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emmajh97-mumaji · 1 year

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A Former-Hero's Confession

"A night out drinking with your friend leads to questions about his old partner Barnaby... and where Kotetsu's true feelings lie." - Kotetsu T. Kaburagi x Reader - Reader takes on the role of a 30s-40s aged NEXT going to college for a nursing career. Gender neutral. - Bisexual Kotetsu and Aromantic Asexual Barnaby headcanon - SPOILER WARNING: Takes place after Episode 25 of Season 2! - Prequel to CHAPTER 2: A Former-Hero's Heart & Home

You're a NEXT who lives in a small town just outside of the city of Sternbild. You've made a decent living for yourself for many years, but never got the chance to follow your dream: becoming a nurse to aid the unwell. Finally getting to a stable point in your life, you applied to several colleges-- and were accepted to an acclaimed university in Sternbild!

At first you were embarrassed, thinking you'd be the oldest student in a room full of youths fresh out of high-school. To your relief, there were actually a few other people in your medical classes closer to your age. In fact, there was one person that was a year older than you... Kotetsu T. Kaburagi.

You'd heard about him in passing, of course. Mr. Kaburagi was a famous hero, who recently helped save the city from L. L. Audun, Gregory Sunshine, and the Abbas Prison Disaster! Sadly though, he lost his NEXT powers in the process... and had to retire from being a hero for good. When asked why Kotetsu was trying to get a degree in medicine, he claimed that he had taken an interest in physical therapy when his partner Barnaby injured his leg. That makes sense. When it came down to it, he and you both had the same dream-- helping people in need.

That was the dream, anyway. In reality, you felt bad for the old man. You weren't exactly a spring chicken yourself, but his terrible memory made you worry if he'd ever pass something like Anatomy & Phys. When he jokingly suggested you tutoring him, you jumped at the chance.

It's been nearly two years, now. You've come to know Kotetsu much more than just 'ex-hero Wild Tiger from the news' or 'the classmate who fails nearly every test'. What started as exchanging small details about your lives has become sharing each other's struggles. Kotetsu helps you with your NEXT powers, and you help him with his lack of them. Formal meetings in the college library have now become Kotetsu making fried rice in your kitchen, while you read off flash cards to him. Kotetsu using his phone to show you Hero TV clips has become you having dinner with his family while cheering Barnaby on, live from the Kaburagi's television. What started as-- "Your daughter seems very mature." "So you were talking with your old coworker Barnaby?" "I appreciate you inviting me out for a drink, Kaburagi-san." --has become "Ha! Kaede's going to kill you!" "How's Bunny doing?" "Congrats on passing, Kotetsu!! Drinks are on me, tonight!"

At first you were annoyed at this bumbling man and his foolish behavior. How dare he preach to you about studying too much while he wrecks his sleep schedule from trying to be friendly-neighborhood-hero-of-the-streets all night! But now... you've come to appreciate him as a warmhearted, sensitive guy who tries his very best. Someone who hides his pain, because he's so considerate of others he forgets to consider himself. A workaholic who loves his daughter, who loves his friends, but is still trying so hard to be true to his heart. To replace the dream he he had lost with a new one. ...you'd be lying if you said you hadn't fallen for him. Perhaps further than you could have imagined.

It was a Saturday night, the two of you go out to his favorite bar. You can tell Kotetsu is frustrated, but hiding it from you (as per usual). After a few drinks, he finally reveals he got into an argument with Kaede.

"She wanted me to try out this dating app, but I told her I wasn't interested." Kotetsu explained to you as he swirled his glass. "She's just trying to help you." You reply, "I mean, you do seem pretty lonely sometimes." "I'm fine being alone!" Kotetsu countered, putting on a charming façade, "I'm a too-cool-for-you single man!" "No you're not." you flatly rebuffed. Kotetsu groaned, "Yeah..."

He cut the act, taking a swig before continuing, "I told her that I wasn't sure if I was ready to love again... But she said Tomoe would be disappointed in me for being so pathetic......" "Don't worry about it too much," you console him, putting a hand on his shoulder, "I'm sure Tomoe would want you to be comfortable in a relationship. Trying to force it would just hurt both you and the other person involved." Kotetsu lips curled up into a little smile, the kind that made the scary tiger look like a soft kitten, "Yeah, you're right."

"Plus!" suddenly, his mood brightened, "I don't need a dating app, anyway! I already have someone in mind!"

"You're kidding?" "Nope!" "Who is it?!" He sing-song-edly replied, "That's a secret~"

You take a moment to think. You grin evilly, "Fire Emblem?" "What?! No!" Darn.

The egg-timer in your brain ticked as you thought. Then, with a ding the obvious answer dawned on you-- "...it's Barnaby, isn't it?" "H-HUH?!" Kotetsu looked like he would fall out of his seat, floored by your astute suggestion.

You suddenly remember something that makes you grin twice as evilly as before, "Oh, that's right! Remember? There was that one interview where you confessed your love for him!" Kotetsu, as you planned, had his entire face go red. He blundered through his words in a overly flustered manner, "That was taken completely out of context!!" "Oh really~?" you goad. You already know the context, but you enjoy sitting back and listening to Kotetsu's silly voice when he goes off on one of his patented Old Man Lectures (tm). "It was during that charity event Fire Emblem was hosting!" Kotetsu started,

"Fire Emblem gave a huge speech about how true love is about more than just sex or romance. How it's about trusting someone completely with your feelings. About how girls are allowed to say they love their best friends, but when men do it they're assumed to be gay. And they were right! Men should be able to tell their friends they love them! I really believed them! I was so moved by their speech that I couldn't help but--"

You cut him off with a smirk, "-couldn't help but make a fool of your coworker in front of thousands of viewers?" Kotetsu mumbled angrily at that. He slumped against the bar with an adorably grumpy expression, and took another swig of his glass.

You soften your tone, "I'm just teasing you, Kotetsu. I know you hate it when creepy fans make your relationship with Barnaby awkward." He looked up at you like a sulking puppy, "Yeah..."

"That being said... Part of me does wonder..." Kotetsu shoots you a betrayed look, "Eh?!" You hold your hands up defensively, "Hear me out-!"

"You told me one time that you invited Bunny over to your place for champagne, but that it was ruined because he misunderstood you and invited all your other friends along?" "....yeah?" "And also that you had dreams of an actress with blonde hair and green eyes... one that looks suspiciously similar to Bunny?" Kotetsu sweats, "...y-yeah??" "So? Doesn't that sound at least like a crush?" "W-what?! That's crazy!!" Kotetsu flailed about. But he was protesting too much, and as soon as he saw the look you were giving him he realized it was too late.

Kotetsu sighed in defeat, "You're too smart. I can't hide anything from you." You gasp excitedly at that. You were right! He DID have feelings for Bunny! ...wait. Oh no. He has feelings for Bunny... for someone else... You stare at him expectantly, not sure how to feel about this revelation.

Kotetsu leaned back, "I think it's because Bunny was the closest I'd ever gotten to someone since, well..." he rubbed at his ring finger. You nodded in understanding.

After Tomoe, Kotetsu closed himself off from sharing his true feelings with other people. Barnaby and him were obligated to work together- and ironically that made Barnaby the perfect candidate. As heroes, they were forced to trust each other. To literally put their lives on the line for one another. You remember Kotetsu introducing you to Barnaby. The two of them were so comfortable around one another that it felt like talking to an old married couple... With that kind of understanding, it's no wonder something deeper might blossom between them.

Meanwhile here you were. Just someone Kotetsu had gone to college classes with. You've checked in on Kotetsu, forcing him to stop drinking and get some fresh air while he was having depressive episodes. You've patched him up when he was still clinging onto the idea of being a hero, and doing reckless things constantly. But how could that ever compare to fighting criminals together? To going on TV together? To saving the entire city together? You feel a pit begin to form in your stomach.

All these thoughts swim in your head as Kotetsu continues to explain-- "I couldn't help it when old desires I had came up to the surface." he takes another sip, "But it really was just a passing crush at most." You're genuinely curious at this point, "Did you... ever say anything to him?" Kotetsu sighed... "I tried my best not to... but like you just did, he found out." You could infer from his tone of voice that it didn't end well, "Oh no...." Kotetsu grinned in embarrassment, rubbing the back of his head, "I got re-ject-eeed!" "Dang!" you consoled him, "That's too bad." Though (and you're not exactly proud about this) you're actually relieved to hear this news.

"Yeah..." Kotetsu doesn't seem too upset, mostly awkward, "Bunny told me that he loved me as a friend, but he doesn't swing that way." "Aaah... it makes sense. He's always such a show-off to his female fans." "No no, he said he wasn't interested in women, either. It's called..." Kotetsu scratched his beard as he struggled, "uh- arrow-something...?" You chimed in, "Aromantic Asexual?" Kotetsu points at you excitedly, "Yeah, that's what he said!!" "Wow..." you were genuinely surprised, "I never would have guessed." "Yeah, he keeps it a secret to protect his 'sexy celebrity image'." Kotetsu clarified mockingly. You frown, "...isn't he going to be mad you just told me about it, then?" Kotetsu's brow furrowed at that. Finally, he gave a comedically delayed, "...shit! Whatever you do, don't tell anyo-!" You laughed, "Don't worry, my lips are sealed!"

There was an awkward silence. Then suddenly you remembered what started this conversation topic-

"So wait... if it's not Bunny... who is the person you had in mind?" Kotetsu froze, getting one of his characteristically dopey expressions, "H-huh?" "The reason you 'don't need a dating app'! If it's not Fire Emblem, and it's not Bunny--" you think to yourself, 'I highly doubt it's Blue Rose, as much as she'd probably wish it was', "--then who is it??"

"Eugh- w-well..." Kotetsu is back to flubbering again... until he gets an idea, "It's one of my fans, from when I was Wild Tiger!" You didn't even try to hide your incredulous tone, "Oh really?" "And how come I've never heard of this person, if you're so keen on dating them?" "B-because like I said, it's a secret! I didn't want to disappoint all my other raving fans, you see." "...sure." you roll your eyes.

As you take a drink of your own beverage, you notice Kotetsu is staring at you. He has a familiar twinkle in his golden-brown eyes. The look he had when there was something he was trying to hide. Something eating away at him...

You stare back at him for a quite a while, before he realizes you're both gazing into each other's eyes. He immediately looked down at the table, avoiding your face in embarrassment.

Finally... you get the courage to ask... "Is it me?"

You swear you see Kotetsu shiver at that. "E-eh??" he nervously sweats again.

"Am I the one you want to date, Kotetsu?" you repeat, in no uncertain terms.

He stares at you again. This time you can really see the hesitation in his face. He absentmindedly puts his ring finger up to his lips... mumbling into his hands... "I told you... it's... another person. One of my old fans."

"So it's not me?"

You can hear the 'Please stop asking' pain in his voice as he states, "...no. It's not you. You're just my friend."

That last sentence sounded like he was trying to convince himself more than anyone. But still... Kotetsu's mind worked in strange ways. Maybe you really were wrong?

"That's okay. Sorry for asking." you backpedalled, "And don't worry, I don't have feelings for you or anything! Just being friends is fine with me." But then you added under your breath, "I really wouldn't mind if you wanted to ask me out, though..."

"What?" Kotetsu leaned in, seeming as though he didn't hear that last part. But you cover it up, not wanting the situation to get awkward again, "Hey, how about I get you another round? You promised to tell me the story of how you and Rock Bison stopped a monorail together!"

Kotetsu still seemed a bit on edge, but took the hint. He gave you a goofy grin that made it feel like sunshine indoors, "Hell yeah!"

Later that night...

As the designated driver, you escorted Kotetsu back home to his apartment.

"Hey... areyou ssure... about the not-having-feelings forme ththing?" Kotetsu drunkenly asked as he wobbled up the steps to his front door.

You forced a smile, "Yes." Helping him inside, you gave him a glass of water. "But--" "Kotetsu," you cut him off before he could question you, "Listen to me."

"Over this past semester I feel as though I know you enough to at least be your close friend." "That'scuz you are!" he replied with a drunken grin. You kept going, "So I have to say... I may not be the person you're pining over, but if I was... I'd want you to know that I care about you being happy more than I do about getting into a relationship. Because you are amazing. Even if you mess up all the time, it's always for the right reasons. You may cut your leg trying to save a cat from a tree, but seeing you try makes my life so much brighter. I'd tell you that... I know I could never replace Tomoe, but I want to help you pick up those pieces she left behind. Whether that's from keeping you warm on a lonely night, or simply just being there as your shoulder to cry on during the day. Because I love you. Not just as a hero, not just as a celebrity, but as Kotetsu. My friend."

"A-at least, that's what I'd say, if I were th--" you are about to finish when hear a sniffling sound.

Kotetsu is laying his head down on his living room table, ugly-sobbing into his arms. "K-Kotetsu?!" you fret, reaching towards him.

"Th...thaat'sso b-beautiful!!!" his voice is slurring not just from the alcohol, but from the tears. You chuckle, not really sure what else to say. Kotetsu rubs his eyes, then drunkenly says, "I- I love you too, pal!!" "W-wait, what?!" your heart raced, "Kotetsu, it was just an example, I didn't mean--!" But your attempt to respect sober Kotetsu's wishes fell on deaf ears, as drunken Kotetsu continued to spill his heart out-- "I- I mean it! Really!! I'm sso bad at thiss kinda thing! Antonio and Bunny have been so busy with hero work, Muramasa's got his own family to deal with, Kaede's off at boarding school--" he sniffed loudly, "Y-you're the only one that's really been here for me!! I'm so lucky to have you!" You couldn't help but smile at that. "I'msorry for lyingtoyou, I just-- I keepthinking of Tomoe- a-and Bunny rejecting me- a-and...!" Kotetsu tried to keep talking, but it had quickly devolved into incoherent sobbing. You patted him on the back, forcing him to drink the glass of water, "C'mon, Tiger. Let's get you to bed, okay?" You escorted Kotetsu to the bathroom, then waited until he came back out in his pajamas. "You okay?" you asked as Kotetsu got into his bed. He smiled, voice still cracking, "Y-yeah... I'll be fine." You nod, heading towards the door, "I'll come by to check on you tomorrow." The last thing you hear him say is a soft, "Thank you..."

