney was around for ryan, who drove into work from off-site, to try and wake up, barney couldn't have been sleeping in the dorm with arlen. so yeah, there's not just the "too few beds and too little space in the dorm for three people to sleep comfortably" issue, there's "ryan straight-up claims he slept last night at the same off-site location as barney which is not possible in the same world as the one in which arlen's mind takes place." and i know the real answer to all this is "dravenmario wanted to pay homage to the series that inspired him, not necessarily be fully canon-compliant with that series," but i still. i dunno. thought it was mildly interesting and worth noting.

next i'll probably watch shephard's mind or chell's mind (the one by CyhAnide, although i do eventually plan to check out the Rychotech one).

#arlen... he took a while to grow on me. his slur to episode ratio is pretty high and i found the first few episodes difficult to focus on. #partially a fatigue issue. i was watching late at night. i also don't think i'm the biggest fan of the mod azure sheep #i could not piece together the plot #i like kate though. or the idea of her at least. smiles #prinna's posts #prinna's machinima notes #arlen's mind #arlens mind #tj arlen #tod arlen #mindverse kate #kate mindverse

[breakerwhiskey]

136 - ONE HUNDRED THIRTY SIX

Please visit breakerwhiskey.com for more information or to send a message to Whiskey's radio. Breaker Whiskey is an Atypical Artists production created by Lauren Shippen. If you'd like to support the show, please visit patreon.com/breakerwhiskey.

Transcript under the cut. For more episodes, click here.

[click, static]

I thought getting some sleep and getting out of the city might help me clear my head, that I’d wake up and have a cup of coffee and look at the photos I took and they’d be…normal.

They’re not. They’re exactly as they were when I last looked at them, which is to say…not normal. Those people—those ghosts—are still there and I’ve spent nearly an hour looking at all of them as closely as I possibly can, trying to find any kind of clue as to what they are. None of the faces—as much as I can see them—are familiar, but I guess that’s not a surprise. I’ve never been to Colorado.

But the thing that—I mean, it’s better this way, but the thing that has me truly scratching my head is…well, now that I have these polaroids, some part of me expected to look closely and find all the peoples’ eyes wide in terror, their mouths open in a scream. If this is some kind of…remnant of whatever happened here, shouldn’t there be a trace of terror?

But no, they’re just normal people dressed normally, going about their normal days. They don’t look distressed or shocked or like anything unusual is happening to them at all.

There is one weird thing. Weird-er thing, I guess, beyond the very fact of the figures. One of them—a polaroid I took of a park—has a man really close to the camera. He’s in profile, like he’s walked into frame as I took the photo, and he’s scratching his forehead or adjusting his glasses or something. The relevant bit is that his hand is up and the watch on his wrist is facing the camera. I first was checking the time to see if it matched the time I took the photo and then, of course, I couldn’t remember when I took the photo, so that ended up not being helpful at all, but the watch itself…

Well, I may have never been the hippest or most fashion forward person in the world, but I’ve always worn a watch, like most people. And I have never seen a watch like this—it didn’t have any hands, instead it was like a flip clock, where it’s just the numbers of the hour and minutes. But the strangest of all is that the numbers looked lit up. Almost like they were on a TV screen.

As I’m saying it, it sounds like nothing. I know, I can here it. But it’s something that’s out of place. And anything that’s out of place is worth noting.

Even if I have no idea what it means.

[click, static]

#breaker whiskey #audio drama #episode #transcript #Spotify

[hauntingthechateau]

Friday November 3rd

High of 15, a steady 7 overnight low. Overcast and broody looking.

Terrible sleep last night. Between noise and anxiety I just couldn’t fall asleep. Tried to let myself sleep in, but just ended up waking up at regular time anyway. The consensus with the trains was that a late train was still running and would get us here by 7ish if we caught it for 4:45. I bought those tickets. Took the time to repack all my bags. Checked out of the hotel but left my bags with them and went out to breakfast. Breakfast place (Au Pavilion) was touristy and empty, and yet exactly what I wanted. €12 bought me fresh pressed orange juice, tea, a GIANT omelette (3 eggs?) with a whole massive chunk of smoked salmon on it, a big potato roastie chocked full of garlic a salad and some bread.

From there I decided to do a little walk to all the really old medieval houses still standing in Paris on Rue des Barres and Rue François Miron, stopped in at the Church St Gervais and had a peek around and then went to see the Hotel de Seas (another medieval building with a public garden). It was a lovely walk through lots of different Paris neighbourhoods and just a really nice time.

While resting my feet in the garden, the text came through that our earlier train was uncanceled and we were all to take that train. I sat and read in the garden for 20 minutes before starting the trek back to the hotel and then made my way to the station. I was able to meet up with an ever growing group of artists in the station an start to get to know people. 

We got on the train and a bunch of us sat together. We made it about an hour out of Paris when the train stopped and we started getting a bunch of announcements in French but we were pretty surety train was heading back to Paris. Eventually we cobbled together that the train was turning back and taking a different route because the rails were blocked by falling trees from a passing storm, some 300-1200 trees down on the line, hence the cancelations. We sat at a station in Longueville or something like that for half an hour and then finally headed all the way back to Paris before starting off north eat towards Chalons en champagne where we turned south to Chaumont. The 2 hour journey to Chaumont took us nearly 6 hours and we were all stressed and tired and dehydrated and hungry. I got motion sickness from going backwards for part of the time, but took gravel and Imogen switched spots with me so I could face forward. 

We were picked up by Chateau staff at the station in two passenger vans with a trailer behind for our luggage and then we were off! I missed a beautiful countryside views (both on the train and in the van) since at this point we were coming in well after dark in a pitch black cloudy night and could see nothing. Ziggy drove me and some of the others staying in the village to our houses to drop our luggage and show us our rooms and then it was back to the Chateau to eat dinner!

No big champagne social/welcome party tonight since we got in so late (8 instead of 5). But the food was delicious and the wine was plentiful. There was red, white, rose and champagne on each table and I availed myself of the champagne and the red which was a Grenache merlot and was quite nice! Dinner was a whole big thing but the beef bourgeon and the pork pie were absolutely stunning. Served along side were a couple salads, pumpkin soup, baguette, mash potatoes carrots as well as dessert (which I never actually made my way to, but the pies looked fantastic! Three different kinds!

Missing from dinner was my roommate Lauren, who it turned out had taken the later train and then got stranded at the train station without data. She arrived shortly after I walked home from the Chateau and I helped her settled in. One of the kitchen staff delivered her food and I sat and chatted with her while she ate, what a stressful time for her!!! 

Finally, I unpacked and got ready for bed and man oh man and I looking forward to sleeping.

Xo 

#travel #artists residency #chateau #france #chateau d'orquevaux

[hamildoodles]

“an acute angle-- like a cute ANGEL, get it?!”

“you’re such a fucking nerd, alex.”

#Lams #Alexander Hamilton #John Laurens #Hamilton #Hamilton the Musical #OTP #this shit just came to me #it was another case of #'waifu I'm making a comic with this GREAT JOKE' #I p much modeled Laurens' look off the one she gave me when I said it #Justcouplethings #Drawn in AU fashion because married life is just tops for these two #this is what Laurens looks forward to waking up to and going to sleep with every morning and night #true love #for my wife who's my acute angle. #Hamildoodles doodles

[dragon-kazansky]

Masquerade at midnight

Gender neutral reader

[Masterlist]

[Previous Chapter] - [Next Chapter]

Word count: 3.5k

Notes: There’s a fire and it gets a bit tense.

♡♡♡

Chapter Seven - Stepping stones

You sit up in your bed reading your sign language book. After receiving your dagger, Mads promised to keep it safe until you were ready to use it. He asked you to give it a name as it never received one. It was just always referred to as The Dagger. You decided you would have to put some thought in to it.

You left the office and had dinner with the others. After, you came straight to your room. You had bookmarked some pages in the flower book to help you learn about their meanings and how to look after them properly. You had really only marked the ones Anson had asked you to find earlier that afternoon.

The bedside lamp was on as you studied the book and tried to copy the gestures within. You hoped to spend some time with Lauren in tomorrow, and you want to impress her with some of your knowledge. You fall asleep like that, with the book open against your chest.

In the morning, it isn't Caine that comes to wake you up, but Tom Ellis. He knocked, but received no answer. Just to make sure you were OK, he opened the door open a crack and poked his head in. He had to chuckle at the sight he was presented with. Tom comes in, closing the door behind him, and removes the book from you. He smiles at the cover.

"I see. So that's what you've been up to," he whispers.

He places the book on the bedside table and walks over to the window. Swiftly, he opens the curtains. He hears a groan from behind him and he chuckles again. He turns around to see you trying to wake yourself up, though you just turn over and bury your face in our pillow again.

"Ah ah, no. Rise and shine," he closes in on the bed and grabs the covers, pulling them back and folding them across the bed. You make a noise of protest. He laughs. Tom sits on the bed and cages you in with his long arms, hovering over you.

"Do I have to?" You ask, voice laced heavily with sleep.

"Afraid so, dear."

You blink your eyes open and look up at him. Tom is looking at you with a smug smirk on his face. You sigh, defeated. Tom backs off as you sit up.

"You know, if you want to learn ASL, I could teach you. I spend a lot of time with Lauren. Speaking of, would you care to join us in the ballroom later?" He asks, smiling sweetly at you.

You rub the sleep from your eyes and gaze at him with a blurry gaze.

"Can I? I'd very much like to spend some time with you both," you tell him.

"Of course you can. There is one condition though."

"Oh?" Now you were awake. "What is it?"

"You have to go train with Oscar again afterward. He'll be expecting you. Now that your prized weapon is within these walls, it's time to get serious about training. Jeremy won't be kept at bay forever."

"I know. I promise I'll go see Oscar after."

"Good, but first, breakfast."

You chuckle and shoo Tom out of your room so you could get dressed. He waits outside your bedroom, leaning against the wall, while you get ready. When you come out, he smiles and pushes off the wall, slinging an arm around your shoulders.

"Let's go."

You both enter the dining hall seeing a few others gathered around the table. Jodie is already eating, Lauren waves at you as you come in, Benedict is reading a paper toward one end of the table, and Michael Sheen is reading some pages in front of him.

Tom and yourself sit down. He gives a nod to the butler who goes to fetch you both something to eat.

You glance at Jodie.

"Do you guys even need to eat?" You ask.

Jodie glances at you and smiles, "not really, but we get some comfort out of it."

"Just because we are no longer alive doesn't mean we can't get enjoyment in the pleasures of eating," Tom chuckles. You smile at him.

"What are you reading?" You ask Michael.

The Welshman looks up with a huge grin on his face.

"A script. David and I are staring in a play in town. You should come and see it," he leans forward with an excited glint in his eye.

"I would love to."

"I'll save you a ticket," he says, looking back at his script.

The butler returns with breakfast for you and Tom. You tuck in as Tom pours you something to drink from the selection on the table. An enjoyable atmosphere fills the air as you sit amongst friends while you eat.

Someone has been learning sign language for you.

You spot Tom signing to Lauren, but you only pick up a bit of it.

Who? Lauren asks.

Tom look at you. You frown at him as you finish up your breakfast.

"What are you saying?" You ask him.

Mr Ellis chuckles as he sits back in his chair and looks at you smugly.

"When I came and woke you up this morning, you had clearly been reading last night. The ASL book? I put it on your table. Learn anything you would like to share with the group?" He asks.

You realise at this point that the others had looked up at you. Your eyes met with Lauren's. She was looking at you curiously.

"Well, I... uh..."

"Go on," he urges.

You lift your hands and try and remember some of things you had read about. What would make Lauren happy? You smile.

You are a really good dancer.

Lauren beamed brightly at you. Thank you.

Tom leans forward again and smiles at his ballet dancer. They are joining us in the ballroom today.

Lauren gives the biggest smile you have ever seen on her face. You smile at her smile. Quickly, she gets up out of her seat and comes over to you, grabbing your hand. You laugh as she takes you into the ballroom, Tom follows behind. Michael and Jodie wave as you go, Benedict watches with a smile.

The ballroom is, of course, empty. Tom wanders over to his piano in the corner and fiddles with it for a moment. While he sorts himself out, Lauren stands with you on the open dance floor.

I'm going to teach you how to dance. She mouths the words to help you understand.

I don't really know how.

Lauren looks at you with a look that really tells you she doesn't believe you. You smile sheepishly at her.

You did really well with Ben the other night.

You roll your eyes.

That was just by chance.

Again, she looks at you as if she doesn't believe you. She grabs your hands and positions you the way Ben had you that night. Tom had sorted whatever he was doing with his piano and was waiting for you both to be ready. As he began to play, Lauren took the first step, taking lead. You followed her.

It was fun. Good fun.

Tom played several pieces, one which was new, something he had been working on. You and Lauren dance to all of them. You're not sure when you really got into it. At what point did you stop thinking and just move? Dancing with Lauren became flawless at some point.

The music stops entirely. You stand there and smile at Lauren. She's smiling back.

Tom rises from his piano and makes his way toward you. He's also smiling. Lauren takes a step back from you, dropping her gaze to the floor. Tom looks at you with a twinkle in his eyes.

"That was... magnificent!" He beams proudly.

You chuckle shyly. "Not really."

"It was. You were really into that," he says. Tom turns to Lauren, "weren't they amazing?" He asks, signing along with his words.

Lauren nods, looking at you proudly.

"I had a lot of fun," you say, attempting to sign it too. Lauren thanks you.

Tom puts his arm around your shoulders and walks with you while Lauren switches her shoes. He takes you over to the the grand doors on the far side. You look out, but you don't see much. No one appears to be out in the gardens.

"If you wanted, you could spend your evenings in here with us. Lauren would love to have a dance partner, and I would be honoured to play for you."

You smile softly as you glance up at Tom, "I'd like that a lot."

"I wish we hadn't ask you to help us fight, but I'm happy you're here," he says, speaking quietly in your ear. You nod and look back outside.

Just as Lauren joined you both at the window, all of your attentions were drawn on outside. Tom seemed to stiffen up as he looked. Your eyes follow Jodie, Barry, and Benedict run past the window. Lauren leaves your side instantly to open the door and run outside. Just as she disappears from sight, following the others, David and Anson run past. Tom grabs your hand and you both run outside.

"What's happening?" Tom shouts out to David.

"Fire!"

You panic. Fire? You keep hold of Tom Ellis' hand as you follow David and Anson round the building. As you turn to come around the back of the building, you stop and stare in horror. The lovely little stable you saw when training with Oscar was on fire. The horses were in full panic. Tom lets go of your hand and runs over to help. You follow behind.

Mads is giving instructions to the others. Tom Hiddleston and Oscar are working on getting water. Lauren watches in panic as Barry, David, Michael and Ben try to get the horses. You go over and place an arm around her, she settles into you, concern written all over her face. You watch Ben manage to grab a hold of one of the horses, he guides it over to where Anson and Jodie are standing. They take the horse off Ben and take it further away from the fire. Anson takes care of that horse as another is handed over to Jodie.

Your heart is racing. You're in shock. How did your day go from dancing away to this.

Mads spots you and walks over.

"You both should go back to the house. Let us deal with this," he says.

"What happened?" You ask.

Mads sighs softly.

"I don't know exactly. We need to put the fire out so I may find out. Please, both of you return to the house. Let us sort this."

Lauren looks at you and grabs your hand. You gaze at her with sad eyes. She nods.

"Alright, but please come see me when it's over. I need to know that everyone is alright," you say, looking back at Mads.

"I'll send someone if I'm unable to come to you myself," he smiles.

"Thank you."

You cast one last look at the burning stable before you and Lauren turn around and head back to the house. You can still hear the flames crackling as you walk away. The horses still in panic. The shouts of your friends as they try to work together.

Why did this happen?

Lauren takes you to the drawing room where she asks the butler, Michael Caine, to fix you both something to drink. She sits close beside you.

They will be OK, she signs.

You give her a little smile, but it's not enough to wave off your worry. You can't help but wonder if this was an attack of some sort. The stable didn't just go up in flames on it's own.

"What do you think happened?" You ask, trying to sign a bit. Lauren reads your lips for the most part.

I don't know. Mads will figure it out.

"I hope so."

Michael returns with a tray in hand. A tea set is laid out upon it. You smile and mutter a thank you as he sets it down. Lauren pours you both a cup. You're not really in the mood to drink it, but as Lauren places the cup in your hands, you welcome the warmth. Both of you sit side by side in silence, eyes cast on the windows. You can't see the stable from here, but you know it's still alight out there.

You can't tell if time is passing by quickly or slowly. You don't have any sense of it's passing, but the door open and you both look up. You only then notice that's is getting quite dark outside. Quite some time has passed. The tea pot is cold now. You stand up and see Mads enter with Daniel.

"Are you alright?" Is the first thing you ask. Both men smile slightly in response.

"Yes. The fire is out."

You find yourself rushing over to them and looking them both up and down, making sure no harm had come to them.

"We are alright," Daniel assures you. You nod weakly.

The horses too? Lauren asks.

"All horses accounted for and safe. Anson and Jodie have taken up finding them a temporary home until a new stable can be built. Oscar is letting them stay in the training yard for now," Mads explains. Daniel gestures to the seats and you all sit down, you sitting next to Lauren again.

"Are you alright?" Daniel asks, looking at you both. You both nod. "I'm glad," he says, smiling at the pair of you.

Do you think this has something to do with Jeremy? Lauren asks.

You look at Mads.

"Perhaps. I'll need to take another look at the stable after."

"I can I join you?" You ask.

Mads' gaze falls to you. "If you'd like."

Daniel gives a little shake of his head before he stands up and turns to the windows. He walks over and stands there, eyes cast into the garden. Though it's dark, the lights in the garden allow him to see most of it.

"We may not have much time."

Mads turns his gaze to Daniel's back. "Then we must prepare," he turns back to you, "train, read, learn. You're our lucky card here."

You give a single nod.

Mads takes his leave. Once the door closes behind him, Daniel turns back around and looks at the pair of you. You can't read what he's thinking, but his eyes are intense.

"I fear the war is coming to us," he mutters. He turns his gaze away, as if he was unable to look at you or any longer. Daniel excuses himself from the room. You watch him go.

Lauren places her hand on your shoulder. You turn your head to look at her.

Can I stay with you tonight? She asks.

You smile and you nod. Both of you leave the drawing room instantly, heading back to your room. You close the door behind you both. Lauren makes her way over to your bed and sits down on it, crossing her legs and getting comfortable. She brings a pillow to rest on her lap so she can lean on it. You follow and sit beside her, letting your legs remain stretched out as you lean back against the remaining pillow.

Neither one of you felt up to sleeping. Too much on your minds.

Lauren spies The Vampyre Catalogue. Swiftly, she leans over and grabs it, trailing her hand down the cover. You look at it.

"I haven't read it properly yet," you say.

Shall we read it together? She asks you.

You nod your head. Lauren places the book between you both and opens it. Her eyes scan the lists you had seen before. It's only now you realise there was another name on it. It had ben scratched out, but you could still make out the J. Jeremy.

Lauren turns the page again. You sit up and take a deep breath before reading he text in front of you. You had a lot to learn.

The Creation.

Purebloods. The strongest, purest, and most powerful of vampire kind. Purebloods are born from purebloods. Never lived a mortal life. Children of the night, always. Only a pureblood may lead a nest, unless they say otherwise. Royalty among the immortal realm. To go against a pureblood is a death sentence.

Halfbloods. Strong and powerful beings made from a pureblood. Lived the life of a mortal before. May only lead a nest under the permission of a pureblood. Usually serve those who created them, the one being their master or mistress. Held in high regard among those they are loyal to.

Lesser vampires. Weakest in the chain, hold very little power. Can only be made from a halfblood. May never lead a nest. May never question their purpose. Pawns among the immortal realm.

Lauren reaches out and points at the halfblood paragraph. She smiles up at you. You smile back and nod at her.

"Who made you?" You ask her.

Mads.

You smile a little wider. "He seems fond of you."

He just likes me for my dancing. She grins.

You laugh and turn back to the book. You turn the page and read the next part. Lauren leans in a little closer, resting her head on your shoulder as she looks down at the book.

Bonds and marriage.

Bonding among immortals happens in different ways depending on the standing in the chain. The bond between a pureblood and halfblood is natural if the pureblood is the master of the halfblood. A natural loyalty occurs. The halfblood serves the one who made them as the pureblood sees fit. Though once purebloods married purebloods, it is not unheard of for a halfblood to marry the pureblood who made them.

You smile. The sentiment that stood between Mads and the others was obvious. He cared for all those under his roof. He certainly had a particular fondness for others. You could only presume those were the ones he turned, like Ben and Lauren.

"Mads seems fond of you all," you say, smiling.

Of course. He cares for us all in his own way. Those of us he turned, we are his family now. She tells you.

"I'm glad he has a family by his side."

Marriage among immortals varies from that among mortals. The bond holds the same meaning, but the process is different. While mortal who love each other wholly marry in the eyes of God, vowing to one another, with immortals it is far more committing. Blood is spilt and shared under an oath. An oath to die should the bond ever be broken.

"What does that mean?" You ask.

It's a bit old fashioned, but it means that should one or the other fall out of love, the result would be death between them. It hasn't been that way in centuries, things have since changed. Lauren says, smiling softly.

"Vampires are dramatic!"

You both laugh.

The bond between an immortal and a mortal is permitted. However, if the bond is forever, then the mortal must be turned. This is no problem if the immortal is a pureblood. The pureblood may do this, under the permission of a nest leader should they be part of one. A halfblood may do this too, under the permission of a master if with a nest. If not, the turnout would lead to a lesser vampire, which is often not advised. If a pureblood agrees to the turning, and is given permission from the halfblood, the mortal may become a halfblood serving under the pureblood. This is often to most desired outcome.

"Would you have Mads turn me if we ever fell in love?" You ask, grinning.

Of course! You are my equal in this situation, so you should be an equal in vampire standing too.

You chuckle as you turn back to the book.

If a mortal is to marry an immortal, it is favoured the mortal be turned before the ceremony. The exchanging of blood requires a clean cut long the palm and pressed together as they make the oath. The scar will never completely fade, a mark will always be visible.

"Weirdly romantic," you chuckle, signing to Lauren.

I think that's the point, she chuckles too.

You close book and push it to the side, having read enough for now. Lauren lays back with you, both of you settled against the pillows. You look up at the sky.

"Mads said Jeremy is a lesser vampire. Who made him?" You ask, turning to Lauren.

I don't know.

You say nothing more. Silence fills the room and you both lay there letting it remain. You're not sure how much time passes, but Lauren falls asleep first. Her head tilts to be close to yours. You face her and sigh softly.

If the fire was the fault of Jeremy, this meant he was done waiting around. Perhaps his army was ready, but that would mean he had help, right? Too many questions and not enough answers.

You close your eyes.

@lieutenantn @ntlmundy @alex-the-rainbow @that-one-fandom-kid @mischief-siriusly-managed @madhatter2727 @gabrielapoe-16 @baronesszemo-blackwood @valquiria3000 @wannabevampire @ten-tenya-iida @crackedout @rothko-mirror @niceshadeofblue @my-fic-corner @bdffkierenwalker @nezla @bb-skyrunner @dezzylou24 @meganlpie @casi-eternal  @janine-007

You promise you won't abandon these wonderful people who have let you in. These stunning vampires who treat you like one of their own.

♡♡♡

#masquerade at midnight #mads mikkelsen x reader #daniel bruhl x reader #ben barnes x reader #david tennant x reader #michael sheen x reader #tom hiddelston x reader #tom ellis x reader #jodie whittaker x reader #barry keoghan x reader #lauren ridloff x reader #anson mount x reader #oscar issac x reader #benedict cumberbatch x reader

[missymurphy1985]

The Entanglement (part fourteen)

Warning - fluff / smut / slight breeding kink...

Taglist @queenshelby @margoo0 @being-worthy @peakyscillian @peakyciills @janelongxox @elenavampire21 @ysmmsy @cloudofdisney @lauren-raines-x @namelesslosers @misscarolineshelby @screemqueen @cilleveryone @peaky-cillian @misselsbells06 @datewithgianni @heidimoreton

6 months later

Cillian opened his eyes and looked to his right where Becky usually slept. The covers pulled back and an empty space. He could hear the reason why - a small giggle from the room next door, followed by the sound of raspberries being blown, followed by more of the most adorable giggling he'd ever heard. He'd never get bored of it. He watched as the bedroom door opened and Becky stood in it, holding Aiden in her arms who was reaching forwards for Cillian, garbling his own version of Dada.

Cillian opened the duvet and Becky placed Aiden next to him, smiling as they cuddled together. Cillian's fingers tracing over Aiden's tiny face. You'd never know he'd been born so early, he was simply perfect. Hitting all the milestones you'd expect of a six month old baby.

"Did he wake early?" Cillian asked, and Becky shook her head.

"Only an hour ago. Slept through again, clearly loves his sleep."

"He's a Murphy - sleep is our favourite thing."

The DNA results had come through three weeks after his birth. They'd sat on the kitchen side for a week before either of them plucked up the courage to open them.

Flashback

"You open it, I can't do it..." Becky choked, handing the envelope to Cillian once Aiden had gone down for his nap. Cillian ran his fingers through his hair and took it.

"Does it matter? I'm the one raising him..."

"Cillian we talked about this. Daniel had a history of medical conditions. Asthma being one of them. The more prepared we are for it, the better. Open it."

He tore the envelope open and took a deep breath, his hands shaking. Opening the letter, he read the words and the tears flowed. His head dropped into his hands and Becky's heart dropped into her stomach.

"Cillian I'm sorry... I'm so, so sorry..." She took the letter from him and read it, her hand flying to her open mouth.

"He's my son... He's mine..."

Present Day

"I'm taking you out for dinner tonight," Cillian said later that afternoon while he was sat on the floor playing with Aidan who was gurgling happily in his bouncer.

"Ooh, what's the occasion?"

"No occasion, it's just been a while since I had you all to myself for a few hours. Laura's offered to take Aiden for the night."

"Really? She's five months pregnant Cill, are you sure that's a good idea?"

"Be good practice for them. Plus Aiden adores his Uncle Pad, he'll love it."

"I'd better go get ready then, hadn't I?" She smiled, bending down to kiss them both before running upstairs to have a shower.

Cillian had dropped Aiden round Padraig's, who grinned at him before he left.

