#those terrified me and definitely influenced how I wrote this post

[dulcetash]

In Which I Claw Off My Blinders So That I May Examine Them

So, I’ve been having a high old time with Dracula Daily, and I’m learning fascinating new things along the way.  A dear friend shared how formative Jonathan Harker’s May 16th entry in Dracula had been for her from earliest memory, in response to my reblog of this post, wherein I’d encountered an enlightening, new-to-me definition of “swoon.”

Her words led me to confront something about myself that has been creeping around the edges of my brain for awhile.  I’m truly bothered by my lack of awareness and lack of-, of impressionability, in my own youth, to this kind of formative influence.  To put it bluntly, I am a basic, basic bitch.

I started to respond on the original post, but my thoughts rapidly spun out in a way that would derail that post’s thesis, so I’m giving them their own space here.  I rarely share of myself in public this way, but it seems necessary tonight. So here is my reply:

... it’s a fantastic passage.  And the first time I read it, probably when I was in my 20s, it went right over my head.  So many things that I’m now finally learning to see as queer-coded, or even just sexually coded, were a gigantic blind spot for me until, well, pretty much my 40s (likewise, some of these meta posts on DD are teaching me to see anti-semitic coding that I had NO IDEA about: separate issue, same source).  And this “bit of well-known shorthand,” with regard to swooning?  It certainly wasn’t known by me, AND I WAS AN ENGLISH MAJOR.  

All those jokes you see today about those dense heteronormative scholars who say, “these women who wrote about the joys of undressing each other, you must understand it was merely a form of social bonding that indicated emotional closeness and the discomfort of corsetry, blah blah blah...” I have been that dense reader for most of my life.  My own formative coming-of-age literature went from Beverly Cleary and Laura Ingalls Wilder and Louisa May Alcott and even friggin’ Sweet Valley High, directly to rapey 80’s bodice-rippers and Stephen King.  There was no transition or middle ground between tender/sweet/romantic/sexless and titillating/explicit/traumatic.  And for whatever reason, I never thought to imagine any.

In that Jane Eyre podcast I’ve been listening to, one of the hosts mentioned Rochester’s threat to rape Jane, and I was like, *record scratch* -wait WHAT?  She referred to this:

“Jane! will you hear reason?' (he stooped and approached his lips to my ear) 'because, if you won't, I'll try violence.”

And I… I never thought about what that meant.  I was raised without physical violence (thank god), but I was also raised to feel that a man being angry at me was the most terrifying possible circumstance.  I never once imagined what the anger might lead to; the anger itself was The Bad Thing to be avoided.  So if I HAD been asked to imagine what form Rochester’s violence might take, it would have been, like, hurling crockery or some similar tantrum.  Jane Eyre fell into the tender/sweet/romantic/sexless category for me, so anything else was literally unthinkable. 

Later, In the same scene, he gets more explicit:

"Never," said he, as he ground his teeth, "never was anything at once so frail and so indomitable. A mere reed she feels in my hand!" (And he shook me with the force of his hold.) "I could bend her with my finger and thumb: and what good would it do if I bent, if I uptore, if I crushed her? Consider that eye: consider the resolute, wild, free thing looking out of it, defying me, with more than courage--with a stern triumph. Whatever I do with its cage, I cannot get at it--the savage, beautiful creature! If I tear, if I rend the slight prison, my outrage will only let the captive loose. Conqueror I might be of the house; but the inmate would escape to heaven before I could call myself possessor of its clay dwelling-place. And it is you, spirit--with will and energy, and virtue and purity--that I want: not alone your brittle frame. Of yourself you could come with soft flight and nestle against my heart, if you would: seized against your will, you will elude the grasp like an essence--you will vanish ere I inhale your fragrance. Oh, Jane! come, Jane, come!"

And STILL.  I’m like, yeah, Rochester’s a drama-llama all right, he imagines that tearing her chest open to get at her spirit might just be a fresh alternative to locking her in his attic, what a character.  It never occurred to me that he was thinking, “I could sexually compromise her, and then she’d be ruined and have no choice but to stay with me.”  It’s not like you even have to squint to see it, I just… had these huge blinders.  

For fuck’s sake, I’m one of those sweet summer children who thought for way too long that “Netflix and Chill” literally meant to relax and watch movies together.  Thank god I was never really on the dating scene; I thought “inviting someone up for coffee” was literally an invitation to sit around and drink coffee and converse about life.  In a previous century I’d have been that ditz nerding out over the chance to see etchings.  I NEVER KNEW ABOUT THE SEX CODE.

I find that I am angry and disappointed in the culture that raised me not to see, much less analyze, various forms of physical desire.  This culture was also deeply homophobic, not in an openly hostile or aggressive sense, but in a true “fear of” sense that manifested as nobody talking about it.  Ever.  Sometimes there were hushed whispers, quickly shut down by firm denials.  It was just weird.  Not a reason to be MEAN to someone, oh no, but as a default, Don’t Think About It; it’s an embarrassing affliction, and it’s not polite to point.  So I didn’t.  And what you don’t think about, you don’t see.  

But I also find that I am angry and disappointed in myself, about my own lack of curiosity about all of those locked doors.  About my own complacency - complicity? - in Not Thinking About Things.  As I became an adult and started to encounter People On the Internet who avidly DID think about queer romance, I was perplexed by all of these folks who seemed so determined to see things in media that - *tsk* - just weren’t there.  “People can love and care about each other without it being SEXUAL,” I’d think, because for me, the sweetest, least-problematic examples of love in media had always culminated in a kiss. And apparently, I need things explicitly spelled out.  I mean, clearly, who I am today versus who I was 20 years ago means I can learn and evolve, but also, clearly, I am the walking cautionary tale on Why Representation Matters.

*sigh*  Without knowing the code, I’ve missed out on so much.  And my own self-concept has been stunted.  Once I’m done processing and mourning that, I can look forward to rediscovering old literary and cinematic favorites through a more enlightened lens.  No wonder Wizard of Oz and rainbows are queer touchstones.  It’s like seeing colors after a greyscaled lifetime of dismissing them as a vanishingly rare phenomenon.

#ash gets personal #dracula daily #dracula #jane eyre #stephen king's pen name is not dr ruth #formative but not informative #gen x? in my tumblr? #it's more likely than you think #basic bitches need love too #and therapy #lots of therapy

[gothicprep]

here’s a vague collection of thoughts that i’m sticking under a cut, given how half baked and long it all is, but feel free to read (and you’re fine to reblog this if you have any contributions)

in light of the recent superstraight channer op and another somewhat older incident on here regarding some troll blog on here called something like “crazyaceyinspacey” that had a viral post about “aphobic dogwhistles” that listed things like “log off”, i’ve been thinking a lot about how lazy algorithmic programming and poor website moderation are extremely bad where it concerns sensationalizing misinformation.

i filmed a brief video in january about how the bean dad situation highlighted a lot of twitter’s failings as a website, and within that, i touched on how market-driven mode of communication we see online, especially twitter’s engagement metrics, combined with bad moderation allow a lot of fake content (your superstraight ops and the likes) and inconsequential garbage barely worth talking about (your bean dads) to occupy a lot of space in popular dialogue. and ruminating on it further, i sincerely believe this stuff is affecting the way we talk and think about politics and social issues.

if you were terminally online in the early 2010s, you probably remember r/TumblrInAction and r/ShitRedditSays, and how each fed off each other, creating (in mocking or earnest) the strawmen that fueled the other's anger. people creating fake content to show to a group they agreed with and make everyone angry, or producing content fishing for a reaction from across battle-lines so they can all giggle about it together. that content sometimes circulating outside of those in groups (see: oppa homeless style), with the most ridiculous and provocative getting more attention.

a lot of left leaning people online had their awakenings as a result of the internet. being exposed to viewpoints that you might not otherwise encounter, with lived experiences very different to your own, can be a good and healthy thing. but when you see your opposition being portrayed in the most reduced and extreme form, that... does something to you. i remember seeing a three arrows video (if i’m remembering correctly) about how falling down the internet rabbit hole of “sjw cringe” can lead to right-wing radicalization, depending on who’s in that situation. but i don’t think it’s partisan, necessarily, because the sharing of brainwormed content you disagree with, with your in-group, happens on the left too. and especially when you’re a marginalized person in some respect, seeing these contextless snippets, fake content, strawmen, etc, is rationally terrifying when you’re intimately aware of how dangerous bigoted rhetoric can be, and online is drilling into your brain that this is a lot more common than you’d previously figured. when you see a lot of it, you feel like it’s everywhere.

i also recently reread mark fisher’s exiting the vampire castle, where he talked about twitter cancelling with russell brand as a case study, as well as the NYT article that the woman who modded the yourfaveisproblematic blog wrote, and thought to myself “it’s odd that cancelling as a practice seems to have drifted away from legitimate public figures, to random users and influencers who are only Famous amongst specific demographics” and i’m wondering if the algorithmic influence on various websites & outrage shares play a role in this shift. that this leads to heightened feelings of threat, and why we see ethical zero tolerance policies become increasingly common in left spaces. why semantic errors are so often interpreted as “this person wants to hurt me”, even if the people involved don’t hold much power outside of social capital and don’t seem to have malicious intent.

though celebrity culture has been collapsing, especially during the covid pandemic. so it’s hard to say where one of these ends and the other begins.

this is a ramble and I TOLD YOU SO, but i’ve been kicking it around in my head for a while and i’m not really sure what to make of all of it. there’s definitely some sort of collapse of context and nuance going on, but i’m not sure where it’s all coming from and it’s hard to predict what will become of it

#i might flesh these points out and little further and write something proper about it. idunno #ill see how capable i am of organizing my thoughts on the matter

[fearmypaintbrush]

The internet culture of staning and kinning is toxic and is aiding in the suppression of personal identity. In this essay I will go into further detail about the mental and social effects of this toxic part of internet society.

After thinking about it for most of the day, and seeing just how BAD the problem has gotten, I’m giving y’all a watered down, easier to understand version of an essay I wrote last semester for my English class. I took most of the parts I wrote on staning and kinning, as I also covered more then that in the essay so forgive me if it feels choppy. So this is for you @tedfancam​ , ask and ye shall receive.   So what is all that stuff? We’ll start with the basics. Despite being fairly young even I didn’t quite understand what some of the definitions such as ‘kining’ and ‘staning’ meant. To put it in a brief perspective, ‘kinning’ is the act of wanting to be just like a specific person, usually used in terms with an online personality. For example, a young child might say that they kin a famous YouTuber because they want to be just like them, they want to be a YouTuber. In relation to that, ‘staning’ is where you idolize a person to a point where you put them on such a high pedestal that you can see nothing wrong with them. Staning is a form of extreme idealization and is often seen as quite toxic in nature due to the fact that not only does it put pressure on the person being staned because they just can’t do anything wrong, it also puts pressure on the person staning because they just physically just have trouble seeing something that’s wrong with their idol. Both kinning and staning in nature don’t really seem all that bad but both have their toxic undertones. Kinning could be considered a way of just suppressing one’s personality, you could say that you can’t be yourself, you have to be like someone else. Kinning as a part of internet culture is spreading the idea that there is no room for you to be unique on the online stage, that you have to fall into a cookie-cutter role and be like a certain person. This is a specifically a big problem when it comes to females, it’s often seen that there could only be one big female YouTube or other content creator and any other ones must copy her in order to be potentially relevant. Not to say that males and other genders don’t face this same problem, but from my research, it seems particularly bad for non lgtbq+, females.  As stated earlier, staning puts a huge amount of pressure on the person being staned. In my research, I dove into a fandom very well known for toxic staning and kinning, that of SMPlive. SMPlive is a group of fairly well know YouTubers and Twitch streamers that all play on one Minecraft world together. As the popularity of the group grew, it also shed light on some less then savory fans. As time grew on, many of the members expressed discomfort, telling their fans that they were not ok with what some of them were doing. While there were many problems that were addressed by many of the members, one of the biggest ones was talked about was the sheer amount of extreme obsession for the members. The obsessive tracking of their every move, people using their faces as profile icons, and the general fact that people were taking their like of the group way to far. The obsessive nature of the SMPlive fandom is not an isolated event, it is a problem for many fandoms, both for fictional characters and real life people. This obsessiveness, if not checked, can lead to the abandonment of things important to the person, taking hyper fixation to a new, terrifying level.  On the same line, kinning can cause just as much damage to the mind and personality of the person doing the kinning, often called a ‘kinnie’. Kinning, when taken to far, leads to the person obsessively trying to live and be just like the person, trying to recreate things in the persons life, and in some cases, drastically altering their physical body to match the person they kin. Plenty of people talk about the negative aspects of people trying to change themselves physically to fit in and be like the person they admire, but not many talk about the mental affects. People are changing who they are, hiding their true selfes because they feel and think and are told that only a certain type of people can be loved and liked, only those people can be successful. This new aspect of internet culture is causing young, easily influenced minds to try and mimic those they see instead of exploring themselves. We are losing personality in the world, and it’s an epidemic that must be stopped.  The Internet has changed drastically, the world has changed drastically, things that were once accepted less than 50 years ago or no longer considered acceptable. The more and more we advance our society, the faster society advances, meaning that our expectations for society also advance. Much like the OASIS in “Ready Player One” the Internet has become a marketplace, it is no longer just a random place to escape, it is a place where business occurs, it’s a place for people to live and spend their lives, some people never leave the Internet they’re constantly online, and as a result in recent years the rules of society have also migrated towards the Internet. If we are not careful, the world will lose it’s personality, it will lose hundreds of thousands of people who could be the next great thing to the expectation of fitting into cookie cutter shapes. If we are not careful, kinning will change society irreparable, and not in a good way. Mind you, the actual essay is a lot longer, goes into neurological details and also covers the evolution of call- outs and cancel culture and how kinnies and stannies use them as weapons instead of being informative, if not a bit emotional, calls to action. One day I’ll rewrite the whole thing and post if somewhere, but for now, have a slice of a pie that is getting bigger every day.

#long post #im serious #this is a VERY long post #it's a literal essay #painted rambles

[sirenfm]

❛ ✶ ( MAIA MITCHELL, CISFEMALE, SHE/HER ) spotted ! LORELEI GUNTHER was spotted singing along to GHOST by AWKWAFINA in hilton grove. you’ve heard of them right ? they are a TWENTY-TWO year old MUSICIAN who has already amassed a net worth of 30M. you should really follow them on insta @STARR, they’re about to hit 6.5M followers. the tabloids have been calling them the ISOLATO because they are known for being + OBSERVANT but also a bit - RECLUSIVE. though most people recognize them by THE RINGS OF SATURN, THE DIZZYING NEON OF THE DANCE FLOOR, SILVER STITCHED INTO WEIGHTLESS CHIFFON & BEING A SUPERNOVA SO BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE FORGET YOU’RE A DYING STAR. — ooc info (alys. 22. est. she/her.)

hellooo!!!! woke up this morning to see hilton will probably be opening today so i realized i better write my intro. i’m ally, i have Depression and too much time on my hands, and those are two things i have in common with my muse, lorrie!!!!! she’s like a hannah montana/lady gaga type pop star. pls like this post for me to hyu on discord !! 

(cc/vc: lorde) 

background. (tl;dr at bottom)  

born to a lower class family in boston, ma, into the gunther name which were once great musicians back in austria. her father took this very seriously and so named her brothers after composers (johann and wolfgang) and herself after the siren of the rhine. 

he wanted very badly for them to be successful in music and in life, so lorrie had a lot of pressure from the outset. also, her parents went through a very messy divorce early in life.

she developed severe anxiety by the time she was in first grade, and was diagnosed selectively mute. the only people she would talk to for years were her brother wolfy, and her oma, who lived with them. 

did manage to get some treatment and eventually recovered, mostly thanks to her oma, who taught her how to express herself, mostly through music. 

her oma died two years later, when lorrie was thirteen. since then, she’s basically had a mental breakdown every three months at least. 

even then, she dedicated herself to her music, even though her father had long since given up on her. but johann, while diligent, proved not to have the passion required, while wolfy, who had the passion, refused to be diligent, and eventually left the family on bad terms. 

lorrie also, strangely, found some confidence in drama class; it was easier to be someone she wasn’t than the person she was. after her first time onstage without bursting into tears, her friends convinced her to try out for the school talent show, knowing she was a singer-songwriter. 

she managed to get through her audition, but at the actual show? she froze. she couldn’t stand to be herself in front of everyone. 

slowly, she realized she could be somebody else. a few months later during a sleepless night, the kind where she’d usually cut her hair or redecorate her entire room, she went to the local walmart and bought every glittery thing she could find. she wouldn’t sing as herself, she’d sing as someone else, even write as someone else.  

and when one of her classmates had a filmography project and wanted to do a music video, the fifteen year old lorrie offered her song. 

that video was called starr - “royals”, and within a few days of it being uploaded, it went viral. 

it wasn’t until a universal rep knocked on the gunthers’ door that lorries father even acknowledged her success. and acknowledge it, he did. 

lorrie hated how affectionate her father had become all of a sudden, but someone had to accompany her to los angeles to record her ep. 

she hated los angeles, not only for what it did to her father, but what it did to herself, too. starr was how she presented herself to the public, she became the crutch lorrie used to get through these schmoozing conversations. where lorrie was awkward and nervous, starr was graceful, mysterious, intriguing. 

also, drugs. way too many drugs. 

by the time her first album went platinum, she realized that her father was wasting her money on all kinds of things. they had a blowout fight one night and, even though she was only seventeen, she emancipated herself and locked her father out of all of the accounts. she also left la. 

