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#this the one that nearly broke me
moongothic · 4 months
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Crocodad AU where immidiately after having left Dragon and his baby boy Crocodile finds an 11 year old Robin. And while he's 100% only recruiting her so they can make a beeline for the Poneglyph and Pluton in Alabasta by the two of them... Crocodile accidentally sorta kinda adopts Robin.
At this point Robin's been running for her life from the Government for three years so her deep trust issues and fear of betrayal are starting to take root in her little heart. Like perhaps they haven't taken fully over yet, and being still a child I'm sure Robin might've still had that genuine hope that she could find a safe place to stay in. But I'm sure the though of "what'll he'll do with me once he gets what he wants?" would be nagging at her at the back of her mind. Meanwhile Crocodile's struggling between the pain and hurt he's already gone through and given him his trademark trust issues, as well as the aftermath of The Dragodile Divorce. But he also has his Fresh Paternal Instincts and probably misses his baby. So when given a small, scared child who is running for her life, being chased by the very same Government that'll want his son dead if they ever find out about him... Yeah that might fuck with your brain a little
You know this post was supposed to be just that first paragraph and just a few footnotes from the following two paragraphs. And then I kept on Having Thoughts. And I kept on writing them down. And oh no what happened when did this post get so long (Look I was going to either kept on writing my Additional Thoughts in the tags or I just put them in the actual fucking post)
Like considder this: based on this one SBS, we can kinda tell that if Crocodile was given a chance to raise a child, that child would be a spoiled little shit, right
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So in this scenario, where Crocodile's looking after lil Robin, would he be kind of torn? Unsure how to feel about her?
Because on one hand, this strange child would have the potential to not only ruin his plans, strip him of his Shichibukai Privileges by outing him and his plans to the World Government, but also put his son in grave danger by extension (if she found out about him having been involved with the Revolutionaries and/or having a child). But on the other hand, his paternal instincts could make him want to spoil this poor little girl rotten. But only because he needs to (perhaps literally) buy her trust so she'll behave. No other reason, he doesn't feel sorry for her one bit, no sirree. (But maybe he did feel sorry for her, since his son could very well end up exactly like her. Poor little thing) (Which is why he needs to nuke Marijoa out of orbit as soon as possible, no matter the cost, and this child can't get in the way of Crocodile protecting his son) (But also this is a child. Like how bad could she be. Besides all he really needs to do to win her trust is be nice and make her feel safe, right?)
Of course, while I'm suggesting Crocodile could have some parental instincts, realistically, he hasn't actually spent any time being, you know, a father to a child (looking after his newborn for an unknown though short amount of time aside), so it's possible he wouldn't even know how to parent Robin even if he wanted to, would he? (Like taking care of a newborn and an 11 year old kid aren't the same either) So if he was kind of just emotionally flipflopping between No Trusting Ever and It's Just A Kid for God's Sake, Crocodile trying to be nice to Robin to make her feel safe and then telling himself to stop being so soft and vunerable... Yeah that would make for an absolute mess of a relationship. (Not to mention, let's be real, dude's a scary motherfucker too, and a bloody giant compared to itty bitty baby Robin. He could keep on accidentally scaring the shit out of Robin (who would be On Fucking Edge To Begin With) by just Being Himself. Like for example, can you fucking imagine if he caught Robin trying to cheer herself up with a little "dereshishishi" only to tell her to stop because "it was stupid"? 'Cause I can imagine him doing that, and boy howdy would that make Robin feel bad)
Or who knows, maybe Crocodile was just Born To Be A Dad, maybe he just Fucking Gets It. Like Crocodile is canonically pretty good at manipulating people to do what he wants them to do (see: how he played Vivi like a fiddle), so knowing Robin's position and understanding how she feels, maybe he COULD completely nail how she needed to be treated. Not being too familiar but still making her feel safe and happy, knowing exactly when to be stern and when to spoil her, etc. Dude just goes off and wins the Dad of the Year Award while being a deadbeat dad himself. The only thing Crocodile would have to worry about then would be making sure HE doesn't get too fond of her. And certainly that could never happen, he's so in-touch with his own feelings and so grounded, he's not a softie, get outta here. Or maybe he does but never realizes until it's too late and good luck backpedalling on those emotions now dumbass
Alright so, the reason I went on that whole rmble is just that like. I'm so interested in the relationship Robin and Crocodile already have in canon. I'm so facinated and curious about how the two feel about each other, considdering they did spend 4 whole years of their lives together as criminal business partners, though neither ever trusted the other. A partnership that was only ended because Robin betrayed Crocodile, out of her own trauma. (God, I want to see these two "reunite" so bad, I want to know how they feel about each other now after the timeskip and Robin joining the idiot in flipflops who foiled Croc's plans)
My question here is just that... if they had met 13 years earlier, would things have been different? Especially if Crocodad Real? Because as I mentioned in the begining, Robin would've been on the run for only 3 years by this point, as opposed to 16 years before running into Crocodile. Simultaneously, this would be before Crocodile went onto spend an entire decade all alone, slowly losing his marbles in his emotional solitude. They'd both be emotionally traumatized, yes, but would it have been as bad in this scenario? Like I did start this post kind of joking about Crocodile adopting Robin, and for clarity's sake I don't think they'd have like a father-daughter relationship nececarily. But it would be a strange relationship still, because we'd have two broken people, both struggling to trust anyone. One who had lost her mother and her only friends, leaving her all alone and afraid while running for her life. The other a father who had just given up his son whom he probably missed dearly. Both having these holes in their hearts from loss of family, holes that could not be filled with replacements. But could they find comfort in each other anyway, because they still as people occupy similar roles to their respective loved ones? If they both could just get over those trust issues?
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Okay I've been going off on the Emotional Side Of Things for this AU Concept, THERE'S PLOT TOO
So if Crocodile did pick Robin up like 19 years ago, that should be before he set up base in Alabasta, long before he had built is homebase and financial empire etc.
