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sanflwrx · 5 years

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On the subject of

OTSO: New year, worse me? -- Jan 2024

I haven’t been feeling like myself lately.

Normally, I’m driven, optimistic, and filled with energy. Lately I’ve felt lost and overall just burnt out. Now, I know a large part of it is because I would typically work 60-72 hours a week...but it’s more than just being “over worked”.

I feel so uninspired. lazy. and filled with self hate. i’ve been calling off work so much..and getting in rather late all the time that the first few hours of work are filled with me berating myself. I used to want to go to FNP school...but now that I’m working more, I don’t want to be more responsible than I already am. As much as I like puzzle pieces, I don’t want to be a part of pushing medications/people into something that’s largely lifestyle choice...or if it’s not...to be a part of something that makes their life worse. what if i don’t catch something?

I remember that when i was in nursing school, I promised myself that all the things I held back on would be something I would pour some energy on once I was done. Things like learning a new language, getting into a physical or artsy activity, traveling more...but now there’s “no time” for that.

I’ve gained so much weight, haven’t exercised consistently in weeks, and eating healthy has been such a drag...i used to meal prep and exercise even when i worked a lot but living at home where there isn’t any space for me..or that people eat my food when im not home...it’s just too much.

but i can’t keep looking at how easy it was to be myself when i lived a lone.it’s impractical to do that when rent is so high and i’m hardly home anyway. i was just so happy...what can i do now?

i’ll return to my planner days and stick to a schedule as much as possible...

i can do this.

i can feel like me again.

OTSO: Turning 32-- Oct 2023

Five to six years ago, a woman told me that 32 was the age things started making sense. It wasn’t some magical thing that happened overnight, it wasn’t that at the stroke of midnight on her 32nd birthday things fell into place...no. She just had this gut feeling that she knew who she was and that she had to set boundaries. With boundaries, life made more sense. I still think about her from time to time, and more so now that I’m turning 32 in two weeks. I just want my life to make sense to me. I left a lot of relationships these last two years. It was hard giving and knowing that I couldn’t even get the basic sense of respect from them. I grew tired of fighting to be cared for properly so...I left. Abruptly, and without decency or kindness, I left. I did not explain myself...How could I with the betrayal I felt sitting on my chest. With this said, I do find myself a bit lonelier because of the boundaries I set up. I’m trying to hold on to the adage that with the right person/people I don’t have to ask for the basics.

OTSO: On My Money Hungry Era --May 2023 Can’t tell if I’ve always been like this-- some version of money hungry--but perhaps? I’ve always worked 40+ hours a week, but not consistently as I am now with full-time CHLA and USC, but the hunger now feels different. Are my values still in alignment to as to why I even started doing this?

This thought came up when I was talking to Becca about our R&R hours. We are allotted 8 hours of extra pay between the two of us, but we only claim 2 hours total. I suggested we split it up to maximize the opportunity, and I could hear how money hungry I was. This feeling of shame was solidified when I said “i sound so money hungry right now” and she knodded, saying “yes you do”

The shame feels weird to have because I don’t think I’m money hungry in the same sense I’ve grown up associating this phrase with. I won’t step on others to get what I want, I know that much about myself...but why did I still feel shame? I know I put in more hours in R&R than I claim, and I brought it up to Becca so that we could split the hours...but this lingering taste in my mouth is awful.

My whys for the money have been: to retire my mom so she can stay home with Sean, send my dad off to the Philippines (if he’d let us), pay off my student loans, and get my dream home.

My why’s to not burning out show in how patient I am with my patients. How I know I deliver as excellent of care I can in 12 hours. I feel appreciated by pts...but why does the word money hungry still feel weird? why does wanting to go per diem at CHLA to maximize my gains feel so selfish?

Can a therapist help me answer these questions?

OTSO: Transvaginal Ultrasound-Guided Follicule Aspiration-- Dec. 2022

I found an old file I kept for egg donation when i was 23. I remember how lost I was (with my academic woes, romantic mishaps, filial failures, existential crisis to boot) but also, how gleaming my eyes would get when an opportunity to help someone would arise. I guess I’m still the same, but also, I can easily etch out the differences.

Crazy to think that almost a decade later that I get to go through this process with someone I’ve gotten close with. Grateful that I know that this is someone who will bring a child into a safe and loving home.

The day to day leading up to TUGFA was a lot harder than I thought it’d be. I felt so much brain fog and emotional instability in taking those hormonal injections. I felt so heavy, inflated, and ugly but also, I learned so much about myself and all the gratitude that comes with having a body that can at this time. I’m hopeful that out of what was taken from me that at least one will become the baby they’ve hoped for.

No one’s asked me, but I hope s/he is kind the way I am. Crazy, stupid, foolishly kind because in this way they know that they won’t regret who they are in life (or at least I’m not lol).

OTSO: Things have its time-- Aug 2022

It almost feels as if life’s coming together. Although it’s not fitting the timeline I expected, nor unfolding at the most opportune way, it’s happening:

+ I get to work at CHLA and not feel so strapped about money

+ I get to work at my dream hospital, Keck USC at Float Pool with my bestie

+ I get to donate my eggs to someone I know truly wants children and would actually be a good mother

Crazy to think that this is what I’ve been wanting for almost a decade and now I get to live the dreams of my younger self. I feel so much gratitude that this is the life I get to live right now. Things really do feel as though they have its time. I wouldn’t have met B had I gotten thru my checklist in order, would never had worked at HUCLA...and yet here we are.

