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#this piece also didnt give me a hard time at all im v grateful haha
pyropelove413 · 3 years
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Nezumi and Shion spending a cozy night inside ft. mice! 💕
Made for the Trick or Treat exchange!
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abcleverun · 7 years
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K im doing this gonna roast my old fanfic Wand of Infinity let’s hope I don’t die Let’s go
Bare in mind that I’m extra hard on myself bc this is my own fic
Wand of Infinity
Fandom: Ben 10
Published: March 2011
Synopsis: Ben discoverers a piece of alien technology that can create ANYTHING, from toy motorcycles to an army of the undead. But, it comes at a terrifying price...
Originality was my strong suit at that time amirite folks amirite
Chapter 1
Ben, Gwen, Kevin, and Julie were playing soccer at a park nearby their school.
Great talent, you see, I could really hook in a reader, from the fi,rst,
Ben had a soccer game to prepare for, and Gwen and Julie were happy to help him. Of course, Gwen dragged Kevin into this, using persuasions such as "He's your friend!" and "It's a good time to hang out."
I like how I literally don’t take this chance to expand on what happened or even introduce comedy into it or anything. Like I feel like at the time I wrote this, writing an introduction to a story was the equivalent of sucking on a lemon. It probably still is ngl
Julie passed the soccer ball to Kevin, but the boy acted less than prepared for the pass, and Gwen easily stole it.
Less then prepa. Less than. Acted. Less than prepared
"Kevin, why didn't you catch it?" Julie complained.
"Hey, I wanted to be the goalie." Kevin replied.
"For the last time, Kevin, there are only four players, so we can't have goalies!"
That’s actually not true, I made that up for the convenience of the pl o t. Already. I’m gonna scream
Also riveting dialogue A++ 10/10
While attempting to make a pass to her cousin, Gwen accidentally kicked the ball towards a more fecund part of the park.
I’m not even joking, I vividly remember going to thesaurus.com and looking up shit like “synonyms for forest-y, woods-y, lots of plants.” It’s been six years and I still don’t know how to use “fecund” in a sentence or if I’m even using it correctly here.
I'll get it!" Ben was saying as he ran off to the tree-covered area the ball landed in.
You literally just described what the area was like, you didnt have to do it again. This is not a fourth-grade textbook. We are not teaching kids what the word fecund means
"It's getting late," Kevin said. "Not to mention that I still have to get back to fixing my car from the last dude we fought that wrecked it- again."
Boy—I sure am glad I learned the alt 0151 command. Also way to make kevin so interesting here
"Well, it is getting late," Gwen replied.
He literally just fucking said that you bimbo
"Alright, we'll go. I'll tell Ben we're leaving." Gwen faced the direction her cousin was in. "Ben, we're going home now!"
"Yeah, I'll be there in a minute!" Ben replied.
10/10/10/10/10/10/10/10 dialogue
He grabbed the soccer ball and was about to get up, but something glimmering in the roots caught his eye.
friends, try to avoid any sentences containing the words “(comma) but something” in that order. There are a million ways to make that more in-depth and interesting:
“...was about to get up when he noticed a glimmer in the corner of his eye.”
“...before he could rise, he caught a small glimmer in the roots of a sapling.”
See? much better........ or maybe thats not a “but something” thing but more of a “this whole thing is written poorly” thing
He knelt down and brushed a shrub out of the way.
Was he not already kneeling when he got the ball? Ben you slut, quit stickin your ass in the air
Slowly, he picked up an object shaped like a very fat match. The thing was about half the size of his hand. The top half was circular and appeared to be covered in some sort of liquid ink. The bottom half was sort of triangular, and appeared to be made of some sort of metal.
This is how NOT to write objects. Like sure, it conveys information, but I’m bored as fuck. Describe it when it’s relevant/in action, for ex. “He rolled the flat, keyhole-shaped object around in his hand.” “He quickly stuffed the thing in his pocket, grateful that it was only about the size of a matchbox.”
Ben waved the thing in the air, and the ink-like substance flowed in the air as thick ink would in water, and then hung there.
WHY did he wave the thing in the air. Give us his MOTIVATION. DOESN’T EVen have to be exact thoughts, you could use body language idgaf
He was confused by this, and was planning to show this Gwen and Kevin so they could examine it together. But in the back of his head, the less focused and more playful side of him thought the ink in the air sort of looked like a toy motorcycle.
These two things aren’t connected and shouldn’t be next to each other sfgsagng
Also there are better ways to describe SUBCONSCIOUS THOUGHTS
This thought had little meaning to Ben at that moment, but at the next second, the ink-like substance turned into a toy motorcycle. Amazed, he waved the wand-like object through the air, again leaving a trail of the ink-substance.
This is just. Poorly written. Bad grammar bad structure bad bad bad
This time he thought of a flower he had once read in a fantasy book, but never saw in real life. It wasn't magic- no; he didn't want to take too many risks. It was just a pretty flower.
Fun fact: This is an unintentional Eragon reference
And there it was, right in front of him, the ink transforming into the flower he had thought of. Every detail was met. He grabbed the flower with both hands and felt the texture. Yes, it was real.
Way to bring up the texture and not tell us what the texture was like
Right then was probably the best time to tell Gwen and Kevin of the discovery, but something kept Ben from telling them. He didn't know why, but there was a voice in the back of his head telling him not to tell anyone of this. While the thought had no obvious motive, but Ben didn't argue with it. Ben shoved the thing in his back pocket, and then put the two items he had created in the pocket in his jacket.
>The thing
Haha nice v specific not confusing at all way 2 go
He grabbed the ball and ran back to his two friends.
"What took you so long?" Kevin asked.
"Nothing," Ben said. They climbed into Kevin's car.
There should not be an indent here (between car and once) but there is. I’m the cinemasins of fan fiction
Once they all got strapped in, Ben said, "Hey Jules, got you something," He then took the flower he created out of his jacket and handed it to Julie.
"Aw, Ben, that's so sweet," Julie was saying as she accepted the flower.
“Hey babe where’d you get this weird ass flower that I’ve never seen before in a park I’ve been to a million times”
“Dont worry babe I got it from the fecund part”
“ah I see”
Also, “Julie was saying.” Fuck me right in the buttholimus maximus
Kevin started the engine.
I thought you said your car was fucking wrecked
"Nothing, huh?" He said playfully.
Such friendship developing wow
They drove back to their homes, unaware of the danger they were about to face…
OoOoOoOoOooo sounds spoooooOoOoOoOoOoky
5 more chapters to this, tbc
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