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roidepoison · 1 day

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Reo Mikage is Actually Great BPD Representation- Some Thoughts

So I had the extremely unfortunate experience of being exposed to Blue Lock (unfortunate because it's all my tiny pea brain can think about now), and while it is absolutely full of silly guys whose brains I want to pick, this little bugger really stood out to me. The second he came onto the screen, I KNEW I smelled the borderline on him. As I watched the series and read the manga, I noticed he is actually an incredibly well-written depiction of someone struggling with BPD. Reo is a super layered character and my favorite hobby is picking apart those layers and yapping incessantly about them, so here we are. I want to write this analysis for a few reasons:

1.) Too many people misunderstand Reo and categorize him as dramatic or childish without any elaboration and he deserves a proper character deep-dive. I think him being borderline explains a LOT of his reactions/choices throughout the story.

2.) Borderline representation is extremely important to me. I'm diagnosed borderline and have struggled with this disorder for around ten years now, so I get really excited when I spy BPD-coded characters (especially if they're likable people and not just ghoulish irredeemable villains or manic pixie dream girl characters). This disorder can be so isolating, especially when the majority of people will never even bother to research or understand it. I know that some people like to chalk Reo's emotional reactions up to him being a moody 17-year-old, but I think I have enough evidence to prove that this is undiagnosed BPD that's festering in his noggin. Not to mention, literally nobody else acts like this in the series. Reo is incredibly unique and distinct in the way he behaves through this narrative and I think it's way past the point of normal teenage angst. Regardless, believe what you want. He'll always be my borderline princess tho <3

3.) I have a master's degree in English and what good is that if I don't write long, painful, pointless essays on anime guys? Not that this is exceptionally well written, I just like to laugh at myself for getting a whole M.A and then this is the shit I publish online lmao

By the end of this, I hope I can shed some light on wtf is going on inside of Reo's silly little head. (I'm also obviously not a psychologist, don't use any of this to diagnose yourself pls I don't need the scandal)

If you want to read, buckle up, because this is gonna be a long one!

First, let me define BPD- It's a personality disorder characterized by a long-standing pattern of instability in mood, interpersonal relationships, and self-image. At its core, it is a disorder categorized by emotional dysregulation (the inability to regulate one's emotional responses) People with BPD feel everything EXTREMELY hard. That's important to keep in mind IMO, because while their reactions may seem dramatic or extreme, what they're feeling IS dramatic and extreme. Everything they're feeling is amplified, so their reactions are amplified. Obviously from the outside, people assume it's an overreaction since they can't see what's going on inside the borderline's head. When you sit down and dissect the thought process of someone like Reo, it becomes a lot easier to understand why they react the way that they do to certain situations.

(Also, I'm not going to reiterate more than once that an explanation is not an excuse to treat people poorly. I cannot read ANYTHING on BPD without hearing every 2 minutes how the disorder isn't an excuse to hurt other people. We get it!! I'm explaining it, not excusing it. This enter essay is an analysis of why someone acts the way they do, not whether or not it's excusable)

So then, what behaviors/signs does somebody need to exhibit to receive a borderline diagnosis? The 9 diagnostic criteria for BPD are as follows:

1. Fear of abandonment

2. Unstable or changing relationships

3. Unstable self-image; struggles with identity or sense of self

4. Impulsive or self-damaging behaviors

5. Suicidal behavior or self-injury

6. Varied or random mood swings

7. Constant feelings of worthlessness or sadness

8. Problems with anger, including frequent loss of temper or physical fights

9. Stress-related paranoia or loss of contact with reality

Someone would only need 5 of these to receive a proper diagnosis. Just with the main story and the spin-off manga that is currently released, I think I have enough evidence to argue that Reo has 8 out of 9 criteria for a BPD diagnosis. For the sake of organization, I’m gonna group some of those together though, indicated by a + symbol. I also want to define a few important terms before I start yapping, so that y'all without BPD can understand wtf I'm even talking about.

Favorite Person (fp) - This is someone who holds massive significance in a borderline's life. They emotionally depend on this person a lot and to a certain extent, their worldview almost revolves around them.

Splitting- the change in perception of someone or something caused by black-or-white thinking or dichotomous thinking. It is the devaluation of someone who was once idealized and vice versa.

Mirroring (aka: the chameleon effect)- the constant, unconscious change in one's identity or sense of self by imitating another person’s behaviors, characteristics, or traits. It is common in people who have a vacant or distorted self-image which is a general symptom of BPD.

Now, time for me to break down the most prominent moments where Reo showcases borderline behavior. As I mentioned, I'm going to try and organize this under each criteria point (with some being grouped together)

Unstable self-image; struggles with identity or sense of self:

Before I delve into Reo's relationships, I want to start with his baseline sense of identity. It’s established early on that Reo is a very bored, empty, unsatisfied person. Nothing excites him, nothing motivates him, and everything is handed to him. He’s frustrated because his parents notoriously try and buy his affection even though he doesn't want anything. For most of his life up until the narrative starts, he's wandering through life empty and frustrated. That is, until he finally sets his sights on soccer and decides to dedicate his life to winning the World Cup:

The wording, 'proves my existence' is interesting here. I think this is the first instance Reo has felt alive. So far, the only notable thing about him has been his family and his money. He hasn't achieved anything exceptional for himself, but now he has that opportunity. With this goal, he can really build something up from nothing and make it his own. It's almost like he's clinging to this dream to prove that he has some purpose in his life other than being the family heir.

Now, this dream changes when he meets Nagi, of course. I'm not gonna focus too much on their relationship in this section, but I will mention that meeting Nagi shifted Reo's entire dream, and not for the better. Through the narrative, his dream went from:

Winning the World Cup

Winning the World Cup with Nagi

Proving to Nagi that leaving him behind was a mistake

Improving himself and becoming a good striker on his own

Being a tool for Nagi to become the best striker

Had Nagi not come in and ask for Reo to come back to him, I think Reo could have done a great job at establishing his own sense of identity without Nagi. But no matter how much he works on himself, with Nagi in the picture, he's never going to value himself more than Nagi. Reo lets Nagi cloud his identity to the point where Isagi calls him out and asks what he's even doing at Blue Lock in the first place, since he clearly can't survive on his own, he needs Nagi with him.

After dealing with the turmoil of being abandoned by Nagi, Reo goes through a few stages. He starts with wanting to become somebody worthy of being beside Nagi, somebody that Nagi would want to choose. Devoting himself to becoming stronger and more versatile, his end goal is to have Nagi realize he made a mistake by leaving him behind. After a few more matches, Reo starts to realize that he needs to grow and change and become a stronger, better version of himself for himself and not for other people.

He decides that the fight was all his fault to begin with, that he should have never forced Nagi to play soccer and now he is going to get back to what his dream was originally, combined with his new desire to be a stand-alone player (and person, for that matter). Reo accepts the mistakes that he made, admits that he shouldn't have forced his ideals onto Nagi, and resolves to become a better person for HIMSELF. That's excellent!

Of course, Reo can't be happy for TOO long. Nagi comes out of the woodwork saying that he can't beat Isagi on his own and asks for Reo's help. Reo does stand up for himself a bit, saying that Nagi is being inconsiderate of his feelings and mentioning how long it took for him to recover from Nagi leaving. Now, the BPD trait here is how Reo not only forgives Nagi and is jumping on him and hugging him THE NEXT PAGE, but he also just disregards everything he said in this sequence. In a matter of two minutes, he no longer wants to be a player that can fight on his own or improve for himself, he wants to improve for Nagi. He starts ruminating again about how hurt he was when Nagi left, but now he's saying all of it wasn't so that he could get stronger individually, it was so that he could be reunited with Nagi again. Nagi asking for his help and saying that now they can play together again motivate Reo more than anything we've seen so far. (Nagi notoriously throws Reo little affection crumbs like this that Reo eats up, but I'm not trying focus on that) Now, Reo's alright with being a tool for Nagi's success again. Everything that happened was supposed to make him stronger so he could be a better partner to Nagi, right? Reo also says as the chapter ends, to please let him be a part of Nagi's dream until Nagi becomes the world's best striker. That's literally so sad!

He's also immediately back to the 'our' 'we' 'us' talk as well. If he can master his chameleon style in order to keep Nagi above the rest of the players, he wont get left behind again. If he devotes his time and energy into being a solo striker like the rest of these guys, Reo knows that he wont be able to keep up. This was always supposed to be his role, right? Building Nagi up to his full potential! :*)

I also like the detail that Reo is back to hugging Nagi and holding him, but Nagi never really touches him back. I think Reo's love language is touch for sure, not that it's incredibly relevant, but I do think it shows that Reo is back to being 100% comfortable around Nagi as if their fight never happened. I hear a lot of fans asking how Reo could have forgiven Nagi so easily, and I say this with my entire chest, it's the BPD. The black-and-white thinking combined with Nagi being Reo's fp and the excruciating pain of being abandoned by him in the first place ?? Of course he's going to take him back. Also, I've seen people blame Reo for not saying no to Nagi when he asks for help and I have to say that is an absolutely insane take. How are we gonna look at a panel where Nagi asks for help and then blame Reo for helping him?? I'm not going to focus on it too much in this post but in my opinion, it is crazy how little accountability both the narrative + fans give Nagi. Reo is pegged as responsible for both of their downfalls and it's nuts tbh.

Currently in the story, I think Reo's identity is still centered around Nagi. It's really easy for borderlines to structure their entire lives and personalities around their favorite person, but I can only hope that these two keep having open and honest discussions with one another. Hopefully, Reo will eventually learn that he can exist without Nagi and that he's more than just 'his arms and legs'.

Unstable or Changing Relationships:

The most notable relationship in Reo's life is Nagi. They're both each other's first real friends, which already sets up a less-than-ideal dynamic. Nagi has no idea how to communicate and he has pretty weak emotional intelligence. On the other hand, Reo is great at communicating, but he isn't used to regulating his emotions. For a lot of borderlines, they can go a very long time without experiencing any symptoms when they don't have a favorite person. When you think about it, the bulk of the disorder is shown through those interactions with other people. If Reo has never had a real friend in his life, I don't think he'd be used to the emotional turmoil that comes with having a fp.

The minute Reo meets Nagi, he's attached. All his classmates notice it, too. They question why Reo is suddenly so obsessed with this random kid who has no interest in him. Reo is ignoring everybody that isnt Nagi.

