#this is why i am trying not to stress because yeah

[isfjmel-phleg]

I feel a lot of things that I don't like tonight, so I am going to tell you about one thought that crept up on me recently that was good in a way that took me aback.

I was thinking about my grandfather, my mom's dad. When I was sixteen, my mom and siblings and I went to stay with my grandparents while my dad was in Iraq (...again). It was a really stressful time, and a lot of unpleasant things were happening, like Grandpa dying from leukemia.

I was in high school and homeschooled, doing video lessons. Every day started with a Bible class, which meant singing a couple hymns along with the class on screen. They would have one of the boys in class lead the singing, and they never sang in keys I could hit.

So I would be in the living room every weekday morning, caterwauling out the day's hymns, and Grandpa would come in from his room, which was just a hallway away, and say with complete sincerity, "I hear angels singing."

I always felt kind of...well, not quite embarrassed about that, but I was painfully aware that my singing was not good, that I could do better, and I didn't deserve such a remark. After all, he had one daughter who's a coloratura soprano and two others who are also excellent singers, and yet he's telling his unmusical, untrained granddaughter that she sings like an angel. He was just saying it, right?

And I don't know why I was thinking about this recently, but it suddenly occurred to me: he really did like it. The point was not whether I was good at singing (and I wasn't). The point was that it was his granddaughter singing and he liked hearing that because...he loved her. And "I hear angels singing" was another way to say that.

And yeah, that sounds completely simple and obvious, but I guess I'm not used to thinking of things from that angle? without trying to argue myself out of it? and somehow it seems a very novel idea to realize that being valued not for doing everything just right but because one is simply loved is a real thing? like in real life? like a thing that can happen to me? I guess? if that makes sense?

#random personal stuff #tl;dr long-winded personal story

[laura1633]

Charles officially introducing Max as his boyfie to his family... im sorry i just read a fic that goes like that and it's so soft i think i died

Aww I love soft Lestappen. I am sure Charles' family would be happy with Max, he seems like really good boyfriend material 🥰 I imagine Arthur and Lorenzo would be amused because they've heard Charles talking about his rivalry with Max for so long and now he is on his arm and they are being all soft with each other.

Just throwing out this tiny little random drabble (not exactly about Charles introducing Max to his family but more about him wanting to introduce Max) :

“What do you think of this shirt?” Charles holds a navy shirt up in front of him so Max can take a look. It’s one he’s worn a few times before, nice and simple. 

“Blue?” Max grins, “Of course it is perfect” 

“Really?” Charles frowns as he takes another look at the shirt in his hands, “Maybe I should pick something else” 

“You look good in anything” Max hums as he lays sprawled out on the bed watching Charles fuss around, “so I don’t know why you are so stressed” 

“I’m not stressed” Charles mumbles, it’s meant to come off as care free but even to his own ears it sounds rather defensive, “I just want to at least look good” 

“At least?” 

“Nothing” Charles shakes his head and goes back to the wardrobe. He’s pretty settled on the navy blue but it gives him chance to try and compose himself. He knows he shouldn’t really be so het up about having to go to another family occasion alone. He’s done it enough times. It's not even that big a deal, some distance cousin's engagement party. It’s selfish to want to have Max with him but he so wants to be one of those loved up couples that spend the evening making lovey eyes at their significant other. 

“Tell me what’s wrong and maybe I can make it better” 

Charles closes his eyes and melts back against Max’s body as the Dutchman hops off the bed and wraps his arms around his waist. 

Max has come so far. So, so far. And it really is beautiful to see. The Dutchman is more at ease with who he is now. He’s not afraid of being open with Charles. Not afraid to kiss Charles. To touch Charles. To love Charles.

But in secret. 

Which is fine. Charles knows it’s fine. He doesn’t need everyone to see their love in order to know it exists. He experiences it, he feels it, he lives it. It’s just - 

“Nothing” Charles smiles. If there is one thing he isn’t going to do it’s push, “I am just not in the mood for a party, I would prefer to be with you” 

“You don’t have to stay long” Max leans into Charles’ neck and kisses up the length of it slowly, “I’ll be here waiting when you get back.” 

“I know” Charles tilts his head to the side so Max can slot in easier, “It’s … yeah… it will be fine. I am just going to have a shower. The sooner I get there the sooner I can be home.”