Now the thing is, while we don't know when, where and how Crocodile learned about the Ancient Weapons, Pluton specifically and how the lead on it would be in Alabasta... Considdering Crocodile did once upon a time aim to become Pirate King, it would make perfect sense if he had learned about Poneglyphs during his past adventures, as he would have needed to get the Road Poneglyphs to find One Piece. And while the World Government did bury the truth about why Ohara had been burned down and why Robin had been given her bounty (remember, the WG claimed it was because she had sunken a fleet of battleships, which she had not, it was because she could read the Poneglyphs), considdering this is a Crocodad AU specifically, you could totally make an argument Crocodile could've learned about what actually happened to Ohara from Dragon and co. So, just to make this AU work, you could just assume Crocodile learned about the concept of the Ancient Weapons from Dragon. And who knows, maybe he overheard the truth about why Robin had been given her bounty from Dragon too (maybe Dragon was able to get intel from Garp in secret) or while going to Marijoa himself to attend a Shichibukai meeting or something IDK.
Maybe he learned about Pluton being in Alabasta before finding Robin by accident, and maybe they made a beeline for Alabasta the second Croc recruited Robin. Travelling takes time and the guy would've most likely had to find an Eternal Pose to Alabasta just to get there (also canonically Robin didn't enter the Grand Line until her 20s so they should've met in West Blue probably, since that's where Ohara was) Or maybe Crocodile had to haul Robin around for a few months while looking for That Missing Piece of Information that would lead him to Alabasta. (Imagine the two travelling from like island to island, library to library, Crocodile trying to find that leads while Robin's just so excited about ALL THESE BOOKS (she's helping too with the research) (but to her, research is playtime, so she's just having the time of her life) (Also, notice how Crocodile's Theoretical Child is a fucking loser ass nerd? Yeah Crocodile would encourage Robin reading and studying, surely. And that would be fucking cute))
But like, once they set sail to Alabasta...
Sure, Crocodile could try to do it The Slow Way that we know he tried in canon, building trust and creating his little empire etc. But also, in canon, Crocodile couldn't have jumped into action head first because without Robin, even if he had found the Poneglyph he couldn't have read it and found the location of Pluton. Crocodile choosing to do it the slow way may have been partially because he didn't have much of a choise and it could've felt like the smarter move long-term.
But in this scenario, he already has Robin. Yes, he could do it the slow, secure way.
But what'd be there stopping him from infiltrating Cobra's palace and kidnapping him (in the night, when nobody suspects a thing), demanding Cobra to spill the beans lest Crocodile kills him and/or his pregnant wife* (*Vivi was born 10 months after Luffy so depending on how long it's been between Crocodad leaving Luffy behind and this scenario... Yeah either the wife is there, still pregnant, or there's a newborn Baby Vivi)
Like it'd be a risky move but depending on how ballsy Croc's feeling and how confident he feels in being able to kidnap the king without being noticed... Yeah he could probably do it. And I'm sure he'd have no problem killing Cobra either, if anything it'd be required if he didn't want the Government to find out he was out to find Pluton, and god knows Cobra would tell on Crocodile if left alive. I could see Crocodad being maybe a little iffy about killing Baby Vivi though (it's not like the newborn baby could report him to the WG anyways), but if nothing else, he just needs to be able to pull off the bluff of his life to convince Cobra to do as he's told. And we all know Crocodile's good at convincing people.
The only question is, how would Robin take that?
Watching Crocodile go into Full Murder Mode, hearing him say he'd kill a pregnant woman/a newborn baby if he didn't get what he wanted? Like yeah, I'm sure 11 year old Robin would be fine with that, that wouldn't make any alarm bells go off in her head at all, it'd be fiiiine. IT WOULD NOT BE FINE, SHE'D BE SCARED SHITLESS. That fear of "what will he do with me when he gets what he wants"? Well, Robin may not have found the answer to that question in particular, but she certainly found the answer to the opposite question, and it's not good
So say Cobra, kidnapped (perhaps with Baby Vivi) by Crocodile in the night, guides the two to the Poneglyph under the tombs. Crocodile puts Cobra out of his misery because he's not needed anymore. And he asks Robin to read the Poneglyph for him.
Robin, who has spent the last little while, be it weeks or months with Crocodile, him having become her "guardian", the thing keeping her safe. Crocodile, who has now shown how cold blooded and cruel he can be. Robin, who might be scared out of her mind. Of him.
And the Poneglyph says Pluton, the thing Crocodile wants, isn't there. It's in Wano.
What's she going to do?
EDIT: I wrote a sequel post, enjoy
#Moon posting#OP Meta#Sir Crocodile#Crocodad#Nico Robin#THIS POST WAS AN ACCIDENT. I DON'T KNOW HOW THIS HAPPENED. WHY DID I WRITE THIS. WHAT DEMON POSSESSED ME#I'm sure someone's written this already right#Right#Surely this fanfic already exists#Please tell me it exists#I dunno what to tell you I am not immune to a Juicy AU#Anyway on a more wholesome side of things: Robin accidentally calling Crocodile ''dad'' and he just inhales and swallows his whole cigar#Nearly chockes to death. Gets burns on his throat.#Robin feeling less alienated because of her DF ability because Croc has seen weirder AND is made of sand himself#If anything if they're literally by themselves then Robin being able to literally lend a hand to Croc at any time could be extremely useful#Like. In regular life situations. 'Cause Croc only has one hand. And Robin as many as she wants. Perfect duo.#(Also if they were travelling on like a small ship then it'd probably be built for a Tall Motherfucker like Croc right)#(Robin's ability would just make the ship more accessible to her and Croc would find that independence good)#Robin still gets a codename because Croc can't have anyone realize who she is. Maybe she even wears like a mask or summin' in public#If Crocodile's openly trans and the news of him transitioning recently broke out. Like. No avoiding that convo eh#Baby Robin's like ''...I read in a book once that some reptiles can change sex but I didn't know crocodiles could do it too''#''💦.../Humans/ can't do that normally either''#''Hmmmm. Weird. I don't think being a girl would suit you though'' // ''...I'll take that as a compliment''#I just. I think they could have really cute interactions if they warmed up to each other after a little while#And I'm Extremely Normal about that
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ladybugssssssss · 1 year
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The reality of how sad this is hit me like a truck
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wentian · 8 months
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Animated Short: Ichor of Two Dragons | miHoYo Anime
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dizzybizz · 4 months
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some magma doods bc i have spent so much time on there this past week or so
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i love drawin w friends 😚
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thatlonelycactus · 4 months
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One moment for Good Omens Season 2 we don’t talk about enough is that one scene in season 2 ep1 where Aziraphales trying to question Jimbriel and like Az asks him “Well why did you come to me then?” (Not word for word by similar premise- I can hear him saying it THATS how much I think about them) and Jimbriel replies with something along the lines of “You’re one of those people(not really a “person” but close enough lol) who are easy to feel safe around [100% no where near the actual quote but like oversimplification and all + I couldn’t find the original quote + it gets the gist of the point he’s trying to make]” and Aziraphale AZIRAPHALE just knows exactly which buttons to push to break me and he just starts keyboard mashing them all. Aziraphale just makes THAT FACE the “I’m in love but I can’t show it because some part of me knows it can’t happen” face the “He’s my safe place” face and you just know EXACTLY who he’s thinking of. The realization that to him, Crowley means safety in every way shape and form is absolutely devastating to me (don’t ask me why). I just- just can’t anymore. Its plastered all over his face.