Very quickly, Reo boils down his view of the world to being him and Nagi versus everybody else, and he makes that very clear. It also depicts something that I think is incredibly crucial to Reo’s character that a lot of people overlook; as Nagi develops to be Reo’s favorite person, Reo’s dream isnt ‘playing soccer’ anymore. It’s Nagi. It’s being with Nagi, playing soccer with Nagi, being useful to Nagi, taking care of Nagi, and being somebody important to Nagi. He doesnt teach Nagi the rules or how to actually play, he teaches Nagi how to play with him. He literally re-writes and re-structures the game so that it can center around him and Nagi. Nagi calls him out on this in the spin-off manga:

Reo doesnt care about the structure of the game, he cares about Nagi. The other people on the field don't matter. The other team doesn't matter. He also starts to unknowingly put Nagi up on a pedestal, which is another borderline trait. He starts reiterating that Nagi is special, he's different from everybody else, he's destined to achieve great things. The more he raises Nagi up, the more he isolates the two of them in his mind, reiterating the idea that it's them against everybody else. His language reflects this too: Reo exclusively talks with 'us' 'we' 'our', insinuating that they're going to do everything together.

When Ego says that there can't be two winners, Reo says that he'll make Nagi the best striker. His 'ego' will be making Nagi successful. Along with putting Nagi on this pedestal, Reo also very early on establishes the fact that he'd pick Nagi over himself any day of the week. He's the only person in Blue Lock who really couldn't care less about becoming a striker himself: his dream is to be a tool in Nagi's success. Or, in simpler terms, he wants to be useful and make Nagi happy.

These two were in trouble from the very beginning. Nagi is lazy as all hell, has 0 motivation to do anything, and his dream is to live a life of luxury and never have to work. Reo, being the borderline baddie that he is, is more than happy to do EVERYTHING for Nagi. Borderlines love extremely hard! It's one of our best traits and I think it's important to showcase that Reo is a massive sweetheart at his core. He clearly loves Nagi a lot and goes to extreme lengths to make sure he feels taken care of. To someone with BPD, NOTHING is too big of an ask for a person they love, especially if that person is their fp. I also disagree with the argument that Reo 'made' Nagi codependent. Nagi likes being taken care of, he says it all the time. If you ask me, I would actually argue that Nagi takes advantage of Reo a little bit because he knows that Reo will do anything for him. But regardless, I think that Reo starts to develop an unspoken expectation with Nagi that he'll provide him with everything he needs, and in turn, Nagi will stick around. I don't think he's doing this intentionally, nor do I think it's being done in a manipulative way. I just think that Reo has a dormant fear of being abandoned that he doesn't totally know he has yet.

It isn't just Nagi that Reo showcases having unstable relationships with, though. Zantetsu is another good example. Reo starts out disliking Zantetsu, he snaps at him a couple times, and calls him a moron more than once. He starts to warm up to him because Nagi tells him to. The favorite person has MASSIVE sway in the borderline's life. If Nagi likes someone, Reo likes them too. (This is, of course, on the condition that they aren't a threat, looking at you Isagi).

In the immediate next chapter, Reo is acting like they're all best friends. He's climbing on top of them in their big bed, saying that the three of them are gonna win their matches, being a little pookie. He goes from not liking this guy at all to considering him one of his close friends super fast. Also on the topic of Isagi, when they're making up the teams for the second selection, Nagi doesn't initially want to tell Reo that he wants Isagi on their team bc he's worried Reo will be upset. But, when he does finally say it, Reo is literally fine with it because like I said, who Nagi likes, Reo likes! On the condition that they don't replace Reo, which clearly happened soon after.

On the opposite side of the spectrum, Reo also shows how he can go from loving someone to despising him very quickly. After Chigiri and Kunigami tell him to get back up in the game post-Nagi's abandonment, we can literally see the switch flip in Reo's head:

Suddenly, he hates Nagi. Nagi's a jerk who abandoned him; he never cared about him, and he threw him away. Dude literally says "Let's kill the bastards that betrayed us". This act of unintentional devaluing is called splitting. What Reo's essentially doing is going from one extreme to the other: if Nagi isn't his perfect treasure, he's the devil that broke his heart. There's no room for a grey area. The reasoning behind borderline's developing this black-and-white mindset is rooted in self-defense. If Reo devalues Nagi into being nothing more than a traitor, then he's stripping away the power that Nagi has to hurt him. If he looks at him like a rival or a villain, it's protecting him from being hurt by Nagi again.

That doesn't mean that he genuinely believes any of this, more so, he's trying to convince himself that it's true. We see that at his core, the reason he's acting like this is because he's hurt. I'll go more into it later on, but he's constantly thinking, what does Isagi have that I don't? What do I have to do in order to win Nagi back? This black-and-white thinking is an automatic self-defense mechanism that I think he's doing subconsciously. Regardless, the shifting he's doing here can cause a little whiplash, which brings me to:

Varied or random mood swings + Problems with anger, including frequent loss of temper or physical fights:

I can’t think of a better way to describe Reo's temperament than the wiki, so let me quote it: "Generally, he seems to feel every emotion with full force and is extremely aware of his own faults and shortcomings, which is evident in several instances of painful breakdowns shown in the spin-off manga. Due to his high emotionality, he can even get violent when he loses his temper."

Reo is characterized as being emotionally unstable. When he's happy, he's elated! When he's sad, he's miserable. There are a ton of scenes between the manga and spin-off manga that show how fast his emotions can flip, but this one was one of my personal favorites:

In this scene, Reo has developed a little scheme in the dining hall where the guys are trading their side dishes. At face value, a throwaway moment. But, I think it's worth looking at because not only does this show Reo's emotional response being triggered in an opposite, semi-extreme direction, but the root cause for the reaction was that he felt rejected by Zantetsu. In his own weird way, he's asking Zantetsu to come over and hang out with him. He's not being exceptionally clear with that message, but I can still pick up on it. "You wanna join in, don't you?" He's extending the invite, making himself vulnerable, and Zantetsu shoots him down by saying nah, I'm fine with my noodles. Reo JUMPS on him like YOU KNOW WHAT? I TOOK THAT PERSONALLY! lol. Jokes aside, I think this moment is a great one to argue Reo's BPD tendencies because it's such a seemingly mundane interaction. Even Zantetsu is surprised by Reo's random outburst. This also sets up the fact that one of Reo's most obvious triggers is being rejected/abandoned/betrayed, an extremely common one between those of us with BPD.

Other instances of Reo having a bad temper are a lot more obvious. In the match against teams V and Z, Reo straight up elbows Raichi in the throat, and then tries to go throw hands with Kuon for hurting Nagi. He only stops because if he gets into any more fights, he’ll get thrown out of the game and won't be able to play with Nagi anymore. He’s visibly pissed though and calls Team Z a joke. Hell, even Reo himself can recognize on a certain level that he can't control his emotions: they control him. They cloud his judgment and make him react in ways that he wish he didn't.

He is constantly plagued by these extreme emotional reactions that are out of his control. Not to say that people with BPD are unable to ever control their emotions, because we can! It takes time and therapy and practice though, which Reo hasn't had. His lack of regulation is also why he has such a dramatic and extreme meltdown when Nagi abandons him.

Fear of Abandonment:

Reo's biggest trigger and the cause of his inner turmoil throughout Blue Lock is his fear of abandonment. I mentioned before that I think he's had this fear dormant inside of him for a while as so many borderlines do, since he hasn't had the chance to experience it before. He alludes to it early on when they first arrive at Blue Lock:

The thought of leaving Nagi for somebody else? Reo considers that heartless. They came together, after all. They're going to win the world cup together. Nagi could break both of his legs and Reo wouldn't leave him, because again, Reo isn't there to team up with the best player and become the best striker in the world: he's there to play with Nagi!! And, like I said, in Reo's mind it's him and Nagi vs everyone else-

Reo exhibits a lot of signs early on of being jealous while they're playing in Blue Lock. I mean, as we discussed, everything should be focused around him and Nagi. When Nagi passes to Zantetsu in the team V and Y match, Reo pulls up like 'hey, why didn't you pass it to me?? ):' There are a lot of little moments like that, but Reo's jealousy is a lot more relevant to my argument after he gets abandoned by Nagi.

Let's talk about that word: abandoned. It seems dramatic, right? Reo uses that term constantly and exclusively. Every time he brings that moment up, he uses the word 'abandoned', or he'll say 'betrayed' or 'chose'. These are very definitive words. He’s not saying Nagi ditched him or flaked on him or blew him off, no; he has abandoned him. That word choice may seem disproportionate to the situation, but that's Reo's reality. This was the ultimate betrayal to him. The constant use of that vocabulary reiterates that in Reo's mind, there is no grey area. Either Nagi chooses him, or he chooses someone else. In choosing someone else, he abandons Reo. Reo is paranoid that Nagi isn't ever going to come back to him and it's because of something that Reo is lacking. How can Nagi like Isagi more than him, anyway?

Now, I do fault Nagi a bit for not communicating better at that moment. I understand that he's bad at communication, but I don't think Reo could have been more obviously upset if he tried. The dude was in TEARS. Nagi saw him devastated and then expected everything to be fine when he met him in the bathhouse? Idk. I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt and say that he didn't realize it would upset Reo to such an extreme: maybe he thought that they would miss each other, but Reo wouldn't take it personally. I'm doing my best not to harp on Nagi since this is about Reo.

Abandonment is detrimental to people with BPD. It causes extreme inner turmoil that we see with Reo as the story progresses because it is the only thing he can think about. If he isn't trying to cover up his hurt feelings with this idea of revenge, he's self-destructing over being abandoned. He becomes obsessed with wondering why Nagi chose Isagi over him. Was there something wrong with him? Isagi isn't that impressive, why would Nagi rather be with him? These thoughts torture him endlessly and fuel his desire to 'steal' Nagi back. He literally says to Isagi, that he's going to steal Nagi back. Much to his dismay though, Reo starts to notice that Isagi is bringing out some positive traits in Nagi. Nagi's entire vibe is different with Isagi. Nagi is having fun playing soccer without Reo. In fact, he's having more fun. He's making plays he's never made before. His face is visibly different; he's more excited than before.

