#this ones for the (cant remember server name) friends

[star-girl69]

Let Me Love You Like A Woman

Clarisse La Rue x Fem!AphroditeCabin!Reader

—-

synopsis: you and clarisse broke up two months ago, and when you’re selected to go on a mission together, clarisse just wants you to let her love you.

a/n: i feel feelings about this one….. anyways i hope you all enjoy!!

Let Me Love You Like A Woman - Lana Del Rey

******i want to make this clear: there is absolutely NO smut in this fic. terms like “fuck buddies” and “friends with benefits” are used but only bc i cant think of anything else lmao. all they do is makeout and it is suggestive at times but there is NO SMUT

warnings: this is so bad tbh, what is clarisse doing, she’s so confused my little ladybug, y/n my other ladybug is confused too, OH MY GOD THERES ONLY ONE BED, swearing, hate make out sessions but the hate is one sided, kissing obvi!, deep talks about our feelings which is hard for clarisse, angst, mentions of death blood and monsters, lovesick!! slightly desperate!!! clarisse my cutesy little ladybug, exes/enemies w benefits so like mentions of sex and such, very suggestive lol, as an actual server the restaurant scene hurt me to write lol, but for the plot, tell me if i missed anything!!

—-

The Big House is the one place in camp you’re really unfamiliar with. It’s not like you haven’t been there before, it’s just you don’t go there that often.

And unknown places scare you.

There’s hiding places you don’t know about, blind spots you aren’t aware of- corners and small secrets and rules that you haven’t learned yet.

You make your way up the steps and through the porch, the familiar part- you pass by the infirmary and the random office no one uses- until you make it to the connected gondola Chiron and Mr. D. spend most of their time at.

You’re about to turn and enter when a familiar figure appears in front of you.

It hurts to think about how you’ll always know it’s her.

She seems just as shocked to see you but covers it up quickly.

“Y/N,” she smirks, looking you up and down.

You stop, go to turn around and march off in the other direction when you remember you can’t.

Clarisse La Rue doesn’t deserve the dirt under your feet, even though she would probably eat it if you asked- charmspeak used or not.

“Clarisse,” you mumble, and she frowns. You never really called her by her name when you dated, and you know it bothers her now to hear you say it.

That’s exactly why you do it, of course, but the part of you that knows everything about her and will always love her squeezes at the sight of her poorly-hidden sad face.

She’s been slipping up lately. It warms your heart to know that’s because of you.

“What are you doing here?” she asks, genuinely curious.

As a cabin leader, it’s not unusual for Clarisse to be here. But she knows you’re scared of the unknown, and she knows it’s just not in your routine to come here.

“Dunno,” you shrug. “Got called here.”

Her eyes light up. “How funny, so did I.”

You roll your eyes, fighting against the parts of your body that want to run towards her and the parts that want to run away. Instead, you listen to your brain and feel her staring at you as you turn the corner into the gondola.

“Y/N, Clarisse,” Chiron greets with a pleasant smile, setting down a hand of cards face-down. You almost laugh at Mr. D’s disappointed look- Chiron isn’t the trainer of demigods for no reason.

“Yeah, yeah, welcome,” Mr D says, seeming entirely uninterested. You both stand there slightly awkwardly.

Chiron is known to be blunt, so he of course jumps right in.

“We have a mission for the two of you.”

“The two of us? Like, just the two of us?”

The words come out before you can stop them, fingers twisting together and mouth slamming shut. You’re fine, you try to tell yourself, even though your mind and body agree on one thing- being too close to Clarisse will just lead you right back to her.

Clarisse tries to hide her hopeful smile, but you see through it. You loved her for so long, of course you see through it.

“Uh… yes,” Chiron says. You clench your fists.

Mr D seems interested now, especially after your outburst.

“Oh,” he laughs. “I see.” He gestures between the two of you, “there’s bad blood.”

Chiron presses his lips together.

“Nothing that doesn’t make us capable of going on this mission,” Clarisse says, taking a step forward. She smiles at you, but doesn’t make a move to touch you. At least she knows some limits, even if they don’t matter now.

“Well,” Chiron continues, seeming to regret his decision but deciding it’s too late. “Y/N. Your charmspeak, I feel, will be extremely important to this mission. And, Clarisse, daughter of Ares- your skills in battle are nothing to scoff at. There is an item I require the retrieval of. A friend left it in a P.o. box in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina. The journey is not particularly perilous, but being a demigod carries an affinity for danger.”

You nod, crossing your arms over your chest.

“I trust the two of you will be able to put aside your… ‘bad blood’ and complete your mission?”

Maybe this mission will be good for you. It certainly nowhere near the kleos of a quest, but more so gives you bonus points with Chiron. That could be helpful.

Clarisse looks at you.

“Oh, yes. Don’t worry.”

—-

“Y/N.”

You walk away from Clarisse pointedly, hoping she’ll take the hint.

You’ve decided you’ll do this quest. If you ever did want to be a cabin leader in the future- you either had to be well liked or the best. As a daughter of Aphrodite, you were already well liked- conversation and flattery came as easy to you as breathing.

Even before you learned how to use your charmspeak, you could sweet talk almost anyone into doing whatever you wanted. You really needed an A on that test? A few tears and some master manipulation- suddenly that A was yours.

But, Chiron needed to like you too.

You do this quest for him- which he choose you for- and then you earn even more of his respect.

It was such a simple exchange. It could be such a simple exchange, except if the girl hot on your heels wasn’t your partner.

She finally manages to grab your wrist and whip you back around so you’re facing her.

She smiles.

“I’ll always catch you, you know. No use in running, really.”

“At least I’ll go down fighting,” you say, looking anywhere but her eyes like portals that suck you in. She’s so close to you.

If this was the before you would wrap your arms around her neck and hers would go to your waist. Even if you were mad at her, she would press her body close to yours and kiss the corner of your lips- Clarisse made it her life’s mission to know every inch of you, and she succeeded. She would know the exact way to calm you down and get you to look at her and hear her out.

And most of the time you were being dramatic, or simply joking, and then she would kiss you and it would all be fine again.

Except it’s not the before. It’s the after, and your heart hurts being so close to her.

“What do you want, Clarisse?” you sigh.

“I just wanted to talk to you.”

Your chest blazes. “Go talk to literally anyone else.”

Her face hardens.

“How many times do I have to tell you before you understand that you are the only person I care about?”

You rip your hand away from her grip.

“Shut up,” you hiss, turning and walking away.

“Fine. I’ll see you tomorrow at the gates,” you can feel her smile. “And then I’ll see you all on our mission, huh?”

“You’re crazy!”

—-

You walk into the Hermes cabin and fall face first onto your best friend Marley’s bed.

She looks up from her book and laughs.

“Oh, babe, what happened?” she asks, scratching the back of your scalp as you pull yourself up into your elbows and place your head in her lap.

“Mission,” you groan.

She stops. “A mission? For Chiron? Gods, Y/N that’s amazing-”

“With Clarisse.”

She takes her hand away from your scalp and moves to your chin, lifting you up.

As much as Clarisse hurt you and you hate her, Marley had always had a special sort of hatred for her. Even when you were happy and dating- you would tease her that maybe she’s actually a daughter of Ares, seeing how angry she was.

She was always overprotective, she insisted she just had a bad feeling about her- but eventually she stopped and you thought you could have it all.

“I’m sorry,” Marley laughs. “I don’t think I heard you right.”

You put your lips right up to her ear.

“MISSION WITH CLARISSE-”

“Y/N!” she yells and pushes you away, groaning as she holds her ear. “My ears are bleeding now, oh my Gods-”

“You’ll be fine,” you groan, settling back into her lap. “I’m the one who actually has to go with her.”

“Actually?” she whispers after a tense moment. “You actually have to go with her?”

“It’s fine,” you mumble.

“It’s not. Maybe I-I can talk to Chiron, or maybe I could come with you, huh?”

“No, thanks, Marls. It’s alright, really.”

She stares down at you, head tilted slightly to the side. Marley has always been exceptionally good at hiding her emotions. But you can tell she’s angry. She’s scared.

She’s your best friend and you will always love her in the most special way.

“I don’t want you to go,” she whispers.

The Hermes cabin is always a bustle of activity. But when you’re just here with Marley, it’s the two of you. It’s perfect. It’s what you’ve always wanted- selfishly- to feel special. You feel special with her eyes on you, your head in her lap. She’s your best friend.

You put your hand on her face.

“As much as I hate it, we both know Clarisse won’t let anything happen to me. I’ll be safe.”

“Yeah, but what if she does something to you?”

What if she does absolutely nothing and you fall in love with her all over again?

You always thought that all that stuff about feeling your heart physically break couldn’t be true- but you know it is. You felt it break and every time you look at Clarisse and it can’t be like it was before your heart breaks a little more.

Clarisse acted like you were some big secret that was a chore to hide, and then when you were in her arms she would call you the prettiest girl. It was like whiplash, feeling her touch so tenderly and then not even being allowed to look at her in public. And you wanted so badly to tell everyone that she was yours and you were hers- but she just couldn’t.

And you don’t care about the reason behind that, not after that one night, not after she told you she could never love you.

She doesn’t really want you. She acts like she does, but she only misses you on the surface. Sure, you miss her body, but you miss your late night talks and the way she was always there to protect you, the way she made you feel. You like the person you are with her.

She wants an idea of you, she wants you under her, she wants power and control.

You think maybe a part of her really does regret losing you that night. But, she laid it all out that night. What she feels doesn’t make up for what she said. She doesn’t love you because she’s insecure, because she’s self-serving and power hungry.

She makes you feel stupid waiting for her, but why would you wait for someone else when you could wait for her to come back? You don’t like the unknown, and Clarisse is the one thing you really know.

You look into Marley’s eyes now.

“It will be good for me,” you whisper. “I’ll earn Chiron’s respect.”

Marley kisses your cheek.

“I know. I just don’t want you to go, and I know that makes me selfish but- still.”

“I know, Marls. I know,” you whisper. But this will be good for you, and it’s already been done. You already accepted it.

