#this is what learning icelandic does to my brain

[red-moon-at-night]

An Analysis of Haruka’s MVs: Distance and Disability

Hello! I’ve recently fallen down the rabbit hole that is Milgram and I have been itching to make some completely normal and sane analysis posts. My silly alternate title for this was gonna be “Things About Haruka’s MVs That Just Make Sense: A Hyperfixation-fuelled Analysis”, because honestly my autistic brain has been having a field day over here.

I am in awe with just about every single music video in this project; the animation is incredible and each one packs so much carefully laid out information. But I have been rotating Haruka’s in my head constantly since I first watched them, and I have a lot of Thoughts. Not about whether he’s guilty or innocent/forgiven or unforgiven. Not about whether or not I can justify his murders. Just some straight up imagery and symbolism analysis, through the lens of disability.

Haruka’s disability has not been specified, but I am confident we can at least say he is neurodivergent. I feel like the cultural differences in names for several things e.g. ‘learning disability’ vs ‘learning difficulty’ will just invite unnecessary drama, and is a little pedantic. What does matter here is that Haruka's experience as a disabled person is heavily intertwined within his story and his motives. 

So, without further ado... let’s get into this!

Trigger warnings/TW: I will be discussing ableism, eugenics and harm towards disabled people. Everything else will be related to the music videos ‘Weakness’ and ‘All Knowing and All Agony’, so any triggering content within them may also be mentioned. Read at your own discretion and stay safe!

Disability: some brief (important) historical context

It is only within the last few decades that those who are disabled have been ‘seen’ for the first time. A modern society is (ideally) expected to be built to include and accommodate for disability, and to acknowledge disabled people’s existence. But for many countries (even the ones making steps outlined above) this is still not the case. For a very, very long time, globally, that has not been the case.

For most disabled people, society makes it very clear that they are a burden to it and are better off not existing. 

I’m going to make this section as succinct as possible because...it’s heavy stuff. But it’s important, and I want you all to get the gist of what I’m saying. The weight of it.

Let’s highlight a piece of history regarding IQ and eugenics, surrounding the publication and subsequent worldwide reception of ‘The Kallikak Family: A Study in the Heredity of Feeble-mindedness’ by Henry Herbert Goddard in 1913:

“In 1927, it was used as evidence in the case of Buck v. Bell, which culminated in a Supreme Court ruling that the involuntary sterilization of ‘mentally defective’ persons was not unconstitutional in the United States. By 1938, thirty-three US states had passed laws allowing for the forced sterilization of women with learning disabilities and twenty-nine had made sterilization  compulsory for people who were thought to have genetic conditions. Many European countries followed suit: Denmark in 1929, then Norway in 1934, and after that Sweden, Finland, Estonia, Iceland, Czechoslovakia, Yugoslavia, Latvia, Hungary and Turkey.”

— Limburg, J. (2021) Letters To My Weird Sisters: On Autism and Feminism, p. 126

This history of a ‘sterilization law’ includes Japan, who between 1948 and 1996 enacted the Eugenics Protection Law which “authorised the sterilization of people with intellectual disabilities, mental illnesses or hereditary disorders.” According to the government, about 25,000 were sterilized.

SO. It’s important to bring this up. To establish how much disabled people are not wanted, just from their governments. Let alone society. To this day, disabled people are hidden away from the public by families that are ashamed of their existence.

Japanese culture values collectivism, and maintaining the harmony of a group...to the extent of excluding those that don’t fit into the mould. That are different.

The question is: where do they go? The ones that are publicly rejected?

Haruka and The Curious Case of Distant Waters

Okay that’s enough of the heavy real-world stuff! Time to delve into some...*checks notes*...heavy fictional stuff. Fun!

Haruka’s MVs prominently display themes of distance and separation through the motif of water, specifically being submerged underwater. 

The name Haruka reinforces this concept as the specific kanji used (遥) translates to ‘distant’, ‘remote’ or ‘far away’. As there are many, many kanji choices for the name (including but not limited to: ocean/sea, eternity/permeance, clear/distinct/obvious, and spring/growth/cherry blossom) it feels like a particularly cruel and intentional choice to go with that one.

Through the exploration of this motif, we can see the extent in which Otherness/the state of being ‘Other’ drives Haruka to great lengths to close the distance and escape it.

What I noticed throughout both MVs (particularly AK&AA but note the beginning scene of Weakness), is that whenever Haruka looks at himself in a reflective surface (e.g. the vanity mirror, the fish tank), water either begins to rise and overwhelms him, or is already there and he appears submerged:

I think this is the “All-Knowing” part of AK&AA. He knows he’s different, and he knows there’s a huge ocean between him and his peers, his family, everyone. A disconnect when trying to listen and understand, but also when trying to be understood by others and listened to himself.

You know when you submerge your head in water, and your hearing gets all muffled and incomprehensible? And have you ever tried speaking underwater? You can’t, because if you open your mouth you’ll drown. It’ll just come out as bubbles rising to the surface.

I also think the bubbles symbolise rising tension, between what he wants and what he currently has. Bubbles are everywhere in these MVs, even in places where they shouldn’t logically be? Such as this scene, following the line “don’t wipe me out, don’t wipe me out”:

Immediately pans up to Haruka gasping for breath, droplets of water rising from...somewhere. For about a split second, and they’re gone. 

This boy is really going through it. I’m getting an ‘emerging from the ocean before I drown’ vibe from this one folks. When the line that follows this scene is “I can’t stop, I can’t stop”, what I’m REALLY hearing is “I can’t stop (killing) or I’ll drown”. This is his lifeboat, pulling him out from the depths of being neglected and hidden away, into the spotlight.

Some interesting images from Weakness in relation to that (of spotlights):

Anyways, onto the next point:

Blue to Orange: Water to...Nectar?

So, the orange liquid. It’s clearly representing blood, but I don’t think this is just a “danganronpa pink blood” situation of censoring/getting this video onto youtube without restrictions.

I think it’s most likely honey, specifically nectar.

The etymology of the word nectar shows its compounds translate to “death” and “overcoming”. Nectar is also called the drink of the gods, so it would make sense for it to be a ‘death-defeating’, immortalizing liquid.

For Haruka’s victims to contain nectar is very interesting. It reinforces that necessity to kill, to take the life of another, to sustain himself. To overcome the ‘living death’ he is experiencing by being hidden away from society. 

This is his means of escape from drowning.

However, as we all know, things don’t turn out great for him. By the end of AK&AA Haruka is rejected once again by his mother, after which the door is shut (the light with it is gone too) and we’re met with this imagery:

The nectar floods the room, engulfing him much like the water from earlier. 

There are many things we could take from this. One being that the nectar-gathering/killing-spree has clouded his vision; it’s so sweet, so sickly sweet and he’s addicted to the taste of attention, even if it’s very bad attention. 

Who else has honey imagery in their MV again?

Oh, right. 

Anyway, the nectar/honey situation could also be representing submerging into an even further level of distance. All that murder is gonna push people away, despite his motive being to close the gap between him and normal people. The 'ocean’ has lost clarity and become a maddening, delusional substance. After all, there is a type of honey literally called ‘mad honey’ known for its medicinal and hallucinogenic properties.

That’s enough about honey, though. Let’s move onto less unfortunate... oh, sorry, what was that? *checks notes*...Ah, yes. I meant to say, let’s move onto even more unfortunate symbolism:

The Necklace

So, this necklace. Haruka steals it from his mother’s belongings, and is his only material, physical connection to her. It is taken on the declaration of “making (her) love me again” and getting her attention once more, now he is no longer a child but a teenager closer to adulthood (at least, that’s what I consider the ‘shirt with a vest sweater and tie’ to represent. child him = the blue polo, teenager him = this one, adult him = an amalgamation of his teenager clothes).

I wasn’t sure if this was an opal or pearl/mother of pearl, but I’m leaning towards opal from the other depiction of it in Weakness:

Opals are fun because they can symbolise both good luck and bad luck, usually to do with whether it’s your birthstone. There’s something to be said of Haruka’s belief in his ‘misfortune’ and the superstition surrounding these gemstones.

But they are even more interesting for the powers they supposedly have; in medieval times the opal was considered the ‘patron of thieves’ for their ability to grant the wearer invisibility.

There is a deliciously sad irony to Haruka’s theft with that titbit of information.

Now, if this isn’t an opal, and it’s a pearl/mother of pearl there’s still some fun interpretation to be had! A little less sad, even. Pearls invoke strong imagery of the sea, of purity, and of a connection to the maternal. If this is the last thing he has relating to his mother, I can see this necklace representing a lifeline when he’s deep in the ocean. A reminder of why he’s doing all of this killing, and who it’s for.

His mother’s attention (or the idea of having a mother at all, any mother) is his driving force in life.

Speaking of that...

So We Really Need To Talk About That Fish Tank: AKA, Why Haruka’s Mom Wins ‘The Worst Parent of The Year’ Award

This fucking fish tank.

Okay, I’m gonna start by saying: I don’t think this is reading too far into things. When it takes an animation team months, sometimes years to create a 3-5 minute music video, and one as detailed as this...you don’t just wing it. There are storyboards, there are key frames and there are choices made down to the smallest of details.

From the sheer volume of animal/insect/fish décor that resides in the Sakurai household, you bet I’m gonna pay attention to what type of fish are in that fish tank.

For one thing, they live in saltwater. This is a marine tank, aka the harder choice of aquarium to have. I mean, way, WAY harder. For the experienced only.

These fish right here? One is a clownfish, and the other is a yellow boxfish.

Boxfish are a nightmare to keep alive. This article goes into more detail than I will, but all you need to know is: if there was ever a fish out of all the fish you could possibly want in your tank, this is the one to avoid like the plague.

They release deadly toxins when stressed, as a survival instinct. Boom. All your fish are dead. They need to eat a shit ton of food, but are notoriously clumsy swimmers and slow eaters. Boom. Starving, stressed out boxfish. Boxfish either dies from starvation or dies from stress and toxins.

For Haruka’s mom to have not just one of these fuckers, but a tank consisting ONLY OF MULTIPLE BOXFISH AND CLOWNFISH...

This is a high-maintenance tank. And it shows how much time and effort, how much care she puts into the things she loves.

How neglectful she is as a parent of a disabled child in contrast.

There’s something about the last scene between Haruka and his mother that reinforces this for me:

Haruka’s relationship with animals and himself: AKA, “why don’t I just become the damn fish tank?”

Let me backpedal a little bit. This subheading will make sense in a minute.

So, like I said earlier we have a lot of décor in this house relating to insects and fish. We also have a lot of pets. Both living and dead, taxidermized creatures in one household, proudly on display.

I think this may have created some confusion for Haruka regarding the value of animals being alive or dead, as in his perspective his mother values both equally. The fish in a tank may be full of alive creatures, but they’re still on display as if it’s artwork. Isn’t breaking the glass of a framed picture of a fish equal to breaking the glass of a tank with a ‘picture of living fish’?