#Tiger & Bunny #Kotetsu T. Kaburagi #Kotetsu Kaburagi #tiger and bunny kotetsu #Kotetsu T. Kaburagi x Reader #Kotetsu x reader #Tiger and Bunny x You #tiger & bunny x Reader #y/n #fic #fanfic #Tiger & Bunny 2 #Tiger & Bunny spoilers #emmajh97's posts

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whatevz420 · 6 months

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just venting, idk. i usually do this in my journal but i'm refraining from adding any negativity into the one i currently write in, so of course logging back into my ghost town of a tumblr account is the only logical place to dump it all.

life fucking blows. i was researching examples of emotional abuse and i've experienced every single one. like, going down the list and feeling my heart drop a little bit more with each point was such a painful feeling. my abusers (which feels weird saying/writing for the first time, but it's appropriate, sadly) are in denial that they could have possibly done these things to me. and oh, how they love to tell me how responsible i am to continue going therapy to fix the wounds i have. it's up to me now. it's the truth, but i can't help but be extremely angry that they can say it with complete validity. because even though me getting help IS the appropriate next step, what about them? what about the actions they need to take, like apologizing? and meaning it? why aren't they doing research on whether or not what they did constitutes abuse? identifying to me exactly what they're sorry for instead of making absurdly vague blanket statements to hopefully get me to shut up about it forever and let it die in the past so they are never reminded of their own actions again?

i was so mad when i was forced to tell them how i felt only for them to say, "okay? well your only option now is to get help. the past already happened." like ... thank you for such a sensitive response to my feelings. this is why i never open up or ask for help. it's just not bound to end well. if you open up, people will use your sensitivities against you as a weapon. if you ask for help like you've been told to, you'll be gravely disappointed because you were expecting people to care, and they won't.

i believe in forgiveness. i firmly believe it is the most important virtue of all. but how do you forgive someone when they aren't even sorry? and more importantly, how do you forgive someone when their behaviors from 10 years ago still occur every now and again?

i'm 24 now and i want to let go of the pain so bad. my younger self was so much wiser. and i was always optimistic. i thought i would be that way forever. maybe i still can be. i remember being so happy when i was young, so full of joy and always in awe of the world around me. i loved music, i loved to sing into my nintendo dsi voice recorder. i loved learning about makeup and practicing it on myself. i thought the grass outside in the summer was such a beautiful green. i never failed to appreciate the little things.

then, i was mocked, bullied. all the time. every single day. and any passion of mine was never appreciated. i didn't know it at the time, but my parents were neglecting me and everyone else was bullying me. i was made to believe liking those things was wrong. i was made to believe that liking such normal things was not normal. one thing i've learned about myself is that i am very easily manipulated and i will quite absolutely believe anything people say about me. i was also always a shy girl to begin with, but i was made fun of for being quiet so i began to overcompensate and became the most nauseating, attention hungry teenager, and it still wasn't enough because of my physical appearance.

i was then bullied for being overweight. by peers, but also by my own family. i never felt so alone in the world. i felt like it was never going to end. the sad thing is, it kind of never really did end. i wish i had at least one friend to validate my feelings and tell me everything was going to be okay, but sadly i didn't even have that.

i've tried to take my trauma and become a better person out of it. my biggest fear was ending up becoming someone who inflicts harm onto others because of what they've experienced. i feel like i've done a pretty good job maintaining that, actually.

but now, i'm suffering. my self esteem has plummeted because everything i heard about myself when i was a child is so ingrained into my head. those people ruined such a sweet, young girl. i strongly believe those things about myself to this day, all these years later. when i have children of my own, i will instill so much confidence, praise, and love into them so they will never have to misunderstand their value in the world the way i did.

i'm hoping that i can teach myself to become whoever i want to be. fuck my abusers. fuck them for trying to take everything away from me. their failed attempt is pathetic. i've been abused by other people but i've let it go because they're no longer in my life. unfortunately, my worst abusers are the ones that are in my family, which are people i can't just easily cut off. but i don't care, them being "family" may make it harder to deal with because i can't escape them, but it doesn't mean i will ever accept the behavior. i still love them, but they have made it extremely difficult to do so. and if they ever tell me, "well, you don't show us you love us," like, hmm, why do you think?

pretty sure no one is reading this but thanks for letting me trauma dump <3

#vent

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jedi-bird · 2 years

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I mentioned to my partner yesterday how this year I plan to try and participate in nanowrimo. I've tried for six years and every year something goes horribly wrong and prevents me from even thinking about having time to myself for months. This year, aside from the preset doctors appointments, it looks like I'll be able to do it.

I love my partner, they're wonderful in so many respects, but sometimes they don't think what they say through. "Most people fail because it's difficult and they don't know what their doing." They went on to talk about how editing while writing messes people up and how it's impossible to finish and I just...I hate that I mentioned anything.

I rarely talk about my writing to anyone in my life. Growing up, I used to write all the time. My teachers encouraged it and pushed me towards schools that specialized in writing. My family--everyone but my grandma--made fun of me for wanting to be an author. That wasn't my only career goal, but it was one that I wanted to do on the side. But years of being made fun of, of being belittled, of being told it was stupid (combined on years of emotional and mental abuse) made me stop writing. It took until my mom dying for me to start writing again--and no one knew except my partner.

They have always encouraged me to write but it's rare that I tell them what I'm writing until it's done. They tend to ask questions that I struggle to explain. Like no I can't tell you where this is going, not if I don't want to spoil the plot. They used to work in an industry that revolved around stories, so they zero in on anything that isn't fully fleshed out (and in a first draft there's going to be spots like that so just let me get it all down before you start picking it apart). They're not being mean and in fact have helped me fix many plot issues with a novel I've temporary lost interest in writing (for different, outside reasons), but sometimes it's too much.

I know they are proud that I write. I've only shown them a few things but they keep asking about them and praising them and asking about the fanfic I write. I'll never show them those but they know my user name and are more than welcome to go find them on their own. They've told their friends about one of the past novels I was working on, that I really should finish, that had those friends asking a million questions I wasn't prepared to answer and making demands about "put me in the story, make me the hero, do this, I love stories that's--"

I don't talk about my stories anymore until they are mostly fleshed out because too many times questions become criticism which brings up the voices of my family and I can't keep going.

So this year, I took a chance. I was brave, and talked about something I wanted to do for the first time in a long time.

And now I'm struggling to want to do it.

They spent a long time talking about how they did it in the past and failed, how its not at easy as people say, how no one understands how difficult it is to focus and write. I know they didn't mean it maliciously. I know they were talking about themselves but it hits different when you're a person who has struggled all their life to openly talk about something that feels important (I've spent years working on this, in therapy and outside of it). To say it knocked the wind from my sails is an understatement. I'm struggling to remember why I wanted to do it now.

I know if I tell them how I'm feeling they'll be horrified. And I will tell, probably in a few days when I've had time to think about it and feel less raw. And I'm going to try and spend November holding myself accountable to write almost every day. And yes, I could pick another month and do the same thing, but I need the accountability that November holds to force my hand and make me work.

It's very hard for me to explain to people who didn't grow up like I did just how easy it is for one stupid phrase to feel like the worst thing ever. And this just illustrates that I'm not doing quite as well as I thought I was doing. So I have work to do, and I need to force myself to try despite how I'm feeling. I need to remember why it was I wanted to write in the first place.

I hate feeling like this more than anything.

#vent post #mental health issues #bad brain day but it'll pass quickly

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fifi-forgets-a-lot · 2 years

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I deserve to be angry.

Rice explained to me the day after my last blog entry that their intentions had not been nearly as malicious as I had thought. They said they were trying to be as considerate as possible and apologised which is completely valid although I'm aware there's still a lot of condescension in their view of me. Maybe i was harsh, but I was so hurt and triggered I don't see why I should beat myself up about it.

I just got of therapy and we touched pretty closely on my relationship with Indigo, which of course I found incredibly uncomfortable but it just reaffirmed that I do deserve to be angry. It's a feeling I'm going to have trouble processing for a while. last week my therapist introduced me to the idea of "cognitive dissonance" which means that your brain has trouble differentiating between two different versions of something, take narcissistic parents as an example: The narcissist wears a kind mask when it serves them so as a small child you are so in need of that treatment that your brain chooses to believe that the mask is a true reflection of your parent's love for you. The reality of course is that the narcissistic parent is simply manipulating you so that you'll come running back to their abuse.

I think I'm struggling with Cognitive dissonance with Indigo too because every time I think I might get the warm relationship with her I've always wanted, every time she she says she'll be there for me, she lets me down and blames me for our failing relationship.

This is what she did in Greece, she let me think she finally understood and when I finally did what I needed for my own safety she decided that the situation was about her. I left a family holiday because I was trapped on an island with my abusive mother and enabling family and she decides that she has the right to around telling my grandparents what happened. I texted her saying that I wasn't angry (although I was) but that it made me really uncomfortable.... That was 3 weeks ago and I haven't heard from her since. She's been actively ghosting me in fact, she texts the family group chat, she has phone calls with all my family members but she refuses to text me back.

I can't do anything about it either.

She has always actively played a hand in making me look unhinged and invalidating me. She has this special emotional intelligence that she uses to undermine people. In the past when we've had fights, the way she has tried to rectify it is by writing all her feelings down and preparing herself entirely and then coming to get you so you can have a chat. She is ready for this and you are caught off guard so when she refuses to apologise she has her reasons not to on paper and you can't think of any why she should. Logically, to anyone watching, you are in the wrong. Her making you cry or hurting you is not a good enough reason for her to apologise when she's been "struggling with her mental health". I have way to much empathy for the pain she might be in to invalidate that, she could go to therapy but I know how hard it is to ask for help. I have been making myself small for her for so long but I won't do it anymore. I'm not sure if I would be stooping to her level to text her again with all my reasons and play the same cruel tricks she's using on me for years.

I'm am genuinely lost for how to handle her and too emotionally exhausted to confront her or for her to confront me. There's nothing for her to confront me about but she'll find a way to make me the guilty one. She may be a big part of the reason I feel suicidal around my family - you can't argue with the saint even if they're a wold in sheep's clothing, not when you're surrounded by their pack.

I'm too tired to talk about it more, not in the way that Indigo and my mum say when they're unable to argue more. Just genuinely ready to give up on my family. I wish I could be apathetic or even spiteful enough to pack my bags and change my number but for now, avoiding family dinner will have to do.

They put me in so much pain but I know where my happiness lives.

Thanks for being here, have a nice week.

From, Fifi <3

#mental health #golden child #narcissistic mother #narcissistic family

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dzpenumbra · 2 years

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8/31/22

Welp, it looks like my fear of confrontation is back. I wonder why... Guess just years of it turning into hours-long fights just sent me right back into undoing all the therapy I worked through. It's a biophysical reaction now.

See, I used to be very quiet. Most of my life really. I wouldn't really open up to people easily - unless they really proved an interest, then I'd tell them my entire life story... There were episodes where I was pretty extroverted, usually summers and very rarely, and once something big went wrong that persona would go into hiding for a few years.

This was mostly a response to my family life, to be honest, I'm like 80% sure of it. I've just become aware that this really isn't very normal, and surely isn't healthy, so I'm just gonna throw that disclaimer out there that I already know, I guess. Ever since I went to high school, things started to change. I was a ski racer (following the family tradition). I was pretty good, I placed 6th in the state championships. But I didn't love it. It was fun, it was a rush, but it was so... linear. Go do what everyone else is doing, but do it BETTER. FASTER. Even at like 13, I was learning that the only part I really liked about it was going fast.

Then, one day, my friend brought me over to the freestyle park after racing practice. I had racing boots on, the kind that are like hard plastic and strap tight. I had racing skis on, Atomics, wood-core, heavy fuckers. Even with all the wrong gear, I still got air, and the feeling was just... completely different. It was everything I was trying to get from racing, without all the sweaty bullshit. Without painting inside the lines. Then I started thinking about snowboards and comparing them, and thinking "Oh, when I'm in the air, I could grab one ski like this, like a trick or something." So I'd make up new grabs, trying to grab the side, the tail, pull my legs up in weird ways. Trying new things that I thought might look cool or something. When I got back to the ski club, I took off my boots and my big toenail on my... I want to say left foot was split right down the middle and oozing blood. I didn't even care. I was hooked.

Ski racing was pretty much just done right there, maybe I went to a few more practices but it was just like... why am I bothering when I could do this? This led to trying snowboarding, and eventually making the leap and switching over to it. It led to skateboarding. Then I started making skiing/snowboarding/skating videos with my friend Tyson, then with my friends Rob and Jesse. We started a "film company" called Distant Films. I was introduced to CKY, already a closeted Jackass fan. I was introduced to hardcore and underground metal, already a closeted nu metal/metal fan. The transition was perfectly natural.

My history teacher, who didn't like me for some reason, failed me in his class (I love history, btw) and fucked with me on the basketball team, which was like... my shit. I loved basketball since I was a kid, I grew up with a net in my driveway. I tried out for varsity freshman year and ended up puking in the bathroom. I remember a teacher came in and reassured me, encouraged me to keep trying. I ended up on the JV B team, again, just like soccer, and the fucking history teacher/coach benched me the entire season. Yep, didn't play a single game. I dipped. I played street ball a bit towards the end, pick up games and shit at the rec park, but he really fucked that passion over. I wonder what his deal was? Probably didn't like that my parents had money and wanted to take it out on their kid or something? No clue. It's weird to see him at the grocery store sometimes like 20 years later, he avoids eye contact.

So... all this backstory is to lead towards showing why I had a big problem opening up and sharing my life with people. Well, because I was treated as "acting out", "defiant" and "rebellious" because I pursued interests that I enjoyed. Because I listened to music and went, "holy shit, where has this been my whole life, this is amazing!" Because I tried freestyle skiing and realized it was all the things I enjoyed about racing minus all the stressful shit I dreaded. Because I started to blaze my own path, rather than just do what my dad likes to do.

