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henshengs · 3 years

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About Rule 63 fanworks

I was asked yesterday to elaborate on my genderbend opinions, as a trans person, which I’m happy to do, and I’ve thought about it a bit today to make sure I’m not saying something off the cuff and not thought through. Still, this is a sensitive, complicated topic, and I’m open to discussion on it.

This also got long, so I’m putting it under a cut.

So, obviously I can’t speak for all trans people. No minority group is a monolith in our opinions and this is particularly the case for the transgender community because our experiences are so very diverse and individual.

I am very rarely hurt or offended by genderbends/genderswaps/rule 63 fanworks. I know people for whom this is not the case, and I believe the pain involved is very real. The thing is... living in this world is inherently kinda painful when you’re trans. This world’s not built for us. All kinds of random things can cause me pain throughout my day. Store mannequins. My own reflection. Lesbian poetry. Pictures of other trans people. When something triggers my dysphoria or feelings of alienation, I have to stop, acknowledge the feeling, and then consider whether the thing is, outside of hurting me, contributing to the ignorance of and hatred of people like me by its very existence.

I don’t think the basic act of asking, “What if this character who is a cis man, was a cis woman instead?” does that. I think if anything, it opens the door to then ask “what if he was a trans man? Or a trans woman? Or nonbinary?”

Asking “what if this story was about a cis woman” lets cis women talk about their experiences and see themselves in stories, something I think is valuable! and also can lead to stories exploring sexism and misogyny, things which affect all trans people too!

In the rest of this post I’m going to use the terms “rule 63″ and “genderswap” to refer to the act of creating a fanwork changing a cis/presumed cis man to a cis or not-specified-to-be-trans woman, because this is the vast majority of the work under that label, because most fictional heroes and iconic characters are cis men, and because people who create cis man->trans woman or cis woman->trans man content, in my experience, usually use terms like “trans headcanon” instead.

(A lot of rule 63 fanworks don’t explicitly specify that the now-female character is cis. We can presume that most artists aren’t even thinking about the possibility of the character being trans, but we can presume that for 99.99% of all art, anywhere. It’s not a unique evil of rule 63.)

The claims that rule 63 is inherently transphobic, rather than just something where it’s good to be extra careful to avoid transphobia, as far as I’ve seen, use two arguments: A) that making the character a cis woman is wasting an opportunity to make them a trans person, and this is transphobic, and B) that rule 63 fan art is gender essentialist and cissexist, because it ties gender to physical characteristics.

Argument A doesn’t hold up for me,

because couldn’t one then say that reimagining an abled white cis character as an abled white trans woman is racist and ableist? that reimagining them as an abled trans woman of color is ableist? No transformative reimagining can cover every identity. We say “write what you know” and talk about Own Voices, and that includes cis women who want to write about the experience they know.

It’s also not fair to tell trans people that we must always think about trans experiences, even in our fiction. A lot of the time we don’t want to have to write or think about dysphoria and discrimination and we want to live in the heads of cis characters or even just characters whose AGAB is not mentioned!

And it is also, imo, not a great idea to pressure people who may not be educated about trans experiences to write about trans characters just because they want to explore sexism or write about lesbians.

many, many trans people first begin exploring their gender identity through creating cis rule 63 content, because it’s ‘safer’ than directly engaging with trans content.

With argument B, I agree that a lot of rule 63 art looks like this

and this sucks. To me, though, it’s important that it’s not the genderswap aspect that makes it suck. Artists who do this are also designing original characters with sexist, gender essentialist designs. Artists who don’t draw sexist art in general, also don’t draw sexist rule 63.

(yes, I know She-Hulk is not a rule 63 of regular Hulk. But you guys know the kind of art I’m talking about.)

I’ve also noticed a genre of fanfic that’s like, “if these characters were girls, they’d be sensible and conflict avoidant and none of the plot would happen!” or “what if these violent, tragic male characters were Soft Lesbians who braided each others’ hair” and again, I assume these authors write canonical women the same way. The genderswap part isn’t the bad part, the sexism is.

Non-sexist rule 63 actually, in my opinion, fights gender essentialism and cissexism. When a character is exactly the same except for the ways a gender essentialist world has shaped and pressured them based on their AGAB, that’s a strong statement on the constructed nature of gender!

But the argument that making /any/ change is gender essentialist, is... I understand where it’s coming from. I am a trans person who presents androgynously and I am a hypervisible freak because of it. I would love to live in a society where visible gender markers weren’t a thing! Unfortunately, we don’t live in that society. We live in one where we are constantly under pressure to conform to one of two profiles. There are almost no gender non conforming male characters in popular media. And changing a gender conforming cis man into a gender conforming cis woman seems to me to be a neutral action at worst. Not to mention characters from historical canons, who would be under a ton of pressure to conform.

For physical body type characteristics... 65% of all speaking roles in Hollywood are cis and male. It’s harder to get statistics on other forms of media, but it’s undeniable that overall, most stories are told about cis men who do not have breasts or wide hips. Changing the story to be about a cis woman who has those features is introducing more diversity!

I typed “rule 63″ and “genderswap” into the tumblr search bar today, and I saw a lot of art of women with a variety of aesthetics and body shapes and characteristics, who looked like people I’d see out at the mall.

Again, I sure do wish we lived in a post gender society. But we don’t, and in our society, everyone, myself included, looks at a picture of a person and gender categorizes them based on appearance. It is not wrong for someone to draw “Geralt the Witcher as a hot butch woman” and give her some physical markers generally agreed upon to denote ‘butch woman’ rather than ‘gender conforming man’ to tell the viewer that that is what they have drawn. Just as it is not wrong to draw “my OC who is a hot butch woman who fights monsters” and give her those markers.

Finally, both arguments against genderswaps are, in my opinion, flawed because they implicitly posit the act of creating fanworks of the original, cis male gender conforming character design, as neutral. I think this is incorrect. I think that if you’re going to argue that drawing a cis male character as a cis woman is transphobic, you have to also argue that drawing the character as a cis man is transphobic. But I’ve only seen people do this when a trans headcanon becomes extremely popular in a fandom.

Again, I’m just one person. I’m also biased, because firstly, as I mentioned, rule 63 doesn’t usually trigger my dysphoria; secondly, I almost always come down on the side of “don’t limit what people can explore in fiction; ask them to explore it more sensitively or with more content warnings instead.”

I definitely encourage creators to seek out and listen to a variety of trans opinions. But this is mine: I love rule 63, I make a lot of it myself, and I think if no one created it we’d lose something awesome.

At the end of the day, what I really want is more trans content*, but I’d rather have cis rule 63 than just stories about cis men.

Also: I personally have nothing against the terms genderswap or genderbend. I don’t think it reinforces the gender binary to acknowledge its existence by saying you’re ‘swapping’ the character from being cis with one AGAB to being cis with the other. But I can definitely see the argument against it, so I don’t blame anyone for going with rule 63 instead.