Charles makes sure to give Max a kiss before wiggling out of his arms and scooting through to the shower.

It really is all fine. Charles will go to the party, people will tease him about being perpetually single and then he will leave and fall into bed with Max who will make him forget about everything else. 

The Monegasque makes quick work of showering and changing. The navy blue shirt gets put on and it looks fine. It doesn’t really matter what he looks like anyway, most eyes will be on the happy couple.

“I went for the white so we don’t match” Max grins as Charles walks into living room and sees his boyfriend smoothing down the creases of his shirt, “Do I look okay?”

“Where are you going?” Charles’ heart is racing but he’s not sure if he’s getting ahead of himself. 

“To an engagement party” Max takes a deep breath and lets the tension out of his shoulders, “As long as you want me to come” 

“You want to come with me?” Charles still feels like he’s missing something. 

“I want to come with you” Max steps close enough to circle his arms around Charles’ waist, “I don’t want you to be yourself” Max leans in and presses his lips against Charles’

“You don’t have to come” Charles feels choked up all of a sudden, “My family will all be there and my ..”

“Friends. I know” Max soothes his hands up Charles’ arms, “I think it is about time I met them all. Don’t you think?”

Charles nods, not quite trusting his voice if he were to talk right now. His heart is fluttering and there are butterflies in his stomach. 

“I’m ready. I promise” Max interlaces his hand with Charle's, “Come on, if we don’t go soon there won’t be enough time to show me off to everyone”

Max grabs Charles' coat and helps the Monegasque into it before grabbing his own and leading Charles out of the apartment.

Charles can't stop grinning as Max keeps their hands clasped together. The Monegasque's fingers tingle with excitement as it hits him that they really are holding hands in public for the first time ever.

#Laura1633 asks #Lestappen drabble #Lestappen fanfiction

[livsateez]

missing you (jung wooyoung x reader)

something wooyoung holds dear to his heart are your facetime calls while he’s on tour. seeing you on his small phone screen helps him feel grounded.

each call is a reminder that he’s one night closer to having you back in his arms.

[tuesday - 12:45 am]

“hi woo!” you smile at your phone, you watch the small screen as he struggles to prop his phone up.

“y/n!” his eyes light up at the sight of you, feeling himself let the stress of his recent days leave him.

“how are you? how was the show?” his smile illuminates, making the screen feel brighter than it was. not that you minded.

“it was amazing! you should’ve seen the crowd, i swear it was our loudest show this whole tour!” you laugh to yourself, his happiness feeling contagious.

“i wish i could’ve been there, maybe i can go to your next home show.” his eyes light up when you mention a home show.

since the tour began, wooyoung has been counting down the days until he can come home to you. while he loved being on the road and seeing the world with his friends, he loved the feeling of being close to you just a little more.

“one more week,” he told you, holding up one finger. you smile to yourself, knowing the countdown all too well.

“one more week,” you repeated, completing the same action.

wooyoung smiled at you, blowing a kiss, as if to give you something to hold on to until he got home.

“it’s getting late, you should get some sleep,” he could see your exhaustion as you wiped your eyes.

“normally i would say no, but you also look like you could use some rest.”

“yeah, yeah. i’ll call you in the morning, okay?”

“okay. i love you, woo.”

“i love you more. goodnight!” he hung up before you could argue back.

[wednesday - 2:14 pm]

“—and then she had the audacity to act like it was my fault!” you looked down at your phone while you walked to your car, seeing wooyoung roll his eyes at the mention of your coworker.

“i knew there was a reason i never liked her,” you giggled at the sentiment.

“you’ve never even met her.”

“okay? but you don’t like her and she ruins your day, therefore i hate her,” he had an almost matter of fact tone in his voice.

you get in your car and prop your phone on the stand, putting your hands up as if to balance it once you have it in place.

“you look like you need a nap,” he tells you as you start the car.

“funny enough, that’s exactly what my plans were for when i got home,” he puts his hand to his forehead, giggling

“it’s almost like we brainwaved. like we’re connected or something,” you couldn’t help be laugh.

“i’m gonna go so you can focus on driving. i love you,” you nodded.

“okay, i love you too.” he smiled, blew you a kiss like he always does, then hung up.

