#this was was sent on sunday or monday i think. just for the context

[holllandtrash]

6 to 1 | lando norris (part 7)

pairing: lando norris x leclerc!reader part 7 in the 6 to 1 series (read part 1 here)

the lead up to the silverstone race is treacherous, painful and downright confusing, and you're not referring to the weather. you find yourself being pulled in different directions and just when you think you've figured it out, your path leads you right back to where you started in the first place

word count: 6.9k tags/warnings: just a lot of angst im sorry

Usually, when you attended the races, you were there all weekend. From Friday morning till the end of the podium ceremony on Sunday. But for Silverstone, you were dreading walking into that track and seeing Charles so you pushed back your travel plans and decided to only go for the race.

Lando ordered a car for you to take to the hotel Saturday night, something that he really didn’t have to do but he insisted on it and you were starting to figure out which battles to pick with him. This was not one of them. 

He had to be at the hotel with his team Wednesday night, so you really didn’t get to spend too much time with him after the shoot with Quadrant. 

Which, honestly, you were okay with. You needed to pack as you were heading straight back to Monaco the following Monday with Charles and Arthur. You weren’t looking forward to that plane ride. If you were lucky, Charles would have a good weekend and he wouldn’t bring up Lando.

But the second the car pulled up to the hotel, a few drops of rain hit the windshield. The driver made a comment about how conditions would only get worse for tomorrow and you so desperately wanted to ignore the possibility of a wet race, however that seemed to be what everyone was talking about in the lobby.

You picked up your room key and texted both Lando and Charles that you arrived. Lando texted you back immediately saying he was in a briefing with his team but that he’d stop by your room after and Charles, without any context, sent you '1125'. His room number.

You dropped your luggage off, but didn’t give yourself any time to settle in before heading up the few levels to floor 11. Charles didn’t have to say anything other than his room number, you got the hint. He needed to talk to you. 

The door swung open as soon as you knocked. 

“Look I don’t want to fight,” you started off, already sounding defensive as you followed Charles into the hotel room. 

“I don’t want to fight either,” Charles agreed with you, opening up the mini fridge to pull out a bottle of water. “I just want to know what’s going on in your head, Y/N. What are you doing getting involved with a driver?”

“Lando’s just a friend,” but even you didn’t believe your own words. 

Charles gave you a look, one that told you he saw right through your bullshit and you pulled your fingers through your hair, needing a way out of this that didn’t paint you or Lando as the bad guy. 

“Okay fine,” you shrugged helplessly. “I like him, I think. Is that what you want me to say? It’s not as though I’m dating him and even if I was, what’s the big deal?”

You probably didn’t need to add that last question. It was just an open invitation for Charles to tell you everything that was weighing heavy on his mind.

“This is a dangerous sport, Y/N, but this is what all of us drivers have signed up for.” Charles started off with what you already knew before hitting you where it would hurt. “We know the risks when we get in the cars, but we don’t have to think about anything besides what’s on the track…” his pause was deafening. “But if you started dating him, that’s an entirely new element that’s now being introduced to the race.”

You scoffed, “No it’s-”

Charles held up his hand. “Listen to me, Y/N. You would be on the back of my mind if I’m ever even near him on the track. And you’ll always be on his. He might stop pulling risky moves, knowing that if anything happened to him, it would destroy you and not only that, there would be no more racing between us because subconsciously, you’ll be in the cars with us, telling us not to fight, not to put our lives at even more risk.” 

He reasons for you not wanting to date a driver lined up with yours, but he was able to offer it from the perspective behind the wheel.

“It’s the same reason why I’m terrified for Arthur to ever move up to F1,” Charles further explained. “I would jeopardise my own race for him, for his safety. I would do anything to protect him and I would do anything to protect you. If you started dating Lando, then that need to look after you, automatically extends to him.”

You felt sick. You needed to lean against the wall behind you, feeling your legs grow numb. The worry in Charles’ eyes assured you that he was no longer upset or mad about you going behind his back to hang out with Lando, he was now concerned for what lay ahead. 

“I love you and I want you to be happy, I want nothing more than for you to find a partner to be happy with,” Charles rubbed his hand over his face as he shook his head. This was as painful for him to get out as it was for you to hear. “But selfishly, I don’t want you to put your happiness in another driver.”

There really wasn’t anything for you to say. Charles had every right to be selfish. This was his career, his life. You weren’t supposed to be any more intertwined in it than you already were. 

You pushed yourself off the wall, ignoring the sinking feeling in your stomach as you turned to walk towards the door. 

Charles tried to follow, “Y/N, I didn’t mean-”

You held up a hand towards him as you turned and forced a smile on your face. You really didn’t want to fight. You loved your brother, you wanted to respect what he was asking. He had given you so much. Because of him, you had dozens upon dozens of opportunities and met the most incredible people. 

You could give up this thing with Lando, whatever it was. And better you did it now before it became too hard to walk away.

“You should get some sleep” you told Charles, your voice almost caught in your throat. “I’ll, um, I’ll see you in the morning.”

You left his room without another word. The elevator ride back to your floor was slow, treacherous even as you thought about what sort of conversation you needed to have with Lando. 

You’d wait till after the race. It wouldn’t do anyone any favours to call this whole thing off right before his home race. The least you could do was wait until after to break his heart. 

But then the elevator opened and you saw the driver who had taken up all of your thoughts leaning against your hotel room door. He put his phone away when he looked up and spotted you. His smile broke you. For so long you wanted to be the reason for it and now you were going to be the cause of why it would disappear. 

“How was the drive?” Lando asked, stepping out of the way for you to unlock the door. “It’s starting to rain, hey? The team thinks it’ll be pretty bad for most of the race tomorrow but what’s Silverstone without a little-”

“Lando,” you cut him off promptly, turning the handle to push the door open. You met his eyes for a second before you had to look away, before he could catch on that something was wrong. “Look, I’m really tired, I just want to go to sleep, I’m sorry.”

“Oh,” Lando was a little taken aback, but he didn’t try to talk you into staying up. He reached forward and gave your hand a squeeze, “Okay, yeah, get some rest. I’ll see you tomorrow?”

All you wanted to do was pull him into your hotel room and spend the next few hours with him until he had to leave to go to bed. Even then, you’d probably be able to convince him to just spend the night with you. 

But you couldn’t do that. The most you could do was offer up a sliver of a smile before walking into the room and letting the door shut behind you. 

Suddenly, a wet race for tomorrow seemed like the least of your worries.

You arrived at Silverstone with Charles. He had tried to talk to you all morning and it wasn’t as though you were mad at him, you were just frustrated with the position he had put you in.

It didn’t help that the second you scanned your badge and stepped past the gates, you felt the first raindrop of the day hit your cheek. You looked up, and even with the dark shades on, it was impossible to miss the incoming storm clouds.

“Wet race today, hey?” 

You turned over your shoulder to see Pierre scanning his badge as well. The two of you hadn’t spoken at all since your conversation in Montreal. You asked yourself why you even stopped walking to wait for him, especially since Charles had gone off ahead to get out of the rain.

“Still giving me the cold shoulder?” Pierre asked as he approached you. The two of you started walking down the paddock, thankfully the Ferrari motorhome was close.

“Still telling everyone we slept together?” You retorted and Pierre dipped his head back and laughed.

“Chérie, I told like four, maybe five people,” Pierre tried to play it off, but when he saw you weren’t about to give him the time of day, he grabbed your hand and forced you to stop walking. “Come on, we’re friends. Don’t cut me off like this.”

“No, you and Charles are friends,” you hastily pulled your hand away from his grasp. “I’m just someone who got caught up in the moment.”

It blew your mind how cocky Pierre could be sometimes. It almost made you want to tell Charles what happened just because you knew it would cause a fight between them. Maybe Pierre would second guess his actions if he was getting yelled at by his best friend.

And that way, Charles would have something else on his mind besides you and Lando. If anything bad happened on the track, not like you want something to happen, he could blame it on finding out about Pierre and you. Surely learning that his closest friend and sister slept together was much worse than whatever this fling was that you currently had with Lando.

Speaking of Lando…

You hadn’t even seen him walk through the gates. Your frustration, and therefore your attention, was solely on Pierre. It wasn’t until the bright orange hoodie became impossible to ignore that you pulled your eyes away from the French driver.

Recently when you looked at Lando, you felt a swarm of butterflies attack your stomach. 

Those butterflies were still there, but it was as if they were now trying to claw their way out of your stomach, fighting each other and making you suffer the consequences. 

You didn’t want to end things. 

You wanted to meet him halfway as he approached you and collapse in his arms, who cares who saw? You wanted to kiss him without a time limit and wish him good luck today. You wanted to hang out in the fucking McLaren motorhome which is something you never thought you’d ever find yourself wishing for.

“Little gloomy today, huh?” Lando asked, sounding a lot chipper than how you or Pierre looked.

You glanced up, as did Pierre and you shrugged. The less you spoke now, the easier it would be to end things later.

“It’s not too bad yet,” Pierre pointed out.

“Oh I was talking about Y/N’s outfit,” Lando joked, nudging your arm with his elbow. “What’s with the all bla- are you okay?” Lando's smile dropped and his tone did a 180 the second he noticed you weren’t in the mood for one of his jokes. He glanced between you and Pierre and not so subtly raised an eyebrow.

“I didn’t do anything this time!” Pierre announced, hands held up beside his head in defence as he started to walk away. “Paddock Princess over here was in a bad mood before I said anything.”

You watched him head off for a second before your attention went back to Lando. You tried to dodge his hand when he reached for your sunglasses but he was too quick, pulling them right off your face. 

“You’ve been crying.” 

“You should get inside before it really starts to rain.”

“Look either we keep stating the obvious or we talk about what’s going on,” Lando demanded, not giving you any other option. There was no lighthearted tone any more, no more playful attitude like he usually had when he saw you in the Paddock. 

More people started to walk through the gates, people that were going to want Lando’s attention if he didn’t keep walking, you both knew this. 

“Can we not have this conversation right here?” You asked him, lowering your voice as you nervously glanced around. Ideally, you wouldn’t even be having this conversation. 

And in a strange twist of fate, you got what you wanted.

Lando could see right through you, he saw the hesitation just from your stance alone. The guilt in your eyes was clear even if they were slightly puffy and bloodshot. They way you refused to hold eye contact for more than a few seconds told him that something heavy weighed on your shoulders, something heavy enough to take out the both of you. 

And Lando didn’t want to have this conversation either.

He might not have known exactly what was on your mind, but he didn’t need to ask anything to know it wasn’t good. That and how quick you were to turn him away last night, it was all starting to add up. No words needed to be spoken.

He handed your sunglasses back to you and nodded slightly, like he was accepting the outcome of this, like he knew he couldn’t change your mind, so why bother trying? He walked right past you without saying anything, but that’s what you wanted right? 

No conversation was easier than laying it all out on the table. It was easier to accept the reality as it was than to hear yourself say the words ‘we can’t be together’. 

You slid the sunglasses back on your face and waited a few seconds before heading towards Ferrari, making sure to stay on the opposite side of the paddock. Neither one of you so much as glanced at the other. You heard his name being called before you walked up the bright red steps and the moment you entered the motorhome, you let out the heaviest exhale that had been pressing against your chest. 

Was it even reasonable for you to be reacting like this? You weren’t even dating.

But you were throwing away the possibility of something great, all because you knew you had to put Charles first. 

He was the first person you saw when you walked inside and gathered your bearings. He was in the middle of a conversation with his assistant when you grabbed his arm and pulled him away.

“I hope you’re happy,” you spoke through a bitter laugh. “Me and Lando are done.”

He seemed confused, but when his features softened after a moment, you could tell that he was in fact pleased to hear this news.

“Good,” Charles nodded. “You shouldn’t date a driver anyway.”

“No you shouldn’t have this much say over my life, Charles,” you rubbed your hands over your face, letting what was once sorrow turn to anger. “It’s not fucking fair.”

“It’s not fair?” He raised his voice as well, neither of you caring about the handful of people that were nearby. “I put my life at risk every weekend, the least you could do is not give me something else to think about when I get in the car!”

“You don’t have to think about anything other than the points, don't worry.” You assured him. The venomous tone was impossible to miss. “And good luck today. Hopefully my heartbreak doesn’t ruin your race for you.”

Charles groaned, rolling his eyes at how dramatic he thought you were being, “Y/N-”

“Oh, no, wait, you only give a shit about my feelings when I start caring about a driver other than you, right?” You patted his shoulder, a bit of force behind it as you sucked in a sharp breath. “Brother of the year, over here.”

You walked past him and he was smart by not trying to talk to you, instead choosing to go up to his drivers room. You sat down on the couch in the hospitality lounge, lips pursed together tightly as the sound of raindrops hitting the window behind you started to grow loud enough to drown out your own thoughts.

You would have loved nothing more than for the race to start, to stand in the back of the garage and flip Charles off before he slid his helmet on. You wanted to flirt with Carlos right in front of your brother before he was inevitably dragged away. You wanted to watch the race and cheer Lando on for a change. You wanted to do anything and everything that would purposely get under his skin.

But things never seemed to work out in your favour. 

It was announced the race was postponed due to the oncoming storm and you stayed right there on that couch, watching everyone else scurry around to figure out the new game plan for the day.

Charles' assistant tried talking to you at one point, but you just shook your head. She got the hint and turned right around.

You weren’t in the mood to talk to anyone in the motorhome, that was pretty obvious. If the all black outfit wasn’t enough to deter people away already, your constant crossed arms and the fact that you wore sunglasses inside sure had people second guessing whether or not they wanted to approach you during the wait.

A couple hours went by and you received a few curious looks, but the only person who didn’t give a single fuck that you were purposely trying to look reclusive, was Carlos. 

He dropped down on the couch beside you, arm stretched on the back of the couch behind your shoulders as he playfully twisted the end of your ponytail around his fingers.

You yanked your hair out of his hand, “What do you want, Carlos?”

“Why are you in a bad mood?” He was straight to the point, you liked that about your friendship. There wasn’t any bullshit.

“I’m not,” okay maybe there was a little bullshit.

“Okay,” Carlos nodded, going right back to playing with your hair, “Why is Charles in a bad mood?”

