#this wouldnt be significant if not for the fact that i almost never dream

[magioftheseas]

Day 1 - Reserve

Written for @the-hinata-project 

Prompt: Reserve Course Student Hinata

Rating: G

Warnings: Lowkey manipulation and insecurity, but other than that, not much.

Notes: Alright, so I’m still in the middle of these, but like... Here’s the first one! They’re all going to be pretty short, around 2K but I’m gonna do my best to finish all of them so wish me luck...! And this first fic is gen. No ships. Next ones won’t be so gen. It’s also pre-HPA. Kind of.

***Alternate Ao3 Link***

Commission? Donate?

The last wish he made on New Year’s was a simple one.

I want to get into Hope’s Peak.

But of course that  would never happen.

“Can’t you dream more realistically, Hajime? Do you have any idea how expensive Hope’s Peak actually is? We can’t afford that.”

“I... I know that, but...”

“If you know then why are you burdening us with this? Please. Just think about other people besides yourself for once.”

“...sorry.”

His mother sighs, but ruffles his hair in a show of affection.

“You current high school isn’t so bad, right? You can make good friends here, and it’s a fine school.”

“I guess it’s...decent,” he mumbles.

“Just don’t even worry about Hope’s Peak anymore,” she tells him. “It’s impossible, and it can’t be helped. Keep your chin up. Okay?”

“...fine...”

Because he knew, after all, that she had a point. They couldn’t afford it. And he wasn’t talented. It was a pipe dream to attend. Nothing more. Nothing less.

Still...

--

For his birthday, he was given a new laptop to replace the old. It was a fairly recent model. Pretty expensive. Likely compensation. He can’t say he didn’t like it.

He wasn’t ungrateful. He doesn’t think so.

It’s just that I admire Hope’s Peak more than anything.

So much so that he finds himself on the forums first thing.

>Does anyone have any idea who’s going to be in the upcoming batch?

>They haven’t finished scouting, right? Oh, but I just saw on the news that an actual princess was accepted! Hope’s Peak really can get in anyone!

>Wow, actual royalty?!

>There’s this photographer I follow. She’s getting in, too, I’m pretty sure.

>I just saw Saionji Hiyoko-san’s performance last week. I’m positive she’s getting in.

>I’m more interested in the princess. Can you imagine how lucky it would be to meet an actual princess?

>>They’ll be running the lottery in a month or so. What I would give to have more of a chance...

>Wow, they’re doing that again?

>With how much getting into the reserve course costs, you probably have a better chance with the lottery...

>But if you win the lottery, you’re actually considered talented. Reserves are just...y’know, reserves.

>But you’ll get to meet the princess, potentially. I think the money’s worth it, even if all I can do is steal a glance!

>Still... Seems so lame that you can just pay your way in...

>But brand name recognition is pretty powerful...

>>I heard you can actually get into the main course from the reserve course if you do well enough.

>No way! That’s a pipe dream! Maybe if you paid like, twice as much!

>Must be nice to be rich, huh...

Hinata stares, wondering what to type, but also letting the thoughts swirl around in his head.

>>I would do anything to get into Hope’s Peak. But my family just can’t afford that.

>Yeah, mine neither. Who actually can?

>You’d be surprised... They’re getting a lot of enrollments.

>You can’t like...get a scholarship or anything? It’s not like you need to go to college after attending Hope’s Peak.

>Well the golden gates can’t open that wide, I suppose...

>It’s for the best. If just about anyone could get in, it wouldn’t be that special.

Hinata bites his lip, picking at the peeling skin with his teeth.

>>Still. I want to get in more than anything.

>If you aren’t talented, it can’t be helped.

>>I would give anything.

>Pffft. No kidding. I’d give an arm and a leg, probably.

>>I would give anything.

>A lot of people would.

>You’re like a super fan, huh. Well, I am, too, but still...

>>Getting into Hope’s Peak has always been my dream.

>Everyone wants to be special, man.

>But if everyone was special then no one would be special.

>It can’t be helped. You’re either born talented or you aren’t.

>Right?! I must have spent hours drawing but there was always that one person I could just never compare to. It’s hopeless!

>You shouldn’t say hopeless on the Hope’s Peak forums!

>Haha, sorry!

>>I’ve never been talented. There’s not one thing I’m particularly good at.

>Normie...

>>But I want to get into Hope’s Peak Academy... More than anything.

>Give it up. For your own good. Wishing for the impossible isn’t healthy.

>Hey, don’t tell him that! What if he ends up winning the lottery?

>Yeah, right!

>>I’m not particularly lucky, either.

>Luck’s not a talent anyway.

>Are you sure? I’ve known people who get ridiculously lucky while gambling...

>If they gamble too much, that luck’s bound to run out. And I bet they’re not that lucky, they just brag a lot.

>That might be true... Still it would be nice just to get into Hope’s Peak by chance...

>Whoever wins that lottery probably is ridiculously lucky considering how many people are participating. We’re talking like, every high school student in their first year in the country.

>Sucks to be other countries, huh.

>Maybe someday but for now, I like not having that much competition.

>Still a ridiculous amount competing...

>I bet it’ll be someone who can afford the reserve course if they haven’t already enrolled.

>No fair! That kind of thing should disqualify you immediately!

>>I just...want to get in...

>Yeah we all do. But it’s impossible.

>Impossible.

>Totally impossible.

>Pigs will fly first.

>I heard some Ultimates actually can make some crazy shit. We might see flying pigs pretty soon.

>That’s terrifying.

>>I just want to get in.

>You should get offline.

He should. He really, really should.

Is it really impossible?

“Of course it is,” he can practically hear them murmur. “Not only are you untalented, you can’t afford it! And you’re going to win the lottery, either!”

Hinata buries his face into his hands, shuddering.

I just... I just...

--

To his surprise, he later receives a DM. Shivering, he clicks it open.

>Would you really do anything for Hope’s Peak?

He doesn’t recognize the name of the sender but...it looks official.

>>Yes. Of course. Why?

>There actually is a program you can sign up for that will get you in without having to pay a coin.

Hinata blinked once. Twice.

It’s way too good to be true.

But he’s desperate. Beyond desperate.

>>What is this program? How can I sign up?

>Here’s the information.

--

What he’s about to do is how people get themselves abducted, he’s pretty sure. But right now, he’s desperate and... If it really was someone associated with Hope’s Peak, how bad can it be? What’s the worse than can happen?

I already have no chance getting in. I know that... But...

His heart was pounding as he took the train. He stared out the window, at HPA’s towering buildings in the distance, getting closer and closer, and he sucks in his breath.

It’s so shining that it hurts to look at.

Shining like a dream...

--

“Ah, Hinata-kun, you made it after all. So you have the necessary information?”