(this is probably around the time she started dating her melodrama ex, after she left la). 

after her second album, she settled in hilton grove because it was quiet, far from california, and a place where nobody batted an eye at a famous figure, let alone a famous figure out of costume. 

tl;dr heiress to a musical legacy overcomes social anxiety via faking until making, goes viral, becomes a teenage pop star, sues own father for control of her estate, leaves la and tries to remember how to be herself.

personality. 

shes…. aloof. reclusive. a bit of a weirdo. she either doesn’t want to talk to you or, if you’re close to her or catch her in the right mood, she will literally talk your ear off.

doesn’t really ever access her emotions, or at least doesn’t acknowledge them.

she really is a whole mess. all of her songwriting is done during white nights of random inspiration.

she’s better when she has, like, a schedule, but she’s still kind of a mess its a thing.

loves conspiracy theories will talk about them forever. also big into astrology and divination.

aquarius sun scorpio moon pisces rising so like………… she has no chill

an excellent mimic but out of character her voice is very monotone and flat, doesn’t really smile all that much. shes probably a robot.

so sarcastic someone tell her to shut the fuck up

queer as hell

moves like an mf cat. can very easily sneak up on you. someone get her a fucking bell

she went to rehab on the deep deep dl and now really only smokes weed and drinks socially. its one of her proudest accomplishments.

definitely moving away from the starr character as she gains more confidence in herself. also finds it stunting her musical growth.

kind of terrified to love because it means being Known.

her finsta/private insta is @lorilies 

also she has bleached blonde hair but i’ll be using brunette maia for like gif icons and snap icons bc there’s. not enough blonde maia pics.

you know ya girl included some tik toks for lorrie

her default when alone in her house

she cute when she’s high as a kite

her manager won’t let her have a tik tok bc she’s do shit like this

her philosophy, nay, her religion

wanted connections. 

ex-lover. yknow the one she wrote melodrama about. she’s highkey clingy and bad in relationships So. open to all genders. (1/1) 

best friend.  self explanatory; there through thick and thin. (1/1)

enemy. a rival artist? a neighbor with high standards? idk lets get creative lets get spicy (0/3)

confidante. tells them things she doesn’t like to admit. bonus if they will smoke weed with her (0/1)

good influence. someone help her get her life together (0/1)

bad influence. she used to be a party girl, so. its not Hard. (0/1) 

flirtationship. a general will they won’t they; i need some romance y'all. (0/1?)

pls anything talk to me i’m so lonely 

#hilton:intro #as usual this is a novel #also running to dinner rn but ill be on my phone #yes at the table sorry mom

[queeruma]

Okay, so an anon sent me this ask:

Can I ask if canon materials say anything about Uma and Ursula’s relationship? Do you have hcs about it? I never read the third Descendant book so I don’t know much about her

and I wrote up this post, posted it, immediately realised that tumblr had fucked up all the formatting, deleted it, and then realised that by deleting it I’d also deleted the ask. I’m sorry anon, my brain is not functioning properly, but here’s my answer, hopefully formatted correctly this time:

Hi anon! So I thought I could answer this in like 10 minutes, and then it turned out that I have a Lot of thoughts about Uma and Ursula’s relationship, and here we are almost two days later (this post kind of just turns into Uma hcs at the end sorry about that)

Yes, between the movie, Rise, and Uma's Wicked Book, there's actually quite a lot of information about Uma and her mother.

Under a cut because this got long:

Within the actual text: Uma's relationship with her mother is… complicated, to say the least.

On the one hand, Ursula is about as far from a loving, caring mother as one can get. She has been forcing Uma to work for her, without pay, since Uma was 'so little she could barely see about the counter'. She is verbally abusive, berating Uma and humiliating her over her losses to Mal, and we see in the film that she's not above harming Uma physically either. And Uma seems certain when she's speaking to Ben that her mother does not care for her at all.

"All those days spent working at Ma’s restaurant, serving up gruel and scrubbing the floors, and I’ve never gotten paid a coin.” - UWB “Uma had worked at the Fish and Chips Shoppe her entire life, from when she was so little she could barely see above the counter, until she was old enough to wear an apron, carry a tray, and take an order.” - ROTIOTL “Uma was glad to have the place to herself. If Ursula were around, she would only be raging and complaining about how she had been saddled with such an ungrateful and useless daughter. Ursula never ceased to remind Uma how often she’d lost to Mal. When she’d learned Mal had been chosen to go to Auradon, Ursula flipped her tentacles. Uma never heard the end of it.” - ROTIOTL “Things I wouldn’t miss about the Isle: (...) Ma yelling at me” - UWB “My mom doesn’t care about me either. Well, not unless she needs someone for the night shift.” - D2

On the other hand, we see a certain level of respect between the two of them. Uma seems to be proud of her mother's strength, and is very comfortable showing her heritage as 'daughter of the sea witch'. Despite her mother's treatment of her, we never see Uma being afraid of her mother (contrast with the core four in the first movie, who definitely are). Uma remembers her mother taking her to Hook's inlet to watch the crocodile wrestling, and (repeatedly) telling her the story of her defeat at Eric and Ariel's hands. She states that her mother taught her about the importance of negotiation. Ursula, lamenting over her loss in her final battle, tells Uma that they would be 'Queens of the Seas' if she'd won. Given that unlike most of the villains, Ursula doesn't seem to be trying to manipulate Uma into anything in particular, I take this to mean that Ursula would have given her daughter what she felt was her due.

And, most importantly, Ursula has one single piece of her nautilus necklace left when she's on the Isle, and she gives it to Uma when Uma is a small child. Uma likes to hold it when she's feeling anxious. There's clearly more than just antagonism between them.

‘Uma was special: she was the sea witch’s daughter, a force to be reckoned with!’ - ROTIOTL 'The gold was warm against her skin, and she felt a faint echo of its former power. It had the sense and shape of her mother's wrath.' - ROTIOTL “No, last I saw her was on the news when she was blasting you with her magic!” Ursula laughed. “Good for her!” - EFTIOTL “That’s my mom! At least Maleficent recognised her power.” - MSB ‘“Mama was really something, wasn’t she? Back then?” said Uma.’ - ROTIOTL “Ma used to take me down to Hook’s Inlet when I was a kid, and we’d bet on the crocodile-wrestling matches there.” - UWB 'She recalled her mother telling her about that final battle (…) Prince Eric had taken the wheel and rammed his ship right into her heart (…) Uma always held her breath at that part of the story, wondering how it was that her mother had survived such a battle. Because even though she'd lost, she'd survived. Prince Eric hadn't destroyed her completely.' - ROTIOTL ‘Her mother had taught her about the power of negotiation, or as she’d described it, talking someone out of their greatest treasures and giving nothing of value in return.’ - ROTIOTL 'Queens of the seas, Ursula would lament. We would be queens of the seas if not for that awful Triton and that terrible Beast.' - ROTIOTL ‘(...) the locket she wore around her neck. Inside was a tiny piece of junk that her mother had given her as a child. “It’s all I have left,” Ursula had said at the time. Uma never understood why a sliver of metal mattered so much, but she liked holding it when she was anxious.’ - ROTIOTL

I think Uma's outfits also say a lot about her relationship with her mother. The core four pretty much exclusively wear their parent's colours, even after they've rejected them. We already know that colour means a lot in these movies, considering the thought they put into the shades of purple in Mal's hair and clothes in D1. Every VK either wears their parent's colours - Harry, Celia and the core four - or they don't resemble their families at all - Gil and Dizzy.

Uma's purple undertone, her hair and skirt resembling octopus arms, and the mesh undershirt with holes that mimics octopus suckers are all there to reflect her status as Ursula's daughter. She's proud of her heritage - but there's probably a practical reason as well: there's an element of protection in reminding people of her mother.

However, I think it's telling that her main aesthetic and colour are all her own. The pirate hat, the tough leather jacket complete with epaulets, the chunky belts, her sword, and the overall teal theme, all make it very clear that Uma is her own person, and no one who looks at her is going to forget it. She's not going to ride by on her mother's reputation all her life - people will know her name, not just her parentage.

Her symbol also demonstrates this mix of nature and nurture. Mal, Evie, Carlos, Jay, Harry, and Gil all have symbols that refer directly to their parents (Gil signs off UWB with a bow and arrow, presumably a reference to his father's skill at hunting). In contrast, the skull and crossbones - crossbones in this case being a trident and sword - with a wave in one cheek, an eyepatch, and octopus arms below it is 'the unofficial symbol of Uma, daughter of Ursula - pirate queen'.

--

As far as headcanons are concerned, I can’t really list them? I just have a kind of general ‘this is how Ursula affected the way Uma’s life went’ hc:

I think all of Uma’s better memories of her mother are from her very early childhood. By the time Uma and Mal stop being friends, Ursula has already pretty much checked out of everything; I don’t think she ever tries to manipulate Uma in the way Maleficent and the other villains do their children. She leaves the work in the shoppe to Uma and retreats into her Auradon soap operas. Uma is used to seeing other parents on the Isle put effort into their relationships with their children (that is never actually a Good Thing but baby Uma doesn’t know what decent parenting is) and she wonders if Ursula’s lack of manipulation is her mother neglecting her because she sees her as worthless.

So Uma kind of decides that she’s going to be as independent as possible, because if she makes her distance from her mother her choice, she doesn’t have to confront the possibility that Ursula is neglecting her because Uma isn’t good enough for her. And because I loathe the canon Uma and Mal backstory with the passion of an anti-vax parent for essential oils, here’s my take on it (credit for the idea that Maleficent encouraged Mal to end their friendship goes to @edream93 in her wonderful fic ‘We’ll Light the Fuse’ - it partly inspired this hc):

Uma and Mal were good friends from a very young age, and there was some genuine affection and trust between them, which Maleficent obviously did not approve of at all.

She allowed it for a while because they did get into a lot of trouble together, but as Uma drifted further away from her mother, she became concerned about Uma’s influence on Mal.

See, Uma might have started out distancing herself from her mother to protect her own feelings, but she also actually began to care less about her mother’s opinion of her.

Maleficent, who wanted Mal firmly under her control, knew that if the two girls stayed friends, Uma might encourage Mal to question her mother’s authority.

And if there’s one person on the Isle talented at subtlety and manipulation, it’s Maleficent. Mal and Uma’s friendship was doomed to end the second Maleficent decided she wanted it to.

I also think Ursula’s F- parenting plays into Uma’s feelings about Auradon. Uma is genuinely right about the Isle - it is unfair and morally abhorrent that the children of villains are fated to live in a ‘fate worse than death’ for the crime of being born to the wrong people. She and the other descendants of villains unquestionably do not deserve to be there.

But Uma’s desire for freedom and revenge isn’t just based on her rational disapproval of the Isle. It comes from a huge amount of anger and pain, and it’s admirable that she manages to use those negative feelings (along with her love for and loyalty to her crew) to motivate herself. She is equally furious and terrified - Auradon abandoned her, Mal abandoned her, her own MOTHER abandoned her - and either she didn’t deserve it, in which case she has to be angry at basically the whole world, or she did, in which case...

yeah, she tries not to think about that.

Luckily, between her friendship with Harry and Gil and the loyalty and respect she gets from her crew, more often than not she’s able to believe that she deserved better she deserves so much better she deserves the whole fuCKING WORLD.

Ultimately, Uma is a very practical person, and any feelings she has about her mother, positive or negative, will not stop her from getting off the Isle and going after what she wants - whatever that ends up being. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that the octopus-inspired elements and purple undertones of her D2 look are gone in D3.

#h speaks #please let it have worked this time #uma #uma daughter of ursula #ursula #im sorry it's so rambly and incoherent #my brain does not know the meaning of the word concise #but thank you for the question anon!!! #i hadn't realised i had so many feelings about uma and ursula until now

[relishredshoes]

Interview taken from The Severus Snape and Hermione Granger Shipping Fan Group.  (Admin approved)

 https://www.facebook.com/groups/199718373383293/

Hello Loten and welcome to Behind the Quill, thank-you for letting us get to know you a little better.

Many of our members will know your works with Post Tenebras, Lux and Chasing the Sun being considered classics for the SS/HG pairing.

Thanks for the invitation, hello everyone.

What's the story behind your pen name?

There's a werewolf novel, Bareback by Kit Whitfield. In one scene a character is looking at the moon and mentions that in Old English poetry they would use the term loten to describe a night when the moon was bright enough to see by. I haven't been able to verify it since the author may well have invented it, but I love nights like that and I liked the word, and the rest is history.

Which Harry Potter character do you identify with the most?

I get asked this a lot, actually. There is no one character, I don't think - I identify to some extent with most of the characters that feature more frequently in my fics, or I wouldn't be able to write them (the exception is Lucius, as far as I can tell he's truly fictional and not derived from anything in me). I probably have more in common with Hermione than the others, at least my version of her, but it's hard to say for sure.

Do you have a favourite genre to read? (not in fic, just in general)

Fantasy all the way. My mother nagged me into reading The Hobbit when I was around seven or eight, and that was it. I do read other genres but a good 85 per cent of my reading material almost certainly has magic or dragons somewhere in it.

Do you have a favourite "classic" novel?

I have a few. I like all of Austen's works, my favourite is probably Sense & Sensibility. I've just finished re-reading Jane Eyre. I like Elizabeth Gaskell's novels as well.

At what age did you start writing?

My mother is one of those parents who hoards everything her offspring do, and among the boxes of paper is a short story I wrote and illustrated when I was maybe five, about a flying shoe (imaginatively titled The Magic Clog). And when I was six I had a poem published in an anthology of children's verse (I don't remember how that came about; I think my school was asked to get involved, had a competition and picked out a few that ended up in the book) - my contribution was a piece of free verse about a dripping tap. So it's something I've always done, though I started taking it more seriously as a teenager developing roleplay characters.

How did you get into writing fanfiction?

My best friend when I was around thirteen was into fanfiction, she wrote Stargate SG-1 and Buffy the Vampire Slayer fiction at the time. I don't know how she got into it herself but she introduced me to reading it, though it was a year or two before I found the courage to try writing any. My early stuff was... not very good, and I will never admit to being the author of any of it now!

What's the best theme you've ever come across in a fic? Is it a theme represented in your own works?

Oh, that's a hard one. I like seeing consequences being explored - often authors will give a character the backstory or motivation they need them to have for the sake of the plot, but if it's not one of the main characters they won't pay it any more attention after that. When it's done well, I do like stories exploring the realism of just how a character would be affected by what happens to them. It adds a new dimension to their personality, and the psychology behind it is interesting in its own right. We're a product of our experiences, and so are fictional people. I try to show it in my writing as well - why a character does something is as important as the thing itself.

What fandoms are you involved in other than Harry Potter?

I read fics from all sorts of fandoms, but Discworld was where I first started writing (badly). It's a pretty small fandom despite the legions of fans worldwide, so I got to know a few writers there and learned more about what I was doing. Took a break for a while due to personal reasons, and when I returned under this name I started off in the even smaller Tamora Pierce fandom, trying my wings before entering the madness of Harry Potter. These days the Potterverse is still my first love along with the other two, but others include the Wheel of Time, Good Omens and too many smaller ones to list. I don't write for them or anything so active, though.

If you could make one change to canon, what would it be? Do you have a favourite piece of fanon?

Snape surviving, and the HG/SS ship, naturally! Do you listen to music when you write or do you prefer quiet?

Music, or Youtube videos (I watch a lot of Let's Plays), or just having the TV on. I can't concentrate in complete silence, my mind wanders to other things. I also talk to myself if there's no other source of noise and I'm trying to break the habit.

What are your favourite fanfictions of all time?

This would have been far easier to answer a few years ago, but I read less and less fanfiction as time goes by and I don't read Potter fics at all any more. My personal headcanons have developed more and more over the years, and nobody's headcanon is the same as anyone else's, so I end up disagreeing with fics these days because it's not how I would have done it and it makes it difficult to enjoy them.

The best fic I ever read was also the one that introduced me to HG/SS, but at some point, along the way, it was deleted and the author removed their account, and I've never managed to remember the title or pen name to look for it elsewhere. I don't remember the plot either after so long, but the characterisation was absolutely superb and the ship just made so much sense that I never looked back.

Are you a plotter or a pantser? How does that affect your writing process?

A plotter, definitely. I always have a first draft mostly complete before I start uploading anything. Initially, it was just because I realised I was writing longer stories and didn't want to risk hitting writer's block or real-life delays and having to go on hiatus in the middle of uploading a story, but later I realised I preferred it. I don't have to worry about writing myself into a corner or contradicting myself, I can take the time to make sure things are coming across the way I want them to. And it means I never have to force myself to write 'the next chapter' to a deadline - if I don't want to work on whatever comes next, I can jump ahead and write something later in the plot that I do want to work on. I also find it a lot easier to plan a story around a timeline to get the overall pacing right.

What is your writing genre of choice?

I don't really know what you'd call it. Slice of life, I suppose? I like stories about characters rather than about plots.

Which of your stories are you most proud of? Why?

Most of them, in their own way. My Tamora Pierce series, even though they're nothing groundbreaking and even though I know I could write them far better now, because they were the first things I wrote that I felt truly pleased with and because the overwhelmingly positive responses gave me the confidence to keep going, to try for something completely original rather than a retelling, and to venture into a far bigger and much more terrifying fandom.