Marley helps you pack and you watch her anger. You watch her roughness, you watch the fire in her eyes- and Gods, does it make you feel special to have a friend like her.

You only wish you could make Clarisse feel like that too.

—-

The bus ride is boring.

Clarisse, for some merciful reason, decides not to torture you and instead throw her dagger up and down.

But you’re bored.

You’ve been reading a book Marley lended you, something boring and wonderfully distracting about the history of the four wind gods- you think about the wind and not about the way Clarisse’s thigh is pressed up next to yours.

It’s only been two months.

As much as you hate it, you won’t even admit it to Marley, but you’ll admit it to yourself in the quietness of the back of the bus.

You close the book and stuff it into your backpack.

You miss her.

“I’m bored,” you announce before you can second guess yourself.

“Okay,” Clarisse hums, picking at a speck of hardened dirt on her dagger. “I know a lot of things we could do to remedy that.”

Your cheeks flush, but you hold your ground. “I’m not going to kiss you. One, it smells like shit back here and two, we’re not dating anymore.”

“True, but doesn’t that just make it more fun?”

“What?”

Her hand moves to your thigh and you let yourself sink into the before.

“We aren’t supposed to- your best-fuckin’-friend would skin me alive. But we both know you want to.”

“I don’t want my lips anywhere near you.”

She just smiles at you, and you suddenly realize you’ve been staring into her eyes this entire time.

She takes her hand off of you and turns away, and this part of you aches so badly for the before- but it’s after. But she doesn’t love you and she just wants you.

But you want her too. You want her so bad, and maybe if you just let yourself sink into her one more time then you can move on. One good goodbye and you’ll be fine.

“Take a nap, then,” she suggests. “We still have another hour before the next rest stop, I’ll wake you up.”

“Okay,” you mumble, a part of you loathing listening to her, but a nap sounds good.

—-

You sleep the best you ever have since you broke up.

Clarisse was always sneaking into your bed, or you into hers, and she was always so warm and made you feel so safe. You always slept with her. And while you could still fall asleep fine without her- it just wasn’t the same.

You wake up to the sound of the bus doors opening and people talking around you.

“Y/N,” Clarisse whispers. “Wake up.”

You realize your head is on her shoulder.

You push her away from you, she just laughs and stands up.

“So stubborn,” she mumbles, leaning down to dig into her bag for the money Chiron gave you.

You resist the urge to say something snarky back, instead choosing to squeeze past her and out into the aisle.

She’s following behind you in a second, her bag zipping up and getting thrown back under the seat.

She’s right up in your ear.

“I know you hate me,” she whispers. “But you can’t just go running off. What if there was a monster right outside the doors?”

The two of you step off of the bus, the bright sunshine making your squint.

You pull up your shirt and pat your hip where your dagger rests.

“I’d kill it.”

You both know you probably couldn’t.

She laughs. “Is that the dagger I gave you?”

Your face freezes but you keep walking into the rest stop.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” you huff.

She sticks her fingers through the loop of your jeans and pulls you into an aisle filled with chips. You suddenly find a bag of Cheetos very interesting.

She looks at your face, into your eyes, and traces her fingers over the dagger’s handle.

“Hm, mine.”

You miss her so bad. You never knew it was possible to miss someone this much. You miss her body and her mind and her voice. You miss her hands and her lips and the way she made you feel.

You don’t pull away. How can you pull away?

It was easy to ignore her when she wasn’t right in front of you, but there’s this part of you that loves her and wants to believe her. Then there’s another part that wants to see her suffer like she did to you.

You push her off of you. “Don’t touch me.”

Again, she just smiles, and that’s really starting to piss you off.

—-

You’re somewhere in the middle of Pennsylvania at a bus stop, waiting to cross the lonesome highway to the other side of the street where a train station awaits you.

“Are you okay?” Clarisse asks, and you realize she’s already stepped out onto the road and you’ve been staring off into nothing. You quickly follow her, half running across the road until you get to the sweet, sweet air conditioned station.

“Yeah, ‘m fine.”

In reality, you have to keep yourself distracted so you don’t fall back into her. You’ve decided it not about whether or not you love or want to hear her out- it’s about the way she kisses you and the way her skin feels against yours.

You can want her, here, where no one will know.

You’ll swear her to secrecy, and she’ll shut up just for the chance of more. And you don’t know if you’ll give it to her.

The station is oddly busy.

You have this horribly uneasy feeling.

You make your way into the line anyways, snatching the tickets from where they’re scrunched up in her hand, trying your best to flatten them again.

She laughs. You refuse to feel the way it makes your heart ache. You think about the other reasons she makes your heart ache.

You see something, shiny and black out of the corner of your eye. When you look over, the indented entrance to a janitor’s closet is marked in shadows.

But you trust yourself.

“I think I just saw something,” you whisper.

She still makes you feel safe. She’s one of the most talented warriors at camp and she loves you- even Marley admitted she won’t let anything happen to you.

She follows your gaze. And she doesn’t see anything.

“Okay,” she murmurs. She trusts you too. Her eyes flick between the shortening line and the shadows. “Maybe one more minute then we’re on the train.”

“Yeah,” you agree, slipping your hand into hers. You can hear her inhale sharply. She’s not phased by a potential monster, but you holding her hand makes her face flush.

Why is she so fucking confusing?

As far as you can tell, she just wants to be fuck buddies- so why is she blushing as you hold her hand?

She squeezes your hand, and Clarisse is right, you make it to the front of the line. The man checks your tickets and hole punches them, welcoming you back into the outdoors.

You look over your shoulder, and something shiny reflects in the sunlight, still in the shadows of the building.

“Clarisse.”

She seems to see it too.

“I can’t tell what it is,” you say.

She tugs you along. “I don’t want to find out.”

When you finally step foot onto the train you take your hand from Clarisse’s and look down at the tickets. Cabin 4A. It’s near the front, so you find it fairly quick- just a simple one room cabin.

You quickly barricade yourself inside, drawing the curtains and setting your stuff on the floor.

You let out a breath you didn’t know you were holding.

“That was tense,” you mutter. Clarisse holds her wrist. She nods, staring down at your feet before sighing.

Somehow, it’s six o’clock. You dig into your snacks, neither of you feeling like leaving the safety of the cabin to go to the dining cart.

The train car has two benches facing each other, overhead storage and a large window. There’s practically no room in between the two benches- the car is maybe 5 feet wide.

You miss Marley. You could always talk to her from across the pavilion during a meal- entire conversations with just your eyes. You miss your siblings, their conversation filling up the silence. Here, there’s nothing.

It’s so silent, and yet it’s that comfortable silence with Clarisse. It makes you miss the before.

That’s all you’ve been doing- missing things and wishing they were different.

The train starts and you stare out the window, the rolling hills and the trees and the small creek. You can feel Clarisse looking at you. You try your best to ignore the way her gaze makes you feel- but you’re alone in this cabin. There’s no one else here. There’s no one else to know if you give in one time.

Something slams against the door.

You breathe in and Clarisse grabs her spear.

“Should I open it?” you whisper, standing up. She sticks out her spear to stop you from moving forward.

The two of you listen, but nothing else happens.

It wasn’t a knock. It sounded sort of like a ball being kicked into the door.

“I’m opening it,” you decide, curiosity killing you, pushing Clarisse’s spear aside.

“Y/N,” she warns, but you’ve already slid open the door.

Absolutely nothing is there. You look out the adjacent windows, down the hallways lined with red carpet.

You shrug. “Nothing’s here-”

It’s cold and scaly when it lands on you.

The same black shiny thing you saw, it’s slithering around your neck, cutting off your air supply immediately. You can’t even scream you’re too scared, hands clawing at your neck but it squeezes and one of its heads rears up to attack your chest-

Clarisse’s spear sails right through its raised head.

It drops, you fall back, gasping, watching as she pins it under her boot and lifts the spear out of it. It’s wriggling and trying to break free- but she stabs it through its other head.

It’s an amphisbaena. A horrible, scaly black snake-sort of thing with a head on each end.

You rub your chest, swallowing a lump in your throat as Clarisse casually picks up the now dead monster and opens the adjacent emergency exit window in the hallway- throwing it out into the middle of nowhere.

She turns back around, frowning at the blood coating the ends of her spear-

You slam into her. You’re breathing so heavily, you still feel like it’s around your neck, but Clarisse carefully wraps her arms around your waist, letting you lean against her as your shaky hands massage your neck.

No one would know.

Her spear falls to the floor.

“Hey, it’s okay, it’s dead,” she whispers, kicking the cabin door closed with her foot.

No one would know.

“Thank you,” you breathe. “Oh, Gods, thank you, Clarisse.”

“No problem,” she says.

No one would know.

“Clar,” you mumble. She stiffens at the nickname. She tenderly brings one hand up to your face, and she wants you just as much as you want her- that’s all this is about. An exchange. You’ll kiss her for the last time and you’ll finally get over her.

“I know,” she mumbles, she feels the burning in her stomach too. You’re connected by that in this one moment, your mutual desire and need. Except she has a need for a new beginning, and you have a need for an end.

It’s so simple.

You both can get what you want from this trip.

“I know,” she says again, her nose touching yours. Your breaths mix in the air. “I know, I miss you so much… so bad, Y/N, you don’t…”

“Show me,” you whisper against her lips, and she does.

You can feel it all, the regret you don’t care about, and the desire and want and need you do care about.

You need to feel more of that. You need to feel special, so when your back hits the the door and her hands are all over you, you tilt your head back and look up at the ceiling, mouth twisted into a moan.

You need her to make you feel special. You don’t feel special without her, without her rough hands and her soft lips. It’s the one trait from your mother that you somewhat despise- the innate need to be the center, to be the focus, to feel special. She’s the only one who has ever made you feel like this.

No one else will ever come close.

“I hate you,” you breathe. You can’t think, all your walls are down. “I hate you so much and I still…. I still…”

She kisses you again so you don’t have to say it.

—-

The bed is scratchy and uncomfortable, but there’s only one- and it’s so tiny you’re pressed right up against Clarisse. She doesn’t wrap her arm around you, even though you wish she would, if only because you’re cold.