(This isn’t to say Haruka is clueless to the impact of his actions, nor to justify any harm to animals. I just find the train of thought to be intriguing.)

So when considering these ‘objects’ are proud trophies of his work:

This is a carefully arranged display, which by the way, doesn’t contain a single fish. In fact the only piece of that moment visible here is the...large piece of driftwood? Okay. Keep that in mind.

We proceed into Haruka’s mother opening the door and seeing her son, for the first time in any of the MVs. Note the way they composed this shot:

I’m obsessed with this scene. The blue eye framing Haruka, with a literal fishbowl effect on him...

He is the goddamn fish in the aquarium now. His mother’s full attention is on him and him alone, with only the dead animals, the books, the lamp and the driftwood as window dressing to this wonderful display.

Doesn’t it just scream “Look at me! Look at what I did, mom!” to you?

That blue spotlight is on him once more. He is not just drifting deeper into an endless ocean, but contained in a vessel to be stared at.

One Last Observation

I didn’t know where to fit this in but I think the end feels appropriate.

His clothing here:

Is a frankenstein-esque mash up of clothes from his younger years. He wears this throughout AK&AA, and as I mentioned before it signifies him as an adult. However, I should clarify what I mean here as Haruka says “he thinks he’s 17″ and “doesn’t care about his age”. So... not an adult, but on the cusp of adulthood.

But I think he actually does care about his age, and quite a lot too.

This outfit feels symbolic of refusing to let go of the past, and of himself as a child. He’s literally grown out of his clothing, but he still clings onto it. He’s attached to the past because it not only contains his happiest moments, but the change from being loved to becoming neglected.

As a disabled person, you’re often treated with a lot more forgiveness when you’re younger. That is to say, some people don’t realise that children with disabilities grow up into adults with disabilities. There is a point where even support from medical and social services drops off like a cliff edge once you turn 18.

The ill-fitting clothing in this context becomes more than a reflection on Haruka’s feelings, and extends to reflecting society’s feelings on disabled adults ‘refusing to grow up’.

I don’t blame Haruka for holding onto his childhood like this. He’ll be even less publicly visible and seen once he is no longer a pitiful child, but a ‘weird’ adult in ill-fitting, children’s clothes.

#milgram #haruka sakurai #analysis #weakness #all-knowing and all-agony #symbolism #disability #*drops this onto the fandom like a ton of bricks* hi i'm new here pleasure to meet u #oh man I finally finished it... this is a very (and I mean a VERY) long post asdfghjkl #I'm pretty happy with how it turned out though! I got most of the things I wanted to say and point out down #believe it or not there was actually MORE I could've said but I think tumblr may have crashed on me if I did that lmao #particularly to do with Weakness as I focused more on AK&AA here. but anyways #I love how morally grey everyone is in this series! It makes for some really fun analysis! #it's so so nice seeing a disabled character in such a position too and not just 'is a cinnamon roll' or 'the devil reincarnate' yknow #I debated leaving in the real-world history stuff but I think it sets the tone of my analysis pretty well and shows the importance of-- #--haruka's disability not as a justification of his actions but as a vital backdrop to his environment and struggles

[faejilly]

last week's Weekly Tag Wednesday: Firsts

tagged by @michellemisfit no pressure tagging: @twistedsinews @breadedsinner @indigorally @lynne-monstr @bettydice & anyone who would like to play along

Name: jilly

Age: I am older than the meaning of life, the universe, and everything

First Pet: I believe we had a budgie (parakeet) when I was very little, but I don't so much remember said budgie as I remember that I remembered him when I was 5, if that sentence makes sense?

The first pet I remember was a cat named Gandalf (the Grey).

First Word: no fucking clue. I don't know what my kids' first words were either, sorry?

First Celebrity Crush: / First IRL Crush: I am grey-ace enough to have no answer to this. what are crushes? how do?

First Kiss: in college (see above 😅)

First Car: A pontiac something? it was blue and its transmission died after maybe a year, because it was Very Used (and I was Very Broke, so that was not fun)

First apartment/house/dorm/whatever away from your parents: Yes? I don't understand this question, I do in fact no longer live with my mother. (I had a dorm room at the one year of college I successfully completed? Then we had a series of varying degrees of cheap apartments. Currently we have a house because my husband has a very responsible Real Job and supports me and my magpie brain, we are very lucky that he can do that.)

First Time on a Plane: When I was 7 or 8 we did a plane trip to visit friends of ours in Virginia (we lived in Wisconsin, for those of you familiar enough with US geography that this means anything).

First Cellphone: Nokia something? It was one of their classic bricks

First Concert: Does a Sesame Street concert when I was 6 count?

First Foreign country you visited? Iceland! Family reunion when I was nine. I went again for the next family reunion when I was 19, but have not managed the 29 or 39 ones, and mostly don't talk to that side of the family anymore so probably won't get invited to the one when I'm 49.

First sport you ever played? I do not sport

First career aspiration? Mermaid (when I was four). Despite hating swimming lessons? I think I wanted to just... be able to swim with none of that learning bullshit.

Actual Real Career: I wanted to be a pathologist for the longest time, but I am not actually very good at school, so I had mostly given up on that by the time I managed to graduate high school.

Now I'm mostly just trying to get a good counselor/med cocktail so I can do anything consistently so. :sighs: SUGGESTIONS ON FUTURE CAREERS WELCOME *snerk*

And finally… tell me about the first time you wrote/drew/created/whatever something that made you think “wow”

I was an occasional hobby writer most of my life, but probably when I did Lost for Words because it was the first long/chaptered fic I'd ever written and posted and finished.

Honorable mention to the summer in high school when I took a notebook with me to band camp and spent half my down time sitting outside with a flute case beside me (or leaning against the alto sax case for week two) writing in a notebook and confusing the hell out of everyone who saw me because there was also a creative writing group on that same campus so I looked like I was trying to be in both at once. I was weirdly proud of the chaos vibes there.

for copy pasting:

Name:

Age:

First Pet:

First Word:

First Celebrity Crush:

First IRL Crush:

First Kiss:

First Car:

First apartment/house/dorm/whatever away from your parents:

First Time on a Plane:

First Cellphone:

First Concert:

First Foreign country you visited?

First sport you ever played?

First career aspiration?

And finally… tell me about the first time you wrote/drew/created/whatever something that made you think “wow”

#jilly spam #michellemisfit #weekly tag wednesday

[creekfiend]

Lambchop has peaked my curiosity about buhunds, and I’m curious to learn more about them, so would be ok if you describe what’s it like to own one? Like what’s their character, if they’re affectionate, etc. Are they a bit more biddable and affectionate than other spritzed? I think you did mention once that lambchop is not completely to standard character wise, so how does she differ?

Sure I'll try!

I actually would say Lambchop is on standard for temperament for 95% of stuff but she's also turned up to 11. And she shows some unfortunate overarousal which spirals into dog aggression which SHOULDN'T be common in the breed but the more people I talk to the more it seems to be getting more common :/ it can be hard in a rare breed where people are very tight lipped about drawbacks and also most of the prominent breeders keep their dogs in show kennels so they don't have much data on how the dogs do in home/pet environments. The breed culture in the US also is quite old school in that puppies tend not to be raised with much thoughtful Socialization protocols or placed in homes on fit... dogs that go to "pet homes" tend to just be the dogs that the breeder thinks won't succeed well enough in the show ring or in performance. Not all the breeders are like this but... I know of maaaaybe 2 that place on temperament and what the puppy owner is looking for? That's MUCH more common in the icie community, weirdly, to the point where i very often recommend icies to people who like Lambchop, just bc the breeders in that community tend to actually live with their dogs and have more temperament data 🤣 and they're VERY very similar breeds.

They're very intense and VERY affections with people. Chop has never met a stranger and absolutely adores meeting new people and loving on the people she knows. They're very energetic and need lots of outdoor enrichment. And lots of... hmm. The trainer I'm working with talks about opportunities to make choices -- autonomy. Really smart dogs can develop behavior issues when they have very few opportunities to exercise autonomy in their lives so I am trying to set up ways to give her more of that like installing a dog door so she can decide when to be outside and when to be inside, that kind of thing

Herding spitz are crazy trainable. Lambchop adores tricks and engagement. Your mileage may vary with this one because I do know some people who have individual dogs that are "hard to motivate" but overall they LOVE to work with you and solve puzzles.

Reactivity is an issue in the breed moreso than a lot of other spitz. More herdy dog stuff imo. Icies are like that also. Almost every one will go thru a phase of it in adolescence at least. Another related breed that struggles with reactivity less is the norrbottenspetts, but they're also less biddable! So it's sorta a trade off lol

I will say if I wasn't disabled Lambchop would be a dream dog for me. Like if I had the brain space and energy to really get down to brass tacks and get her out for hikes 3 times a week? And if I had been properly prepared on what to expect in terms of intensity, energy level, and some of the common breed pitfalls regarding arousal issues? But unfortunately I wasn't and so we both kinda went in blind and it's been a struggle. She's been on her meds almost a week now and they're helping a LOT. we will get through it but it's been rough.

I think the Nordic herding spitz are perfect for a lot of people but its hard bc you have to find a breeder and community who will be honest and supportive of newcomers. The Icelandic sheepdog community has a lot more of that culture from what I have seen. But I can certainly recommend people to contact about buhunds to talk to more about the breed also; a good friend of mine is on the breed club board and has been in the breed like 20 years so she knows a lot. And I know several great icie breeders!

SO YEAH idk I really love herdy spitz but they can be a challenge and also you gotta find the right people which i guess is true of a lot of breeds hah. I hope this helps some! Here's a pic of Chop doing a doge meme impression for you

#red cedar is my icie and norrbottenspetts breeder of choice tbh JUST bc the breeder is really amazingly supportive and open #if i ever get another herdy spitz it would be from her #lambchop the dog

[autistic-lalli]

I honestly don’t keep track of what you’ve posted on here versus what you and I have just talked about, but if there isn’t a post on it already… when do you think Onni decided to return to Saimaa? I have my own opinions but I am highly interested in yours

-endearingsalt

Don’t worry I don’t keep track of what I’ve posted here versus what we’ve talked about either xoxo

But! I do have a pretty solid opinion. I think that Onni first decided to hunt down the Kade sometime after the home base crew got word that everyone else got picked up on the ship safely. Once the initial shock, worry, and relief faded, his brain switched to “I have to keep Lalli safe at all costs.” He already dived headfirst into overprotective eldest sibling mode, but now it’s the same attitude turned up to eleven.

I think Onni expected Lalli to be in much worse shape than he actually was. Onni’s barely keeping it together himself, so how could he expect Lalli, who’s the youngest, and was there, and has been alone ever since Tuuri died, to be doing better than himself?

But then the crew disembarks in Reykjavik.

And Lalli’s doing... okay?

Lalli seems fine. A little more fragile than he used to be, a little heavier in the eyes, but... He has a friend. He has an entire crew that he at least tolerates. He’s even learned a smattering of Swedish. Now then, the most ideal and healthy reaction would be for Onni to openly support Lalli’s growth, get to know how Lalli has changed, and to similarly open up to Lalli about the grief they’ve mutually experienced (but processed differently.)