Post Tenebras Lux, because it's (almost) exactly the story I wanted to tell and (almost) exactly the way I wanted to tell it. Chasing the Sun because it's the best written of anything I've done and I can see how much I've improved over the years, although I prefer the content of PTL. And I'm incredibly proud of the thousands upon thousands of positive and constructive reviews both of them gathered along the way,

I never expected to attract much notice at all and it's been a tremendous help to me both as a confidence boost and helping me see more about how others view storylines and characters in ways that I'd miss. I think overall it's PTL I'm most proud of, with CTS a close second.

Did it unfold as you imagined it or did you find the unexpected cropped up as you wrote? What did you learn from writing it?

Talking about CTS and PTL both, they're more or less the way I imagined them. Sometimes I'd get a review showing me a perspective I'd never considered, and one or two of them ended up having quite a long-running impact. Sometimes I'd reach a point, particularly in CTS, and realise that what I had planned for that part of the story wasn't going to work and I'd end up writing something completely different.

During the writing of both of them I mostly learned about how my brain works and how to organise myself to write at my best - I think I've learned more after they were done; I re-read both of them every year or so and see things I could have done differently and things that work and things I no longer agree with.

How personal is the story to you, and do you think that made it harder or easier to write?

Back to PTL for this one, since most of CTS' plot isn't completely mine. I never planned it to be particularly personal to me; at the time I just wanted to write about my favourite character and give him a better ending than canon did, and enjoy myself telling the story. As I went along and started touching on different subjects it became more personal - I've experienced bullying and depression, amongst other things, though fortunately not on the same scale as the characters I write about. I think it made it both harder and easier; stirring up old memories wasn't particularly pleasant, but it meant less time researching and rewriting those particular parts because it felt more real, to begin with.

What books or authors have influenced you? How do you think that shows in your writing?

That's another hard one. Subconsciously I think almost everything you read influences you at least a little. I tend to divide books into three categories - ones I don't enjoy and don't finish (which is rare but does happen), ones that were good but ultimately forgettable, and ones that deserve to be re-read, and I've probably learned something from almost all of the latter kind.

If I had to name one author it would be Terry Pratchett. His writing spanned such a vast spectrum it blew my mind wide open from the first time I picked up one of his books (I think I was ten or so) and he's still the author I come back to time and time again and find something to enjoy and appreciate no matter what my mood is. He's known for humour but there's so much more in everything he wrote. As for how outside influences show in my writing, I really don't know but I can guarantee they're there.

Do people in your everyday life know you write fanfiction?

Not really. Some of my school friends did, but over the years I've lost touch with all of them. Of my family and current friends, the ones that would understand fanfiction don't share the fandoms I write for, and the others just wouldn't understand the concept. I'm not ashamed of it, I just don't know how to explain it to someone who has no overlap with this world. Some of my online friends know, but half of them I met via my fanfics in the first place, so I'm not sure that counts!

How true for you is the notion of "writing for yourself"?

Where fanfiction is concerned, there's no point doing anything else. If you're trying to make a career out of writing you do have to write for your audience at least to some extent, but one of the joys of something not for profit like fanfiction is that you can tell the stories you want to tell and don't need to impress anyone.

The whole reason PTL exists is that I couldn't find a fic that told the story I wanted to read, so I wrote it myself. CTS primarily exists so I could fix a lot of the parts of canon I had the greatest problems with. The fact that other people agree is amazing and I still get warm fuzzies from every review from someone sharing the same opinion, but that wasn't the point.

Starting out in small fandoms meant I had no expectations for reviews so I never felt the need to try and court them, and every piece of feedback was a pleasant surprise rather than a main motivation. It's also a lot easier and more enjoyable to write for yourself; my other fics are mostly small one-shots based on prompts from other people, and many of them were a real struggle to write.

How important is it for you to interact with your audience? How do you engage with them? Just at the point of publishing? Through social media?

I'd say it's pretty important. I try to answer every signed review where possible, and it's always surprised me when people tell me they weren't expecting it - it seems to be something most fic authors don't do. It never occurred to me not to at least thank someone for taking the time to leave a review, and for those who leave longer reviews with questions or observations or (constructive) criticism I like the chance to explain some of my reasons for a particular decision or to talk about something in the fic or the wider fandom or writing in general.

That said, I don't have much contact with readers outside review responses and FFN messages. I don't really use social media (hence the format of this interview). Nothing against it, but introversion and a lack of much free time (and, it must be said, a little laziness) mean it's not for me at this point in time. I do have a blog but it's not very active.

What would you most like your readers to take away with them when they've finished your stories?

Honestly? I'm happy if someone finishes and thinks 'that was a good read, I enjoyed it'. Anything else is icing on the cake. Sometimes I get lovely messages from people who've been going through rough times and they tell me something in my stories resonated with them and helped them feel a bit better, and that's an incredible feeling. Others tell me they've been inspired to work on their own writing or to read more about a subject I mentioned. Some just want to let me know they've checked out a song or book I referenced or quoted and they liked it. All those are great, but as long as someone likes the story and enjoys reading it, that's enough.

What is the best advice you've received about writing?

The most specifically useful was probably "when you're writing dialogue, read it out loud". Time after time I've done that and realised a piece of a conversation was very awkward and strange and been able to rewrite it. In a more general sense, the best thing I've seen was "don't force it". If you're not in the mood to write something, don't try to, because it'll be far lower quality than if you wait until you're excited to write it down.

What do you do when you hit writer's block?

That ties into the previous question. Usually, I leave that piece of writing alone and either work on something else or move away from writing entirely and give myself a break for a few days to clear my head. Sooner or later something will shake loose and I'll see my way past whatever the problem was. (This usually happens either in the shower or while driving, when I can't do anything about it, because the universe just hates people sometimes!)

Has anything in real life trickled down into your writing?

Oh, absolutely, though I can't give many specific examples. As I mentioned before, my experiences with bullying and depression definitely added an extra dimension to the way I write about those issues, but that's the only obvious thing. I haven't consciously included any specific incidents from my life anywhere in my writing, but I'm sure there are a lot of small things I haven't even noticed. And there are definitely some details that are me, such as certain characters' music tastes (or a preference for black forest gateau...)

Do you have any stories in the works? Can you give us a teaser?

I get asked this one a lot! Yes, I do plan on at least two more long Potter fics, if possible. I'm fairly sure at least one of them is going to happen. I have some concrete writing and a lot of notes. But it's difficult to avoid treading ground I've already covered in existing fics, I don't want to produce anything that feels too similar. I also wrote both PTL and CTS while I was unemployed and living with my parents, and now I'm living on my own and working, so I have much much less free time. No teaser, I'm afraid :)

Any words of encouragement to other writers?

The only way to get better at writing is to write, so write. Don't worry about not being good. That can come later. You can always rewrite anything. My early fics under other names range from thoroughly amateur to absolute trash that I've disowned, and there's plenty of original writing that will never, ever see the light of day.

If you write something down and hate it, leave it for a while and then go back and look at it and figure out why you hate it. Try not to be afraid. It takes real courage to let other people see your writing for the first time, and nothing hurts like your first negative review, but the world won't end. Criticism comes in three forms - misunderstandings that you can address; genuine criticisms that you can learn from; and, very rarely, flames or trolling that you can ignore. Most people will have a valid point, and most of them will genuinely be trying to help you.

And READ. Read everything you can get your hands on. Fics, books, blog posts, newspaper articles. If you don't like something, try and work out why. If you do like something, try and work out why. Exercise your imagination and the rest will follow.

Thank you so much for spending some time with us Loten, it was a genuine pleasure getting to spend some time getting to know you better.

#snape #severus snape #pro snape #snamione #hermione #hermione granger #sevmione #snanger #fanfic #fanfiction

[dailydoseofshizaya]

Hi! I just wanna say that your blog is my favourite on tumblr and I’m wondering what you hope to see happen or change between these two characters (Izaya and Shizuo) Do you think they could take care of Haruto and Himari together?

Hi!!

First of all thank you so much!

I haven’t read Durarara!! SH yet, but I can still answer the question based off of my own speculation after the ending of Ketsu: 

1. Regardless of what I hope to see or change between Shizuo and Izaya, I genuinely do believe that they will meet again and something WILL change between them. My reasons are so: 

✰

 ❝In a magazine interview (Spoon 2Di vol.11) of “Durarara!!”, Ono said the meaning of Shizuo’s life is probably chasing after Izaya. ❞ 

Source, Ono Daisuke is Shizuo’s voice actor. 

✰ 

❝“Izaya-san, one last thing.”

“…What is it?”

“One day, for sure, I will let you have a reunion with brother and Shizuo-san again!”

After a moment of silence, he laughed as he gave his strange but sincere reply.

“…If you think you can do it, feel free to try. At that time, I will use my full effort to run away from you.”❞ 

This is a conversation between Izaya and some little girl…? I’m 86% sure it’s from SH and the picture from the manga is in the Source, so maybe you could recognize her? I remember reading about this scene from someone’s tumblr a looong time ago but I can’t remember the context. 

✰ Just the fact that Shizuo has been actually thinking about and asking about Izaya at least a year that he’s been gone. (I don’t have the quotes for this momentarily but when I find it I will post it ;) ) I know it’s also from SH as I read it from another tumblr blog. Shizuo was asking about Izaya, and if I’m not mistaken, he even wondered how things could have been if they had gotten along, so yes, there is definitely a willing potential from at least Shizuo’s side for a new beginning between the too. 

2. Now, for what I do hope to see are a lot of things, but for one I think it’s so exciting that Izaya canonically doesn’t view Shizuo as a monster anymore: 

❝Up until now, I would flashily skip about and run away despite my meddling while saying I love humans. Well, the monster…no, that seems deceiving. I got caught by the man who distanced himself from humans, and ended up like this.❞  – Izaya Orihara from A Sunset w/ Izaya Orihara, Chapter 3 B, Source

The MOST exciting piece of evidence for me that I literally cannot stop fangirling over is Izaya’s newest Character Song Katte ni Shiyagare (Whatever You Like). It’s literally a love confession. No joke, like I’m not just interpreting through a Tsundere lens or making a stretch because Ketsu finale kinda completely murdered me and I need some Shizaya-positivity. Here are the lyrics that stand out the most: 

Looks like you’re leaving me after allIt wasn’t all bad things, you say, gathering up your memories

Saying “goodbye” may be somewhat of a wet blanketMaybe I’ll send you off simply, with a “later”  ///( “Sayonara” and “Abayo” which mean “goodbye” and “later” are the exact words that Shizuo and Izaya say to each other before their death match ;-; )

It wasn’t like I flirted and played around and gave you troubleIt was just that I was a little embarrassed of this thing called love

Song Source

Lyric Source

Yes, I know that this character song wasn’t written originally for Izaya, the song existed before, but that’s actually even better. This bitter-sweet romantic song was chosen specifically for Izaya to be his Drr X2 character song, and the lyrics about saying goodbye are the actual dialogue between Izaya and Shizuo! 

(and can I just say that listening to Hiroshi Kamiya singing this with so much emotion is the most perfect thing ever!!

I was hoping to see a more vulnerable Izaya who is willing to open up/face Shizuo (and I found out that we do, based off of the quote from Izaya’s Sunset book Chapt 3B), because at this point his whole campaign and tireless efforts to frame Shizuo as a monster have completely failed. It’s over and he knows it. Even he couldn’t make Shizuo a murderer and he accepts that Shizuo is human, so… could that mean they have a “fresh” start to explore a relationship (of any kind)? 

A great theory that I’ve read before (from Zephyrsus I think) and that I agree with myself is that Izaya felt feelings for Shizuo, and the thought absolutely terrified him. I mean, Izaya, the guy who puts himself in control constantly to protect himself is now facing one of the most human emotions ever, and it’s a very scary and vulnerable place to be. He can’t exactly allow himself to accept Shizuo as a human because then he would have to “love” him all the other humans, and I think that Izaya wasn’t comfortable with having to deal with this special kind of “love” for Shizuo to himself. Shizuo stood out to Izaya in many more ways than one, so I guess he decided to prove to himself that Shizuo was a monster in order to not have to deal with these unwanted feelings that were sprouting. I mean maybe it started off with pure physical attraction, but those are still vulnerable emotions, and it still makes Izaya a human with something to lose. At the very end of Ketsu, also right before the death match, Shinra says something to the girl with the side-ponytail who tried to kill Izaya at the hospital (I forget names) about Izaya being one of the most human people he knows, and how Izaya is actually very emotionally vulnerable and etc. UPDATE: I found the quote: “He might seem cold-blooded, but he’s more human and his heart more brittle than anyone else. So much so that if you filled it with human love or betrayal, it’d break easily.”

So to formally answer your second question, I did a brief background research on the two kids so now I’m a bit more prepared haha. I can see Shizuo and Izaya taking care of Haruto and Harumi together but it would be a slow transition at first. Since Izaya has already taken them under his wing, if Shizuo were to get in the picture he might do it more as means of protecting these kids himself and maybe leveling out the influence between him and Izaya, because while I do see the willingness and potential for a new start between both of them, it’s obviously going to be a slow and delicate process. But in fact, both Shizuo and Izaya taking care of these kids– even kind of separately at first– would be so great for the two men to come closer together. It would be like a perfect bridge for developing a better relationship, and also, we’ve seen how good Shizuo is with kids from his arc with Akane. And additionally, I believe that Shizuo would be very willing on his own part to take care of Haruto and Harumi because even without Izaya, he’s always been at odds with his self and his insecurities/fear of his immense strength and the “monster” persona, so getting closer to these kids would definitely give him a positive sense of purpose and happy change to his life. 

Thank you so much for your ask! I hope you enjoyed this, and if you have any more questions or requests regarding what I wrote or anything else Shizaya, I’d be more than happy to reply! 

#shizaya #shizaya analysis #shizaya meta #shizaya cannon #shizaya canon #shizuo x izaya #izaya x shizuo #Durarara!! #durarara shizaya #durarara izaya #durarara shizuo #durarara #Shizuo Heiwajima #Heiwajima Shizuo #orihara izaya #Izaya Orihara #Shizuo and Izaya #shizaya ask #ask

[flowers-by-the-bed]

Just ignore this it’s just for me to try and organise myself because idk what to do right now aside from cut myself up and hit my head and I’m trying my fucking best to not do that. But as always I need the knowledge that my thoughts are “out there” rather than just writing somewhere private in order to feel like it’s helped me. Not that I have much hope for that anyway. I was doing so so well, moving on, making progress, taking control of things, finding good influences to be around and getting my work done and it all gets shattered over nothing or when my meds don’t work as well as they should. Everything in my life and everything about me is so fragile and built on such fragile foundations and however stable or genuine the changes I make seem, they are nothing. Even if my mood flips again tomorrow and things magically get better, it doesn’t make my emotions any less strong right now, and it would definitely flip back to this as soon as the next stressor happens. I hate it.

I wrote out a huge post about all my feelings earlier and it made me feel better but I went to post it and the fucking connection got fucked and it deleted itself and that alone has sent me spiralling and im so upset and angry and that just says everything, i almost threw my laptop at the wall but threw my phone instead. I’ve been trying to remember what I said because it made me feel better but I just keep crying and hitting things and myself and I cannot shake it, and that’s my reality rn

