#this was basically an excuse to force myself to draw | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

sakurayumekun · 8 days

Text

PRO-ANA GUIDE HANDBOOK

An anorexic mind

First of all, let's work on the psychology first. Be sure to fuck up your relationship with food from the start. You want to make yourself as neurotic as possible about food, eating, kitchens, cutlery, refrigerators, restaurants, and hey, why not stretch this out even further and start hating the actual source of foods, in other words the actual animals and plants. I myself am utterly opposed to factories. Any kind of factory. Even pillow factories, hell they're all the same. But you! Spread those bad thoughts! Hate that chicken!!! Unless of course, you're going for the sympathetic, oh the poor animals, vegan slant. That's a good one too. Firstly, reaffirm your mission. Immortalise it. Buy a fat, blank notebook, this will become your own personal anorexic sanctuary of sorts. Write down WHY you want to lose weight. Be sure to include things like how you will feel when you're 10lbs lighter, the glorious clothes you will fit into, an occasion that you would like to be thinner for like your sixteenth birthday, etc. Give yourself a final goal, and break it up into several, smaller, goalpoints. For example, if you weigh 140lbs and would like to eventually be 90lbs, list points along the way which signify a victory for you. For example, 130lbs, and then 115lbs, then 110lbs, then 100lbs, and so on. Re-read this again and again for inspiration. You will be using this notebook later to create tackytown anorexia-inspired collages and other paraphernalia.

Visualisation. Following the same strain as NLP, or Neuro Linguistic Programming, we must use the principles of association to retrain your consciousness, and sub-consciousness, to turn food into one of the greater evils of the world. (Read: the greatest evil!!) Start by associating food with disgusting things. For your first ever fast, it may be helpful to draw pictures of juicy red apples, somehow morphing into giant dead rotting pigs. Plaster these all around your house, preferably on the food itself. Never underestimate the power of images. Put pictures of fat girls on your fridge, or better yet, pictures of yourself; you're pretty fat. Conversely, stick pictures of rakish models everywhere you can see them, for inspiration, and a bit of productive self-loathing. Also, practise writing things like "I'm fat" over and over. You want to drill this into your brain. "I will be thin" is a good one, as well as other "I will" affirmations. These are positive statements and very conducive to big time weight loss. Now create a list of suitable punishments either for thinking of food, or for caving in and eating food itself. A good one to try is to keep a rubber band on your hand and flick your skin whenever you think of eating. Eventually you will have a swollen hand, and a shrunken body; you will have ceased thinking of food so much. Other punishments include ridiculous amounts of exercise, purging, self-mutilation, isolation, basic denial of necessary comforts such as blankets on a cold night, or shelter when it is raining... Or simply menial, disgusting tasks such as cleaning the bathroom. Remember, you need discipline. Invent pain and hassles for yourself. Trick yourself into believing your life sucks. Be mean to people so that they instigate fights, just to make you constantly on edge, or nervous, so you cant eat. After all, you'll be light-headed and dizzy, and irritable from not eating, so you have an excuse. I used to love when dad got mad at me because it meant I was so upset I could not eat. Become an angst ridden teenager. You'll be making yourself nauseous from worry and self hatred in no time. Find another anorexic to consort with. Whether this be in real life, or on the internet. You can swap tips and indulge in your little sordid anorexia world together, force each other to exercise, pat each other on the back when you reach goals, etc. You want to completely surround yourself with all thoughts of anorexia. Find pro-anorexia websites, or create your own. Sign up for one of the dozens of pro-anorexic mailing lists at Yahoo! and you'll be bombarded daily with like minded individuals. Now, immerse yourself further in anorexia propaganda, read anorexia or otherwise 'thin' inspired literature, listen to anorexic music, watch as many triggering films as you can get your delicate little mitts on, look up to very thin hollywood stars and supermodels. Also, visit as many of the aforementioned pro-anorexia sites as you can to get a bunch of quotes and mantras to write in your anorexia notebook, and repeat inside your head daily. I have compiled a list of such sources of thinspiration.

Thinspiration

Triggering music

This is essential. You must familiarise yourself with the very teenage and angstyartists and be sure to play the music over and over to thoroughly depress yourself. Ones to keep in mind are:

Fiona Apple - "Paper Bag" ... Hunger hurts but starving works...

Silverchair - "Ana's Song (Open Fire)" ... And I need you now somehow, and I need you now somehow ... On my knees for you... In my head the flesh seems thicker...

Juliana Hatfield - "Feed Me"... Oh baby if only you knew, I'm down to 102...

Tori Amos - "Jackie's Strength" ... You're only popular with anorexia, so I turn myself inside out, in hopes someone will see...

Anorexic mantras

You must collect as many of these as possible. Write them in your anorexia notebook, memorise them, let them comfort you. Some examples are:

"An imperfect body reflects an imperfect person."

"You will be tempted quite frequently, and you will have to choose whether you will enjoy yourself hugely in the 20 minutes or so that you will be consuming the excess calories, or whether you will dislike youself cordially for 2 or 3 days for your lack of willpower."

"I'm not starving myself...I'm perfecting my emptiness."

"I can get thinner. I can cut it all off. I can wear low slung Levi's and crop tops and long straight dresses like willowy models, and I gasp with the breathlessness of being airborne. I can fly and be free. Jesus! I never realised how easy it was!"

"Nothing tastes as good as thin feels."

"The greasy fry, it cannot lie, its truth is written on your thigh,"

Devour literature, not food

Words and text are very very triggering when it comes to not eating. For one thing, it gives you a world to inhabit, your very own private, magnificent anorexia world which nobody else around you can touch, and you shall have characters to understand you. You will be so riveted that you will not need to eat. Books to check out include:

The best little girl in the world by Steven Levenkron

Wasted by Marya Hornbacher

The fountainhead by Ayn Rand - not about anorexia per se, but Dominique

Francon is the fucking epitome of ethereal, insubstantial, bony grace.

I am an artichoke by Lucy Frank

Starving for attention by Cherry Boone O'Neill

Hunger scream by Ivy Ruckman

Diary of an eating disorder by Chelsea Smith and Beverly Runyon

My sister's Bones by Cathi Hanauer

Stick figure by Lori Gottlieb

Eve's apple by Jonathan Rosen

Thinspiring films and TV shows

These might be about anorexia itself, or it might simply be glamorous and include very thin beautiful people. Movies and television programmes I know others find thinspiring are:

Girl, Interrupted

For The Love Of Nancy

Ally McBeal

Role models

You need somebody to idolise. You must research him or her to the bones and become as close to her as possible. Become obsessed. Some suitable examples include those in the following list, who are either very skinny, or have, or have had anorexia:

Kate Moss - 90's waif

Angelina Jolie - skinny sexy actress, e.g. Girl, Interrupted and Gia

Christina Ricci - actress, had anorexia

Calista Flockhart - Ally McBeal

Lara Flynn Boyle - glamorous and snobby, never eats

Tracey Gold - actress who suffered from anorexia

Karen Carpenter - musician and classic anorexic

Portia de Rossi - actress on Ally McBeal who went through a stage of dangerous dieting

Geri Halliwell - formerly Ginger Spice, engaged in a 'thin war' with:

Victoria Beckham - formerly Posh Spice

Courtney Cox - actress on Friends, bony and gaunt

Twiggy - iconoclastic model

Mary Kate - had anorexia... perfection

Jodie Kidd - impossibly thin model

Nicole Richie - Thin thin thin

Audrey Hepburn - quintessential class, very petite

This should be enough to sufficiently fuck up and cloud your perceptions. Above all, convince yourself you are above others, a hero, owing to your spectacular powers of restraint. Feel elitist. Feel as though you are somehow super-human for resisting the urge to eat. Feel better than the other mere mortals who dig in to their cereal and their donuts. Believe in the power of starving as though it were a religion.

Extreme dieting

Now we can move on to the actual act of excessive dieting itself. First off we should establish clear limits. Make up rules you cannot deviate from. Only eat yellow foods on Monday, and brown foods on Tuesday. Or only eat every other day. Or only eat at night. Or only eat on days with the letter "u" in them. Or become a vegan. Or a fruitarian. Or follow your own version of a well known diet, such as the ever popular low carb diets, e.g., the Zone Diet, Atkin's Diet. Use your imagination. I knew a model who swore her secret was living on sushi, candy, oranges, cigarettes, and water. Another tip to try is to only allow yourself one food a day. You will get sick of the taste and therefore eat less due to boredom.

Now, compile a list of safe foods. Here is a fairly comprehensive list:

Low Cal Jelly (or Jello, for you Americans)

Celery - it is composed highly of water, it is crunchy, which is said to cause you to eat less, owing to the amount you have to chew it, it is considered acatabolic food

Carrots are also another safe vegetable (although most vegetables can be on your safe list, these are merely the safest of the safe)

Salsa and mustard - dieting staples. You can dip vegetables in them, they are fat free and low cal, and salsa brings cravings to an abrupt halt.

Spicy foodsare also thought to fire up your metabolism

Vinegar - thought to thoroughly reduce your appetite. It is suggested you drink a tablespoon or two before each meal.

Lemons dipped in a sugar substitute such as Splenda or Nutrasweet. (note: In some anorexia circles, even fruit is no good, besides oranges, which are a 50cal food)

Broth (only 5 calories per cube!!)

Egg white - much needed protein

Pickles

Lettuce - an absolute 'nothing' food

Cucumbers - very very low cal

Soup

Safe foods are merely foods that are safe to eat if you are craving foods outside your set meals. They are extremely low cal, or no cal. As for your actual daily intake of food, most wannabe anorexics tend to stick within the 500 - 1000 calorie range depending on how much exercise they do. Never be shy when it comes to considering taking certain drugs to reduce or diminish appetite. Some antidepressant medication such as Wellbutrin have this effect, as well as Topamax, which is originally an anti-convulsive but has been and can be prescribed for things such as ADD and bipolar disorder. Steal your little brother's ADD medication. Dexedrine is gold when it comes to killing appetite. Just ignore the paranoia and nervousness that comes with it. Think about diet pills and supplements such as Metabolife and Ephedra.

Day to day

Now we move on to the ever important area of ritual and habits, tips & tricks, to get down to a science.

Graze constantly throughout the day so that your metabolism never gets the chance to rest and become sluggish. Eating 100 calories five times a day is better than eating one meal consisting of 500 calories.

Fool your metabolism by constantly changing the number of calories you consume daily. This will prevent your body going into starvation mode, meaning that lesser amounts of calories will make you gain weight. For instance, eat 500 calories on Monday, 100 on Tuesday, 800 on Wednesday, no calories on Thursday, and 400 calories on Friday.

Get a full night's sleep, at least eight hours. Although staying up late does make you burn more calories, don't become sleep-deprived or your metabolism will become sleepy. Your appetite will even increase by 15%.

Record everything you eat in your anorexia notebook. This serves to motivate you, as well as to be aware of all the extra calories you may not be aware you are consuming. It may also let you identify emotional or environmental triggers, such as boredom or sadness.

Take vitamin pills frequently so your body doesn't crave nutrients, causing binges.

Diet coke and other diet sodas cause that bubbly, full feeling in your stomach, for about 1 calorie per glass.

Brush your teeth and tongue all the time. The feeling in your mouth will ease cravings and additionally, food will taste yukky with toothpaste, so whats the point of eating it?

Drink water like a fish. Drink a glass of water, or a diet soda, every hour on the hour. Drink water every time you have the urge to snack. Ice water is better because your body will burn more calories to heat it up. Drink water with meals to prevent overeating. Bear in mind that often we mistake thirst for hunger.

Caffeine will speed up your metabolism. Have two or three servings a day, in the form of black sugarless coffee, or caffeine pills, or guarana. If stacked with ephedra and aspirin, a synergistic effect will occur that imitates the effects of speed or other amphetamines. Do be aware that this practice can be rather dangerous.

Exercise. Not only will you burn off the calories you consume when you do eat, but it will increase your metabolism for some time afterwards. As well, the consequential muscle mass will increase the calories you burn at rest. It also suppresses appetite. Try running, or buy yourself a skipping rope.

Stand up and move about constantly. Compulsively fidget. It does add up to an estimated extra 500 calories burned a day. Twitch your leg while studying, for example. Also, sit up straight - you'll burn more calories.

Have a very busy and active schedule. It will burn more calories than sitting in your room thinking about not eating, and make sure you don't have enough time to binge.

Find a something other than food to satisfy your oral fixation. Choices include things like smoking, chewing gum, water, iced tea, sugarless mints, and diet coke.

Put a small coin in a jar every time you resist a craving, or exercise when majorly exhausted, etc. This will motivate you, build up confidence in your starving abilities, and keep track of your successes. As well as give you extra cash to splurge on some fantastical treat when you reach your first major weight loss goal.

The type of music you listen to while you eat affects how much and how quickly you consume. The faster the music, the more you eat. Try to listen to nice slow music when you eat.

Eat sweets and the foods you crave early on in the day. This will give you more time to burn them off and it will eliminate cravings later.

Eat while in the front of the mirror naked. You will be completely repulsed, and repelled from the food. This is a good thing.

Feel your hunger..don't try to suppress it. If you're hungry that means you're losing weight; you WANT to be hungry. If you're not then you're not doing it right. In time you will get a wonderful high off of being hungry and thoroughly enjoy the sensation. Hunger is not your enemy! The sooner this is understood, the sooner you will reach your goals.

