#this year felt so long I thought ut was August

[just-here-for-the-moment]

For the DIFFERENT POV GAME:

I want Javi’s POV on this whole adorable scene.

Okay, my Queen @quica-quica-quica, I want you to know that I suuuuucked in a huge breath when I saw this Ask, because I was entirely unsure if I could do this. It seemed like a really hard challenge, but FOR YOU I’ll try anything.

I dug in to see what I could do, and of course because I can’t just write succinctly I had to start waaaaaay back in the beginning of the story to get Javier where I needed him for the phone number scene… hope that’s okay!!

Thank you for challenging me this way! This went from scary to amazing in just a few days! I love you so much, my friend!!!

---

Coffee Shop Girl (a companion piece to “For Now” told from Javier’s point of view)

Word count: 3000+

Rating: mature, 18+ only

Outline: Javier Peña x “You” (Austin coffee shop barista; cis/het female reader; “blank canvas”/no physical description/no name/no use of “Y/N”)

Warnings: slow-burn; references to previous hiring of sex workers; cigarette smoking; Javier masturbating

Javier Peña felt like he was at loose ends. Not for the first time in his life, but it’s different feeling ‘lost’ as a young man than feeling ‘lost’ when you’re on the wrong side of 40. At least a teenager can still expect their whole life ahead of them. Since leaving the DEA and the fight in Colombia behind, he had been feeling directionless.

Spending some time at his dad’s ranch in Laredo had helped, the way that hard labor and sweat always does. It left him too tired to ruminate, to sink into the blues and feel sorry for himself. He had lined up a teaching job at a university in D.C. but it didn’t start until the fall semester, and Javier wasn’t looking forward to an entire blazing-hot summer on the ranch. So when his friend Bill called from Austin and offered a short contract job doing consulting for one of the state agencies, he jumped at the chance.

Javier landed at Mueller Airport at 2:00 in the afternoon on the second Saturday in June. He made his way out of luggage pickup to the Hertz desk and signed for a rental car. It didn’t take him long to find the apartment complex where Bill had arranged for him to stay. Bill’s coworker’s son had graduated from UT Austin in May, and the lease wasn’t up until August, so everything worked out perfectly. Javi could sublet for the remainder of the summer, and the apartment complex was close enough to the office that he could take the bus, meaning he wouldn’t have to put too many miles on the rental car or pay for parking downtown. A small, blandly furnished one-bedroom apartment near work was perfect. He could make it work for two months, and he had certainly lived in much worse places during his years traveling.

On Monday Javier was introduced around the office and given his portfolio of cases to consult on. He also found out that the coffee in the office was total shit. He had spent too many years drinking government-grade slop at the DEA and other agencies to put up with it now. He wasn’t one to complain, or to order any of the frilly new designer coffee drinks that seemed to be making the rounds among the ladies in the secretarial pool, but he had noticed a coffee shop between here and the bus stop. Some local place, one of those Austin things where they boasted about fair trade and locally roasted beans. If they made a decent cup of black coffee he could splurge, buy a cup on his way into the office each day.

The bus dropped him off at the corner at 7:45, so he could grab a coffee and still be on time to work at 8:00. Punctuality wasn’t always his strong suit, but Javier wanted to at least make a good impression while he was consulting. You never knew who might be a network contact to something good, and he didn’t want to screw Bill over after he had recommended him for the contract.

Tuesday Javier tried the coffee shop and found out that their coffee was not only decent for the price, it was actually good. Wednesday he went back again, this time brushing fingers with the pretty barista by accident. He offered her a “thanks” and then went on his way. Thursday he walked in and stood patiently in line behind two stoner kids trying to make up their minds between breakfast tacos and blueberry muffins. The pretty barista was there again, and she waved him over with a smile, indicating he could skip to the counter and leave the hippie kids in line.

“Black coffee, right?” Her smile actually reached her eyes, and for a moment Javier was very glad for all of the body language and psychology classes he had ever had to sit through. It was nice having a pretty lady smile at you to start your morning, and even better that this one already knew his order. She was quick, he figured, and good at her job if she had his order memorized after only two days as a customer. Not that ‘black coffee, to go’ was a difficult order, but he hadn’t expected to become a regular so quickly.

He smiled and nodded, “That’s right. Thank you.” He looked for a wedding ring and then for a nametag on her black apron, but didn’t see either one. He slid a rumpled $5 bill across the counter, larger than the singles he had paid with the previous two days, but she was nice. “Keep the change.”

He thought he saw her bite her lip as she turned away, and while she was fixing his cup he took a moment to check her out. He wasn’t some kind of pervert who would goose her from over the counter, but from what he could see she was attractive. Hell, most women were attractive to Javier. He suddenly realized it had been a while since he’d gotten laid. His last relationship was years past, and he no longer visited prostitutes regularly. Javier wasn’t a ‘reformed man’ by any means, it was just that that habit had been limited to a specific time and place in his life where he wasn’t stable enough to have a long-term relationship, and it had the added bonus of gathering intelligence.

The barista turned back to him with the cup and when she handed it off their eyes locked and their fingers touched again. He saw her pupils dilate and recognized the little spark that turned over in his own gut. Damn, she really was attractive. But Javier didn’t want to be the kind of lecherous guy who hit on a woman while she was working. Too many men mistook the minimum of customer service friendliness for a sexual invitation. Or worse, like the men who hit on waitresses on purpose since they couldn’t be outright rude to stop them. Javier suppressed a smile and took the cup from her, nodding his thanks.

On Friday when he breezed into the coffee shop he saw the pretty barista smile from behind the counter, and she immediately turned and started pouring his to-go cup. She turned back and gave him the ‘what’s up’ chin nod while holding his cup up. Javier walked up and he slid a few singles across the counter to her.

Javier gave her a warm, “Thanks,” and winked at her. That was at least a harmless bit of flirting, in line with her bright smiles and her friendliness so far. If she liked it, great; and if not, then at least he hadn’t made her uncomfortable by asking for her number or hitting on her directly. When he said, “See you next week,” she smiled that bright smile back. Javier noticed that it again reached her eyes, lighting them up just a bit more than last time. A good sign.

The weekend dragged but Javier filled it up with errands: a run to HEB for groceries and to Highland Mall for a new shirt. If there was the possibility of a date sometime in the next few weeks he at least wanted to wear something other than his work clothes. Saturday night he ordered pizza and watched a movie on TV, some lame action movie with giant muscled guys shooting way too many bullets, and of course all the curse words and a sex scene edited out for network TV. Can’t let the kiddies hear the word ‘shit’ while they’re flipping channels, but watching Stallone blow a guy’s head off is good for their growing brains. He finished his pizza and a cigarette and then felt that tug, the loose ends, a little bored.

Javier took a shower and his mind went to the pretty barista, that smile, the sparkly eyes. He thought about those eyes looking up at him through her lashes, or down at him from on top. He wondered what her skin felt like, imagining the rest of her naked, spread out, touching him all over. He felt a little bit creepy touching himself to the thought of her, hoping it didn’t make him a bad person, hoping he would see her again on Monday. But fuck it, he needed the release. Javier came, spurting hot in the steamy shower as he leaned his head on his forearm and groaned into the cold tile wall. He wished he at least knew her name.

Sunday Javier slept in and then did laundry, tidied up the apartment, and took a jog around the neighborhood. He tried to talk himself out of a repeat of Saturday’s shower. It didn’t work.

On Monday Javier lit up as soon as he stepped off the bus. The first week of the consulting gig had gone well, but today was a big meeting and he knew the agency was not going to like his recommendations. He was constantly trying to quit, but at least he had cut back recently. He was down to a pack a day and only one cup of coffee. That had to count for something, right? Maybe his doctor would finally get off his back about that.

He smoked as rapidly as he could on his way to the coffee shop, and stubbed the cigarette out as soon as he reached the big window that overlooked the street corner. He tucked his sunglasses into the top pocket of his blazer and opened the door to the coffee shop.

The pretty barista was smiling, looking right at him and already holding up his cup of coffee like a game show model holding a prize. Javier felt his heart give a little squeeze, and he smiled and winked at her again as he approached the counter.

“You psychic or something? Or am I just that predictable?”

“Both, maybe.” She wiggled her eyebrows at him and gave him a toothy grin.

Javier opened his wallet and saw that his smallest bill was a $10, but he decided not to ask for change back. She was attentive to her customers, she had surprised him by having coffee ready, and she was cute. “Great service, keep the change.”

Her face lit up and she turned to put the money in the register. Javier turned and exited the front door, and then decided to look back through the big plate glass window. She was looking at him, and Javier realized that meant that she had watched him leave. He hoped he wouldn’t have to tip $10 every time to get that look. He lifted his cup, nodded at her, and then made his way to the office.

Tuesday she had his coffee ready again, so he gave her another wink with his smile, and he thought that she purposely put her fingers in a spot to touch his as she handed the cup over. He paid with a $5 bill again, and then thought about her smile and her touch all the way to the office a few blocks north. He didn’t want her to think that the overtipping was him trying to come on to her; it really was nice to have his order ready to go every day.

On Wednesday she had his coffee ready again as soon as he walked in, but Javier supposed that was a testament to the bus schedule more than his own punctuality. This time he paid with singles. But he didn’t want her to think the smaller tip was because of anything wrong with her customer service, so he smiled a little more warmly, turning the charm up as much as he dared without just outright hitting on her. He noticed she was looking again through the glass as he left. But of course the only reason he knew that was because he had looked, too.

On Thursday Javier decided that it wouldn’t hurt to flirt a little more obviously, but to give her an out in case she wasn’t interested. He didn’t want to make her uncomfortable or fuck up his supply of good coffee, so he decided to take it a little slow. When he got to the corner he glanced into the window of the coffee shop and saw the pretty barista looking right at him. He took that as a good sign that she might be receptive to his flirting. He opened the door and let someone exit, then walked up to the counter. She pointed at his cup sitting on the counter in front of her, smiling that bright smile.

He arched an eyebrow up. “You trying to get rid of me? In and out so quickly?”

She grinned at him. “Depends on how long you were planning to stay. We close at 1:00 a.m. after open mic tonight. After that you gotta go somewhere else.” That was the most that she’d spoken to him yet. Javier decided to take his chance.

“And what time do you get off, after the morning shift?”

“Depends on who’s asking.” She winked and then bit the inside of her lips, like she had said something she shouldn’t have.

Javier decided to be direct. At least that would give her the chance to say ‘no’ if she wasn’t interested. He locked eyes with her and said, “I am.”

He was relieved to see her flash that big smile, all pretty soft lips and sparkly eyes. “I finish at 1:00, after the lunch rush.”

“Good to know.” He stuck his hand out to shake. “I’m Javier, by the way.” She continued to smile as she gave him her name. When she took his hand she gave a good firm shake, not like one of those women who went limp as soon as they shook a man’s hand. Javier liked her even more.

He fished a few bills out of his wallet. “Can I maybe stop by after your shift, take you to lunch sometime?”

“You can do me one better than that.” She reached down to grip the lid and spun the cup. He saw her name and seven digits scribbled in Sharpie. “My phone number’s on the cup.”

Javier gave her the eyebrows, very much enjoying how direct she was. It was nice to get a clear signal from a pretty lady, instead of having to play guessing games and worry about overstepping. He pursed his lips and nodded in approval.

“You do that for all your customers?”

“Just the best tippers.” And there was her pretty smile and her wink again, so soon after the first one.

Javier decided to give her both barrels. He put his hand out again, palm up instead of a handshake. When she put her hand in his he lifted her knuckles to his lips and pressed a soft kiss, giving her a look from under his eyelashes before he let go.

“I’ll see you tomorrow.” Javier picked up the cup and left, and gave her a warm smile through the glass as he walked away. As soon as he got to the office he jotted her name and the number on a scrap of paper and tucked it into his wallet. He felt hopeful in a way that he hadn’t for a long time, and he rolled the cup endlessly between his palms while he considered his options. Options. Something he sometimes had taken for granted in life, until those moments where they suddenly ran out.

Javier drained the last of the coffee and then scribbled over her number with a Sharpie before tossing the cup in the trash. No sense in letting her number out into the world where some creep might find it. He smoked his third cigarette of the day out on the plaza and thought about her smile, the brush of her fingers on his, the way she approached him directly. He could use a friend in town, one who wasn’t a guy at the agency or an old college buddy. One who was soft and sweet and might be open to a date… or more. He checked his watch and calculated the hours until 1:00 p.m.

Normally he wouldn’t go back to the coffee shop until tomorrow morning, but it wouldn’t hurt to pop back over there today at the end of her shift, see if she wanted to grab lunch, right? He hoped it wouldn’t scare her off, going back so quickly. He stubbed out his cigarette in the ashtray by the lobby door and jogged back up to his office, taking the stairs two at a time. He wanted to finish up, get this meeting over with, see if he could get over to the coffee shop before she left. He sat in the meeting, watching the clock hands spin slowly, listening to someone drone on about a budget issue that didn’t impact his work, and which could have been a memo in the first place. He felt his irritation creep up the longer the meeting went on.

Finally the meeting closed and Javier hopped to his feet. He told Bill he was headed to lunch and then jogged back down the stairwell instead of waiting for the elevator. He walked the few blocks to the coffee shop, keeping an eye on his watch. He hoped he wouldn’t miss her.

When he got to the coffee shop he opened the door and let his eyes adjust to the dim light for a moment. And then he saw her, slinging her bag over one shoulder and coming out from behind the counter. Javier smiled.

She stopped a foot away and smiled softly, “Hey.”

Javier realized he was still wearing his sunglasses, no wonder it was so dark. He took them off and slipped them into his blazer pocket. He really hoped she wouldn’t think it was weird, him coming back so soon.

“Hey, I’m glad I caught you. Are you busy, or can I take you to lunch today?”

Her face lit up. Good sign. “No, I’m not busy. I’d love to go.”

She gestured out the big window, “There’s a sandwich place around the corner, and a park we can go sit in.”

Javier felt his face split into a wide grin. “That’s perfect.”

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Just-here-for-the-moment’s masterlist

The only tag list I have: @quica-quica-quica @anaaaispunk @justanotherblonde23 @gracie7209 @nicolethered @honestly-shite @driedgreentomatoes @dihra-vesa @1800-fight-me @the-queen-of-fools @juletheghoul @kesskirata @honeymandos @silverwolf319 @mourningbirds1 @greeneyedblondie44 @spacedilf @maxwell–lord @anxiousandboujee @cevvie @sherala007 @writeforfandoms @libellule2001 @deadhumourist @mandoalorian @javierpinme @eri16 @mandocrasis

#pedro pascal fic #pedro pascal fanfic #pedro pascal fanfiction #pedro pascal characters #javier peña x reader #javier pena x reader #javier peña x you #javier pena x you #narcos fic #narcos fanfic #narcos fanfiction #pedrostories #pedro stories

[ofcloudsandstars]

Hey Everyone! I don’t know if this would be interest here too but I have a little Witchy group FB page for witches in London where we meet up around the city, share magic tips and events to get in touch with the local nature and magic but anyway, weekly I post a celestial forecast and I can forward these posts to here too. 

The posts may be a bit GMT/UT -centric as the target audience is London witches lol (also the weeks here begin on Mondays and from time to time I might mention ‘The Heath’ which is this beautiful wildish park here in North london but anyway) I thought of sharing this week’s Monday through Sunday events cause the energy is CLIMATIC and you may want to have a look at what’s going on! Below I talk about each day’s celestial transits and the recommended magic for them. 

Celestial Forecast! ✨

Week 2 of January {6th-12th}

Overview:

This is going to be an INSANELY powerful week! We might end up absorbing a lot of energy from the cosmos before we get slammed by the Full Moon Eclipse and other cosmic energies on the 10th that will lead us out of Eclipse season. It's time to ascend and let go of what no longer serves us and lay down powerful foundations as we dive into the New Year.

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6th

moon void of course from 12:08pm-2:11am (GMT)

moon in Taurus

Energy: The moon in Taurus will be void of course for most of the day (once again Void of Course meaning the moon will have made it's last aspect at 12:08PM and will venture into the next sign not making any aspects or aligning with any other planet or cosmic energy) creating a pretty chill and lazy liminal space. Get as much done as you can in the morning otherwise the afternoon and evening will be a time to be chill and unproductive. It's good to take time to rest and with the mood plateau-ing especially in lazy Taurus, you won't have much energy to get a lot done anyway. You will need the time to chill before the big eclipse on Friday!