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nguyenfinity · 11 months
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Here’s a. Very real dream I had last year. Happy pride.
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tattah-art · 1 year
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@pebbsie you were so close, E4 is peak Shanks!
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bratprivilege · 5 months
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I am like literally begging the Internet to write image descriptions at this point
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cabbitz · 3 months
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So how we feeling about not getting pre-sale codes in our email and watching ticket prices jump from affordable to non affordable in about ten seconds?
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hussyknee · 7 months
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Idk if there's enough people talking about what a gigantic energy drain Complex PTSD is. It's not just one single traumatic event, it's having lived in a traumatic situation for a long time. And in the case of child abuse, your entire formative life period. Everything is a trigger, anxiety is your default, and your brain keeps trying to keep you safe by yelling at you about everything you're doing "wrong", which will lead to pain. Your brain is a constant war zone, braced for attack, rarely relaxed, at least some part of you always hypervigilant. The stress it takes on your body is insane. It's why trauma is linked to autoimmune issues, heart disease, type 2 diabetes, and, according to one study, cancer.
Physical disability leaves you even more vulnerable and less able to live up to the impossible standards of control and "correct" behaviour your brain insists on, not to mention the free gift given to all patients of chronic illness that is medical gaslighting and patient-blaming, all of which simply compounds the trauma. Reduced physical and mental health obviously leads to systemic risk factors such as inability to pursue academic and professional qualifications, poverty and financial struggle, malnutrition, becoming unhoused or bad living conditions, exacerbated medical issues and further lack of medical resources, reliance on welfare and care networks, and becoming trapped in codependent, abusive or toxic relationships. The knock-on effects are endless.
This is all to say— if you're wondering why you can't seem to do more than the bare minimum every day when you haven't been diagnosed with a physical illness, or you're "not that disabled", or you think your symptoms are "just psychosomatic" (which means your brain is under so much intolerable stress that it's started taking a chair to the windows and destroying the furniture just to get you to NOTICE AND MAKE IT STOP): the answer is that your body is actually struggling under the kind of stress that kills trained soldiers and disables them for life. So stop trying to convince yourself that you're just not trying hard enough when what you really, desperately need to get your life on track is community, care, rest and ease.
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milflewis · 2 months
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#in a strange place today and i need to put this somewhere. i do not have a journal yet. this is it#my grandad was diagnosed with dementia years ago and the grandad i have now is often unrecognisable from the one i grew up with#and while this like isn’t fun and it is strange for him to look at me and not know me more times than he does. it has also been kind of l#lovely?#bc he thinks my granny is still alive so whenever i get to go see him i get to pretend she is too. and she is for a minute. and tho i am#glad she went before him. it is nice to say oh i’m popping in to see her after this grandad and talk about her like she’s hasn’t been gone#since i’ve been ten. my dad has spoken more to him in the last five years than he has his whole life#he was not an easy man. he was loud and friendly and hard working and funny and scary but not easy. in ways he is even#harder now. in others he is easier.#he is more of a child. this is what dementia can do to a brain. we are learning things about his childhood that no one alive has ever spoken#about. that no one knew. my dad doesn’t love him more now but he understands him better#my grandad taught me how to drive a tractor and how to fish through my dad and he has not recognised me in over a year and he#hasn’t walked since he broke his pelvis seven years ago and his muscles are nearly all gone. he is a fraction of the size he used to be. his#personality and body took up my childhood like adults on the screen in cartoons. he hasn’t dressed himself in a decade. he told one of the#nurses that after dinner he wanted ice cream plain like herself and nearly peed when she laughed and told him to fuck off#he is in there. he is himself. i know him. but he isn’t. he doesn’t know me but he allows me to tell him how to ppl he knows are doing. he#still somehow trusts me. we talk a lot about my granny and how she stayed up watching tv again last night so she’s tired today. don’t stay#long when you call in to see her?#whenever we would journey to see him and my granny and get in v late he’d ask us if we wanted apple tart and my granny would say michael.#not ur kids. u can’t parent them. he didn’t know my name yesterday but he asked me if i wanted apple tart#i hope he dies soon. for all that i will miss this. miss my dad having this. he would not want to live like this. it wouldntbe living to him
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plantdad-dante · 4 months
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Book #134 - Jingo by Terry Pratchett
(technically this is a second read... technically... just that past!me wasn't really good at keeping plots straight, apparently)
See, I'm quite sure I understood more of it than when I read this at twelve (who the fuck allowed me-)... but I still feel like something is eluding me. Put this on the list of Discworld books that I need to reread because the central idea hasn't quite clicked.
Literally, I just know that I have read it, fallen in love with Ahmed, and that my brain has gone brrr a lot - at least judging by the amount of post-its now stuck to the pages.
