#this one it just kinda blindsided me. | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

elegyofthemoon · 4 months

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Spell your URL!

Spell out your URL using song titles that can describe your muse/OC, then tag as many people as there are letters in your URL!

OO thanks so much @cove-holdens !! This seemed like fun so I'll try ; v ; it's probably going to be pretty length though (> _ >) so i'll just put it under a read more

BUT want to tag beforehand idk enough people with ocs i think so i just toss it to @fayesdiary, @narzissenkreuz-ordo, @lemonbronze, @garlandgerard (i THINK you have some ocs sorry if i am misremembering), and whoever else I follow that has ocs :D let me get to know them!! (also of course no obligation <3)

I'm too fixated on my OC Octavia so here we go lmao

E - "Escapism" from Steven Universe: "I guess I have to face/ That in this awful place/ I shouldn't show a trace of doubt/ But pulled against the grain/ I feel a little pain/ That I would rather do without"

L - "Letter" from the Fragile Dreams OST

E - "Extraordinary" by Clean Bandit: "Am I the only one who sees what you've become?/ Will you drift away?/ We're running out of time, two wrongs can make it right/ Could I make you stay?/ People making choices, they can't fake/ Sacrifice it all and maybe say"

G - "Get Your Wish" by Porter Robinson: "Don't say you lose just yet/ Get up and move ahead/ And not only for yourself/ 'Cause that's your role/ The work that stirred your soul/ You can make for someone else"

Y - "Youth" by Daughter: "We are the reckless, we are the wild youth/ Chasing visions of our futures/ One day, we'll reveal the truth/ That one will die before he gets there/ And if you're still bleeding, you're the lucky ones/ 'Cause most of our feelings, they are dead and they are gone/ We're setting fire to our insides for fun"

O - "Octave of the Maushiro" by Chewie Melodies

F - "Future Friends" by Tilian: "Slow down/Give me a reason not to slow down/ I can feel the bottom and it's cold now/ I'm on the outside looking in/ So I'm calling on my future friends"

T - "The Hymn" by FLOYA: "I hope you understand that I cannot stay/ Don't expect you to feel the same/ There's a dream that I have to chase/ I'm feeling alive in the unknown/ Dancing to the hymn of the wind/ And though you and I are on our own/ I know you're close whenever I feel alone"

H - "here and now" by Tony22: "Here and now i'll find my hope/Yesterday is far gone and tomorrow never comes/Here and now's where I belong/So tired of using the present moment as my stepping stone"

E - "Eternal Sunshine" by Jhene Aiko: "Is it strange for me to say that if I were to die today/There's not a thing that I would change, I've lived well/ Maybe I have made mistakes and been through my fair share of pain/ But all in all, it's been okay, I've lived well"

M - "Miss You" by trentemøller

O - "Old Weapon Testing Ground" from HSR OST

O - "OUTRO" by LUCY

N - "North" from the Ender Lilies OST

#this was fun because i had to go search around a bit #askdfjahl i have an octavia playlist but theres only three songs on there 2/3 of them were listed #the instrumental songs are ones that ive mostly written to for octavia myeheh #or it just gives off certain vibes for them #speaking of octavia #i had a call today with my friend and i accidentally rambled (i was off in my own world tbh LMAO)#about transduction arc and i was like AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH #but talking about it? it made me a little more motivated to write it #but HH WHEN?#ngl if i just dip out in june just to go insane in writing ✌🏼hbd to me ig lmao #but 'future friends' the more i think about it the more it reads a lot like transduction arc!octavia lmao #dont ask about the arcs im just rambling to myself LMAO #girls on a mission to destroy herself and shes only being stopped by the friends she kinda blindsided #oh god now that im slowly finishing this...#its mostly instrumentals LKAJSDAHF #okay only SOME of this ive written to #but theres certain vibes to them that give off octavia vibes #which is weird bc a lot of it feels like they contrast one another #like outro for example feels like the happy tranquil ending for them (fitting outro)#miss you feels like when they're lost in themself. which fits the vibe for octave #asdlfkadsjhaflk #tag games #again no obligation #also im sleep deprived idc if im posting about octavia here hi LMAO #and im about to do another one bc im just digging lmao #but anyways ~#to tag later #bc i want to put this on the other blog for octavia #and then dissect it out further lmao #for octavia

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ragnar0c · 8 months

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Something about the way EO2 puts all its foes so close to walls and purposely turns your icon to the wall so you can't escape makes me wanna eat sandpaper.

#ragna ramblings #this has gotta be one of the worst foe mechanics ever besides EO3's foe blindside and preemptives #matter of fact i still dont know how those work 💀 oh eo3 #anyway what just happened to me was kinda rare and unfortunate.#got an encounter right by an foe (not facing the wall) foe joins and turns me to the wall ‼#this game is lucky i like it

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wabblebees · 2 years

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#i just think if yr assignment in yr college poetry class is to share a poem with a small group of yr fellow students who u dont know at all #& yr poem is abt self harm in the most triggering graphic way possible. maybe dont fucking share that one for feedback from yr classmates.#bc. holy fucking hell dude. like thats still fucking me up hours later #ill be fine i promise #but. god. holy shit.#im not saying you cant write abt that bc!! i sure fucken do!! but id never fucking share that shit without at the VERY least including a tw #beforehand. and i certainly wouldnt be sharing it in a situation where other people's fucking grades are dependant on engaging with #that particular piece of writing and giving me FUCKING FEEDBACK on how to ~improve my prose~ and shit??#after reading it i wound up moving all of my... shit. into the common area in the house and going on a long-ass walk to get away from it #but my brain is still. yeah. it just blindsided me really hard out of nowhere and now im just kinda. stuck.#especially since im too restless to fall asleep and too tired to be awake. otherwise im being very deliberately careful with meself tho #which is!! certainly a vast improvement!! so that i will take!!#self-harm mention in tags #sh ment in tags #self-harm ment in tags #like i said ill be fine! its just been. a lot!! on top of a day+week+month thats already been very brainweirdbad #and i needed an extra place to vent after talking to some of my people abt whats up #bee speaks

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fallingforfandoms · 2 years

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Guess who was stupid enough to binge/skip through s2 of capitani and is now done with everything and in desperate need for fix-it/fishing AU fics and guess who was supposed to get up in three bloody hours, I'm ... it's me. I'm stupid. Fml.

