#this isn't part of the spring challenge week I just wanted to finish it for fun

[bjornswoman]

Nemesis's wish

Author's note: Hello everyone! I'm back with this fic which is my favorite so far. It was supposed to be shorter but eventually it couldn't, so this isn't the end about these two characters. This fic is the first of a trilogy (hopefully). Anyway, thank you for your support and till next time stay safe and have fun.

Pairing: Ubbe x Reader.

Genre: Mini!series, drama, angst, slight romance.

Summary: You were forced to marry a man you despise.

Warnings: Mentions of cheating and pregnancy, mentions of divorce, jealousy and strong language.

My enemy and me masterlist |

Life had always been a challenge for you. And your wedding couldn't be any different. The worst part of it was that your husband, the man you were supposed to spend the rest of your life with, was horrible and you hated him.

Well, horrible wasn't a word people would use to describe Ubbe Ragnarsson. They preferred to call him loyal, reasonable, honorable and names like these, but for you he was horrible. A man you were forced to waste your life on his bloody side.

Your relationship was almost non-existent. Ubbe tried to have a deal with you or even approach you somehow but you wanted nothing with him. So he was never around the house.

You knew that he had affairs with other women, something that he had never admitted. It worked for you until you were with child. His child. It was a miracle that it happened. You almost couldn't believe it but it was the truth. After all, people were talking about you two and this child came to end the rumors around your marriage.

You hated Ubbe but you loved more than anything and anyone in the world your son. He was blonde and his eyes had the same blue as his father's. He resembled him a lot but you didn't care. Your baby was so peaceful, unlike his father and his brothers who were always too loud.

Thankfully for you, most of the year he was not around the town, because he was raiding in the spring and was back in the winter. The unlucky part was that winter was approaching and that meant that Ubbe would be back within some days.

It was like your son had notice your moody self all these days and he was upset as well. He would cry all time and he wouldn't sleep easily, like usual.

Your hands were wrapped around the toddler and you brought him on your lap trying to calm him down.

"Come on baby. Relax please. Just do it for mummy please." You muttered to your son as you tried to calm him down. You stood up from the bed, walking through the room holding the baby on your hands.

You didn't understand that somebody was watching as you were whispering to your son his lullaby. The one you sang every night. The one which could only calm him down, but lately even this specific one couldn't work on him.

"Here, give him to me. He will be delighted when he will see me." Said the guy coming out of the shadows, scaring you so much that you clenched the poor baby on your breasts. You turned your face and saw the person you didn't want to see at all.

Ubbe was standing next to you waiting to have his son. You wouldn't let him lay a hand on him, but you did when you saw the little boy smiling at the sight of his father.

"I thought you wouldn't be back until next week. You came quite early." You were saying as you were placing the boy on his hands. When the baby was on his hands, you took some steps away and placed your hands in front of your chest.

Ubbe's blue eyes were on his son smiling and playing with him. When you finished talking, his eyes left the baby who was almost sleeping on the hands of his father and turned to you. Eyes as blue as you had never seen them before, as beautiful as never before. Or you had never noticed them like that before.

A smirk formed on his face before he started his own words.

"Much to your displeasure, we managed to raid the Christian cities in less time and we decided to come back before the first snowflakes fall." He replied to you and left the sleepy baby on its crandle. The direction of his face returned to you and he placed his hands before his chest, as you did before. You were looking at each other for some seconds without talking, but Ubbe was the one to break the silence. "I didn't think that you would be here when I'd be back home. I was expecting you to take the boy and disappear." His voice was softer than before. Probably because the little boy was sleeping peacefully inside the crandle.

You chuckled when you heard him talking. You were asking that same thing to yourself. You could do that. After all, you were thinking about that all of the months of your pregnancy. You even tried to scheme, but you ended up doing nothing.

To be fair, life wasn't that bad next to Ubbe. At least lately it was quite better and after seeing him back safe and healthy you felt happier and quite more relieved than before. You couldn't find the reason behind all this. The only thing you knew for sure was that you felt strange.

"I thought the same thing, but it wasn't easy to run away when your mother had her guards watching me like hawks." You replied smiling and he smiled as well for a moment. Then, his eyes went darker. The darker shade of blue that you had ever seen in your life.

"I'd never let you go anywhere with my son. You could run away, go wherever, but little Ragnar stays here with me." His words were harsher than any other time before. You felt yourself getting confused. Ubbe had never talked this way to you before this night. He would leave this house and wouldn't talk to you. When he did talk to you he was kind most of the times. He moved closer to you and one his hands made it on your chin.

You moved away from his grip on your face and looked at him all mad. For one moment you thought that you could feel something else than hate and anger for him and he had to destroy these feelings.

"Command your men, not me. And don't be so sure that you will find your son here tomorrow when you would come back from your whores." Your words came out of your mouth like they were drops of poison. You could see his face transforming again. He went mad. If eyes killed, you would be dead by now. If Ubbe was another man, you would be dead by now.

His hands grabbed your neck and he pushed your body on the wall behind you using his own one. You were trapped between him and the wall with his hand around your throat. He could kill you if he wanted to. You were right there at his mercy looking at him angry like before. Looking at him like you weren't afraid of what he could do to you.

"I could kill you for that and nobody would guess it was me." Ubbe whispered to you. His angry eyes were burning your face. You didn't hold back. Your eyes were looking straight at his eyes.

"Go on then." Your voice came out as a whisper due to the pressure on your troat causing by his larger hand.

"Don't test my patience, woman." With that last whisper right above your left ear, Ubbe set you free from his strong grip and walk to your shared bed. He laid on it.

"My name is (Y/N)." You were saying within pauses as you were trying to catch your breath.

"I can recall your name."

"Then use it when you are referring to me!" You raised your voice this time, forgetting about the toddler sleeping next to the bed.

Your son's crying came right after your yelling. You rushed to him and grabbed him from the crandle before Ubbe could touch him.

"You hate me so much that you didn't even care for our son." He said as he sat on the edge of the bed, watching you holding and trying to calm down the crying baby.

"That's not true!" You whisper–yelled looking straight at Ubbe. "This boy is the best thing that has happened in my life since the fucking day I was forced to fucking marry you!" Tears were dropping from your eyes without your notice. "You claim that I hate you, yes I do hate you, but not more than you hate me! You are horrible to me! The mighty Ubbe Ragnarsson who is fair and reasonable to everyone else treats his wife horrible! I get it that you loved that slave girl and you wanted her, but it insults me." You said and wiped away the tears from your face. After that, you held the baby closer to your body and you caressed his hair and then his back. "Go. Find her like any other night. Hopefully, she might be with child and your mother will free us both." You spoke calmer than before and after this you turned to your baby. His teary eyes were looking at yours. "I'm here, my little warrior." You spoke softly at him and started singing only for him.

Ubbe didn't say a word back at you as you were trying to calm the kid so it could sleep. The only thing he did, was to leave from the house and slam the door behind him. When he left, you let the tears stream down from your face.

That night Ubbe didn't come back home, but it wasn't unusual for him. He wouldn't spend the nights at home when he was back. Probably he was drinking with his brothers at the Great Hall and then he was beding that Margrethe girl.

You didn't sleep more than two hours and not because Ubbe wasn't there, but because of your boy's crying. He would wake up every two hours due to fever.

The day was downing when you heard knocks on your door. You opened just to find Hvitserk holding your drunk husband. You moved your head unimpressed and opened your door fully so Hvitserk could move Ubbe on the bed. Little Ragnar was on your hands crying the whole time.

"Is - Is everything alright?" Hvitserk asked quite uncomfortably and brought his hand at the back of his neck.

"No, but it is going to be." You replied at him, caressing the head of your calm now baby who was sleeping. You tried to force a small smile on your face, but you failed as it was expected.

"Why is my nephew so upset today?" Hvitserk was speaking as his hand was caressing your son's blonde head.

"Your nephew has some fever and he is more cranky than usual." You said to your brother-in-law and your lips met your son's forehead. When you felt his decreased temperature you smiled. "But, he is quite colder than before so that's a good sign." You said again and left the boy in the crandle. After that you moved to your kitchen to offer some of your newly baked bread to Hvitserk. He admired your skills in cooking and you appreciated that. "I baked this some time ago. The little monster wouldn't let me sleep." You said when you offered him some of your handmade bread.

"He always calms down when his father is around and don't try to deny it." He pointed out with his mouth full of bread.

You gazed at Ubbe, then at the toddler and at Ubbe again. It was true. Little Ragnar adored his father, it was obvious. Ubbe had a unique ability to charm him, as everyone else. Those son of Ragnar Lothbrok had this ability in their blood.

"I was - I was not going to deny it. I admit that my son adores his father. Everyone adores him." You turned to Hvitserk.

"Everyone except from you."

"What?"