“Uh... Yes...” Truth be told, he didn’t understand most of it. There were a lot of words that were hard to read and pretty...advanced. “I just...well you said you couldn’t explain everything in just files, so...”

The other looked pretty professional. Sharply dressed and smiling in a way that at least seemed pretty welcoming. But...still pretty intimidating, considering the circumstances. Hinata ducked his head, feeling rather flustered.

“Yes, it’s meant to be kept very tightly under wraps, you see,” they laugh. “I need to assure confidentiality before explaining, Hinata-kun. Surely you understand.”

That’s...weird.

But it made his blood thrum with excitement to be a part of.

“I... Y-Yes, of course. Absolutely... Of course...”

“Sign this form, then, promising that.”

“O-Of course...!”

He scribbles down his signature without a second thought. The other smiled more, pleased. Hinata squirmed in his seat, and tried to keep his posture straight.

With that, the other sat across from him, polite and yet...expectant.

Ah... Hah...

“So you’re willing to do anything for this school,” they say, voice almost light but also dense with significance. “Might I ask why?”

“It’s...as I said on the forums,” Hinata mumbles, fiddling with his tie. Even dressed professionally for this would-be interview, he feels underdressed. “I’ve always admired this school. Always. It’s always been my dream to...to go there...”

The other nods, expression unchanged.

“And why do you wish so badly to go there, despite not having a talent that can be cultivated?”

Hinata flinched.

“T-That’s...! I...” He hesitates, but he soon finds the words just spilling out. “I just want to be someone I can be proud of. Someone who can stand tall. Be confident. Be significant. Isn’t that what I deserve?”

“Isn’t that what everyone deserves?”

Hinata’s nails dig into his palms.

“I admire Hope’s Peak...more than anyone. I will give whatever I can...and then more than that...if I have to.” His teeth grit. “Whatever it takes... W-Whatever it takes...!”

Even though I know it’s selfish and impossible, I just...!

He just wanted to be someone. Someone other than...this.

Unimportant. Unremarkable. A faceless, meaningless part of the mass. The idea of being consumed by mediocrity and insignificance for the rest of his life, never to matter, never to even be remembered, just to disappear, just like he never even existed—

“I’ll do...w-whatever...it takes...” He’s shaking, eyes wide and crazed. “Whatever it takes... Whatever I can...and then more than that...if I have to.”

“Ah. I see.” An easy smile. And yet, the atmosphere felt so heavy that it was near suffocating. “Very well then, Hinata-kun. That’s exactly the kind of attitude we’re looking for.”

Hinata lit up.

“R-Really?” He dares to let hope slip into his tone. “D-Do you really mean it?”

A nod.

“Hinata-kun... If you could be reborn from the faceless body of a miserable nobody into the world’s hope... Would you?”

“That...sounds too good to be true...” His heart really was racing, but he was flushed with excitement. “But... Y-Yeah... I... Of course...”

“Then, allow me to tell you about how that can be possible. If you agree, you’ll be accepted into the school, free of charge, no talent necessary. In fact, it’s even essential that you be talentless.”

I...don’t understand.

He doesn’t understand but it just sounds so incredible that he can’t help but be swayed.

“...tell me.”

“Very well.”

A folder of files is placed before him. They look too important to grasp. And the stamped out letters of CONFIDENTIAL stare back into his wide-eyed, shimmering gaze.

Fingers trembling, Hinata actually slices his finger open as he flips it open.

He doesn’t even feel the sting, as engrossed as he is in the text.

“I...”

The words swirl around in his head, over and over until he drowns in them.

“Do you need time to think about it?” the other asks him kindly. So kindly that Hinata is struck cold. “Tell you what... You can still get into the reserve course. You don’t have to say yes right away, and the deadline will be in a few months from now. You can attend classes here until then...and then make your decision on whether or not you’re willing to stay. Okay?”

“I... O-Okay.” Hinata swallows. “That’s... I’m okay with that.”

I said I’d do anything. And I do...want to do anything. But...

His hands are shaking while still gripping the files.

I can’t...let this chance slip by...even if it’s something like this. This is everything I ever wanted. Why am I even hesitating?

“It’s alright,” the other says reassuringly, taking the files away with ease. “Hinata-kun, I know you’ll make the best decision for yourself.”

For...myself. Myself...

“I...yes.”

“I’ll have them send in your acceptance letter and uniform.” His hand is shook, the grip warm and calloused. “It was a pleasure meeting you, Hinata-kun.”

“A-A pleasure... Yeah.”

Just like that, Hinata was stumbling out of Hope’s Peak, trembling and falling to pieces with every shaky step.

I have to do it, he can’t help but think. I have to do it, for...for myself...

This was going to be the year his life changed irreparably. He was sure of it.

#thehinataproject #hajime hinata #hinata hajime #Magi fics #the hinata project #although it's not going to show up #I might as well #I'll probably have to message someone anyway #The tragedy of being muted

[xo-ellisa]

A letter for you

First of, I have waited a long time to finally gather all the courage i have within me in putting into words all the things I’m about to tell you. But forgive me, for i am not best at writing and may not use the best words and neither the best way in expressing my own thoughts and feelings. Be that as it may, i feel like this is about time to write this letter to you as i do not want to live life in remorse for not saying the things i should have said and for keeping these to myself too much. So please bear with me, I hope reading this will help you receive the message I have been trying to send you.

My dearest love, we both know how much you mean to me; almost like an oxygen that helps me to keep surviving. You are everything. My world lit with the endless love, passion and strength you provide me. Senses of hopes and dreams are what I am able to lay hold of at last -- because you make me feel that life is not always so gloomy and mundane.

 I used to consider myself as the unlucky one for not being able to have a taste of what true happiness is like, and i tried to live my life accepting those facts. But my love, as you walked in into mine, everything seems to be in the realms of possibility, as if grasping the stars are attainable. i do not know if one could ever feel the way i feel on a person, but this feeling i have towards you is by far the biggest, and greatest feeling i have ever experience in my entire life. You give me cold feet along with sense of joy. It’s scary but at the same time, worth it.

Of course, I never said it would be easy for us, a relationship is rather full of challenges and struggles. I admit, sometimes it terrifies me because things do not always go the way we want it to be. At times, we hurt the people we love and it is inevitable even when we try to. You hurt me, and I hurt you too. Indeed, bad choices are not always seen as mistakes, but it is all a part of learning process.  And that is why our relationship is so beautiful, as we could even turn those bad, painful and suffering moments into something so positive which helps us in becoming stronger, better. 