[saturday - 8:37 am]

“you do know that if you don’t get up within the next five minutes, you’re gonna be late, right?” wooyoung usually never called this early, but he knew if he didn’t, you would’ve been late to your saturday shift.

“i don’t even know why i agreed to come in today, you think it’s too late to change my mind?” he nodded.

“i told you to tell them last night, but someone didn’t want to listen to me,” you glared at him, while he laughed.

“it’s not that i didn’t want to listen b—”

“but?” he teased.

“whatever,” he laughed again.

“now get up before you’re late and then you call me about how your boss was mad because you were late,” you tossed your phone to the side and he playfully gasped.

“did you just throw me?”

“do you want me to get up?” you laughed.

“my bad, carry on.”

wooyoung stayed on the phone with you all the way up until you pulled into your work’s parking lot.

“okay, i have to go. i literally have a minute before i’m late.”

“have a good day, i love you,” you smiled at him, and held up three fingers.

“i love you too. three more days!” you yelled excitedly.

“three more days,” he smiled brightly, and blew you a kiss as part of his routine, then hung up.

[tuesday - 5:54 pm]

you ran around yours and wooyoung’s shared apartment, trying to make sure there wasn’t anything out of place. you had been cleaning since you woke up, but couldn’t help but feel like the place was still a mess. you were wiping down your kitchen counter when you got a text from wooyoung

woo☀︎ ; i’ll be home in a few minutes, i can’t wait to see you!

your eyes widened and you looked around the apartment.

“this’ll have to do,” sighing, you typed out a quick response, and ran to the bedroom to change into something other than sweatpants.

about five minutes later, you heard keys coming from the door. you took a look in the mirror, before stepping out into the living room, waiting for wooyoung to finally get the right key to open the door.

to say wooyoung was excited to see you was an understatement. the second he opened the door, he threw his bag to the side and ran to hug you. he spun you around and covered your face in kisses.

“that’s it, i’m never leaving you behind again. you’re coming with me every time i go on tour,” he told you as he put you back down.

“i don’t think they’d allow that,” you giggled. you tried to pull out of the hug, but he wouldn’t let you.

“i can just put you in my suitcase, how are they gonna know?” he laughed and kissed your forehead.

“whatever you say, woo” you leaned your head on his chest.

wooyoung rested his head on yours, sighing contently. he was finally back home.

#jung wooyoung x reader #ateez x reader

[moeblob]

I am really tired of a situation rn.

#fe three houses #felix hugo fraldarius #me using felix on my angy days because he is my angersona? you bet! #anyway if you want to try to get someones money or something bc you hurt your own car banging into mine #can you try to be a bit more timely with it buddy come on you hit me on feb29 ! #why am i getting your insurance company calling me today ! #also i would like to point out i didnt do it and neither of us were hurt and i filed a claim with my own insurance comp #and also filed a police report bc he didnt even suggest calling the cops to the scene #so like yeah hey man maybe you and your insurance company can move a lil faster or smth #literally everything that happened the day of is - according to my dad - an intimidation tactic #i look like im 15 and he probably thinks he can take advantage of a new driver but ya know! tough luck! #im just really tired and stressed over multiple things not negative so getting this on top of it was like #bro .................... anyway my phone didnt pick up for some reason so i called back and then nothing got resolved #cause the person who actually called me wasnt around to connect the line to from the guy who answered #idk man just its a lot despite my v minimal energy #got a job interview on monday tho ! and then also next week is an eye exam #and you might be thinking isnt that a good thing to get your eyes checked? you are correct but i am horrified #there are two body parts that give me absolute anxiety and eyes are one of them #and i know my eye sight is declining and im just v anxious #its fine im going to be fine i just have to be anxious about it

[taeyungie]

hi ♡ i guess i'm back? 🥹

here's a little life update! i think you guys deserve it after my absence that lasted longer than even i expected it to last ;( i am very sorry about that. i miss everyone here and bangtan so much, you have no idea. the reason for all that is that for the past months i have been going through a lot of things and changes in my life. there were good and bad things happening, time flies extra fast, days melt into one and i didn't even notice the past half a year pass. although i think my absence was unavoidable in these circumstances i just thought that you guys deserve to know what's been up with me for the past months haha i have received a lot messages and reminders that people remember about me and that they miss me and i just want to send all of you my biggest apologies for leaving you for so long with no response, as well as all my love and gratitude! 🥺 i think i've been always fairly transparent on here so if anyone wanted to know more I'll leave some more details in the tags but basically I just hope that soon i will be able to become more active again and respond to messages ❤️❤️❤️ i hope everyone is doing great 🥰