His words caught you off guard. It felt strange when you heard these words coming out of the mouth of a third person. Not so due to the sound of them, but because after the birth of your child people assumed that your relationship with your husband was better. The relationship that a husband would have with his wife. They believed that you grew to love each other and you let them believe so. You wanted them to believe that. You acted like a loving couple in front of others and you even agreed that neither his family should know the real. They seemed relieved and convinced that you finally loved each other.

Hvitserk's eyes landed on your face. You were upset, he could tell by the look of your eyes. He left the empy plate in front of him and concentrated on you.

"Don't act like the loving wife you pretend to be to me. I know better (Y/N). My brother isn't a good liar or pretender. Plus, he spoke a lot last night. Luckily, it was just me there to hear." Hvitserk spoke to you and your eyes met the darkness that covered Ubbe's figure laying on the bed. Before you could even form a word to defend yourself, Hvitserk spoke again. "He was talking about little Ragnar all the time when we were back on the battlefield, you know. He even talked for you a couple of times. It slipped from his lips that he thought that you prayed to Gods for him to die there and I acted like I didn't hear that." He confessed whispering and you felt a tear threatening your left eye. You fought that tear back, you wouldn't let yourself cry in front of Hvitserk. You had cried in front of Ubbe before, but only in front of him because for a strange reason it felt really hard to keep them in.

As for Ubbe's beliefs about your false prayers. Even if you hated him, you would never pray such a thing for the father of your child.

"I - I never - I didn't—" You stopped for a moment to catch your running breath. You closed your eyes for a second and then you re-opened them and looked right at Hvitserk. "I would never pray such a thing. Ubbe and I are whatever we are, but he is still the father of my baby. This boy right there needs his father and whatever bullshit I have told him and he went mad tonight, I wouldn't leave, not after I gave birth to Ragnar. To be honest if it wasn't for him, probably I wouldn't be here right now, but I don't thing that this matters after all." You said honestly.

Hvitserk run his fingers through his messy hair and stretched. After that he took a deep breath.

"If you wanted to leave (Y/N), you would be gone by now. You had your chances before Ragnar but you never did." He spoke and you frowned. You had never thought things that way. But Hvitserk's words were truth.

It had always been a threat that you wouldn't be there when Ubbe would be back home after the raid, but you had never actually done that. You waited for him even when you didn't want him to come home just yet. You caught yourself bringing him up on your prayers just to make sure that Gods would keep him safe, but away for a little longer.

You didn't know what you should have answered him. On the other hand, he didn't need an answer. Hvitserk, as a third person and outside of all this madness, he knew the reason behind both of your behaviors, Ubbe's and yours.

Hvitserk smiled at you and stood up from tbe wooden chair he was sitting. Before he lay his foot outside your house, Hvitserk turned to you.

"It's not a crime to admit that you care for him. Even if you don't want to see it yourself, you have feelings for Ubbe that are not just hatred and anger. You don't need to argue or convince me differently, not me." Hvitserk spoke after his gaze had landed on his brother just to make sure that he wouldn't hear his words. He didn't wait for an answer of yours, he walked through the way that led to the door, but first he looked back at you again. "My advice is only one and hear me for once. I know I am not the wisest person on Midgard, not even close to that, but you have to believe in me just for this once. Don't do anything stupid and let Ubbe go away. You are reaching the end of the line. Both of you are on the edge. You will regret letting him go. Try to think what you want and if you realize that you feel something other than hatred, change. That's my advice to you sweet (Y/N)." Those were Hvitserk's last words. After them he stormed out of the house and left you sinking in your thoughts.

They couldn't be truth, Hvitserk's words. This would be madness. You hated Ubbe and that was it. You were waiting the moment when this marriage would be over. You were living for this same moment. Hvitserk's words confused and made you reconsider everything you thought you felt before this moment.

You couldn't like this guy even a little bit. That couldn't happen. Never. The only good feelings which were trying to form were due to the fact that Ubbe was the father of your son — the only happiness you got from your marriage to your husband was this child. Your miracle baby.

You gazed over to your son and after to his father. You shook your head to avoid your endless thoughts.

You hated Ubbe and wanted to divorce him that was the situation. It wouldn't change. It couldn't change. You waited a very long time to be free from this man, so you wouldn't change your mind just like that, because Hvitserk tried to push some feelings that you didn't even have for his brother.

You stood from your seat and grabbed your basket. You had to clear your mind from all the thinking and going to the market seemed a good solution. Before you leave, you checked oj your sleeping baby and glanced at Ubbe just once.

When you made it out of the door and walked through the streets of Kattegat, people were looking at you suspiciously and you even cought a couple of them whospering to each other as you passed them. At first, you thought that it was a usual day and all this was normal, because you were Ubbe Ragnarsson's wife or something like that. You started to get suspicious when it didn't stop and their stares were persistent on you.

You tried to find a familiar face to ask about the situation, but you weren't that lucky.

After you bought some things you needed you headed back home, where you found Ubbe playing with little Ragnar.

Them playing together — more like Ubbe tickling Ragnar and Ragnar laughing — wasn't a picture you got to see every day. You felt a strange feeling in your heart. It was like a bird flying inside your chest though it didn't last long, because Ubbe's voice made you feel like your usual self towards him.

"Where have you been?" The tone of his voice was imposing and demanding, like he was questioning you. When you heard him you felt quite angry, but you didn't want to cause one more scene in front of your son.

You moved a little bit from the door and left your basket on the table.

"I have been in the market." You spoke as you left your cloak on one of the wooden chairs. As you were speaking, your hands were organizing your kitchen and the stuff you had bought.

When Ubbe heard your answer clicked his tongue inside his mouth, a sound that annoyed you very much.

"What a stupid excuse to leave your child all alone." He said bitterly. Something which made you to turn and look at him. Ubbe had placed your son back inside his crib and was at the other side of the table whick was standing as an obstacle between you and him.

Ubbe was leaned on the wall and his hands were crossed in front of his chest.

You took a deep breath and tried to remain calm for once more because of your child. It wasn't good for your son growing up in an environment where his parents were fighting all the time.

"I didn't leave him all alone, I left him with his father." You responded and leaned your body on the cupboards and placed your hands in front of your chest, like he did before.

"I was fucking sleeping and he was alone! Alone (Y/N)! Anything could have happened to him!" Ubbe yelled as he came even closer and stood inches away from the table.

You closed your eyes and tried to keep your patience.

"I am telling you he wasn't alone, he was with you. You would hear him crying if anything happened." You reasoned angry in low tone of voice, but Ubbe wasn't a bit pleased by your answer. In fact, he was even more angry.

The crying of your baby stopped Ubbe from saying whatever he was going to. You passed from him and grabbed your son from his bed, trying to calm him down.

Your lips placed on his forehead to check on his body temperature and when you knew that he was hot you placed a kiss on his forehead.

"He has fever." You muttered to Ubbe without looking at him.

"What?" His voice sounded different from before when he was talking to you. He sounded surprised and scared.

Undoubtedly, Ubbe loved his son and was an excellent father for him. This child was all he dreamed about. Ragnar just had the wrong mother.

"How long?" He asked again and this time he was close to you caressing the back of your boy.

It was the first time he was this close to you and you two weren't forced to pretend that you wanted it. This time both of you were anxious about your son's health.

"Since last night." You answered him and finally looked at his worried blue eyes. It wasn't the first time you noticed how lovely they were, but it felt like it was. Ubbe was looking back at you, the exact way you looked at him. "Here, hold him for a while." You told him and placed the boy on his hands.

"Where are you going?"

"I'll fetch some water and a wet cloth. They will help."

Within a minute you were both sitting on your shared bed. Ubbe was holding the kid and you were holding the wet piece of cloth on your son's forehead.

"He seems quite better now" Ubbe pointed out and you agreed, taking the cloth away from your baby's sleeping form.

After that, both of you stood from the bed and Ubbe placed your son back inside his crib and both you stayed there looking at the baby for some time.

It felt strange and weird being that close to him and not fighting. When you stopped looking at the baby, you went back to your kitched and he sat on a chair looking around uncomfortable.

Both of you felt uncomfortable and weird around each other for not reason. It wasn't like you didn't know each other, but you felt like strangers to each other indeed. Like you weren't the ones who were fighting some time ago.

"(Y/N)." Ubbe was the first to break the silence between the two of you and you turned to face him.

"Yes, Ubbe." You muttered.

"I—"

He didn't even get to form a proper word when loud knocks on the door startled both of you. You walked pass the table and opened the door. When you did, you met a very worried version of Hvitserk Ragnarsson. You hadn't seen his this way ever again before.

"Brother, I want to talk to you about something." Hvitserk spoke quickly, without greeting you. Ubbe's expression changed when he saw the one his brother had on his face and you were curious yourself, but you didn't ask anything. "Privately." Hvitserk added and glanced at you.

Ubbe stood up from the chair he was sitting and walked to the door.

"If anything happens with the child, go to the Great Hall." Ubbe told you.