“I don't know, it’s not my problem.”

“I think it is, hermosa,” Carlos snickered, “I think you two are each other's problems.”

“Fine, you know what,” you turned on the couch to face him. Carlos was a bit taken aback to see you give in and talk so easily, “Charles’ problem is that he thinks my life affects his and my problem is that I care too much about what Charles thinks. Do you see how this is a bad cycle for us to be in?”

Carlos paused. You could tell by the way his jaw tensed he was trying to figure out what to say, but you were purposely vague and the more time that passed with you just staring at the Ferrari driver, the more it sank in for both of you that he probably couldn’t help you.

“Is this about Lando?” Carlos eventually asked. “And how about how you two have been getting close recently?”

You inhaled a sharp breath, “This is about me practically being forced to put Charles first.”

“As opposed to…”

“Putting myself first.”

Carlos raised his eyebrows. Everything you said was just adding to the confusion and you eventually just gave up trying to keep it bottled in.

You repeated what Charles had told you last night. You told Carlos about the added risks Charles had if you started dating a driver, you shared the concerns and how guilty you felt for wanting to see things through with Lando when you knew you owed it to Charles to call things off. You expressed that you were upset and angry and broken and confused at the same time, which shouldn't have been possible.

“He told me he didn’t want me to put my happiness in a driver,” you rested your elbow on the couch, cheek to palm as you tried to ignore the pain of Charles’ words for the second time in less than 12 hours.

Carlos didn’t say anything for a few seconds. And then those seconds turned into a minute. And then that minute turned into three and you had to hit his arm to get him to look at you, worried that he had been thinking too hard and accidentally zoned out.

“Carlos,” your eyebrows furrowed together, “Say something.”

He opened his mouth, only to close it once again. You rubbed your hand over your face, wondering why you decided an F1 driver would make a good therapist. 

“I just-” Carlos couldn’t get the words out. “I don’t get it, is all. When we get in the car, we know that nothing else matters except the race. Charles doesn’t have the right to pull you into the car with him, metaphorically of course. If he does that and messes up his race, that’s his own fault.”

You wished that was the case, but Charles didn’t see it like that. 

“Okay, let’s say you were dating a driver, Lando, for example” Carlos started off, dragging his fingers over his lower lip. “Charles is the one who needs to learn how to separate it. He needs to learn when it’s time to see Lando as the competition and when to see Lando as the person who makes you happy.” Carlos dropped his hand to your leg, “That isn’t on you. That’s on him.”

“But it’s just going to make his life difficult and I don’t want that for him.”

“Charles is a grown man I think he can figure it out,” Carlos’s assuring smile spread across his face. “Plus with the amount of gossip that goes on in the paddock, I don’t get why this, your happiness, is what he’s choosing to make you feel guilty for.”

You nodded in agreement before Carlos’ words actually hit you. 

“Wait,” you pointed a finger at him. “What gossip?”

Carlos instantly knew he messed up, “I didn’t-”

“What. Gossip.”

But his silence said it all. This fucking Pierre bullshit was coming back to haunt you again. You dropped your hands to your face and let out a muffled scream. There were a handful of people who were nearby who gave you a look of concern, but none of them mattered.

When you looked at Carlos again, his face had gone red. 

“So you know and Charles knows?” You asked. “About me and Pierre?”

“Well he doesn’t-” he shrugged. “Charles has an idea but he’s not going to ask you or Pierre about it. He can pretend it didn’t happen if you never confirm it.”

“But he knows,” you clarified. It wasn’t your fault that Charles just wouldn’t accept the reality of what happened. “He knows and yet somehow, that doesn’t affect him on the track? He can race Pierre like normal but the second I’m actually happy with someone, it’s game over?”

Again, Carlos didn’t know how to respond and this time, you weren’t sticking around and waiting for him to. You stood up from the couch and walked up the stairs of the motorhome, knowing your brother was in his driver's room. Carlos was hot on your heels, probably regretting having dug this past up because whether he liked it or not, he was now caught in the middle of it.

You didn’t even knock on Charles’ door, you just swung it open. Charles was sitting on the couch, scrolling through his phone, half dressed for the upcoming race. His fireproof long sleeve was on but his drivers’ suit was hanging around his hips. He looked up at you, confused as to why you just barged in.

You just blurted it out.

“J'ai baisé Pierre.” I fucked Pierre.

Charles’ mouth dropped.

You repeat yourself, in English this time. “I had sex with Pierre.”

He stood up, looking at Carlos behind you for help, but Carlos was just as stunned as he was.

Finally, you said it in Italian, just to get the message across loud and clear. “Ho dormito con il tuo migliore amico." I slept with your best friend.

Charles was speechless. He tried to sputter out the word ‘what’ but he had no voice. He just kept shaking his head, as if that would do anything.

“And-” you decided to keep going. Everything was already up in flames so why not keep feeding the fire, right?

You turned and grabbed Carlos’ shirt to pull him towards you. Before he had time to react, you pressed your lips to his. For a second, you did panic about not knowing whether or not he would even consent to this but when you felt Carlos start to kiss you back after a few seconds, presumably forgetting his teammate and your brother was standing right in front of you, you figured it was fine.

You pulled back and looked at Charles, “-I just kissed your teammate.”

“What the fuck-”

“I like Lando,” you harshly cut him off.

This was the first time you were saying it without the word maybe in front or i think following it. This was also the first time you didn’t feel any sort of hesitation. It was freeing.

“I like him. And I don’t know how strong these feelings are, I don’t know if they’ll last, all I know is that he makes me so stupidly happy, and selfishly-” you used his word against him. “-I want to hold onto that for as long as I can.”

You felt Carlos tap your shoulder and you held up a finger towards him, indicating that this was not the time to dissect that kiss. 

Charles looked ready to strangle you. And Carlos, but mostly you. “Y/N why are you saying this? Why did you just kiss him?” He gestured to his teammate. “What the fuck is going on? I race today and you think it’s smart to drop all of this on me?”

“Charles, you seem to think that what happens in my life affects yours, more specifically affects what you do on the track and I don’t think that’s the case.” You took a step forward, keeping your voice as calm and reasonable as possible as you said what you should have told him last night. 

“Really, it’s just what you choose to do with the information that you’re given and now you know everything. Now there’s three drivers on the track you might see differently as opposed to one and I know you. I know you’re a strong enough driver, and strong enough mentally, to not let any of this get to you. If you want your emotions to get in the way when you’re in the car, that’s on you. That’s not on me.”

There was definitely an easier way to go about this conversation. You didn’t have to walk in announcing you had sex with his best friend and kissing Carlos probably wasn’t needed, but it all furthered your point.

“My life is intertwined with yours. It has been since I decided to accompany you to all of these races and yes, I will be your biggest supporter but I will also live my own life at the same time,” slowly but surely you could see Charles' shoulders drop as he started to untense. “You can’t blame my feelings for Lando if you have a shitty race, okay? You can’t blame me.”

You started to back up and Carlos stepped out of the way for you.

“Where the hell are you going now?” Charles asked.

“To fix things,” you waved off his concern and practically ran down the stairs and out the front doors of Ferrari.

You were sprinting as you made your way down the paddock. The rain was coming down hard now and your eyes were set on the McLaren motorhome. 

You probably looked insane. Running down the puddle-filled paddock in platform boots without an umbrella but in all honesty, this was probably the best time for a grand gesture. Everyone who worked for the media was finding shelter right now, you were in the clear.

You walked up the steps but someone from the team who had been standing outside under the awning stopped you before you could reach for the door. 

“I’m sorry, Ms. Leclerc, you can’t just go in there, not without an invitation,” he told you, obviously recognising you as being Charles’ sister. It made sense. You were, by association, with Ferrari.

“I need to talk to Lando,” you wiped at your eyes, pushing the wet strands of hair out of your face. You felt around for your phone but came up empty handed, figuring you must have left it back on the couch in Ferrari. “Please, two seconds. That’s all I need. Tell him I need to talk to him.”

He held up a finger and opened the door to head inside. You waited for a second but your clothes were soaking, your hair was sticking to your face and neck. Your make up was ruined and the rain was freezing cold, so obviously you walked inside as well.

A hush fell over the motorhome when the door shut behind you. Mostly because you stood out like a sore thumb. Everyone was wearing orange, you were the only one dressed in all black and you were the only one who looked like they just jumped into a pool with all of their clothes on. 

You smiled awkwardly, shoulders tightening as you pressed your back to the door. You were wondering who was going to say something first, who was going to kick you out, and surprisingly the one who spoke up was Oscar.

“For christ sakes get her a towel or something,” Oscar called out, standing up from the table he sat at. You mouthed a quick thank you to him.

You and Oscar had never exchanged a single word before, maybe a smile here or there, but you were truly appreciative that he acknowledged you as someone who just needed to dry off right now, not as someone who was associated with Ferrari. 

Someone who worked with Hospitality crossed the floor with a few clean dish towels, telling you it was all she had at the moment. You thanked her and then looked up at Oscar who was also making his way to you. 

“Hi,” you breathed out, ringing out your hair. “I know I shouldn’t be here-”

“Oh I don’t mind at all,” Oscar laughed. “I take it you’re here for Lando?”

You didn’t nod. You actually didn’t say anything, your mouth just fell open and you forgot how to breathe when you realised that Lando had most likely told his teammate about you.

“I might be,” you reluctantly answered. “I might also be here because I heard that you guys have the best espresso machine.”

“Espresso is a piss poor reason to venture outside during a storm.”

You chuckled, nodding in agreement as you wiped the cloth under your eyes. The amount of makeup that had transferred to the towel was horrendous. You didn’t even want to know what you looked like right now. 

“Is he-” you glanced towards the staircase behind him. Why was it so hard for you to finish your sentences? Why was Lando clouding every one of your thoughts to the point that you couldn’t get more than a few words out? Why did he affect you so much?

At that moment, the security from earlier started to descend the stairs. Instinctively, you stood closer to Oscar, trying to make it seem as though he was the one who invited you in.

“He’s busy,” was all the McLaren employee said.

“Bullshit he’s busy,” you spat, coming across much harsher than you intended to. “The race is postponed, he’s not doing anything!”

“He told me to tell you he’s busy.”

You looked at Oscar, it was obvious he felt a little awkward standing in the middle of the conversation, but he wanted to help. What was good for his teammate was ultimately good for the team and Oscar so desperately hoped you weren’t here with malicious intent. 

“You can hang out in my driver's room,” he offered, his lips curving upwards into a smile. Oscar turned to the security, “She’s my guest too, it’s fine.”

This employee knew Oscar was lying through his teeth and all three of you knew Oscar’s room was right next to Lando’s. But because you were given the go-ahead from a McLaren driver himself, he couldn’t do anything to prevent you from walking up the stairs, boots squeaking against the floor the entire way. 

Glancing over your shoulder, you shot Oscar a thankful smile and he gave you a thumbs up. Part of you felt horrible for never giving him the time of day before. Subconsciously, you saw him as the driver who replaced Daniel and held a bit of a personal vendetta, but it was clear he had a good heart. 

You waited until the security guard looked away before sneaking around the corner to where Lando’s room was located. You read his name on the plaque a few times and thought about knocking, but if he knew you were outside the door he wouldn’t open it. 

So you turned the handle and pushed the door open. Lando wasn’t even in his racing suit, opting for a pair of joggers and a hoodie as he waited for the race start to be announced. He was leaning against the massage bed and looked up from his phone, barely even acknowledging you before turning right back to his phone.

“I don’t really feel up to chatting right now,” Lando muttered.

“Fine then just listen,” you walked in and shut the door behind you. 

Your heart was pounding and you would have liked to blame your trembling on the fact that you were just standing in the rain but you knew it was because you were finally about to be honest with Lando.

“I think I made a mistake,” you stated. Lando didn’t look up, choosing to disregard your words. You couldn’t blame him. You went from barely being able to look at him a few hours ago to dramatically confessing your feelings. “I didn’t want to admit it before, but Lando I really- I like you.”

“Yeah you like a lot of things,” Lando was unamused as he scratched the side of his face. “You like chocolate cheesecake, you like daisies, you like Daniel’s merch-” he inhaled a sharp breath, still keeping his eyes on his phone. “You like speaking French over Italian, you like supporting the underdogs, you like that you have a presence in the Paddock.” This was taking a turn, “You don’t like driving, you like when someone understands your humour, you like putting your family first even if it means putting yourself last, you love cooking, you have a weird obsession with shitty movies.”

 Finally he looked up.

“You like when people compliment you but you never know how to respond. You like being needed but you don’t like needing someone. You don’t like the unknown which is why a relationship scares you, regardless of who it's with. You like leading me on because you don’t care about the consequences afterwards and I fall for every word you say, every hypothetical you tease, because I think that maybe this time, it’ll be different, and do you want to know why I know all of this? Why I've put up with all of it?” 

This seemed like a rhetorical question but you responded meekly anyway, “Why?”

Lando paused. He pushed himself away from the bench and walked towards you slowly. His jaw tightened, there was no trace of a smile. Even if what he had to say was good in nature, it was only going to destroy you. 

“Because I like you,” he said, sounding so sure of himself and simultaneously like he wanted to take back those words the second he said them. “But I’m not about to waste my time at this halfway point with you. There’s a line here and I’m willing to cross it, to meet you so far past the middle it to make this work, but I don’t think you can say the same. So until you decide, fully and completely, what you want…stop stringing me along.”

Lando had never been so serious before.

Your entire friendship, relationship, whatever the fuck you wanted to call it, was playful and fun and he was the reason why your jaw hurt from laughing. He was the person who wanted to take care of you, to make you smile and now he was so close to giving up on all of that, all because you were going to put Charles first.

You genuinely couldn’t blame him. You had been back and forth for weeks. It may not have clicked until now, but you had been leading him on. He had done so much for you and practically overnight, you were nearly ready to forget all of it.

There was a knock on the door. Neither of you made the move to answer it, instead letting whoever was on the other side inform Lando through the wall that it was time to change and head down to the garage. 

He was waiting for you to say something. He was waiting for you to tell him that you wanted him. And you knew you did, but why couldn’t you open your mouth? Why did your fears outweigh what was right in front of you? Why was it still so hard to let yourself be happy with Lando?