#honestly... it was yoongi's comeback that made it happen. that made me have motivation to come back. i didnt expect it but here we are LOL #because for the past months i have been struggling a lot and i almost lost all the connections with my friends family and bangtan #i lost all my feelings and thoughts #i didnt miss anyone i didnt want to do anything i didnt want to be anywhere. i was completely submerged into my own head #i still am. it didnt exactly get better but.. its just yoongis impact jasbhdjdjd he made me remeber a lot #in october last year i developed a very agressive eating disorder and its gotten a lot worse at the begging of this year #and it has taken everything from me. it sucked me dry and still continues to do so. it made my mental health so much worse on every level #but im still here and thats what matters in the end right ❤️ #from the good things - after long unfortunate and very stressful job hunting i finally got a stable job 🥰 and i continue my uni so far #that's why i was absent here most of the time. i decided to focus on my life and on trying to change something and to fight a little more #after jin's enlistment announcement... it was a wake up call for me #and maybe soon i will be back on track but im taking things slow. especially that its not easy for me at all #but i just wanted you to know that theres been a lot happening here so ❤️ im not just getting bored of tumblr and bts haha #i never stopped following the fandom i never turned off my notifications from media i never stopped looking up what they're up to each day #i just didnt have time and motivation to be active. because of my health i wanted to be quiet and away from eveyone and everything :/ #even from my comfort people and activities #that sounds sad but. it's alright so please don't worry about me ❤️ I'm holding on just fine. got used to some things ❤️ trying to heal #so yeah i think thats that haha i think its enough and all basically #it may seem like very little but my life has always been very slow when it comes to big actions haha #anyway. love you all so much ❤️ thank you for not forgetting about me ❤️ #soon i will try to answer some mesdages from my inbox. please wait for me just a little bit more ❤️ im very overworked right now #but im so sorry that you have to wait so long ❤️

[skinreflectsthesun]

.

#let me tell you #yesterday I went to the store and found some shorts that were on sale #I was like okay these look like they’d fit #because women’s sizes vary literally store to store #it’s the most fucked up mindgame society likes to play with us and it serves to cripple my soul every single time #anyways #im like okay let me try them on #and listen they did not fit #and I just took a moment to stand there like wow #why did I think those would fit me #I suppose in my mind im smaller than I actually am? #and I just was slapped right into reality for a moment #and stood there like huh 🫤🫤🫤 in the harsh lighting of the fitting room feeling absolutelyyyy discouraged #I actually hate the way my mind is doing this to me #I want so badly to be completely neutral about my body #and some days are easier than others #but my god #going on this vacation is just stressing me out because I have nothing to wear #so yeah #that’s my schpeel #I’m v sad about it #and lowkey don’t wanna go anymore 😅 #I will #but my god fuck this whole thing

[skullzy20]

I am not exaggerating when I say I live with one of the worst cishet men I've ever met in my life and its horrible

Pretty big vent incoming in tags, just a warning. Feel free to scroll past /gen

#sorry i. need to vent #he is genuinely one of the most ignorant; stubborn; and absolutely manchild of a man I've ever seen #I'm not fucking lying when I say he gets pissy and shouts and complains about EVERYTHING #and I don't mean just occasional shouting and getting loud #whenever he's upset. its /loud/. very loud #first time in my 5 years of knowing him I had enough and snapped back at him because he was yelling at me- #-bc I supposedly do absolutely nothing around the house and I take horrible care of myself and dont care about anything #at least in regards to the house #and complains about why I'm deciding not to go to college and that he got a job at 15 while he's literally #in his mid 40's #so. #like. #I told him I'm still 18 and I dont want him to boss around my entire fucking life but he brought up the excuse again of- #-him doing all the shit I SHOULD be doing by his words when he was 15 #first of all. like. to get things straight; we are not related at all not even in the slightest #he's my mothers bf; I don't know why he gets so pissy at me about MY life of all things #like Jesus Christ shut up challenge impossible #yeah I had a fun (/s) moment earlier where I went to clean my dish and he started to snap at me about how I- #-walk past the dishes every day while they're piled up and I should do them. meanwhile. they're literally not mine. ever #I get it yeah but. whatever. he kept going onn and on and on and got even more upset with me literally not saying or doing anything to- #-provoke him more #Ig he just doesn't know that!! wow!! I do actually care about my life and future!!!! #and that getting a job is not that easy or the same as it was 30+ fucking years ago!! wow!! who would've guessed!!!! #Like genuinely i am literally trying to get a job rn and shit and have been stressing horribly about it for literal YEARS #but yeah ignore that I guess ok sure buddy #god sorry i.. really hate him. a lot #I dont like to hate on people really; esp if im accustomed to them. but him. he. no <3 #I will say I hate him w my full chest #vent #negative post