If you made it this far, thanks for reading; I hope you have a nice day, and have fun creating and consuming the fanworks your heart desires. I’ll end by linking this comic, which is just eternally relevant.

(*by which I mean: trans content created by other trans people, that matches my hyperspecific headcanons, likes and dislikes, and doesn’t set off any of my often changing dysphoria triggers. See what I said at the start, about transgender existence being constantly mildly painful. There are many awesome aspects to being trans! This is one of the less awesome.)

#rule 63

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bloomsberries · 2 years

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I posted 837 times in 2021

72 posts created (9%)

765 posts reblogged (91%)

For every post I created, I reblogged 10.6 posts.

I added 148 tags in 2021

#seen in 2021 - 58 posts

#wandavision spoilers - 15 posts

#the witcher - 14 posts

#dmm - 11 posts

#😍 - 11 posts

#wandavision - 9 posts

#black widow spoilers - 8 posts

#black widow - 8 posts

#shadow and bone - 7 posts

#yennefer of vengerberg - 7 posts

Longest Tag: 128 characters

#and i also think that having all of the ‘information’ in the world at your fingertips doesn’t necessarily make you more informed

My Top Posts in 2021

Here is a post to hold myself accountable:

I spend too much time doing meaningless nonsense on this phone. I am going to start writing my works in progress again and I am going to finish them. I will post a link here every SATURDAY until they are both done. RS first, then Bedlam. If you don’t see me doing this, feel free to call me out on my bullshit.

Thanks for your time lol.

34 notes • Posted 2021-07-25 22:49:54 GMT

I used to do these lists back on LJ and I was reminded by ratherembarrassing’s recent weekly posts. I realized how much I like reading about other people’s experiences, what they’re into, how they’re feeling, what they’re up to—and i was also reminded about why I used to like doing it for myself, which was as a way to stay connected. I have disconnected myself from all but the most “essential” people in my life, and I haven’t found anything good in that isolation. I have to admit, once I stopped contributing to fandom (writing, having any meta opinions whatsoever), I kind of thought that no one would really want to read about my day/week. It’s easy to disconnect irl, especially in the middle of a pandemic, but it’s even easier to disconnect in online spaces.

Anyway, what I’ve been up to:

1. Watching Perry Mason in the evenings has been a soothing balm I hadn’t expected. It’s so predictable and yet enjoyable despite (because?) of its predictability.

2. I haven’t written anything since I got sick last month. I was on a tiny little roll, and now I’m back to not knowing how to string three words together.

3. I had a random Audible credit and picked up something called The High Five Habit? So far it sounds like so much hooey, but I do enjoy high-fiving myself in the mirror.

4. It’s October, which means we are in my favorite part of the year, finally. It is 95 degrees outside, but I can pretend we get to enjoy fall. TONIGHT I DECORATE.

23 notes • Posted 2021-10-01 21:13:12 GMT

“Sphinx,” Rendezvous Series #77.

22 notes • Posted 2021-07-31 20:27:50 GMT

things I've done with my freedom from my phone (I'm on day 4):

finally finished The Mars Room and Go Tell It on the Mountain (is there any writer who is able to match Baldwin's ability to construct a sentence, beautiful AND filled with pathos; if there is I don't know of them); am deep into How to Do Nothing; I'm going to start The Broken Earth trilogy next (it's time)

watched Ninotchka, The Desperate Hours, The Out-of-Towners (original)

have NO idea what is happening on Twitter; truly the greatest thing to have come from this whole endeavor

I've written in my journal Every Day

downloaded RS to my Kindle so that I can refer to it whenever I need to for writing purposes without going on the internet and possibly distracting myself (I'm bad); it is WEIRD seeing it there, among the real books

according to my phone, I am averaging 77% less screen time than last week

I hope you're all doing wonderfully

16 notes • Posted 2021-11-16 21:32:06 GMT

Got the new TWSBI Swipe pen and I can safely say I will never go back to the mess that is piston filling fountain pens again. (Shh I know it’s not hard.) You mean I could have been using cartridges this whole time?

15 notes • Posted 2021-08-09 21:06:41 GMT

Get your Tumblr 2021 Year in Review →

#my 2021 tumblr year in review #your tumblr year in review

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johnbroutledge · 3 years

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I started answering on the post but Tumblr ate it twice so here's hoping third time is the charm. Also, this turned into an essay, bc I really care for you and wanted to get it all in.

So, as to the drabble "flopping"; I feel you, it always hurts when that happens. But there's a few factors to consider, which is to say stuff outside of your control going on. The first being: Tumblr's not the best place for posting fic. It used to be pretty good, but those days are past; ironically the tagging system improving contributed to that. Before people had to reblog or like posts to find/be able to find later. Now they can actually search for it. The second is naturally that the nsfw ban scared a lot of writers off and people stopped feeling this place for fic so much (not to mention the rise of discourse also did that).

The next is simply, as ever, timing. I used to work in community management (long story) so I am a nerd that looks into the analytics and: https://miraculousfanworks.tumblr.com/post/627913410660663296/attract-those-readers-when-to-post-on-ao3#:~:text=How%20many%20stories%20were%20in,from%2012pm%20to%205pm%20PST. Despite it being an AO3 reason, I've found it holds true for Tumblr too, when I link my fic. Late in the day on humpday just means less traffic overall.

And finally, and this is the painful bit: it's a small fandom. Especially when you compare it to 911 which I think you likely are. I've been suffering from the same myself lately, I've posted what feels like some personal best fic............for teeny fandoms and niche pairings and ten people. Add to that that the show is both off season rn, and, the real kicker, is not a weekly airer. You've noticed how the weekly episode of 911 then has a corresponding uptick of making and consuming of fanworks. Simply put, there's new content so there's new material to work with and people are going "huh that was a cliffhanger, let's soothe it with fic". OBX is netflix and thus generally has a big burst of creation around it dropping then a longish tail and then little radio noise until then. The Witcher is a good comparison, but has two factors going for it: related media (books and video games) and big name stars. OBX is, basically, a lil kayak doing its best. But there's simply not as many people who consume fanwork for it.

Now love, and writing, is never wasted! Every word is a gift you give yourself and your skills. But I wanted to give you a sort of "cold logic" of why that reaction might be what it is, COMPLETELY separate from your actual work or the quality of it you may perceive.

Which was a very long winded way of saying: our reward based ape brains love the numbers. But the numbers come from lots of places. What matters, and what we can't quantify, is how much people loved it. The people creeping on your page and rereading it for the sixth time right now. The ones that messages it to friends. The ones that will think about it, out of the blue for ages. Maybe years. There's no counter for that. Keep creating <3

This might be the most helpful thing anyone could’ve said to me. It’s hard for me to not equate “success” or interaction to my self worth and my skill and I needed like logical factual reasons why it may not be doing well. I knew all along it’s a tiny fandom and I’ve seen with gifsets that interaction isn’t great rn even if you have 8634346323 followers, but idk, I just. I feel like a little kid bringing macaroni art to her mom and hoping she loves it. I was so proud of putting words on paper and like, was immediately like why is no one here to see it. And historically I’m awful to myself anyway, a thing thats exacerbated by like past trauma and shit so. And you’re right, I was kind of I guess thinking 911 numbers in my head and that’s not logical either.