#do you ever have that weird gut feeling of 'this character rarely gets this kinda meaningful background music so this is .... worrying'#AND THEN TURNS OUT YOU'RE RIGHT #and just this once i really didn't wanna be right :(((#wollte gerade nachschauen ob's den teil auch im offiziellen soundtrack gibt #und da ist einfach ein titel namens '[...]'s demise' drin??#like ... THAT'S NOT HOW YOU NAME SOUNDTRACKS #gut dass ich mir den vorher nicht durchgelesen hab #andererseits ... got kinda blindsided that way ugh #i found it btw it's called 'not alone' and i'm ... taking back every rant about their naming skills #because i fully expected some lovely little bonding tune and instead i got blindsided YET AGAIN #because ... yeah that scene was definitely not characterized by being alone #and this time i'm almost inclined to say their bloody little trick worked on me #(and by the way it was me who redacted the demise title for spoiling reasons because ... at least at that i'm better than them ugh)#ok that's it good night good morning and goodbye to [them] and the rest who made it out alive and hugging and fishing #(technically [they] were also hugging though ... on the floor ... with one party much more active than the other)#(i'm ... not even making sense anymore ... toodaloo)

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tyblacktorn · 2 years

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just finished the summer I turned pretty and cried so hard during the last minutes goodness

#the summer i turned pretty #tsitp spoilers #tsitp #i have not read the books so I was completely blindsided by everything that happened #it was def very cheesy at times but man it was also kinda heartbreaking and it just got me good #also I know she wasn’t as into cam but he was so cute #maybe i SHOULD read the books cause I’m anxious about how this will end #the way this soundtrack felt like a peak into one of my personal playlists tho lol #all the tswift songs… me as a director #laura rambles

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zoekrystall · 3 months

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It's 5am and I am once again thinking abt how my ex sounded like he didn't believe me when I said I'm probably autistic but when I talked abt maybe being plural(/having did, now don't use those terms bc don't wanna) he went "oh yeah no that makes sense". Lost it a bit on the phone call bc I didn't expect that response. I had so many questions.

#a wild lux appears #also sometimes I want him back but there were so many reasons to cut it. for one he likes cops which is for me enough nowadays.#Offered to talk abt views if changed and then see but didn't respond for like a year at all so! Perma block finally.#Reg how often I got left stranded by him do I not except to ever hear anything again #Anyways that exchange was kinda funny tho bc how do you dismiss self dx autism but not self dx plurality #Obv don't dismiss any self dx but by how he appeared to view all that was I just so blindsided

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cosmal · 1 year

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ooooh poly!marauders who are really in tune with their s/o's emotions, even when she tries to hide them? like maybe they're out for a meal or at a party and she gets overwhelmed and they just realise straight away and bring her out of the setting? i love them soooo much

in the car

summary the boys take you home when you get overwhelmed at a party.

content poly!marauders x fem!reader

note omg first poly!m blurb. sorry it kinda sucks :[

You sit on a retaining wall in Marlene's backyard and try to focus on her pretty flowers instead of feeling so anxious. You haven't spoken to anyone in twenty minutes, not even the boys, and you've really tried your best not to put such a damper on the night.

They're having a lot of fun, you know they've had a tiring week and everyone hasn't been together in a long time so you won't ruin anything for them.

You pick at your nails and chew on the ice in your drink to keep your mind distracted. You thought you could handle it tonight, you hoped you wouldn't get as overwhelmed as you were expecting. You'd felt anxious before you even left, you thought seeing your friends might've helped.

You're too busy staring a hole through your glass to notice James sitting next to you. You startle when he speaks and bite your lip at your error.

"Hey, sweetheart," he says softly and ignores your jump. You feel a little pathetic.

"James," you sigh. You can't look him in the eye.

"Ready to go?" he clasps and hand to your shoulder and does that stupid, toothy grin he knows you love.

"What? We just got here." It feels like it's been hours. It's been one at most.

"Yeah, I know." He stands back up and hovers over you. It's almost irritating how pretty he looks. He doesn't make any of this any easier. You feel awful for ruining their night. "You look so sad, honey. We thought we'd go home."

"I can Uber if you want." You regret it before you even say it.

"What? No, don't be so silly." Yeah. Expected.

"I don't wanna leave just cause of me. I'm fine, don't worry."

James doesn't let you mope any longer. "No, c'mon, up."

"James..."

"It's okay," he takes your hand to encourage you, smiling, "really. I wanna leave anyway." Then much quieter, "Frank's tryna get me drunk."

You let him lift you up and fall into his side where you feel you belong. You feel half-relieved already, despite feeling selfish. "Where're the others?"

"Sirius went to get the car,'' he grabs your hand and leads you through the side gate. "I think Remus went with him."

You're not sure why you feel so blindsided by this all. Most of the time they're so intuned with you, they know when you're overwhelmed or just having a bad time. You're the same with them. You rub Remus's shoulders before without him telling you they're sore, you call James when you know he's having a bad day after he messages you, and you hug Sirius before he tells you he wants a cry.

You step out onto the pavement and find Sirius pulled up with Remus, waiting for you and James. You feel bad for ditching but not as much as so when they look so happy to see you. "What if I'd convinced you to stay? They would've been out here all night, probably," you ask before you get to the car.

"Wouldn't have worked." He opens your door for you.

You slide along the back seat for James to sit next to you and are welcomed by a lovely warmth. James gets in too and you think he wants to click you in as well but decides against it.

"You okay, lovely?" Remus asks from the passenger seat, he twists around to look you over and you feel bare.

"I'm okay," you say softly. "Hasn't Sirius been drinking?"

Sirius snorts from behind the wheel. "I've had two, don't worry, lovely."

You know you're deflecting, you suspect as soon as Sirius also asks if you're okay, you might cry. Your throat feels thick with an upset that feels worse now in a contained space. This is half the reason you wanted to leave on your own. Not that being surrounded by your boys when you're upset is bad, just might've been easier to steel yourself.

You reach a hand down on the seat between you and James and scrunch it tight. He unclicks himself and sides over to you. He gets an arm around your shoulder and encourages you into his side, as much as your seatbelt will allow.

"You okay?" Sirius dangerously whips his head back to look at you, pouting.

The first tear dribbles down your cheek.

You hide your face in James's firm shoulder and shake your head. He tuts and cages your head in with a big hand. Your tears are hot and slow, marring James's pretty shirt. You hope you don't turn messy with it. He looks good.

James murmurs something like, "Hurry up, Sirius." The car roars.

You feel the car slow at a red light and peel yourself away from James's chest. Face wet and hot, your hair stuck to your cheeks. "Shit, I'm sorry," you curse and wipe your face with a rough hand. James's arm stays around your shoulder.

"Hey, it's okay, yeah?" Remus uses his long arm to grab your knee. He squeezes firmly and it feels nice. You hope you're close to home, you want to hug Sirius as well. He looks similarly worked up.

"I'm sorry I made us leave," you sniffle.