But, that’s not what Onni does. Lalli comes back, and he’s as close to thriving as he can get in these circumstances. And what does this say to Onni?

Lalli doesn’t need him.

As far as normal developmental milestones go, this is good! Lalli has blossomed into a full adult; he is able to operate independently of Onni. The problem here is that Onni has built his life around Lalli and Tuuri (and now, just Lalli.)

If Lalli doesn’t need him, what is Onni for?

I talked about here how Onni’s decision to go to Saimaa was really about him taking more concrete steps towards suicide, but it’s also self-destructive in another way. He’s trying so hard to make himself relevant to Lalli’s life. He doesn’t know how to interact with Lalli outside of a caregiver-type role. Lalli is independent, and Onni sees that, and the only place where Lalli is vulnerable is the Kade. Sooner or later, it’s going to get both of them.

(Onni going to Saimaa is his final act of love for Lalli.)

So, let’s backtrack. Onni gets word that the crew is safe on the quarantine ship. This is good, Lalli is safe.

But he won’t be forever. They have some time, but Onni knows that it’s not safe for either of them while the Kade still roams, and even less so for Lalli, who has less experience overall. In order to take care of Lalli—in order to be a good family member—Onni has to eliminate the Kade.

But he has some time. Lalli needs to be taken care of, and as soon as Lalli is stable enough for Onni to leave (and never come back,) then Onni will go on his epic journey of personal redemption.

And so when Lalli shows up in Reykjavik grieving but overall functional... Onni’s timeline moves up immediately. It’s time.

And that’s why he leaves so fast. Onni knows he’s going to his death and, despite all his mental illness to the contrary, that takes some willpower. Every moment he lingers in Iceland is another moment he’s putting Lalli in danger. If he doesn’t leave immediately he’ll lose his resolve.

If he doesn’t leave immediately, it will hurt worse.

#stand still stay silent #sssscomic #onni hotakainen #my shit #analysis #meta #long post #suicide tw

[survey--s]

593.

Are there any bugs you find cute? Which ones?   Sure, I love ladybirds, dragonflies and butterflies.

Have any keys fallen off of your keyboard? How did this happen? o: No, not on this laptop but it's happened in the past - mostly because I don't really look after my stuff as well as I should.

When was the last time you felt stuck in a rut? Did you get out of it? How?             I don't really remember to be honest - that rarely happens nowadays.

Would you prefer to live in the city or the middle of nowhere? Why? Probably the middle of nowhere as that would be better for the lifestyle I want - which mainly involves lots of animals.

What is your earliest memory?   Getting told off by my dad for falling asleep on a beanbag right in front of a hot radiator.

The person who annoys you the most: What’s so irritating about them?   Ha, I don't really know who that would be.

Do you remember irrelevant things easier than the important things? No. My brain just seems to remember everything.

Do you sleep easily at night?       I've actually been sleeping SO well recently. I'll probably jinx it now but honestly I haven't struggled in weeks.

Out of everywhere you’ve ever been, where was your favourite? Lake Louise in Canada, or Sardinia.

Where would you like to travel next?       I would absolutely love to visit Japan or Iceland, but realistically it will probably be somewhere like Scotland as we have the dog to consider.

Do you prefer scarves to keep you warm or as flimsy accessories? I love the look of scarves but honestly I find them really overwhelming to wear as they cause all sorts of sensory issues.

Do movies ever inspire you to dress like the characters? Name a few: Not so much now, but as a teenager I was often inspired by random movie characters lol. Nobody in particular springs to mind though.

Do you own any clothes that used to be your friends’ / relatives? Yeah, I have jackets and shoes I got from my mum, and as a teenager I always got my cousins' hand-me-downs when we went to visit.

Who do you know that shares your birthday?       A girl named Lizzie who used to go to the same running club as me.

What are some of your interests?             Photography, dogs, cats, horses, riding, nature, being outdoors, trashy reality TV shows, fantasy novels/films.

Do you care more about people’s basics or what makes them unique? I mean, both are important.

Are you a shy person?   I'm not shy, I just don't like talking to new people.

Do you watch any educational TV shows? Which ones? I like nature documentaries and stuff, and sometimes history ones, but they're not really things I go out of my way to watch anymore.

What is one of your favourite items of clothing? My oversized grey knit sweater.

What colour is your dream car? Purple.

Do you like your music loud or soft?         It depends on where I am, who I'm with etc.

Can you sleep through things easily or does it need to be deadly quiet?   It depends. Some nights I sleep through anything and others I can be woken up by the dog huffing about lol.

What are some of your favourite words?               Discombobulated.

Do you believe you only find true love once?       No.

When you see lyrics as survey titles, do you guess the song they came from?         Sometimes, sure. I don't really see that much very often nowadays, though. It seems to be more of a Xanga thing.

Do you prefer live or studio versions of songs?     Studio, unless it's just live with no crowds.

Are you open with people? Not in real life, but I am on here.

If you’re not interested in something, do you find it hard to pretend? It depends on the situation - I'll feign interest if it's like, a client or something, but I'll happily tell Mike or my parents that they're boring me LOL.

If you could learn one skill, which would you choose?       I'd love to be able to sing in tune, or if we're talking about like, idealistic skills then I'd learn how to speak to animals.

Would you want to see your future, if you could?               No.

Do you ever feel a huge sense of dread? I have done in the past, yes.

Can you give directions easily? (Map directions, not as a boss)     Yeah, I can read a map pretty well.

Do you get overly offended when people criticise you?   It depends - sometimes it really upsets me but sometimes it really doesn't bother me.

Is there anyone you don’t know, yet you still dislike heavily? Who / Why?               I mean, murderers and paedophiles? For obvious reasons.

Can you deal with being told what to do?               Not very well, which is one of the reasons I went self-employed lol.

What’s your favourite kind of hat?             I don't really like wearing hats.

What do you find most attractive about yourself?             The way animals like me, even the ones that don’t tend to like people.

What is one of your biggest fears? Is it irrational?               Dementia or something, and no, I don't think so, as there's not really much you can do to prevent it either way.

Do you daydream often?               Yeah, fairly often.

A distinguishing feature of yours: What is it and do you like it?     I don't know...my glasses? I guess I don't mind them.

What is the nicest thing somebody could tell you?             That I’m worth something to them. <--- I like this answer.

#survey #surveys

[kittymsmithwritesstuff]

What instruments do you think the legends would play?

Ho boy -

Bloodhound: In line with old Icelandic and Norse instruments, possibly a lyre of some kind. Probably tried out guitar when they started interacting with the modern world more but never really got into it.

Gibraltar: Canonly plays the uke and honestly that’s just his vibe yo. Dude likes to chill. Also probably didn’t wanna bother learning anything more complex. Proooobably slacked off on music lessons in school.

Lifeline: In line with having a higher education, piano and harp. She’s pretty damn good at but prefers the piano; she was in lessons from toddlerhood all the way up until she left home at 19. She avoids both in favor of the drums.

Pathfinder: Tesla coils that he codes to play hot cross buns. Mirage will sometimes mess with his Tesla coils, so they play the Death March from Star Wars.

Wraith: Honestly, don’t think she can play any. Not her priority. Can whistle a fine tune and knows several, though she has no idea when or where she picked this skill up. She likes to imagine she was some kind of whistle aficionado in the 3rd grade. Seems like something a kid would do.

Bangalore: Also piano, her Nana taught her because “Lord forbid a girl don’t know how to play an instrument”. Bangalore never really understood what Nana meant by that, since she said the same thing about all her brothers. Unlike Lifeline, Bangalore actually really enjoys playing when she can and usually subs in when the piano player at her church is out. Also can pluck a guitar a little bit from what Jackson taught her, but after he went missing she couldn’t bring herself to learn any more, or play. He’d be really disappointed, but she tries not to think about it.

Caustic: He’s a clarinet hoe. His mom thought it would help him socialize. All it taught him was that he hated the clarinet. And the guy who played the triangle because he never hit it on time. Fuck, he hated that guy.

Mirage: Literally just Inchworm on the piano. He filled up all his brain space with engineering stuff, cocktail recipes and his own top 10 Apex plays.

Octane: The only thing he had the attention span and want to learn was the jaw harp, ‘cause it was one of the weirdest things he could think of at the time. He was also motivated because it pissed off his dad and wives number 3-5. 6 was actually pretty chill with it. He does technically know how to play the piano and violin through lessons he was forced into, but he’s elected to forget everything. Would probably shred an electric guitar if he got interested enough to learn it because he, as a rule, is actually really good/smart about things he cares about.

Wattson: She’s the one that showed Path you could make music with Tesla coils. She likes to use them to recreate classical pieces. She found if she puts on her suit and stands between two of them, she can make her own music. This freaked Wraith the fuck out the first time she showed her, even though she knew she’d be okay.

Crypto: He can’t play any actual instruments, but he can use one of those music creation programs to make beats or arrange instruments as if he had an orchestra to control. Dude couldn’t have really afforded an instrument or lessons growing up by my guess, but he had some kind of access to a computer, and if anything, he could have pirated the program, so that’s why he probably can’t play anything outside of it. Started playing with classical music more when he and Wattson became friends.

Revenant: As a human? Probably nothing. As a Sim? One time he took two femurs to a guy’s ribcage and managed a decent rendition of hot cross buns.

Loba: Once she got to the point where she blended into high society instead of just trying to hide within it, she got herself piano, flute and violin lessons. Piano is a pretty standard instrument in the homes and event halls of the rich, and she frequently uses it to impress high profile guests. Violin is equally respectable and easily portable. She learned the flute as an extra “in case” instrument, one that is still acceptable, but a little more unexpected and unique for clients that might appreciate that. In short, it’s all about strategy for her.

Rampart: She can play happy birthday with armpit farts. (She has been banned from doing this at parties. Except for Octane’s, he encourages it). She also is like those guys that play things like jingle bells by shooting different metal disks in bumfuck nowhere. I love her.

Mary: Pan flute. She learned it for DND as a young teenager. Has dressed up as a woodland elf for Halloween multiple times. Will play funny tunes at seemingly inappropriate times as a way to cheer people up; it almost always works.

Fuse: We know that dude shreds the electric guitar 100 percent. Plays exclusively old fucker music. A favorite at parties.

Valkyrie: Never bothered to learn, can play literally nothing. She can keep a beat just fine and dance pretty well, but she had other things to dedicate her time to and neither of her parents were musically inclined.

Seer: He’s one of those people that can just pick up an instrument and play it; all the traditional ones, some less mainstream like the oboe or something. Had done jaw harp duets with Octane. A virtuoso. Would probably be able to play even more instruments than he already can if he stopped playing so much pinball in his spare time.