So I guess lets count down some observations again.
At the end of the book, Leonard returns to his cell attic by himself, avoiding the traps he himself built... A little ways before, he sits alone in the Boat, sketching modifications for it and absentmindedly adding a saw to the roof to "cut the hulls of enemy ships"... then he tears up the sketch. So... Leonard knows. On some level. And based on this... it isn't just that people would misuse his inventions for the purpose of hurting one another that forces his isolation. It is rather that being among other people brings inspiration, brings innovation, of a whole new kind than when you are alone, and when that innovation is war - well, then it is better to just lock yourself up again, because fuck that. And Leonard knows. Occasional visits from Vetinari is all the socialization a man needs, when his brain could end the world.
(I'm also convinced Leonard is gay, based solely on the fact that his sketches of the Boat apparently involved musceled oarsmen, given more detail than strictly necessary for a schematic...do with that what you will (or maybe this is widely known fandom knowledge, Idk. am I telling you something new here?))
My brain is also doing funny things with Nobby's dating/crossdressing subplot. I'm not quite sure what, and I feel like I need a few months of therapy to fully be able to parse it, but... it's certainly doing things!
I have yet to fully understand Vimes' and Ahmed's conversation in the desert, partly because I feel it is key to grasping the heart of this book and I just couldn't quite- All I know right now is that I love it, and it is doing things to my brain, and Ahmed is- I don't know. He- hm.
Justice stretched thin over endless sand, him the only one to take care of it, the only executor of law, and what even are law and justice in a scattered place like this, when you are the dog on a leash of an upstart emperor, who is trying to unite by force and force alone and only thinks in terms of war... What do you do when you discover him to be a criminal, when he orders you to help start a war with the place that thought you inferior, yet shaped your killing hands...What is your sense of justice, then, where is the compass to lead you home- or is home not a place, not a specific one, at least, is home, maybe, just an infinite stretch of nothing and everything, with a roof of much the same? Are, maybe, just maybe, duty and home the same thing for you?
Such a fucking character, Istg.
My brain tickles. Onward to The Last Continent. And more desert.
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ganondoodle · 2 years
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hashtag elden ring
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lizisshortforlizard · 6 months
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Living Dangerously - Chapter 29
Jurassic Park’s animal handlers: none of them ever mentioned by name in Michael Crichton’s original novel. Who were they? What were their lives like on Isla Nublar? Did any of them survive the disaster?
A year in the life of those responsible for the care of the dinosaurs. Many people would kill to have their jobs.
But would they die for it?
Jurassic Park novel/Jurassic Park film (1993)
Viewpoint: 3rd person female oc
Warnings: ready to have your heart ripped out?
Tagging: @heresthefanfiction @ocappreciation @wordspin-shares @howlingmadlady @arrthurpendragon @themaradwrites @starryeyes2000 @kmc1989 (please lmk if you would like informed of my sporadic updates)
Read on Ao3
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Chapter 28 | Chapter 30
Living After Midnight - Judas Priest
Over the constant hum and buzz of the jungle darkness, never completely silent, Lizzy’s laughter was ringing through the trees, ricocheting around the clearing next to the Rex paddock. 
She had a filthy laugh that Muldoon hadn’t heard before. At hundred per cent volume, totally out of control, with her head thrown all the way back.  It was bloody glorious. 
And he would be attempting to make her do it again, as soon as possible. 
I’ll have more of that please. 
“Christ Almighty-“ Lizzy wiped her streaming eyes. “-that’s one of the funniest things I’ve ever heard. Well done.” She started cackling breathlessly again, clutching her stomach.
“If I wasn’t awake before that, I certainly was afterwards.”
“I’ll bet.” She wriggled uncomfortably, her ribs were seriously aching. “That was a good one. Got any more?”
“More than we’ve likely got time for.”
The campfire was finally dying. They’d been out in the park for hours, it had to be almost midnight. 
He built me a campfire. Lizzy was practically vibrating with contentment. Not that she couldn’t build her own fire, of course she could, but that wasn’t the point. The gesture was the point, and the fact he had agreed to an open flame amongst trees in the first place. 
Just this once. While there’s nobody here. Those were his exact words. 
Breaking the rules. 
Just this once. 
“We’ve got all the time in the world.” She insisted. “You really should write these down, you know.”
“Maybe someday. If I ever manage to retire. In fact-“ he was struck by an idea. “-you’re a decent writer.”
“Planning on keeping me around that long?”
“I’d like to think so. You have your uses.”
“I’ll take that.” Lizzy worked hard to keep her voice even after the compliment. “But you’d need plenty of photos, or drawings. I don’t know about you, but I’ve always preferred books with pictures.”
Her tone had just enough suggestion for Muldoon to wonder if Baker, despite her promises, had let slip about his own artistic capabilities.
He quickly moved the conversation along before she had too long to dwell on the thought. “You must have a few stories of your own by now?”
Lizzy did indeed have a good one she hadn’t yet shared. Through instinct, she looked around the clearing for eavesdroppers, although they had to be the only two humans for miles and miles, a vast stretch of ocean separating them from the nearest civilisation.  
“On the topic of photographs…I never told anyone outside of the research station because I didn’t want to embarrass Simon.” She rolled her eyes. “Doesn’t matter now, and it’s not like you two will ever meet anyway.”
“Go on.” He caught his grimace just in time at the mention of the ex-fiancé’s name. 
“The first time he came to visit me in Namibia, he was a little, uh-…condescending to the locals in our team-“
Muldoon was familiar with what the swift response from said locals would be, rich white clients tended to all behave in a similar way. It was expected. But that was a whole other collection of tales for the fireside. “I’ll bet that was swiftly resolved.”
“They had some fun with him first. Simon was parading his new Polaroid camera around giving it “magic picture” this and that. I was mortified.”
“Christ-“
“He hasn’t travelled much outside the States.” Lizzy explained. “Or, in fact, outside the state of New York. Anyway, one of my team, proceeds to tell Simon, translated by yours truly, that she prefers the resolution on the Nikon 35mm and also that she had the equipment handy to help Simon clean his dirty lens.”