Lando nodded, accepting once again that no answer was probably better than the answer he didn’t want to hear. He gestured towards the handle of the door. Without saying a word, he was politely asking you to leave. 

And because you still couldn’t say anything, because you couldn’t meet him halfway, you left. You stepped out in the hallway, avoiding the eyes of nearby McLaren employees as you walked down the stairs. You passed Oscar before reaching the front doors and he gave you a hopeful look, curious if all was worked out between you and his teammate. 

You shook your head, still unable to find your voice. 

When you stepped outside, it was still raining but it had eased up. It was a light drizzle compared to the storm you ran through earlier. 

By the time you made it back to Ferrari, most people had already left to go to the pitlane and the garage.

An exception to that was Charles.

“Don’t,” you demanded. You didn’t want to hear anything from him, but he was clearly waiting for you. He didn’t comment on your rung out appearance or your smeared makeup. It wasn’t his place to, anyway. He just stood up and walked over to you, zipping up his racing suit in the process.

“I stand by what I said,” Charles declared and all you could do was roll your eyes as he continued. “You shouldn’t put your happiness in a driver.”

“And what if I already did?” You retorted, quite loudly. “What if I already did and I didn’t realise it until it was too late and now- and now I have nothing? What if I’m worse off now than I was before?”

For a split second, you could see it in his features. Charles was conflicted too. 

There was Formula 1 driver Charles Leclerc. The man fighting for championship winning points. The guy who risked his life every time he stepped into the cockpit of the car.

And then there was your older brother. The one who hated that he was the one who put you in this situation. Your brother, the one who said he wanted to keep you safe, was the sole reason there was a sense of vulnerability and emptiness looming over you. 

You didn’t feel those things because you had feelings for Lando. You felt those things because Charles made you feel guilty for supporting someone other than him. 

And even after everything, after you came to the realisation that you wanted Lando, after you dropped a bombshell on your brother, after you ran across the paddock for some stupid grand gesture, where did you find yourself?

Standing in front of Charles.

No wonder Lando had his doubts with you.

“I can’t be here,” you admitted, your chest feeling tight once again. “I can’t watch the race, I’m sorry.”

For once, Charles wasn’t going to stand in your way. He had done enough damage.

“Take the plane back to Monaco if you want, there’s a car that will take you the airport-”

“No, I’m not going to Monaco,” you shook your head. Monaco was the last place you wanted to go. You didn’t want to walk into your empty flat. There was nothing for you there.

There was nothing for you here either. You couldn't stand to look at Charles. Lando wasn't going to talk to you until you figured out what your intentions were but you couldn't figure it out if you were watching a race. You needed to leave.

And you needed to go to the one place that actually felt like home.

masterlist here

taglist: @moneymasnn@thotd-f1 @masonspulisic @mcmuppet@f1-futurewag-16-3-4-63 @alilstressyandlotdepressy @themisric @happydazzz123 @moonxblossom @norrisleclercf1 @scarlettisconfused @sbgal @e-lisa-bettan @harrysdimple05 @ophcelia @alesainz @fandomxs1 @majx00 @sbgal @mehrmonga @themockingjayreader @f1mockingjay @topguncultleader if i missed anyone im so sorry

#lando norris #lando norris au #lando norris instagram edit #lando norris social media au #lando norris fic #f1 requests #f1 #f1 fic #formula 1 #lando norris x y/n #lando norris x reader #lando norris x you #holllandtrash

[whyissupernaturaltrending]

Will the post be up tomorrow?

Ahh, I'm so sorry for the delay, it's been busy past few days. I've actually watched the J2 panel today, then somehow deleted my notes, and then realized that I'd watched the wrong panel in the first place ksjakakaj. So the post will be up tomorrow probably

#this was was sent on sunday or monday i think. just for the context #i want to get the post out asap especially since it won't be too complicated but yeah #it's been super busy two days i had wake up super early and there's some stuff going on so there's a bit of a delay #because as straightforward as the post will be i'll have to watch almost 2hrs of panels so it's just time-consuming #plus look through posts on social media and all that #but i promise i'll get it done as soon as i can and i'm really hoping i'll be able to post it tomorrow #spn trending asks

[for-the-ninth]

I know it's "last line" Monday but when have I ever shared just one line? Also missed Six Sentence Sunday, so here's just a lil blurb of an upcoming chapter for ya. Tags below the cut!

For some context, Eligar is the head of the mercenary company that sent Aedan (elven apostate and resident little baby man) to assassinate the Inquisitor in exchange for information on the whereabouts of his missing best friend, Iris. Aedan and Iris were separated young, when Iris got dragged off to the Gallows and Aedan's parents bent over backwards to hide him from the templars. When Anders did the Big Bang, Aedan fled Kirkwall, and he's been looking for Iris ever since. Upon his (hilarious) failed assassination attempt, the Inquisitor took him under her wing.

In this excerpt, Leliana and the Inquisitor are hatching out a plan to extract information from Eligar and free Aedan from his debt.

***

“We found Eligar,” she said, pointing to a black dot on the coast of the Waking Sea. “He was last seen in Jader with the rest of his company—most of them elves—waiting in vain for Aedan and his comrade to return.”

Shielan placed her finger on the dot and traced a path back to Skyhold. “Wouldn’t take long to get there on horseback—a few weeks, tops.”

“No need,” Leliana said. “I sent a letter with my people inviting him to parley, and he accepted.”

Shielan’s eyebrows shot up. “You invited him here?”

“Think about it”—Leliana leaned across the table, gesturing with her cigarette, mischief twinkling in the corners of her eyes—“he comes here, we have the advantage. His people don’t know the layout, and I can place spies out in plainclothes to keep an eye on his men. If he’s stupid enough to try anything, he’ll be surrounded on all sides.” A wicked grin crept across her face as she took another slow drag. “Though I don’t believe he’ll have reason to.”

A mass gathering of trained assassins—albeit poorly trained, if Aedan had been any indication—struck Shielan as a disaster in the making, but Leliana had long ago proven her judgment to be sound. “What did you have in mind?”

“We’ll use the boy as bait,” she said, brows wagging with impish excitement. “According to my sources, Eligar believes his boys were captured by the Inquisition. Once he learns that Aedan not only failed to take out his mark, but fell in line behind you, he’ll be furious.”

“And seeking revenge, no doubt.” Shielan drummed her fingers against the table, brows furrowed. “So we offer Aedan in exchange for what—a truce? I can’t imagine he’s changed his mind about killing me.”

“With the exception of his top men, everyone Eligar hires is swamped with debt,” Leliana said. “He pays off the debtors, thereby assuming the debt of his mercenaries, then charges them interest, so they pay it back tenfold. We quietly offer to pay Aedan and the dead mercenary’s debts, but encourage him to continue collecting from the boy. By the time he walks out, he’ll think he’s getting the sweet end of the deal.”

Shielan chuckled. “And how far do you plan on letting him walk before you stick a dagger in his back?”

“Oh, I don’t know." Leliana waved one flippant hand. “Perhaps I’ll wait until he reaches the main hall, so we have an audience.”

Shielan crossed one leg over the other and sat straight, arms folded over her chest, narrowed eyes boring holes into the wall behind the spymaster’s head.

“I know I should’ve spoken with you first,” Leliana said, “but I worried he’d flee by ship if we didn’t make contact.” When Shielan gave no response, she added: “I can rescind the offer, if you like.”

Shielan met Leliana’s gaze. “What have your people found with regards to the Tranquil, Iris?”

“That’s the bad news, I’m afraid." Leliana sighed heavily, eyes downcast. "I’ve made contact with sources in every major city from here to Nevarra.” She shook her head, brows furrowed. “If she is alive, then she’s done a damn good job covering her tracks.”

A moment of silence passed between them, with Leliana looking expectantly at Shielan, and Shielan drumming her fingers idly against the table again, gnawing furiously at her bottom lip.

“It’s a good plan,” she said, finally. “And I believe I know how to make it better.”

At this, Leliana’s devilish grin returned in full force, and her hands moved from tin to paper with renewed urgency. In less than a minute, she was gleefully handing Shielan another cigarette, eyes twinkling and cheeks flushed.

“By all means, Inquisitor—do tell.”

tags: @cleverblackcat @oxygenforthewicked @scribbledquillz @charmcity-jess @roguelioness @a11sha11fade @teknicianwrites @noire-pandora @wildercrow

#my writing #dragon age inquisition #dragon age fanfic #leliana #inquisitor shielan #last line monday #more like many lines monday #that's what i'm gonna start calling it #bc i've literally never posted just one line lmao

[birlcholtz]

Check Please Friendship Week 2020!

(Yes 2020 does mean I’d like to keep doing this in the future!!)

I want to give everyone time to look at the prompts and create stuff, so OMGCP Friendship Week 2020 will be from September 13 to September 19!

Check Please features so many amazing friendships, and this week is intended to give them their time to shine. Each day has its own prompt, but you can deviate from the schedule if/however you like!

When you post, tag it with #omgcpfriendshipweek! I’ll be following the tag so I can see what y’all create, and feel free to tag me/DM me your posts as well (I don’t want to miss anything, so you’d be doing me a favor).

Prompts:

Day 1/Sunday: First Impressions

Day 2/Monday: Stress

Day 3/Tuesday: Kegsters

Day 4/Wednesday: Shinny/Skating

Day 5/Thursday: Family

Day 6/Friday: Late Night Conversations

Day 7/Saturday: Graduation/After Samwell

FAQ:

What format of content is allowed? Honestly, whatever your heart desires.

What if whatever I’m creating turns shippy? That’s awesome, just please don’t tag it with #omgcpfriendshipweek so we can ensure that the hashtag is only for works that focus on friendships and platonic relationships!

Do I need to send my content somewhere for it to be posted? Nope, just post it yourself and tag it with #omgcpfriendshipweek!

What if there are characters in my content who are together, but it’s not about them being together? That should be fine! Use your judgment-- if you’re intentionally focusing on friendship and platonic relationships, then it counts! Just make sure that your content isn’t about those characters being in a romantic relationship and you should be good to go :)

Can I write about characters who are a super common romantic ship? HELL YEAH! I think it would be great to explore those characters’ friendships outside the context of a romantic relationship!!

Can I start working on my pieces in advance? Totally! Start as soon as you want!

Is there any kind of minimum requirement for content? Nope! Do as much or as little as you’d like!

Thanks to @randomnoteforfuturereference and @riprapcap for supplying some prompt ideas, and thanks to everyone who’s been asking me questions that I can then use to fill out the FAQ a little more! And also MAJOR thanks to everyone who supplied prompts that are not in this year’s friendship week!! I’m keeping track of who sent what for future years’ prompts :)

#FAQ will be edited if I get more questions #omgcpfriendshipweek #sb if you're interested!! #omgcp

[batshieroglyphics]

Six Sentence Sunday

*casually pokes her head in for the first time in forever* I keep meaning to do a 6SS for this JangObi fic I’ve been working on (it’s something like 100K and I haven’t even reached my originally intended ending yet, let alone the one the characters threw a spanner into the plot to force, jfc, I hate ALL OF YOU), but I would think about it at some point on Saturday, and then suddenly remember, on Monday, that I...never made a post for it. Whoops?

Anyway, wrote this bit this morning, thought ‘this would be a great 6 sent Sun bit!’ and then realised that, huh, it’s ACTUALLY SUNDAY. Pfft.

Fic is a soulmate AU, inspired by Emrys_Fae’s Fate and Choice series (please to google search; not adding a link b/c tumblr is a dickwad). This scene is 100K or so in, might remember to do something from earlier on some other Sunday, but don’t hold your breath. (Or maybe something from one of the two fics I’m working on for my Feemor AU? They kinda got set aside for this monster, sorry. orz)

Amusement and lips pressing to his brought him back to consciousness again, and he grabbed for his kar'uni, tugging Obi-Wan down on top of him and humming happily at the warm weight. Obi-Wan chuckled. "Is this the trick to get you to let me meditate?" Obi-Wan teased in Mando'a. "Do it first thing in the morning?" Jango grunted and wrapped his arms around his waist, pinning him against him. "Could just stop meditating," he suggested, because Obi-Wan's silent sitting time seemed to cut into far too much—in Jango's opinion—of their limited time together while their ade were asleep. "This is one of those Jedi customs you're just going to have to resign yourself to, cyare," Obi-Wan replied, sounding completely unapologetic. But then he kissed Jango, slow and languid, and Jango decided he could forgive him.

Technically more than six sentences, but, eh. Context is nice, or something, idk.

(Mando’a: kar’uni -- my word for soulmate, mashing of kar’ta (heart) and runi (soul, poetic) ade -- children, plural cyare -- beloved)

#jangobi #kenfetti #jango/obi #fandom:star wars #fic title? I suppose I can give y'all the title #fic:What Twist of Fate #pairing:Jango Fett/Obi Wan Kenobi #Sunday six #they get interrupted by Ani #he's like please don't make me come in there #poor baby XD #I just wanna get to the killing Palpafucker part #is that REALLY too much to ask? #*shakes the boys* #HOW IS THIS ALREADY OVER 100K?! #WHY AM I LIKE THIS?! #ps-please to be aware that I only post completed fics #which is why this is the first anyone is hearing about this #except Emrys_Fae #because I asked them for permission to play in their sandbox #I don't know if they have a tumblr #should I leave a comment with a link to this for them? #maaaaaaaybe #but probably food first #stop snacking on crisps and brownies Bats

[earning-money-while-travel]

traveling mailbox - is this a normal experience?

I'm currently using Traveling Mailbox. I was finally able to get my passport renewed and my passport was mailed to my PMB with TM with the tracking number for the passport envelope showing that the passport was delivered on Saturday 08/22 @ 12:55pm.

Given the extreme importance of this letter, I sent TM an email on Sunday evening 08/23/20 asking when I should expect to see a scan of this letter in my TM inbox. TM replied that if the letter was received over the weekend then the letter would be "shipped to us" on Monday and that I should see the scan in my TM inbox by Thursday 08/27/20 at the latest.