///

Although I would prefer not to move back home with my family like this (the ideal version would be building a house with the opening toward Blue Hill Drive so that I have my own privacy, build equity, yet still be close to my family) I don’t mind it for now. If working 6+ days a week with no concrete time to see Bowen is going to be happen for about 2 years, whats the point of renting out a room that I am hardly in? I’m stubborn about my independence (after all, i worked hard for this) but i wont toss away more money than i already have. I said I would come back in a year...so here’s to being 3 months late, haha

OTSO: Why she want that bag 💰 -- Feb 2022

Once in awhile, a new face will ask an old question: why do you work so hard, or, what will that much money get you, won’t you make a lot of money as a nurse (hahahaha)?

At first I gave the genuine yet generic answer of “to take care of my family”. Yes, all expense paid trips for my family, paying for therapy for everyone at home, paying off my mom’s loans (and more), getting a nurse to come help Sean with ADLs and PT, and sending my dad with help to the Philippines is the golden goal, but what I mean by this is this: I want my expenditures to be so inconsequential that if someone in my home becomes sick, I can be at their bedside as their personal nurse. I want to be able to up and go on hiatus from my job but have streams of steady income so that I can focus my life on what matters to me: my family.

But this, perhaps more idiosyncratic idealisms that’s inherent in my heart is to work at bedside, to be an educator/resource in my community is the greatest reason of them all. I want a side hustle that pays for me to be a nurse with no worries. I want to be at the bedside/clinic and honestly think to myself, I am here for you, I am not here to put food on the table. I loved working at CHLA for all the reasons except this: I needed money. I want to come back when money ain’t a thing for me.

P39 has been this nagging, pleading, and irrevocably loud voice in my head that permeates into my nightmares--but not in a bad way. It’s triggered the artistic side of me, the intrapreneurial side that conjures up ways to create a shift on the paradigms we have abided by for so long. We can give without it being political/have ulterior motives.This is perhaps my great “why”--to give altruistically in a way that’s my own (although, I won’t say this is what true altruism is).

I’m going to get that cash, this paradigm is mine.

OTSO: Baby Names-- April 2020

No one’s really asked, but I’ve been thinking of baby names lately. Specifically, my future baby’s names if I had any. I’ve always liked the name “Maverick”. If you didn't already know, this is a real word which basically means “trailblazer” or “someone who makes their own path”. I hope my child learns early on that while I might guide them as best I can, ultimately their life is theirs to choose and I’ll care for them either way. The other name is Jules/Julie. Simple, pretty, and honestly an extension of me. I’ve had the pleasure of being referred to as a treasure lmao. So if i’m the treasure, my child is the jewel. aka this is just cheesy and I just like the name. welp. honestly naming my child Josephine is an option too. I like my mom��s name, and I love my mom.

OTSO: Angel-- March 2020

I definitely didn’t think too much of it growing up, but the word “angel” used to get associated with me a lot.

“She never complains/she’s so helpful/forgiving/kind, what an angel”

they’d say.

Now, it’s “I used to think that you were such an angel”. I can’t help but feel like I’m a disappointment, or that I’ve fallen so far from grace.

But if I think about it, that’s not quite how I would define an angel. What I used to be was passive. What I used to be was someone who’s giving wasn’t giving; it was a coping mechanism so I wouldn’t hate myself so much. I kept tally of how much I’ve done, balancing it against yours. My side always needed to weigh a little more.

Nothing was for free.

While I wouldn’t say I’m an angel now (not that I ever did), I can say that I can still be helpful/kind/forgiving, but only at the right times, to the right people.

Balance is, and always will be, key.

thxforcomingtoaTEDtalkudidntask4

OTSO: I feel vs I am-- Sept 2019

I firmly believe that the way we speak to ourselves finds its way into the very marrow of our lives. Yesterday, I kept saying “I’m stoopid” in my head. Next thing you know, I scribbled it on the side of paper. I felt so low and despondent over some exterior thing that honestly doesn’t really matter.

I am healthy and capable, but the “I am’s” I repeated to myself was that which contradicted the truth. The truth is “i feel stupid”. This is different. Feelings are transient, malleable, fallible, and an impermanent feeling of impairment. “I am’s” stand on its own, even with our eyes closed, backs turned, vulnerable to the opinions of vultures.

I am someone who has control over my life--what a privilege, one i choose to never take for granted.

OTSO: Dying alone-- June 2019

Being at a high acuity hospital with terminally ill patients is difficult to say the least, but what hurts the most is to see them suffer alone. I never thought too much about it because of my privilege of being surrounded by friends and family in my health, but a lot of these people have no one--no one visiting them, no one checking up on them, and in some cases, no one to come home to when they’re “better”.

This has me thinking of my own end of life situation because I’ve always envisioned myself as not wanting to burden anyone (especially financially) with worry, but I didn't think too much about how lonely it would be.

I know that in love, there is no burden, but there’s still that stubborn, self-centered martyr in me that would probably not tell anyone I was dying of some terminal disease. What do I do? Because now, there’s a part of me that’s scared of experiencing my last days on my own, even if death is an individual experience and funerals are for the living. We are all going to die alone anyway (in a metaphysical sense).

But yeah, I’m not saying I’m going to try to have a family so I don’t die alone, but it’s just a thought. I really want to give better care, not out of pity, but I do think that every life deserves to be cared for, and hopefully, in this process, I learn how to let go of my ego.

#gonna add edits and not spam my blog with these thotthoughts #thotthoughts #onthesubjectof

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