Muldoon smiled grimly. “You laughed too, I imagine?”
He wondered if it had been as good as the ridiculous laugh he had recently become acquainted with. 
Lizzy had indeed tried and miserably failed to keep a straight face at her partners come-uppance. “I couldn’t help it!”
She recalled the memory. Simon’s face had been hot and red, mortally embarrassed, and he’d stormed off by himself into the long grass. 
A terrible, possibly fatal response. 
Once she’d caught up to him with a shotgun slung over her shoulder, she’d had to sweet-talk him into returning to camp before he stumbled across a big cat, buffalo or even a snake who would really give him something to be upset about.
That hadn’t improved his temper at all, but he had been downright foolish of him to just wander off like he was taking a stroll in Central bloody Park!
Why’d you laugh at me? Are all your friends like this? Do we really have to stay out here with them? What’s wrong with Windhoek?
Windhoek, really? They’re just messing with you!  It’s fine! 
Not fine, Liz! They should apologise!
You’re the one who should apologise! Pembe is the best guide we have and you were damn rude-
And so on. One of many disagreements, and they seemed to be increasing in frequency. 
“Yeah, he didn’t see the funny side at all.” She sniffed. “Was never that great at laughing at himself. Bless him.”  “You need to have a fantastic sense of humour-“ Muldoon’s voice was as dry as if he were telling Lizzy her shoelace was untied. “-to work with things that regularly try to make your life insurance policy pay out before time.”
“Good thing you’re so in tune with your emotions then, eh?” The comment earned her nothing more than a derisive glance as he lowered his slouch hat over his face, and she chuckled again. 
Maybe it was the Towel Incident, or the disastrous cooking attempt that had followed, but the ice was well and truly broken. No going back now. Lizzy felt the most like herself since the breakup. It was so easy, talking to him like this. She was happy. 
They were on opposite sides of the campfire, Lizzy scooched a fraction closer on her blanket so she could see him better through the heat haze. 
Muldoon was on the ground too, stretched out on a blanket of his own. Lizzy wasn’t sure how he seemed to look even taller lying down. She shook her head, trying to chase away the thought of how she’d measure up. 
Lizzy watched him for a long time, thinking to herself in comfortable silence, before speaking again. 
“Tell me about her.”
“Who?”
He’d answered instantly. Of course he was awake under the hat, alert. As always.
“Your wife.” She answered quietly. 
Muldoon hmm-ed for a long moment, Lizzy waiting as patiently as she was able, trying her hardest not to fidget. 
Just when she thought there was no way he was ever going to answer her in this lifetime, he did. 
“You’re not unlike her. Your attitude is-“ Damn. Did it again. He corrected. “-was very similar.”
“You can say ‘is’.” Lizzy told him gently. “Nobody here but me.”
“She cooked much better than you can.”
“Yeah, that sounds about right.” Lizzy muttered. “But, in my defence, I didn’t know food could be any other colour than beige until I left school.” Shuffling where she sat, her legs starting to get pins and needles. “She pretty?”
“Knockout.”
“Wow.” She grinned. “Lucky you.”
“A lot taller than you.” Muldoon added. “Honour is likely going to hit six foot once she’s in high school.”
“Honour?”
“Our daughter.”
“Ah.” It occurred to Lizzy he’d never told her the name of his child before. Or ever used the prefix ‘our’. Always mine. Always my responsibility from now on. No more our. 
It felt like he was divulging a massive secret. Honour. Lizzy rolled it around in her brain. Not a name she would ever have imagined him going for, but she liked it. Rather a lot.
He took the hat from his eyes and looked her up and down. “She’s almost your height already, in fact. Although that wouldn’t be difficult.”
“The diet of beige is to blame. Unfortunately, I’m stunted.”  Not where it counts Muldoon thought. There was a reason he liked walking behind along Dr Armstrong where he could get away with it. The view was spectacular.
He tried very hard to get her quite frankly unfair side profile out of his head before he answered. “We’ll pretend the smoking habit had nothing to do with it, then. Honestly, the pair of you would have gotten along.” It was the truth. His wife, too, loved elephants and had a downright filthy laugh.
“Did Jeff know her?” Lizzy asked, hoping the answer was yes. 
“They were lethal together.”
“Dr Blacklaw has quite excellent taste in women, what can I say?” She made a show of tossing her hair back.  Muldoon found himself wondering if their paths had crossed sooner and he had met Armstrong in Africa, how would he have felt about her? How would she have felt about him? 
Life might have been very different. Maybe he would have turned down the offer from InGen, gone to India instead. He wouldn’t have to be so careful about what he said or did all the time. 
At least the other chap was out of the picture now. Matters were a damn sight better than when she first arrived with that rock on her finger, like a shameless beacon, flashing I’m taken every time the sun caught it at the right angle: You haven’t got a hope in Hell. 
Maybe the universe was capable of working things out for itself, even if it had put him through the metaphorical wringer to get to this point. 
“Has there-…” Lizzy was so relaxed she had forgotten herself, who she worked for, and all her manners. As the question was tumbling from her mouth she realised how inappropriate it was. They were good friends, sure, but working friendships always had their limits.
She was about to cross a very dangerous line. 
“What?”
“Doesn’t matter.”
“Less of that. It clearly does, or you wouldn’t have said it.”
In a rare occasion, she seemed lost for words.
”Nobody here but me.” He quoted her own words back to her.
“I…don’t know if you’ll like it.” She fumbled. “I was just curious. Nosy. I was being nosy, alright? Sorry.”
“Try me.”
Lizzy knew that tone. I dare you. If you’re brave enough. Deep breath.
“Has there been…anyone since?”
I double dare you.
There followed a very long pause during which Lizzy thought don’t ask why, do not ask why. 
“Why?”
Dammit. 
She couldn’t be the only person on the planet who could see the appeal. More-so now that he’d stopped drinking, Lizzy had an even harder time keeping her thoughts in check. He was looking damn fine recently. 
“Eight years is a long time!” Lizzy sighed and wrung her hands. “And I told you that you wouldn’t like it! Don’t answer. No need.”