That's when the fighting started, the animosity. I became an outcast. I got spiteful. I had passing moments when I was petty. But more than anything, I got sad and lonely. I tried to share my new interests with my little brother, he was a bit young to get it at first, but he grew into it eventually, in his own ways. I don't want to talk about him right now, it still makes me very sad.

My life, my interests, my persona - all were branded as sorta... spitting in the face of the family. Why? No clue. It was always perceived as rebellion, like the ONLY reason I was doing any of it was to just say "fuck you" to my family. As though they were even on my mind at all. Because of that, they spitefully showed zero interest in my life. Of course. And more than that, deemed my life/interests/persona "bad" and "aggressive", targeting them, of course.

If you look up AndrewSchrock on YouTube - I mean... he blew up as a YouTuber doing the whole "father/son play games together" family videos, but like... his energy, randomness, ADHD and skate attitude. He's exactly like what my friend Rob was in high school. We made those kinds of videos, just much more raw and minus the family stuff. Skate videos, stupid skits, jumping off of stuff, CKY videos, that sorta shit. That was the life I was supposed to have. That's what I was supposed to do.

I went to college for Film. I went to a safety school instead of Full Sail in California. Me and Rob stopped talking. Life hit the reset button and I ended up failing out and landing back with my family.

How easily anyone could've brought me back on track by just encouraging me and making sure I was realigned with my passions. Believing in me.

Before I tell my entire life story again, let me reel my ADD brain back to the point I wanted to cover. The confrontation thing and opening up. For the majority... fuck, pretty much all my life... my interests and opinions have been not just ignored and seen as worthless. No... that would actually be an upgrade. They were often perceived as heresy. Or, somehow, targeted aggression. Just by existing in proximity to my family with different interests, they had a justification for suppressing my contributions. I learned very quickly to keep my mouth shut and keep my head down.

Countless dinners sitting with my hands on my lap, head hung, staring at a candle, listening to talk about business and politics, the news, shit like that. I'd occasionally get bursts of confidence enough to try to share an opinion, an interest, maybe a song I like. It would not go well, at best just cold silence and a topic change.

This happened at a very impressionable age, and it formed into very base reflexes and deep habits. It took me several years of repeatedly leaping off metaphorical cliffs by trusting and opening up to people unsolicited, some of the scariest shit of my life, to forge new habits and evolve my personality. Those closed-off reflexes are returning, due to repeated losses, negative reinforcement and extreme stress.

Now, tonight, I had a panic attack over playing a game of Minecraft with a friend. I avoided confronting an issue I was having that was upsetting me, I left. The only shred of my current coping methods I was able to get out was a message that said "I'm having anxiety attacks", which somehow went unnoticed so it kinda felt like I might as well have not typed it. So, that's kinda where the prompt for this came from. I haven't done that whole avoid confrontation and walk thing in... a long fucking time, years. I really don't like it. It feels cold and careless, selfish, like making my frustration and discomfort their responsibility to notice. Like it's a guessing game or something. I worked so damn hard to train that response of "if something with someone is bothering you, just pull them aside and get it over with". It's never easy, but ever since I really cracked down on it I have consistently felt it's the best way to address interpersonal issues. On paper.

Not with a family that decided to make it's own commandments, and one of them is "don't criticize, don't complain". Not shitting you. That's verbatim a "rule" in my family, and one that clearly applies to everyone who is not the parents, because they criticize and complain more than anyone else I know.

So yeah, that's where I'm at today. Not happy with all that. I'm gonna go get some sleep. Hope tomorrow brings some peace and joy. Much needed.

#diary #journal #online journal #stream of thoughts #spilled thoughts #panic anxiety

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agnetafrieberg · 2 years

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i feel so useless, worthless, lost, pathetic. i spent my entire teenage years sure that i would kill myself by the time i reached 18, or even sooner. i tried once, and failed. after that - it was so fucking scary and overwhelming and a mess overall - i changed my perspective for a while. i valued my life and myself. but so many things (more especifically, failures and rejections) happened and have been happening since then, and it’s been getting worse each time

i feel like a failure in every sense, especially as an “adult”. i feel like i never grew up past 16. even my friends and acquaintances, who also struggle with mental health issues, have made progress and are way more ahead than me. i’m so behind in college and it’s a hell of a struggle just reading an academic text. i can’t get a job - everyone keeps rejecting me due to lack of experience. i’m 100% dependent on my parents and my sister for Everything. they literally pay for my entire existence and, bc of that, they feel like it’s their right to control my life and my every move. i can’t fucking breathe

i have so many emotional and trust issues, i can’t stay in romantic relationships for too long, or sometimes even begin relationships. i just hurt people and myself, deeply. i’m toxic

i’m not a real adult. i’m fucking pathetic. a failure. i wish i had the guts to just leave this place - this place that i don’t fit in anyway - but i still care about the impact that would have on like, 7 people who genuinely love me and care about me. and part of me is still hopeful that things will get better, part of me still wants to keep on trying. and i am trying - in my fucked up way, believe me i’m trying. but it gets harder and harder as you get older, and society in general looks down at you because you’re “old” and “irresponsible” and “immature”. even though it hurts to be seen that way, i agree with them, at least when it comes to myself.

i hate, hate, hate everything about myself. i don’t feel comfortable in this world (it has many good things in it, but imo the bad outweighs the good), in this society and their standards and beliefs that i cannot force myself to agree with AT ALL. and as if things couldn’t possibly get any worse, i’m starting to experience mild psychosis.

i feel so much regret. and during my worst moments, i feel hatred and a sense of betrayal towards my parents - i’ve displayed signs of mental illness since i was a very young child (they both acknowledge that) but they (well, actually my mom) didn’t get professional help for me until i was 16. not to mention that they disencouraged me so many times (”you’re not really sick! you don’t need those meds, therapy doesn’t work, it’s all just a scam!” etc etc). and now they tell me “why haven’t you been fixed yet? you’ve been in treatment for so many years, you were supposed to be normal by now, like everyone else. why can’t you be normal?”

that shit fucking hurts. every single day of my life i wish i were normal. or at least, that i had artistic talent to make a living writing about my struggles and obsessions, whatever. but i’m good for nothing. not good for a 9 to 5 job, not good for internships, not good for arts. i used to deeply believe that my life had a purpose. but i’ve been trying and trying to find That purpose for so long and failed so many times, i keep losing hope as time goes by, and i get older, and feel more like a failure

more and more i feel like there is no purpose for me at all, i’m an absolute failure. my family would be better off without me and my close friends would eventually get over it and move on with their lives and just think about me every once in a year or so. i accomplished nothing during my lifetime so my leaving wouldn’t have an impact on anyone outside the family-friends circle. i’m too weak and i just don’t have it in me. and most of all, i’m too weak to just fucking end it all

#tw tw tw

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crazylil-lion · 2 years

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You know whats crazy she made me raise her kids while constantly screaming at me. Hitting me telling me how useless I was while I was cleaning cooking helping the kids woth everything. The one they went to when they cried. Or had nightmares or were hurt. Yet I was never enough constantly reminded how much of a burden I was and how I did nothing but cause problems and everything was my fault. She played the good parent if anyone was around pretended to care tried to show everyone that she was perfect and its not her fault for not being able to pay the bills or anything because she was a "single mother" while my dad who didn't live there and barely saw me cause she forced the courts to givw her custody because men never win those cases even if they are obviously the better choice. He paid tens of thousands over the past 15 years to help her with everything. What did she do? Waste it on pills or cigarettes or drinking or a ridiculous amount of soda. Buying as little cheap flavorless food as she could sometimes never enough for us to eat. I had to work at 13 to have money to buy myself and my siblings food. She even had her mom constantly bringing what little food we did have because she wasted all her money. Constantly asking everyone to help her because she needed it and she was the victim and its not her fault. Constantly manipulating everyone while telling them how she does it all with no help and its so hard for her. I never got credit I never got mentioned until they started to see how smart I was with computers and solving problems. The only time anyone ever talked to me was when they needed help with their computers. Besides the constant insults and making fun of me at family get togethers. My siblings always treated as perfect angels that could never do anything wrong. I was told when going to college and through highschool I would never do anything with my life. That I was stupid and useless that I'd just fail out anyway so why bother. I picked game design and again was constantly insulted about my choice and the shitty field how I would stupid I was for being interested in fake bullshit. And then I graduated I got decided to change fields got a 6 figure job at 23 and you know what they fucking said? Oh I bet its fake I bet is some small thing that will die out. Then I name drop salesforce I name drop the company and everyone shut up real quick. I was told how stupid I was for moving away and how I'd fail and meanwhile I'm doing what they couldn't fucking dream of. Yet again she sits here talking about how she can retire and how she helped me do it. She didn't help a single bit and now she says now you can buy your siblings and I a house. Fucking ridiculous she only calls me to talk about herself really she asks how I am but she doesn't really care. None of them cared until they heard I was on a career path straight up. The worst part of my childhood wasnt the physical abuse it was the years after of being treated worthless while doing everything. My siblings treated so much better than I was while I was constantly screamed at and forced to do all the chores. All 3 of them made a huge mess on purpose because they knew she would force me to do almost all of it. I'm so happy to be out but I still just want to die. I'm broken just absolutely destroyed. I've never had affection my first kiss or been on a date. After 23 years of everyone treating you as a burden and insulting you telling you that I could never be loved for the way I am. How can I believe anything different if I'm still treated the same way constantly? How long can I suffer in agony before I leave it all behind. I'm tired and therapy medication exercise all of the things that are supposed to help don't even scratch the hell I'm constantly feeling. I force myself through the days but really I'm just a shell of who I was still unlovable and pathetic as always though I guess thats all I'll ever be.

#mine

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winderrific-moved · 3 years

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parents are a joke

#wind howls #'look im gonna invalidate every single one of your feelings ever and then respond violently to your negative emotions-#but if you even consider not letting me know everything about you i can and WILL throw a fit and demand that you share everything personal-#about your life right this instant so i can make even further fun of you for it and make you feel even worse than the problem itself'#abuse #trauma tornado #im so fucking sick of this shit xoxo #this is why family therapy failed us. when i tried to tell them about me being autistic they made so much fun of me for it #and the therapist said i was 'too social' to be autistic but NOW my mom gets to made ableist jokes at me #when i tell her i might have adhd and she goes 'are you sure youre not autistic lmao' SHUT THE FUCK UP ! IM SO SICK OF YOUR SHIT #ableism #god i wasnt even gonna cry about this shit but im literally so fucking upset right now

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angelictrl · 3 years

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Hi! Can I request some hcs for the brothers + undateables taking care of a gn!MC while they're in hospital? (I'll leave the reason they're in hospital up to you) Thanks!!

DEMON BROS TAKING CARE OF AN MC IN THE HOSPITAL.

ofc !! i'm going to write the undateable ver. and link it here later since this got longer than i thought it would if you don't mind <3

LUCIFER

tries to be there for you but can't stop himself from drowning in his work.

don't get me wrong - he most certainly is attentive to your needs and visits you often - but he still puts all the blame on himself no matter the cause for you being put in the hospital.

this is because it reminds him of when he and his brothers fell.

not only did he have to get accustomed to the devildom, but he had to suffer the loss of his sister, deal with his new demonic form, and raise satan all while being diavolo's righthand man.

so naturally, being the eldest and also the one who started the great celestial war, he always felt at fault for how things turned out; although he'd rather die than say it aloud.

you being put in the hospital makes him feel like he failed you, he failed to save you, failed to protect you, even if he hides it with a poker face and instead drowns in his work.

please - this is one of the only times you'll see a vulnerable luci.

cupping his face tenderly with your hands as he sits by your bedside late at night, he refuses to cry, but definently has a gloomy expression.

he can't lose you too. he cant fail you.

as soon as you're discharged though, he makes sure to keep you by his side more often.

late night office dates, anyone?

he'll hold you close and try to be slightly more affectionate in public.

this whole scenario has reminded him just how mortal you are, and he hates that someone who's just as angelic as you is trapped inside of a fragile and weak body.

MAMMON

clingy asf

probably the first one to find out mc's in the hospital.

he's downright upset at first. normally he's attached to your hip, so the one time he leaves you alone, ya wind up in the hospital? he knew you were too much of a fragile human to be left alone!

he refuses to let anyone near you as you recover - besides the doctors and nurses, of course, but even then he eyeballs them to make sure they're being gentle with you.

he goes on a rant/lecture about how you're just some weak human who needs him by your side and how you shouldn't have gone off on your own, but as soon as you frown or pout while averting your gaze, his whole demeanor flips.

he's just really worried about you.

he's a big tsundere, yes, but he cares so much about you and he's not sure how to convey his emotions as he's never felt this way about anyone before.

"h-hey, i'm not mad at ya. just... i'm your first. no, i don't care if i'm in the middle of a scheme, i'll always make time for ya... so don't go off alone, okay?!"

buys you tons of gifts before and after you've left the hospital

definitely won't leave you alone for the first few weeks of being discharged

really, he's clinging onto you like you have more value than goldie

and truly, he wouldn't admit it, but you do.

LEVIATHAN

probably gets told by one of his brothers since he's hiding out in his room as per usual.

first, he almost summons lotan in anger to get revenge for mc if they got hurt by someone, but whether that is or isn't the case, he soon calms down once he recognizes something.

this is just like the 78th episode of TSL he was watching when the lord of shadows returns the favor to henry for helping him through his familial problems by taking care of him!!

well then. now levi's been inspired to be the best lord of shadows he can for his henry.

oh, and i guess he'll do it anyways because he cares about mc's wellbeing to begin with or wtv... /s

nonetheless, snek boi brings a bunch of games, movies, and mangas to mc as he camps out in their hospital room with them.

you better be prepared to binge watch all of TSL and fall asleep to whatever sounds are coming from his game beside your bed - not that you have much of a choice, anyways.

his brothers probably try to pull him away from you as he's clingy boy #2 and staying up having gaming marathons can't be good for your recovery, so you can bet your little human butt you're going to find yourself staying in levi's room for a couple of days after you've left the hospital.

definently places ruri-chan or any other anime-related stickers on your casts (if you have any) or cheeks to cheer you up.

bonus: he totally tries to sneak in henry 2.0 to keep you company when he can't be there and if he succeeds, he relies on henry to give him reports of your health.