#apex legends #apex legends headcanons #bloodhound apex legends #gibraltar apex legends #lifeline apex legends #pathfinder apex legends #wraith apex legends #bangalore apex legends #caustic apex legends #mirage apex legends #octane apex legends #wattson apex legends #crypto apex legends #revenant apex legends #loba apex legends #rampart apex legends #horizon apex legends #fuse apex legends #valkyrie apex legends #seer apex legends #apex legends headcannons #anon ask #km writes

[cml-san]

Hi hi! How are you doing? I hope you're doing okay. Reminder to drink, eat and sleep. 💕 And that you're doing amazing!

On that note, if you're currently taking requests, I would like to leave one.

Could I have Kusou, Aren (Saiki K), Norway, America (Hetalia), Bakugou and Todoroki (MHA) with a crush on someone who uses pet names a lot? Like they'll greet their friends (including them) by going (for example) "Kusou! My love!"

No stress in doing it though! And feel free to only do some of the characters.

Thanks a lot!!! I hope you are doing amazing, I'm sorry it took so long

Norway

• Okay, he loves pet names • He always goes to poor Iceland like "c a l l m e b i g b r o t h e r" • ... • (I think I might or might not have just messed up with your brain, my apologies) • Which comes off as a surprise to many due to his cold demeanor • He probably sees it as cute but it doesn't really make him flustered or anything • However, he does love it when you call him "dearest" • His little smile is almost unnoticeable, but it's right there • As his crush on you grows you can finally see an itsy bitsy lil blush • And boy, does Denmark make a whole thing about it? • YES, Mathias isn't particularly known for being subtle • And Lukas is eventually going to get tired of him pestering both of you for being such a "beautiful-should-be couple" • So he finally asks you out. • Please say yes, Mathias will be absolutely destroyed if you reject his bestie who might or might not be his younger brother.

America

• Similar to Lukas, he loves pet names • Actually scratch that, ALFRED FREEDOM JONES IS A BIG FAN OF PET NAMES • Arthur was kind of strict with him while he raised him, and while he did show him affection he never called poor Al any pet names • I really do believe they're both affection and touch starved but Alfred is the only one who actually seeks for it • However since he is not really used to it, he'll just think you're flirting and will "flirt back" • He's not one to pay attention to others so at first he doesn't realize you call EVERYONE pet names • How did he learn about it? • Welp, picture this: • There's a smal break during the world meeting • The reason? Germany got mad at both Italies, they were both sleeping, Feliciano started crying and Lovino started cursing everyone, which escalated into Francis and Arthur fighting, Ivan just sat there smiling and Ludwig just decided it was best for everyone to take an hour long break to unwind. • So, America goes for a walk in the halls unconsciously looking for you and when he finally finds you • His face starts glowing • And when he is about to call your name he sees you talking with England • You said "something, something, Artie, my sweet boy" • And then he replied "tea, biscuits, wankers, coloUr, trousers, God save the Queen, Love~" • Okay, he wasn't really sure of what you guys were talking about but he definitely heard you call him "Artie, my sweet boy" and he heard England call you "Love". • But he let it slide • Some other time you were talking with Francis, "something, something, something, darling" "flirt, baguette, hon hon hon, ma chérie" • Now THAT was concerning, he was getting pissed • You were sweet talking to England, France, RUSSIA, both Italies?????? • Until one day he heard • "Ludwig, something, something, babe?" • And the response was: "work, work, work, work, (y/n) I know you are very fond of all of us here but I must insist on you to address me and everyone else formally during meetings" • So he finally decides to ask Canada about it • "Bro, what did Germany mean with that?" • Mathew is just too nice to do so but he really wanted to slap Alf for being so stupid, so he just tells him "well... they always act like that, did you not notice? did you think they were flirting with you?" • America has only 3 braincells, England and Canada keep 2 of them • Will most likely apologize, and hang out with you • Although his crush on you is too big, he wants to take his time to ask you out and enjoy non-romantic affection for the first time in years.

Bakugo

• *inhales* • boi • Oh god • This is just straight up comedy gold • The IRONY • Bakugo is always going around calling names • And all of the sudden YOU are the one calling names • Even more surprising, PET NAMES • Honey, sweetie, cutie, darling, baby, dear • While he's going DEKU, SHITTY HAIR, ROUND FACE, PONY TAIL • like, bruh wot • So when you start calling him all that cheesy stuff, he is so confused • At first he absolutely hates it, he thinks you are actually making fun of him but nope • When he realizes that's not the case, he's still pissed • It's just annoying for him how you just call him all that shit with no shame whatsoever • But the most annoying thing • Is the fact that you call everyone else that • He wants to be the only person you get to call cute things, but noooo you give everyone pet names • What gets him the most is how you seem to call those damn traffic lights looking morons things like "Sunshine, sparky, cinammon roll" • Like, nah man, their names are "shitty hair, dunce face and fucking ass Deku" • He'll eventually accept your pet names and he is such a blushing mess • He still gets jealous when you call others by pet names, EVERYONE KNOWS HE'S CRUSHING HARD • It's going to take him a while but he WILL confess • He'll see someone talking to you a bit too friendly • And he'll just grab your wrist and take you to an empty classroom and confess, he is possessive, but he doesn't want to put you on the spot. • If you accept, he is going to hug you from behind whenever someone tries to hit on you (as a friendly reminder) • Also, he doesn't know how to do sweet talk. • TEACH HIM, PLEASE.

Todoroki

• visible confussion • Affection in MY classroom? It's more likely than you think • He is not very sure of what is going on, but it makes him feel good? • Another affection starved kid TM • Doesn't ask what's going on • "I guess this is my life now" • It takes him a while, but when he realizes he's in love with you • He'll try to find the perfect time and place for a confession • Nothing flashy tho • It's just short, simple, sweet and personal • He won't give himself away to anyone • He's nervous but won't back down • "They are just the sweetest person in the world" • You are now the greatest thing since cold soba • Enji doesn't like you, he thinks you are just a distraction • But he's trying to be a better father • "Shoto, invite them for dinner" • "What is their quirk" • "FOOD" • "What is their favourite food?" • Shoto couldn't be any happier

Aren

• So, just like every single one of the previous morons, he is confussion • Why are you calling people babe, honey and stuff? • Is it some type of code? • Why do you call him that? • BUT, unlike every single one of the previous morons, he actually asks you directly • "Oh, it's just a thing I do to show affection" • "Ohhhhh I get it" • He didn't • well, sort of • The closest thing he ever got to pet names was being called boss, aniki, sir • So he immediately thought "Ah! It's just like that" • He tries to do the same to you, now people think you are the leader of a gang. • "Hello there ane/aniki" • "Anything you need ma'm/sir?" • I'm begging you, teach him, and give him love • Lots of them • He's trying, okay?

Kusuo

• Meh, he doesn't mind it tbh • Or at least he thought so • He was used to his parent's daily displays of affection • But going to school and see more of it? • good grief • Of course he knew it was only a friendly gesture, he can read your mind after all • Finds it ridiculous, annoying, pointless and unnecessary • And yet he loves it • Makes him a bit shy surprisingly • I wouldn't expect him to confess • Unless you like him back • Then he will consider asking you out • Kurumi loves you, and thinks you are dating her precious Kuu-chan • When she meets you she's all like "Oh, you are the cutie dating Kuu-chan!" • Frick • "What do you mean you aren't dating? Kuu-chan clearly likes you!" • Kurumi is the reason why you're now dating • Now your sweet talk is even sweeter • Won't give you any pet names but will let you call him anything you like • Kuusuke definitely gives him hell for it • Kusuo smacks the shit out of him doesn't care as long as you are happy • He is very happy

#asks #cmlsan #hetalia #hws #hws america #hws norway #cmlsanfanfic #saiki k #the disastrous life of saiki k. #bnha #bnha bakugo katsuki #shoto todoroki #kuboyasu aren

[the-august-one]

So I was telling my mother about the autistic savant named Daniel Tammet and the documentary about him called The Boy with the Incredible Brain. I described how his mathematical abilities are extraordinary and how his brain works like no other insofar as making calculations and learning. About his linguistic skills (he is a polyglot) and how he learned to speak Icelandic in a week. And after i'd gone into detail about the incredible things he can do and has done my mother's response was just amazing:

"Yeah, but he can't do anything with it, can he? Like with a job."

I was so floored that that was her take away from it that I couldn't answer her immediately. It makes sense tho. My mother is a Southern Republican boomer and so of course the only way her mind could frame this man's talents and abilities was in how it could be utilized for employment. How does being a genius who sees numbers as individual textures, sounds, shapes, and colors translate into income and being a productive member of society.

"What does he do, though? What's his job?"

He's a writer, translator, and a poet. Is he worthy now of your admiration, mother? Worthy of his gifts, now that you know he is making money from them? Worthy of a place in society?

#anti capitalism #daniel tammet #boomers #utilitarianism #disabilties #american culture #autism

[nordic-language-love]

About Productivity Grids

I’ve seen more and more people starting to use the productivity grids I’ve been using this year to track my progress (which is awesome), along with concerns about them being toxic and putting the focus on “filling in the grid” rather than actually being productive. So! I thought I’d make a post about how I use them and how to avoid that icky feeling that you’re not being “productive enough”.

What is a productivity grid?

Here’s an example of my productivity grid from this week:

As you can see, I split my different areas of productivity into subsections and mark each day I do them. I fill it in each week, then I take a screenshot to post to my language learning log before clearing it out and filling it in again the next week.

A lot of people use powerpoint for their grids. I use excel with conditional formatting (so I just pop an ‘x’ or ‘/’ in a box and it automatically changes colour, which is super exciting for my dumbass monkey brain). You can use whatever works for you though - I used to print out tables and put gold stars in each square I completed.

What it’s good for

This grid is great for keeping track of things. You can therefore use it to:

See which areas you’ve been working on and which ones you’ve been neglecting. This is a major one for me, because I would go for literally months without doing any speaking practise and only realise when I went back through my blog to find that one recording of me speaking. Now I can see at a glance if I’ve done any speaking practice this week, or last week. All in all, it helps me balance my studying a lot more.

Help you decide what to work on next. Sometimes I get a bit overwhelmed by the choice of what to study. Do I pick up my grammar book? Do I watch the news in my TL? Do I read my book? So then I’ll look at my grid and think “well, I’ve been doing a lot of reading this week but I’ve not spent any time on grammar, so I’ll do that.”

Make sure you’re taking care of yourself. Before I used these for studying, I had a similar grid for self-care, which I filled with things like “went for a walk” and “ate three meals” and “had at least one vegetable” and “read a book” and “talked to a friend”. You can see I’ve included some elements of that in this grid, and honestly I think this is very very important to include.

Understand and predict burn-out. It’s quite easy to see if you’ve been overworking yourself. If you have a lot of full squares one week and a lot of blank squares the next, you can think to yourself “huh, maybe I worked too hard and that wasn’t good for me, clearly I need more balance.”

And of course, it does provide some motivation for yourself if, like me, you love things to be super colourful. Do I sometimes push myself to do a thing just because I want extra colour on my spreadsheet? Yes, absolutely.