"You didn't make us do anything," James says, voice as firm as he can manage. "We don't mind. It's just...you gotta tell us if you're not feeling good, okay? We might be able to prevent these pretty eyes from crying." He uses the side of his finger to wipe under your watery eyes, brushing over your clumped eyelashes. You blink slowly.

"I didn't want to ruin-"

"You didn't ruin anything," Sirius interrupts, "We just want to make sure you're okay."

He steals another look at you. You nod gently. "Yeah."

"Remus was complaining to me, anyways," James says, smug. "Said I looked so good that he wanted to take me home."

You start to laugh, much to the boy's pleasure. "Really?"

"Yeah," James nods, "Said he wanted to - and I quote - jump my bones."

Remus looks incensed. You're just happy the teasing isn't on your behalf for once. "Whatever, James."

"You do look pretty, James," you say, still sidled up to him, "I don't blame him."

He squeezes you hard. and laughs, pleased you're feeling better. "I'm sure Remus'll be telling me all night how good this shirt looks on me."

"It does!"

"Okay, James's head might explode," Sirius says. He'd looked just as in love all night, you'd seen it.

"Woah!"

You sit back and watch your boys fight over stupid things. You think you could do it for the rest of your life if they allowed it. You're sure they'd make a fool of themselves over and over if it made you happy.

Sirius catches you staring. "Feeling a little better?"

You nod, pleased, but embarrassed to be caught. "Yeah."

"Good." You must be almost home.

"Hey, Sirius?" you say softly.

"Yeah, lovely?" He might crash if he keeps turning to look at you like that.

"Can we stop at McDonald's?" you ask softly, even softer eyes like he'd ever say no.

"Yeah, sounds good. Remus needs a happy meal."

#poly marauders #poly!marauders x reader #poly!marauders #poly!marauders x fem!reader #remus lupin x reader #james potter x reader #sirius black x reader #the marauders #the marauders x reader #the marauders fanfiction #poly marauders x reader

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fragiledewdrop · 7 months

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WHERE NOW THE HORSE AND THE RIDER-Aka how I just had a Tolkien related freak out on the train

I can't believe what just happened to me. As in, it's such a weird chain of events that it has left me a little dizzy.

I was reading "Les Nourritures Terrestres" by Gide, and I got to a point he cites parts of a poem which I liked very much. The notes informed me that it's a French translation of "an 8th century saxon elegy called 'The Wanderer' "

That intrigued me, and, being on a train with a lot of time to pass (plus being a little tired of reading in French), I took out my phone and searched for the poem.

I found it here. It's the lament of a warrior in exile who has lost his lord and mourns the joy and glory of a world that has now disappeared. I was enjoying it a lot.

And then I got to this point:

And my mouth actually dropped open, because what?

Are you telling me that the Lament for the Rohirrim, one of my favourite poems in LOTR, which I learnt by heart at 13 and later took care to learn in the original English, which I sing when I do the dishes and which routinely makes me cry, is Tolkien's translation of an 8th century Saxon elegy?

Well, the notes at the end of the page confirmed it:

"Tolkien's rendition is hard to resist" I bet it is. I love that professional philologists add notes to their work saying "yeah, by the way, this bit here? It's in your favourite fantasy novel, and I am kinda jealous of how well it was translated, but it's Tolkien, the man spoke Old English, what can you do? Carry on, xoxo"

I mean, I had gathered that the Tolkien poem played on themes used in medieval literature, but I had no idea it was based on an actual, specific text. That makes it a hundred times cooler!

Maybe it's common knowledge, but it was a delicious tidbit of good news to me. Especially since I wasn't expecting it in the least, so I was blindsided by it.

Cherry on top? I had ignored the Old English text, since I don't understand it, but at the end I gave it a cursory read , and the line "Alas for the splendor of the prince"? "Eala þeodnes þrym!"

Now, I have never studied Old English, but I know roughly how to pronounce it (what kind of Silmarillion fan would I be if I didn’t recognize the thorn?). þeodnes has to be where "Theoden" comes from, right?

Apparently yes. I googled the "Lament for the Rohirrim", and Tolkien Gathaway has a nice little parapraph in which they explain all this. I don't know why I had never read it before, but it was a lot more fun learning it as an unexpected detour from my French practice, not gonna lie.

Bottom line: Tolkien was a both a nerd and a genius and continues to make my life brighter, and this is one of those moments in which I am very happy I have spent years of my life learning languages.

Thanks for coming to my impromptu TedTalk.

#tolkien #lotr #rohirrim #rohan #theoden #meta #lotr meta #I feel like a kid at christmas #lament for the rohirrim #poetry

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gorgeouslypink · 5 months

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something that i think people don't understand abt manifesting is that you really need to forget abt the "how"

i want to share something that happened recently at work. as many of you know, im working my dream job that i manifested in the void. the coworkers are great, the pay is amazing, i do like the work im doing and i manifested being really good at it too BUT recently i kind of hit a block mentally. there wasn't really anything i disliked and i couldn't even explain what i felt and why i felt this way.

i talked to some friends but all they could suggest is getting a new job but that wasn't it either.

anyways i know LOA and i can even enter the void. i didn't enter the void for this issue because i didn't know what i wanted so one night, when i was contemplating this entire issue, i decided no more. i just knowingly told myself that i would start loving my job and did SATS for it.

within the next day, a coworker announced she was moving to a different company. and by coworker, i meant a huge boss. this threw our entire company into a frenzy and it was determined that my department was to take on some of her stuff. all of us had our responsibilities moved around and i got some new tasks.

these new tasks are so fun! and i also came into realization as to what was troubling me. i work in data analytics, meaning i look at all my company's data and i analyze trends or anything else people need. i manifested being insanely good at coding and having an easy time with projects so i really like this job but i kinda didn't see any results of my work. i would do all this work and then hand it off to someone and just start doing something else. however, one of my new responsibilities is actually seeing what happens with my data, seeing what people do with it, and I'm now able to directly speak to some people in meetings and such and emphasize my thoughts. when i first manifested everything in the void, it was coming from a girl who was pretty insecure and shy and liked to keep to herself. im still an introvert (ig that never really leaves you) but now im way more confident and ig i really wanted to talk to people and push my ideas more.

not to mention, these new responsibilities opened up a whole new coworker circle for me. don't get me wrong, i love my coworker friends but it's always fun to meet newer people and i met some really nice people who are changing the way i think professionally but are also great people in general.

i also got my equipment upgraded and i never realized how annoying my old equipment was until i experienced the new equipment.

anyways i could go on and on but the point im trying to make is "don't worry about the how." i literally didn't even know why i was feeling down and if you had asked me before if that coworker would be leaving, i would have said no. she's been working there for 20+ years and she always loved her job and had amazing benefits so no one saw this coming, but i did talk to her and she said she always wanted to try a different industry and she finally got the opportunity. not to mention, my department and her department aren't even closely related. ig my department knows a little bit of everyone's stuff because we look at everyone's data but we were totally blindsided when we were first told thar we were the ones that were going to help take over, esp such a high level person's job.

this is a side story but one night, i just really wanted some cookies. ig i was having midnight munchies but the cookies were 25 miles away and there was just no way it was happening. anyways i fell asleep knowing that i was going to get the cookies the next day and i was just thinking of doordash or grabbing them myself but when i woke up, the cookies were on the kitchen table. before everyone starts hating and asking how those cookies appeared out of nowhere, apparently my friend was in the area and thought of me so she grabbed me some as soon as they opened and left it on my kitchen table.

so seriously, stop worrying about the how and what ifs and just go straight to your desire.