Not because you’re still irrecoverably in love with her and you know she won’t. And even if she does, it won’t be in the way you want it.

How can she kiss you like she loves you yet claim she never will? How can one kiss make you so weak in the knees that you’re genuinely considering doing this for any scrap of her you can get?

You stare up the ceiling for a long time, until you come to that weird space where you’re so tired you can’t move and your eyes are closed, but you’re still awake.

She wraps her arm around your waist and kisses your temple.

—-

The next time she kisses you you’ve gotten used to this whole making out with no strings thing.

You’re about to get off the train, so you tidy your stuff and head to the dining cart for pretty pastries and bagels and some fruit. On your way back, maybe 15 minutes left in your ride, someone in a uniform sees two teenage girls heading alone into a room.

When he asks where your parents are, can he see your tickets, you panic and charmspeak him to forget he ever saw this and walk away.

“Close,” you laugh, and Clarisse mumbles some sort of noncommittal agreement before smashing her lips onto yours.

You gasp but kiss her back, just reveling in having her hands on you. Her hands tangle in your hair, tugging back so she has better access to your neck- the side of it already sporting a hickey from last night.

“Did I ever tell you how fucking hot you are when you use your charmspeak?”

“I don’t know,” you mumble, because you can’t think of anything when her lips are on your neck.

—-

The station is luckily only 20 minutes away from the P.o. box, so the walk is quick through the streets of Myrtle Beach. It’s so loud here. There’s cars constantly whizzing past you, people yelling and honking, sirens in the distance. It’s confusing. It’s so different from Camp.

“I fucking hate this place,” you mumble, fidgeting with a loose string on your backpack.

“I do too,” Clarisse answers, but not for the same reasons. Her eyes whip around, searching for anything hiding in the shadows- but the sky is so blue and the sun makes your skin so warm- it seems unfathomable that any monsters would be here.

Of course, they’re here. They just haven’t come out yet.

Clarisse has been angry at the world for as long as you can remember, but you always thought her roughness balanced out with your softness. Ares and Aphrodite, love and war, peace and violence.

You always thought you could bring out that little bit of softness in her.

“On your left!”

Clarisse drags you out of the way just for a man on a bike to speed past you- your eyes flick to the perfectly usable bike lane on the street.

“Asshole,” you mutter.

“Asshole!” Clarisse shouts after him at the same time. He flips you off and continues shouting at more people to move.

Her hand is digging into your arm. She lets go after she huffs, muttering a few more choice words.

She keeps glaring at every honking car and random pedestrian. You roll your eyes when she yells at some random car to go die, laughing.

“Always fuckin’ honking,” she mutters. You know if she ever got behind the wheel, she would do the exact same thing.

“You’re not any better,” you tell her, nudging her hand that’s currently balled up into a fist.

“Yeah, well, I have a reason to be mad.”

Clarisse is angry at the world, but you know she has reasons. She’s not just angry for the sake of being angry, although she finds comfort in the familiar just like you, she is angry at the world that has done nothing but wrong her time and time again.

Sometimes you wish you could have as much fire in you as her. And two months ago, you thought she had enough fire in her for the both of us.

“Why don’t we grab the box and then go to lunch?” you suggest, getting the feeling that Clarisse is about to explode. She looks at you. “We have a few hours until our train back, hm?”

“Yeah, okay.”

—-

Chiron said this mission wasn’t going to be that dangerous, but you are surprised when it really is that easy. You take the key out from the envelope Chiron gave you, opening the blue box and coming out with a small box. It almost looks like some sort of fancy necklace- a long black box with a silver bow on the outside.

“This feels too easy,” Clarisse says as you lean down to carefully place it in your bag.

You shrug. “You’re always so paranoid, just let it all come naturally. Some things are easy, Clar.”

She stares at you for a moment.

“I guess,” she says, sticking out her hand to help you up before you both make your way back out onto the streets.

Her spear is hidden by the mist, strapped to her back, and you’re sure she has a bunch of little daggers strapped all over her. You scan the busy street.

Clarisse snorts at a restaurant called “Mother Earth Green Food” and her eyes light up at the sight of a 80’s style diner- “Mr. Steve’s Burgers and Bacon”.

“We’re going there,” she declares, and you roll your eyes but follow her across the street. It’s not that busy, seeing as it’s still early, so you’re seated quickly. It feels so good and so wrong to be here across from her like this.

It feels like before. Except some sort of alternate reality, where you actually left camp and got to be like this. You still want her and your trip’s not over yet, so you sink into it.

“Hey guys, I’m Miley and I’ll be your server today. What can I get you for drinks?”

She’s got long dirty blonde hair, tied up in two very neat and impressive space buns. Her skin is tan, but you suppose if she lives near the beach then everyone’s skin is tan, really.

“I really like your hair,” you tell her, pointing to the side of her head. She smiles and bounces one of them in her hand.

“Took me forever,” she chuckles. “I love yours, such a pretty color.” You cheeks blush as you thank her.

She smiles at you and goes off to get them, so you turn back to your menu. Clarisse’s foot taps against the floor.

“What are you thinking of getting?”

She sets her menu down and points to some sort of monstrous burger called “The Bomb.”

You laugh. “The Bomb,” you mock. “Will it explode in your stomach, or something?”

She mumbles something under her breath, staring off towards the counter, and you can tell by the look on her face it’s not anything nice.

“What was that?”

She presses her lips together. “Nothing,” she hums.

You shoot her an odd look but she pointedly looks away, and as much as you want to, you decide not to push.

Miley comes back with your drinks, and you thank her as she sets them down. Clarisse mumbles a thank you too after you kick her foot.

“Okay, and what can I get you guys to eat today?”

You have to kick Clarisse again to remind her to say please.

You smile apologetically up at Miley for Clarisse’s sour mood, but she seems not to care, smiling back at you and saying something about how she’ll make sure it’s out quick for you.

“‘I’ll make sure it comes out quick for you,’” Clarisse mocks, her voice a pitch higher.

“Yeah. Isn’t she so nice? And yet here you are treating her like shit.”

“She’s sucking up for a good tip.”

“Or maybe she’s just nice, Clarisse. There are nice people in the world, you know. Not everyone is all dark and brooding or bitchy.”

The silences stretches for a second too long. “Yeah. Yeah, I know.”

You hum, sitting on your hands and staring out the window. It’s times like this your miss your mortal childhood, having access to electronics meant you were never bored. You debate taking out the book Marley loaned you, but you don’t get the chance to.

“I have to go to the bathroom,” Clarisse announces. “Come with me.” She’s already walking away.

“Who’s gonna watch our stuff?”

“Tell fuckin’ Miley to do it, I don’t care.”

You look around. There’s not many people in the restaurant, and you’re curious and bored- so you follow her. The door swings closed behind her, and it takes you a second to follow her in.

You think she’s disappeared, the bathroom empty with two open stalls. The door is kicked closed behind you. You turn around and Clarisse pushes you into the nearest bathroom, her hands on your waist- you moan in surprise, letting her flip the two of you around and press you against the door, her hand leaving your waist to make quick work of the lock.

“Clarisse,” you breathe. “What’s going on?”

“Do you want me to stop?”

You don’t answer and she kisses you deeper.

—-

“Clarisse.”

She’s been smiling at your neck a little too obviously, and when she finally lets you out from under her lips and hands, you immediately turn around and head for the mirror.

“Clarisse,” you repeat.

She’s looking at you in the mirror and smiling. Actually fucking smiling.

“What is wrong with you?!” you yell, turning on the cold water and frantically bringing it to the red hickies on your neck. “Are you a vampire? Oh, my Gods, Clarisse, this is so fucking embarrassing!”

“It’s not,” she huffs. “You’ll be fine.”

“Cl-” but she’s already left. She really has to stop doing that.

—-

Lunch is fine, you leave Miley a nice tip, even though Clarisse scoffs and mumbles that she wasn’t that good- but you feel so bad that she had to watch you wiggle in your seat, desperately trying to hide your neck as Clarisse ran her foot up and down the side of your leg.

You ignore her the entire walk to the station, she barely hides the smug look on her face. Is she just intent on making you seem stupid and weak? Does she want to embarrass you? She knows. She knows you’re still in love with her and she’s playing you like a fiddle.

You thought Clarisse to be a lot of things, and you know she’s cruel and ruthless- but you never thought she could be this way towards you.

You make it onto the train with no problems, and you’re desperate to just get out of this place and back to camp where you can ignore her. You had one last final hurrah, and now you need to forget her.

You stare pointedly out the window. You ate dinner in the dining cart in silence, Clarisse didn’t try to touch you again, but she seems bored of letting you sulk now that there’s nothing else to entertain her.

It’s only about 7:00 pm- you still have an entire night with her, and a bus ride the next day. Why are the Gods torturing you like this?

“Y/N,” Clarisse says. You’re sitting across from each other. Her foot kicks at yours. “C’mere,” she pats the space next to her on the bench.

You snort. “You’re crazy. I’m not sitting near you.”

She shrugs and stands up, sitting next to you while you gasp in exasperation.

“Bitch,” you mumble, clenching your fists at you stand. She plants her hand on the window, trapping you in with her arm.

“Don’t be mean.”

You fold your arms and stare out the window. She’s right at your shoulder, whispering in your ear even though your alone- it makes you feel so special your head gets all dizzy.

“I want you, Y/N.” Not the way you want her.

“I. Don’t. Care.”

She laughs. You can see her reflection in the mirror, she’s laughing and smiling fondly- staring at you.

You whip around and point your finger at her.

“I won’t let you treat me like a rag doll anymore.”

Her smile falls.

“I used to be something you could just swing around, but I’m not anymore. I won’t ever be a toy for you, Clarisse. These past two days were fun, but they were goodbye. When we get back to Camp I’m getting over you, because I’ve spent too much time waiting for you.”

Her hand falls from the window, and she backs away from you.