SATAN

pissed if someone else landed you in the hospital. nearly goes on a rampage and his brothers just barely manage to stop him.

probably one of the best people to keep you company once he calms down, though.

definitely visits you at the same hour everyday to bring you books he suggests you read.

if you're not up for reading any, he'll suggest reading them to you, or suggest something else entirely different.

stays overnight a couple times with an audiobook playing in the background or with an open book on his chest.

doesn't mind falling asleep in weird positions anyways considering the way his room is set up.

watches detective dramas late at night when you're asleep like a dork lol

definitely watches cute cat compilations with you if you're feeling down for any particular reason and will stroke your hair to calm you down.

10/10, soft satan is best satan <3

ASMODEUS

probably screams tbh

that can't be good for your skin!! all that stress on top of being sick/hurt is going to make you break out!!

practically dashes to visit you with skin care & beauty products although you're advised not to use them by your doctors atm

asmodeus has never been so salty.

though, he is concerned about your overrall being.

it honestly scares him how much he cares about you. especially in this state because he's never cared so much for anyone else other than his brothers or himself in a long time.

most likely to cry (besides mammon) if you cry since he already has tears stinging his eyes.

he starts neglecting his own nightly routines to stay overnight with you.

if you start to point it out or ask him why he's doing this, he'll just sit there in astonishment processing your words.

you matter so much to him? like, duh, of course he's going to be here, why wouldn't he? he doesn't care about anything else other than you and your recovery right now and-

oh.

you matter... more than him... to him...?

...ya broke him.

when you're asleep, he watches you silently for a change, caressing your cheek delicately with soft eyes focused on your relaxed features.

he gets a strange feeling in his chest - and not like the ones he gets from excitement over his quick hookups - no, no, this one is a foreign feeling. it's, dare he say, euphoric.

BEELZEBUB

just like lucifer, he feels guilty.

he already lost lilith. he can't lose you too.

he probably needs more reassuring that you're going to be okay than you do, honestly.

he plops down onto the couch in your room and intensely stares at your sleeping form as he stress eats.

on a funnier note, he has the nurses doing laps around the hospital bringing him food and he says "it's for mc" to them, but we all know who it's really for.

he's the softest he's ever been with you.

you thought he was a teddy bear before? he's practically made of stuffing by now.

when you're sad, he wants to reassure you, but you look so sickly and frail that he holds you like your glass.

please reassure this behemoth of a man that you're going to be okay, he really loves you and wouldn't forgive himself if he made things worse.

most definitely takes you out to a restaurant to treat you once you've fully recovered.

BELPHEGOR

he already beats himself up over the attic thing, so if anyone had hurt you enough to put you into the hospital, his anger would probably rival the avatar of wrath and they'd go missing.

squeezes himself onto your bed to cuddle you while being mindful of your iv.

if that doesn't work, well, then he just drapes himself over your legs. he's gonna find a way to be with you, and you can't stop him (y'know, unless you flat out tell him or look like you're uncomfortable).

if all else fails, he settles for mushing his cheek against one arm propped against your bedside as his other hand is occupied holding yours.

he's pretty much like one of those therapy cats LMAO

lots n lots of sleepy cuddling. after all, rest is essential for your recovery, right?

when you two can't sleep, you have movie nights bingewatching the worst rated movies and shows in the devildom and the two of you go cinema sins on them.

v clingy after you get discharged and holds you noticeably tighter to his chest.

"stop doing stupid things that could kill you, you idiot."

obey me masterlist. | undateables version.

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harvest-oak · 2 years

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Harms of the split attraction model:

TW: mention of s uic idal ideations.

Disclaimer, this is from my personal experience and has roots in material oppression, which is oppression that can be measured by how much imperialism, capitalism, and/or the patriarchy (AKA, systems of power) profit(s) from the marginalization of oppressed people.

I’ll open this post with a story about myself. When I was 16 years old, I came out to my parents as a lesbian. Immediately, I was shamed for my sexuality. I remember the pain of the moment when I was told “I wish you were never born.” A few months later, I was taken to therapy, where a very nice man was helping me work through my sexuality. At this point, I wanted to stay in the religion that was oppressing me, so my therapist told me about romantic and sexual orientations. He said that love could be so much more than within the confines of my sexuality and encouraged me to find romantic love for men. The religion that I was a part of was incredibly homophobic and transphobic, so I was expected to marry a man and express my gender in a traditional, feminine way. My therapist discussed how I could grow my relationships with women outside of my sexuality, as well as how to find attractive things in men. Things like their laugh, their smiles, and how they could take care of me. I started to feel an inkling of hope, that I didn’t have to lose my family, my friends, my religion, or my sexuality. I could have it all. So, I decided that I would find romantic interest in men.

When I went to college, I decided to start dating men seriously. I met a wonderful man who treated me so well. He was kind, decently attractive, and smart. I loved hanging out with him, since we lived in the same apartment complex. We went to church together and eventually started dating at the end of my freshman year. At the beginning, it was nice, but slowly, seeds of doubt and discouragement started to creep in. Our first kiss was, well, unremarkable. I was so anxious, I felt like I was going to throw up. I was expecting our nice, romantic connection to turn into love, but it didn’t. Still determined to succeed, I kept dating him. The entire time, guilt consumed me, I was living a lie. I was deceiving this poor guy into thinking that I liked him when I was struggling to enjoy holding hands with him. At one point, I had to literally lie to his face when he asked me my sexuality, I told him I was straight. I would cry myself to sleep, wondering when the pain would stop. That year, I took him home to meet my parents when I asked them, “when should I tell him? I don’t want to lie to him, it’s awful, but I need to get married!” They didn’t have an answer for me, “when the time is right.” It felt like I was completely lost. I tried to cling onto him, hoping that we’d be able to make it through, then he broke up with me. I was so lucky that he did. Even though I was heart broken because I was losing the one person who I thought I could get married to and bear it, I was hugely relieved that I wouldn’t have to lie anymore. I got over my 9 month long relationship in less than a day. I got some ice cream, cried, and I was basically all better.

The next year, I tried again and again, failing to find a man. I felt so frustrated, because I wanted to have a romantic relationship so badly, but I was failing every time! Mercifully, the COVID-19 pandemic started, so I was able to take a break from dating for a while. I was happily single for a little over a year, using the pandemic as an excuse to stop dating. It was great, but my sexuality kept gnawing at me. I felt confused. If I was trying my best to follow what God apparently wanted me to do, why was I so unhappy? It felt like my will to live, my energy and my happiness had left me. I was truly miserable. This is when I hit my lowest point. I spent my days in bed, barely surviving. I felt hopeless, like I didn’t have any reason at all to live. So I decided that I either needed to come out fully and leave the church, or I would k il l myself. I had no one I could turn to, my family had made it clear that being a lesbian was unacceptable, plus my friends were also in the same religion and I could never force them to choose between me or the church.

In January of 2021, I realized that I could choose to leave the church, my family and my friends. It was the hardest decision I’ve ever made. I chose to give up everything I was given so I could be a truly happy, authentic, and energetic version of myself. I started dating secretly, with hidden kisses, closed doors, and going out in public as “friends”. The first time I kissed a girl, it was magical, I felt my cheeks burning, those elusive sparks that I had never felt went flying. My hands were in her hair as her arms wrapped around my waist and just for a moment, everything felt perfect. I didn’t feel any fear, nor pain. I only felt peace, joy, and contentment that I had never felt before. Though our public romance was almost forbidden by society, we felt intimacy and connection that was beautiful and whole. I remember driving together, my hand in hers speeding down the freeway, I felt so much elation! It was like I could finally be my whole self, unburdened by the weight of my family’s expectations.

Unfortunately, my family found out and the crushing guilt came back. I was shamed, called a whore and unfaithful. My entire family looked down on me with disdain, because I couldn’t bridle my attractions. However, I had found my wings of freedom and I would not let them go. I chose to leave the church and my family, and I was not going back on that decision.

skip to here if you don’t like reading:

Now, I remember the full story of that nice therapist who told me that I could love men romantically and not sexually. That small lie led to years of pain, humiliation, shame, and grief. That lie from my family, the church, and society has hurt not only me, but countless other people who have been pressured to perform heterosexuality. This lie hurt other members of my extended family, including a gay man who is dear to me. He has lived as a closeted gay man for almost 50 years because he can’t bear the thought of what would happen if he came out, since he married his wife and has children.

Though there are people who find meaning in divorcing their various types of attractions, the truth is that if you can’t find sexual and romantic attraction to a partner, there will be a part of you left unfulfilled, and your partner will inevitably become hurt, disinterested, or callous.

If you still insist on splitting your attractions, please be mindful of people like me. Be mindful of your partners. Be honest with yourself. Is splitting your attractions helping you to understand yourself better, or are you hiding from a more authentic, beautiful version of yourself? Does splitting your attractions allow you to feel love more deeply, or are your hiding your internalized homophobia behind comforting labels?

With much love,

Harvest Oak

#lgbt rights #lgbt discourse #lesbian #split attraction model

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helliontherapscallion · 3 years

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Heya. I know that requests are closed and I totally respect if you ignore this because of that. Two hours ago my dog had a seizure and my mom and I are currently in the parking lot of the emergency vet waiting for an update. I’m normally “the rock” for my family (if that makes sense) when shit hits the fan, so I feel like I need to hide my panic so my mom doesn’t worry more. I claimed to need to use the restroom (there’s those portable bathrooms outside) but I’m actually just having a panic attack on a stairway nearby. Most of my friends are asleep or offline right now so I don’t have anyone to help ground me. I know my mom would, but she’s already dealing with enough. Your writing has never failed to calm me down or cheer me up, so I was wondering if you could maybe make headcannons or something about how texts or a quick phone call with the SBI would go and how they would help a teen friend who’s going through this situation.

I don’t want you to feel pressured to do this because of guilt or anything of the sort. I understand that requests are closed, but I thought it was worth shooting my shot. So it’s completely okay if you ignore this.

(A/N): I wrote this as fast as I could, so there might be a few mistakes here and there. I really hope your dog gets better soon and nothing major is wrong with them, I’ll keep you guys in my thoughts. If you wanna talk about it, my DMs are always open love <3

Warnings: mentions of dog seizures, vets, panic attacks

Your pleasant day had gone so wrong so fast

You had a blast hanging out with your neighbor and childhood friend Techno and his brothers

You spent most of the day at the park hanging out and generally goofing around

That was until you received a phone call from your mother

She was in a panic telling you to come home, telling you that there was something wrong with your dog

You quickly excused yourself by telling them that your mom wanted you home as soon as possible suddenly and ran home in tears when you were out of their line of sight

When you were running you could feel yourself being filled with dread

Your chest felt tight as you fought off a panic attack, you needed to be strong for your mom

You were her rock

It was only natural to comfort her, she helped you so much with your anxiety and panic attacks even when facing her own troubles and stress

So you did your best to stifle your panic

When you got home, you could hear the loud sobbing of your mother, the faint sound of heavy breathing, and rustling

The sight in the living room broke your heart

Your beloved pet was on the floor having a violent seizure while your mother was looking on in horror

You quickly took action, moving the stuff around the dog away from it

The only thing you could do was wait it out, so you made quick work of comforting your mother

After the seizure, your dog was looking around confusedly and whining slightly

He seemed very tired

Doing some research, you found out that it was best to let the dog rest after such a seizure because it takes a lot of energy out of it

The nearest emergency vet was about ten minutes away so you picked up your dog and escorted your mom to the car

You drove to the vet, your mom was too distraught to drive

The vet immediately took him in and got to work, leaving you and your mom in the car waiting for an update on the pooch

She had calmed down for the most part, but you could still feel the panic brewing in your chest threatening you with a full blown panic attack

You held it off so you could be strong for your mother, but you were spiraling and fast

When it got to the point where you couldn’t hold it back anymore, you quickly excused yourself to the portable bathrooms

You ducked into an abandoned staircase and the panic attack quickly reared its ugly head

Your breaths came out in short hyperventilations, your chest feeling like an elephant was sat on it

You couldn’t breathe

When it got to the point where you were dry heaving, you knew that this one wasn’t one that you could calm yourself down from

You had to call someone

Your mom was immediately out of question, even if she would gladly help you

In your point of view, she had enough to worry about

Your best bet would be to call Techno

You had extreme difficulty finding his contact because your vision was tunneled and blurred and your hands were shaking, but you eventually found it

He and his brothers should still be at the park

You felt guilty for calling, but you knew you needed help and Techno and his brothers were your best bet

“Hey (y/n), uh is everything alright with your mom? You left in a hurry.” Techno saw his twin and Tommy look at him in question. He wove them off.

He was only met with heavy breathing and sobbing from your end, which worried him to no end. He knew damn well about your anxiety and panic attacks, in fact he was the one that encouraged you to open up to your mom about it and ask her for therapy sessions. He’s calmed you down from enough panic attacks to know exactly what to do to help you.

“Hey you’re alright,” he cooed to you in a soft voice, “take deep breaths. Where are you?” His brothers looked at him in alarm. They also knew about your panic attacks as you were basically like another sibling to them. Wilbur grabbed the car keys and the three made a dash towards the family car.

“Techno…” Your breathless and strained whimper on the other end made his heart break for you. “Where are you?”

When you told him that you were at the nearby emergency vet, he could feel his heart sink. Your dog was growing older and older and his health was declining. That dog was with you two through thick and thin when your family got him in middle school. You were seniors in high school now, so that dog was old for his breed.

“We’re on our way, just hang on tight buddy. What’re five things you can see?”