[seithr]

rl chatterin in tags, dont worry about it just feel like talking about recent stuff. for those who dont care look at this birdthang i won on xiv then. my silly big bird..

#i dont owe explanation to anyone yeah i kno but i was going through something kinda rough the last little while and wanted to disappear #idk if it was at all noticeable but i feel like acknowledging it is healthier than feeling embarassed pretending i was Totally Fine. #alas im back and im... still just gona post on as normal. i can enjoy my Own Circle Of Enjoyment because im allowed to enjoy parts of life #even if i felt like utter death it doesnt mean i have to drag myself back to it once im finally crawling out. #it doesn't mean it didn't happen. doesn't mean it didn't hurt. but i dont have to reopen the wounds to prove something yknow. #i want to be alright and I will take these. when i feel i want to be happy i should not deny the pleasure of messaging friends #or little joys of any kind no matter how 'insignificant it is' next to my real stresses. you have to have something you smile about #and when you're ready to again why try and put it off? anyways. no idea if this makes sense. im tired but good i think. #i have to give myself little hype up shounen talks about joys and loves and life sometimes. its just gonna happen. #armour clanking #however i AM allowed to feel a little shy talking and being honest again so this is scheduled . hello. gootbye. ya boy hanging on 👍 #possibly employed boy at last even. probably contributed to getting better was that hope. ok no more sharing for real GOODNIGHT (MORNING)

[hyenabrainedpup]

Me vs my head going empty when i get complimented

#im sleepy too so its WORSE /pos #my thoughts just vanish and. hjhghggjgj #yeah. #its nice tho bc the first half of my day was shitty #a tree shrew escaped because the wex volunteers were idiots and didn't ask for supervision like they should've #so they got bit #and we spent an hour trying to catch this tiny fast as fuck little dude #it was. so stressful #why am i venting in these tags wtf #snyway #nsft #trans nsft #puppy boy

[rainworld-enot]

Probably should state, I am gonna be busy for a bit.

So while I have seen every asked sent, I am gonna take a bit until I have time to answer

#ooc #I am not the best at dealing with school. I also... am in a lot of higher classes... Nearly free but that is why #I have not been asnwering stuff lmao. I REALLY WANT TO. but I am balancing trying not to fail because grades mean nothing to me #but grades mean a lot to everyone else. so homophobic. #but uh yeah. probably around May?... or whenever most of my exams are done. or the ones that stress me the most #I want to be honest about this. I will not close inbox unless I literally get overwhelmed. which... it's enot.. #I can draw Enot fucking fast especially with how I do it.

[vampyrsm]

me: talking to my mum about possible spinal surgery

my mum: yeah. anyway have you played diablo iv?

#— alex rambles #deadass just stared at the invisible camera like i was on the office #tw hospital #in the tags below #anyway. yeah this is why my life has been thrown upside down #my mum is very likely having spinal surgery soon #shes been in a lot of pain #and if people dont know. she was in the ICU at the start of the year for something that attacks your nervous system instead of your illness #and yeah i am . very stressed #im trying to distract myself by being on here because if i dont i will go insane #im mostly scared - no one in my family has ever had surgery like this so #yeah im terrified