I love this fandom and I haven’t been so inspired by a fandom in a long time so I’m gonna keep writing, if for no reason than I just want to. But I’d be lying if I told you the lack of interaction isn’t gonna be hard for me every single time too. Because that’s just how my shitty brain works I live with one finger on the self destruct button at all times.

Thank you so much for sending this, it really did help. Might fuck around and post the fic to ao3 or something 👀.

#nikki answers #meduseld #thank you thank you thank you #💗💗💗💗💗

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pressedinthepages · 3 years

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Languid, Lingering

Fandom: The Witcher

Pairing: Eskel/OC

Rating: M

Masterlist

a/n: A COLLAB, MY DUDES!!! Both myself and Margaret @sometimesiwrite contributed to this piece, and we’re so happy to share it! Please, please, pleaseeee go check her out, she is a wonderful author and an even better human being :) Also......there may even be discussions of a Chapter 2...

(There is a link on my page where you can be added to my taglist :D)

The scents of home well up in Eskel’s chest as he prepares to leave.

Her fingers drifted over various jars in the cupboard, the glass tinkling lightly from her haphazard search. Cinnamon sticks bounced and little seeds were jumbled as she pulled several containers into her grasp. She extracted a large jar filled to the brim with fresh honey, smelling the floral notes that rose out.

A ceramic bowl joined the ingredients on the counter and was soon filled with oats, flour, and spices. She dusted the counter with a bit of extra flour in preparation before pouring in the ripened mother that had been sitting to the side, happily fermenting for the better part of the last day. It was cidery and sweet as she mixed it in with the final ingredients.

Suddenly she felt a hand on her waist, large and warm where the fingers splayed over her stomach. She leaned into the touch and Eskel smiled into her shoulder, breathing deeply against the junction of her neck.

“Hello, there,” she hummed, stirring and stirring the stiff dough into submission. The dough was starting to come together, but she couldn’t help but feel that she was forgetting something… she heard the sound of a lid opening to her left, and looked over just in time to see one of Eskel’s free fingers steal a large dollop of honey. His lips smacked next to her ear as his warmth at her back withdrew.

“Oi, get out of there! Silly bumblebee,” she nudged him gently with her elbow, wiping her hands on her apron.

His laugh reverberated through their small kitchen as he retreated, cheekily licking his fingers.

She shook her head, turning back to her mixing bowl. It was mere moments later when, reaching to add a swirl of honey, she realized Eskel had stolen the whole jar. A resigned sigh seeped through the smile on her face as she turned to chase down the culprit. He was nothing if not a creature of habit, so she was not surprised when she peeked into their bedroom to find him sprawled across the blankets, pot of honey in hand and dripping down over his fingers.

“I swear to Melitele, if you’ve gotten honey on our clean sheets...” she snatched the honey back—only half-irritated. It was nearly impossible to be fully irritated with her sweet witcher, especially when he was so relentlessly good to her... for that, she forgave his occasional bouts of kitchen mischief. Even if it meant chasing down missing jars of honey.

Eskel just hummed, rolling lazily onto his stomach. He gazed at her as if she hung the sun as her hips swayed out of the room, counting his lucky stars that he had her in his life.

He wasn’t sure exactly how long ago he'd closed his eyes, but when he opened them again, the smell of baking filled the house—honey, oats and wheat. If there was any smell on earth he associated with that woman and the home she shared with him, it was honey, oats, and wheat.

Eskel stretched out, his fingers reaching far past the edge of the bed before he swung his legs off the mattress and stood up. Bare feet padded quietly on the wooden floors to where he found her standing at the table, carefully packaging several slices of sweet bread in fabric. He could see the rest of the loaf sitting atop a wooden board, and his feet led him straight to his bounty.

By now, her ear was well-tuned to the sound of her quiet witcher approaching—it was the only way to protect the cooking from being pillaged before it was finished—and she braced herself. Large, warm hands once again slipped around her hips as Eskel’s nose nuzzled back into the crook of her neck. He breathed deep, letting the fresh-baked aroma mingle with her own.

“Thank you for joining us,” she said, passing a crumb to their little brown dog in the corner—far less little than it had been a month ago. “Now you mustn’t eat these parcels, they’re for you when you leave tomorrow. But the rest of the loaves we can have for ourselves whenever we like.”

Eskel hummed dejectedly, stubbornly refusing to abandon the sweet junction of her neck and shoulder. One of his hands, though, started to snake its way onto the table, long fingers reaching for a stray crumb of the sweet, nutty bread.

She laughed quietly as she melted back against his front. “I can cut you a whole piece, my love, you needn’t steel crumbs from the table.”

Eskel chuckled, bringing his hand to his mouth and licking away the morsels. “Well, if you insist...”

She turned her head and pressed a soft kiss against the angry scars down the side of his face. “I do.”

“Then how am I to say no,” he whispered, kneading into the soft flesh just below her waist, “when the Lady insists so sweetly?” She reached back and fondly ruffled the hair at the nape of his neck, taking up the bread knife with the other hand to cut a thick slice from the loaf. Having buttered it, she turned in Eskel’s loosened grip, offering him his very own piece. Not wanting to lose the supple warmth beneath his hands, he opened his mouth and took a bite from the slice where she held it.

“Mmm,” he groaned around his mouthful, “fuck.”

She chuckled with a shake of her head, watching his throat bob as he swallowed. She offered another bite, and another after that as Eskel’s thumbs rubbed along her hips, back and forth, soothing her and him in the same motion.

He took the last mouthful out of her hand, licking every last bit of butter and crumbs from her thumb as he continued to chew, indulging shamelessly in the soft, warm, buttery goodness pervading his senses. He was practically still chewing when he leaned in for a kiss. His lips were smooth with butter, warm with adoration, and sweet with the taste of honey that still lingered from his previous pilfering.

The witcher’s large warm hands left her hips to grasp her backside as she was hoisted up into Eskel’s arms, legs wrapping around his waist. “Woman,” he rumbled joyfully, “what would I do... without your bread?”

She fondly tsked, still shaking her head adoringly as he turned them away from the kitchen table. “And just where do you think we’re going?” She asked, eyebrows raised

A mischievous chuckle buzzed against her chest, “The same place I take all my stolen goodies. But you are by far the sweetest.”

She tucked her head into his shoulder and inhaled deeply too, swimming in the heady musk that emanated from him. Eskel’s hips jostled her a bit as he pushed through the doorway with his back first, spinning quickly into their bedroom.

Our bedroom, he pondered, lying down on his back, supporting her as she arranged her knees on either side of him. He sighed deeply, letting her weight settle on top of him as she leaned down. Linen-clad elbows bracketed the witcher’s head as his miracle of a woman stretched out over top of him. What a glorious place.

Eskel’s hands barely contained the chaos that threatened to spill from them as they trailed up and down the slope of her spine. He gained a quiet shiver for his easy efforts.