After you got through the 5-4-3-2-1 technique, you still were in the midst of an intense panic attack and it worried Techno to no end. Usually you would be calmed down by now. Luckily, they arrived at the vet and quickly found a parking space.

You could hear running coming towards you and looked up to see the brothers running towards you. Techno kneeled next to you and attempted to give you a smile, “we’re here. Is it okay for me to touch you?” At your nod, he grabbed your hand and put it on his chest. “Breathe with me, okay? Do you think you can do that for me?” You didn’t respond to him. Your hazy eyes darted to his face when he gently called your name and asked you again. You nodded making him smile at you, “good, we’re gonna do the 4-7-8 breathing technique,” he told you softly, “do you remember that? You breathe in through your nose for four seconds, hold it for seven, and exhale slowly through your mouth for eight. I’ll do it with you,” he took in a deep breath through his nose and you tried to follow suit but failed. Your breathing was just too erratic.

“Tech, I-I can’t. I…”

“Hey you can do this, I know you can. Let’s try again, it takes time to even out breathing.” He said something to his brothers you couldn’t hear and they ran off. “Deep breath in,” he breathed in and you tried to follow him, “hold,” you held in the breath for about two seconds, “and out,” the breath ripped itself from your lungs. “You’re doing so good, I’m proud of you (y/n).”

The breathing continued for a bit with you getting nowhere before you heard the boys return. They had a couple of ice cold water bottles in their hands. Techno let go of your hand and grabbed one of them. He turned to you with an encouraging smile, “okay, we’re gonna try something new. I’m gonna have you touch this, is that alright?”

You reached out with a shaky hand to touch the plastic and jolted slightly at the temperature, a gasp ripping itself from your lungs and your eyes focusing slightly better than before. “I’m gonna run this up and down your arms, focus on the feeling of the temperature and the feeling.” As he ran the bottle down your arms, you could feel your heart rate drop at the temperature and your heated skin cooling down. Your breathing eventually evens itself out leaving you panting and shakily reaching up to wipe at your tears.

“Are you good now?” You nodded and leaned against the brick wall tiredly. An open water bottle was put into your hands. You drank it and relished in the feeling of the ice cold drink slithering down your throat. It even heightened your senses.

Wilbur sat on your other side and slung an arm over your shoulders, giving you a side hug. Tommy sat across from you while Techno sat on your other side holding your hand, lazily rubbing his thumb over your knuckles.

“Do you wanna talk about what caused this?” You nodded and told the three everything that happened today and why you were at an emergency vet.

After you finished telling them, Wilbur turned to give you a full hug. Your face was against his chest, faintly you noted that he smelled like grass with hints of earth. “He’s gonna be alright. He’s a fighter, do you remember when he ate that bee?” You nodded, remembering that even if he was swollen, his tail was still wagging and he was as happy as he could be. He recovered quickly from that, never once losing his excited and loving personality. You thought about how even in the car he was licking away your mother’s tears and nuzzling into your hand even though he was exhausted.

“That dog has lived through so much health shit,” Tommy chimed in, “a seizure isn’t gonna take him out anytime soon.”

They stayed there for a while with you giving you reassurances and reminiscing on stories of him until you felt better

Eventually you had to go back to the car to wait with your mother, so they left to go to their house

Your dog was returned to you and your mom with the instruction to give him some medicine and come back for further examination

They didn’t find the cause for the seizure, which bothered you but relieved you that he was alright

When you got home, it was late at night and you honestly felt so drained

The next day, your dog was still slightly tired but he was slowly returning to his playful nature as the day progressed

When you were laying in the grass in the backyard with him reading a book, you saw Techno poke his head over the fence and smile at you. “Hey, how’s (dog name)?”

You ran your fingers through his fur as he slept peacefully, “he’s doing better. The vet still doesn’t know what’s going on with him, but he’s still himself.”

“We’re having some cookies and lemonade over here, do you wanna come over? (Dog name) can come too.”

“You’re more than welcome, (y/n)!” You could hear Philza’s voice chime out from their backyard. You got up and (dog name) followed you into their backyard slowly. They were sitting at the picnic table that was there since you and Techno were kids. The paint had long since chipped and faded with each year that passed. Tommy loudly cheered while Wilbur and Philza gave you gentle smiles as you walked next to Technoblade.

You sat next to Techno and a glass of lemonade was placed in front of you. (Dog name) laid at your feet and resumed his nap. You grabbed a cookie and took a bite, humming at the taste of your favorite flavor dancing across your tongue.

Being with the family was something that always made your worries fade away into nothingness and get replaced by lighthearted and refreshing happiness. You spent most of the day laughing with the family and petting your sleeping dog. Everything was going to be okay with them.

#sbi x reader #sleepy bois x reader #sleepy bois inc x reader #philza x reader #technoblade x reader #wilbur soot x reader #tommyinnit x reader #mcyt x reader #dream smp x reader #requests #hellion's requests #tw: swearing #tw: panic attack #tw: animal injury #tw: anxiety #tw: seizure

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musicfeedsmysoul12 · 3 years

Note

fic title: the girl with flowers in her bones

Izumi learns she has a Quirk age six when the weird bump on her shoulder is inspected by a doctor who cuts it open to reveal a pretty flower.

Said flower quickly changed and becomes deadly, nearly killing a nurse before it’s destroyed.

No one knows how it got there but now people know about it. At first Izumi is happy. She has a Quirk.

Then she isn’t.

“It’s a useless Quirk!” Kacchan taunts her. “Perfect for a useless girl like you! Flowers under the skin! Pathetic!”

Kacchan burns her shoulder and she goes home crying.

Later a flower develops where she’s been burned and after some quiet conversation with Inko about how her husband had left because of Izumi’s Quirkless status and Izumi had heard it, they figured it out.

The flowers bloom when someone hurts her. They bloom and the doctors do a scan revealing many more flowers all over her- some were small and no one could see them. Little hurts the doctors theorized.

They still had to be removed. Izumi has been getting slower, becoming more exhausted each day. It’s the flowers.

Izumi numbly lets it happen.

But it happens again. And again.

Flowers bloom because people keep hurting her. They turn deadly when exposed to the air.

“Freak, monster, liar-“ it’s all shouted at her by her class. Kacchan leads the charge.

His flowers are always an orange lily. Hatred.

Izumi wonders if it means him or her who hates the other. When it becomes a sweet pea, she has a feeling she knows why she is receiving a goodbye.

She stops growing flowers for him. Because she knows she will only get pain from him, because he is no longer one she believes to be a friend.

“The flowers are signs of betrayal,” she changes the classification. “I can only be hurt by those I do not think would hurt me, those I trust. Once I stop trusting or believing they will not hurt me the flowers stop.”

Her mother sobs upon hearing it. Inko then goes and terrifies the Bakugou family, promising that unless Kacchan leaves her alone Inko would go after them.

Kacchan doesn’t listen.

So Inko slaps them with a lawsuit she wins. It’s enough for Izumi to go to a new school where she sits quietly and doesn’t talk.

There people whisper still but it’s sad whispers.

“Her Quirk hurts her.”

“No, it’s people hurting her which sets off her Quirk.”

“She’s so quiet.”

Izumi just works. The only one she trusts is her mother. Inko who tries so hard not to hurt her, who is honest and open. Who gives her books on flowers and smiles.

When Inko hurts Izumi she leaves violets and lavender. And they’re always small, so small. Small hurts, being too honest with her daughter.

Izumi loves her mother for it.

Izumi grows and soon she finds herself applying for UA. She wants to be a hero and her mother frets and admits she isn’t sure if Izumi can do but the two have researched and researched and well, they think they can figure a way out. Sports festival- she just needs to beat all the other students.

She thinks she can. The money they won from the lawsuit had helped Izumi not only get into a new school but also got her into a martial arts studio. Her mother insisted.

Probably was upset with how many flowers Izumi grew from cuts and burns and bruises. Those were the bigger ones, when they were left on purpose. They pushed against the skin, looked strange.

Funny, Izumi noticed that she didn’t gain flowers sparring.

“It’s probably based on intention. When you gain flowers from bruises or cuts and they’re from people doing it to hurt you and betray you, they come as flowers. But when it’s done as a fight or a spar it’s on purpose still but it’s not a betrayal of yourself.” Her Quirk therapist theorizes.

It makes sense.

Izumi goes to UA after failing the entrance exam and ends up in 1C where she finds herself meeting a boy who is like her. Sharp and broken and hurt.

Shinsou is a friend and she finds herself chuckling at his comments.

Their friendship only blooms truly though when she meets Kacchan again. He sees her and attacks, screaming. She fights back. Shinsou speaks and stops Kacchan and Izumi looks at him, seeing something similar back.

The situation ends with Izumi in the principal’s office telling her story. She looks him in the eyes tiredly.

Kacchan is removed from UA- apparently, the lawsuit hadn’t been included in his application.

“It was when he was ten!” His mother tries.

“It still happened and you lied,” Nezu tells her. Izumi isn’t supposed to be there but she went to the office to pick up some papers.

She thinks her homeroom teacher arranged it.

“The papers are supposed to show us if we need to watch out students for anything. You lied on the application.”

Izumi doesn’t know what to think as she slides away. She hasn’t seen Kacchan in years. Hasn’t spoken to him.

Yet he still tried to attack her. He hasn’t learned anything.

Izumi has left him behind. The pain he caused ended any relationship between them.

He is a child. He can learn, if he wishes.

She feels as if she is choking when she runs into someone.

“Ah,” the person says and she blinks at a girl with red and white hair. It’s long and in a braid as she stares at Izumi. There’s a burn scar on her face and as Izumi looks into her eyes she sees the same sort of pain Izumi has.

The girl nods and leaves and Izumi stares after her in confusion.

Then she has to head to class and Shinsou and it’s a mess.

A flower blooms under her cheek as she speaks and she wonders if it’s from the shock someone attacked her at UA or it’s because she always hoped Kacchan would change the longer she left him.

“It’s not the same.” She tells Shinsou. “I was in hell until I was ten and then just isolated after.”

“It’s close,” Shinsou tells her. He touches her cheek and she closes her eyes. “It’s growing?”

“Yeah. It used to be orange lilies. It might be the same now.”

It is. It’s removed by Recovery Girl and Izumi breathes and doesn’t try to think.

She doesn’t know what to think about anything.

She thinks in a way that expelling him was to much. She understands that they lied, that they removed the evidence of the trial. But did they truly know that it counted?

Kacchan is a child and needs to learn things.

At the same time, he tried to attack her.

Her mind feels muddled and confused and Shinsou tries to help but it’s different for him. His bullies were cruel and never stopped and yet he never expected it either to stop.

You can only be betrayed by a friend.

He tries but they fight and eventually he yells that she’s worthless if she wishes to let a boy who hurts her back into UA.

She flinches and he does too.

Shinsou reaches for her but she leaves, feeling sick.

Izumi wanders UA campus after that- a week after the Kacchan incident- a week after the USJ got invaded. With Kacchan in the office the class hadn’t gone to USJ, something all of them expresses relief about.

Izumi wanders and then runs into the red and white girl again. She’s training in the gym that all students are allowed to Izumi wandered to it out of habit. Usually she and Shinsou train- Shinsou finally accepting that he needs to train his body.

He’s not with her though, and she feels her shoulder ache.

Shinsou didn’t mean it, he was angry and didn’t understand. Izumi gets it.

But it still was a hurt.

“... are you okay?” The girl asks and Izumi blinks, realizing she’s been standing in the gym staring off into space.

“I’m fine.” She says. “I got into a fight with my friend.” The girl looks at her and Izumi sighs.

“My Quirk lets me know when I’ve been hurt,” Izumi explains. “The hurts become flowers under my skin. Ever hurt, physical, emotional, mental, minor or major.” Izumi sighs.

“... you were the one Bakugou attacked, the reason we did not go to the USJ.,” The girl says calmly.

“We were friends once. He hurt me badly, and we stopped. He tried again, my mom sued him and his family and they didn’t put the trial in his transcripts. So he’s been expelled and I just… I feel bad for him. He’s hurt me but I cared for him once and is it fair that he was a child when this happened and he’s still himself a child?” Izumi sighs. “Sorry. I-“

“I have similar feelings to my brother and mother.” The girl offers. Her face is slightly blank. She looks at Izumi, cocking her head slightly. “My father is not a nice man and he’s only stopped hurting us due to blackmail my eldest brother has given. I’m under the custody of my second eldest brother. My other siblings were deemed unsuited and my mother is in a mental health institute.”

“Oh!” Izumi blinks. “You didn’t-“

“You told me.” The girl shrugs. “I’m Todoroki Shouto.”

“Midoriya Izumi.”

It’s the start of something.

From the hurt Shinsou dealt jasmine is dug from Izumi’s skin and he apologizes over and over again. She tells him it’s not okay but she understands he didn’t truly mean it.

It makes her sad still.

She and Todoroki meet from time to time in the gym, speaking. Sometimes Shinsou joins them, sometimes not. He wishes to keep his Quirk private, wishing to get into the hero course like Izumi wishes.

Todoroki is kind, Izumi finds. She’s standoffish and blunt but she’s kind.

Her story is a sad one, told over gym meetings. Her father is Endeavour and he wished to overcome All Might. He had children to force it, and the abuse he placed his family through broke her mother.

Todoroki loves her mother. She loves her dearly but cannot face her.

“I used to blame myself, thinking it might be my fault she burned me. Natsuo, my brother, he got me into therapy and I’ve learned it wasn’t. I was a child, it was not on me. And yet my mother is ill.” Todoroki explains. “I care deeply for her but… I can’t face her right now. Because I have learned it is not my fault what she did and I have to adjust.”

Her brother, her eldest brother Touya, is a different story.

“He blamed me for the abuse. Said it was all my fault, hated the fact I was a girl too. Kept going on I was a screw-up, that I was disgusting. He’s in therapy to now but… I don’t talk to him. Ever if I can help it. Natsuo says he’s getting better but he won’t make me do anything. My sister keeps trying to get us to forgive our dad. We don’t want to.” Todoroki tells her. “It’s a mess.”