This is heartbreaking for Reo. Not only was he right that Isagi did have something to offer Nagi that he couldn't, but Reo is having a massive self-hate spiral during this point as well, so he's internalizing all of his flaws and mistakes while the thought is sitting in the back of his head: did Nagi actually have a good reason for abandoning me? Was I not enough to satisfy him? Did I only drag him down? This gets significantly worse the longer he watches Nagi and Isagi play:

Everything is falling apart. Nagi is doing completely fine without Reo, and Reo is an absolute mess. We're circling back to Reo's lack of identity here as well. He's watching firsthand that he's losing Nagi to Isagi: what does he do? What happens to him if he loses Nagi, who is he without Nagi? He's overwhelmed during this match and at one point Reo literally screams that he's going to tear apart their connection. Jealousy is consuming him, but it's also those feelings of inferiority and wondering if he really did deserve to be abandoned. If Nagi is so happy without him, maybe he really did have a reason. These are the thoughts that are circling around in Reo's head. Not to mention, he is constantly tortured by the flashbacks of Nagi leaving him, which I think is a great detail. Some readers might say it's just pointless recapping but I disagree, I think it's depicting how traumatic that was for Reo. As a borderline, being abandoned by your fp IS traumatic. Reo relives that moment so many times because so many things trigger it for him throughout Blue Lock. He can't even look at Chigiri and Kunigami without thinking about him and Nagi. It's a really devastating experience that quickly deteriorates him emotionally.

Constant feelings of worthlessness or sadness + Suicidal behavior or self-injury:

One of my favorite things about Reo is the fact that he is self-aware that he's behaving somewhat irrationally, but he doesn't know how to stop. When we look at one of the several times that Reo is curled up crying over Nagi, he mentions how he really did want to tell Nagi to go and have fun, but he didn't. He couldn't. The visuals shift for this too:

Reo doesnt want to be acting this way, but he can't help it, and that's frustrating to him. It makes him start feeling ashamed of himself. His inner thoughts start to spiral and he feels weak and alone. He's reflecting here on what his true feelings really were at that moment, and how scared and lonely and weak he felt as a result of Nagi leaving him behind.

These feelings quickly evolve into Reo feeling worthless and falling into bouts of self-hatred. He's so ashamed of the way he's feeling and behaving but it feels so out of his control. He says, "maybe if I hadn't gone to Blue Lock in the first place, I wouldn't have to experience this feeling." As I said before, borderline's feel things EXTREMELY intensely; the disorder is described as living with third-degree burns all over your body. Everything hurts. His feelings are so intense and all-consuming right now, it's all he can think about:

I saw some posts in the fandom reddit asking why Reo is acting like this. One in particular reads: "I get that he is betrayed and stuff but he is acting like it’s the end of the world, is it explained later why he acts like this? Is it because he doesn’t think he can win without Nagi?" Not to call this person out, I just want to answer the question in this post-

It has nothing to do with winning; it was never about winning. It was always about Nagi.

If we're looking at Reo through the borderline lens, it IS the end of the world for him. Nagi was his world. What's worse, he's fully aware that he's not acting rationally and he doesn't know why, which is making him feel ashamed and weak and embarrassed. Now I know why he's acting like this, but there are no Blue Lock psychiatrists sitting around to wack him with the mood stabilizers or the DBT handbook, so he's gonna stay feeling like a monster.

He lets these thoughts, along with the resentment and anger from being abandoned in the first place, fuel him for the second selection match. As he's watching the game play out, as Nagi is about to score the winning goal, Reo's mind starts racing with intrusive, negative thoughts.

He's praying that Nagi fails, that he gives up, that he stops trying, anything to stop that solidifying moment where he scores the winning goal and proves once and for all that not only was Reo not strong enough to stop him, but Nagi doesn't need him anymore. He catches himself really quickly, because he realizes he's sounding just like his parents. Everything is spinning out of control so bad, Reo wants Nagi to end up in a vulnerable position so that he isn't the only one falling apart. As he catches himself thinking this, he's disgusted with himself. He calls himself 'utter trash', and as he watches Nagi score the winning goal, he falls to his knees, wishing he was dead.

As he sits there decomposing in emotional turmoil and suicidal ideation, Nagi's team chooses Chigiri to join them, and it's the nail in the coffin. This is probably Reo's lowest point in the entire story IMO. Nagi comes up to compliment him on his plays and Reo shows us another classic borderline move: he's anticipating how bad it's going to hurt to be abandoned by Nagi again, so he's trying to push him away before it can happen. We see the dichotomy of his spoken words and inner thoughts here, where he's talking big game to Nagi, saying things like 'you clearly don't care about me anymore, you're throwing me away, if you're going to abandon me just do it properly', while internally he's thinking 'I'm the worst, I wish I was dead, please take this bait and break my heart so that I can self destruct in peace'.

i LOVE the visuals during this moment. This is what Reo thinks is his last line of defense, the last thing he can do to preserve any part of his dignity is to make Nagi hate him so that he'll stop throwing these crumbs of affection at him. It's also really telling that despite his switch in behavior and the devaluing of Nagi, the root of all of that is STILL that he was so hurt by the abandonment.

I don't think I need to analyze the suicidal ideation because he just straight up says he wants to die like three times in this scene but, aside from that, the visual of his inner thoughts vs what he's actually saying is so powerful. Not to mention the chameleon imagery which i'll geek out about in a second, this is another example of his black and white thinking along with the reiteration that being abandoned was literally traumatic for Reo: he says they can never go back to what they were before. Speaking as a borderline, this is painfully true. When people break my trust even in a small way, I can never view them the same as I used to. I can forgive them and let it go, but I'll never be as open with them as I once was. In Reo's shoes, he had Nagi up on this pedestal that he was perfect and would never do anything to hurt him, but he did hurt him (in the worst way possible).

After Nagi tells him he's a pain in the ass and that he doesn't care anymore, Reo thanks him for 'finishing him off'. In his mind, they're done now and he can suffer in peace and quiet without dragging Nagi down anymore.

Bonus Point: The Chameleon Effect

I LOVE THE FACT THAT HIS THING IS CHAMELEONS AHHHH

The chameleon imagery with Reo makes me INSANE dude. As I mentioned towards the beginning of this post, a part of borderline that is seldom talked about is the tendency to take on 'the chameleon effect', or mirror the people around them. REO'S ENTIRE THING IS CHAMELEONS LIKE BFFR ?? That image where he was trying to get Nagi to hate him, was before he even started using his chameleon style, it was just something the authors thought was necessary to include during Reo's mental breakdown. Aside from the cool imagery, his chameleon style is a reflection of his relationship with Nagi. He gets called a jack of all trades and a master of none early on in reference to how when he’s without Nagi, hes not really exceptional at anything. He never really took the time to master one specific thing because he was always so concerned with helping Nagi. This rings my BPD bell for a couple reasons: first of all, when you have no sense of identity and you’re worried it means you have no real personality ?? Steal one!! Take the closest person to you and copy that one. That’s something us baddies know VERY well. Also, think there’s something about you that your fp doesn’t like? Change it! You can morph into anything they want as long as it means they won’t leave you !! :*) Before he makes up with Nagi, he copies moves in hopes that it'll make him stronger and appear more desirable to Nagi. After they make up, he copies whoever he has to so that he can get Nagi to that goal and make himself useful, make himself somebody that Nagi wants to have around. It is a literal direct metaphor for him changing anything and everything about himself for Nagi and graaaahhhh it’s so cool

Reonagi ?? Some thoughts-

I want to close this yap session with my thoughts on Reonagi as a ship. I do think that they can work and I want to make that clear. I'm not on board with the 'borderlines arent capable of having loving and fulfilling relationships' crap. That being said, they both have to put in a bit of effort. Reo has already recognized a lot of his own issues. He admits that he was wrong for pushing his ideals onto Nagi, that he needs to let Nagi grow and be his own person, etc. Nagi really hasn't accepted any fault. I stand by the fact that Nagi needs to be more sensitive with Reo. Way too often when a relationship like this fails, all the blame is put on the one with borderline. I'm gonna be the outlier here and say that if Nagi cares about Reo, he needs to learn about Reo's triggers and be mindful of them. I'm not saying that since Reo is sensitive to abandonment that Nagi should just isolate himself from everybody else, but what I am saying is that when he's going to do something that doesn't involve Reo, he needs to learn how to communicate that he still loves and values Reo. "I'm gonna go play soccer with this person right now, but I haven't forgotten about our promise. When I come back, we can play together. I still love you and I'm not going to leave you for whoever tf I'm playing with rn." (sneaking that 'i love you' in bc like..they're literally canon at this point asdfghjkll) But, I do think that Nagi loves Reo and cares about him in his own way. The two of them just have to keep working on their communication skills. Nagi has the potential to have a hot rich husband who will literally bend over backward for him and buy him all the robux he could ever want, he's gotta put in a shred of effort!

I also like to think that Nagi didn’t totally get the fact that Reo doesn’t gaf about just playing soccer. Nagi thinks soccer is what they do together, it’s what makes reo happy, right? He’s always pushing him to train harder and take the game more seriously because he likes the sport, RIGHT? It would make perfect sense to go play with isagi so that he can get better at soccer and come back to reo a more improved player. Maybe that’s why he was surprised when Reo was so mad in the bathhouse, bc he wasn’t making the connection that Reo cares more about him than soccer. That Reo puts all that energy into him playing soccer because he thinks it’s something that they can have as their own, and once Nagi notices how good he is, he’ll start enjoying it and the two of them can hold hands and run around the soccer pitch!! I think Nagi missed that part tbh, and I don’t think he know that even now in the story. Maybe Reo doesn’t even notice it.

Anyway, a shameless plug to my reonagi playlist if that's your thing (i cooked with this one, i fear) https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5CsvSqmuI4cxOl1nTaV4GJ?si=737a0f21e0bd482a

Closing Thoughts:

Reo is a bpd baddie and I love him very much. I think he's a sensitive guy with a lot of feelings who would benefit from taking time to work through his trauma and his emotions. I hope that he eventually is able to build an identity for himself that doesn't involve Nagi, but baby steps, I suppose. I think Reo is a great balance of positive and negative borderline traits and he reads as a really believable and sympathetic character. He is, however, definitely that friend that you have to slap to stop them from running back to their ex.

Jokes aside though, BPD can be extremely hard to live with, even more so when it's undiagnosed and untreated. If someone you love has BPD, take the time to read up on it and do your best to understand them. I promise you, it will mean the world to them.

If you managed to get this far, thank you for reading! This was a messy stream of consciousness and I appreciate your support by listening.

