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lilyblackdrawside · 11 months

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Danmaku as a genre is pretty difficult to get into. Danmaku games tend to be very arcadey, so unless you’re clearing them you’ll spend a lot of time getting beat up in the first half, which isn’t very fun. It takes quite a while to get the hang of it and to develop a sense for how things work. There are a lot more danmaku games outside of Touhou, but that’s what I know and what I want to talk about. No wasps and screens full of purple here. Not usually, anyway. I’ll go over some general pointers for people new to the genre and then evaluate each game according to how good of an entrypoint it is.

General pointers

1. Play your runs out. Don’t get caught up constantly resetting on stage 1 or 2 just because a small thing went wrong. You’ll start getting frustrated and make more mistakes out of impatience, but equally as important is that you won’t get to see the later parts of the game and won’t get familiar with them.

There are a lot of skills that are generally applicable across any danmaku game, but a very big part is learning what each one throws at you. Enemy formations, the way they attack you, spellcards and such all are things to learn on a case by case basis. Not everything is a blind-run-killer, but you’ll do better if you just play your runs out. I know how bad it feels to get hit in a dumb way at the end of stage one, but unless you’re routinely losing your run on the final bits of the final boss, just keep going.

2. Use your bombs. Just use them! If you have no bombs in stock you can die in peace. All of the games (Great Fairy Wars aside) give you two bombs back when you die, most of them reset you down to two if you have more. Once again, I know that „I could’ve captured that spellcard“ „I could’ve cleared that part of the stage without a bomb“, but you didn’t, didja? I died. You died. We all died. Use your bombs. I have to remind myself of this too.

3. Don’t start with a homing shot-type. Not a dig at people who like Reimu, but homing shots will instill bad habits and depedencies in you.

Homing shots have the obvious and wonderful upside of hitting enemies anywhere on screen without missing. (Reimu’s anyway. In Windows anyway. Mostly.) This allows you to play very defensively, since you don’t have to worry about where the enemy is.

However, proper movement and positioning is an ever present part of these games. Aggressive as well as defensive movement is key, you can’t always be retreating. If you get too used to homing shots, you’ll develop a habit of lingering at the bottom of the screen or even worse, in a corner. You want to fight for the center, since it gives you the best options for evasion and allows for the quickest reactions.

Another issue with homing shots is their auto-targeting nature. You can’t control them, so you lose agency over what you want to attack.

During the stage portions you can eliminate a lot of the danger by predicting where enemies come from and taking them out asap. Homing shots make this more difficult, since they’re noticeably weaker and tend to be a bit unfocused when there are multiple enemies on screen. I advise to go with either a spreadshot or a forward focus shot to start with. Both have their obvious strengths and weaknesses which also depend on the character they’re on.

If we look at someone like Reimu, who has rather lackluster speed, then picking a focused shottype will give you a harder time with small fry during stages, but Marisa with her high speed can compensate for her narrow range by being able to arrive at key points quicker.

4. Don’t feel bad about using Continues. Getting a bad ending can feel discouraging, but at least you got to see the whole game! These games are about repeatedly going at them to get better and there’s nothing better for that, than actually seeing the entire game.

5. Don’t feel bad about playing Easy Mode. I’m from a time where there was a huge stigma around it that heavily discouraged people from starting out on it. I personall have little to not experience with it, my only stints into it being pacifist runso f EoSD and IN where it felt like absolutley nothing was going on, but I’m fairly sure that that was just my own bias and that more recent games have well-designed Easy modes. I started on Normal and I... turned out fine, but you don’t have to force yourself.

Game Evaluation

I will go over these games not mainly for how „easy“ they are, but how good of a teacher I think they are. Starting with the tenth game, the relevance of game-specific gimmicks has only been going up, so each game will ask slightly different things of you and as such also helps you develop certain skills better.

Touhou 1: Highly Responsive to Prayers:

This is not a shmup. It is a danmaku game though. But given that it’s the only one of its kind, it won’t help you with the overall gameplay, aside from getting used to visually detecting patterns in enemy attacks. It’ll also improve your ball-handling skills, which is relevant if you want to stick with Reimu for the most part.

