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fangirlwriting-stories · 1 year

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You Had to Be There to Get It

Summay: Thomas knows that he sometimes relates to different sides for different reasons, but this situation is a new one.

...

Fine, Thomas would admit it. Therapy was a good idea that he definitely should have tried sooner. Sure, it was uncomfortable at first, when they were getting to know each other, but Emile was an excellent choice and Thomas clicked with him really well, and he started realizing some things as they talked.

He probably was too hard on himself, for one. He needed to sit and let himself be sometimes instead of constantly trying to be the best person he possibly could. He definitely had some issues with trying to make creative ideas too perfect and good and pure (Thomas could still feel Roman’s cathartic ache from that realization, and Remus’ vindication). He was really bad at not knowing, and sometimes he had to sit in the uncertainty (Logan hadn’t liked that one, but he’d felt Patton’s relief). And a recent realization as to how much growing up where and how he did had actually affected him. Turns out being a gay catholic kid growing up in Florida in the 90s can have a tendency to make a kid feel a bit unwanted. Who knew?

Thomas had a feeling he was going to be unpacking his feelings around that one for a while, especially considering it even started in a surprising place.

“I don’t understand,” Logan said as they walked back into Thomas’ apartment. He had been talking about it the entire way home, and Thomas honestly didn’t quite understand why. He thought the issue had been pretty settled in therapy, and for once, he didn’t quite get where Logan was coming from.

“That time of your life was so long ago,” Logan said. “You have supportive friends and family now, you have a relatively stable career, you’re comfortable with who you are. Why would that still be having such an impact on you?”

“It’s childhood, Lo,” Virgil mumbled, though for some reason he wasn’t meeting Logan’s eyes. “It kind of affects you for the rest of your life, doesn’t it?”

“Yeah, but I’m kind of with Teach on this one,” Roman said. “As much as I loathe to admit it. Yes, Thomas was a very repressed kid, but aren’t we past that now? I mean, you’re not closeted anymore. You can’t be trying to tell me you want to be.”

“No,” Thomas said, closing and locking the door behind him. “But Roman, it was— it was very hard for me. Okay? You know that, don’t you? You were there.”

“Yes, obviously it was,” Roman said. “But still. That was a long time ago.”

“It was,” Patton agreed. “But that doesn’t mean Thomas can’t still be upset about it, even if it doesn’t seem to make sense. Besides, repressing our feelings hasn’t really gone well in the past, remember?”

“But these feelings don’t make any sense,” Logan sighed, adjusting his glasses. “Yes, Thomas had a difficult time feeling unwanted as a child. We all know this, we were all there. But we’ve moved past that now. And honestly, it wasn’t really that bad, was it?”

“Easy for you all to say,” Virgil snapped suddenly, glaring over at all of them. They gave him a surprised look back, and Thomas, despite himself, did the same.

“Virge?” he said. “You okay?”

Virgil glared away and grumbled something.

“What was that?” Thomas asked.

“I said they don’t get it,” Virgil said, glaring back at him. “It’s not— oh, nevermind. They still won’t get it.”

“What are you talking about?” Roman said. “Of course we get it. We were there?”

“No you weren’t,” Virgil said, crossing his arms. “He was.” He nods at Thomas.

All of them looked at Virgil for a second, and Thomas found himself doing the same, not quite sure what Virgil was getting at.

“Virgil,” Logan said, giving him a baffled look. “We are all part of him. Have you somehow forgotten this?”

Virgil, however, just looked at Thomas. “See?” he said, like they were both in on something. “Told you they wouldn’t get it.”

Thomas blinked at him. “I… I don’t get it either, Virgil,” he admitted hesitantly.

“Virgey’s tryin’ to say,” came a sudden voice, and Thomas felt elbows suddenly leaning on his forehead before Remus leaned upside down into his face. “That they’ve never been unwanted.”

“Did you miss the part where I just explained that we’re all part of Thomas?” Logan said with a sigh.

“Yes, but Thomas isn’t part of Thomas,” came Janus’ voice, and all of them looked over to find him on the couch.

Remus brightened at his appearance, and bounded over to flop back on top of him instead, which at least freed Thomas’ head from his elbows.

Logan threw his hands up. “And you people wonder why I find it difficult to speak with you,” he said. “‘Thomas isn’t part of Thomas?’ What in the world does that even mean?”

“He means,” Virgil snapped, and Thomas turned to him again, more than a little surprised to find Virgil defending Janus. “That Thomas always wanted you. So no, Logan, none of you get what it feels like to be an outcast.”