And together, we shall prove everyone that we are meant to be, that we are inseparable. Challenges may throw us into deep of the ocean, and hole of fire even. It may beat us to the ground, and burn us to dusk— even when everything seems to be so hopeless and in despair, i would forever still, hold on to you and i know you would too. I have always believe how much you are capable of and the good of a person you are, and I have never stopped believing in that. We love each other a lot, and that is all that matters. They say, as long as we hold on to each other, we shall remain forever. After all, we are the pillar of our relationship and without one of us, our home will never stand still.

I know, at times you may wonder why I choose to love you. And like I have always told you, it has always been because of your true self,  inside out. I am inlove with every detail of you that is impossible to ever find another person who is exactly like you. Of course, nobody is perfect, but those traits that we define as ‘flaws’ to ourselves are what define us, as us. I love your whole personality; a person who has a heart of gold, so loving and thoughtful, quirky but in a good way, serious yet can be so goofy and much, much more. I love every part of you and even down to the smallest detail. Even a simple gesture or action manage to tickle my heart and put me into joy. Its amazingly weird that I am so inlove with you even when you did not have to do anything but being your whole self. You are so perfect in your way that I have always asked myself “how can i be so lucky to have this person as mine”.

But most importantly, i love you for how you make me feel about myself when i am with you. The version of me, i feel like i can be at my best only when i am with you. You taught me on so many things, advised me on numerous stuffs, and has always reminded me on something so big and so important in life, which is to love myself more. I have always been tough to myself but you love me unconditionally and have always given me room to make mistakes and ready to correct me when i need to be corrected. You have always told me i am better than i think, pushed me out of my comfort zone and inspired me to always improve myself.

And for that i am grateful that you stepped into my life and changed the world for me, making it a better place to live in. Thank you for choosing me when you could have chosen anyone else in this world. Thank you for loving me even when i feel like i dont deserve to be loved. Thank you for standing by me even when the world screwed me over. But most of all, thank you for not giving up on me and still see me as the best even when i give reasons for you to be wrong. If only you knew how long i have waited and how much i had to go through to be able to find someone like you, you wouldnt believe it. Your existence has played so much role in my life. Not even words could describe how incredibly fortunate i feel to have you as my significant other. You are the greatest blessing from god, a gift from heaven indeed. And i would never take such blessing for granted. I love you, and i love you always.

With endless love; tight, assuring hugs; and showers of kisses,

Ellisa.

[ot3-old]

tell me about all the alpha switched johns

ITS TWO AM SO YMMV WITH THIS ONE RE: COHERENCY BUT. 

OH MAN i actually had a very large au written up forever ago (i’m talking 2012) called scratchswapped which, at the time hadn’t been done to death yet. it was exactly what it sounded like. i don’t think theres any way to talk about this au without talking about jane too because the act of switching poppop and nanna’s places really changes a lot about the crockerbert family dynamic. i have over thought this a ton. lets hope the readmore code is the same because this is long. 

so in a beta universe where the order was poppop -> dad -> jane i think there’d be some pretty significant changes. we know the condesce left the beta timeline to go to the alpha timeline sometime around nanna’s young adulthood. i want to say she was around eighteen or so  but this could be completely fanon that i’m misremembering as canon so take it with a grain of salt. regardless, we know that 1. the condesce left nanna’s life right before she could reveal that she managed to learn her secret and 2. that the condesce was an abusive guardian.

we also know that john’s the only one who never rebelled against her, in the traditional sense. he didn’t run and he didn’t fight. so in an au where poppop ends up in nannas place instead it’s really curious to wonder what things would be like when the condesce just exits stage left. i think he’d have to start thinking for himself and directing his own life in a way. i think he really wouldn’t know what to do with himself

i think maybe he starts introducing himself to other people with a new name and it starts off as a joke and eventually he just keeps it because he likes it better and he know’s its strange but can’t really bring himself to question his decision. i think he marries a woman he meets because he feels like that’s how life is supposed to go when you’re an adult. IIRC in canon timeline condy pulls the rug out from jane’s feet and ends up leaving crockercorp to gpa instead as one last fuck you to her, but i can’t see condy giving the company to jade over john. so i think its his and i think he just dumps it off on whoever the highest executive is, cuts his losses, and fuck runs

maybe he still buys the joke shop. he likes to make people laugh and his entire childhood, learning to run a business was the only thing anyone bothered to teach him so its all he knows how to do. and thats how you’d end up with jane egbert. who i’ve decided not to elaborate on because this is already getting embarrassingly long.

and then you’d have john crocker. i think things are a little worse for him then they are for jane in some ways. for one, the brainwashing and conditioning jane had to endure was subtle until it wasn’t but i think with john the condesce would need a firmer hand because 1. john, while incredibly suggestible, is almost physically incapable of being told what to do if he doesn’t want to do that thing and 2. this would be a timeline where nanna had enough time to bring her condemning evidence against crockercorp to light, and im sure the consequences of that on the entire prospit family (and alpha bro dirk/ alpha mom roxy, but i digress)  were grim

this is also a john we’d be introduced to starting at age 16 instead of 13 and im one of the very firm believers of the interpretation that john is someone who, over the course of the epilogue and the yellow yard, is struggling with some very serious depression. so i think that combined with the pressure of inheriting crockercorp AND being actively brainwashed i think he’d be in a very bad place. and i think he’d love his dad but i think there’d be this gap there, because dad doesn’t really know how to relate to and engage with john because john isn’t really in a place to be engaged with.

but i can’t imagine the betas having the interpersonal issues the alphas had ever. i think that jade would have figured out rose and dave’s Future Secrets by merit of her prospit dreams and just being a shrewd girl in general. i think she would have told john and i think john would have believed her. and so i think that john, who lives in the suburbs with a loving parent, while all of his friends are in these absolutely horrible situations, would feel very bad for feeling so depressed when in his eyes everyone else has it worse. john is incredibly compassionate and supportive towards his friends, except when he accidentally takes a joke too far and ends up hurting people without realizing, and it’s show in canon that he thinks of himself as dumber than his friends. its such a significant thing in his brain that that’s the physical manifestation his nightmares taken when gamzee chucklevoodoos him. its the writing on the wall, quite literally.

and so i think that john would see the thing in his life that he’s viewing as the source of his problems: his father, his future career, himself, and just view it all as petty, stupid, and childish compared to what his friend are going for. so, in his typical fashion. he’d bottle it up. and i dont think it’d really be addressed for him until there was a big betty crocker reveal a la Gusher Breakdown.

but john would never go crockertier. its a very significant fact about his character that he’s fundamentally uncorruptable. the thing about crockertier jane and grimbark jake was that their corruptions both exacerbated the negative aspects of themselves they had tamped down: grimbark jade was harshly judgemental and critical. this sort of behavior is seen in her conversations with karkat and jadesprite. jade wants the people in her life - including herself! - to get their shit together in a much more rational way. grimbark took those feelings and amped them up to 11. for jane, crockertier did essentially the same thing, but it did it with her desire to but inability to make herself just say what’s on her god damned mind. but these are both external problems to a degree. their problems are in the way they interact with those around them.