—-

When you realize that this train also features another small, single bed, you resist the urge to stomp your feet like a child. Instead, you pretend like it’s all fine, a part of you pretends it’s that alternate before- Clarisse turning around while you change and you leave to brush your teeth and then you come back to her in bed.

You lay down, body unwillingly pressed up against hers. She doesn’t touch you, at least, and it’s tense and silent until she breaks it. Her hand finds yours through the sheets and blankets.

“Y/N.”

You try to shake her hand off of you, mumbling that she’s using your tiredness to manipulate you.

“Do you really think that’s all you were to me?”

You’re frozen, she’s right up against your back, breath tickling your shoulder and voice in your ear again.

Your hand still fits perfectly in hers.

“A toy?”

“What else was I supposed to think?”

She utters the two words you never thought you would hear her say.

“I’m sorry.”

Your breathe hitches.

“I-I know I’ve been stupid, I’m not totally dumb. I just, I had it in my head that I could make you fall in love with me all over again. And then I could do it right, I could fix it, and you could teach me how to love you and I would do it right, Y/N. And then I… I got jealous. Because that fucking server was flirting with you, she was, and I got fucking jealous and I fucked it all up.”

She’s breathing heavily at your shoulder.

“I was scared, Y/N. And that… I didn’t know how to deal with that. I was scared because I love you so much I know I would do anything you asked me too. So, I said those stupid things that night, I just lied because I was scared, and I’ll never forgive myself for the way I made you feel. I don’t deserve another chance, but I want to show you that I can do it right. I can do it however you want me too, as long as you teach me.”

It’s silent for a moment.

“I want you to let me love you.”

She lets go of your hand.

“You don’t have to say anything, I guess,” she swallows. “I mean, if I was you I would have killed me-”

“Really?” you voice comes out like a broken whisper, sitting up so you can look into her eyes. You try to tell if she’s lying, but you can’t. It hurts and it aches so good and she’s not lying.

“Y-yeah, I would have killed me.”

You smile. “No, dumbass, do you really love me?”

“Oh,” she blinks, sitting up too. “Y/N, I love you so much that I’ll never be the same person again.”

You don’t want to kiss her. All you’ve been doing is kissing her, sinking into that hard and rough side of your relationship that’s just hot desire.

But there’s a soft part to Clarisse that you bring out. And you bring it out now, winding your arms around her neck, breathing heavily as you rest your head on her shoulder. She hugs you, her arms are so strong, she always gives the best hugs- and kisses your temple like she did when she thought you were sleeping.

She loved you even when she didn’t know you would feel it.

Your fingers dig into her back.

“I love you,” she says again, softly, like she’s caressing the words with such a reverence that they were bathed in golden ichor. “I love you, Y/N.”

“I love you too,” you say back, you let her love you, and it’s the most true thing you’ve ever known.

—-

“Ah, young warriors!” Chiron says, holding his hands out.

Of course, on the tail end of your trip you had encountered tons of little monsters- more amphisbaena, even a juvenile drakon that could barely spit acid. Clarisse had made a dazzling show of killing all of them, and unlike the first amphisbaena- none of them got close enough to touch you.

You had to charmspeak the train conductor, the police officer at the station, and the bus driver. You wonder faintly if your mother had been looking out for you, helping you love Clarisse again.

Of course, all of those instances ended in Clarisse pulling you into the nearest corner.

It’s different, now that you know that you live each other. She still kisses you with that rough deepness, like she’s starved, like she’s trying to breathe you in, but her hands are so soft around you. She holds your waist close to you, not like she just wants to feel you body, but like she just wants to be close to you.

You swing your backpack off of your shoulder, you can feel your mascara smeared down your face from the heat, digging into your bag for the black box.

Chiron smiles and holds his hands out for you to place them in. “You have my thanks,” he says, laying the box into his hand.

You’re surprised when all he does is take out a simple pen. It looks like a nice pen, sure, but still just a pen.

He uncaps it, letting it fall to the concrete, when it suddenly transforms into a sword. You yelp and jump back, Clarisse puts her arm in front of you, and Chiron laughs triumphantly.

“Beautiful!” he says, admiring the carefully crafted sword.

Mr. D dissolves into a fit of laughter. “No more bad blood, huh?”

Clarisse drops her hand from where it reaches for her spear, and her other arm from across your body. Her hands drop to her sides, her face turns back into a mask of indifference and she shrugs.

Mr. D seems to find that even more funny, and Chiron dismisses you with a wave of his hand, staring in awe at the silver sword.

Clarisse presses her lips together into a tight line until you smack a kiss on her cheek.

“Love you,” you sing, and her face breaks out into a wide smile. It’s the most beautiful thing you’ve ever seen, and it’s the only thing you ever want to know. All you need to know is her and her love.

—-

marley when she finds out clarisse and y/n are dating again: if you EVER and i mean EVER hurt her again i will torture you in ways not even imagined yet.

clarisse: ok yes i promise 😟😟

—-

clarisse when she realized she was in love with y/n: NO NO NO NO NEW FEELINGS NO I REJECT THIS AND I MUST RUN AWAY IN FACT THIS WILL NOT HAPPEN NO NO NO NO NO NO NO

also clarisse when she realized she just broke up with y/n: OH GODS NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO WHAT HAVE I DONE NO NO NO NO PLEASE NO NO NO

—-

honorable mention to y/n fuck em’ and hate em’ l/n

another honorable mention to clarisse “none of them got close enough to hurt you” la rue

—-

taglist:

@lvrue @t-wylia @laughingcheese037 @kroumi @urdeadpoet @colezb @rey26 @harmzilla @elliewilliamsbae @amberfreemansburntface @kyuupidwrites @neverwaakeme-up @shark1008 @liballer @heyimadison @nvirskies @pnsteblnme @mar2ss @restellsss @ravisinghs-wife @marsconer @evangelinexo @randomhoex @luvrrish

@sincerely-silk @lacytalks

—-

pls ignore it’s for the acc aesthetics thank you!!

#clarisse la rue #clarisse la rue x reader #clarisse la rue x y/n #clarisse la rue x you #pjo tv show #pjo x reader

[beachdog211]

hi

please report @/theofficebb on tiktok & instagram

he is a 17-18 yr old who has been saying awful things about me & some of my friends in his server(which should get taken down.) along with some other things that i need to put out here

explanation-

its a bit of a long story for everything but everything started to boil when one of my friend's(who at the time was rogue(theofficebb) left his server because they were upset they were the only one doing any actual moderating & they had been feeling overwhelmed. once my friend had left i decided to leave too as i did not feel safe being there without my friend. multiple times in the past rogue & another person in the server who is also a mod named 'fring' had ganged up on me making me feel bad & trying to start arguments when i would talk about my identity. usually when people asked me about myself. there has been so much more stuff i cannot remember but thats been the most of what has happened. also fring & rogue would both make very weird sexual jokes about me & my bf. & there was one time where rogue had asked me about my chest, reminder he is 17 going on 18 & i am 14.

rogue would also guilt trip my friend a lot bringing up the past because they 'changed'

other things i should mention-

rogue would use the wrong prns on one of my friends 'A', they use they/them prns while rogue only used she/her

fring & another server member would say very weird things & rogue would never do anything(fring was also very obsessed with terrorism.)

after rogue & fring started saying more awful things publicly in the server i sent fring a 'fuck you' message(i regret sending it but

im sorry but there has been so much stuff that these people have done that i couldnt remember a lot of it but here are ss of some stuff they have been saying. i wanna say too that when i left i never once reached out to other members to leave(except one person who is oomfs.) & i never said anything bad i just wished the server well trying to leave on a nice note.

rogue is queerphobic & just disgusting overall, he has done other stuff irl but i dont wanna ruin his irl life. please please if you can report him & any other person here

ss-

him being weird abt my chest(i am 14.)

i was very uncomfy & just trying to play it off for laughs, rogue later deleted a few messages

weird jokes made towards me & my relationship(i only have 2 bc they would delete the messages) mind you me & my bf are 14/15

(the video was a cat liking someones finger.)

message one of rogue&fring's sent me after i sent fring that 'fuck you' message.

there are a lot of ss so i cant show everything & this is most

please report rogue especially & if you can report his server.

#the office #important #call out post

[azrielfiend]

CRINGETOBER DAY 2: Self Insert

if i could insert myself into any world you bet your ass im going to nevada (just kidding id die in an instant but how cool would it be to see deimos in action?)

a story below about how this topic is actually all connected to my current favorite friendgroup atp

we wouldve never met if it wasnt for someone on the meme account, big_chungles on instagram (yes really!) who wanted to make a madcom themed account and were asking people to join as admins. a few days pass and i see an account named sanfordtits! i followed and had a few laughs for them for a while. and they announced their public server, so i decided to join it. and to my surprised i was dunked and candle wax that was cheese flavored and got cannibalized by kon and niko. (thanks kon for doodling the feast image.) there were a few major events in that server. i also met alfred in that server. yuck. anyways, there was a talent show and i performed osu mania there. it was soooo embarrassing since it didnt capture my audio and my osu was glitching and lagging so hard the judges werent able to even watch me play. niko won that talent show. we had some sort of rivalry-friendship thing going on and would bicker at eachother. (this is important later, i promise.) he was given the supertitter role since normal members were just named titters. i eventually got one myself, and zardy also got one too. due to being active members of the server, we would greet new members, talk alot yada yada alot of stuff. we were also thinking of doing a dating sim where i was one of the routes, and there was a lore behind it, i wont spoil it of course but i drew alot of stuff for it, and some writing which can be see on a doc here. there was also an fnf mod which you can actually see i had the sprites/concept art for it here. theres a lot! let me tell you that. and we had around 3 bgs, completed around 5 characters worth of sprites, a few music and charts done... until. i started to notice something, there was this admin where they babied and constantly praised just because they were a partner of another admin in the server. there was an art channel there right? i often post my art there along with others, and their pencil sketches would get way, way more attention than everyone else in the whole server. i bought this issue up with my friends and wanted their opinions on it, before calmly confronting the admins. and their reactions were not expected. they acted harsher towards us and called me a lying prick (?) i cant remember their exact words, but when i wanted to speak out against this behavior theyre doing and they wanted to shut me up as soon as possible. they were announcing that the servers getting shut down, and they were trying to ban me off of the server. admittedly i did something stupid and made a "kys challenge" joke to them which, well, they got mad at me for. i shouldnt have said something so vile back then. i was emotionally very immature back then. i hope theyre doing well now. i eventually got banned from their server, and they put me on blast on their instagram, which resulted in me losing a very close friend because their story captioned something like "these people harrassed my partners, theyre so gross, please block them" which.. well. youre kind of right but not really? we didnt harrass that person, only called out the admins.....childish behavior. although i did missacted and made a kys joke there too, so im not surprised on why theyre mad. i do take accountability for it. i cried for a bit. we were both wrong in this. but eventually made a new server for the people that were on my side. first it was named something like.. landfill? not exactly appealing, hehe. but it was eventually became bunkers, and its still my strongest bonds with my friends ever. and what a wild journey its been hm? if all of that never happened i wouldve never met the great friends i have today and my amazing loving boyfriend @woopdeloopei <33 (love you btw) its crazy how that spiraled but it all ended up pretty good in the end. a few of my friends got out of their depression and is happier now. i guess we matured! but seriously, so much history for such a small friend group. im so thankful for them right now. if it wasnt for that madcom admin on that meme account.... ah! i wouldve been just dead! thanks for reading all the way through the story!