Did you know that there are 2 pounds of dead skin on you right now!!?! Thats right! 2 POUNDS! ...if you're underweight or in starvation mode your body does not "shed" its skin the way it should. It holds on to it. Use an exfoliator for your face, and a loofah brush or scrub for your body. Make a stack of magazines that weighs the amount you want to lose. As you lose, take off the appropriate amount of magazines. Seeing the weight like that may help you realise what a difference it will make when it is all off. When you're feeling weak Here are some things which will help when your willpower is very feeble, to ward off the urge to eat, or worse, binge!

Pinch your thigh and see how you don't need food, because you should be eating your own flesh all away from the inside first, before you are deserving of actual legitimate sustenance.

Go to the library. You can research dieting or whatever, or you can read the classics, or some of the aforementioned listerature. Or you can do homework, or write letters, but the beauty of it is, since no food or drink is allowed, you'll have no choice but to abstain from a meal.

Buy some baby teething gel and rub it on your tongue, to numb your tastebuds.

If you're even considering eating, just hold your breath and count to 100. Chances are that you'll convince youself not to eat whatever it is you're craving in that time.

The scent of coffee has been proven to lessen ones appetite.

Chew the food but don't swallow it. Spit it in the bin.

If you're feeling dangerous, plan out the next few hours so that you're occupied for every single minute. Write a list of things to do for every 15 minutes. eg. exercise, surf the internet, email your friends, clean a room, read a book.

If you're feeling brave enough to face the kitchen, go there and throw out any potential binge foods. If you must, pour bleach/disinfectant/dishwashing detergent on the food, and then throw it away! (Anorexics are known for retrieving food from bins, or stealing food from strange places).

Pinch your ear! Apply pressure to the front of the ear, one at a time. The front of the ear is apparently a pressure point, in the area that controls hunger.

Let perfume replace chocolate. Every time you have a craving, or pass a bakery, sniff some Chanel no. 5. Apply it to a tissue and carry it with you.

Smell has a powerful effect on appetite.

Clean something. Cleaning something dirty can make you lose your appetite. The toilet, the litter box, under the kitchen sink, scrubbing out the garbage bin, anything grimy or smelly. The mess, along with the smell of the cleaner, can put you off food for a while.

Become a teenage artist. Write anorexic poetry, tragic little verses about bones and stomachs and evil evil capsicums. Anorexics are ever so creative.

Collect pictures of skinny girls. Stick them all in your notebook. Draw pictures of painful bony girls with tear stained faces and their head in their hands (their spines sticking out). This will take up most of your time.

Hiding it

Anorexia is supposed to be a private and tortured place, dontcha know. Deny it at all costs. Pretend you have not noticed the pounds dropping off you. Don't be suspicious. Here are some relevant tips:

Spend time making yourself look healthy.

Drink lots of water and apply a fake tan.

Wear makeup so that you have some colour, and keep your hair looking nice and shiny, take vitamins.

Smile.

Whenever you do decide to eat, do it in the company of others.

That way they can't say they never see you touch food.

On your way out, heat up a slice of pizza or prepare a snack to 'eat on the run'.

Of course, you will dispose of the food at your first convenience.

Leave a dirty plate lying around every so often for your parents to yell at you about.

Drink out of opaque cups, and spit your food into it whilst preteding to drink. They'll never know.

Eat really slowly because if everybody else is on their third slice of pizza, they'll assume you are too, even if you're still finishing your first.

Sign out of Hotmail and clear the history before you get off of the Internet. This will eliminate autofill being ever so helpful while your mum is researching aardvarks, and coming up with www.anorexicsanonymous.com for her. In short, don't leave traces lying around for others to find.

I trust that this guide to becoming a better anorexic will serve you well on your quest to being emaciated and ahem, gorgeous.

Remember, think thin, and try not to faint too often or die.

#an@rexi@

29 notes · View notes

luvtonique · 7 months

Text

Hot Take Time

Okay, I'm gonna make a hot take. I want y'all to understand that this is coming from a 34 year old man who draws furry porn for a living and has regularly interacted with well over a thousand customers in his life, as well as partaken in various online discussions, social media platform conversations, and I've been pseudo-canceled a few times, so there you go, now we know each other, run on sentence.

I need to get something off my chest and a lot of you (I'd very safely say over 95% of social media and people in the political system and even regular media) need to get this through your heads.

Here we go, ready? Say this out loud.

"Nobody is responsible for making you feel comfortable, except yourself."

That is something that people just don't seem to understand anymore. We're in this day-and-age of people doing everything in their power to convince other people to change how they act, change what they believe, change the words they can or can't use because they are "not comfortable" and they believe it will make the world a "better place" if other people adhere to a set of guidelines that these people have deemed are necessary for the comfort of the people setting the guidelines (at the expense, of course, of the comfort of the others who are being forced to walk on eggshells).

I don't know how so few of you have a basic moral of "Life isn't fair."

It isn't. Perfection is unattainable, and yet so many of you don't fucking shut the fuck up about how everyone "needs to act" or how other people need to "be better."

Shut the goddamn fuck up, holy shit.

Nobody needs to act different so that you can be comfortable, just fucking grow a spine, holy shit. I don't care WHAT they're doing. I don't care if they're transphobic, racist, sexist, misogynistic, LGBT activists, Trump supporters, Biden supporters, I literally do not give the slightest iota of a fuck. Do they make me uncomfortable? Of course they do. That's why I don't interact with them. For my own comfort I just don't. I do what makes me comfy, I eat pizza, I drink hot cocoa, I take a fucking nap, I take some painkillers for my joint pain, I do a weed gummy, I listen to music, I watch a movie, I sit outside and watch rain fall, I FUCKING RELAX.

I have rheumatoid arthritis and am in excruciating pain 24/7/365 and there is nothing I will ever be able to do about that. Do I complain about it? Sure I do. Do I appreciate it when people carry heavy things for me so I don't have to? Sure I do.

But do I stand there next to a heavy box waiting for someone else to pick it up and then go "EXCUSE ME. I HAVE ARTHRITIS. YOU SHOULD PICK THE BOX UP FOR ME. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO TELL YOU TO PICK THE BOX UP" because I'm of some fucking delusion that everyone on earth has to cater to my disability?

FUCKING. NO.

You know why? Because I, unlike a fucking huge percentage of you all, understand that it is not everyone else's responsibility to cater to me and improve my level of comfort.

Especially if they're not getting paid to do that. If I were paying them, sure, that'd be fine. That's what maids are for, right? But they're not getting paid, and that's where it becomes a very bad thing.

Slavery.

But apparently y'all don't seem to understand that making people do special services or cater their behavior to you without any payment other than "not getting punished, canceled, attacked physically or screamed at" is literally textbook definition slavery. It is quite literally "Do this thing because I demanded it, and if you don't do it or if you do it in an unsatisfactory way, I will whip you."

Let's look at a hypothetical I made up myself.

Say there's a kid in school who, if they hear their name said out loud, attacks and bites the people who said that. There's been 15 incidents in a row, including two teachers being bit by this kid.

What's the solution?

Solution 1) Pull the kid out of school, contact their parents, suggest maybe therapy or putting them in special classes with a guardian of some sort, keep an eye on them, maybe they need to be medicated.

Solution 2) Tell the entire population of the school to stop saying the kid's name out loud and punish any kids who get bit because they broke the rule of catering to this psycho fucking bully.

How in the fuck do so many of you think Solution 2 is the correct solution? How the fuck do you think forcing 8 billion people to adhere to your specific demands via mass manipulation and forced control without any compensation other than "I won't bite you" is the correct course of action?

I have met people that literally their opening sentence is telling me how to talk to them and what things not to talk about around them, and when I asked "Why can't I talk about <completely mundane thing>" they literally had a fucking mental breakdown and got me banned from the Discord server I was in that they contacted me from.

And so many of you, SO MANY OF YOU will act like that's completely reasonable for them to have done and will say I AM THE BAD GUY for "DELIBERATELY ATTACKING THEM WHEN THEY ASKED ME NOT TO."

Holy fucking shit.

If you are so fucking bad off, so unhinged, that you have complete full fledged mental breakdowns over hearing a fucking word or because you scrolled past a text post you disagreed with or because someone voted for a politician you don't like, I'm sorry to say this but you desperately need to get your fucking head checked because that is NOT. FUCKING. NORMAL. BEHAVIOR.

"But Jay, being 'normal' is a social construct that-" SHUT UP.

Care for your own self, improve your own comfort and be happy with "Good enough" like the rest of the fucking world has been learning to do for fucking years, you actual fucking sociopathic manipulative shitfucks.

Thank you for reading.

~Jay (who has been labeled a transphobe for breaking up with a trans girlfriend after 9 years of her lying to him, manipulating him, forcing him to become trans out of emotional abuse, forcing him to attack his own mother, forcing him to pay for her HRT for multiple years and forcing him to be in a poly relationship while not letting him meet the other girlfriends she was fucking regularly while never meeting him IRL a single time. Yeah guess I shoulda stayed with her, I'm the bad guy for not continuing to let her abuse me because her abusing me was "making her more comfortable in the relationship." Listen. I hate to break this to you. But if you act like this, or defend these people, you are a fucking psychopath and I no longer give a shit what you think about me. You are a bad person.)

PS: I usually get people asking, when I make posts like this, "Jay, did something happen?" because y'all assume every time I wanna make a post like this, I just got out of a fight with someone and needed to vent. The truth this time is that this has been boiling up for the last 12 years I've been here on Tumblr, seeing more and more and more of this fucking manipulative sociopath behavior becoming more and more commonplace and accepted and more and more people are scared to speak out against it because if just one of you fucking psychos can damage our reputation and get us fired from our workspace, imagine what thousands of you could do. Well, I'm done catering to y'all. If you are my friend, I will gladly act a certain way around you to make you comfy because I always strive to make my friends, family members, ect. as comfortable as possible.

But if I haven't met you and I'm expected to cater to your comfort zone's rules before even saying hi to you? I'm just noping the fuck out of there because you are a sick, twisted pervert with a fucking power fetish who is blind to how much of a manipulative shitwad you are.

PPS: I know, the assumption here is "Jay's gonna start saying the gamer word to poke the beehive now! He's looking for a fight!"

No, I literally am not. Why would I? I'm trying to live and be comfortable why the shit would I go out of my way to rile the psychos up? I'm gonna just hang out with my friends and family and fans who love me and continue being a respectful person towards people who are respectful in return, rather than go out of my way to find horrible scumbag people and attack them deliberately because I wanna start a fight or some shit. Why would I wanna be in a fight? Why would I wanna deliberately troll or rile people up? That makes me feel bad. I was yelled at and beat by my father for 25 years why would I go try to get myself yelled at more? So take off the tinfoil hat, stop assuming I'm announcing I'm gonna be more openly disrespectful on purpose. I'm a respectful person, I don't attack people, I don't troll people, I don't do anything to deliberately harm anyone.

So I ask you very politely.

If anything you read here today has tarnished your opinion of me?

Please just block me and move on, holy shit. Do the right thing, make yourself more comfortable, stop interacting. Don't waste your time trying to "get through to me" just leave, it's not worth either of our time. Do that with everyone you strongly disagree with. If someone offends you so much you're shitting blood just block them. Why the fuck y'all gotta keep putting your heads in sharks' mouths and then complaining they keep bitin' you.

52 notes · View notes

theerurishipper · 6 months

Note

This is going to be long so I can understood if you ignored it just see it as me venting my frustrations with her character. I'm just about done with her which sucks since I use to love her a lot. Sorry for sounding negative in this ask I sent you hope it wasn't a bother.

You've successfully swayed me into becoming a staunch supporter of Chat Noir; how audacious of you! Just kidding, of course. I now grasp your perspective regarding the complexities of Marinette's situation. In the past, I never delved into their dynamic and, admittedly, held some reservations about Chat Noir for frequently causing problems and adding stress to Ladybug's plate, a sentiment that seemed prevalent in the fandom and one I once shared.

Honestly, Season 5 was my breaking point. That episode where she powered down and tried to talk some sense into Gabriel? It made me see her in a whole new light. If it were any other parents, she'd be all action, no chat. But because it's Gabriel, Adrien's dad, there's this glaring bias, and it's been a massive letdown for me. She made her bed, and now she has to lie in it. It's not just Ladybug who's drawing my frustration but also her dedicated supporters. Some, who use Marinette who's age I assume to be around 14 often use her age as a shield. It's strange to witness this phenomenon in the Miraculous fan community, where her character's age is consistently invoked as an excuse. They seem to forget that she's a fictional character, brought to life through pixels and scripted character arcs. I've been a fan in various mediums, but the Miraculous fandom takes the cake for clinging to this age excuse. It's like they think 14 and the stress of her trauma are the ultimate get-out-of-jail-free cards. But hey, what else is new in the world of fandom, right?

Back when I was a ripe old age of 14, I did some growing up, and now at the age of 21, I can confidently say Marinette's actions don't resonate with me at all. I'm all about that honesty, and I can't see myself pulling off any of her shenanigans. I mean, why keep secrets in the first place, especially when you've been partnered up for ages? If we're in the same boat, risking our lives and all, it just seems unfair to leave the other person in the dark when we stumble upon something fishy. That's just basic BFF code, isn't it?