It’s danmaku breakout with martial arts. A good game, I enjoy it a lot, but entirely its own beast.

Touhou 2: Story of Eastern Wonderland:

This one has issues. Mainly that you can’t pick Marisa. I’ll be frank, don’t play this one until a bit later. Between having to mash the fire key to get maximum attackspeed and not having a focus button, it’s just incredibly outdated. Still a fun game, but easily the least-recommendable.

Touhou 3: Phantasmagoria of Dimensional Dream:

The first of the Phantasmagoria games, VS shmups.

Very similar case to Touhou 1. Both this game and PoFV want similarly different things from you than the regular shmup titles. There are general skills to be learned here, but don’t go for it yet.

Touhou 4: Lotus Land Story/Touhou 5 Mystic Square:

Well this one has Yuuka, so you have to play it first. Not counting the overall jank of the PC98 games, this one is actually pretty alright. It’s fairly easy and has no gimmicks. It’s kind of the EoSD of PC98 in that way.

I’ll lump Mystic Square in with this one too, since both of them have Yuuka, since they play pretty much identically. If you want to hop into the PC98 games first (which I won’t recommend, but I also won’t tell you not to) then either of them are equally viable as an entrypoint.

Touhou 6: Embodiment of Scarlet Devil/Touhou 7 Perfect Cherry Blossom:

Both of these are similar enough that they can go together.

EoSD doesn’t have a visible hitbox when you focus and is overall a bit more difficult than PCB.

Both of them have a very similar feel to them, and the same goes for Imperishable Night. All three of the first generation Windows games are „like that“. As old as they may be by now, they don’t feel dated. It’s not like they feel sluggish or anything, they look good too, they’re just simpler.

Okay, there is a bit of a discrepancy in the hitboxes of certain bullets when looking at EoSD , such as the infamous Metal Fatigue orbs (never felt weird to me), The Bubbles and knives, but if you’re not used to the later ones then it’s not like you have a point of reference. The trick with the knives is to look at their aura, not their body.

One big point that goes for these is that you can set your starting Extends higher or lower. Don’t know why that never came back, to be honest. It’s a good tool for starting out. Don’t feel bad for making use of that feature.

As for unique mechanics, EoSD has the „rank“ system, where until you die, enemy attacks become more dense up to a cap. It resets when you die (or deathbomb), but don’t worry about it. I really shouldn’t even bring this up, because it’s not significant.

PCB has the very significant Cherry system. As you attack enemies and pick up Cherry items, the meter fills and when it hits 50000, you get a temporary barrier that protects you from one hit. You can also press the Bomb button to manually detonate it for a screen clear. This is also extremely relevant for scoring, but don’t care about that. Don’t worry about going LNNN just yet.

Touhou 8: Imperishable Night:

You’ve heard of this one. It’s the old standby: „Oh, you want to get into Touhou? Best to start with IN!“ (Do people still say this? Probably.)

It’s true, pretty much. But a bit outdated as well, by now.

IN is very easy. Affectionately easy. This is largely due to its special bomb system, where you have a much larger window for „deathbombing“, at the cost of using 2 of your stocked bombs for a stronger one.

Deathbombing is the act of using a bomb within a very narrow window as you get hit. You’ll already have heard the impressionate death sound if you pull it off, but it’s really not something you can regularly do on reaction. I can sometimes do it on purpose by running into a bullet and timing my press with it, but there’s no point to that (outside of resetting Rank in EoSD and previous games).

You shouldn’t even be able to deathbomb under normal circumstances, since you’re diligently using all of your bombs in advance, right? Right.

Anyway, since IN is so lenient with it, you can pretty much count your bombs as an extra stock of Extends. It’s not noticeably more or less difficult than EoSD or PCB otherwise. Another part that makes this one easier to play is the Spellcard Practice system. Stage Practice has existed since EoSD, but Spellcard Practice lets you tackle individual Spellcards as much as you like (not the nonspells though, could really use that for certain ones). It’s a great system, but don’t spend all your time in it. Go outside every now and then too. And by that I mean, do some actual runs as well.