#blue lock #reo mikage #reonagi #nagireo #nagi seishiro #bpd

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genolover · 1 day

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So I read @aughtpunk 's cotl forgiveness au in like 2 days and now I'm hyperfocusing on it. I just keep thinking of cute little things. Particularly between Shaun and kallamar. Aughtpunk probably shouldn't read this.

Like they have regular are-we-still-engaged chess matches. The first time kallamar wins, they regretfully tell the others the engagement is off. Most everyone is like, you were engaged?? How?? Since when?????? The next day they're engaged again. It great and not at all confusing. Pretty soon no one is sure if the engagement is even real or not. Don't ask kallamar, he's not 100% sure either. Like they play games to see who's responsible for the flowers or menu decisions but is it real? Half the group is sure it isn't until it's the night before the wedding and Holy shit this is actually happening wtf and Shaun is just so disappointed in them. Kallamar is too, right my love? Kallamar is like, yeah, I can't believe they doubted the seriousness of this situation. Internally he's screaming. Shaun also didn't think it was that serious but over time he got sick of people shit talking kallamar to his face so he was like, now I gotta marry him in the biggest most amazing wedding ever. I just gotta.

I also just like the idea that they would use games to settle most disagreements. They watch eachothers strategies and moods to figure out how serious they need to be. If it's a lighthearted thing then they joke the whole time and whoever wins, wins. Gg. If it's something more important to one than the other then they give a good game but let that person win since clearly this is a significant matter. If it's an important matter to both, they use the game as something of a distraction. I can't kill you for not understanding exactly where I'm coming from by magically reading my mind if I'm too busy trying to figure out if the move you just made is even legal. By the end of the match, whomever wins, it comes out as more of a compromise.

They do have this problem where if they don't have a clear goal for a game, it can escalate into terrible ends. Like Shaun makes a flirty double entendre about calamari, kallamar says something gross about cannibalism, suddenly its 3 am, they're in the kitchen with heket who is waaaay too happy about cooking some of her brother's flesh with the intention of giving it to his ex-fiancee to eat (shaun being grossed out by cannibalism made him lose), and questioning all of their life choices.

Oh and after wedding thought. Shaun asks narinder for a life flower (that what I've been calling them in my head). Narinder is grossed out but Shaun gives this whole speech about how they aren't gonna use it now, he just wants to show kallamar that he did notice that he wasnt sure how serious he was about the wedding but he is very serious about wanting to have this life together with him and growing their family together. Narinder does reluctantly give him a flower. Little while later kallamar asks for the same thing. His explanation is a little more based in logic. They've talked about children before and he's probably gonna be the one carrying them so it just makes sense for him to have the flower. Everyone is like aww they're gonna present these flowers to eachother and it's gonna be cute or something. Meanwhile kallamar is confirming that he and his husband aren't needed for anything else tonight and maybe the flower might work if brewed into a tea but eh it's better to not chance it and just. Fucking. Eats it. Right there. Infront of God (poor jake) and everybody. Did his husband see that? No, of course not. That would prevent any miscommunication drama. It's like, dude, did you guys plan on that or...? And kallamar is like, we've had some of the most important discussions about this already, I fail to see why we can't start trying now. And then he leaves to go spend his wedding with Shaun in private and now the whole family has no idea what to do with themselves. They did not need this information.

I also have thoughts for their kids. First set is twins. They are cute. They look like normal lambs just tinted blue. At first. They actually have tendrils they hide amongst their wool. They're also good at team hunting. If you see the both of them, it's safe. If you only see one, it's a distraction, turn around, you are being ambushed.

These are just fun little thoughts I had. Feel free to ignore me.

#cotl au #just some silly thoughts i had #not my au #cotl kallamar #cotl oc #i am so tired

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kthulhu42 · 2 days

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I worked for years with domestic violence victims and these people are exactly the same ones saying things like "Why are you helping her again? She went back after the last thing he did" because women are human beings with futures and choices they are allowed to make on their own.

My friend is an accountant. She works in a firm that is very much an "old boys" club. I don't understand accountancy, and I find it fairly dull. And hearing about the way her colleagues treat her, as if she was a secretary or "coffee-girl" makes me want to break things, while she puts up with it with a smile.

Her choices are not the ones I would make. My choices are *definitely* not the ones she would make. But we have mutual respect. We understand that we are individuals. I suck at math. She can't draw a stick figure. But we're great friends.

People on the internet need to understand that harassing others for their choices isn't going to undo those choices. It isn't going to make people think harder. It will only make you look like an asshole. I don't send threats or abuse over anon. There's no point to it, unless your only hope is to make someone unhappy. That's not feminism. That's not "Hey we as a society need to discuss pregnancy and the dangers involved and how women feel socially pressured into making these decisions". That's not discussing a social problem. It's harassing a single person.

#Can you imagine crying that your mum asked you “when am i getting grandkids?” and then taking your frustration out on some random #“I feel socially pressured! Now I'm going to take it out on YOU random Pregnant lady 398!”#Like you get that's what 12 year old bullies do right

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athena-willowthorne · 1 day

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ok I know I'm going to be drowned out as one of many and I don't want to be the guy feeding the public frenzy right now but I want to offer my thoughts on the watchertv situation.

I've been a fan of ryan and shane for almost 6 years. I got into them when I was around 12-13, and now, at 18 years old, they've occupied a fairly significant part of the last third of my life. I feel reasonably confident in saying I've watched everything they've ever made, from buzzfeed and watcher, and when they went out to found watcher, I was abundantly happy to welcome steven into my parasocial love for them. I feel like I've grown up with them, and going off to college next year, it was never a question in my mind that they'd follow with me. I mean, I bought their unsolved book the second it was announced, and I even snagged a ghost files shirt and a professor plush when he was rereleased. I took the professor to the lizzie borden house for my 18th birthday overnight, and wow was that an expense, but I've wanted to go ever since middle school when I stumbled across buzzfeed unsolved for the first time. in short, losing them is like losing a constant presence in my life, a cherished presence, no matter how ridiculously parasocial that makes me sound.

when I heard about watchertv, I was crushed. in the past couple days, I've jumped from betrayal to desperation to grief to bitter anger. but I think I've landed now in a place where those make more sense to me. I agree wholeheartedly with so many commenters on every platform right now. they're just like me, feeling let down and disappointed by the people we've idealized, and gotten used to seeing for free. but I also understand exactly how this idea came about, I know what it's like to feel backed into a corner on something, forced to make a hard choice where it feels like only a radical shift will save you. we as fans were there for the three of them, their dynamic. but their dreams don't match up. they want freedom to make what they want, and they feel passionate about growth to tv quality. that's what they're aspiring to, I do genuinely think that.

I won't sit here and go on about the different takes people have made about steven's masterminding or shane's reluctance. the bitter stuff that's been said feels very harsh. but I can't condemn the people saying things out of anger that aren't targeted. it's ok for them to feel upset. sure, maybe it sucks that it has to come out on a public forum like the internet but it's valid nonetheless. but on their end, that's got to hurt. I hope so dearly that watchertv succeeds, even if it has to change a lot to do that. a subscription service isn't what we want, but it's what they believe will let them make the quality content they want to. that's worth pursuing, and I care about them so much that I want them to go for it.

I hate that I can't follow them into this next chapter. and I'm sure a lot of other people are too, and however they choose to feel that is perfectly ok. but their creative satisfaction and happiness does not depend on me, and it shouldn't be limited by what I can or am willing to do.

anyway my heart goes out to them truly. I'll miss them in college, and probably forever, and hopefully our paths cross again. but even if we don't, I'm happy for the memories I was able to make, I hope every other upset fan feels the same way eventually too :))

#btw I will be spending my 6 dollars on palestine. I feel that that's a better use of my money lol #to every fan on both sides of the audience: stop infighting please everyone is feeling different things and we're all processing differentl #I will be a lifelong fan by the way nothing could make me hate them #I love steven lim !!! in case he hasn't been getting enough of that !! I don't care if he proposed the idea or not I love him !!!!!#I hope they're not stressing rn over damage control :((#anyway watch me post this and they address the whole thing tomorrow lol #watcher entertainment #watcher #ryan bergara #shane madej #ryan and shane #steven lim

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generalluxun · 3 days

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Looking at the episode listings now & Season 3 just gets more tragic, cos from Chloe's perspective its like this:

Mums back, but still hates me (Killed me) but hey I can be a super hero cos destiny, chance, choice whatever!

Oh no, I messed up being a super hero, was humiliated before everyone and... Well at least mom seems to like me now?

Followed with, well everyone hates me and I'm useless I might as well leave, oh gosh Ladybug thinks I can be good and useful & chose me!

Capped off with, I helped Ladybug and the rest of the team battle an army of Akuma, we almost defeated Hawk Moth and even had a team photo!

Like, yes I know you know all this, sorry, but like...

From her perspective at the end of season 2, she had zero reason to think she was not on the team.

Then its months of radio silence, rejections and battles at her door.

Still, she tries at times, like with Star Train, even if no one takes her seriously.

Then she's targeted by the villains & almost manages to defeat Hawk Moths second in command but is told she can't be hero anymore.

Followed very shortly afterwards by her parents declaring she only loves herself, attacking her and Ladybug choosing the only other hero with a known identity & then Hawk Moth ambushing her.

Again you know this, but it really does just emphasize the tragedy to me.

Now,

I am sure there will be someone who will go, "She's not owed a Miraculous" and sure, but frankly no one is owed super powers. Or, "Marinette is not obligated to help improve a girl who is always awful to her." Again, fair in concept, but here's the issue.

As I noted elsewhere, she already was chosen to use a Miraculous several times, as in sequentially there were no massive gaps that would give her the impression this would be a rare or one off thing.

Thing is, as only Ladybug is making these calls & chose her each time despite their history it is Ladybug's job to tell her that it was never going to last. Or at least order someone else too, or to have opted against choosing her again in the first place.

& as for Marinette, well again, she wasn't obliged to try and fix the family situation but she chose too. We can argue about whether it was in character to try, or the method she picked was out of character.

But within the context of the story, she did opt to insert herself into the this situation. It feels disingenuous to then turn around and say she can just divorce herself from it. If nothing else, she should maybe like... Tell an adult?

Like, its for sure a messy situation.

I'm not blaming Marinette for how messy it became but I do think its fair to note how this would look from Chloe's perspective without Marinette or our audience context. IE, her beloved idol who she's given adoration & obedience told her she could be a good & useful hero; then dropped her for months, & seemingly lied about why.