Recommended Magic: journaling, resting, bath magic (cleansing), meditating, chilling out

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7th

Moon in Gemini at 2:11AM  (GMT)

Sun (Capricorn) sextile Neptune (Pisces)

Energy: With the sun having a harmonious aspect with Neptune, the two energies flow together like a chord setting the tone of heightened sensitivity and psychic connections for the day. Empathy will be heightened along with non-verbal communication, emotional sensitivities, spiritual connections and intense dreaming. Meditation, occult work and spiritual work will be favored on this day and might bring inspiring insights leading to greater self understanding and contentment. The moon in Gemini will hone in our desires to communicate and explore our inner mental world and connect our experiences to other through communication. This day might also bring spiritual 'downloads' from the cosmos if you open yourself up. The moon in Gemini might create the mood for us to be curious to explore our spiritual realms and with the harmonious nature of Neptune and the sun we may discover a lot of incredible things. This would be a great day to document our experiences through journaling or expressing them through art.

Recommended Magic: Dreaming, astral traveling (like mugwort tea or anything that helps you to fly), channeling, art and expressing your spiritual side through artwork, doing any magic, connecting to spirit guides, divination, freewriting, journaling, energy work, writing in your grimoire.

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8th

Mercury (Capricorn) sextile Neptune (Pisces)

moon void of course 9:15pm  (GMT)

Energy: This will be a lovely sequel to the previous day which can help us digest any psychic or intuitive information we may have received. This transit which is a harmonious transit now with the spiritual and mysterious neptune mixing with the mental realm of mercury means the world of art and spirituality will be harmonious with our mental world and we will find it easy to express our spiritual pursuits with ease. We might find the words to explain our epiphanies or enlightenment and can easily put them in the forms of art or words. This is also a great day for experiencing colorful dreams and picking up spiritual information through meditation, spirit guides, chance encounters and dreams or sudden thoughts. It's not a great transit for anything technical, but perfect to do creative artwork of any kind. In the evening the moon will be in void of course transit so the energy will quell by then.

Recommended Magic: Art, Dreaming, meditating, trance, reflection, journaling, connecting with guides, listening to music that moves you, shufflemancy, divination

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9th

moon enters cancer (7:43 AM GMT)

Energy: This moon position has much healing potential. Our emotions run deep and with the moon transitioning into it's full moon phase, we may feel our emotions running high and bringing to the surface what truly motivates us. It'll be wise to focus on the lessons we've learned on the days before and not get swept up by the high emotional tides of the near-full moon in Cancer. Full moon energy brings the two complementary yet opposing natures of the sister signs at harmony. With the moon in Cancer opposing the Sun in Capricorn, it will illuminate what motivates us emotionally and what makes us feel safe which will be the driving force for us to build stronger foundations for.

Recommended Magic: shadow work, chanting to align your energy, cleansing the space, shielding (as energy will run high), protective charms, free writing as a form of release.

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10th

Full Moon in Cancer Lunar Eclipse

Uranus direct in Taurus - Freedom and grounding

Sun (Capricorn) conjunct Mercury (Capricorn)

Energy: Where to begin... At first glance you can see the universe is screeching TIME FOR A CHANGE BITCH!! With the eclipse and Uranus moving direct you can experience sudden transformations to a higher version of yourself. With the sun and mercury conjunct, the energy of the two planets are fused where our thoughts, communications and what's going on in our inner realms is in the center of attention therefore edging away from the powerful spiritual transformation of this day is inevitable.

Uranus retrograde previously meant that Uranus's energies were inverted. If you were trying to make a change or initiate change, you might have felt blocked with Uranus's cycle of sleep beginning on August 11th. With Uranus Rx you would have gone on an internal journey creating changes within yourself that will help you create the external changes you seek. Often the changes we need are for personal freedom and Uranus retrograde lets you process things internally before you manifest the external change once Uranus turns direct. Now with Uranus direct on the full moon eclipse we can expect sudden powerful changes, epiphanies, and bursts of freedom that will come to a climax with this full blood moon. If you for example REALLY WANT A JOB or REALLY HATE YOUR JOB AND WANT TO CHANGE IT or REALLY HATE YOUR LIVING EXPERIENCE (this amplified as it's full moon in Cancer) or DON'T FEEL STABLE, SAFE AND LOVED IN YOUR LIFE AND YOU WANT TO BE FREE AND FEEL GOOD FOR ONCE!!

This is the moon to RELEASE that magic on. With eclipses, the full moon eclipse is extra powerful as it dredges up emotions from our deep subconscious to the surface that we have been bottling up for god knows how long aging like an old forgotten fermenting smoothie that is about to fizz and burst open everywhere. It's a good day for protective charms and energy as you can imagine some people might really let their emotions loose without care for others and you don't want to be on the receiving end especially if your own emotions are high and you're not tryna find trouble by popping off.  It's also, obviously a GREAT day for MANIFESTING as all full moons are, but specifically manifesting your truest most rawest desires like go full feral wild in the heaths howling at the blood moon and burning shit cause the energies will be at the highest pitch to thunder down your most passionate visions of your most idealistic reality like the Kool-Aid man bursting through the cosmic fourth wall to deliver you to your dreams.

Recommended Magic: gurl issa full blood moon Uranus direct eclipse.. go wild.

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11th

Moon void of course until 11:16am  (GMT)

Moon in Leo

Energy: The day will start out a bit relaxed with the moon void of course which will create a chill radio-silence which is the peace needed to calm the electric magic storm of the evening before. With the moon in Leo however the spectacle might just move to Act 2 instead of dissipating completely. The moon in Leo creates a desire for drama (and for some of us with natal chiron in Leo, painful traumatic realizations), yet also creativity and sparking our inner child. In order to process this energy positively you can use the day to process your emotions you've experienced throughout the week into art and sharing your creations on social media. You might find a place where your experiences are welcomed and you might find extra validation. Either way today would be the day to focus on the self and expressing yourself and looking on the path that you'd like to take yourself, especially with the aftermath of the full moon and what it could have surfaced for you.

Recommended Magic: self love, art, self reflection, divination, shadow work, sharing art.

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12th

Mercury, Saturn + Pluto Conjunct (Capricorn)

moon in Leo

Energy: Today is going to be a rude day but it will be needed. It will be the harsh grounding force of the dreamy week coming to an end and the psychedelic trip, cathartic full moon storm being grounded into the deep earth and force you to put what you've learned onto the material plane. With Saturn, Pluto and Mercury conjunct, all three energies are fused to create an energy where we must focus on the material world (all of our thoughts will revolve around this as well) and what is not working for us anymore. Something in your life has outlived it's usefulness and is holding you back and with the deep earthly Saturn being pushed with Pluto which brings things to an end (or transforms them) you will put down the ground work to finally get rid of these things or change your circumstance (especially with Uranus now direct you will seek freedom and the change to do so). If something is broken you will need to fix it or toss it out, and you will be unwise to ignore it and resist the powerful forces of Saturn AND Pluto, cause lets be real they will whoop your ass so it's better to work with them then against them. Along with the moon in Leo, making things more dramatic than they need to be, instead of realizing something simply doesn't work out for you anymore, it might be a dramatic rude display loudly trumpeting in your face that it's time Is Now Over and you need to take action.

It is best to approach the coming change by accepting the inevitable and do what must be done or else if you stubbornly refuse to change, you risk complications that will make your life extremely difficult for a long time cause that's especially the way Saturn works and it's in it's home sign of Capricorn so it's not here to play games. Especially since Saturn is deeply earthly you will risk making your foundations in life deeply unstable which can result in suffering for years to come. I like to imagine Saturn energy as the big bad wolf and your actions being like the three little pigs. Use the time to put down the hard work and foundation to build a brick house or else Saturn powered by Pluto will come to blow them twigs away.

Recommended Magic: use all the materials you've written in the past for journaling, vision boards, reflections etc. and take action on them. The magical focus will be less in the ethereal plane and more on the physical today. Additionally: shadow work and divination as guides.

#Celestial forecast #astrology #witchcraft #magic #witches of tumblr #celestial magic

[dragonpiango]

My review of 2019

January:

So I recently graduated from community college in the previous December, and I started university at HT with a scholarship for piano performance. Honestly I thought going to a HBCU was going to be weird, but turns out I’m not much of an outcast. It was a nice transition to a new setting and new people and a breath of fresh air! It was amazing having a practice room to myself and the mental thought of “getting to know my music” became a reality although my first piano lesson with my new professor was strange. His impression of me was way different than what I thought. Although he is a outstanding teacher, he might have overthought what I was capable of.... him assigning me my pieces and they consisted of Bach French suite No. 5 in G Major, Mozart sonata K.332 in F Major, Chopin Nocturne in D-flat Major, Chopin Scherzo No.2 in b-flat minor, and the most memorable piece IMHO Ravel’s Une Barque Sur L’Ocean from Miroirs.

February:

So still settling into a new university and meeting new people (although I just stayed in the music building bc that’s where all my classes were) it was Black History Month. Being apart of the choir at school and the only ensemble they offered, we were pretty busy with a lot of performances BUT it was enlightening too. Everyone has been so welcoming and coming from a background in classical music I’ve been introduced to Gospel music not only for voice, but piano. From accompanying spirituals to gospel it really has opened my eyes that music doesn’t have to be so strict. It is a way of expressing emotions and from then on I took my repertoire more seriously in the sense each piece had its own “character.”

March:

This month is a crucial one, not only did I find my “clique” at school, but they only consisted of two people. Ant and KayP. Not going to use their names but these two were the only two that understood who I was and I understood who they were. We might have drifted a little bit since one has graduated but in the mean time, during these few months, have been my shoulder to cry on. They were very talented vocalist who taught me a lot in the sense of accompanying and vice versa. Since our school is small, our “accompanist” was my piano teacher, so every rehearsal was around his schedule, until I came into the picture. They really pushed me to get out of my comfort zone and really get me to where I need to be. During this time, I was still working retail and I have a true appreciation for those who commit full time to retail because lemme tell y’all. That shit is a lot of work. Especially around holidays. Balancing out school and work was a struggle, but I managed through especially when I don’t have a piano at home. I have to go to school to practice and with retail, all my extra time would be working.

April:

By this time, everyone is stressing because of finals, but luckily since I grabbed an associates degree from COmmunity college, I didn’t have to take my core classes and cry. Music classes were all my focuses were on especially performance. I had a few performances in between for our seminar where we perform in front of all the music students, and for me, being a pianist, I didn’t have to rely on my teacher for rehearsals and accompanying. I just focused on me and this got me ready for our benefit concert that I was honored to be a part of. KayP being the current Miss HBCU and queen of the school, decided to raise money for students of troubled pasts who have really turned their lives around in college and made a great GPA would be rewarded with scholarship money that we raised. I was the one who got to close the whole show out and it truly was an amazing experience. Being able to perform for a great cause is always heart warming and I will cherish that moment forever.

May:

So the semester comes to an end and I have juries (where we perform our pieces in front of the faculty and get graded ) what I did not know is that since our school is so small, they invite and pay other professors from the biggest university next to us UT Austin and have them come sit and grade us as well. That to me was a shock moment, because coming from a university in a small town before we had enough people and knew everyone. Community college DIDNT have juries for piano which was odd, but this was a perfect opportunity to really put my hard work into good use. After juries, I did splendid with a few mistakes that I was able to recover from, and lemme tell y’all. No performance is perfect. And I have accepted that. My piano teacher hooked me up with one of his good friends who owns and directs her own music school and I became a piano teacher there. Oddly, I’m the youngest teacher there with no doctoral degree and am working on a BA still..... but none the less, this transition really opened my eyes.

June:

School is finally out, and I reduced my retail job to just Saturday. I finally got my reputation as a teacher at my new job and gained students rather quickly to where I was almost booked up Monday through Friday. With little to no teaching experience it was a trial and error process. I was taking over a studio of a former teacher who had visa issues. So all his students were a tad skeptical with me more so their parents. But after observing lessons and learning their names it was only a matter of time that I was teaching them and really became someone they look up to. It started off rocky because I wasn’t used to a build your own schedule, from what I’ve experienced with teaching at a music school is that someone does the schedule for you. Not in this case, so having to communicate and try to accommodate every students schedule was a tough start, but once I got used to it, the ride was easy from there. Unfortunately, most students were gone on vacation so I had to work with only a few who stayed in town and accommodate those who were in town for that week. That aside, my communication improved after constantly talking with parents 24/7.

July:

This is where life gets exciting. My boyfriend had surprised me with tickets to go to Chicago. I would go back because the city is amazing and food is delicious and it’s easy to get around in Chicago. It was a nice break from work and really helped me bond with my partner. During this time we had two cats. One names Roger and the other Gladys. So a little back story, when I moved in with my partner, his cats basically adopted me. Gladys was a daddy’s girl and kept to Todd mostly but she was very seeet with me and made adorable monkey noises when you picked her up and cuddled with her. She was diagnosed with cancer and the year before that we made the decision to remove her tumor and hope that she would live a healthy life. Well this is where the tumor came back full force and in Chicago, I was a wreck because I felt bad enjoying my time away and leaving her at home. My partner (who is the mature one in our relationship) had a sit down with me about what to do with her and I lost it. He didn’t want to put her down either, but it was for the best. We agreed to keep her comfortable until we knew it was time. Before the month ends tho, we are back home and my sisters boyfriend sends me a text saying he is serious about her and wants to marry her. The retail I work for is a jewelry store and he had asked me to help pick out a diamond for my sister since he knew what she wanted. So this was the good news. We find the diamond, and have it set in her favorite setting and my boyfriend who is full of surprises gets me a ticket to visit her in LA.

August:

So my birthday month is here, and I fly out to LA to deliver the ring to my now sisters fiancé and they fly out to Italy and he does the deed and she says yes. Happy note. But as school starts back up for the new semester, my partner had a issue to where he would be in a state to where he couldn’t move much due to a unusual circumstance. And before that we decided to put Gladys down. It was a tough decision but we gave her the best life we could ever had hoped for her and I was emotionally drained from everything. Having to keep a positive attitude for my students and going to school and being an adult in general. The only way I got thru this period is from my best friend and coworker who knows what it’s like to go through life and it’s always better to have an open mind and ear to talk to. I call her my mamma because she’s like a mother figure to me but also a amazing friend. Without her, I probably wouldn’t have been mentally there at all for anyone. In the time of summer until now I haven’t had a chance to practice because I forgot to mention that i had a Jr recital coming up which is why my repertoire was so big.

September:

After everything passed and I’m in a better mental state, I proceed to my schedule of school and work and find a time to practice in between. What’s great about this month is that since the semester just started, I had plenty of time to catch up on my practice and really get my lessons to become productive in shaping and understanding different musical styles. My partner is all better and life is great because I was in the best part of my life. Doing well in school, amazing texting job, and a best friend who is there for me and most importantly my partner. He’s been my rock since we first met and I can always rely on him and vice versa. He understood that with my free day off that I needed to spend it practicing and told me to go for it and be as productive as I can. I honestly wasn’t used to that kind of support but I am grateful.

October:

This is where reality hits and my recital is next month. I get very crazy about everything. I had all my music learned but because of my indecisiveness, I kept changing how I shaped everything and my mind goes blank. Probably a dark time for me because I didn’t know how to handle this kind of stress. I’ve put on hour long recitals before and the only thing different this time is that I’m getting graded and want to make such a great impression to further my education to a dictator degree. The dress was eating me alive and on top of that, one of my students decided he wants to enter in a competition and I say why not. Let’s do it. Getting him ready for that and keeping my sanity was hard to do but I managed. He did well, but not well enough to get a medal but his parents were very impressed with how quickly he progressed with me. That’s always a plus, right?

November:

The month has come for me to have my big recital and I invited all my friends and coworkers and they all made it. I was truly nervous but if you don’t get nervous, are you even human? It turned out wonderful although the first piece (Bach French suite) was shaky, I had to tell my self that I was having fun and everyone here is here to support me and want me to do well. That little talk was a confidence booster and ended the recital flawlessly. After my recital, my job has their student recitals so my focus was all on my students doing the best they can and having fun. This month was fun because I was selected to do masterclasses for piano students through out my job and it was very enlightening to see how talented the new generation of musicians are! Only positive comments because I couldn’t honestly find anything wrong with any of the students performances and their teachers are amazing.

December:

So getting all my students ready for their recital was a big time investment but totally worth it because they all performed so well and I honestly cried bc I felt like a proud parent LOL. But after that was time for the semester to end up and one class was making me go crazy. Everything ended well and I had ALL A’s and one B but I know what to expect for next semester and everything will be great. Honestly this year has me all sorts of fucked up with emotions and I proved to myself that when I stay committed, I can really achieve what I want. This year was a great year for me and a way to end a decade because when 2020 starts, I know what I need to do and where I need to be.