"Not a word to Laura, you promised me," he warned, his eyebrows raised at his little brother who simply laughed, tickling Aiden, before closing the door.

They pulled up outside the Italian Restaurant on Grafton Street just before 7pm. After a dinner of pizza, wine and olives, they were casually walking down the high street hand in hand when Cillian suddenly stopped. Standing in front of Becky, he stroked her arms lightly.

"I may have done a thing..." He grinned.

"Oh that doesn't sound good..." Becky smirked. The last time he 'did a thing' they ended up with a lime green bathroom, which was very swiftly repainted.

"Look up." She looked to the sky, confused. "No, you tit, up there!" He pointed at the building next to them. Becky suddenly recognised it.

"My old salon..."

"Less of the old."

"What?"

"It came up for sale last month. I bought it."

"You did what?"

"I bought you your salon back." She stood in stunned silence for a minute, looking back at her salon and then him, not quite knowing what to say. Her arms flew around his neck, squeezing the life out of him.

"You have no idea what this means to me... Oh my god... Cillian is this real?"

"It's real. Here's your keys." He handed her an envelope. She grinned, before walking to the door and unlocking it. She stepped inside, turning on the light, to find it already kitted out. A reception desk, chairs, nail stations, hairdressing stations, makeup stations, lights, decor... It was all ready to go.

"I didn't do this, you can thank Laura for that."

"I knew it wasn't you - it looks good," she smirked, earning a playful nudge from him.

"There's something on the reception desk for you." She walked over to the desk, and found a letter addressed to her. Opening it, she instantly felt her emotions building up.

Becky,

You came to me when I least expected it. After my divorce, love was the last thing I wanted.

But the pull I felt towards you was stronger. I knew the second I saw you just how phenomenal you were. How special you were. And I wanted you.

You are the strongest, fiercest, most beautiful woman I've ever met - and I've been lucky enough to call you my girlfriend.

But, you see, there's a problem. I don't want you to be my girlfriend any more.

"I want you to be my wife instead.."

Turn around."

She furrowed her brows, seriously confused. What did that mean? Turning around slowly, she gasped. He was in the middle of the salon, on one knee, with the most beautiful white gold and ruby ring in a box, held out to her.

"Oh well that depends Mr Murphy." She smiled, biting her lip.

"On what, exactly?"

"See I was an only child.. and I always dreamed of a house full of kids, running around causing havoc, laughing, playing..."

He stood up, still holding the ring box, walking over to her as she backed slowly against the counter.

"So you'll marry me if I give you a football team's worth of babies, huh?"

"Uh huh. What do you say, up for the challenge?"

"When exactly were you thinking of this challenge commencing?" She took the ring from the box and placed it just on her finger. He smiled, and slid it down past her knuckle, before bringing the same hand down to his crotch. She groaned, feeling just how hard he was under his trousers.

"It seems a shame to waste this, doesn't it?"

"The thought of getting you pregnant again does things to me," he groaned, pressing his body into hers against the counter. Her left leg came up to rest on his hip, his hand holding it in place as he grinded his erection against her.

"Are we christening my new salon or what?" She bit her lip, and laughed as Cillian quickly moved to lock the front door. He pulled her around to the other side of the counter, removing her jeans and underwear before sitting her on the desk, her back to the window.

"You wanna hope no one walks past," she giggled, looking behind her. A Tuesday night in Dublin City Centre, it was unlikely, and frankly Cillian didn't care. He needed her and now.

He moved to his knees again, stretching her bare leg out, and slowly placed soft kisses along the skin of her ankle, up her calf muscle, over her knee and inside her thighs. His teasing made her shiver under him, his teeth nipping slightly at the flesh of her groin when he reached it. He could feel the heat radiating from her core, he could smell her arousal and it made his cock throb under his trousers, pressing almost painfully now against the fabric. He reached down and let out a gasp as he loosened the zip to lessen the pressure.

His tongue licked a slow, tantalising trail from her groin over her shaved mound, his mouth blowing a cool breeze over her slit making her shudder. His tongue back now, dipping into her hole to gather the slick juices that were dripping from her before moving up to her clit - his tongue pressing against it softly at first, moving in a circular motion.

"Fuck yes... Baby that's it," she gripped his hair, keeping his head in place. She was done with the teasing, she needed her release. His tongue flicked over her swollen bud, skilfully drawing her closer to her orgasm. She felt it burning in her abdomen, and two fingers pushing into her added to the building pressure.

Her walls began to clench, and his mouth covered her clit completely - his tongue still flicking, but now he was sucking against it at the same time. His fingers hooked upwards, her slick fluids flowing down his hand as she started to come, her hips rocking back and forth over his face. He groaned into her, sending her over the edge with a cry of his name, he held her legs open before they clamped around his head, his fingers pressing into the flesh.

"No more, I can't, fuck, stop!" She begged, writhing on the desk from the overstimulation. He chuckled and pulled away, leaving his fingers in place as he stood up, kissing her passionately allowing her to taste herself. As their tongues battled against each other, she pulled his trousers down with his boxers and lined him up against her entrance.

"Eager, aren't we?" He grinned.

"Fuck your fiancé Mr Murphy.."

He pushed his hard length inside her in one swift thrust, her legs either side of his torso as she leaned back slightly against the raised section of the reception desk. His thrusts came hard and powerful, hitting her sweet spot with enough force to shake the desk and make her eyes roll back in her head.

"Eyes on me, keep those eyes on me. I want to see your eyes while my cock fills you up, when I fuck another baby into that sweet womb of yours," his eyes were darker than usual, his cock felt thick and deep as it pounded into her pussy, her juices flowing onto the desk.

"Fuck a baby into me Daddy..." She'd never called him they before, she couldn't help but blush a little but the way his cock swelled inside her and the deep groan that left his mouth told her all she needed to know.

His hands moved to her belly, roaming over the flesh. He loved her pregnant body, the way her curves grew sent him wild with need on a daily basis. He couldn't wait to see her full of his child again.

The thought of it made him pound into her harder, his cock hitting her cervix, the look of pure desire written over her face, her mouth hanging open, breathy little gasps and pants emitting from her.

"Cill, I'm coming, don't stop!" His thumb rubbed her clit, bringing her second orgasm out of her in seconds. He couldn't hold back any longer, his eyes widened as he felt the first spurts leave his cock, filling her, painting her walls.

"Oh fuck... Oh that's it, take it all baby, take it all..." he gave her a few deep, powerful thrusts, making sure to empty as deep as possible.

She wrapped her legs around his waist, holding him inside her until his orgasm subsided, his cock emptying completely into her.

They stayed like that for a few minutes, foreheads pressed together, bringing their heart rates back to normal as they panted through the afterglow.

He pulled out slowly, quickly looking at the window. Still clear, thankfully - he'd have a hard time explaining that to his mother when she saw it in the paper.

"You think we made a baby?"

"I think we made a mess!" He laughed, looking at the desk. He'd either bought a cheap one, or he'd thrust too hard - there was a crack where she was sitting, straight down the middle. He lifted her body off and she turned to look at it, laughing.

"So that's three beds, a dining table, and now a reception desk we've broken - what's next?"

"I can take the bed count to four in the next few hours I reckon..."

#cillian murphy #cillian smut #cillian x fem!reader #cillian fanfic #cillian x smut #cillian murphy x smut

[libraryofloveletters]

More Days, Fewer Words

Eddie Diaz x Reader 

Warnings: fem!reader

Category: angst 

Word Count: 4.2k

Author’s Note: based on my failed talking stage so this was self indulgent :)  also thank you to @hotchsdarling​ for her help :) <3

-----

Cold. 

The word that describes the current state of your relationship with Eddie. He sat across from you in your bedroom, his shoulders hung as he slouched in the chair. Your foot tapping against the floor was the only continuous noise echoing through the room, ever so often Eddie glanced at you before directing his attention back to your tapping foot. 

Today was supposed to be a nice day, sunny and hot in El Paso, as were most days but not today. Today was gloomy, grey and raining. The wind that blew through the cracked window was cold -cold enough to cause goosebumps. The words that were spoken lingered in the room although nothing was being said. 

“I think I should go” he pipes up, his voice quiet and soft, as if he spoke louder he would break you more than he already had. 

“Okay” a whisper left your throat, barely. 

Eddie pushed himself up out of the chair and headed towards your door. He stepped out, looking back at you now laying on your bed, staring up at the ceiling. 

“I-” 

Silence.

He sighed, shutting the door. His steps quieter as each went. His voice back to normal as he said goodnight to your parents. The tear rolled down your face, the back of your hand wiping it away when you stand. Eddie stood out in the rain in front of your house, you watched as he looked at your bedroom window. He stood there for a moment and you opened the window. He waited - waited for you to shout for him to come back into the house, for you to do something, anything. 

You didn’t. 

Shoulder slumped and now rain soaked, he turned and walked the other way. 

How did you end up here? Never did you expect him to leave. He was always the constant in your life, there through the good and the bad, as you were for him but something changed. People change and people drift apart. Some things things were just meant to happen the way they happened. 

----

Last you heard, Eddie had moved after his wife left. You had seen him at the store and he saw you too. An awkward moment of eye contact was had and you both went your separate ways. His mother was the one that had told you about his move, she kept up with you even after the falling out. She always stopped and spoke to you if she saw you, still sent you flowers for your birthday until this day. She had really started telling you that Shannon had left to take care of her mother, but of course, Eddie was an angel in their eyes so Shannon was left to take all the blame. 

Not that you knew Shannon personally nor did you know the ins and outs of her relationship with Eddie but you had heard enough from friends to know that things weren't good. She had commitments, one to take care of her mother and of course, she had one to take care of sweet Christoper but you could understand why she left. It’s hard raising a child when your partner is gone and when he returns, he’s just there with no sense of what’s happening. You would never blame Eddie but you couldn’t exactly blame Shannon either. 

So as anyone would, you went to see Eddie’s mom before you left for LA. there was nothing left for you in El Paso, most of your family had moved. You didn’t want to stay there by yourself with all the memories of your past.

It was time for a fresh start. 

Imagine your surprise when Mrs. Diaz goes “that’s where Eddie is too!” She had known the two of you stopped talking but she didn’t know why. Neither of you spoke about your feelings and that was part of the reason why the friendship ended to begin with. She told you he had become a firefighter when he moved, he had just gotten a job at station 118. 

Something you loved about her, she always told you what you wanted to hear without asking. 

She wished you good luck and promised to visit you when she and Ramon came out to see Eddie and with that, you were off. 

The entire time, your mind wandered back to Eddie. Surely, he had moved on. He did with Shannon, you couldn’t have given him what he wanted. Stability, a marriage sometime in the near future, a child after that, all things you weren't ready for at that point in your life. Truthfully, you still weren't sure if you were ready now, but maybe and only maybe, would you consider it for the right person. 

LA was new and fresh, a clean stale for you to try things and meet people. Right now you were just focused on getting settled in with the new place and the new job. Lauren, the woman whose desk was next to yours asked you to join her and some of the others for drinks after work to celebrate the account the team had gotten earlier. Being new to town and all, you had no other plans so you agreed.

9:30 on a Tuesday night and you were at a bar not far from your workplace. 

Lauren and Matt, who you now realized was her boyfriend, were telling everyone about this new fancy restaurant they went to for their anniversary. You smiled and nodded, but truly you were zoned out. Eyes wandered through the bar, from groups much like yours, to couples, some men and women sat at the counter and then a group of people by the pool table. You watched as a shorter man with black hair hit the ball into the pocket, another man, this one blonde and tall, patted his back and then took his turn. Your focus was on them until Lauren called your name. 

“Y/n?” 

“Hm?” 

“What do you think about that ?” 

“About what ? Sorry, I missed what you said” smiling apologetically at her. 

“The restaurant, isn't that crazy ?” 

“Yeah it totally is” Lauren hums at your response and carries on with her conversation. Gaze drifting back to the pool table at the other end of the bar, you excuse yourself from the group for a moment. You watch the blonde man miss yet another shot as you walk towards the bathroom. Not that you needed to go, you just wanted to have a better view of the game. Your back was up against the wall, the man with the black hair hit another ball into the pocket and surprise surprise, the blonde man missed again. 

“He's totally kicking your ass” stepping forward, your hands resting on the edge of the table. The blonde man looked offended while his friend laughed. 

“I am, aren't I ?” he asked you, smiling in amusement. 

You nodded, he introduced himself. “I’m Howard, but you can call me Chimney. My friend here is Buck.” 

“Chimney ?” your brows raise, he shakes his head, “long story.” 

“You are ?” Buck asks, “y/n” you smile. 

“Okay, y/n. Think you can do better than me?” he asks, holding the stick out for you. Smiling, you take it, “definitely can do better than that” as you lean over the table, Buck steps to the side and watches as you line the shot up. One hit and the ball rolls into the pocket. 

“Yeah, she’s got you beat Buckaroo” Chimney laughs, “Buckaroo ? How cute” you smile, Buck rolls his eyes. 

“Don’t listen to him” he says, nodding to Chimney. “Your go man” 

Buck lets you take his turn for him, Chimney missed the first one but gets the second one in. Just as you lean to line the stick with the ball, you hear him. His voice still brings chills to your spine. He hadn’t noticed you yet, you can hear him talking to Buck, you glance up ever so slightly to make sure you heard right. 

What are the odds that the two of you lived in the same place your entire lives and never run into each other but not even 2 weeks into your move to LA and you see him? 

Pushing the feeling and thoughts of Eddie from your mind, which wasn't the easiest considering he's right in front of you, you hit the ball and it rolls into the pocket. 

“Good shot y/n!” Buck calls from his chair. You wince, hoping Eddie wouldn't look back but he did. The two of you looking at each other like you were the only people in the room. All the feelings from that day returned, the heavy tension weighing you down. Eddie’s reaction made you want to run, far and to never return, to somewhere you’d never see him. Yet, you were stuck, froze and fixated on him. 

“I think I should go.” you hand the stick to Chimney who’s now exchanging confused glances with Buck. “It was nice to meet you guys. Enjoy your game.” you smile at the two men, one last glance at Eddie before walking away. You say goodnight to your friends from work and apologize for just disappearing on them. Lauren and Matt offer to give you a ride as you came with them but you decided you’d walk. 

---- 

Eddie follows his morning routine per usual. Up at 7, wake Chris up, breakfast, shower and get ready, out the door by 8:15 the latest, drop Chris off at school for 8:30 and at work by 9. 

As soon as his bag hits the floor, Buck comes running in, Chim hot on his tail. “Good morning” Buck smiles at his best friend, taking a seat on the bench across from Eddie’s locker. “Morning Eddie, how’d you sleep ?” Chim asks, Eddie turns and looks at Chimney, “how did I what ?” Eddie’s face twisted into his typical scowl.  

“Sleep, how did you sleep ? Friends ask that don't they Buck ?” Chim faces Buck, his back against the wall across from the lockers. Buck nods but Eddie ignores them, he goes back to changing for work. The room is quiet except for Eddie’s tumbling through his bag and locker and Chimney throwing a tennis ball at the wall across from him and catching it. Buck being Buck, decided to ask the question they had actually gone in there to ask. 

“So why did our new friend just up and leave after you showed up?” 

Eddie didn't answer, Chimney kept bouncing the ball and Buck asked the same question over and over again in different variations, hoping to get an answer. Finally Eddie turns to face them, the locker door slamming shut. Buck and Chimney’s heads perking up at the sound. 

“What do you want to know ?” Eddie asks, Buck opens his mouth but Eddie cuts him off. “You can only ask one question each. That's it” the two men nod, Chim joining Buck on the bench. “Do you guys know each other from your past life or something ?” Buck asks the first question. 

“She was an old friend.” Eddie’s simple answer didn’t satisfy the curiosity that Buck and Chimney had. 

“What happened between you two ?” Chimney used his question, earning him a sigh from Eddie. 

A loss for words wasn't a common thing for Eddie, sure he didn’t confront every problem verbally, that was usually the last option he chose but he looked for the simplest terms to put what happened. 

“We drifted apart” 

“Oh c’mon! There has to be more!” Buck looks up at his friend who was in no mood for questions, the look on his face was enough to get Buck to stop but did he ? Of course not. 

“Eddie, come on. It's us. You can tell us what happened” 

“What I say here, ends here. Understand ?” his friends nod. Eddie sits on the bench beside them. 

“We were friends back in El Paso. Grew up together our whole lives, everyone thought that we'd get married,” he chuckled at the thought, “but obviously, didn’t happen. It was right after we had graduated, we had feelings for each other but neither of us said anythi- well that’s not true. We admitted that we had feelings once but nothing ever happened. She went off to college and I was still figuring out my life. After I told her I enlisted, we drifted. Hung out less, the calls became shorter and eventually they stopped. The only time we saw each other was if one of us showed up at the other’s place. I told her that I couldn’t have a relationship like this, with nothing happening. I wanted a life together, to get married, to have a kid and she said she didn’t want that, she ‘couldn't give that to me.’ We stopped talking after that. I left and when I came back, I met Shannon, we got married and had Chris.” 

“So that’s that. Anyone want a smoothie ?” He stands and waits for an answer, both men shake their heads and he walks out like he hadn’t just told them all of that. Buck and Chim sat there, staring at Eddie walking away. He had this great romance and it ended because they had shitty communication skills ? There was no way Buck and Chim would let this slide, they’d hatch a plan but one that Eddie would know nothing about. Only to figure out how they can get the two of them together in one place. 

---

A routine fire drill for an office building was a normal day for the 118. Bobby coordinated with the team from outside. Hen, Chim and Buck all inside the building, they went through various floors checking to make sure they were clear while Eddie was in the lobby. 

This was their first shift back after their 24 hour shift as was it the first shift back since the Eddie “I had a friend that I loved but did nothing” bomb was dropped. The team took their sweet time clearing the building, they were supposed to be in and out as fast as they can be because they were supposed to be acting like it was a real fire. 

You on the other hand, were now arriving to work. You had a check in with your doctor and called in to say you’d be late. You find your way through the crowd outside of the building and spot Lauren by a corner. 

“Hey!” she smiles, you smile back at her. “What’s going on?” you ask her, turning to look at the crowd forming by the door. “Fire drill” she informs you, nodding towards the 2 big red firetrucks parked in front of the building. You hum, the side of the truck had big white numbers that said 118. Why did that feel so familiar to you ? 

“He works at station 118 now” Eddie’s mother’s words ringing in your head. 

No no no no no, not again. God I hope he isn't working today. 

Everyone reenters the building and there he was again. You couldn’t help but look at him. He had grown since you saw him that day at the store, you didn’t know what you were expecting. He stood there, his coat undone and his helmet in his hand, his typically well kept hair was wavy and messy from the helmet. He looked cute, but you wouldn't dare to tell him that. Not then, not now. You look away before he sees you. Making your way up the stairs, you were searching through your bag for your phone when you bumped into someone. Their hands on your arms, “sorry about that” you mumble before looking up. 

Buck smiled at you, “it’s okay. I didn’t know you worked here” 

“Yeah, started a few weeks ago” 

“Hey, why don't you come out with us tonight ? Chimney will be there and my sister Maddie, plus Hen and her wife are coming. She works with us, you’ll really like her” Buck gave you a smile, his eyes pleading for you to join them. He didn’t mention Eddie but you’re sure he would be there. Oh what the hell, you co-existed in El Paso for years, you had the same friends there too, what difference did it make here? 

“You know what, sure. Where and when ?” 

Buck reached into his pocket for his phone, giving it to you. “I’ll text you the details” you type your number into Buck’s phone. HIs radio went off, someone was looking for Buckley which you assumed was him and it was, he shouted that he’d text you as he ran off down the hallway. Chuckling at the man, you wondered how someone as joyful and sweet as him stayed so joyful and sweet doing a job like his. Surely, he had seen some messed up stuff, there was no way he didn’t. Nothing thinking much into it, you head into work for the day. 

----

Buck didn’t take long to text you a name of a restaurant and a time, he also told you to ask for Buckley when you arrived. Work kind of flies by when you have something to do, soon enough you were at home getting ready. The place was 20 minutes from your place, you arrived on time surprisingly. The man at the front smiled at you and led you into the restaurant when you gave him the name. Just as you were walking in, your phone chimed. 

From Buck: Okay don't be mad but Hen and Karen can’t make it. Chimney and Maddie are having a date night in and I’m sitting on my couch but have fun  

From Buck: But drinks tomorrow I promise, if you’re not mad at me :) 

Did he send you here to have dinner by yourself ? 

When you looked up, the man had just stopped in front of a table, had you not looked up you would have walked into him. Eddie sat at a table for 2, you look at him and he looks at you. The man excused himself as the two of you are looking at each other like you’re the only people in the place once again. 

“Buck ?” you ask him 

“Buck.” he answers, you hum. 

You pause for a moment. “Well, I can leave. We don't have to st-” “no please, sit” Eddie says, your brows furrow before you sit across from him. 

“I didn’t-” “When did-” the sentences cut off each other. Gesturing to him, “you first” your attention on the man in front of you. He takes a sip of water before speaking. “I didn’t know you moved to LA” he says, you hum. “I didn’t know you moved either.”

“Yeah after Shannon-” 

“Left. Yeah, your mom told me.” 

“How did Buck get you here?” Eddie looks over at you. “Bumped into me during the fire drill. He asked me to come out with the team tonight, to meet them.” 

“He told me that he wanted to get dinner and help me plan Christopher’s birthday party” 

“Chris has probably gotten so big” 

“Yeah, he did” Eddie pulls his phone out to show you a picture. Eddie and Christopher sat on the couch next to Eddie’s grandmother. 

“Awe, he’s grown so much. How’s your Abuela ?” 

“She's good, she's been helping me out with Christoper since I moved here.” 

Your eyes drifting back to the phone that sat on the table, it seemed like a recent photo. The cake on the table read “happy birthday” and Christoper’s arms are wrapped around Eddie’s waist. Chris is laughing with frosting on his cheek while Abuela feeds Eddie a piece of cake. The picture was from Eddie’s birthday, it was from last weekend. 

“oh my god, it slipped my mind.” you look at him, Eddie’s brows furrowed and his head tilts slightly. “What’s wrong ?” he sounded concerned. 

“Happy birthday Eddie” smiling at your friend- if you could even call him that. Eddie returns the smile. “Thank you” 

The waiter returns to the table, asking if you were ready to order. Eddie looks at you, unsure what to say to the waiter. You speak up, “No thank you, I think we’re going to get going.” 

“Is there any way we could get you to stay ?” the waiter asks, you smile politely and shake your head. “Thank you but the babysitter called, our son isn't feeling too well so we’re going to head home” now smiling sweetly at the waiter, he nods and leaves. Eddie’s eyes are on you, you could feel them on your from the moment you say “our son”

Getting up, picking up your purse. “It was nice seeing you Eddie” 

“Wait! Let me walk you out” he gets up from his seat, he follows you as you make your way through the tables and out of the restaurant. 

“No thanks, I’m more than capable of walking myself out” you say with a hint of annoyance in your voice. You’re out on the street walking towards the direction of your car when you feel a hand wrap around your wrist tugging you back slightly. 

“I know you’re capable, but please. It’s the least I can do” he gives you a pathetic look, a small pout on his face. 

“God, stop it. You know I hate that stupid face” pulling your hand away, you continue towards your car. “What face?” he shouts, jogging behind you as he follows you to your car. 

“That stupid pout of yours. It always got me to give in” turning around, you hadn't realized how close behind you Eddie was. His chest against yours, his hand on your waist instinctively when you bump into him. Eddie had no clue what you were talking about, a pout ? He had never pouted a day in his life. Clearing his throat, he relaxed his face as best as he could. 

“Can we talk, please ?” you shake your head, moving his hand from your hip. “Eddie, what more is there to say ?” 

“I love you.” 

The 3 words you had been dying to hear since freshman year of high school. The 3 words that would have been the glue to hold your relationship together all those years ago. 

“Eddie, what-” you breathe. You were at a loss for words. Why now? Why not all those years ago?

“I know” he takes a step back. 

“Why now? Is it because you already got married ? Because you have Chris ? Because you don’t need me to give you those things, you just- why ?” 

“Y/n, it was never about those things with you.” he reaches for your hand, you pull away. 

“But it was. It always was about the future we would have built together. You wanted to get married, you wanted to have children and I didn’t. I wasn’t ready. I still don't know if I am. So please, if you’re just going to leave again, go now before I fall in love with you again.” admitting your feelings to him in the middle of the street. 

“I got married, I have a kid - and you’re right. I don't feel the need to do those again because I already have. It doesn’t mean I stopped loving you. It doesn't mean a day hasn't passed by that I didn’t think about you or that I didn’t want to call you.” he sighs, his heart on his sleeve. Eddie wasn’t only one to talk about his feelings, ever. It meant a lot to both of you that you had your feelings out in the open. 

Eddie’s hands grabbed your waist, your body pressed against his. “Eddie, please don’t. I can’t do this. We’ve both moved on-” his hand cradled your face,  his lips on yours ended your sentence. 

Your heart pounded in your chest, you could only focus on how Eddie’s lips felt against yours. You had been dreaming for another moment like this since he left you that day in your bedroom, it felt as if time stopped and it was only the two of you while the world melted away. 

Eddie’s eyes had ever so slightly opened, taking the beautiful women in front of him. Taking in the moment just to make sure he wasn’t imagining what he had dreamt of and for the first time in all those years, he didn’t feel sad when he thought of you, he saw the one he had been waiting for.  

“Ed-” “Y/n, I love you.” 

“Eddie I-” 

“No, it’s you. It's always been you.” 

“Oh my god, Edmundo! Shut up, I'm trying to tell you something” you groan, Eddie bites back a smile.

“What is it?” 

“I love you too.” 

---- 

Yeah I got lazy, but happy ending :) Just assume they worked things out and are happy now :) 

taglist: @advicefromnixxxx​ @dralexreid​ @keenmarvellover​ @mikaelson-emma​ @beth-winchester21​ @averyhotchner​ @fernandaweasley2​ @yikesyikesyikes95​ @hotchsdarling​

#eddie diaz #eddie diaz x reader #eddie diaz oneshot #eddie diaz imagine #eddie diaz fan fic #eddie diaz fanfic #eddie diaz fic #edmundo diaz #911 #911 fic #911 fanfic #911 imagine #911 oneshot #911 reader insert #9-1-1 #9-1-1 oneshot #9-1-1 fanfiction #9-1-1 reader insert #9-1-1 x reader #9-1-1 imagine #9-1-1 fic #9-1-1 fanfic

[znikomek]

Shirt

The bed, outside the blanket wrapped around him, was cold - Alexander must have already left to work. John sighed and stuck his arms out to cover his eyes, despite the deep darkness out, but quickly slid them back into his nest. It was freezing on the outside.