I also think its fair to note that regardless of whether it was the personally logical or morally right choice, Marinette did choose to involve herself of her own accord. Even suggesting involving Chloe could make her a better person! So people acting as though she's, at the very least, not involved at all is just feels disingenuous ya now?

The Season 3 finalé sets up so much for the folks who believe S4/5 was a retcon as opposed to plan. I don't think it was a retcon, but I DO believe it was a betrayal of the narrative before that point.

The S3 Finalé frames Chloé's fall *explicitly* as a tragedy. Fu uses the phrase 'Some lose hope' to describe her situation. Losing hope isn't an act of evil, it's an act of desperation and defeat. In a greater sense it is also framed as a failure of *Ladybug*.

Because no matter what people want to say about Marinette's duty to hep, *Ladybug* does have duties and responsibilities. On her watch a child was isolated and broken down over several episodes by Hawkmoth and Mayura. Season 3 starts the pattern of Ladybug failing with every Finale *Which is a very weird story to write!*

Now, the S3 Finalé would have worked as a low-point/mistake for LB to circle back to and address shortly after. Have her find out about Hawkmoth/Mayura's manipulation, about Queen Bee confronting Mayura and rejecting her. About her rejecting an akuma before anyone else. Have Marinette discover that things are not what they appeared on the surface (come on this is a classic theme for superheros!) and institute a process of mending fences. Ladybug grows from the experience, Chloé clearly will have growing to do too. In the end though the abused child is heard, and healing/help is given.

Instead they just went with 'nah ignore all the setup, Chloé is just evil, always has been, she is actually the abuser not her parents, and she deserves it.' (A statement Thomas wrote into S5E23 which was removed in production without his knowledge)

So yeah, no wonder people think it was a retcon. There's no world where the reality makes sense.

#ask #Miraculous ladybug #ml writing critical #child abuse is not okay

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i-guess-im-into-this-now · 21 hours

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The Apothecary Diaries

S1E12 First Watch

Here's where I watch The Apothecary Diaries for the first time and give my thoughts, analysis, predictions, and occasionally I stumble into a joke.

To start at the beginning:

Episode 1

Character/Location Cheat Sheet:

Sir Kounen- a formerly respected officer, who recently died

Verdigris House- a brothel that Maomao works for

Lihaku - the young officer that made a deal with Maomao

Every episode, I think Oh this is my new favorite episode. And this episode is no exception. I freaking loved this.

Oh Jinshi. The crux of your challenges has trapped you firmly, and you can't escape without making a monumental decision.

Everything in Jinshi's character arc has been leading to this moment. Will he choose to submit to the obligations of his station, or will he try to protect Maomao from this? Would she even want to be protected? Her sense of of responsibility may prevent her from wanting to escape punishment for this, but she's not personally guilty, perhaps she should be protected without her knowledge? Isn't this scenario exactly what Maomao warned could happen? That Jinshi would be powerless to prevent harm coming to Maomao?

Gaoshun offers to cover it up.

Gaoshun: We could conceal this if you wish?

Jinshi: Should I wish? Have I the right?

Jinshi's been able to get by without naming the emotions up until now. No, that's not right. I think he knows what he feels. But now he questions the appropriateness of those feelings. How deep do they go? What is he willing to do because of them? Should he even be having feelings for someone who hasn't indicated that she returns them? Does he have the right to act on her behalf when it's only him who feels this way? When she's said before that she wants to leave the palace what right does he have to keep her there?

Jinshi: Just or otherwise, if I say it, it's done.

He could do it. He could protect her from this.

Jinshi: I should just give the order. It would be such a simple thing. Conceal the facts. Keep her right here at the rear palace.

He's tempted to do it.

Jinshi: But what of will? Is mere compliance enough? How would she feel if she learned she'd been maneuvered to stay? In a place she loathes so.

Radical idea here, but he could ask her.

Got to appreciate that Jinshi is sparing a thought to how Maomao would feel about being maneuvered, as if he hasn't been doing just that throughout the entirety of their relationship. I'm glad he's realizing that it's not great behavior. Picked a hell of a time to learn respect, but here we are. We will have to watch and see if this lesson sticks.

Jinshi: I'm terrified of widening that rift growing between us any further.

Jinshi! You're so self aware! Good work!

I've thought for awhile now that Jinshi's main struggles come from external sources like the pressures of his station and expectations of this status. He seems to understand pretty well what he's feeling, and he even knows what he wants, so he's way ahead of a lot of other male leads. In this moment what he feels and what he wants is in conflict with what is expected of him. But he doesn't struggle for long with it, he's willing to defy those expectations. And what a thing to see. Jinshi just so easily lets go of the expectations of his position. He shouldn't even think about letting this girl go. The order to punish her has been given, there is no room for him to question it, it is simply his duty to fulfill it. But here we are. Very telling that. Instead, what he struggles with is: what is the best choice for Maomao. Is it better to protect her and keep her nearby or let her receive the punishment which, it sounds like would also free her from the palace?

And so he doesn't know what he should do.

Gaoshun: Master Jinshi. I thought she was just a convenient pawn to you?

Gaoshun.... you've been here the whole time, have you not been paying attention? At least listen to gossip if you can't read the room. Everyone knows what's up with these two.

That question does stop Jinshi though. He makes a frustrated sigh through his nose. No. Not merely a pawn. But the question does really force the issue: does Jinshi claim these his feelings? Even if he does, should he take them into account when making this decision? What is best for Maomao?

I do enjoy seeing him suffer.

Palace gossip! Mass lay offs! Anyone with any connection to Fengming's family is being evicted!

Maomao pieces together the problem right away. Oh poor Maomao! She's searching everywhere for Jinshi but can't find him! And she's in a panic. Her panic is making me feel panicky! I know she's worried about ending up in the brothel, and we've seen this from Maomao before. She's terrified that she might end up as a courtesan. To put this into perspective, Maomao walked into the Garnet Palace last episode, with her torso wrapped in stiffened cloth because she thought she might get slashed. And she didn't bat an eye to do that. The thought of serving clients as a courtesan is worse than the fear of death to Maomao. I'm not sure if there is more to this fear than we've already seen or not. It looks like a trauma response. That mixed with her fear of intimacy, and oof, that's a bleak future for Maomao.

Jinshi stopped in to the empty Garnet Palace. He's missing his mother. Perhaps, this is the type of thing they would have talked about, and he no longer has her to turn to for her guidance. He's so alone here, both physically in the pavilion, and emotionally, as he tries to make sense of his emotions and thoughts.

She found him! He seemed almost reluctant to turn around when he heard her call. He doesn't want to do what comes next. But he's not one to shy away from difficult conversations, even this one.

Jinshi: My how rare. You're flustered.

He tries a teasing greeting, a familiar way of relating to Maomao, maybe even a mask from him to hide the turbulence inside. Neither one of them is calm right now, even though Jinshi is doing a good job of projecting it. Maomao isn't interested in pretending to be calm, couldn't be calm even if she wanted to. She can't even form a sentence at first. Jinshi immediately drops the teasing and brings her inside to talk.

Maomao wants to know about the layoffs, if they affect her, if she's to be let go. And Jinshi hesitates in his response.

Maomao: So then, I'm to be let go too? Jinshi: ...are you?

Jinshi is letting his fear override his usually keen perception. He hears her question as hopeful.

I thought she was just a convenient pawn to you? No, she's more, he knows it. But he may be nothing more than a pawn to her. Jinshi doesn't think she returns his feelings, and if she leaves, she never will. He hears her say "I'm to be let go too?" and his heart breaks, she wants to leave.

I thought she was just a convenient pawn to you? No. She's not a pawn. She isn't something he can move around to his liking. He can't force her into a life she doesn't want. He has to let her leave.

Maomao: As Lady Gyokuyou's lady in waiting, I can ply my craft with both purpose and support. A lifestyle I cherish most dearly.

She loves living here. It is rewarding to be able to use her skills to help others. Her purpose is in how she can best serve others, and this position has allowed her to do that. She is proving her capability to herself by repeatedly succeeding on her own, rather than operating under the supervision of Luomen. This place has been good for her.

Maomao: But still, I'm just a lowly servant, I'm in no position to assert my wishes here. No matter what, I mustn't beg.

And just like Jinshi is caught by the crux of his own challenges, so is Maomao. Her worst fears about becoming a courtesan are about to come to bear, but she still can't find the self-worth to think herself worthy of asking for another path.

Maomao: My place is one of service. Should I remain then I'll be of use, from kitchen duty to food tasting. Whatever you want of me.

Jinshi considers it bitterly, whatever I want. He knows Maomao would agree to anything that Jinshi asks of her right now. If he were a different kind of man he could ask for any number of things, but none of it would be what he really wants, which is for Maomao to feel the same way.

Furthermore, she says "whatever you want of me." Yet she never says what it is that she wants. But Jinshi doesn't need for her to say that she wants to leave, after all she didn't choose this life. It was forced upon her. And who wouldn't want the freedom to make their own choices about how they should live their life? Certainly Jinshi can understand that. Whatever he wants. It doesn't matter here.

Maomao would do just about anything to avoid leaving the palace at this moment. She is so anxious as she awaits her sentence but won't speak a single word to try and sway Jinshi. To the man who always asks for her thoughts, she says none of them in this moment when it matters most.

And it's to the detriment of them both.

Jinshi: Fine then. I'll let you go.

He's letting go of everything here. He's not just letting her go from the palace, he's releasing his grasp on her. The control he has to maneuver her, the claim he laid when he gave her the hair pin, the friendship they have tenuously built up, everything. She's about to walk out of his life, and he's going to let her. He thinks this is what she wants...

Jinshi is too afraid to read Maomao, afraid of what he might see there, too wrapped up in his own pain and fear to see what her reactions reveal. He chokes back everything that's eating him alive and says he'll let her go. Which falls like a death sentence on Maomao.

A tragic miscommunication. 😭

I love what it means for the story though! Maomao is going to have to face her fears! And Jinshi... well, I just hope he'll be okay... He's had a series of major losses (Sir Kounen, Lady Ah-Duo, now Maomao). I'm actually a little worried here.

But this story was due for a shake up and Maomao has growth to do, and she's not going to do it without facing her trials. I don't write the rules, it's just how stories work!

Honestly I'm a little excited to see how she handles the debt to the brothel. I feel like her worst fears from episode 1 are about to come true. She's going to have to work at the brothel! Will Jinshi know? What will he do if he finds out? What will I do when I find out!