But even aside from the ease of playing through it, I can give high recommendations to this one as a first game simply because of how iconic and important to the series it is. It has a great atmosphere, a wonderful cast of playable characters (my favourite is the Ghost Team) and great stage designs. It’s also quite expansive for the kind of game it is, with its unlockable Last Word spells and multiple routes.

Touhou 9: Phantasmagoria of Flower View:

Just like its older Phantasmagoria sibling, I won’t recommend this one as a first for the exact same reason. It is functionally identical in the here relevant ways, just plays better on account of not being a PC98 game.

Touhou 9.5 - Shoot the Bullet:

The Photo games are excellent to get into the series with, on account of their bite-sized nature.

Many people are turned off by the all-or-nothing nature of these arcade games. If you die on Stage 6 you’ve just lost everything. Nothing’s gained, at least on the surface. You gained personal experience and the joy of having played the game to that point, but a lot of people like something more tangible.

With the photo games all you have to do is clear a scene and it’s cleared. You get a lil marker, a comment from Aya and feel good about it.

Of course, it’s basically all boss-fights. Glorified Spellcard Practice and you don’t even shoot. Well, you do shoot. You don’t shoot bullets, but you shoot the bullet(s).

However, having a camera on hand that allows you to simply erase enemy attacks may seem like cheating and not transferrable to „regular“ gameplay.

What you learn here is breaking out of a defensive situation by seizing a gap in the enemy attack at the right time, as well as planning ahead and playing around with different speeds.

Aya’s camera takes a good while to charge, so you have to bide your time. You’re completely freed of the burden of having to attack the enemy, so you can just be anywhere on screen, even above them. Attacks are designed to work with this and this will also get you more used to the unorthodox patterns of timeout spells (something I wish we had more of in recent games).

However, when your camera is charged, you have to weave in to get a good shot. Ideally you start getting a move on so it’s charged just when you need it. That’s the timing aspect. You can of course telescope a shot, but that’s usually more dangerous in the end and can easily leave you with too low a score for a proper clear. (Yeah, this time we do care about score.)

You also learn a lot of about pattern and enemy movement recognition by aiming for high-score shots. Getting a higher score shot also gives you a quicker recharge for the camera, so it’s a good habit to build.

There’s a lot to learn with StB and even aside from that, it’s a great game and I will recommend all of the photo games to newcomers.

Touhou 10 - Mountain of Faith:

Mountain of Faith starts the second generation of Windows games. (PoFV was the bridge, by introducing the new base-shot that everyone still uses to this day.)

Ever since this game, Reimu’s and Marisa’s movement speeds have been set in stone. Reimu was even slower in the previous games, somehow, but now it’s all uniform.

It also introduces a new Power and - more importantly - Bomb system. As well as a different style of Continues that sticks around until UFO. For these three reasons I won’t recommend this one to start with.

MoF is one of the easier games, from the perspective of someone who already has basic experience with them. With proper judgement and resource management you can very consistently clear this game with little effort, but new players won’t have either of these.

Your bombs are tied to your Power - using a bomb makes your shot weaker. Bombs are also incredibly powerful and when used right, can instantly gain you all that Power right back, but if you slip up you can easily fall into a spiral of losses with this system.

The new Continue system is also an issue, since it sets you back to the start of the current stage with 2 Extends and full Power. Chances are, you won’t be able to get past the later stages like that and wear yourself out trying to get out of a difficult spot. It’ll also feel bad to give up, because you got so far and all you have to do is clear this last stage, you’ll get it eventually right? Well, mostly you’ll get fatigued and would’ve cleared the game by restarting and reaching Stage 6 with 5 Extends instead.

Touhou 11 - Subterranean Animism:

Do not start with this one. Don’t play it second or third either.

This is arguably the best game in several aspects, but it also wants you dead.

The way Extends work in this game rewards you for not dying and punishes you for getting hit. You get Life-fragments by clearing a boss-phase without losing an Extend. Five fragments make an Extend, but that’s where the problem lies.

People who need those Extends are those who die during boss phases, so those who lose are only punched down even harder. It is quite thematic, but not condusive to new players.