"I know." You whispered before he close the door behind him.

It wasn't the first time he left like that. Actually, those times were countless and you felt nothing about it, you didn't really matter where Ubbe was, until this moment. You could feel the agony inside your chest. Your heart was pounding in your chest and your hands were sweating. You had a bad feeling. Or you were just sick. Maybe you had caught the cold from your baby.

That must have been. It was the only reasonable reason about your feelings.

Fortunately, a soft knock on your door stopped your thoughts and you rushed to open. When you opened, you noticed Torvi's worried look on you and frowned.

"Come in." You were the faster one to start talking, as you opened the door wider for her to come in the house. When she was inside, you closed the door behind her.

"I heard that a certain someone is sick and came to help you. I know how it is to have a sick boy. Hali would get sick almost every winter until he was three." She spoke and you smiled warmly.

"He is getting better now. I hope he will be fine in a couple of days." You said smiling, watching your little boy sleeping. But your smile died when you looked at Torvi again.

She had the same worried expression as when she stood outside your house.

"Is everything alright?" You asked as you moved to your kitchen to prepare some tea for the both of you.

"Well, I didn't come only for Ragnar here, I came to see you, too. You are barely around lately." Torvi's voice was softer than usual, but you didn't want to think too much about it. You were just upset because Ragnar was sick that was all. There was nothing suspicious.

But, on the other hand, too many of coincidences were standing in your way in one day. If you knew one thing, it would be that you didn't believe in coincidences.

"Yes, I know, but Ragnar was sick and you know how I am when is time for my husband to come back from raiding." You spoke and placed a cup of hot tea in the table.

When you looked at Torvi, she was still standing. You motioned her to sit opposite of you and she did it.

You didn't speak much of Ubbe, or the state of your marriage, but Torvi knew. Every member of his family knew the truth about you. They just didn't speak about it. Even Ivar, the brother who was known for his poisonous words, didn't say anything ever, at least not when you were around, and you appreciated that.

Torvi didn't answer you. She was just staring the table speechless which was suspicious. It felt like she knew something and she came to you to tell you, but for some reason which you didn't know she was saying it.

"Torvi." You said her name and leaned closer to her, placing your hand closer to hers. Her eyes met yours and at that moment you knew for sure that something was up. "I can sense that something is wrong, tell me what it is." You spoke again and she her eyes left you for once again. "Torvi, tell me." Your tone was firmer.

You saw her tensing and closing her eyes, then opening them again. Torvi took her hand away from yours and you felt even more confused.

"Alright." She wasn't looking at you when she was speaking. Something that felt even worse. "There is something that I assume that you are not aware of and I think that is unfair for you not to know it. Probably, I am not the one to tell you that and maybe it's a mistake the fact that I am here now, but I consider you my sister and I couldn't keep it away from you." She paused for some seconds and before she started speaking her eyes reached yours. "Margrethe, you know Margrethe, right?" She asked you and you felt you mouth turning bitter at the sound of her name.

Of course you knew her. She was the mistress of your husband. The woman – the thrall girl – he loved and wanted to marry and dreamed about being with her, having the family he always wanted with her, but instead Ubbe stuck with you – the woman he despised the most.

"Are you kidding me, right now?" Your voice was more ironic than you wanted or intended it to be, but when it came to that woman you couldn't keep yourself together.

"I assume you do, considering your answer. Anyways, Margrethe is pregnant." She spilled and you felt your blood turning cold inside your veins.

For a couple minutes nothing was sounding. You couldn't think properly, or even form a proper word to say. You were horrified.

"I didn't want to say it so straightforward. I tried—"

"Who is the father?"

Both of you spoke almost at the same time.

Torvi took a deep breath and that was enough as an answer for you.

"It's been said....... she said that....... I mean......." She was trying to say that your husband was the father of her bastard child, but she couldn't find the right words about it and to be honest were there any right words about something like that?

Probably not.

"It's fine. I guessed that Ubbe is the father." You voice was calm, as you intended.

You were upset. You were angry. You felt hurt for some unknown reason. But you kept yourself together. After all, that was all you wished for to happen. Now, after Margrethe's pregnancy, his mother would approve to your divorce. People would understand. You were humiliated but took all you wanted.

Also, the looks and the whispering in the market this same day made sense. Nothing was a coincidence at the end of the day.

"Hey, aren't you happy for me?" You stood up, trying to sound happy, trying to be happy. It was all you wanted all this time and now it felt like Hel. "Torvi, Torvi, Torvi, let's not lie to each other, you know my problems with him. I have always wanted to find a getaway from this nightmare and now I am finally free to live by my own rules, without a person I hate. And wanna know something else? I knew it about them and I fucking told him to impregnate her so the queen would let us divorse. See, that's all I ever fucking wanted." Your voice was bitter and poisonous. At the end of your speech, you turned your back on Torvi and placed your hands on the counter to steady yourself.

When you did that you closed your eyes and refused by that way to let tears fall from your eyes.

"(Y/N), you don't mean that. You are just upset right now, I understand, I totally understand, but—"

"Torvi, leave me alone." You said, trying to be calm, or at least the calmer way you could be. "Please." Your voice almost gave you away. It almost broke and Torvi was clever she knew – even if you refused to admit it even to yourself – that you were hurt.

Torvi did as you asked her too, she left without speaking a word behind her. When you heard the door closing, you let yourself break.

You fall on your knees and cried worse than your baby. You cried gor something you claimed you wanted all the time you were married with this man and after he did what you told him to, you felt awful – betrayed that was it.

Two words came to your mind when you cried. Weak and stupid. That's how you called yourself and you felt that way because what you didn't want to happen and hated to even think about happening, happened. You had developed feelings for him and you hated him for that, even more. You hated that you loved him.

Hvitserk was right. Everything he told you was right, but nothing of that mattered anymore. You should have admitted and tried to do something to save the last pieces of this marriage, but now, there was nothing that could be saved.

Even if you wanted, even if you tried, Ubbe wouldn't want you. She was all he wanted all this time and this baby of hers and now he had it all. His biggest dream was becoming truth.

Your son's loud crying brought back for once more. He was your saviour after all and you owed him for that.

Your hands wrapped around his little body and tried to relax him, but it seemed impossible when you yourself was crying loudly too.

It was just the two of you now – like you craved – and it felt lonely and strange. It felt like a piece was missing and you knew damn well which piece was that. All you wanted was to leave him and live all by yourself with the only person you loved in the world, but now it was different. It was hard to let go of him and your life with him.

Only the thoughts of finally getting freed from this painful marriage made your heart ached.

You couldn't fall for him. Especially not now.

"Your father will be always there for you, Ragnar. He will always love you deeply, after all you are his firstborn son, you carry his legacy the most. It's just that you will have to grow apart from him, but that doesn't change anything. And I – I love you more than anything in this cruel world. You are my only child." You whispered leaving your tears to reach your jaw. As you were speaking, your heands were caressing your son's back and your eyes were closed. Your were trying to calm down both of you. "Also, we won't be that far. You can see him whenever you want. He and I just won't be together." You didn't know whether it was your son the one you wanted to calm with these words, or yourself. "Never forget—"

You didn't get to finish because the door opened and closed loudly and the only thing you were able to do was to turn your back at the person who entered – Ubbe. But you failed to cover your wet face. He had seen.

"What had happened? Is the kid alright?" Ubbe asked and by the sound of his voice and the way he stormed inside the house, you could say that he was upset. You could guess the reason, but you couldn't get the reason he was upset. Your wishes were coming true. You wanted to divorce with him and he wanted to marry the blonde slave girl.

"Yes. He is just a little bit upset." You spoke swiftly and gazed at your son's big blue eyes. He was just looking at you now. You smiled at him and kissed him softly on the forehead. After that, you left him inside his cradle.

"What about you?" His voice came out softer than before and almost startled you. You didn't expect him to state anything about you, it wasn't like him to care about your feelings.

Your eyes met his for the first time after you found out about the girl's pregnancy and after overthinking your complicated feelings about him.

"I will be." You mouthed quickly and walked past him, or at lest you tried to, because the man you wanted to despise like no one and nothing before stopped you by force.

His hand wrapped around your arm violently and made you stop just inches in front of him. You frowned out of anger and looked first at his hand and then at his angry face.

"What is that? You are acting weird again." He pointed out and wanted to laugh out of your frustration.

You wanted to yell — yell like a madwoman — after the news you received and his audacity to want to be treated differently. You couldn't act like anything had happened. Neither you wanted to tell him about it. If he had the guts, he would tell you himself.

"I don't get what you mean. I'm just myself like usual and apparently you are acting like yourself." Your answer and the unphased tone were enraging him more. You notice by the way his grip on your arm was tightening. "Now let me go. I have to teat my son." You tried to escape from his grip, but Ubbe didn't let you. He pulled you even closer to him. You were both pissed at each other.