#my art #digital art #madcom #madness combat #madcom deimos #deimos madness combat #deimos #deimos madcom #self insert #cringetober 2023 #cringetober #sona art

[olderthannetfic]

https://www.tumblr.com/olderthannetfic/724520280283856896/im-gonna-be-honest-i-think-people-need-to-chill?source=share

To all those comments

Yes i do forget my cis friends pronouns. Especially when they are suddenky trying something new.

But the thing is i dont have visual indicators for alot of them, and it wouldnt matter if i did because someones looks dont determine their pronouns. All my friends are online or penpals. Sometimes i get voice but that doesnt mean shit when i cant remember who is talking half the time. Or that i remeber the persons whos talkings pronouns

Alot of my online friends have their like... Birth pronounss aswell as something else. Some of them prefer the other thing. Mate im in a discord server i cannot remember every single persons pronouns in there.

Some of my friends put their pronouns in their username. And that helps, sometimes ill remember it longer because of the repitition of seeing it. But even then i am still able to forget it. Its harder when im focusing on a game and not able to focus on remembering someones pronouns.

For my pen pals we spend so much time emailing or mailing eachother that we dont even talk about pronouns. Our own pronouns rarely ever even come up ive even had ny first one admit they forgot mine and was too afraid to ask at that point and avoided it at all costs because theyvdidntvwant to risk lossing me as a friend. It wasnt a big deal.

And you know what? They dont have so much of a problem with it as yall do. I forget things. All the time i forget things. Most of my friends also have disorders or disabilities of somekind so they understand. I just forget things.

Sometimes i have to look back at discord to see the name of whoever is talking to me. Like i said i forget peoples names.

Im sorry yall cant understand that i really do forget things.

And even then. Even if my memory werent so trash. People forget things all the time. Even people with a good memory. Sometimes you get so absorbed in something your talking too fast and focusing on something that you use the wrong pronouns for someone or who your talking to. This happens to one of my friends occasionally.

Its not a big deal. My pronouns get forgottem all the time too. Honestly i dont care personally about it becaise i prefer to be called by my name instead. Newer people get my pronouns wrong all the time. Its nit a big deal. Hell i dont even know if my sister even knows what my pronouns are.

I get that it can be frustrating. I do try. But i cannot help it if i cant remeber something.

"just ask" i do. But sometimes i dont think before i talk or think ive remebered them correctly and i get them wrong.

As someone with the worst memory on earth, you can tell whos doing it on purpose and who has actually just forgotten.

Also thanks for jumping to conclusions and getting mad because you cant comprehend the life of someone other than yourself. I have bigger problems than remembering my friends pronouns specifically. Its not like i dont try to remember them, but like with everything else i just forget them. I forget things about my long term friends because our lives and friendship dont revolve around remembering eachothers pronouns and then berating eachother for forgetting. Most of what we do is talk about games or books we read. What shops weve been going to or bad snacks we try. In between all the actaul stuff we do its normal to forget things that arent talked about.

And i prefer it like that rather than some big art discord i tried joining a while back and there was almost twice weekly drama over someone forgetting someones pronouns. That level of stress and worry over pronouns is not normal for anyone. And. Yeah some of those times it was people dping it on purpose bit most of them from what i saw was usually teenagers antagonizing others for not focusing their entire life on what pronouns they were using. Even when someone apologized it wasnt enough. It was disgusting to see and stressful.

Idk what to tell any of you.

--

Frankly, I think a lot of the disagreements are actually over what 'friends' implies.

[marabarl-and-marlbara]

hi mara, anime anon again— I also just recently started watching Blue Eye Samurai and i’m really liking it so far! :D Boogiepop 2019 is one i’ve been meaning to check out for a while because i love the band behind the OP and i likes the aesthetic at a glance, i hope to get to it soon. same for maid war. did you ever see the old Ragnarok Online anime? I did but i cant remember any of it it was so long ago… sorry to prattle about anime in your inbox! Happy thanksgiving if you celebrate!

hey anonymous;

i think blue eye samurai is really great, episode 5 was super impressive (six, too, in general i think the show has a really "great problem" of constantly amping up what it wants to do with its narrative in creative ways, and succeeding);

boogiepop and maid-war: boogiepop:s opening is solid, but it always struck me as "oddly focused on imaginator," it:s a neat show, though; i:ve never finished it; stopped at episode 10 because i didn:t feel like i could keep watching further -- kept rewatching earlier episodes, though; keep rewatching phantom; maid war, though: just impulsively let yourself watch the first episode at some point because i think it does a /really/ good job at selling interest, and it starts off pretty immediately captivating;

ragnarok anime: i:ve watched one episode with a friend, after learning about it, but honestly i thought it were pretty bad, or just: so generically shounen that it was too boring for me to want to keep watching;

take care, anonymous; first time on this server someone talked to me (indirectly, though, and only to globally comment on my name after finding one of the randomly generated treasure chests)

[pinkmoondoll9shihtzu]

Ur url is so powerful and good it feels like a spell. Can u explain where each bit came from?? <333

LOL...ok so like...trish paytas.. i wldnt say im a "fan", but i was always morbidly fascinated with her & the depths of her addiction to posting. so one time in early 2021 i was saying in my discord server how its funny how after all these years she never changed the name of her main channel from "blndsundoll4mj" , like she jst kept from back when she first started even tho the entire platform has changed n whatnot. in response my friend EVAN made a joke about how im "pinkmoondoll4shihtzu". i rly liked the flow of it. then later that night i did shrooms, it was also a full moon (virgo or libra i cant remember) and i cldnt stop saying pinkmoondoll4shihtzu over and over. it was so stuck in my head it felt significant.. it was like a portal. so when i came down i made it my screen name ^^ sometime last year i changed the 4 to a 9 since thats my Lucky number. n tha rest is histroy... i used to change my online alias a lot cus it never felt like anything stuck until pmd9. now i dnt think i cld ever change it again. thanku for asking, its kinda a goofy backstory... wow it was 2 yrs ago now. <333

[13tinysocks]

the dude who was uncomfortable with you calling a strap on she was a fucking transguy who had every right to be shitty about that. I dont think that anon shouldve been that rude about everything, but you dont get to pretend like you didnt act like a raging cunt to a bunch of grown fucking adults and calling them children despite YOU being the child in that server, and fakeclaim a shitton of people. Just cuz u arent cis doesnt mean you cant be transphobic. You have a pretty long history, and yes, that anon shouldnt have come out of the blue talking like that, but dont act like youre innocent in any way. Just block the fucking anons and act like an adult if you think you are one.

Me (EVIL) nonbinary dyke who is only friends with enbys and literal transmen KILLING EVERY TRANSDGENDER by writing transmen while being advised by transmen the whole time because did you know... I didn't announce everything I was writing in the server. We told him about our experience with gender. If he took it that way then that's unfortunate. I never intend to be shitty to anybody but I will make fun of you if you're being an asshole. Which you are.

You may not like it but not every trans person is glued to the gender binary. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to know that. If you had issues you could have left or you know brought them up to me at the time and not 2 years later. Like I'm sorry but it's been 2 years. I don't even remember your name.

Like I'm not perfect but this is strange you HAVE to admit.

#brainrot sweep

[bluiex]

OKAY SO

c!DocM77 FANLORE

Warning: This massive fucking wall of text contains discussion of war, violence, seperation from one's family, implied/assumed child death, implied death overall, Entire Villages Burning Down, explosions and people injured in explosions, mild gore if your imagination is vivid though i tried not to describe it too gruesomely, a bit of internalized ableism regarding large injuries prosthetic use, and ✨PTSD symptoms✨! Proceed with caution, fellow blockmen enjoyers.

doc lived a majority of his life in a simple little village in a distant server, working on mechanical projects and tinkering for people. he's very autistic and very undiagnosed.

asp he met a lovely individual- an eagle avian- and they had a kid, that kid being doccy

doc still remembers the way his heart /soared/ when doccy took their first wobbly steps, a few hours after birth

he can also still remember how about a w33k later his heart sank when he saw his name on the draft list

his child isn't even a full 7 days old and he's already being told he's going to war, to fight for a government that's never done a god damn thing for him

he can't say no. he has literally no choice, so his community, who he's all close with, swears to him that they'll make sure his child knows they're loved- that their papa is away for a while but that he'll be back

he's just a regular foot soldier, and that's fine by him. he frequently ALMOST gets in trouble for fucking with machines he doesnt have the authority to be messing with

keyword almost because they always realize 'ah. hes fixed the crucial flaw we couldnt figure out.'