I had some optimism when Season 5 rolled around, but man, it just felt all kinds of wrong. There was something off about it, and Adrien... oh boy, he's like a completely different person from Season 1. I mean, he actually had some color in his skin – talk about a glow-up! He used to look so much happier as Chat Noir. Now, it's like he's tiptoeing around, walking on metaphorical eggshells.

And don't even get me started on the LadyNoir dynamic. It's like a trainwreck in slow motion, and it stinks. I mean, I've watched Totally Spies, and those characters, they had their own stuff going on, but they had each other's backs. It's crystal clear that Miraculous Ladybug is missing that camaraderie.

Her portrayal as a romantic interest, whether in or out of her superhero costume, has been notably lacking. In neither capacity does she appear to be a suitable match for Adrien, and her dynamic with Chat Noir has been fractured to an irreparable extent, leaving much to be desired.

This indeed raises a pertinent question – how can they be considered soulmates or destined for each other when the connection is this lackluster? Adrien seemed to have a more promising dynamic with Kagami than with our primary female protagonist. In Season 5, it appears as though they simply forced them together without genuine chemistry or compatibility. It's all about what he caters to her Marinette the star!

Her performance as a superheroine leaves much to be desired. I find myself questioning her role as the protagonist, particularly given the abundance of problematic situations within the show, many of which are left unaddressed. There's a conspicuous absence of meaningful connections with the victims, with only fleeting interactions following the vanquishing of the villain. The absence of emotional depth is striking. I can't help but wonder why she's the star of the show. There's a disturbing amount of abuse happening, and the lack of follow-up with victims is baffling. It's like they defeat the bad guys and call it a day, no emotional depth, nada.

Upon witnessing her actions in the finale, I reached my breaking point. She ranks as one of the most disappointing female magical heroines when compared to Bloom, Luz, and Iris from Lolirock. Her treatment of her partner left me deeply disheartened, and I remain uncertain about what her fans could possibly rescue to redeem her character.

Thank you for reading~

Feel free to vent, anon, it's never a bother!

I'm glad my points resonated with you! I'm not posting all this to try to change anyone's mind, but it is nice to see that people are considering what I have to say.

And I agree with a lot of what you have to say! I will say, though, that I don't really think Marinette is to blame all that much for Gabriel winning. It's not her fault that he stabbed her in the back. She gave him a chance and he ruined it, and that's all on him. And one more thing I sort of disagree with is that Ladybug doesn't form meaningful connections with the victims. I think it's rather unfair to expect her to form deep emotional connections with every single person she saves. Both Ladybug and Chat Noir do spend some time comforting the victims after the fights, but I think they can't be expected to stick around and solve every problem. I hope this doesn't seem rude, it's just my take.

But I agree largely with everything else! I especially like this point:

It's not just Ladybug who's drawing my frustration but also her dedicated supporters. Some, who use Marinette who's age I assume to be around 14 often use her age as a shield. It's strange to witness this phenomenon in the Miraculous fan community, where her character's age is consistently invoked as an excuse. They seem to forget that she's a fictional character, brought to life through pixels and scripted character arcs. I've been a fan in various mediums, but the Miraculous fandom takes the cake for clinging to this age excuse. It's like they think 14 and the stress of her trauma are the ultimate get-out-of-jail-free cards.

This is so right. Like, Marinette is a 14-year-old, but that isn't really an excuse? It's an explanation and a valid one, certainly, but it's not an excuse. At any rate, it's not the fact that she's making mistakes that's the problem, it's the fact that she never seems to learn from them. I admit this is a writing issue and Marinette is, at the end of the day, the mouthpiece for the writers, but it does not help me connect with her like I used to. Using her age as a constant excuse does not fly after a certain point of time.

At the end of the day, whatever Marinette does is portrayed as the right thing to do, and it makes it more obvious than ever that she's not a real approximation of a 14-year-old. She's a character in a children's cartoon who serves as the writers' mouthpiece, and whatever is coming from the writers' is some weird ass shit.

And I also very much agree with your assessment of the Ladynoir dynamic. It really sucks how low it's fallen. It was a major draw of the show for me, and now it's been reduced to nothing, all to prop up the least interesting side of the square. It's too bad.

Thank you for your ask!

#MLB #Miraculous Ladybug #Adrien Agreste #Marinette Dupain Cheng #Chat Noir #Ladybug #Meta #My meta #Asks #ML Salt #ML Writing Salt #ML Writers Salt #Marinette Salt #Ladybug Salt #ML Fandom Salt #S5 Finale #Ladynoir conflict

50 notes · View notes

marabarl-and-marlbara · 6 months

Note

hello. i'm not sure how to phrase this properly but do you have any advice on not being afraid of being social with real humans? i admit i am a bit paranoid. i do not want to share anything about myself with anyone in real life, i do not want to use any social media that can be easily traced back to my real identity, i am afraid of meeting up with and talking to people i can meet locally etc. i know that human connection requires vulnerability and being "real", but i've seen far too many examples of people being bullied for being themselves and from my experiences relationships don't last that long, i can't keep friends, so it's almost not worth it to open up that much because it can be used against you later once you stop talking etc etc etc., at least that's what i think. i don't know how to perceive people as kind and stop being afraid. it's hard. sorry if this question is not phrased well.

hi anonymous; i:m terrible to ask for this!

i have basically no real-life relationships and my whole life has basically been a tomb built upon an inability to change, connect, and grow; spiritually i:m like what happens if the bacteria inside an empty house is allowed to stagnate and flow in-to the floorboards till it becomes like a fat pungent jelly saturating the baseboards, principal post, foundation; nasty and tepid and like a black mold :-))!

any-ways: what helped me get-over my social anxiety, slightly, was just gradual exposure at my own behest: forcing myself to go-out and get something nice for myself weekly/daily; when i had a little more money: this would be stopping out for coffee; or: just going to a thrift-store and looking at books.

for internet stuff and bullying: being open and facing consequence for your own existence is just part-and-parcel of being a person; even: if you are "making a career out of yourself" (whether it be an artist, or just some prolific poster (i:d consider this a career, absolutely, because when i was "way emotionally worse" i:d more-or-less literally get financially incentivized for being actively suicidal and mentally ill--blood sacrifice)) you sort-of implicitly are surrendering a barrier between yourself and other, cause ultimately it:s All About Connection & people don:t connect to barriers super well; incidentally, i think i had a worse time with "bullying" when i had more to be ashamed about myself, and had more internal insecurities -- but i also cared more about my identity as an artist; i:ve Confronted(!) the parts i:ve been too ashamed to confront and made peace with them, and now am mostly content with just housekeeping.

But: i:m still terrifically lonely. purpose and identity helps there; the only things that have ever abated the loneliness for me is being completely ensorcelled with /something/ (like a writing project, drawing, fleshing out an inner world, feeling like i am furthering my goal to the Communication/bacteria) -- and those only come as impulses for me; without: every-day is just a lonely dead-quiet stretch between meals that:s filled up with finding excuses to keep myself busy.

~but: i think that:s also "better;" i keep myself to a routine and give myself responsibilities that i don:t let myself shirk (my praying, my cleaning, my exercising, forcing myself to go to church once a week, my cooking, my grocery shopping); it:s like what moto realizes at the end of boogiepop phantom episode 1,

unfortunately we have to reconcile ourselves by ourselves, and likely: that is a life-time struggle that none of us get to shirk;

if you:d like a recommendation, anonymous, i:d like you to watch "boogiepop and others" (not "boogiepop phantom") episode 6; it:s an episode about that struggle, suema talks about it; if i:m feeling super-duper down i:ll listen to that conversation @ the end of episode 6 between suema and aya, about the struggle with the imaginator, and whether-or-not boogiepop is real.

anyways, i don:t think i gave you great advice here anonymous; even: i doubt any of this will lift your spirits >:-)) but @ minimum: try to be kind to yourself, including patience with yourself, and also responsibility to yourself; often it seems like people are awaiting another to come and pluck the dirt out of us: but that dirt is us, and all another can do is add more slurry to us.

take care chief.

32 notes · View notes

eeblouissant · 19 days

Note

maybe you have done it before but if not/if it's sth you'd like to do (again :D) what about young versions of Blanche and Rose? I mean we see Dorothy as a young woman but not the other two. I keep thinking about how I would design them & keep realizing that I would have to research a bit of fashion history first to get them right. I absolutely think it would be an interesting challenge (& maybe I'll find the time myself at some point) ✨

here they areee !!! i hadn’t drawn them all next to each other yet so I thought I’d use this ask as an excuse to :D

I had a few Dorothy thoughts while drawing so I’m putting them here (I don’t want to lose them) (it was basically all just how Dorothy would have reacted had they met younger & attempted to be friendly, kinda sorta. They got a little off topic but you get the idea 😭)

Dorothy would be so painfully envious, for obvious reasons. To a point that it would just have been too mentally straining for her to have found their friendship at any other time in her life. In my head younger Dorothy was a very bitter person & it was a product of her situation. She was (& continues to be sometimes, although much less-so in current-canon) severely depressed & in survival mode. she dealt with dissociation, & wasn’t really all there (sometimes she prayed for it) through most of the 38 years she was married to Stan. It began as a stress response out of her control, & was triggered initially by the wedding, that she’d eventually learned to “manipulate”. So – any time she’d see women her age getting excited to discuss the idea of children with their husbands while she had a four & two year old on her hip, or go off & live their lives with nothing tying them down, other college students just out enjoying their world - where hers had been ruined before it could have even begun - she becomes cruel. It’s internal mostly, & she never makes it known. But knowing that she will never have that, that she was forced to give it up for someone that wasn’t even worth it in the end - all of it leaves her a numb kind of angry. I think she dealt with some kind of anticipatory grief, assuming no change in her future. I could write an essay on Dorothy & dissociation (& how living with Rose & Blanche finally helped her come to one morning, out of no where) but I’ll spare you for now. There’s just no other way her body & mind could have possibly reacted oh my god she needs a hug. SHE WAS SO YOUNG?!!

Anyways - basically, they would have never lasted had they met during Dorothy’s marriage to Stan, because Dorothy would have removed herself from them very quickly.

#the golden girls #i love drawing Dorothy in the most obnoxious poses #she’s got silly posture to me #<- the Stress™️#she’s just lanky & it’s fun to draw #she’s supposed to be leaning on something. pretend she’s leaning on something #anyways aghh young rose seriously has my heart here #dorothy zbornak #blanche devereaux #rose nylund #golden wives #art #artist #asks

10 notes · View notes

shirogane-oushirou · 2 months

Text

gonna continue to puzzle over specifics when i'm forcing myself to go offline LMAO but. poke.mon au!!

ren started his journey in kalos with a froakie, but didn't get far because 1) he wasn't actually that interested in battling, 2) he preferred photographing and studying the things and places he saw, and 3) his parents were pressuring him to do something else because his efforts could be "put to better use" elsewhere.

now he's working alongside many others across the world to find new medicinal and therapeutic purposes for various poke.mon (his focus of course being in fungus-based poke.mon + various kinds of spores). he's also skilled at treating spore-based illnesses. his current team helps him in his studies.

i just kinda gave my s/i the team i like when i'm playing the games (aside from scolipede, though i DO have a shiny scolipede that i love hehe). my initial idea was "ro gets through most of the johto league before getting into an accident that cuts their career short" but like. lbr. i've never been the adventuring type LMAO SLAJDNKJN, i've been a gamer and art kid since i was itty bitty, and any time outside was spent looking at cool plants and sticks and shit.

so while my team here was going to have a lugia in place of scolipede, i just don't think that makes sense. nah, more likely, i can imagine starting in johto with cyndaquil as a starter, mareep and magikarp as early catches, realizing the league isn't For Me, and moving to coumarine in kalos with family. once there, i could travel to places around lumiose and catch a venipede, be rescued by a gengar (based on a dream. as usual for me lol.)...

and i'm still working out the How, but i wuv sawk and need him on the team. i do get in some kind of accident at some point, so maybe he could help me-- actually that might work out sdkjkj i played b&w (and developed a surprising affection for sawk) just a couple of years before becoming ill, so it would Kinda Work with the irl timeline??? hmmmm!

but the basic idea is just: ren's passing through coumarine while on his way to one of the surrounding routes for his research. i'm drawing some pastel landscapes by the waterside, as a way to get some fresh air. i catch his attention, he starts up a conversation, and find we have quite a bit in common! and even though he has to go, he finds excuses to pass through the area more often... :3c just kind of "what if we were both Normal (tm) but also there were poke.mon?" lmao.

#now the question is 'will this become Enough to warrant making a FOURTH ren tag' lol #bc he's like... doc!ren but genuinely just a normal fucking guy. no mental spirals. just a dude who really likes mushrooms.#also. day 2 of metaphorically touching grass and i've already finished several tasks i've been meaning to do for weeks kjsdnkjdns #and i've started reading some spade alice hehehe i might get to see one of my worst otome boyfriends (affectionate)~~#📌 [ my posts. ]#✏️ [ my scenarios. ]#🐸 [ look ahead. ]#✨ [ oc lore. ]#🦔 [ used to be easy. ]#pokemon -

7 notes · View notes

faeratil · 6 months

Text

Because I have no one in person that I can rant to about my thoughts on Cinderella and the Four Knights (2016), you guys get to hear my thoughts.