[soveryanon]

Reviewing time for MAG135 /o/

- Fun fact! The verb “extinguish” has appeared as a word in all three of the Daedalus statements, in relation to the three different powers involved:

(MAG057, Carter Chilcott) “There’s nothing, nothing but empty, uncaring void lacing dead worlds and dead stars all-together like a tapestry of lonely meaninglessness. Humans have existed for the smallest sliver of a fraction of a moment in the existence of the universe, and we will be extinguished just as quickly. And when we are at last gone forever, into the quiet emptiness of death, there will be nothing left but the cold universe. And nothing shall mark our passing because there is nothing to do so.”

(MAG106, Jan Kilbride) “Most people can’t even properly appreciate the size of our own planet, seeing it only in crudely rendered diagrams or maps; but compared to us… the planet is immense. More than large enough for the swell of humanity to grow and… ultimately extinguish itself. [SCOFF] Yet compared to the wider universe… it isn’t even a noticeable speck.”

(MAG135) ELIAS: I don’t know the details. Ny-Ålesund is a stronghold of The Dark, meaning I can’t see inside. I… believe they call it “The Extinguished Sun”, though that’s as much as I know.

- I love how The Dark still feels like… that one fear which should be super stereotypical (Cult Of Darkness.) and yet always manages to get under your skin anyway, and is that one thing that we’re apparently never managing to get rid of. Julia and Trevor butchered Darvish in Summer 2010? No problem. Things happened in March-to-May 2015 at the Hither Green Dissenters Chapel, apparently derailing or temporarily neutralising The Dark’s activities? Ahaha, we’ll manage. Maxwell Rayner was killed by Section 31 officers on Elias’s Personal Tip in February 2017? IT’S FINE. WE CAN STILL DO SOMETHING. I had Questions about how The Dark was connected with Gertrude’s death, I’m delighted that we’ll be digging into their activities again, since Jon isn’t sure what happened – isn’t even sure whether Gertrude had managed to neutralise them! I wonder if the matter of March/May 2015 as the date of Gertrude’s death will be explained, or if I should finally put that to rest as a simple mistake.

… Interestingly, following the pattern of solar eclipses: the total solar eclipse over Ny-Ålesund that Basira had pinned down actually took place on 20th March 2015, which is… neither when Mark Bilham went into the Hither Green Dissenters Chapel (March 11th), neither when Gertrude officially died (March 15th or May 15th), but is around the time she should have died according to Oliver’s dreams. In real life, the next solar eclipse (partial) in Ny-Ålesund happened on August 11th 2018, so that could be the planned date for the upcoming half-baked new ritual attempt indeed… but the date is a bit weird for the overall pacing of season 4. We’re in… beginning of April? 2018, and usually getting a statement a week (more or less). So that doesn’t easily coincide with a midseason finale, nor with the season finale? Unless Team Archive hurries to get to Svalbard very soon, in the hope of neutralising The Dark before August 2018. (Funny bit: there was a partial solar eclipse in South America on February 15th 2018… the day Oliver visited Jon and he woke up from his “coma”.)

I have no idea: there are so many things to keep track of, currently (Peter’s own plans? The Extinction’s threat? Elias’s intentions regarding The Watcher’s Crown? The Web’s schemes and intentions for Jon? Now, The Dark’s activities?) – I… do like that it indeed gives us a feeling that, outside of pure narrative… all the Fears have their own agenda, they’re not just queuing up for the Archives team to take care of them? They’re not dependant on them, they carry on Doing Their Things and bringing their own terrors? And it’s… very bittersweet to think that it will probably always be like this.

- I’m so mad about the fact that Manuela’s story makes… so much sense with how Jan had described her:

(MAG106, Jan Kilbride) “Manuela Dominguez was quite a big name in certain areas of the physics community. Or at least she had been; I hadn’t heard of any work she’d done for a good few years and, as I said I’m more on the engineering side of things so… it wasn’t really something I kept up with in detail. While she was happy to talk, Manuela apparently didn’t like to discuss her professional life on Earth, or the specifics of the research she was doing on the Daedalus. Like Chilcott, her research was kept entirely separate from mine, and while we spent plenty of time together, I never did figure out exactly what it was. Something to do with lasers, I think.”

I never ever thought for one second that it might have been “it’s because she’s part of the cult, Cass, and has been for the past years” aND YET IT MAKES SO MUCH SENSE AND SEEMS SO OBVIOUS IN RETROSPECT… I’m so mad, I love this series and it keeps making me feel like a Fool. (But with love. Cackling at my face, but with love.) Another thing that gets a bit… “funny” in retrospect:

(MAG106, Jan Kilbride) “It was the sense of a presence, of there being something out there… something that wasn’t the Earth, and it was getting closer… When it started, I tried to talk to Manuela about it, but she seemed to think I was talking about aliens and quickly changed the subject. […] And that cry came again; so loud, and long, and deep that I couldn’t not be the sound of a living thing – so vast and so ancient that thinking about it made me weep. And I screamed in turn. My hands touched the rail at the exact moment that Manuela came to check on me. I was moving again. She asked if I was alright, though she… clearly had no interest in the answer. She said she’d felt the station shake, bu–ut when I pressed, she… claimed she hadn’t heard anything. Her eyes were red and I noticed for the first time that the tips of her fingers were burned. I… don’t know why I asked her, really. I knew then that she hadn’t heard it – that she would never hear it. And I felt completely alone. I remember I almost envied Chilcott, because at least he had known what he was signing up for.”

…………………… She probably assumed that Jan had heard her “battery” screaming, uh, hence the quick denial.

- WHY DO WE KEEP GETTING OPPORTUNITIES TO GET SAD ABOUT JAN KILBRIDE??? There was already something very… sensitive and heart-wrenching in his statement from MAG106, in his thought and overall tone (I’m apparently very weak to characters pulling the ~I would have liked to still be able to think that ignorance meant safety~ shtick ;;), even more with Melanie’s narration – she was absolutely perfect for that one, with her voice slightly cracking and the overall impression of throat tightening… And I was already sad for him with that statement alone! Even sadder when thinking he was probably the man with beautiful eyes seen with Gertrude during The Buried’s ritual! And season 4 keeps making me sad about him, godsdamnit, first with Jon mentioning how he ended, and now with:

(MAG135, Manuela Dominguez) “Either way, it was clear my two fellow astronauts were patsies, sent up there to suffer. I almost felt bad for them, but it was in most ways a relief to know I wouldn’t need to worry about them interfering with my own project. […] the closest I ever came to discovery was when Kilbride expressed confusion at the rate that our supplies were diminishing. It was really only the two of us anyway, with Chilcott sealed away, having his own little breakdown. And Jan was always a bit of an idiot, so ready to believe anyone’s lies… But I suppose I don’t need to tell you that – do I, Gertrude?”

(The insidiousness was creepy, sure, but come on, Dark people, we’re so used to Voyeurs all the time, you spilling that You Know What Gertrude Did With Jan doesn’t feel mind-blowingly threatening compared to the others <3)

I wonder if we’ll hear again about the Daedalus. Melanie had noticed that Jan’s statement felt like it ended abruptly (presumably, Gertrude was told he was here and interrupted him to have a chat?) – so there could be another half lying around, or a live-statement with Gertrude, or… I don’t know. But now that we know that there was a 4th person on the station (WHICH WAS A “HOLY ARCEUS” MOMENT), and given that Manuela mentioned that she wasn’t sure of the Lukases&the Fairchilds’ own motives + that… the person who had taken care of the calculation must have been aware of the extra body, but she didn’t say it was Rayner’s team taking care of that aspect, it still feels like there might have been another story against the Currently Official Story (once again):

(MAG135, Manuela Dominguez) “I don’t know how he convinced Fairchild and the Lukases to help finance the project – a life as long as his is evidently very good for one’s finances, but even so, space exploration is a whole other magnitude of expenditure. I don’t entirely know if they were working on rituals of their own, or simply pushing the boundaries of their own fears, their masters. […] Exactly how the launch was arranged, I couldn’t tell you, but I assume the calculations must have been done by one of ours. Otherwise, well… weight is very important when planning a launch, and it could hardly have escaped their notice that there were four people in that rocket.”

I’m very appreciative of the way the Daedalus had been handled in the canon, slowly taking “shape”. We first had Carter Chilcott’s testimony, who… couldn’t tell us a lot about the life aboard, except for his own experience, since he was precisely isolated; we then had Jan, who was more in control but still unaware of what was at work there; and now, we’re getting Manuela, who turned out to have been totally aware of the aim of the mission. This could be the end of the story, or there could be yet more to put things into perspective (ha), we’ll see!

- I don’t know which shade of queer Manuela was/is but: definitely queer (“Anything they did not understand became unnatural and I found myself crossing that line from an early age. Although strangely, out of everything I was, it was always my desire to pursue a scientific career that they railed against with the most energy.”). AND SO AWFUL HOLY HECK… I’m glad that Daisy wasn’t in the room with Jon because his tone was so into it that… he might have freaked her out a bit? It was terrifying, so… deceptively sweet while digging the knife deep into your flesh…

- One thing that gets me a lot (in a “HHHHHhhHHHH” way) is when… avatars talk about their patrons? The reverence, the worship in their words? And Manuela was especially “HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH” is that regard: yes, absolutely terrible, and did you hear that drive and that passion? (It’s hot/aesthetically pleasing, is what I want to say.)

I still have… the impression, in a way, that the Daedalus never actually happened in the TMA universe; Melanie had mentioned that feeling in MAG106, though she pointed out the existence of pictures of the crew’s return to Earth, but somehow… I can’t help but feel like indeed, it was too out of our realm to truly have happened, and that it was all staged by another entity/by the Lukases&the Fairchilds, to pretend it had happened when actually the staff had stayed on Earth all along, and that they organised the press releases about it? But it’s also awfully fitting that yes, Fears experiments sound so impossible that it can’t have been happening. If there is no twist, it seems like avatars are drawing powers from their patrons proportionally to the faith they have in them?

(MAG135, Manuela Dominguez) “Scientifically, it was nonsense of course. Dark energy and the like don’t work like that, not even remotely. But that wasn’t important. What mattered was that it felt like science, and that was all I needed. To do my work, to create the Black Star would need a parody, an aping mockery of science. But it would also need the deepest of darknesses. When I told Maxwell what I actually needed, he told me such a thing was impossible, but I insisted. And so he began his work on the Daedalus.

[…] My experiments continued largely uninterrupted, pushing the boundaries of light, darkness and fear. It was dangerous work and more than once, I got too close to the light and it almost destroyed me. But it didn’t. I could regale you with the technical terms or scientific disciplines I played with and rendered meaningless, but in the end all you actually need to know is that I succeeded. A tiny, terrible sun of the pitchest black, shining beautiful Darkness all around it.”

Like a twisted “believe in fairies” – things getting the power you give them, similarly to symbols? Sarah had, back in the days, said the Trophy Room Taxidermy Shop got its powers from people’s interactions with it (MAG096: “What is the significance of this place?” “Nothing, except what people give it. But they give it a lot, make it a place of power for us.”)

If the experiment did indeed happen in space: there had been hypotheses that the “falling satellite debris” which killed Oliver had been the Daedalus, and I had dismissed it because the dates didn’t match at all… but I’m a stupid potato and: of course the crew returned to Earth through a shuttle, and this was explicitly stated by Manuela. So it could still have been the Daedalus going full-on Icarus.

… But on the other hand: while the name “Daedalus” finally takes a bit more meaning with this episode (the story about ~getting too close to the sun~), Daedalus was actually the prudent one, who remained wary of the sun and was clever enough to always escape the murder attempts. Icarus went too close to the sun (and drowned in the sea, leaving Daedalus alone). Daedalus… gave his name to the maze, and brings corridors to minds. (But the “Daedalus project” was an actual, historical one, which never got completed in our world… Rah, I don’t know! The fact that we learned that Manuela had actually been full-on avatar in the space station, and not an innocent scientist victim of The Dark, makes me paranoid about another… twist regarding the station x’))

We’ve had another reference to Icarus in the canon, though: “George Icarus” was the name under which Leitner was buried, as Tim discovered in MAG114. Paid by the Institute. It fits Leitner very well but… given the ties between “Daedalus” and “Icarus”, it feels like a very weird coincidence – so did you get involved in the space project in one way or another, Elias… *squints*)

- Regarding the 4th person on the Daedalus, I’ve been grabbing my face a lot and screaming in silence about the sheer HORROR of suddenly learning that… there was someone else aboard, with Manuela very casually dehumanizing him at every possible turn (“one unlucky nyctophobe”, “I never learned his name, never needed to; he was simply a battery”, “The final experiment had left my battery in such a state that no amount of sound-proofing could dampen the screams, and I was glad of the peace and quiet.”). I wonder if it’s someone we’ve already seen mentioned somewhere…? The only potential one (in my mind) would be Peter “Pete” Gordo, who worked at the Wakefield Prison in MAG052 – Exceptional Risk, and had touched the Dark creature when it came to butcher Robert Montauk. Both the (awful) statement-giver and Jon had highlighted that he had vanished shortly after, in 2002, so he was probably a “half-finished meal” too…

Since Manuela… didn’t mention killing him but implied that she had left him behind (alone) in the station when she went back to Earth with the other two, I wonder if he might have turned into Something Else, or if he plainly died of exhaustion / lack of oxygen / starvation / Fear (alone, in the dark empty infinite space). Conceptually, it could be a good tie-in if he had somehow become an avatar of Extinction, but I don’t know how that could fit with his primal fear and what happened to him. One thing I have in mind, though: Daedalus was the inventor who helped Pasiphae copulate with the bull, in the myth, and the Minotaur wouldn’t have been conceived without it. So… Daedalus contributed to Creating The Monster (before working to contain it). Not sure it could be relevant, but just in case… there is that.

(- Extra-funny thing about Icarus/Daedalus……………… remember how Peter had called Jon in MAG134? A “bull-headed Archivist”. Congrats, Jon! It might have been involuntary (IS IT.) but you’re officially the Monster In The Labyrinth, right now, according to the Lonely creepy boat captain.)

(And again: considering that it turned out Martin was the one who gave Jon the connection to the outside that helped pull him out of the coffin, does that make Martin an Ariadne.)

- So, we got a new name for a ritual (The Dark is ~The Extinguished Sun~) but we also got the notion of a “stronghold” mentioned by Elias:

(MAG135) ELIAS: I don’t know the details. Ny-Ålesund is a stronghold of The Dark, meaning I can’t see inside.

=> Breekon had described the Institute as “The Eye’s Pedestal” (MAG128, “That was the first time we saw what would become this place, The Eye’s Pedestal.”), too. The question is still pending for Point Nemo (a Vast one? An End one?) and Hill Top Road (neutral ground or Web? Desolation? Spiral?). For the Lonely, Carter Chilcott had very specific dreams reminiscent of the graveyard from Naomi’s statement and of the Tundra’s journeys:

(MAG057, Carter Chilcott) “The hallucination stopped. I did not even get the comfort of company in my delusions, though at some point, the line between dreaming and reality seemed to blur. I’d be sleeping, strapped into my bed in the middle of the void, or at the same time floating through ancient graveyards or the open, empty sea. They weren’t hallucinations though, they were dreams – even if the cold seem to seep out of them, and into the bones of me.”

And there were the places where ritual attempts took place – the Wax Museum for The Stranger (though the Taxidermy Shop was also “a place of power” for them), that Elias claimed to be unable to access (and Jon did feel weird with no conception of time there); the town of Bucoda, for The Buried; Sannikov Land, for The Spiral; the Gnostic church near Istanbul for The Flesh (and potentially the Hither Green Dissenters Chapel for The Dark). Given how these places got… severely destroyed after their rituals got thwarted, it sounds like they were only been temporary places to build up power? Ny-Ålesund and the plain… sea are a bit more permanent than those punctual places, though? (Please, Team Archive, don’t go bombing the whole of Ny-Ålesund.)