Todoroki doesn’t know what to do herself. Her brother was young when he became angry, and her mother ill. Neither were fully at fault, and yet she struggles.

It’s nice to talk to someone who understands.

Their friendship grows and Izumi wonders why it feels different then from her and Shinsou.

Yet as she watches Todoroki smile, she thinks she knows.

At the sports festival, Izumi and Shinsou manage to get to the tournament. They manage to claw their way to the semi-finals, determining who will go on to compete for first.

Shinsou insults her, curses her. And then he confesses.

Izumi keeps her mouth shut and shoved him out, even as she feels the flowers begin to bloom.

She does tell him she doesn’t feel the same.

“I know,” Shinsou tells her. “It’s Todoroki. You two smile all the time around each other, you laugh and have fun.” He shrugs sadly. “I just wanted to be honest.

Izumi accepts it, and later she finds the flowers to be yellow tulips.

One-sided love.

Yet first comes the finals, where Izumi screams at Todoroki to use her fire, even as the girl refuses to use it.

“I won’t use his power!” She yells.

“It’s not his! It’s yours!” Izumi cries back.

It’s chaos and destruction and in the end, Izumi has a silver medal.

And she has a smile she treasures.

It’s not love, not yet. But it has a chance to be.

A chance they cultivate, a chance they find becoming stronger and stronger as time goes on. As she and Shinsou enter the hero course, as she fights to protect a boy she barely knows on the streets of Hosu, protecting her hero mentor as well.

It’s a chance she takes, kissing Todoroki after the final exams. Todoroki accidentally burns her in shock and feels horrible.

Izumi treasures the fact a red rose blooms under her skin.

#bnha #bnha au #fic title ask game #lesbian izuku #they're lesbians #tododeku #anti bakugou

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thunderheadfred · 3 years

Text

❄️Todoroki HC's🔥

Aged-up pro hero Shouto. NSFW under the cut. Minors do not interact.

- - -

General

Might as well be tied with Bakugou for the #1 pro hero spot; they seem to pass the crown back and forth every other year. Everyone knows about their intense frenemies uber-rivalry. Well. Everyone but Shouto.

He's asked to speak at a lot of charity events. If he has time to prepare (and hire a speech writer) he is capable of stirring crowds to standing ovations. But if caught unawares... he gets cornered into hilarious on-the-spot interviews. He's been memed. Mercilessly.

He's an OP character, but unfortunately he rolled -500 in fashion sense. Eventually he wises up and hires a stylist. When he finally cuts his hair a slightly different and even more flattering way, it's a national event. People faint in the street.

Does god-awful sleight-of-hand magic tricks when he meets young fans, even though nobody asked him to. The second-hand embarrassment is palpable. But he keeps doing it. God, why does he keep doing it?

Has hovering arm syndrome in every fan photo.

Super into pop music. Not a fan of any particular group or artist, couldn't tell you the name of a single song. But every time he turns up the volume on the radio it's like... really? THIS? Probably pumps that shit through his hero agency to keep up morale. Has no idea what you mean when you tell him his music taste doesn't match his personality.

Similarly, he enjoys brainless romantic comedies and old silent movies. Doesn't laugh at jokes but loses it over physical comedy. Thinks Buster Keaton and Harold Lloyd are the funniest people who ever walked the earth.

He's long and limber. Runs practically a hundred miles every day just to "relax." Doesn't even get sweaty doing it. A filthy yoga addict. He'll probably live to be 200 years old.

He can regulate his body temperature for quirk use but in everyday life he's always half a degree outside the Goldilocks zone. It drives him quietly insane; he has an epic love-hate relationship with his thermostat.

Has a therapy animal pet. Doesn't matter if it's a dog or a cat or a bird or an iguana or a teeny tiny rodent. It's the best-behaved animal in the country and speaks more languages than you. It has its own room and an instagram account with millions of followers.

Lives in a traditional Japanese estate that doubles as a national treasure. Probably has government-appointed snipers at the gate, and he's just like, "don't worry about it." You are afraid to touch anything. Fuck, don't even look at anything, just to be safe.

Has an outstanding personal chef who only gets to cook five things unless (thank fuck!!) company comes over. Impossibly picky eater. He rotates between a few "safe" foods and suspiciously side-eyes everything else. If you cook something unfamiliar for him it will be the most awkward meal of your life, because he'd never tell you he doesn't like it. But oh lord, just look at his face.

This clashes directly with his love of traveling. Frequently uses his hero earnings to visit exotic foreign locales over long weekends... but rarely tries the food.

- - -

Dating

A grey-ace demisexual disaster. You could count the number of people he's been attracted to on one hand. He falls madly in love every time and always gets his heart smashed to pieces when his crush can't magically intuit the meaning of his frigid longing glances and generically courteous romantic gestures.

Which is stupid, because he gets propositioned constantly. He can't walk out the door without being flirted with. People keep slipping him their phone numbers and he always directs them to his agency like a moron. It's a good thing he will never understand how attractive he is because that's the only thing keeping him from total world domination.

Conventional attractiveness does not compute. Shouto doesn't have a type, doesn't care that he's an eleven whilst you are merely mortal. He will fall for your personality above all else.

Probably falls head over heels because your schedules overlap in a completely ordinary way and he witnesses you doing something endearing or brave or most likely: utterly mundane.

Pick a favorite, because you're his favorite coworker, or his favorite barista, or his favorite random bystander in line at the grocery store. You made him smile once; then he spent the next three months daydreaming about your future together before you accidentally stomped on his foot, initiating your first real conversation.

He's big on healthy communication. HUGE. He goes to therapy and it shows. Will talk through literally everything to the point of delirium. Sometimes his dedication to resolving every issue right away can get overwhelming; sometimes you just need some frickin time alone. But it pays off, because the two of you have practically never have a "real fight." There's just no way for bad vibes to fester.

STILL, his family wasn't exactly... erm... verbally or emotionally supportive, shall we say. For that reason, he might not give you all the compliments you deserve, because it simply doesn't occur to him to do so. He assumes you know how he feels. If you're self-conscious or insecure in the relationship, it might take him a while to notice. But when he figures it out (or even better, when you tell him directly) he will make it up to you with enthusiasm.

Will take you on lavish dates. Spoils you rotten without actually intending to. He's clueless about money. If you wanted a sugar daddy, you just hit the fucking jackpot. But if the word valet makes you uncomfortable, perhaps suggest some romantic picnics instead. He can still go all out with the food and five-star location without making you see cartoon dollar signs.

Chronic Insomniac. Stays up too late watching YouTube every night. His viewing history is an incomprehensible blur of k-pop music videos, serial killer icebergs, and super girly crafty ASMR channels. When he's watching a video, he is unreachable. Please call back later and try again.

He's disgustingly cute when he sleeps. Doesn't snore, but drools. Sometimes the drool freezes and leaves frost trails on his face in the morning. Still sleeps with the giant stuffed cat pillow that his mother gave him when he was like, zero. He'll inadvertently suffocate you with it, and you will welcome death with open arms because awwwwww!!!!!

The first time he tells you he loves you will be after your traditional Japanese shinto wedding. You won't hear it again until you start a family. Honestly, it's a good thing he doesn't say it often and is always holding you when it happens. It's a knee-buckler.

- - -

Icy-Hot

I don't even need to say it. Shouto is as old-fashioned as they come. You will never open another door or pull out another chair for yourself as long as you live. He will ask before he holds your hand. He will ask before he kisses you. He will stop and check in if you so much as breathe funny during sex.

If you don't orgasm at exactly the same time while staring into one another's eyes, he'll consider himself a failed lover. God forbid you want him to pound you into the futon... cause you are going to have to present that scenario to him in writing first.

Physical intimacy rarely leads to sex. He loves cuddling, craves physical affection. He'll sprawl all over you and turn into goo while you hold him close. He's an amazing, astounding, phenomenally good kisser. And that's... nice and all... but sometimes you have to grab his face and say, "Shouto, I'm horny," before he's like so that's why you're currently dry-humping me?

Even if he isn't technically a virgin the first time (or the millionth time) you sleep together, you won't know the difference. He's a blushing violet. Every. Fucking. Time. This doesn't mean he's a bad lay, oh no. But there's always ten minutes of confused bumbling before he hits his stride and remembers oh yeah, I DO know how to fuck good.

Absolutely silent during sex. Focused. Intense. Sometimes you have to push him a little to make any kind of noise at all, just so you know you're pleasing him (oh don't worry, you are).

His cock is Just Right. Not to big or too small. Perfectly proportioned and symmetrical. Somehow pretty. Like a fucking factory prototype. It truly is not fair.

Gets handsy and restless at night, even if you both have work the next day. Seems to crave sex at three in the morning. You've given him more than one exhausted handjob.

Gets offended if you don't cum. Will go down on you for hours. Of course he uses his quirk to tease you. He doesn't typically use it during actual intercourse, but he's all about foreplay, and he'll use every tool in his arsenal.

His sex drive is completely fucking unpredictable. Sometimes he's all over you, other times he's an icy slab. His line of work leaves him busy and stressed on a near-constant basis, so you can't entirely blame his personality for this one. Just give him some time and help him take care of his basic needs. He'll come back around soon enough.

#todoroki shouto #todoroki x you #todoroki x reader #todoroki x y/n #gender neutral reader #todoroki headcanons #bnha headcanons #mha headcanons #smut #fred writes #bnha #mha

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reidology · 3 years

Text

Dying in a bathtub - Hotchreid

Summary: Hotch gets nightmares and hides in the tub, so Spencer makes it comfy for him <3

Word count: 4.4k

Content warning: discussion and description of nightmares, smut, brief description of physical abuse, light angst, quite fluffy, happy ending <3

AO3

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The first time it happened Spencer woke up shivering, the cold of a missing body beside him seeped through the sheets chilled his bones. He braved a lazy glance to his bedside, squinting to see the alarm clock blinking big and aggressive red numbers. 05:25. Aaron must have gone out for a morning run, something Spencer never understood. In fact, his reasoning of ‘why run, when sleep?’ whenever Aaron attempted to get him to join always earned him an affectionate eye roll and kiss on the cheek, so why would he ever give that up? No promise of endless coffee can get Spencer Reid to wake up before 7am, much less for exercise.

Reluctantly the sleepy man made his way to the bathroom, knowing he might as well shower and get ready for work now, there’s no way he could get back to sleep without his human furnace of a boyfriend covering him completely. Only, through his grogginess he failed to notice the boyfriend-shaped body softly snoring in the tub.

So he padded over to the semi-closed shower curtain and blearily reached in to turn the water on for it to heat up while he got ready.

Almost as soon as the water turned on, a high-pitched shriek assaulted the young agent’s eardrums. Spencer did what, in his opinion, any caught-off-guard fully trained FBI agent would do— he squealed in shock and fell back on his ass. A moment later the shower curtain pulled back, revealing a very irritated -and very wet- Aaron Hotchner.

“Babe what the fuck,” the older man whined, wringing out his shirt and turning the freezing water off, “I was sleeping!”

“Oh this is my fault?!”

“Yes! Couldn’t you see me?!”

“I just woke up!”

“Me too!” Aaron pointed to his wet shirt as if to say you have no excuse for this.

Spencer let out a frustrated sigh and pushed himself up from the floor. Somehow he upset his boyfriend, he guesses apologies are on the table. He carefully stepped into the bathtub to face his dripping boyfriend and wrapped his arms around the soaking man’s neck, “I’m sorry,” he pouted quite prettily, “But honey, why were you sleeping in the tub?”

“I didn’t sleep in the tub. I went to sleep in our bed, then you woke me up in the tub.” Aaron grumbled.

Spencer thought Aaron looked positively insane. His eyes focused on the older man’s pupils as his hands checked for a fever.

“Do you have a concussion?” He couldn’t help but fret about the man who is usually so well put together. He was obviously in distress though what kind of distress completely eluded the dry man. Aaron waved Spencer’s worried hands away from his face, “No. Spence, I’m telling you, I didn’t sleep in the bathtub.”

“Then how did you get here?”

Aaron shrugged and swatted Spencer’s nosy hands away that were trying to inspect the grumpy man for any injuries, “Who knows? Let’s get some breakfast.” He calmly stepped out of the tub and headed out, leaving Spencer confused (for once).

“... But it’s 5 am.”

_____

Two nights later, it happened again. But this time Spencer awoke to the sound of sobbing. His heart just about broke in two at the sight of Aaron curled in on himself in the porcelain tub, shaking and covered in sweat.

The Unit Chief used to have terrors most nights. After Foyet, all of life’s problems seemed to unravel in his dreams. The sounds and images were so vivid that upon waking up he believed he had done what he’d dreamed. That he’d hurt his family or that Foyet had come back to finish the job.

During hard cases, Aaron would forgo sleep completely, knowing his mind would only haunt him with terror beyond his conscious capabilities. It left him exhausted and agitated for the rest of the investigation. The team and LEOs got frustrated but none had the guts to confront him, except for one young agent who took special notice of his boss.

So Spencer stepped in, and after weeks of getting closer and learning more about each other than they had in the past five years of working together, Aaron digressed and accepted the help that was offered. The following three months ensued so smoothly, the therapy was helping and Aaron couldn’t believe he was sleeping full nights again. He knew it was all thanks to Spencer, who had taken up a very special place in his heart. Aaron knew that Spencer would always be there when he woke up, like an anchor. Something real to hold on to and keep him in place.

It had been a while since Aaron had such a bad episode, luckily Spencer knew just what to do and jumped right into action. Without missing a beat, the younger man climbed into the tub and sat by Aaron’s head, taking hold of one of his white-knuckled fists and gently coaxing it open by rubbing his thumbs from the palm to the back of the hand. Constant pressure, soothing, real. With one hand he threaded his fingers through the brunette’s damp hair, stroking softly at his scalp, willing his nightmare mind to latch onto the familiar touch.

“It’s okay, you’re safe.” He murmured sweetly like a mantra.