one day he's out on the field being Actively Shot At, and a machine nearby breaks down

it provides excellent cover so he runs to go fix it

and forgets that the fuel tank being shot is also a risk

the fuel tank is shot and the machine fucking explodes

it takes hours for anyone to find him, and when he is found, he's damn near dead already. the left side of his face has been practically flayed off by a piece of metal, and his right arm is just... fucking mangled

they bring him to the triage tent, blah blah blah have to amputate his arm + remove his absolutely brutalized eye

so when they send him home- he is far too damaged to fight- and he finds his cozy little village practically incinerated, still smouldering, corpses everywhere,

he cant even be surprised

but his heart shatters when he finds the little butterfly plushie that his neighbour made for doccy

he wanders, pretty much fucking entirely dissociated, for days on end, until a group of vagrants picks him up. he's so dead silent they assume he's a mute [doc having verbal shutdowns as a result of stress so real]

the first thing he says after Several days,

is his child's name, clutching that little plush butterfly in trembling hands

someone can tell he's grieving, and coaxes him into talking abt his kid

and then someone interrupts halfway with

HOLY SHIT WE MET THAT KID???

and doc very rapidly goes from being almost too quiet to hear,

to extremely loudly stating that THEY WILL HELP HIM FIND HIS FUCKING KID.

now, doccy's not even 3 months old yet

theyre just so fucking lost and confused and scared. they joined the first group of people they could, thinking in 2.75monthold logic that 'everyone ive ever met is papa's friend. i have now met these people. they must be papa's friends. im staying with them now'

when doc and doccy find eachother again he just breaks down sobbing, and the moment doc can, he gets the FUCK off of that server and takes doccy with him

he jailbreaks his comm to ignore whitelist functions, private server protections, etc., and server hops relentlessly until he can find a safe place to stay- which is how he comes across hermitcraft, around early S3

the moment he's on server he's being absolutely swarmed by hermits wanting to know who he is, what he wants, how he fuckin got in

and he's entirely ready to fight all these people off and get the hell out

but then someone spots doccy and everyone immediately pauses

and they start to notice the way doc's entire posture reads as someone with no intent to harm

they see the wild, yet unfocused look in his eye, how fresh his scars clearly are, how clumsily he weilds his prosthetic arm

they take stock of how every time he moves, it is to achieve one if thr33 things:

making himself look bigger

k33ping the hermits away from him

k33ping doccy close to him

they all pretty quickly realize 'this guy n33ds somewhere safe to live'

keralis lets Doc stay in his home while he settles in. eventually he moves out,

into a literal hole a little ways away

and from then on, it's history, they all lived happily ever after*

*doc has major ptsd. there are some days where the idea of being too far from doccy terrifies him. he struggles with his prosthetic for ages before he says 'fuck it' and builds his cybernetics. some days he regrets that decision, as he would like nothing more than to strip the metal from his body. some days he would rather be incomplete, than a twisted amalgam of man and machine.

the first time he hears any talk of war on the server, he panics, and tries to leave. they have to explain to him that 'war' just means 'we get silly'.

he struggles to bond closely with the hermits. some nights he dreams of tragedy. he dreams that he finds his new home scorched into nothing.

but that is what it is. home.

================================

OKAY THATS MY DOC LORE. hehehehhehehehe. bluie ik ur in a state where long sends are A Lot so dont worry abt trying to get to this, just take care of yourself, alright?

=

#again IM SO SORRY FOR NOT RESPONDING #BUT PLEADE PLEASE KNOW I READ ALL THIS AND WOWOWOWOWOWOW YOURE SO GOOD FOR THIS #long post #read its warnings at the top ples

[nothingbutgog]

really wanting to find a discord server i was in :(

the problem is that people on discord change their names and server names so often, and the server name was a weird made up one that i cant remember.

i had some great friends there D:

#gogcantshutup

[chosoguapo]

TW: DISCOURSE — TELLING THE TRUTH.

note: I don’t want to make anyone feel bad nor feel like they were wrong for defending someone they saw as a friend. i just want to clear the air since it seems like one side of this whole thing is being believed more than the other. so just saying this now, here i will be showing proof to backup @vilsoo claim of reni being on multiple accounts. also regarding this, i know nothing about the drama between like the rp accounts and other creators with reni. so that won’t be what this post is about. click read more to see the information.

okay so back in like March of 2021. i got this message from reni instagram account (which at the time i followed because of her edits, i believe). at this time reni made it seem like she’s never heard of like wattpad or the writing community at all. so i treated her as someone who had no knowledge about it at all.

now speed up to like a month or two. reni does a face reveal. now idk if y’all have ever been on Wattpad but there was this creator by the name of smutbunny-sage. I did not know her fr and didn’t talk to her (but I did interview her i believe). Before I even got to know her she got cancelled and reported. But when I interviewed her, she had this face reveal book. Now at the time I thought I was trippin, because reni and this sage girl looked exactly alike to me (from what I remember). so I was really confused as to why she made it seem like she’s never heard of wattpad or tumblr (or just the writing side of it). but i just brushed it off since I was 100% sure.

now i’m about to post two or three ss that are one of reni old accounts. okay so you cant see the name that she went by. but if you look at these graphics and the ones that reni have done with her themes. they look awfully alike. (also i think one of the icons is one that is in jes post, so it matches up). these ss below are from BEFORE she sent me that message. she was apart of a different friend group that didn’t get along with mines.

also for context the last ss is from when her (she went by something else and we weren’t friends) and one of my friends had a disagreement about their themes on wattpad being similar or lacking credit (with reni being the ones accused). the first one is from of her old accounts where she went by the name brattsmu when i originally dmed her but she later changed it to kazuwinx (again at this time i didn’t know this was sage and we weren’t friends).

okay now back to when reni made it seem like she’s never been on Wattpad or tumblr. i wanted to be nice and invited her to a gc with a bunch of my friends who are writers. just to have her know so people and gain some followers. alright so like a month or so after having her in the gc, I got dmed this by one of the members.

I won’t be including their @ in this since I don’t know if they are comfort with it. i will also be blocking out their names, unless they tell me they are cool with it. ignore the gc names 😭

alright now this ss is from when i kicked reni out the gc. me and her were still cool but a lot of my friend didn’t vibe with her like that. which I lied to her about and said that we was just kicking out inactive members.

okay to further prove that @vilsoo is not lying. i WONT be showing her face but I just want everyone to look at her hair.

the girl in this face reveal has locs just like reni does (ik not sure if you all have seen her face or not but i have. i was sent these as by someone who is still in her old server. but im sure she’s mentioned somewhere that she does have them. i think I’m the post she made about her age, you can see them in the corner.

before anyone asks about why I’m speaking up about this just now. tbh i had no idea ALL this drama was going around with reni. since tbh i don’t talk to a lot of you on here like that 😭 so I don’t know what friend groups she’s in and who’s she’s not cool with. but i got out of class and saw all this going down on the timeline. at first I thought it was jsut petty drama til I saw jes post. then reading all her info definitely confirmed the suspicions and things i initially said about reni. but chose to ignore since i didn’t have hard cold evidence that sage is reni and vice versa.

now, im not trying to cause drama nor do i want that. just trying to clear this up.

#tw discourse

[jackmanifold-daily]

In defence of jackmanifold-daily

better call kettle

Earlier today a despicable, scathing callout was posted by our own mod luigra… it was a painful betrayal for all of us, but thankfully, I can categorically disprove each and every allegation and mistruth contained within this evil post. Smash that like button and lets jump right in

MOD STRAD

Okay I cant lie Strad definitely did that, more than once too. But there’s something that was… conveniently omitted. He got Food Poisoning from the foul dogs. 

Strad is the VICTIM here, and painting him as being the problem is just one example of the egregious twisting of the truth all throughout this callout. 

MOD SNALZ

Maybe I can’t prove that Jackity is a pure and unproblematic ship… but I can prove that the call comes from inside the house…blog, and the crew goes down with the ship…house *epic guitar riff*

In the image provided on the original callout post you can see the usage of the word “y’alls” … which doesnt seem too strange, until you remember that I am BRITISH and would never use the word “y’all” 

No, this tag was typed by someone else… mod luigra itself. My source? Trust me. 

MOD KEY(S)

Frankly, keys has literally never done anything wrong. Keys is a chronic haver of certified 🔑 moments, and is once again being victim blamed here, kinda weirdchamp, kinda gloopydoinky. Everybody wishes they were keys, unburdened by suffering and full of swag, this was clearly a callout spawned from jealousy.

MOD PEP

This is an OLD message, from long before pep had met our beloved keys, who changed their beliefs wholeheartedly. Pep does now ship jack manifold. The lgtbq community has forgiven pep cosmosisfold. People can change, man, thats so beautiful.

MOD TEA

Was that night not dark for us all? During the long, cold jack manifold lore drought? Did it not hurt most of all for poor tea???? Democratically elected owner of c!jack, who made this prediction, only a light joke, to be struck down unwillingly by the gift of prophecy…. also xe is sleeping and cant defend themselves??? You wouldnt call out a sleepyguy. So immoral. 

MOD CASEY

sigh… this is the worst accusation of them all. First of all, martyn is neurodivergent AND a minor. Which speaks for itself. Secondly, As circled in the image above you can see a difference in white colour, the wrong font for discord, the covered up original text. sloppy work tbh

Here you can even see the harshly named channel: martyn-hates-gay-people-and-women created by joy… who first sent this same supposed image… curious. Seems… sus.

MOD LUIGRA

Didn’t think I would made a defence for every mod here and leave the perpetrator out, did you?

No, listen well, good people of tumblr. Despite my clear evidence that the original callout post by the traitorous mod luigra is like, cringe or whatever, luigra is in fact… innocent too (gasp)

Joy is… literally a woman? The only woman on the server, which shows that we really need to do better, im sorry women. God forbid women do Anything. Also she goes through the horrors and maybe even the terrors every day, so, completely innocent. 

Let out that breath of relief, dear follower, you can continue enjoying the jackmanifold-daily blog free of fear, happy april fools <3 thanks for all the support, these guys are my best friends and im glad i got to meet them through this silly blog <33

#not art #mod snalz

[trenchcoatsbi]

hi, it's Friend 💙🐏 again. realized recently that i might be a Ghostinnit kin as well. so "fun" facts for you:

- i was both revived but. Not at the same time. like i was the definition of "Came Back Wrong." Dream and Punz didn't even know if my revival worked.