Well, you weren't just pissed at him. Deep down you were hurt. He had hurt you like always, but this time — unlike all the others — the pain was piercing through your guts. This pain was something you hadn't experienced before.

"I just can't understand you and I'm fucking trying!" Ubbe let go of you and started walking in the house with his hands running through his breaded long hair. "This morning we were alright and now you are back to your annoying self — to that hateful woman who despises everything." After he finished, Ubbe turned to face you. Your face hadn't change a bit after his words.

You could feel wrath in your veins, but something bitter was there too.

"That's what you believe of me, huh? Then wanna know what I believe of you?" That last part wasn't even a serious question. You were going to tell him anyway and you were going to be harsh. "You are just as hateful, but trying to pretend that you are someone else so that people like you. You expect them to love you when you treat your wife worse than the thralls. I should not talk about that matter — your way with the thralls. You wanted to belittle me so much that—"

You stopped yourself there. You couldn't continue. You were indeed becoming hateful. For a moment Ubbe was just staring you without speaking as his words were replaying themselves inside your mind.

You had become as heartless as your father was. You treated Ubbe so low, but he wasn't better.

"That what? Why did you stopped? Maybe you understood yourself that all these nonsense you are speaking are bullshit! I fucking treat you the way you treat to me! I have never wanted to belittle you!" Ubbe was yelling — it was one of the very few times that he was so mad.

But you weren't going to hold back your tongue. You were as mad as Ubbe — if not more. You had crossed the line some times, but he was worse. He cheated on you multiple times and even impregnated his mistress.

When you heard his words, you were the one who run her hands through her hair this time. Instead of yell immediately, at first you formed an ironic smile on your face and the next thing you did was to yell.

"You belittle me every fucking night of those you are back in Norway! You are cheating on me with that slave and you even got her pregnant this time. You humiliated me! Everyone in the market was gossiping about your exploits! All Kattegat knows! If not all Norway!" You were yelling without even thinking of what you were saying. You hadn't even understood that tears were streaming from your eyes all the time you were talking. "But that shouldn't mind me! After all, that's the best reason to divorce you. No one can stop me after this. And, of course, they can't prevent you from marrying her! Go ahead take her, but I inform you; this is the last time you are looking at me and my son." At the end, all you could do was whisper at him. It was pointless.

Your little boy didn't even cry this time, like he could sense that even him couldn't stop you from saying all these. He was just playing with some of the toys inside his cradle.

Ubbe's expression changed after all the poison you let your mouth spit.

"I've never intended to humiliate you or belittle you." His voice this time was softer than you were used to. You had never really talked in calm tones. "When we married we didn't love each other — we married for that alliance. At that moment, I loved Margrethe and I was planning to marry her, yes and yes, I had slept with her, but that stopped when Ragnar was born. Well, to be precise, I had stopped some time before I learned that you were with child."

All this time you had your back turned at him and were trying to stop the tears that were falling mercilessly from your eyes. But when you heard his last words, you wiped away some fresh tears and faced him. Ubbe was calm — it was a rare moment — a beautiful moment.

"I was trying to give in to the feelings I felt for you. The way I had you in my mind when I was at the battlefield. Don't ask me how those feelings were formed — I have no idea. I was thinking of you, knowing that you were praying for me not to return. Those feelings couldn't be replaced by any fight we had. At the end of the day, all that stayed in my mind was one of your rare smiles and the way you care for our son."

Those words were even harder to process them than the news about the child of the slave girl. You couldn't even think that Ubbe would ever form that kind of feelings for you.

His confession made the rock walls of your heart to fall one by one.

"I have never prayed for you to die on the battlefield. I did quite the opposite in fact and it felt strange in my heart. I hated — I told my self to hate you — I was telling myself all the things I hated in you so I could hate you. I felt strange for you — my heart was beating in a strange way as much as I tried to avoid it, it exists, still." You spoke truly without daring to look in his eyes. "But it doesn't matter anymore. Our marriage will end. Those rumours is humiliating enough for me to leave you. If I have enough dignity, I should leave you."

Ubbe tried to reach for you, but you stopped him with a motion of your hand. If things were different, you would stay and try to make this marriage work, but you had no other choice but to leave him.

Taglist: @bruher, @utterlyhopeful-fics, @hypocritic-trash-baby

#vikings ubbe #ubbe imagine #ubbe ragnarsson #ubbe lothbrok #ubbe #ubbe x reader #vikings au #vikings x reader #vikings imagine #vikings fic

[agaypanic]

HI HI HI HI HELLO, SORRY IF WHAT I SAY DOESN'T MAKE SENSE, BUT I'M FREAKING OUT, LISTEN.

Malcolm is in love with Reader but reader is dense, like VERY DENSE, Reese style, so Malcolm decides to confess, the problem is that at every hint/indirect nothing works or Reader loses the thread of what he meant or saw it from a different side, so Malcolm lasts a whole week trying to confess, but nothing but nothing, so at the end of the week, he ends up confessing to her straight up (oh boy, that would solve everything from the beginning).

Reader is a prankster? troublemaker? YES, PLEASE MAKE HER A TROUBLEMAKER.

Just ideas? Malcolm goes around telling Stevie and Cynthia all the time how Reader isn't noticing and they are SICK of the conversation because he's done it like 5 times about 3 hours. Possibly at some point Reese ends up finding out about the situation and is like "We're dense, you have to be direct or we don't understand".

She Doesn't Get It (Malcolm Wilkerson X Reader)

Masterlist

Request Something!

Summary: Malcolm keeps trying to tell Y/n he loves her, but she has about as much common sense as Reese.

***

“I just don’t get how she doesn’t know that I like her!” Malcolm complained for what felt like the millionth time. Lunchtime had quickly become Cynthia and Stevie’s least favorite part of the school day ever since Malcolm harbored a crush on one of their friends.

“Malcolm, have you tried, oh I don’t know… Telling her?” Cynthia asked, exasperated. Malcolm rolled his eyes.

“Obviously, I have. She just doesn’t get it. Like there was this one time…”

You and Malcolm shared an elective class in the morning, and it was Malcolm’s favorite. Not because of the subject matter, it didn’t challenge him in any way and, like most classes, he thought his teacher was an idiot.

It was Malcolm’s favorite class because every day for an hour, he got to sit next to you. It was probably the only time where he wasn’t doing all the talking because he let you do it. You didn’t talk about things like the latest discovery in chemistry or a complicated math theorem. Instead, he’d get to hear about the latest prank you pulled on a classmate or why you got landed in detention for a third time that week.

It kind of reminded him of Reese, which he didn’t like. But he still hung onto every word of yours because you were the one doing the things.

“Yeah, so that’s why there’s a hole in the ceiling in the math hallway now.” You finished your latest story, the two of you laughing at your antics.

“I can’t believe you were able to catch that bird,” Malcolm said, looking at you with a look of admiration that he always had for you. You shrugged.

“You just gotta time the grab right. Helps if you have a lot of food so it doesn’t flip out at the wrong time.” You laughed again before quickly being glared at by your teacher. Neither of you cared much, but you still gave him a look that promised him you’d be quiet.

That didn’t last long. After a minute, Malcolm tapped your arm, interrupting your doodling.

“I was wondering, do you maybe wanna grab some food after school?” Malcolm looked nervous, but you had no clue why. “Maybe even catch a movie or something?”

“Oh, I’d love to, Malcolm. But I can’t.” Whatever hope Malcolm had dropped. “I’m having lunch at school, so I’d be too full to eat after with you.”

Cynthia let out a classic Cynthia snort-laugh while Stevie shook his head in disappointment.

“And that… was it?” Stevie asked.

“What do you mean?”

“You didn’t clarify that you wanted to hang out with her and that food didn’t have to be part of it?” His lack of response made Cynthia roll her eyes. “Honestly, Malcolm, I think you need to have your IQ retested.”

“It’s not my fault!” The boy exclaimed. “How was I supposed to respond to that? Besides, that’s not my only example.”

“Oh… Do tell,” Stevie said, resting his chin on his hand as he and Cynthia prepared for another sad story.

“Just last week, we were at the park, right?”

It was a nice spring afternoon. You and Malcolm had managed to snag one of the good picnic tables that weren’t rusty or covered in lewd graffiti. School books and notebooks covered the surface but were quickly abandoned in favor of the view. 

For you, the view was the sun shining through trees and squirrels running around. For Malcolm, it was you. If you noticed, you didn’t comment on it.

What you did notice was a sigh that came from Malcolm. You couldn’t decide if it was one of content or a warning sign that he would start complaining about something soon.

“What?” You asked, looking away to face him. Malcolm felt brave because he didn’t avert his gaze or change his posture. He kept his head leaning against his fist, admiring the view in front of him.

“Nothing.”

“You sound happy; it’s weird.” You laughed at your own jest, making Malcolm grin.

“It’s nothing, really! You’re just really pretty.” Your brows raised in surprise, but you quickly recovered.