john’s problems are entirely involved with his sense of self. i truly believe he holds none of the pent up resentment for his friends that a lot of the homestuck characters (and a lot of people in general) do. i don’t think there’s enough ill intent in him to amiplify via posession or mind control.

but it i think there’d be a breakthrough. john’s character is very archetypal in terms of coming of age stories. entrance into the unfamiliar new world, death of the father, apotheosis in as literal a form as it gets, and a lot of that is about a loss of innocence. for john this is finding out that everything he believed about the world and thought he knew was misinformed. and i think, an alphaverse john, who was already sort of at his lowest point before finding this out, i think he’d try to take the condesce head on. this is essentially his outburst at davesprite but instead of just shooting out all of this anger at a nearby proxy in a fit of helplessness and hurt he’d have The Big Bad to target things out. and i’m quite sure it’d kill him, perhaps heroic perhaps not. either way it wouldnt last. he just needs to hit rock bottom, get his world turned upside down entirely before he can start shaping his mindset again.

and i should really stop before this gets to be less of john theorizing and more of just a window into my brain.

ANYWAY theres my thoughts, unless you were asking about john in jane, roxy, dirk, and jake’s places respectively, in which case im sorry for only answering 1/4th of your question

#long post #john egbert #john rant the blog #Anonymous

[lifes-a-dick]

#Sherlocklives

John says he’d rather have anyone but Sherlock. So Sherlock fixates on this “Anyone” person who John prefers over him. 

Faith says he’s nicer than Anyone, which is something at least. Then Mary reveals that Anyone won’t save John, because there isn’t Anyone. Culverton Smith says he wants to kill Anyone and Sherlock decides that’s how he could become Anyone.

So Sherlock walks into Culverton’s lair and lies down to die, because then he will be Anyone and John will want him.  

Sherlock became that person that John said he would rather have (Anyone) when Smith tried to murder him, because that’s when he discovered that he wants to live. 

Continued under the cut...

SHERLOCK IS ANYONE

Why did John want Anyone more than he wanted Sherlock at the end of T6T?  John told Sherlock in TAB that he needed him to “hold himself to a higher standard”. With Mary’s death in T6T as a stand-in for Sherlock’s, John’s outburst and release of anger and sadness was because Sherlock broke his vow, THE vow, the first and the last one, the one he made in TSoT when he said “I’ll always be there”. 

EMP makes most sense if it begins at a moment that Sherlock “died” in the surface level, leaving John alive. Which means TRF or HLV. Then S4 can be read as a many-layered symbolic clusterfuck of the consequences for John of Sherlock’s death, the consequences of the enemy (heteronormativity) winning, a mirrorverse where characterizations are back to their starting points suggesting that our characters have not yet challenged and defeated their facades (and that this is a problem), and mixed all throughout it is Sherlock learning and accomplishing what he needs to in order to defeat his inner demons and come back to life.

Having died, Sherlock has failed John by not being there - by not living. So John’s rejection of Sherlock at the end of T6T is a reflection of the anger and hurt of real-John over Sherlock’s death.

What Sherlock discovers in TLD, is that sacrificing himself like he did in TRF, like he did in HLV, and letting himself die, isn’t how you save John Watson. You save him by saving yourself.

Mary’s posthumous message in T6T tells Sherlock that putting himself in harm’s way was how he would save John. But she was wrong.

Sherlock would save John not by trying to die but by deciding to live. 

Because...

#sherlocklives means #johnwatsonlives  

TLD was Sherlock’s last chance to get it right, and he did. I know I go on about this constantly, but listen... if Sherlock and John save each other’s lives, then symbolically they also die without each other, hence the subtext in ASiP that both were suicidal before they met. 

At the end of T6T John has locked himself away in his house. He won’t see Sherlock, and gives Molly a note to give him, and a message to pass on. 

John rejects this version of Sherlock who comes to his door, because this Sherlock is the one that insists on dying to save him, thinking that it will work, that he would be safe and eventually happy that way. But Sherlock is wrong of course and is blind to John’s love for him, and the fact that #sherlocklives means #johnwatsonlives, as John himself put it in his blog.

If Sherlock doesn’t figure this out, and save himself, John will die. 

When Sherlock comes to his door, John is dying.

Sherlock’s subconscious is telling him a story using symbols and metaphors, old cases, things he’s read, snippets from his life, his fears and fantasies, to allow him solve this puzzle which also happens to be the final problem - staying alive. Sherlock is beginning to figure this out as T6T comes to an end.

Mary (on DVD): “You can’t save John because he won’t let you. He won’t allow himself to be saved. The only way to save John … is to make him save you.”

Mary is saying the same thing i just said, it’s just hidden, because we cover our ears and sing la la la when she talks, and again, she got it half wrong.

“You can’t save John because he won’t let you.” Read: Sherlock can’t save John by sacrificing his life to ensure John’s safety like he did in TRF, because it’s important to John, for Reasons, that Sherlock doesn’t die.

“He won’t allow himself to be saved” Read: He won’t let Sherlock die for him. 

“The only way to save John is to make him save you” Because Sherlock lives means John Watson lives. "Make him save you” isn’t referring to John bursting into the room with a giant fire extinguisher, it’s about Sherlock letting John into his heart. It’s about Sherlock understanding that he is John’s reason to live. The only way to save John is to save himself. “Make him save you” means make him be your reason to live, and live, for him, and that will save him too, because you, Sherlock, are his reason to live. 

John bursting into the room with the fire extinguisher wasn’t the moment that Sherlock was saved, it was actually the moment John was saved.

S4 is about consequences - the consequences of Sherlock’s death. Just one of these consequences is that #sherlocklives means #johnwatsonlives and therefore the opposite is also true - John dies if Sherlock dies. 

It’s why “John Watson is definitely in danger” when Sherlock is fading away after being shot. 

It’s why John gives Sherlock a note when he comes to his door, which we never find out what it contains. We don’t find out the contents of the note, because only the call-back to TRF is necessary to understand it’s significance.

It’s what people do, don’t they? Leave a note?

Immediately preceding the note scene is Sherlock in Ella’s office asking the question “I need to know what to do. About John”. 

He and Ella are Sherlock’s mind asking his heart for help. It’s why we’re in the attic, which represents the mind, but the walls don’t reach the ground, because we’re half-way down towards the heart. It’s why Ella tells him that this is a “two-way relationship”. He needs to start this conversation. 

Ella (Sherlock’s heart): “I can only help you, if you completely open yourself up to me”

Then Sherlock’s dream skips right from Ella to Molly, from the question to the solution. 