First, I put this show on because I had just finished Tomorrow (2022), and I needed something sappy and full of cliché tropes to help distract me from the emotional trauma. I did my best from episode 1 to try and guess who was endgame for Eun Ha-Won based on all of the stereotypes and the way the interactions between her and the Kang cousins were written, and I feel like my original thoughts would’ve been a better ending.

Also with the way that the characters were written, they really should’ve called it Cinderella and the Three Knights because the fourth “knight” wasn’t even really written to be a Love Interest in spite of him being one of the best characters (until stuff happens with his mother and then it’s like being disappointed by your longtime crush and wanting to smack some sense into them).

My thoughts on the characters, though:

Eun Ha-Won

I love her. She deserves the world. She is an absolute ball of sunshine in spite of all the shit she’s had to deal with and continues to deal with straight through to the final meeting she has with Chairman Kang. I think she’s gorgeous, and I hate that she thinks she’s not pretty just because of how the Kang cousins treat her vs Park Hye-Ji. She honestly could’ve made it through the whole show without a Love Interest and I would’ve liked that more than the actual ending. She’s strong physically, mentally, and emotionally. She’s very smart and wants to use what she knows to teach others. She’s so very devoted to family in spite of how her stepmom and stepsister treat her, and even more so how her dad treated her. I would’ve tried to woo her myself if I had been in the show.

Kang Ji-Woon

The bad boy/bully type, the enemies-to-lovers trope, the stalker’s enabler. This man constantly looks like a crying wet puppy, but not in a cute way. He tries to look so sad and pitiful, and he’s an asshole from the get go. From the very start where he rolls his eyes and tries to give Ha-Won his watch when she asks him to apologize for not buying all the food he asked her to prepare at the convenience store, and then scoffs and immediately assumes she’d do anything for money (without considering the fact that she’s dead broke and needs money to survive). You think maybe there’s a redemption when he gives her a bouquet of white roses on the memorial day (I forget what the actual name of that day is called) of her mom’s death. And then you see him being a whiny puppy stuck to the second female lead, enabling her stalker tendencies and hating everyone who doesn’t immediately make Hye-Ji happy. He hates Hyun-Min so much that he also decides to pursue Ha-Won just to make him miserable when he thinks they’re engaged, not even caring about how it might make Ha-Won feel. He keeps doing sweet and caring things that make you think “oh she’s finally breaking down his tough exterior”, and then he just turns around and is an asshole again. He abandoned both Ha-Won AND Hye-Ji on the side of the road on separate occasions and then thought just saying “oh sorry” would fix it. I get that his backstory is sad, and I get that Chairman Kang fucked him over and basically forced him to accept the fact that he’s family, but it’s no excuse for the way he treats everyone else. Also, man needs to learn how to comb his hair and maybe take some allergy medication so his eyes stop watering and his nose isn’t always red.

Kang Seo-Woo

The unrequited love, the pop-star, the male best friend trope. I love him, and I hate that the writers barely gave him a chance. He tried so hard so many times to tell Ha-Won that he liked her. He did so many things to care for her, wrote love songs about her, used his status as a pop-star to help draw crowds away from Ha-Won when she was getting bullied by the girls who thought she was Chairman Kang’s mistress, was a genuinely kind person to everyone including Ha-Won’s best friend, and tried so many times to confess. I wish the writers would’ve taken just a couple more lines to have him say “no, Ha-Won, I’m not writing a love song right now, I’m telling you how I genuinely feel about you” and actually given her a chance to consider him. He saw how much Ha-Won hated the spotlight she got while everyone thought she was engaged to Hyun-Min, and he let pictures of himself in a girls uniform go viral just to stop more pictures of Ha-Won from leaking to the press. At any moment, he could’ve just done with Hyun-Min did and asked Ha-Won to play along with the rumors of them dating, but he actually considered Ha-Won’s feelings (glaring at you, Ji-Woon) and lied about his own feelings to protect her. If I had to choose between the Kang cousins, I would choose Seo-Woo.

Kang Hyun-Min

The spoiled rich kid, the playboy, the fake fiancé, the one afraid to actually love, the object of the stalker’s affection. I wish he had been endgame. They set it up so well in the beginning for him to be endgame. You could tell from the moment he saw Ha-Won beat up the assholes at the bar/party for not paying for the pizza delivery, he was developing feelings. He could’ve easily gone back on his bet with his friends and asked any other girl to go to Chairman Kang’s wedding with him, but he chose to go after Ha-Won, and even went all the way to the convenience store just to try and get her attention. His shock at hearing about BOGO deals with the ice cream was honestly cute, and he was kind enough to sit down with Ha-Won and enjoy the ice cream in spite of being raised directly under Chairman Kang (who makes it very clear what he thinks of anyone who isn’t rich), and he’s actually nice to her. At the beginning he still has that playboy attitude, but even after offering her money to be his date (and being turned down, good job Ha-Won for holding true to your values), he still tries. He picks her up for the wedding, opens the door for her, treats her the way a gentleman should treat a lady (win for chivalry!), and gives her a chance to feel as beautiful as she is. He also is very up front and adamant with Hye-Ji that he wants nothing to do with her, but she keeps showing up and trying to make him feel guilty for not still liking her after having a crush on her when they were NINE YEARS OLD, and it’s been 10 years (she bugs the hell out of me but we’ll get to her). Hyun-Min also is thinking of Ha-Won when he asks Chairman Kang and Secretary Lee to keep it secret from the other Kang cousins that Ha-Won isn’t his real fiancé, because he trusts that they wouldn’t try to pull anything on someone who was already in a relationship (fuck you Ji-Woon for taking that personally and making Ha-Won uncomfortable and confused). He keeps Ha-Won company so she won’t be alone, he goes along with her missions until his pride gets in the way, he buys her a whole wardrobe of clothes because she keeps wearing the same tracksuit for god knows how many episodes and just genuinely tries to make her feel comfortable and taken care of so she can focus on the things she actually needs to do instead of just surviving. I wish that he had seen Ha-Won when she got dolled up in that black and blue dress, he would’ve fallen for her all over again. Unfortunately, the writers decided that the “childhood lovers/first love” trope was more important for Hyun-Min and Hye-Ji, and they had him go back to her even though she was being a stalker after he repeatedly said no. Also hella power move that the heir to the Haneul group in his early 20s would go stand before a board of directors and his grandpa’s wife to save his grandpa’s company after being a slacker playboy up until he met Ha-Won. I love him. I wish he had ended up with Ha-Won. Fuck the writers for putting him with his stalker.

Lee Yoon-Sung

The “fourth knight”, the secretary to the chairman, the by the book character. They never even gave him a chance to be considered a Love Interest, so it kept bothering me that they called it “…Four Knights” and then only made 3 of them potential LIs. He is the most efficient and down to earth of all the guys, he does his job exceedingly well, he respects the absolute hell out of Ha-Won and tries his best to make the Kang cousins respect her as well, he’s a master of tae-kwon-do, he’s deeply loyal to the chairman until a bigger issue comes up, and he’s a very obvious fan favorite. I was very disappointed that the writers made him side with Madame Ji even for the time that he did because he had been so against treating her as his mother after she abandoned him with an abusive drunk father 12 years prior, but I am glad his loyalty to the chairman won out. Also very happy that they included him in their friend group at the end, my man needs to learn to relax (but not with alcohol… my emetophobia did not appreciate the end of the drunk dinner…).

Park Hye-Ji

The second female lead. I cannot stand her. I hate that the writers even included her past the first couple episodes, and I hate even more than they ended up letting her win with Hyun-Min. She’s a very “woe is me” character who acts like she’s entitled to everyone’s attention, especially Hyun-Min’s, just because he gave her a ring when they were 9 and her family got along with the Kang family before her brother died. This girl spends 10 years pining over Hyun-Min after she has not seen or heard from him AT ALL in those 10 years, shows up at his house unannounced when he returns to Korea from studying abroad, constantly shows up wherever he is in public and just looks at him all sad and pathetic like he belongs to her and is cheating on her, she’s been told by him numerous times in basically every episode that he does not want her around and that she should give up even to the point where Hyun-Min has to threaten to never acknowledge her again, she hates Ha-Won for being close to Hyun-Min and then later Ji-Woon, she jumps from guy to guy after Hyun-Min’s threat starting with Ji-Woon because she knows it’ll piss off Hyun-Min the most, she assumes anyone who is nice to her must be in love with her and feels personally attacked and betrayed when they’re like “no I’m just a nice person, I don’t have feelings for you”, blames Hyun-Min for her being so sad and depressed when she’s the one who can’t just fucking get over him from when THEY WERE CHILDREN, constantly tries to make moves and get close to Hyun-Min on the trip and after she moves into Haneul House, and then turns around and is like “I never want to see you again” when Hyun-Min tries to treat her more kindly and tries to explain why he was being such a dick to her. And yet they end up together. Because “childhood love/first love” was more important to the writers than the fact that they made the second female lead a self absorbed entitled stalker. The only thing that comes to mind that puts her in a good light was when she let Ha-Won spend the night, but even that was reluctant and she only started being nice after Ha-Won admitted that the engagement was fake. She should’ve just taken the fashion scholarship to Paris and finally gotten out of the Kang’s lives. If she was alone in a foreign country she might actually learn to rely on herself instead of always expecting Hyun-Min or Ji-Woon to come running.

Hong Ja-Yeoung

Seo-Woo’s biggest fan, Ha-Won’s best friend, an absolute cupcake of a character. I want her to be my best friend. It did annoy me that at the beginning of the trip, she left Ha-Won to do stuff alone just because Seo-Woo wasn’t joining them, but my girl has Ha-Won’s back in every other situation. She was even willing to support Ha-Won and Seo-Woo when the scandal article was published saying that they were engaged when they weren’t. She also was determined enough to get close to her favorite pop-star that she came up with a plan to help him escape his fan girls by wearing her school uniform, and she managed to sneak some photos of him crossdressing as well that he later used to help Ha-Won. She’s been there for Ha-Won through everything and did whatever she could to help even though she herself didn’t have much. I am so happy for her that she gets to be part of Seo-Woo’s management team in the end.

Chairman Kang

Classist asshole who values highly skilled and charismatic employees, but continues to treat them like trash if they stop acting like employees. For him, money buys everything including people, and he has almost completely forgotten what it’s like to actually care about someone until Ji-Woon is on his knees in tears begging him to give his blessings to him and Ha-Won, bringing up how the chairman made his mom leave his dad to remind him of the horrible mistake he made in the past. Chairman Kang talks all the time about wanting the Kang cousins to act as a family, but doesn’t even act like a grandpa to them. He acts like a dictator by threatening to cut them off from everyone and everything if they don’t do exactly what he says. He has good instinct not to trust Madame Ji towards the end, but you would think after 4 failed marriages he would have some way of blocking any future wives from trying to take over the company. I’m glad he finally gave Ha-Won his blessing, but just the wrong cousin.

That being said! In spite of the endgame love interest and the stalker, the interactions were pretty cute and it was entertaining. It was much needed after watching Tomorrow. I’m going to acknowledge that canon has Ha-Won with Ji-Woon, but in my mind I will always pair Ha-Won with Hyun-Min or Seo-Woo, and believe that Hye-Ji would actually go away (and STAY away) after Hyun-Min rejected her at the wedding.

#cinderella and the four knights #kdrama #long post #my thoughts #just my opinion #ignore me #I just needed to rant

14 notes · View notes

mystery-moose · 7 months

Text

Someone in my life posed some interesting questions about stories recently! In considering them I figured I'd keep a record of my thoughts here on my tumblr web log, because what void should I holler into if not this one?

First, how I think about stories. I try to avoid thinking about them as morality plays or parables (mostly because this can keep me from engaging with challenging art) but I also don't like thinking about them purely as escapism. Each story has a reason it exists, whether that's entertainment, communication, or contemplation. They're designed to draw out our empathy, communicate a feeling, create a mood. Sometimes that's in service of something important to the author. Other times, it's something meant to distract. I don't judge a story based on its pretensions, or on its naked commercialism -- I try to judge based on its execution, how it's doing what it's doing, and how well it succeeds. There are great artists right now working solely with other people's licenses, doing work-for-hire gigs, and their skills are just as worthy of praise and appreciation as the latest semi-original high-concept novel hanging in the middle of the New York Times bestseller list.

Basically, I think about stories like stories! Or, if I absolutely have to be metaphorical, like buildings. Are the foundations strong? Is it doing anything special? Can I navigate it easily? How accessible is it? That last matters a lot to me, because it doesn't matter how cool the interior is if most people can't find their way inside.

Second, what do I need a story to do to recommend it to someone else? I'm gonna go with "accessibility" at the top, not in the disability sense but the populist one. Yeah, playing to the cheap seats can hurt a story a lot, and you obviously can't please everyone, but ignoring your audience doesn't make me appreciate your story much myself, let alone get me to recommend it to anyone else. You have to find a balance where what you're communicating isn't absolute nonsense to most of your audience. Not all! Just most. Effective communication of your thoughts, feelings, and ideas to a layman is something I think a lot of storytellers could stand to care about more when it comes to honing their craft, and that goes for folks outside of the arts especially. So if I find a story with a big concept, beautiful craft, intense emotion, and it's not too esoteric or inaccessibly written? That's great art in my book, and I'll tell everyone about it.