He wrapped his arms around himself, discovering he had fallen asleep shirtless. How did it happen? He must have been mindless to do so. Another question was how he was physically able to fall asleep without a shirt in this temperature? Most likely hidden in Alexander’s chest. Couldn’t Alexander wake him before so he would dress himself not to get icy?

He groaned and fought in his mind to force himself to get out of bed and prepare himself for the office. After counting to three, he jumped out, skipping the floor towards the wardrobe, and rapidly opened the door. He started looking for his shirt, but couldn’t find anything.

Trying not to touch the floor, he started raking through the few pieces of clothing they still kept in their shared space. Many disappeared, and he didn’t know where they were, the last time he saw it was when Alexander borrowed something.

His lover enjoyed wearing his clothes, arguing they were comfortable and smelled like John, but never returned them. And now, the inevitable moment has come - there were no more shirts left. Not a single one could be found. Well, there were some, but Alexander’s. Small. Very small. In the size of half of John’s. Under no circumstances he could wear them, though he regretted it. That could actually be nice.

Cold. There was no point in standing there, he was not going to go to the office anyway, so he could as well return to bed, take some time to sleep. Or, force Alexander to return some of the shirts.

He painfully pulled on a pair of breeches on his petrified legs, hid his torso under a vest and covered himself in a coat to make up for the lack of the most basic garment, shrugged the awful feeling off, and rushed to chase his ungrateful lover.

He nearly threw the door from the hinges, and the aides on the inside jumped in their places, smirching their letters with dropping quills, all apart from Alexander, still mumbling something to himself as his pen was scribbling over the paper, with the sleeves rolled up ungracefully as they were too long for him.

John heard Meade joke about his poor outfit but ignored it, pushed forward by the anger as he saw his shirt, something that should be on him right now, drowning Alexander and handicapping his work. He nearly ran to the desk and had to keep himself from picking Alexander up.

“Laurens!” Playing obliviousness, Alexander put his quill down and looked up merrily, a spark in his eyes. “It's good to see you in the morning.”

“You're a thief. You're going to Hell for it.”

“Pardon? Those are not the words I expected to hear from my best friend." He grinned smugly.

“Hamilton!” He thumped on the desk, his fist making the small stack of papers jump.

The rapid noise brought the general from his place to the shared space. “What does this turmoil mean?" He frowned, standing with his hand on the door he had just opened.

“Sir, Laurens has come here shirtless, as it appears Hammy had taken all of his shirts!" Meade was snickering, with his arms crossed on his chest and holding himself from more fervent joking.

Washington only sighed, unwilling to engage in a dispute over such a pathetic problem, and disappeared, closing the door behind himself.

“Hamilton, give Laurens his shirt back." Harrison shut his eyes, in disbelief. What sin has he committed to deserve this punishment?

“I did not steal Laurens' shirt!” Alexander spat.

“And what is that you have on yourself?” John leaned angrily on the counter.

“I did not steal it! I thought we were sharing our clothing!"

Only then, John noticed Alexander also had on himself one of his coats that John considered missing for a long time. He didn't know if he should be furious or should he rather laugh at it, as there was something adorable in the way Alex frowned while having unfitted clothes hanging on him like on a child who had stolen older brother’s manly things. As he thought of it, he retreated from the parallel - Alexander was not his brother, and was manly himself.

“How do you expect me to put on one of your shirts, Alexander?”

“I-” he picked up the quill and started fidgeting with it- “admit I could have not thought it through.”

John sighed heavily. “Just give me my shirt back. You can keep the coat, I got another one anyway.”

Alexander peeked suspiciously at him. “Are you sure you won't be mad at me?”

John hummed, impatient to change, as the woollen waistcoat scratched him terribly.

“You have to promise.”

“I promise, Alexander, I promise, just give me my shirt back,” he whined. Not only discomfort had brought him there, but also he couldn’t keep being angry when Alexander stared at himself with his beautiful eyes like this.

“If you say so… Do you want me to take it off here or in our room?”

“Not here!” Harrison was quick. With those two, he had to stay on his toes, as no one knew what new madness would cross their minds, or mind, as when together they seemed to share one, judging by the limited number of sensible thoughts that they presented. “You’ve got five minutes, and then I wish to see you both here, ready to work! No sneaking out, no taking short breaks to exchange ‘a word’, no sudden needs to re-braid the other’s hair! Take from this den of yours what you need and spend your whole working hours working! I have no idea why do we still keep you and pay you for all this time you take free,” he grumbled, but the recipients of his speech fled halfway through it, and now his sight only met shrugging and smirking Meade. Harrison sighed. They will have to share the work in two, as the younglings most likely won’t show up in a half an hour, being occupied by restacking the clothing in the wardrobe and discussing nitwitted poetry. What a great excuse to disobey the orders!

#fanfic #historical hamilton #historical lams #crack fic

[yoonia]

About Time // Part 20

➬ Character | Jungkook x reader / Jimin x reader (feat. BTS)

↳ Type/Genre/words | Angst, Fluff, Alternate Universe (Time Travel!au/Time Leap!au, Soulmate!au), Eventual Smut / 18,5k words

↳ Prompts | “What if you find your soulmate… at the wrong time?” - Lauren Kate, Passion

↳ Summary | Be careful for what you wish for, because you may never know how to deal with them once it comes true. What would you do when your wish for a second chance actually came true? But was it really a fulfilled wish? Too many questions lie when it actually happened. Were they real memories? Or perhaps a part of a past life? Was it only a dream all along? Will everything be different this time?

↳ Ratings | Mature/+18 and up

↳ Warnings | mentions of alcoholism, mentions of cancer, (probably) inaccurate medical and law terms

↳ Author’s Note | This chapter took me forever to finish, but I’m glad that it’s finally out. I want to thank my girls, @randombtsprincessa and @softyoongiionly​ who have been hyping me out and yelling at me each time I came close to giving up and when I stop writing, and as always my second set of eyes, @theodea​. I hope you’ll enjoy this one as we slowly unravel the story between our characters. Please make sure not to miss the second note at the end of the chapter. Thank you!

↳ ⤎ Previous Chapter | Series Index: About Time | Next Chapter ⇢

Song Companion | Shah - Can't Leave You | Oleg Byonic - Wait For You

—First life. St. Vincent’s Hospital, year 2027—

Subtle movements happening around me were the ones that had woken me up.

Whoever it was that had been moving around while I was still asleep, they had tried to do things stealthily, moving about carefully enough not to disturb my sleep.

But when a person had been stuck in one place for so long the way I did, their senses would easily become familiar to their surroundings the same way mine had. I didn’t need much to recognise the sounds that had been constantly happening around me, allowing me to identify the foreign ones when they appeared. I would be able to feel every movement, be it from any unanimated object or simply random movements that took place, and I could sense the changes in the air around me as it happened. So it was easy for me to catch their presence even before I had my eyes opened when they kept on moving, the low thud of their footsteps and the things they were moving around followed each move they made.

And then there were also the scents. It was his cologne that allowed me to recognise him without me seeing him. And it was a good thing too, because it allowed my heartbeat to settle down from its frantic pace and prevent me from waking up in fear, startled to find a random stranger invading my space.

I finally opened my eyes slowly. He was nothing but a blurry blob of a person moving around my room when I looked at him through my bleary eyes. The way he was still pacing back and forth around the bedside drawers told me that he had yet to realise that I was awake. So I continued watching him, blinking my eyes until the sight of him gradually grew clearer and I was finally able to see just what he was doing in my hospital room.

Of course, cleaning up my mess would be the first thing he would do the moment he got here, I wondered with a smile.

This man could never settle with a messy space. He could not even settle in patience without finding something to do, no matter how often he would complain or whine whenever he felt like he had been doing too many things at once.

I barely moved when Yoongi reached out to grab a bouquet of fresh flowers that had been left on top of the small table near the doorway. It looked new, and I had no recollection of seeing it before I fell asleep after my treatment this morning, so it must have arrived just a while ago. I saw Yoongi opening the card that came with it and tutted to himself, muttering low as he shook his head.

The moment I realised what he was saying, I could no longer stay silent. “Bastard? Did the sender really sign the card with that name?”

My voice seemed to startle Yoongi that he nearly jumped. He turned with his hand on his chest, looking almost ghastly grey that quickly faded when he chuckled. “Fucking hell, you scared me,” he said, tossing the flowers away. Though they only landed back not so gracefully on the table instead of into the trashcan placed on the floor right beside it, where he was probably aiming to throw them in before I caught him.

“Sorry,” I said, pushing myself up from the bed the best I could to sit upright while he handed me a glass of water and helped me drink. As I drank, my chest felt hollow. I had been in this place for too long that this simple gesture had become some sort of a routine. And that he had become so familiar with everything that he knew easily just what I needed. It made me feel relieved to have him with me, but I felt the guilt gnawing inside me just the same.

I hated feeling miserable and weak. And I hated it more to see the pitying look he gave me as he read me so easily. “Have you been here long?” I asked him before he ever had a chance to bring it up. Because there was no way he didn't notice it when he had grown used to my moods already. Thankfully, Yoongi had chosen not to say a thing about my condition and only shrugged.

“Not really,” he looked around, rubbing the back of his head as he followed my eyes to see the things he had been tidying up before I woke. “I wasn’t sure if it was alright to wake you up, so I tried to find some things to do while I waited. Sorry if I woke you up.”

I waved him off. “No, you didn’t. It’s just time for me to wake up. It’s almost lunchtime,” I told him, not that I was excited for lunch in any way. Not when I was not completely capable of eating properly. The blisters on my lips and inside my mouth had been increasing rapidly that I couldn’t taste anything without feeling pain. It had been coming and going, sometimes getting better after getting some vitamins or once I began drinking all those herb drinks Kara had been making for me. But whenever they came back, they always left me feeling miserable. And terribly hungry.

And hunger made me feel even more miserable.

If Yoongi had noticed the discomfort look I was making just by thinking about the food, he showed none of it. But he did scrunch his nose and gave a distasteful scoff. “You’re actually excited for the hospital food? Man, you’ve been here for too long.”

I scoffed. “Nope, I’m just excited for their pudding,” I said, without bothering to elaborate the fact that it would probably be the only thing I could manage to eat.

“Damn,” he said, shaking his head almost too dramatically. “I was hoping that I could steal your pudding while you eat.”

I knew that he was only trying to make me feel better, but that was enough to have me laughing. But only for a short while, because any kind of tension happening on my torso gave me pain. As I winced, my eyes fell on the flowers he left behind. It was not hard to recognise them. Jungkook had known me for a long time to remember just what kind of flowers I loved most, and he had gotten me the same kinds ever since we had been together.

Fresh white roses, mixed with a handful of blooming white baby’s breath—just like the ones I had in the flower bouquet that I carried on our wedding day—and with a simple white ribbon wrapped around the footstalks. He had known me well enough to know that I only enjoyed simple things, and it hurt to know that he still remembered everything to the T.

I didn’t really need to ask, but I could not help it. “Those flowers—Jungkook sent them, didn’t he?”

Yoongi clenched his jaw and nodded. “I heard that he’s making amends.”

I rolled my eyes. “No, he just promised to stay around. Be a friend,” I told him, to which he gave me a sceptical look through his eyes. “He wants to be involved but not so much to disturb my life or to get in the way of my recovery process.”

Yoongi started shaking his head. I knew that I didn’t have to explain things on Jungkook’s behalf or to defend him right in front of my friend. But what Yoongi did not know was that Jungkook was not the only one making amends. If he was willing to try and make peace with everything that had been going on, then I should do just the same. It was the only way I could do to let the pain of his betrayal go away and to be able to look at my future without any resentment of the past.

It may have been far too late for me to realise it, and I hated the fact that I needed Jimin there to open my eyes, but the only reason why I have yet to be able to move forward entirely had been due to my anger. Letting my resentment grow freely inside my chest would only blind me from the beautiful things waiting for me in the future.

That is, if there was still any hope for me out there.

“I was almost sure you’re going to forgive that son of a bitch again,” Yoongi finally said with a sigh.

“Oh, I have forgiven him.”

Yoongi sat back with a jolt. “What?”

Chuckling, I waved him off. “No, I meant to say that I have forgiven him, just so we could move on. It has been too exhausting to keep being angry. If he really meant it when he said he wanted us to be friends, that he wanted to support me, then I should stop being so hostile with him. It’s actually pretty relieving to not be angry with him all the time,” I explained, and Yoongi slowly relaxed, while I had to clench my teeth together at the memory of all those passing moments we have had where we were too busy battling each other instead of moving forward. “Not to mention, the last altercation he caused had hurt Jimin. I don’t think I would have any more to give if I’m going to continue fighting him.”

Yoongi sat in his chair with his arms crossed over his chest. Sighing, he nodded his head after a while. “I still regretted not being here at the time to punch his face. Not to defend your boyfriend, but for stressing you out.”

I gave him a wry smile. Our relationship had always been a bit more cordial before this point, when we were just two people running a freelance business together. Back in college, he was nothing more but a stranger since we both ran with different crowds. He was more a part of Jungkook’s circle than he was in mine. But to have him on my side this time around, to have him as a part of my support system both as a friend and a second brother to me was gratifying.

“You haven’t been around much. I was starting to miss you,” I told him, making him chuckle. It was not a lie, I did miss him. His absence had never felt so strong before, but even with the overwhelming change happening in my life lately, I have missed his presence around me.

“And you really want me to believe that you actually have been thinking of me?” he jokingly asked me. “I thought you already have someone to keep you company. And I know that he’s been keeping you busy.” He said this while waggling his eyebrows, and I felt my face flushing with heat. He may not have fully supported my new relationship with Jimin at first, stating that I was risking my heart by being close to someone who was fighting the same battle as I was, but he seemed pretty okay with it now.

“What have you been up to?” I asked him. “Come on, tell me anything. I’m bored, and anxious.” Because the days were moving closer to the day for my surgery, was what I couldn’t tell him. Thinking about it only made me tremble in fear, so I tried to avoid bringing it up unless it was necessary. “Tell me that the world outside still exists.”

He gave a bitter chuckle. “Oh, the world outside still exists, all right,” he said, before he began updating me about everything that had been going on lately. Not everything in the world that I could keep up on my own through the news or the things I saw on the television, however, but the things around us that I had left behind. He updated on things regarding work, since I had left behind a bunch of unfinished projects on his hands when I got sick. I had tried my best to help him while I still could, until I had no more energy and he stopped bringing files on our projects to the hospital so he could stop me from trying to force myself to stay active.

Then he suddenly fell silent, just when I was asking him about what had been going on in his life. He looked a bit embarrassed for a moment, looking everywhere but my eyes until he finally took a deep breath and spoke.

“I’m seeing someone,” Yoongi finally admitted. “It’s new and nothing really serious yet, so Hoseok told me to take my time for myself with—you know.”

“No, I totally understand. I don’t ever want to be in the way for you or Hoseok on whatever is happening with your lives,” I told him, before realising something else. “Did you think I would say something about it? Is that why you never said anything to me at first? You know I wouldn’t, right? You’ve done so much for me. I already told you and my brother that I don’t want to have you both putting lives on hold for me. I know Hoseok is starting to.”

And I meant it. I have noticed it for a while but my brother had never wanted to talk about it. Hoseok was starting to look like he was stepping back from living his life, as he struggled to be there for me the entire time I was battling my illness, all while he was doing all he could to help me get out of my broken marriage completely unscathed.

Yoongi’s smile looked a bit sad when he looked at me. “I know you wouldn’t say anything bad. You’ve always been so great when it comes to dealing with my relationships. I think you’ve handled things better than I had,” he said with a chuckle. “As for Hoseok—He’s trying to make up for lost time. You know, for all those years he had made the mistake of cutting you off.”

Shaking my head, I refused to acknowledge it. “It wasn’t completely his fault,” I said, surprising even myself for knowing how I meant it. Through all those years we have lost contact, I did blame Hoseok for pushing me away and refusing to hear what I had to say. He was the one who had shunned me when I needed him the most, but that anger was gone now. Just like how I had forgiven my ex-husband, just how I had forgiven Kara and my father, and how I was just starting to forgive myself for all the horrible things which had happened between us in the past, I had forgiven my brother.

“Yet he still blames himself,” Yoongi said to me patiently, defending my brother. “He still thinks that he deserves to be punished for his ignorance in the past, for not being there for you until it was too late. He kept telling me how hard it has been for him to forget that fact how he had turned his back on you. That you had trusted him and he had only let you down. I think he instantly regretted it when it happened but he didn’t know just how to reach out to you again.”

“Until he met you.” I gave him a wry smile, while deep inside, I was grateful for the fact that my brother had somehow met Yoongi by chance and reached out to him so he could become the bridge between the two of us. Yoongi had no obligations to do any of that, but he did. And he had made it possible for the two of us to reconcile, even if it had come a bit too late.

An orderly interrupted our talk by entering the room with my lunch. Yoongi stood up to retrieve the tray and took his time to set up my meal for me. After a while, I couldn’t help it, I just had to ask, “Why do you take such good care of me? I mean, I’m happy that you are here and to have you as a friend and a second brother. But you’ve done a lot more. Not just for me, but for Hoseok too.”

Yoongi avoided my eyes when he returned to his seat. “Because I really care about you, ______. And you also did a lot for me when I needed help and people were turning their backs on me,” he finally said. His eyes were dark, and his pain was visible when he looked up at me. “Back then, you knew my secrets and still didn’t run away,” he said, while my memory brought me back to the past, when I had met him again after a quite some time, after he had become distant to most of the people we knew back in college. None of the people around us truly knew then that his friends had left him when things were hard for him, and I had chosen to become his friend at the time because I knew what it was like to lose everyone because of all the choices we made.

“I would never turn my back on you,” I told him, while he only gave me a bitter chuckle.

“Well, most people did. They always said it didn’t matter, but then they couldn’t look at me the same way again.”

I bit my lip when I remembered those days. Those final days before I finally left college, when people were whispering things on campus. Bad rumours had always been easy to travel quickly, especially when it came to a person like Yoongi. “Did people ever find out? I thought nobody ever clarified the rumours that had been going around at campus.”

He scoffed. “No, but it happened around the same time I began cutting back from classes and partying, so I guess people took it as a confirmation to them being true. And I had no point or a reason to deny it. Especially since when the truth finally came out, it didn’t really help much to make a difference in the situation.”

I reached out to him and grabbed his hand. “It doesn’t really matter anymore, does it? It’s in the past and you have grown far from that. And you’ll have my back as long as you have me.”

Chuckling softly, Yoongi gave me a relieved smile as he gripped my hand tighter. “Good. Cause you’ll have mine as long as I can help it.”

My heart felt full and warm with the promise that we shared, but at the same time, I also felt the weight of guilt brewing inside my chest as I said those words to him. I was grateful and glad for our friendship and knowing that we would be there for each other no matter what cause, and I had meant every word I said. But I couldn’t help but wished that I had been able to do the same and keep my promise to someone else.

I still wished that I had been able to do the same to another person who I should have never turned my back on in the past.

—Present life. Year 2018—

Winter break had barely ended when I returned to campus at the beginning of the new year.

The cold breeze still felt so strong even though spring was right in the corner that I had to tighten my coat while I paced down the slippery sidewalk towards the rendezvous spot. Taehyung had to repeatedly look over his shoulder to make sure that I was still following him close behind and that I hadn’t slipped away without him noticing. It was partly my fault that he got worried. Simply because I kept refusing his help each time he tried to hold my hand as we walked down the icy sidewalk on our not so sufficient boots. But I also knew that he could barely hold his own, which had been the reason why I didn’t want to become a burden.

Not when I was supposed to be here to give him the support he needed.

I looked up to notice that we were getting close to the east side plaza, where the largest park in the campus’ vicinity was located and also where people were gathering for the event. Loud voices and excited chatters were heard just when we were coming up around the corner, while Taehyung’s gaze looked both amused and nervous when he looked over to me for the last time.

He waited for me right before we went there. This time, I reached out for his hand and held on tightly. “You okay?”

“Fine, just nerves,” he said, shrugging, acting like it was no big deal. But I knew him, both in this lifetime and in the previous one, enough to know that he was blanketing his emotions and thoughts from me. And yet, I only chose not to push him too much about it and tried to have him think of other things instead.

“Okay, now remind me again why we came all the way here? Classes won’t start until the end of the month,” I asked him, just when a series of laughter was heard from the plaza. “And why the hell did they choose to meet up out here anyway? It’s fucking cold.”

Taehyung chuckled as he watched me wrapped my arms around myself and tugged me to come and walk with him, huddling close to keep our bodies warm. “These people are volunteers who are interested to join the spring project. I heard that they wanted to gather as many volunteers as they could get before everyone gets swamped with classes and assignments,” he began talking as he guided the two of us to join the crowd.

As we came up to the plaza, the place had already been filled with students, all wrapped up in thick winter coats and sweaters, all rubbing their hands together to keep themselves warm. But everyone shared the same wide eyes and bright, excited faces as they waited for the event to start. Everyone was standing together, facing the stage at the center. I kept on watching the people around us as Taehyung led us to the middle ground, all while sharing everything there was to know about the event.

This project was held by the local social acts group formed by students from the Social Studies and Medical Faculty, with some of Taehyung’s seniors whom he had grown close to leading the group. They always held their annual community service to help children or elders in need, and Taehyung had been involved in them a few times through the past year that he had probably grown accustomed to all of this.

Most of the work that he had done had mostly involved children, since that had been his main interest for his studies. But early winter, he had joined the service to provide coals and firewoods for elders and poor families who lived in isolated areas. For the past year, Taehyung had enjoyed doing this service and charity work because it had made him happy, it had given him a purpose and new goals to achieve, while opening a way for his future career.

In a different lifetime, being involved with this cause had only served as a form of escape.

And it was what had brought him far, far away from me until the day the bridge between us finally burned for good. All driven from the hurt that I had caused him.

“What’s the goal for the spring project, then?” I asked him just when he found us an empty spot with the perfect view towards the stage. The cold didn’t feel as harsh now as we stood between these people, but Taehyung still wrapped his arm around my shoulders and held me close to keep me warm.

“That’s what we’re all here for. The group always chooses their project from the ideas that they collect from their members or other volunteers, then chooses a captain to lead according to what kind of social service or charity they are doing. They haven’t decided what they were going to be working on this spring. Looking from all of these people gathering here, I’m guessing it’s going to be a big one. They’ve never had this many people being interested to join.”

“Maybe this is for the project that you wanted to sign up so badly before? The one they said they were going to send volunteers to the southern hemisphere?” I asked him, reminded of his wish to join the volunteer work that may give him a chance to travel to places while continuing his study.

Taehyung shook his head. “I don’t know. It could be. They haven’t really announced anything for that one either.”

I was about to say something, asking him more about this group and the organisation behind its cause, when a few people stepped up to the stage. One of the female leaders took the microphone and began to greet everyone who was present, applauding people who had come even in the cold. But I barely paid any attention to a word she said when I followed Taehyung’s gaze and saw him standing there with the other members of the volunteer group.

“There he is. Namjoon is always there with them. He’s been made captain on the last few projects that we’ve worked on,” he said, sounding almost distractedly as he watched Namjoon conversing with his friends on stage. I had to admit, the man really was attractive. His whole presence oozed confidence and his demeanour showed me that he was a smart man. Smart enough to be extremely persuasive. A dimple showed on his face when he smiled, and his laughter echoed through the stage, almost rivalling the MC’s voice as she continued to speak.

“Has he approached you yet?” I asked.

Taehyung shrugged. “He’s been a bit friendly, but that’s about it.”

“Is that why I’m here? To make sure that you would have someone to remind you to consider things before signing up?” I turn to look at him, waggling my brow to tease him a little.

This time, Taehyung turned to me and snickered. “Well, you know what they said. The only way for someone to avoid getting swayed by a handsome looking guy who happens to be an extremely persuasive man is to have your childhood crush standing right with you.”

“Whatever you say,” I said, chuckling as he tightened his arm around my shoulders and pulled me close. Neither of us said a thing as we listened to the MC spoke, before she finally handed the microphone to Namjoon, who became the one to talk about the project and let the volunteers learn more about the system, the plans, and how to sign up.

We shared nothing more but a bittersweet feeling while we were entranced as we listened to Namjoon speak, holding each other the way we never could in another life we shared.

We didn’t only come here to admire this man or to only see what today was all about, but to simply find answers. To slowly connect the dots and put the puzzle pieces together to fill the blanks, just so we could lay down every part of that other lifetime for us to understand where did everything went wrong.

There had been parts of the past, faces and names of the people that had become a part of my previous life that I could not recall or draw from my jumbled memory so easily. I may have seen or felt their presence in those memories, but some of them had appeared in my dreams merely as blurry shadows, faceless figures, people whose voice only came to me as if they had been submerged underwater.

Kim Namjoon was one of the missing pieces of the puzzle that had caused a rift in my friendship with Taehyung in another lifetime. In my memory, he was nothing but a nameless shadow, one that I feared and hated almost as much as the painful parts I shared with Jungkook from the past life. It took Taehyung finding him to help me remember everything—who he was, what he had done, and everything that happened then—all the broken memories had been unravelled the day Taehyung had first introduced me to this man sometime last semester.

And the reminder of who he was had come in the right time, because he had already become a part of Taehyung’s life through these activities he had been involved in. Because just like how it happened in the past life, Kim Namjoon was the one who had convinced Taehyung to join their movement.

The only difference now was that Taehyung had me by his side. That Taehyung had not been wounded when they first met.

In the past life, Kim Namjoon had come into Taehyung’s life when Taehyung needed someone to look up to, when Taehyung needed a friend and guidance while I kept on pushing him away, leaving him in the blind and completely alone. In that part of our lives, the man had come in at the right time, right when my best friend was completely vulnerable. And he had eased his way in so easily, filling the void in Taehyung’s life, saying all the right words and showing all the right things to have Taehyung follow him wherever he would go. What had started as a good cause to give Taehyung a purpose in life, it had ended leading him to get involved with the bad crowd, to join the bad business that Namjoon was secretly building behind his gentle smile and manipulative ways of making people around him feel special.