“It’s alright.”
Muldoon was in fact very interested to see where this particular conversation was headed.
They could have been back in Kenya, with the campfire and animal calls, though of a different era, still familiar in their nature, all around them. 
If there’s a right time, it’s probably now.
“Nobody significant.” He answered. One or two that didn’t work out. Three or four that had just been stress relief. Nobody that he felt deserved any more of his time or his life, or his daughter’s. Until Armstrong had landed on the island with a bang and instantly began rearranging the natural order, and damn her, questioning the where-why-how of everybloodything. 
Lizzy meanwhile, was wishing she had never brought the subject up. 
And she knew the reason. Not because it was awkward to talk about, strangely enough it wasn’t awkward in the slightest. His answer had been as casual as if she had asked him what the time was, or what the weather was likely to do tomorrow. But the answer she had most wanted to hear, been hoping to hear, no, nobody at all, was way too much to wish for. 
She’d been correct. Eight years was a long time.
Or maybe Lizzy was just a little peeved he’d probably done better in the last eight years being out of a relationship than she had done  being in one until very recently. 
She had to admit the first two years with Simon had been a lot of fun. After that it became less about fun, and more about we’re in the same country, so we’d better do something about it. God, I’m so tired. Are you tired? C’mon, we gotta. At least once. I love you. So tired.
“Anything else in this particular line of questioning, while we’re at it?” He actually sounded amused.
“When…-“ Lizzy started then ground to a halt again. Way too inappropriate.
“When…?”
She just wanted to die there and then.
“Doesn’t matter.” She frowned and deliberately looked away. “Forget it.”
“Were you about to ask ‘when was the last time’?” Muldoon smirked. He knew he was on the money. And seeing the normally confident and bolshy ethologist becoming a little flustered was delightful. “Getting rather personal there, Armstrong.”
“You’re right, I’m sorry.” She stammered. “None of my business.”
“I honestly don’t mind.” This could work both ways. “We’re adults. I will if you will.”
Curiosity was burning Lizzy’s insides so much that it was manifesting as stomach ache. She had gotten herself into this mess, may as well keep going. She nodded, ignoring  Kathy’s voice in her head warning you’re gonna get in troooouble…
“Remember when the dilophosaur did a number on you? I was away at the time?”
“Huh. So when you said you had a good trip, you meant you had a good trip. I see.” She played with the belt loops on her jeans, reluctant to deliver her side of the deal. 
Muldoon cleared his throat. “Forgetting something, missus?”
“I’ve changed my mind. I don’t like this game.” Lizzy grumbled, only because she was losing. 
“Then don’t give what you can’t take. I’ll have to make a wild guess if you don’t want to say out loud.”
Lizzy mumbled something that he took as affirmative.
“Let’s see, then.” She was shifty-eyed and squirming. Brilliant. “ Didn’t you stop off in the States with your man before you came over here?”
“Well, yeah-“ Lizzy forced herself to get over her self-consciouness. She still had the Spanish dictionary somewhere in her room in the lodge. Regrettably, the only thing Simon had given her before she boarded her flight to Costa Rica. “But if that’s your guess, you’re dead wrong.”
Muldoon looked at her in disbelief. He had so many questions.  What the Hell had the man been playing at?! It was like he wanted to lose her.
“This year at least?” 
“Yes, if you absolutely must know!” Lizzy knew the exact Pantone shade of scarlet she was turning, far beyond pretending it was from the heat of the campfire. “April was a very good month, okay?”
April?! It’s nearly bloody next year now…
Her short temper now seemed incredibly explainable.
”I can hear you thinking.” Lizzy said grumpily, still not looking directly at him. “Not quite the answer you were expecting from someone like me, eh?”
“If that’s true, I can’t help but feel most of your bad moods have a fairly easy fix.”
“Not so easy on a tiny island, where people talk. Our favourite engineer being the main culprit.” She grinned at him. “Or I could follow your example and finally have a good reason to go back to the mainland.”
He didn’t want her to do that at all, actually, but he grudgingly agreed.
She was lying on her side, propped up on an elbow. The size of her waist in comparison to her hips was unreal. Nothing wrong with her khaki shorts, but those damn jeans were doing her some incredible favours.
Lizzy couldn’t stop, though she was wary of feeling upset from finding out more things she didn’t really want to hear. “So, do you really like this person on the mainland?” 
Muldoon chose his words carefully. ”There is someone I’m keen on, yes.”
What the-
“Oh. Yeah, great. Good for you.” It came out more sarcastic than she intended. 
Muldoon nearly laughed. Armstrong wasn’t following him. 
”You know, it’s alright to be jealous.” He couldn’t resist toying with her.
Lizzy’s reaction was explosive. 
”I’m not-“ She practically back snarled at him. “Hm. I’m not jealous!”
Very convincing thought Muldoon. 
No, not jealous. She was fuming. Someone else?! Why was he telling her that? Lizzy really thought he liked her, and now he was interested in someone else? 
”Armstrong…” Please get there faster. I’m not ready to say it yet. 
Boy, did she feel silly when she realised Muldoon was talking about her.
She was the one he was interested in. 
”This person-“ Lizzy was finally on the same wavelength, much to the relief of both of them . “-I’m not sure she’s good enough for you.” 
“Oh, really?”  “I have some questions. Just to be certain.” The delighted grin was threatening to burst forth. She forced a neutral expression.
Keep it together.
“First question: is she pretty?”
“Very.”
“Intelligent?”
“She’s a clever girl, yes.”
“Meek and feeble?”
“Not even a bit. And you know fine that’s not what I would want.” Muldoon gave her that look she knew oh-so-well. “You’re pushing your luck, by the way.”
Lizzy laughed again, the real, uncontrollable laugh, and he finally smiled.
New Year’s Eve, or Hogmanay as she better knew it, had always been more magical than Christmas. No matter how bad things got, the moment the clock struck midnight had the promise of a new beginning, a fresh start. A chance to do better this time around. 