Sherlock finds out at John’s door that John is dying, because his own mind used a piece of his past, a phone-call that was his suicide note. What Molly said to Sherlock is the key to what Sherlock will need to do to save John; he’d rather have Anyone but you. Anyone.

‘Anyone’ is the version of himself that Sherlock needs to become to save John. Anyone is the person who John already thinks Sherlock is, Sherlock just needs to actually become that person. And he’s almost there.

The scene at John’s door is actually sandwiched within two cuts of Mary’s DVD message. Mary’s voice delivers the answer, but as she is a villain of his own mind at the moment, the answer is hidden, with the truth obscured inside an order to essentially kill himself. The answer is in fact not to die, but to live, which Sherlock learns in that hospital bed. Mary’s advice worked, but only because Sherlock made that last step on his own, the moment when he was about to die, but instead discovered his reason to live.

"Pick a fight with a bad guy, put yourself in harm’s way, if he won’t let you save him, make him save you”.

“If he won’t let you save him…

“…make him save you”

The only way that John can save Sherlock, is if Sherlock comes to realize the value of his life to John. All he wants is to save John, and once he learns that saving himself is the only way to do that, he has found what he’s been searching for - a way to make John happy, and it just so happens to be himself.

“Make him save you” doesn’t mean John rescuing him each time he decides to off himself for the greater good. It’s about Sherlock holding himself to a higher standard, valuing his own life, not letting those who want him dead win, not assuming John will get over him and move on, not assuming the world is better off without him, understanding and accepting that he himself is John’s reason to live, just as John is his. 

The climax of this transformation happened when Culverton Smith tried to kill him…

Culverton gets off on the fact that his victim values their own life, that he’s taking something from them when he takes their life. It obviously wouldn’t be as pleasurable for Smith if his victim didn’t care if they died, and Sherlock has just told Smith that “I want you to kill me”. So to get his kicks, Culverton prompts Sherlock to say and admit that he doesn’t actually want to die, despite apparently having his reasons for wanting to be dead. Here’s the dialogue, and you can see the way Culverton, in trying to get this out of Sherlock for his own sick pleasure, inadvertently leads Sherlock to discover perhaps for the first time ever that his words are heartfelt, and that he truly does not want to die.

SMITH: Before we start… tell me how you feel. (He reaches to the shirt cuff on his left hand and takes out the cufflink.) SHERLOCK: I feel scared.  SMITH: Be more specific. You only get to do this the once. SHERLOCK: I’m … scared of dying. SMITH: You wanted this, though. (He starts to roll up his shirtsleeves.) SHERLOCK: I have … reasons. SMITH: But you don’t actually want to die. SHERLOCK: No. SMITH: Good. (Still smiling, he continues rolling up his sleeves.) Say that for me. Say it. SHERLOCK (frowning slightly): I don’t want to die. SMITH (looking at his left sleeve as he rolls it up): And again. SHERLOCK (a little louder and more firmly): I don’t want to die. SMITH (softly, looking at him as he rolls his right sleeve even higher): Once more for luck. SHERLOCK (his voice tearful) : I don’t want to die. I don’t … (He pauses as Smith steps closer to bed and leans over him.) SHERLOCK (tearfully): … don’t want to die. SMITH: Lovely. (Twitching a smile, he straightens up.)(x)

It comes through beautifully in Benedict’s performance that as he says “i don’t want to die” over and over, he is only now discovering that he means it. Without Smith’s cruel build-up to the act, Sherlock may not have found this out. 

Ignoring for a moment that Mary exists, her posthumous advice on how Sherlock should save John was to put himself in harm’s way, and it worked... sort of.

But as John says later, “Mary was wrong”. John didn’t rush to save Sherlock. He went to him earlier specifically to say goodbye and leave his cane. 

Nurse Cornish assumes that John is saying goodbye to Sherlock because Sherlock is weak and dying, so she corrects him that Sherlock is strong and will pull through. That’s not what John meant though. John is the one who is dying. John is the one who gave Sherlock a note and his cane to say goodbye. Because John is giving up hope here that Sherlock will find a way to save him, giving up hope that Sherlock can come back to life. We keep on returning to Sherlock’s last vow, when he told John he’d always be there. 

Because here’s the very subtle thing that occurs here in the hospital scene:

John didn’t rush to Sherlock to save him. He had in fact said his goodbyes and was preparing to fade away and die without Sherlock to save him, because Sherlock apparently wasn’t going to figure out how to do that in time:

John burst through the door only after Sherlock had experienced his revelation that he wanted to live, because (**symbolically**) at the exact moment that Sherlock acknowledged the value of his own life, John was saved. 

Sherlock understands here at the end of TLD the value of his life, even if he doesn’t yet know how to “spend that currency”. That last step is what Sherlock will tackle in TFP, when again totally in the realm of the metaphorical, Sherlock and the part of himself he had locked away are brought back together, and begin to heal and work in harmony. 

At the end of TFP Sherlock is ready for romantic entanglement.

I’ve got just one more point to make here, about the subtextual climax of TFP and what it means.

I’ve said before that the kiss has already happened in an alternate universe - because at the subtext level we were given a completed romance, with all the pieces coming together. Sherlock and John saving each other, Sherlock’s heart and mind working together, Sherlock healing his fear/rejection of love and sentiment.

The moment Sherlock bursts into the imaginary plane’s cockpit and hugs Eurus (saves the lost part of himself) is the same moment that John is pulled from the well (saved from being chained and slowly drowning in his repressed gay emotions, so to speak). These two things happened near simultaneously because, just like in TLD, they are 

Sherlock saving himself...

...which saves John.

Bonus: There’s another type of thing that would happen simultaneously and save both their lives - a kiss. You can’t kiss someone without them kissing you too (okay…you could, but....). What I’m saying is….. a kiss is what saves them both, because a kiss is the equivalent surface-level demonstration of Sherlock and John saving each other’s lives, a less weird version than the metaphors TFP gave us.

The end of TLD also tells us that Sherlock is ready for romantic entanglement: 

“Romantic entanglement would complete you as a human being.”

Let’s reverse this sentence and see what it tells us:

“Completing you as a human being will make you ready for romantic entanglement”

This way around it makes more sense in regard to what happened in TFP. Sherlock was completed as a human being when the two long-separated parts of himself found each other again, had it out, then began a long-term relationship of tolerance and acceptance. 

“Romantic entanglement would complete you as a human being”

TFP tells us that Sherlock is now complete as a human being, and with that, we’ve been told, will come the romantic entanglement. Because strictly speaking, according to the quote above, it’s romance that completes him, not the other way around. By saving Eurus, he saved John. And by saving Eurus, he completed himself. 