- If we’re going to be digging a bit more into Dark-related activities… will we get a confirmation of what the fuck was happening re:Maxwell Rayner? Did he just have a remarkably long lifetime thanks to “feeding” his god, like Simon Fairchild, since we know that he was already around in the XIXth century and Manuela herself made a reference to the fact he had been around for very long (MAG135: “a life as long as his is evidently very good for one’s finances”)? I know the favourite fantheory on this one is that he’d been body-hopping but I’ve never been convinced since we didn’t really have descriptions of him changing, except that he was often Kind Of Old. There… has indeed been a suspicious trend of him targeting or getting a child around him: an unnamed one in 1864 (MAG098, Doctor Algernon Moss: “He is led around by a young Arabian lad of ten or eleven, though the ease with which he carries himself makes me suspect this assistance is an affectation rather than necessity.”); in 1995, Julia was attacked by the creature when she was 12; Basira and the other officers were sent against Rayner after he had kidnapped Callum Brodie, twelve years old, in January 2017 (MAG073, Basira: “Yeah. Callum Brodie. Twelve… twelve years old. Disappeared from his home in Dalston three weeks ago.”) – but it’s not necessarily to get a new body…? I always had the impression that it could plainly be because… well, the fear of the Dark is more prominent in children? So they could perhaps feed Dark-people better?

- I mostly wonder if (/hope that) we will get a bit more information about the relationship between Robert Montauk and Maxwell Rayner, in the process! Because… honestly, except for the fact that Robert’s wife apparently belonged to the People’s Church of the Divine Host (since she had the pendant) and that Robert killed around 40 people between 1990 and 1995 that may or may not have all been related to the cult, there are a loooot of things I’m still uncertain about? And Jon still had Questions about it too:

(MAG052) ARCHIVIST: So what is this thing that seems to have stalked Robert Montauk through so much of his life? And what’s its connection to Rayner? Were they summoning it, containing it, worshipping it? Whatever the case, it seems as though Montauk earned its anger. I feel it might be worthwhile getting a few more torches for the Archive.

(MAG074) ARCHIVIST: Well, that seems to close the book on Maxwell Rayner. Maybe the whole People’s Church of the Divine Host. I can’t help but feel I’ve got the last chapter of a story and I don’t even know the title. At least I hope it’s the last chapter. I still can’t find much about the company Outer Bay Shipping. Looks like a shell corporation, but tracking corporate ownership is not something I’m skilled at.

* Was Julia’s mother a runaway from the cult, or an active participant? It sounded to be the latter since Julia mentioned that she used to have friends who… didn’t inquire on her disappearance (MAG009: “apparently no-one noticed she was gone, which was strange as I have vague memories of her having friends over a lot before she vanished.”) Had she left her pendant to trap Julia too? Did she disappear to protect Julia? Did she willingly get spirited away? Actually, Robert told Julia she was “gone” but since Robert’s last victim had disappeared from his previous life a few years before his murder (MAG009, Archivist: “Christopher Lorne was a member of the church and his family hadn’t heard from him in the six years prior to his murder.”)… could it be possible that Julia’s mother is actually… still alive… and very Invested in the cult…

* Robert apparently did these things in order to protect Julia from… the cult? The creature? Maxwell? Julia did highlight that protecting her was one of his concerns (MAG009: “He whispered to me then, when he thought I was asleep, promised to protect me, to make sure that ‘it wouldn’t get me too’.”), but she didn’t really come out of the story acknowledging that it was what he was trying to achieve, I felt – not even to renounce his methods or success. Even when we got her live-statement in MAG109, she presented his actions as unrelated to her. But what was Robert doing exactly, and why…?

* Julia highlighted that they didn’t get any money problems (MAG009: “it was only after his arrest that I discovered that had been the point he’d resigned his job on the police force. I don’t know where the money came from after that but we always seemed to have enough.”) sooo was Maxwell Rayner paying for Robert’s… services?

* Robert and Rayner apparently hated each other by the time of Robert’s imprisonment, when Rayner visited him in Wakefield Prison in late March 2002, a few months before getting butchered by The Dark’s creature (… or one of them):

(MAG052, Phillip Brown) ��It was an older guy, I’d guess late 50s, wearing a well-tailored black suit and an expression of disgust. When I brought Montauk in, his face fell, and he went very pale. I’d helped folks beat Robert Montauk a dozen times or more, but I had never seen him look scared. He sat down opposite the old man, and they looked each other in the eye through the thick glass. I think the visitor might have been blind. His eyes were cloudy, but he had no cane or dog. And it didn’t seem to affect how he looked at Montauk. Neither of them spoke. The seconds turned into minutes and still they didn’t say a word. They just sat there staring. Given where I work, it’s really something to be able to say that I’ve never seen two people who hated each other as much as Robert Montauk and that old man.

[…] I was tense, ready to fight off Montauk if he decided to make a move, but instead, a soft voice came from out of the darkness. I didn’t recognise it, but I thought it sounded like it came from the old man, and I don’t think he was talking to me. [STATIC:] “You didn’t think you could kill it for long, did you?” [/STATIC] That’s what it said. Then Pete got the door open, and a shaft of light poured in from the corridor. I could once again see Montauk and the old man sat there, motionless. It didn’t seem like they’d moved an inch, though as I went to take Montauk back to his cell, I noticed that he was crying.”

But before that, Rayner had apparently sent Robert after his next targets (MAG009, Julia: “He asked me to tell my father that it was Detective Rayner on the line with a new case for him.”), so? Unless the last one was someone that Robert went after without Rayner’s approval? Christopher Lorne, Robert’s last victim, was the only identified one, and was confirmed to have belonged to the People’s Church of the Divine Host. Was he an exception, or were all the previous victims from the cult too? In that case, why the heck was Maxwell Rayner getting them killed…? Or were they typical sacrifices in the cult? What happened, for Rayner to have come to loathe Robert, although he previous appeared to be giving him instructions…?

* Unless… was the man who phoned the Montauk’s house and pretended to be “officer Rayner” actually Maxwell Rayner, or someone making fun of him? Julia mentioned that the voice was old (fitting Rayner, forever a bit old) but… that it had an accent (MAG009: “It was a breathy voice, like that of an old man, and at the time I decided he had a German accent, though, when I was young a lot of different nationalities and accents were lumped together in my mind under the label ‘German’.”). If we know one thing from Maxwell Rayner’s voice, at least during the XIXth century, it’s precisely… that it just sounded unremarkable in English (MAG098: “Both speak perfect English, with no accent I can recognise”) – though the statement also dealt with German folklore and Rayner Knew about it, so who knows. Same person, different perceptions? Body-hopping after all? “Maxwell Rayner” being a mantle and a role more than the same person/soul?

- tl;dr Given how The Dark has been a huge part of Julia’s story and there is still room for Questions regarding Robert Montauk… if the Archival staff is planning to go after the remnant of the cult, I really hope that it will be Julia’s cue to come back… Although it has been stated that she couldn’t handle the idea of travelling by boat for very long.

- Re: Manuela’s DRIVE, how fitting that this was also an episode in which Elias casually mentioned his own ~patron~ (I’m really glad that Peter and Elias are now using that word too! It had, so far, mostly been used by other people to refer to avatars’ gods, not avatars themselves presenting their gods this way). Elias rarely mentions The Eye unprompted, and there was something interesting in the way the plural “you” from Manuela’s statement, referring to Gertrude and Elias, became that implied “we” from Elias, referring to him and… Jon, nowadays.

(MAG135) ELIAS: Fine. Consider it a test – things are… coming, things that will need Jon to be far stronger and more willing to use his connection to our patron.

Not the first time Elias amalgamated Jon and himself in the same ~we~ (MAG092: “It doesn’t please your master?” “Our master, Jon.”) but it was especially noticeable since Manuela had totally reduced the relevant Eye agents to the Archivist and the Head of the Institute, too. I don’t know how to explain that but… I felt like there was a bit of an echo, between the fact that Manuela had her own “we” (“even with the loss of Darvish, we will still be victorious”) with clearly identified, more powerful figures (Maxwell, Darvish, Manuela herself), and the… Eye people. There is mostly Elias and Jon, they’re the ones with powers, and as Manuela is describing The Dark’s ritual coming closer at the time of her statement, I feel like the shadow of the Watcher’s Crown is silently looming in a corner?

- As usual: e v e r y t h i n g about Elias. It’s been twice in a row now that Peter appears in an episode only for Elias to do the same in the very next episode and it feels like a competition between the Two Bastards to claim the Throne. Or a friendly competition between Alasdair Stuart and Ben Meredith to see who will manage to make people laughscream the most.

Anyway, non-exhaustive bullet list of Elias being… Elias:

* Do you think he will manage to give ONE GOOD PERFORMANCE REVIEW ONE DAY. I mean, how did he handle Melanie, who worked the hardest of all the assistants in the beginning of season 3, who read the most statements after Martin, who was given work by Jon, and all despite the lack of Archival training&direction (as she called Elias out on)?

(MAG106) ELIAS: And… how are you finding it? MELANIE: Is that a joke? ELIAS: Aside from the obvious, I mean. MELANIE: Oh well, I… I suppose it’s been… unstructured. Without Jon around, and with you being sat up here lurking, there’s not been a lot of useful direction. ELIAS: I see. MELANIE: I mean, you pick out a statement occasionally, and Jon might phone in to ask after some… scrap of information, but to be honest, no one’s even really told me what an “archival assistant” is actually supposed to do.

[A FEW EVIL SPEECHES AND PSYCHOLOGICAL TORTURE SESSIONS LATER]

MELANIE: [BROKEN SOBS] ELIAS: Anyway. Aside from all of that, I’d say your performance has been… satisfactory.

Meanwhile, Jon, who managed to snap out of the chaos that was The Unknowing, saw through Nikola, managed to compel Tim back to awareness enough for Tim to use the detonator…

(MAG135) ELIAS: Consider it a test – things are… coming, things that will need Jon to be far stronger and more willing to use his connection to our patron. His performance during The Unknowing was… disappointing.

… was “disappointing”. THAT’S NOT WHAT YOU SAID IN MAG120, THOUGH, YOU JERK:

(MAG120) ELIAS: You’re doing well, Jon. I only hope you can continue your growth without my guidance.

Insert the “My job here is done.” “But you didn’t do anything…?” meme here.

Elias, just face it: you’re a shit boss, a shit manager, a shit leader, absolutely terrible when it comes to actually giving direction, they’re not responsible for this!! :w

* Well, at the same time, calm your Jon!boner Elias:

(MAG135) BASIRA: Then you messed up. Way he tells it, he doesn’t know how he got out of there. ELIAS: But he did. And his powers were no small part of it. Even if he required some assistance, they were what saved him. And he’s still achieved what no one – mortal, monster, or anything in-between – has ever been able to. He climbed out of The Buried. […] If Gertrude had a plan for this one, I haven’t found it, which is why Jon needs to be closer to The Eye. If anyone can stop what’s happening, he can. See through the darkness, etcetera.

I had wondered whether Jon wasn’t beginning to get a biiit more powerful than was to Elias’s taste (since he mentioned to Basira that he has given instructions to prevent Jon from visiting him if Jon was inclined to it in MAG127, and Jon demonstrated in MAG128 how he’s now able to… extract statements from unwilling subjects, plus the overall droplets of knowledge), but it sounds like it’s actually going according to plan. Elias had already mentioned that Jon was… supposed to grow his own powers and be the one to take care of The Unknowing, back in MAG102, but here, Elias came across as especially powerless compared to Jon (“I don’t know the details. Ny-Ålesund is a stronghold of The Dark, meaning I can’t see inside.”) and… not even trying to pretend anymore that He Has An Important Role On His Own. Jon is the Archivist, we knooow, we’ve been told, but what is Elias’s function in this mess, then…?

* I’m not sure that there is anything more behind the “detective” title he’s giving to Basira since, as mentioned another time… it was something Georgie initially used (MAG122: “You’re the detective.”) and Elias uses it precisely because Basira pointed out that it wasn’t her title?

(MAG135) ELIAS: Nice to see you again, detective. BASIRA: Still not a detective. Never was. ELIAS: Oh, but everyone else seems to be getting a title these days, why shouldn’t you– BASIRA: [SLAMS HANDS ON THE TABLE] Cut the shit! […] ELIAS: I rather feel the real shame would be letting the entire world fall into Darkness because of a single person’s wounded pride. Detective. The stakes are far too high for that kind of… indulgence. […] ELIAS: Good luck. Detective.

It sounds mostly, to me, like a cat staring you RIGHT IN THE EYES while slowly pushing your favourite mug off the table? Doing it just to piss her off? Elias never used “Archivist” with Jon either (except in statement-mode in MAG120, but he went back to “Jon” when addressing him directly through the tape right after the static had faded), so I’m not sure there is particular… substance to it. On the one hand, it would sound like the perfect title for a Hunter-Beholding activity (tailing someone or something and learning about their privacy, potentially cumulating both fears of being hunted and exposed). On the other hand, I can’t help but feel like it could be another jab at Martin, who had mentioned his own lack of special pet name:

(MAG092) ELIAS: You think you’re the only police officer eager to do violence and call it justice? No, there are plenty of other rabid dogs out there, mad with the Hunt.

(MAG116) ELIAS: Oh, and, Jon, technically, I can’t stop you, but I would heavily advise against bringing any… rogue… elements. MARTIN: You can just say Tim.

(MAG118) MARTIN: Oh. That’s it, isn’t it! Martin’s just acting out! I mean, Daisy’s a rabid dog, and Melanie’s a potential killer; Tim’s a… a, a rogue element, but Martin? Oh, Martin’s just, just acting out! He’ll have a cry, and a lie-down, and feel much better!

(And once again: Elias did mention that Jon had received ~assistance~ to get out of the coffin… but managed to not name Martin directly, pfftttr.)

* Even more rattling chain sounds every time Elias opens his mouth => he’s using his hands a l o t when talking, uh. Gesturing person. VERY dramatic person. Is it a prerequisite for working at the Institute, was that the reason Elias chose Jon as the next Archivist.

* Oooh, Elias.

(MAG135) BASIRA: [SLAMS HANDS ON THE TABLE] Cut the shit! What are you playing at? ELIAS: I’m sure I don’t know what you mean.

When you’re playing at too many things at the same time that you can honestly not answer that question.

* Overall: I LIVE FOR ALL THE ELIAS-BASIRA EXCHANGES THIS SEASON… In season 1 and 2, they probably would have had very civil and cordial discussions but… beginning season 3, yes, Elias had begun to Let It Out way more (was it costing him that much to hold off and to appear proper and respectable? … or did the role just become Free Ben Estate.) and it’s even worse now. He’s so bratty and petty, and Basira had always been so straight-to-the-point and no-bullshit (except when it comes to office gossip) that it’s delightful and feels like she has to handle a spoiled brat while not being paid enough for this.

(MAG135) BASIRA: If you’re lying about this– ELIAS: You’ll kill me? [HUFF] I can hardly wait. [STEPS DEPARTING]

eLIAS, THAT’S LOW (the thing about kill-me-and-you’re-all-dying still stands, that’s precisely why they chose to get him arrested) AND YOU HAVE NO PRIDE YOURSELF.

* Though I am also very mad that Elias confirmed that His Plan regarding Basira’s investigations… was to get her out, because she’s Jon’s impulse-control.

(MAG135) ELIAS: Would you simply believe I wanted you and Daisy reunited? BASIRA: No. ELIAS: Fine.

I LOVE BASIRA SO M U C H…

Elias… called Basira out on her “pride” (“I rather feel the real shame would be letting the entire world fall into Darkness because of a single person’s wounded pride. Detective.”), and I’m worried that he might be spot-on on this one, like he was with Melanie and Tim. Though he’s currently nurturing Basira’s frustrations – sending her all over the globe before basically admitting that she couldn’t have done anything relevant herself? Now talking her down? Insisting that Jon is their best chance, apparently not taking her into consideration at all except as a potential messenger? Offering an “idea” that turned out to have been manipulation, and now giving new instructions while highlighting that she’s in no position to refuse? Either he’s still awfully bad when it comes to hurting people and not expecting them to get back at you, either he’s Compensating Hard for the prison time, either he’s trying to foster harsh reactions from Basira (and it won’t help her to warm up to Jon if Elias keeps presenting Jon as their most reliable chance ;;).

- I am HYSTERICAL over the fact that we’re finally getting another bit of something related to Elias’s backstory and that it’s that he was apparently acquainted with MAXWELL RAYNER:

(MAG135, Manuela Dominguez) “I come to you with a warning. And an offer. When you read this, I would consider it a great favour if you could share my words with the Head of your Institute. Tell him that Maxwell Rayner sends his regards and offers… sanctuary. A time of holy Darkness is at hand, when The Eye will close forever, and in the spirit of the friendship they once shared, he offers an opportunity – to surrender. Forsake the Ceaseless Watcher; abandon your position, and you shall be spared in the Blind World to come. In the spirit of reconciliation, and to convince you of our sincerity… I offer my story. Much as it may pain me to feed the sick voyeur that lurks in this place.