But she knew exactly what would happen this year on Nublar. The spell would break. They would go back to the visitor centre, back to work, and in a few days it would be as if this night had never even happened.
She needed to do something. Before it all ended.
“You alright in there?” He had noticed her smile fading. 
”Fine. Just thinking.”
Muldoon scoffed. 
“I know well enough that fine, very rarely means fine. Especially when it’s coming from you, my girl.” He stared her down. “What’s the matter?”
“It’s just…not fair.” Lizzy became aware she was whining, and hated herself for it.
She didn’t need to elaborate. He knew exactly what she meant. “I agree.”
Why couldn’t we have just met in Africa? 
”I don’t want to go back. Not yet.”
“Neither do I, but we have to, at some point.”
“Why, though?”  Muldoon hesitated, trying to word it as diplomatically as he could, to avoid upsetting her.
“Because there are rules that can’t be broken, and ultimately I’m responsible for your safety.” Damn this whole situation. “That is what it all comes down to.”
“Okay.” She reluctantly agreed. “Let’s go, I suppose.”
It’s not okay, it’s not okay at all.  A part of her had desperately hoped something would happen that night. Conditions were otherwise perfect. They’d likely never have a chance like this again for a long time. 
But it wasn’t meant to be.
Unless…
She had an idea. 
“Fire’s still going.” Lizzy stated flatly. “I’ll sort it out.”   The ground was too hard to kick dirt over it. But she knew Muldoon kept a couple of metal jerry cans in the back of his Jeep. Not InGen protocol, just old habits. 
One was water, one was gas. Labelled of course, but it was pitch black apart from the glowing embers nearby.
Don’t want to get these two mixed up. 
She unscrewed the lid of the first container and got a noseful of fumes. Then checked the second, and bingo, slightly stale water that smelled like the colour green. But it was much heavier than she anticipated, almost full. 
“Ooyah! Son of a bitch!” She’d tried to lift, lost grip, and somehow managed to trap her finger between the two cans with a bang. 
“Everything alright back there?”
“It’s fine, under control!” Lizzy struggled to free herself, cursing under her breath at her own clumsiness. Idiot. “Shitshitshit, come on!”
She eventually succeeded, dousing the remains of the fire with a quiet sizzle and a faint wisp of smoke.
Darkness.
Muldoon hadn’t started the Jeep yet, waiting for her, there wasn’t any light at all in the clearing.  She put the can in its place, then hung back by the tailgate, quiet and still. 
And in three…two…one…
Muldoon didn’t take long to twig that something suspicious was afoot.
”Christ’s sake, Armstrong, don’t do it!” He sounded exasperated. “If you’re planning on playing hide and seek in the dark again, I’m not having it this time.”
She didn’t answer.
If he wasn’t into this, he’d just wait me out.
Lizzy was very quickly proven right.
“I know exactly where you are.” He kept up a stream of expletives in her general direction as he slammed the driver’s door. “I’ve being doing this for years. I’m very good at it.” 
Come get me, then.
Lizzy didn’t even hardly dare breathe, placing her palm over her mouth to stay quiet.  Silence. 
For just a beat too long. 
Hang on, where the Hell is he? 
Lizzy realised she possibly no longer had the upper hand.  A tiny, deliberate, shuffle of gravel under heavy boots right next to her, that made her jump and flatten her body against the taillights with a small thump.
He was close. Much closer than she thought. And she’d just given herself away. 
“Got you.” Muldoon was attempting to sound put out, but he’d enjoyed that, as much was evident in his voice, she could tell. “Too easy.”
”Fair and square, mister. So, what are we going to do next?”
”You’re going to get in the Jeep, and we’re going back to the lodge.”
Lizzy leaned against the rear bumper, making the metal creak underneath her. Just so he knew exactly where she was.
”See, I don’t really feel like getting back in the Jeep right now, isn’t that a kicker?” She hoped the lip-bite was evident in how she coyly spoke. “What are you going to do about that?”
“I will pick you up.” Muldoon threatened. “Employee handbook be damned.” 
“If that’s the case, handbook out the window, then I think you should do more than just ‘pick me up.’” She mimicked. “I’d let you.”
“Lizzy.” Deep, exasperated sigh. “I am using your first name so you know how serious I am. Get in the Jeep.” 
She uttered the two words that she knew ahead of time would be the equivalent of a red rag to the park warden. 
“Make me.”
God, she could feel the annoyance radiating from him. He was bristling. 
But nothing could have prepared her for what happened next. 
Lizzy heard him tapping impatiently on the side panel of the Jeep, it felt like a countdown.
Should I be runni-?
“Right-“ He was fast.
She wasn’t fast enough. 
And really should have ran while she had the chance.
He was making good on his word that he would pick her up, willing or not, employee handbook, workplace code, the unspoken rules all thrown out of the window, never to be seen again. 
Muldoon went straight for her legs, grabbing handfuls of her through her jeans. Damn woman, she would get in the bloody car. 
Lizzy shrieked and flung out her arms, scrabbling for something, anything to grab onto, both hands found and gripped the sides of the Jeep tailgate. 
Muldoon was trying his best to pry her free while she barely clung on for dear life with her fingernails, not unlike a cat that was avoiding being stuffed into a cage and carted off to the veterinary surgery.
She felt the pressure on her legs ease, and thought he’d given up. She started to loosen her fingers on the cool metal. 
Then he found the backs of her knees with both hands, and pulled hard. But Lizzy wasn’t for letting go just yet. She still clung on for dear life like a very determined barnacle. 
“By Christ, you’re strong-“ There was a hint of desperation in Muldoon’s normally measured voice.
That did it.  Lizzy was gone then, she started laughing helplessly at the absurdity of what was happening, what events had led to this moment, and how ridiculous they must look.   She finally lost her grip all at once and slid ungracefully downwards with a thump, accepting defeat, still cackling.
Lizzy just knew Muldoon was shaking his head in exasperation at her in the dark, his accident-prone, walking disaster of an ethologist. 
“Sit up, you bloody lunatic.” But then her entire hand was grasped in his, pulling her upright into a sitting position. “For God’s sake, don’t bang your head. It might knock some sense into you, but I don’t fancy the paperwork.”