Oh Jinshi... is not doing well. Yeah, that wrecked him.

Gaoshun: How long do you intend to sulk like that.

That's... not a helpful thing to say. Jinshi is pretty depressed actually. And considering that he has taken hit after hit to his support network, he could really use a friend right now, not... whatever the fuck Gaoshun thinks he's doing.

Gaoshun: You could have ordered her to stay you know.

No, Gaoshun, you don't know. Jinshi has more emotional intelligence in his honeyed little finger, than you have in your whole being.

Gaoshun at least has been keeping tabs on what Maomao has been up to. We learn that she had a week to say goodbye and prepare to leave and then return to the Pleasure District. I wonder if Jinshi is also following Maomao's movements. I think he probably isn't. I think he really is trying to give her the clean break he thinks she wants. And really, wouldn't hearing about what she's been up to, just be more painful to him?

Lady Gyokuyou knows what this means to Jinshi and tells him he's made a blunder. "Blunder of the century," she calls it. God, I love her.

Wow somehow Gaoshun has managed to finally figure out that Maomao is not just a toy to Jinshi. I wonder what clued him in? Was it the utter heartbreak or the crippling depression?

Gaoshun: He only really let her go because he couldn't bear the thought of using her.

Yes.... that is correct! Good job Gaoshun!

Gaoshun is worried Jinshi won't get past this. He wants to intervene on his own. I knew he had a soft spot for Maomao! Or maybe he can't stand to see Jinshi in this state. I know it's breaking my heart. Either way I hope Gaoshun can do something! Because I'm pretty sure neither of these idiots are going to make the first move themselves.

Yup Maomao fell directly into the clutches of the Madame of Verdigris House.

She's got to go to a party outside the brothel at a wealthy nobleman's mansion. The courtesans are eager to give Maomao a glam up, and yeah she looks beautiful this way, but I wonder how she feels. She's not panicking, or being dragged to the party, so in some way she must have accepted her situation. She's always been adaptable in the past. It helps that she isn't expected to take clients of her own yet.

But it is on her mind. She list a bunch of courtesan's skills that she doesn't possess, and describes herself as "just an apothecary's daughter." We once again see her self deprecating thoughts. She can't understand what the Madame sees of value in her.

Why does the Madame insist that Maomao become a courtesan even without special skills? First of all, Maomao, may not see it, but obviously she's lovely. One only need to pay attention to the reactions she gets from those around her. She hears those compliments as meaningless flattery, and not as they are meant, which is earnestly. Second, Maomao is captivating. She's intelligent, and funny, insightful, and witty. She could charm the pants off of any client, if she were inclined to do so.

OMG, I'm excited for this party!

Maomao considers and rejects stealing. Lol. She does seem to struggle with impulse control. We've seen her binge drink before. And we've been told she can't be trusted with to be ethical with corpses. I'll add desire to steal to the list.

Lihaku came through with some of his connections to make this night happen. Awesome, he owes Maomao big time, so I'm glad he's able to do at least this.

Maomao decides to grin and bear her way through the night, as the courtesan's ply their skills to create an enchanting atmosphere.

Holy shit it's Jinshi! At the courtesan party! Yay!

Oh this is what Gaoshun arranged! He must have met with Lihaku to organize it. Good man Gaoshun. Way to maneuver Jinshi. Also, Gaoshun is finally on team JinMao! Took him long enough! I guess he just needed to know Jinshi was serious about Maomao. Gaoshun is captain of the of the ship today!

By the way, how the hell did Gaoshun get Jinshi to attend this party?! He so clearly doesn't want to be here. Is this like when guys drag their heartbroken buddies out to the club to try to cheer them up? Or does Jinshi often go out with the guys for a night on the town? Or to enjoy an evening with courtesans? I'm sure Jinshi is tons of fun at parties what with his taking pranks too far, and crying when drunk.

She frickin touched him! She did it herself! Is this an impulse she gave in to, or did she do it deliberately?

Jinshi wants nothing to do with some random courtesan at this party and asked to be left alone, until Maomao calls his name and he instantly reaches for her. She flinches back. There is a no touch policy. I wonder whether that's the only reason she pulls back. We saw in the last episode, that Maomao allowed Jinshi to hold her, and I wondered if that level of intimacy would last. Here these two are in a totally different environment, freed from the power inequality that existed between them before. She could allow him to touch her, if she chose to. Her excuse before about how he shouldn't touch her because of her class, doesn't work here. She's a courtesan, and he's a client. If she allows it, it's perfectly acceptable for him to touch her.

Jinshi comments on her makeup, but I think what he means here, is that he didn't recognize her because she looked so different, not that he has a preference of her with or without makeup. He asks why she is dressed the way she is, and is shocked to learn that she's working at this party. And yup, he hasn't been keeping track of her since she left the palace. He really did intend to let her go.

Maomao is somehow offended that Jinshi would think that she's taking clients at this party full of courtesans, after she just told him she's working here. It's a very understandable assumption for Jinshi to make, but she doesn't like that he thinks of her that way. She wants to be respectable in his eyes, even if she doesn't think she's worthy of him.

Jinshi wants to buy her out of here. No thought. Just offers it instantly. Good man. I do think he offers it with pure intensions, though, boy could it be taken with implications. Maomao mutters "actually that could work," and for a split second Jinshi thinks she's considering something he didn't mean to offer here.

Holy shit this is the realest conversation they've ever had and all it took was life altering circumstances and every possibility that they would never see each other again. A lot of the pretense between them has fallen away, because there is no reason to hold back their thoughts or emotions now. Maomao has already left the palace and Jinshi has no control over her here. She's free to interact with him honestly. And Jinshi, is hiding nothing. This is the most transparent I have seen him be with Maomao. Just completely open, with everything spilling out.

Maomao makes Jinshi laugh, when she says the only thing she missed while working in the rear palace was being able to dabble in poisons. And that is probably the first time he has laughed or even smiled since this lady walked out of his life over a week ago. You can almost see the weight lifting off him, as the conversation progresses.

It's such a beautiful scene, it's like the cloud of dread that has been hanging over both of them, is able to dissipate. Jinshi will help get Maomao out of here, and back to where she wants to be, and he'll have her close again, working in the palace. He really only needs the smallest drop of hope to motivate him.

Alone each of them struggles to face their separate challenges. Maomao with her crushing debt to the brothel, and the "sordid fate" she is desperate to avoid. Jinshi with his crushing isolation and loneliness. Together, they can easily solve each others problems. They work better when they work together.

The next exchange requires us to read between the lines but is so important:

Jinshi: Do people ever tell you, you're hard to read?

I'm sorry I misunderstood you.

Maomao: Yes. Routinely.

I'm sorry I didn't tell you what I wanted.

And just like that, they're friends again. This is the best.

And Jinshi, would really, really like to touch her now. She took her boundary down for him before, and now she's trying to put it back up. He's not having it. They've both worked hard to take down the walls between them, and he's not going to let her retreat just because she's scared. He keeps pushing her, until he gets a concession.

Maomao: And here I'd almost forgotten how persistent this guy could be.

It's something she likes about him. That he doesn't give up on her. That he pushes her to be brave and take chances. She sighs and acts like she's begrudgingly allowing him a favor, but I think she's actually nervous, and anticipative. It's not something she could ever ask him to do, and probably not something she would like to admit she wants from him. That he has been so persistent gives her the pretense she needs to indulge in it, without having to examine her own desires.

Woah.

Holy shit.! That was actually really hot.

Jinshi touched her lips with his fingers then he touched them to his own.

Damn, I love when characters do that. When they take a bite of food at the same place as the person of their affections. Or drink from a cup in the same spot. When you do it in front of that person, it's a declaration of a desire to kiss them. And the freaking eye contact right after. God damn.

Jinshi has no right being this hot right now, with that smudge of lipstick on his own lips. Maomao agrees. So does everyone at the party. Literally every courtesan in the room thought that was hot as fuck. Could there be any higher praise?

Of course Gaoshun is pleased! Freaking Gaoshun whose life just got so much easier, now that his boss isn't going to be sulking all week. Gaoshun who arranged this whole affair. Gaoshun the MVP, the GOAT, the KING. Thank you my man for saving the JinMao ship!

Maomao blanks out for the rest of the night, unable to think of anything but that kiss thing that Jinshi did. Most of the other courtesans are so, so happy for her (I'm not sure about the one in red). In their eyes Maomao just did something amazing. She so thoroughly enchanted a man in her first night of working that he offered to buy her out. None of them are jealous, none of them are questioning what he saw in her. They are just so very happy for this girl they adore.

We see her later, back in Verdigris house, she's freckle free and feeling mostly okay about it. We aren't seeing the anxiety that we did before. She still thinks it's a good idea to paint them on her face, because altering her appearance does offer her more protection, but it seems like her motives for wanting to do it are shifting slightly.

Maomao ponders the quirks of her strange fate. And how much things have changed in the year or so that she's been at the palace. She's worried about the people in the rear palace. It's where her heart and mind keep straying.

The Madame asks Maomao what she plans to do from now on. And that is the question isn't it. She'll have to pay off Verdigris House of course, but she already knows Jinshi will help her with that. Will she have a debt to him for this? She will probably see it as such, regardless of how Jinshi sees it. They didn't exactly go into details when they were discussing Jinshi buying her out of her contract, but it sounded like Maomao was planning on working off that debt at the palace. I get the feeling that this won't be like before, where Maomao was an indentured servant. Where she was forced to do whatever was asked of her. I think she'll be offered a job as a free agent. An employee with a lot of debt, but not one who is owned by the palace. But is this what Maomao wants? She loved working as Lady Gyokuyou's food taster. Will she be able to return to that position after just being expelled from it? Will Jinshi offer her a totally different job? Maybe there is something she is even more suited to, that she will enjoy? Somewhere in the palace that she can still practice medicine. Regardless, we know Jinshi will seek her help in the quandaries that fall to him. Also, will her new position in the palace give her a chance to visit the mysterious "annex?" I'm not giving up on that until this show explains it!

Maomao: It's not as if the Rear Palace and brothels are really that different.

Again comparing the two places.

Maomao is at her father's home, and can't sleep. Maomao is pondering what she wants. She may really have some latitude to choose her path now. She could just stay at her father's home. She could help in the garden, continue to learn medicine from him, slowly take over his apothecary trade. It's the path she thought she wanted in the beginning of the story.

She's back where she started this story but she's not at all the same.