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emilicious0 · 21 days

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alastor x the dazzlings inspired! reader

a/n one of my favorite things are always crossovers so I think I will do more of them (this one is kinda cringe but anyway). reader is gn!!!!! and also, reader isn't particularly any of the dazzlings, just inspired.

alastor was thriving in his success at beating vox and once again embarrassing the TV demon in front of the whole pride ring. and even if the old pal of his still got on his nerves, it was worth the effort to piss the loser off, at least, in alastor's opinion.

for the first time in 7 years, a genuine smile showed on the radio demon's face, which, sadly or not, lasted not so long.

it was a strange sound. beautiful, the most beautiful sound he ever heard, but strange and unsettling at the same time.

coming from his radio station, he tried to stop it, but he failed - the voices became only louder.

yes, the voices. no, the voice.

the most beautiful voice he ever heard.

it sang a song. so captivating and mysterious, hypnotic even.

... oh-whoa-oh, oh-whoa-oh...

...you didn't know that you fell...

... oh-whoa-oh, oh-whoa-oh...

...now that you're under our spell...

the louder the song got, the more clearly he could hear the lead voice - soft and comforting, yet dangerous, a voice that made him salivate.

...blindsided by the beat

clapping your hands,

stomping your feet...

...you didn't know that you fell...

oh-whoa-oh-oh-oh...

...now you've fallen under our spell

oh-whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh...

alastor could swear that the person who sang it was just next to him, whispering in his ear. his hand snapped to his side, checking, but no one was there.

but he could swear that the singer chuckled.

listen to the sound of my voice...

he listened, he listened and drank every word.

...soon you'll find you don't have a choice

his soul was now gripped by something he had never felt; he wanted to serve this voice.

captured in the web of my song...

alastor gripped the cloth where his dead heart was. the man could swear it was beating even faster than when he was alive.

...soon you'll all be singing along!

at that, the music got to its loudest point and then silence.

pure silence.

"remember hell, this broadcast. me and my sisters are not going to stop until we get what we want..." now talking, the captivating voice was full of confidence and power, "...and remember the name of Y/N Y/L/N!"

the last thing alastor heard was an evil laugh which made him drop on his seat, shocked by the experience he just had.

oh, he wanted to meet this powerful sinner, to drink their blood. oh, how he wanted that.

he never wanted anything more than this.

#hazbin hotel #hazbin hotel x reader #hazbin alastor #hazbin hotel alastor #hazbin hotel alastor x reader #alastor x reader #alastor #alastor hazbin hotel #alastor hazbin x reader #alastor x you #alastor x y/n #the dazzlings #crossover

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ladykailitha · 27 days

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Across a Crowded Room Part 2

This has five parts and is complete. It will be released every Saturday.

In this we has Steve's friends be dim, Eddie bringing breakfast, and Steve be a lovable dork.

Part 1

@mira-jadeamethyst @rozzieroos @itsall-taken @redfreckledwolf @emly03

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Steve had been shocked by the greeting of Eddie spinning him around. But not as flabbergasted as when Eddie kissed him on the lips just for saying that he missed him.

After Eddie left, Steve felt three pairs of eyes on him and he squirmed a little under their gaze.

“What?”

“Look,” Maria said, “you have been talking this guy up for weeks. Ever since you announced he was coming to stay for a week. And yeah we knew you had a crush on the guy, but this was holy shit fastest levels of yearning to relationship I’ve ever seen.”

Jarren nodded. “I mean, he’s hotter and cooler than you said he was. Like an actual record deal for his metal band? So cool. Long curly hair and doe eyes? So hot. But that’s not the point I’m trying to make here.”

“It better not be,” Steve groused. “Mine!”

Jarren laughed. “All yours, Steve. I promise. But the point I’m trying to make here, is that you kinda blindsided us with this one. Why didn’t you tell us about him before.”

Steve looked over at Robin. “I talk to him all the time. Like prior to him coming out to Chicago, we’d constantly call and text. He’s always commenting on my socials. Like I know I’m slow, but that is extreme levels of dense.”

Jarren and Maria glanced at each other in confusion.

“Wait,” Maria said, “you’re telling me that your ‘stalker’ is that guy?” She pointed toward the door.

Stalker was the name Steve’s friends called Eddie because he would always have commented or liked Steve’s posts by at least the end of the day. Faster than even Robin most days.

“You guys didn’t know?” Robin asked. “Like how many Eddie’s do you think Steve knows?”

Jarren held up on finger and then deflated. “Fuck. Yep. We’re idiots.”

Maria tilted her head back and forth and then shrugged. “Yeaaahhh.”

“I’m going to head home,” Steve said looking at his watch. “I’ll catch you guys later.”

They all waved him off with Maria promising she’d get Robin home safe. As he walked to the door he checked his state of drunkenness. He ran his tongue over his lips and decided that an Uber was a better idea than driving home.

He scheduled the ride on his phone and lit a cigarette. He had graduated from college with a bachelor’s degree in education and basically had the whole summer off to get ready for the major change in his life.

Robin was moving out to New York to get her master’s degree and with any luck an internship at the UN as an interpreter.

She was super excited, but it would be the first time since they became friends that they would go their separate ways.

At first she had tried to convince him to do his last year of school in New York so that he could get his teacher’s certificate and teach there.

But as much as Steve was on board with the idea they both realized too quickly that Steve would be miserable in New York.

But Robin?

Robin would thrive.

So they had packed as much time together as they possibly could as they got used to the fact she would be leaving come summer’s end.

His thoughts were interrupted by the driver pulling up. After both of them triple check they were the other’s right person, Steve slid into the back of the car.

“Music or no?” the driver asked, looking at Steve in the rearview mirror.

“No music tonight, man,” Steve said. “I just want a little quiet tonight.”