I sent a followup email on Saturday evening 08/29/20 stating that I didn't have a scan of that letter in my TM inbox yet. TM replied this morning asking for the sender and recipient address that was used for the passport letter so I replied with that info. This seems like a lot of work just to get a letter and I've had a similar back and forth experience on 2 test letters that I sent to my TM PMB in the past.

Is this a pretty typical experience with TravelingMailbox in particular or similar mail services in general? Maybe this is more of an issue with the Denver location since others seem to have reported good experiences with TM. However, I need a consistent and reliable service irrespective of branch location. Have you found that it's better to have anything of importance that you need to receive sent to a friend or family member and TM should only be used essentially as a spam folder for unimportant letters?

List of Digital Nomad Visa, Long Stay Options, and Visa Hacks Rated

I got a little frustrated with sites listing "DN visas" and all them being in the Caribbean with a $2k fee and $70k minimum income, so I did some research and organized the visa list below.

This is a full list of every reasonable visa option I could find for digital nomads (and a few unreasonable ones), rated it by practicality (1-5) on ease of getting the visa, fees, desirability of the location, cost of living, and how the location generally resonates with DNs and there needs.

There were 45 visa options I could find 6+ month visas or good short term visa situations, with about 13 being all around reasonable DN visas, 4 good visa hacks or worthwhile short term visas, and 6 DN programs with legislation being passed by countries and potential long stay/DN/Remote Worker Visas.

Working from gorgeous Guatepe, Colombia.

I’ve had dreams of working remotely for almost a decade. 5 years ago I was laid off from the best paying job I’d ever had and went into a deep depression when I couldn’t find another gig. I decided I should go back to school and finally finish my degree. What I thought would take at most 14 months took 2 1/2 years but I finally graduated last December. Got a job the day I graduated that was ok but I got tired of living where I was. I put myself out there 9 months later and got the offer I’ve dreamed of. I start my remote gig on Monday and am literally on my way to Medellin, Colombia to meet a friend right now. I can’t believe it’s finally happening.

Edit: Thank you all for the upvotes. This is only me second post on Reddit (still trying to figure it out). I’ll answer a few of the questions I received below.

Checking out Croatia for our next DN destination and I’m thinking… yes. Any tips for making the move?

Nea Fokaia, Halkidiki, Greece - shoulder season is the best!

Favorite destinations that are comparably ‘cheap’ given their regions, or places that are just generally affordable?

For context, I’m still in the early stages of my digital nomad journey and am still on a relatively low budget (ideally close $1k monthly). Eventually, I’d like to have the freedom of being able to go to whichever destination I choose, but for the timebeing my goal is to travel and see as much of the world’s different regions and cultures as possible, while sticking to the most affordable cities,

Read More:https://www.reddit.com/r/digitalnomad/comments/ik25vn/traveling_mailbox_is_this_a_normal_experience/

#Traveling Mailbox

[datingintampafails]

Chapter 33: Robert*

Robert* reminds me of Peter*, in which, there’s confusion about names, the vibes are never quite right, and the date is pretty short. Though in this case, although we did talk for a longer time than Peter* and I did, the date itself was even shorter, a whopping 45 minutes.

Initially, Robert* likes me first on Hinge. His profile is not necessarily a slam dunk for me. He looks decent looking, though not my usual type, and has a chain bakery listed as to where he works. I like to think I am not a snob when it comes to careers, I’m pretty open-minded, but I do want to be with someone who has ambition and can have intelligent conversations with me since I am pretty well educated. Basically, someone around my level of thinking.

I decided to give the guy a chance and respond to his like by mentioning that I really like cookies at the place he works. He mentions that we could have a first date there and I responded by asking if he has dates with girls at his work often. He tells me he has only been working there a few weeks, so no. We legitimately talk about the different kinds of cookies for a while, then he moves on to ask me about what else I like. I mention my dog, then share that I space out and have trouble thinking on the spot and ask him about himself to see if it will also remind me of other things I like. He talks about seeing friends and playing video games, adds he “Doesn’t get out much.” Without missing a beat, he asks me what I’m looking for on dating apps. The dreaded question. I ask him to tell me first. My reasoning being, I feel like many men will cater their answers to what you want, instead of telling the truth. He writes me a long answer then gives me a TL;DR (too long; didn’t read) that is maybe ⅔ the length of the original message, so not that short, that says “going with the flow, down for a consistent [friends with benefits] or relationship, whatever happens, just not a one-night stand.” He announces it is then my turn to respond. I tell him I feel more or less the same, as his original longer message, but that I am not as much interested in the friends with benefits thing. Specifically, I say that with FWB, there needs to be an opportunity, or “nahhh.” I say that expectations only bring hardship and lightheartedly say I like to ask super important questions early in relationships, i.e. like my survey/application from way back when, and add “like cookie choices.” He asks me to clarify my opportunity or nahhh and says he is an open book and I can ask him anything. I explain my feelings more, saying that I don’t see the point of sticking around if someone is dead set on not wanting a relationship with me, as well as it is usually temporary and almost like a holding pattern. I ask my most important question, which is if someone wants children or not.

I get a slight argument back from him, regarding the FWB thing, saying that it can turn into more. I argue back, saying that it is still something that needs to be wanted, or at least both parties from the start can think “maybe someday.” He says this and that about the FWB, before answering my question. He says, more or less, he is open to it but it isn’t a necessity for him, however, he definitely doesn’t want kids right now. He asks me how I feel about it and I express I do not want them but would be open to adoption. He says that’s fine with him and quickly says, “Any other questions.” I am not meaning for this to be an interview. I say I do have a question, but that it is more of an open-ended/ statement that can be responded to. All I say for my “question” is the phrase “trump.” I also let him know I am going to sleep soon so we can continue our conversation in the morning. He does not like my question, that is that he says it is too vague and isn’t helpful for political discussions. I tell him that is my point, and that I am looking for him to express his feelings and that I can either oppose, agree, or somewhere in between. He says likely there would be all three. I go to sleep so I do not respond.

He greets me in the morning with a good morning. I greet him back, though I remind him I am still waiting on his opinions. It is a Saturday, so I also let him know I am about to present for a Zoom conference. He says he’s at a rowing camp and on a break from that, then asks me about my conference. He again requests that I be more specific than just “Saying one word.” I tell him about the conference, but regarding the political question, I send an eye-rolling emoji again saying that that is the point of the open forum, that I am looking for a blanket statement of his feelings regarding Trump.

He again asks about my presentation, and how it went, then goes on to give a pretty neutral debate, saying there’s good and bad, though it seems he veers more towards being a Trump fan, which is not my preference. Robert* offers to me that I can ask any questions about his stance. I am thinking, I do not need an invitation, I have a question and I will ask it.

Robert* inquires what I am doing the rest of the night. I say I’m staying in as I am going to Disney World the next day. I ask him what he is going to do the rest of the night, as that is the societally polite thing to do. I am asked AGAIN if I have any questions to ask him. He also says that he “wanted to do something with someone tonight. Chill night in maybe? Not necessarily sexual. Just relaxing, drinking some wine maybe.” My response is “haha sorry i don’t think i’ll be ‘someone’ today,” both calling him out on obviously being thirsty, as well and reiterating I am not planning on going out tonight. He admits defeat, saying that he didn’t think I would be either, but it was “worth a shot to ask.” However, he does say he does want to get together sometime.

Immediately before I can even respond to that, though, he asks me where in Disney I am going tomorrow. I tell him that Monday I could look at my schedule and put together a time and day we could meet up. I also express that I do not want to meet him at either of our places, mostly because of the stunt he had just pulled. I tell him my Disney World plans as well. He says that it is fine to talk about going out on Monday and says that “that would’ve been the plan” to not hang out at either of our places, despite what he had just said earlier about having a chill night in. I call him out on this, reminding him that he had just said something different, his response being, “yes, sorry if that made you uncomfortable. Im horny as all hell but my intentions are good and i can keep it in my pants. I promise.” How romantic. I send a laughing emoji and say that we’ve all been there before. He says he didn’t want to cross the “TMI threshold,” wherein I say that it is difficult to TMI me, but that doesn't mean I won’t be judgemental. His next comment is awkward, as he invites me to judge, but says that he’s “done [his] fair share of crazy/dumb/slutty shit. As [he is] sure [I] have too.” Weird to accuse someone you are trying to woo of being a crazy dumb slut, but okay. I bring up that I had an abusive relationship but that even in that, I wasn’t completely devoid of wrongdoing. He asks if I am comfortable talking about that and is sympathetic. I tell him more about that and he asks for some of the red flags my ex but off that I ignored. For the billionth time, Robert* offers that if I have any more important questions that I can go ahead and ask. I briefly acknowledge he asked again, by saying “lol if they come up organically I’ll ask” before continuing to talk about my abusive ex. One of the things I mentioned was that my ex was very critical about my body habitus, that is, that I was too skinny. Robert* takes it upon himself to say, “ as far as your body, it seems like you have a great fucking body…. As long as you’re not unhealthy idgaf im attracted to you sooooo” then sends two heart-eyed emojis and a shrugging guy emoji. The line he draws is that his “hands are rated E for everyone,” the context being, if someone hit him he would hit back. I explained my body issues some more and that I have stomach issues, and have always been a small person. He misunderstands and thinks I’m talking about having abs or having a fatty stomach. With the context I felt I had given, I sent a bunch of question marks before adding that my stomach issues were internal. He apologizes a lot for misunderstanding and says he is glad I’m in a better situation.

In his mind, it’s now a great time to bring up that we should text or snap. I tell him that Snapchat is “for hoes” if you only talk on Snapchat. Referencing to myself Darren* mostly. He sends me his number and then I text him. The next day, I am off having a day with my friend at an amusement park. He texts me often throughout the day and I respond when I have a chance. My best friend is asking me “who is this one?” and by the time she asks this, I’m honestly getting a little annoyed. She’s still asking about John* and where he is at. “I don’t know what’s going on with him. We’re mad at him right now. He is doing that shit again. I have to play the game, you know?” I describe Robert* as being kind of needy. At one point, Robert* is texting and asking desperately when I’m free and when we can go out. I tell him “I’m still out I’m not focused on that right now” The overeagerness is kind of a turn-off. And as mentioned earlier, we had already agreed to plan things out on Monday, and it was Sunday. He responds “Ok nvm. We don’t have to talk about that. Sorry.” Maybe I was harsh but had to put this guy in his place. I get a barrage of questions about Disney World. I mention I’m wearing my hat like a frat boy. He responds jokingly, “disgusting, how dare you.” I continue the charade by saying “yep I haze the shit out of people.” Next, however, his response is too cringey, “Mmmm haze me frat mandy” and adds “I can go more cringe.” I reply, “no thanks.” I ignore him for the rest of the day and then when I get home I finally tell him 1) I’m home and 2) what days I’m available. He gets irritated as the two nights I am available, are the only nights he is working. I have some friends coming into town the next weekend as well, so I tell him I’m not really available since I want to hang out with them. We go back and forth on what to do then with our conflicting schedules. Finally, we agree upon doing something after my work, but before his work on one of the days, giving us a tight segment of time but that should be enough for more or less a meet and greet. Because he is the one that will have somewhere to go, I tell him that he’s in charge of the planning and logistics because I wanted to make sure he had enough time to get to work.

We chat superficially in the meantime, mostly about video games and a little about past relationships. And of course… more inviting me to ask questions again. He puts me on the spot regarding the date and is trying to make me plan. I put the responsibility back on him. Finally, he suggests a place he had been wanting to try, that is more or less like a juice bar that also does protein shakes, kind of a health shop. Not really my kind of place, but I’m making him do all the planning so I won’t argue. We both independently go on a search for menus/information. He makes a comment regarding finding the menu but no prices. He randomly comments while we are chatting about the place “have i ever said that youre really fucking cute,” to which I just respond “not like in those exact words.” He adds “but yea you are. I humbly brag, “thanks! I know this about myself.” Typical male response is, presumably joking, “ok you’re too cocky” “youre ugly” “gotta bring you down a peg.” To this I just say, “it’s called confidence/not being insecure.” He switches things around saying “i know confidence is sexy.”

I don’t respond to this and get a good morning text the next day and he makes small talk about how we slept and such. It is the day that I have a date with Timmy*, but of course Robert* doesn’t know this. He at one point texts me saying that his morning got really shitty. I ask him what’s wrong and all he says is “I’ll tell you about it later.” I wonder why people do this, like why bring it up if you aren’t gonna talk about it now? It all seems like a sort of test. I do not play these games. All I say in response is “ok.” He adds “if I don’t text you about it remind me.” I don’t respond. He texts me again asking how my work is going an hour-ish later. I say it’s hectic and he asks if I’m on lunch. I send him a message about not getting full lunch breaks. I don’t hear from him for almost five hours, and given his text earlier about his bad day, I figured something could be wrong given how clingy via text he usually is. I finally text him and ask if he is ok. He says he took a nap and asked again about work, making a point that it was better than his day. Enough of the baiting, I finally say snarkily, “yeah you still have to tell me [what happened.” He is hyping it up now, saying “fair warning - its sad” I don’t respond because I figure he would still go on and tell me what happens and it didn’t warrant a response, but then he adds “if you still want to know” a few minutes later. I honestly don’t care too much, “if you want to tell me.” He finally does tell me what happened, and essentially he saw a dog be hit by a car and had tried to help it with someone else who saw the hit but the dog, unfortunately, didn’t make it. I commend him on trying to help and he says that he did the right thing and that’s why his day sucked. I don’t really know how to respond to that, plus at this point, I am getting ready for my date.

I lie to him when he asks me about my night, saying that I am chilling. More small talk to my disgust, and I verify our plans for the next day. He makes a comment about not being able to see the prices anywhere. This seems to be a worry of his for whatever reason, so I tell him that we can do something else and that I am flexible. He is of no help, as all he says about this is “idk what else we’d do.” My response is “ok” and I say I’m going to bed. In the morning it is finally the day of our date and I let him know that unfortunately I forgot to bring a change of clothes with me to work, so I’ll be wearing my work outfit tonight. He makes a comment about how he’s never seen a cute girl not look good in scrubs, and I let him know that today is the day that changes.