“Aw.” You cooed, reaching out to pinch his cheek. “You’re really pretty, too, Malcolm.” The contact made him blush, but you didn’t notice because something behind him caught your eye. “Oh my god, that squirrel’s so fat!”

“I don’t see the problem with that one.” Cynthia shrugged, twirling the ends of her hair. “You just complimented her. Be grateful she returned it, Malcolm.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Just look… at you,” Stevie added, and he and Cynthia laughed.

“Hilarious, guys.” Malcolm rolled his eyes, clearly sarcastic. “The problem is that me about to tell her I liked her was thrown off by a really fat squirrel!”

“Y/n is known to lose her train of thought easily, Malcolm; it’s nothing personal.”

“Oh really? Nothing personal? We were pulling a prank yesterday, and you won’t believe what happened.”

It was all your idea, something you were very proud of. Everyone hated Mr. Thomas for his ridiculous grading standards and lousy teaching. Your getting a D on the latest pop quiz really pushed you over the edge.

You insisted that your never studying for his class had nothing to do with your grade, that it was all him.

You were lucky that Malcolm always jumped at an opportunity to do something with you, because a small tub of marbles weighed way more than you thought. Together, you quietly placed all the marbles in front of Mr. Thomas’ door.

What you two didn’t expect was him leaving his classroom earlier than intended. Malcolm heard his footsteps and yanked you up and away, causing you to spill the rest of the marbles on the floor. He dragged you to an open supply closet and closed the door behind you, leaving it open just a crack so you could watch the madness unfold.

It was comical, the scene in front of you. Mr. Thomas managed to stay upright for a few seconds, flailing his arms around in hopes of finding balance before ultimately crashing to the floor. The once-empty hallway was now full of concerned and humorous students and teachers, wondering what had happened.

Malcolm shut the door completely, and you had to try to keep your chuckles down.

You didn’t seem to notice or care about the lack of space, but Malcolm did. You two were practically chest to chest, breathing heavily from the running. His hand was still clasped around yours.

“That was fun.” You said quietly, looking up at him though you could barely see him because of the darkness.

“Yeah.” Malcolm gulped. Even if he couldn’t see well, he knew you were so close to him. It took everything in him not to just lean over to your lips. “Everything’s fun with you, Y/n.”

“Then we should do this more often.”

“I’d like that.” There was silence for a moment. “I didn’t expect the closet to be this small; we’re so squished together.” Malcolm immediately regretted what he said when you responded by trying to put more space between you.

“Oh! Sorry.” You wiggled your hand out of his grasp and opened the door. “It sounds like the coast is clear. Come on.”

“Have you… considered… the fact that… maybe… you have… no game?” Stevie asked, completely serious.

“Shut up, Stevie.”

“Malcolm!” Cynthia brought the attention to her. “I hate to make this comparison, but when it comes to the brains department, Y/n is kind of like…” She clearly hated the comparison because she didn’t want to finish her sentence. But before Malcolm could ask her to continue, Stevie did it for her.

“Reese.”

“No!” Malcolm cringed in disgust. “No, she’s not! Don’t say that.”

“Maybe not exactly like Reese.” Cynthia amended. “But it’s pretty close. Maybe you could ask him how to confess to her. Especially since he’s had a lot more girlfriends than you.”

“I’ve had a lot of girlfriends!” Instead of verbally countering the statement, Malcolm’s friends just gave him unimpressed looks. “Okay, maybe not a lot. Academics take up a bunch of my time, though.”

“That’s definitely… not… the reason.”

***

After more failed attempts that he didn’t want to think about, Malcolm had decided he’d talk to Reese. It felt like a very last resort. Like, the nuclear option. Asking his idiot brother for advice on how to tell a girl he liked her was something he’d take to his grave.

“Dude, just tell her you like her.” Reese had told him, rolling his eyes at the stupid question.

“But I don’t know how, Reese! I’ve tried everything.”

“Except actually telling her.” Malcolm gave his brother an unimpressed look, and he sighed. “Look, people like me and Y/n-“

“I hate that you just grouped yourself with her.”

“-don’t understand subtlety. It’s like when Mom tries to not scream her head off, it’s just not possible. You have to tell Y/n that you like her straight up.”

“But what if that doesn’t work?” Reese snorted.

“Then you’ve got bigger problems.” Malcolm groaned and stormed out of the shared bedroom. He didn’t want to blatantly tell you he liked you; talking about feelings was so awkward and humiliating sometimes. But on the other hand, you weren’t understanding any of his advances.

It took half an hour of pacing and muttering, but soon Malcolm had psyched himself up to call you. He wouldn’t tell you about his feelings over the phone; he’d need more time to prepare for that. So instead, he was calling you to ask if you could meet up sometime soon.

“Hello?” You answered the phone, and Malcolm had to wipe the sweat off his palms.

“Hey, Y/n. It’s Malcolm. Listen, I wanted to talk to you.”

“Mission accomplished, genius. Guess what you’re doing.” You laughed at your own jab, and he followed, except more nervously.

“Yeah, you’re right.” Malcolm focused on a chipped part of the kitchen counter, picking at it while he talked. “So anyways, I was wondering if you wanted to hang out sometime. Sooner rather than later, there’s something I need to tell you in person.”

“I can come over right now.” Malcolm panicked as he heard rustling over the line, you grabbing your bag and putting your shoes on. “See you soon, Malcolm!”

“Wait-” Malcolm was cut off by the phone disconnecting. You had hung up and were on your way over.

Shit.

Malcolm spent all fourteen minutes of your walk panicking. Quietly, of course, so Reese wouldn’t beat the hell out of him for disturbing his peace. Malcolm practiced what he was going to say a few times in his head, pausing and restarting his speech when he needed to mentally rewrite something. He wished he had more time to panic and prepare, but soon enough, he heard you knock on the door.

“Hey, Malcolm!” You grinned, stepping into the house when the boy moved aside. Malcolm led you to the backyard so you could have some privacy. He picked at the splintered wood of the picnic table, trying to hype himself up to start the conversation. But you had beaten him to it. “Do you mind if I say something first?”

“Sure!” Malcolm said a bit too enthusiastically. This was perfect. He didn’t have to start what was going to turn into a quickly awkward conversation, and he got to listen to you talk about whatever it was you wanted to talk about.

“Okay, look. I like being your friend, Malcolm. I really do.” Malcolm’s mood instantly deflated. That sentence coming from a girl that you like is never really a good sign. “You’re really cool, and smart, and funny. And you don’t make me feel like, dumb for not understanding something that you could get in a second. And I love hanging out with you.” You sighed, scratching the back of your neck. “But..”

“But?” Malcolm leaned forward, nervously waiting for you to continue.

“But… it’s not enough.” You looked just about as nervous as he did. “Being friends isn’t enough for me, Malcolm. I want more than that. God, I really want more. If you don’t feel the same way, I totally get that. But, geez, I just needed you to know, you know?”

There was a beat of silence that made you want to throw up. Malcolm just stared at you with this indecipherable expression. You were about to laugh and say it was a prank when Malcolm let out a breath that neither of you realized he was holding.

“Oh, thank God.” That was a surprising response. “I was panicking trying to figure out how to tell you because I knew there was no way you could possibly feel the same way, but you do. I’ve been trying to tell you for weeks, but you never picked up on any of my hints, and I was honestly about to just cut my losses, but now-”

“Wait, Malcolm. What are you saying?” Malcolm laughed softly. Even now, you didn’t seem to pick up on what he was saying. He grabbed your hands, squeezing them and leaning closer to you.

“I like you too, Y/n. I was gonna be straightforward and tell you, but you beat me to the punch.” You grinned so wide you thought your mouth would start hurting. Yanking your hands out of Malcolm’s, you went around the table and practically tackled him into a hug that he eagerly returned. You pulled away from him again to bring your lips to his, giving him quick and many pecks that he also eagerly returned.

#malcolm wilkerson x reader #malcolm wilkerson #malcolm in the middle x reader #malcolm in the middle #agaypanic

[dietraumerei]

Weekly Writing and Reading Update

UGH. I've been in mortgage broker purgatory and just felt very...ungrounded all week, I do not love my very regular schedule being thrown off by loads of meetings, and it's going to get worse this week because I'm traveling to see some family and friends and I'm...semi-excited? About the friends part, at least. I'm glad to have time off of work but it's going to be exhausting, too.

Two good things, though:

It's really clear that I need to come up with a small daily ritual so I can connect to myself and ground and not feel so spacey. This ritual needs to not involve screens of any type, lol. Especially since I'm hoping to buy a house and move in the next few months, I will need some kind of consistency no matter what.

When I get very stressed I hyperfixate on things. In the past this has been me going into some amazing anxiety spirals, but this time it's more like 'how do I install LVP flooring' and 'how do I make a rain barrel'. Note that I have not even looked at a single house yet. At least watching 475 This Old House videos in a row is useful.