Next, what do I look for in stories? Now that is a tough one... I guess, beyond sheer execution (if your prose is good enough you can take me almost anywhere) I look for something that makes me care about its characters as it introduces me to their world, and does so without me feeling like I'm being told why I should care about the characters or what their world is like. This goes for everything from period pieces to stories set in places or communities I'm unfamiliar with, just as much as it goes for fantasy or science-fiction. I do generally have to care about the characters in a piece to really devote a significant amount of time to a story, though. If I don't, the other elements of the work (craft, originality, feeling) have to carry a whole lot more of the weight in order to get me to finish something.

What are red flags for me? Honestly, a big one is feeling either preached or condescended to. Even if it's politics or perspectives I agree with, if I feel like I'm being told what to think rather than thinking it on my own, or if I simply think the author doesn't trust me to understand what they're trying to say? I check out. Beyond that, when a story excuses terrible behavior in the interests of forcing me to sympathize with a character the author clearly favors, I also check out. There's other stuff too -- I don't much care for certain tropes when they feel obvious or sufficiently undisguised (at least try to put some kind of spin on it!) -- but those are the big ones I think. If I see those, my desire to continue drops real sharp.

A recent example of a story I really loved, because I try to stay positive: earlier this year I finished a book called A Memory Called Empire by Arkady Martine, which almost instantly became one of my favorite stories. I had to sit with my feelings for days before I really settled on that, too! I worry about recency bias sometimes, that an impact will dull with time, but Empire has lived in my head since I read it. It's a well-told and compelling yarn that dips into a number of my favorite genres (science-fiction, murder-mystery, political intrigue, thriller) told from one of my favorite POVs (first-person) that also happens to dig into concepts that I find super cool and interesting! Things like history, how it's recorded, who makes it, what matters versus what historians only think matters. Things like the colonialism, cultural imperialism, and the politics of empire -- the pressure of being a small community being subsumed by a larger, more dominant one, the complicated nature of being a person from two worlds, whether by choice or by birth, and so on. It's got a lot of thoughts about that stuff, and it can't touch on all of them with the depth that they deserve, but it knows enough to know there's no easy answer for a lot of its questions, and it manages to make that feel like a natural conclusion rather than a copout. A great novel, and one I recommend to most everyone I know!

One I'm still in the middle of that I need to get back to: Gene Wolfe's Book of the New Sun. That's a work that I think is a bit inaccessible, with characters that I don't necessarily love (the protagonist is a professional torturer, if that tells you anything) but the sheer craft on display... my god. There are whole sections I've read, passages that describe a feeling that I've had before but never put to words, and it expresses them so effectively and with such excellent language that it carries me forward on those passages even when I'm unsure what this person's quest is or whether or not I even like them. And that's to say nothing of the depth of the text itself -- Ursula K. Le Guin famously called Gene Wolfe genre fiction's Herman Melville, and that's been borne out in what I've read so far. I've been listening to the Shelved by Genre podcast as I've been reading the book, and their own insights and analysis illuminate whole sections of the text that I would never have noticed otherwise, or would have without knowing exactly why! Awesome stuff.

#moose blogs #on storytelling #i think about stories a lot #like i think about history a lot #that venn diagram is a circle in my mind #so when i find a story that thinks about the same stuff?#that's the best babyyy

10 notes · View notes

twst-drabbles · 8 months

Note

Everytime i read After God (it's a manga) i always tell myself that it's one of good reference for drawing an eldritch god because well it is about eldritch god and the artstyle is good as well

I like it when they said that the God's or IPO's can only be seen by the naked eye and cannot be seen through phone lense

And there is a vid on yt titleed SCP: OVERLORD by Evan Royalty,the creatures cannot be seen by the naked eye but they can be killed just by using normal guns,so they can only be seen by a special recording device

Ah, always been a big fan of both scary eldritch gods and eerily beautiful eldritch gods, always so fun to see and read about. I actually have been slowly crafting an eldritch universe as an original project. Originally was going to have it be a set of short novellas but the more I look at it, the more it seems suiting to be a text adventure. However, again, my mentally ill brain never goes with what I truly need to do, so whether I actually get around to it without some sort of outside pressure, well...we'll see. It's difficult, trying to self motivate since simply trying to force myself is...next to impossible honestly.

I hope to show off that project one day. I think it's neat, making all these eldritch monsters and gods and their resulting influence over the world. Basically a world that's just an excuse to make weird shit happen and weave a story in all muck. It's fun, it's fun.

Also, I did read that manga. And yeah, I like it. Art's good! Neat! And the main focus is on the platonic bonds which is my shit.

#admin

16 notes · View notes

brzatto · 9 months

Note

I have some questions I wanted to ask :3c

I really love your Carmy drawing! You drew his sad puppy eyes and messy hair perfectly. Are you going to post any more art? 👀

I just started watching season 2 of The Bear and I was wondering how your rewatch was going. Any new thoughts after rewatching?

You're a Pacific Rim fan? 🥳 If Carmy and Richie were partners in that I feel like the Jaeger would immediately explode as soon as they were both plugged into it 😂 What are your AU thoughts?

helloooo <3

1. thank you!!!! ;_; as for posting any more art idk i doubt it >_< if i’m being honest i rarely ever draw at all and that doodle was just a one off but if i ever just so happen to do any more in the future then maybe! i’d like to get back into drawing more but the bear has pretty evidently manifested itself more in the writing side of my brain so

2. if i’m being honest i’m still on ep2 of my rewatch LMFAO every time i try and sit myself down and tell myself to watch it i end up finding an excuse to pull myself away. idk why i’m so mentally averse to it… what’s that thing called where people keep putting off things they genuinely want to do because that’s basically what’s happening rn. i do have a lot of thoughts and half formed posts in my drafts rn just from my first watch alone though i just feel like i should complete my rewatch before sharing them and then i keep… not doing that

3. i loooove pacrim it’s one of my favorite movies/universes ever. if i like a character or a pairing regardless of what the og media source is trust that i will be imagining them in a pacrim au… i’ve been toying with the idea for carmy and richie on and off in the back of my head since way back last year but i actually think it works pretty 1:1 with canon! mikey and richie being lifelong best friends and going into the pilot program together, finding out they’re drift compatible and becoming jaeger pilots together, mikey being kia, carmy always having this pipe dream of becoming a pilot and spending his childhood looking up to mikey and richie and wanting to be just like them but being deterred by something or another. maybe going through the program but because he’s naturally reserved and introverted he thinks he doesn’t have what it takes to be an actual pilot or that he’ll never be drift compatible with someone because he can’t really imagine connecting with anyone in that way. when mikey dies richie’s left in need of a partner but richie is richie so he’s not really compatible with anyone else until they offer to test carmy and lo and behold.. richie balks from it at first obviously because carmy’s just a rookie without any real experience in the field and he and mikey were pretty well established for years (if not just a little unorthodox) and internally half of him is unable to accept the idea of carmy being mikey’s replacement due to his grief and the other half of him is unable to accept carmy being mikey’s replacement due to his protectiveness of carmy (but he doesn’t mention or bring that up ever. i think their dynamics and history in pacrimverse would mirror their histories together in canon, but any genuine good intentions richie has is also probably overshadowed by his anger/resentment and he ends up lashing out a lot at the higher ups and keeping carmy at arm’s length the whole time this is happening. he’s just like.. not coping well. or at all for that matter) cue some very slow burn and mutually tentative bonding and richie always berating carmy for being “just a kid” throughout it and objecting about having him out in the field (not to his face or anything, probably not even with malicious intent or with the purpose of hurting carmy but carmy probably overhears or finds out anyways and resents him for it + feels all that self loathing and ineptitude because he knows he couldn’t live up to mikey either) and richie being given the ultimatum of either having carmy as his partner or being forced to retire but when they’re put in a tight spot they DO go out in the field together. something very dramatic and tragic happens because something dramatic and tragic is always happening in a pacrim au and it seems unlikely that they’ll both make it out and richie is adamant about carmy being the one who lives, still struggles with all that survivor’s guilt over mikey and wouldn’t be able to take going through it again, especially not with carmy. carmy of course is like… kicking and screaming and very much NOT willing to leave him behind and at the same time he’s ANGRY because all this time richie still doesn’t think of him as being capable nor does he trust carmy enough to be able to let him help and for them to go through this together. i don’t think carmy is as concerned as much about whether he lives or dies, or even really if richie lives or dies, i think whatever happens he just wants to see it through alongside richie. he wants richie to trust him, he wants them to be a team, and regardless of what happens to them he wants them to do it together meanwhile richie’s only priority is to ensure carmy walks away from this alive. at all costs.

since this isn’t necessarily a fic plot or anything just how i imagine a pacrim au for them would be like, the endings vary—richie deceives carmy/saves him against his will and has to deal with knowing he’s automatically lost all and whatever tentative trust carmy had in him leading up to this, either richie lives and he and carmy have to start again from the ground up bond wise (maybe they realize they can’t be partners after all and richie would rather retire than have to be put in a position like that again) (lawful evil end) OR carmy eventually forgives him and they work it out and continue being partners (lawful neutral end) OR richie dies and carmy’s left to deal with the survivor’s guilt instead. (neutral evil end)

alternate endings: carmy stays and saves richie instead—also up to you whether he lives or dies but in the event that carmy dies richie has to go through all that mess with mikey all over again and idk if he could like. mentally/emotionally/physically survive that (chaotic evil end) or carmy finally finally convinces richie to trust in him just this once and they combat the evil together and come out of it stronger and closer than ever (lawful good end). also if i’m being honest when i think of this au playing out in my head i surprisingly don’t think of them ever being explicitly romantic but they still have that air of weird unspoken homoerotic tension that they do in s1: richie still devastated and grieving and fighting a battle of internal conflict, carmy still rash and impulsive and oblivious, richie wanting nothing to do with carmy but still unable to stomach the mere notion of putting him at risk, carmy thinking richie is a washed up asshole but still desperately wanting his trust and approval. sometimes the pining is better ngl

#thank you SO much for asking me about my pacrim au…. it was nice to finally put these thoughts down somewhere since it’s basically #exclusively lived in the crevices at the back of my mind up until now #but yeah i think about it a lot. i fucking love pacrim and the whole concept and universe and lore… i actually DO think sydney would be #drift compatible with carmy too #it also makes me happy to know you liked my art you’re so sweet >_<#ask #carmrich #carmy x richie

6 notes · View notes

howthekriffdidigethere · 6 months

Text

Wish Come True.

Chapter Ten: Don't Trust Who?

(TW: talks of war, distrust, confusion and Rudeness but...I guess that's it! Let me know if I missed anything)

The fly to Onderon was quiet, calm, and overall boring.

There was tension in the air. Everyone around me knew they'd more than likely be fine, but they couldn't be so sure about me.

No one mentioned it, of course, I didn't expect them to, and I'm glad they didn't.

I was in that state of mind where I knew what was to happen but somehow was still in denial.

I tried my best to just focus on the task at hand, thinking of what could happen would get me nowhere.

Obi-Wan had explained the details of the mission and what we'd be doing after we reached the planet. Basically, we, or they, have to train some rebels so they can free their planet from the Separatists.

'Seems simple enough.' I thought.

Ahoska had given me one of her jedi robes to use, to hide our identities supposedly. I thought it made us stick out more.

We walked around the ship a while, Rex and Ahsoka pointing out certain rooms so it would be easier for me to navigate the ship by myself.

Now, here I am, laying on a bed, Ahoska across the room, but unable to fall asleep.

I sighed in frustration for the umpteenth time as sleep continued to evade me.

A few more minutes passed and still no progress. I finally had enough and decided to go for a walk to clear my head.

The halls were quiet, most people asleep or in their rooms, only a few clone personal here and there.

I made my way to a window that we had passed earlier. I stood beside it, watching the lights speed by.

'Hyperspace is beautiful.' I thought, and for the first time since I stepped on this ship, I felt at peace. My mind stopped racing, my hands ceased to shake, and I was just in my own world.

Even though I forced myself not to think about what was to come, the anxiety of the situation still weighed on me. I'm not surprised it did, I'm sure anyone in my position would be faced with the same problems.

Except, there was no one else in my position. Just me...

I was used to being alone, but this felt different. More lonely and...Dark.

My brows furrowed as I focused on the feeling, something drawing me closer, calling out to me like a siren would to a sailor.

"Don't trust him." A voice, the same from when I first showed up in this world, warned in my ear.

I gasped and looked around, eyes wide. But again, no one was there.

It'd been two weeks since I heard anything from him, but now? Off all times?

And those words...?

I swallowed the shock down and looked back at the window. "Who? Who do I not trust?"

No answer. Of course.

I sighed and looked down, hearing the words echo in my mind, making my head spin.

Suddenly, I felt extremely tired. I stumbled away from the window and hurried back to my room, heart pounding in my chest.

I layed down and hid under the poor excuse of a blanket I was given. I felt like a child, but I didn't care at that moment.

Confusion and fear left a tight feeling in my chest as I practically passed out on the cot after hours of trying to sleep.

The mans voice followed me into my dreams, just repeating his words over and over again, but with no answer to my earlier question.

"Don't trust him."