Limitations

If you’re looking at this and thinking “I should do that so that I keep myself accountable to my followers”, then I highly recommend you do not use this method. If you do, keep it in a word document for yourself. The goal is not to threaten yourself with a blank grid of shame. The goal is, as I said before, to keep track of things for your own benefit.

Additionally, this only provides quantitative data, and doesn’t give any indication of how much you did. If you spend thirty minutes on an essay every day for a week, you’ll fill more squares than if you spend 5 hours on that essay in one night. Even though you actually spent more time on it, you would seem less “productive”. That’s why I always use it alongside a written log.

Another thing is that there are always situations you don’t account for that don’t fit on the grid. Spent all day cheering up your best friend after her boyfriend broke her heart? Yeah, that’s not gonna show up, so you might end up with a whole day that’s blank.

Some tips for using productivity grids

Be flexible! I’m always swapping my grids around to reflect what I’m working on. I used to have full grids for Icelandic and Finnish, but they took more of a backseat so I shrunk them down to fit in alongside Japanese. You can always add in more grids or take ones out.

Use it to track “unproductive” activities too (if you want). I cannot stress this enough: self-care counts as productive! Cooking yourself a nice meal is productive. Choosing to watch a Disney movie because you’re tired and the thought of studying makes you want to cry is productive. Calling your friend and admitting you’re not okay is productive. Spending time on your hobbies is productive (languages and writing are a hobby for me, so like 70% of my grid is actually devoted to hobbies). Of course, if you then feel like you’re forcing yourself to do your hobbies just to fill in an extra square, take that line out.

Keep a written log of your feelings and accomplishments. In my language log I talk about how well I feel I understood things, how tired I’ve been feeling, what I’ve struggled with and what I’m proud of. This will give more context to your grid, as well as help with identifying those patterns we talked about earlier (if I’m feeling tired and nothing’s working and I notice I’ve not been exercising, I can try the following week to exercise more and compare how I feel).

Never aim for a full grid. You should always have blank spaces - you can’t do everything all the time! If you find you’re consistently filling everything in, you might need to evaluate whether your habits are healthy.

If there are consistently a lot of blank spaces in a particular area, evaluate why. Are you not doing any writing because you’re uninspired? Anxious? Are you just focused on something else right now? Is it so important to you that you do it? Have a think about the reason and whether it’s something that needs addressing or not. (My writing grid is often blank or nearly blank, but that’s fine because it’s not something I want to pursue professionally. My stretching/performance grids being as blank as they are though, well, that is a problem that I need to address.)

If you’re not sure whether something “counts” or not, add levels to it. See how I have some boxes marked with a / instead of an X with a lighter background? Those were when I told myself “this doesn’t really count”. I only stretched when I warmed up, I only spoke a few broken sentences to myself, I did half a Duolingo lesson then quit etc. For a long time, I didn’t mark them in at all. Now I do because I was getting too harsh on myself. You could always try ranking your sessions based on how intense/productive they were, or putting in numbers to show how much time you spent on them. This doesn’t work for everyone though and can add further pressure.

Remember your followers appreciate honesty. Like I said earlier, you don’t have to post these to tumblr; you can keep them for yourself (either in a word document or a spreadsheet or print them out etc). But if you do post them, remember that giving your followers an unhealthy impression of always being productive won’t do them any favours. So embrace those blank squares and don’t feel ashamed. 

If you start to feel anxious about how “little” you’re achieving, or like it’s preventing you from being truly productive, stop using it. No method works for everyone and you should never feel pressured to continue using a method that doesn’t work for you just because other people on tumblr do it (just like I never take aesthetic pictures because spending all that time and effort setting them up burns me out before I’ve even started).

Happy studying, everyone! Go smash those goals and remember to look after yourselves while you do it.

#productivity #studying #languages #language blog #langblr

[reidecorating]

the bau team and their star signs based on science

hotch: clearly an aries. this is not up for debate and i don't take criticism. natural born and excellent leader? maybe. but bossy boots because he is just a bossy boss man who probably sleeps in a suit or those pyjamas that have suit graphics on them? most definitely. when he speaks, his voice sounds like it’s coming out in all lower case, when he yells, it’s all caps. angery. down to throw hands at anything in his immediate line of vision probably. will exterminate you like a roach if you mess with someone he cares about. don't break the rules or my boss will kill me 😡 to you're breaking the rules under MY supervision, that way my boss will kill US 🥰. probably microwaves food a lot. type of dad to say no to getting a dog, then two months later get matching christmas costumes with said dog. never stops working because he is an absolute UNIT built like the circuit of one of those infinity pools in bali. could use another sabbatical.

rossi: i saw his birth certificate and the rumours are true, he’s a november sagittarius. two wives away from being a modern day king henry the eighth. it’s rossi’s world and we’re all just living in it. he is a prophet. his third eye has been opened and he ascended to the seventh dimension at the age of 24. when he takes leave, the only way to contact him is through a ouija board in latin or maybe greek depending on the position of the sun. he will only die when he chooses to die but will dissolve at the words ‘what are we?’. the major arteries in his body are just long pieces of macaroni. definitely has hooked up with one person from every state the jet has landed in. no filter between his brain and mouth, will destroy your self confidence intentionally. uses abbreviations when texting. liberal - because of the experimenting back in college. probably friends with your mum on facebook.

prentiss: imagine her being anything but an air sign. you can't because she's clearly an aquarius?? work comes first (first equal with her girlfriend). if you tell her to do something she simply won't do it, especially if it was something she was just about to do. she once came home from a run with her mother in the summer and her mother politely suggested that she should drink some water. emily, an anarchist, did not drink water and was hospitalised for heatstroke in due course of proving her point of nonconformity. has been to jail. sucks on candy canes and makes them pointy because christmas is one of her least favourite days. on probation. no, i really like him *deletes his number*. maybe moves to iceland to become a sheep herder to avoid having to ever see anyone she has romantically affiliated with ever again. actually quite the jester, joke levels exceed 4000, but can make you laugh and cry in the span of approximately the length of a short youtube ad. the antichrist.

morgan: has at some point caused someone to question their sexuality. am i really a straight man? do i really only like women? - direct quotes from anyone who has seen him. if that doesn't scream libra i don't know what does. i’m trying to refrain from using the words ‘hot’, ‘sex god’, ‘rail me’. the kinda guy who will hold open a door for you, but also have no problem kicking one down for you. has never ditched class before. momma’s boy. tries to make his pecs move in the mirror. he KNOWS he’s hot okay??? but THEN its not just that because people are like ‘oh he's attractive’ but then they find out he’s RESPECTFUL, and INTELLIGENT and COMPASSIONATE and then that awkward moment when you just DIE because he is not flawed??? it’s like he’s a lucid dream??? probably secretly is really good at baking some obscure european good. uses colognes that have really manly man sounding names for instance, ‘Man Musk’, ‘Mystical Muscles’, ‘Beards and Buttercream’.

garcia: the epitome of a female pisces. a baddie™. definitely owns a pair of those really skinny sunglasses that influencers wear and looks like god herself while in them. spirals from being the momma bear to the wine-aunt. she will care about you so hard but if that's not reciprocated, will hack into your my eyes only and fax those pictures to every machine she can connect to. accidentally has flirted her way into at least 19 relationships. really good at writing fan fiction??? like - seriously good. knows 4 different synonyms for the word “member” iykyk. researches things the people she loves most enjoy, so when she talks to them she can have more detailed conversations. catches feelings for people who are definitely not good for her. sometimes just takes off her glasses because she's tired of, well... seeing. hand makes cute lil earrings for her friends. a master at fireboy and watergirl and will never play with anyone else because ‘another player just slows you down, i can do it myself in half the time’. THAT FRIEND WHO WILL WAIT FOR YOU TO TIE YOUR LACES.

jj: virgo. she was definitely that girl who had notes with pretty titles and colour coded highlighters in school. also did extracurriculars in the weekends so she’d have to be picked up from sleepovers early to go to soccer games. when she takes the time to learn something she learns it well and perfects any craft handed to her because anything less than 100% is failure in her eyes. gets annoyed when other people cry for too long probably. will judge you. so much. silently. especially if you cry. don't make her mad because she has caused civil unrest in 13 continents. live, laugh, love signs in her kitchen. security footage surfaced in 2007 of her roundhouse kicking a middle aged man, in the junk food aisle of a trader joe’s, after he took the last re-stocked bag of cheetos. has a ‘mom first, agent second’ mug that garcia got her. likes family walks which will most likely be planned out meticulously, involving a detailed itinerary of the day i.e. Henry’s toilet break, 10AM

reid: he despises star signs and anyone who gives them any thought because “where is the SCIENCE?” this bitch is a scorpio. definitely only knows his sun sign. so intense! have you seen the way he looks at things?? the way he stares??? the way he analyses dead bodies??? the way he loves??? ridiculously put together to everyone around him but emotionally life is soup and he is fork. kinky. breaks off bananas little by little with his hands before eating each piece individually because eating them normally is too sensual and he’s paranoid morgan might see him doing it and take a picture. wants the kind of love he reads about. has a superiority complex about having a superiority complex. keeps a straight face while saying literally anything so you cannot tell if he’s being serious or not like one day he’ll just be like “yeah i killed a man with an axe once to enable myself to more easily empathise with future unsubs who potentially work as lumberjacks or have a history of logging. it’s called method axing,” and then leave the room to draw circles on maps or something. believes that parallel parking should work, in theory, but never seems to work for him in practice.

#if you disagree you’re just wrong #these aren’t accurate i’m aware bc emily is a libra 🙄 but if i were one of the writers i would not have made that mistake #this was originally meant to just be for rossi but i had fun 😳 #aaron hotchner #emily prentiss #jenifer jareau #derek morgan #penelope garcia #david rossi #spencer reid #criminal minds #astrology #thomas gibson #paget brewster #aj cook #shemar moore #matthew gray gubler #kirsten vangsness #joe mantegna #mgg #criminal minds funny #cm fic #criminal minds fanfiction #gublernation #incorrect cm #mgg x reader #text #cm headcanons #mine: writing

[orangeoctopi7]

A Negligible Price

I guess it’s becoming a tradition for me to add another chapter to A Minor Inconvenience every year for @stanuary . I swear I didn’t mean for this to happen. It’s just that the prompt “Sacrifice” got me thinking about this story and where I thought it could go, and then I got writing and I started coming up with ideas for how I could actually put a finish to this story. So yeah, hopefully it won’t be another year before I post chapter 4, but not promises!

Also, first time I’ve had to do this, but:

CONTENT WARNING: DISCUSSION OF SUICIDE/MARTYR COMPLEX AND SUIDICE ADJACENT THEMES.

* * *

Bill rushes to gather himself together again. Now that Sixer and his idiot brother have caught on, he knows they’ll probably be making a move against him soon. The time for lying in wait and keeping a low profile has passed. He’s been getting faster, better at finding the tiny flecks of gold scattered into the dark abyss below. 