[…] That’s all I really came here to say! To let you know we had succeeded. And to make your boss an offer on behalf of Maxwell. […] So by all means, do your worst. Or prostrate yourself, both of you, before the Forever Blind – and perhaps you might be spared. Maxwell and I await your decision, with keen interest.”

ELIAS……………………

And nothing says more than “(ex)friendship” than confirming that you gave a tip to Section 31 to ensure they would go after and get rid of your old ~~friend~~, uh:

(MAG073) ARCHIVIST: […] Oddly enough, all I can think about is how did the police know where Rayner was keeping the boy? Basira didn’t seem to know, and the Church clearly wasn’t expecting the police to arrive. With a few exceptions, Rayner managed to stay off the grid for two decades. How did they find him now? Someone must have known what was happening and tipped them off. And I don’t think it was anyone inside that building.

(MAG135) ELIAS: You thought the final death of Maxwell Rayner might have sufficiently derailed them? Yes, that was my hope too, but alas it would seem not. BASIRA: Maxwell… You… You called in that tip, sent us out to their warehouse. ELIAS: And now I’m sending you out again.

(I’m so glad that it was confirmed!)

Until now, almost everything we had about Elias’s… life outside of the Institute was the Infamous Bits about His Official Backstory (which directly contradicted the small mention from MAG029 that he was a filing clerk at the Institute in 1972 – or at least, highlighted that uhoh, something doesn’t match here and that’s a twenty-years difference, the staff should have noticed):

(MAG049) ARCHIVIST: Supplemental. Elias Bouchard is a difficult man to pin down, certainly since he became head of the Institute in 1996 […]. It was a remarkably fast climb to the top, as from what I can find, it looks like he only joined the Institute five years before, in 1991, working in the Artefact Storage. […] And yet, everything I found out about his life before the Institute seems… an ill fit with the austere man I know. He apparently graduated with a Third from Christ Church’s College in PPE, and I found an old gossip column in the student newspaper that – sure well – that mentioned him. If I’m not reading too much into it, the implication seems to be that he was… something of a… pothead [CHUCKLES]. Was he… like that when he first came to work here…?

If this information is accurate: the time of Elias’s studies and his starting at the Institute would match the time-period during which the People’s Church of the Divine Host were officially active (MAG009: “a small cult that grew around the defrocked Pentecostal minister Maxwell Rayner in London during the late eighties and early nineties. […] Mr. Rayner himself disappeared from public view sometime in 1994 and the group fragmented shortly afterwards.”). How the heck did Elias apparently meet him, though? And mostly: … how could Rayner even have The Audacity to offer for them to just… resign? Manuela mentioned that she supposed “there is also an element of provocation here as well” and YOU DON’T SAY…

Wild hypotheses about the Rayner-Elias relationship, not in any particular order of Seriousness:

* Since Manuela only referred to “the Head of the Institute”, without naming Elias, and she referred to the fact that Rayner had been around for very long (we have a statement mentioning him from 1864): it’s an Old Thing, whether or not “Elias” is actually Jonah Magnus. (At the same time… given The Show that Elias is currently putting on, he really doesn’t read to me as being potentially 200+y old? He sounds way too immature and petty and frustrated to be this old?)

* Okay, so amongst the Eye-folks, there seems to be a trend of “x all the Entities”. Gertrude: thwarting all the Entities’ rituals. Jon: getting whumped by all the Entities and having scars to Show. Martin, man of 16 Fears: being courted by all the Entities. Elias: bedding all the Entities??

* Elias was a member of the cult during his Wild Days, before swinging another way when it began to crumble and/or before getting a Revelation at the Institute?

- … It’s also possible that the things about “friendship” were actually awfully sarcastic and cruel in their own ways. We have had the example of Mike Crew who was pursued by an entity and managed to escape it by giving himself fully to another, it… could have been something like that with Elias, too? Escaping the Dark by throwing himself into Beholding?

One thing I find striking is that, quite often, when we learned about the Spooky backstory of people who are currently tied to the Institute, Beholding wasn’t exactly the main Fear that they had encountered – mostly, they witnessed someone around them getting taken by a Fear, and were spectators who didn’t try (or manage) to stop it and… pressed on to know what was happening:

(MAG081) ARCHIVIST: And of course, in my heart, I knew that no-one else could have possibly seen anything as horrible as I had. Well, maybe I could have named one person, but… I watched him disappear forever. […] I had no idea what was going on, not really, but I was somehow desperate to get that book back. He was much bigger than me, though, so all I could do was follow as he walked down alleys and side streets. […] A strange conviction that, if I had been able to face that thing myself, maybe I could have saved him. Stopped it. Ridiculous, of course, I was eight.

(MAG101) MICHAEL: When he was in school, [Michael Shelley] lost a friend to something like me. His friend was named Ryan, but those in power simply called him schizophrenic. I don’t know if he was, but it doesn’t matter. He was so dreadfully afraid his world wasn’t real that to make it so was almost nothing. Michael was there when he was taken; he never got over what he saw. Or didn’t see. After much searching and despair, it drove him into the waiting arms of the Institute, where he met Gertrude Robinson.

(MAG104) TIM: I always tell myself there was some force there. Something that held me in place and meant that all I could do was watch. But sometimes when I think back, I remember how my legs shook, and maybe I could move. … Maybe I’m just a coward.

(Tim was literally a SPECTATOR in a theatre… Plus, add Basira who witnessed one colleague be taken by Diego Molina during her first Section 31’d case, and another colleague get killed by Natalie Ennis; Daisy who saw her colleague be taken by the coffin during her first Section 31’d case; Melanie… who didn’t lose anyone close to her in the process but still witnessed the strange things happening to “Sarah”, and a ghost getting butchered in the train.)

Survivor’s bias, but still noticeable – does Beholding put a claim on almost everyone who survived a Spooky encounter, maybe?

So I don’t know, really, but somethingsomething could the Dark actually have been the experience that originally pushed Elias towards the Institute…? (Jon had assumed, and seemed to have been validated in that regard, that Elias had trouble Watching in the tunnels, which are notoriously very dark. Perhaps the best way to insure Elias would shut the heck up would be to… plainly put a blindfold on him, and he would turn catatonic.)

- Meanwhile: Peter was mentioned for the first time in MAG033, appeared for the first time in episode MAG100. He has had a speaking presence in five episodes since then. He has been an absolute chatterbox when it comes to Elias – there has been no episode in which he didn’t mention him. Elias has been around since MAG017, has had a speaking presence in… eight? episodes since Peter appeared. And still. Has made. No mention. Whatsoever. Of. Any. “Peter Lukas”. Elias………………

(- Assuming that they do know each other, given that Elias said that:

(MAG135) ELIAS: Have you ever seen the Aurora borealis? It’s lovely this time of year. It would be a shame to lose them.

… Did he see them while on The Tundra? Romantikku.)

- Elias managed to not even mention Martin when describing that Jon had ~received help~ to get out of the coffin, and I want to believe that he’s still bitter about his arrest. Though… I really got the feeling, with MAG134 and how Martin described it, that it was The Web and… interestingly, Elias didn’t seem as wary of what happened as Peter.

(MAG135) BASIRA: Then you messed up. Way he tells it, he doesn’t know how he got out of there. ELIAS: But he did. And his powers were no small part of it. Even if he required some assistance, they were what saved him. And he’s still achieved what no one – mortal, monster, or anything in-between – has ever been able to. He climbed out of The Buried.

So either it was actually Beholding guiding Martin there, either it gives some credentials to the idea that Elias had been collaborating or tolerating The Web at the Institute for a long while? There is also that strange connection between Jon and Martin: the fact that Martin just knew that Jon was alive (MAG088, Martin: “It’s the not knowing, you know? I mean, Jon’s still alive. Not sure why, but I’m sure of that. But Sasha, I…”) + the “DIG” from the same episode’s statement, read by Martin, creeping into Jon’s dreams (MAG120). So still no certainties about it but… there is something.

- I… am… very… wary… of the way Elias is OH SO VERY CONVENIENTLY pushing in the direction of Jon’s own uncertainty.

(MAG135) ARCHIVIST: I mean, the Sun’s still there so I assume they failed. Unless they’re still… waiting to attempt it. That’s not the sort of statement you give… four years before you try to actually… ! … Or is it… The timeframes on these, er, “attempts”, the–these rituals, well… they seem variable, to say the least. When I try to think about it, uh– […] [SIGH] I’ll keep digging. If there is another ritual upcoming, I’ll need all the information I can get on it. I can’t believe Gertrude didn’t have a plan for it. I hope I’m just being over-cautious, that it’s already long since dealt with, but… we’ll see. […] I can’t afford to be just living one day at a time, I need… a plan. But I don’t even know what I’m trying to achieve… And no one… no one wants to tell me. Hm. [SIGH] End recording.

(MAG135) ELIAS: I have been observing a recent increase in people and supplies being moved to the small town of Ny-Ålesund, in Svalbard. An increase which I believe may be linked to a rather desperate attempt, by the People’s Church of the Divine Host, to perform a crude ritual of their own. To bring their… “Mr. Pitch”… into the world. […] I don’t know the details. Ny-Ålesund is a stronghold of The Dark, meaning I can’t see inside. I… believe they call it “The Extinguished Sun”, though that’s as much as I know. If Gertrude had a plan for this one, I haven’t found it, which is why Jon needs to be closer to The Eye. If anyone can stop what’s happening, he can. See through the darkness, etcetera. […] Feel free to do your own research to confirm what I’m telling you. Just don’t take too long.

It… it sounds way too much like throwing Jon a bone to ensure that he will get a Dark scar/experience, since Jon had been unable to Know whether Gertrude had managed to stop them or not. It doesn’t feel like Elias is taking this threat too seriously (compare it to the way he had handled The Unknowing?!), but more that he’s pretty confident that they won’t manage anyway and that he can… totally afford to be totally shitty about it since, anyway, he knows that Jon and the others will get worried and will get invested because they can’t afford to risk allowing another ritual to succeed? I find it hard to believe that The Dark is currently any threat but I totally understand that just in case, yes, the Archive Team would feel like they must intervene.

… and with The Lonely (and The Extinction), the only physical scars/marks that Jon is still missing? Are from The Dark. He’s never experienced it directly either and… catapulting him over to Svalbard sounds like the IDEAL opportunity for it, uh. Elias didn’t explicitly say that stopping The Dark was why he needed Jon to get stronger – there were two separate things, he implied causality but… didn’t explicitly say that it was the case so. Suspicious. Of course he would need Jon stronger for The Eye’s ritual, ultimately, after all…?

… But another thing that makes me flip out? IS THAT ELIAS IS NOW FACTORING IN THAT JON CARES FOR THE EXTENDED ARCHIVE TEAM:

(MAG092) ELIAS: You may believe yourself to have friends, to have confidantes, but in the end, all they are, is something for you to watch, to know, and ultimately to discard.

(MAG135) ELIAS: […] His performance during The Unknowing was… disappointing. I needed a way to force him to harness his ability more acutely than he had before. The coffin was a useful tool; Daisy an adequate bait.

………………… and yes, Jon will probably get a new injury on the way: he’ll get mauled by one of the Dark creatures in best case scenario, he could lose his eyes at worst (… does he even need them nowadays. I mean, YES it would be heart-breaking but. It sounds like One Of These Things very likely to happen to him.)… but I’m more worried about Basira.

Because if Elias is now factoring in that to push Jon further, you have to use the fact that he cares, Ny-Ålesund sounds like a Big Danger for BASIRA.

She was there when Maxwell Rayner was killed.

The only other witnesses were police officers (all Section 31’d nowadays). She didn’t kill Rayner herself but. But. I do not trust Elias one second to not spread (or have already spread) misleading rumours letting Dark cultists think that Basira had been the one to kill Maxwell Rayner. Jon had noticed people wearing the People’s Church pendants outside (MAG123) and we still don’t know why they’re hanging around so close to the Institute but really… I can’t help but feel like if they’re targeting someone, it’s Basira, and not Jon.

- About Jon’s feeling regarding the way the other staff members look at him…

(MAG135) ARCHIVIST: I don’t… like interacting with the rest of the Institute these days. The way they look at me, I– … I don’t know. I don’t know what they’ve heard, what the rumours going around are, but… they have definitely heard something…! [SIGH] And they can’t wait until they don’t have to talk to me anymore. Can’t honestly say I blame them, none of this is easy. Everyone’s just trying to get through as best they can. Living one day at a time. 

I’m not sure of what is happening, so:

* Is there indeed something noticeable in Jon nowadays? A gaze a bit too intense, an overall aura, something that makes you think “he’s spooky” without being able to pinpoint how? Too many eyes? Daisy was in the room when he read MAG133’s statement, I still feel like if anyone would be able to tell… it would be her.

* Alternatively, it… could also be an effect of the Lonely, again, since Jon had mentioned feeling isolated/lonely and… he’s very prone to feeling this as soon as he’s physically alone. It could just be that Jon feels like he can’t connect and that nobody wants to talk to him, while people are just… behaving towards him normally, but the Lonely is warping his perception.

* Alternatively: did Peter spread rumours on him through memos.

* Alternatively… oh, Jon… there could be so many reasons for people to not want to get involved with you Just In Case… Objectively: the Archives were attacked by Prentiss’s worms in Summer 2016. Jon was a mess for the following six months, before a body was discovered in the Archives and Sasha disappeared; Jon was on the run and the prime suspect. He came back and was on and off for a few months… before Tim died in an explosion in the Wax Museum alongside him, and Jon was hospitalised. And now he’s back. He means trouble, he means danger and, yes, people thought that Tim was having a breakdown when he was ranting about what was actually happening (as Martin told Jon in MAG102) but… Tim was popular. Tim used to be social, chatting with students and acting as relay between them and Jon (when they noticed errors in MAG033)… and Tim died.

Even Tim aside, there was the matter of Elias’s arrest and… Elias looked like he was actually well-liked by the staff? He was invested in the Institute’s life:

(MAG098) MELANIE: Uh, Martin? Have you seen Elias? MARTIN: Oh, uh… no. But Tuesday lunch he normally meets with the Library staff, I think?

And Rosie was chill with him (you don’t go “Yep, will do” at a boss you fear…). It’s possible that people resented Jon for Elias’s arrest and/or thought that Jon had framed him (which. to be honest.)? There are so many reasons for people to just… be wary of him, indeed…

- Jon’s voice was… something, at the beginning of MAG135. Sulky, tired, crushed? He reminded me of how he had introduced MAG129’s statement right after his encounter with Martin (clearly… unwell and plain sad); could have been caused by what he recounted regarding his interactions with the rest of the Institute, or by the content of the statement itself (it… wasn’t great news and Jon had no certainty about a possible positive outcome), but I wonder if it mightn’t be that reading statements left by Avatars is more taxing, since they’re more involved with the Fears? Does it feed Beholding a bit too much? He was very tired after Jane Prentiss’s; he collapsed after Breekon’s; he was clearly not fine with Manuela’s here. The only exception I can think of is MAG074 – Fatigue, which left him exhausted despite not apparently being (as far as we know) from an avatar?

- Raise your hand if Jon keeps slowly breaking your heart into small pieces when he has to tell himself, again and again, that he has to focus and that he can’t save everyone…

(MAG132) ARCHIVIST: I… heard someone. He was begging for me to save him. Said he couldn’t breathe. … I can barely breathe. I couldn’t find him. But I am… n–not here for him. I don’t even know him.

(MAG135) ARCHIVIST: At least, the coffin’s gone. I gave Artefact Storage some very specific instructions, and they’ve got it solidly sealed away. … Is locking it up the right thing to do? There are other people in there. And Daisy and I got out, but– … No, I, uh… I can’t think about that. Even if I could somehow be sure of recreating our escape, I–I can’t save everyone that’s been taken. I–It’s not my job to try, I– And I can’t spend another three days in there, I just… I need to let it go.

(But I’m still worried that this could be… how Gertrude started out, too. At first focusing on people around her and on the missions ahead, before gradually coming to thinking that the others were necessarily sacrifices for the Greater Good. Though in Jon’s case: he’s been… very consistently upset and sad for victims overall. So right now, he’s encouragingly… totally unlike Gertrude. Caring so much.)