TL;DR of S4: In T6T Sherlock figures out what he did wrong that got him killed. In TLD he learns how to save John, and the answer is to save himself. So in TFP he heads off to save himself - the part of him he considered dangerous, that he locked away and had forgotten existed. With the two halves of himself reunited, he’s “complete as a human being”. Mind palace mission complete, Sherlock is ready to wake up. Thanks for reading :) <3

More meta: Sherlock is Anyone | ANYONE | This convo | This one too 

@isitandwonder @monikakrasnorada @longsnowsmoon5 @may-shepard @loveismyrevolution @gosherlocked @devoursjohnlock @teaandqueerbaiting @themanandthemachine @the-7-percent-solution @shadow3214 @impossibleleaf @shylockgnomes gah and all the other peeps. You’re tagged.

#anyone #sherlocklives #sherlock s4 #emp #mary is moriarty #tjlc #johnlock #everyone's been talking about this today so i'm tossing this out there #just imagine there's pretty pics in there

[multiple-nerdery]

All asks

1. Are looks important in a relationship? Done

2. Are relationships ever worth it? If I thought the answer was no, I wouldn’t be in one so...

3. Are you a virgin? Not since almost a year ago

4. Are you in a relationship? Yes and she’s perfect

5. Are you in love? See above

6. Are you single this year? I am not

7. Can you commit to one person? Can have and am

8. Describe your crush done

9. Describe your perfect mate Its my gf of course she’s perfect

10. Do you believe in love at first sight? Nah. You have to know someone to love them.

11. Do you ever want to get married? I could see it happening. I wouldnt mind if it didn’t. Its way too early inn my life to think about shit like that

12. Do you forgive betrayal? Done

13. Do you get jealous easily? Done

14. Do you have a crush on anyone? Guys I think I might hhave a crush on my gf

15. Do you have any piercings? I want some

16. Do you have any tattoos? I want some

17. Do you like kissing in public? Not if other people are doing it, but so much yes if i’m doing it

20. Do you shower every day? Who tf doesn’t

21. Do you think someone has feelings for you? Guys I think my gf might have a crush on me

22. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now? My gf is asleep so mayybe she’s dreaming about me. (also my bff thinks about me she’s gay andcool)

23. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat? I’ve done it before

24. Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years? Doubt it. I won’t even be finished with grad school

25. Do you want to be in a relationship this year? I want to be in the one I’m in

26. Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you? Ye

27. Has someone ever written a song or poem for you? done

28. Have you ever been cheated on? not that I know of. Since I trust and care about my exes, I will believe they didn’t unless evidence happens

29. Have you ever cheated on someone? done. but it bears repeating. no. I could never

30. Have you ever considered plastic surgery? If so, what would you change about your body? Nah. It’s too expensive

31. Have you ever cried over a guy/girl? Yep

32. Have you ever experienced unrequited love? Ye boi

33. Have you ever had sex with a man? No

34. Have you ever had sex with a woman? well all of them are nbs. so... i guess also no?

35. Have you ever kissed someone older than you? yep

36. Have you ever liked one of your best friends? yeah friendships are how crushes start for me. not my current best friend though

37. Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated? More like one asshole friend who tried to slander the relationship, seduce me out of it, and then when it ended for other reasons, almost immediately accused me of trying to sabotage thier relationship for just being friendly

38. Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to? I never expected to like anyone.

39. Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have? All the damn time

40. Have you ever written a song or poem for someone? Ye. I recorded a cover once too. I might do that again but would have to choose the song.

41. Have you had sex so far this year? This is the year in which I have had the most sex.

42. How long can you just kiss until your hands start to wander? As long as the person I’m kissing wants

43. How long was your longest relationship? 2 years, 3 months, 29 days but it was on again off again a little bit

44. How many boyfriends/girlfriends have you had? 4, but #3 is the same person as #4

45. How many people did you kiss in 2012/2013? none

46. How many times did you have sex last year? In 2016? No more than like 7

47. How old are you? 18, 19 in 8 days

48. If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say? I would cry

49. If you have a boyfriend/girlfriend, what is your favorite thing about him/her? can I say everything she is so cute and perfect oh my god and her sense of humor is great i could just lay around all day watching youtube with her

50. If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept? far as I know, he has nothing to apologize for. I’d be impressed he made it from (Iowa?) to NYC tho. And i love presents i always accept them

51. Is there a boy/girl who you would do absolutely everything for? Yep. She my gf

52. Is there anyone you’ve given up on? Why? Ahngst person. I’m through putting up with their bullshit about abandoning people who care about them. They hurt multiple of my friends, irreparably. They avoided us when we happened to run into them in the coffee shop they work at but then turned around and started low-key stalking my bff. they don’t deserve any affection from me. I don’t hate them, but they can’t be part of my life healthily anymore. Maybe as friends, much further down the road, but they havve to put in the work for that because hell if I’m reaching out to them.

53. Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are? Last time I dated her there was.

54. Is there someone you will never forget? most people

55. Share a relationship story. with the person I’m currently dating, before we were dating, wee were both up late at night talking, and she told me to go look at the stars which were pretty, and she was pretty high and so we went to go get food because she was also hungry and we got chicken nuggets and a pie, and then we laid in a field together and watched the stars

56. State 8 facts about your body I’ve got hands, those hands can type, I’ve got some hair, I have a nose, I have functioning (but not well) eyes, im tall, I’m p skinny because teenage metabolism and I like destroying my body recreationally.

57. Things you want to say to an ex #1: how is things in iowa ya nerd. #2: sorry for putting you through some shit, but I’m glad you value what you got out of it. #3: I love you more than anything thanks for asking me back out.

58. What are five ways to win your heart? gotta be cute, then be really nice to me, then hold me in your arms, thentalk with me for hours on end and finally share memes with me

59. What do you look like? Haha nope

60. What is the biggest age difference between you and any of your partners? 1 year 2 months 4 days

61. What is the first thing you notice in someone? whether they are a human or a lizard

62. What is the sexiest thing someone could ever do for/to you? real talk, I’d kind of like someone (who i love and care about) to get on top of me, tie my hands up above my head, slap me a little and call me names. maybe have me wear a collar too. while i struggle to try and touch her. (OR, you know, a loving and caring relationship, the sexiest thing of all)

63. What is your definition of “having sex”? most sexual contact counts

64. What is your definition of cheating? having a romantic or sexual interaction with someone who is not your partner, that your partner either doesn’t know about or doesn’t condone. flirtinng can count

65. What is your favourite foreplay routine? passionate, rolling around the bed/floor makeouts, neck biting, hickey receiving (and to a lesser extent, giving). teasing. lots of teasing.

66. What is your favourite roleplay? Never done any of those. I don’t think that’s really my thing. (My least favorite is daddy/daughter play)

67. What is your idea of the perfect date? spending any time with my GF whatsoever

68. What is your sexual orientation? asexual, but i’m really sex positive. like. sex is nice but i’m not attracted to anyone

69. What turns you off? trypophobia images. bumpinig heads into places they shouldn’t go. condom breaking. parents coming home thats a big one.