It’s quite a shame, really, since this game has an outstanding OST even by Touhou standards (It has the best Stage 6 theme in the series.), very fun and inventive shot-types and incredibly enjoyable bosses, but the Extend system combined with the way Power, Bombs and Continues work having been carried over from MoF makes it really rough.

Touhou 12: Undefined Fantastic Object:

With a heavy heart, I also have to advise steering clear of this one for the start. I’m actually not that fond of UFO, but I like the weird shot-types it has on offer.

However, it’s notorious for having some of the hardest fights (together with SA), still has the same Continue system, but at least goes back to separating your Bombs into their own resource.

If it was just that, I wouldn’t so harshly push you away from this one, but UFO has a big gimmick, that being the UFOs. These will show up all over the place and by picking up three of them, you summon a big UFO that sucks up all the items and releases them with a bonus when you shoot it down.

This is great if you can manage it, but there are many aspects that make it difficult to manage.

There are four types of UFO: Red (Extends), Green (Bombs), Blue (Points) and Rainbow (Points/Utility). You get the mono-colour ones by collecting three of the same colour and you get a Rainbow one by collecting one of each. Rainbow swaps the items it sucks up to their opposite (Power <> Points), which can be exploited to quickly shoot up your shot power or gain more score. It also spits out two flashing UFOs upon destruction. The mono-colour ones each do what you expect and also drop a small UFO of their colour upon destruction.

But since the small UFOs bounce around all over the screen and will never go all the way down, you have to actively put yourself in danger to collect them. Now, this is something that I would count as a point in favour of UFO. Coaxing new players out of the perceived safety of hugging the bottom of the screen is a good thing, but it just doesn’t work too well here.

Flashing UFOs cycle between the colours every few seconds, you have to pay attention to the ones you have, you’ll feel rushed to pick up a flashing one before it changes, then you also have to deal with the actual summoned UFO or it escapes before you shoot it down, you might also have summoned it during an inopportune time for one reason or another and then the stages are incredibly rough on top of it all. It’s a whole mess.

It’s just too much.

Touhou 12.5 - Double Spoiler:

You know what it is, photo game time. Same deal as StB, reread that one if you want.

The flavour of these games is wonderful, with the commentary provided by Aya (and an at this point probably not so mysterious anymore unlockable second character) for each scene.

Oh and of course it has Deep Fog Labyrinth. Get used to it.

Touhou 12.8 - Great Faily Wars:

Yeah, we’re doing .8 now. We had a .3 too, but that’s a fighting game.

Fairy Wars is a rather gimmicky game that leans fully into its Freezing mechanic. You play as Cirno, so naturally regular old bullets are too weak to hinder you. You just freeze them. In a sense it’s similar to the photo games, but here you rely on the freezing mechanic to generate openings and deal heavy damage at the same time.

It can be quite difficult if you don’t know when to hold it for the right moment during stages.

I really like this game, but don’t start with it. It’s very different in good ways, but not condusive to learning regular gameplay.

Touhou 13 - Ten Desires:

My baby... This one has Yuuka! This game is quite divisive. Or used to be, I don’t know if anyone even cares about it these days.

I have a lot to say about TD, but the important thing is that Sanae sucks in this one. it’s very rigid and stingy.

The way you gain Extends and Bombs in this game is by collecting Pink and Green souls dropped by special enemies. These appear in special waves and more will appear if you shoot them down quickly.

This naturally favours strong, focused shots, but TD also introduced the „Combined Arms“ system that we’re still mostly running with. Reimu now comes equipped with both Needles and Homing Amulets, for her focused and unfocused shot respectively. Marisa has Missiles and NON-PIERCING lasers in the same way. Sanae aside, everyone has strong single-target damage here.

This by itself is fine, but the crux of the matter is the Trance System.

You have a Trance Gauge that fills up to three stages and gives you a period of time after death where you’re invincible and strengthened. When time expires, so do you. This mode also increases the value of all spirits you collect during it, specifically it doubles the value of Pink and Green ones.

If you fill the gauge fully, you can manually trigger a Trance instead of having to die for it, so you can make use of your invincibility and increased power to shoot down all of the extra resource fairies and gain double from their drops.