Writing

You, Again : written and posted, smooth as can be! I see this as a kind of like Bike Girls, in that it's the two of them disastering their way through life, but maybe a little spicier, a little harder, with a lot more history. I am excited to write more of them falling off of/into things and deepening their relationship.

Like a Garden In The Spring wheeeeee, a HUGE update last Sunday! I am into the next chapter as well

crack_taken_seriously: this was me trying to flesh out this, but honestly it just felt like a slog, so I think this will now be put to bed. A fun, kinky idea but SO MUCH WORK in practice.

movingToRingworld: I re-read Beginnings and it was better than I remembered so I went back to this little sequel story which was also better than I remember. I will take my time with it, tho.

(Another downside of busy and stress and no schedule is I really just have not felt like writing in the past few days. It'll come back in time, though, as always!)

Reading

I finished Woman on the Edge of Time which is an extremely 70's feminist SF novel. It starts pretty rough, and is about 25% too long, and also is a pretty um...specifically 70's utopia. (There's a lot of very odd 'I don't see gender! I don't see race! PIck your culture based on where you want to live!') I think it's just okay as an SF novel but it's very good as a kind of academic period piece. (Also while it 100% accurately captures the grinding poverty and racism and horrors of Connie's life and her experiences in the mental health care system, it feels very weird reading a book about a poor Mexicana woman written by a white woman who comes across as a huge pill and very very very second wave still.)

I read it once decades ago and I'm glad I re-read it but I think I maybe do not ever need to revisit it.

(also commentary on a spoiler below the cut)

I think it's a much stronger, more morally complex and interesting book if you read it as Connie actually is schizophrenic, and she isn't time-traveling. The final chapter hints at this and it's kind of 'reader, make up your own mind', but I find I'm a lot more interested and challenged and like it better if I go with that interpretation.

#weekly update

[pocket-elf]

New Years questionnaire for 2023/24

(Haven't been on tumblr much the past couple of months, nor have I done this for the past four years but hey, I'm here so lets. I know there are several in my archive. Tbh I think I probably used to use this template on Livejournal back in the day! I've made some edits through the years, including this one)

1. What did you do in 2023 that you’d never done before?  I got a job that isn't a temp thing! Sure my previous job was three years in the same place but it was a temp position. This one is solid, if I want to stay. I don't plan to in the long run but it's secure for now. I listened to a lot of new to me music as well. Other than that I don't feel there were any never-done-before type things.

2. Did you keep your New Years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I don’t do resolutions but I did some crafting goals, which I did NOT keep. I did finish all my reading challenges though! For 2024 I will keep going with reading challenges but nothing else I think.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? Nope.

4. Did anyone close to you die? No. My friend's mother did though so I was there for her when she needed some support.

5. What countries did you visit? Cambodia and Vietnam. And technically Denmark as the Copenhagen airport is my closest big international airport.

6. What would you like to have in 2024 that you lacked in 2023? The answer to that is always a girlfriend haha. Girls where you at? Hit me up.

7. What date from 2023 will remain etched upon your memory? I can’t remember dates like ever. But I'm trying to remember January 8th and February 4th as the two dates the emo ball started rolling properly this year. January 8th being the day I bought customs maps in Beat Saber (which really is what started it all) and February 4th being the day I took a walk into town for some candy and had the thought "What if I check out what Fall Out Boy have been up to lately" and then it all just well... really fucking snowballed.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? I guess landing a job finally, that I don't detest with my whole being.

9. What was your biggest failure? I don't know. I suppose not making as much as I wanted to. That's always the case. But this year it's been very little. Probably cause my style changed so much.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? I fell with my bike in May and scraped up my knees and glasses. twisted my shoulder which ende dup giving me trouble in the long run. My right knee took a while to heal from the bad surface wounds (luckily no joint damage) which but stress on my hip and made that problematic. But that cleared up with an intense round of ibuprofen and rest. Elbow is acting up though, probably from work. But I was lucky with the bike fall. Just a few weeks later a friend of my parents collided with another cyclist and ended up in the ICU with brain haemorrhage, fractured skull/ear, needing surgery for arm fractures, etc.

11. What was the best thing you bought? Oh man... I suddenly have had income to spend. Tbh I should probably say plane tickets, cause I really needed that Cambodia vacation. But also like, my whole wardrobe got an overhaul.

12. Did you try any new crafts? (new/replaced question) I made a rag rug on a big loom! It was good fun. I finished weaving in spring but then both me and mum kinda never finished the edges... I guess that's something I need to do in 2024. For the first time I also started working on a big complicated cross stitch. I've done easy things like lil text bits etc, but for my trip I decided cross stitch would be the best to bring for long flight etc as it doesn't take up much space. And ended up converting a still from the video for Black Parade which had me work with like... 10 different shades of blue or something. The main parts are done, I just need to decide what to do about all the white bits (stitches or raw aida) and how to finish the edges as that depends on how I want to display it or what to do with it after. But it was so satisfying to do!

13. Did your home change in any way? (new/replaced question) Kitchen had a big refresh with new floor, painted cabinets/drawers, and new stove/oven. I didn't start the bedroom gallery wall this year but it's been growing a bit. I did however start the living room gallery wall. Turning the lounge half of the living room (the other is sewing space) more and more kinda witchy feeling. Swapped the curtains out for dark blue velvet to go with the lamp and armchair. Got a gorgeous blanket from Disturbia to put in the armchair too so it's all really coming together.

14. Where did most of your money go? Not counting things like rent and food... probably clothes. Gods so many band shirts. No actually let's just say merch. Cause last like, couple of weeks I've bought vinyl and books and such. I did also buy a computer though... but that hasn't reached me yet.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? Music. this year has been my year of emo and I love that for me.  

16. What song/album will always remind you of 2023? Oh that's hard considering everything. BUT, So Much (for) Stardust was actually released this year, and I fell hard into Fall Out Boy early enough to actually wait for the album (even if mercifully short compared to the rest of you) So probably all of the songs on that album. But Heaven, Iowa literally made me cry the first time I head it soooo

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: i. happier or sadder? Probably happier? At least less worried. I was actually very content not working but money runs out and I was starting to get frustrated by the near hits in interviews, and worried about not getting any more money come spring. ii. thinner or fatter?  Maybe the same? I was walking more last winter but now I bike. But something I will say though, my body image has improved a lot. Thanks emo crowd?? iii. richer or poorer? Oh for sure richer. I've had a salary! I've been able to save money.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of? Sewing. Spending time with friends. Definitely wish I would've played more games.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of? I mean... working. But no choice in that really.

20. How will you be spending Christmas and New Years? Christmas I spent with my parents having a good dinner and watching my favourite Swedish quiz show. Very chill. It's currently 25 minutes to midnight as I type this answer. I'm in comfy clothes just chilling in bed. I'm gonna try to time Welcome To The Black Parade for a "Carry on" at midnight. EDIT: I didn't even finish this whole thing before midnight. And yes, Black Parade is absolutely perfection for this occasion.

21. Who did you spend the most time on the phone with? Eron I guess? We've spent a lot of time talking in VR as well.

22. Did you fall in love in 2023? Funnily enough this was my answer in 2018, and is this year again: With music yes. 

23. Did you try any new exciting food? (there used to be a question about one night stands here but finally I am changing it) I tried to be open to new things in Cambodia. Tried a couple new fruits, really liked the classic Khmer dish loc lac, and omg in Hoh Chi Minh during our lil trip to Vietnam I found a Japanese bakery that had possibly the best pastry I've ever had... a sweet potato bun that looked like a purple sweet potato and was filled with some kind of sweet potato goo. And it was still a bit warm when I got it. Absolutely insane. Reminded me a bit of almond paste but fluffier and ofc not almond. And at the same bakery i got a hokkaido melon bun that was also heavenly.

24. What was your favourite TV programme? Our Flag Means Death

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? Not hate, but I dislike some people at work and such ofc.

26. What was the best book you read? The big surprise came this summer with Where Are Your Boys tonight? by Chris Payne. First of all I was weary of the format, and second of all. if you had asked me this time last year I would NEVER have guessed a book with the subtitle The Oral History of Emo's Mainstream Explosion 1999-2008 would even enter my reading obit, let alone become the book of the year. And I knew as soon as i had read maybe half of it that it would be that, no matter what I read the second half of the year.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery? I mean... just like, so much? But I guess falling properly in love with Fall Out Boy (I had listened to Save Rock and Roll for a bit back in the day but never really went back to first era or did more than give AB/AP a quick look when it came out) just gave me so much. It was what started it all and I love them dearly. I have never listened to My Chemical Romance, and I even said early this spring "At least I won't listen to My Chemical Romance" as I was falling into the FOB trap. Yeah... that did NOT hold up. At all. They're up there in the faves now.