Taehyung had loved him with his wounded heart, and he had given the man everything. Only to have Namjoon suck his heart and soul dry, before tossing him away once he was done with him.

And I was not there to catch him when he fell.

“So what do you think? Are you going to join this one?”

The gathering event had ended two hours ago, and now we were heading towards the coffee shop where I had been working part-time for the past few months. Taehyung had insisted to walk me there despite his dorm being located in the opposite direction, saying that he was worried that I would slip if I had gone alone. After all the trouble we had by walking through the icy road and the slippery sidewalks this morning, I had no reason to argue. And I also knew that he only wanted to spend some more time with me before he had to leave for his part-time job, so I just let him be.

Ever since we watched Namjoon’s speech, Taehyung had been left in a daze. He had always reacted this way whenever he saw Namjoon. I was never quite sure whether it was due to my warnings regarding the man or if he had truly developed some sort of a crush or perhaps grown the same hero worship that he had for the man the same way he did in the different lifetime.

“I’m not sure yet,” he finally said. “Even if the cause is going to be just around the city, I don’t think I can make it if they’re starting around the same time my classes are starting over.”

His reasoning had made complete sense. But deep down, I also knew that he was lying. He was conflicted. I could feel it. And he was trying so much to hold back from whatever it was that had been bothering him.

Once Namjoon was done with his speech and the event presentation on stage, he had come down to approach Taehyung while the other students had started lining up to join the cause. He had pulled us both to the side, persuading us personally.

“It wouldn’t be as tiring as the one we did last time. We’re only visiting some of the schools at the neighbouring towns. We’re going to give classes, lend some care for the kids, do some health check-up, while the group from the Engineering Faculty will be there to help with technicalities, like building new facilities or fix old structures that didn’t survive the winter,” Namjoon had told the both of us, pretty much summarising his own presentation on stage to make sure that he would point out all the compelling factors to appeal Taehyung. “You’ve always enjoyed working on any causes that involve children, so I’m sure this would be perfect for you. Not to mention, we’ll be getting extra credits for each movement we make this semester with the faculty supporting us through funds and getting us sponsors.”

I could tell that he was getting through to Taehyung when I saw my best friend watching him with wide eyes. But I had been focusing more on Namjoon, letting my own curiosity and wonder get to me. And for someone who appeared so open, so enticing, and one whose main job was to approach people, Kim Namjoon was hard to read.

My memories of him had been nothing but scraps. It had seemed that in my other life, I had no opportunity to know him in person as he was merely a part of Taehyung’s world once our friendship fell apart and we became worlds apart. This time, I had more opportunities to know this man in person. Still, the only things I had come to know about him had only come from Taehyung.

The only thing I knew about him was that he was a year senior from us, focusing on Medical Studies to become a neurosurgeon. He was a brilliant student, had always come with the highest grade in his year, and he had been active in great causes to help people.

None of that information had ever told us the reason why everything fell apart for Taehyung when they began doing all of their causes together. We only knew that in the past life, Taehyung had gone away with him to a place far away, never to return until everything had been much too late. We just never knew when and how, and I knew that this was the reason why Taehyung had been so afraid to take the risk.

“Remember what you said to me back then, before I met Jimin? Back when I was too scared to even go out and have fun?” I asked him as we continued to walk in silence. The coffee shop had appeared on sight, so I knew that this would be the only chance I could ever be able to say this.

“No, I don’t. What did I say?”

I turned to him. “You told me to be cautious, but not too cautious that I don’t get to live and enjoy the present,” I said. “I know you’re worried about the risk of getting close to him without knowing what exactly happened to you in the past after you got together with him, but I know that you enjoy doing these things. So just go for it. If you do it, I’ll be there to join you so you won’t have to be there alone.”

Taehyung smiled at me as he listened to my promises. I could tell that he was relieved to hear it. “You would?”

“Didn’t I promise that I would never let anything come between us? Not this time,” I told him, reminding him all the promises that I had made back then when we found out that one of the many reasons why our lives had fallen apart was because neither of us was there for the other.

I had made a promise that I would never let that happen again. That I would never let him stray away from my life. No matter what. In a different life, I may have left him to fend for himself. This life had to be different. This time, we had each other.

“Right, okay,” he said, nodding to himself while sighing deeply. The frown that he had carried with him ever since we left the campus’ plaza disappeared when he looked at me. In its place came a smile, and a pair of eyes so bright it made me believe that he would be able to conquer everything if he wanted to.

“Thanks for coming with me this morning,” he said, giving me a side hug as we continued our walk.

“You know I don’t mind it. We haven’t been spending too much time together lately,” I told him as I leaned to him.

For the past few months, both of us had been busy focusing on our own lives. While my relationship with Jimin was blossoming, Taehyung was busy tackling different challenges in his life. We haven’t been spending a lot of time with each other the way we used to aside from the time we spent when we went back to our hometown together during the holidays, yet another reason why I had wanted to do this with him.

Despite our busy lives, things had been completely different still.

At least this time, he was still there, and he had yet to disappear from my life. Even if we couldn’t see each other, all we needed to do was to pick up the phone and we would be there for each other even through the distance.

“We’re still on for tonight, right?” he asked me just as we arrived at the coffee shop.

“Absolutely. Are you picking me up here once my shift ends?”

“Yeah. I might stop by at the library to drop some books, but I’ll come to get you right after,” he said, before giving me a hug as he said goodbye.

“Alright then. See you later.”

I stood in front of the coffee shop for a while longer, watching him walk away until he disappeared right around the corner on his way to the daycare center he had been working at. The coffee shop wasn’t too crowded when I walked in, with the majority of the students had yet to return on campus after the long winter break.

But that soon changed the moment my shift began, right when the rush of the lunch hour started. Students and workers from the nearby offices came in, forming a long line only minutes after I had taken over the cashier. The rush lasted for a little over an hour, much shorter than the regular hustle that would no doubt begin the moment the next term started at the end of the month.

Even if I had been out and active since early morning, I served the patrons with a smile on my face. Before I knew it, the line of customer started to dwindle. By the time I served the last patron, my back was sore and my legs were tight, but something was telling me that I wasn’t supposed to take a break yet. So I stayed behind the counter while my co-worker for the day—the only one there since many of the other staff had yet to return from their holiday—turned to ask if he could take a quick break while there was no customer coming in.

“I’m going to take a quick smoke break, is that okay? We can switch once I’m back,” he said, already in the middle of untying his apron to avoid getting some smoke on it.

“Sure, no problem. I got it handled.”

I turned back to check on my phone once he was gone, taking my time to reply to some messages that I got from Jimin who was asking about my day and my plans for the night. I had just pressed the send button when the bell at the front door chimed behind me, but it took me a few seconds too long to put my phone away before a deep voice called out.

“Excuse me. Can I make an order?”

I turned around to greet the new customer. But the moment I saw him, my body went frozen stiff and my head began to spin.

I had never met this person before. And yet, I remembered him.

Each time I tried to reclaim my memories, there was a void where someone was supposed to be a part of. There was a presence that was constant in almost every part of my painful memories. Yet aside from everyone that I had remembered so far, this person had always been nothing but a shadow, a faceless entity that was there, but never completely solid.

But the moment I saw him standing there, right on the other side of the counter, waiting for me to take his orders, his face brought all the missing pieces together. All the blurry images I had been seeing in my dreams came to me in flashing moments, so quick, so random, but far more clearly than how they all had been. His face filled all of those empty voids. His face, his eyes, his small smile, they replaced the faceless man who had been there by my side through all of the hurt, through all of my journeys.

In those dreams, in those flashing memories that I had been getting, I could never see the face of the man who was holding my hand while I was fighting for my life. And at that moment, as I was looking straight into this customer’s eyes, his face was all I see being there by my side.

He was there.

He was always there.

“Um—hello?”

The man waved his hand right in front of my face with an amused look, snapping me right out of my stupor.

“Oh, uh—yes, hi. Sorry, what can I get you?” I questioned him, unable to hold back the nervous chuckle that came bubbling out. Thankfully, he only smiled.

“I’ll have a cup of espresso and a bagel,” he said, only after taking a moment perusing through the menu placed above the counter.

My fingers were shaking when I was placing his orders into the cashier machine, so I kept my eyes down to make sure I wasn’t making a mistake. “Right. To go?”

He hummed softly and looked around. “Um—no, I think I’ll take them here.”

“Okay,” I said, taking a moment to finish up his orders. “Thank you. You can take a seat or wait on the counter. We’ll call your name once your order is ready.”

“Yeah, okay. My name is—”

“Yoongi,” I blurted out before he could even finish. For some reason, just like how his face filled all the missing puzzle, his name just came into my head as if I had known him my whole life.

When I saw his eyebrows came up to his forehead, I knew then that he was just as surprised as I was. “What? Have we met?”

“Um, well—” I began to stutter while my brain seemed to just stop working indefinitely. So I only said the first thing I could think of as an excuse, “You’re pretty well known. I mean, my friends know you. I just suddenly remember your name.”

Well, at least that was not a complete lie. I was pretty sure that perhaps some of my friends would know him, and I did just remember his name.

He looked at me with a frown, not looking entirely convinced, but he said nothing of it when he handed me his cash to pay for his orders. “Right, well. That’s me. I’m Yoongi.”

“Of course,” I said, avoiding his gaze as I put his money in. “I’ll call you when your coffee is ready.”

His eyes lingered on me for a few seconds, filled with curiosity and probably a bunch of other questions, but he only nodded. “Thanks,” he said to me as he walked to the other side of the counter, leaving me feeling lightheaded.

Everything seemed to be colliding together right at the same time. The final missing pieces of the puzzle were coming to place one at a time. As if the whole universe was trying to shove everything to my face, though I really had no idea just what it was trying to tell me.

—Present life. Hot and Spicy Grill. Year 2018—

As promised, Taehyung had picked me up at work right the moment my shift was up.

There was nothing much to say between us as we drove away in his small city car from the coffee shop, since I was still trying to process the shock of having the unexpected meeting during work earlier while Taehyung seemed like he was having his own turmoil to deal with. He was silent during the drive, looking distracted but thankfully not enough to derail him from driving the car properly. But his silence had made it hard for me to question it when he suddenly started leading the car away from the campus grounds and he kept going further until the car entered the freeway.

It took a few turns before the sight around me changed, the suburbs getting further away behind us, when I finally grew wary and curious that I simply had to speak up. “Are you sure we’re still going to dinner? You’re not planning on kidnapping me, are you?”

Taehyung’s eyes grew wide before he chuckled. “Sorry, it’s a surprise,” he said. “Don’t worry, I won’t go crazy and take you to any place with no civilisation like what Jimin did.”

Smiling, I looked away from him when my face began to flush. I had told him once about the surprise trip that Jimin had taken me to—which I had to spill because I had completely forgotten to call him back that night after we had just parted way minutes before Jimin came to pick me up. I had told him about how Jimin planned out an outdoor picnic with a thousand stars above us and the view of the valley everywhere I looked, though I had to skip telling him about the ‘dessert’ Jimin gave me under the same stars which had sent me flying to heavenly bliss.

Judging from the sly smirk he was making now, I supposed he had made his own guess to what had happened on the date once the food was left forgotten.

As I looked out the window, I finally realised that he was right. He was not taking me towards the same area that Jimin had taken me to. On the outer lane of the freeway, I saw buildings and dense trees instead of hills and valleys. And to my relief, what I was seeing was the kind of trees I would normally see packed up in the city. The lanes were getting more and more packed with cars as we went further, so I wasn’t quite surprised to see him turning to the exit heading downtown.

“Sorry for the long trip,” he said. “I just found out about this place a while ago and wanted to check it out. I figured if I want to take anyone here to try it then it should be you since we haven’t done this for a while.”

“Aww—that’s so nice that you’re thinking of me. You are truly the best friend every girl needs. The man after my own heart. Or, in this case, stomach,” I teased him, earning his laugh.

It didn’t take much longer than fifteen minutes after we were out of the freeway before he pulled into a small spaced parking lot, and my gaze fell on the small restaurant that seemed like it had only opened pretty recently. “Is it a barbecue and grill place? Awesome!”

“Figured you’ll love it,” he said, turning the car engine off. “Let’s go before the place gets packed with the dinner crowd.”

It didn’t take us long to be seated. But Taehyung was right. Not too long after we made our orders, more and more people started coming in and the place was full within minutes.

“I hope this place is good. People keep talking about this place so I bet these people came from everywhere around the city. I don’t even doubt that we would see some familiar faces from campus,” Taehyung told me after taking a quick look around.

“I’m really hungry I can eat anything at this point,” I said, smiling at him. It really didn’t matter where we were or if the trip here had been worth it. It was spending the time with my best friend during all of the things that had been going on in our lives which I had been most excited about.

The tables around us had started grilling and Taehyung seemed giddy in his seat, looking excited as he looked at the meal with a deep longing in his eyes and he licked his lips at the roasted beef cooking beside us. This was something that I had missed, enjoying our time together and to see him loosening up. Each time we were together, I would look at him and wonder how we ever came apart.

How much different was it back then between us compared to us now? Would we still have this if I had never learned all the mistakes we made in the past life?

Taehyung was picking on the welcome snacks when I felt my phone vibrating in my bag. Remembering that I had promised Jimin to text him the moment Taehyung had succeeded in picking me up at work while he couldn’t, I pulled out the phone and smiled when I noticed that he had messaged me first.

From Jimin: Hey, babe. Are you out with Taehyung?

From Jimin: I’m taking a break atm and I thought about you. Hope he didn’t decide to steal you away from me :(

A smile came to my face as I was reading through his messages. I could picture him sitting down in the middle of his dance practice, all sweaty and breathless while he was typing these words. My heart jumped and it made me realise how much I missed him, even if we had only been apart for a day thanks to our schedules.

To Jimin: I’m safe. He’s not kidnapping me or whatever, but you did give him an idea of taking me far away from campus

From Jimin: Sorry, my bad :p

To Jimin: How’s practice?

From Jimin: These guys are relentless. I’ll probably wake up all sore and bruised tomorrow

To Jimin: But you love it

From Jimin: I do :)

To Jimin: What time will you be done?

From Jimin: We’re doing one more round of practice then I’ll be on my way home

Home. The way he had said it made my heart stir. Ever since we became official, Jimin had repeatedly asked me to move in with him. But I have yet to give an answer, thinking that perhaps things had been going on too fast. If there was anything that I learned from putting all the pieces from my other life together was that moving too fast could lead to a disaster.

Would I dare risk it and say yes? I knew that it was something that my previous self—the other ’me’—had wished for. I saw her dreams as some broken fragments of memories in my dreams, had even mistaken them as actual memories until I managed to decipher them as parts of imaginations instead, and many of those images had shown me various types of white picket fence houses. The settings and everything else around them would be a blurry mess and they had kept changing each time they came to me, but there had always been one part of it that had been consistent, an invariable factor from all of these dreams—Jimin.

“Is that Jimin?” Taehyung questioned me the moment he noticed the expressions I was making as I was messaging my boyfriend back, not realising that my mind had started to wander. “Is he still at practice?”

Putting away my phone, I smiled at him. “Yeah. That’s him. He was checking on me. Kinda. I told him that I’d be with you while he’s busy with his dance.”

Taehyung tilted his head. “Doesn’t he bring you to his practices?”

“No,” I said, snickering to myself when I remembered how adamant Jimin had been to stop me when I insisted to come to his practice. “Jimin said it’s better for me to just watch the actual performance. I think he’s still a bit embarrassed to show me all the process behind his work.”

Taehyung chuckled. Shaking his head, he only commented lightly, “He probably didn’t want you distracting him. Or worse, have his friends coming on to you while he’s busy dancing.”

I rolled my eyes at him. Both of us knew that Jimin had a bit of a jealousy streak, but not so much that it made me feel suffocated just to be with him, or to feel like I was constantly walking on eggshells. The only way he had been showing it was to playfully complain or he would sometimes poke fun on me, acting sulky but never too much.

There was only one person in this world who could tick him off the wrong way. And honestly, Jimin was not the only one who was against this same person.

Looking up at Taehyung, I realised that he had never been kind to each time Jungkook’s name was mentioned. Out of everyone in my life, he was the only person who knew why I had to stay away from Jungkook. He was the only one who had heard all the stories, everything that I remembered from the other ’me’ and all that I felt when the memories returned.

Just like how I was the only person who knew what would happen to both of us if we would ever make another mistake.

Taehyung glanced towards the table next to us one last time, growing impatient while he was completely oblivious to where my mind had been wandering to. Watching him like this reminded me of how distracted he had been when he first came to pick me up, suggesting that something must have happened to him between the moment when we parted ways to the time he came by at the coffee shop. I had been waiting for him to talk about it, only to have him constantly acting as if I had yet to notice his odd behaviour.

“So how was your day?” I finally asked him when his gaze turned blank and he was suddenly becoming more interested in the paper napkin which he had placed on his lap. “You haven’t told me much about your work and your trip to the library.”

He shrugged. “It’s fine.”

That got me raising my brows. It was becoming more obvious to me now that he was trying to avoid talking about it. “Really?”

Taehyung looked up to me, pressing his lips before he released a defeated sigh. “I hate you,” he said, catching me off guard before he suddenly chuckled. “I hate that I can never lie to you.”

Smiling to him, I merely shrugged my shoulders the way he often did. “We’ve been friends since forever. If there’s one person in this world who knows you better than yourself, it would be me,” I said teasingly, before I added, “Second to Hoseok. Sometimes I wonder if he’s secretly your brother, not mine.”

Taehyung chuckled at that. There was no lie that he had come to grow close to Hoseok as we grew up together. Our friendship had started from a play date held by our Moms that happened when we were kids, only because our houses were located in the same block and I was the only one in the neighbourhood who was at the same age as he was. Then our friendship grew in elementary school when we promised to have each other’s backs, and we stayed close as we kept on going to the same school, doing the same things together growing up, then he stayed with me when I got sick and while I was recovering in the hospital years ago. But, as a boy, he had looked up to Hoseok as if he was his own older brother, and Hoseok had taken a liking to him especially because he had always wanted a brother.

“True. Though he wouldn’t be subtle if he wants to know stuff about me. He’d probably be snapping at me—Come on! Spill!” Taehyung jokingly imitated Hoseok’s tone of voice, which made me laugh when I saw his face and I could actually imagine my brother’s voice coming out of him.

“Seriously, though. What is it?” I asked again before he ever had a chance to change the topic around and avoid answering your question. “You came to the coffee shop looking like someone had just hurt your dog. And you’ve been pretty quiet when you’re not talking about this place and the food.”

Once again, he pressed his lips together. “Nothing much, really,” he started, though he suddenly grew restless in his seat and he began to look away, finding it hard to look into my eyes. He suddenly seemed nervous, yet I still felt a hint of relief when I didn’t see any guilt in his eyes, it would probably be worse if he was hiding something big from me.

“It’s just—” he said, clearing his throat. “I stumbled upon Namjoon at the library earlier.”

“You did?”

Are you sure that he was not stalking you? —Was what I had originally wanted to say, but I kept them to myself.

Taehyung looked down briefly before facing me again. “Right, so—he kept on asking me to join the cause and the rest of their spring activities cause they needed more people. Then he started asking me about my classes, the professors I’ve gotten this semester, before he suddenly asked if we could grab a coffee sometime.”

I blinked. He had spoken so quickly during the last part of his sentence that I wasn’t sure if I was hearing things right until it finally clicked for me a few milliseconds too long. “He asked you to go out for coffee?” I asked, to which he nodded. “Like—casually? Or—”

“Like—he just literally said, ‘Hey, why don’t we grab some coffee sometime and talk more?’, in a friendly kind of way,” he said, imitating Namjoon’s voice in his own way.

“What did you say to him?”

“Nothing,” he said, shrugging sheepishly. “I was kind of shocked and he only patted me in the back and walked away.”

I blinked again. “Funny how he seems to insist having you around a lot,” I muttered, before looking at him suspiciously. “He even came to you this morning while the gathering was clearing up. And you said he wasn’t interested to make a move on you.”

The waiter came in just then to drop our drinks and Taehyung took his time to take a sip of his cold beer before answering, “I don’t know either. He didn’t seem like he even noticed me that much in the past year.”

“How did you feel about his offer then?”

He raised his brows. “How I felt? Well—I certainly didn’t have all the goosebumps, the fireworks, or my heart beating fast cause I have no jumbled memories mixing in between the good and the bad, so—”

“Hey, watch it—” I warned him while pointing a straw at him. “No, I’m just asking cause it seemed to bother you a little.”

“It’s not. It’s just—” he seemed to contemplate his answers for a moment, like he was trying to find the best way to explain his trail of thoughts even while he was having trouble understanding it himself.

“I guess I was just wondering, why me?” he finally said. “I mean, I kind of understand why he would be approaching me—another ’me’—in the alter life. It must have been compelling to come on to someone who seemed broken and lost and I had probably seen him as my saviour, the light of my life after the darkness, the white knight.”

His overly dramatic expression had you raising your brows. “He’s kind of a heartthrob too.”

“Yeah—” he hummed. “I won’t even deny the fact that he’s attractive. But normal me? This me? I wouldn’t have picked him as the type of guy I’d be dating if I would—” he stopped and started glancing around, as if he was afraid that someone might be listening in. “You know.”

And I did know what he was trying to tell me. For someone who had been open about his sexual preferences, he was still wary about the world around us, not too sure on how they would perceive him.

He leaned back on his seat when he added, “He seems so put together too. But after knowing what would have happened if I had just let things be, I can somehow look past his false act of composure and find him seem a bit unhinged.”

“Seriously?” I questioned him, laughing. “Unhinged? Have you been reading criminal fiction novels in your Psych classes?”

He rolled his eyes. “You know what I mean.”

I laughed at him, but then stopped myself as I watched him closely. While a part of me was relieved that he believed me enough to tread things carefully, I was also feeling the guilt for allowing him to build his own boundaries by giving him all the warnings on what was supposed to be our future. Even though he was giving it the best he could, I still worried that he might not be living his life to the fullest potential just because he was afraid to make any decision that could lead to the end of our friendship.

Taehyung looked at me when I fell silent. “What? Why aren’t you saying anything?”

Sighing, I had no choice but to share my thoughts on this. “Just wondering if I’ve made the right decision on letting you know about your supposed future. What if my memories had been wrong this whole time and it wasn’t Namjoon that I saw? What if he’s just a good guy with his mind on his good cause who happens to have an innocent crush on my best friend?”

Taehyung seemed to ponder on it briefly before shaking his head. “I’ve been talking shit and making long speeches about you risking things by not staying away from this dude who had supposedly ruined your life and your trust to other human beings—”

I rolled my eyes. “His name is Jungkook.”

But he continued on, ignoring me completely. “—so I’ve decided not to risk mine. Second chances, remember?”

His words made me stop. I bit my lip and nodded. “Second chances.”

Taehyung gave me a grim smile when he nodded back, but it also appeared to me that there was a huge weight being pulled away from his shoulders. As if being honest with each other had been freeing for him, something that I was feeling too.

Noticing that our meal order had yet to arrive at our table, Taehyung looked around and pushed himself out of his seat. “The food’s going to be here any minute but I’m going to need the restrooms. I’ll be right back,” he said, before he left his seat to make a quick run to the restrooms at the back.

I watched him leave just in time for my phone to vibrate in my hand. I looked down, opening the messaging app immediately for thinking that Jimin had texted some more before his practice would start again, only to stop when I saw Jungkook’s name flashing on the screen instead.

From Jungkook: Hey, I hope I’m not texting you with your boyfriend around :p

From Jungkook: It’s been a while since I’ve seen you at the pub

From Jungkook: Is everything okay?

Biting my lips, I looked over to where I saw Taehyung had disappeared to and breathed a sigh of relief that the message had come in while he was gone. Taehyung would have only needed to take one look at my face before he would start asking questions, including why I had been texting with Jungkook from time to time.

To Jungkook: everything’s fine

To Jungkook: Been a bit busy, that’s all. How are you?

From Jungkook: doing okay

From Jungkook: I’m finally back on campus and I just got my schedules at the pub. Will be performing on stage next Friday night

From Jungkook: Will you come?

I lowered the phone to my lap, having no idea how to respond. While most of our texts had been about keeping up with each other’s lives, there had been a few times when he would invite me to his show at the pub. I had only come to watch him a couple of times, most of them without even saying hello to him directly and leaving before giving him a chance to sit with me. I knew it was wrong to keep in touch and talk to him like this after what I had promised my best friend before, but it had not been easy for me to ignore him.

And he was not someone who would give up so easily either that ignoring his text messages was never a choice. Not when he would often try to find me or even call me until he could talk to me.

From Jungkook: ________?

Another message came in, letting me know that he was waiting for my response. Biting my lip, I pondered over the options. What was I supposed to say? And would he be happy to hear what my answers if I had refused to come?

And why on earth was I already wondering what clothes to wear for the night at the pub?

To Jungkook: Sorry

To Jungkook: I’ll try to be there. What time?

From Jungkook: the second stage of the night. 8 PM

From Jungkook: I’ll be waiting :)

Reading through his response, my stomach turned and my chest grew tight with guilt. There was no way out of this now. And I really had no idea what I was doing either, knowing that Friday night would be the night I would usually come to stay at Jimin’s place so we could spend the weekend together.

“Fuck,” I cursed at myself, before tossing my phone into my bag to avoid looking through his messages again.

The meal we ordered had just arrived at the table when Taehyung returned, with the waiter apologising to the two of us repeatedly about the long wait, explaining to us overwhelmed they were as the restaurant was a full house for the night. As Taehyung returned to his seat, the waiter walked away from our table, and my eyes were drawn to follow him as he weaved through the floor between the tables to return to the kitchen area.

That was when I saw him. His head bobbing over the other seated guests as he walked across the room until he found the table that seemed to have been reserved for him.

“What?” Taehyung questioned me when he noticed, his voice drawing my attention when I was still looking far away. “What is it?” he asked again when he got no answer, then he began looking around the seating area to find what I was looking at.