“Eskel,” she breathed into his ear, winning a shiver of her own, “tell me what you want...”

There was a groan as he stroked firmly up her sides, “I want your bread for as long as you’re willing to bake it for me, and us like this for as long as you’ll put up with me,” he breathed lightheartedly. But Gods he meant every word of it. Her laugh was low and breathy as she shifted a little, gathering her skirts out from under her knees and shucking off her bodice, leaving her plain chemise to drape delicately over her figure. Eskel tilted his head where it rested on the mattress, admiring the view. She brushed his hair away from his face, beaming at the simple, unfraught happiness written there. “Well, then, love?”

“Let’s start slow. See where the road takes us,” he ran his hands across the spread of her chest, down her arms and back up, caressing the slope of her breasts, the curve of her waist, the roundness of her buttocks. Admiring the strength of her thighs, propped wide on either side of him.

She shuddered under his touch as his fingers dug into the soft plush of her hips. She kissed down the sharp line of his jaw as her own nimble fingers drifted under the hem of his shirt. His stomach was soft, corded muscle nestled beneath. Eskel sucked in a breath as if to say something, but held his tongue.

“What is it, my love?” She murmured, looking into the eyes so filled with fire and adoration they threatened to burn her to the bone.

She blushed under their heat as the honey gold trailed over the features of her face, down the lines of her body, and back to her eyes. Eskel swallowed, "It's nothing." But she knew better, even as he cradled her back and subtly rocked his hips beneath her.

"Eskel..." after all our time together, you’d think he’d have figured out he can’t hide. "Tell me, my love. Whatever it is, you can always tell me.”

"I don't want to leave tomorrow." The certainty of his answer cut through the muffled quiet of the bedroom.

She sat up a bit, resting a patient hand in the middle of his chest, "How do you feel about that?"

"I dunno, I've—I've never had that feeling before. It’s nice. Not wanting to go."

"Then don't," her warm, enticing smile met the tender skin of his neck.

“I have to go sometime,” he let out a helpless moan. “Fuck it. I’ll go when the bread’s gone.”

“Which will be tomorrow, if I know you,” she teased, worrying a wine-stain mark into the space just above his collar bone.

“If I know you,” he huffed, tangling his fingers in her hair, “you’ll bake more.” Her lips trailed downwards...

#Eskel/oc #collab #fluff #domestic af #eskel deserves it

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maeglinthebold · 3 years

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2020 Creator Wrap

Rules: it’s time to love yourselves! choose your 5 (or so) favourite works you created in the past year (fics, art, edits, etc.) and link them below to reflect on the amazing things you brought to the world in 2020. tag as many writers/artists/etc. as you want (fan or original) so we can spread the love and link each other to awesome works!

I wasn’t tagged by anyone but that’s fair I normally don’t go for these and 2020 was a crazy year.

I wrote 567,514 words this year according to my AO3 stats, though because I like to cowrite things and several were continuations from 2019, that count isn’t accurate. Here are my favorites:

1. Okay, my dissertation has to have the top slot, and although it’s not fanfic, it is about fanfic (idk, something something, shared tropes in fanfic and medieval romance and the intersections of shame in queered story (re)production), so it counts (and anyway who says scholars aren’t fans of what they study, hm?), and leads to...

2. Probably my favorite thing I ever wrote, Sir Guerin and the Green Knight, a reimagining of my RNM OT3 as the hinted OT3 in the Middle English Sir Gawain and the Green Knight. Basically I was finalizing my dissertation and becoming obsessed with RNM at the same time, and this is what happened. mythras_fire kindly beta’d it and talked with me about it. I even built a cover for it! And @jocarthage also built a cover for it! <3

3. I really like writing by RP/co-writing fic, and other people keep me honest so I don’t write super self-indulgent nasty smut (don’t worry I did that too this year x x), so thank you to:

@haloud for writing our epic To Raise a Child with me! I can’t believe we did it all in one year! And it’s so good and soft!! We’re also writing tentacle fic too, and several other shorter things that we can’t wait to share with you.

Cognomen, who smartly got off Tumblr, and I have written a lot of words together and only posted a fraction of those, from Baze/Chirrut to Starsky and Hutch. This year we wrote a Witcher one-shot based on a fairy tale (in proper Witcher style) soundtracked by Halsey-as-sung-by-Jaskier in I Would Have Followed All the Way to the Graveyard.

@a-singer-of-songs and I continued our Jedistormpilot epic, even if we were demoralized by The Rise of Skywalker and didn’t post a lot this year. Still, Stars and Skies, a fic series we’ve been cowriting since January 2016, continues to be updated!

I also had fun co-writing with mythras_fire and @haldamiri this year, too! 😘

4. When the whole Tyler Blackburn Thing (combined with some of the shit Alex pulled in season 2, yes, I’m one-sided about this) blew up the fandom even worse than the threesome did, I used fanfiction to process my feelings in Must Be Strangely Exciting to Watch the Stoic Squirm, featuring Alex as a robot learning how to be a human. More Alanis Morissette lyrics showed up in an earlier draft of that fic and honestly ”I don’t think you unworthy / I need a moment to deliberate” is my current mood about Tyler.

5. And finally (since I’m already cheating picking more than 5 things), because fandom is about community for me, writing gift fic, getting gift fic, and seeing some fic ideas become art was definitely a highlight of the year more for the friendships it grew than the products themselves (though those were good too!).

Consider yourself tagged if you see this and want to do it! Yes, you. 😘

Finally, consider yourself called in to join Comment Bingo in the RNM fandom this year, which will be my first contribution to fandom in 2021 (as event moderator) and I couldn’t be prouder of that.

#stuff i write #2020

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treescape · 3 years

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As 2020 finally (finally) draws to a close, I just wanted to say thank you from the bottom of my heart. I cannot express how much this fandom has meant to me these past months. I know it’s been such a hard year for everyone. Personally, it’s been one of the hardest years of my life for a lot of reasons, and this fandom has been one of the few lights throughout it. I have read so many wonderful works in that time, and met so many wonderful people, and been inspired so much in my own writing. It’s been a lifeline. To everyone who has read, kudosed, liked, bookmarked, followed, subscribed, or commented on one of my fics, or has interacted with me on here, discord, or AO3, or has contributed in any way to this fandom by creating or reading or discussing--I really can’t say thank you enough. I cannot put into words the joy you have brought me.

Since posting my first Star Wars fic near the end of February, I’ve published over 50 fics totaling just shy of 90,000 words. I haven’t written so much in one year since I was a teenager writing in the Digimon fandom 😂 I’ll be curious to see if I can hit 100,000 words in 2021, given that I’ll be writing from January 1 instead of late February! I have a lot of fics currently in the works or otherwise planned--from more Vaderwan (multiple parts of to have and to hold, at least one sequel to dreamfield, and some other projects), more omega!Obi-Wan, a chaptered Obikin soulmates fic I’ve been planning for months now, lots of Obikin fluff (and, well, lots of spicy stuff), more QuiObi Witcher AU, Regency AU, and Imperial AU, and lots of other things I hope (including more DinLuke--a pairing which has unexpectedly stolen my heart???). AND I’m going to catch up on prompts, I promise 😂 I know I’m very behind on them.