The driver nodded and directed the car back to the main road that would take Steve home.

Steve made sure to tip well as the ride slipped by in blissful silence.

He thought that he would be thinking nonstop about Robin. About Eddie. About that kiss. But the quiet hum of the car in the darkness soothed Steve mind and while he didn’t sleep, he felt groggy when he got home as if he had.

He thanked the driver and began the slow trek up to the apartment he shared with Robin.

Steve stuck his key into the lock and sighed. Half the apartment was in disarray as it was nothing but half filled boxes and rolls of packing tape and bubble wrap.

Robin had already packed up her stuff and it was sitting in storage waiting for her to tell them to ship it cross country. The only bit of her things that remained was her clothes, which she had been living out of her suitcase, her daily stuff like toothbrush and shit, and her cellphone and laptop.

She had been sharing Steve’s bed because they needed to be next to each other. To hear the other breathe in their sleep. To know that their person was still there.

Yeah, okay so they weren’t handling it as well they had hoped they would.

He had taken off his shoes and flopped face down into the bed when got two messages.

The first was from Robin saying that she was staying the night Maria’s. Something they often did when they got too drunk. The second one was from Eddie.

-Sleep well, angel

Steve blushed. He didn’t even know why. There was just something so sweet about it.

-Night, Eds

He set his phone to the side and rolled over onto his back. He draped his arm of his eyes.

His plan was always going to be telling Eddie he was in love with him. It was also the plan was to move out to California with Eddie after the week. He was going to give up everything to be with him. Because he didn’t think he could live in Chicago by himself.

He had friends here. But without Robin to put a buffer between him and others when he got overwhelmed, he wasn’t sure if he could keep going out. He would become a hermit.

But now that Eddie was going to move out here, Steve knew that he would have other outlets for social interaction. He got along well with the other members of Eddie’s band and it would be great to see them again.

He got up and stripped down to his underwear. He preferred to sleep like that even in the dead of winter, but with Robin sharing the bed with him he had at least been wearing sweats to bed.

He slipped underneath the sheets and wondering what it would be like to feel Eddie’s skin between these sheets.

He fell asleep to the thoughts of Eddie curled up behind him.

****

The next morning was disturbed by the sounds of his soulmate coming home.

“Come on, dingus!” she hollered. “Up! I have coffee and breakfast.”

Steve was up and throwing on a pair sweats, hopping on one foot as he scrambled out to the kitchen.

He skidded to a stop and blinked at the sight before him.

“Look who I found on our doorstep?” Robin greeted cheerfully.

Steve smiled. “Hey, Eds. I’m guessing you are the bearer of breakfast and coffee?”

Robin squawked her outrage, but Eddie grinned. “Sure am, sweetness. Got you that caramel macchiato you love so much, an iced mocha for the lady and a dark roast, cream and two sugars for me.”

Robin glared at him.

“I kid I kid,” he said and handed her the black coffee. “It’s as dark as your soul, Buck.”

She took the coffee and sipped happily. “Yeah, you can keep him.”

Steve laughed.

“If that’s all it took to get soulmate approval,” Eddie teased, “was a single cup of coffee, I would have bought you one years ago.”

Robin pushed at him and then dug into the bag of breakfast sandwiches.

“What’s this?” she asked pulling out a sandwich in a plastic container.

Eddie snatched it out of her hands. “Mine!” He clutched it to his chest and hissed.

Robin held up her hands in surrender. She went back to her digging. She pulled out a breakfast burrito with peppers, onions, mushrooms, eggs and sausage.

“And that one’s mine...” she said sing-song, setting it to the side.

The last one she pulled out was a simple egg, cheese, and sausage on a buttery croissant. She handed it over to Steve.

“Is it creepy he knows our breakfast order?” she asked as she settled into to her coffee and breakfast.

Steve scoffed. “Robin you have posted about that same burrito almost every Sunday for the last two years, if he didn’t know what you liked, then I would be concerned.”

“Oops!” she said around a bit of food.

Eddie just shook his head and dived into his breakfast.

“What did you get, Eds?” Steve asked.

Eddie had just taken a bite, so he didn’t answer immediately. But he moaned happily around his bite.

“That, my darlin’,” he said once his mouth was clear, “is an eggs Benedict in a breakfast sandwich and I’m in heaven.” He wiped his mouth with his fingers and sucked on them to lick them clean.

Steve’s eyes went wide as he followed the movement. He licked the bottom of his lip and forced himself to look away before the situation got uncomfortable.

“It’s almost as good as the eggs Benedict Uncle Wayne used to make. I see why you guys love that place so much.”

“Yeah...” Robin said, “I’m gonna talk to Kendra and see if I can sleep on her sofa this week...”

Eddie and Steve’s heads snapped her direction.

“What?” Eddie asked, oblivious to Steve’s torture.

Robin rolled her eyes. “I don’t want to be around when the tension finally breaks and you fuck like rabbits on every surface of this apartment. Just clean up after yourselves, yeah?”

She hastily finished her burrito and kissed Steve’s cheek. She walked down the hallway to their bedroom to change out what she was wearing and to shower.

Eddie chuckled at her swift exit. “I didn’t realize I was being that obvious.”

“I think it was the moan that got her,” Steve muttered going back to his sandwich.

Eddie leaned forward and whispered, “Why, darlin'? Did it get you?”

Steve blushed all the way to the roots of his hair. He chewed on his bottom lip and then nodded.

Eddie wagged his eyebrows suggestively.

“Eds!” Steve groaned, pushing the other man’s shoulder. “At least wait until she goes to work, yeah?”

Eddie cackled. “All right, darlin’. I’ll be good until then. But after that, all bets are off.”

Steve felt like heat slid down his spine to pool in his gut.

He gulped and went back to his sandwich. Eddie and Steve were finishing up their breakfast when Robin came back out. She had her bag thrown over one shoulder, ready to go.

“I’m off at five,” she said. “So if you two wanted meet somewhere for dinner, just text me before then.”

She kissed both of them on the cheek goodbye and sauntered out the apartment with a cheerful wave and a “Don’t do anything I would do!” said over her shoulder.

“I’m not sure which of us the menace anymore,” Steve chuckled, shaking his head fondly.

Eddie pulled Steve in for a kiss. “Babe, you share the same brain cell, I’m pretty sure the answer is both of you.”

Steve snorted but couldn’t deny that Eddie was probably right.

“I’m going to miss her when she moves to New York,” he said softly.

Eddie held Steve tightly. “I know, sweetheart. Have you thought about what you want to do after she’s gone? I mean I know you were planning on moving out...” he makes a vague hand motion at the mess around them, “but where were you thinking?”