“I saw someone. From campus. Though it seems a bit odd that he had come all the way to this place to eat,” I said, disregarding the fact that it had been the same case for us since Taehyung and I had driven far to be there too. “There, he’s on the table at the corner. Wearing a black shirt and a black cap.”

He followed the direction I was subtly pointing to, taking a few seconds before his eyes grew with recognition when he finally found Yoongi at the other side of the restaurant.

“You know him?” he asked, raising his brows at me when he turned to me again. “I thought the only people you know on campus are just me, Jimin, and his cousin.”

“Ha, ha, funny,” I sneered at him while rolling my eyes while he enjoyed having been able to mock me about it. But then my eyes went back to his table, seeing Yoongi with another man who looked like him, but a bit older.

“He came to the coffee shop earlier today on my shift,” I told him, finding him looking at Yoongi again as if he wanted to make sure. “You know who he is?”

He turned back to you with wide eyes. “Min Yoongi? Everyone knows him. He’s pretty popular among the frat boys. He’s always leading his friends on the stuff they always organise in their frat houses, though he hasn’t really been in the scene that much lately.”

“And you have?”

He scoffed at me. “Hey, unlike you, I still have a reputation to uphold,” he teased me, snickering when I gave him a scowl. “My dorm mate gets invited to their parties a lot and I always go with him when I can.”

I looked over to Yoongi again, noticing the broody look that he was wearing even as he was chatting with his companion. His brother, more likely, since they looked pretty similar from this distance. Except that when Yoongi was wearing a dark shirt, his brother was wearing something lighter and a bit too formal for a grill house. “So, why hasn’t he been around?”

“Seems like he’s graduating this year, and rumours said he had already taken a job at his brother’s company so he no longer spends much time on campus unless necessary,” he explained slowly before he began glancing around warily the way he did previously. “But, um—there’s also this rumour going around.”

I snapped my head to look at him. “What kind of rumour?”

Taehyung took another quick glance at Yoongi before leaning closer so he could whisper, “Someone said they caught him kissing a TA. A male TA. It happened at a dorm party.”

My eyes grew instantly wide and I had to lean closer as I whispered angrily, “And people just—what? Stay away from him?”

Taehyung shrugged. “I’m not sure, but it seems like his friends are beginning to dwindle. I don’t think it’s because they’re afraid of the repercussions from sticking around or if it’s because there’s a possibility that he’s queer if the rumours are true, it’s just—” he swallowed hard, looking sympathetic as he glanced one more time towards Yoongi’s table before looking at me again, and I knew that the look he was giving me was there only due to the fact that he had once been in his shoes. “He’s been hiding this for so long, if it’s really true. Maybe they’re just pissed cause he’s been keeping a secret. You know how those frat boys are, they hold secrets like a treasure.”

They sure did.

Because according to one of my strongest memories of all, one of the biggest secrets that had been painful enough for me to remember from my past life was how Jungkook’s friends had also had a hand in hiding his sins from me.

Shaking my head, I chose to look away from Yoongi. “Still seems so stupid to just turn their backs on him like that just because of some rumours,” I wondered out loud, when the bitter truth of how he was left abandoned by the same people who were supposed to support him through it truly sunk in.

“It makes you think. Doesn’t it?” he asked me, though it sounded more like he was wondering out loud just like I was.

“About what?” I asked him.

“How you can’t always depend on others to stay in your life forever,” he said to me with an as-matter-factly tone, though it also sounded bitter, because he had experienced it too. Meeting his eyes, I was suddenly glad that I had been able to show him that he deserved the kind of support he needed too.

As we continued with our dinner, talking about all the silly and mundane things from our daily lives, I couldn’t shake the nagging thought still hanging in the back of my head. Too many coincidences happening on the same day. Right at that moment, just when I recounted that I had met Yoongi coincidentally twice in the same day after not being able to remember him for so long, something in my head clicked.

I just didn’t know what to do about it. And I had no idea how I could make it all possible to even happen.

—First life. St. Vincent’s Hospital, year 2027—

As the final weeks before the surgery slowly started creeping up on me, I was slowly becoming a complete nervous wreck.

The fact that I was having an on and off fever also did not help my case at all. I was feeling like crap, was constantly exhausted, without knowing if the reason I kept on falling asleep was due to the overwhelming dose of painkillers that still remained in my blood or if my body had succumbed to the lingering pain that had only been intensifying, as if the masses in my body knew that they were about to be torn to pieces and they were giving their last fight.

My family, which mainly included Hoseok and Kara with the additional help from Yoongi, had been coming and going to stay with me and nurse me whenever needed. I knew that they were trying to ease my mind by staying positive whenever they were around, lifting my spirit while distracting me with things that they knew would make me happy. They would do everything they could, from bringing me movies, books, sometimes food or snacks that I could take without breaking the doctors’ rules and ones that I could swallow easily, to telling me stories or life updates that would be able to stop me from thinking about all the negative things I was facing.

But as the days were coming closer to the day of the surgery, not a single thing could help ease my mind. It was then when I finally realised that the fear had never truly sunk in, and it was only then that my brain was finally processing the fact that I was about to face a high-risk procedure that—according to some of the things I had been reading while I was preparing for it—also had a high chance of failure. And every illusion that I had let itself grow inside my mind, the false hope and optimism shattered like a glass wall and I was faced with the reality that perhaps all of what I was about to go through would be nothing but a fruitless attempt of getting me out of my bind.

It was even worse because I also knew that the people around me were doing all they could to hide the fact that Jimin had been absent.

The emptiness I felt without him there had seemed like a void, a black hole that was growing larger inside me, as if it would be strong enough to swallow me from within. That was when I realised how much I needed him, and I could never imagine how life would be if I no longer had him by my side.

The last time I came to see him, he had been recovering from a long day of tests and treatments, and I had stayed in his room until he was feeling better, only after I had made sure that he was strong enough to go through the days without constantly being under watch.

Not too long after we parted ways, I was getting prepared for the surgery that I was no longer allowed to leave the room or to roam the hospital as freely as I had before. Though the reason why I had not been able to come and see him was not only due to the restrictions given to me, but also because my body had simply given up. I had no energy, and the pain was getting too unbearable as I was getting less painkillers to allow my body to take in more of my new meds.

The last time I saw him again was when I was under heavy medication. I was having a high fever that day and I heard his voice talking to my brother and the residing nurse to ask about my condition. I felt him holding my hand and kissing my forehead each time I woke up, barely able to speak, but seeing his face through my bleary eyes felt like a breath of fresh air. When I woke up feeling much better later that night, he was no longer there, but his warmth remained.

The only thing that had been making me worried was knowing that there had to be a reason why he had yet to come and visit me ever since. In other—more regular—days, he would appear in my room to each time I was unable to visit. He had also promised to stay by my side through this surgery, and yet, only a couple of days left and there was still no sign of him, letting me wondering if there was something wrong.

“I can check on him if you want,” Yoongi finally offered after noticing how anxious I had been the whole day. He must have caught me glancing towards the door even as we were sitting there, watching the movie playing from his laptop together. Perhaps he knew that my head had never been on the movie, just like it had always been.

I looked at him and sighed. “Could you?” I finally relented and asked him. “I asked Soyeon about him but she didn’t say much except that Jimin is still recovering. We text at night before bed, but he’d never answer when I ask how he’s doing.”

Yoongi simply nodded. “You know, it’d probably be easier if you guys just share a room together, huh?” he wryly said.

“I wish,” I chuckled, rolling my eyes before I realised just how tempting the idea had sounded. “Is something like that even possible though?”

Yoongi shrugged. “I’ve heard of family members or spouses with terminal illnesses being put together in the same room, but I don’t know if it’s possible on your case. I could have Hoseok or Kara to ask around. They’re the ones who are listed as your family.”

Shaking my head, I turned to look at the laptop again. “I don’t even know if Jimin would agree.”

“I’m sure he’s just as devastated as you are that he can’t come to see you.”

“You really think so?” I questioned him, finding him frowning when I looked up. “Thanks for trying to lift up my spirits. I feel like you’re treating me like I’m your teenage younger sister or something.”

Looking at me, Yoongi merely scoffed. “I never had any teenage younger sister to take care of so I wouldn’t know.”

When a visitor finally came by to my room later in the night, it was not Jimin.

Yoongi was putting his coat on to leave for the night after staying with me all day when Jungkook appeared in the doorway. There was another bouquet of white flowers in his hand—the same as the ones he had been sending me every day—and a deep scowl on his face when he exchanged gazes with Yoongi.

Yoongi clenched his jaw, obvious enough to show his dislike at Jungkook’s appearance. He didn’t even bother to greet my ex-husband as he turned to me. “Do you want me to stay a bit longer?”

I looked back and forth between them, only to have Jungkook looked away when I met his eyes, though his gaze softened just a little when he saw how uncomfortable I felt at the tension that was rising from them together. Sighing to myself, I could only choose to diffuse the situation by letting Yoongi go on his way.

“It’s okay. You have that date to go to and it won’t be long before Kara gets here anyway,” I told Yoongi, though it was clear that he didn’t exactly enjoy accepting my choice.

“You sure?” he asked again, to which I only nodded. He came to my bed while shaking his head, but he chose not to say a thing when he kissed my forehead aside from telling me to call him if I needed anything. “Promise me to let me know if anything happens.”

“I promise.”

He gave me a final nod before turning to the doorway, where Jungkook was still standing. Both of them stood facing each other for a few awkward seconds before Jungkook finally stepped aside to allow him to pass without saying a word to each other.

The moment Yoongi left, the air between us rippled into a different kind of tension. When it was only between him and Yoongi, all I could feel was their rage, their hostility against each other. But now, as Jungkook was making his way slowly towards the bed, there was a sense of awkwardness that grew between us.

Only a year ago, he was the only man that I had ever loved. Though our marriage was not perfect, he was still a huge part of me that I called home, no matter how lonely that ‘home’ would feel like at times. Tonight, it felt like he was a stranger. There was still a pull inside my chest that felt so tight I could hardly breathe, but it was not enough to have me opening my arms to welcome him with a warm embrace.

Jungkook looked around the room with a wry smile on his face. “You’ve kept the flowers,” he murmured softly as he saw all the white flowers that still remained, finding each one being kept in different vases in all sizes before looking back at me.

“Kara and my nurse, Soyeon, took care of them. If the boys had been the ones who received them, they’d end up somewhere else,” I told him with a chuckle, choosing not to tell him that there had been some that had only ended being tossed into the trash. Mostly on Yoongi’s doing, because Hoseok had always opted on passing them on to the other female nurses who had slowly grown into becoming his admirers.

Jungkook nodded as he listened, and I noticed that his grip on the bouquet had somehow tightened. “May I?” he asked, pointing at the empty chair next to my bed which Yoongi had been using all day.

“Sure,” I said, as I watched him take his seat.

“Here, these are for you,” he said to me as he handed the small bouquet of white roses to me, forcing me to peel my fingers away from the sheets that I had been clutching tightly ever since the moment he appeared at the door.

“Thank you,” I whispered. My fingers felt cold when I took the flowers from his hands. My skin crawled when our fingers touched. It was an odd feeling, when in the past, each of his gentle touches would be able to send my heart racing and my body would shudder in pleasure. It truly felt like he was no longer a part of me, as if the years we shared together had been a distant memory that was no longer mine.

I instantly pulled my hand away and kept the flowers on my lap. I didn’t miss the way he flinched when I avoided his touch, nor did I miss the look of hurt and disappointment that lingered in his eyes when he saw me clutching the flowers tightly on my lap, as if I was using them as a shield to protect me from him.

“How are you feeling?” he finally asked after a brief moment of silence. He cleared his throat and blushed when he noticed me looking up. “I, uh—I heard the surgery is in a couple of days.”

I nodded. “Two days,” I said, and my heartbeat accelerated almost immediately. He must have noticed it when my skin blanched, when the rush of panic came over me.

“Oh, shit,” he muttered. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to—”

“It’s okay,” I quickly told him. “It’s just that it feels surreal, dealing with it. I still haven’t completely wrapped my mind around it. It felt like a long time ago when I agreed to go through with it, so I’ve tried not to think about it too much. But then, suddenly it’s only days apart.”

Jungkook nodded as he tried to understand, and the concerned look on his face remained. “You’ll get through this just fine, I know it.”

I looked up, giving him a small smile. “How can you be so sure?”

Pressing his lips, Jungkook avoided my gaze for a moment. “Because you’re strong,” he finally said to me. “You’re always the stronger one between us. You’ve gotten through everything and still came out of it in one piece, whereas I could only burn things to dust and destroy everything I touched.”

Shaking my head, my words slipped out of me before I could stop them. “Not everything.”

His gaze found me, looking surprised to hear what I said, while I had to look away when once again all of the good memories that we had shared together went through my mind. My fingers clenched tighter around the flowers when I wondered just how everything fell into pieces, though what was left inside me was nothing but a numbing rage, when all the hurt he had given me had seized to give me pain since a long time ago.

Jungkook shifted in his seat, pulling my attention back to him. He was still avoiding my gaze, giving me a chance to finally take him all in. There were a lot of changes going on with him. He had always looked pristine, even when he was hiding his pain inside him. But there were also those moments in time, especially while we were battling for our divorce, when he looked terribly broken. He had stopped taking care of himself, leaving his hair constantly messy and his face looking dark and gloomy. I remembered seeing his eyes red and swollen, with deep, dark bags under them growing darker each time with all the sleepless nights he went through and all the drinking that he had resorted to just to escape from everything.

Now, he had looked much better, making good of his words to take care of himself while I was battling my own illness. His body had grown toned and broader, a sign that he had reserved back to working out and eating healthy again. His eyes were much brighter than how I had seen him last, as he had promised me time and time again that he would stop drinking so he could always be in his clear mind while he was supporting me. And then I caught the sight of his hair, looking thicker and longer as he styled them to the back of his head.

“You look good,” I said, making him look at me again. “Healthier. And you’ve kept your hair longer.”

He smiled and ran his fingers through his hair. “Not on purpose,” he admitted with a shrug. “I used to have my wife reminding me to go to the barbershop. Sometimes she would do it herself, have me sit down in the kitchen as she would cut my hair for me. Now, I can’t even decide what style of hair to choose for myself because I’d never know what would look good for me.”

I looked down just as my eyes started burning. There was nothing I could do to stop the tears from building up, threatening to flow like a river.

“Sorry, fuck—” I heard Jungkook’s voice cursing at himself before he leaned forward, catching my wrist and holding it gently in his hold. His thumb began rubbing gently on my skin and the dam of tears just broke apart. “I really need to learn how to shut up, but I just cannot help myself.”

I laughed nervously, though they came out with a round of sobbing when I continued crying. It took a moment before I calmed down. As much as I hated to admit it, the way he was softly holding my hand truly helped put myself together.

“I do miss you. That’s not a lie,” he whispered softly, meeting my eyes when I looked up. He reached out with his free hand, brushing my tears away. “You might not see it, but it feels so empty without you. I tried. I promise you, I have tried. Not to move on by seeing anyone else, because other women always remind me of you, but I try to live my life the best I could, to take care of myself the way you would do it for me, but nothing could fill up the empty space you left behind.”

Shaking my head, I tried to pull away from him. “Jungkook—”

His grip tightened, and he refused to let me go. “No, I’m not doing this to beg you to come back. I swear. I just want to tell you how I feel before I’d explode.”

Drawing a shaky breath, I tried my best to calm my heartbeat before I looked at him again. “Can we talk about something else, please?”

Jungkook looked at me for a moment longer then nodded his head. “Sure,” he said, before he proceeded in telling me things about what he had been doing lately. He made me laugh when he talked about meeting up with his friends, reuniting with his mates from college and spending the whole night playing pool.

“No, I didn’t drink,” he said to me when I asked him about it. “Been sober for almost six months now. There’s no way I can break that promise to you now,” he added, making me smile wider with relief brewing in my chest. “Eunwoo got a bit crazy though. Seconds after he agreed to join me on the next AA meeting, he ordered a full bottle of a 12 years-old Macallan and finished almost three-quarters of it on his own.”

“And the only thing you drank was Coke?”

Nodding his head, he smiled proudly. “Yes, Ma’am. I was on my best behaviour the whole night,” he said, and I felt instantly proud of him. The feeling was bittersweet, however, because I couldn’t stop wondering what our lives would have been like if he had as much control back then when we were together.

“I’m glad,” was all that I could say to him. “I’m happy to know that you’re living a better life.”

Pressing his lips together, he reached out to grab my hand. “And you are going to be there to continue watching me as I make better changes in my life, so you can witness me as I grow to be the man that you can feel proud of,” he said to me, and another set of tears escaped from me. Tightening his hold on my hand, he reached out to my chin and turned my face so I could look at him.

“Listen to me. You’re going to get through this, be stronger and healthier. I know you would. I know it’s scary, but I’m here. As much as I want to beg for you to come back to me, the only thing I need for you is to fight a good fight. We’ll get through this, and we will both have a much better life. We’ll watch each other as we both move on and find our happiness, to make the most of the rest of our lives, whether we’re doing it together or apart. Okay?”

At this point, I was a sobbing mess. The fear was still clawing from within. But his words gave me a new strength that I never knew I could still feel. It probably wouldn’t be enough to make sure that I could make it through, but it was enough to help me look at what was beyond me with a different kind of light.

As I looked into his eyes, I found a new kind of calmness that I had thought I had lost. What I saw in his eyes then would never be the same as what I had seen from him in the past, when he was the reason for me to carry on. But for now, this was more than enough. Taking one last deep, shaky breath, I looked straight into his eyes and nodded. I knew it was wrong to take comfort from the same man that had caused me a lot of pain, the same man that had also caused all the darkest times of my life.

But I knew that he was right and I needed to engulf myself in the comfort of his warmth just as long as I could find strength in them. No matter how scary it would be, I knew that I had to fight it. I needed to. And I had to survive through this no matter what.

“Okay.”

Jimin finally came to see me on the last day I had before the surgery.

It only took waking up to his smile to feel like I was coming alive again, even though I had to take a moment to make sure that I was not dreaming, that he was actually there.

I looked over his shoulder, noticing that the sky outside the window was still dark. the sun had barely come up, which meant that he came in way before the first round of nurses started. On the couch across the room, I saw Kara still deep in her sleep. She had come around the time Jungkook was ready to leave last night, and she had stayed all night to keep me company.

Out of everyone, Kara had been the one who would stay with me overnight. She has admitted once that she was worried that I would feel lonely should I ever wake up in the middle of the night without anyone by my side.

Another reason for her to stay was because of the memory we shared about my Mom. At one of the conversations that we have had where we talked about my mother, I had told her about the late-night phone calls that my Mom made while she was ill. Her eyes instantly lost their light, knowing that one of the many reasons why my mother had been left in the hospital all by herself during those times were because of her. Because my father had chosen to spend the night with his mistress instead of staying by my mother’s side.

“I would remember her whenever I think about you sleeping alone at night in this lousy hospital, afraid and lonely,” she said once after she had asked for a cot and an extra blanket for her to sleep in. “I won’t be able to sleep well at night when it happens. Take it as my redemption. I can’t change the past, but I sure as hell won’t let the same thing happen to you.”

Gentle kisses along my knuckles brought me back to the man sitting next to my bed. Jimin smiled at me when I looked at him. He had my hand in his grip, his lips pressing on my skin as he trailed soft kisses that sent delicate shivers through my body. His touches were enough to warm me up against the cold air conditioner blasting in the room.

“Morning, beautiful,” he whispered, making sure to keep it down so he wouldn’t wake Kara.

“Morning,” I answered him, still completely in a daze as I took in the sight of him. “You’re really here.”

His gaze softened as he gave me a wry smile. “I’m sorry that it took me so long to come and see you again,” he said, and only then did I realise that his voice was hoarse and weak, hidden in his whispers.

And then it took him pulling away for me to notice everything that I had missed—the wheelchair he was sitting on, the thinning hair under his beanie hat, the bags under his red-rimmed eyes, the sunken cheeks, the blisters on his lips—and my heart dropped.

“Jimin—” I choked, to which he quickly pressed a finger on my lips to stop me from talking.

“Sshh—I know, I look like hell,” he said, chuckling softly. Though the sound immediately turned into a set of coughs until he managed to take a deep breath and hold it in. “And I’ve been through hell.”

My eyes burned with tears, but I did all I could to stop them from falling. Yet I couldn’t stop myself from questioning him, “Why didn’t you say anything? Why didn’t you tell me? Why didn’t anyone—”

“Because I didn’t want you to worry about me when you already have so much to worry about on yourself,” he said to me with a sad smile. “I asked the nurses to not tell you anything. I couldn’t leave my room and let you see me when I was at my worse. You need to focus on yourself, on what’s happening tomorrow. I should be the last thing in your mind to worry about.”

Shaking my head, I leaned towards him and let him took my hand in his once again. “It’s not fair.”

He smiled at me and said, “It’s only fair. I shouldn’t be in the way of your recovery.”

“You never were. I need you, and I want to be there to support you too.”

“I know. That’s why I’m here now. I’ve done all I could to get strong enough to be here today so I could see you,” he said, pulling my hand in his so he could place my palm on his cheek, giving me a chance to feel him. “You know that I will always be here to support you.”

“Always? Promise?” He only answered me with a nod of his head, but it was enough for now. “Can you stay here with me?”

Jimin glanced over his shoulder and tipped his head. “Will your guardian let me?”

I looked over to Kara’s sleeping form and smiled. “She has to.”

And indeed she did. Kara knew how much I had missed Jimin and how his presence helped make a lot of changes that she even let Jimin use the cot that she had neglected the night before so he could rest once in a while. Even the nurses had come to let Jimin take his medicines without him returning to his room.

“Told you that things would be easier if we had just been placed in the same room,” Jimin joked at Soyeon when she came into the room while shaking her head at him. His comment surprised me as I had never thought he would even consider it.

“You asked them for a room transfer?”

Jimin shrugged with a sheepish smile. “Hey, I tried. I’ve thought about it ever since you got sick from your trips down the halls at night to see me.”

I looked at him, not believing what I just heard. Never once in my mind I had considered it possible for us to share a room that I had pushed away every hope of making it happen. I was completely speechless that all I could do was hold his hand. It was Soyeon who spoke next, breaking the moment we were sharing.

“If you want, I can submit another request once you’ve gone through the surgery,” she said, while Jimin and I exchanged looks.

“Can you do that?”

Soyeon glanced at Kara who was now giving her a hopeful look and smiled. “I can ask your doctor to have permission for transfer,” she answered me with a wink.

“If Doctor Kim agrees, then it’ll leave only one last hurdle that might get in the way,” Jimin said, breaking whatever spell we were in before either one of us even had a chance to celebrate the possible good news.

“What is it?”

Jimin gave me a sad smile and said, “Your ex-husband.”

It was finally the day of the surgery.

Everyone had been here with me since this morning, waiting in the room with me. While my anxiety had peaked through the roof the day before, I was surprisingly calm ever since I had woken up this morning. Meanwhile, everyone else seemed to be on the edge since the moment I woke up and it even got worse when the nurse came in just one hour before I was supposed to be taken to the operating room, handing me the last medicine for the day.

The frown on Hoseok’s face kept on slipping out no matter how hard he tried to hide it behind his smile. Even the years that had passed during the period of time when we fell apart couldn’t change the fact that I knew my brother. That I would be able to catch on to his emotions so easily despite his efforts of hiding them from me.

He was not the only one who was restless, as Yoongi kept fidgeting in his seat. He had been silent all day, tension continued to roll out of his shoulders as he sat with Hoseok across the room.

As I was forbidden to consume any food or water, Kara found nothing to do to distract herself and she had opted to stay by my side. I had to respect her for trying her best to stay calm, though the moment she held my hand and she started praying for the two of us, it almost felt like I was the one calming her down until her fingers stopped shaking.

“It’ll be okay,” I finally said to her when she gave me yet another forced smile the moment our eyes met. But everyone in the room knew that I was speaking for all of us, especially myself, when I added, “Everything’s going to be fine.”

Jimin came to my room just when it was almost time for me to go. He came in on his wheelchair, with Nurse Soyeon pushing him into the room. Everyone instantly stepped aside to give us space, allowing Jimin to settle down next to the bed, where he took my hand to hold and he could lean in just close enough to give me a kiss.

“I’ll be here until the moment they come to pick you up,” he whispered to me between his gentle kisses, then gave me another promise before he pulled away, “And I’ll be here when you wake up.”

“Promise?”

“I promise.”

After that moment, time seemed to stand still. Neither of my family dared to speak, afraid that any word they said would burst any bubble that we found ourselves in, to allow the reality to sink in and take over the serene feeling we were having. But they kept hovering around me, making sure that I was calm and ready, though I felt more numb than I was probably supposed to.

It wasn’t until the moment when Soyeon returned with another nurse from our floor, pushing a gurney into the room with the help of an orderly, when the silent tension in the room broke apart.

“It’s time,” Soyeon said to me with a calm voice that did nothing to stop my heartbeat from pacing rapidly in my chest. Jimin must have sensed the change in my mood, because he immediately pulled me to him and held me tight, whispering sweet words to calm me down.

“It’s okay, baby. Take a deep breath. Close your eyes and focus on me,” he kept telling me, making sure that I followed his words until I was breathing calmly again.

“Okay, I’m ready,” I nodded at Soyeon after giving Jimin one last kiss and sending one last smile to my family.

As everyone stepped back and I was carefully transferred from the bed to the gurney, the numbness returned to me and I let myself to be engulfed in it. Even the pain that came piercing through my spine during the transfer couldn’t snap me out of it. The sense of calm felt even stronger as Jimin grabbed my hand and gave me one last squeeze only moments before the orderly began pushing me out of the room.

“I’ll come with you,” I heard Hoseok said, as if watching me leave the room had snapped him out of his trance and he quickly rushed to walk alongside the gurney as we left our family behind. The last thing I saw when I took one last glance was Yoongi placing his arm around Kara’s shoulders as she cried soundlessly, and Jimin smiling at me as he placed his palm over Kara’s hand that was resting on his shoulder.

The trip from my room towards the operating section on our floor felt like an eternity. I barely paid attention to our surroundings as we made a few turns down the hallways, focusing more on my breathing pattern as I kept myself calm, until I suddenly saw him standing not too far from the doorways leading to the operating area.

“Jungkook,” I called out to him as the gurney slowed down to a stop right where he was waiting for me. He nodded briefly at Hoseok before he turned to me, giving me a warm smile despite the way his eyes were watching me closely as if he was afraid I would disappear.