_____

I’m so exhausted being me and being this mess and I don’t want to even try anymore. Whatever I do and however much I think I make progress, I always end up back in this situation with no triggers or warning. No progress or motivation is worth it because I will never be fixed or stable and there isn’t a guide to navigate this. Why should I try and move forward when within three days this can happen and I’m back at square one. Either my meds were faulty or this is just me but who the fuck cares which it is because either way I’m just a fucking incapable piece of shit. There is no reason I should flip this quickly and feel so strongly over literally nothing but tiny normal inconveniences and the level that I hate myself because of everything and just in general is too much. I hated myself anyway but EUPD moods make it so much worse and so much more intense and I literally cannot do anything close to normal functioning when this happens. My dad came round to check how I was and I cried for a while but then I was ready to try and go out the house with him, but I saw myself in the mirror and had a complete breakdown and cried in bed for hours and didn’t speak. I’m fucking pathetic but I can feel all of the fucking fat on my body everywhere and it feels like a disease, I disgust myself. I couldn’t move or even think about going outside because I couldn’t and still cant stand the thought of anyone seeing my body. It’s vile and I hate it and even when I have a few good weeks and start eating normal amounts again, seeing my body sends me back into a spiral and I regret ever eating at all. I’m crying now because it just feels like you can see the fat expand by the minute and it makes my anxiety and anger and sadness go haywire. I don’t want to try anymore I’m exhausted trying to pretend that one day I’ll get fixed and I’ll be stable enough for myself that I can lead a normal life but it just isn’t possible. I want to drop dead because this is not living. I am exhausted of my thoughts making me think of the most triggering things when I know full well I am already bad enough that I want to die and hurt myself, and just sinking lower into that spiral until I scare myself about what I’m going to do. Every single month there is something that brings me back to this place where I remember that no matter what progress I’ve made, it’s all fake and down to some fucking pills. And as soon as those get taken away, I’m back to being some pathetic waste of space and effort who’s almost 25 and unable to even control their fucking emotions even at the bare minimum level so I can function. I felt so guilty with my dad here and me just being a wreck and unable to talk or go outside. It’s pathetic. I don’t know why I deserve a head that hates me this much and can’t do it’s only fucking job. I’m tired of faking it and tired of hating myself and tired of knowing that for as long as my life lasts, this is all it’s going to be. And it isn’t a life. It isn’t fair and I don’t know why I had to end up like this. EUPD is ugly and it is vile and eventually, whenever it happens, this will be what kills me. The only things that distracted me even a little was my dad coming over and keeping me busy before I fell back into that hole and Matt messaging me, because it grounded me a little for an hour or so because it was nice to interact when it’s been months, but it didn’t work for long. Those aside, I just want to be someone else. It’s too much, I don’t know how to get my thoughts out, I can’t get the anger out even when I hurt myself or break things, it’s like drowning in self-hate to the degree that you cannot see anything else. I just want to sleep and wake up and have this whole stupid fucking disorder and brain gone or a bad dream.  It’s not hard to see why I don’t achieve anything, I will never get to my full potential because of my brain and the boat has pretty much already sailed on me achieving the things I wanted to with my work anyway. Because of how incapacitated I have always been during education because of this. It’s not hard to see why people leave, why I am too much to handle. I flip so quickly and the anger expects others to understand what’s going on when in reality I don’t have any idea either. I need validation and then I don’t want a thing from them. It’s too much. I don’t blame anyone. I blame myself. Every aspect of my life gets fucked up by my inability to control myself or my thoughts or feelings and this is just a huge fucking pity party for me to try and organise my thoughts, just so that for the rest of today, I might be able to move my head away from them now. I’m exhausted. I’m angry. I’m upset. I’m detached from 90% of the people in my life and I don’t care. I just want to hide until I drop or until just one area of my life makes sense. If I could hate myself less and not want to puke and cry and cut every time I saw my body, I’d be able to come with the sad and the angry. If I didn’t react so strongly to the smallest triggers, or felt stable, or stable in my relationships, or able to trust ANYONE, I’d be able to deal with hating myself a little better. If I didn’t read meaning into everything people say and misinterpret things, or have such a strong emotional reaction to people speaking to me or whatever then I’d have more stable relationships and I could cope better with the rest. If I didn’t have such bad anxiety affecting most of my life, the EUPD in general would be easier to control. If I didn’t feel this inability or desire to share with the people in my life who actually do care, I’d find things easier to deal with and would have an actual support system. But by my own design and suspicion and refusal to overshare and burden people directly, I’m a fucking mess. Everything hitting me at the same time, at 400% power, it incapacitates me. I wish I didn’t have a personality disorder so I knew exactly what I’m actually like, and not constantly wondering what is me and what is an illness. I wish I wasn’t anxious so I trusted people’s intentions and could be myself instead of reining myself in and being terrified of being bad at things or embarrassing myself, and never making progress with anything or anyone because of it. I wish I had a healthy relationship with food. I wish I didn’t self harm. I wish I wasn’t depressed. I just want to be someone else and be a real adult. Life is hard enough without an arsenal of chemical imbalances and broken mental Schemas. I was doing SO well and it equates to nothing. I don’t want to be a 24 year old pathetic mess of a person. It’s too much. Although I do it to myself because I’m not someone who enjoys talking directly to people about my problems and I’d never want to burden them, it’s alienating and hard to try and function without explaining what is wrong.

#personal #eupd #bpd #mental health #illness #venting

[kalluun-patangaroa]

An Audience With… Brett Anderson

UNCUT Magazine

December 2010

Interview: John Lewis

Brett Anderson has some fans in odd places. This month, Uncut’s email boxes are positively heaving with questions from adoring fans in Peru, Serbia, Japan, New Zealand, Belgium, South Africa, Slovenia and Russia. “I’m quite popular in odd places,” he says. “Suede had No 1s in Chile and Finland. We were massive in Denmark. If asked why Denmark, my stock answer was that, well, I’m a depressed sex maniac and so are most Scandinavians. We toured China long before most Western pop groups. I remember playing Beijing, to a crowd divided by armed soldiers facing the audience. That was pretty scary.” Anderson is currently back in the Far East, speaking to Uncut as he overlooks Kowloon Harbour, preparing for solo dates. Later in the year he’ll be in London for a big O2 show with Suede (sans original guitarist Bernard Butler, although the two remain good friends). “I wanted to check out what the stage was like at the O2 Arena,” he says. “So I went to see The Moody Blues with my father-in-law. Come on, you can’t argue with ‘Nights In White Satin’. What a tune!”

I presume you’re aware of the ‘reallybanderson’ Twitter account purporting to be by you. Amused or offended? Helen, Birmingham

Twitter is one of those strange things, like Facebook, that I don’t have anything to do with. But I have to grudgingly admit that the reallybanderson Twitter updates are rather funny [starts giggling]. And the guy doing it is obviously a bit of a Suede fan, because there are some very detailed references to b-sides and bla-di-blah. I can’t exactly complain about it without coming across as a real tit. It’s just fun and no-one really thinks it’s me, it’s a cartoon version of me reflected through some fairground mirror. I don’t think anyone reads it and thinks, ‘Oh, Brett Anderson has Jas Mann from Babylon Zoo doing his washing up, or Brett punched Damon in the street.’ It is, ha ha ha, quite witty. Having shown them the picture inside the Best Of Suede CD, my kids would like to know why you refused to feed me for five years? Also – can my mum have her top back? And are you around for a trip to the Imperial War Museum? Bernard Butler

Yes, what most fans don’t realise is that we kept Bernard in a cage for five years, and fed him edamame beans and tap water. Regarding his mum’s top – he should know that it’s long been ripped up and destroyed by the front row of the Southampton Joiners, or somesuch venue. Now, the Imperial War Museum – me and Bernard were talking about getting older the other day and he said: “Are you finding yourself increasingly interested in British military history?” And I have become oddly fascinated with watching WWI docs on YouTube. It’s not just the personal tragedies, but the sense of it being a shocking transition point between the Victorian world and modernity. The idea that they were going into war on horseback, and by the end of it they were in tanks. Blimey. So tell Bernard I will be going to the museum, soon… What’s your favourite Duffy song? Kris Smith, Wembley

I thought “Rockferry” was a very beautiful, stirring track. So that’s the only one I know well, but I’m really pleased for Bernard that that was a big success [Butler co-wrote and produced much of the album]. He’s an incredibly talented person and works incredibly hard, and he’s one of those people who is just obsessed with music. People like that deserve success. Did I ask him to join the Suede show at the O2? No. I told him about it, but he’s moved on so far from Suede that it would have been odd, and we’ve had a completely different lineup since he left. I don’t think he’d want to be jumping around a stage again! He’s much happier doing what he does now, I think he’s really found his calling. Do you still have your cat, Fluffington? Claire Vanderhoven, Holland

Unfortunately, he’s ascended to cat heaven. He had 15 long years of adoration. Am I getting another cat? Well, I recently got married, and my wife brought two Italian greyhounds with her. I don’t know if anyone is aware of them, but Italian greyhounds are like little cats. Ours are eight years old but look like miniature foxes, bonsai greyhounds. But incredibly fast, like little bullets. When they’re not running they spend their whole life under the duvet. Someone once told me they were bred by the Pharaohs as bedwarmers! Brett, do you have a copy of the single I recorded with Suede: “Art” b/w “Be My God”? If so, could I have one? Mike Joyce

Mike, I think I destroyed my copy years ago. I’m not one to keep memorabilia. They’re about 100 quid on eBay. Mike was an early member of Suede. We were advertising for a drummer and listed The Smiths as an influence. Then at an audition, their drummer pokes his head through the door and says, “Hello, lads!” Ha! It was a bit Jim’ll Fix It. I don’t think anyone thought it was going to last, Mike was far too big a name for us. But he just took us under his wing, guided us through the industry, and was so charming. I still keep in contact with him. What’s the weirdest story you’ve heard about yourself? Badabingbadaboom

Someone once told me that they’d heard a story about me wanting to shit in someone’s mouth. But I also heard the same story about David Byrne, so I think it’s one of those urban myths that gets transferred from one slightly kooky pop star to another. That’s probably the most unsavoury thing I’ve heard about myself. Maybe I should give it a go. Which actors would you like to play the lead members of Suede in a biopic? James Kumar, Manchester

This is the kind of thing we talk about on tour. Matt Osman is convinced I should be played by Peter Egan, who was in Ever Decreasing Circles. I think Nic Cage should play Matt. Arsène Wenger reminds me of Bernard. That’s what Bernard will look like when he’s 60. Billy Idol could play Simon Gilbert, couldn’t he? Would you ever consider working in musical theatre? Neil Tennant

It’s funny he should ask that, because only the other day, I was listening to the album Neil and Chris did with Liza Minnelli in the late ’80s. Results, I think it’s called, with “Losing My Mind”. That sounded great, so emotive, and real. I’m a big fan of the Pet Shop Boys, they’re one of those amazing bands that almost created their own genre. But anyway, musical theatre. Yeah, I think I would. Sondheim? Rodgers and Hart? Definitely. I’m always open to new ideas. Musical theatre sounds like it’s going to have camp undertones, but I’d love to do it in an interesting way. What’s the worst song you’ve ever written? Mark Catley, Christchurch, NZ

That’s a good question. I wrote lots of terrible songs that were never recorded in the early days. But there’s a song called “Duchess” – a B-side to something from the Head Music era [actually to 1997 single “Filmstar”] – which is pretty rubbish. I’ve often regretted the production on certain songs, like “Trash” and “Animal Nitrate”, even though they’ve been pretty good songs. But you can’t go messing around with things like that. You start to interfere with what people originally liked about it. I also think people like your mistakes, as they give your work humanity. I quite like that about Prince. He seems to throw stuff out – some of it genius, some unlistenable – but all quite honest. I respect that. Do you enjoy art? Excited about Gauguin at the Tate? Katarina Janoskova, London

Absolutely. I’m a big fan of Gauguin and the post-impressionists. My favourite visual artist, if I had to narrow it down to one, would be Manet, the pre-impressionist. Not Monet, who doesn’t do it for me. But Manet had this revolutionary technique of painting on black, which gives his pictures a real depth, there’s something very sumptuous about his paintings. And further back, the kind of medieval-style stuff like Holbein and Brueghel – they’re so well observed and so real. You look at these pictures of people who lived 500, 600 years ago, you can imagine them walking down Tottenham Court Road now, the same face, they’re so real. It’s a little window into the past. I’ve quite got into art recently. It’s all part of expanding yourself and your education, appreciation of beauty in life, innit? Now that you’re no longer coming to work in Bow, how are you coping without the salad pitta? Leo Abrahams, musician and producer

Ha ha! I’ve been working on an album with Leo, in his studio, and I have an unhealthy obsession with East London’s kebab shops. You don’t get many good kebab shops in west London. It reminds me of being a student. I’m surprised Leo’s got the time to email you questions! He’s far too busy producing Eno or Grace Jones or Florence & The Machine. He also does these bizarre things where he plays entirely improvised gigs, no rehearsals. And that inspired the latest solo LP I’ve done with him. It was based on improvs. Me, Leo, Seb Rochford on drums, and Leopold Ross on bass just jammed for days, cut up them up and improvised, and did overdubs. It’s a full-on rock record. I love Leo, he’s great. He never takes the easy option. He pushes you a bit, which can be terrifying. Can you give us not-so-slim-in-2010 Suede fans some health tips? Simon Quinton, Oxford

My wife is a naturopath – she’s conscious of what she eats, so we eat a lot of sushi and seeds. I’ve got into cycling recently, particularly living in London, through the parks and the backstreets. It makes you fall back in love with the city. I cycled to Bow the other day from my house in Notting Hill. So that’s staving off the fortysomething belly. I’m sure I’ll get it when I’m fiftysomething. I’m looking forward to that. What do you think of Gorillaz? Ruiz, São Paulo, Brazil

To be honest, I don’t know much about them. I like the drawings. I guess that’s a veiled question about my relationship with Damon? Well, we don’t have a relationship to talk about. We all have things that happened years ago, rivalries and so on, and people assume that they’re still on your radar and part of your life. It’s like some musical soap opera, often one that’s been fabricated, without much substance. I have different issues in my life now. Is the art of songwriting dead? If it isn’t, who is flying the torch? Paloma Faith

Oh, it’s not dead at all. I’m constantly inspired by new music. If you look on YouTube, there’s a clip of me singing Christina Aguilera’s “Beautiful”. When you’re covering stuff it’s interesting to try things that are out of your genre, which gives it a frisson. So I always try songs that aren’t, you know, British indie, stuff like Blondie, or The Pretenders. That Christina Aguilera song is amazing. I try not to look at songs as the finished product, I look at it as the chords and the melody and the words, like sheet music to be interpreted. You’ve got to keep moving with your musical appreciation. I loved the last Horrors record, I liked The National, The Drums, These New Puritans, lots of stuff. I never listen to the records I grew up with. Why bother? It’s all in my head! Brett, you’re from Haywards Heath. What’s the deal with the swimming pool there? It’s deep in the middle, not at one end. What’s your take on that? And were you ever caught out by it? P Newman, Brighton

I don’t know what they’re referring to at all, but funnily enough my dad used to work there as a swimming pool attendant. And I don’t really know how he got the job because he couldn’t swim. It’s lucky there weren’t any accidents. Every Tuesday, we had to troop down to the local pool, and everybody would be pointing at my dad saying, “Oh look there’s your dad, he’s working as a pool attendant.” And I was hoping none of them would start drowning, ’cos my dad wouldn’t be much use. Still, this was the early ’80s, and I guess we all thought the world was going to end any second with a nuclear bomb. Ha ha.

#suede #brett anderson #press #interview #bernard butler #mike joyce #neil tennant #leo abrahams

[capshorty]

11/11 (Make A Wish) Tag

Another tag game! Yes! I was tagged by @minnowf.

Rules: Answer the 11 questions of the person who tagged you; make up 11 questions; tag 11 people to answer them. 

1. What is your favorite book on writing / place to get writing tips?

This question I can answer immediately, with no hesitation whatsoever. It’s probably one of the most common answers today, but that’s just because it’s so good. Stephen King’s On Writing is absolutely my go-to book for everything writing related, and also the book that I carry with me to read when the random time to do so arises. Part memoir, part instruction on writing, amazing all the way through. As for places to get tips, Tumblr is where I tend to stumble upon the most and some of the best I’ve seen. 

2. What do you want to improve on in your writing right now?

This is a tough one. In general, description, and when/where to use it. If I don’t think consciously about it, at least to an extent, it will basically be non-existent. If I think too hard about it, then I put in way too much. As opposed to things like dialogue, which probably isn’t amazing but at least comes naturally to me. As for my original writing, confidence is a big one for me right now. Fanfiction comes so natural to me; I never second guess the solidity of my writing when it’s fanfiction (perhaps I should a bit more, but I don’t). Original stuff terrifies me and I doubt it so much more. 

3. Describe for me your ideal writer’s nook.

This is a difficult one. Hm. Somewhere cozy, for sure. Somewhere where I can curl up, with a table for me to have snacks and such nearby, preferably somewhere I can see nature and where there’s no distractions (aka people) whatsoever. If I could have one of those little window seat nooks with like pillows and blankets just built in to the wall of like a library or something, like the kind of thing you see or read about in books/movies, I would adore that. 

4. Do you have a writing ritual? If so, what is it? If not, why?

Why do I not have a writing ritual? I dunno. Probably should, but I really don’t. I can’t honestly say that there’s anything I do or don’t do every time I write, or even most of the time. When and how I write is just so unpredictable that up til now having a ritual has been kind of impossible. 

5. What are some of your hobbies outside of writing?

Hm. Reading, obviously, is a huge one for me, though I tend to go through patches where I either read a lot or write a lot, and somehow never manage to do both at the same time. Outside of that, music is a huge hobby for me. I sing (decently), like a lot. I daydream enough it ought to count as a hobby. 

6. Which of your stories has made the greatest impact on you? How?

I’d have to say the first story I ever wrote made the biggest impact on me, because that was my first moment where I was realized that writing was a viable thing that I could do and something I liked to do very much. Second to that, Undercover Disaster probably would be the next greatest, just because it was the first massive project that I ever completed that I felt was actually quality and like it could stand on its own, not as a fanfiction (even though the original I am referencing here was in fact a fanfiction. But the point is if I’d changed the characters names you’d never have guessed that.)

7. Which color/s would best represent your WIPs?

Well, let’s see. If I’m going with the ones I’m currently trying to focus on, then there’s a few. Little Red would, for obvious reasons, be varying shades of red - for blood, for violence, for Red’s hair, for passion. Exile is a difficult one, because there’s so much going on there. I’d have to say purple, for a mix of the whites and blues and reds; blue for the adventures, the waters and the skies that will connect everything, red for the passion and brutality again, white for the possibilities of where it can go, not only in the future but in second draft stage as I reach it. Only time will tell for Undercover Disaster as I start to redraft it - I have no idea what will stay and what will go as it transitions from FF to original. With time travel I immediately think black - because black kind of consumes all other colors, and encompasses everything, and this story has a little bit of everything, all surrounded by the changing circumstances of hopping through time and space. And if the void of time and space isn’t black, what color is it?

8. Have you ever written fanfiction? If so, on what? If not, why?

I suppose I’ve accidentally answered this question a few times now. Yes, I’ve written a crap ton of fanfiction - maybe two crap tons - and it definitely outnumbers my original attempts at least twenty to one. Fanfiction is what I started on and I don’t know that I’ll ever quit writing it, regardless of whether I quit posting it or not. Most of what I’ve written has been for Artemis Fowl because I absolutely adore and hate it. I’ve dabbled a few others, however, notably the Legend of Zelda, a bit of Alex Rider fanfiction that never quite made it online, some Kingfountain (conceptually; apparently I’m one of the only ones who knows these books exist, so I never got very far on that), and recently I’ve read and fell in love with Throne of Glass, so I’m working on something for that as well. 