But now she's seen a different path. She loved her work in the Rear Palace. There were people there who relied upon her, and it felt really good to be needed and wanted. There are people there that she cares about. Should she really walk away from them?

Maomao: The difference between a brothel and a palace is ornamental. It's a garden and it's a cage.

We see Maomao in the snow covered garden. It's Winter, the snow blankets everything. It's a time of rest and reflection. A time to prepare for the spring that will come. Maomao reflects on a series of images that took place over the last year, perhaps she's reflecting on her role in each of the scenarios, ways she was able to be of help to others. She has the agency to choose her place now, so where will she choose to plant herself this Spring? Where will she grow and blossom? Which garden will she allow to cage her?

And of course Jinshi came for her. Was there ever any doubt? He brings a fortune with him to pay off Maomao's contract. I'm choosing to believe that he far over paid because Maomao is worth a great deal more than any debt she owed. And Jinshi, god he's so thoughtful and brilliant for this, he brings her a rare herb. She knows what it is with a glance and now she's just as happy as the Madame. He really pays attention to everything, and knew precisely what would make a perfect gift for her. A gift he didn't have to bring. A gift that is so well done, that it changes what is the disreputable business of buying another human being, into something else entirely. This is much more like a bride price, given by a groom to the family of a bride. Not that I think that is what is happening here, but the significance of the gift changes the implications of this moment.

This episode seems to revolve around choice. Specifically for Maomao. Small choices like, should she allow Jinshi to touch her? And big choices, like what kind of life will she choose for herself? Whereas in the first part of this series, Maomao adapted to whatever situation she was thrown in, now she can do what she wants. But that requires her to know what she wants. And that requires self-reflection and honesty. Vulnerability. Which is something Maomao consistently struggles with. I'm so interested to see what she chooses.

To start at the beginning:

Chapter 1

Next Episode:

Coming Soon!

#the apothecary diaries #apothecary diaries #maomao #jinshi #jinmao

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welcometogrouchland · 2 years

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SPOILERS FOR THANKS TO THEM (obviously)

hello i was reading this lovely post (by @lollytea) that gave a good breakdown of the writers intent behind this scene, and i thought to myself “gee, i love it all in concept, but i wonder if they could’ve executed it better by emphasizing all of the things hunter’s fighting for in the actual moment itself?”. then i remembered that i have the power of editing, and made this! complete with the cheesy white vignette toh likes to stick on flashback scenes that i love jgvhnfchgfc

#the owl house #toh #thanks to them spoilers #toh spoilers #hunter noceda #hunter toh #do...do i tag the others?? idk there's a fair few characters in this scene #anyway yeah this technically isn't like. seamless (ideally the clips wouldn't go over footage of bunter actually doing stuff-#-and would instead like. come between those bits but then i'd have to loop the soundtrack more than i'm confident doing jgvhgv)#i DID have to loop it a bit for the very last series of flashbacks and even though i think i pulled it off really well #it was a bit of a pain <3 #i noticed that earlier in the episode there's like. a whooshing sound? when luz thinks abt belos in hollow mind and we flashback #so i figured i'd keep that in as well #it was hard though cause so many scenes were right smack dab after each other and i didn't want the effect to be super noticeable #until the end at least #yeah #also s/o to magnus for telling me to add in hunters voiceline of ''i like who i am right now'' w/ an echo effect #inspired choice #undescribed #sorry about that again- i have no clue how to describe videos #if anyone wants to take a crack at it i'd be eternally grateful #this is also probably a terrible time to post this but i do not care. it is not my fault i am on gmt

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stars-and-darkness · 2 months

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#girl help i thought it was a good idea to reread the comments on my elena-centric fic #and the bad takes on her character will be the end of me #*pats elena's head* i'm so sorry babygirl dw i love you sm you have no idea #me: *writes a fic that's all about how elena is self-centred and selfish but also extremely caring compassionate and kind*#*and how those don't automatically exclude each other but make for an absolutely fascinating character*#*then explains all my choices in an extremely long author's note*#some people: ugh elena is so horrible and evil bc she didn't *checks notes* let klaus use her as a blood bag to enslave werewolves #honourable mention to:#elena is the literal devil for falling in love with damon who raped and abused caroline #but caroline falling for klaus who killed and terrorised elena and many of her loved ones is something elena isn't allowed #to have negative feelings about???#like ... they hurt each other with these choices. and that's fine.#whether the route we want to take is them breaking off their friendship over it #or learning to live with her friend's choice of boyfriend or dumping the boys completely and going off into the sunset together #let's just ACKNOWLEDGE that it's a fucked up situation and that that's what makes interesting #UGH i have too many feelings about the vampire love triangle show #ella originals

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navree · 2 years

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i’m sure someone’s already talked about this but i’m tipsy and rewatching the first episode of hotd and i don’t wanna say i liked it, cuz i didn’t like anything about that scene, but i did appreciate that aemma defies the tropes we see a lot of the time in media when women have difficult pregnancies and deliveries where it’s always “save my baby over me” that without fail happens every single time. but instead, aemma is very very clear on the fact that she’d really rather not be in the position she’s in right now, and when the men around her make the unilateral choice to perform a caesarean to save the baby at the expense of her life, she doesn’t do the Fictional Lady thing of lying back and saying she agrees, she’s fucking horrified and fights against it after having spent the majority of her screentime reaffirming her autonomy as a person, as more than a human incubator. and never submits to it. she doesn’t just accept the idea that her life has ceased to have value and that she should accept dying (in a brutal and horrible way), she very clearly wants to live and that choice is being actively taken away from her.

#personal #house of the dragon #yeah i think this is wildly incoherent but i've had a couple kir royales #but the point is i do appreciate that we're getting something other than the constant 'it's fine if i die but The Baby Must Live' thing #that we CONSTANTLY see in any fictional pregnancy #like this isn't about real life when that choice actually presents itself that's a very nuanced topic #that i am not qualified to discuss as i've not been in any facet of that situation #but in fiction it is literally always just long suffering women smiling and saying that they will gladly die #for The Baby To Live #and it's not a bad thing to see a woman who wants to put herself first and wants to be able to live and enjoy life #and is terrified and furious at the idea that she needs to die in order for The Baby To Live #and refuses to accept it as something that needs to be done and fights it as much as she can #i mean it's still a horrifying scene and until the season ends i'm going to avoid judgments on how much of the feelings i have about it #are intentionally put there by the writers and how much is just 'this is still a show made by a man and a network that'#'has already shown to have an almost perverse level of enjoyment for the brutalization of women when it comes to this specific franchise'#but this bit was........not good but at least smth i can nod my head at #anyway i hope rhaenyra finds out what viserys did and beats his ass

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selfinflictedgunshotwound · 2 years

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ATTENTION: BRAINDEAD POST INCOMING

i'm gonna marry him i swear to god. I promise. no kidding

#his 80s cary elwes-esque slay w the moustache WHYYYYYYYYYY i am in agony.#i think there was just something about 2021. prophetic dreams were abound and we all fell in love w someone who greatly impacted us forever #i still believe there's smth special about him and i can't let him go 😐 the nature of the dream and everything and the fact that i knew IT #i sowwy for being insane but i do believe he's my special little guy. him havin a gf literally changes nothing. whoops! 🤷‍♀️#god i have a problem i think i need to be on anti-psychotics but idc. i'm just remembering how i was sayin i was happy abt him reading my #comment and saying good night to me and i called him 'my beloved streamer' and people were callin me parasocial for that and yet #a bitch who's been his fan for over half a decade who ends up dating him ISN'T parasocial? the hypocrisy of everyone being kind to her #while getting angry at other for being attracted to him and genuinely caring for him just like i'n sure she did. i hate alllllllll of you #i never felt like life made sense more than when i was obsessed w him... sigh #ironically i think want someone to tell me that i'm being crazy just so i can tell them to fuck off. it's not like i don't know or that i #enjoy being like this but i feel like a have no other choice? it's odd but it feels like my purpose. this is my rock to roll up the hill #my track record for this sorta thing isn't good but i'm trying to be better. just once i wanna be loved by someone i love heh... 😔#he feels like the final one fr. the last in a line of total failures #god it's a miracle anyone puts up w me ngl LOL there's smth deeply wrong w me i don't think is fixable #not to quote astrology like it's gospel but the stars decided i was supposed to fall for someone in the public eye so. it only makes sense #that this keeps happening to me i guess. i'm just fuckin retarded no need to be concerned #anyways SCHIZOPOSTING OVER! back to whatever the fuck else i can use as a diversion so no one reads this (even tho no one gaf)

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lord-squiggletits · 1 year

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Also idk if I can elaborate on this in beautiful enough detail, but I think that the Autobots going through unreasonable amounts of effort to save other people even at great personal cost to themselves is literally something good about them, and if you try to criticize that as a way the Autobots are “bad” then I really don’t get you.

#squiggposting #how do i say this without overstepping on experiences i don't have #in the real world when people do things like emergency services or whatever... the foundation of that type of work #is to do something objectively dangerous and risky to yourself on just the bare chance of saving others #there are a lot of safety regulations-- everything from just day to day use of equipment #to entire protocols that emergency services and other people use #whose entire purpose is 'we need to go above and beyond'#'so that we know beyond a shadow of a doubt we have done everything we can do to protect others'#and like that's the principle that the autobots embody. and it's not just a story thing #that's something that happens in real life too. in real life we valorize people who didn't have to do everything they could to save other pe #people but did it anyways. you know???#like the point isn't to say 'if you don't kill yourself to save others then you're a bad person'#the point is to say that we valorize people who DO go above and beyond because they embody the greatest standards of care and selfishness #so like for example yeah the autobots often protect organic species at great tactical loss and personal danger to themselves #but it's because the principle of equality and protection guides them such that they believe this is a noble pursuit #because it is. it is noble to do what's difficult and inconvenient to save other people without expecting recognition #and also in a way it's just the morally and philosophically correct thing to do? like if your choice could possibly do harm to someone #the moral response is to go 'maybe i shouldn't do that because i don't want to hurt people for my own ends'#not for you to go 'well i might NOT hurt them by accident there's only a chance of it so i'll just keep doing my thing'#people who disregard others because 'it's probably not going to hurt them' or 'it's not my problem if they get hurt'#are not people that we would generally call admirable or morally correct #and i think the existence of so many safety and ethical standards IRL proves this #because people/society as a whole know that we have a duty to be SURE that we don't hurt others even by accident #and we have a duty to check whether people might get hurt by accident even if we're 100% sure that no one will get hurt.#it's like fucking checking your windows before you reverse your car. yes you already looked once so there's probably no one behind your car #but it's the responsible and moral thing for you to keep checking your mirrors for the 1% chance that there IS someone #sorry for ranting