- i was somehow still a ghost?? kinda?? like i could bleed (it was a black, inky substance), i could still feel temperature and pain, but i didn't need to eat (still liked to, though), i couldn't die or anything, really (Dream tried to do that to "revive" me again after i came back Like This and it didn't really work), and i could phase through walls and turn myself invisible if i wanted, to name a few. it was weird.

- i had three "moods," if you will: Disturbingly Cheerful (occasionally said the most disturbing s**t unprompted. while just smiling and acting all cheerful. freaked some people out), Sad and Quiet, and Angry (Guess Who Remembered Their Trauma And Is About To Make It Everyone Else's Problem, Bestie?)

- i was the server cryptid. had mixed feelings about that

- i also had complicated feelings about people suddenly being nicer to me after all of The Death Bulls**t (on one hand. this is nice. but on the other hand Why Only Now? Where Was This Kindness When I Was Alive?)

- i died while trying to make it to Techno's cabin. froze to death in the snow. i always felt cold due to this, and not even standing next to Literal Lava could warm me up.

- when my brain decided it was time for the Trauma™️ to get blocked out of my brain, that usually meant Do Not Think About It. trying to Think About It during those times would usually not end well.

- Tubbo, Wilbur, Ranboo, and Quackity were some of the only people who still treated me normally :/ i think Jack and Eret might've as well but i'm not sure.

- the end of "Hansel" by Sodikken fits my feelings of "being bitter that people only really seem to care now that i've died and came back wrong, and i feel like i'm rightfully upset that people suddenly only care now, and not back when i needed their care most." y'know what i'm saying?

anyway. Yeah. having A Time over here in school

- 💙🐏

HI FRIEND!!,

THIS ONE HIT ME PARTICULARLY CLOSELY!! especially rhe last paragraph so i cant read the full thing sorry but WOW. being a ghost type thing seems soooo much cooler than just coming back alive. or maybe it was worse i dunno

bUT tyats!! thats a discovery!!

#tom posts #💙🐏 anon #sorry i cant say more i appreciate you sharing!! #/gen #it makes me really happy that people see this as a place #to share their silly thoughts to #so eyaya nice to see you in the inbox again friend #dont mind the egg infestation #i bet yiu looked super cool as a ghost :)

[anacecherry]

Ace Lore

Everyone in my friend cycle is posting their lore and Louie gave me the idea to make my own as well so here we go. Kept switching between 3rd person and 1st person because I felt like using both so the phrasing may seem weird

This isn't in any order I wrote them down as they came to my mind

Named Ace because of Among Us

Had a Danganronpa phase in 2020

Was a mod in dr-transparents

Also had a dr edit blog have fun trying to find that one

Used to be homophobic but one day during breakfast I asked my mom if being gay was a sin and she just thought for a second and said no so I stopped being homophobic

Dad in jail (out in march 9 😎)

Watched the entire mcu once

Goes to one of the greatest schools around the area and its shit

Watches how to learn Turkish videos despite being turkish

Has been pirating movies ever since I started using computers because I didn't know you had to pay for it until 3 years ago

Has an """uncle""" and """aunt""" thats younger than me (the aunt is a toddler)

First experience with the sonic franchise was that flash fangame based on sonic advance 2 and I thought Knuckles was a girl

Has an evil twin named Allo, who likes reddit and men

Knows every single frame of animation in Rise of the TMNT

funneylizzie follows me. I forget about that a lot.

The only person that never misread Penosh's og url

.w batman

Will :handshake: me

The CEO of Rise Casey Jones (Cassandra)

The mere sight of Cjj is enough to fill me with rage

Got kicked out of a toh youtubers server bc I tried to explain the owner that the potion coven was, in fact, a real coven and not just a track that they only teach at Hexide

Once woke up and saw a short weird girl with long black hair watching me from the side of my bed, she disappeared after I closed and opened my eyes again. No it wasn't sleep paralysis.

Has a sunflower seed addiction

I was Penosh's first follower I think that should be here

The 6 kittens we took care of after their mom died, most didn't last 2 months alive, the 5th one ran away like an idiot and the 6th lives with our neighbors and hates us

Most likely had a crush on my middle school best friend

Says "Lan" a lot in real life my friends think it's funny

Grew up near the sea so Im immune to the smell of fish

Remembers her first earthquake in 3rd person

When I clear out likes it takes a long time and I end up rebloging a lot of posts, and it might happen again & will be real big this time so be prepared

The Ralsei icon is traced from the og sprite from Deltarune and I will never ever change it it is a part of my identity now

Url used to be tsundere-blue-cherry before I changed it

The first time I remember throwing up might be one of my core memories. did you know you cant talk when you're just about to vomit

Has headaches forever ever since elementary school

Had a budgie named Şans that flew away because mom kept forcing us to keep the windows open

When I was ~6 I a dream where a Caillou toy that I had came to life and I got so scared that I tore it apart and ran. When I woke up I checked the drawer I put the toy parts in and he was still there and greeted me I screamed and slammed it shut and never looked at that drawer again

Ayıcık the teddy bear

Had 2 imaginary friends and one of them was a mirror

Diagnosed as American

I have cherry in my url but cannot eat cherries bc when eating cherries I realized it had worms in it and it happened twice and I have not been able to eat cherries without drowning in anxiety ever again

My youngest sister called my middle sister Dede despite her name not having those letters in it and the word dede meaning grandpa in our language. We started calling her that as well

Had a dream, before the sonic 2 trailer came out, where the trailer released and it was normal except Boom Knuckles was there as a separate character from normal Knuckles and had his model from the show

Made up number lore when I was younger

Uses light mode

#mutuals #ace's cherry

[miwwikipedia]

Name: Vinny Mauro (Vincenzo)

Nationality: Italian American

Born: November 22nd 1993 (age 28)

Zodiac Sign: Sagittaruis (sag/scorpio cusp)

Height: 5'8

Hair: brown (dye red at the moment)

Eyes: green

Birth place: Jersey Shore Pennsylvania

Lives in: Scaranton Pennsylvania

Member of: Motionless In White,Suffer Club,Trap Demon

Occupation: Drummer,musican.

Years active in MIW: 2014-present

Joined MIW: Feb 22nd 2014

Dating: himself

Genres: metal,hard rock.

instruments: drums

-Early life:

Vinny was born and raised in Jersey Shore,Pennsylvana on November 22nd 1993. He grew up with his mom,dad and 3 siblings (2 brothers *one of them being Tone Mauro who helped out in thoughts and prayers music video*and one sister) (keeping everyone elses name private) he's the youngest sibling. He is of an Italian ancestry. Vinny started playing drums at the age of 3 using his family drum kit. he became interested in it so his parents brought him a drum kit. His family had different instruments at home. Vinny explains his whole childhood and his life growing up in a interview by Don't Shit On The Bus on Youtube.

Teen and Young Adult:

Vinny used to make youtube videos of himself playing drums to songs. He also wrote lyrics for his past band empyreal which was formed with his friends but only played drums in songs. Vinny went to college for computer programming however he dropped out to join MIW at age 19.

-Music Career

2014-2016 Recaranate:

The story of Vinny joining miw, Vinny was in empyreal with Logan and his friends. *cant remember fully the details sorry* One of his bandmates live with a guy who knew balz. Balz heard their band. Since they were looking for a new drummer, he asked Vinny to try out on drums for miw. Vinny didn't know if he wanted to do that but later on he end up trying out. He dropped college and learn to play a few miw songs in a week even though he never listened to MIW. He fly out to LA to try out for the band he didn't know anyone so he was a bit nervous about it; he soon gotten their approval so he became miw tour drummer during that time. He traveled to Australia for his first show. He wasn't in miw photoshoots at the time because he was a tour drummer but fans loved him so he end up being in miw photoshoots. He was in the recarnate and break the cycle music video but barely hard to see him. Vinny wasn't asked to be a member of the band, he just end up staying in the band. He started being in more photoshoots with miw.

2017-2019 Graveyard Shift:

Vinny in the graveyard shift era was labeled as miw drummer. He also appeared in miw music videos more. He moved to Scranton Pennsylvania which is the town he still lives in. He also started his solo rap project Trap Demon, he creates his own songs and made his own music videos (with Ricky Olson help of course). He was in Ricky's film projects peesh and stairs in Ricky's youtube channel. He was only in 2 small interviews. Chris and Ricky mostly did the interviews for miw.

2019-2020 disguise

Vinny appear more in Rickys vlogs along with the rest of the band. There was some small problems he had on tour that he was afraid of losing his job because of it. Touring didn't last long in this era since the lockdown started.

2020-2021 lockdown

During this time everyone in miw was force to be in the lockdown. Everyone was at their homes having a long break from touring and seeing each other. He joined a band called suffer club with the tour crew of miw. Vinny started to stream on his twitch channel sachetti to connect with fans. He also created his discord server for fans to interact with each other. he spend lockdown streaming video games,drumming,talking to fans,jamming yo music,improving his drum skills. Fans also gave him support. In the dont shit on the bus interview Vinny mention having depression which he had for a few years but lockdown made it worst for him. He deals with it sometimes but he learns to handle it since its part of him. He wasn't able to tour which is his fave thing. He couldn't do anything about it.

Later around Oct 31st 2020 miw did their first livestream concert which was called the deadstream. He still went back to lockdown for the next few months.

In 2021 miw did another deadstream.

By Sept 2021 the band decided to do a small american tour. After that it was back to lockdown.

2022-present scoring the end of the world

Miw started touring again for trinity of terror this time. Vinny appears in more interviews and streams of miw. He is touring for trinity of terror for the rest of 2022.

Interest (requested by a fan):

fave color: red

fave animal: dogs

Fave holiday: Christmas

fave food: pizza and ice cream

fave drink: milkshake,water,sprite.

fave video game: world of warcraft,rust,halo.

fave thing to do: play drums,video games,tour,traveling the world.