During the day, he states he is thinking of driving by to check the prices of the drinks and that he’s also got a back up. I tell him he should do whatever he wants. I look the places up and they are about 25 minutes away from my work. I head on that way once my work is done and I arrive first. I wait in my car until he texts me to ask which car is mine. I get out of my car and grab my things, now realizing I parked next to a puddle of water and got my shoes a little wet. I laugh it off and say oh well. I see who I presume to be him getting out of a car on the other side of the parking lot. He’s wearing a light pink hoodie, a little different but hey, real men wear pink, right?

I approach him and say hello and give him a hug. We get our masks on and walk into the store. Immediately we are greeted by who I can only assume is the owner of the shop. He is bright and happy and gives us his spiel about the type of beverages they have there. Robert* is being very quiet and is very short with the worker, saying he doesn’t know what he wants and I should go first. I try to describe what I’m going for, and the worker says the exact thing on the menu I want is unavailable due to a delayed shipment, but suggests something else to me and I accept with recommendation. I am done ordering apparently too quickly, as my date is still undecided. The owner ends up just asking him if he likes snickers, the candy bar, and he gives a not-very-believable “Yeah” so the owner suggests to him a shake that is based on those flavor patterns. Robert* is asked if we’re paying together and I look to him, he lets out an apathetic, “sure” and it takes all of my energy not to scoff. The owner tells us that they’re giving discounts out if you advertise the location by sharing a photo on social media and I agree to do so, because why not.

Then it gets a little uncomfortable. The owner is trying to be extra personable and make it a personalized experience, so upon receiving Robert*’s card, he starts referring to him using his name that is on his card. The only thing is, the name I know him by is not the name on the card, nor any fort of that name, like a typical nickname. Under my face mask, I smile and almost laugh to myself like, you dumb bitch who are you even out with rihgt now. Additional peer pressure from the owner also leads to us giving him our emails and signing up for their loyalty program, which also knocks off some cents off our drink. When I give him mine, obviously everything is the same, but when he gives his email, his email does have the name that I knew him by in the address, so I figure okay maybe Robert* is a middle name or something. Because we were under one order, there was also some sort of combo discount included as well since he got a shake and, I, a tea.

As we walk away from the counter and take a seat on a couch maybe 10 feet away, Robert* abruptly asks “what do you think the damage is?” Immediately pulling out his phone and checking the receipt of our drinks. “Uh I don’t know…. Sixteen dollars,” I guess. I am honestly put off by his obsession on price. I understand money issues, but it is not appropriate for first date behavior. I am pretty close, as it is somewhere in the mid $15 range. He scoffs at the prices.

Now that we are sitting together, I am noticing really how disheveled and not put together he looks. He has overgrown stubble, too short to be a beard, but definitely not stubble from just the day. His skin all over his face and body is dry and flaky, especially on his ears. Again, I expect a little more from a man who has had days to prepare for this date. I have been sipping my drink for a while, and it is honestly delicious, one of the best beverages I’ve ever had. He asks if I would like to try his drink. “No thank you, I don’t think it would go well with my fruity drink,” I half lie. The major reason why is that I am weird about sharing drinks/food and that so far I am almost repulsed by him and don’t want to share anything with him.

Despite my lack of optimism already, I try my best to be upbeat and give him a chance. I am trying to start a conversation and ask him questions and get to know him more, but he is a brick wall. He’s just staring at me and not saying anything, occasionally taking sips from his shake. Many of his responses are very sarcastic and rude. He actually brings up the ears; he had a very bad sunburn and that’s why they looked like that. Doesn’t explain the rest of his look though, but at least he was aware of that. It is pretty warm in the shop. I already opted to leave my jacket in the car, but at one point he decided to take off his sweatshirt. Underneath was a red shirt with almost like a confetti cake type pattern, of little microscopic dots of different colors throughout. I compliment the shirt, and mention I have one of a similar type of fabric pattern. I am nodded at. I again continue to try and force conversation, but I am still getting nothing.

Randomly he says, “come here” and puts his arm around me, pulling me close. I am extremely confused, as I was getting very negative vibes from him all over. I make my confusion known by commenting about how that was out of nowhere. His only response is, “oh you know.” “No, I do not know. I have no idea what is going on right now.” He only just chuckles and is like “you’re a cute girl.” I furrow my brow in confusion and figure we should get some air and suggest we take a walk. I ran to my car and put the drink in my car as well as my bag, being light, only having my phone and car keys for the walk. We take off and just walk through a nearby neighborhood. We have maybe 10-15 more minutes until he has to get going so he can get to work in time.

Conversation is still moderately forced, but a little better. At one point, we come up to a tree where the branches overhang drastically over the sidewalk. Whereas before I had been walking on the street side, Robert* has swung around and walked into the street, whereas I choose just to duck under the branches, which is easier with me being shorter, although I would not say he is very tall either. I made a comment about not caring and that he could have just “pushed me into the street/out of the way” and continued on, jokingly, about how you have to put a woman in their place. He says “okay noted I see what you like now,” trying to turn it into something sexual, it seems. I pause a moment, becoming much more serious when I say, “you know I’m kidding. I’ve told you about my abusive relationship so obviously I am not a fan of battering women.” In this moment, he pulls me into an embrace and tries to kiss me. I lean away and ask him, “why is talking about abusing women the time to try and kiss me?” He makes an excuse saying that he just really wanted to kiss me. I lie again, making another excuse about why I don’t want to kiss him, “I’m more old fashioned I guess, I’d like to get to know someone a little better and make sure that we are compatible and know each other well before I do anything.” Again, not entirely untrue. For the five hundredth or so time, Robert* says that I can ask him any questions.

I check my watch and declare, accurately, “We should probably head back towards our cars, you need to head out soon.” We walk back to the parking lot, having idle chitter chatter. When we get to my car, it’s perfect timing, as an alarm he had set to make sure he left on time goes off. I start to say our goodbyes and he tells me again that he wants to kiss me. I make a noise that makes my discomfort known, and he says, “well what about a kiss on the cheek?” I say verbatim, “I’ll allow it.” He makes a sarcastic comment, mocking me about “allowing it.” I retorted back saying, “well yeah.” He sticks to his word and only does a cheek kiss, and I’m cringing and can’t wait to wash my face when I get home. Being polite, I ask for him to let me know when he gets to work.

Using my Apple Carplay, I ask my car to text him when I notice he is driving behind me. Though, as all I’m getting is audio, I don’t know exactly what I am texting until I get home later.

(the first two texts of mine are my car texting and not manually)

Immediately, he asks me my feelings about him.

I then offered Venmo him money for my drink, as obviously money was a huge concern for him. He accepts and sends me his Venmo. I sent him the money and let him know so.

And that is that. He doesn’t text me after that.

#dating #relationships #stpete #florida #tampa #tampabay #hinge #bumble #tinder #datingapps #baddates

[ontochristine]

02.01.21

Two weeks since EK’s birthdate. I had hoped to write this sooner, while things were still fresh, but I’m learning that newborn care takes a lot of attention!

To recap my labor & delivery...

My EDD was 1/29. Up until January’s Kaiser appointments, EK had been measuring a little larger so we all thought he’d come sooner. Then Jan’s appointments showed he was back on track. It was both good and disappointing news. Work picked up after the holidays and my coordinator just started, so I needed the time to catch her up and get things in order. On the flip side, at 37 going on 38 weeks, I was really uncomfortable; sleeping horribly, back hurting, eating endlessly, etc. In other words, I was ready for baby to come out asap. By mid-Jan, DK & I figured baby would come closer to his EDD, whereas before DK figured he’d come around 2 weeks early and I thought he’d come 1 week early.

Fridays became my favorite days of the week while pregnant because 1) end of work week, 2) our takeout day and 3) sleep aid night (sleeping was awful during pregnancy and the sleep aid helped me get one full night of rest). So Friday, I wound down and went to bed between 9-10pm, while DK played DOTA in the second bedroom per usual. Sat am, I woke up with a spreading warmth waist down. I thought at first maybe I had like triple the layer of blankets in that area until I felt the wetness with my hands. Then thought to myself, “Is this my water breaking?” So I started to yell for DK but he was knocked out. I waddled my way to the bathroom, stripped, washed off my body & my PJ pants. At this point, I figured, “Well who knows how urgent this is. I’ll wake up DK after I’ve called Kaiser.” So I call, they advise to come to hospital as soon as possible - but no crazy rush - and I wake up DK, who doesn’t leap to his feet but more annoyed/groggy haha. This man doesn’t like to be woken up anyway. Knowing we have time, I put on makeup (I admit it! I’m vain!), try to figure out how to stop the leaking with the limited pads I have, and start packing last few things into the hospital bag. Then I eat an apple and write Janice’s bday card (whyyy do I irrelevant things during times like this). We finally head out and because of COVID, only I walk into the hospital where I’m seen in the triage area. Since it’s so early (before 8a), the hospital is really quiet and a Korean nurse comes to see me. I count both these things as God’s hand over me :) She chatters on and on about this and that and tells me that DK should definitely bring up snacks and it’ll be a while. So I send DK to Costco and he ends up coming to the hospital around 1p, after I’ve moved to the L&D unit.

The medical staff administered pitocin around 11a (?) and from 11a-4p, we just waited for the contractions to build up. Started a new show called Cobra Kai and ate the popsicles from the hospital. ALSO important to note that I sent DK to buy snacks in the am and then we later found out once Pitocin is in my system, I can’t eat solids until baby is out. I had like 8 popsicles over the course of waiting. Anyway, come 4p, the contractions were painful enough to request the epidural and by then, I started crying from the pain. It was just like the miscarriage contractions. I think the reminder of that mc coupled with the new pain made it an emotional experience for me again. The tears wet my mask, I muffled my gasps bc of the nurses and I was embarrassed, and my mind was just blank from the pain. I don’t know how women deliver without the epidural!! With the epidural hooked up and several tubes and devices on me, the pain subsided but around 6-7p, a bunch of nurses and doctors stormed into our room saying “baby is a little grumpy so we’re gonna do XYZ”. One staff member started reading off C-section risks to me to get my verbal consent, others tried to get me into an all-fours position, while another put an oxygen mask on me. I think the oxygen mask really freaked me out. Meanwhile DK was off to the side just watching and I didn’t say anything. Eventually things calmed down, we didn’t need the C-section and DK & I agreed that some calmer context would have helped haha. We waited overnight to dilate fully and by 5am on Sunday, we were ready to go! After pushing for 5 minutes, EK was born (cone-shaped and blue) and my first words were, “What the heck!” Once we cleaned up, it hit me how freaking adorable he was. DK sent photos and messages to both families and that was that!

As the epidural wore off and the catheter removed , I was introduced to the wonderful & embarrassing world of urinary incontinence. Almost immediately, I wet myself (a lot!) and the nurses had to tend to me. Thankfully, I heard, read or watched YT videos about this so I was pretty shameless about it. Like, what can I do? I have no control! We got moved to the post partum unit before Sunday noon which was slightly smaller and there, we had a nurse or doctor check on us or EK every other hour. Going to the bathroom every three hours to prevent serious leaking was annoying and the IV became super painful, since I started to move around and hold EK. I was on email for about an hour, canceling & consolidating meetings, and crafting my final week at work message. I decided I needed one more week (even while EK was here) to transition everything smoothly and feel at peace, which is another way of saying “I know it’s unconventional but this is how I want to do things!” I finally checked my phone - not sure why, but I hated the thought of texting or holding conversations during the L&B/pp time. I think I was just exhausted. I slept so poorly with the nurses coming to check on me every hour from the night before and I was just mentally and physically off. 

Come Monday am and with the prospects of going home soon, I felt better and Facetimed umma & appa. When I got wheeled Covid with EK in my arms, the nurse covered his face with the swaddle...covid things to recall years from now. Finally, we got home! And as we lifted EK out from the carseat, DK & I were both kind of amazed. “It’s like we went shopping and came back with a baby!” And the first few nights, of just me and DK, were so special. Just figuring it out. Powered by adrenaline and burning desire to do things right for our baby.

On night 2, EK’s circumcision bandaid had come undone and hung onto his skin by a thread. We didn’t know what to do, since we were told this & that about the circumcision healing process. Anyway, we decided to pull it off and EK’s cries broke me - and I’m pretty sure it tore at DK too. We knew it was already painful for EK but the sight of the swelling, bright red part + his crying was too much for these two new parents. I cried and cried and cried haha. But to conclude the whole circumcision story, after about 1 week of careful tending, he is fully and perfectly healed :)

[steveramsdale]

10.11 MyLastEverBlog(?)Blog?

Think back to November or December in 2015. You’d never heard of Tashkent and your Saturday mornings were your own. If you had heard of Tashkent, you probably knew little about it and could not imagine what daily life there might be like. Those things were about to change. I was about to find out about daily like in Tashkent and, through me, so were you. I think I’ve said before, I didn’t expect to be writing a blog every week. I didn’t think anyone would be interested in reading such a document. But here we are. It is not ending how I expected, this year has not turned out in a way anyone expected. This will be, almost certainly (!!!) my last Saturday as a economic migrant in Uzbekistan. So, find a comfortable seat. Grab your favourite Saturday morning beverage. Settle for the final edition of the blog no-one needed! Therefore, this is (almost certainly) the last blog from Teaching on the Naughty Steppe. By the way, that blog title is made of the five best words I have ever written, probably the only good, clever, interesting words over the four and a half years. Anyway, you will be getting back your Saturday mornings, so start planning for what that freedom could mean to you.

On Saturday, I went out for tea, back with Wendy, Malek and Maya, and it was hot. Just as I arrived back at NBU, the theme of the week emerged - The Ticket Crisis. I received at text message telling me that my flight on 1st July had been cancelled. It advised that I could change the ticket. This was in the context of news that Turkish Airlines had not been given permission to resume operations to and from Tashkent. There was also news of additional repatriation flights operated by Uzbekistan Airways to various locations, including Istanbul. I tried using my phone to re-book the ticket. I tried using a laptop at Wendy’s house. I kept getting an error message at the same stage. I downloaded the Turkish app. It worked. I was able to rebook for the 2nd July and was able to relax and enjoy the evening (for a while). Various colleagues said ‘hi’ as they left the compound and when a group of three returned, they came into the garden. They came to let us know that they had just been to the main office of Uzbekistan Airways as they had been told that the last 5 tickets out of the city were available. They had bought them for a flight the next day. They had all sorts of rumours available to share. There would be a few more flights but commercial flights were shut down until August. The whole of Central Asia was shutting down until October (because a Kazakh government minister contracted the virus). There were, however, more tickets on the flight than the five they had told me about. It was a wild ride. I had my tickets. There were three more days of school. I had things I needed to do. I was sceptical about the stories. That was not the end, however.