9. What do you believe are the greatest influences on your writing?

On my writing today? Most of what formed my style and preferences were things I read, whether it be books or fanfiction, good or bad. Media doesn’t play much part with me, since Tumblr is just about the only thing I use regularly and most of my ideas come from either spinoffs or AUs of stories I’ve read or two or three random things that just happen to come together in my head and make something semi-coherent. So yeah, I’d have to go with things I’ve read, and also my surroundings. 

10. What’s a story you could have written better than their original writers?

Well. Um. I feel like no matter how you answer a question like this, you’ll make someone mad, so I’ll just be honest here. I already stated how I love/hate Artemis Fowl, because I love the concepts and the characters and how the author started out and then it just all kind of went downhill after book 3 in my opinion. Given the same number of books he was, I definitely feel like I could have done a better job, or at least I could improve upon the job he did. Even if I could only touch the end of the eighth book alone, I feel like I make it so much better. But maybe that’s just me being bitter. 

11. If you got to go anywhere on a research trip for one of your stories, where would you go, what would be your agenda, and which story would you be researching?

This question is kind of wasted on me, and for that I am sorry. But I’d be lying if I said it was really about researching anything for writing, because a lot of my stuff isn’t the type of thing I could just take a trip and do research about, as the things I really would need to research either don’t exist (yet) or existed in the past. So, if I were taking a trip I wanted to be conducive to writing, I’d probably want to go to Ireland, or to Maine in the US. Reasons being that nature-y/green places are so inspiring to me, and because some of my favorite writers live in or came from those places. 

Tagging: @the-evanescent-inkwell @mistbornvinventure @shadowfire71-writes @hoofgirl @thel3tterm @somedeadmagic @jynecca @writeness @ofinscriptions @mischiefiswritten @coloursintheblur

Questions for YOU! 

1. How old were you when you realized writing was something you wanted to do? How old were you when you actually started doing it? 

2. What are your favorite fandoms? Do you read or write fanfiction for any of them?

3. What was your first story idea that you really felt was solid? 

4. What’s your best solution for getting over writer’s block?

5. What book(s)/author(s) have you read that you think of influenced your writing most?

6. Which of your story was/is the easiest to write? Which was the hardest?

7. What are some of your favorite tropes to read/write?

8. If you could date ANY fictional character, who would it be?

9. What are some of your favorite things to do outside of writing?

10. Where would be your ideal place to live?

11. What’s the most underrated book you’ve ever read? Most overrated?

Have fun everyone! :D

#writing #tag game #fandoms #fanfiction #ff #ffs #my writing #11/11

[dreamersscape]

Note: This ask is from ages upon ages ago, and I’d like to offer my deepest apologies to whoever requested this. It was very important to me that I answer  thoroughly and in as articulate a manner as possible, and I’m embarrassed how slow accomplishing that took me. I hope that somehow you’re able to see this post, and you’re able to get something out of my rambling.

Thank you again for your patience in awaiting my answer, nonnie! I’m excited to put this headcanon of mine into words. It’s not often I have really specific and/or detailed HCs, I’ll admit; usually I stick to extrapolating off of canon. And while that’s sort of what I’ve done here, it seems to have happened mostly on a subconscious level, stewing until I realized a pattern forming within nearly all my fic plot bunnies.

It’s also possibly a key to how I understand Allan as a character, so… that’s kinda cool.

Okay, so Allan doesn’t really present as an overly anxious person, does he? At least, not in comparison to some of the other characters, like Much, who is utterly incapable of suppressing his anxiety. If Much is feeling apprehensive about something, you’re going to know it. So why then did I begin to notice my habit of, once he’s been stressed past a certain point, characterizing Allan’s emotional breaking points almost always as him tailspinning into a state of profound anxiety/panic? Well, partly because Allan just really REALLY sucks at dealing with negative experiences/emotions. His preferred method of coping with anything is to internalize the heck out of it, stuff it deep down inside, and then hope he never has to think about it ever again i.e. avoidance at all costs. And that appears to work… for awhile. He’s good at living in the present, ignoring past events and future repercussions. (Side note: a big reason why I also think substance abuse or other similar escapes could be quite alluring to him.) Eventually though, because it’s never been dealt with or even confronted, something triggers the release of all that pent up stress and negativity. He basically builds this towering pile of Bad Things, and so when it gets knocked over, it manages to completely overwhelm him. But until he’s thrown off-kilter and the pile loses balance and tips over, he’s mostly able to coast along, maintaining a relatively calm exterior while mired in turbulent inner seas.

Now, I realize I haven’t given much in the way of evidence for this yet, or explained why I think this all happens within the framework of a very anxious mindset. Hopefully I’m getting there. But that preceding paragraph is there to show how I find I characterize Allan as a result. (I probably wouldn’t have figured out this pattern of sorts if I could ever resist making things the Absolute Worst Imaginable Confluence of Events for Allan in my fic ideas, but that’s a “problem” for another day.)

What I’ve found is the key for me to get in Allan’s head and see things from his perspective is this: fear is his #1 motivator and it constantly feeds into his #1 priority, which is self-preservation. That goal of personal safety develops and eventually changes over the course of the show, but certainly for the greater part of the first two seasons, that is what primarily drives him. (For what I believe drives him from the end of 2x12 onwards, see here.)

For the most part, I’d say it’s pretty safe to say self-preservation-as-priority-number-one in regards to Allan’s character is generally widely accepted by the fans of the show. But opinions on why and how that came to be might vary more. I don’t know, maybe proposing that fear is the major driving force behind Allan’s decisions and behavior is not very revolutionary, but that is what I’d like to posit and explore in this post.

So, why do I think Allan is constantly consumed by his own personal well being above all else, to the point where its essentially become an automatic filter overlaying the way he interacts with the world? (I’m not intending to dramatically overstate things here, BTW; this is just how deeply ingrained I believe it is.) To me, this indicates at some point early on in his life something or a series of events convinced Allan that the world was an inherently dangerous place and you needed to always be on your guard for the next threat around any corner. This trauma could have taken a variety of forms depending on your headcanon,  but IMO it’s clear from Allan’s canonical behavior that it happened. Things that could point to this include, but are not limited to, the sparse background information we do learn about (Tom abandoning him and simultaneously stealing all his belongings, his apparent total lack of vocation despite his father being a blacksmith) as well as how he interacts with his brother (his over-identification with Tom–”I was like him once”–mixed in with the understandable trust issues, Tom’s borderline antisocial behavior in general, and I also wrote here about how their dynamic possibly alludes to a dysfunctional home life). With that as a fundamental part of your worldview, it’s easy to understand why you and your anxiety might have become good friends. He has no base level understanding or measure of being/feeling safe. Or maybe he once did, but there isn’t a way to go back or recapture that.

Another component of Allan’s anxiety I’d like to highlight is his personal locus of control. Locus of control is a psychology term that evaluates ‘the degree to which people believe that they have control over the outcome of events in their lives, as opposed to external forces beyond their control.’ It’s usually described in terms of being internal (belief that one can control one’s own life) or external (belief that life is controlled by outside factors which the person cannot influence, or that chance or fate controls their lives). ‘Individuals with a strong internal locus of control believe events in their life derive primarily from their own actions: for example, when receiving exam results, people with an internal locus of control tend to praise or blame themselves and their abilities. People with a strong external locus of control tend to praise or blame external factors such as the teacher or the exam.’ I definitely believe Allan has an external-based locus of control, and I think we see this in how reactive and defensive he is to his environment and in his tendency to shift the blame or not take personal responsibility for his actions. As opposed to Marian’s and Robin’s “everything is a choice” mantra, Allan often feels he has/had “no choice”, or feels “stuck”. Consequently, this lack of perceived ability to dictate and be accountable for one’s actions can make you feel very powerless. And if you believe the world is a unpredictable, dangerous place and there’s little you can do to affect or change that, you’d likely feel pretty fearful and anxious. Indeed, there has been research that concludes that people with an external locus of control tend to be more stressed and are more prone to clinical depression.

Now, I realize the preceding two paragraphs are either relying heavily on speculation or pretty technical terminology, so I’d like to conclude by referring directly to Allan’s behavior as evidence of his frequent anxiety. It is still in production, but I am working on a comprehensive gifset of every time Allan outwardly demonstrates anxiety. I’ll link it here once it’s finished. (Spoiler warning: it’s going to be a whopper of a gifset.) But until then, I think it’s notable that Allan exhibits a wide range of behaviors that typically denote anxiety. Licking his lips, swallowing/gulping, sweaty palms, fidgeting with something in his hands (could also be a sign of excess energy, but there are three instances of this in the first two episodes of the show alone, and this often seems to happen when it’s implied Allan has excess nervous energy), shifty eyes or a gaze that is unable to meet anyone else’s, hands on head in dismay, etc. It’s subtle because Allan’s doing his best to suppress it–he doesn’t want it to show because that would mean looking vulnerable/weak, which is not safe and a terrifying prospect when you live in a unpredictable, dangerous world–but if you’re looking for it, it’s there.

In summary, on the outside Allan projects a calm, self-assured, doesn’t-take-anything-too-seriously, cheerful, amiable image. And that is a legitimate part of who he is. He’s cultivated that facade for so long that it has taken on a life of its own. However, on the inside, he is ALSO a lot of the time an unsure, self-doubting, self-destructive, fearful, angst-ridden bundle of nerves. So that’s why when I read a story where Allan is ONLY portrayed as the former with none of the latter, it just doesn’t feel like Allan to me. In those cases, it’s as though I’m reading about a vaguely Allan-shaped empty shell. And I get it–it’s hard to always show all those sides of Allan when he’s not one of the main characters or he’s not the primary focus of the fic. Or the author might not be at all inclined to have Allan’s role be more than a surface level portrayal, and that’s okay. Not everything should be about Allan! But I also think there is often room for hints; Allan’s facade does have cracks. All this to say, Allan’s layers and contradictions are an intrinsic part of his character’s essence for me, including his anxieties/insecurities/fears, and his life has largely been built on that apprehensive foundation.

TL;DR Allan’s anxiety not only exists, it dictates much of what he thinks, says, and does, and the poor guy needs a ton of therapy.

sources for the locus of control info:

Rotter, Julian B (1966). “Generalized expectancies for internal versus external control of reinforcement”. Psychological Monographs: General and Applied. 80: 1–28. Carlson, N.R., et al. (2007). Psychology: The Science of Behaviour - 4th Canadian ed.. Toronto, ON: Pearson Education Canada. Benassi, Victor A; Sweeney, Paul D; Dufour, Charles L (1988). “Is there a relation between locus of control orientation and depression?”. Journal of Abnormal Psychology. 97 (3): 357–367.

#ask dreamersscape a question #anonymous #answered ask #allan a dale #robin hood bbc #bbc robin hood #robin hood meta #my stuff #as happy as i am that this is finally finished #i'm also high-key terrified about posting it #this is absolutely how i see allan but i like group consensus so much and it makes me super uncomfortable to stick out like a sore thumb #and i don't want it to sound like my seeing allan as deeply traumatized and #having such a messed up mindset excuses his poor/harmful/dunderheaded decisions #my intention is not to woobify him #(although i must admit i'm not sure if i fully understand the term?) #but i am /deeply/ curious about everyone's thoughts on what i've postulated here #does this all make sense? #because it's so integral to how i view allan... #please come talk to me about allan it's been so looonnnggg #oh also #*dons cap* #this is my amateur psychologist's hat #my mom was a school psychologist though #so i come by my fascination with the subject naturally :) #my gang to me day will never be over in our hearts queue

[ladyfl4me]

A,E,F,G,I,J,K,L,M,N,O,P,Q,R,S,T,U,V,W,X,Y,Z ;o

Okay *cracks knuckles* let’s go! F, M, and S have already been taken from this list, so feel free to send in... B, C, D, or H, I guess. Yeehaw. This is really fucking long.

A: How did you come up with the title to [TMWCIFTC]? -- It started, as many things do, as a bad pun. The novel The Spy who Came In from the Cold was a cold-war spy thriller, about a British spy who goes over to East Germany as an apparent defect, except he’s actually there to spread misinformation and fuck shit up. He falls in love, becomes disillusioned with his superiors, and is shot dead over the corpse of his lover after climbing over to the east side of the wall. Needless to say, this is nowhere close to what happens in TMWCIFTC. I chose it early on because of the literal meaning: there’s a moth(man), he’s coming in from the cold WV weather, boom shaka laka, we have a title. Over time, though, it’s evolved into another meaning. Indrid himself is coming in from an isolated, lonely existence: he’s rejoining the family that cut ties with him, he’s in love, he’s warm and safe. The moth sure did come in from the cold, and hopefully he stays that way.

E: If you wrote a sequel to [TMWCIFTC], what would it be about? -- Hm. Considering my entire TAZ fic career is a tangled hairball of sequels and prequels, I kind of have this base covered. At the moment, TCOS - aka The Children of Sylvain, the sequel to TMWCIFTC - is about three things: a Pine Guard road trip race against time and the feds, the Spanish Sylvan Inquisition That Nobody Expected (least of all Jake and Hollis, who have to set aside their differences and past conflicts to save Kepler - and who knows, maybe they’ll fall in love along the way), and Alexandra the Interpreter getting woke to Sylvan politics and doing what she can from the inside to change them. In other words, it’s going to be a massive sequel that is the finale of the Amnesty alternate universe I’ve created. It’s this series’ Endgame. (That reminds me, I need an actual title for this collection of stories I’m writing. The “Tin Cinematic Universe” doesn’t quite have the ring to it that I’d like.)

G: Do you write your story from start to finish, or do you write the scenes out of order? -- eh, it kind of depends. It’s like a buffering bar on Youtube videos. I outline what I can until I run out of ideas, then start writing, then add outlines to the end, until the outline is complete and I just have to keep writing.

I: Do you have a guilty pleasure in fic (reading or writing)? -- I don’t have one for reading, but for writing, I fucking love structuring chapters around songs. Classical or otherwise, I love music. All my stories play in my head like a movie screen, and I just do my best to describe what I’m seeing in my head with an accompanying score. It’s not so much a guilty pleasure as it is a writing process. Frankly, I don’t think I actually have a guilty pleasure; the act of writing itself is all the happiness I need.

J: Write or describe an alternative ending to [insert fic]. -- An alternate ending for The Devil Went Down To Georgia would be... interesting. It ended with Boyd-as-Jersey-Devil scaring the pants off some poor broke college kid, who stole his worthless fiddle; then he changed back, and he and Ned went on their merry way to go break into Aubrey’s house and send everything down the drain. If there was one thing that I could change in there, it would be how fast Ned ran. If he ran a little faster, he would have seen the alley; he would have witnessed Boyd turning into the Jersey Devil, or at least turning back into himself; and he’d get a very rude awakening as to what Sylvans are and that his partner (in crime, and everything that mattered) was a fucking cryptid. God, that’d be a fun AU to write. Who knows, I might go do that someday.

K: What’s the angstiest idea you’ve ever come up with? -- At the moment, the only angsty idea that I’m actually conceptualizing is a Hollis/Jake angsty breakup for TSG. (Spoilers, I guess.) I once wrote a very grimdark ending to TMWCIFTC where everyone fell through the ice and drowned. It wasn’t fun. I’ve also mentally killed off each Amnesty protagonist and NPC in various ways, but I never felt comfortable writing them down. I only write angst with a happy ending because those are the kinds of stories I need to hear.

L: How many times do you usually revise your fic/chapter before posting? -- 9 times out of 10, I just throw it into the void. I write as much as I can in big chunks, and then kind of hope for the best. TMWCIFTC, for example, is a completely unedited, unbetaed vomit draft. I usually do a quick reread of my oneshots to catch grammar and spelling errors, but other than that I just trust myself that it’s fine.

N: Is there a fic you wish someone else would write (or finish) for you? -- Can I get some kind of resolution for To the Edge of Night? Can I please get some kind of resolution for To the Edge of Night??? I was 14 chapters into that bastard before I a) became a more casual MCU fan and b) discovered TAZ. It was such a niche fic with such a niche structure - LOTR as galactic Asgardian propaganda to cover up Odin’s mistakes - that at some point I lost interest in it. I just saw Endgame though, so now I might get some inspiration for stuff to bastardize.

O: How do you begin a story–with the plot, or the characters? -- Characters. When coming up with character backstories, I can usually find ways to slot their lives together that necessitate a plot. I love character-driven stories, where their actions actually do shit and their words actually mean something, in favor of getting dragged along behind the plot like tin cans behind a car.

P: Are you what George R. R. Martin would call an “architect” or a “gardener”? (How much do you plan in advance, versus letting the story unfold as you go?) -- I’m definitely an architect, but in a really messy way. My friends can attest that I do an insane amount of planning for each story - often in their DMs, sorry about that, Fae, Cro, Indy and Aline 😬 - and all that usually ends up in a stream-of-consciousness rant outline on Google Drive. Knowing where the story is going helps me a lot, but the planning I do is definitely just building flower beds in which to sow seeds. Or building a greenhouse. I plan the bare bones of a story, and things get really wild within it, but it does follow a logical plot structure.

Q: How do you feel about collaborations? -- I have a lot of respect for the people who can successfully pull it off, but idk if i’d ever want to do one myself. I get really possessive of my stories and ideas and like to be the one in charge of their execution. That being said, some collabs have produced amazing stories. I don’t mind reading collab fics, but actually being in a collab grates on me more than it should.