- Bring as many torches as you can, once again. And your Web lighter, Jon? What happened to that one since the end of season 3 ;;

(… They don’t even need to go to Svalbard, actually, since there was still the matter of St. Paul’s Church in West Hackney, from MAG063, though Jon hadn’t managed to find any connection with the People’s Church of the Divine Host but… it was clearly a Dark creature lurking there? And the statement was from 2014.)

- If Team Archive goes to Norway in a group expedition trip… I’m picturing the door of the Archives, closed. Jon having left a note warning people that they’ll be away for a week or two, the Archives will be closed during that time. Scribble from Daisy underneath: “If we don’t die.” (Helen having added “Of fun!”, before adding something else about this door being closed, but people can still knock if they need a door, she’d do her bestest.) Melanie put a message encouraging to NOT take a job here if they happen to hire new staff after their disappearances in ~dark conditions~. Basira tried to salvage the memo with a mention about contacting the police with a mention of Section 31 if they failed. Martin passing by, one day, and losing it because pETER, WHAT DID YOU ALLOW TO HAPPEN AGAIN, YOU SAID THEY WOULD BE SAFE–

- Elias said the words “SVALBARD” and “AURORA BOREALIS” in an episode about “DARK MATTER”, so my heart is screaming and seeing this as His Dark Materials representation. Come on, the Archives crew are millennials, they have read the trilogy, right right right? :w

… Well, maybe not Jon, who probably didn’t manage to finish the first volume and/or gave up on the second one when he realized that Will’s cat wouldn’t be the main protagonist. (Maybe he secretly stanned Lyra a bit for her tendency to just run away from the College. And also panserbjørne. He would stan The Bears.) Sasha’s first dream job was to be a witch because Serafina was DANG COOL, with becoming an aeronaut coming in close second; cue Heated Bi Debates with Tim, because his tiny bi heart had been awakened through other options (Lord Asriel? Terrible, but hot!! Marisa Coulter? Terrible but hella hot!!). Basira got her lesbian awakening with Mary – smart clever scientist who went Fuck Injustice? Sign her up. Melanie loved Will, loved WILL’S KNIFE, and also loved to read about bears savagely murdering each other (oh no, sheer horror if she ever finds out she had that in common with Jon!). Helen might need to have the story told to her but she goes “!! I can open doors and Windows too! :D”. Georgie loved the technology and the Gallivespians communicating through Lodestone resonators (… actually, Jon probably made her think about the Gallivespians. A lot). … Aza mentioned to me that “ahah, Martin must have projected so hard on Will” and I hate her, it was supposed to be all fun headcanons but oh no now it’s awfully sad (=> Will’s mother being sick and needing his help! Not being reliable, but it doesn’t matter, she loves him! And turns out that Will’s dad had never abandoned them, not exactly, and that he had always loved them all very much!) (YEAH NOW IT’S SUPER SAD WHEN THINKING ABOUT MARTIN PROJECTING.)

(Let’s compensate the Sad by thinking about Jon and the assistants going on a boat trip to Norway, and NOTHING BAD HAPPENING, they’ll manage to neutralise the Dark’s feeble attempt and nobody will die or be gravely injured or traumatised by anything :| So they get to enjoy the trip, even if it’s probably on the Tundra and Jon is seething because still no sign of Peter Lukas anywhere, Martin is there though mostly inaccessible (… all alone on the boat to fuel it?), but Jon still managed to grab him at some point to have Meaningful Discussions in the cold of the deck, at night, when they’re undignifiedly bundled up in layers and layers of down jackets, Martin being especially starry-eyed at the starry sky because as he had mentioned in MAG113, he never got to travel much, and he’s getting Something Nice for once even if it’s when on their way to probably die a dark death – but they don’t and it stays something nice :[)

(What do you mean, I slept 2h30 last night and worked overtime today and I’m surviving thanks to my 7th coffee.)

MAG136’s title is out and AAAAAAAAAAAAH???? WEB??? WEB??? I want to think that a twist could be at work here (The Corruption and The Desolation ought to be offended, tfw still no episode almost halfway into season 4 :w) but it screams WEB, it screams especially strongly SHE, SHE, THE WIFE… Though Annabelle was “the story-spinner” and this is another title altogether. On the one hand, Jon has been repeatedly lamenting over his overall lack of direction, so it could be Her Cue to go see him in person or send him someone who survived her… but on the other hand mmmm, too soon for that maybe? Could also be something about Raymond Fielding, perhaps? (Or twist and it’s not Web.) (… second-meaning could be about so many people… Peter? Elias (ha, he wished.)? Annabelle?)

#mag135 #long post/ #tma liveblog #the magnus archives #tma season 4

[idk-and-wtf]

Goodbye 2018

There's a few other people doing this in the tag so why not chronical my year? (Also I live in the western US and New Year's takes ages to get here)

2018...you've been wild. The ups and downs have been extreme, this year more than ever. In January I fell very ill with the flu that quickly turned to pneumonia, and around the same time my grandmother passed away from dementia. Not a great time. The rest of spring 2018 was basically me dealing with healing from the second bout of pnuemonia in my life and trying to be motivated to graduate high school. May was crazy. Graduation, Drama club banquet (where the club celebrates the year and seniors say goodbye to everyone), light designing short shows, and saying goodbye. Lost a lot of friends.

Where the first part of the year sucked, summer was meh. I worked everyday I'm the summer as a CNA, and struggled to save up to pay for my freshman semester. I hardly saw anyone I knew, but I felt better than I had in a long time. August saw a road trip across my state to national parks and beautiful locations. We went to Best Friends Animal Sanctuary to volunteer and I think I found the place I want to live one day: Kanab, UT.

Then my first semester of college at my dream school. It's amazing to finally be here, where I always wanted to go. I was always unsure of what I wanted to do in college, and found my way this year. I'm currently pre-MLS and I'm so excited for the future. The laboratory is where I want to be, working abroad to further discuss research. I've never felt more sure in my life. Passed my finals in December, somehow, after struggling with Gen Chem 1. I got A's :). Sadly ended the year with a tonsillectomy, which is one of the worst surgery recoveries for an adult and I'm very, very sorry for anyone who has to deal with it. I will make one suggestion: if you can, eat less processed foods. They will taste better. And I highly suggest that the first week you try and eat baby food. It's pureed, soft and cold. Even if it is gross, eat it. You will want to keep food in your stomach to help you not commit your meds. Trust me.

All in all...it's been rough 2018, but I have grown more than ever, and have grown closer to people I never thought I would. Hell, maybe 2019 will see a certain friend of mine become even closer than he is if ya catch my drift. Who knows? Just like Jack, I'm hopeful for next year, and I'm really holding on to PMA, as some days it was the only thing that kept me going. So let 2019 be the year of better things, and of improving myself. And please, don't let me get as sick as I was in 2018? Pretty please?

#2019 #2018 #new years eve #jacksepticeye #idk and wtf #just for me to look at and keep my thoughts in line

[what-if-rpg]

Welcome to the family, L! Your application to KITTY WILDE was accepted. I am really happy to have you around! Make sure to read the beginners checklist, and remember, have fun! I can’t wait to roleplay with you! Have fun!

IN CHARACTER

CHARACTER NAME: Katherine “Kitty” Marie Wilde CHARACTER AGE & DATE OF BIRTH: 22 August 24th OCCUPATION: Bartender at Sassy Nights FACE CLAIM: Becca Tobin HOMETOWN & CITY WHERE LIVES NOW: Born in Lima, Ohio, and now she resides in New York City SEXUAL ORIENTATION & GENDER: Closeted pansexual, she/her RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Single POSITIVE TRAITS: Caring, Witty, Smart NEGATIVE TRAITS: Mean, bossy, abrasive, self righteous CHARACTER QUOTE/LYRIC: “I’m aware that I am less than some people prefer me to be, but most people are unaware that I am so much more than they see.”

HEADCANONS

When Kitty graduated high school, she went off to college at UT in Austin, Texas. There, she met a boy named Danny who she fell madly in love with. He was an incredibly bad influence on her and it was a whirlwind romance that completely wrapped her up in the wrong crowd. She made mistake after mistake, falling into a life of partying rather than studying, drinking, smoking, having sex before marriage. It was, for lack of a better word, wild and she was having fun. That is, until her boyfriend videotaped them having sex one night when she wasn’t aware and it was suddenly leaked and the hot topic of the university. As she snapped back to reality and realized she’d ruined her whole life by messing around and not taking college seriously.

As more people found out about the sex tape, her world came crashing down around her. People began to call her out on her holier than thou attitude, ridiculing her and using her religion against her. Once her parents found out about her outstanding sins, they let her know they would no longer be paying for her tuition, therefore, she had no place to live and no money for college. Kitty was all alone and broken.

Kitty felt dirty and disgusted with herself- every time someone hit on her it, she just knew they had seen the tape and she felt exposed. Dirty. She hated it and yet she felt deserving. It was her fault this had happened, maybe everyone around her was right and she was just a big, fat, slut. If the world wanted a slut, she could give them a slut. Kitty began sleeping around, mainly to get things she needed- like places to stay, dinner, etc. It was like prostitution but without actually getting cash. Throwing herself at any guy that gave her that knowing look.

The summer between Kitty’s freshman and sophomore year, during the time she was sleeping around, she met a girl, Scarlett. Scarlett was a girl who didn’t care what others thought, she was rough around the edges and unapologetically herself. She’s someone who Kitty grew very close to in a short amount of time, she’s the one who showed Kitty that she could embrace the things she’d done without apologies because she’d wanted it all at one time. She’s the one who made Kitty feel human again after falling into a pit of self loathing. She taught Kitty that she could own who she was and who she is, she could take ownership of that sextape and the power it had given her and do great things with it if she chose– or she could bury it because no one could make her feel inferior without her consent. Scarlett was the first girl Kitty fell in love with, also the first girl she kissed.

Kitty moved in with Scarlett as she attempted to pay for school herself but she just couldn’t cut it so she ended up dropping out of college. She lived in her little bubble with Scarlett, falling for her the longer they were together. Once again, everything fell apart beneath her feet when Scarlett accidentally outed Kitty to a small group of friends. Kitty was angry, she hadn’t come to terms with her sexuality herself, much less was she ready for anyone else to know. As much as she tried, she wasn’t like Alex, she still cared about what some people thought, she couldn’t have a sex tape and be queer at the same time. One sin at a time. This caused a huge fight between the love bird and Kitty left, getting on a plane and showing up at her best friend’s place in New York. She only crashed with Marley long enough for her to find a job and a loft in Bushwick.

Nowadays, Kitty works as a bartender at a strip club and is just trying to find her way in the world. She’s lost and doesn’t know who she is anymore and that’s what she’s working on currently.

CONNECTIONS

GIANNA & KENT WILDE (Parents): Kitty has always done her best to follow in her parent’s footsteps. She’s followed them in their faith, she was to follow in her mother’s footsteps in going to UT Austin and taking part in one of the school’s many sororities. Unfortunately, when she got a little off track and the sex tape her boyfriend had made got out, her parents were extremely disappointed in her. They renounced her place in their church, stopped paying for her schooling, and haven’t spoken to her since. MARLEY ROSE (Best Friend): Meeting when they were in high school, Kitty felt a strange connection between her and Marley. She first treated Marley like she did any other new person in her life, especially ones she felt connected to- by bullying her. Unfortunately, she didn’t get any joy about bullying the poor doe-eyed girl and constantly found herself in a weird limbo of trying to be her friend and trying to stay true to her bad, judgmental self. Eventually, she got past her incessant need to be mean to Marley and they actually became friends. Marley became Kitty’s best friend, actually. Marley is someone Kitty can lean on and trust even when she feels she can’t trust anyone. Marley is always there. Kitty has a soft spot in her heart for Marley and she’s always struggled with what that means- whether it be sisterly or a never ending crush, she might never know. She vows, however, to never explore that in fear of losing Marley’s friendship. UNIQUE ADAMS (Best friend): Unique and Kitty have been best friends ever since high school, also. Kitty had never met anyone like Unique before and she blames her and Marley both for any soft spots she developed in her teenage years. She’s attached to Unique and if she believed in soulmates, Unique would be hers.

#Kitty Wilde #Accepted #Glee RP #Glee RPG #RP

[sweetbutpsycho97]

Blog #2 - it’s a long one. Worth the read.

My boyfriend of a year and a half.

It was a meetcute. I had just been in Canada for 6 months working. Came home 2 weeks before my 20th birthday. (In July 2017) Told my Best Friend (we will call her Shayla) that hey I’ve been single for a bit.. had a bit of fun in Canada... obviously. But I’ve been single for awhile get your boyfriend to bring friends to my birthday night out. Biggest mistake of my life.

2 weeks and now it’s my birthday weekend. She’s got 2 boys for me. I’m short and this guy was tall. Saw him for the first time ever and he sees me across the road comes over.... “wow you look beautiful” ... I punched him in the arm and went red in the face.. Shayla had done well.!That was our first encounter. We spent the night dancing and having fun. I had to kiss him because he wouldn’t do it. I went back to Shaylas house that night and slept with him.. thought that would be it but no. He wanted to pursue me. We ended up dating 2 weeks later (which was way to fast for me) but he was so different to my ex I thought hey he doesn’t seem mentally unstable. He doesn’t look like he’ll smack me if I step out of line. I’m worthy of him I promise.

I was pathetic. He said he loved me a month in. We had been together for 2 months and I moved out into a house with him. Someone who doesn’t have a car or a job. Someone I don’t know. I provided for us. I worked the full time job. He hung out at home with the boys doing car stuff. I got out a $10k loan for him to get a car. I’m still paying it off. He contributed nothing. I got out another $3k loan so he could get a drift car. To make him happy. I constantly bought him toys to please him. He was at home sad. We got a puppy. Who without my knowledge would grow to be a big ass dog... we didn’t have a backyard at this house. I got 8 loans in a year and a half. I paid them off. Because he would beg me. Then when I complained about being so so stressed about money he would say oh well I would have been okay without this or this or this... okay so why did you beg and make me feel so so awful?

He had a female friend of like 10 years. “She’s one of the boys babe.” Okay so why did you go to her house and take your shirt off around her and then leave it there. Why is she messaging you kiss faces. Why is today the first message she’s ever sent you on Facebook. Oh because you delete all your female messages. Oh because you’re shady? No of course I didn’t think any of this. I believed him. She’s just one of the boys. He didn’t send kiss faces back so that makes it okay. He went to a drifting event got shit faced and thrown from the back of a ute and was hospitalised. I had to drive 2 hours to the hospital and sit by his unconscious body for hours. When he was let out we went home and I took 2 weeks off work to care for him. So I’m paying rent, petrol, food, dog things... he still has no job. Mind you by this stage we had only been together for oh like you know maybe 3 months.

I broke up with him because I was just not feeling appreciated. He pursued me once again and his bullshit was so good we got back together but I stayed at home. I wasn’t moving out again. He moved home. Still no job. But has the car I bought him and I put the petrol in that car. We may not live together but hey he can’t ask his dad for money cause he’ll lecture my boyfriend and make him down and sad. I can’t see him down and sad. I have to buy him more things to make him happy!

I was in hospital for 2 weeks at the start of the next year (January, 2018) with a bad kidney infection. He came and saw me once for 2 hours then left. But I had to buy him things to make him happy all the time. He couldn’t be there for me when I’m in a very bad situation. But when he gets thrown from the back of a ute I drive 2 hours just to get to the hospital.

Fast forward maybe 2 months. He had a job as a car detailer. Something he claimed to love yet was somehow always really sick, or in pain or this or that. (He was eventually fired.) I was really sick vomiting couldn’t eat. It was bad. I decided to just rule everything out... do a test. Pregnant. Roughly 7 weeks. We were still living at separate houses with our parents. I FaceTimed him and asked are you with your dad? No he’s in bed. Turned the camera around showed him the test and he didn’t react. He was emotionless. Then says dads awake. Message me. Hangs ups. He asks if I want it. We didn’t talk for 2 days because he had to think..... eventually he came to my house and said he’s so excited and just had to get his head around everything but he loves me and he wants this family. I told mum and dad. They were devastated. They knew we weren’t right together. They knew how much he damaged me. But they knew if they said that to me about the father of this baby that would be it for our relationship. So they didn’t talk about it but supported me. We looked at rentals to move out. Bought things for this baby.. I miscarried at 9 weeks. We were so excited we didn’t think about the possibility I might lose it. I went down a deep rabbit hole of depression. We moved out together again but I wasn’t the same. Our relationship wasn’t the same. I wasn’t as obsessed with him. I stood up for myself more. I stopped being a little bitch being walked over but I was also being direct, aggressive, cold and it was almost like I blamed him for everything. I tried to get my life back together. My work was so supportive of me. They let me have a week off to get my head around everything. It was bad.