“Originally or now?” Steve asked after a moment or so just staring at him blankly.

“Is the plan different now that I’m in Chicago?” Eddie asked, pulling back so he could look Steve in the eye.

Steve pursed his lips and nodded.

“Stevie...” Eddie said warningly.

“What?”

“What was your original plan?” he asked dryly.

“Throw myself at you and move to California with you when you went back at the end of the week?” Steve said with a grimace.

Eddie blinked a moment. “Oh.”

“Oh?” Steve asked tilting his head.

Eddie steered him over to the sofa and sat him down on it. “Let’s talk about this for a minute, because even though we want the same things it seems like we’re not on the same page yet.”

Steve furrowed his brow but nodded anyway.

“Hey,” Eddie said firmly. “I’m not saying that’s a bad thing or that I don’t want to be with you. I do, but we need to have a talk about what being together means, okay?”

Steve let out a rough sigh. “Yeah okay.”

“So tell me about this plan of yours.”

Eddie settled himself on the sofa, twisting his body so he was facing Steve. He leaned one arm against the back of the sofa and laced his hands together, giving Steve his full attention.

“I was going to confess my feelings for you tonight over a fancy dinner at my favorite Italian restaurant,” Steve began. “Which I’m still taking you to, but maybe not tonight.”

Eddie smiled encouragingly. “Sounds good so far. What’s next?”

“And then if you told me you felt the same,” Steve continued, ducking his head, “I’d spend the rest of the week trying to convince you to let me go back with you to California.”

Eddie huffed out a laugh. “And what would you do back in Cali, baby?”

“I’d bartend,” Steve said with a shrug. “It’s what I did when I was going to school here anyway. Then during the day I’d get my teaching certificate in LA.”

Eddie blinked and then his expression softened. “Oh, Stevie. That sounds like a great plan. Too bad I blew by getting a record deal out here, huh?”

Steve laughed. “Nah, it just means I didn’t waste my money getting my teaching certificate for here.”

“So now what’s your plan?” Eddie asked after kissing him fiercely.

Steve shrugged. “Well, you’re here apartment hunting, so I figure I can tag along. Because something that might not work out for you...”

“Might work out for you instead,” Eddie finished. He licked the top row of his teeth thoughtful. “Sounds like fun. Let’s do it!”

“Today or later this week?”

Eddie grabbed Steve’s wrist and hauled him to his feet. “Go get dressed, baby, I want to go apartment hunting with you.”

Steve kissed him deeply and then went and did as he was told.

****

Part 3 Part 4 Part 5

Tag List: @counting-dollars-counting-stars @spectrum-spectre @estrellami-1 @zerokrox-blog @gregre369 @a-little-unsteddie @chaosgremlinmunson @messrs-weasley @chaoticlovingdreamer @maya-custodios-dionach @danili666 @goodolefashionedloverboi @val-from-lawrence @i-must-potato @carlyv @wonderland-girl143-blog @justforthedead89 @vecnuthy @irregular-child @bookbinderbitch @bookworm0690 @anne-bennett-cosplayer @yikes-a-bee @awkwardgravity1 @littlewildflowerkitten @genderless-spoon @cinnamon-mushroomabomination @dragonmama76 @scheodingers-muppet @ellietheasexylibrarian @thedragonsaunt @useless-nb-bisexual @disrespectedgoatman

#my writing #stranger things #steddie #ladykailtiha writes

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ninja-knox-ur-sox-off · 2 years

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WELCOME BACK TO KNOX RAMBLES ABOUT THAT MONKIE SHOW AND CALLS IT AN ANALYSIS, THIS TIME FEATURING

MACAQUE AND HOW HIS PERCEPTION OF MK EFFECTS THEIR DYNAMIC (briefly) AND HOW THE WAY IT CHANGES EFFECTS HIS CHARACTER GROWTH (in more detail)

Alright, so, getting right into it: Macaque doesn’t really see Mk as a person at the start.

It’s “…nothing personal!” because he has no personal connection to Mk at this point. Sure he might think he’s funny, might even enjoy training him in a weird way, he even says he’s a good kid,

but he’s Sun Wukong’s student and a stepping stone to get to his Mentor and nothing more.

If Mk was killed in the battle between him and SWK he couldn’t have cared less, just another mortal not a huge deal, there’s lots of good ones that die out there and he’d probably be doing him a favour anyways so that he doesn’t have to experience the stuff that comes with knowing the Monkey King personally. He shows no remorse for endangering Mk, mostly due to the fact, I think that his focus is entirely on Wukong.

Mk beats him instead of Sun Wukong (the first account of Macaque underestimating Mk) and Macaque disappears for a while to regroup or figure out some other way to get Sun Wukong to fight him since Mk can clearly take care of himself and Wukong’s already proven he’s not going to fight Macaque all out even if he endangers his student so mainly stays out of the way for a while. (Honestly all speculation, I have no idea what this dude’s plan was BGSDL;KFJS)

Then we get Shadowplay and the dynamic shifts again.

Now Macaque seems to see Mk as less of Wukong’s student and more of just straight up another Sun Wukong.

He pokes at him, monologues at him, and shoves him into the same box he has Wukong in with the whole “got too powerful and so you ditched your friends cause you’re selfish,”

and keeps talking about how he’s “just a that bit too much like him.”

He can’t get Wukong to fight him so he redirects most of his focus on Mk for a while and relishes any chance he gets to beat him down and show him how good he’s not

because he thinks this is a Wukong he can manipulate and he still doesn’t see Mk as Mk yet. His attachment is there because this is a Wukong he can mess with, and whenever Mk proves that’s not true and beats him, which he always looks thrown by,

he runs off and gives some theatric dramatic spiel about being his mentor and all that.

During the ses 3 arch he’s got a weird sort of attachment to Mk and it’s starting to become it’s own separate thing from Wukong but it’s still because of Wukong. He’s familiar with him in a way that gets a reaction out of Mk because he likes messing with him, not really cause he feels close to him.

“Hey, kiddo. You miss me?”

“No.”

He’s still treating him like someone who’s being gaslit by Wukong and needs his guidance. He talks down at him, takes every opportunity to mess with him, and is blindsided by how Mk responds because he still seems to only see him as far as his own connection with Wukong.

He does a bit of the same thing to Tang, making the assumption that he’s much closer to Monkey King than he actually is, and pins the blame of Tang being benched on Wukong when he actually kinda had nothing to do with it.

He seems to think he needs to “save” people from being around Wukong cause the fallout isn’t worth it, and yet all he seems to want is to be around him and beat him.