R: Are there any writers (fanfic or otherwise) you consider an influence? -- I’m definitely influenced heavily by Neil Gaiman. I read American Gods and Good Omens a lot while I was trying to write TMWCIFTC; not only was it a good brain break, but I was able to pick up a lot of tips on scene pacing, concise yet expressive language, and character interactions. My creative wriitng professors have always told us to read so we know what to steal - not in terms of content, but in execution. 

On the fanfic side, @miamaroo is a huge inspiration for me. I’ve been reading Northern Migration a lot recently, and I love how its canon divergence is so worldshaking and so complex, but is still familiar in nostalgic yet terrifying ways. I read it back in October, went, “Huh, I wanna do something that wild. And if miamaroo can do it then I sure as fuck can too,” and I started planning TMWCIFTC during that one month dead zone the McElroys took last year. Northern Migration is one of the best, most coherent, most stunning, and most incredibly written TAZ Balance AUs I’ve ever read, and if I hadn’t read it, I wouldn’t have been inspired to take the fuckall huge plunge into TMWCIFTC.

S: Any fandom tropes you can’t resist? -- Bed sharing and cuddling, hand kissing, wrist kissing, whump, sympathetic villains. Canon divergent AUs are my absolute favorite things to both read and write. Anything that would turn me into Charlie Kelly slamming his finger on a bulletin board screaming, “CAROL,” is a fic I would give my life for. 

T: Any fandom tropes you can’t stand? -- Not a fan of a) woobification and b) flat villain characterization, to the point where the story is riding on villain tropes instead of an actual person or plot. Character nuance is always something I look for when I read. I don’t usually get bitter about tropes, though; some stuff, when subverted, works really well. I fully subscribe to don’t like, don’t read, don’t write, which is why I don’t write anything that warrants AO3 content warning tags or an Explicit rating, in favor of focusing on plot. Every author has a reason for what they write and how - be it their level of experience, personal preference, or simply the joy of writing something and getting it out there - and I respect that. Within reason, of course.

U: Share three of your favorite fic writers and why you like them so much. -- 

@miamaroo, for reasons I’ve already discussed. My favorite TAZ Balance author hands down. Read Northern Migration and give it the love it deserves, or I’m replacing all the faucets in your house with silly straws.

@transagentstern. Fae has a bunch of absolutely incredible fics and an amazing grasp on characterization. We come from the same place with AUs, in that canon is but the bare planks on which we put the drywall of our plot an characterization. They structure AUs and character backstories from the ground up in believable and emotionally raw ways. Also they have great music taste. I especially like their interpretation of Indrid in Moth to the Flame; he, like all the other characters in the story, is far from perfect, and his character arc is explored in relatable ways that I love to read. 

@keplersheetz. Aline - theneonpineapple on AO3 - researches like a motherfucker and has a wealth of knowledge/experience/viewpoints to draw on, making author-author interactions with her an absolute delight. She’s also doing the lord’s work with rarepairs. Spin a wheel, find a ship, and she’s probably written for it or at least conceptualized it. Reading her character studies and stories of the old Pine Guard - aka Mama’s original crew, before the current PCs joined - is always a delight. I’ve also hashed out a lot of details for The Children of Sylvain, especially for Mr. Boyd Mosche, guilt-wracked Jersey Devil extraordinaire, with her help. 

V: If you could write the sequel (or prequel) to any fic out there not written by yourself, which would you choose? -- Not gonna lie, I’m fine with a lot of stuff that’s out there right now. It’s been a hot few months since I’ve actually stopped to read fic, but from what I recall, most of the fics I’ve read have done a good job of keeping things intact.

W: Do you like more general prompts, or more specific ones? -- The vaguer, the better. With really specific prompts, it usually feels as if the story’s been written for me already; with vague, general prompts, I have more agency to explore my own ideas. Some accompanying detail is usually nice, though. For example, the coffee shop/college/flower shop AUs that @transagentstern​ wrote are my ideal prompt for drabbles: premise, a little bit of open-ended detail, clear explanation of what’s going to happen while leaving the rest up to the imagination. Good stuff. If it’s for a long-form piece, though, I prefer full agency, or even just some time to lie facedown in the dirt and wait for an idea to strike me.

X: A character you enjoy making suffer. -- Yes.

Y: A character you want to protect. -- Tim.

Z: Major character death–do you ever write/read it? Is there a character whose death you can’t tolerate? -- I do read lots of major character death, yeah, though not always for TAZ. There’s something cathartic about seeing a character die, but sometimes it sits wrong with me in ways that I don’t like. As for writing, I’d rather kill a character for a reason rather than for shock value/for the Feels, though said Feels can accompany the reason. 

#anon please dm me so i know who u are #please #i'm begging you #i'm in hell #asks #anon #ask game

[trueloveforeverbeautyandthebeast]

Deborah Ann Woll on ‘Daredevil’ Season 3 and Karen Page’s Dark, Violent Past

Deborah Ann Woll discusses Karen Page’s reaction to Matt Murdock’s death, finding her place as an investigative journalist, why she’s “fucking terrified” of Wilson Fisk’s return to New York, why Marvel Netflix characters can no longer get coffee, and much more.

Question: We heard that your new costuming makes you look “fucking fierce.”

DEBORAH ANN WOLL: Oh, yeah? Well, cool. I guess so? I thought the old look was really fucking fierce! I had this big thing that I think we start to take things that were traditionally feminine and label them as weak and I just didn’t want to be a party to that. I wanted it to feel like, “Hey, you can kick ass whether you’re in pants or a skirt.” My big thing was I wanted her to be tough and fierce and amazing no matter what she’s wearing.

What can you tell us about Karen this season, what’s going on with her?

WOLL: Oh boy. Well, obviously, people will remember from The Defenders, as far as Foggy and I are concerned, Matt’s dead. So that’s kind of the first half of the season, dealing with the grief of that. Or do you believe it or not, the denial of it. And then do you keep fighting? Do you take on this fight that you think killed your friend and keep pushing on? Of course Karen will never let go. It’s really digging into the investigative journalist profession that I found myself in after last season. Wilson Fisk is back, which is very exciting. We have two new characters who are amazing. I think for me, the most fun has been that we really start to open up Karen’s past and a lot of the mysteries, the hints that have been dropped and we haven’t really filled those in. They’ve done an amazing job. I could not have asked for a better backstory. We had two different showrunners. So they had to take all the little hints and pieces that other people laid for them and then create something that they thought worked well. I was so thrilled with what they came up with.

One of my favorite things ever from Karen is when she had to kill to survive in season one, is that something that’s going to be explored?

WOLL: Yeah, we’ll definitely learn a little bit more about why those were her instincts instead of something else, like what would have maybe been better, like just pointing a gun at him and calling the cops. We will get a sense of why shooting someone and covering it up is a bit more in her wheelhouse. We get a little bit of that. For me, through the different showrunners and all the different backstories that I heard, the main thread that I asked every single showrunner along the way was like, “Please don’t say I shot someone to save a busload of kids.” I want whatever happened to be something that was my fault. That this isn’t a story about misplaced guilt, this is a story about forgiveness and acceptance. That I did something really wrong and the rest of my life has been about atoning for it. Every story that I wrote about justice and truth and about opening your mind to different types like Frank Castle or Daredevil, it’s all about, “How do I make up for the awful things that I have done by being the most light and the most truthful and the most helpful I can be?” All of that drive in her is derived from something.

One of the chestnuts of being a journalist is “Don’t become the story,” but so much happens to Karen, do you think she’s ever worried?

WOLL: It’s almost like unwittingly I do it on purpose? Because I don’t want to let go, like, “You can’t do the story, it’s my story. I’m the only one who can…” That’s a bit of the weakness in it, is I can’t let it go. I don’t trust anyone else to do it right. Someone else might be biased or influenced by Fisk, it’s hard to know who to trust. So I think Karen’s weakness is she always wants to be in the middle of it. It’s kind of a cool strength weakness thing.

It’s kind of a control freak type of thing. Is that going to be delved into?

WOLL: Sure. As we look in the past and see the varying levels of control and out-of-controlness that Karen has experienced, I do buy that there’s a sense of, if I let go for a second, everything falls apart. So I better hold on to it and I better make sure this is done right because consequences can be awful. And they still are this season. A lot of what Karen deals with is, “I keep trying to do the right thing and yet people still die. They die on my watch and even sometimes because of me.”

What is Karen’s reaction to Wilson Fisk’s return to New York?

WOLL: Really fucking terrified. I killed his best friend. He doesn’t know it yet, that’s a good thing. It was funny, they kept saying, “Play the paranoia. We definitely want to work up the paranoia.” It’s not paranoia if it’s real! If he’s really going to kill you if he finds out, that’s not paranoia. That’s real fear. We definitely play with that. I finally got to do a scene with Vincent and it was fantastic. We were both so excited because he killed my Ben Urich and I killed his James Wesley so we have a mutual hate, I guess. Very Shakespearian mutual disgust for each other. But as actors, I think we both have tremendous respect for each other and the opportunity to get to play with him in this brilliantly flamboyant performance he gives, which is very much a contrast to Karen. So it was great to get both of those energies in a room and see how they play off each other. It was a great day. There was like a snowstorm out when we shot it. We felt very much like we were all stuck in this little soundstage, the winds were roaring outside, emotions were roaring inside. It was cool.

Karen went through a huge ordeal in The Punisher very recently, I’m wondering if her adventures in The Punisher have changed her going into Daredevil season 3?

WOLL: I think definitely, The Punisher world…all these worlds are violent worlds, but The Punisher’s world particularly so. One of my favorite themes from that Punisher season, and it’s particularly that one scene out by the water, where I have to ask him, “Where does it end? At what point is your revenge over? At what point do you feel better after killing hundreds of people.” And, of course, the answer is “never.” I like the idea that that’s a realization for me, too. An understanding that I have to find. I think, in a way, it made me more sensitive to the consequences of extreme action. Some of that theming gets picked up between Karen and Matt once we realize he’s still around.

With everything Karen is going through how has her worldview changed, for you, as an actor? Coming from season one where she’s trying to find her own way until now, she’s seen the undead ninjas…

WOLL: I actually never did! I only heard about the undead ninjas. Charlie and I actually had a conversation about that. I felt bad because he was sort of off in that storyline on his own. I was like “If I was there I could help support that a little.” It just felt very out of our world, the grounded world of Daredevil. We had a conversation about it and were like, “Well it has to be that. In this room, right now, if I told you I’ve seen ghosts, I have. I know it sounds crazy but that’s what I’ve seen.” We agreed that the best way to take on mystical elements in a world that is grounded is to treat them as mystical. To treat them as exceptionally, insanely crazy. Unfortunately, I couldn’t play that with him as a support but I’m sure he did a tremendous job whatever he chose to do with it. But worldview? I don’t know, it’s like asking me what my worldview is.

I think Karen is a profoundly lonely person. She avoids honest connection. That’s part of why the relationship with Matt couldn’t work in season 2. Because neither of them were being honest with each other about who they really were. And we knew that was what we wanted to play, that there is clearly attraction here but these are not people who are ready to open up. I don’t know if it’s a worldview, but if the world was a really scary place that would never accept me, that didn’t want to see who I really was, then over the years, I think it’s about getting braver. And accepting that you have to be honest about who you are and maybe people will hate you for it.

Does Karen trust anybody?

WOLL: Maybe Foggy.

Karen has done very well for herself post-Matt, do you think Karen is better off without Matt?

WOLL: It’s interesting. No, I don’t think I’m better off without him but I wouldn’t blame Karen for thinking that she might be. I think that he’s a damaged person. I think that if I weren’t so angry with him I could see that he needs help. That’s a little bit certainly the theming that we play with this year. Just because someone pushes you away, do you accept that and say, “Hey, I don’t have to take this shit.” Or do you try and see deeper and see that that’s coming out of hurt and try and understand your way through it. Honestly, either of those answers is appropriate. It depends on what you can take at any given moment. But like I said, I think Karen is alone. Matt and Foggy are two of the only people she’s had a long relationship with in many, many years. That’s worth fighting for even if it seems like he doesn’t want you to.

How did you learn about Karen’s past? Was it as you got the scripts or did you sit down with Erik?

WOLL: Before the season started, Erik was really nice and reached out to all of us and took us to lunch and we had a conversation about it. He told me what his plans were then and obviously, that was months ago and it has changed. Not drastically but significantly since then. So it was a different story. But I’ll take as much information as they’ll give me. Every other week we were emailing or talking on the phone like, “Hey, any update on that?” He was really about being transparent with me about the direction they were going. When I finally did get a script he was really open to notes and ideas that I had and things that help me tell the story. It was crazy collaborative. With the supervising writer, the writer who wrote the episode, the director, myself, and Erik and all these great other characters that we brought on, everyone was on point. And collaborative, and open to any idea. We could throw any idea out and say, “Well, maybe that won’t work, let’s try this one.” It was two of the most exciting and fun weeks of my career, working on that material.

Is there any way that season 3 feels different from the other seasons, or any other Marvel Netflix show that you worked on?

WOLL: I think the big difference, and this is giving a lot of credit to Erik, he has decided to take on this idea of deep POV. So we have about six main characters and the idea is that every scene that you are in, you will be from the perspective of one character. That doesn’t mean that you won’t see them in the show, but that you start with them, you end with them, you notice whatever they notice, and it should give the season a very different feel. What’s fun is when two of those POV characters are in the same scene together. It’s been really interesting watching directors figure out like, “How do you shift that? Whose perspective is it?” Like in a scene with me and Fisk, it’s both of our POVs. When do we shift? When is it more interesting to be with Karen and when is it more interesting to be with him? That should really lend some really interesting new flavor to it. As well as we spend a lot of time with other characters other than Daredevil, which will lend a lot of depth to other characters and some mystery to Matt, which is always a good thing.

Karen has been a romantic interest, even in the comics, a lot of people have linked her automatically as a romantic interest. Matt is gone. How is Karen going to exist and grow outside of her comic book origins and how she was played in season 1 and 2?

WOLL: I might argue that I wasn’t a love interest in seasons 1 and 2. Look, romantic stories are incredibly fun to play. I love them. It’s like being 16 again. You get to have all those feelings. But all of the romance I’ve gotten to play, with any of the characters in the series, whether that’s Frank or Matt, they all come from a need. From a lonely person, a person who doubts whether she is deserving of love. So the relationship is deeper than just storytelling romance. With Matt gone, what will be good for Karen is she’ll need to find out whether she is worthy of love without having to find it through him. Can she discover that she’s valuable without having to find that in a romantic partner? That’s been a fun, interesting thing to play. My hope is that as they reconnect he’ll be able to help her see that better. That that will end up being how they connect with each other.

What can you tell us about the relationship between Karen and Foggy this season? A lot of times when they bond, they bond because they’re anguished over Matt, but Matt’s gone.

WOLL: There’s still plenty of anguish. When you die you don’t stop being anguishing. That’s not a word, I’m gonna’ make that a word. Foggy is about consistency. If Matt and Karen—who are the most inconsistent, wild, reckless people who exist—didn’t have Foggy, nothing would get done. So I think that he provides security and safety and support for Karen. You asked if there’s anybody she could trust, I think he would be that one person. Now I think they have very different points of view. What Karen thinks is the right thing is to do is very different from what Foggy thinks is the right thing to do. But they always support one another. Foggy’s in a great relationship so it’s very fun to think of Karen being happy for him. That he’s living a normal life while she and Matt are incapable of that.

Are they getting coffee? Are they hanging out?

WOLL: You know what happened? We have now, on our Marvel shows, we are not allowed to just literally go for coffee as characters. Because that euphemism [from Luke Cage] is so strong. We literally had scenes where I’m like, “Alright, let’s go get some coffee.” And they’re like, “No, you can’t say that. People will read into it.” No, Karen and Foggy are not “getting coffee.” We drink a lot of whiskey and scotch.

As Karen, when she watches Frank and Matt, does she find similarities between the two of them and does she find any of those qualities in herself?

WOLL: Yes. I think part of the reason why I was such a staunch supporter of Frank in a roundabout way is because I understand that. I killed out of revenge. There were other ways to handle that situation and I did not choose that. I chose to take him down because I was mad. So yeah, if you label Frank Castle a monster, what does that make me? So in a way, I had to, for my own self-image, excuse him to a certain extent. Similarly, with Matt, and this has really been the fun thing to work on, everything that I blame him for, that I think he’s…I think he’s moody, and all over the place, and he’s more interested in taking down the bad guy than his friends, it’s all stuff that I do too. It’s a really nice kind of lack of awareness. Again, this season, all those things I was so mad about, the more separation I have from him, the more that I see I am also like him. Again, that’s where the forgiveness can start to come in.

Your wardrobe is changing, which makes it easier for you to fight. Are you going to be getting in on any of the action?

WOLL: I’m very good at yelling. I will not be a zombie ninja. Karen does still have her gun. That’s an interesting thing and that’s definitely something that we want to be very careful that we don’t inadvertently make some sort of big commercial for guns and things like that. But I enjoy, especially as a female on this series, being able to have that conversation. I thought Punisher was starting to move into those conversations and we definitely have some ideas this year about the gun not representing safety. That Karen, and anyone, can be attacked whether she’s carrying or not. She can save herself whether she’s carrying or not. The gun is not the difference in that situation. In terms of fighting and wardrobe and things, again, I have to say I really enjoy that Karen is not a physical fighter. It suggests that you’re not strong if you don’t fight that way, and I love the fact that because I can’t punch you and win I have to be smarter than you. I have to be three steps ahead of you. So my strength and my super-power is involved in something else. It makes us a better team. If Matt’s the physical force and Foggy is the logical law-abiding piece, then I’m the intelligent, beat them at their own game type of thing. Then we all kind of cover each other’s tracks a little bit. Look, I think Karen is not afraid to get physical. Definitely, when we go back and look at her past we’ll see physical violence is not unknown to her. But I enjoy that it’s not my first instinct. My first instinct is to go, “I know what you’re thinking and I’m going to get there a day before you and prepare everything so that you’re screwed when you get there.” That’s fun for me that it’s a different kind of strength.