“You came,” I said, and he nodded.

“I decided I’d wait for you out here so you could have a moment with your family,” he told me, and my eyes moved to his hands, where I found yet another bouquet of white flowers, and his smile widened as he followed my gaze.

“These flowers will be waiting for you in your room to greet you once you return,” Jungkook said, before he leaned down, pressing his lips on my forehead as he whispered. “You’re going to be alright.”

His eyes were glassy with tears when he straightened up, but he forced himself to smile as he brushed gently at my cheek for one last time before he stepped back, allowing the gurney to pass. I kept my eyes on him until I could no longer see him, and Hoseok pulled my attention right before he had to let me go.

“We’ll be waiting for you out here,” he said to me while squeezing my shoulder gently. I could tell that he was trying his best not to cry in front of me, so I put on my brave face and smiled.

“Make sure to buy me some of my favourite ice creams when I come back, will you?”

He nodded and chuckled softly. “I’ll fill up the fridge with them for you.”

“Ready?”

The nurse that was going to assist the surgeons was the one I was not familiar with, but she was friendly and nice that I stayed calm despite the complicated preparations that would have scared me away. I already felt slightly intimidated just minutes ago, when I was pushed into this room with only strangers standing around me. But the thought of my family who would be waiting right outside those doors, and knowing that Dr. Kim would also be here to assist the procedure, all had done more than calm my nerves that all I had to do was wait until this moment would come.

“I’m going to put this mask on you. Just breathe in normally, and you will feel sleepy in no time. Just don’t panic, and focus on counting down or just think of good things, okay?”

“Okay,” I told her, nodding my head before I let her put the breathing mask on my face.

She gave me a smile that was hidden under her mask as I settled back down on the bed, while she carried on with the preparations, helping the surgeons and welcoming Dr. Kim as he came into my line of sight.

His voice was calm, but I barely paid attention to any word he said to me as he introduced the other doctors that had come in with him. I only responded with a nod to each time he spoke, until he instructed me to continue breathing as the only thing they needed to do was to wait until the anaesthetic drugs they had given me would take effect.

Everything around me seemed to move in slow motion afterwards. It felt as if I had left my body and I was watching things unfolding from the outside looking in. I followed the nurse’s instruction as I began breathing normally, taking deep breaths while counting down slowly, until I started to feel heavy with sleep. It didn’t take long until I finally gave in as there was never a fight in me to stop me from getting under, and I felt myself drifting away merely seconds after.

That was when everything happened.

They had all said that when you went under, your whole senses would not be able to tell you about anything happening around you, leaving you completely oblivious to what they were doing to your body.

That was not what seemed to be happening to me.

My senses were completely numb, but I was still there. I was still present. My body was no longer moving, but I was terribly aware. A thick blanket of darkness folded around me, cloaking me from the world that still existed around me. I had lost the ability to feel a thing. There was no pain, not a hint of the slightest of touches they made on me, but I knew they were all there.

My mind registered their presence in the form of shadows. Looming, hovering, moving around me while I was rooted as their center. I could feel their movements even through the fog of darkness, but I could feel none of their touch. I heard nothing but a steady hum, drowning me deeper into the darkness, though some of the voices I heard made it seem more like I was drowning underwater.

And then it happened, and suddenly, I could hear it all almost too clearly.

It started with a steady beep, before it began to rise, sounding louder by the second, and then it went faster. The humming sound around me began to rise as well, growing steadily intense. They sounded almost similar to voices of people shouting, only that everything was muffled, like everything was happening under the current of water. The beeping noise grew louder, breaking through the fog, and then louder, turning into an alarming sound as the shouting continued.

An odd feeling of chill washed over me.

And then everything went still.

Author’s note:

I’m sorry this took a long time, and I know that you must be hating me for that ending lol

Don’t worry, every single question you may have at the moment will be answered soon. We’re so close to the final chapters and I am terribly nervous about it, not going to lie. But, before we can finally get there, we’ll be having an extra chapter coming in the way.

Yes, your requests have been answered. We’ll be getting into Taehyung’s side of the story on the next chapter before we can find more answers to what had happened to all of them in the past.

Stay tuned for the next update. Thank you for all of your support!

—  © 2021 Yoonia, all rights reserved. reposting/modifying of any kind is not allowed. translations are not allowed.

#bangtansorciere #ficswithluv #btswriterscollective #btsbookclub #jimin scenario #jimin fanfic #jimin fluff #jimin angst #jimin x reader #bts jimin #park jimin #jungkook scenario #jungkook fanfic #jungkook fluff #jungkook angst #jungkook x reader #taehyung scenario #taehyung fanfic #taehyung fluff #taehyung angst #taehyung x reader #bts taehyung #kim taehyung #bts scenario #bts fanfic #kpop scenario #kpop writing #kpop fanfic #bts fluff #bts angst

[iguessilovebakugou]

In Search of Silver Linings, We Discovered Gold ||  Bakugou x Fem!Reader (x Shinsou) ||  Happier pt 3 ||  Series

I really feel like Sleeping At Last’s “Two” resonates with Shinsou in this one.  But also for the Reader towards Bakugou just like...in general.  Also, I would suggest Gang of Youth’s “Achilles, Come Down” as well. And Lauren Aquilina’s “Fools”. 

One day I’m going to make a playlist for this fucking series - and then you bitches will be sorry.  

I’m sorry it took so long to get this part out.  I feel like nothing I would write would live up to what I did 2 years ago now.  So I really hope that people like this one just as much as the others. 

Part One!  Part Two!

Word Count:  7.7K TW:  Smooching, Death Mention

“Hey, you okay?”

It should be so easy to explain to them what you were feeling.  They where there with you.  They went through the same thing you had, right?  You were right there with Ochaco, sat right by her side and watched her tell Mr. Aizawa...you should be able to just...

“Yeah,”  You offered Asui a bright smile.  “Just...tired.  These make up classes are just...they’re really killer, you know?”

The dorm had been quiet by the time the raid team had made their way home from their extra classes. Everyone had already gone to bed, the common area devoid of life by the time you had settled on the couches. And you were happy for it.  Ever since...well, it had been a bit harder to be around everyone.  It was hard to come to terms with the fact that after everything that had happened, happened.  And you were supposed to just...move on from it.  Keep going forward.  No time to process.

You pulled out your phone to check your messages.  You had hoped Shinsou would have at least texted you - but you had been left on read.  You tried not to be upset about it and instead, pretended to go to another app and check your messages there.  You even got comfortable and put an arm behind your head - yep, perfectly relaxed and not at all wanting to break down on the inside.  

Tsu’s big bright eyes stared down at you.  You wondered if she felt the same - if Kirishima, Izuku or Ochaco felt the same.  You wondered if sometimes, during class, they just lifted their heads, looked around at your classmates and felt...so out of place.  The only way you could describe it was like stumbling in the middle of a skit being performed in the middle of a park, and no one seemed to quite realize you weren’t actually an extra.

But you didn’t want to run the risk of looking at her.  If she looked at you, she might realize that you hadn’t come to terms with what happened - with Nighteye, Lemillion, with that poor girl, Eri.  And that wouldn’t do.  That might lead into her asking what was wrong.  And what were you supposed to do then?  Answer her honestly?  Come to terms with your feelings like a rational, level headed adult?

You?  Nah. Never.

“Yeah, you’re right.”  Once you were certain her back was towards you, you risked a glance in her direction.  

Your body ached, your eyes were sore, and your mind felt blank but busy at the same time.  You weren’t sure where to begin with everything, where to start with trying to catch up.  But this had become your norm, and as sad as it was, it felt like your body was accommodating to the drama that had become commonplace in your life.  You watched as she met Ochaco at the base of the steps leading up to the rooms.  She seemed surprised when you didn’t move to join them, turning to give you a concerned glance and a lip pout - for extra measure.  

You smiled, lifting up your phone and giving it a little wave.  “I think I’m just going to hang out down here before heading to bed.”

“Oh,”  She muttered softly.  “Okay, if you’re sure?”

You knew she wasn’t buying the act - whatever it was - in the slightest.  You knew Nighteye’s death hit her hard.  A lot harder than you.  As it should have - you had tried to use your quirk to defend her and Nighteye, only to be overpowered and rendered unconscious when it mattered most so you weren’t technically cognizant when she had made her getaway.  But it must have been terrible, holding a man in your arms as he died.   And yet here you are moping about it.  What gives you the right?

“Yeah, I’m sure.”  Another smile, this time a little wider.  “Got some videos to watch, don’t want to run the risk of waking anyone up.”

You turned, ending the conversation there.  You stared at your phone, sitting on the home screen and not bothering to look back once you heard them make the ascent up the stairs to their respective rooms.  It had been getting harder and harder to sleep these past few days and you couldn’t spend another restless night staring at the same four walls anymore.  Watching the same videos, rereading the same texts, you would go insane.  With an exasperated sigh, you tossed your phone to the side.  Hands found your face, fingers rubbing your eyes while reclining back, letting out a slow, low groan.

The lights in the common room were dim, just enough to find your way in case you stumbled down here in the middle of the night.  It was a small comfort, you figured to yourself, to have this moment alone.  To sit in the quiet and listen to the sounds of your friends around you, of the dorm settling snuggly down for another night’s rest.  And there you were, sitting by yourself in the common room.  Trying to decide if you were still mourning for a man you spoke to maybe a handful of times before you watched him get impaled on a spike or if you were ready to move on from it all.  Your head fell back limply against the edge of the couch, staring up at the ceiling as you tried to push any semblance of thought from your mind.  You just needed this one minute, one second for your entire world to just...stop running away from you.

If I could just get to him in time, maybe I could, I could help.  I could save him and be a hero and...

God, how dramatic could you get.  At least you hadn’t held the man in your arms as he lay dying.

With a sigh, you sat yourself back up and went back to your messages, pulling up the chat with Shinsou.  You hoped he was free.  Maybe even free enough to talk.  The empty feeling finding home in your chest was becoming too much.  You could use him, right now.  Maybe you could convince him to leave and come over.  You could watch a movie and just talk until you passed out.

Like friends did.

And if he was there, maybe it would so much easier to stay asleep. 

Hey.  We just got home.  Hope you’re...

Nope, delete.  Didn’t sound right.  

Hey!  You free right now?  I can’t sleep so

Nope, too eager.  

Shinsou, you loser get your ass over here

Nothing was coming out the way you wanted it to.  Nothing had ever sounded right.  You had so many things you wanted to say and yet never seemed to have the energy for it anymore.  Is this depression?  Do you have depression?  Do people who have depression know they have depression without being diagnosed with depression?  

You bit your lip, chewed on it until it grew sore and red and angry.  You needed your friend.  Your best friend.  Your only friend.  You missed hanging out with him, missed being able to text him weird shit and get a selfie of him looking bored at the camera just cause he knew it would make you laugh.  Cause you knew the weird shit you sent him made him laugh.  You wanted to see his face, to hear his voice.  You wanted it to go back before the dorms, back before whatever extra curricular thing he was doing.  But it wasn’t like he was doing this on purpose!  He was busy and you were just being fucking dramatic and needlessly stupid you didn’t even see Nighteye die but Deku did and he is holding himself together so much better and you would be okay if...if...

Why were you fucking crying now???????

Shinsou - I really miss you and I don’t want to be alone right now but I don’t know what to do I just wish you were here

“Hey.”

Given the recent events in your life, his gruff voice shattering the quiet of your isolation should have been expected.  Nevertheless, it still sent your heart skyrocketing into your throat.  You thought everyone had gone to bed and you could be a miserable wretch on your own time.  You jumped, sending your phone clattering to the ground and sliding under the coffee table.  The giant...granite...coffee table.  “Ah, shit, shit...”  You fell to your knees, trying to make a grab for it.  “Damn it, damn it, damn it.”

“I thought I would find you down here.”

Shinsou had hardly heard from you since the night you got back from the raid.  He had seen the news that something had happened.  When you didn’t answer his morning text, he just hoped you were just being your normal self.  When you didn’t show up at lunch, he feared the worst.  He paced his room, hardly ate, did nothing but refresh his news feed to see if your name flashed by as a causality.  He figured no news was good news but waiting to hear from you was the hardest thing he ever had to do.  And the fact you hadn’t told him you were going in the first place and had to find out about it by overhearing one of your classmates mention it?

Ample payback it seemed.  Secrets had become your duo’s new norm - and he hated it. 

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“We were told not to say anything to anyone.  I’m sorry, Shinsou.”

Your voice had sounded so off, so different in what little words you spoke.  Silence had never been so poignant until he experienced it from you.  As he laid in bed and stared at the phone on his pillow, his heart broke with each toss and turn he could hear from you.  He sat quietly, for that whole 2 hours as you tried to make sense of what you had just been through that day.  But you never said more than a few words and, even so, those were just a mask to hide the rest of the truth you wanted to keep hidden.  He listened, patiently, as you tried to place it all in order so you could begin to move past it.  

He hoped he had helped - in what little way he could.  In what minute way you had allowed him.  You were closing off and he so desperately wanted to cry out for you.  But he stayed quiet.  

And he felt entirely useless. 

He didn’t know exactly what happened; only what little information he had heard from Mr. Aizawa and even that had been bits and pieces.  Confidential, he said.  Bullshit, Shinsou thought.  If he was going to try to begin to figure out a solution to...whatever it was that plagued you, to lift your spirits, he needed to know exactly what happened.  But, when Shinsou had asked if you had been involved, if you were alright...?

“You’re friends with her, right?  She didn’t really seem to want to talk about it when I asked her after the fact.  But I figure that’s just because I’m her teacher.  Maybe you should be the one to check in on her instead.  She might actually open up to you.”

Open up to him.  

And that was the problem wasn’t it?  Something that always seemed to stand right between the two of you, pushing you in separate directions - opening up to each other.  It was a thought that occurred to him as he watched you spin your spoon around in your soup, but refused to eat.  The two of you had no problems talking, especially you.  You talked a lot, and he...didn’t.  You suited him fine.  More than fine.  

But what is talking if you’re not saying anything?  What was the point of being friends if you couldn’t even rely on each other to keep a secret, to lean on each other when everything seemed so fucking terrible.  Had he done you a disservice, hiding things from you?  Had he given you the impression that you couldn’t come to him for something so small as a crush on...ah, for something really small?  Had you transitioned from “don’t want to bother him with something silly” to “I can’t talk to him anymore period”?

Shinsou had always been the more straightforward one.  Where you seemed to be an endless supply of needless conversation and seemed to always dance around subjects, Shinsou was the one who could give it to you as plainly as possible.  And you knew that.  You knew him better than anyone, could understand him better than anyone.  

So when he didn’t give it to you as honestly, as plainly as he could have, it would stand to reason that you would be sent tumbling.

Shinsou - I really miss you and I don’t want to be alone right now but I don’t know what to do I just wish you were here

The text had come as a surprise.  Shinsou had been trying to sleep, but it was a rare commodity those days.  His mind swirled with thoughts of you.  Of how much he missed just you.  Your laugh, your stupid jokes.  Everything was starting to feel so hollow when he heard that soft ding from across the room.  To say he scrambled towards his desk where the phone lay charging was an understatement.  

I really miss you.

You were screaming for him and he hadn’t heard it.  You were sinking further and further and yet here he was, wondering and waiting for some sort of sign on what to do.  How he could fix it - but later.  He’s not strong enough now.  He’s not ready.  After he’s done with Aizawa.  After he’s a hero.  After after after.  Always cautious, always testing the waters.  

I just wish you were here.

You never waited, never paused, never hesitated.  When Bakugou was kidnapped, you rushed home and came up with a plan of action.  When you wanted to talk to him, you marched from your dorms, almost got into a fist fight, just to talk.  You were reckless in all the best ways.  In all the ways that made him want to scream, to touch you, to praise you, to love...to love you.

“I would be able to sleep if you answered your phone once in a while.”

He gripped his phone and hated that he had to draw one hand up to wipe his eyes.  Hated that his chest ached and hated that you even had to ask him.

“I wish you would have answered me.”

No more.  You would never have to ask him again.

He couldn’t pull his shoes on fast enough.  Before Shinsou could stop, rethink if this was a good idea, he was outside and making his way towards your dorm.  If he couldn’t help you now, when you needed it the most, when you were asking for him to pull you out from the waters...

His heart didn’t have the right to ache for you as much as it did. 

The two of you had done this so many times, Bakugou was surprised that you weren’t in the kitchen when he finally got down stairs.  The moment he got to the ground floor and saw you hunched over on the couch, his body froze.  

He had been hoping to have a bit more time to think of what he wanted to say.

“Is it just me, or has she not been the same since coming back from the raid?”

“No, I noticed it too.”

“Should we ask her about it?”

The frog grew quiet for a moment.  Bakugou had to strain to hear her response from down the hall.  “I think she’ll open up when she’s ready.”  She said softly.  “If we try to push the issue before then, it might just make matters worse.”

“Yeah,”  Uraraka responded, “I guess you’re right.  Still...I’m just worried.”

Worried.  For you.  

He didn’t want to think about why he was down in the commons, so late at night.  He didn’t want to acknowledge the fact that seeing your shaking shoulders, hearing the fast gasps you were making, ripped his very state of being apart.  He watched you, eyes narrowed.

He didn’t like it.  He didn’t like that you were in this state at all.

“Hey.”

He expected you to jump - it was a good thing that you did.  He would drag you out of whatever rut you were in, kicking and screaming if he had to.  

You got to your knees, cursing under your breath and scrambling for whatever you had been holding.  Probably your phone.  Bakugou stepped around the couch, shoving his hands in his pockets.  “Figured I would find you down here.”

You didn’t pay him any attention.  In fact, as you tried to reach under the coffee table, you kept your head turned - enough to where he couldn’t see your face.  You kept cursing, kept trying to reach desperately.  He watched you for a moment, feeling the frustration rise up inside of him.  You were ignoring him.  Like he wasn’t even there.  Like he wasn’t standing in front of you.

“Hey!”

“SHHH!”  You snapped to attention, pressing a finger to your lips.  He tried not to stare for too long.  “Do you want to wake the whole dorm!?”

“You should be in bed.”

Your stare lingered on him, for just a moment.  He refused to break eye contact first, refused to back down from the daggers you were sending his way.  You let out a huff, going back to searching for whatever it was that you had dropped.  “Couldn’t sleep.”

Bullshit.  He could tell.  It was a fact that he didn’t like to pay much attention to: tiny mannerisms that caught onto his attention like a hook.  You generally were so bright, hardly ever short.  Low energy, but not tired?  Sure.

He waited another minute.  “The others just got home.”

The slight pause.  Heh - you were like a book.  So easy to read.  “Oh.”  You said so matter-of-factly.  In another beat, you were back to searching, still focusing your gaze on the far side of the wall.  “Yeah, I guess.”

“So unless you got sent back early, I doubt you’ve even had a chance to try and sleep.”

Your fingers clenched, your fist shaking against the granite top.  Your body pulled up and away, resting in a rigid position.  But you were still refusing to look at him; in fact, to ensure that he wouldn’t be able to see anything,  you put your face in your hand.  Still, you didn’t say a word, didn’t argue with him.  So he continued:  “I’m just saying, if you’re going to lie, at least keep track who you tell what.”

You didn’t respond.  And he wished it didn’t make him as angry as it did.  He wished that he had been able to stop the rage that bubbled in his stomach.  But he couldn’t.  He didn’t want you to hide anything from him.  He wanted you to feel comfortable telling him when something was hurting you.  After he laid it all bare for you a few weeks ago, you couldn’t be bothered to at least confide in him what the hell was going on in your tiny little world?

“...tch.”  Bakugou fingers slid under the edge of the coffee table.  “Grab the other side.”

You paused, turning to stare at him.  His eyes met yours and he saw so clearly how blood shot they were, your cheeks blotchy and burning.  You sniffled once, pushing a strand of hair back into place.  “Uh...wha?”

“Do you want your crap or not!?”

“Oh, yeah, uh...”  You pushed yourself up.  His eyes followed you as you stationed yourself on the other side like instructed.  “On three.  One-”

He didn’t bother waiting.  Up he lifted and you scrambled to meet him half way.

Just a little to the side - and the bright screen of your phone illuminated the living room.  It was closest to him, causing him to flinch just slightly when the glow blinded him.  He moved to grab it for you -

Before Bakugou could realize what was happening, your fingers brushed against his.  You both paused, your digits flinching away from him every so slightly.  He didn’t know if he should continue making the grab for it or if he should pull away.  He didn’t want to.  Your skin was so soft and warm and...

He could feel your eyes on him and almost was able keep his gaze away.  Almost able to hold off temptation.  But you were like that, weren’t you?  The light had dimmed, casting a soft glow over your features.  He wanted to look anywhere else - anywhere but at you.  But your eyes held his, demanded that he hold your attention.  He hated the soft sound that escaped him.  Hated the way his heart hammered in his chest as you stared at each other, fingers still touching ever so slightly.  

He shouldn’t feel this way about you.  But he did.

Bakugou pulled back with a grunt.  He could feel your eyes follow him as he stood back up and stepped away, away from you.  Why did you do this to him?  Why did you manage to make him the worst of himself?  Lord Explosion Murder - reduced to a sniveling little puppy, eager to please because a girl he kind of thinks is pretty sometimes makes him feel like he’s going to throw up.  

His fingers shook.  He shoved them back in his pockets to hide the evidence.

You plucked the phone off the ground and immediately hit the lock screen to turn the light off.  You were once against standing alone in the dark, though he could see you plainly.  Neither of you said a word.  He wished he could say something, not scream it but just say it.  His mind strained to find something meaningful to say to you, something catching or just enough to keep you distracted from your thoughts.  But you had the knack for words - he didn’t.  All he could do was leer at you, waiting for you to start conversation.  You always had something to say.  

You silently slipped your phone in the pocket of your skirt.  

There was something different about you.  A wall that was keeping you from him.  Maybe the girls’ concern for you had weight behind it.  You still didn’t look at him, eyes downcast.

He had hoped, that night in the kitchen, that things might have been different.  That maybe...someday...

“You got your damn phone.  Now go to bed.”  He turned on his heels and made his way back towards the stairs.  He was done.  He helped you out enough.  

Sometimes you were too much.  Messed with his head and pulled his mind in so many different directions, he forgot which way was up because right there with you was where he wanted to be. 

“Why do you want to be a hero?”

Your voice cut through the silence of the dorm like a knife.  He hadn’t expected you to speak up now, though it fit you.  Question, make him stay; just when he decided to leave.  And of course, because you asked him to stay - he would.

“What kind of stupid question is that?”

“Humor me.”

He regretted coming down here to talk to you.  He should have just stayed in the comfort of his room.  “Why?”

“Humor.  Me.”  

His eyes narrowed.  Even if you wrapped yourself around him, brought him to his knees and groveling in your steps, no one spoke to him like that.  He spun around, snarl behind gritted teeth.  Who the fuck did you think you were talking to?

Then he paused.

You were watching him and the hollow expression on your face shoved the rage back down into his stomach.  With just a glance, you quelled that fury.  Another noise, another shock. Then your eyes softened and your shoulders slumped.  You remembered where you were, who you were talking to...no...no, you had never been afraid to talk to him like that.  Never afraid to meet his attitude head to head.  So what was different now?  “Please,” You added on, quietly.

What the hell happened to you?

Why did he want to be a hero?  

“To be number one.”

“Is that it?”

I don’t know anymore.  He didn’t like this line of questioning.  Bakugou was a smart kid - he could tell this conversation wasn’t going to be like the last one the two of you had.  No tea, no gentle touches.  The wounds were infected now and he felt shame burrow deep.  You had something you wanted to say, but something else was keeping it trapped, holding you back from being honest with him.  “What are you getting at?”

You fell quiet, letting his eyes take you in.  With a sigh, you turned and sat back down on the couch.  Your body folded in on itself, your hands grasping your arms, shaking fingertips digging into the fabric of the white dress shirt you were wearing.  “Nothing.”  You said finally.  “Just...thinking.  About things.”

You thought a lot about a lot of things.  Perhaps a little too much for too long.  You were receding back into your thoughts, pulling away from him again.  While he didn’t enjoy the feelings that being around you brought, losing you to your own headspace wasn’t something he would do tonight.  Or...any night.  His feet carried him back to the couch.  With a groan he sat down beside you.  “Well, then say it out loud.”

You let out a laugh that sounded too much like a sneer.  “Yeah.  Okay.”

It took everything in him to not reach out and grab you.  “I’m being serious.”

“I know.”

He just wanted to fucking help you.  “So tell me.”

“Tell you what?”

Like you had helped him.  “Whatever the hell that’s going on.”

A moment passed before you pulled your eyes back to his.  Finally, you were back in the present - back in that room with him.  Suddenly, you were aware that he had stationed himself beside you, so close your arms were a breath away from each other.  And there was a moment of panic in your eyes.  

You smirked, “Oh, are you playing therapist now?”

“Shut up!”  He bellowed.  “And tell me what the hell is going on before I change my mind!”

Your laugh was bitter, but it was something.  You used your hands to push your hair back out of your eyes, “...okay.”  You started...then fell quiet again.  He could hear you swallow the regret, the shame, the fear.  He watched as you struggled to put to words everything spinning around you.  “I don’t think I belong here.  At all.”

There were a million things Bakugou would have thought you could have said.  That...wasn’t one of them.  He had never thought of you not here.  What would that look like?

“I look at everyone here: Kirishima and Uraraka and Tsu and Deku...and I just can’t seem to find a place to put myself.  Among the rest of our class.”  His brows furrowed as you spoke.  He watched as your expression shifted with each word - angry and bitter and lost and upset.  “Like, you all are able to keep your heads held high, keep looking forward and never seem to let things drag you down.  I...I just don’t think I can do that.  So...”  You shrugged, swallowing harshly.  “Maybe I don’t deserve to be here if I can’t handle it...not like everyone else can.”

This wasn’t about the raid - that was just a catalyst.  It obviously struck a chord with you.  

“That’s stupid.”  

Another laugh.  This one tear filled but honest; and so, so bittersweet.  “Yeah.  Yeah, you’re absolutely right.  It’s pretty pathetic, huh?”

“No, you idiot.  It’s stupid because you’re wrong.”