******************

When I awoke, I could barely tell if what I remembered of the night before was real or not.

It could've just been a dream...That would make more sense, I suppose.

Nothing seemed out of the ordinary, and so far, the day was going by like any other day would.

Yeah, it had to be a dream...

I sighed and rubbed my eyes. Ahsoka had already left, and I knew I would need to go soon as well.

'The mission.' I told myself. 'Just focus on the mission, not the weird voice.'

Soon enough, I headed to meet Obi-Wan, Anakin, Ahsoka, and Rex in the hanger to get on our transport that would take us to the surface of the planet.

The transport is where we are now, waiting for the signal to jump out of the ship and onto the ground below.

'I don't even know how I'm gonna make it passed this jump.' I sighed quietly but miserably.

Obi-Wan put his hand on my shoulder, a habit he has that I've already gotten used to, drawing me out of my thoughts.

"Stay with Captain Rex, Fae." He ordered me gently. "It'll be easier for you to make the jump with him and follow him through the forest than to follow one of us." He nodded his head over to Anakin and Ahsoka who looked to be in the midst of a playful argument.

"Okay." I answered simply. "I'll stay with him the best I can."

"She won't leave my sight, sir." Rex declared, stepping up behind me.

"Good, we might have been invited by the Rebels, but there is still Separatist control here, and their pawns rule the planet as of now. We must be careful." Obi-Wan advised, looking at us both.

"We're coming up on the drop point!" The clone pilot called out over the comm system. "Prepare to jump!"

The doors of the ship opened and immediately a strong, cold breeze flew in, making me shiver.

The three jedi traveled closer to the doors, putting the hoods from their jedi robes over their heads, and awaited the for final signal to come. Rex went and stood behind them, motioning me to do the same.

"We jump after them!" He yelled at me, grabbing my hand, "We'll jump together, I have a jetpack that will help us land, just grab hold of me and don't let go till we've landed. Just try not to scream, got it?"

"Got it!" I yelled back, quickly putting up the hood of the robe Ahsoka had given me.

"You're clear to jump, sirs!" The pilot yelled back, giving us the go-ahead.

We all jumped out, and, as hard as it was, I didn't scream.

It felt like my stomach dropped and flew to my throat all at the same time.

Rex activated his jetpack after a short moment that felt like eternity, and grabbed me under my arms to make sure I had a soft landing and didn't plummet to my death.

We landed without a problem, the others using the force to guide them down.

The transport flew away as I caught my breath, Rex patting me on the back in a silent 'Good job.'

We all glanced at each other after the ship disappeared, then began to move in different directions, Ahsoka and Obi-Wan taking to the trees, Anakin, Rex and I stayed on the ground.

I followed closely behind Rex, copying his every move.

It was quiet, except for the plants moving in the wind, and some of the wildlife bustling around, going about their business without paying much mind to us.

We kept creeping around, being cautious of our surroundings and looking for someone. Obi-Wan didn't exactly tell me who or how we'd find them...

We came upon a small clearing after we walked around for a bit, and were making our way through it when a person, riding on some kind of creature, came into our path.

"Stay where you are." A female voice ordered, stern and threatening.

More creatures came out from the forest, surrounding us. I found myself inching closer to Rex, who's hand was hovering his blaster.

"Identify yourself." The woman demanded, eyes narrowed.

Anakin, who was infront of Rex and I, removed his hood, and held his hands up.

"Its alright," He started. "We're friends."

With those words, Obi-Wan and Ahoska jumped down from the trees and also removed their hoods.

"Jedi." The woman awed, shoulders relaxing and eyes widening.

"I'm Commander Tano," Ahoska spoke up, "We're here to help you take back the planet."

"My name is Steela." The mystery woman introduced, "I'll guide you to our secret base."

Without another word, she turned her creature around and began to walk away. The people who were around us did the same, and we soon followed.

"So thats it?" I whispered to Rex, "We just follow them? How do we know they're not lying and leading us into a trap?"

Rex chuckled quietly. "You're smart, that easily could happen. But the Generals and the Commander have already spoken to some of the Rebels, I assume this is one of them. But even if she isn't, they have the force, remember? The trust that with their lives."

"Yeah, I guess, its just weird how they're so trusting." I muttered, looking at the main lady ahead of us.

"You'll get used to their weird jedi ways, kid. For now, just watch and follow their lead." Rex turned to the front again, stikk on guard, but not because of the supposed rebels around us.

I found it funny that everyone was telling me to trust this and that, but the force told me not to.

The only problem was, I had no idea who the 'He' was that I wasn't supposed to trust...

And I had a feeling I wouldn't until it was too late...

***************

The sun had risen by the time we reached their base. We had been walking all night, my feet were sore, and all I wanted to do was sit down.

We came upon a tall arch that seems to be the entrance to the camp. A bird-like creature flew and perched itself at the top, its rider looking down at us, observing.

We walked into the camp, and all the 'soldiers' there ceased their conversations and turned their focus on us, Steela still leading us.

"Hmm," Obi-Wan hummed, "A bit rough around the edges, wouldn't you say?"

"Thats why I brought Rex here." Anakin agreed, looking around.

"They're not exactly what I would call shinies, Sir." Rex joined the conversation. "But, I could work with them."

A loud screech came from over our shoulders, and the large bird creature swooped down, landing infront of us, the rider climbing off after it touched down.

"General Skywalker." The man greeted, walking to us.

"At your service." Anakin responded, "This is General Kenobi, Commander Tano, and Captain Rex." He gestured to each of them.

Rex cleared his throat a little, causing Anakin to look back at him. Rex just gave a little nod towards me, reminding Anakin that I was here.

"Oh, and, uh, Padawan Miller." Anakin finished awkwardly.

The man ignored the awkwardnes, not even sparing me a glance. "We're looking forward to taking the fight to the scrapping droids."

"All in good time." Obi-Wan spoke, nodding slowly as he observed.

"Saw." The man introduced himself finally. "Saw Gerrera."

The name sounded extremely familiar, but nothing came to mind. Just the usual headache when I tried to remember things now.

"He fashions himself as our leader, though no one elected him." Steela joked, punching Saw in the arm.

"Well, for now," Anakin began, "We're in charge. And there is much to learn."

"We should get started." Obi-Wan decided, "Gather up your men."

Saw nodded at Steella, telling her to do as Obi-Wan said. She looked a little annoyed, but listened anyway and walked off.

Saw showed us to another area, where we waited for Steela to round up everyone for the meeting.

We sat down, and small talk soon began, but unfortunately, I had the pleasure to speak with the leader.

"So, who are you?" Saw asked, already sounding judgemental.

'Oh, him and I are not going to get along.'

"Oh, no one important." I shrugged and looked away, which was about as polite as I could be at the moment.

"If you're no one important then why are you here? We don't have time to babysit." Saw accused, jabbing his finger in my direction.

"The Council decided it would be good for Fae to join us on our mission," Obi-Wan came to my rescue before I even had a chance to speak. "We believe she may be of some use. And she has enough...experience that she will not get in the way of things."

Saw narrowed his eyes and studied me, still judging me.

I fought the urge to roll my eyes and sent him a childish smile. "Problem, Sir?"

Saw merely scoffed and walked away. "Just don't slow us down."

"I'd be surprised if you could keep up, old man." I muttered, earning a fierce glare from Obi-Wan.

"Alright, I've gathered everyone." Steela came in, breaking the tension building in the room before I could get yelled at.

The meeting went on without a hitch, the three older jedi discussing the plan with the others.

I didn't speak. I just sat in the back, watching and listening.

Despite what Crosshair had said, I did observe. You could learn a lot from just watching.

It wasn't until after the meeting was over that I was finally approached by Rex.

"We're gonna start training the Rebels now." He started, "I think you should come watch, you could learn a thing or two."

"Sure. Lead the way." I answered, standing up to follow.

The air was hot. Too hot. These Rebels would have to be careful not to overwork themselves, or else they'll have a new problem called heat exhaustion.

We gathered around a broken tank and started the lesson. Rex began instructing the Rebels on what to do, and demonstrated it by jumping onto the tank and throwing a grenade in both the hatches, before jumping down.

He did it flawlessly, to no ones surprise.

The next group, Saw and a guy named Lux, not so much.

They fought with each other when they should have been focused on the task. There was obviously some sort of feud between them and it just caused a disaster when it came to the challenge Rex presented.

I rolled my eyes as harsh words were exchanged between the two as they walked off to the side.

After staying a few words and commanding the next group to go, Rex turned towards me, "What did they do wrong?" He asked.

I didn't have to think about my answer for very long, "They don't know how to work together. They're so focused on beating the other person that they forgot the real mission and over shot their abilities."

Rex smirked, "Good job. You've got quite an eye."

"I'm just observant. I know how to look for weaknesses."

Rex just hummed and turned back to the Rebels, shouting more commands.

Every group went up and did the task, some failing, but not nearly as bad as Lux and Saw.

I watched the whole time, making mental notes as I observed on what to do, and what to avoid.

All in all, while the Rebels definitely had their strengths, they had a lot of weaknesses to go along with it.

It's gonna take a lot to get these guys in shape for a real battle, that much is sure.

Let's just hope the war holds off long enough so they actually stand a chance.

#star wars #the clone wars #writing #wish come true #the clones

3 notes · View notes

soildmud · 6 months

Text

anyways so i want to draw my tadc oc but i’m currently semi-paralysed by some back pains so all i can do is rot in bed and be on my phone so i will simply just ramble about them

so basically my idea for the oc (her name is kelpie. like the mythical creature? yes.) is that she’s a barbie-like doll, and essentially is the dumb blond trope (but she’s not blond!!!! she’s different i swear!!!!). well kind of? she just talks like one but she is smart, and doesn’t like to think about anything distressing. whenever a bad topic comes up, she always has an excuse to leave, like changing outfits cus now it’s 2 o’clock or something, y’know??

she has seen the exit doors plenty of times and has even gone through them and may have possibly seen something, but she pushed it so far back in her mind she doesn’t remember it. before she popped into the circus, she was a gallery curator. she took pride in showing artworks she acquired over the years and educating patrons on the stories and meanings behind each piece. kelpie doesn’t remember any of this, unfortunately.

kelpie’s new form is a representation of loss, specifically the loss of a childhood. as a kid, kelpie was forced to grow up too fast, and never enjoyed the luxury of playing dolls and dress up or pretend. in her new form, however, she can do all of that forever!!!!

kelpie is basically a projection of myself into a shallow character with not much going on currently. (backstory is in the works) also she’s just a self-insert with flavour text LMAOOOO (also an excuse to draw ragatha smooches) (i love u ragatha) (i🩵ragatha) (#1 ragatha fan)

kelpie’s “gimmick” is that she’s like literally a barbie doll so her room looks like the dreamhouse and oftentimes she has a bit where she does a dress up montage for literally no fucking reason and everyone is just standing around like [why does she keep changing???? we’re trying to run away and she’s changing outfits?????]

also all her food is just plastic toys (this is inspired by a bit from legends of avantris’ very own derek hudson) (luv u derek) (my fav) and all her appliances are just cardboard cutouts or painted images on her wall. how does she pull out that plastic merlot??? who knows!!!!!!!!

anyways that’s my soapbox for now, i’ll probably draw her later when i’m not frozen in place with pain 🩵

#mud mumbles #tadc #tadc oc #the amazing digital circus

5 notes · View notes

too-many-rooks · 1 year

Text

Tag people you want to get to know better

Thanks @strangesoulmates for tagging me!

Three ships (As I’m writing this out I’m realising they all have pretty similar themes, I guess I have somewhat consistent taste, this is all just reminders of humanity, enemies to lovers, trying to kill each other and excuses to cover my blorbos in blood.)

1.) Alex/Yassen

Can I be controversial and admit this one took a lot of convincing? Originally I was expecting the fandom to be more into ‘unlikely parental figure’ Yassen (which is a trope I’m an absolute sucker for.) but any way these two characters interact is interesting to me, and I’ve definitely come round to it from a perspective of this is only ‘healthy’ because it’s them and no one else can really understand them like the other can, and if it’s not ‘healthy’ it’s all dubious and quite fun. Big sucker for the (sort of one sided?) enemies to lovers, borderline obsession, as character foils of each other, with Yassen kind of representing Alex’s future and the dichotomy of like... sunshine puppy and murder kitty vibes. Then there’s the loyalty to each other before their ‘side’, different worlds and different morals but a unique understanding of each other.

(Also worth mentioning that I like Yassen with basically any Rider - I don’t see John/Yassen as anything but unhealthy hero worship/daddy issues/manipulation but that itself is still interesting, and I’m a huge sucker for Ian/Yassen, either as like an old married couple or people who have a few brief, but very intense encounters throughout their lives. I feel like there’s been a bit of a ‘Yiannaissance’ recently that I’m really enjoying. Do we have an official ship name? Yian? Iassen? Neither seem great.)

2.) Jonathon Reid/Geoffrey McCullum.

Peak different sides, enemies to lovers, vampire hunter and powerful newborn vampire in 1918 London in the grip of a pandemic, great gothic industrial vibe. I played this game obsessively during lockdown. (Can’t imagine why.) Themes of duty and purpose and humanity and horror, the game sort of rushes you into a forced romance with one of the female characters but the chemistry between these two is insane they are kind of obsessed with each other and the fight that happens when one of them tries to kill the other is just TEEMING with homoeroticism.