Unfortunately that also means that he’s noticed that some missing pieces just never turn up. As an interdimensional being who’s existed in countless dimensions across innumerable timelines, Bill likes to think he knows himself pretty well now. What he’s made of, how much power he’s accumulated, what he’s capable of. And if he had to estimate now, which he does, he’d say he’s been reduced to maybe a third of his power. Roughly two thirds of him are missing. 

What happened to those missing pieces? Were they simply deleted by that memory eraser? Did he leave some of himself behind in that physical form he left to enter Stan’s mind in the Fearamid? Bill can only guess, but really, in the grand scheme of things, it doesn’t matter. What matters is getting out of this moron’s brain and starting again on his path to a universe free of rules.

* * *

Stan recovered from his latest memory lapse quickly, despite the fact that it was the worst one he’d experienced since he sacrificed himself to the memory gun last summer. The experience had clearly put Ford on edge, and as much as he tried to bottle up his emotions and remain calm, Stan could practically feel the panic coming off him in waves. 

They were both relieved when they reached Spitsbergen. There was a hospital in Longyearbyen, where Ford insisted they stop to give Stan a check-up. Stan felt fine, but if it helped ease Ford’s nerves, then he could sit through a check-up.

Explaining Stan’s condition to the doctor was a struggle, considering English was not his strongest language. They definitely got across that Stan was experiencing memory problems, but the doctor seemed to be under the impression it had been caused by an injury to the head in an accident, rather than a purposeful exposure to a memory-erasing device. 

Eventually, Ford had lost his patience and just asked if they could use the CT or MRI machine themselves. The doctor spoke enough English to tell them that the nearest CT or MRI machine was in either Iceland or Russia.

The elder Pines twins left the hospital in low spirits. Ford kicked at little pebbles as they walked down the street.

“There’s a research facility in Ny-Ålesund. Perhaps we could sail up there and commandeer some equipment to rig up our own CT scan…”

“I think it’d be easier to just hop on a plane back to the States at this point.” Stan suggested.

“If we’re going to hop on a plane somewhere, it’ll be to Reykjavik, where we won’t have to pay an arm and a leg for any treatments.”

“Yeah, we’ll just have to wait half a year.” Stan rolled his eyes. “I don’t think they’re gonna take ‘revived demon in my head’ as an urgent need.”

“Probably not…” Ford admitted.

“And you’re sure you didn’t figure anything else out the last time you were pokin’ around in my head?”

Ford grit his teeth. The truth was, he was afraid what would happen if he tried to revisit that memory. The cold flames of the memory eraser had felt so real, even just revisiting it in Stan’s mind, and they seemed to be the trigger of his latest memory lapse. Would they have a similar effect within Ford’s own memory?

“Nothing I’ve been able to make sense of.”

Stan grit his teeth. “So what now? Just leave that jerk in my head?”

Ford sighed. “I want to do some more research into what we’ve learned so far. Perhaps a trip to the library will help me find some insight. But truthfully… I may have been too hasty with punching out Bill, when I encountered him. He’s a liar who can’t be trusted, but he’s also a braggart. If I’d just let him run his mouth a little longer, we may have learned something about what he’s up to.”

* * *

Longyearbyen’s library wasn’t any bigger than the public library in Gravity Falls, and had significantly fewer books relating to Bill and mind magic, but it did at least have access to several library databases that Ford couldn’t typically log into from the Stan’O’War II. (According to Fiddleford, these databases could be hacked into quite easily, but Ford didn’t have the time or the wherewithal to learn how) It would have to do for now. Ford took a seat at a computer, and with a little help from a librarian, he was soon scrolling through peer-reviewed articles from different archeologists and anthropologists and folklore experts and descendants of the Aztecs and Mayans debating who Xolotl was, what his role was in the Aztec religion, how much his lore changed from Pre- and Post- Colombian invasion, and so forth. 

What he’d learned so far was interesting, to say the least. The things that most people agreed upon was that Xolotl was a god of death, fire, and lightning. What caught Ford’s attention was the fact that they were also the god of twins and deformities. He glanced down at his twelve fingers, which rested awkwardly on the small keyboard meant for people with just ten. It seemed odd that Bill would call on this particular death god, when they seemed far more likely to be a patron to Stan and Ford. 

While Ford puzzled over this new information, Stan browsed the library, looking for something to entertain himself while he waited. Unsurprisingly, there weren’t a whole lot of English books in this Norwegian library. Luckily, it wasn’t long before he stumbled upon an extensive comics section. Even though he still couldn’t read most of them, the pictures were at least enough that he got the gist of what was going on.

 European comics were very different from American comics. They featured a lot less costumed superheroes punching bad guys and a lot more weird, quirky characters setting out on adventures and exploring the world. They also seemed to lean more heavily on comedy rather than drama. Stan decided he liked them.

He’d been looking at a story about some rich duck when he noticed he felt odd. He didn’t know how else to explain it other than to say that his brain felt itchy. The more he concentrated on it, the more it faded away, but when he went back to looking at the comic and got absorbed back into the story, it came back.

After almost an hour of the feeling coming and going, Stan decided he was not imagining the sensation. He stuffed a tissue into the comic as a bookmark and got up to see what Ford would have to say about it. Almost as soon as he laid eyes on his brother, a wave of anger washed over him. Just like the itchy brain feeling, it went away almost as soon as he stopped and thought about it, but it had been so strong, that he couldn’t deny it had happened.

“Hey.” Stan tapped his brother on the shoulder as the old researcher skimmed an article about why the Aztecs associated lightning with twins.

“Hmm?” Ford acknowledged him without looking away from the screen.

“Am I forgettin’ to be mad at you about somethin’?”

That got Ford to turn and look at him. “Are you having a memory lapse!?”

“I don’t think so, but just a second ago I looked over at you and I felt really mad all of a sudden. Can’t really think of a reason why, though. I’m just wondering if maybe the other day, when I had the big blank-out, maybe we missed somethin’?”

The old researcher’s face contorted with guilt. “You have ample reason to be mad at me. I didn’t stand up for you when dad kicked you out. I never reached out to you for over ten years. I expected you to drop everything and help me with my problems without any explanation. I refused to thank you for saving my life--”

“Yeah, no, none of that stuff.” Stan shook his head. “I remember all that stuff, and I’ve already forgiven you and junk. Mmmm… did you try to enchant the mop again and not let me remember it?” But even as he joked that the underlying reason must be the latest chapter in a minor argument, he knew that couldn’t be right. The sudden bloom of anger had been much more deep-seated and horrible than that. It had felt like… it had felt like Ford had ruined everything. 

To be fair, there had been a long period of Stan’s life when he had felt like Ford had ruined everything. But Stan was over that now, and this brief brush with anger had felt even more heated than that.

Ford gave him an appraising look. “Were there any other memories or emotions associated with this feeling?”

“Oh yeah, my brain was feelin’ itchy right before that.”

“Have… you been using shampoo?” Ford asked, unsure of what to do with this information.

“Not my scalp, genius, like the actual thinking part of my brain!”

“... I can’t even begin to guess what that means.”

“Ugh, I don’t know how else to describe it, ok? It’s like somethin’ was squirmin’ around in my mind!”

The brothers wore twin expressions of realization as the words left Stan’s mouth. 

“We need to get back to the boat.” Ford stood from the computer desk abruptly.

“Yep.” Stan set the comic he’d been reading down on the desk, not even bothering to remove his improvised bookmark. 

* * *

Bill throws his hands up and roars in frustration. He can’t seem to take control, even when the moron’s mind is zoning out, losing himself in some stupid comic book. He’s already in the mind! He’s been here for months! He knows his way around here. So why isn’t it working? Is it because he never made a deal with this guy? That shouldn’t matter! The last thing they did before the whole memory gun thing was shake hands! 

There's no time to waste complaining, though. Sixer will be poking around here any minute. Bill needs a plan. Before, he'd spent millions of years in the Nightmare Realm planning. Now he's making everything up as he goes.

It's clear that Bill can't just take control of Stan like he'd been counting on. But do the other two know that? He might still be able to use that to his advantage.

If Bill is going to trick these losers and get out of here, he needs to play his opponents right. Luckily, he's got years of experience fighting against Sixer. It's the Big Mackerel that he worries about. 

Before, Bill hadn't paid much attention to Stan. He thought he understood what made the simple con man tick. But then, in the end, he found he didn't understand at all. Even after months of being trapped in his mindscape, Stan is very much still a mystery to Bill.

But there is one thing about Stan that Bill does understand.

He’s willing to sacrifice himself for his family.

* * *

Once they were back aboard the Stan’O’War II, Stan allowed himself to relax, just a little. At least here his surroundings were familiar, and the only person he had to worry about was his own brother.

Under normal circumstances, “the only person he had to worry about” meant he didn’t have to look over his shoulder for law enforcement or old criminals who might recognize Stan from his drifter days. 

Today “the only person he had to worry about” meant the only person he could possibly endanger if Bill was able to take control of him. Ford was the last person Stan wanted to put in danger, but he also had to admit, his brother knew more about the demon than any other living being on the planet. 

Stan may have been able to relax a tiny fraction once they were back aboard their boat, but not Ford. Ford was in full-blown panic mode.

He frantically searched around the storage room for something, anything, that could help protect his brother from Bill. Unfortunately, they hadn’t thought to bring unicorn hair or moonstones on their voyage. He did have titanium, but he wasn’t confident enough in his emergency medical knowledge to perform cranial surgery on his own, and he doubted they’d be able to find a doctor crooked enough to do it for them. Currently, his best idea was to build an updated version of Project Mentem, but that would take time. Time he wasn’t sure Stan had.

“I can re-enter your mindscape and shatter him again.” Ford decided, pulling out the candles again. “That should at least buy you a few days.”

“Ok.” Stan nodded. He’d definitely prefer to know Bill was shattered again, and not moving around in his brain. “But it’s not like he’s doing anything right now.”

“He’s probably trying to get us to lower our guard.” Ford assumed. “I’ll need to tie you up. He usually makes his move while his victim is asleep.”

“If I need to fall asleep for your spell while tied up, we’re gonna be waitin’ a long time.” Stan warned. “I dunno if I could even fall asleep right now if I had the world’s most comfortable bed.”

“Fair point.” Ford nodded. “I may have to drug you.”

“You gotta be kidding me!” It was abundantly clear that Ford was not kidding in the slightest.

“Would you rather be used as his puppet!?” The old researcher shouted. The outburst rang in the air for a few seconds while Ford tried to steady his breathing. “Stan I… I’m sorry, I just--”

“It’s ok.” Stan pulled him into a hug and tried his best to calm his brother down. “I know you’re just scared.”

“I’m not scared for myself.” Ford explained in a small voice. “I’m scared for you. Waking up to find that you’ve hurt someone, it’s-- I wouldn’t wish that on anyone, least of all you--”

“Stanford, look at me. We’re not gonna let that happen. What if we do it while I’m awake, like we did with the memory before?”

Ford nodded meekly. “That… that could work.”

“You can still tie me up if that makes you feel better.”