You stared at him, mouth agape.  Then, in a second, your eyes narrowed, your lips thinned and your expression darkened.  He couldn’t help but feel the pride bubble in his chest:  You had realized you weren’t going to avoid this.  Not with him.  Not when he could help you.  He closed his eyes, figured it best to keep you out of his sight until he finished.  

“Look, you moron.  If you want to be angry or sad about whatever the hell happened back there, fine.  Do it.  But what good is wallowing in your own self pity if you’re not going to do anything about it?!”

Your voice shook as you spoke.  “Okay fine - then what should I do, Bakugou?”

His eyes snapped open, lips parted in surprise at the question.  There was an edge to your expression, daring him to answer.  Daring him to suggest something.  Blow it up?  Yell at it?  Fight it until it gives up?  But where would you start?  It wasn’t a real person - you couldn’t threaten it to back down.  Eyes scoured the floor for a response, searched desperately to find something - a strand of advice - to give you.  But he had nothing.  

“Yeah,”  You moved, pushing yourself off the couch.  You snatched your bag with such force it almost swung around and hit him in the face.  “That’s what I thought.  You don’t have an answer either.”

Shit.  Shit. He watched you as you skirted past his legs, intent on burying everything again.  If he let this go - let you go - you might actually do it.  You might actually leave UA - leave everyone in Class 1-A, leave your dream, leave...him. 

“It’s fine.”  You added, making your way towards the stairs.  “I’ll be fine.”

But he knew that was a lie.  Everything about this situation was a lie.  You wouldn’t be fine if he let you go upstairs, left you along with those thoughts of inadequacy, and if you kept falling lower and lower...?

“Hey.”  

You paused in front of the elevator...then pressed the button, it’s soft white glow sending panic down Bakugou’s spine.  The only thing he could see of you in the dark was the back of your head, the way your chin dipped just so lightly to your chest.  You weren’t going to respond if he didn’t do something.  He didn’t want this conversation to end - not like this.  What would All Might say?  What would Kirishima say?  What would Deku say?

What would you say?

“You never told me:  Why did you agree to go on that raid?”

There was a moment of pause before you turned and glanced over your shoulder at him.  There was a confused expression on your face, your eyes scanning him to try and figure out just what he was playing at.  “I told you why I wanted to be a hero.”  It was a challenge.  Stay and face this.  “Now tell me why you went on that stupid raid.”

“Don’t get too worked up about this.”  Mr. Aizawa - no, Eraserhead - had said.  “The Big Three are one thing:  They’re strong enough to hold their own out there with the Pros.”  He called you all out by name.  Asui, Uraraka, Kirishima and you.  “You didn’t volunteer for this and you’re not obligated to participate.  It’s your call.”

It had been your call.  Your decision.  The Pros wouldn’t have shoved you into a situation you weren’t ready for.  The four of you had known that it was not necessary for you to go above and beyond what you had already done.  It was going to be dangerous, and you needed to not only be physically capable, but mentally as well.  

You should have waited, weighed the odds, thought about it for a moment longer.  

Your call.  Your choice:  Save a little girl who was in danger or back down.  Be a Hero or refuse to answer the call.

Well...the choice was simple than wasn’t it?

You hadn’t been capable.  You screwed up.  Once again jumping deeper into a situation than you should have.  You weren’t like your friends.  

You weren’t like them at all.

“Mr. Ai- I mean, Eraserhead!  After everything we just heard, I can’t imagine not helping out, sir!”

Someone who could raise their head and keep it held high.  Who could look danger in the eye and refuse to back down.

“Yeah, if you’re going to let us be apart of this, I’d like to pitch in however I can!”

Who saw someone and danger and threw themselves into the line of fire.  Who reached out a hand and kept holding on, long past the last scrap of energy was gone. 

"If I can use my power to help that girl even a little bit, then count me in Eraserhead!”

They were heroes.  You weren’t like them.

You stood up, nodding earnestly.  Your look was stern, your eyes hard as you looked at Eraserhead.  You were equals - at least in this moment.  “Yeah,  heroes save people - so I’ll do my best to make sure that girl is safe!”

You could feel Bakugou’s eyes pick you apart and put you back together.  Looking at him made you sick, made you want to crawl into yourself and rot.  But...with a soft sigh, your eyes casted up, trying to keep the tears from falling again.  You had thought you had done all your crying.  God, his face in the dark was a slight comfort.  His eyes practically glowed in the low light of the common room.  His dark t-shirt hung around his shoulders, his hair was a wild mess, sticking up in every direction.  And he just watched you.  No malice, no rage, just...waiting.  

Waiting for your answer.  

Why did you agree to join the raid?

To save that little girl.  Because that’s what heroes do. 

But...

“After my fight with Deku, you sat with me.  You didn’t have to do that either. So why?”

Arms gripping your hoodie, squeezing you for dear life.  His whole body trembled under your touch.  Tears as he begged for forgiveness that you couldn’t give him.  But you wanted to - because it would mean his pain would be put at ease.  If you couldn’t give him what he needed, what he longed for, you would at least be there for a moment longer than the tears would fall.  You just needed him to know he wasn’t alone.  You needed Katsuki Bakugou to know you were there for him, no matter what.

“And with the League attack?  You weren’t with Kirishima and them.  You went off on your own, to try and save me.  Why?”

They wouldn’t see how hard he worked.  How much he wanted to be a hero.  And if they hurt him, if he refused and the villains hurt him?  If they took that away from him…?  All of his hopes and dreams?

No.  No, you weren’t going to let that happen.  

You had to bite you lip to keep it from shaking.  Bakugou was listing off all your fuck ups as if they mattered.  As if they were helping his case.  As if they were something you should be proud of.  You considered telling him, making him aware that even in those moments, you still failed:  you got knocked out during the raid, during the fight with the villains, and that you hadn’t done much besides give him a hug in the kitchen.  You weren’t doing much.

Deep breath, look away.  His face was too much.  It was too honest, trying to grab at you and hold you still.  He could almost convince you that you did something besides hinder those who had a better chance of being a Hero.

“You do half the shit you do because you’re a good person.  You want to help people.”  Movement caused you to glance his way.  He turned to sit back down on the couch.  “As stupid as it is, I guess it’s pretty admirable.”

‘Pretty admirable’?  He - Katsuki Bakugou - thought it was admirable.  You opened your mouth, but after a long moment of silence found you had nothing to say, so you closed it again.  You hated that even without speaking, you were losing this fight.  “So does everyone else.”  You replied weakly.  It didn’t make you special.  It didn’t make you any different.

“That so?”

“Yeah.”

“Than wouldn’t that mean you belong here with all the other losers looking to be a Hero to protect people?”

Ding!

Behind you, the elevator opened.  

A soft gasp escaped your chest.  So...that’s what he was doing.  Leave it up to him to talk you around into a circle before shoving your argument back into your face...no, he hadn’t been nearly as harsh as you had expected.  He was speaking so softly to you, being as gentle as he knew how - which granted, wasn’t much, but appreciated none the less.  One shouldn’t look a gift explosion in the mouth.  

You looked at the elevator over your shoulder, stared at it’s open doors.  

You let them shut.

For the first time since that raid, you smiled.  Really, honestly smiled.  You set your bag down against the wall.  The walk back to the couch was the lightest you had felt in a long while.  You sat down next to him, resting your hands on your knees and one by one, you tapped your fingers against your skin.  With a deep breath, you felt your shoulders relaxed.  You weren’t surprised he was able to help.  “I guess...technically...using that logic...you’re not wrong.”

Bakugou scoffed, closing his eyes and tossing his head back.  “Of course I’m not wrong.”

You chuckled, shaking your head.  “How could I have ever thought to argue with you? Truly a futile effort to begin with.”

His smirk was quick, a slight twitch in the corner of his mouth before he grunted and looked away.  The prickly exterior he generally used to conceal himself was growing back into place and you couldn’t help but laugh.  You had been so wrapped up in your own bullshit that you almost forgot how much he made your heart skip.  As you looked over his profile, you realized that you were entirely thankful for Bakugou and not just in that moment.  You had been so stuck in your pit, sinking lower and lower that you didn’t think you’d ever get out of it.

But like everything, he broke the glass ceiling and shot through.  Only this time, he snatched you up and pulled your head to the surface.  Even if for a moment, you could breathe because he was holding your head above the water.  

You leaned over and bumped his shoulder with yours, nudging him warmly.  He ruined expectations again by waiting a moment before doing it back to you.  

He was so warm, his skin amazingly soft.  It lit your chest aflame and your cheeks grew pink - but you didn’t move.  The two of you leaned against each other but said nothing about it.  How did you find yourself here?  You had been close to him before but this was different in a way that didn’t seem to make any sort of sense.  And...you kind of like that it didn’t.  Because it didn’t have to.  You realized that sometimes, when it was just the two of you, as few as those “sometimes” may have been, you simply wanted it to just...be.  

You shouldn’t want to be so close to him, not now.  Would it be in poor taste?  Would he think less of you if he knew?  Did he know?  Did he feel the same way?  You were certain that if he looked over at you, looked into your eyes he would...at least see something.  You weren’t sure exactly what it was, but it was enough to cause your knees to knock and your chest to ache.  And you wondered if he would see how much your fingers longed to reach out and touch his body, draw him close and...  

But that didn’t matter.  Not now. 

You looked down at your hands.  If you...wanted to try...wanted to see if...this was something you could have, you would have to take the first leap.  Bakugou wasn’t going to do it.  He wasn’t going to be the one who dove head first.  But was now the perfect time?  Would there ever be a perfect time?  After having him strip your defenses, tear you down, build you back up - should you wait?

You spared another look, hoping that you might find confidence in his being.  

Your eyes met.  He was looking at you too.

No.  No, you weren’t waiting.  Katsuki Bakugou wasn’t someone you waited for.  If you were going to do this, see if he felt the same way you felt - all the crazy heart skips and lingering glances when the other wasn’t looking - you had to do this now.  

Gathering all your courage, you moved your hand and offered it to him.  His eyes tore away from your face then down at your open palm.  The universe held it’s breath, watched eagerly...as he slid his fingers between yours.  His calloused digits scratched at your skin lightly, his palms were a little clammy and...

Bakugou held you firm, grasping you tightly.  Desperate and scared and you remembered everything that lead you to this moment.

“That Bakugou kid likes you.”

Wild hair haloed in the setting sun peeking above the tops of overgrown trees.  Everyone around you disappears when his arms wrap around you.  He holds your hands, guiding the knife as he helps you chop.

“Out of all those losers, I was glad you were there.”

It felt like something was dragging you to him, tugging your body towards his.  He wasn’t stopping you, he wasn’t yelling or screaming or pushing you away.  He just watched, eyes narrowed and darkened under his hair.  Was he waiting to see what you would do?  Was he too scared to move on his own?  You reached out, gliding your fingers over his sandy blonde locks and brushing them out of the way so you could see his face.  Fingertips drifted down and over his cheek, trying to offer the same warmth he filled you with.  

Defiantly, a daring look in his eye, he pressed his cheek into your hand.  If you’re going to do this, then mean it.  Everything about him made you want to scream, drove you mad.  He always fought - and you saw now, that this whole time...he was fighting for you.  Fighting to let you know.  Had you been so entirely blind all this time?  

You wanted to say something, to let him know that you saw.  But words were wrong, thin, pointless and empty.  Nothing you could say would ever be enough to let him know how you felt.  So you would give all of you and hope that it was enough for him.

Without waiting another moment, you pressed your lips to his.  It was a deep and heavy action, one that he met with passion only he could muster.  You closed your eyes and lost yourself into his taste, the heat of his lips, his very presence.  It was a rush, one that sent you spinning - derailed all train of thought.  All that mattered was him.  All that lived in this universe was you and him.

His arm snaked around your waist, pulling you up and over him and you were happy to follow.  You didn’t dare break away, to lose the contact that you obviously both had been longing for.  Your fingers found their way into his hair, twisting and tangling.  Never once did he pull away - quite the opposite.  He met you, every press of your lips, every motion of want and desire, laid bare in front of both of you.  And as you felt his finger graze over the skin on your back, dipping under your dress shirt to set the nerves there on fire, you realized both of you were utter fools.

It’s an awful thing: knowing you’re not enough.  Wanting something so badly, but no matter how much you long for it, it still slips through your grasp.  Of knowing that nothing you could have done would have changed the outcome.

He should have stayed in his dorm.  He should have never looked at his phone.  He should have never told you about Bakugou.  

He should have never let you get so close.  

It was by chance he glanced at the window looking into the common room, hand poised in front of the door.  At first, he wasn’t exactly sure what he was looking at - two shadowed masses, one on top of the other.  But then, he saw your face.  His heart wrenched when you pulled away from Bakugou.  A scream locked in his throat the way you smiled at him, soft and loving.  He hated the look in your eyes as you ran your thumb over his lips, as he slid his fingers into your hair to pull you back for more. 

Something Shinsou couldn’t have.  Someone he wasn’t enough for.

He didn’t linger on the steps for too long.  He feared you would see him and then - then you would have to talk.  He wasn’t sure he would be able to handle that, not with Bakugou behind you.  

The walk back to the dorm was a long one and he was surprised he made it into his room without incident.  It was late enough though, most of his classmates were asleep and the rest had retired to their rooms.  No one knew he was gone.  His mind was utterly blank until the locked clicked shut.

He didn’t realize he had punched the wall until his hand pulled back, sliced open.  Blood pooled and ran down his arm.  But it wasn’t enough.  It didn’t stop him from replaying that scene in his head over and over again.  The way you two were looking at each other, the soft touches, gentle smiles...

He slumped to the floor and let out one pitiful sob.  

What was he supposed to do now?

Author’s Note:  I honestly watched Cats the 2019 musical and then wrote Shinsou’s part because I’ve been having a pretty good week honestly so I wasn’t in the headspace for honest disappointment.  

I just needed something to remind me that happiness is fleeting and something terrible and awful will usually come and destroy what you know and love most in this world.  Drag your joy through the mud until the only thing left is a shell of what once was.

...who let’s Hooper direct shit?

Anyway.  I do think I’m going to lead into a part 4 for this one.  I don’t know.  I’ll let you guys decide if you want something more lol since I’m interested in continuing it.  Especially given the newer chapters. 

Also eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey, kissing scene.  First real one on this blog anyway and not a kiss mentioned in passing.  And look, it only took me a year or so to do it. :)  I’m a fantastic mod of this blog who gives people what they want and doesn’t focus on stupid shit in the slightest why are you guys here you should have left me on the street corner where I was standing

Tag List!  If you want to be added, let me know!

@snaspants​ | @purplebellybell | @sxlenced-xf-lxvers​ | 

#katsuki bakugou #katsuki #katuski bakugou #bakugou katsuki #bnha bakugo katsuki #bnha bakugou #bakugo #jealous bakugou #katsuki bakugou x reader #x reader #bakugo x reader #canon x reader #shinsou x reader #Shinsou #shinsou hitoshi #shinsou hitoshi x reader #shinshou x reader #bnha shinsou #this #was #a long time coming #and I honestly feel like it's still not perfect #but. #yeah #yeeeeeeeah #Happier || Series

[elisela]

“shh don’t tell lauren” she says on the post she reblogged from me 😂😂😂

ANYWAY talk to me about sterek and their first morning together or just anything Very Soft

also WRITE or i’m gonna FLY TO WASHINGTON and KICK YOUR ASS

so stiles hates that they got together on a freaking monday, okay? because instead of the slow, dreamy wake-up in derek’s arms (or derek in his arms, he’s equal opportunity really, why should he deny derek being the little spoon when he himself loves it so much?) that’s followed by kissing and possibly more sex and coffee at their favorite place on 3rd, stiles gets a sudden jolt of adrenaline through his veins when the alarm tone is definitely not one he’s used to and oh shit he forgot to set his alarm and he knows for a fact derek sleeps in later than he does, and in the resulting mad scramble for clothes and trying to make himself look halfway respectable he completely forgets to even kiss derek goodbye.

the problem is: derek works overnight on tuesdays, scott and kira are coming into town on wednesday and stiles has already taken the rest of the week off work and booked a hotel up in the mountains for them so they can ski (read: scott and kira can ski, stiles can fall down a mountain and drink beer in a hot tub), and they don’t end up getting back home until just after midnight on saturday.

stiles’ bed has felt lonely all damn week.

his plan to immediately go to derek’s on sunday morning is thrown out the window when he wakes up in derek’s arms, the world outside still dark. he blinks a few times and tries to sit up, but derek just grunts and pulls him back down, grumbling something, and stiles flails for a moment but wisely decides to shut up and go back to sleep. when he wakes up again dawn is just beginning to break, and derek’s fingers are idly stroking his stomach. it tickles and makes him squirm, but then derek’s mouth is on his neck and it leads to exactly the slow kind of morning sex he would idly daydream about, the lazy kind where their eyes aren’t even open and they lay side by side and stay pressed together as close as they can. 

when they come back down, stiles tells derek he can pull the breaking and entering routine as often as he wants if this is what he gets to look forward to, and derek flushes and rolls his eyes but also holds stiles against him in the shower and washes his hair as they have their usual diner vs. coffeeshop breakfast debate, which derek totally does not let stiles win, he wins on merit of the diner being a far superior choice. and since the diner is close to stiles’ apartment they end up walking there, and stopping by the farmer’s market on the way back, and stiles can’t really explain what made him stop and buy derek a bouquet of flowers except the blue of the larkspurs reminded him of derek’s eyes, and he can buy his boyfriend flowers if he wants to.

they maybe spend the whole day together, and maybe the sunday after that, and the next, until it’s not even a question of if they want to anymore, it’s just what they do.

sleepover weekend

#lauren i had that post saved as a draft since last weekend #and i added those tags and didn't see it was reblogged from you until i posted it #and thought eh fuck it she knows my willpower is weak #anyway #some soft sterek #ask eli

[kassies-take]

Angels to Devils

Summary: A possible assassination attempt success.

A/n: My headcanon Supercorp family. With the twins Lucas and Liam, and you the oc Lauren. Sorry in advance

Warning: Blood, Heavy Injuries, ANGST

Supercorp, Kara Danvers x Reader, Lena Luthor x Reader

Word Count: 2136

Lena usually loved waking up to mornings, Kara by her side and the world so still and quiet that nothing can ruin it. The past few days have been rough. It was another reminder that Lena had something someone else couldn’t have. Another day.

Lena’s eyes filled with tears, her stream of tears flowed into her ear and soaked the pillow. Kara wasn’t awake but Lena held onto her like she was a lifeline. Kara stirred and was immediately awoken to hug her wife.

The casts she wore restricted her movements. Kara was careful to not hurt Lena.

“It’s today isn’t it.” Lena nodded as Kara fought her tears.

You didn’t have a normal childhood, anyone with a Luthor and a Super as parents wasn’t normal. Although it wasn’t normal you knew you were loved.

You were every bit like Lena whereas Liam and Lucas were every bit like Kara. It never really bothered you that you didn’t have powers because without their powers you can easily defeat them in hand-to-hand combat.

To say Lena was proud is an understatement, she was on the sidelines raising her fists, and screaming “Go get Em’ baby!” While Lucas, Liam and Kara flushed red.

It was midsummer before your first quarter at M.I.T , you were partaking in Lena’s work days. Paperwork, meetings and your favorite lab times.

“Ren, I need you to raise the levels to 80%.” Lena watched with a tablet in her hands.

“It is actually on full power already.” You smiled.

Lena faced you before moving her head towards her tablet. “Normally I would lecture you on testing protocols but it works!” Lena placed her tablet down and squeezed you in a hug. “We have successfully made a new renewable and efficient energy source.”

“We also very much stole technology from Argo,” you laughed.

“Don’t ruin the moment.” Lena chuckled, moved back and held your head in between her hands. “My little scientist, you will do great things in the future.” Lena kissed your forehead.

“I think I’d have to start with preventing grey hair without dyes.” You joked.

Lena glared. “Okay smarty pants. You can write the report.”

You groaned as Lena smirked. “Do I have to?”

“This is only practice for the future sweetheart. Plus I have to make sure all the Pauls don’t pull out of any mergers.”

“Ugh those skeezebag lawyers, sometimes I wish I had heat vision.” Your hand shook as if you were preventing yourself from choking someone.

“Careful there,” Lena raised an eyebrow “you sound like a Luthor.”

You grabbed the tablet out of your mother’s hands and pulled the stool in front of the computers. “I hate to burst your bubble but I’m a Luthor and a Super, if you have a problem with that the door is behind you.” You replayed with a teasing tone.

“Okay I really have to go deal with Paul now, behave.” Lena sighed.

“C’mon mama I’m not Lucas.” You began to type several results into the computer.

“Good thing your brother didn’t hear that.” Lena hugged you before heading towards the door. “I’ll see you later. Love you.”

“Love you too mama, more than I love Jeju.” Lena’s heart melted. That was something she was going to brag to Kara about.

Lena sat in the conference room, calm and collected when she really wanted to rip her hair out. She could tell that the other females in the room were feeling the same. The CEO was glad that Sam spoke up about wasting time and had ended the meeting with the final merge successful. 

Sam and Lena walked out of the conference room towards the elevator. When the door dinged opened they were met with a smile and an armful of Lena’s things.

“Hi baby, did you finish the report?” Lena hugged you and grabbed her purse. 

“I got bored,” You shrugged “And Aunt Sam said you were close to ripping out hair that wasn’t grey.” 

“So you texted my daughter?” Lena raised her eyebrows at Sam. 

“For someone who is a genius you’re missing out on the fact that your daughter just said I contacted her.” 

“She texted the Spoiled group chat.” Lena gave a questioning glance at the group name. 

“The group chat with Aunt Sam and the rest of the Superfriend’s Legacies.” 

“I’m the cool Aunt,” Sam smirked. “But now go have fun with the rest of your day off, promise you’ll tell great stories?” Sam hugged you. “And keep your mom away from work, this was really meant to be her day off.” 

“Of course! Bye Aunt Sam!” You waved as she left the elevator. “Do I get to drive home?” 

“Absolutely not!”

“So I get to help in the lab, but I can’t drive home.” You reasoned as you both walked to the underground garage. “I get to pick the music then?” 

You raced towards the passenger seat. You closed the door behind you and locked it immediately. Lena pulled on the door handle and pressed on the keys to unlock the car. You once again locked the car which earned the famous Luthor eyebrow raise.

Lena entered the car as you laughed at her. You knew she wouldn’t be able to keep the silent treatment for much longer.

“I’m sorry, it’s fun to mess with you and Jeju. I’ll make it up to you by playing your old music.” You said as you placed your phone on a magnetic Bluetooth connector and played an *NSYNC song.

“*NSYNC is not old!” Lena drove out of the underground packing.

“Mama, you’re 51. NSYNC is 49 years old. Half a century! It’s old.”

“I’m gonna pretend like you didn’t say that!” Lena said as she raised the volume and belted out the lyrics.

It doesn't matter,

'bout the car I drive or the ice around my neck

All that matters,

Is that you recognize that it’s just about respect (oh)

“It’s all about respect mama,” you teased.

“It better be, I’m a Luthor.” You both laughed.

The car came to a stop at the intersection on Main Street and Cordova. Lena drummed on the steering wheel and sung the chorus. You grabbed a water bottle and held it as a mic.

“Do you ever wonder why, this music gets you high?” The two sang.

The car jolted forward with a loud crash. You groaned at the burn at your neck. A sharp hiss rendered quiet with screeching tires and a horn.

A huge blow hit the car. Suddenly the car tilted towards the ground. An immense weight thrown onto you, with glass sprinkling down. Yours and Lena’s heads whipped side to side as the car flipped several times.

Shallow breaths threatened the immense silence that floated through the street.

~Lena’s POV~

A warm liquid bounced off my cheek. The cold cement acted as my bed. I didn’t have to look to know my left leg and left arm broke. I looked around trying to register what had happened.

My heart threatened to jump out of my chest, as I witnessed my daughter’s soft hand stained red and dangled limply above me. She was suspended above me, a bone or two protruded out of her side. The only thing that stopped her from falling was the seatbelt.

“Lauren baby,” My own voice unrecognizable and unsteady.

I turned to the watch on my left arm, there it sat shattered. I reached towards Lauren’s bloody hand that had her super watch. I flipped open the watch, relieved when her pulse thumped faintly.

A soft thud landed in front of the windshield. I knew it was Kara and J’onn.

“Lena! Lauren!” I heard my wife call.

The car lifted and more of Lauren’s blood flowed onto the seat, compartment and my clothes.

“Wait no no no! The car is applying pressure to one of Lauren’s wounds.”

“I can phase in, apply pressure and get her out. Where are her injuries?”

There was a moment of silence before Kara answered. “Two of her ribs are broken, her right forearm fractured, lower back spinal injury, her other arm is dislocated, broken ankle, t-the seatbelt cut her stomach.”

“I’ll get her to the D.E.O.”

J’onn glowed red and flew through the car. The Martian lifted my daughter like a feather and vanished through the top.

The car flipped up right and I could only groan in response.

“I’ve got you. I’ve got you.” Kara carried me delicately.

~3rd POV~

Supercorp landed on the D.E.O balcony. Kara guided Lena into the MedBay. However they were met with teary eyed Superfriends. Alex had tears pooled in her eyes, Nia sobbed, as J’onn stared into space. Brainy was left to share the bad news.

“You may want to sit down for this.” Brainy waited for Kara and Lena. “Lauren’s injures were very...severe, she also had internal injuries. She didn’t make it.”

Lena froze, she pushed off the bed. “No, no she can’t, she can’t be dead! Where is she?” She stepped with her broken leg and collapsed into Kara’s arm.

“Mrs. Luthor-Danvers we need to tend to your wound.” Dr. Hamilton said from the door.

“You will not! Not until I see my daughter!”

“Bring her a wheelchair,” Alex ordered.

In the D.E.O morgue, a few morticians cleaned Lauren’s body. Two stitched up her body as one cleaned the blood off the youngest Luthor-Danvers’ skin.

“Give Lena and Supergirl space.” The three morticians stepped out of the room.

Lena was wheeled onto one side and Kara stood on the other. Lauren was still warm. Kara held onto her daughter’s hand. She didn’t realize how deafening it was to not hear your heart.

The two parents sobbed. Lena caressed her daughter’s cheek. “I am, I am so sorry baby. You... you had so much more to look forward to. Jeju and I will always love you. Always.” Lena whispered and kissed your forehead. “Always.” Tears rolled down Lena’s cheeks.