”It’s far too late for me.” Lizzy tried to catch her breath. “Would need to be one Hell of a bang.”
Realising the connotations too late, she snorted and muttered sorry as she tried to reason with her hair, patting it back into a more respectable shape.  
She felt two fingers under her chin, tilting her face upwards and she tensed, her breath caught in her throat.  “What am I going to do with you, Lizzy?”
The question was absolutely loaded.
”Anything you like.” She impulsively answered in a low voice.
She was euphoric, riding the high that had been building since the moment she stepped down out of the Jeep into the clearing, and honestly she just didn’t care any longer. 
They would never be alone again after New Year’s Eve. 
This was it. Her only chance for God knew how long. 
She had it bad, so bad for him. And she couldn’t really remember just then why this was such a terrible idea in the first place. Something about those damn rules…
Eh, never been one for the rules anyway.  Lizzy craned her neck upwards, stretching as far as she possibly could, relying on her intuition alone in the dark. 
She found what she was searching for and after a last moment of hesitation, she finally did it. She kissed him.  
He pulled away slightly, unsure. Lizzy felt sick that she’d misjudged horribly, and was starting to seriously panic with how she could possibly play this one off.
I…fell?
But she could have cried with relief when he apparently got over the surprise and began kissing her in return, leaning into her. Responding to her. 
It felt so right, so bizarrely normal, that Lizzy found herself briefly wondering why they hadn’t been doing this the whole damn time they’d known each other. 
Slow and hesitant at first. Then something simultaneously clicked for the both of them, and it turned into an altogether different experience. Urgent, messy, not at all careful, not what Lizzy was used to at all.
Lizzy feared the lamps would click on and flood the clearing with light at any second. Like they had to hurry before they were caught, as if John Hammond himself might pop out of the bushes, brandishing his cane, gotcha!
But it didn’t matter. This was what she’d needed. She hadn’t realised how much she needed it, that she wanted this so badly. For far longer than the past few months of living in Costa Rica.
She realised she didn’t mind so much anymore if she banged her head on the floor of Jeep. Repeatedly. In fact, at this moment in time she’d be glad of it. They might not make it back to the lodge. 
But as quickly as had happened, it was over. Fate had very different ideas for how the night would progress. 
He pushed a little too hard into her hips, and oh God it’s happening, forcing her backwards against the bed of the Jeep as Lizzy let her legs relax and fall further apart. It was evidently far too much for the built-in motion sensor, and the alarm in the vehicle began blaring like a police siren at ear-splitting volume, all lights flashing in unison. The Rex snorted and roared unhappily at the disturbance from the other side of the fence, only adding to the din.  The noise had the same effect as if someone had poured a bucket of ice cold water over them. 
“Shit-“ Lizzy shot upright, pulling away and covered her ears while Muldoon fumbled for the Jeep keys to stop the racket. 
Then silence. Deafening, smothering silence. Even the Rex was quiet. A single hadrosaur trumpeted in the distance.
She waited, unsure what to do next, she couldn’t read his expression in the dark, but he felt off. Something was badly wrong. 
“I’m taking you back now.” Muldoon said tersely. “I would really appreciate it if you just do what I ask this time.”
”Okay.” She knew better than to argue.
“That was out of order.” He continued icily. “That cannot happen again.” 
“Got it. Sorry.” Lizzy felt the heat rising in her cheeks. Goddamn embarrassment, flooding every cell. I can’t believe this. I’ve blown it. “I’m really sorry.” 
He didn’t respond as she shuffled into the passenger side and quietly buckled her seatbelt. He wouldn’t even look at her. She tried again, one last attempt. 
I’m using your first name so you know how serious I am. 
”Robert, I’m really sorry.”
Please believe me.
Please answer me.
She‘d never used his name before, ever. This wasn’t the pleading circumstances she wanted to use it for the first time. Not at all. 
Her efforts didn’t work. 
”Don’t do that.” Muldoon replied flatly, starting the engine while staring straight ahead. “We’ll deal with this in the morning.” 
Lizzy’s heart plummeted, her chest constricting, aching with that too familiar pain all over again.
Her stomach was flipping back and forth in sheer panic for the entire silent-and-not-in-a-good-way journey back to the lodge. 
She didn’t even bother trying for a goodnight as they parted ways to their own rooms. Neither of them did.  I’ve really done it this time.
Months of building a rapport, gone in an instant because of one false judgement. And what if he told Jeff what she’d done? What if anyone on the island, at InGen, found out what she’d done?
The rumours that had been swirling around would finally be true. There were names Lizzy would be called that she couldn’t just brush off anymore. Nobody would take her, or her work, seriously ever again. She’d be an outcast.
All terrible things. But worst of all was Muldoon refusing to acknowledge her. That was the reason she was trying her damnedest not to cry.  Stupid. Stupid, stupid idiot! 
It had turned out to be too much too soon. Maybe too much ever.
Why do I always do this? Why do I always ruin everything? 
***
Thanks for reading!
If a particular anecdote sounds familiar, I mayyyyy have drawn some inspiration from George of the Jungle (this is very important for later 🎶)
The story I envisioned Muldoon telling Lizzy is along the lines of Peter Capstick’s black mamba in the latrine story from Death in the Long Grass. If you want some idea of just how funny it is, I’ve read it multiple times and know what’s coming almost verbatim. I still laugh every time I read it.
And hearing Muldoon calmly recount one of the many times he’s almost checked out early would be, I imagine, quite hilarious.
I can’t believe I finally got to post this chapter. It’s been here since the very first draft, it’s quite special to me as New Year, or Hogmanay as we call it, is a much bigger deal in Scotland. A very important tradition is the first foot, which is supposed to bring you good fortune for the year ahead.
…I guess they did it wrong.
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seokmins · 1 year
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Now why did I have to find this myself??? 😭
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landfilloftrash · 11 months
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earlier beliefs had the butterfly symbolizing a departed soul
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I figure him and his beloved’s soul might have had a few instances like this
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