I’d love to know if there’s anything in particular you’d be interested in seeing from me in the next year--whether that’s more of a specific pairing, or trope, or 'verse, or anything really!

I hope everyone has a safe and wonderful New Years, and once again--thank you so much.

#personal

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theschizoidblog · 4 years

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Snape, the Schizoid

Blog 4: 30/07/2020

While I usually write about how Schizoid personality disorder affects me, I think there’s a lot to be learned from drawing comparisons to fictional characters. In fact, before I got my diagnosis, I was writing fanfiction in which I poured very large portions of my soul and very being, often without realizing I wasn’t really writing about other characters, but I was exploring my own inner self. I loved writing about outcasts, about recluses and sometimes I didn’t know if I just was in a sort of love with the characters I wrote about, or if they were me.

At the age of 18, we’re talking about 2001 here, I got into Harry Potter. And with that I mean: I got into Severus Snape. Described as an ugly git and a mean bastard, I still loved him to pieces. (And Alan Rickman portrayed him beautifully, RIP)

And here might be the reason why he lured me in straight away: Snape is a schizoid, like me. And that only clicked when I got my diagnosis a few months ago. 19 years after first encountering the character. And after rereading some of my own fanfictions, I started realizing that what I’d described as Snape’s problems and needs in those stories, were my own. Strange how that works!

In this blog, I’m going to run over some traits of SPD (schizoid personality disorder) and explain how Snape fits into the criteria.

This post serves three purposes:

To people who have no idea what schizoid personality disorder is, this is a means to familiarize yourself with the disorder by exploring the traits while you imagine a character you already know.

To people with schizoid personality disorder, this is just meant to be a fun little blog where maybe you can recognize some traits of yourself. No worries, I have not forgotten we’re all on a spectrum and each schizoid is different.

To fans of the Harry Potter novels, I hope that you come to realize that people can identify with flawed characters for very personal reasons. Don’t be mean to fictional characters (unless they’re Umbridge I guess XD), because you never know who identifies with them. Your rejection of a character can feel like the rejection of a person who struggles with the same things. Anti-culture, in all fandoms, has to end. It’s not adult. It’s not wise. It’s mean. It’s exhausting.

I also feel like I need to make a statement about JK Rowling’s intent: I doubt she knew what SPD was when she wrote Snape. She said she based him off of one of her old teachers – no idea if that man had SPD or was just generally unpleasant. The way that Snape matches SPD is eerie though, just like Luna matches schizotypal personality disorder rather well. (More on that later.) An actual psychologist might disagree with me and say “No he’s not schizoid because….” – and hell, I’d love to hear it. I don’t mind it if this post, written by a schizoid but not a psychologist, starts a discussion that will help people understand the disorder even better, even if I’m wrong in assessing Snape. Or if we can learn to understand Snape better because of me being wrong, that’s also a win-win situation.

Ready? Let’s dive into it!

Cause

SPD is said to be caused by a combination of genetics and environment – as is the case with many other personality disorders. But ask around in schizoid groups, and most will tell you that there were issues in childhood with abuse, lack of warmth or understanding at home, or the presence of a “bad parent”. According to webmd: “Some professionals speculate that a bleak childhood where warmth and emotion were absent contributes to the development of the disorder.”

We all know that Snape’s early childhood was not a happy one. He had an abusive muggle father and grew up at Spinner’s End, the opposite of what you could consider a happy childhood home.

When you grow up in a loveless home, it ruins a lot of your own enjoyment of life. You get trust issues, you become awkward, and so when Snape finally arrives at Hogwarts, he gets bullied. He’s already rather isolated (he only had Lily), and they picked on him because kids can sniff out weaknesses and he was an easy target.

The bullying did nothing to stop the disorder from developing further. Many schizoids have gone through bullying themselves, and it does nothing to help you grow closer to human beings as you get older, quite the opposite, a bond of trust is broken and it’s incredibly hard to heal that. You’ll be suspicious of everyone you meet once that sort of thing happens. The more bullying you receive, the more you hate the world as you grow up. Maybe that’s not true for all people or all schizoids, but I bet some can relate.

You might say: “But Harry also got bullied at the Dursleys and he turned out fine!” Well, I guess he did. That’s the thing with many heroes – their tragic backstories make them poster boys of “look what they overcame and how he saved the world!” – but it’s not that realistic, and if you’ve got a genetic predisposition to develop a personality disorder instead, you’re screwed. Let’s also not forget that Harry’s first year in life was a very loving one. The very first year in a child’s life is crucial, and if things go wrong in early childhood, that leaves scars that most people carry with them for the rest of their lives. Snape never had that steady sort of home, not even for one year, or if he did, there’s nothing to indicate he did.

Diagnosis Criteria

Okay, time to get digging! According to the DSM-V, you need to display at least four symptoms in order to be diagnosed with SPD. Also keep in mind that these traits need to be present for longer than just a few months or a year or so. You might recognize some of these traits as something you’ve gone through yourself if you’ve ever been depressed – it’s when these traits last for what seems like your entire adult life, that a diagnosis with the disorder can be made. (I’m also not familiar with every other trait of every other disorder in the DSM-V, so as I stated in the beginning, it’s possible that other personality disorders are even more fitting of Snape, but that I just don’t know them yet.)

The seven criteria are:

Lack of desire or enjoyment for close personal relationships

Always chooses solitary activities

Little or no interest in sex with other people

Experiences little pleasure from activities

No close friends other than immediate family

Indifference to criticism or praise

Emotional detachment and lack of emotional expression

➤ Emotional detachment and lack of emotional expression

While this is usually at the bottom of the list, I want to put it on top. This is what they also call “flat affect”. You can give us a present, and it might seem like we’re not truly grateful. We may laugh with a joke, but the light never reaches our eyes. Emotionally, it doesn’t seem to an outsider like there’s a lot going on, and if it is, it’s going on so deeply within our souls we’re hardly aware of it ourselves. Think of Snape’s monotonous voice when talking. Now Alan Rickman is a brilliant actor and emotes with very very small signs sometimes, and it’s not like when talking to me, you’re talking to a wall. (But my empathic mask makes me appear rather normal to most folks.) (I don’t think Snape has a mask like that.) Other characters that have schizoid traits are, for example, Mai from Avatar the Last Airbender or Geralt of Rivia from the Witcher. If you know and visualize these characters, you may understand better what I mean with the “lack of emotional expression” then. Also, Snape being a great Occlumens? It’s because he’s the reigning champion in suppressing his emotions, like all schizoids are. We would make wonderful Occlumens, I think. XD Snape being mean? Not all schizoids have a good amount of empathy, they’re too emotionally detached for that. (Others are very empathic to some causes, but might be picky in what they are empathic about. For example: they can be empathic towards animal cruelty and Black Lives Matter, but don’t give a shit about other causes.)