On Sunday, I had my last Russian lesson(?). I had managed to ‘sell’ most of my spare Uzbek currency via UK bank transfers, which was good. Then I realized I owed for one Russian lesson and had this last one so I didn’t now have enough money - maybe. I can use a Visa card if I really have to.

On Sunday morning, I got another text message about the flight. At first I thought it was another cancellation and thought: ‘Is this going to keep happening for the rest of my life?’. It was, in fact, just a change -10 minutes earlier. By about 10:30am on Sunday, I was organised to such an extent that I could have been out of the flat, on my way to an airport, in m 15 minutes. This was my intended state of readiness for the next 11 days or so.

I made my last ever bus journey. Early Monday I walked to school - or I set off walking. I saw a couple of almost empty buses go past and decided I should take one last ride. Early adopters of the blog will remember our fun getting on different buses when we first came to Tashkent. It was the 24, fittingly.

By the end of Monday afternoon, the classroom was almost packed up. I would go in again on Wednesday for a final check - but it was almost the end. On Monday I also received another text message about the flight - again just a ten minute change to the the departure - the second flight this time.

Tuesday morning saw no changes to my ticket. Unusual times. Discussions were still ongoing in the message group. I was, once more, working from home. Between lessons, I decided to go and get some different drinks, via the bin to Ben’s little shop. I went downstairs and got to the corner, only to realise I had forgotten a face mask. I went back and got one. When I got back to the exact same point, I noticed something strange in the rubbish bag. It was a kitchen knife. I stopped and thought about going back again. I could not bear the thought of that. I put the knife in my little bag and went down to the bins. As I headed towards the shop, I thought about the fact that they sometimes check bags. I did not want to try to explain why I was carrying a knife, so I went home!

Wednesday morning saw the arrival of an email saying that Turkish Airlines resumption of flights had not, in fact, yet received official Uzbek government approval. So, the date of 2nd July was still ‘up in the air’. I genuinely apologise for that phrase. Would I be flying on the following Thursday?

All of this uncertainly (keep reading) may mean, there may need to be at least one more blog to resolve this part of the story. I cannot tell you that I will definitely not be here next Saturday. I think you might want to know how (and even if) this ends! Anyway, if I’m going to suffer, you can, too.

Here’s a strange little story to change the mood for a moment. As I was drifting off to sleep on Tuesday evening, I thought about someone and decided I would ask Mairi, the next day, if she had heard from this person. I was awake in the middle of the night and knew that I would not be getting straight back to sleep. So, I got up and checked my messages and there was a message from this person. I know that is a coincidence, but still slightly cool and spooky.

Wednesday was our last day. I saw one of my students in person as she came to return her iPad and collect her belongings. That was really nice. She was the only one I saw. It was a very strange end to then year but I think it was ‘easier’ for me that a proper end would have been.

A few staff arranged to have a get-together on Wednesday evening and I decided to go. It was not too far from me so I walked round and it was very pleasant. I made this note - ‘The girl selling tissues who took the money but didn’t give the tissues.’ It was Mark who was persuaded to buy them. I think she just forgot to hand them over, but it was funny. I then saw her again later as I walked home . She was walking along counting her money.

On Thursday I had my flat inspection, a ‘hospital appointment’ my telephone with my consultant and an interview with a supply agency.

Friday was also an unexpectedly busy/exciting day. The next flight chaos arrived. A message saying my flight from Tashkent to Istanbul had been cancelled. It was time to see if the Uzbek repatriation flights were on. As I set off, Dave got in touch and I told him to join me. It was quite early, but there was already quite a gathering outside the office. I won’t say queue because this is Tashkent. I stood at the back of the scrum. A man asked me if I needed help. I said I was here for a ticket to England. He said I could go straight in. I was unsure, but others waved me forward. I was allowed in and soon after, Dave arrived. Within about 20 minutes, we both had tickets to Istanbul and a reasonable price. Now to check the UK leg.

When I got home, I called Turkish airlines. The app was not letting me do anything. I explained the situation and said that I now had an alternative flight to Istanbul. I wanted to know if I could still use the Manchester ticket. He said I could not. After some back and forth, he told me I could cancel the whole ticket and book a new flight. He told me about the one at 13:40, I pointed out that I knew about that flight as I HAD A TICKET FOR IT. We cancelled and re-booked. He also told me I could only arrange a refund via email. I sent the email. I also filled in a claim on the website. A little while later, a call came to my phone from an Uzbek number. It was a woman ringing to give me a number to call to claim my refund. I wrote the number down and then called it. I got in to a hold queue and decided not to wait. When I looked at the number of the incoming call it was the same as the one the woman had given me. So she called to give me the number she was calling from for me to call to get the refund! A little while later, someone else called and they sorted the refund. The outstanding one from Emirates is still outstanding. But, I (hopefully) have a route home with only 24 hours at Istanbul airport.

My final activity on Friday was to meet two wonderful people at Ecorn. We made a video call to Mairi, too, so she was ‘there’ as well.

The government here is trying to encourage people to continue to be vigilant and sensible. They have sent out police and national guards to check hygiene methods are being observed at shops and markets. Also, the cars making announcements are back out.

And that is my last week (probably). It has been quite a ride. By next Saturday, I should be home home! I will let you know either way! Good Bye.

[kitsoa]

Update 3/20/20

I haven’t updated tumblr as much as twitter at this moment but just an update. On Sunday my school district announced temporary closing until April 3rd to respond to the current crisis. I spent Monday and Tuesday at work preparing the kids and for the past 2 days I’ve been handling as many affairs as possible. 

As I am an elementary music teacher, the extent of my work-from-home situation is rather mild. I was simply told to be available for communication during my work hours. K-2 doesn’t have Chromebooks and while 3-5 brought home their laptops for the first time ever, I did not sufficiently train them for any only resources that I could use during this remote engagement. That being said, I did devise ‘enrichment activities” for each grade level that was sent home along with other subjects to simply encourage a learning environment. It seems like a drop in the bucket, especially when there is suspicion that we are not coming back for the rest of the year.

I’ll be the first to tell you that I needed a break from the classroom. Teaching has been hard and I’ve been in survival mode for a while. But that’s what spring break is for. I was looking forward to driving ahead to the end and recouping in the summer with research, planning, and a better context. But this definitely wasn’t what I had in mind. 

I have been grappling with several layers of grief while befuddled with the surreal sensation permeating my entire life right now. Because I am not just a teacher who abruptly halted the tail end of her first year-- whose students are confused and resource-less and scattered out of structure. I’m a musician, with musician friends and cherished organizations suddenly and irrevocably out of work and out of an outlet. Three times a week I devote hours to 4 organizations.  A paid chorus that I serve as soloist and principal to, my church chorus currently preparing for holy week, my church bell choir that was going to perform last weekend, and my children’s choir which I co-direct and lead. Every single one of these commitments came to a halt practically overnight. As reports and mandates continued, my spring concerts got canceled and the possibility of my busiest gig-weekend of my entire year is now no longer likely. 

I am okay. I am supported by my salary from my teaching job which many of my friends cannot say the same. Alongside that sympathetic anguish beyond my own needs is this very oppressive sense of loss and uncertainty. “Making music together” is a dogma I tout to my students and live it through my joy of creating with those organizations. I take pride in knowing that many of my colleagues find fellowship in the exact same way and that we all work towards the same goal of lifting up our song, cherishing the past, and inviting innovation in our beautiful world. That has been suddenly taken from underneath us for that exact same reason. A little emotionally confusing to say the least.

It’s not like we’ll never get it back or that this event somehow damages the heart of those efforts. But alongside the fiscal damages to my industry, the pull toward congregation is maddening and palpable, more so than ever. We laugh at the fairweather opinions on being alone and isolation but I think it comes from a realization that these gatherings, these cornerstones of personal purpose-- they aren’t invincible constructs. I have always personally been okay with being by myself. I have many hobbies and projects that are isolated and precious to me. But I know it’s because I frequently exhaust my social needs through structured commitments with my social craft. Its absence now is glaring. 

I have touched little on the actual crisis itself. With my parents in at-risk demographics both in age and health concerns-- it’s been a battle with my swirl of emotions to act responsibly. I am refusing to visit them and that alone is a painful concept. But they are capable of bullheadedness and ignorance and right now my twin brother is the only aiding body in the house for them. He is prone to escapism and willful ignorance as he copes with stress. I want nothing more than their safety and health, along with anyone in those categories. It is surreal to see how this has transformed my world and will be a sight to see when we arrive on the other side. The synonymous feelings in the community alone are vivid and unforgettable. 

We just have to hope that we can be proud of ourselves when we do look back. 

--

So I will be writing and drawing soon. At least when my muses comeback. Stress is a toxic thing for creativity. So look forward to that. Please take care of yourself and your community. Drop me an ask if you want me to wax poetry or something. I am here for the foreseeable future.

#covidー19 #coronavirus #update #long post

[worddevdealswithml]

Side Effects Include: Empathy

Chapter 19:

Saturday felt inordinately long, possibly due to the fact that he’d almost died.  That said, for all it was hard to really maintain Kagami’s advice, the fact that he was at least moving towards something meant that he could leave behind the ennui he’d felt in the morning.

Moving towards something, in this case, meant that he’d contacted Nino, who had asked why he wanted to talk to Alya in person, and given the verbal equivalent of a shrug when Adrien had said he had some important questions she might have the answer to

Adrien got the impression that Nino was pretty sure he’d hear about it anyway.

In fairness, he probably would.

By Sunday, Adrien had already realized that it would have been simpler just to ask Alya to talk in person directly.  Of course, it was too late for that now, since Nino had already conveyed his request.

And simpler wasn’t the whole of it; Alya had sent a few questioning texts, which he frankly should have expected.

No, he couldn’t explain things now.  Yes, she’d have to wait until Monday.  Yes, he’d definitely be able to explain things in more detail then.  No, seriously, not yet.  Also, please don’t mention this to anyone until I’ve actually gotten the chance to talk to you.

Of course, the other issue he’d run up against…

The same one as ever.

He knew about Marinette’s crush on him.

He knew about his on her.

The only question he didn’t know was whether Alya knew about Marinette’s crush on him.

Of course, she probably did, but… The problem was, if Alya knew, she might conceal that she knew just so that if he didn’t know…

Alya definitely shouldn’t have known that he knew about Marinette liking him, which meant that because she didn’t know that he liked Marinette, she might hide that she knew that Marinette liked him, to avoid making things weird, except he did know that Marinette liked him, which meant that what he was really asking was whether she knew about Marinette’s crush on him, which meant that if he did use his empathy powers, the only question he’d be probing for an answer to was one that, if Alya had the whole story, she would want him to know the answer to.

Right?

So… He should use the empathy powers?

That was… That was what that meant, right?

He needed a diagram.

--

It was Monday, and Alya was filled with the low-level electric current she always got when she was following a lead.

Adrien Agreste, coming to talk to her, about something secret.

Now… If she was a suspicious girl, and she was, she’d say this might have something to do with the crush she was pretty sure Adrien had recently acquired on Marinette.

The problem, of course, was that, on the one hand, Marinette had been pining after Adrien for over a year, now, and it didn’t quite seem fair that he got to waltz in and get a free pass to be with her favorite girl in the city.

On the other hand, she didn’t exactly want to leave Marinette hanging any longer than she’d already been.

On the first hand again, if she pulled Adrien back a bit, he’d probably spring forward like a slingshot, directly into Marinette…  Metaphorically.

Actually, considering how often Marinette had tripped around him, maybe not metaphorically.

Ah, decisions.

She was faintly wobbling back and forth between the options, unclear on which of them she wanted to go with, when she arrived at school.

She leaned up against the wall outside the main entrance, and pulled out her phone.  She probably wouldn’t have much chance to work on it, but she had been planning a new article for the Ladyblog; a mostly joking article rating the odds of different people being Paris’ resident superheroes.

Adrien had a 7/10 to be Queen Bee.  The blond hair should have given it away instantly.

--

As Adrien stepped out of the car, he took a deep breath; he was going to have to be careful, but not so careful it crossed the line into cowardly.

Had it not been for the fact that he’d be asking for help with something that he knew was actively painful for her, he’d have wished that Kagami had been here to slap some of her trademark sense into him.

This was easy.  Alya was his friend, and she was Marinette’s friend.  Surely she’d be happy to help once she understood what was going on.

For a second, he wanted to just tell Alya that something had happened, and he didn’t need to talk to her anymore…

Except without Alya’s help, he didn’t know if he’d be able to talk to Marinette privately for a month, at best.

A second past, as the idea seeped into his head.

He felt his breathing speed up slightly.

He stepped forward.

“Alya.”

She froze, finger on her screen, seemingly typing, and looked up.

“Adrien?” she said, innocently.

“I…” he said.

“Mhm…?” she said, smiling.

He closed his eyes, putting a hand up to his face.

Why was this so difficult?  He wasn’t even talking to Marinette, yet.

“You had a question?”

His eyes flicked open, and his hand caught on her shoulder.

//

“It’s about Marinette.”

There was a certain satisfaction when he first made contact.  And now…

If satisfaction was a liquid, Alya is a rag that was just dropped into a bucket of it.

“Oh?”

Her expression is mild, but her mind is leaning luxuriantly back in an armchair, saying ‘go on?’

It’s all the information he needs.

//

He pulled his hand away, running his fingers through his hair.

“She likes me, doesn’t she?”

Alya’s smile seemed to split just a little wider.

“And what if she does… Agreste?”

She knew, and she was happy about it.  That meant… She knew… About Marinette.

“Good question…���  He said, and gritted his teeth.  “What about…  What if I like her?”