3.) Villanelle/Eve Polastri

First two seasons of Killing Eve are some of the best television ever created. The theatricality of the murders, and the comedy contrasted with some just devastating moments, the OUTFITS. That ending really took the wind out of my sails with this one and kind of spoiled it for me but what was there with the themes of mutual obsession, both trying to kill each other, Villanelle drawing out this dark side of Eve that has always been there, Eve drawing out this humanity that also been in Villanelle, just the whole vibe of being the only people in the world who could possibly understand the other properly and hating that so much you try and kill each other before realising they can’t be apart.

First Ship - I think the first one I really went insane for was Morrigan/Warden from DA:O. Morrigan helped me realise I was a lesbian I was so in love with her. Still am tbh.

Last song - ‘King’ by Florence + the Machine, I went to her concert this week and she ran right past me it was amazing.

Last Movie - finally got round to watching Everything Everywhere All at Once, so incredible!

Currently reading - chapter 3 of ‘The Viking Diaspora’ by Judith Jesch for my seminar tomorrow. (I really want to read more novels this year!)

Currently watching - His Dark Materials, interspersed with weird niche YouTube video essays, and mildly embarrassing amounts of Bluey.

Currently consuming: last thing I ate was some cinnamon raisin bread with one of the fancy jams I got in the jam advent calendar I bought myself. Now I need to figure out where I can find pineapple and yuzu jam bc I want to eat it forever.

Currently craving: supermarket bakery chocolate chip cookies, and some sweet and spicy fried chicken.

Tagging @countessrivers and whoever else fancies!

#ask game

7 notes · View notes

fantasies-fairytales-n-fics · 1 year

Text

Code Blue Ch. 17- Safe Haven

Summary: Josie awakens to a sweet text. She later receives good news and another sign. A fairytale ensues. Jo and Lee share a warm embrace and a wish. Unexpected company arrive, adding to the day's gloom. Jo stands by her man which enamors him. Lee shares some childhood memories with her. The two deeply connect until forces of nature intervene, only bringing them closer together.

*Warnings* Angst, language, mentions of drug/alcohol use and terms, funeral mentions, grief and guilt,

Stories Stories Stories Masterlist

Chapter characters: Lee, Josie, Gordon, Donna

Salem, Massachusetts

February 26, 2023

8 am.

You stretched and yawned with a frown as your phone's beep woke you up from a rather sleepless night due to all of your anxiety. An exuberating smile formed on your face though as you read the text from Lee...and the butterflies started in again.

"Good morning beautiful girl. Thank you for coming to my dad's showing last night. It meant everything to me. I cannot wait to see you today."

To know you were the first thing on his mind when he woke up and that he was anticipating your presence was the most blissful feeling.

"Heyyy there sweet guy. Are you doing alright this morning? I know how hard this day is for you."

"I will be just fine once I have you in my sight. You make everything better....like a whole pint of ice cream."

"Lol. Now I want ice cream."

"What's your favorite kind?"

"Definitely black cherry."

"You and this cherry thing. I like it. I still remember the taste of your cherry chap stick. Hey sweetheart, I gotta go pick up my suit. Come on over any time you like...can't wait to see you ice princess."

You were thankful Lee couldn't see how red you just turned from the embarrassment of how he had easily figured out you basically kissed him in your attempted CPR when you found him unconscious from his attic fall, thinking he wasn't breathing....but when you had realized he was, you had still kept your lips adjoined to his because his mouth was the most succulent thing you'd ever felt.

"Ice princess? lol, that's a new one."

"Well that's what you are. Watching you on the ice the other day was such royal vision."

"Certainly better than the vision of me falling on my ass in your yard."

"Oh, no. That was even better. 😊🤪"

"Ha...ha. Well, then I'm going to take you skating with me and see how you do on that!"

"I'll tell you right now, my feet are better when they're flat on unslick surfaces. We'll both end up at the hospital because I'll take you right down with me."

"What? You can't ice skate?"

"Or roller skate, or skateboard, rollerblade, ski...anything that moves beneath my feet is a disaster waiting to strike...except for my car."

"Well, I will gladly teach you. You could come to one of my classes. The girls would get a kick out of that lol."

"Oh I see how it is. Embarrass myself in front of a bunch of children that can do something a grown ass man can't...I'd be up for private lessons though. 😇"

"Hmm. That can be arranged. Hey don't feel bad. Ice is an excuse for casualties. I have no excuse for just walking! lmao."

"True dat! lol. Surely there must be something though that you don't know how to do, that I know how to do and could teach you....besides walking."

"Lol...There is actually, but it's embarrassing. Hey, you need to go, remember? lol."

"Ohhh now it's on, like freaking donkey kong. I won't forget about this and will get it out of you later. See you soon gorgeous."

"TTFN!"

"LOL"

Oh how that man made you smile...but you also felt sad because he was trying to act normal when he was about to bury his father.

Now you needed to find something black and conservative to wear because you certainly were not going to bling out like Jason requested of you for his funeral. You weren't going to know anyone there but Lee and didn't want to draw attention to yourself...well, besides Amy, Britt and Ethan, whom you just met...but you had no idea if Orlando was going to go. You certainly hoped he would, regardless of the tension between him and Lee because they were best friends and really needed each other right now more than ever. It really bothered you that you were the cause of their feud.

Just then, your phone rang and you immediately recognized the number. A call you had been waiting on.

"Hello?'

"Hey there, just Josie. It's Craig, your new landlord as of today. Your check cleared and you are good to move in whenever you'd like."

You giggled that he was till calling you just Josie.

"Oh gosh, that's great! Thank you for calling. It will probably be around the end of the week. A lot is going on right now."

"That's fine. Just stop at my studio where we met to get the keys and sign the lease. I'm usually here."

"Ok. Thank you again Mr. Parker."

'Ah ah. Just Craig remember?"

"Oh, that's right. Well thank you again just Craig." you replied with a chuckle.

"I've created a monster." he laughed. "See you soon. Have a good day just Josie."

"You too, Goodbye."

"YES YES!!!" you shouted in excitement after you hung up. Finally, your own place and to be free of Megan for the most part....and you were already daydreaming of having Lee come over....maybe he could even help you move in.

Well. What to do now? you thought, since you probably wouldn't head to Lee's until the afternoon....although you desperately wanted to go now because you were missing him something fierce. What the hell had he done to you? You swore on the holy bible that you would never let any man close to you again and here was Dr. love, crashing through your barriers like a wrecking ball. You had tried to fend him off in order to protect yourself, and even him, but here you were, being reeled back in, hook, line and sinker.

You decided to get up and do some packing to kill some time and turned on your music, only to be floored by yet another in your face sign.

"Noooo way..." you whispered as you stared at the stereo.

youtube

This should have made you happy, but instead, you dropped on your butt and began to cry. Why? You knew why. You were scared to death that this was all going to be too good to be true and as fast as that wrecking ball came in and wiped out all the bad, it was going to swing back and demolish all the good. You were at the point of no return, where your life would never be the same after Lee. There was no one like him, for he was merely something you always dreamed of, but believed could never exist....only in fairytales, like you wrote.

You got up and sat at your desk, opening your laptop to Facebook to see that Lee had sent you a friend request. You happily accepted it with an uncontrollable smile and then began to type in a post for the day.

"She dreamed improbable dreams, followed her heart and created her own little fairytale. Everything you look at can become a fairy tale and you can get a story from everything you touch. I made a wish upon a star, I turned around and there you were."

You then began to look through Lee's photos that you couldn't see before since his profile was private. You about shit when you saw a photo of his farm from an aerial view. He certainly was not exaggerating about the acreage and how easily it would be to get lost in the forest if you didn't know your way around it. It was a picture of pure heaven. A house, a barn and a pond all secured by nothing but trees. He was right. It was a place to escape the world. A place of magic.

Lee had quite a bit of nature photos. He certainly was a great photographer. Was there nothing this man could not do...besides ice skate? There was a multitude of pics from his farm, his lake house, his car and trucks, animals, and even some of himself, which blew you away at his many different looks, from short to long hair, beards to baby faced and you loved every single one of them. One that really made you swoon was him and a beautiful black dog laying on his lap.

You blushed as you wished it was you laying there, wanting to comment and say how jealous you were of that dog, but you refrained as to not embarrass him.

After about a half an hour of stalking his page, there was suddenly a notification. Upon clicking it, it was from Lee, commenting on your post. You leaned in to read his small paragraph of a reply.

"You're mad, completely bonkers, off your head. But I'll tell you a secret. All the best people are. You make me believe in fairytales.....but it's not a fairy tale if you lose your shoe at midnight, because that is probably something you would do just by merely walking...or you're just drunk. Either way, that shoe would fit no one else."

You didn't know whether to laugh or cry and ended up doing both. How was this man real? You replied with no jokes, but with all sincerity.

"I have been looking for you since I heard my first fairy tale."

"Took you long enough. Did you fall down a rabbit hole? Now, would you get over here already? You're late for a very important date."

You decided to text him with your answer instead so that your business wasn't put out there.

"Lol...well, I'm not ready, unless you don't mind me bringing my things and getting ready there? I can bring lunch if you're hungry?"

"Well there's my little mad hatter. Of course you can get ready here. I'm not all too hungry. Nerves I suppose. There will be a dinner party after the service. I'll try to eat then."

You felt so bad for him. He clearly needed you so you told him you were on your way and rushed to gather your things, but quickly texted Orlando to see if he was going to attend the funeral.

"Hey...just wanted to know if you are coming today. I really hope so....and I hope that you are ok. I haven't told Lee about what happened. Not yet anyways. Please, at least tell me you're alright. I'm worried about you...and I really mean that."

You got in your Monte Carlo and sat for a few minutes, waiting to see if he would reply.

"I'm fine." was all you got...but it was better than nothing.

Your phone then beeped, but it wasn't Orlando. It was Lee.

"Hey sweet girl, I forgot to tell you I'm at my lake house. Moving some of mine and Jacob's stuff in from the house. The door's open, you can just come on in....if that's ok with you, to come here after...well you know.."

"Of course it's fine. Let's just forget about all that. On my way. I'll be there shortly."

"Can't wait. Drive safe."

You pulled into the descending driveway about twenty minutes later. It was a gloomy, rainy like day, but wasn't it always when there was a funeral? As soon as you got out of the car, you could hear music blaring from inside the enormous two story lake house. You took a minute to admire the garden of mulit-colored roses on the opposite side of the driveway that looked very well pampered. It amazed you that they would thrive in February but the weather had been so spring like, including the incline of stormy weather, which was also threatening the current day.

You made your way inside the open garage door which led you through a basement and followed the sound of the music up a set of stairs.

There was a door open to a back room and you peeked inside as you smiled at the song he was playing. More Than a Woman by the Bee Gees.

youtube

You stood at the top of the three steps that led down into the room and watched him lightly singing while he was moving boxes around. When he sat a box down, the angle of his face revealed to you that he had shaved, making him appear ten years younger than his already ageless self. There was that babyface again that you so adored. For just a moment, you imagined it being your things that he was moving in, which is something you never would have thought of, yet here you were, envisioning a future with him.

After he sat the box down, he slowly turned to see you smiling at him as he had smelled your perfume. The look on his face was so melancholic and his gleaming eyes begged for you to hold him.

You reached your arms out to him with a frown.

"Come here."

He came to you and you both just gazed at each other, then he closed his eyes and melted into your arms, squeezing you so tight. You fit inside his grip like a glove as he buried his face into your neck.

You didn't know what to do for him except just hold him for awhile. The feeling was definitely mutual on how much you had missed him, for it was obvious in the way he held you, but even more so when he spoke into your ear.

"I missed you so much Jo." His voice sounded so defeated.

"Hey, it's alright. I am here now...and I missed you too."

You held each other in silence for a few moments. It felt so nice, so right, so safe.

"I can't swim." you mumbled in his ear.

He pulled back and gave you a raised brow. "What?"

"You wanted to know what it was that I can't do that you could...well I assume you can swim. I guess I shouldn't presume that about others considering I'm not the only one in the world without that skill."

"Yes, you're right. I know someone else who cannot....but hey, that's alright. I could always teach you sometime? When it's warmer, maybe here on the bay? Behind all these trees, there's a nice beach."

"Ohhh, I don't know. I would prefer to just...not. I really don't like the water. I feel like such a joke sometimes. I afraid of heights, afraid of small spaces, I'm afraid of the dark and storms...I'm surprised I haven't turned into one of those people that can't leave their house."

"Hey, you are not a joke young lady. We're all afraid of something."

"Well...what are you afraid of?"

"Losing you."

"Lee...I'm not going anywhe..."

The alarm on Lee's phone went off. He released you and grinned.

'Make a wish."

"What?" you asked with a clueless smile.

"It's 11:11. You're the one that got me hooked on that, remember?"

You did remember, very well. It had been your very first text conversation with him and you had told him how you believed in it. At that time, he was quite skeptical but still made a wish as you had also. Later, you found out that he had wished for you when he revealed that in a serious moment....the night you panicked over your feelings and had pushed him away.

"Annnnd...you set your alarm to that time?" you asked with a giggle.

"I did, so that twice a day, every day, I could wish for you."