So 11 months and it’s my birthdays in 2 weeks. I go away with my mum for the day and I didn’t want to because I felt so sick could barely eat. We talked about my boyfriend at breakfast and I burst into tears telling her I’m so stressed I don’t think I can sit this relationship anymore It’s hurting me to much. It’s not love he just hurts me emotionally and mentally. We enjoyed the rest of the day. My mum will always be my rock. I will love her forever. I go home to my boyfriend and tell him about how great our day was but I was so sick I could barely enjoy our breakfast or lunch.. he says babe look you’ve been a bit off lately... i don’t think anything of it. That weekend we go to Shayla and her boyfriends house. We’re supposed to go out clubbing but I still felt so sick. I asked Shayla to put one of her tests in my bag and I’m going home. My boyfriend came with me and we did this together this time. I find out I’m pregnant.. it’s my 21st birthday and I’m pregnant. It was a house party and everyone was shit faced and I had to act shit faced so no one would know. I ended up miscarrying at 11 weeks. (August,2018)

We got to have a ultrasound and see our baby’s heartbeat. It fucked me up. I barely went to work anymore. I was at home being a bum with him. My work paid me as it was a mourning situation but for me I think more emotionally then logically. I was broken. I wanted my baby back more then anything. Even if it was with this bum who couldn’t keep a job but always tries to make me smile. Who has always reassured me. Who has always had my back. Who has always always said “if I’m unhappy I’ll leave. I will never cheat. I love you” .... I love you. I needed my baby. We had names picked out both times and the pregnancies were different so we just assumed that meant one was a boy and one was a girl. Ryder and Scarlett. Mummy loves you.

(November,2018) I was completely detached from my boyfriend. Losing these babies has fucked me up mentally, emotionally and physically. I couldn’t think of having sex. I couldn’t stand being kissed or touched. I’m so confused and sad. Why. Why give me these gifts and take them from me. To add onto this.... I have a message on my Facebook in that “message request” area. I hadn’t noticed until now.. oh but it was sent in August.. my bad... messages from a girl we will call Leona. With screenshots of my boyfriends tinder profile. With screenshots of their messages of him trying to organise sex. The way he spoke to her was disgusting from my perspective. She said he added her on snap and she stalked his social media after obtaining his last name because his snapchat is firstname_lastname. And that’s when she saw me. All over his social media. Oh because he’s just so dedicated to me. Apparently she asked him about me and he just blocked her on Facebook, snapchat, Instagram, tinder.. I called him and asked him and said just be upfront babe I promise if it’s true we will work through it. Just tell me the truth. He swore on our dogs lives (we have 2 now), on his dads life, on his own life.... on our babies that he would never ever cheat. “I’ve said that from day one. If I’m unhappy I’ll leave. Remember” “it’s a fake profile I promise you babe” .... I decided to believe him. We sort of started to get better. Maybe the thought of nearly losing him made me think wow I love him I don’t want that life! And we were so in love again. Couldn’t bare to be away from each other.

(February, 2019) We’re in bed together watching tv. He decides to have a nap and I decided to call our electricity company because I got a weird letter a few days prior and he said use his phone because I had run out of credit the day before. I went into our lounge room and made the call.: an hour later I’m off the phone to upstairs and he’s still asleep... all of a sudden I get an urge... I think about Leona and her words. Hey you have his phone.. she said he blocked her on everything... check his Facebook blocked list. If she’s on it ... okay no just have a look don’t work yourself up.. so in I go. Bitch is the first fucker on the list. Okay here we go.. download the tinder app on his phone use his number to log in. 6 digits sent to his phone piece of piss I have his phone. Log in with the code and there they are. Messages upon messages with girls. Asking if they’re “dtf” how old are you cunt no one says that anymore.

What is just the icing on the cake.... all the dates of these conversations... I was in bed misscarrying our second baby. I was destraught and fucked up and not wanting to be touched. He decides to get his tinder profile up and running and try get others because well... we will get there. I get all of this go upstairs wake him up from his nap calmly. Sat down on our bed in our house. My face must have said something was wrong he was sitting up and trying to hug me asking what’s wrong I told him not to touch me. I asked “what do you consider cheating” and his face changed to confusion and said “just talking to someone else. Why... have you...” his eyes went to my hands and he saw his phone in my hands.. I threw it at him he unlocked it and I had tinder open. He saw it all and he tried to get mad and ask why I went through it. But he knew that approach would get no where. Our house mate and best friend (we will call him Jose) got home half an hour later after I had been screaming and crying at him. I ran downstairs and had already previously told him about this girl messaging me.. I told him oh yeah it was all true back upstairs I go and down goes my boyfriend to try and justify and explain himself to Jose. All I hear Jose say “you are a fucking idiot. You’ve ruined the best thing going for you” my boyfriend came back upstairs and I told him to get the fuck out whilst I packed. He tried to say “so what this is it? You’re giving up on us”...... Jose took him away or I would have lost the last thread of myself and attacked him. They left my mum came up and helped me move home. I took our cat with me. I couldn’t take my dogs. I miss them like crazy.

#lost #cheating #confused #fool #delusional #sadgirl

[theblondegoesabroad]

Day 91 and 92

Monday 19th August and Tuesday 20th August 2019

The last few days have consisted of a heap of travelling. The not so fun kind. For Jamie, it was thousands of kms in a plane and for Benoit and I, it was about the same amount of kms by car – well it felt like it. We arrived in our respective homes at around the same time which is absolutely crazy. I for one am 100% over driving, I don’t think I have driven for that long before in my life (because Benoit needed to study I was the driver from Madrid to Home) and no longer want to even look at the car for at least a few days! It was hard dropping Jamie off at the airport, it was so cool to have him in this hemisphere with me and I am going to miss him and his crazy energy a lot!

Here are some numbers; 6555km driven, 5700 euros spent, 2716 photos taken by yours truely, 666 times Jamie described something as ‘sick as fuck’ – which rapidly declined when we started calling him out on it, 510km walked – each!, 350 incredible tunnels driven through, 210L of water drunk, 130 flights of steps climbed – each!, 101 aperol spritz’s drunk, 99 times that we listened to our unofficial roadtrip song, 50 photos that Jamie probably took, 30 incredible days, 21 years old - the birthday present that got this thing started, 18 incredible destinations we stayed at, 11 hours of me singing on the way back to Belgium, 7 pairs of sunglasses bought (2 lost – both by Benoit), 6 countries visited, 5 languages ‘used’,  4 Toyota Hilux utes spotted, 3 now tanned humans, 2 minor collisions* and 1 promise – to do it all again as soon as we can.

Here’s what I can’t quantify; the constant smiles on our faces, the laughs we had, the incredible amount of bad jokes, the amazement of what we saw each day, the excitement that was absolutely fizzing through Jamie at every new destination we saw, the strengthen bond between us all and the memories that we will have from now on. I won’t go over everything we did and every place we stopped because after what we saw, it would take way too much time and hopefully you have already read about it on the previous blogs. But to sum it up; we had the experience of a lifetime. Three best friends travel Europe on a summer roadtrip. Sounds like a synopsis of an average American movie (that I (and Jamie) would probably watch)! But it was. It was a dream. It was an unforgettable experience. It was exquisite.

I like to think we have seen some pretty incredible things. I asked the boys for their highlights of the trip. Benoits main highlight was our night we spent camping in the beautiful Switzerland, we had the perfect set up, hammocks, a view and some beers. The tiny streets of the swiss towns (one that was like a 45 degree angle, one way and only just big enough for us to fit through), the incredible views we got driving through the swiss alps, the mountains, the fresh air and the overall cleanliness of Switzerland. Another was the open-air concert we went to in Norcia, Italy, our favourite band, hardly any people there, 2m from the stage, the sun setting behind them and a vibe like no other. Plus it was cheap as chips!

For Jamie; he had a few. Which is good news. Some that were up there was the view we got of Paris when we were exhausted after a day of walking around, we climbed for what felt like hours up to the Sacre Coeur and got the incredible view from the top; it was rewarding and breathtaking. Another was seeing Gaudi’s works, the incredible architecture of the Sagrada Familia, which makes you marvel the building and feel incredibly humbled. But for him, the main one was the excitement of arriving in Europe, walking through the airport gates, a goofy grin (probably some relief that he got on the right plane) and seeing Benoit and I, the promise of an amazing month to come, the unimaginable reality that was about to happen, ‘the moment before it all starts’.

For me, it’s difficult to pinpoint a highlight, I have so many good memories, I feel so lucky to have experienced all of them with my two favourite boys. It was honestly incredible to share it with them. I loved Italy, the history, the small towns, the landscapes, the fiats but I have always loved Italy so that was not a surprise. I also loved the food in Italy, I don’t think I have eaten so much gelato and pizza in my life and I am completely happy about that. But if I really had to choose, I think it would be when we stopped in Reims, found the place that Mum, Dad and I went to get dinner and a despos at and did the same. In the moment, we were hot, sweaty, tired, sick of driving and still needing to get to Paris, really just needing a large glass of ice water but looking back it was a full-circle moment, and pretty special. I was there five years ago with Mum and Dad and now again with Jamie and Benoit, having a despos seeing how much has changed. How much I have changed. And how cool it was to share that moment with Jamie. After all – travel is the only thing that costs money but actually makes you richer – and possibly slightly heavier thanks to Italy.

Here I would also like to thank everyone that made this ‘trip’**possible.

Firstly for getting Jamie over here, for me, it started off as an idea that I thought would put me into the best sister in the world books for the rest of my life, but I never could have dreamed of how much better it was than that initial idea. In my opinion, we have succeeded. We were able to show Jamie how much the world has to offer, how much more there is to see and how there is so much more to look forward to. If only you all could see him and the big grin that was permanently pasted on his face that makes you want a some of whatever he is on! For me it was probably one of my highlights of the trip, seeing him so happy again. So thank you, to Mum and Dad, Gran and Deeda, Jo, Nico and Jt, Nan, Grant and Jill and of course, Benoit and myself. You all contributed to a bloody good cause and I was lucky enough to benefit from it too! Now its his job to fill you all in, answer your million questions, show you all the photos and to thank you all individually for helping him have a pretty amazing time.

Secondly to all the amazing people that opened their homes to us, who shared with us their corner of paradise, their family and showed us more than we would have seen alone. We are so incredibly grateful to the homes that were opened up to us without question. So without further a due; thank you to Joelle and Paul who hosted us for Jamie’s first weekend in Europe (and who continue to host me), seeing Liege with Benoits family who Jamie and I both feel very close to was magical and we wished for more time with them. I think that was my only planning error, we all wished for more time with each other. But never the less we had an amazing weekend, a famous pizza party, and a climbing session; so a rather good introduction to Benoits family life. Thank you to Joelle and Paul and Pauls brothers (Marc and Benoit) for letting us stay at Stavelot. An incredible house where we watched an amazing sunset and Jamie discovered the pleasures of Belgium beer with Benoits friends who made the effort to come out to see us. Thank you to the LeBouc’s (Marie’s lovely family) who welcomed us into their home with open arms, just like they did when Mum and Dad came to visit me five years ago. I will forever be grateful to Rotary for connecting our families. Thank you to Vincent Henry and his wife for hosting us at Saint Lion in the south of France for two nights, sharing with us their slice of mountaineering paradise, their love of nature, wine, honey and fried courgette flowers. Thank you to Marc Henry at Goussargues for letting us use his holiday home as a base for a few days and even giving us a welcome cocktail – spritz! We still miss that incredible pool. And thanks to Daphne (his daughter) who let us crash her time there with her friends. Thank you to Denis and Isa at Carcassone for having us for one incredible night where we felt like prised guests rather than gate crashers after the amazing reception dinner we received. And last but not least Eric – the partner of Murielle (Benoit’s aunt) who hosted Benoit and I on our very big journey back home. To all the above, thanks again and I hope one day we can return the favour.

I am at a loss of words to how to sum this up. How to write the final (for now) “Jamie in Europe” blog post. I kind of just want to rewind about a month and do it all again. So instead of me finishing it up, I shall rely on a literacy genius, someone well known for his way with words and simply say that was ‘sick as fuck’. Love Kate xxxxx

*one by me -someone reversed into us at a queue when I was driving, one by Benoit – he backed into a pole.

** Trip is a word I truly dislike, it is so small, it hasn’t got any presence about it and it definitely doesn’t get close to describing the amazing month of travel that you just experienced, the things you saw, what really affected you, how you felt. None of that fits into the word ‘trip’. A ‘trip’ is going to Auckland and back, not a mind-opening month of travels! Anyway, rant over and I shall endeavour to find a better word.

[torontoseoulcialite]

Next Stop: Reykjavik

Can you believe I made it to Osaka, Shanghai, Bangkok, Phuket, Chiang Mai, Taipei, Tokyo, Kuala Lumpur, Singapore, Kota Kinabalu, Bali,  Orlando, and Korea (duh!) over the past 3 years? When I was in Korea, all I wanted was to escape the freezing temperatures and fly to warmer climates. Now that I’m in Canada, I’m eyeing Europe – particularly the Nordic countries! While I only just started my “new” job in August, I’ve already earned enough vacation days to take a little trip. Hello – dream job! If you’ve been following along on social media, you’ll know that I just got back from Reykjavik, Iceland. With Wow Air flights this cheap, I couldn’t not go!

Toronto – Reykjavik

First things first – my flight to Reykjavik’s Keflavik International Airport was an absolute steal. I’m not fussed over having luxuries like in-flight entertainment or 5-star dining. Let’s be real – I flew Air Asia practically everywhere. I flew Wow Air and paid $235.92 CAD for my round-trip flight from Toronto to Reykjavik. This price was inclusive of HST, Airport Improvement Fee, Air Travelers’ Security Charge, ZU passenger fee, and IS Airport service charge).

Once I arrived in Reykjavik, I booked an Airport Direct shuttle from the airport to the Blue Lagoon at 7:30 AM. My total transfers from the airport to Blue Lagoon and then along to my hostel came to a total of ISK 5,500 ($58.35 CAD). Not exactly a steal, but a great option when things in Reykjavik can be quite pricy.

I decided to ball out at the Blue Lagoon and treat myself to the Premium experience:

Entrance to the Blue Lagoon

Silica mud mask

Use of towel

1st drink of your choice

Second mask of choice

Slippers

Use of bathrobe

Table reservation at Lava Restaurant 

Sparkling wine when dining

From ISK 9 900 ($105 CAD)

The Lamb fillet and shoulder of lamb: Rutabaga, carrots, rhubarb, thyme set me back ISK 4 900 ($51.97 CAD). It’s a once in a lifetime event and I wanted to enjoy every second, but honestly? Not worth it to get the premium – don’t bother with the crappy food at Lava. It’s plated beautifully but lacks any sort of flavour whatsoever. Save your ISK and just get the comfort package. The only extras you get are flip flops, a robe, and an algae mask.

The lagoon itself is gorgeous and relaxing. I didn’t indulge in the spa treatments, but the silica mask you get leaves your face and shoulders feeling baby soft. Heed warning about your hair, though. I thought that covering it in conditioner would be enough, but my hair was a wreck. Trying to pull a comb through it was incredible painful wet or dry, and it lasted for days. Heed the advice of other bloggers and put your hair up in a bun!

Arctic Adventures – Iceland’s South Coast

4 days in Iceland is plenty to scratch the surface. I can’t imagine how many gorgeous places there are to discover. If you’re like me and have limited vacation days, Reykjavik is a great adventure destination even if just for a few days away! Over the course of 10 hours on an Arctic Adventures minibus, we got through the tight schedule of:

Skógafoss Waterfall

Seljalandsfoss Waterfall

Sólheimajökull Glacier

Reynisfjara Black Sand Beach

Reynisdrangar Basalt Sea Stacks

Vík in Mýrdalur

Included

Pick-up & drop off from Reykjavík

Guided Visit to South Shore Highlights

English Speaking Tour Guide

Free WiFi on Board Your Bus

Seljalandsfoss

Well, ladies and gentlemen, I went chasing waterfalls in Iceland.  I climbed icy rocks to step behind Seljalandsfoss and make my wish. I couldn’t find any evidence of Icelandic folklore to support the idea of making a wish behind the falls, but I had on my trusty HBC boots, my Columbia snowsuit, and propensity for mischief, so behind Seljalandsfoss I went. Can you guess what I wished for? Hint – it wasn’t surviving the climb up out and down the other side!