A lack of empathy is what makes plenty of people an easy prey to fascists. Without empathy, what moral compass is going to stop you from becoming a bigot? (And I also want to state that within the disorder you’ll probably find people of all political leanings – many schizoids also seem to have a thing for the underdog, and thus seem to often lean towards the left instead of the right side of the political spectrum. But as with ‘regular’ people, you’ll find people swing both ways.) But here, in Snape’s case, his hatred for his bullies and his father (a muggle) pushed him right into the Death Eater’s arms, and they were glad to welcome a man of his skill, maybe even giving him the illusion, for a while, that he had found a new family. It didn’t last, and eventually his eyes opened to what the Death Eater’s really were. He was too young and naïve to see what they wanted of him (and the one person he loved), and it basically ruined his life. He was a teenage fool, and after losing Lily’s friendship, he had no one left to keep him out of that bad group of friends.

➤ Lack of desire or enjoyment for close personal relationships

Does Snape strike you as the social type that’s trying to make new friends all the time? Have you ever seen the man enjoy the company of another character in the books? Not just tolerate, not just need, but ‘enjoy’? Even when it comes to Lucius or Karkarov, it seems he is just keeping an eye on them, observing them rather than offering true friendship.

Maybe McGonagall might be an exception. He seems amiable towards her, in a competitive way. He might get a kick out of their arguing. She’s certainly an intelligent woman so he might enjoy her company for intellectual reasons.

➤ Always chooses solitary activities

We see Snape engage in a few activities at Hogwarts, such as going to Quidditch matches, or being present at the Yule Ball. Death Eater meetings and gatherings in the staff room might be social activities, but let’s not pretend Snape has a lot to say about whether he attends those or not. As a teen he already excels at potions, a solitary activity, and when we are given a glimpse of his “summer” lifestyle at Spinner’s End in Half-Blood Prince, he’s just reading. He certainly doesn’t entertain a crowd in his spare time, like, for example, Slughorn does.

➤ Little or no interest in sex with other people

I hear you coming now. “BUT LILY!” Schizoids are often asexual, but not necessarily sex-aversive. When asking around in a schizoid group, about a third of the schizoids seem to be in relationships or are even married, perhaps even more. And many of the others have had sexual relationships in the past. Many have tried to make relationships work, only to realize at a later point that that sort of life was not for them and that they would never be truly happy in a relationship. Other schizoids are happy in relationships – so it exists! It’s not impossible! (Remember: you need 4/7 traits, not 7/7 to be schizoid.) Also keep in mind, if Snape really was interested in sex, why would he pine after a dead woman for 16 years? He’d be over her way sooner and into someone else’s pants way sooner too. Lily was the first person in his life that gave him any kind of warmth, so him pining after her is not strange or inexplicable behavior. She offered what he craved, what he lacked, and he mourned her for the rest of his life, because he feared no one would ever give him that warmth. (And he kind of turned that into a self-fulfilling prophecy by being such a recluse.) He dreamed of love, but we have no idea what it would have been like had he actually ever had his affections returned. Maybe he’d have enjoyed a relationship with her for a long while and she would have been the only person he could have tolerated, or maybe after a year or so he would have thought “this is suffocating” and ended the relationship.

➤ Experiences little pleasure from activities

Can you recall Snape laughing in any scene? Smiling, even? I can imagine him to feel rather content when brewing potions or studying the dark arts, and he does have passion for what he does. But to a schizoid, passion and pleasure are not necessarily the same. We experience emotions differently. In some ways we don’t experience them at all, in other ways, we might feel like there’s a wall around our emotions, and we have no idea how to get over that wall and check what the currently active emotion is. But with logic, we can determine “I guess I’m happy now that I’m doing this thing I like doing.” Intellectual pursuits are fun too – like solving a puzzle, it gives a little boost of dopamine when you make it to the next level, so it’s not surprising he excels at Potions.

➤ No close friends other than immediate family

Basically, Snape only really had Dumbledore, and that bastard only used him to win the war. (I have beef with old Dumbledore, okay?) But Snape confided in Dumbledore, and the other way around, and so I think it’s safe to say that there was a true friendship between the two. When Dumbledore died, Snape was truly alone. (Which is incredibly tragic and heartbreaking when you think about it – in the last year of his life, Snape had no one, really no one, as he tried to keep Hogwarts ‘safe’ and eventually died. And everyone hated him for killing Dumbledore, not knowing the truth about his allegiance. Everyone who had once spoken kindly to him, like the other professors at Hogwarts, now considered him arch enemy #2, behind Voldemort.)

➤ Indifference to criticism or praise

Compliment or insult a schizoid, and it’s not like they won’t give any response at all. They might say “thank you” or they might get a little defensive about the insult, but they won’t always lose a lot of sleep over it. It kind of depends on who the praise or criticism is coming from. I can imagine that it did mean something to him if it came from Dumbledore, whom he cared about. I don’t think it meant anything to him what his students thought of him, since he didn’t give a personal level of shit about them. There’s also a moment where Umbridge shrieks “You are on probation!” and it’s described as “Snape looked back at her, his eyebrows slightly raised.” Then she says that she expected better after how highly Lucius Malfoy always speaks of him and she dismisses him. Snape then gives her “an ironic bow” – he really doesn’t give a rat’s ass and I love him for it.

These are the 7 criteria that you need to fit 4 of to be diagnosed with SPD – I managed to link all 7 to Snape – so I think it’s not unlikely that Snape is truly a schizoid. Now, for the next part I would like to highlight some other comorbidities which many schizoids also have, that seem to appear in Snape as well.

Comorbidities

➤ Depression In about half of all schizoid patients, depression is or has been present. How do you notice that in Snape? The greasy hair, among other things. Bad teeth. Always wearing the same outfit. If you’ve ever suffered from a bad depression, you know how difficult it suddenly becomes to shower at a regular interval, how you can go days without brushing your teeth, how wearing comfortable clothing is more important than looking fashionable – how it is absolutely meaningless to look fashionable because who the fuck cares anyways. Snape doesn’t seem to give a hoot about himself or his appearance, which strikes me as a sign of depression. And what does he have to be happy about? He knows Voldemort is going to return and he’ll have a cursed job as a double-spy. He knows he’s probably going to die. I wouldn’t be happy either.