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ftmob · 18 days

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sometimes i feel a little bit bad about ehirposting constantly but 1) it's what lan would have wanted and 2) hilariously lan is in fact a man of greater mystery than ehir, who just doesn't want to talk about himself

#op #me op #it's not that ehir ISN'T hiding things or doesn't have shit he doesn't want to get into remotely at all but like.#he will cop to or explain things if pressed. lan will not do that. lan may actively lie.#whole book is figuring out what the hell is going on w ehir meanwhile lan is standing there just not addressing any of his own stuff at all #i do wonder how long it will take people to notice this. guy focused on absolutely everything except his own problems.#some of the later chapters are so funny because lan is like :) anyway‚ and talking about. the weather #when. hm. hey man. are there not. other things going on. you want to comment on that??#:) no. <3 #we figure out ehir's backstory along the way and then lan straight up asks about it in the palace #meanwhile he's tactlessly like I LOST SOMETHING ONCE during that conversation and just never mentions anything about his past again.#buddy you were so close. why did you do it like that though.#hm. ok so this is now getting into the territory of #*s #ehir dying is not just about ehir's refusal to acknowledge his own agency or lack thereof it's also the same thing for. lan #guys who chronically just CANNOT do their own thing so hard one of them dies and the other one [REDACTED]#that actually doesn't even fix it lol. they explode and then explode at each other and go off in opposite directions #and then. well that's certainly more spoilers i want to post anywhere. but that. they do those things.#sorry pals you narrative foiled so hard you're a mirror and its reflection and neither of you want to think about which might be which #anyway #many funny choices made by me. if i do say so myself.

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exoexid · 1 month

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the suyeol lore is so crazy

#their relationship is so interesting to me like aoughhhh #like you see subaek and even tho they don't talk a lot on camera (most of the time) those two get along so well #they understand and respect each other so much they take their job very seriously and they're actually good friends as a result #suyeol on the other hand is 12 years of slowburn like it's crazyyyyy #you admire him and believe in him like no one else does and then you discover that he isn't that great actually #so you get disappointed and distance yourself and then you both are in this weird limbo for years as you grow up #and slowly but surely you rediscover how your relationship works because both of you are adults now and now we're here #like yeah suhito was stressed back then the context was not great for a leader AND tao was still with exo so lmao pcy could fend for himself #so i get ittttt they were going through it but. i need to know what he said to pcy like oh my god was it really that bad 😭#i wonder if they've ever mentioned it 🤔#writing this bc i just remembered that one time they had to describe e/o and suho was like #“you're my cute dongsaeng i admire your talents so much and oh btw you're not uncomfortable around me these days right? uwu”#LIKE ??? KING YOU CAN'T SAY THAT AND LEAVE US IN THE DARK #(<- they totally can it's not our business lmao)#idolization to tentative ''''enemies'''' to coworkers to friends to good friends is crazy #i need to look into this properly omg let's do some research #anyways i want a subunit :) they can be called exo sc too sehun won't mind bc these are like his favorite people in the world!!!#idk i find the exos and their bond so interesting because you truly have it all with them there's a whole spectrum of friendships #and i appreciate that it's not like with b*s & taegi (if you don't know who they are... let's keep it that way <3)#because those two were just too different to get along. it was extreme. but bighit forced it so much it was painful to see sometimes #and then the hawaii trip came and they painted it like a ''see? after this trip they get along so well now <3'' moment #1. girl let's be serious for a sec 😐 and 2. it's not our business!!!!! focus on making good music!!!!!#i'm so glad exo didn't have to go through something like that bc i just know that they'd have disbanded by now sjfsifjsk #the saranghaja sprite isn't that intense we lovr freedom of choice (keeping in mind that they were under sm) <33333 #so YEAH. can you guys tell i can't sleep hehe :)#dara.t #suho and chanyeol

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ambrosiagourmet · 3 months

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I want to talk about why I think this is the one of the most important Falin panels:

So, Falin is really nice, right? It's one of the first things we really learn about her. She's kind even to the monsters of the dungeon - choosing to ward the party rather than fight spirits and cause them needless harm.

In the above early flashback in chapter 11, we see Marcille fawning over Falin's kindness, calling her an angel. Namari calls her soft-hearted. We see Falin choose not to fight even when a zombie attacks - instead she resolves the confrontation with a hug. After the flashback, the first thing Senshi says is that Falin "sounds like quite the person," which Marcille strongly affirms.

At this point in the story, all we have seen of Falin are these impressions; she is a healer, an angel, a caretaker with an infinite well of kindness towards everyone she meets - both friend and foe.

And honestly, that remains most of what we have to go by to understand her. The only times we get to see Falin on the page, alive and just herself, are in the opening and closing pages of the story and in the brief period of time after she is resurrected.

Nonetheless, we do have some more details to work with. For one, there is the scene that The Panel is from - a short memory in chapter 75, when Marcille flashes back to while she's dying. In that scene, Falin prepares to teleport them all out, and says that she's sorry "if there is a person at [their] destination." And that's when we get The Panel.

If you teleport someone or something into another person, the person teleported into is likely to be, at minimum, severely injured. They could die.

We can see a lovely little horrifying example of exactly why in one of the Daydream Hour doodles:

So, hmm. That's not... that's not SUPER nice. Certainly not displaying the same "kindness to all, friend and foe included" we saw represented earlier. On a basic level, this adds some nuance to Falin's kindness. We see it break a little, when pushed to the limit. We see her chose to protect the people she loves above all else.

Which makes sense! As Laios says when the Winged Lion accuses him of similarly being motivated more by his friends' safety than everyone else in the dungeon, "...most people, aside from virtuous do-gooders, would feel the same way."

So, we can take The Panel as simply showing a moment of weakness for Falin. A time when she was pushed to her limits, and that "most people" selfish side of her shone through.

However... I think there's a little more going on with Falin than just her being an angel 99% of the time, except just that once. I love The Panel because I think it helps us understand that Falin isn't just motivated by kindness - she also has a desire to avoid seeing people in pain.

Isn't that the same thing?

No, no it very much is not.

Let's look at a short comic from the Falin section of the Adventurer's Bible, because I think it illustrates this point perfectly. The group is complaining about how much Marcille's healing hurts, and comparing it to Falin's, which "doesn't hurt a bit." Marcille retorts with the following:

Now, the punchline of this comic is that, despite Marcille's sentimental assertion that she's "thinking of [them]" by letting her healing magic hurt, they all still prefer to be healed by Falin.

But hey, this wouldn't be the first time that Dungeon Meshi hides a very real character beat or insight in a gag, so let's think about this somewhat seriously.

If Marcille is right (and she knows a fair bit about magic, so we can assume that she has at least somewhat of a point), then what Falin is doing isn't kind. I suppose if someone specifically requested to not feel the pain, it could be kind, but that's not really what happened here. She is the one who felt badly about the others being in pain, and she is the one who decided, without telling them or giving them a choice in the matter, to take away that pain.

Both Marcille and Falin are healing the party, but Marcille is doing it in a way that accomplishes the task in the most straight forward way, without any additional interference. Falin is going out of her way to perform the healing in a way she is more comfortable with. A way that avoids pain.

Going back the The Panel, I don't think its a coincidence that the only time we see Falin (well, non-chimera Falin) willing to do something that could hurt someone is when any potential pain will be far away from her. If she got someone hurt or killed by teleporting the party to the surface? Not only would it be far out of her sight, but she'd be dead before she had to deal with any consequences of that action.

Falin is not a confrontational person. She doesn't push when Marcille won't tell her the truth about the resurrection, and she comforts Laios about her own death - both of those things happening in the only full chapter she is alive and conscious in the whole story.

We also know that she considered accepting Shuro's proposal, despite not having any special feelings towards him, and that Falin never explained to Marcille that she wanted them to share a meal together. When she brought Marcille various foods at the academy, she just accepted Marcille's confused rejection and gave up.

And lastly, we know that she is still in contact with her parents, despite the neglect and abuse she suffered at their hands. Although the way someone chooses to handle contact with abusive or bad family is a complicated topic, which I don't want to overly simplify, I do I think this fact gets at the heart of how she handles conflict.

So many people that Falin loves have hurt her. There are understandable hurts, like Laios leaving the village, or Marcille not understanding the food. And there are bigger, far less justifiable hurts - like her parents neglecting her throughout her childhood, and sending her away to be alone at the magic academy.

It doesn't seem like Falin has ever confronted any of it directly.

And the unhealthy aspects of this kind of avoidance of pain and confrontation is one of the things that the story of Dungeon Meshi is all about. We see Laios grapple with it before he goes to kill Falin, and we see Marcille acknowledge it at the end of the story, when she tells Laios that she has come to terms with Falin's death:

Eating is a part of life. Consuming other living things is a part of life. It isn't really possible to avoid that pain - you can only hide from the truth of it. You have to be selfish everyday. You have to eat - to choose to live. To choose to take up space.

And this is something Falin embraces, too. She comes back to life, after all.

We see her choose to come back to life.

And how does she make that choice? She eats. She consumes, and then she is asked a question by the manifestation of hunger itself:

Do you want to eat more?

There is a double meaning in the Winged Lion's final words on the next page.

When I first read this, I took it as him saying: life is cruel. You will suffer. You will feel more pain.

But perhaps, especially for Falin, this also means: you are choosing a path where you must cause pain. Where you must consume. Where you must take, and must be selfish. Because eating is the special privilege of the living, and it is their burden, too. In order to stay alive, she will need to keep eating.

And she chooses that. Chooses to be selfish. It's why her resurrection scene is so important, and it's why The Panel is so important. Because Falin coming back isn't the ultimate reward for all of the party's hard work.

It's her choice. Just like it was her choice that started everything in the first place. But this time, she doesn't choose to accept causing pain for the sake of Marcille and Laios. She does it for her own sake.

#dungeon meshi #delicious in dungeon #falin touden #dunmeshi analysis #I love it when dungeon meshi says. the trauma was real and it changed you #and the way you are because of it isn’t anything to be ashamed of #but you have to keep living. you have to chose to keep living.#and you can #dungeon meshi spoilers

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