[hobisexually]

x

#hello it’s your weekly scheduled trauma dump on tungle dot com! #I never knew how to explain why I don’t like the holidays right #because yes! I’m full of love and warmth and want to celebrate nice times with the people I love! absolutely #and I like the coziness and the everything #but Monday it was Sinterklaas and it used to be my favourite holiday of them all #it truly makes me feel like a kid and I used to hold on to this holiday with my tiny fists SO tightly because it was just. pure joy. #minus the racism re: piet obviously that’s a whole other can of worms I won’t get into rn #but this Monday it all exploded because of my dad and it was truly a throwback to my entire teenage years #and how it was all about appearances and pleasing anyone but me only to sit in a car and think about how fake it all is and how #that love isn’t. felt. not really. it’s always been about unspoken pain hè projects onto everyone else without respecting your boundaries #and I just can’t do it anymore and this time I set a firm hard no and his temper tantrum led to my mum choosing him over me EVEN THOUGH #THEY ARE LITERALLY DIVORCED?????????? #‘amber hes crying it’s heartbreaking you’re coming’ #yeah well I was also crying at WORK by myself where it is of the UTMOST importance to me they don’t know about any of this #but no no this whole grown man who is in a fucked situation with his family OF HIS OWN UNDOING is who we’re choosing instead of your child #I went! I put on my big girl pants and went and said hi to his family and was more than civil and celebrated with the kids #but it cost me so much. and for the first time ever I saw exactly how much it really cost me #I spent three whole days trying to set a boundary and stand up for myself only for it to be discarded because my No doesn’t matter ever #then I was so stressed i broke my own body in an attempt trying to be civil like my entire cheek is swollen from biting it I literally #haven’t been able to eat properly since Tuesday. my stomach hurts. my headache hasn’t gone. and I am so so so tired I fell asleep at 7pm #and I’ve been white as a sheet everyone at work could tell something was wrong but they didn’t know What exactly #and just. the contact with this man. I can’t keep doing it not when it does /this/ to me #I can’t even properly explain what it’s like or what happens. just that I can’t do it anymore because it’s tearing me apart and it actively #holds me back? I spent the past four years in therapy talking about and trying to fix everything he instilled in me but is holding me back #in my life. in my relationships. in my work. in the way I look at /myself/ #I can’t keep surviving I have to start living #and it’s ALWAYS worse around the holidays. the worst fights and nights of my life have been during the holidays #I am thirty years old and I was suddenly a fifteen year old this week who desperately needed help but wasn’t getting it #and I refuse to live like that ever again. I’m done. I’m done! #and it’s deeply sad and upsetting but we can’t fix this. we just can’t.

[cirillafionaelenriannon]

MY MANAGER PISSES ME THE FUCK OFFF at work today and she pulls me aside and is like You and other coworker walked right past a customer and i was on the phone and we made eye contact and kind of just laughed about it So please dont do that LIKE GIRL ? WHY R U ACTING LIKE THERES NOT 4 OTHER PEOPLE AROUND MEEE who can serve & also its literally not my fault if i didnt see ONE fucking customer & PEOPLE HAVE VOICES LIKE speak the FUCK up if you want to be served i swear to god they want me to have eyes in the back of my fucking head i dont think any regular human being could work a deli job because its the most stressful fucking thing in the world i am so tired of customers being like you must really get your steps in mf i walk to the bus stop at 6 in the morning to work an 8hr shift which i will be entirely on my feet for and then i walk back to the bus stop and then get on the bus and then walk home like i literally am living a type of hell u Could never comprehend because you cannot comprehend a customer service job . 

#text #and AURR IM SICK OF REDACTED WHO IS JUST LIke hehe let me do dishes my whole shift like why not come around the front #bc our manager is watching me like a fucking hawk #im literally soo wish there was some malicious compliance i could play into #but i swear sometimes she goes to ask me to serve AND I AM ALREADY SERVING ! #its just constant serving one customer after the other i cannot fucking wait #to quit this motherfucking job and kill myself because i cant take another day of her telling me serve customers or Like #keep my eye out IM SO STRESSED OUT AT THIS JOB ALL THE TIMEEEE #and this man today was trying to play jokes with me but they werent funny so i just kept saying okay #and he was like im just messing with you haha #and ik he felt damn awkward after like yeah u should feel fucking awkward IT WASNT FUNNY & DONT TRY TO JOKE AROUND WITH ME #the way that customers say things to me they think r funny or quirky or cute and im just like okay so what were you after #and then they dont know what to do w me im not here to play arounnd Brother do u want ham or fucking not #valkyrie.txt #also i need to clarify bc apparently in america a deli is something different to in australia #which americans literlaly dont fucking say shit abt it im not in the mood 4 it #its a delicatessen