➤ Anger Outbursts/PTSD Not all schizoids have this, but it’s something I have myself and which I’ve written about extensively in one of my previous blog posts. I look at it as a way of my inner self breaking down the walls and coming out to say “I know that I’ve been quiet for the past 37 years but what the fuck I’m really angry about this and have been for a while and I’m not going to contain it any longer” – and then the anger comes out disproportionately. It’s hard to impossible to really control such an outburst. And often, there is a very obvious cause to the outburst. Sometimes it’s PTSD related. For Snape, while he does not emote often, you see a few outbursts – like when he is face to face with Sirius Black in the shrieking shack, his childhood bully. He seems mad at that moment, not at all composed anymore, the sign of a real anger outburst. (I think it’s PTSD helping that anger build.) A few moments later, he thinks he has turned in Sirius Black to the Ministry, Sirius, who he holds responsible for the death of James and Lily (and it’s especially the latter’s death he can’t cope with), so when Sirius escapes, he loses it again. Then the next time he gets really angry is when Harry enters his “worst memory”. That’s a few years later, during the Occlumency lessons. While he’s no longer shrieking, he’s white with rage. My pro tip: don’t impose on the privacy of a schizoid, we get mad. XD In Half-Blood Prince, he’s got a moment where he’s like “Don’t call me coward!”, looking ‘inhuman’. I too can get anger outbursts over false accusations, and this one must really hurt, because at that moment, he’s trying to save Harry’s freaking life while the boy is all like “lemme at you I’mma kill you like you killed Dumbledore for fun!” – Snape was probably grieving the loss of his only friend and confidant and knew he was on his own from that point onwards, and then you get this bloody teenager trying to drag you into a wizard’s duel you’re not in the mood for, calling you a coward, which is the last thing you are. Man it has to suck to be Snape. I also want to state that there are many moments when things go wrong in class, but Snape never loses his temper like that. He’s not pleasant and he punishes students, but he doesn’t get mad – he gets even. That makes it all the more interesting to analyze the moments that he does go bananas.

Random Thoughts

Before I finish this blog, there are still a few small things I’d like to get out of my system about Snape and SPD.

➤ Snape and Luna

They are my favorite characters, but also because they’re very, very alike and very, very different at the same time. Both didn’t have a great childhood (Luna lost her mother at a young age) and they get bullied as kids at Hogwarts. Snape is called Snivellus and Luna is called Looney. All the suffering they endure, affects them differently though. Snape gets meaner, Luna only seems to get nicer. I see them as two sides of the same coin. One dark, one light, both a little eccentric in their own way. When you look at it from a personality-disorder point of view, then they both have personality disorders that are related to one another. Snape has Schizoid Personality Disorder, Luna has Schizotypal Personality Disorder. Schizotypal Personality Disorder is where you’ll find a lot of eccentric people who believe in conspiracy theories. Both are class A personality disorders. Some people might even have the two personality disorders at the same time. Schizoids seem to be rooted in reality with their thoughts, schizotypals can really start believing strange things if they’re not careful, alienating them from others And, in case you’re now wondering: “So many schizo-personality disorders! Is this also schizophrenia?” No – schizophrenia is when you have delusions and hallucinations as well. Read up on those disorders if you’re interested, because these descriptions of mine are too brief and don’t do it justice.

➤ Snape was a bad teacher

Not fully, and yes, he was. I think knowledge-wise, Snape was way better at Potions than Slughorn ever was. You notice when Hermione can’t keep up in her sixth year while Harry is sailing through Potions thanks to Snape’s book. Snape’s a genius and would have been able to instruct his students to be more efficient when brewing potions. But personality wise? Don’t put a schizoid in front of a classroom. And for that, I kind of blame Dumbledore. Snape wasn’t asking for a job as a teacher, but that’s all Dumbledore had to offer, and thus he put Snape and his unwilling students in a room together where none of them wanted to be. I think Snape would have been better off as some kind of a scientist, just him and his books, inventing spells or potions. But he was not given much of a choice, and he was forced to socialize with teenagers (ew, gross), and that must have drained him terribly. It’s a wonder he was usually roaming the hallways at night because I would have been too exhausted to get out of bed. That makes you realize it’s truly a work of fiction because who on earth has that kind of stamina? :-P (No, in all seriousness it’s probably also depression at work, keeping him up.) Snape was a jerk to Harry and Neville and Hermione on various occasions, and not all of it was to “keep up appearances” to the Slytherins. He seemed to even enjoy a bit of sadism here and there. You could contemplate why he poisoned Neville’s toad. Was it just to spite poor little Neville, or was he hoping his student would perform better under pressure? (Which Neville did.. The toad didn’t die.) It’s a cruel way to teach a lesson, but I think he must have thought the end justified the means. But what a traumatic experience to Neville, who then had Snape become his greatest fear.

➤ Purity culture vs Snape

We’ve seen a shift on both Tumblr and other social media where fandom is about purity culture. Back in 2002 folks were like “We love the baddies, deal with it”, and the people that didn’t love the baddies actually dealt with it and you could joke with people who preferred the Gryffindors and just poke a little fun at one another, but it was fun fandom. But over the years I’ve seen fandom change. Nowadays you can’t even express love for Snape without someone seeing it as their moral obligation to remind you of what a “bad person he really was”. To them I can only say that I like him for his best qualities, and forgive him for his worst. And honestly, I don’t need to justify liking a character to anyone. If I want to put Umbridge-posters in every room of my apartment, are you going to stop me or call the cops on me? Purity policing is weird. Very American, too. (Though I’ve seen some Dutch folks go apeshit as well over purity concepts.) And as a Belgian I don’t have time to put up with that shit. XD And purity policing also is just nasty when you consider that some folks are like “I relate to this character” and the next person is like “THIS CHARACTER IS EVIL AND DESERVES TO DIE!” My response to that part of fandom is: “Just fuck off already, jerkface.” Personally I was heartbroken by his death, because I feel like he could have made up to the people he’d hurt, I would have loved to see relationships mended between him and McGonagall and him and Harry and such, but instead we were left with him passing on some awkward memories to Harry and then dying. (Tbh I’m not the greatest fan of his crush on Lily, but whatever, I can accept it and understand it. She was the only light he ever knew.) It’s not his fault he didn’t get to redeem himself as a character, not fully - and that’s what makes fanfiction fun. So if people want to explore that in fic, let them. A character like Snape is too much of a treasure to shove under a carpet and pretend he never existed. Write all the things about him, have him have all the adventures!

I think I’m done now! If you stuck around until now, 10 points to Slytherin or whatever house you’re from. (Probably Slytherin if you’re reading about Snape.) What do you think? Feel free to leave a comment, send an ask, or whatever!

#severus snape #snape #pro snape #schizoid #schizoid personality disorder #blog

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ficsandcatsandficsandcats · 4 years

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Could you do a little fic where Jask and reader are doing one of those fast paced dances where everyone switches partners the whole time and its really cute, and then when the song ends, they're paired up, just as the band starts playing a slow song, so they kinda just. Stare at each other for a minute before being like "well ok let's just share this dance." (And then next thing ya know "one" dance turns into the whole night and they don't wanna dance with anyone else?)

Fandom: The Witcher Pairing: Jaskier x Reader Word Count: 1,497 Rating: G Taglist: @heroics-and-heartbreak @whatevermonkey @mycat-is-mylove @mynamesoundslikesherlock @kemmastan @magic-multicolored-miracle @writingstudent @mlleecrivaine @coffee-and-stories @amirahiddleston @ultracolorfulnerdcollection @astouract @your-not-invisible-to-me @daydreamer-in-training @morelikebyesexual a/n: Thank you for your patience xo

The crush of skirts and warmth of bodies roving in swiftly moving patterns in time to the music was stifling but you giggled and sang along with the chorus as you went, passed from hand to hand until you returned to your dance partner.