Dr. Hamilton rolled Lena into the operating room.

“Little one,” Kara sobbed. She remained there until Lucas and Liam walked through the doors.

The twins were off on a college baseball retreat, and wore their red sun braclets. They received a call from Alex and had to realistically take a 2 hour plane ride back.

“Jeju,” The two boys whispered and hugged Kara. “Is mom okay?”

“She’s okay.”

“Kara, Lena is in recovery.” Alex said from the door. Kara nodded and headed back towards the MedBay.

“Lauren,” Liam whispered. “How I wish you were just sleeping.”

“I love you, Ren. Thank you for pushing me to the best I could be. Wouldn’t have been able to be Lucas Luthor-Danvers without you.” Lucas cried.

“Don’t worry about us okay, we will be okay.” Liam wiped his tears away.

Everyone of Kara’s friends and family sat on top of a hill that looked over National City. The Legends, Team Flash, Team Arrow, The Bat Family, Lucy Lane, Kal-El’s family, Sam and Ruby, Superfriends and your cousins were there.

Eliza flew in from Midvale a couple of days ago, Alura landed on Earth an hour ago and even Lillian was there in honor of her granddaughter.

Lillian was furious that your death was cause by an assassination attempt on Lena. She had pulled up security cameras and tracked the man who purposefully hit Lena’s car.

Lauren laid in a red pod and floated next to her designated tree. Everyone was given a chance to say something about you.

Kara talked about hearing your first heartbeat, Lena on helping her in the labs. Liam about how you were able to keep him and Lucas out of trouble. Lucas focused on the last midnight talk the two of you shared. Alex shared how you were a fighter.

J’onn shared your last thoughts, he shifted into your form. “I’m scared to leave this world not because I am afraid of death but because I’m scared of leaving everyone I love behind. I don’t regret anything because of everyone I had in my life.” Other cute moments were shared before Kara started The Prayer for the Dead.

She moved her hand over the pod. The House of El symbol glowed and the glass of the pod became transparent. Kara took a deep and shaky breath.

“You have been the sun of our lives. Our prayers will be the sun that lights your journey home.” Kara released another shaky breath and looked towards the horizon. “We will remember you in every dawn and await the night we join you in the sky.” Kara’s eye glistened. “Rao’s will be done.” She finished in Kryptonian.

Alura pushed the pod and it slowly flew higher and further into the horizon. Lena pinned a sign on a tree that read:

Lauren Luthor-Danvers

2027 - 2044

#supergirl #supergirl imagine #supergirl imagines #supergirl x reader #lena luthor #lena luthor imagines #lena luthor imagine #lena luthor x reader #lena luthor x daughter reader #kara danvers #kara danvers imagines #kara danvers imagine #kara danvers x reader #kara danvers x daughter!reader #supercorp #supercorp family #supercorp imagines #supercorp imagine #supercorp x reader #superfriends

[winterscaptain]

waldosia.

Aaron Hotchner x Gender Neutral Reader

a/n: this is intended to be part of the ajf universe (berry hill section), but also stands alone! berry hill is probably good to read before this one, just for a little context. this takes place a couple of weeks after berry hill, during the last few minutes of lauren, and continues through the end of season six. there will be two more parts of this section!

summary: the team reels from emily’s loss and finds footing as best they can in the new normal, until, of course, the rug is pulled out from under them again.

words: ~3k warnings: canon death, language, more slow burning

berry hill (part 1) | absence (part 3) | mean it (part 4)

masterlist | a joyful future masterlist | requests closed!

There’s nothing worse than the silence of the waiting room. JJ paces back and forth, waiting and watching for movement down the hall. Hotch has been restless as well, sitting and standing and wandering in equal measure. Seaver perches on her chair, her bare toes digging into the rough fabric of the seat. She’s quiet, staring into nothing. 

Dave sits beside her, his elbows on his knees, his hands laced together. His lips never stop moving, and you’re sure he’s praying. It’s odd to see him there without Emily. Much like Derek and Penelope, they usually stick together in tragedy or stress. It’s more than strange to see him without her - almost like missing a limb you didn’t know he had.

 You find your eyes tracking Aaron more often than not. There’s tension in his forehead, and his mouth is tight. Your first instinct is, of course, to soothe his hurt, but there’s so much of your own. He meets your eyes, and you pat the seat next to you. 

With a heavy sigh, he sits down beside you. 

Your voice is quiet, as to not disturb the stillness of the room. “When’s the last time you ate?”

He shakes his head. You reach out and slip your hand into his elbow. He covers it with his own and you lean against each other. Derek and Penelope are in a similar position across from you. She’s tucked under his arm, her hand rubbing back and forth over his chest, still spattered with Emily’s blood. 

You can’t imagine what he’s feeling. If it had been Aaron…

The thought is too unbearable to consider. Aaron’s arm flexes around your hand, and you realized the thought brought your shoulders to your ears. 

“Are you alright?” His voice is the barest whisper.

You nod. “Just thinking of Derek.”

He takes a deep breath. You know he understands. 

‘“I was just...if it had been -”

“Don’t.” His whisper breaks over the word, and his fingers slip between yours around his arm. Your breath catches in the smallest of sobs, and you turn your head into him. 

Hours and hours and hours pass. You think you fall asleep once or twice, but it’s fitful and not at all restful. Hotch is back to pacing - traveling a path from the door to the back room and back to you. 

Eventually, he sits again, leaning against you once more. You can feel the exhaustion radiating from him. At a certain point, you take him under your arm. He leans his head into your shoulder and closes his eyes. You’re certain he doesn’t get any sleep, but you appreciate the effort. It’s all for you. 

JJ returns, and you all straighten, waiting for her to say something. She can’t speak. 

Penelope says something, but you can’t hear her. You can’t hear JJ, though you know her mouth is moving. You sag forward, nearly falling out of your chair. Aaron catches you as he stands, his arms locked around you. 

Spencer rushes past JJ, but she stops him. They speak, but you still can’t hear over the rushing in your ears. You find your feet and turn into Aaron, whose hand presses your head to his chest. Your whole body buzzes with something cold and unpleasant, like a shot straight to your nervous system. You’d take a bullet again, rather than feel this. 

Slowly, he guides you to the chair on the other side of Penelope. You cling to her, Aaron’s jacket still around you. She’s sobbing, and you can’t feel a thing. When you look up again, JJ has her arms around Spencer, who looks much like you. Broken. Soggy. Weak.

Tired eyes track Aaron as he rounds the corner to the back hallway. JJ finds him a minute later, and you still can’t hear them. 

You can’t hear anything. 

+++

The funeral is wretched. When the hearse arrives, you help Aaron with his white pallbearer gloves, buttoning them around his wrists and straightening his tie. Your hands linger on his lapel. His shaky breath shudders through him under your hands, and when you look up at him, his eyes are closed. 

One of his hands covers yours and you grasp his fingers. 

It’s too soon. 

We can’t do this again. 

It’s too soon. 

“There’s never enough time,” he says, almost inaudible. 

You squeeze his hand and release him, smoothing out his coat and collar and the hair at his temples before letting him pass. Derek and Spencer take the first pair of handles, Dave and Anderson the second. Will and Hotch share a look before taking the final pair. 

You offer your arm to JJ, who takes it, and you follow the men across the cemetery. Penelope and Ashley trail behind you, also arm-in-arm. 

Ashley’s been a gift - quiet and warm and observant - through this whole ordeal. You’ve done your best to welcome her into the fold. She doesn’t need to feel like a replacement or a burden. She’s a member of your team. Maybe not a member of your family, but your teammate nevertheless. 

The whole affair is far too quiet, far too solemn, to really be a celebration of Emily’s life. Hotch returns to your side once she’s laid over her grave. He gives you a rose and an arm. You take both, the wool of his coat soft against your fingers. Both he and JJ decided to leave the boys at home, but wouldn’t tell you why. 

Privately, you figure it’s too much for Jack, and it would be best to keep him and Henry together. Two funerals in as many years is too much for anyone, let alone someone just six. Jess is with the boys at JJ’s house. There’s nothing that woman can’t do, and you love her for it. 

Looking around, you realize everyone in attendance is a familiar face. Emily’s mother is the only one you don’t know well, but you’d know a Prentiss anywhere. She dabs at her face with a handkerchief, and a well of spite rises within you. There’s no reason for her to be here.

You’re her family. You will survive her. 

+++

Derek is in shambles. You spend as much time with him as you can, but he’s more withdrawn than you’ve ever seen him. JJ and Spencer have clung together, as have you and Aaron. Dave and Derek aren’t as close, and they’re both wildly independent, so they’ve sort of drifted in Emily’s absence. 

It’s your mission to keep them in one piece - sharing meals and filling empty evenings with movies and poker and company. You find yourself at Dave’s often, with Jack in your lap and Hotch and Derek on either side of you. 

You have rapidly become the team’s backbone - a role you take on with energy and a certain degree of joy. Taking care of them helps you forget your own grief, and never leaves you without company. 

+++

Seaver’s graduation is a spot of joy in an otherwise dreary few months. You shout and whistle at all the appropriate times, remembering all too well what it felt like on the other side. There’s a moment where you share a smile with Hotch, and it almost feels normal. 

“Remember that?” You ask, tipping your chin toward Seaver. She’s beaming, holding her new credentials in her hand as she greets her family. 

He nods. “Do you?”

You snort. “Oh, please. How could I forget?” The day lives rent-free in your mind. Hotch passing you your credentials, badge, and ID tag is a memory that will stay with you forever. 

“Glad I made an impression.” His smirk is well-concealed, but you elbow him in the ribs for good measure. 

“Shut up.” 

He quirks a brow at you, and you grin. 

Almost normal. Almost. 

+++

Your phone wakes you, and you pick it up right away, recognizing your ringtone for Hotch. “Yeah?”

“Hey, it’s me.” 

You flip your bedside lamp on and rub your eyes. You’d be lying if you said you were getting any sleep yourself, and you’re almost relieved you have some kind of company. “Hey, Aaron. What’s up?”

“I’m sorry to wake you -”

“You didn’t.”

He pauses. “Why aren’t you sleeping?”

“I could hazard a guess it’s the same reason as you.” You play with the comforter, the fabric a necessary distraction. “Is Jack still with Jessica?”

“Yeah, for the rest of the week. He’s got a school trip thing, and I didn’t want to leave him if a case came up. They’ll be back from the mountains on Sunday afternoon.” 

Your lower lip disappears between your teeth. “Do you want any company? Sometimes it’s -”

“Please.” He cuts you off, and you snap your mouth shut, already throwing the covers back. 

“I’ll be there soon.” 

The drive is quiet, the Virginia highways barren at nearly two in the morning. You pull into the garage in your usual guest spot and climb the stairs. 

Though you have a key, you knock twice before using it. 

Always good form to warn an armed federal agent when you’re about to enter his home in the goddamn middle of the night. 

He invited you. 

Yeah, still. Would hate to get shot on a night off.

The kitchen light is on when you enter, and you lock the door behind you before checking it out. You leave your shoes at the door and drop your keys in the dish. 

He's standing at the counter, fixing two cups of tea. Wordlessly, he passes one to you. 

You follow him to the bedroom, turning lights off as you go. He slips under the covers, and pats the covers. 

“Thanks for the tea,” you say, settling in beside him. 

It’s become sort of routine. Since Berry Hill, sharing a bed has become far less taboo and far more common. Even when Jack’s home, you’ve set up the couch for yourself before spending the night next to Aaron. That way, you can wake up early and settle in the living room before he wakes up, or make it look like you slept on the couch even if he wakes to find you in his father’s room. 

The element of surprise is always a gift - Jack is more than thrilled to find you whenever you spend the night. He doesn’t know to ask questions, and really you aren’t sure what you’d say even if he did. 

Aaron would probably have the words. He’s good at that kind of stuff. 

You sit together in silence, sipping out of your mugs and enjoying the quiet darkness. When you’re done, you leave it on the coaster on your bedside - well, on the bedside table. 

“Can’t sleep?” You ask. 

Aaron’s been finished for a while, his empty mug on his table. He’s already settled in, laying on his side toward you with his hand tucked under his cheek. “Not tonight.” 

“Is it Emily?” 

He nods. “Yeah, something like that.” There’s more, but he’s never been too good at articulating his feelings. You’ve learned it’s best to just keep him company and not push too hard. 

You slide down, bringing the covers up to your chin. “Come here.” 

He smiles in the dark and wraps you in his arms. It’s already easier to close your eyes, and you know you won’t be half as scared to confront what you find behind them. His breath fans across the top of your head, much more steady than when you arrived. “Thank you.” 

“Of course. Sleep tight, Aaron.” 

He tucks his face into your hair, and after a few moments, you hear his breath slow and even out. You lean back, finding his face completely relaxed. 

That’s better. 

With him asleep, you’re able to tune out your thoughts in favor of his heartbeat against your cheek. 

+++

Jack is long asleep when it’s your turn to need company. You’re on the couch, wrapped in Aaron’s arms, sobbing into his chest. Earlier, you found a bank of recorded shows in your cable box that you were waiting to watch with Emily. The realization that you’d never be able to watch them with her knocked you out at the knees, and there was nothing you could do but sit on the floor and cry. 

When you caught your breath, you called Aaron and took a cab over to the apartment. Your tears didn’t let up for a single moment on the way there, and started anew when you saw him. 

You couldn’t speak, but he just led you to the couch and let you curl up against him. With his cheek against your hair, he rubs your back until you can finally breath without hiccuping. 

“What was it?”

“The shows.” You sniff, and wipe your nose on your sleeve. “I was saving shows to watch with her. They didn’t stop recording. I didn’t think to -” A fresh wave starts, and you tuck your head back into his shoulder. You do your best not to wail, keeping quiet for Jack’s sake, “I didn’t think to stop recording them. I don’t even really like them, but we always watched together.” 

His next words are familiar to you. “It’s all about the routine.” 

Those are the same words you used after Haley died. One of his first breakdowns after her death came when he was packing Jack’s bag for the week, getting ready to drop him off at her place. When he realized there was nowhere to go, nowhere to take him, it knocked the life out of him just like your shows did tonight. 

“Once you find something to fill the space,” you’d told him, “things get a lot easier to manage.” 

And it was true. That was the first weekend he called you to come spend the day with Jack, and your time together patched some of the holes. 

He squeezes you to him. “Do you want to find something to watch together? We can start a new show or maybe movie nights with Jack? Maybe with Will, JJ, and Henry? What do you think?”

You give him a watery smile. “Yeah, I’d like that.” 

+++

Andy Swan is a trip and a half, and you find yourself liking her a little more than you thought you would. She and Aaron have a great deal of history, and you enjoy the way they give each other a hard time - pushing and pulling for control of a stressful investigation. They’re different, but highly complementary in their leadership. 

It almost reminds you of your relationship with Derek - mutual respect in droves, but a supreme lack of patience, and a little more good humor than is actually necessary. 

It’s only when the case is over that shit hits the fan. 

You’re all in the conference room following the successful completion of the case. Doyle, of course, has been on your minds since Emily’s death, and you spend at least fifteen hours a week maintaining the not-so-sanctioned investigation into his whereabouts. 

But this wasn’t about Doyle. 

“I’ve been assigned to a joint task force in Pakistan for an indefinite amount of time.” 

The news knocks the breath out of you, and your eyes flicker around the table. Everyone is just as shocked as you are, though you’d like to imagine the short-circuit you’re experiencing is all your own. 

“What do you mean?” The question leaves your lips before you can stop it, and Hotch’s brown eyes meet yours. There’s an apology in them. 

“Tomorrow, I leave for Pakistan. I’m not sure how long I will be gone. Derek will take over as Acting Unit Chief in the meantime.” 

Derek’s eyebrows shoot to his hairline. “You’re kidding.” 

“You carried off the job very well last year, and I have no doubt you will have the same amount of success in my absence.” 

Derek looks like he wants to speak again, but refrains. 

“I understand this is less than convenient. You’ll all have the declassified brief in your inboxes by the end of the day today with more information about the transition. You’re all dismissed for the day.” With a final nod, he walks out of the conference room, leaving you all slack-jawed and more than a little confused. 

JJ’s eyes meet yours, and you shrug. You ask, “Has he said anything about this to you?”

“I’ve heard approximately nothing about it,” she replies, peering down the hall. 

Goddamn you, Hotchner. 

He’s packing up his briefcase when you pass his office. You don’t stop, sitting down at your desk. You’re surprised frost doesn’t rise from the ground at your feet.

There’s a moment where he stops at your desk on the way out of the bullpen, but you just stare at him. He opens his mouth as if to speak, then closes it. After a moment, he finally says, “Jack is with Jessica tonight.” 

You have no idea what your face looks like, but it’s enough to drop his shoulders and send him on his way, defeated. 

+++

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[dcbutinamrev]

Historical lams writing prompt: Hamilton singing Laurens to sleep

Requests always open!

***

It’s near midnight when Lieutenant Colonel John Laurens finally finishes his final draft for his translation letter. The others had already gone to bed but Laurens wouldn’t be surprised if his beloved Alexander Hamilton is still awake, working nonstop as usual.

Laurens sighs heavily, his cheeks puffing out as he does so, setting his quill gently and leaning back against his wooden chair in the aide-de-camp office, scanning his letter. Laurens lets out a yawn, trying to cover the yawn with the back of his hand but fails at that attempt. He runs a hand through his honey colored hair as he leans forward against the table. He growls frustratingly when he spies a mistake, snatching his quill before dipping it back into the ink pot.

“Laurens?” a familiar French accented voice says through a yawn.

Laurens startles, his eyes widening as he feels his heart pound against his chest.

After a few minutes, Laurens lets his eyes flutter but instantly snaps his head back up to keep himself awake. He rubs the heavinesss he feels in his eyes before yawning again and craning his neck to see the Marquis de Lafayette standing in the doorway with his nightshirt on that comes to his knees and a lone candle in hand, the flame flickering a little.

Lafayette massages his temple as he squints through the barely lit room, tilting his head as he furrows his brows.

“Lafayette,” Laurens breathes. He sits himself up straighter.

“What in God’s name are you doing up at this hour, mon ami?” Lafayette asks. “Shouldn’t you be asleep? Like the rest of us?”

“I…” Laurens glances back at the letter, frowning. He had forgotten how long he had been here precisely. “I was…writing a letter to my father…” He lies.

Lafayette eyes him suspiciously and hums. He continues climbing down the steps until he reaches Laurens. He smiles softly as he sets the candle down on the table and rests a hand on his shoulder.

“Mon ami,” Lafayette says. “What is amiss? I can tell something is upsetting you. It is clearly written on your face. And also, by the looks of it, it looks like you haven’t gotten any sleep as well.”

Laurens swallows and sets his jaw. He chews his lower lip before sighing heavily and turning back to face his paper.

“You’re right. You’ve caught me,” Laurens huffs, tossing both hands up in the air as he leans back in his chair. “I haven’t slept a wink.”

“John, you know you can tell me anything. What’s upsetting you, my friend?” Lafayette says, his tone soft.

“Alexander,” Laurens mutters finally, glancing back up at the stairs towards the second floor, toward the bedroom they share.

“Ah, the Little Lion,” Lafayette muses, a fond smile on his face. “What about him?”

“He’s…I don’t know. I…I don’t understand what it is about him but…whenever he just walks into a room…my whole world freezes. It’s just nothing but him. And I can’t get him out of my mind. Whenever he smiles, whenever he laughs, his trust and kindness and his support in me and others. He’s just…”

“Singular?” Lafayette suggests with a splitting smile on his face. “Unique?”

Laurens nods. “Yes. Yes. That. That exactly. I’ve never met anyone like him and…” A shaky pause. “And…And Brandywine…and Germantown.”

Lafayette winces. He doesn’t make any comment. Just listens.

Laurens shakes his head before turning back towards his friend. Lafayette nods and smiles, patting Laurens’s hand gently.

“Perhaps some sleep should do your mind well in the morning,” Lafayette says. “Alexander worries for you, John.”

Of course he would, Laurens thinks to himself.

“Why don’t you go up to bed, John. God knows you need the rest.”

Laurens glances up at Lafayette, staring at him for a breath before he gives a quick nod, remembering the similar sayings he’d say to Hamilton. Lafayette stands up and clears his throat, yawning as he heads to the kitchen while Laurens straightens his work and climbs up the stairs to the second floor.

Laurens closes his eyes as he lets his feet lead him, massaging his temple as he yawns deeply, his eyes heavy and his body slump and limp as he walks. He realizes he can barely stand.

Laurens swings open the door to his and Hamilton’s shared bedroom. Surprisingly, he finds Hamilton asleep in their shared bed, his back facing Laurens. Laurens smiles softly as he watches with each breath he takes. Laurens grunts as he slams the door, not caring if it wakes the others.

Hamilton gasps as he sits upright in the bed at the sudden bang, his indigo violet eyes snapped open and his flaming fiery red hair flowing around him, framing his face in a blanket of red. Laurens tips his head back, closing his eyes as he breathes in deeply and then slowly exhales. Hamilton frowns, scooting himself up against the pillows, bringing the linen sheets up to his bare chest.

“John?” Hamilton says, his brows furrowing together.

Laurens groans, squeezing his eyes shut as he trudged his way to the bed. He puffs out a breath before flopping down beside Hamilton, his head just touching the side of Hamilton’s legs, his honey blonde hair flowing around him. Hamilton sighs heavily with a fond smile on his face as he pulls out the dark blue ribbon securing Laurens’s hair in place and combs his fingers through Laurens’s tangled hair. Laurens sighs lightly through his nose, melting at the touch, craving for more.

“Bad day, huh?” Hamilton asks.

Laurnes groans as he pushes himself up off the floor and crawls into the bed, not even bothering to change out of his uniform while Hamilton stays in his nightshirt. Laurens wraps his arms around Hamilton’s waist, resting his forehead between the crook of his neck and shoulder, occasionally pecking soft kisses to the back of Hamilton’s shoulder and tangling his leg around Hamilton’s. Hamilton couldn’t help but giggle.

“Mhm,” Laurens grunts. “Just hold me.”

“What the hell are you even doing up at this hour, Jack? I thought you were asleep already!” Hamilton says, tucking a honey curl behind his ear.

“I was just finishing up a lettter.”

“Oh,” Hamilton says as he snuggles against Laurens’s side, resting his head on Laurens’s chest. “To Congress?”

Laurens shakes his head. “No. A translation. But it’s just…I just want to be near you, my Alexander. I missed you.”

Hamilton’s cheeks redden, red as his hair, as he smiles sheepishly and leans up to kiss Laurens’s lips.

“I missed you too,” Hamilton whispers, closing his eyes as he tries to fall back asleep.

Laurens sighs as he nuzzles his nose into Hamilton’s auburn curls, tightening his hold around Hamilton but still surprisingly gentle.

“Sing to me?” Laurens whimpers, his voice soft which takes Hamilton by surprise.

Hamilton sits up on his elbow, blinking. “I…what…? Honey…?”

“Sing to me, darling?” Laurens says. “I missed your voice.”

Hamilton smiles and nods as he sits up, wrapping his arm around Laurens before kissing his lips.

“Of course. As you wish, my Laurens,” Hamilton says. He clears his throat.

“You with the sad eyes,” Hamilton begins, combing his fingers through Laurens’s hair. “Don’t be discouraged, oh I realize.”

A pause.

“You with the sad eyes

“Don't be discouraged, oh I realize

“It's hard to take courage

“In a world full of people

“You can lose sight of it al”

Laurens shifts so he can now rest his chin under Hamilton’s head, wrapping his arms around him tightly and burying his face into his chest.

“The darkness inside you

“Can make you feel so small

“Show me a smile then

“Don't be unhappy

“Can't remember when

“I last saw you laughing

“This world makes you crazy

“And you've taken all you can bear

“Just call me up

“'Cause I will always be there

“And I see your true colors.”

Another pause. Hamilton glances down at Laurens and smiles softly as he strokes back a few strands of hair out of Laurens’a closed eyes.

“Shining through

“I see your true colors

“And that's why I love you

“So don't be afraid to let them show

“Your true colors

“True colors are beautiful

“I see your true colors.”

Hamilton tilts his head to see if Laurens is asleep. He smiles wider when he hears soft snores escaping from Laurens. He rests his cheek on top of Laurens’s head.

“Shining through (true colors)

“I see your true colors

“And that's why I love you

“So don't be afraid to let them show

“Your true colors

“True colors are beautiful

“Like a rainbow

“Oh oh oh oh oh like a rainbow.”

Hamilton feels his own eyes dropping as he finishes, tightening his hold around Laurens protectively before pressing a kiss to Laurens’s lips.

“Ooh can't remember when

“I last saw you laughing

“Ooh oh oh oh

“This world makes you crazy

“And you've taken all you can bear

“Just call me up

“'Cause I will always be there

“And I see your true colors.”

Hamilton lets out a yawn as he drags both of them down, feeling himself sink into the pillow, Laurens asleep on his chest as Hamilton begins to feel himself grow heavy.

“Shining through

“I see your true colors

“And that's why I love you

“So don't be afraid (don't be afraid)

“To let them show your true colors

“True colors are beautiful.”

Hamilton finally lets his eyes drop close and sleeps himself.

After a few minutes later, the Marquis climbs up the stairs himself once more, a mug of tea in hand as he rounds the corner. He yawns and frowns when he sees a faint glow under Hamilton’s door.

Curious, Lafayette opens the door, wincing as it creaks. His eyes roam around Hamilton’s and Laurens’s room but freezes when he spies them together on the bed with their arms around each other and legs entangled with the other. Both appear to be asleep, with Hamilton’s eyes closed and so are Laurens’s. Hamilton’s head on top of Laurens while Laurens’s head rests underneath Hamilton’s.

Lafayette smiles fondly as he shakes his head, rolling his eyes as he slowly steps out of the room.

“Mes amies,” Lafayette chuckles.

He walks down the hallway after closing their door.

With a small smile on his face.

#lams #historical lams #oneshot #anon #anon requests #request #read more #i’m so tired #i can barely keep my eyes open #i can barely move #I really wanted to finish this despite how tired I am #enjoy the fluff! #amrev #fanfic #fanfic writer #my whole body aches #like I’m limping whenever I walk #i’m going to bed now #requests welcome