The old researcher bit his lip. “...It shouldn't be necessary...”

“Ford.”

“...But it probably would ease some of my fears, yes.” he admitted.

“That’s what I thought. I’ll go get the rope.”

Still unwilling to let his brother out of his sight, Ford followed Stan up to the deck while he retrieved said rope. Once they were back below deck, he wrapped Stan tightly in a large blanket before sitting him down on a chair and tying him up, to ensure he was as comfortable as possible while still restricting his movement.

“How do you feel?” Ford asked as he lit the candles.

“Like I’m about to be shipped back to Oregon in the mail.”

“And Bill…?”

“I haven’t felt anything else from him since we left the library.”

The lack of activity should have reassured Ford, but instead it just added to his general unease. At least he was able to compose himself enough to perform the incantation.

Just as last time, after a flash of light, he found himself on the deck of Stan’s mindscape, with Stan himself standing beside him. This time, though, Bill was floating there, waiting for them.

“I KNEW YOU’D BE BACK HERE AFTER I GOT YOUR ATTENTION IN THE LIBRARY!” The demon taunted. “OH, AND LOOK. STANO HERE EVEN MADE A MENTAL CONSTRUCT OF HIMSELF WITHIN HIS OWN MIND JUST SO YOU WOULDN’T HAVE TO FACE ME ALONE! HOW CUTE!” He prodded Stan in the stomach like he was the Pillsbury Doughboy.

“Back off, bucko!” Stan threatened. “We’re here to break your whole face!”

“WHAT, YOU COULDN’T WAIT UNTIL TONIGHT TO DO IT IN YOUR DREAMS LIKE YOU ALWAYS DO?” Bill asked, voice dripping with false innocence. 

“We’re not able to risk the chance of you parading about in Stanley’s body.” Ford growled.

“HA! YOU SHOULD KNOW BETTER THAN ANYONE, FORDSY, I ONLY DO THAT TO STUBBORN KNOW-IT-ALLS WHO WON’T WORK WITH ME WILLINGLY.”

“If you think I’m gonna work with you willingly, then you’re an even bigger idiot than I thought.” Stan grunted.

“HEAR ME OUT, MAC! WE BOTH WANT THE SAME THING HERE! ME, OUT OF YOUR SAD PATHETIC MIND!”

“You can’t leave!?” Ford asked in surprise.

“WHAT, YOU THINK I ENJOY SPENDING TIME IN THIS BOZO’S MIND? YOU THINK I WAS PLOTTING MY REVENGE?”

“Honestly, yes.”

Bill gave a long, mocking laugh. “AHAHAHAHAHA! YOU REALLY THINK I CARE ABOUT A COUPLE OF INSIGNIFICANT FLESH SACKS LIKE YOU?”

“We’re the insignificant flesh sacks who killed you!” Stan reminded him.

“WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY. THE BEST REVENGE IS LIVING WELL.”

The brothers exchanged a suspicious glance. They highly doubted Bill actually believed that adage.

“BUT I CAN’T EXACTLY LIVE WELL TRAPPED IN YOUR MINDSCAPE. I MIGHT GET BORED AND DECIDE THE BEST REVENGE IS KILLING YOUR ENTIRE FAMILY WITH YOUR OWN HANDS.”

Ah yes, that was more along the lines of what they expected from Bill.

“So you’re saying you’ll just let bygones be bygones if I cooperate with you?” Stan asked skeptically. 

“WE’LL GO OUR SEPARATE WAYS, NEVER TO MEET AGAIN!”

“And what are you planning on doing once you’re free?” Ford asked coldly.

“NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS, SIXER.” The demon waved him off. “NOW ARE YOU GONNA HELP ME OUT OF HERE OR NOT? THE SOONER THE BETTER. YOU TWO AREN’T GETTING ANY FURTHER AWAY FROM THE AVERAGE LIFE EXPECTANCY OF A HUMAN MALE, AND FISH FACE HERE DOESN'T EXACTLY TAKE GOOD CARE OF HIS BODY.”

“Hey!” Stan shouted indignantly.

“Why should Stan’s life expectancy factor into this?” Ford asked.

“HMMM? OH, NO REASON.” Bill said evasively. “I’M JUST, Y’KNOW, IN A HURRY.”

“You’re an immortal, extradimensional being. You’ve been trying to find a way out of the nightmare realm since before multicellular life developed on this planet. If you’re so sure we’re close to the end of our lives, why not wait until we’re out of the way? You must realize we’ll try and stop you from starting Weirdmaggedon again!” Ford reasoned.

“WHO SAID ANYTHING ABOUT STARTING WEIRDMAGGEDON AGAIN?” Bill denied. “AND MAYBE AFTER A BILLION YEARS, I’M TIRED OF WAITING!”

“Unless you aren’t immortal any more.” the old researcher concluded.

“YOU’VE SEEN FOR YOURSELF, FORDSY, EVERY TIME YOU OR YOUR IDIOT BROTHER SHATTER ME, I PULL MYSELF BACK TOGETHER.”

“Immortal in the mind, perhaps. But what happens when the mind you’re occupying finally dies?”

“ALRIGHT, YOU FIGURED IT OUT!” Bill sneered. “I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN A GENIUS LIKE YOU WOULD. YEAH, MY LIFE’S TIED TO THE BIG MACKEREL’S NOW. SO WHAT? YOU GONNA KILL YOUR BROTHER JUST TO GET RID OF ME?”

“Of course not!” Ford barked.

“Hey, I’d be more than happy to take you down with me if it meant making sure you never hurt anyone else ever again!” Stan challenged the demon.

Ford stared at his brother with wide eyes. “Stanley, no!”

“Hey, relax, I’m not talkin’ suicide or anything.” Stan assured him. “But he’s right about one thing. I’m not gonna live forever.”

I’ll only do it if I have to. A stray thought cawed overhead.

Stan cussed under his breath as Ford gaped at him with a mix of alarm and pity.

“I’m not gonna take it back.” Stan insisted after a moment. “If that’s what it comes down to, to keep him from hurtin’ you or the kids, then I’m taking him down with me.”

Ford placed his hands firmly on Stan’s shoulders and looked him straight in the eye with all the intensity he could muster. “We won’t let that happen!” 

Bill laughed at them cruelly. “RIGHT, CUZ YOU’VE HAD SO MUCH SUCCESS STOPPING ME IN THE PAST.”

“I’ll find some other way!” Ford insisted.

“I’M SURE YOU COULD, WITH TIME.” Bill agreed. “BUT I’M GONNA STRANGLE YOU IN YOUR SLEEP BEFORE THEN!”

Not if I strangle myself first! Another one of Stan’s stray thoughts called.

Ford gave his brother a frustrated shake. “No! Stanley, I swear to you, that won’t be necessary!”

“Alright, that’s it. We’re not havin’ this conversation in my brain, where you can hear all my unprocessed thoughts.” Stan decided.

Suddenly, Ford’s form and everything around them flickered and began to fade to white. Stan and Bill were the only ones who remained solid and whole. Stan was waking up? But he’d never been asleep before the spell in the first place!

“Don’t you try any funny business!” Stan pointed an accusing finger at Bill. “I’m coming back to shatter you into a million smaller pieces as soon as I fall asleep tonight!”

#Gravity Falls #Fanfiction #Stanley Pines #Stanford Pines #Stanuary 2021 #This jerk

[runawaymun]

Hi, my 2 questions are:

Fresh Air, Macabre!

Thank you, dear one!

Per this meme

Fresh Air - what's something you're thankful right now? Currently I'm so very grateful for my boss. He can be a real pain in the ass sometimes, but he's so incredibly flexible and gives me such a long leash. He knows I work hard and can manage myself and so he really just leaves me to my work, and when I finish my projects he doesn't care if I spend the rest of my time writing or reading or working on my own things.

Also he didn't fire me when my mental health got really bad and I wasn't able to work. He just allowed me to take as many days off as I needed until I was better again (which is like...UNHEARD OF in the US). I wouldn't still have this job if it wasn't for him.

Macabre - you have peculiar interests? Does Elrond count? But oh man. Yes. What those interests are widely depends on my current hyperfixation. But in general I'm absolutely obsessed with history, and by that I mean I have a stupid amount of historical knowledge, facts, and anecdotes lodged in my brain. Most of it is pre-20th century because I legitimately do not care about anything after the Victorian era lmao. I suppose it isn't the interest which is peculiar, but just the depth of my interest!

I read koine (Biblical) Greek, and my literature interests vary widely, but I do have particular interest in Old English and Norse literature, like Beowulf, Dream of the Rood, The Green Knight, the Mabagnonn, Celtic Myths and Legends, and the Poetic and Prose Eddas. One of these days I will apply myself to learning Icelandic and Old English...

...and I'm currently writing my own conlang for use in my Sci Fi novel series which I'm collaborating with a dear friend of mine on. It has its own alphabet and I've pulled mostly from Maori, Hebrew and Icelandic for sounds and grammar.

(Also just...I love mythology in general. Whether that's Greek, Roman, Hindu, Slavic, Germanic, or Celtic-- and Folktales around the world, especially Native American peoples like the Salish, Chinook, Zuni, etc.-- I especially love reading Coyote tales!)

This is why I love the Silmarillion so much-- I've spent so much time studying Mythology and Folklore, and Tolkien intentionally wrote it stylistically as a collection of folktales.

Ok ok I'll stop. I could go on about my interests for an Age.

#personal #out of uniform #ask meme

[trilobiter]

I remember thinking when I was a little kid that a lot of the girls I knew had surnames that I couldn't quite picture belonging to a boy. Like if there was a girl in my class named Jane Doe, it would jar me to learn she had a brother named John Doe.

(The fact that doe is a word for a female deer isn't really relevant to what I'm saying, but maybe it's a little bit apt?)

And then I would realize that, since most (American) kids have the same surnames as their fathers, there had to be not only boys but grown men with these surnames that I was mentally filing as implicitly feminine, simply because the first person I knew with that surname happened to be a girl.

I didn't have the knowledge or wherewithal to unpack all that when I was a little kid, but the thought of it still crosses my mind now and then when I see certain names. Eventually I learned that there are some cultures in the world with surnames that are actually gendered (Iceland and Russia come to mind). I'm not sure how my brain would have processed that information back then, but it is interesting to think about.

#trilobiter #language #names #gender

[beansprouts]

Bean’s Eurovision 2021 Top 5!

(aka Bean’s Eurovision 2021 Song Ranking: Part 5)

This is the S-tier for me, and I would be ecstatic if any of the following artists won.