I also feel like we want to keep it in character. You don’t want like, all of a sudden she knows martial arts. She is certainly scrappy, willing to fight. But she’s not putting on a suit. If you’re coming at me, sure, I’ll throw a punch or I’m going to duck or I’ll hit you with something. But it’s much more improvised…I was talking with our assistant stunt director who was up shooting with us some interesting stuff for Karen’s backstory. He said it’s really interesting because they do so much trained, exciting acrobatic fights on this that they don’t do a lot of basic domestic violence. Really scary, really realistic fighting. He said it’s really interesting to go back and see that and how real and scary that can be. So if Karen lives in a violent world, it’s that world. It’s the world of, “I can’t throw a punch and knock you out, so that’s not my best solution to this.” I believe Karen’s taken a self-defense course. I believe that I could give you a bloody nose and run, get the fuck out of there because that’s what being smart is. Rather than Matt, who knows how to stay in the fight and win and get his advantage. So I just want to make sure we keep our characters very true.

Has playing a journalist taught you how to navigate questions like these?

WOLL: No, working for HBO and Marvel taught me how to navigate journalistic questions. Actually, my aunt teaches journalism, so I have picked her brain a ton. Even in Punisher, we had the guy who wrote in a threat to the paper. She gave me a lot of information on the Unabomber and how that was handled. Just because I wanted to make sure we really followed the line on it. Obviously, it’s TV and you’re going to have to take some poetic license here and there. But yeah, it’s been nice to play that archetype a little bit. It’s cool.

#daredevil #karen page #kastle #daredevil season 3 #dd S3 #daredevil s3 #matt murdock #foggy nelson #frank castle #deborah ann woll #matt x karen x foggy #karedevil #frank x karen #matt x karen #karen x foggy #daredevil spoilers #netflix marvel #marvel tv

[snowbellewells]

A Fic-aversary and an Apology

Okay, folks, I really hate to do this (and have tried really hard not to up until now) but I am going to have to skip a week on my CSSNS MC “Run to Me (in the Dead of Night)”.  I’ve been really busy with my job, plus lots of crammed weekends running here and there where I didn’t have time to grade or write.  Then, I started feeling like where I was going in chapter ten and on from there needed to deviate from my initial plan, and it just wasn’t going to happen in two days’ time.  I’ve been a couple days late the last two weeks and then it’s even less time to get the next one written, and so on.  So, I really apologize and don’t mean to keep you waiting too long, but it will be next Friday before I have chapter ten for you. What I do have instead is a fic I wrote about a year and a half ago, before I was terribly good at posting on Tumblr that I’m bringing back for a bit of an anniversary. It’s near and dear to my heart, and I would love for more folks to see it.  

Most importantly: It has gorgeous cover art now, which I am just in love with, made for me by @hollyethecurious !!  She really made it more beautiful and eye-catching.  

Anyway, to tide you over until next week (and I hope to also FINALLY update my CSRomCom au again this weekend as well) enjoy “Looking for a Heart (that’s not Walking Away)”!!!

(Liam x Belle multichapter fic, canon divergent from about 5x15/5x16)

(This one was a completely new and different fic attempt for me.  Not only does it go AU from about the middle of 5b, but it changes a lot of what happened with Liam in 5x15, and while some of 5x16 and 5x17 happened, some of it didn’t.  Beyond all that, it’s putting a large focus on characters I haven’t written much before, and one that we really haven’t seen a lot of to characterize in the same way that I can work with say Emma and Killian.  Still, I couldn’t get the idea out of my head, and finally found that I had to give this a try.  It doesn’t explain how everything happened right away, but events will be filled in as the story progresses.  I feel like this is a bit of a mix between canon divergence and AU.  Slow burn friendship/relationship for Belle and Liam; sideline CS and others.  I definitely don’t own them, just having fun imagining.  I’d love to hear what you think!!)

*I will also attempt to add ff.net links to the rest of the chapters at the end...

“Looking for a Heart that’s Not Walking Away”

chapter one: like ships in the night

          In the wee, cold hours of the morning, anyone walking Storybrooke’s town square would have seen only peaceful, vacant storefronts and the dim stillness of a little hamlet still fast asleep; or they would until they reached the library and found one solitary light burning stubbornly in the back of the building.  Most residents and visitors knew the building and the sweet, brunette librarian who kept the place with pride, but even without the whole story, they also knew she had not been the same since her return from the Underworld with the rest of the heroes.  The light burning in the middle of the night, and the large, dark circles under the clearly sleepless woman’s eyes when one saw her in Granny’s Diner the next morning picking listlessly at her pancakes and syrup, were only outward signs of her inner turmoil and pain.  

          This particular night turned earliest bit of morning, Belle Gold sat at the circulation desk, a cup of lavender tea, which she had hoped would soothe her and induce sleep, long gone cold at her elbow, and a large, gilt-edged book open before her.  In her insomnolent state, she had returned to this once-favorite story for help, but instead she found herself wishing to violently rip the pages from its spine, more troubled than ever as she huddled on the high stool pulled up to the counter to perch on as she read and wrapped her dressing gown more tightly around herself against the now-familiar questions swirling in her mind: ‘What did I ever see in this story?’ ‘How stupid could I have been?’ ‘What ever made me think I could influence anyone or be a hero?’ ‘Every attempt I’ve ever made went wrong and only made things worse…’

          Shivering against the drafts of a still-chilly April night and the cold certainty that she was nothing but a fraud; so naively convinced of her pretty ideals but completely ineffectual at doing anything with them when the moment of truth had come, Belle knew rest and peace were far from coming.  A tear ran silently down her pale cheek as she thought of all that had happened – the tangled, progressively darker events which made up her own story – and she sucked in a ragged breath, trying to keep it from turning into the wrenching full-bodied sob she felt rising within her.  Though she had fought so valiantly hard, it would seem her tale could not possibly end in happily ever after now.  All her efforts at love and bravery – at goodness – had turned to dust in her hands, crumbling like the shriveled brown flower Hades had used to taunt her after Gaston’s fall into the River of Lost Souls.  

          The only thing keeping her from falling apart completely, she thought ruefully as one small, graceful hand lowered to rest protectively on her slightly protruding belly was the tiny being she had wished for so long.  This baby should have been a lovely, innocent symbol of her and Rumple’s love, a living hope and second chance – for her husband, and for herself – and now Rumple would never even know his second born child.  Though Belle was not sure what she had left to give this unborn babe, her hope and belief nearly dried up and vanished forever, its growth inside her was what kept her from lying down on the floor of her precious library and never rising again.  All of her gumption, her resolve, her joy, were gone, deserting her as completely as they had ever filled her before, and the fact that her child would need her was all to which she could truly cling.

          Eventually, just as the dark night turned early morning and lightened to grey, and the faintest traces of sunrise began to streak the sky, Belle’s head lowered, the side of her face coming to rest on the printed page of the book she had so loved once upon a time, her impossible, idealized version of a hero pressed to the soft, pale skin of her cheek as she slumped over the counter in a restless sleep…

          As she dreams, she is once more in the Underworld, brought by the man she has tried so hard to win back from the Beast within – the pressing roar in his ear of magic and power – the man who, despite it all, she has never ceased loving, to the very throne of the Lord of the Dead. Rumple’s hand clenches her forearm so tightly it hurts, and she realizes with stark clarity that even the Dark One is no match for a deity.  Rumple is sorely afraid, though he doesn’t let his outward appearance show it.

          From there, the moments progress like an inexorable nightmare.  So soon after her inadvertent actions against Gaston, things already seem hazy and unreal; she can barely comprehend the showdown forming between her husband and Hades. Fire and light shoot back and forth, crashing against one another in the middle and neither attack striking its intended target.

          Winded, panting, nearly falling to his knees with exhaustion, Rumple finally raises a hand in surrender, as she runs to support him and help him back up, seeing the drained former spinner without his precious might and the upper hand.  Putting a bracing hand beneath his elbow, she steadies Rumple as he stands once more and intends to do so as he moves forward, until he turns to her, bringing them to a halt.

          Meeting Belle’s eyes in that moment, Rumplestiltskin’s gaze shows pain and infinite regret; only somewhere beneath those emotions is the love lingering for her, love that she had always wanted to believe would triumph over the Dark One’s lies.  “I am so sorry, Belle.  For so many things…” he whispers brokenly, the back of his hand stroking her cheek as lightly as the mere brush of air in a breath, as if hesitant to hurt her more than he has already. “I have put you through more pain than any love should have to bear…only to have it all come to this in the end.”

          Pulling his gaze away from her face, Belle sees her husband’s eyes slide back to meet the god’s controlled, implacable stare and subtly shifts forward to stand in front of her, partially shielding her from Hades’ view.  Her heart is swept up in pride for him at this moment of real, selfless bravery, even as it then breaks when his next words sink in. “Very well, Hades,” Rumplestiltskin hisses, sounding as reptilian and menacing as Killian has always insisted, his sharp eyes flashing even as he concedes.  “You know that I cannot best you, but with the powers of the Dark One and its immortality, you cannot end me either.  Let Belle and our child go, and I will serve you by finding you a replacement soul, one that will prove much more satisfactory than a mere infant.”

          The silent air crackles around them, and Belle opens her mouth to cry out, “Rumple, no!” and pull him back, both terrified at what the Lord of the Underworld might do, and horrified anew that Rumple could once more offer up another person’s soul as if it were his to barter, even as she had thought for once he was making a heroic sacrifice.  But she feels his fingers curl around her even more firmly, and a tingle runs up her whole arm, holding her in place, words bottled in her throat no matter how she tries to force them out, until she realizes that Rumple is using his magic to hold her back and keep her silent.  Emotions rise in a confusing swirl, and Belle is not sure if she is moved by his desperate bid to protect her or impotently furious at his overriding her free will.

          Hades tilts his head to the side, coming closer as he studies his nemesis calculatingly.  “Let me see,” he mused, wearing a face that gives the sense of bored unconcern, even Belle with no magic or powers beyond human intuition knows the god is toying with his prey – if pressed, she has seen much the same look on Rumple’s face too many times as the Dark One.  “An intriguing proposition,” he drawls out the words slowly, as if tasting the flavor of some delicacy on his tongue, “…but do I believe you?”

          “You would do well to take me seriously,” Rumple vows, iron in his voice and threat on his tongue.  “I may not win, but you will be battling me until the judgment day, neither of us able either to triumph or to pass on.”  He steps forward as well, standing taller with a hint of the malice that shows at the heights of his power, limp nearly unnoticeable as he meets Hades and reaches out his hand.  “You want to take this deal, trust me,” Rumplestiltskin asserts, nearly baring his teeth as he does so.  “I will be your right hand, Hades – if you spare my wife and my unborn child, never to trouble them again.”

          Hades tilts his head, studying the Dark One with amused curiosity as if he is some new species the deity has never seen before. “I’d be a fool to trust you for even a moment,” he replies coolly, “and I know you will only serve me as long as it takes you to find an escape.  Yet…” he takes a moment to muse as if there is no trouble or threat at all, Belle resenting all the while that he can balance all their lives in his hands while appearing not to have a care in the world.  Finally, he gives a quick, decisive nod, his pondering resolved. “If I’ve already gotten what I need from you by then, why shouldn’t I be free of your tiresome, disloyal presence?”

          Belle is sure there is some horrible drawback, some hideous fine print somewhere which has been missed – added to the fact that Rumple is bartering someone else’s soul for their safety – and she hates being forced to stand idly by, no one paying her any mind.  Her husband moves to shake the god’s hand, and she begs silently, regardless of whether either of them can hear, “No, Rumple, please don’t do this!  There must be a better way!”

          Without deviating from his original intent, Rumplestiltskin leans even more toward the Lord of the Dead, not allowing himself so much as a glance at her, solely focusing on Hades, alert for any move or threat from his dangerous adversary.  Their hands meet in between, as if to shake on the arrangement, and a burst of magical power so ground shaking shoots out sparks, tossing both Hades and Rumple apart. It topples Belle to the ground, momentarily blinded by the white hot flash and breathless from the impact, her awareness shattered.  For a time, she knows no more, and when she comes back to herself, she is lying on the moving floor of the library elevator they had taken down to Hades’ inner sanctum, and the door is sliding open to reveal the Underworld’s version of her beloved haunt.  As the lift reaches the top and halts, Belle sees that she is also utterly alone…

          A few scratching sounds and a thump against the outer door of the Storybrooke Library, followed by the sound of something metal picking at the lock, the doorknob rattling, and an accented male voice calling her name hopefully, before the tell-tale sound of the lock clicking free, awakens her just a couple of hours later, still early morning, but light now.  She hears the sound of more than one pair of booted feet striding toward her as she blinks dazedly and surfaces from the flashback-dream and her tormented rest. Shooting upright quickly, hoping they haven’t seen her pathetically asleep where she fell, Belle nearly loses her balance and topples off the stool she’d been perched on.  Wincing at the pain in her lower back from sleeping in such an awkward position, Belle tiredly rubs her eyes and tries to focus on her early visitors.

          Only a second later, she registers Killian Jones’ voice jovially greeting her as he walks toward her across the open entryway and also hears the low, warm chuckle behind him from Liam, his revived older brother.  She had been introduced to him as they were all working together to leave the Underworld, but she has not had much occasion to be around him since, and so she is surprised by his seemingly easy good humor, and the sparkle in his eyes that much resembles the one she’s often seen in Killian as they’ve researched some Big Bad threatening the town or discussed favorite books over lunch.

          Startled, she lets hesitant brown eyes come to meet his friendly, open gaze and gives what she hopes is a welcoming smile as she teases Killian in hopes of keeping his usual perceptiveness from picking up on her disheveled, unhappy state.  “What brings the Jones brothers to my library at the crack of dawn?”

          Killian flashes her a devious wink, before nodding his head to her briefly in a playfully slight bow, “Ah, but wouldn’t you like to know, Lass?” he teases.  His voice is bright and jovial, and there is a happy twinkle in his ocean-blue gaze that has been absent in many instances where she has seen him appear dazed or haunted since his return to life and the world above.  She simply has to return the mischievous grin – happy for this former enemy who has become a true friend, proud of him (though it may not be her place) that he has found the strength Rumple never quite mustered to change for the better, make right the wrongs within his power to mend, and became the man he was always meant to be.

          Tilting her head to study both of the men before her with friendly curiosity, she begins checking in the small stack of books Killian has carried in with him to return.  Liam meets her eyes but doesn’t speak, his smile warm and friendly, but his general bearing more restrained than his younger brother’s.  They certainly resemble each other – well-formed, strong features, straight noses and piercing eyes – but Liam is a bit taller, slightly broader of shoulder, and with fairer hair beginning to grow out enough to show curls that Killian’s straight, dark, shaggy locks don’t possess.

          Deciding to get to know the intriguing man before her a bit better, Belle chooses to ignore Killian’s baiting and glances at his older brother from beneath lowered lashes.  “And what about you?” she asks softly, “Do you enjoy reading as much as Killian does?” For some reason she has to fight a tremor in her voice as the words leave her mouth, and a thrill of nervous awareness racing up her spine as Liam Jones’ lips angle up into a fuller smile.

          “Aye, Mrs. Gold, I do indeed,” he replies, with a succinct, definite nod of his head as he steps closer, right up to the counter of the circulation desk between them, while Killian wanders away into the stacks to look for new volumes.  “We share our love of the written word, ever since I first taught him to read when we were boys, though Killian has always tended more toward daring adventure tales, epic fantasy and the like.  I’m a bit of a history buff myself – love learning how kingdoms rise and fall and how leaders are formed.  There is much to garner from such real events that have come before.”

          Belle bobs her head in an excited nod, warming to the topic as she leans over the counter, absorbed by his words in spite of herself and forgetting the pain and confusion of the dream vision to a more pleasant topic.  “I know exactly what you mean!  There are so many good records, biographies, accounts of battles, journeys, and expeditions – it’s amazing to learn what that must have been like, to imagine traveling alongside such great adventurers when such momentous enterprises were being undertaken.”  She pauses to draw in a breath, having begun to speak quickly in her excitement. Amusement shines in the look Liam Jones levels at her across the desk, but understanding and a sort of relief that intrigues her glows from his expression to warm her as well.

          Belle makes an impulsive decision in that moment, wanting to share something she still loves and finds joy in with someone else who has weathered and survived much and clearly loves it too.  Moving to stand quickly, with the intent to take Killian’s brother to their nonfiction section and show him some of her favorite tomes, Belle forgets for a moment how much her subtly widening stomach throws her off balance and pitches forward as she slips off the stool, then cries out softly as overcorrecting to catch herself pulls at her back painfully.

          Liam is around the counter and at her side in an instant, one hand on her arm to steady her, the other coming to rest at her waist.  “Steady on, Lass.  Easy there,” he murmurs with soothing concern.

          Killian darts back out from where he’d ventured, good arm full of novels and brows pinched together with worry.  “What is it?  What’s wrong?” he asks.