Just a theory here, but I think it would be fascinating if Wukong “abandoned him” when he went to fight Heaven for the last time before he ended up under the mountain and told Macaque he couldn’t come because he wasn’t strong enough, he wouldn’t survive. It would explain Macaque’s incessant need to gain more power and fight Wukong, because if he misinterpreted that as Wukong saying he wasn’t as powerful as him so he wasn’t worth taking along and he never came back, then a lot of what he does would kinda make sense because he might have been basing his worth as a person off of how powerful he is, and if he can finally beat Wukong to show he’s just as powerful, no more powerful, then he’ll finally have to accept he’s worth something and he was stupid for leaving. (Dude’s got issues whatever the case.)

Macaque’s whole thing seems to be about proving he’s stronger than them. He throws Mk around,

goads him into fighting him,

usually by threatening his friends

tries to get Wukong to go all out on him even going so far as to threatening to straight up kill Mk, and no matter how many times Mk beats him,

he still stands back up and pretends he has the upper hand.

He walks away from battles before they end like a kid who knows they’re losing the board game so they tap out saying they got bored and they could win if they wanted to, they’re just not interested anymore.

The exception to that being when he’s hyped up on LBD magic, but the moment that’s gone and he’s faced with an angry Sun Wukong he just tries to run without even bothering to pretend he has the upper hand because he knows he doesn’t.

All throughout season 3, Mk is trying to reach out to Macaque,

and Macaque keeps rejecting that.

And still doesn’t seem to see Mk as his own person yet. He cares about himself more than he does anyone else, and despite every display of selfishness Macaque gives,

Mk still reaches his hand out and gives him a chance to be something more.

Wukong was ready to beat the crap out of him for what he did to Mei, which, fair, but Mk still offers him a spot with them, to fight for something more than himself, and it destroys Macaque’s perception of Mk in that moment, when he refuses to leave his friend, even though he knows he could die if he doesn’t, and even amidst something Macaque helped cause, he still reaches out for him, and every bit of Macaque’s warped perception of him being a mini-Wukong shatters.

Mk extends his hand yet again, and he rejects it.

His view has been flipped on its head. He steps back, runs without belittling, he rejects him without the violence he’d usually lash out with, he vanishes without deflecting, but doesn’t go far. We see him keeping an eye on Mk during The Corrupted King

and even rescuing him when things go to heck.

Because without all the bitterness he has for Wukong warping his perception of Mk, he’s finally seen, at least partially, who Mk is (thought not fully realizing it yet) and wants to accept that invitation to join them. But he doesn’t.

He helps them without joining them, in a way that he doesn’t have any expectations on him. He brings them the mayor

and tries to talk them through what he knows,

but when they bring him into their plan all he has to say is:

“I’m not up to being a hero, kid.”

And Mk counters without missing a beat: “We don’t need you to beat him.” “We can do this. You can do this.”

Macaque tries to deflect again, and Mk’s having none of that. He calls him out. Macaque is there for a reason, and he plays at being this selfish guy so hard he’s convinced everyone around him and almost himself too, and Mk can see him not for what he is, but who he has the potential to be.

And then in the first bit of honest dialogue we get from him, without any cocky smirks or attempt at deflection, just quiet and a little self loathing.

“I’m not a hero, bud.”

“Then be a Warrior.”

Which, essentially is Mk saying that he doesn’t need to be a hero. And he doesn’t expect that of him either. Macaque looks at heroes, he looks at Mk and Wukong and cannot see himself fitting into that mold, so why even try? Why even try to be more than what he is. Why join the heroes when he can never be one of them? And then Mk comes in saying he doesn’t need to be. He doesn’t need to be anything but himself.

And that’s when it really clicks. That completes Macaque’s realization of the type of person Mk is. Macaque stops seeing Mk as a stepping stone, a way to get to Wukong, a mini-Wukong, or anything else, he stops being scared of accepting an offer for fear he can’t live up to it and in that moment he starts seeing him as Mk. Because somehow, despite everything, despite his many displays of selfishness, endangering his friends, making their lives so much more difficult, Mk still doesn’t hate him, he won’t hate him. And he isn’t asking him to be more than what he already is. He looks at this messed up shadow Monkey who believes he can never be a hero and tells him being a warrior is enough.

And then Macaque drops back. He stops pretending. “Okay, kid. You win.” Stops hiding what he is

“What can I say? I’m dramatic.”

He stops trying to prove something.

He’s not the main point of focus anymore (kinda like Red Son’s arch now that I think about it,) he stops trying to get in their faces, he stops talking down to Mk, stops playing at trying to be his mentor like he has something to teach him,

stops pushing him off balance, he waits for him without pushing him

and when Mk is knocked over he actually goes so far as to pick him back up again, and leans on him in a hidden display of support to keep him steady and act casual.

He’s willing to face Wukong, not to win, he knows he can’t

but just to buy time because he doesn’t need to prove he’s stronger or better after Mk just flat up tells him all he needs is to be what he is and what he chooses to be. He chose the Warrior moniker and Mk basically gives him permission he didn’t want to admit he needed to just be himself. Macaque isn’t a super terrible person when he’s not pretending to be something he’s not.

Even at the end in that little scene with the crew relaxing, he could have went back to goading Mk or talking down at him, looming above him, but instead he’s down at his level

“you were done with that, right?”

His little theatre drama is back a bit, but its the most playful and non-confrontational we’ve seen him, even when Wukong is right there, because Mk isn’t Wukong’s successor anymore he’s just Mk to Macaque, just like how Macaque isn’t anything but himself to Mk. He’s not really pretending to be his mentor anymore, or one of the big baddies he should be fighting either. He’s just Macaque. You see him close right up again when Wukong starts talking, stands up, crosses his arms across his chest, gets defensive, looking away

but his issues with Wukong are no longer directed at Mk because he finally sees that Mk’s his own person, and that bias he previously had is gone. He’s a lot calmer, chill, and is okay with being seen out in the light. He lingered aroudn the group for a bit rather than dipping right after like he might have before. Which honestly is a huge step for his character and WHAT AN AMAZING ARC THAT I DIDN’T APPRECIATE ENOUGH WHEN THE FANALE CAME OUT BECAUSE I WAS GETTING BODYCHECKED BY BURN OUT BUT M A N

I honestly don’t know how the next arc will handle his and Wukong’s dynamic there or if we’ll ever get closure or an unbiased account on the fall-out that happened between them or how the crew will write that, but honestly I don’t mind this dynamic they have right at the end there so much because, while the arguing/banter is easy to fall back into and just seems to feel like a safe spot for the both off them (i’m not sure they know how to react to one another without that bit of a challenge in the conversation anymore, but a lot of the bite is gone,) Macaque seems, for the most part, to be done trying to fight Wukong. He’s got acceptance from Mk and by extension the Monkie crew, and suddenly it seems like getting Wukong’s attention, doesn’t seem to matter to him as much anymore. At least at that moment.