“You’re doing splendidly!” Jaskier praised, yelling to be heard above the din as he spun you around, his hands warm and nimble in your hand and against the small of your back as he guided you. You’d been nervous at first but the wine and Jaskier’s winning smile and sweet talk won you over. He couldn’t know how sweetly you found the words, not without knowing the feelings you held deep down inside, but he knew he was charming and you couldn’t deny he had every right to be smug. The sapphire eyes glinted in the candlelight, a sheen of sweat dampening the chestnut hair against his brow. You lost balance for a moment, one hand deftly caught by his as the other steadied against his chest, carding against the thatch of chest hair that had – as it always did – made an appearance when the opening in his chemise mysteriously grew deeper throughout the evening. His eyes twinkled and you noticed what was almost a faint tinge of color in his cheeks as you gazed up at him, taking advantage of your sudden closeness as you took your sweet time righting yourself.

“Are you alright, fairest?” he asked, the endearment one that made you roll your eyes and preen in equal measure. You wet your lips before opening your mouth to speak and his eyes watched with an almost indecent focus, a flash of something more than casual flirtation alight in his eyes for a moment before blinking it away. You lost your words and nodded in response, forcing yourself to pull away though you thought you saw as much regret in his face as you felt when you did it. The music swelled to a final note and then ended. You nodded and Jaskier followed suit though you heard him mutter something critical about them not properly landing the crescendo.

“Another one?” you asked. His face lit up again and he held out an arm that you began to take but paused when the music began again; something slower and softer and in the warm glow of the candlelight, distinctly romantic. The line of revelers paired off and you balked.

“Oh maybe not,” you murmured, moving to step away. Jaskier’s hand caught yours before you could fully detach and you looked up in surprise.

“Just one more?” he asked, eyes entreating. You found your body moving towards him before your brain could fully process the request and he eagerly, though gently, pulled you close. He placed a hand on your waist and guided your free hand onto his shoulder.

“I’ve never done this before,” you blurted out nervously as he swayed into the first step.

“Oh, this? This isn’t a dance that’s taught,” he lied smoothly, “All you do is follow my lead. There’s no way to get it wrong. It’s just us.”

Your mouth went dry but you forced a smile and before long it was genuine. His eyes never left your face but yours roamed around the room that was no longer a hurried cascade of vague colors but a hall of gilded artwork and detailed tapestries. You watched the people talking and laughing off in the banquet tables and the couples around you, boldly and openly in love in a way that made you jealous.

“Should I be jealous?” Jaskier asked. Your head snapped back to attention, certain he’d read your thoughts.

“What?”

“You’re looking everywhere but at me,” he teased. You laughed and shook your head, worried less and less about stepping on his feet and allowing yourself to become more preoccupied with the press of his fingers just above your hips and the way his thumb idly caressed yours as you danced.

“No,” you answered, “I just don’t usually get this perspective. I’m usually one of the people sitting at a table in the corner.”

“And now you can see what a terrible crime that is,” Jaskier concluded with a sage nod, “And you will never be allowed to watch life pass you by again.”

“Oh is going off on adventures with a witcher and a bard letting life pass you by?” you charged sarcastically, mostly joking but a little bit defensive because you knew the truth of it.

“It is if you keep yourself hidden in the shadows and let them take the stage,” he chided.

“I don’t think anyone could take your place, Jaskier,” you said. The words came out softer and filled with more longing than you’d intended and you saw his eyes widen slightly.

“On the stage,” you explained. A wry smile pulled up the corner of his lips and he shook his head, a shock of hair nearly falling over his eyes.

“Well,” he said, tilting his chin up and giving you a playfully imperious expression, “I should hope not. But I could use a leading lady by my side and Geralt isn’t who I had in mind.”

You laughed and Jaskier, delighted by the sound and the way your face lit up and adorable little wrinkles in the corners of your eyes and the way you threw your head back and every little part that contributed to the masterpiece that was you, kept going. He joked about Geralt being his lovely assistant, trying to decide what sorts of flowers to weave into his crown, the idea of trying to catch him as he swooned when Jaskier defeated an evil-doer with his lute. He talked and you laughed and you danced through it all, bodies moving around the floor with an ease that matched all the lovers around you. When the final song was ended you were both surprised to find the musicians packing up and the floor empty of all but the pair of you, still in each other’s arms.

“Oh no I’ve monopolized your whole night,” you said, worrying your bottom lip between your teeth as you tried to feel guilty and failed.

“Come now, fairest, you know there’s no one I’d rather pass an evening with than you,” Jaskier insisted.

“We see each other all the time though. There were countesses aplenty,” you insisted. You wanted him to say he didn’t care about countesses. You wanted him to say that you were the only one he wanted to be with. You wanted a lot of things, and you rarely ever got them.

Rarely, but not never.

“Were there?” he mused, “I only recall one woman, and though I don’t believe she was a countess, she commanded my attention far more than any I’d ever met.”

This was the moment.

This was the moment you would kiss Jaskier de Lettenhove.

This would be the moment, that is, if you were a bit braver. He watched your face carefully, seeing the emotions wash over your face from shock to excitement to anxiety and finally to sad resignation. You forced a smile you didn’t feel and took a deep breath that exhaled in a sigh.

“Thank you, Jaskier,” you said.

This was the moment Jaskier would see it.

The signal that you wanted more.

Even the slightest head tilt towards him would be enough for him to take another step, make a move he’d been uncharacteristically nervous to make. He itched to pull you closer when you moved away again and but instead he stood and watched until disappointment forced his head to droop downwards, eyes falling away from another missed opportunity.

He barely heard the rapid patter of footsteps, eyes lifting at the scent of the perfume you’d worn that evening returning and his face was still just beginning to light up with hope when you used his shoulders for leverage as you hoisted yourself up into a kiss. His arms quickly found you and aided you, anchoring and lifting you as your lips crushed together in an ungraceful collision. It was nothing like you’d dreamt of, more accidentally gnashed teeth and you regretted eating so much cheese as you momentarily feared you tasted like gouda, but when you pulled away you saw only bliss on Jaskier’s face.

Bliss, and a healthy smearing of ruddy lipstick that you knew was smeared across yours as well.

You didn’t care.

“What… why…”

Jaskier couldn’t put his questions or thoughts into words, fearful that any deeper insight would lead to the end of his dream come to life.

“Someone very wise once told me that you can’t let life pass you by,” you answered his half-formed thoughts, tenderly brushing his hair out of his face to keep the azure eyes unobscured.

“He sounds very wise. And handsome,” Jaskier quipped. You laughed and pressed another kiss against his lips, giddy with the freedom to kiss him as you wished instead of simply watching and longing.

#Anonymous #Jaskier x Reader #Jaskier imagines #Jaskier fluff #reader request

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