Skogafoss

Skogafoss waterfall (by the way – that’s redundant as “foss” means “waterfall”) was certainly safer than Seljalandsfoss! To get up to the top and get an aerial view of the falls, you can walk up some stairs. It takes about 5 minutes – the record is 3 minutes, apparently. Legend has it that there was once a treasure chest buried at Skogafoss and those trying to reach it would experience delusions.  You can read all about it here. I’m sure glad that my wishes come from the heart, and not for the wallet!

Reynisfjara

The iconic black sand beaches and basalt sea stack formations featured in “Game of Thrones” are found at Reynisfjara. There are a few legends as to how the stacks were formed. One involves  two trolls dragging a three-masted ship into land and failing. The other is of a free-spirited woman pulled away from her husband by the trolls, destined to spend eternity among the rocks and sea. As stunning as the landscape of Iceland is, I’m sure it would be even more breathtaking with a partner. I felt incredibly calm, but especially lonely at this beach as a solo traveler.

Vik

When I told people that I was visiting Iceland, they told me I absolutely had to go to Vik i Myrdal. I certainly wanted to see the iconic church (Reyniskirkja), but beyond that I wasn’t sure. We only stopped here for a quick view of Reynisfjara and the town of Vik, then we were on the bus and headed for a 3 PM “lunch”. The food in Iceland is already incredibly expensive, so imagine being in a town where a truck stop is your only option for food on the tour. I think I paid $25 for the crappiest, tiniest curry ever. Stick to the hot dogs and burgers, when available. They won’t be cheap either, but at least they’re dependable! I was surprised that in a country like Iceland their fish would be frozen, square, deep fried pucks. Bring food with you on the tour, for sure!

Aurora Borealis: The Northern Lights

If you really want great images you must really know how to use your camera and have a much better tripod than I did. Also – avoid these huge tour groups. They’re big ole money grabs. We were taken an hour in one direction to a chalet where we were expected to buy drinks and souvenirs. The lines were insanely long and it was just pretty uncomfortable. Then, we were brought back in the direction of Reykjavik and further down to the South Coast to a small area near a very brightly lit church. It was very hilly and quite windy – not ideal for a tripod and camera. With drunken idiots stumbling in front of your tripod trying to see the lights through your lens and littering water bottles full of vodka, we were incredibly lucky to actually see the lights dance! This is what it actually looks like chasing the Northern Lights with a tour group. 

Photos from my Samsung S9 – I was pretty impressed with the image quality they were able to produce: 

Food and Drink in Iceland

Since food and drinks are so expensive in Iceland, your absolute best is to stock up on vodka or even champagne when you get off the plane. Drinks at bars in Reykjavik will cost about $7 – $10 during “Happy Hour” (very common in Reykjavik due to the obscene prices) and $10 – $20 otherwise. Most people who have visited ask me if I survived on hot dogs. I must admit, I ate a couple as moderately cheap sustenance! I took myself out on my first night and a bowl of olives and a pint cost me $20. i suggest you pre-drink at your hotel or even get an AirBnB so you can cook. “Bonus” is the cheapest grocery store around, I’ve been told. Liquor stores are closed on Sundays, so prepare in advance. People in Iceland leave to go out quite late at night, too.

Last Day in Reykjavik

On my last day in Reykjavik I rounded out some of my other bucket list goals. I visited Perlan – Wonders of Iceland. I walked around the city getting great views of Hallgrimskirkja, the iconic Catholic church in Iceland’s capital city. On the way back to my hostel in Hlemmur Square, I saw an incredible mid-afternoon sunset behind the Sun Voyager.

Perlan – Wonders of Iceland is a museum which will really need a post all to itself. The incredible architecture makes way for a 360 observation deck, and since it’s up on a hill you get a phenomenal view of the city, the glacier, and the water. Ut i Blainn, the restaurant inside Perlan’s dome, was another example of overpriced food (better than Lava, however) and piss poor service, but the ambiance was nice and it was a good way to relax before making my way through the impressive exhibits and the brand new planetarium.

Reykjavik for Romance

Iceland is a wonderful place especially for couples and especially around Christmas. It’s an inexpensive flight from Toronto, you can get pretty good deals on AirBnB’s, and there are plenty of ways to relax together or get an adrenaline rush. I would absolutely suggest heading over even if you, like me, only have a few days to get away! Absolutely DO go chasing waterfalls. Let me know if you head to Seljalandsfoss and we can compare notes on waterfall wishes, too – I hope they come true ❤

Have you been to Iceland? Where was your favourite place to visit? Let me know in the comments!

      The Perfect Stopover in Reykjavik, Iceland! Next Stop: Reykjavik Can you believe I made it to Osaka, Shanghai, Bangkok, …

#Arctic Adventure #Aurora Borealis #Basalt Sea Stacks #Black Sand Beach #Game of Thrones #Glacier #Iceland #Museum #Northern Lights #Perlan #Perlan Wonders of Iceland #Renisfjara #Reykjavik #Reynisdrangar #Seljalandsfoss #Skogafoss #Solheimajokull #Sun Voyager #Ut i Blainn #Vik #Wow Air

[stephhannes]

mejorar

i’ve always wanted to be better. to do better. to get better.

i’ve spent a huge chunk of my life skating by on the thinnest of ice. i did the bare minimum in high school. i graduated in the middle of my class, got the lowest SAT score that UT accepts and didn’t re-take the test because that was “good enough,” and i did one extracurricular. when i went to college, i didn’t join any clubs, i didn’t make any friends, my entire mantra was “c’s get degrees.” i’ve been able to get away with being mediocre for my entire life with no major issues to come from it. i’ve been a jack of all trades, master of none for the last 23 years. and honestly, this didn’t bother me. getting by has always been good enough for me.

and then came in nathan. i did the bare minimum in everything else, except when it came to him. in high school i worked so hard to be a good friend, to love him even when he made it nearly impossible to do it. each time we lost touch during college, i worked to mend the relationship as best as i could. when we started dating, i put in more work than i had ever imagined possible for my mediocre self.

i wanted to be better. 

in the past, i’d been a goblin to deal with. on some days, i was still a goblin. but every day i tried my hardest to be the best version of myself. some days were harder than others. some days all i wanted to do was push him away and be an inconsolable monster- but i always made a conscious effort to fight against my instincts, to be better than who i was 7 years ago. in the vows i had written to say at our wedding, which i ended up having to say in a eulogy instead, the most important part was “today i give you my word that until death do us part i promise i will continually try to be better- to be a better partner, to be better at leaning on you” the ‘leaning on you,’ part being the biggest thing i had to work on.

once upon a time, nathan said to me- “you’ve never needed me for anything,” and i can see why he’d think that. i have a hard time relinquishing control, i have a hard time being any less than incredibly independent. for awhile i refused to let nathan help me, and this was something that bothered him so much. for example, let’s say i had four tasks to complete and they were all very important and pressing. instead of being like “hey can you please do two of these things for me,” i’d just be incredibly stressed and freak out excessively until i managed to get all four tasks done. nathan was exhausted by watching me always running around like a chicken with its head cut off, and eventually, after him begging me constantly to just let him help, i finally started letting him help. lo and behold, my life was a million times easier. i still struggled to ask for help when i needed it, but now when he offered, i wouldn’t immediately turn him down. this was something that was always such a work-in-progress, and i took my sweet time warming up to the concept of letting him take some of the weight off my shoulders, mostly because i thought i had all the time in the world. looking back, obviously i wish i would have just immediately let him take care of me instead of easing into it, but also looking back, we made so much progress with this issue over the last 6 months or so of our relationship. i think it worried nathan how much he depended on me, and how it seemed like i was less dependent but now every day i realize more and more just how much i needed him in my life. i remember once, during our long-distance year, nathan was having a particularly hard time being apart, he had been asking me to call him more frequently, we were spending as much time talking to each other as our schedules would allow, and at one point he said- “there’s always one person who needs the other one more in a relationship, and for once, it’s me this time. i just don’t want you to think i’m too needy.” but that thought had never once crossed my mind, i actually don’t think i even truly realized how ‘needy’ he was until fairly recently. it wasn’t that he needed me more, or that i didn’t necessarily need him, it’s just that i was always less vocal about it. while he would text me to tell me he missed me almost every day when i’d been at work for a few hours, or just straight up say the words “hey i need you a lot” to me, i was a lot quieter in that regard. what he needed from me and what i needed from him were two completely different things. i needed his encouragement, i needed him to support me, to listen to me complain for hours about something dumb, to push me to be better. those are things that are a little harder to ask for directly. i wish that i had asked him to do more for me, less for my own peace of mind, but more for his- all he wanted to do was help me in whatever way he could, i wish i would have asked for more help. like i said, toward the end of our relationship, i got a lot better about asking for help- i just wish i would have done it sooner because of how important that was to him.

i wanted to do better. i never had a problem with being mediocre until nathan was in my life. partially because he was so good at everything he did, but mostly because he refused to let me settle for mediocre. at first, it felt harsh to hear him criticize the way that i settled for mediocre. he would get so frustrated seeing me not work as hard as i could have, seeing me not actually do things to my full potential. he fell in love with me because he saw the best of me, he knew what i was capable of doing when i actually tried, and any time i slacked, he was right there to give me a slap on the wrist to do better. i needed him to push me, because otherwise i would have never accomplished anything. he was always encouraging me to do more at work, take more shifts, try for promotions. he encouraged me to read more, and subsequently write more. after awhile, i stopped needing as much of a heavy hand in the encouragement department, and i started to take more agency over my own life.

i wanted to get better. as jack antonoff once said in bleachers’ hit song ‘i wanna get better,’ “i wanna get better.” i’m terrible at taking care of myself. i am terrible at doing things to set myself up for success. i don’t exercise, i don’t drink enough water, i don’t go outside very often. so as you can imagine, my depression is really thriving. most days when we lived in new york, i could get out of bed, make myself breakfast, go to work. but there were some days, where nathan would have to come into the bedroom, open the blinds, and force me to get out of bed either to shower or to go to the grocery store, or do something productive because if he didn’t force me to do it, i could have gone weeks without doing any of those things. my depression ebbed and flowed when we lived in new york, and most days were good, but nathan really had to teach me how to take care of myself. some days i would get so angry with him for suggesting that i wasn’t actually depressed, that i just needed to exercise more, but then i realized that he wasn’t completely wrong, i did feel a lot better if i moved my body for at least a little bit every day. when we moved to philly, everything took a turn for the worse. my mental health had literally never been more terrible. and i was trying really hard to not feel terrible, but it was hard. i was depressed when we lived in new york, but at least i had friends, and a job that got me out of the house every day and at least nathan was at home most of the time so we spent a lot of time together. when we moved, i was at home by myself most of the time. i didn’t have friends, i only worked like 7 hours a week at a place that i hated, and nathan was at work for most of the day, and then when he was home, he usually went to bed pretty early and we didn’t get to spend weekends together because that was when i worked so we didn’t see each other that often. i finally cracked. about a week before nathan died, i finally was just like “i am miserable and i need help and i don’t know if that’s therapy or medication or what but i cannot do this anymore i am so miserable all of the time,” and of course nathan was immediately like ok we’ll figure this out. after this discussion, i went to visit some friends that were in pennsylvania a couple of hours away, and i came back from that small vacation feeling a million times better. i came back ready to get my life back under control. ironically enough, the day that i made a huge change in trying to advocate for my own mental health and try to help myself was the same day that nathan died. that day, i woke up at 9am, went to a meeting at work, got groceries for us, got a library card and checked out books, came home, did a workout tape while nathan was at the gym, cooked dinner that wasn’t just a bunch of frozen trash, and read a book. nathan was so incredibly proud of what i was doing. then he died and now i feel like i’m back to square one.

the moral of the story is that over the last two years of our relationship, nathan has made me a better person in so many ways. he’s pushed me to do more, to be more, to be better. i’ve grown up a lot and it’s crazy to see how different i am from who i was before all of this. i’ve learned a lot in the last couple of months. like any sort of life event, everything is just experience. and i have experienced so much since august. the only thing i can do is try to take life lessons from this and be better. but i can’t shake this looming feeling of disgust.

it feels gross to know that one day somewhere down the line, i’m going to be better for someone that isn’t nathan. all i’ve ever wanted was to be a better friend/partner to nathan. everything i’ve done was to be better in our relationship. but one day i will be better at being in a relationship with, and taking care of and loving someone that isn’t nathan. i never planned on this being a ‘thank u, next’ kind of relationship, but that’s what it is. i hate this. 

[simpleandrea]

2018

Hello 2018! Before anything else I would like to Thank 2017 for being one of the most memorable year. This is regarding my family, my education, friends and myself. I want to thank god for keeping my family and friends safe, healthy and happy and wish that for the days and years ahead. This year I was challenged in school as always but I managed to get through it even if there were times that I felt like it was the end of yhe world. Up to this day I still question myself if I can really make it through my course but I really hope I do. I know I got a lot of people counting on me so I need to keep on pushing myself to make it. My friends made me feel like I still belonged even if they were from elementary, middle school, high school and even now in college. Thankful for the wonderful people in my life.

One major thing this year was that I felt like I became more independent mostly towards the end of the year. I have been making a lot of changes and decisions for myself like I would have never thought before. I was open to anything and I tried a lot of different things which was crazy for me. All my life I depended on people even if it was just ordering or getting a ride home. This year I don’t know what happened but I got the courage to be independent when it came to doing things. This was mostly on improving myself.

The year started with me in LA flying to Manila on New Year’s Day. Lol Love was in the air lol because A few days later I said yes to a guy who has been a friend for a while but it’s just too complicated but we did had our moments before even if we’ve only me in person once in the last 3 year lol. Crazy huh? The towards the middle of the year I decided to lose weight because I was tired of all the name calling and negative comments of people as well as for myself. I was tired of feeling bad because everyone just see me as my weight but not the person I am inside but wheat can I do that’s the stereotype we grew up with. In August I ordered a meal plan for a week just to try ut out of nowhere I just found it in one of my social media accounts and it was not good at first but I got use to it. Then I did that for a whole month. Then stopped and in October I got the nerve to enroll myself to a gym and since then I’ve been doing good. I have been going at 2-4 times week if I don’t have school or during my break. With that I learned to go to the mall on my own, go shopping and walk around. I also made new friends in the gym and got closer to people that I already knew which was pretty amazing because now from having no support system I build my own. It was a great feeling. I know that theses next few months I’ll be busy and not be able to go to the gym as much anytime but I’ll still try. I want to continue this journey. For my family and friends and the haters out there but mostly for Myself. I am my biggest enemy and motivation at the same time. With that said None of these my family knew and I only told my boyfriend last month because he was wondering why Was I always not home 😂 . Only a couple of friends and people I lived with knows about this journey of mine. I decided it to he like that became one thing I hate is expectations and I hate putting down people because I know they will like you are already going to gym and all that why are you still fat, you should lose weight and stuff. I’m tired of it I grew up with these word from the neighbors and friends and especially my family. It was painful and I cried most of the time but I tried losing weight So many times but it was not working. For those people who has said something to me. I want you to know I tried... I really did. I hope soon I can make you shut up or at least be happy for the way I am. No more negativity because it’s really painful. This journey goes to 2018 and I hope the I will not gain back the 24 pounds that I’ve lost. Lol

The year of 2017 was full of decisions for myself. It was not done because of other people it was done become I felt like courage over powered my fears and that I know what I’m capable off. When to keep going and when to give up. It was time for me to learn and great up. I’m sorry if I had all these secrets to my family from getting a boyfriend to trying to lose weight. I was just scared of the reaction that i’ll get became I know there are a lot of doubts and discouragement and I didn’t want that at the moment. Don’t get me wrong I love my family to death but it was just better for me to slowly introduce them to my boyfriend ome by one and I’d rathe let them see it for themselves when I do lose some weight. I just don’t want any disappointments.

This is getting way too long. Again, 2017 thank you for love, courage, and support. I am thankful that I have a loving family who is always there for me. Friends that I can always count on. Especially in school because theh do really keep me going. For my friends back home I have so muh love for you all you know that. A boyfriend who loves me, who helped me to Love myself and be there for me unconditionally. I am just happy that I am surrounded with wonderful people. I am truly blessed. I learned a lot. I learned to love. I learned to love myself. I learned to be independent. I learned to be the bigger person. I learned to forgive. I was crushed but I got up *school*. I grew a little. I survived. 😭😔😩😊❤️

I hope that this 2018 will be good to us. Please guide us and continue to take care of my family and friends. ❤️