          Belle shakes her head, offering Liam a grateful smile, even as she blushes in embarrassment and also feels warmth flood her at his contact with her body.  She tries to calm both of them – conscientious, old-fashioned, chivalrous gentleman through and through – and step away.  “N-nothing.  I’m fine. Just lost my balance is all. …Th-thank you though, Captain Jones,” she adds sincerely to Liam.  Unthinkingly, she raises her hand to her neck which feels cramped and stiff as well, wincing slightly before she even realizes.

          Killian, observant as ever and an especially intuitive friend when it comes to her, notices her moving gingerly and guesses at her sleeplessness, speaking gently as he touches his metal appendage to her shoulder and impels her to look back up at him simultaneously.  “Still not resting, Love?” he asks, already seeming assured of the answer.  “You’ve been sitting at that counter all night, haven’t you?”

          Sheepishly, the tiny brunette dips her chin to her chest in the slightest of nods, feeling even smaller under the concerned scrutiny of these two tall, strong former naval officers.  It isn’t worth denying the fact; Killian already knows the truth. She had confided in him long ago, even before their trip to Camelot, her sleeplessness from a broken heart.  He is certainly astute enough to realize that the organ is now only more broken.

          What startles her however, is his proper older brother’s reaction.  In interactions, Liam has always been friendly but reserved; now, he ushers her forward, an arm coming around her waist to guide her toward the reading lounge she has set up by the windows and into an overstuffed, comfortable chair. “Milady Belle, sit, please. You’re with child.  You must take care of yourself.”

          She doesn’t fight him, letting him lead her to the seat and settling into it with an actual sigh of relief.  And he surprises her again by kneeling before her and grasping her delicate hand in his much larger one, enveloping it completely. There is an open, earnest look on his face that both soothes and puzzles her as he gazes up into her face and asks her if there is aught else they can do or fetch for her.

          Liam himself doesn’t understand what has come over him as he looks up into the weary, hurting face of this lovely but lonely young woman.  All he is certain of – and he knows he will speak to Killian about why she isn’t sleeping, what she has been through – is the concern for her he feels.  He wants to find out why she is so sad, and to find a way to make it better.  His resolve is firm, even if not fully understood, and he senses the beginning of a new mission, a new adventure.

Link to Chapter Two: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12138837/2/Looking-for-a-Heart-that-s-not-Walking-Away

Chapter Three:  https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12138837/3/Looking-for-a-Heart-that-s-not-Walking-Away

Chapter Four: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12138837/4/Looking-for-a-Heart-that-s-not-Walking-Away

Chapter Five: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12138837/5/Looking-for-a-Heart-that-s-not-Walking-Away

Chapter Six: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12138837/6/Looking-for-a-Heart-that-s-not-Walking-Away

Chapter Seven: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12138837/7/Looking-for-a-Heart-that-s-not-Walking-Away

Chapter Eight: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12138837/8/Looking-for-a-Heart-that-s-not-Walking-Away

Chapter Nine: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12138837/9/Looking-for-a-Heart-that-s-not-Walking-Away

Chapter Ten (Epilogue): https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12138837/10/Looking-for-a-Heart-that-s-not-Walking-Away

Tagging a few who may enjoy (sorry if not, or if you’ve already read it, but thought even previous readers might want to see its new art! ;) : @kmomof4 @searchingwardrobes @winterbaby89 @whimsicallyenchantedrose @effulgentcolors @aloha-4-ever @winterbythesea @hollyethecurious @laschatzi @jennjenn615 @therooksshiningknight @ohmakemeahercules @shireness-says @resident-of-storybrooke @spartanguard @revanmeetra87 @teamhook @vvbooklady1256 @xemmaloveskillianx 

#ouat ff #liam x belle ff #ouat au mc #5b canon divergence fic #cs supporting ship ff #chapter one #anniversary repost #now with fic art

[paene-umbra]

i accidentally deleted the anon for this and i have no idea how to get it back BUT somebody asked me to answer all the questions on the ask meme

END OF THE YEAR ASKS FOR 2018:

(disclaimer: this is going to be so sappy and emotional because I did so many amazing things this past year that I am so incredibly proud of and there will definitely be too much information shared but I don’t care! I can do what I want!)

1. what is one thing you’re very proud of having done this year?

- in 2018 I am proud of cutting my father mostly out of my life. he was the source of so much pain and anxiety and trauma and cutting him out has lifted a huge weight off my shoulders and kickstarted my healing.

2. what is one thing you feel you could have done better?

- I could have done better dealing with friendships. I was so incredibly stressed out for a long time and I let my frustration bleed into my relationship to the point where being around friends and groups was too emotionally draining. I dropped a lot of friends that deserved better and in 2019 I plan on rekindling relationships and giving my friends as much love as they deserve.

3. what do you hope to do better next year?

- since it is already 2019 (whoops) I have a lot of resolutions that I am planning on implementing this year. I am going to put in more effort towards maintaining my mental health while also balancing my classes, work, and friends. I want to get close again to the people I used to be close to.

4. what was something scary you faced and overcame this year?

- in 2018 I started to address a lot of the problems that were contributing to my poor mental health. I began really looking into why I was so afraid of real emotional connection with other people and trying to understand the blockages that were holding me back from being the best version of myself. for the very first time I was able to confront the fact that I have forcing myself to suffer in silence for the sake of my appearance and reputation. for the longest time, I could not stand the possibility of anyone knowing that I was hurting so much because that would have meant admitting that I was being hurt by people who loved me, so I prioritized the way that they felt instead of myself. I tried so hard to pretend that I was stable and well-adjusted because it was easier than confronting the way I let people treat me and all of the hard work that I would have to do to try to heal from my pain. I always thought I had to hide the bad parts of me to be the perfect daughter but hiding something like mental illness doesn’t make the pain magically go away. I’m not a lesser person for being mentally ill. I deserve to be happy and to get the help that I need, and it is not my job anymore to coddle the feelings of the people who hurt me. it was terrifying to admit that I was completely broken for so many years, but I am endlessly proud of finally being able to acknowledge that and start putting myself back together.

5. what did you think would be scary and then was not?

- I thought that speaking in front of crowds was terrifying in theory but after actually having to do it several times for my job, I realized that I have important things to educate people about and that speaking in large groups is the best way to teach them, so being afraid does not help my cause.

6. do you feel like you grew in some way this year? why?

- hell yeah I grew in 2018. I grew enough to be able to put myself before others, to not be afraid of rejection, to push for better treatment, to drop those who hold me back or don’t deserve me, etc…

7. are there people you credit with this growth? who?

- yes, I think that some people helped me to grow. first, I think all the people who hurt me are deserving of the credit towards me developing the strength I needed to drop their negative asses. I also need to give SO MUCH CREDIT to my wonderful boyfriend for showing me what a real man is like and forcing me to deal with everything head-on instead of letting life steamroll me. he is miles ahead of me when it comes to self care but he supports the little steps that I am able to take and he is responsible for so much because of how he lifts me up and encourages me to put in the work. he believes in me and knows that I can and will be better and he has been willing to stay with me as I deal with my issues.

8. what is one piece of advice you’d give other people?

- I think I would tell people that giving up doesn’t fix anything. nothing is solved by letting life overtake you. pushing through when you’re barely keeping your head above water is the hardest thing that you can do. it does not always pay off immediately and sometimes it feels so pointless to keep swimming when it looks like there is water for miles and miles and miles but there is always eventually going to be land. you just have to find it, and I know you can.

9. what was the nicest thing someone did for you?

- his one is hard because my memory is not the best. I can’t think of anything specific but I’m sure that lots of people did lots of nice things for me.

10. who inspires you? why?

- my little inspires me. from the moment she joined my sorority I knew she was special, and as I got to know her and fall in love with her personality, I got so impressed with her and where she is in life in spite of all that has happened to her.

11. what are your main sources of inspiration? why?

- my inspiration mostly comes from people and hearing about the incredible things that some humans have done. hearing about the strength of other people makes me want to be strong.

12. what inspires you more: words, pictures, or music?

- music, for sure. there are so many amazing songs that spark my interest and provoke my thoughts.

13. what scares you, creatively?

- I am not really very creative at all. I think what stopped me from being creative is my fear of rejection. I was so terrified that people would hate me for what I wrote or drew or said that I kept it all to myself and let my creativity die out. maybe someday I will work on rekindling the creative ability, but it is not at the top of my list.

14. what did you enjoy working on most this year?

- my fish! owning bettas gave me something to look forward to doing and gave me an outlet to direct my focus and frustration through. any time I was having a hard day I knew I could look at my lil fishy boys and put my restlessness into caring for them and making sure that they were doing really well.

15. what did you have the most fun doing?

- the most fun I had in 2018 year probably came from being able to live with my roommate/soulmate again this semester. we have had our ups and downs but I love her so much and she is my other half, definitely. she brings out a whole new side of me that lets me be silly and goofy and myself around her.

16. what did you have the least fun doing?

- the least amount of fun in 2018 most likely came from the introspection that I had to do to contribute to my self-care. I did not enjoy the work it took, but I am pleased with the outcome of recognizing what needs to be changed and actually getting to make myself better and happier.

17. what is the best compliment you’ve gotten? why?

- I was recently told “your confidence, happiness, and strength has always inspired me! you’re an incredible human and I’m so thankful to be able to know you” and that was so incredible to hear because I don’t often think about the impact that I have on other people. I never thought I was important enough to influence another person’s life, let alone contribute to making it better in any way. I think it is really nice to know that even when I am struggling, I have the ability to positively impact others.

18. what is the best compliment anyone could ever give you?

- the best compliment would probably be something about how they have seen me grow throughout my years and continuously improve. I am not the best at keeping friends for more than a couple years at a time, so I don’t know if I will ever hear that one.

19. what do you wish people commented on more?

- about me??? I don’t know. I don’t really like other people talking about me lmao but I guess I like hearing people’s first impressions of me and how they differ from how I actually am. those are always fun to learn about.

20. what do you feel is the most underrated thing you have done? why?

- during my high school years, I played therapist A LOT to so many people. I put so much emotional labor into listening to other people and helping them figure out problems or just giving them a shoulder to cry on. rarely was this ever returned by those people, so I felt really used a lot of the time but honestly if I had to do it all over again I wouldn’t change a thing because I want to help people feel better.

21. name (and reblog) at least three things you’ve made this year that you’re proudest of.

- sorry, this one isn’t applicable to me. I don’t really make things or post them to tumblr.

22. what are your goals for next year?

- I plan to stop telling people things that aren’t any of their business. I spent a lot of time keeping everything to myself and when I finally started getting friends I felt like I had to tell them everything about me and my life to keep them interested, but that isn’t true. I need to learn how to keep some things private when they need to be.

I want to rekindle a lot of friendships that I messed up in 2018. I let a lot of people fade out of my life when I should not have.

I want to go to THERAPY!! I want to talk to professionals who can help me structure my path of healing!!!

I want to get more comfortable with the body I’m in. that means wearing less makeup, using fewer snapchat filters and other photo editing techniques, and judging myself less when I wear clothes that maybe aren’t the most flattering. it is okay to be ugly and I am not worth less for not being attractive. I want to stretch more and maybe get into a routine of exercising every now and then to feel better instead of to lose weight. I want to eat healthier and drink more water for my health instead of for the purpose of becoming skinny.

I want to make an effort to be more outgoing and get more involved in my sorority and with my Greek life.

23. name three things you like about yourself – and name one think you like about the person you reblogged this from.

I like my irises! my brown eyes are beautiful and unique no matter what anyone says. My eyes have rings like trees and uneven colors throughout. they are beautiful! I like how soft my hair is and I also like the shape of my lips.

something I like about the person I reblogged this ask from, @makingoutisgreat, is how strong and confident she seems. she is beautiful and she knows it and is not afraid to show it off. it is very inspiring.

#ask meme #long post #personal #laney rants #ask and ye shall recieve

[spaceshipkat]

I don't want to get too political, but with the rise of antisemitism in America, is SJ/M speaking up? She does brag about her amazing grandma, but has she gone any further than that? I saw that KidLit was active about what is happening at the border & wondered if she was doing her part? It often feels like Jewish people are the only ones looking out for Jewish people, & she has such an amazing platform. Is she doing anything with it?

not that i’ve seen, anon. this is actually something i noticed back around the time of the election in 2016. so many authors were speaking up, even in small ways, but sj/m’s voice was notably silent–and i know a lot of authors noticed. many of them spoke up about other authors with big platforms remaining silent, and as many of them were once vocal friends of sj/m’s, i can only assume they were at least partially subtweeting her. i sure as hell was when i tweeted about it. 

and this turned into a really long rant but i was tootling around on twitter earlier and looking at some posts and articles about things going on and i word-vomited so here’s a cut so random passersby don’t get hit with an unwanted kat ramble

it’s a touchy subject, to discuss an author’s personal life, but this is a time when everyone needs to be vocal, especially authors of ya bc they are going to be and already are some of the biggest influences for teenagers. when i was a teen i was absolutely looking to authors as my role models, not only bc i wanted to be an author myself, but bc i enjoyed what they had to say in their books, agreed with it (some of it good, some of it i’ve since learned was bad, bc that’s part of growing up), and would use their words to shape my own outlook on the world. 

it’s a lot of pressure to put on an author, yes, but that’s something that ya authors sign up for the instant they decide to write ya. that’s why i started writing ya–i feel i have things to say that i want teenagers to hear, things that i don’t see a lot of in fiction. that’s why a lot of my friends write ya. they see something wrong in the world, they have a desire to write, and thus they have a platform upon which to speak. that’s why in my current manuscript, i’m using it to dissect the different kinds of violence in America (both about men and toward women) and to also point out how desensitized Americans are to it. 

but i’m rambling, so lemme get back to the point. i looked around on sj/m’s instagram (since that’s her main source of social media connection with readers) and the only thing i noticed was the fact she put a picture on election day back in 2016 to state that she voted. again, i hesitate to speak about an author’s personal life and of course someone can use their own social media accounts however they want, but when it comes to things as important as what’s going on in the very country she lives in, there’s no way we can overlook silence. 

in my opinion, silence equals compliance. it will always equal compliance. 

and when you compare how she’s spoken up versus susan dennard or alex bracken, for example, the difference is blinding. i’m subscribed to all three women’s newsletters, and i remember how often susan and alex mentioned the need to go vote and loudly proclaimed their disapproval of trump. now, their newsletters still bring up important things that are going on in the US and how their readers (the majority of whom are teens) can influence what goes on, which is so goddamn important. i can’t even properly express how important it is that teenagers are shaking off what rose-tinted bullshit they learn in school and beginning to think for themselves. 

susan and alex both have a platform where they can speak up and make a difference, and they utilize that platform. does sj/m? not that i’ve seen, or at least not in any great capacity. and yes, sj/m does have Jewish ancestry, and she does mention that quite often, but i think (as has been explained by a lot of anons i’ve heard from) she uses it as a scapegoat to get out of answering difficult questions about writing craft or writing choices. 

compare all that to one twitter thread i saw the other day. the OP talked about his father being tortured by the Gestapo and what steps he recommended people follow when they want to rebel in any way/shape/form. i’ve spoken up multiple times about my own grandfather, who lived through WWII in Budapest and was “rescued” by the Soviets. hell, i wrote my entire 45-page senior thesis on his experience. i talk about it a lot bc we’re dealing with Russia yet again, and my grandpa and his brother and sister-in-law were denied admittance into the US. no one knew that the Soviets took over Hungary and, in particular, Budapest bc the Soviets had complete control over all communications in Hungary (it was part of the so-called Iron Curtain). it wasn’t until the Canadians went into Budapest that the world finally took notice of how the Soviets had overtaken Hungary, and even then there were still too many roadblocks that resulted in the 1956 Revolution (that my grandpa had to escape from) and the eventual complete takeover and occupation of Hungary by the Soviets. 

the #1 thing my grandpa learned from this experience? act like you belong, and no one will question it. he learned it from his brother, who, during WWII, dressed as a Soviet officer to help Jewish people escape from Budapest (it’s worth noting that my great-grandfather was a well-known officer in the Hungarian army, and so my grandpa and my great-uncle were wanted by the Soviets in the 50s bc they were the right age to train to be Soviet soldiers). 

the fact we even have to talk about this in 2018 is levels of fuckery i can’t even really comprehend. i live in the US and every day i’m terrified of waking up to a new atrocity, and the worst part of it is that i’m no longer surprised when my concerns are met. i know i’m relatively safe bc i’m white, but i’m bisexual, i’m disabled, and i’m first generation. my mom is a Canadian with a green card (though she’s white, so she’s definitely still safer). trump has reverted the US back to every fucked up ideal i hoped we’d gotten over, and the worst part of all of this is that we fucking let it happen. hell, after the election in 2016, my younger sister told me that the reason she’s still friends with her trump-supporting best friend and her best friend’s then-boyfriend now-husband was bc it was safer for my sister–as a bisexual young woman–to have a trump-supporting friend than a trump-supporting enemy bc we already have enough of those. i just. i can’t. the logic is sound but i just. insert a gif of a brain explosion. 

but to get back on topic yet again, i talk about what my grandpa went through to raise awareness. tor ekeland (the guy on twitter) talks about it to raise awareness. susan dennard and alex bracken talk about it to raise awareness. we all have platforms, no matter how big or small, and we use them to talk about and draw attention to things that are important in this country, that will affect the future of this country and even the world at large, that we will have to fight to overcome in every goddamn sense of the word. 

but does sj/m? not that i’ve seen, and her silence speaks volumes. 

#ask #anonymous #anti sjm #racism #antisemitism #us politics #kat rambles #sorry about this rant