70. What turns you on? being bitten, being pushed down, being challenged in a sexual context, driving esp at night, the idea of doing things in someone elses bed (as long as its clean and they don’t find out), holding hands

71. What was your kinkiest wet dream? I haven’t had a wet dream in a long time, and the last time i did, it was about fucking a chair so.... eh

72. What words do you like to hear during sex? any variant of “oh that feels so good oh my god mmm yes right there don’t stop fuck me harder” and various pleasure moans

73. What’s something sweet you’d like someone to do for you? love and cherish me forever.

74. What’s the most superficial characteristic you look for? does she have a face i could stare at all day and not get bored of it?

75. What’s the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for you? romantically, making out in the backseat of a moving car. platonically, driving the car so me and the other person could make out in the backseat even though we were supposed to go home. There’s more i’m sure but I can’t think of them

76. What’s the sweetest thing you’ve ever done for someone? dunno.

77. What’s your opinion on age differences in relationships? some age differences are okay. some are not. For instance, I’m gonna be 19 next sunday (not tomorrow) and my GF is 17, 18 in october. That’s an okay age gap. 16-20 is not. It has to do more with experience than age, though, since a 16 year old is a child in high school, and a 20 year old is a grown adult in college

78. What’s your dirtiest secret? who I lost my virginity to

79. When was the last time you felt jealous? Why? my gf commented positively on the photo of one of her past crushes. recently. I was worry but I trust her and I know she loves me

80. When was the last time you told someone you loved them? last night

81. Who are five people you find attractive? my gf, my girlfriend, my significant other, my partner and the girl that I love (they’re all the same person)

82. Who is the last person you hugged? shit its been a while i don’t even know

83. Who was your first kiss with? my first bf

84. Why did your last relationship fail? she wasn’t in the right place to be dating at the time. but she is now, and I love her more than anything

85. Would you ever date someone off of the Internet? iunno

#Anonymous

[automatedspambot]

All of them bc fuck you 😂😂

I guess i was asking for this cx 

1. Are looks important in a relationship?

No not really?

2. Are relationships ever worth it?

Yes?

3. Are you a virgin?

Nope cx

4. Are you in a relationship?

Yes ^-^ Ye should all go follow her @music-is-the-last-to-go

5. Are you in love?

Yes! c: 

6. Are you single this year?

Answered in the last set of questions cx

7. Can you commit to one person?

Yeah?? I think? yeah

8. Describe your crush

Shes smol, always wears super cute outfits and her eyes are really pretty but shit at being eyes.

9. Describe your perfect mate

I find mate a strange term to use cx

10. Do you believe in love at first sight?

Yeah but you should get to know the person first cx made that mistake its not fun.

11. Do you ever want to get married?

Yes c: 

12. Do you forgive betrayal?

Stupidly yes :/ 

13. Do you get jealous easily?

Very :/ 

14. Do you have a crush on anyone?

My girlfriend cx 

15. Do you have any piercings?

Both my lobes streched to 12mm, my upper lobe, industrial, tragus, labret and nose

16. Do you have any tattoos?

Answered in the last set of questions cx

17. Do you like kissing in public?

Yeah but not fll on mauling cx

20. Do you shower every day?

Every second day cx 

21. Do you think someone has feelings for you?

i would hope @music-is-the-last-to-go does...

22. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?

Probably not cause i think kate is asleep cx im not intending on poing her to find out cx 

23. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat?

Well I’ve been in one for almost 7 months and I haven’t cx 

24. Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years?

Eh maybe? idk i doubt it 

25. Do you want to be in a relationship this year?

I am cx

26. Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you?

Answered in the last set of questions cx

27. Has someone ever written a song or poem for you?

No? cx 

28. Have you ever been cheated on?

Yes... for 6 months.. woo

29. Have you ever cheated on someone?

Nope

30. Have you ever considered plastic surgery? If so, what would you change about your body?

No but my chest and stomach are shit...

31. Have you ever cried over a guy/girl?

Yes.. oops

32. Have you ever experienced unrequited love?

Yeah

33. Have you ever had sex with a man?

Nope

34. Have you ever had sex with a woman?

Yeah cx

35. Have you ever kissed someone older than you?

Yeah

36. Have you ever liked one of your best friends?

Answered in the last set of questions cx

37. Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated?

Yeah cx

38. Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to?

Yeah

39. Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have?

Yeah

40. Have you ever written a song or poem for someone?

I cant write shit cx 

41. Have you had sex so far this year?

Yeah cx

42. How long can you just kiss until your hands start to wander?

;) no comment cx 

43. How long was your longest relationship?

11 months

44. How many boyfriends/girlfriends have you had?

8 kinda.. 

45. How many people did you kiss in 2012?

Nobody

46. How many times did you have sex last year?

Answered in the last set of questions cx

47. How old are you?

19 c: 

48. If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say?

Neiher me or kate want to think about that cx 

49. If you have a boyfriend/girlfriend, what is your favorite thing about him/her?

Her bus pass.. jk her eyes

50. If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept?

Probably close the door

51. Is there a boy/girl who you would do absolutely everything for?

Yeah Kate and my friends for the most part 

52. Is there anyone you’ve given up on? Why?

Lots of people because they showed no intrest in keeping up th friendship/relationship we had so yeah... :/

53. Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are?

Idk probably someone always has a problem with what i do with my life cx

54. Is there someone you will never forget?

Eh a few.. idk

55. Share a relationship story.

When i went to The Wonder Years with Kate up in Dublin i really wanted to ask her to come to my Grads and Green Daybut i was to scared to so after a while i asked her to Green Day and she was super happy but i wanted to wait till her favourite song to ask her to go to my Grads so i drank alot to gt the courage to ask i guess and i did but she wouldnt believe me because i was tipsy so i asked a security guard a random girl in the crowd and some random guy on the streets of Dublin to tell her i was serious cx they all did after getting of the confusion of what i was asking cx 

56. State 8 facts about your body

Answered in the last set of questions cx

57. Things you want to say to an ex

Go fuck yourself and that i hope your boyfriend knows your probably cheating on him too c: 

58. What are five ways to win your heart?

Chinese,

Pizza,

Cuddles,

Star Wars,

Photography

59. What do you look like? (Post a picture!)

Ah here.. I’ve a profile thing? idk ill post one later ? 

60. What is the biggest age difference between you and any of your partners

A year or so? 

61. What is the first thing you notice in someone?

Usually there eyes/smile and outfit cx

62. What is the sexiest thing someone could ever do for/to you?

Idk cx ? 