“Tossing around a lot of hypotheticals there, aren’t you?  I mean… If both of those were to be true, you’d just want to ask her out, wouldn’t you.  After all, if she, by some chance, liked you, she’d say yes.”

And that’s why needed the empathy powers, because…  That’s only a yes in context.

“And… Hypothetically, what if I almost never get the chance to talk to her alone?”

“Well… Have you considered getting locked in a cage at the zoo together?”

“And how exactly do you plan to have that happen?”

“Well, you can always text her.”

“Maybe…  That’s always a bit risky, though.”

Alya opened her mouth… And shut it.  “Your father monitors your texts?”

Adrien shrugged.  “Maybe?”

Alya let out a disdainful huff, and then shook her head.  “So…  You seem to be…  Excuse me, in that scenario, you would seem to be in a bit of a tricky situation.”

“Which is when I’d ask the person who knows her best for help.”

Alya raised her eyebrows, and the smile cracked wider.

“I’m listening.”

--

When both Adrien had come in simultaneously to first period, Marinette hadn’t thought anything of it. Just a coincidence.

When Alya had suggested they go eat in the park for lunch, Marinette had frankly thought it an excellent idea, and a fine change of pace.

When Alya had suggested they go again tomorrow, Marinette had readily agreed.

When tomorrow, which was to say, Tuesday, rolled around…

--

Some days, nothing seemed to go right.

--

As the hours of class before lunch went by, Marinette, when she wasn’t paying attention to class, was mostly idly contemplating the fact that Chat Noir hadn’t even come to visit. They went to the same school, but… Was he trying to make her forget about him, in the hope that it would keep her from connecting the identities if he introduced himself?  Or… Maybe he just hadn’t been up to it.

That was a sad thought. Of course, it was probably for the best that he didn’t visit too often, if for no other reason than that it was bad for her sleep schedule.

--

She wasn’t there, again.  It was a bad day when… She seemed to have a point.

--

Near the end of second period, her train of thought was derailed, when Nino had turned around.

“Hey, dudes, you mind if Adrien came along for lunch today?”

Alya had shrugged, but Marinette…

“Yes!”  She blinked.  “Ah- sorry, no.  I mean, no, I don’t mind.”

“Sick,” said Nino, turning back to Adrien, who had, of course, heard her.

“I guess my bodyguard doesn’t really mind me going places as long as I’m in a group,” said Adrien.  He sighed.  “Unfortunately, Nathalie and my father don’t share his trust in you.”

Adrien had turned back to the front, but he must have noticed Marinette blushing.

--

There was nothing to talk about.  Of course there was nothing to talk about; there was never anything to talk about with her.  No matter what she did, there was nothing to talk about.

All she wanted was for her to acknowledge it.  That would be enough.

--

Marinette laughed.  “Seriously, Alya?  A picnic blanket?”

“It seemed appropriate.”

“I mean… It sure is.”

Marinette gathered up her supplies.

The day was looking good.

She was going for what was basically just a picnic with her friends.  Adrien would be there.  Realistically, she didn’t know that she could hope for a better day.

“Is it new?”

Alya laughed.  “Not quite.  My mom’s been saying we should do a picnic one of these weekends, but this time of year there’s always a lot of stuff to do, so we haven’t gotten the chance.  We managed it last year, though.”

They made it to the bottom of the stairs.

“Maybe we should make this a regular thing.  I only came up with the idea because…” Alya laughed.  “Never mind.”

“No, no, I’m curious.”

Alya laughed.  “Well, I’ll put it this way; I’m doing a favor for a friend, and it got me thinking about picnics.”

“What kind of favor involves picnics?”

“Hey!” said Alya, by way of greeting Nino and Adrien.

Oh, of course, he was wearing the hat again, and now there were sunglasses.

Adrien waved, smiling.

Marinette… Couldn’t see his eyes, but for a second, she thought he was looking at her with that smile.

They made it to the front door.

The sun was shining, the air was fresh.

Marinette took a deep breath.

Lovely.

As they crossed the street, Alya was already preparing to unfurl the blanket.  “Now…  I’m thinking somewhere in the shade…” Her eyes darted around, before catching on… “There…”

It was a bit farther, but, Marinette had to admit, it was extremely scenic.

If she was honest, it put her in mind of…

She stifled the impulse to think about romantic dates.  She had already reacted a bit too hard when Adrien had been asking to come along, and if she kept that up…

It was like she’d been thinking, back home; she needed to keep her expectations low, both so that she didn’t get disappointed, and so that she could talk properly.

The blanket was laid out, and Marinette and Adrien were already sitting down, when Alya froze.

“Hold on.”

They stopped.

“Ah, no, not you two. Hey, Nino?”

“Yeah?”

“We were planning to study science earlier, right?”

“Uh…  Yeah, maybe?  I think I remember what you’re talking about, yeah.”

“I’m thinking… if we don’t go and do that now, we probably won’t get to before class…”

“No, I don’t think so.”

“And we probably won’t be able to do any studying out here…”

Nino seemed to be getting the gist of things, and started standing up.

Marinette was giving Alya a suspicious look.

Alya just flashed her a grin, and winked.

“You two can pack up the blanket when you’re done, right?”

“I… I’m not used to folding things, but I’ll try?” said Adrien.

“Oh, trust me, Marinette can show you how.”

“And you’d better be able to make it against next time we do one of these, dude,” said Nino.  “I haven’t gotten to do anything with you in way too long.”

“I’ll see what I can do.”

And…

“Did they just… Leave, us, here?”

Adrien nodded, slowly. “I think they did.”

“Alya…” muttered Marinette.  On the one hand, she was flattered that Alya was trying to do this for her, but on the other hand, she had to know by now that Marinette was so much better at talking to Adrien in a group.

Wait.  ‘A favor for a friend.’  Had Alya been planning this from the start?

She leaned back.

--

“Wouldn’t you like to wake up, and find out that all of this was nothing but a bad dream?  Wouldn’t you-

--

It hadn’t quite hit her that it was just her and Adrien here, yet, but when it hit…

“So, Marinette,” said Adrien-

There it was.

She managed to stifle the gasp as her brain caught up fully with her surroundings.

She was on a picnic blanket, alone, with Adrien Agreste.

She’d had dreams like this, but reality had never cooperated until-

“It’s been, what, just over two years since we met?”

“Ah…  Y-yeah.  Yeah it has.”

He laughed, pulling the glasses away.  “It’s… Kind of strange, you know?  I feel like I should have known you for way longer…  And, at the same time, like the past two years have gone by so quickly.”

She let out a nervous chuckle.  “W- Well, I’m sure that villains attacking Paris could make everything a bit… surreal.”

“That’s true.  And, of course, I’ve never gone to school before, which has been a lot of new stuff.”

“Yeah…”  Marinette needed to contribute to this conversation somewhere. That was how conversations worked, after all.

“You’ve… You’ve made a lot of friends,” she supplied, “that must be nice, right?”

“Yeah…” he said, staring off into the distance.  “it’s… It’s a funny thing about friends though.”  He pulled the hat away.  “Sometimes, when you call someone a friend, you’re missing something important. Something that you need to realize.”

Marinette blinked.

Adrien turned to her.

“Marinette?”

“Y—” She cleared her throat. “Yes?”

He opened his mouth to respond, and-

The world seemed to melt, almost.

She groaned.  “What?”

He stood up, and swayed, strangely.  “Something’s wrong.”

“I… Yeah.  Yeah it is.”

Everything was there, but…   Nothing was right.

#ML #Miraculous Ladybug #ML Fanfic #Side Effects Include: Empathy

[jackednephi]

So now that I've had some time to recuperate from a weekend of Doing Things every single day and I'm awake and can focus thanks to meds

Sunday was the last full day my parents were up here. They left 6 am Monday because the drive back to my older brother's was like a solid 12 hours or so and they have doctor appointments they have to attend. They'll visit my younger brother in Utah at some point but whatever. Point is they went to sacrament meeting with me and met a lot of the people I've come to love. They get why I don't want to switch wards unless I have to

As you all know, I'm moving about half an hour away from where I'm living currently in the next few weeks. I could easily switch wards to one closer but I did the math and it's only a few more minutes (five to ten) from my new place to where I currently go to church. There's one that's literally five minutes from my current apartment but I go like 20 minutes out of my way to attend this specific ward. Why?

Well a year ago when I moved up into the area, I decided a fresh start was what I needed. I'd try going to church again and do my best to lift where I stand. I'm physically disabled and unable to drive so I'm stuck at home. I knew I'd need friends and a support system and figured it was high time I got my act together spiritually since I'd handled my queerness, mental health, and disability already. I'd run into the elders unpacking my uhaul and took that as an Answer to my prayers about if I should go back or not. My first week back was fast Sunday and I got up and introduced myself. I made it perfectly clear that I'm queer and struggling

The response I have gotten was radical inclusion, complete acceptance and love. My bishop's son is gay so he has a unique perspective. Everyone just accepts my gender expression even if they don't Get It and nobody says anything when I mentioned having dated various genders when I bring up life examples in lessons. They call me by my chosen name and I consider them my church family. I'm still completely silent about being polyamorous but I'm slowly coming out of my shell and I've experienced nothing but gentle love and complete acceptance

I have NO idea if this would be the case anywhere else and I don't have it in me to risk trying. It's hard enough being called Sister and sitting in relief society where I definitely do not belong. They're little hurts I can endure but I don't think I could do more. It was a struggle with one particular family (who has since moved) calling me my birth name and I was too shy to correct more than a few times or meekly as a joke. Just because even after a year I have no way of knowing who's love and acceptance is conditional upon me being an Acceptable Queer

My mother didn't quite get it until she experienced everyone's warmth for herself. Nobody knew who my parents were, if they were visiting or permanent, and they all warmly introduced themselves and welcomed my parents to the ward the way they had my very first meeting. She saw how much gentleness and acceptance there was to go around and why I'd be loathe to leave such a sweet home. Like the place feels like one of those cozy branches where it's you, two other families, and one set of missionaries. She was impressed that the bishop himself came to greet them within moments of walking in the doors

I forget where I was going with that. I got interrupted partway through. Anyway

Elder Zeller had finally come back from his mission. He'd served in the Fukuoka area where my parents live but they'd never crossed paths. My mother knows the mission president's wife and sent her a message about seeing him in church. It was his first Sunday back and his younger brother's last Sunday before going to the MTC and heading off to the Kobe area mission. So two brothers with Japan missions, me having lived in Japan for six years, and my parents visiting from Japan. All in one sacrament meeting

I'll admit I didn't pay much attention to the younger brother's talk all that much. I'd welcomed Elder Zeller home in Japanese and he was delighted to have someone who could understand him. From what I could tell though the jet lag at least

Anyway he was talking about one sister who had all kinds of hard questions. About why she should worry about something arbitrary like "happiness" when there were hungry children who needed God more. Why he didn't just intervene and take away suffering if he existed. Super concerned for other people and stubborn with her questions until she was finally baptized. Then about a brother who attended every day for two years before getting baptized because he was anxious about the process, most notably speaking at his baptism to others because he had a fear of public speaking. The point was about how we have to take a leap of faith in order to be rewarded blessings and I felt like that was meant for me about continuing to attend regularly

Then he bore his testimony in Japanese. I didn't expect that and started crying because it had been, oh I don't know, seven years? Or so? Since I'd heard Japanese spoken in church. He had greeted us (and I did the greeting back without thinking about it whoops) but I hadn't expected him to Speak speak

It was what you could call a primary testimony. But here I was hearing it in a language I hadn't heard in person in church in years. I started going to an asian market to be less homesick trying desperately to hear anything spoken at all. A language I continue to study and work hard to understand as much as I possibly can. A beautiful, nuanced language I can barely speak anymore for lack of people to practice with

And the meaning was a bit more nuanced than in English. There are words that mean a couple things that he used. One was a word that can me heart, soul, or (spirit) essence depending on context and can be translated differently according to individual translator. Because I knew what this word means, I knew that him saying "I know in my [kokoro] this is true" he was saying all these at once in a way you can't in English. The beauty of his words were indescribable

I ended up bawling my eyes out in the back of the chapel, just a waterfall of snot down my face choked sobs. My poor parents thought something was wrong but it was just so moving. I couldn't tell you what he said exactly but I know what he meant. I know he talked about the truth of the gospel, being grateful for his experiences, and what it meant to him. The spirit of his words were overwhelming

But I also understood the words. And they were so beautiful

I ended up thanking him after service. I'll admit I didn't expect to just lose my mind and end up holding my face just crying my eyes out. But the love was so thick you could have cut the air

It was like he was talking directly to me. I was the only one who could understand him. And the sweet feeling of "this is where I need you to be" was so overwhelming all I could do was sit there and sob and hope I didn't make too much noise and disturb people from his testimony

Anyway that's the thing I wanted to tell you guys about what happened Sunday. My dad gave my husband and I blessings and those were lovely. The comforting hug to be told that I could get through anything so long as I asked was amazing. It was helpful to be told to take my husband to the doctor which has definitely been excellent guidance

But Sunday was lovely and the highlight was the testimony Elder Zeller gave

#long post #text heavy

[mysticsparklewings]

Sweet Ohuhu Snail

This artwork is now available as a free Coloring Page!

____

Finally, some hints of new supplies I was mentioning a while ago have manifested into a piece of art. :D

This is sort of a follow-up to my Ohuhu Brush Marker Review, as back in October, Ohuhu released a 72 set of the brush markers, and naturally, I was very curious to see the 24 new colors for myself. (And I have a bit of a story about how this set arrived to me that I'll get into momentarily.)

Spoiler alert that my thoughts on the markers themselves as a product haven't changed; they're still really nice alcohol markers for the roughly $1 per marker price tag. I'd still love to see yet more colors and additional consumer features like open-stock markers, refills, replacement nibs, etc. But overall, as I said last time and I will continue to say, I really wish these had been around a few years ago when I was first getting into alcohol markers, despite the few shortcomings they have. Aside from color selection (which I'll address further later), they're an excellent beginner alcohol marker set if you want brush tips.