However, it takes quite a while to fill the Trance Gauge and dying obviously uses it up, so taking a hit in the wrong spot will cost you more than just that one Extend, it also costs you a hefty chunk of future resources, of which you won’t gain many even if everything goes as planned. To fill the gauge you have to gather regular spirits. These come in blue and grey variants, with the grey ones only showing up when you shoot enemies down quickly after they appear on screen, leading to you having to pretty much memorize the entire game and making it so you can’t afford to ever drop in Power, because then you get fewer greys, so you’ll miss a critical Trance and so on.

That’s why I called it rigid. You pretty much have to plan out all of your Trance and Bomb uses in advance to make the most of everything.

This was the game where I had my first Lunatic 1cc in and on the run I did it, I had my first death on the final Spellcard of the Stage 5 boss. (Was pretty annoyed by that, since I had a perfect record on that one otherwise.) Even so, I pretty much barely scraped by.

It also has some questionable stage design, with enemies being very intent on ramming into you and coming from very unorthodox angles.

Now, this might sound very dire but on lower difficulties it’s not that bad.

I won’t give a strong recommendation either way, I just wanted to talk a bit longer about one of my favourite games in the series.

OH an amazing thing this game (this one as well as Fairy Wars) does that I REALLY NEED to get more of is mid-battle banter. Miko talks to you halfway through the fight and during one of her spellcards, Futo and Tojiko dance at you menacingly while taunting you.

Touhou 14 - Double Dealing Character:

Another of my favourites!

I heavily recommend this one to start out with.

Its difficulty is pretty middle of the road. Some might scream at me for attempting to throw people into the game that has Seija as the Stage 5 boss, but come on. She’s not even close to being the worst of the lot, even just looking at past games. Seija is fine. Get over it, just flip your controller or something. (The actual trick is to only move 1-dimensionally while you’re flipped.)

Anyway. The reason why I recommend this one is something I touched upon during the UFO segment:

It makes you move up the screen.

Something that’s existed since EoSD is the Autocollection Border. If you move to the top of the screen all items on screen will be drawn to you at maximum value.

This is DDC’s key resource mechanic. If you touch the border and gather enough items in doing so, you get a bonus. Small bonuses cycle between Bomb and Life fragments in a certain pattern and if you get a big bonus you get a guaranteed Life fragments. Three fragments make an Extend or a Bomb.

Because of this you will have to learn to find openings to hit the border and this is entirely transferrable to all the other games. You might think that the border is only good for score runs, but a lot of games have items that you really want to pick up either way. Be this just the Power items, but also Extends, Bomb items, PCB’s Cherry items, WBaWC’s Life/Bomb fragments that drop from Trance. Getting confident at using the border is a very good and most importantly fun skill to have. It just feels really good!

But it’s not just about the border. By getting confident with the border, you also get more confident in aggressively moving around the screen in general.

DDC teaches you an incredibly important skill and there is no better time to learn it than now.

Pick any of the shot-types. Maybe don’t start with Marisa B, because she’s the strongest shottype in the entire series. Also don’t start with Sakuya B because she’s Sakuya Bad.

Reimu A is really funny because she has a huge mop. (I know. It’s a mop.)

Touhou 14.3 - Impossible Spellcard:

Photo game! ...kind of. It takes the Scene layout of the photo games but you don’t have to take photos. You still can, of course, but this is closer to regular boss fighting.

In that sense it’s even better for entering the stage and it’s also really fun to cheat.

Being Seija is fun. By virtue of the premise it also has some of the most bullshit Spellcards in the series, that feel so fun to laugh at for how stupid they are. You’re going to die a lot, but it feels really good.

Touhou 15 - Legacy of Lunatic Kingdom:

I don’t like this game. Don’t play this game until you have a good amount of experience.

It all comes down to Point Device Mode: Point Device Mode is the intended way to play the game, where it sets checkpoints during the stage and after each phase of a boss where you will get set back to when you take a hit. You’re basically forced to perfect each part from checkpoint to checkpoint (It has to do with the plot, don’t worry about it.), aside from the fact that you can still use bombs.