Thomas’ eyes widened as it finally clicked what Virgil was saying, and he looked between him and Remus and Janus. Janus was currently in the process of moving Remus off of his lap, but Remus was looking right at Thomas, surprisingly not smiling.

“That’s ridiculous,” Roman scoffed. “We all have Thomas’ experience. We remembered what happened. We know what it’s like.”

“Oh you know what it’s like?” Remus said, sitting up off of Janus himself, though he still flopped back on the couch as he crossed his arms. “You ever sit up at night wondering why no one seems to like you, why you don’t have any friends? You ever wonder why the things you do seem to be just a little too weird, just a little too off for them to be acceptable? You ever look around at everyone else going on with their happy childhoods, knowing with certainty they’re cared for by the people around them, and wonder what you’re doing wrong? Why don’t you get to have that? What’s different about you? Why is it fair that they don’t want you around? You know what, you say to yourself, if they don’t want you, you don’t want them either. What’s so great about them? You’re going to be weird and own it! Maybe you decide to join a counterculture, have an emo phase,” he gestured at Virgil who glared at him but then looked away without denying it, “try and go where all the other misfits are, because clearly you’re not wanted anywhere else. You ever feel that overwhelming relief when you finally find someone who likes you for you, wants you because you’re weird? Ever have to fight the instinct to hang on to that person for dear life, because you don’t know if they want you as badly as you want them, and if they don’t and you drive them away by being desperate you’re going to hate yourself because then you will have nothing and no one and this time it will be all your fault? Ever have to spend time after time after time reassuring yourself that this time it’s real, that these people want you around, and still not be sure, even after, say, a decade and a half of being an adult and actually having friends that want you?”

Remus spread his arms with a wide grin as all of them stared at him. “Because I have!” he said. “And Janus has and Virgil has!” Then he pointed over at Thomas, who was pretty sure he was breaking a little inside. “And Thomas has,” he said. “Have you? Mr. Golden Boy? Mr. Suburban Dad? Mr. Respectable Teacher?”

“I,” Thomas said, before any of the others could say something. Remus and Janus and Virgil all turned to look at him.

“I really made you guys feel like that too?” he asked, because Remus had just hit the emotion that he’d been feeling and that none of his core sides had been able to articulate square on the head.

“It’s okay, Thomas,” Janus said instantly, sitting up.

“Says my Deceit,” Thomas said, looking at him, and Janus swallowed but didn’t say anything else.

Thomas reached out and took Virgil gently by the arm, and then pulled him over towards the couch, where he sat down on the other side of Remus and pulled all three of them into a hug.

“I’m sorry,” Thomas said, looking around at all of them.

There was a moment where none of them said anything.

“S’okay,” Remus said finally, and Thomas got the sense that he was closer to meaning it. “Wouldn’t want to be anyone else.”

Thomas gave him a small smile. “Me too,” he said, and Remus beamed at him.

“Good,” Remus said. “‘Cause I’ve been trying to get you to give less fucks for years. It’s not so bad, remember?”

Thomas smiled a little wider. “Yeah,” he said, because even though Logan had said the same thing, Remus clearly meant it from a very different place, and Thomas liked that place better.

“The world fucks everyone up,” Virgil muttered, and Thomas glanced down at him. “Either you’re never wanted or you’re terrified of losing it when you are or you’re an entitled prick that makes people feel unwanted in the first place.”

“Yes, those are in fact the only three options,” Janus said, rolling his eyes.

“They are when you’re a gay Catholic kid growing up in Florida in the 90s,” Virgil said.

Janus smiled a little. “Or the repressed survival instincts of a person’s subconscious,” he said.

“I’d rather make a new option,” Thomas said, and Janus looked back over at him. “Wanna help?”

Janus smiled a little wider. “Sounds dreadful,” he said.

The four of them sat there for another minute, and then Thomas glanced up at Patton Roman and Logan, all of whom were standing across the room looking a little lost.

“It’s okay if you want to join the hug anyway,” Thomas said. “You don’t have to get it.”

Another second passed, and then Patton smiled a little and walked forward to sit on Janus’ other side, followed hesitantly by Roman, who took Virgil’s other side, and Logan, who walked over and stood nearby until Roman pulled him down.

Thomas stayed in between Virgil and Remus and Janus, however, because he was pretty sure the three of them did understand when something wasn’t for them for the moment, and Thomas wanted to get as close as he could to hugging his inner child, that lost little kid version of himself.

And maybe it was high time he gave that same inner child a little more grace.

#sanders sides #character thomas sanders #virgil sanders #remus sanders #janus sanders #logan sanders #patton sanders #roman sanders #platonic thvi #platonic dukemas #platonic thomceit #my fic

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