28. What did you want and get? A new job.

29. What did you want and not get? We all know the answer to that: MCR5

30. What was your favourite film of this year? I didn't watch that many new movies that ween't like, shitty Hallmak tbh. But maybe Red, White & Royal Blue?

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I turned 36. I worked, but left a little early to go home to my parents where my brother and niblings were visiting. So played with them, had dinner and cake.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Maybe getting a job that I was excited about and fit my wishes better than what I have. Don't get me wrong though, I am very relieved to have what I have now. I don't hate it and I get paid alright. I guess falling in love and having a happy relationship would've probably been amazing but we're not even close to anything like that so

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2023? "Oops we went a bit emo didn't we?". I used to be all about skirts and dresses. Never really wore pants. Now my go to outfit is skinny jeans and a band tee and I never thought I'd be here again (well it was never band shirts, but graphic shirts at least) My wardrobe is dark again. Dressing up for Christmas I just went full goth. I am basically going back to my youth but now I have money and can do what I want. And somehow I like my body BETTER in skinny jeans and a tee. My waist isn't even defined??? But yeah, I've always felt drawn to that like, darker alt stuff, even if it hasn't shown since high school. But whenever it pops up on instagram or what have you I go "aw, yeah... nah too much work. And for the young'uns" etc. So now when it has been realised in a form that works for me in my mid 30s it just feels... right. A homecoming of sorts. Finally here it is. It will of course change and evolve too, and I have never been a hardcore single style kind of girl anyway. But that thing that has been buried but stirring for 15 years is finally free again.

33b. Any other changes to your looks this year? Cut off my hair (I have buzzed sides now for the first time too! I've had it all buzzed and overall cut short, but never this kind of do) and we're back to bright colours. Trying partly blue for the first time and loving it. Also added two tattoos, a second big jellyfish on my left arm (which is currently healing and needs touch ups) as well as a trio of macaronies on my stomach (a souvenir from Cambodia) Also started wearing more rings on an everyday basis as well as shoved a stud earring through a half closed hole in my left ear so now I have an ear climber there, and got a cuff for the other. Also started wearing a small faux septum ring (can't pierce my nose, have to many nasal issues)

34. What kept you sane? Music and talking to people online.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? I don't fancy people per se, but all them emo dads are dear to my heart.

36. What political issue stirred you the most? I am just so very tired. But gods, Palestine.

37. Who did you miss? Always friends.

38. Who was the best new person you met? I guess Daniela? She's a good coworker.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2023. Just cause you're in your mid 30s doesn't mean you can't change, or take back what you liked about your youth and had just been dormant for a while.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

I asked Jacey to help me with this and her suggestion was "I'll stop wearing black when they make a darker colour", which is hilarious considering the drastic change of my wardrobe. But there IS other colour in there. Like green. So let's go with

So paint it black and take it back Let's shout it loud and clear Defiant to the end, we hear the call

To carry on, we'll carry on

Last time (end of 2018) I added some new ones, for looking to the future:

41. What is the thing you most look forward to in 2024? I don't actually know! I have no big plans yet. So I think what I look most forward to is to see what kind of good surprises will show up. And where my musical journey will take me.

42. What is the first thing you look forward to in 2024? Minor things: All the stuff I've ordered (and gifts from friends) arriving. Setting up the turntable I really hope I get next week, and buying a shelf/side table thing at IKEA and covering it in contact paper to make a turntable stand and emo shelf in the living room. But bigger: Callie visiting in May.

43. Any upcoming releases make you excited? I will keep hoping for MCR5. I mean they have to be working on that, I refuse to give up hope. And I'm actually curious about the new season of Doctor Who. Haven't watched that for years, but watched the anniversary eps and the Christmas special.

44. Do you have any big plans for the coming year? Like I said, no big plans! I have friends visiting in May and October. I have no idea what to do about vacation. Was thinking about a hiking week with dad but don't know. I have no tickets bought for anything. Hoping a tour with some band I like comes my way (second Europe leg of Tourdust please! I couldn't make it to Berlin. Make it closer next time)

45. What is something you want to accomplish in 2024? I would really like to go to a concert. Is that accomplishing something? I don't know. But yeah. I would really like to nail a tshirt pattern though.

Adding some stat ones:

46. Number of books read According to Goodreads, 59. Which does include a few kids books and a few comic books that weren't like full graphic novels/collections. 2022 was abysmal so my reading goal was low to start with and I increased it a few times. So I'm very happy with 59.

47. Number of movies watched Letterboxd says 64 individual ones, but with some rewatched (like watching YBC like eight times) it's 71. That does include a couple shorts, and like I said also Young Blood Chronicles. But I didn't log the Doctor Who specials that I did see the last few days some of my friends having done. Never even consider checking if they were there cause it's such a tv series kind of thing for me. If we would count those it'd be 75.

48. How was Spotify Wrapped? Top artists were Fall Out Boy (for whom I was in the 0.01% even!) and MCR. Followed by TAI, Dunes, and Gerard. I knew FOB would win when only half the year had passed cause I had done such a sound bath and didn't stop listening after that. But MCR did well. And they both fought in the top 5 songs, coming out at Love From The Other Side, Sharpest Lives, Heaven Iowa, Foundations of Decay, and 27. The last one was actually a conscious effort the last week to bump it with just a few extra listens over some Black Parade song (I Don't Love you maybe?) because it has such a special place in my heart for some reason. Genre wise Spotify really sucked this year. Somehow I didn't even get a top five which is what you should get, and instead just modern rock and pop punk. How this year has been "modern rock" I do not know. How is there no emo or at least alt rock in there? Or even like... indie or something for my lil side step to The Amazing Devil which I liked listening to at work sometimes. Or whatever they count Hozier as. I should have gotten three more genres!

45. How many tattoos are we at now? When you don't stop at two, or maaaaybe three, there is absolutely no stopping. So with two new ones this year we're at 8. 2024 will definitely bring at least another.

#new years #about me

[oceandiagonale]

dialga time!

#oceandi answers #anonymous #oceandi arts #generic protagonist #dialga #as much as I like dialga I don't usually draw him because he is a big ol legendary and a pain to draw :'D #which is also why I don't draw the whole 'legendaries making gene do hero stuff' thing that happens for sure #this isn't part of the spring challenge week I just wanted to finish it for fun

[wearenot7withu]

pairing : jungkook x reader

genre : fluff,bestfriends!au, friendstolovers!au

warning : maybe some swearing, a little bit of jealousy

word count : 2,420 words

summary : Do you know what’s better than summer? Having a summer job as a lifeguard. You are by the water, the sun is making you look tan and of course, your lifeguard partner isn’t a bad thing to see either. Luckily - or well not so much, you’re not the only one thinking that. Will the bad green monster come out or can you be on your best behavior?

masterlist

a/n : so here’s my jungkook as a lifeguard scenario. i hope you like it, your feedbacks are welcome. i really enjoyed writing this, tho i’m more of an angst type of girl so this was challenging for me. nevertheless i’m kinda happy with the outcome hope you are too ♥ also thank you for your feedbacks for the business trip 

July is the month of water. The perfect time to go to the beach, take a vacation at some seaside city, or if you don't have a seashore near you, you can enjoy the swimming pools at the local thermal spa. 

Since you were a child, you loved swimming. You were waiting all year round for summer so you can finally swim. So when you were nine years old, your parents signed you up for the local swim team, and in high school, you became part of the school's girl's swim club too. When your first working summer came, your choice was obvious. You applied to be a lifeguard, and ever since you were sixteen years old, you have come back every summer.

Your first two years went by uneventfully. The first year you got to know the other workers, so during the second year, you were already familiar with everyone. The third-year was a little bit interesting. Jeon Jungkook, the school's number one swimmer, captain of the boy's swim team, the boyfriend of the school's cheer captain joined your little lifeguard group. You two went to the same high school, enjoyed the same sport, but you’ve never really talked with each other. He was the top of the school's social ladder, and even though you were a swim captain too, you liked to be in the background. But that summer - which was already three years ago, oh God time flies by so fast - you two became friends. Best friends actually. You can imagine everyone's face when on the first day back in school he asked you to sit next to him and his friends at lunch. 

Before Jungkook, you had a few friends, was in a good relationship with everyone, and didn't despise anyone. But as said, that was before Jungkook. The first person you lowkey hated was Jiha, his girlfriend. She was a bitch to Jungkook, and even though he knew how to handle her behavior, you still didn't like her. Thankfully they broke up.  Jungkook dumped her before the winter formal and asked you to go with him - but strictly only as friends. Although life had another plan because by the time spring formal came, you were together.

Like it was said before, it's been three years since that. It's again a summer working as a lifeguard with your boyfriend, which is getting harder and harder every year. Have you seen his body? Besides having a masterpiece face, his body is just the cherry on the top, and sadly you're not the only one enjoying the view.

"You know, you're a lifeguard, right?"

A voice pulled you back into reality. You turned your head towards the source of the sound with a confused look on your face.