Eventually Aaron’s panicked sobs dissolved into pained whimpers, his body lost some of its tension, allowing for Spencer to gently lift his boyfriend’s head into his lap and off the hard floor of the tub. The whimpers died down to light trembles and Spencer shushed him comfortingly, continuing to sooth him with gentle strokes to his head. Slowly Aaron’s eyes opened and Spencer felt the moment panic set in. The taller man’s breathing quickened and tension returned to his body, frozen in fear. God, Spencer should have turned the lights on.

“It’s just me, darling. You’re home, Aaron. This is home. You’re safe.”

Aaron trembled more, his eyes glazed over as if reliving the nightmare, “Shhh you’re safe.”

Spencer placed a feathery kiss on his boyfriend’s forehead that seemed to anchor him immediately. Tentatively, Aaron looked up at his rescuer, relieved to be in his lover's arms and away from the nightmare universe that had felt so real. He burrowed further into Spencer’s lap, wrapped his shaking arms around his boyfriend’s steady hips. He tried to focus on Spencer’s heartbeat in an attempt to regulate his own. Spencer was warm, Spencer was safe. Always safe.

“Foyet?” Spencer asked cautiously, breath fanning over the older’s forehead. Aaron stilled at the name then nodded. The younger man knows that Aaron needs to talk about it immediately, even if it’s terrifying. It allows him to discern dreams from reality, so that the events and sensations of the night terror don’t ingrain themselves into the man’s memories of reality .

“... and Scratch,” Aaron gulped, “They had Jack. I couldn’t... I didn’t know what was real. Couldn’t tell if it was really Jack. He made me hurt him. Oh god, Spence… I hurt him.” Sobs wracked the pained man’s body once again, unable to forget the horror of the dream. Spencer rocked them back and forth.

“Shh… Jack is fine, he’s at Jess’s. You would never hurt him, Aaron.”

Aaron was spent, he couldn’t muster up the energy to talk. He fell asleep once more in his partner’s comforting hold.

_____

The next morning they woke up with aching muscles from being in the bathtub for so long. Spencer couldn’t help but be worried about his boyfriend. There was definitely something going on, and though he respected Aaron’s privacy immensely, he was afraid of the older man getting into a dangerous situation. Was he sleepwalking to the bathroom? What if he tripped and hit his head on the edge of the tub? But most importantly, why were Aaron’s nightmares leading him to the bathtub?

Spencer nuzzled Aaron’s neck in an effort to wake him up a bit more. “Darling, we need to talk about this.” The worry in Spencer’s voice was audible and prompted Aaron to sit up and sigh deeply. He didn’t think this part of his life would ever come back up to the surface, he’d avoided thinking about it for decades and he didn’t know what triggered the habit to resurface. But now it’s affected Spencer, and he knew he couldn’t keep the love of his life in the dark, but some things were so hard to talk about.

Aaron found himself panicking again, flashes of Foyet and his father clouding his mind once more. Images of Sean taking cover in Aaron’s arms while their father pounds on the bathroom door-

“I know. I-” He was cut off with the sweetest kiss.

“You can take your time sweetheart. No rush.”

Even at this stage in their relationship, Aaron wasn’t used to being treated so well. The kindness that naturally radiated off his boyfriend was enough to make his insides melt, the understanding words never ceased to choke him up. But he knew Spencer would be there to put him back together once he gave him all his pieces. He buried his face in the younger’s neck, breathing in the scent of his shampoo, relaxing into his hold. Spencer wrapped his arms around Aaron’s lean form, offering a safe space. Aaron had never been this vulnerable with anyone before his relationship with Spencer.

After a moment of just holding each other, Aaron’s breathing mellowed out and his voice cracked as he explained everything.

“After Sean was born, my dad started drinking. He’d always been somewhat aggressive, scary even. He- he’d get angry and take it out on my mom… and if she wasn’t there... But when he started drinking it got a thousand times worse. I vowed to myself to protect Sean at all costs, I promised him I would never let our dad get to him. So I took the brunt of it when he was sober. But when he was drunk… he would chase us, try to get to Sean specifically. He was just a little kid 5 or 6, I was 15. He would scour the house to find Sean so I took him and locked us in the only room in the house with a lock… the bathroom. I’d carry Sean in my arms and make a run for it. I blocked off the door with a cabinet and we sat in the tub until he passed out.. My dad couldn’t get in but he would pound on the door so loudly, his voice was so angry-”

Aaron inhaled hard, the grip on the back of Spencer’s shirt tightened and his breathing shallowed. Spencer continued rubbing soothing circles on his back, allowing Aaron to take his time.

“The bathtub was the only safe space for Sean and I. We spent whole nights in there, waiting for my dad to pass out. Sometimes we’d tell stories, play games, but other times we cried and I covered his ears with my hands, not wanting him to hear the horrible things our dad was saying. This went on until I went to college, I tried to take Sean with me but my mother wouldn’t allow it. My dad died a year later, when Sean was 9.

“I- because of that, if any of us had nightmares we’d go into the bathroom and sleep in the tub, because no one could get to us in there.”

Aaron swallowed thickly and timidly looked up to the honey-haired man. Had he sounded pathetic?

But Spencer cupped his cheek once again and kissed him lovingly.

“Thank you for telling me. You’re the strongest person I know, Aaron. I'm sorry you had to go through all of that.”

Aaron’s heart skipped a beat, warmth spreading through his chest. He swallowed down all his uncertainties and let Spencer in, he was proud of himself. Both of them yawned in succession, still exhausted from last night and uncomfortable from sleeping in the bathtub.

With a cheeky grin the younger man announced, “Let’s go to bed, I’ll get us the day off.” Aaron was so grateful.

While he called in sick, Spencer had an idea, and he knew just who to call.

_____

“Boy Wonder! How wonderful to hear from you on this frabjous day! We miss you and the Bossman dearly. We are definitely… working. Work is happening, and we’re doing it, and it’s getting done. You can trust me on that. Definitely no piñatas in the break room, where would we even find one on such short notice? Emily doesn’t even know where to get balloons! Anyway, what magical service may I bestow upon thee today, my little lord?”

Spencer bit back a chuckle, “Hi Penelope. Listen I need some advice on… interior decorating-”

Immediately, he got cut off by a squeal, “I’m on my way!”

“No! Garcia- after work-”

The line goes flat.

“Dammit. I should’ve just texted JJ.”

_____

Despite her best efforts, the rest of the team did not let Penelope leave the BAU for a ‘design emergency’. Fortunately for Spencer, that gave him some time to plan what he wanted to do while cooking lunch for his sleeping beauty.

After a full meal of soup and grilled cheese, Hotch retreated to the living room hoping to watch some History Channel with Spencer. They love watching the conspiracy shows together and debunking the awful propositions. Though Hotch learned quite surprisingly that Spencer is very open to the idea of aliens on Earth. However, he has a suspicion that that’s mostly wishful thinking on the part of Spencer's inner child. Nevertheless, it’s adorable and Hotch was excited for it, and waiting patiently for Spencer to finish cleaning himself up.

Before he could question what was taking so long, their doorbell rang a sweet lullabye sound (they had to change it from the awful buzzing that it was- it was too overwhelming for Spencer). Not expecting any company, Hotch was puzzled as to who could be at their door.

“Who is it?” He spoke through the intercom.

“Bossman! Sorry to hear about your incurable case of Work Sickness! If you could let me up, I brought you some warm soup!-”

Spencer bounded through the foyer from the bedroom, practically hopping over furniture and knocking down a flower arrangement, “I got it! I got it!” he heaved frantically.

“Babe, what’s Garcia doing in front of our building on a weekday?”

“Nothing Aar don’t worry about it, Penelope and I are just going out for lunch, see you later!”

Spencer grabbed his satchel and was out the door.

“But- Spencer you just had lunch!” The curly haired man was already running down the steps, “Bye!”

It was Hotch’s turn to be left alone and confused.

_____

In Penelope’s car, Spencer explained his idea to Penelope, without going saying too much about Hotch’s nightmares. In true Penelope fashion, the bubbly bits-and-bobs connoisseur knew the perfect place to get what Spencer needed. Penelope dragged Spencer around the independently-owned home goods boutique like a lost puppy for about two hours. She ended up with more bags for herself and Sergio than what Spencer needed.

A few texts and one missed call from Hotch wondering what the hell was taking Spencer so long prompted them to leave. Spencer thanked Penelope in front of their apartment and air kissed her goodbye, promising to show up at girl’s night next week..

Spencer walks into the foyer as quietly as possible and hides the bags behind the living room’s entertainment center.

“Spencer?”

“Yeah! I’m home!”

Aaron walked out of their bedroom with a soft smile. His round glasses were on, meaning he’s been reading… or looking at case files.

“Are you going through the case?” Spencer scolded.

The bespectacled man didn’t waver. “There’s something the victim’s parents said that doesn’t add up, they said that every Thursday Mandy went to soccer practice after school and swim practice in the next town over in the evenings. She takes the bus so if the unsub was stalking her he’d either have to take the same bus and risk getting caught or have a car- which goes against our age profile- so that would mean there’s someone driving him. Spencer, there are TWO unsu-” He was cut off by being pulled into a kiss. He hummed into it and wrapped his arms around Spencer’s slender waist, pulling them closer together. When they pulled apart Spencer whispered “Two unsubs. The team knows, they’re working on it. You-” he tapped his finger on the older’s chin for emphasis, “need to relax today.”

The resulting pretty pout was swiftly kissed away. None of that now.

“But I don’t know how to relax. I’m Aaron Hotchner, stoic as a statue, stern glare extraordinaire, Mr. Emotionless…”

Spencer rolled his eyes and trailed his hands down Aaron’s hard chest, “I know how to make you relax…” The other man grinned “Oh is that right?” Spencer smirked and led his boyfriend to the couch.

_____

That night when Aaron was gone to bed, Spencer quietly retrieved the bags from behind the TV and set his plan in motion.

_____

He’s trembling. And he can’t recognize his own thoughts, he can’t think straight, all he can see is his son- and Haley with terror written all over their faces.

He barely registers the sound of Jack’s wailing because, as if from right behind his ear, he hears a voice that he interprets as his own thought ‘shoot him’.

‘What?’

‘Pull the trigger’

He looks back up to his sobbing, terrified son, and without hesitation- click- BOOM-

Aaron bolted up from the bed, gasping for breath. His eyes darted around the dark. Jack? Where is he- Jack ohmygod-

His vision landed on Spencer’s sleeping form, breathing shallowly and folded into himself like a pretzel, sleeping soundly like an angel. Spencer. Real. Safe. He took a deep breath to regulate his heart. In for 4, hold, out for 6, repeat. This was exhausting.

Groggily, Aaron slipped out from under the covers and headed to the bathroom to get a drink of water and maybe splash his face a little. He thought of getting into the bathtub for the comfort he desperately needed right now, but he’d be embarrassed if Spencer found him in there again. Who does that? But nothing could have prepared Aaron for the sight before him when he opened the door.

Lights. Yellow, green, purple electric lights on strings, illuminating the room in a beautiful calming glow. They were suspended from the curtain rod of the bathtub, taped to the walls. Gorgeously scented candles perched on the sink, some on the ground, a few tea lights lining the edge of the tub. It smelled glorious and comforting and Aaron couldn’t tell what it was. Pine? Sandalwood? Campfire?

The most breath-taking part was the inside of the bathtub. Patterned sheets hung from the walls and draped over to form a delicate roof. Fluffy pillows perfectly laid out to coat every inch of the porcelain interior, and soft blankets piled on top for added comfort. Lights lined the inside of the sheet tent as well, it looked fantastical. Like something out of a book.

Aaron was floored, to say the least. Was this what Spencer had been doing today? He was flooded by a new emotion, something he couldn’t quite put his finger on. Spencer had done all of this for him? To make him feel safe?

He was still standing just barely in the room, taking everything in and getting emotional when he heard soft footsteps behind him and felt Spencer’s long arms slink around his waist. A chin hooked over his shoulder and a kiss was pressed to his neck.

“Are you alright? Did you have a nightmare?”

Aaron nodded, “You did all this… for me?” A tinge of awe decorated his voice.

“Yeah,” his boyfriend whispered back, “So you don’t hurt yourself when you sleep in here.”

Aaron felt stupid for ever thinking his wonderful, thoughtful boyfriend would ever feel embarrassed by him. Of course Spencer took everything he admitted seriously, of course Spencer cared about what he’s been through, Spencer cares… that's what he’s been feeling. Taken care of. Important. For once in his life, he feels like he’s allowed to let himself be loved.

The stunned man seemed to be frozen in place, not knowing how to respond. His mind was overwhelmed with love for his boyfriend. Spencer pulled away and grabbed the older’s hands, Aaron let himself be led to the makeshift fort.

They climbed in together, careful not to knock over any of the burning candles. Spencer settled on one end of the tub and pulled Aaron into him before he could even think of not cuddling with him. He made space with his legs for his boyfriend to settle between, chest pressed to back, arms wrapped around his love. Safe, warm, and comfortable in a sea of cushions like twin yolks in a shell.

Laying here, in his lover's arms, surrounded by low tranquil lights, and the gentle rise and fall of Spencer’s chest, Aaron felt as serene as he’d ever been. Spencer slid warm hands under Aaron’s shirt, bringing one up to rest cozily on his heart. Aaron turned his head and nuzzled further into Spencer’s neck, feeling the familiar tingle of the man’s touch and murmured a low hum of approval.

Spencer’s other hand, that wasn’t on Aaron’s heart, was used to tip the taller man’s chin up to look at him.

“I know what it’s like to be afraid of your own mind,” he cooed, “sometimes it’s impossible to take yourself out of that world. But in our home, Aaron, I want you to feel safe and protected at all times. I want you to be vulnerable and unashamed. You’re free to be everything you are in here, and I hope that you feel you can be everything you are with me, too.”

Aaron lost himself in his partner’s deep gaze, glorious hazel eyes boring into him. Completely enamored by the words spoken to him, all he could do was nod and lick his lips, trying to regulate his heart rate for a completely different reason now. Spencer had never been so… authoritative before and his sincere but stern tone sent thrilling sparks down his spine. A blush rose up his neck.

