#this whole summer has been nonstop and I’m not handling it well lol | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

sanctuary95 · 6 years

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Here we go Again.

7/31/2018

I’m back! And the cycle has started once again... An awesome summer coming to a screeching halt as I depart to West Virginia tomorrow. Depression and sadness fill my body... But this will be a good challenge to learn how to cope with that or learn how to get that out of my system. On one hand, I feel good because I’m putting myself in challenging situations and getting stronger and learning by the second. But in the other, I feel that this challenge is too drastic and it may impact my mental health wayyy too much. It's risky.

This summer I had my very first internship experience... I feel so unprofessional because I crushed HARD on a co-worker. I hate that sometimes I can be too much of a hopeless romantic and feel like I can’t control my emotions. I wanted to be strictly professional and focus on my first internship experience. But the thought of him ALWAYS clouded my mind and engulfed my thoughts. Why am I like this? Why do I let my feelings take so much control of me? Or why are my romantic feelings so overwhelming? I seriously think it is just the person I am. When I crush, I crush hard... But is that a good thing? Is that a sign of immaturity still though? I want to feel like it is a good thing.

So moving on to my little summer shenanigans, there was this guy at work who was a delivery driver. ( I can’t wait to look back at this and feel silly because I had a huge crush on this guy lol... it always happens). I am going to call him Ber for the sake of things. When I was first introduced to him I didn’t really think anything of him. But when I spoke to him and he told me that he was Dominican, then it was a bit different. I was put to do a ride-along with him in his truck and that's when everything changed. When he started holding his truck door open for me so I could get in is when I started looking at him differently. We vibed soo much and I felt extremely comfortable around him. I even started to feel an attraction towards him. That day was June 29th. But he told me his age and he was 13 years older than me at this time ( 35 years old). AND he has a 16-year-old daughter.. smh. But after he told me that the attraction stayed! It kind of made liking him a little bit more fun actually.

More details on the ride-along on June 29th... It is kind of crazy because I cannot recall much of it. That day was a Friday and I actually spent the WHOLE weekend thinking about him NONSTOP. I remember we flirted a bit but nothing too crazy.

Then we had an encounter on July 12th. I had to observe him because he was a top 3 contender for truck departure. So I went in the van and met him at his stops. This time the attraction was prevalent as soon as I spoke to him and I think he felt the same way. I remember at one of the first stops I was just looking at his smile and focused more on his features. I thought he was very attractive. At one of his stops, there were guys flirting with me and he made comments about it... dique why wouldn't they flirt with you, “mira tu piel y tu pelo bueno” Hahaha if only he knew! But when he said those comments I felt something as well. What attracted me a lot to him I feel like was his discreteness. He didn’t once tell me directly, I like you or I find you very attractive, it was felt. ALOT. By his actions.

Same with me, I never once openly told him how attracted I was to him, it was just known. After that stop, my van broke down. The way he handled it also told me that he was flirting and was attracted to me as well. As he was leaving he was saying something in his truck and I told him to call me because I could not make out what he wanted to say to me. He called me and told me to not start drinking and stuff since I had to wait at a bar for the mechanic to come. I told him he left me all by myself and he said “ trust me I would rather sit there with you having a couple of drinks and take on a date, but I have to do these stops.” HA... man, I replayed those words soo many times over and over again. I was soo happy. BUT he never asked me out outside of work.. so I think he was seeing another girl and just enjoyed flirting with me at work and stuff.

Then we had another encounter on July 26th, my second to last day at work. But I do not want to speak too many details on it, I just want to focus on the scope of things. We had more silent moments and the intense spark was not as prevalent. But I think that was more on my part because I was being quiet and distant. Something about his energy made me feel that way.. and when he mentioned that he did not pack his lunch because he stayed at a friend’s house last night let me know that he was seeing someone else. I noticed that when he would refer to a friend that was a boy he would say “boys” house. Nevertheless, we had a good conversation.. We found out we both had lived in Lawrence, Ma and we had the same birthday, 12/18.. Go figure!

BUT moral of said story.. he never asked me out.. so again I think he was seeing someone. It was a very intense attraction I had with him. And I was dying to explore more about his lifestyle.. But I am kind of glad we never took things further because it would have just been bad.. probably really bad. I hope I can stop crushing sooooo hard for people in the future! But I did hope that maybe we could have something, so I could get that out of my system now and have the experience and wisdom for future circumstances... With this being said.. FAREWELL to my “work bae”. I wish you the best in all of your future endeavors, and hopefully, I left a good unforgettable impression on you. ;)

to be continued..maybe..maybe not.

Side Note: This felt soo good to let out and put it into words.. WOW, now my mind doesn't have to be suffocated by this since I am letting it out..

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