[arthur-r]

(vent cw sorry i ran out of room in the tags to say that. it’s illness-related anger as usual. content warning for medical everything)

im so fucking sick though. just in general

#and i am so tired of people acting like they know my experiences better than i do #stayed home from school today falling behind in everything couldn’t fcuking get out of bed and my dad said that yesterday my energy was up #so i’m obviously faking it today. like yeah yesterday i laid in bed for hours then came to your house and sat in a chair. saw me for 30min #you don’t get to tell me that yesterday i was feeling well because i fucking wasn’t and you have never noticed or cared #when i fucking passed out got a black eye from hitting my head on the way down. he didn’t fucking bat an eye #now i’m stuck awake because i have stomach pain and my heart has been pounding so loud for hours #and i’m trying to sleep and i need to make it to school tomorrow but i can’t #and i’ve been trying and i’ve been lying awake. and at this point i don’t know how to deal with this anymore #i get sick three times a month you’re supposed to be sick three times a year. this isn’t even counting days where i can’t stand #when i say i’m sick i mean i have sore throat congestion and sometimes fever. and it’s almost always a direct result of trying to live life #like i went to the mall thursday prom shopping. walked a few hours. woke up next morning sore throat runny nose couldnt focus on school from #all the pain in so many places and all of my regular symptoms just being escalated so badly. cant think can’t see cant stand #and that is messed up!!!! that is messed up!!!! and my mother tells me she finally agrees i need anxiety medicine #like hey thanks!! that’s helpful!! however!! why do you only endorse mental when it’s the only alternative to physical #why has my mom always denied viewing my anxiety as anything i shouldn’t just push aside. until it becomes a way to tell me that my physical #problems should also just be pushed aside. why is it so hard to get an audience with a doctor #ANYWAYS i have my stupid follow up appointment. this friday. i dont know how it’s gonna go down #i’m just going to tell the doctor how much it fucking sucks. i guess i’m going to ask for a referral to a neurology specialist in the cities #which will drive my family insane they don’t want to enter the cities to help me. but our clinic doesn’t have what i need #i might get the doctor to do a stress test on friday though if they can do that. but i want specific autonomic testing #and like yeah. i get that anxiety is in the autonomic system. part of fight flight freeze and what EVER i’m not trying to say it’s not!!!! #but does it occur to anyone that my heightened anxiety is one of several symptoms. rather than somehow being the cause #heart rate in panic attack sitting down is 120bpm. heart rate in normal brain walking down the hallway is 140bpm. it’s not my fucking brain #anyway i just need a doctor to actually fucking look at me. actually do the tests actually monitor. because it’s there if you look #but nobody cares enough to look and i just have to sit here falling behind in all my classes and not able to do my job that i love #and just wait for it to somehow get better when i’ve been like this as long as i can remember and maybe it’s worse now but it’s always been #there and everybody writes it off as me being lazy or not putting in enough work and maybe i would have been in sports as a kid if i could!! #people act like my fitness now is because of choices i made as a child but i have ALWAYS had worse reaction to exercise than my friends #and anyway i just. idk. sore throat and stuff is gone now but overall discomfort and disability is not. but i’m going to school cause i cant #keep missing it for health reasons just have to watch my heart go insane and do nothing. out of tags i’m sorry. i’m just so tired.

[c4ts4ndstuff]

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#op #i don't really get the whole ''these fandoms are so toxic'' thing #like? #i mean yeah it's really annoying when the tag is just full of gay ships and smut #but how is that toxic? #i mean i know why I'M unhappy with it but why are secular people unhappy with it #OH WAIT does toxic in this case just mean gross? #i thought people meant toxic as in unhealthy #stressful and stuff #if that's the case then i do Not like the term because it is confusing #idk toxic? poison? #hmm okay wait i think i was taking it too literally #does this mean i can call the bots that just post links to fics toxic? cause i don't like how they clog the tags #i am Very Confused #i just use filters when looking for fanfic #and check the tags for fanart #and try my best to ignore the fanart and stuff i don't like #is there more the fandom than that?