But before I get into the specifics of this set and the foreseeable future (as Ohuhu just recently announced another brush tip set on the horizon), I shall tell you the (long-ish) story of how I ended up with the 72 set in the first place:

Back in November, Ohuhu put a post up in their "Top Fan Group" on Facebook, which I joined on a whim after being recognized as a Top Fan a few times by that point. This post said the following:

Hi Ohuhu Friends, Ohuhu.com is going to open the SHOP function to several products soon, so you can buy the products directly on www.ohuhu.com then. Before the shopping cart is officially public to the customers, we need 3-5 volunteers to help us test this SHOP function. 🗒️What we need are some inputs regarding How is your experience with our website, and Is the purchase process smooth? What problems have you encountered while shopping on the website etc？(We will have the conversation by DM.) 🚨The tester should be based within the continental USA. As a thank you, we will give you a free set of markers, just let us know which pack do you want via DM.📷 Thank you! Put your hands up if you would like to help us with this in the comment zone! (We will randomly choose 3-5 person within a week.)

[For context, previously you could only purchase Ohuhu's products through Amazon.com] Me, being both the frugally minded and skeptical person that I am, saw the post and immediately latched on to the "free set of markers" mentioned. (My instinct said it was probably a choice from a pre-selected list of some kind.) I was curious and figured, based on what was said, that 1. I might not even get chosen, 2. Even if I did, surely they would explain the process to me and I could then gracefully bow out if it didn't sound right to me. And so I cautiously commented as instructed. Within a few days, I was contacted by a representative and I found out through communication with them that the way this would work is that us volunteers would place orders through the website for any product, let them know of any issues or feedback we had during the process, and then once the order was placed we would provide the representative with our order number and be refunded. Likewise, if all did indeed go according to plan, this sounded like a great way to get my hands on the new 72 brush marker set, which previously I had figured I wouldn't get for a while as my 48 set has been serving me very well since August with no issues. (And it kinda didn't make sense to me to turn around and order a new set that would give me 48 duplicate colors so quickly.) I've seen a LOT of horror stories about shopping online, I watch too many "drama community" videos on Youtube that often talk about sketchy websites and scams, and so throughout this entire process I was nervous, saving "receipts" (screenshots and the like to the uninformed) where I could, and generally expecting something, anything to go horribly wrong at any second. Despite Ohuhu being a fairly reputable company at this point and having only ever heard good things about their customer service. Still, Ohuhu has made enough of a name for themselves that I hoped they'd know better than to intentionally scam their customers. If word got out to the many YouTubers covering their products, they'd have a PR nightmare on their hands. (And I also had to remind myself that the art community as a whole is not the Youtube Makeup Community; generally speaking, the art community isn't as...well, dramatic. At least not when it comes to art supply companies and scamming costumers. I'm not saying it never happens, I'm just saying I don't think it happens nearly as often as when shiz goes down in the YMC.) Naturally, this means I had some questions I wanted to be crystal clear about before making any purchases of any kind. Namely, I specifically asked to make sure I was reading correctly that once the order was placed and I gave my order number that I would be receiving a refund, and if said refund would be just for the purchase price of the product ($69.99 in this case) or if it would include the shipping cost (about $5-$6 dollars) as well. The answers to which were yes and the refund would be for the total cost including shipping. I also wanted to know approximately how long it would take for the refund to go through. The answer was within 5 days. So everything up to this point seemed to check out. I was still skeptical (this is what the internet has done to me) but I was 80% sure it would be okay, and the payment would be through PayPal, so if something went wrong I could file a claim over there and provide my evidence and hopefully at least get the money back if nothing else. I'll also note that I did notice 1-2 minor bugs on the website while in the checkout process, which I informed the representative of as I was supposed to, but I honestly wouldn't have noticed them if I hadn't been trying my best to really test the website and live up to my "job" in this situation. If I had just gone through the checkout process as I normally would have with no hesitation, I wouldn't have seen the bugs at all. I was genuinely surprised by how smooth and polished the website experience was; I was expecting much buggy/glitchier, considering that they were asking for test volunteers. And the two bugs I did notice were pretty minor things that really don't break or ruin the shopping experience. So I went through with the purchase, gave the representative my order number, and hoped for the best. I immediately received an order confirmation email that told me I'd be able to track the shipment within 1-3 business days. The order was placed late on a Thursday night, so I figured I wouldn't be hearing anything else until Monday at the very earliest. (As here in the States, Saturday and Sunday usually don't count as "business days") Much to my surprise though, that Sunday the representative I'd previously spoken with reached out to me asking if I'd been able to check out the tracking feature yet. So I explained that I'd gotten the confirmation email but no tracking email yet, and that I also didn't see a way to enter my order number on the website to track the order if I (as I had) checked out as a guest. (It did appear if I had made an account that the order number would've been saved to my account and I could've potentially tracked it that way.) But again, I hadn't expected anything until Monday, so I wasn't too concerned anyway. Sure enough, the next morning I had my tracking email and everything seemed to be in order; it even baffled me by saying the shipment was expected to arrive the very next day. I thought I was surely reading something wrong or maybe it needed a little while to re-calculate or something, but I kept an eye on and it didn't change its mind. And low and behold, it was a little later in the day, but the markers were indeed delivered that Tuesday! I eagerly got them open and gave them a good once-over just to make sure everything seemed right at first glance, as I knew to swatch them all out and get a more in-depth look was going to take at least a few hours. But I was quite relieved; we'd made it this far with no hiccups, now I just needed the refund to come through and we'd be right as rain. Miraculously, two days later the representative reached out to me yet again to tell me that the refund had been sent. And wouldn't you know it; the official PayPal email was sitting in my inbox waiting to tell me so! So in the end, things turned out pretty great. Ohuhu got their website tested, and I got my markers without a hitch. It did seem a little weird to me, the whole premise, but I assume they budgeted for this in the same way a company might do giveaways or budget for advertising, maybe even like some companies do for PR packages to influencers. And, realistically, it does kind of make sense that the best way to test your online shop (and by extension, in this case, the refund process) would be to have actual customers do it. Either way, it worked out well for me, so I can't really complain.

Once the markers arrived to me, I was very happy to see that Ohuhu is now including a colorless blender in their sets, in addition to the 48 or 72 colors. A colorless blender is one of the things that I said last time would've been nice to have (though not a necessity as you could easily go out and purchase say a Copic, Prismacolor, or another brand of Colorless Blender to compensate) and personally I love that it's 48 + the CB or 72 + CB, instead of counting the colorless blender as one of the colors you get, which is what I've most commonly seen other brands do. It's a small detail, but for some reason, I can't seem to get over it.

One of the things I was most curious about in swatching though was that, I assume as a response to me and many others that mentioned we wanted them, in the marketing for the 72 set Ohuhu seemed to really be trying to push that there were more pastel colors.

After actually having and swatching the markers for myself, I'd say about 7-8 of the colors are what I'd call true pastels. There are some beautiful new colors (R13 Clematis, in particular, might be my favorite Ohuhu color now and I LOVE the Green Grays they added) but there weren't as many pastels as I was hoping for, and personally I was hoping for some more pale pinks/peaches that would work well for lighter skin tones. Maybe some yellows since I felt we were kind of lacking those too.

And originally, I was a little...disappointed isn't totally accurate, but it's the best word I have.

However! I'm inclined to be a little more forgiving as just last week, Ohuhu announced they'd be releasing a 24-color skin tone set, which (although I'm withholding major judgment until I have the markers in-hand just like last time) is looking to hopefully be some of the pale pinks and light skin tone colors, maybe even a few yellows, that I was hoping for. We'll have to wait to see the colors in person, but using their digital swatches as a [very] rough guideline, the new colors look like they could be pretty promising.

The only thing I'm a little disappointed about at this point is that 5 of the skin tone colors will be duplicates, but at the same time, after seeing which colors are duplicates, it kind of makes sense just in case someone wants to buy the skin tones and doesn't have the 48 or 72 set, which I'm sure does happen. Just like I'm sure people buy, for example, the skin tone sets from Copic or Winsor and Newton to supplement other sets.

Still, though, this continues to support the idea to me that Ohuhu is really trying to listen to what fans of the brand are asking for; People asked for brush nibs and took a little while but we got them, we asked for pastel colors and they at least tried to address that, and now we've asked for skin tones and it looks like they're going to address that, too.

Naturally, after all of the above, I had to make some art to give the markers a go beyond swatching and to talk about all of this with you, my lovely Sparklers.

So I ended up drawing this cute little snail inspired by a picture I saw over on Pinterest.

I don't know if he thinks he's going to eat that berry or if he's just smelling it, or maybe he thinks it's just pretty (I used the aforementioned R13 in the shading for the berries), but it makes me happy to look at all the same.

Originally I had planned to try and only use the new colors to really show them off, and I did use a fair amount of them, but I felt just a little too limited so I did open up to the full 72 set. But I did use all only my new markers and not the markers from the 48 set I already had, so...

Maybe it's still fair?

I also tried some texturing on the...mushroom? branch? rock? he's sitting on, and while I don't think it looks the best close-up, from further away I think it worked out pretty well.

Similarly to the crab I drew for the 48 marker set though, I wanted a more interesting background than just plain white. After some consideration, I decided my best option would be to mix my green and yellow PanPastels. So I did.

Unfortunately, I exposed a couple of very noticeable fingerprints doing that and I ended up getting pastel dust all over the drawing so my black lines got greyed out a bit.

I fixed the fingerprints by adding some intentional ones for the sake of balance and in the name of visual texture, and I fixed the lines by going back over most of them and a little post-editing after I scanned the drawing in.

Other than that, my observations about the Ohuhu markers remain the same as last time. They blend and layer really nicely (especially, as I've observed recently is the case with most alcohol markers, with thicker paper) and the colors they do provide are really vibrant and fun.

I do still hope the new skin tone colors live up, that yet even more colors are coming, and I'll repeat that I'd still love to seem them add consumer comforts of being able to buy individual markers, refill inks, and replacement nibs. But all of that may come in time, and even so, I think they're very recommendable for alcohol markers.

I'm also really happy with how my little snail turned out just as an art piece; this whole thing is just really really cute to me.

Now I just have to wait with bated breath for the USA launch (they've already launched in Canada) of those skin tone markers and hope they're not too expensive so I can get them right away :P

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Artwork © me, MysticSparkleWings

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Where to find me & my artwork: My Website | Commission Info + Prices | Ko-Fi | dA Print Shop | RedBubble | Twitter | Tumblr | Instagram

[thegreatlibraryfangirl]

FAN WEEK IS NEARLY HERE FUCK

tumblr search is a pile of shite and I can’t find my own previous fan week posts, so ... time to make another one ...

I am still being ambitious because ALMOST NOTHING IS WRITTEN HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

but here we go anyway:

(Prequel: Saturday (hopefully) I will post the first chapter of my Inserting Dario’s Migraines Into Canon fic. (I hate titles what should I call it fuck) Then post the next two chapters over the next few days. Possibly add a Smoke and Iron chapter, but that’s not even started yet)

Sunday Ephemera

Nope.  Epistolary fiction isn’t my strong point, though I love reading it. Maybe i’ll be inspired to do some K/d sexting, who knows. But expect nothing from me for this day.

(Weekend will be spent trying to sort out migraine fic and Ships Day, and scheduling BTS, and hopefully writing Thomas and Glain ... oh god)

Monday Ships

What I want to post: a second chapter to Negotiations that’s Khalila/Dario: little bit of debrief but mainly schmoopy sex. Got about 1k written, and I know how I want it to go. 

Whatever I manage of that, I’ll post on tumblr for you to see, but not ao3 unless it’s finished.

What I will probably post: that Khalila/Anit/Dario headteacher detention roleplay that I have almost completely finished. 

What I will also (re)post: My poor little Jess/Dario fic that has half the views of any of my other fics PLEASE LOVE IT.

If everything goes perfectly, ALL OF THE ABOVE

Tuesday Neglected Characters (Glain and Thomas especially)

This is the one I’m least prepared for, but also desperately want to do. 

Hopefully, this will be Thomas and Glain, in the gym, working through some of their issues by beating shit up in a controlled structured way. Will definitely contain my ‘Glain has brain damage’ headcanon. Hoping and praying it will be more than 2k. Current wordcount: Zero.

When the fuck will i write this?? at the weekend? at work? idk but it WILL happen. Who needs sleep?????

Also @scholar-may has sent me a 3-sentence Thomas/Jess prompt, so I’ll probably pop that on tumblr too :D

Wednesday Languages

This will be a bit of meta along the same lines as my languages post, when I go through all the books and find every single foreign swearword and tell you what they mean and, as best I can, how ‘strong’ a swearword it actually is within the context of that language.

This may, depending on timings, simply be ‘Here’s Ink and Bone’s result, more to follow,’ we’ll see. 

Thursday AUs

i hadn’t planned to do anything specifically for this day, but a few ideas that have started to occur are:

Completely giving in and putting all my Santi/Dario Sin onto ao3 as a collection of snippets.

A scene or two from my HP AU (which is set vaguely in the ‘Fantastic Beasts and where to find them’ era and doesn’t particularly involve Hogwarts although I am debating having Jess and Morgan both be Slytherin (I think Jess would put himself there and Hat would put Morgan there - I think they’d both just as nicely fit in Gryffindor but Slytherin’s interesting #MORGANASHEIROFSLYTHERIN)

Modern university AU. Proooobably consisting entirely of Khalila/Dario. Surprising nobody. 

Friday Challenge 

Nope, nothing actually challenging from me, I don't have the brain for it atm. I’ll aim to post/finish anything here that I didn’t manage earlier. 

And write Saturday’s readthrough ...

Saturday Behind the Scenes

I will do another P&F readthrough if it kills me.   

I’ve got a rambling little thing about the changing roles of collars (in relation to armbands) in the Library thanks to the treatment of Obscurists, and also how that ties into Scholar D/s because of course, that I just need to polish a bit and schedule. 

And, it’s been a while since I’ve talked about certain things to do with the way that I view Khalila/Dario (I used to tag them as the ‘War Couple’ and there’s a reason for that) so, that’ll probably happen. 

And who knows, maybe I’ll come up with something on the day. I’m at a kinkfest that day, so probably the Khalila/Dario Kink and Bone thoughts will be flowing. 

#Tota Est Opus Fanaticum #am i spelling that right idk #the great library fan week #my wips