5) Manizha - Russian Woman [Russia]

I genuinely don’t understand how, Russia being the way it is, this pro-LGBT Tajik refugee utter goddess managed to catapult her modern feminist anthem to winning the Russian national competition. Maybe after charming everyone with internet darlings / rave trolls Little Big last year, Russia decided a conventional Eurovision act was for squares? Or maybe Manizha is just that good? Honestly probably a bit of both. This song is a tour de force. If you’re like me you might need multiple listens to be ready for it, because it exists somewhere outside of conventional genre expectations, but I promsie it’s worth it. If it wouldn’t be insulting to Manizha I would suggest it comes from an alternate universe where electronic music is more freeform and you could combine Russian girl-rap with a sick synth guitar (sitar??) drop without it being weird. I feel I need to mention again how good that drop is. It’s not a dubstep-type drop, but when that first beat kicks in you feel the energy, and it makes the subsequent slowdown for the lyrical belts (”Борются, борются Все по кругу борются, да не молятся”) all the more impactful. That her message reduced so many Russian viewers (and a fucking cultural committeeperson) to pearl-clutching only proves how much it’s needed. People hate to see an immigrant woman win. But, have you seen her? She’s fierce and she cannot be shut up <3

4) 10 Years - Daði og Gagnamagnið [Iceland]

If you follow my tumblr you’ve probably seen me reblog stuff about Daði Freyr, because I think he’s delightful and I love everything he does. In the wake of Hatari’s BDSM-with-a-message shaking the world in 2019, Iceland swung in the complete opposite direction in the best possible way by introducing us to Daði Freyr, potentially one of the most wholesome musicians of all time, and his high-school-found-family-turned-band-Gagnamagnið. Their 2020 song Think About things was written as a sort of letter of hope and acceptance to Freyr’s young daughter who’s too young to form opinions. It’s utterly charming and probably would have (deservedly) won last year’s Eurovision if the pandemic hadn’t caused it to be cancelled. 10 Years, in turn, is a love letter to Freyr’s wife, with whom he’s been married a decade. Freyr’s style is both unusual and distinctive: smooth and simple yet irrestibly catchy vocals, funky brass fills, and the gorgeous experimental synths of a self-trained internet hobbyist. His attachment to his old-school 8bit aesthetic makes him not just endearing to my own nerdy biases, but refreshing to a generation of Eurovision viewers tired of the overproduced and inauthentic bombastic power ballads of yesteryear. Freyr is clearly the musical genius of the group (as evidenced by his frequent covers, streams, and other fun experimental breadcrumbs he clearly releases just for the sheer fun of music) but I also love that he’s always surrounded by his buds. That one in the front is his wife :) You can tell they’re friends, you can tell they’re having such fun, and it’s a straight rush of serotonin to me and anyone else who goes buckwild for found family in fiction. I want to play video games with him. 🎵How does it keep getting better????👯‍♂️

3) Discoteque - The Roop [Lithuania]

The Roop’s Discoteque is the ultimate theme song for dancing by yourself in your room. That is it, I have condensed its essence into one sentence for you. It’s really not hard to get the appeal of that. Haven’t we all been trapped in our rooms for the past year? Don’t we all need to be told that “it is ok to dance alone”? I feel like The Roop made the accompanying dance simplistic for other viewers on purpose. Discoteque is for everyone. Discoteque is a sealed package of pure fun, and it’s addressed to everyone who has heard the chorus of this song. Even though everyone is isolated in their own home right now, we can do the dance ourselves, and it is ok to dance alone. Dance alone, dance alone, dance alone.... 🕺

2) SHUM - Go_A [Ukraine]

Songs like SHUM are the reason that Eurovision exists: a blend between Ukrainian folk (heralding the beginning of spring) and utterly banging hard techno. Where the fuck else would I find Ukrainian technofolk? And more importantly, where else would I find one that goes this hard? There’s a reason why in the past week I have seen videos of almost every Eurovision performer dancing to SHUM, and it’s because SHUM is a fucking banger. I’ve already posted that I think I played this song so much my neighbours are getting sick of it, and I’m trying to teach myself the Ukrainian lyrics. It’s not out of effort, really, it’s just because if you like EDM at all you will fall in love with this song and have it in your brain constantly, and next thing you know you’re learning Ukrainian folk tales about the metaphorical resonance of sowing hemp. It’s such a good song purely on a musical level that anything else it could offer is just extreneous, frankly. But we also have Kateryna Pavlenko’s god-tier cyberpunk queen aesthetic, Ihor’s brilliant flute-playing, and a genuinely very punk video of the band visiting Chernobyl to benefit from Go_A too. The band that never stops serving.

1) Dark Side - Blind Channel [Finland]

Ok, look, nobody is surprised to see me simp for the Finnish nu-metal band. But give me a few paragraphs to convince you that they (or at least this song) merit just a bit of simping. As a treat. From the perspective of Eurovision this song came pure out of left field: electronic pop and hard rock in a harmonious marriage the likes of which the music scene hasn’t seen in decades. Apparently they like to use the term “violent pop” to describe themselves. In many ways the feel like a Linkin Park revival, if maybe a bit more energetic: dark, emotionally vulnerable, and the kind of thing you would belt out in the shower on a bad day. It is also technically perfect. Considering the simplicity of the lyrics it’s easy to overlook all of the compositional details at play here, but from the vocal effects to every guitar riff to the drum solo in the bridge to the sheer energy of the performance, everything is both perfectly engineered to be musically effective yet authentically hard rock as fuck. These boys may have the aesthetic of someone who spends their days crawling out of dive bar dumpsters (affectionate) but they are extremely hardworking with their craft and I wasn’t surprised to see the release of their mini-documentary wherein it’s obvious they are working themselves ragged and should probably be getting more sleep. Not to forget, of course, the message of Dark Side. This song is a tribute to the outsider, to feeling lonely, to being emotionally stuck and needing release. It embodies catharsis. Every human out there (even though some may claim not to) know what it’s like to want to stick your middle finger up at everyone. And it’s that often-maligned part of you this band is channeling with this amazing rock song. I want Dark Side to win because I think, after 2020, what we as a society collectively need is to put our middle finger up, take a shot, throw it up and don’t stop.

Previous parts of my ESC 2021 song review: Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4

#eurovision #esc 2021 #beansprouts commentates #music review #long post #me? be late to my vaccination appointment because i had to get this out before the first semifinal? it's more likely than you think

[semi-imaginary-place]

more random death stranding thoughts

finally back to death stranding. the whole BB thing is real disturbing also where's everyone getting their food from??? if its grown below ground that a lot of energy needed.

also been analyzing the map and while some seem like actual cities dc and la. theres also one in yellowstone???? theres denver and then theres some mountain in volorado ? and the middle of nowhere in south dakota wat

hey... death stranding... why is oxytocin an essential

Yeah was thinking about oxytocin being labeled an essential... how many people live in some of the places sam visits. They're called cities but what does "city" mean in the post apocalypse? Some of the points really do seem like one person or a small family. Doesn't help that i mistook oxytocin as oxycontin for the first couple hours. It made sense in my head since delivering painkillers (abit highly addictive narcotics) to a terminally ill patient makes some sense. But yeah oxytocin is involved with social bonding and regulating that whole thing in yer brain. The fact that everyone is on it to functiom is kinda yikes though 

i have... questions 

ok this might just be me but im getting the impression that death strandings art director really wanted the game to be set in iceland instead of america. the music... the lanscapes...

why doesn't everyone in death stranding dress like bloodborne characters. shares the same purpose: stop direct contact with skin 

does snow count as timefall?? 

the one thing ive learned from death stranding is that you should never get pregnant or know anyone who is pregnant. bad things happen to pregnant people in this world

ok... so its alleles that are selected for not genes... and that not what an evodevo biologist does. evodevo is reference to how evolutionary patterns are often mirrored in developmental ones. like if you look at the fetus of any mammal early enough they all look the same. and if you go back further in developmental time all mammal fetuses will also resemble bird and croc fetuses, back to the last common ancestor. and if you go back even further in a fetuses development, all vertebrates are indistinguishable to the untrained eye. so yeah at some point you looked the same as a zebra fish (which is part of why they are used often, also easy to care for and fast generation time). oh and humans grow tails and then loose them. this of course is also mirrored in an organisms gene expression patterns. if you map out gene expression over time and compare that across species, it moves with he evolution of genes in that lineage. take for example hox genes are how they control body planning 

you get a bro bonding moment with higgs of all people... 

ahhhh the classic this doesn't make sense at the end part. Ok so why did fragile have to transport 3 people back east give she says next that its too dangerous to warp sam there. I mean thematically its so you have to retread your entire journey and end where you started, but wow does this feel forced. also did die hardman cliff and amelie just chill for like 3 days on the beach (or however long that is in beach time since it seems to move faster???) 

Wish you got the option to kick higgs while he's down. Bring a gun to a fistfight (and still lose) 

Amelie has a bunch of names too! Amelie, Samantha America Strand, Amerigo. at the beginning I was like "what idiot names both their children Sam, oh right the president of the united cities of america, that's who"

oh. huh. i thought it was weird that Amelie never aged... 

its after an extinction event not before. post extinctions you tend to see massive adaptive radiations to fill in empty niches. but that happens in response to an extinction event. not before one. Also its just damned hard kill bacteria and archea like just really really hard to get rid of absolutely 100% of them. a lot of speciation events yeah. but its after 

what is happening

oh no a kojima game has confused me uwu this has never ever happened before

a good scene

ok so a pediatrician and other health workers should always be on site for a preemie. if BB's are stalled at 28 weeks then that's about 7 month old, Lou's admittedly a little weird but the devs didn't change Lou's model. You should absolutely not take any baby out in the rain without insulation and protection. we you are that small its hard to regulated body temperature. Also babies cant move their heads until a could weeks and they certainly don't have the strength to push themselves up like lou did until much later 

I guess that concludes hideo kojima’s norman reedus mpreg piss simulator....

In all seriousness I really like this. Its thematically cohesive which is a big personal preference of mine. The game did trick me into thinking there were branching endings. Linear games are underrated and Death Stranding definitely stuck its landing.

Also, the whole twist that Amelie isn’t Bridget Strand’s daughter because she had uterine cancer is bullshit, have you never heard of adoption???

#death stranding #kojimas twisted mind

[handweavers]

anyway i brought up language because what i want to do with my life and my plans for the future all require me to at least understand a handful of specific languages, some for family & cultural reasons and others for my art and research i want to do and learn about that can't entirely be understood unless engaging with the native language of that region.

like on god on whatever energy that threads all of us together on whatever divine spark living in everything in this whole universe I WILL! LEARN! TO SPEAK! PUNJABI! and bahasa!!! bahasa was my first language!!! i spoke it as a baby in Malaysia but when we moved to Canada no one ever spoke Bahasa to me here so I forgot a lot of it. Its comes easier to me than any other language does, probably because of that early childhood memory connection.

but career-wise art-wise research-wise my heart and soul wise i want to study prehistoric textile traditions with artists and learn from them as much as i can!! and the places where these are happening are countries that i'd like to learn their language to best communicate and understand them and emotionally grasp the experience better. places like iceland and norway and scotland in the north to the prehistoric traditions in egypt and artisans in the andes of south america and of course the massive incredible ancient textiles of india of my people and our ancestral traditions and to do all of that there are so many languages to learn and it's all VITALLY important to me but there's not enough room in my brain right now to be thinking about languages