"Jungkook, we've been doing this for summers... I think pretty much the whole town knows that" you said matter-of-factly.

"But you can't save lives if you're daydreaming"

"I wasn't daydreaming" you defended yourself.

"Admit it, you were daydreaming about me"

"Keep on dreaming, pretty boy"

"You think I'm pretty?"

"Well, I'm not with you because of your brain" you smiled at him.

"Careful y/n or I might throw you into the water" You put your hands up in front of your chest, showing that you're stepping down from this fight. 

"I'm gonna go check the kids' pool" He leaned towards you to give you a kiss.

"Bring me a bottle of water on your way back please"

As he was walking away you looked around. You saw a few ladies' heads following your boyfriend, but you can't really blame them. As long as they're only looking, you're kind of alright with that. As you were waiting for your partner to come back, two girls started jumping into the pool. You blew your whistle, which made everyone look at you. You signaled an X with your arms to the girls, who only rolled their eyes. You hate these I'm the center of the world type of girls. They think the rules aren't for them. 

As Jungkook was walking back, he blew his whistle too. The girls were now giggling. He gave you the bottle of water and sat beside you.

"You know I was thinking" you hummed so he can continue. "I don't want us to come back next year" he shrugged.

"What? Why?" you looked at him with a surprised expression.

"Boys are looking at your tits, checking out your ass, and like yeah, I know they're good and everything but you're still my girl" he gestured around us as if you're not dealing with this same issue.

"Kook, those girls were just now giggling at your attention and are keep on jumping into the pool just so you can acknowledge them again" And because it was true, you blew the whistle. Again.

"And you're fine with it?" You shrugged.

"I'm not fine with their presence, but only because they're annoying. Those who only look at you are can't be blamed" you stood up and sat in his lap "You know, that's what you get for having this gorgeous badass lifeguard girl as your girlfriend" you kissed his cheek both side, then gave a little peck on his lips. "And that's" you pointed towards the jumping girls "what I get for having one of the towns most chased man as my boyfriend" 

He gave you a kiss, and another one, and another one. "They're still jumping" you sighed at that.

"Come with me?" With him, you arrived next to the girls. "I kindly ask you to continue your jumping at the swimmer's pool, this pool isn't for hopping"

"Oh, really?" the two girls looked at each other, then the taller one with light brown hair and tanned skin took a step towards Jungkook. "Can you show me where is that? I think I don't know" Calm down y/n.

"It's two pools away" you answered.

She took another step and now started to play with her hair. "I still don't know"

Jungkook stepped aside, lifted his arm and pointed towards the swimmer's pool "Right there, in front of you" The girl seemed to understand he's not interested. You smiled at her, with a smile which said HA! Told you to go away! 

The day went by after that calmly. A few kids crying, one person bumped into another underwater but nothing major happened. When your shift ended, you two went to take a shower - separately, of course, then Jungkook took you home to your parents' house. "You coming in?" you asked him.

"I promised my brother I will go with him looking for an engagement ring"

You squealed a little "Is he planning to propose Mayah?" He nodded.

You bid him goodbye with a kiss and went inside. You've been living together off-campus during school since starting college, but for the summers, you always go back home to your roots.

The next day you woke up a little later than you should've, which meant total chaos for the morning. On top of that, you didn't have time to eat, because when Jungkook pulled up in front of the house, you were still in your sleeping clothes.

"Your hair looks like you've been fucked through the whole night" greeted your dearest boyfriend. You rolled your eyes at that

"Yeah my other boyfriend visited" you said sarcastically. "Where are you signed today?"

After figuring out you weren't on the same pool duty, you didn't talk that much, not that you were in the car for a long time. "See you at clock-out" He gave you a kiss on your cheek and we said bye. 

Today you'd been paired up with Josie, she was your partner for the first time when you started back in the days. "Are you ready for the old people?"

Her question made you snicker. "I would rather be at the kids' pool for a week"

You replied with a sigh, and Josie erupted in a laugh. It's true, little kids might be louder and more energetic, but old people are on a whole new level. They usually want to play matchmakers for their grandchildren.

"So how you and prince charming have been?" you laughed at the name Josie gave to Jungkook.

"I still don't get why you're calling him that, but we're good" you nod your head with a fond smile on your face "better than ever actually"

"That's good to hear"

Your stomach made some strange noise, signaling it's time for food. You told Josie you're gonna go grab something to eat from one of the food stalls. As you were waiting for your kung pao, you felt someone's presence very close to you. When you turned around, arms were caging you and the familiar smell hit your nose.

"Thanks for the baguette babe, but how can you not know I don't like pickles?" What? What baguette?

"Mmmm what are you talking about Kook?" you grabbed your meal before turning towards him and motioning towards the benches.

"Your memory is not that good anymore, you're getting old" He joked, and you kicked his leg under the table which made him chuckle with a boyish laugh.

"I slept through my alarm Jungkook, I didn't have the time to eat or buy a meal until now" you sighed, somebody must've been trying to get his attention with this. You have to say this is a new boldness, like this has never happened before.

"I have a secret admirer!" you clapped your hands yaaay because my mouth was full.

After finishing your breakfast slash lunch, you went back to Josie. You asked her about her new job and talked about college. She told you some funny stories which have happened to her there and you laughed a lot. From time to time some elders came up to you, showing pictures or pointing towards their grandsons. Sadly for them, both Josie and you are taken so you had to decline their propositions. You would be surprised how disappointed they can be once they find out they plan won't work out. OR how persistent they can be, they can't take no for an answer. That's the two end, no between. When that happens, you feel better with either Jungkook or one of the male colleagues. They're pretty much all Jungkook's friend, which means yours are too.

Clock-out quickly came, and you were cleaning the pools where you were assigned through the day for the other shift’s workers. To get to the locker rooms, you have to go beside the pool where you're boyfriend is on duty for the day. You thought you two will go to the changing rooms together, but as you get there you only see Taehyung cleaning.

"Did Jungkook leave you in the dirt alone?" You beamed at him. He turned his head towards you with a smile but quickly replaced it with a confused expression.

"Why aren't you at the bar?" he asked,

"Why would I be at the bar?" You asked back.

"You left a note to Jungkook to meet you at the bar at 3" You pointed at yourself asking him that you left a note.

"I didn't leave any note, is the note here though?" Taehyung pointed towards the trashcan.

Thank God it was at the top so you didn't have to rummage through it. Reading the note, you didn't know if you should feel offended because he didn't recognize your handwriting, or to be furious because someone actually dared to ask him on a date. You crumbled the note in your hand and made your way towards the bar.

Arriving at the bar you saw your boyfriend and the girl from yesterday. That made your blood boil so much more than before. Poor guy was looking around, searching for someone - you, while the girl was trying to make a good impression on him. You counted to twenty in your head, so you wouldn't jump at the girl first thing. Jungkook's face lighted up seeing you, although he realized something's not right.

"Excuse me" you tapped on the girl's shoulder "I would really appreciate it if you wouldn't try to shoot your shot with my boyfriend." You stepped beside Jungkook, who automatically back hugged you.

"He wasn't really rejecting me though" You’re gonna tear this bitch hair out 

"Listen here you little - " a hand muffled your mouth.

"I didn't really give you the time of the day, I was just being nice and answered you" The girl's face turned red and stomped away from the bar.

"I should've known you wouldn't write me a letter" you hummed while turning towards him.

"Yeah, and you should've recognized my handwriting. I mean c'mon, how many times did I give you my notes in school."

Jungkook mumbled a quiet sorry. He looked like a kid, who was told not to eat any sweets until his vegetables were off from his plate. "What do you think about you, me, in my room doing a Frozen marathon?"

"Alright, but we have to stop at my parents' house first"

So that's what you did. After taking a shower Jungkook drove you to your childhood home. While you packed away your things, Jungkook had a quick chat with your dad  ... about the lawn? You said bye to your mom and joined the two men at the porch.

"I'm ready" you said hugging your dad. He tightened his grip around you and with a serious expression he said to Jungkook

"No funny business" For a minute neither you nor Jungkook could say anything.

You couldn't tell why did your dad say that, and Jungkook probably shit himself. He started to stutter when your dad let out a big laugh. Hearing his laugh, Jungkook also let out an awkward chuckle.

"Alright dad, bye" You said and pulled Jungkook by his hand to his car.

"What the hell was that?" Jungkook asked once you were in the vehicle.

You shrugged "it's not like he doesn't know we do funny business"

"Don't call it that" He commanded, which lead you to repeat it like ten times.

Arriving at his house you helped his mom to make dinner. Following dinner, you started to watch Frozen.

"You know I love you right?" Jungkook asked after a while.

You were already half-asleep, you didn't have the strength to answer properly. You mumbled a quite love you too and snuggled closer to him. You were happily asleep after only moments.

#jungkook scenarios #jungkook drabble #jungkook x reader #jungkook fluff