Oh dear god, your heart fluttered, taking your breath away as you gaped at him in pure awe.

"But...I think your wish has already came true." you smirked.

"Can't be too careful. Nothing lasts forever. But I am hoping....no, I am wishing... that this will."

"Me too." you softly agreed, lost in his eyes.

You were highly superstitious, which you supposed you could consider another fear and now you silently panicked because you had both just revealed your wishes, which you believed you weren't supposed to do. Too many things had happened in your life that had led you to the point of being overly cautious.

The doorbell then rang. You cringed at the timing to your fearful thoughts.

When Lee opened the door, he did not look too enthused to see the dressed up dark haired man and redheaded woman standing there. She was dressed as if she were going to a fancy dinner party or something of the sort.

"Gordon, Donna? Why are you here?"

"Well, correct me if I'm wrong, but our father passed away, so I thought I would come to the funeral." The shorter and older man than Lee snidely said.

"The funeral isn't for hours yet so why are you at my house? I don't recall inviting you."

Now it was clear. This was the older brother Lee told you about, that he didn't get along with and his wife that he had compared to Megan.

"Did I need one to come visit my brother?"

"Yes, you did. I have company. You could have just spoken to me at the service, in which I didn't even expect you to got to since you're never around."

"Can we cut the bullshit for the time being and maybe you could let us come in? It's getting ready to storm."

You had a feeling that was going to be quite the metaphor soon enough since you were almost at the expert level of reading Lee like a book. His entire stance and demeanor was now cold and unsettling.

He reluctantly stepped aside and let them in, both gawking at you.

Lee hesitantly but politely introduced you.

"Josie, this is my brother Gordon and his wife Donna."

You instantly picked up on Lee calling you Josie instead of Jo. He didn't want them calling you that, for he knew you only liked certain people to do so, but you also knew he was being protective of you....and his privilege.

He turned to you and half smiled as he mouthed. "I'm sorry." and took off his overshirt and went to the kitchen, grabbing a bottle of wine and glasses. The elephant in the room was couldn't be missed, but Lee still attempted to be hospitable because that was him, a good man. You all sat down as Lee poured the dark red vintage, his glass with barely any in it, but first handed you yours.

"Here you are sweetheart." he said with a smile as he sat down beside you. "I'm sorry that it's warm."

Lee was also sorry that he was serving it to you, for it was a brand that he thought tasted like shit and purposely saved it to serve to people like Gordon and Donna.

"Sweetheart is it? So are you two like a...real thing? You usually have a different one every month."

Your mouth dropped open at Gordon's passive aggressive remark. Lee sat with his arms crossed over his chest, his mouth also now open in disbelief as he stared at his brother, and then at Donna who remained silent and sipped her wine.

"How would you know anything about my life when you're too wrapped up in your own perfect little world? I'm not that person anymore and there was no reason to make that disrespectful comment to or about me, or in front of her." Lee bluntly stated.

"How was that disrespectful? I simply asked an honest question. No need to be hasty because I have a good life and yours is in shambles....still. I'm sure your new girlfriend of the month will soon figure that out."

"Excuse me??" you blurted out. "First of all, the new girlfriend is sitting right here and not going anywhere because I actually care about Lee and second, you don't know me and I certainly do not know you but from the few harrowing moments of meeting you, we can definitely cut the bullshit because I can easily see that you don't seem to even know your own brother, nor respect him."

Lee's widened eyes slowly glided to you in shock of your defense of him....and to the fact you called yourself his girlfriend, not to mention your feisty spirit that turned him on to no end. He was also reveling in how you flatly called out a complete stranger and owned every word of it.

"I like you. This one's a keeper Lee. Just don't fuck it up and maybe you can have something good like Donna and I do." Gordon patronized. Lee grinned and shook his head, knowing that what you and he had would never be anything like their twisted relationship. Donna merely smiled, watched and listened. You could tell she was enjoying the drama. A spitting image of Megan indeed.

Thunder began and the lights flickered, causing you to gasp. Lee immediately reached his hand over to yours.

"Hey, it's alright. I'm right here." he softly said as he laced his fingers into yours. It was unexplainable how you promptly felt relief at his touch, like nothing could hurt you. He was seemingly the cure to all of your fears.

"How did you even know I was here?" Lee asked with sarcasm.

"Well, that would be because we went to your old house and the family farm, so I figured a third times a charm. Look at that, I'm a poet and I don't know it."

"Technically, you do know it if you just said you're a poet and next time, if there even has to be a next time, call before you just show up." Lee snarked.

"Oh little brother, it seems you are in need of some fun. I have some if you want hooked up. Maybe it can pull that stick out of your ass and help you lighten up a bit."

Lee knew exactly what fun he was referring to. In fact, Gordon was the entire reason he had ever used any drugs in the first place, besides alcohol. Gordon was a huge cokehead but wasn't limited to the white lightning.

"I think it's time for you to go. Right now. Or I can take that stick out of my ass and beat you with it." Lee nonchalantly stated.

The looks on their faces, right along with yours was priceless.

You were so proud of him for declining the drugs and for threatening to open a can of whoop ass on his brother....and you would have cheered him on while he did it. It was obvious to you that Gordon had came there to intentionally antagonize Lee all over the farm dispute....and what Gordon said next, proved it.

Gordon and Donna stood up and put their coats back on.

"We will see you later then at the funeral home. Just know one thing. Enjoy the farm while you can. I am going to get back what was rightfully mine."

"Have at it." Lee barked as he slammed the door shut behind them.

Lee roughed his hand down his face and went to the kitchen, grabbing a glass and filling it with ice water, then chugged it down to get the nasty aftertaste from the one sip of wine out of his mouth. He then stood at the kitchen sink and stared out the window. You followed him in and stood behind him, wrapping your arms around his stomach and laying your face against his back. He smiled and cupped his hands over yours.

"You ok?" you squeaked with a frown on your saddened face.

"I am. You know Jo, you're a light in my darkened world. What you just did in there....I...I just have no words for. It means a lot."

If he only knew how you handled Elizabeth, he'd be even happier, but you weren't going to ruin any more of this day for him because that meant you would have to tell him why the encounter happened in the first place. It could wait.

"Well, that jerk deserved it. I mean, how dare he come into your home and speak to you that way, or even at all. Burns my ass. Now I see why you two are at odds. He's despicable."

"My sediments exactly. There was a time when he was actually an ok guy and we got along. It was many years ago and we were both different people then. My bad boy days I suppose one would call it. Having Jacob changed me though...and then Donna changed Gordon. She's trouble."

"Yeah, I caught on to that right away with her quiet act. Those are the dangerous type since I know one very well."

It thundered again as if the weather agreed with your words. It rumbled through the floor, startling you into burrowing your face between his shoulder blades as you squeezed him tight. Lee lifted his arm and turned, wrapping it around your shoulders and pulled you against his chest.

"It's alright. I've got you. Hey, let me show you something."

He put his index finger against the window, pointing to something.

"There. Do you see that island of trees across the bay in the far distance?"

You looked out the window and could see the stormy sky and lake peeking over the top of the boat house which you hadn't been able to view from the driveway as the entire desolate lake house was surrounded by trees.

"The one to the right behind the weather pole?"

"Yeah...I like to go there on my boat or canoe and camp. It's another one of my safe havens. It's uninhabited. Just a huge forest. Do you like camping?"

"I do, although I haven't went in years."

"Would you like to go with me sometime? I mean, that's if you're ok with being on a boat. I have life jackets, and well, I would sit right beside you. I would never let anything happen to you Jo."

"I know you wouldn't. Yeah, of course. I would love to go with you. This place is so beautiful Lee. I'd love to see the rest of it."

"Then so you shall. Come with me my lady." he grinned and extended his hand out to you.

You took his hand and he led you back to the room you had been in and out the french doors that had an enormous wooden deck attached to the back of the house which also wrapped around to the top of the garage. That side had a large hot tub that looked like a small swimming pool and at the end was a slide that dropped off into the inlet of the lake, something you knew you were certainly never going to use. The other side at the back of the house was furnished like an entire living room and had stairs leading down to a giant yard with a fire pit and a trail behind it that led through the trees out to the beach area Lee had told you about. This place alone could be considered a safe haven, you thought. If it were yours, you would never leave it.

For the next three hours, you and Lee sat next to each other on the sheltered deck talking and eating pb & j sandwiches that he made while it rained and thundered, which didn't even bother you now. Everything was so peaceful and perfect....but then it was time to get ready for his father's service.

Lee led you upstairs to a guest room for you to get ready and he went down the hall to his bedroom to do the same.

Lee began dressing and stood in front of a mirror tying his red tie.

He had it all planned out what he was going to wear, but once he was finished, he stared at himself and began to feel uncomfortable as he knew his father would also be wearing a red tie. He felt like he couldn't breathe and he hated the white shirt, so he ripped them both off in frustration and chose a black button down shirt, leaving it open at the neckline so he wouldn't feel suffocated. Grabbing his black jacket, he then headed downstairs to wait for you.

Lee went to the kitchen and downed a double shot of whiskey as his nerves were getting the best of him. How he had dreaded this day and now it was here, only moments before he would see his dad lying in a casket. He stood looking down at his shoes which triggered a memory of him and his dad when Lee was as old as Jacob when he died.

Shoes. His dad had so many and Lee remembered being fascinated with them.

He then remembered that same day, how they sat on the floor talking about trains and he would show him how the sounded the horn.

And then another memory of when Lee was older popped in his mind of his father dancing in circles, and Lee would do the same.

Finally, one last memory flashed at him. His dad buckling his seatbelt and that hit Lee hard.

You came down the stairs and into the kitchen to find Lee lost in thought with tear filled eyes.

"Hey...talk to me. We still have some time before we have to go."

Lee put on a fake smile as his fingertips grazed your cheek.

"You look really beautiful Jo.....I...I was just reminiscing I suppose, remembering some moments with my dad when I was a kid." he explained as his smile then became real.

"Would it help if you talked about them? I'd be really glad to hear stories about your dad."

"I was just thinking about how I loved my dad's shoes so much. He had so many. He would line them up and I would take turns putting each pair on and walking around in them, feeling like a grown up just like him. I remember my feet being so small that I could barely keep the shoes on. He stood and watched me the entire time with a smile on his face. There was one pair though that was my favorite. Black shiny loafers. I am wearing them now. Ironic isn't it, that my feet now fit perfectly inside of them? He never got bored with the daily routine of entertaining me after his long day at work. He always loved trains like I told you about and that he had bought that train set for Jacob that I have set up. When I was Jacob's age, about 5, I remember him showing me how to blow the horn by putting my hand up and pulling down over and over. I used to imitate everything he did. I loved him and wanted to be just like him."

"And you are. You became a doctor just like he was."

"I'm not really like him Jo. He always buckled my seatbelt...always. Never once did he forget. But I...I didn't make sure Jacob's was. I trusted his mother to do it...I should have checked Jo. My dad was a good and responsible dad...but not me."

Lee almost broke down and all you could do was take him into your arms and just hold him.

"Sweet guy, you were a very good father to that precious little boy because you loved him. You trusted his mother to do what she was supposed to do. That is not your fault. I wish you would believe that....and you were a good son too, your dad told you that. You took care of him just like he did you... I wish I could take all of this guilt and pain away." you compassionately told him into his ear as your heart broke. You couldn't handle it, seeing him suffer. You were never going to let anyone hurt him again, at least you would do your damnedest to prevent it.

"You take a lot of it away Jo, just by being here with me. You're my saving grace Jo. I truly feel that if I had never met you, I wouldn't be standing here right now." he replied right back into your ear.

You glided your cheek across his and stopped to slowly turn and hold a kiss upon it as you held his other cheek in your hand. As you released your lips from his smooth supple skin, he turned his face to you, his mouth just inches from yours. The scent of his warm minty breath flowed up your nose as he whispered your name. "Jo..."

You stood frozen, your lips trembling and slightly parted as his carefully neared yours. Was this moment finally going to happen? Were you finally going to feel him return the kiss you secretly gave him a month ago?

Of course not. Lightning flashed through the room and loud bang of thunder followed... and then the lights went out. You screamed and jumped against him so hard, almost knocking you both over.

"Hey, hey, hey shhhh...it's ok, it's ok baby. You're safe with me." he lovingly assured you as he held you snug in his strong arms. You huffed and puffed into his chest with your eyes crunched shut, listening to his pounding heart. "I have a generator...but let's just get out of here alright? I'll drive, my car is in the garage."

You nodded as he softly kissed your head. Lee kept his arm around you, leading you down the dark basement steps and helping you into his car.

"Here, scoot over here." he smiled and patted the open space between you both. You didn't even hesitate and swiftly slid up against him.

He glanced down into your eyes and you saw something in his that you could only simply describe as happiness.

"Girlfriend huh?" he said with silly smirk.

You lightly gasped in embarrassment, forgetting that you had blurted that out to Gordon without it ever being officially affirmed.

The corner of Lee's mouth raised into a grin and then he proudly drove off with you protectively under his wing. You felt sheltered and secure for once in your life and you finally knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that Lee was your safe haven...and you were his.

youtube

#lee pace #leeepfrog #code blue #dark stories #doctors #gordon clark #donna clark #scoot mcnairy #kerry bishé #lee pace fanfiction #lee pace fluff #fluff #love stories

3 notes · View notes