63. What is your definition of “having sex”?

Copulation cx 

64. What is your definition of cheating?

Being intimate with someone who isnt your significant other?  

65. What is your favourite foreplay routine?

Chill out fam cx

66. What is your favourite roleplay?

Answered in the last set of questions cx   

67. What is your idea of the perfect date?

Adventure to some abandoned place and nice food and cuddles and kisses

68. What is your sexual orientation?

A trainwreck? Bi i guess 

69. What turns you off?

Smoking, Drugs, thinking your better than everyone else

70. What turns you on?

Neck kisses, cute underwear and making out cx 

71. What was your kinkiest wet dream?

I dont think ive ever had a wet dream cx 

72. What words do you like to hear during sex?

My dad left me... Jk cx well he did but cx 

73. What’s something sweet you’d like someone to do for you?

Buy my a 70-300 f2.8 L lens and a 1dx mkii ? or just a adventure and leave me take nice pictures of them

74. What’s the most superficial characteristic you look for?

Idk pretty eyes? and lips i guess? idk im not really superficial with stuff like that 

75. What’s the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for you?

idk??

76. What’s the sweetest thing you’ve ever done for someone?

Answered in the last set of questions cx

77. What’s your opinion on age differences in relationships?

Depends on the situation

78. What’s your dirtiest secret?

Secrets are secrets for a reason ;) idk really cx 

79. When was the last time you felt jealous? Why?

Idk i havent been in a while tankfully but its usually something stupid and clingy

80. When was the last time you told someone you loved them?

Just now

81. Who are five people you find attractive?

Kate, Myles shhhh, Terrys also cute cx idk ? im not good at this shit 

82. Who is the last person you hugged?

Kate cx

83. Who was your first kiss with?

my first girlfriend ..

84. Why did your last relationship fail?

She was being a controlling asshole for months, it also turned out she cheated on my for more than half of our relationship 

85. Would you ever date someone off of the Internet?

I hve cx 10/10 would not recommenced 

[swampgallows]

the thing is

this was the first wedding i’ve ever gone to where i actually am 1. cognizant (though that might be stretching it lmao) and 2. actually give a shit about the bride and/or groom. and it’s not just somebody i vaguely know, it’s someone who was my best friend throughout high school. other than that, the only weddings i went to were as my parents’ child or my sister’s wedding, which was a huge disaster all around (not to mention i had been hit by the car only a week prior, so i spent the entire wedding in pain and in a wheelchair). 

on top of that, i saw people from high school i hadnt seen in like ten years. two of them were a couple in high school and are not only still together, but had a daughter. i felt like i had nothing to show for myself, that i’ve done nothing with my life. 

one of the bridesmaids, who is the bride’s best friend nowadays, i hadn’t seen since high school. she is a beautiful girl, independent; she had gotten a horde insignia tattoo on her back when we were still in high school. the dress was cut in such a way that i caught a glimpse of a new tattoo on her chest: dovah runes from skyrim. it was really fucking sick. i was such a mess, i barely could get a sentence out, and before i could even finish “how have you bee—” “I joined the air force.” she had just completed her basic training and leaves next week, apparently. i have always admired her but i felt that she never liked me. i dont blame her. i was an embarrassing shithead in high school, and im still quite an embarrassing shithead now.

i became embarrassed that the bride had ever even associated with me, let alone once called me her best friend. i felt i was so caustic to her for no reason, so needlessly critical, and full of so much hatred, i dont know how she could ever stand being around me. but i know we had a lot of laughs together, and she supported me in my endeavors, and i tried supporting her in hers when i could (though i cant imagine i was ever there for her much). 

whatever the opposite of rose-tinted is, that’s how i look back on high school. it was a slog of misery, as was college, but as i look back it seems only the negative ever comes to the surface. the things i was once proud of i’m now only proud of in theory. like, i knew that in high school i loved the rave scene so much and dreamed of one day contributing to it, to a point where i dragged the bride into it, and she dated some guy who was nice enough, but couldnt keep up with her. couldnt bring her up. i feel like that’s my fault, and more than anything i cant imagine a time where i ever brought her up. i feel like all i ever did was annoy people and bring them down. this cant be true or she wouldnt have hung out with me. she wouldnt have invited me to her wedding, years and years later. 

both times i had a chance to talk to her, i cried like a faucet. i am just so happy for her. her husband is intelligent and successful and talented and makes her laugh and complements her well, and they’ve been so happy together i know it’s just going to continue, and they’re going to have a family and a life together, and it really is one of those things that restores your faith in humanity, sort of. everybody there was happy for them. no whispering, no mudslinging, no negativity; everybody there was genuinely celebrating their togetherness and them taking this step together in their lives. it was jubilant. it was an ideal wedding. everything was gorgeous, everything went perfectly, and they are gorgeous, and they are perfect, and they are ideal. 

the bride looked like a princess. i started crying the moment i saw her. she deserves this so much, and i told her that too. i’m so beyond happy for her, i had no words. i just cried and cried and hugged her. i love her so much. she has always been a very positive person, just an all around very good person, and so full of love. and i think, being in the center of such a loving occasion, surrounded by love, celebrating love, i was maybe in shock. i feel like such a black hole, such a dead and rotting thing, that the electricity and warmth of all of that love in one place was jarring. 

and everybody had somebody with them. part of me felt like, “wow, i dont have a single fucking person to bring to this wedding except my mother.” the bride wanted her there, though, as once upon a time things were steadier in my household and the bride came over all the time, where my mom cooked for her and invited her to sleepover and shared stories, and she was one of the family. there is almost no warmth or feeling of family anymore in this household. everything is a lot more gray, now. but also: “I couldn’t hold on to a single person long enough to bring them to a wedding.” not that anybody i have been with in the last 8 years, since high school, would give a shit about me or my friends enough to accompany me anyway. and to think i curated and maintained those relationships instead of the one i had with her.

“I can’t wait to see your dress when you have yours! I bet it’s going to have neon everywhere,” she said. the fact that she thinks there’s even a wedding in my future is staggering to me. the fact that she thinks i have a future at all is staggering to me.

i had forgotten until i saw him again, but my AP Literature teacher was/is her uncle. for a moment i thought of saying hello, but then i had the immediate thought that he was going to ask me “how are you?” and i would be physically unable to reply anything but “I’m Quentin Compson.” so i didnt say anything at all.

it was a bit relieving to see that everyone my age is roughly in the same boat, however. people just taking it a day at a time. trying to save money. trying to move out. trying for independence. 

it was a really beautiful wedding. im humbled i got to be part of it. but it all feels so surreal, still. like a weird dream i had, lying in my bed at my old house, fifteen years old, still wondering what the fuck the significance was of the honeysuckle.

i shall still be wondering even as i drown in the odour of it.

#blathering