Fun Fact (requested by a fan):

Vinny is a introvert.

Vinny doesn't write drums for miw he learns to play their songs on his own,he only writes drums for suffer club.

Vinny plays drums by ear which he is very good at.

Vinny can't play death metal or do drum solos it makes him tired easily also it's too hard for him. So please don't request him death metal.

Vinny is right handed

Vinny mention many times how much he loves his fans.

Vinny uses muscle memory, like all drummers he can make mistakes on drums or still learn to improve his drum skills.

vinny loves all music genres

vinny can sing really good which he does on stream for fun even though he is the only miw member who haven't been part of any miw songs or albums.

vinny doesn't speak italian he only knows English.

vinny is really good with math he can solve fast math problems. He mention being gifted in school.

Vinny is the 3rd popular of the MIW members but he is still one of the underrated members.

Vinny is misunderstood by fans for his personality. His streams and interviews shows more of his personality.

vinny jokes around a lot so please don't take everything he says seriously unless he says it himself. He loves to make people laugh or have fun.

Vinny is a huge dog lover but he also likes cats.

vinny doesn't like tea,coffee,energy drinks,wine,beer,alcohol,champagne.

His middle name is either Luca or Frank we don't know for sure.

Vinny supports all human rights from Woman rights to LGBTQ+ and etc.

notes:

please don't be weird or comment creepy/simp stuff about vinny.*

Source of this information was research but also said in interviews and livestreams. not every detail is said here (like private stuff and etc) you can find more info about vinny in the dont shit on the bus interview,rickys podcast with vinny,vinnys livestreams, and miw streams.

#motionless in white #vinny mauro #chris motionless #ryan sitkowski #ricky olson #justin morrow #miwband #chris cerulli #ricky horror #miw band #miw tag

[libunityfan69]

why auscap.. whys he australian… i need to know this lore.. it keeps me up at night

glad u asked because im so insane but everyone* i talk to just accepts auscap without question and it hnngngh

so for a little backstory it started in september last year** when i went away with a family friend who had also watched centricide and i asked "wouldnt it be funny if ancap centricide was australian" and there wasnt a single thought behind our eyes when we unaimoiusly agreed yes that would be funny and que the next 2 or so months of being the most annoying headcanoner ever but hey it was fun.

at the same time i was in 9th grade english class in australia and our topic was poetry analysis of silly bogans pre/during the gold rush and the more we analysed the more i was like "hey this shits kinda like ancap centricide" because idk if you have ever been in an australian english/history class but theres a lot of talk about the "[white] australian identity" mainly around when brits began moving here outside of sendign their convicts and during ww1. and the australian identity is mostly centred around being somewhat anti authoritarian and while not technically based in capitalism it was about rich british people getting a taste of the bush and not shutting up ever

because of [white] australias history being in the convicts sent over from england theres an intrinsic sense of anti authoritarianism that was albiet a lot more common in the 19th and 20th centuries but i digress its still relevant idc because it was used in these little bushmen shit where they would idolise this life living outside the government at the time

so the poem that we used for the exam at the end of year 9 english unit 4, while i dont rember the name of the poem nor the writer, i do remember what it was about and what it was about was this guy writing for 6 fucking pages about the bush and how it was so cool and literally made for him he loves it so much and at the back of the pages there was a little biography of the author and you find out that this fucking guy hadnt stepped foot in australia before turning thirty, hes some rich fucking english bloke who came over for the gold rush and left almost immediatly after. the poem we were analysing came from a guy who had never even seen the bush !!! and idk i think thats pretty ancap core

and for a last round of background info from september-november 2021 i actually dmed jreg back n forth about it and ended up getting jrem to confirm auscap as real, and it was real for a whole month before the gender tier list stream on twitch where i asked and jre said that ideologies cant have nationalities um !!! thats not what u told me in dms !!!! also i didnt have any socials at the time that interacted with the centricide fandom apart from my discord so if u were in the authunity server i am NOT sorry for being so annoying about it

tl:dr white australian history is anarcho capitalist also i thought it would be funny

*everyone excludes ps, the owner of the athunity server, who hated auscap so much he banned the use of the word "australia" in the server, fuck you ps-and nankeen and riley, my australian buddies who actually inquired on auscaps existence yall r real ones (i havent talked to nankeen in 8 months)

**i say september because TECHNICALLY the headcanon + first dm to jreg happened in late spetember but i celebrate the anniversary on the 8th of october because that was when my sister edited the image of ancap and made auscap into something tangeble

#MY GOD ty for asking i didnt realise i had so much to say #this is why i associate ancap with my 9th grade english class #not that ive ever told anyone that lol #jreg #ancap centricide #auscap #why am i getting asked auscap lore and not centricide hamilton au lore please please please ask me i have a 6600 word lore document to say

[j7pht]

hi. this is my little update because i really wanted to talk about things, but i no longer feel safe doing so currently, i may in the future, or i might look at stuff and comment on them individually. i will explain why. i will not accept being silenced or shut down. i feel i was in a very scary situation and i was threatened when statements around things surrounding my identity were being talked about flippantly and i was speaking to someone i believed was unsafe and capable of lying to me or otherwise harming me, ladder of which they did

when i was speaking to the user edqey, we got along okay, they seemed to tell me information about their experience in the servers (for example stated that someone by the name of vera scened with them, and that they were specifically told a lot that they werent a good friend). i was interested in this because i dont know vera well and if it was a scene without consent i wanted to know about it, same for if it was a scene that caused dissociation. i LITERALLY cannot recall much of what was said because the group dm i was in with edqey and their partner was either deleted or i was removed from it, so i will skip the meat of what all else we spoke about, but while screenshotting things edqey said to forward to pengo and glip, as i said i was having a difficult time speaking for them and would much rather prefer to be in a dm with those two as well (so i wouldnt be brushed off as doing things like fucking "mindlessly defending glip" when talking about glip's art that they drew with their hands, hopefully) and edqey was stating stipulations. glip did not like the stipulation of "you must get therapy" because it was coming from someone who was willing to tell them to kill themself, firstly, and secondly glip didnt see a need for therapy as their last experience(?) with a therapist involved the therapist siding with marl and glip doesnt see a need for it at the moment. they did however say that if edqey's partner wanted to talk without edqey theyd be willing, pengo was still willing to talk to both.

vera showed up in the conversation and noted that edqey was similar to someone they confronted, starting from the homestuck icon and the fact vera remembers everyone who liked homestuck in the servers, and when vera pulled this person AND the conversation that was likely being recalled as a "scene" AND the dissociation comment AND an entire google drive folder of talking to this person COMPLETE with the main topic of discussion being that the person was being a bad friend everything lined up to everything edqey told me, so i asked edqey if they were this person.

the reason i asked this is because knowing this would change how i interacted from then on. i was deeply uncomfortable with what i saw spurring on the discussion and one of the people their behavior affected is still in the community. this, and what they were calling a scene wasnt a scene. scenes are indicated by planning in advance and a /jointest beforehand. these werent present. it was a talk in disassembly. i wanted to ask why they were calling this a scene, genuinely, because i was confused.

i admit i communicated poorly from here, we used tumblr dms from then on, my tumblr dms dont update in real time at all. i need to manually refresh to see what someone sends to me and i tend to type for a long time. it troubles me to go back through our logs, so im going to really quickly state that A. yes it does bother me when someone keeps pushing a racism issue that isnt present. i spoke to insom, actually, directly, he is not black. glip likening ideas around rape to a black man is not racism, 1 because black men can rape people 2 insom isnt black 3 source is that i am black hispanic and everything rina and edqey pushed in this regard made me deeply angry and offended, this and i have been abused by people who shared the same race and ethnicity as me, and the exact issue of "um you cant say a black person did rape" is why i never spoke about things that occurred to me, and is an issue that plagues black communities CONSTANTLY. and B. yes it does bother me when i bring up my experience and how it relates to my feelings and someone makes fun of me for it. especially someone presumably ~10 years older than me who ive been trying to engage sincerely despite literally fucking everything and theyre expressing violent ideation towards me and a lack of empathy. and C. i think it is strange to be defensive over what a minor sees or talks about but then openly claim to not have empathy for said minor and then threaten them

yeah so thats actually why i feel unsafe at the moment. i tried going around talking to others about thus but i cannot shake the feeling that it isnt enough. i dissociated while speaking to edqey in tumblr dms, and this progressed to be bad enough that i literally needed to ask people if i was actually threatened or if i was overreacting. luckily due to the fact i needed to ask this i have the screenshot of the threat and why i havent stated who edqey was or why they made me uncomfortable/concerned/why i wanted to be sure who they were

i may state this information later anyway. i feel it is unfair not to. it is unfair to me that i have to feel quiet because someone doesnt want their 4 year old dirty laundry looked at even though they keep saying "they changed :(" even in the same breath as saying shit like "my girlfriend might turn against me but luckily has a history of not being easily swayed" or whatever the fuck. it is unfair to me that i went through all the shit i went through for a document explaining how the servers fit into the cult label that is based in assumptions not only about the servers but also ME that i cannot work with because a lot of it is not currently applicable due to the fact that scenes are massively rare occurrences and the servers each have a focus on roleplay and collaborative storytelling, and not whatever it was focused on before, which i dont have experience with because i wasnt there, or is about rina, whom i am uncomfortable talking about for personal reasons (i have never spoken to rina, its just that a lot of things around rina make me uncomfortable, and her actions do too)

and i cant even talk about why i cant address any of these things

and this makes me feel like shit because i showed up to address things sincerely and earnestly, as someone who has been accused of being in a cult due to my upbringing around haitian voodoo in the past

i feel like my thoughts, feelings, and emotions, which are normal for anyone else to do, such as get frustrated when a conversation becomes personal or tedious, or dissociate or otherwise act strangely, are scrutinized as if im not worth the same compassion or consideration because im suspected to be in a fucking cult.

this is a long disorganized, 3 am tangent, but i encourage it to be read. and also acknowledged as a 3 am tangent

i am currently considering doing a public deconstruction of the document i received and why i felt the ways i did about it

#floraverse