His good-bye is him trying to get under Wukong’s skin, with less aggression than before, just for the sake of messing with him rather than actually goading him into a fight,

and then he softens right up when he says goodbye to Mk, like, actually softens, not to get under his skin, not to talk down at him, but in a more genuine manner, because he finally sees them as separate people and there’s a respect there for Mk that he didn’t have before. He doesn’t need to act so much around him, so that mask he has on, that drama, that “Dunno, somewhere i can do a bit of scheming probably,” turns into a much more genuine, quiet “see you around Mk.”

Mk knows who and what he is, and is okay with that, so, Macaque doesn’t need to pretend to be anything less or anything more. And he’s always welcome back in their little group whenever he’s feeling up to it

The last we see of Macaque, he gives a genuine private smile at the doodle Mk sent with no one else around to see it and the camera pans up with him looking into the sky at the light of the sun, and if that ain’t a blatant metaphor for a brighter future for him with the word “redemption” narrated by Tang right over that, I dunno what is GSDLKJFSD

In any case, there’s a lot of assumption in this analysis/hc post so I could very well be wrong and there’s no guarantee the new director is gonna keep the direction that’s going right now, but this was fun and I’m glad Macaque’s character could get a little bit of a start of a redemption arc there at the end. He’s got a long way to go, but MAN if that ain’t some fire storytelling on the first bit of progress. This show does an amazing job writing it’s characters and I am so glad I’m around to be watching the show.

(Also, I say this about like, 90% of the characters in this show but like MK IS BIG FAVE. He has an amazing ability to just grab the good in people and pull it out so they can see it themselves and just, when they’re ready to change he accepts them in an instant and I am SO curious as to why he choses to be the way he is and i WANT MORE OF HIM SO BADLY I LOVE HIM SO MUCH AND HE IS UNDERRATED EVEN AS THE MAIN CHARACTER OF THE SHOW, I ADORE HIM AND WHAT HE BRINGS OUT IN THE PEOPLE AROUND HIM THANKS)

ANYWAY HOPE Y’ALL HAVE A SPECTACULAR DAY, SENDING YOU GOOD VIBES AND THANKS FOR READING o7

#knox rambles #Monkie Kid #LEGO Monkie Kid #Six Eared Macaque #Analysis #Monkie Kid Analysis #Monkie Kid Headcanons #if this all seems scattered you can blame it on the fact tumblr didn't save half of the changes I made when i was in the zone #so i had to re-write and re-add a bunch of stuff and screenshots and so if it's lumpy that's why :')

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iwritenarrativesandstuff · 1 year

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I've been thinking a lot about the one-dimensional kinda fandom interpretations of Dazai and Chuuya in particular - the overemphasis on Dazai's weird brand of mischief/manipulation and Chuuya's anger and tendency to lash out and how it's not like these traits are... wrong, per se - these are their surface level/immediately notable characteristics - it's just that it misses the nuance as to why these traits likely exist.

What these interpretations don't fully capture is their very similar cores deep down - two people plagued by feelings of alienation, human inadequacy and repeated loss. Despite starting from these very similar places, they both dealt with the issue in near opposite ways. Dazai numbed himself to pain (remember: he hates pain! I cannot emphasize this enough!) and rarely gets close to anyone for fear he will lose them - his loss led to apathy, a withdrawal from humanity, a fear that he will always be empty inside - his ability: No Longer Human. Chuuya, on the other hand, refuses to numb himself and instead feels every single emotion in full and values his bonds with others over anything. He wants to belong and makes efforts to be perceived as a part of his group. Underlying this, however, is a kind of tired grief paired with resilience - remember that his ability is Upon the Tainted Sorrow. Not anger, or rage.

Sorrow is what results from this kind of heavy identity crisis and loss - for both of them. Think of Odasaku's read on Dazai as someone who looked close to tears when "acting" in front of the sniper poised to shoot him, describing him to Gide as a too-smart child left in the dark, or the way Stormbringer constantly reminds us that Chuuya is 16 and the desperation he feels in the scene where he holds his own dying clone, unable to help him.

Both characters carry a melancholy, resulting from their respective issues with their own humanity - I know I'm not the first one to comment on how their abilities could just as easily be referring to each other as well as themselves. This reads as very intentional to me - much like Atsushi's story begins as a clear parallel to the short story Rashoumon and Akutagawa sometimes being referred to in more beast-like terms than man, it makes sense that Dazai and Chuuya would reference each other in a similar vein.

And if that was the end of it, then we would expect that deep sorrow to shine through in both characters, but it rarely does except in pivotal moments. That's because the both of them have had to constantly deal with external threats - they believe they cannot afford to show vulnerability.

So, what you get instead is Dazai taking a kind of twisted ownership over his inhumanity and using it to make people afraid of him and to control everything so that he is never blindsided and hurt again, in the process, further alienating himself and making his issues worse. He inflicts fear so he doesn't have to be afraid. He can relax and be as silly as he wants - so long as everything around him is completely according to his predictions. There's a bonus to his foolish demeanour as well: hardly anyone can read him well enough to get close.

Then you get Chuuya, who feels so strongly and so much that it has no choice but to boil over, and due to never being able to or feeling comfortable with being anything but "the strongest", he hides moments when he is touched, or worried, or grieving, with anger and violence and defensiveness. As such, he is always seen as more weapon than person, a cut above the rest, forever standing out to others no matter how much he tries to integrate. The closest he came to true belonging was wrenched away from him before he could have a chance to know what that would actually feel like with the death of the Flags.

These surface traits are defense mechanisms. And the amusing thing to me is that likely means these two would love if that's all most people ever saw of them. (Of course, they clearly do want to be seen and accepted, but defense mechanisms become automatic over time because they often feel much safer. Likely another reason they clash so much - they see each other, and it is deeply uncomfortable for them both.)

So, you have Dazai defending himself with his two-faced nature, making jokes and/or manipulating everyone in the vicinity, and Chuuya defending himself with intimidation and anger, never letting any vulnerability show through because anger is easier but at the core of all of this is that loss and that grief and the sorrow and fear that pervades from it.

#they both really said 'do not perceive me' lol #i know i'm kinda stating the obvious here but eh #it was fun to write out #also quick note #i don't have the novels on me so i'm relying on memory #if i've misremembered something please let me know and i'll fix it - just be polite!#bsd #bsd dazai #bsd chuuya #soukoku #skk #storyrambles #actually does this even make sense?#lol i hope it does #bsd meta #bsd analysis #ugh i've read this over like five times i'm just gonna post it now

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