Spencer tracked the slow movement of Aaron’s tongue sliding over his bottom lip, and didn’t fight the impulse to drag his thumb over it. “You’re always safe with me.” He barely whispered before angling his head down to catch those lips in a languid kiss. Aaron sighed into it, waiting a little while before pushing himself up to fix their awkward angle. He positioned them so that Spencer was laid down flat on his back, allowing Aaron to lay between his legs once more, chest to chest. They tangled themselves in each other, lips colliding again like a match to a box, igniting a fire in the both of them.

Both were still tired from waking up in the middle of the night, but the desire coursing through their bodies was a more pressing matter. Spencer lifted his hands to frame his lover’s neck and wrapped his legs loosely around his waist, inviting Aaron to grind down onto him, both already half hard from the anticipation. Spencer groaned into Aaron’s mouth. A sound that went right to Aaron’s dick.

They explored each other’s bodies with a youthful novelty, eager to feel more skin. Never once pulling their lips apart. Aaron slipped his hands under Spencer’s shirt and shoved it up under his arms, digging his fingers into those delicious hips. Finally he broke away from the kiss to pepper the younger’s face with sweet ones. Aaron’s heart grew three sizes at Spencer’s soft giggles and let out a low laugh of his own. How ridiculous were they, making out like teenagers in a bathtub fort? Neither much cared to answer that question though, because the impatient genius bucked his hips up to meet his boyfriend’s, who was still in his boxers, let’s get those off.

Spencer eagerly reached for Aaron’s underwear and palmed at his bulge just until he heard that impatient sound from him. He pulled the man’s cock out now fully hard and dripping with precum. A groan escaped the both of them at the sight and sensation. They wasted no time in getting Spencer out of his nerdy physics flannel pajama pants, and grinded their dicks together. Lighting sparked right through the both of them, Aaron balanced himself on one arm near Spencer’s head and took both of their lengths into his right hand.

The rub of their slick cocks together was spectacular as Aaron kept a slow and steady pace, making sure to draw out all the best sounds he knew Spencer could make by nipping at his neck, where he knew the younger man was ticklish. Spencer whined at the excruciating pace, turning into a desperate whimpering mess. Making Spencer wait was so fun.

Spencer’s hands find grip in Aaron’s short hair, keeping him close, feeling the pull of Aaron's big hand on his dick and grinding up to meet him. It’s intoxicating bliss, being taken over the edge by the man he loves.

Their worlds minimized to just the slide of their cocks and the lips on their skin. The whimpering man felt the familiar build up in his abdomen, moaning freely now as he chased his orgasm, guiding Aaron’s hand with his own to feel his touch everywhere.

“Yeah baby,” Aaron encouraged, his own orgasm coming on quickly, “Cum for me baby.”

Spencer sputtered his release over both of their hands and stomachs, momentarily suspended in the intense bliss of his orgasm. He laid there spent, feeling like putty in Aaron’s hands, and pulled him down for a passionate kiss. He took his lover’s cock in hand and pumped him quickly, thumbing the head of his dick on each upstroke. Aaron came with a groan and a shudder, his arms gave out. They laid there catching their breaths for a while, ignoring the drying stickiness between them and tracing slow patterns on each other’s skin. They were so lucky to have each other.

“How are we going to shower now?” Aaron looked up and pouted.

“There’s a perfectly good sink just 5 feet away.” They laughed, Aaron pulled a blanket over them.

------------------------------------------------------

Taglist: @foxtrot91 @physics-magic @ssa-sarahsunshine @hearteyedhotch

#hotchreid #spencer reid #aaron hotchner #spencer reid x aaron hotchner #spencer reid fic #aaron hotchner fic #criminal minds fic #my fic #bathtub au

112 notes · View notes

sxfik · 3 years

Note

I have an idea!

Ok so we all know that Hanseo is abused by his big brother, and if i remember correctly, the jipuragi trio found out about it from the guillotine file for the first time.

Now hear me out, what if the jipuragi trio found out about the abuse from Hanseo himself, not from the guillotine file??

After failing to burn down geumga plaza, Hanseok threw that object at Hanseo, telling him not to dodge it, and it left a scar on his forehead. When Hanseo visited jipuragi, he seemed proud of that scar, right?? Because thats what he got from saving geumga plaza, and he hoped that the scar would show them that he wants to be on their side.

BUT lets forget about all those stuff for a moment.

Hanseok loves to strangle, threaten, and hit Hanseo with the hockey stick. It certainly happens more than once, so i figured that there must be a bunch of scars and bruises on his body right?? What if the jipuragi trio noticed one of his scars/bruises?? I know Hanseo always wear long-sleeved stuff, so its not exactly visible, but what if someone caught a glimpse of it??? Perhaps the scar/bruise was on his arm???

Maybe when Hanseo visits jipuragi, Vincenzo asks him to wash some coffee mugs, and as Hanseo is rolling up his sleeves...

"yo whats that on your arm??"

And maybe Hanseo is like "thats a bruise..? Do you not know what a bruise is??"

Okay, idk. I have no idea how he's gonna react if that happens. I just feel like Hanseo wouldnt be proud of his scars if he didnt get them from trying to save geumga/jipuragi people.

And now im just wondering, what do you think? How would Hanseo react, in your opinion? If the jipuragi trio really did find out about the abuse from Hanseo himself, how would that affect their relationship? Im really curious about what you think

Hhhhhhhh sorry if its too long. I just thought that this might be a good way for Hanseo and jipuragi to kinda get closer with each other...

han seo headcanons (part one)

helloooo, thank you for sending an ask in :D

SORRY this answer is super long and for some reason my phone isn't allowing me to add a keep reading cut thingy, apologies in advance to the amount scrolling you have to do

tw: abuse

i've been thinking so much about this ask and just how han-seo would react to them finding out, and honestly i never really took note of how many long sleeved shirts he wears. i believe han-seok has switched a lot more into emotional manipulation and abuse than physical abuse but he has a lot of anger issues. i'd honestly imagine him using han seo as a punching bag for any and every inconvinence that happens to him, even as an intern.

i also agree with you, han seo is someone who is a very bright personality who tends to hide his hurt and emotions, and he's very very good at it as he has been living under a psychopath his whole life. he's good at hiding his anger (although it definetly bubbles over in smaller outbursts) and especially his hurt (i.e. the scene that han seok throws that candle holder at him and he just smiles back). han seo has a lot of anger at himself for not speaking back or being able to act like himself. like in that scene in the office, you can tell as he curls his fist that he wanted to speak back so badly. even when he finally snaps against han seok, he said "i'm getting tired of being afraid of you." i feel like he'd be embarrassed that even after years, he hasn't been able to escape his abuse

next>

(you can also read the following on ao3)

i feel like this scene and their dynamic would play out something similar to this:

han seo joined the team and has been working with vincenzo and cha-young for around a month. at this point han seo isn't walking on eggshells with both of them, he's a lot more comfortable and visiting their office regularly without choi/han/han seok finding out.

sometimes it's vincenzo and cha-young providing him books to study economics from, maybe even giving some brotherly/sisterly advice to him. every couple weeks, vin and cha-young give him quizzes and slowly, he's getting better and better

over time, he even got closer to the plaza residents (even though the residents were definetly cold to him in the beginning, miri scaring the shit out of him by doing her ghost thing, the lady with the lipstick from bye bye balloon staring him down, snack bar lady refusing to serve him, larry also scaring the shit out of him by doing his zombie routine)

but despite this, they adopt him into their family, han seo doing small errands for the residents, him buying the best coffee, food and getting camera equipment for the snack bar lady's son. han seo gifting the pawnshop couple with cute baby items etc.

(obviously he buys the most expensive shit bc he's still a rich boy, but they dont have to know)

(side note: he'd be fucking adorable with a baby, imagine him being the babies "uncle han seo" who gets them the best gifts !!)

even though he was comfortable with all of them, every once in a while his facade would slip.

every once in a while, someone would make a sharp movement towards him and he'd flinch. or if someone makes a quick step towards him, he'd back up and stiffen up on instinct

even if it was someone patting his back or just making a quick movement, he'd react on instinct from the years of abuse from han seok. but no one ever said anything about it if they noticed.

one afternoon after lunch, they were washing dishes, han seo on washing duty and cha-young drying and placing them back. and han seo was in his full sleeves and cha-young notices his sleeves getting wet

"yah, roll your sleeves back, by the end of this your whole sleeve will be wet! you know how uncomfortable those sleeves would be?"

"ahaha, it's alright noona, i'll be fine"

han seo tries to laugh it off, grining at her with one of his wide grins but there's something off about this one. but cha-young gives one of her patented glares and he rolls them up carefully, shielding his arms from her view, and continues washing the rest.

cha-young doesn't take note of his bruises at first, but noted the care he went through to shield his arms from her. his arms were posed almost awkwardly and he was on high alert

it wasn't until after they both finished and he was drying his hands that cha-young saw the massive bruises he had, climbing up his forearms and under the sleeves

he stiffens when he sees her stare, and quickly tries to cover them but she grabs them before he could hide it

she's completely quiet while she stares at his arms. after a moment, he speaks up

"oh i accidentally banged these against my doorway, they're just small bruises. it's go away in a couple days" he smiles at her again but she could tell from the way his shoulders were frozen and the wavering of his voice that it wasn't the truth

"did he do these?" she asked him, her face completely neutral and her voice barely a whisper. she's still looking at his forearms, her fingers ghosting over the bruises.

han seo just looks down and the silence is enough of an answer for cha-young. he walks away, embarrassed that she found out about it, even though his years of therapy told him that it wasn't never his fault, he still felt the shame and anger of not being able to break free.

he's quiet for the rest of the time, feigning tiredness and finding an excuse to leave the plaza

that night, it was just vincenzo and her working at the office late, in preparation for babel. cha-young's mind was still on what she saw that afternoon. abruptly, she stands up, her hand gripping the pen in her hand as she turned to vincenzo sitting at the other desk.

"did you know that bastard hurt him? he's been abusing han seo this whole time?" she asked vincenzo, her voice seething with anger

"i know."

"you know??? why didn't you ever say anything?"

vincenzo looks up at her from his stack of papers, setting his pen down.

"it wasn't my place. i picked up on it when he flinched when mr. tak reached toward him to place a hand on his shoulder."

cha-young sat back down then, her lips pressed together, and vin went back to his paperwork

"we should get him out of there. who knows what han seok would do in one of his rages?"

"couple nights ago, we went to drink makgeolli and i offered him a way out. i told him if he ever needs to leave, and if he's ready to leave, he has a place at the plaza."

"and is he? leaving that is?"

"no. he thanked me, but said that he needed to stay until his brother and his group crumbles to the ground."

cha-young let out a sigh, biting her lip, the worry on her face all too evident

"hong cha-young byeonosa-nim, we shouldn't baby him. jang han seo deserves revenge against his brother just like we do and the choice is ultimately up to him."

"i know. i just worry."

they stayed quiet for the rest of the night, working late but the topic never leaves cha-young or vincenzo's minds

the next day, han seo avoided her like the plague, not wanting to talk about what she saw yesterday

but while he was studying, she approached him, a glass of juice and a snack in hand, setting it next to him. she checked over his work quietly as he took a break and glanced at his arms, doing a once over just to make sure he didn't get any new ones.

"well done, han seo, you're doing well" she smiled at him and ruffled his hair and han seo let out a breath of relief and gratefulness that she hadn't treated him any different

from then, cha-young and vin only got fonder of han seo and han seo was pretty much adopted by them. after the battle and han seok is in jail permanently, he moves out of his apartment, and gets one closer to the plaza.

mr. nam would show him how the organization worked at jipuragi and put him to work, the paralegal grateful to have an extra hand around the office

eventually, even han seo grows an affection to the instant coffee and buys more for himself and his apartment

vin would take him shopping for suits, both rich boys obsessed with their sleek looks. they take cha-young with them once but she manages to sleep off at every shop they go to.

vincenzo also plays hockey with him regularly and the plaza invites him to plaza game nights. they get up to all kinds of mischief,

han seo loves spicy food, just like cha-young so they make it their mission to go to try every restaurant and compete to see just how much spice they can handle. obviously vincenzo doesn't even make it past the first round of the spice competitions but cha-young and han seo have the same competitive streak that keeps them going

han seo is also dropping hints to both of cha-young and vincenzo that they should get married. constantly teasing vincenzo about cha-young in the way only younger brothers do

obviously on one of cha-young and han seo’s days out, han seo drops hints CONSTANTLY, trying to get her to admit cha young likes vincenzo

and OBVIOUSLY she slips up, and han seo doesn’t let go of it

he does the whole younger brother teasing every single time he catches cha-young glancing at vincenzo at the firm

“cha-young noona and vin hyung, sitting in a tree. K I S S I N—” “HAN SEO!!!”

obviously chayenzo eventually get together but decide to keep it a secret (and of course, they were awful at it)

eventually when they reveal it to the office, mr. nam and han seo react like that one scene in suspicious partner (“quick, act surprised” “*gasp* you guys are together??????? we had no idea!!”)

han seo is basically adopted as a younger brother to both cha-young and vincenzo and even the plaza loves his presence and he gets to have a peaceful existence for the rest of his life

anyways han seo deserves a happy ending with a good family. he deserves a second chance with a family that LOVES AND CARES FOR HIM AND GIVES HIM CHOICES AND ALLOWS HIM TO BE HIMSELF. (and yes this covered more than just one scene but I HAVE MANY THOUGHTS ON HIM) as always feel free to add on :D

#yes han seo calls her noona #they’re attached at the hip okay #both of them are chaos machines #literally vin cha young and han seo are the definetion of *too much energy* *too much energy* *calm*#mine #vincenzo #vincenzo cassano #chayenzo #hong cha young #song joong ki #tvn vincenzo #jeon yeo been #vincenzo x cha young #jang han seo #jang han seok #kwak dong yeon #ok taecyeon

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