Now, this might sound really good. It’s after all what I praise the photo games for so much! However, here’s what’ll happen:

You’ll clear the first three stages mostly fine.

You enter stage 4. You struggle a bit, but make it to the boss. You spend half an hour on beating Sagume, but you make it.

You enter stage 5.

You’ve been in stage 5 for an hour. Your spirit breaks as you reach Clownpiece.

You’ve been in stage 5 for two hours. You reach Clownpiece’s final spellcard.

You’ve been in stage 5 for two and a half hours, you enter stage 6. Lousy clown.

You’re worn out, but you can’t quit now. You’ve put in so much effort after all. So much time. If you quit now, you’ll have to do it all over gain.

You can’t beat Junko. You just can’t handle her.

You can’t leave.

This game will grind you down with its checkpoint system.

It’s a shame, really. When this game first came out, I cleared it, got upset about how „absolutely dogshit this game is“, went into the Extra Stage, seething, just to take a look, didn’t make it to the boss and never turned the game back on.

Until a few years later.

I decided to give it another shot, it can’t be that awful.

It was that awful. I still hated the main game.

But this time I gave the Extra Stage an earnest shot and I loved it.

LoLK has one of the best EX Stages in the series. This is in part due to it not having Spellcard Practice. It’s a wonderful tool, but it’s difficult to not use it and in clearing LoLK’s without having access to it, I re-realized the beauty of it all.

It took me a good while, partially due to me having used Sanae as the character to clear the main game with. I didn’t know she was that bad. I hadn’t known until after I cleared EX. She does no damage. Just, no damage. They massacred my girl.

Anyway, the EX Stage does not use Point Device Mode. Because of plot. and THANK SHINKI it doesn’t. The stage design is leagues ahead of the main game because it adheres to the regular resource system. You can play the main game in „Vintage Mode“, but if you do, you see just how insidious it is. You won’t even get a good ending unless you clear without taking a single hit (because of plot reasons).

LoLK’s EX stage is pretty difficult, but in the best ways possible. It feels amazing. It also has the best stage 6 theme in the series.

Don’t play the game though.

Touhou 16 - Hidden Star in Four Seasons:

Honestly, this one is really normal.

After LoLK it might even be refreshingly normal.

It has some rough spots, but it’s fine in terms of difficulty.

You’re given the Season Option. Each of the four playable characters (Reimu, Marisa, Cirno (with a tan) and Aya) have one shottype and you can then pick a Sub-season between Spring’s homing cherries, Summers icicle spread, Autumn’s wide shot and Winter’s focus lasers.

Think of these as a second layer of Power and Bomb in the style of MoF and SA.

You pick up seasonal items that charge your sub-season, giving you higher power shots from it and enabling you to use its Release. This is a kind of bomb of varying strength depending on how high you charged it and has varying effects, all of which come with some sort of screen clear and invincibility.

This game encourages active grazing, since this extracts season items out of bullets. (LoLK also encourages grazing but I didn’t feel like bringing it up there. It’s a great mechanic in EX, it’s... alright in main.)

Grazing as a mechanic is largely irrelevant outside of scoring and feeling good (that tic-tic-tic-tic is crack), unless it interacts with a game’s gimmick.

As such, it’s not the most imperative of things to get good at and I don’t want to encourage new players to go for it too much, but this game is good for getting comfy with it. There’s some stuff to be learned from getting cozy with bullets.

Also I’m still not over the fact that Yuuka isn’t in this game.

Okina could’ve just had a seventh stagee in the main game or a second part to her boss fight but no she had to hog the extra stage instead. We could’ve just solved the incident right there, woven the EX plot into the main game and then had the most awesomest fight against Yuuka - the flower master of FOUR SEASONS - in EX. it’s fine. I’m fine. Next game.

Touhou 16.5 - Violet Detector:

And what a game it is. Another photo game (this time for real) with everyone’s favourite teenager Sumireko Uzami at the wheel. Sleeping at the wheel, that is.

This one combines IS’s shooting with the other photo games photography. Photos remove bullets and damage bosses and you have to take at least one photo to clear a scene.

Generally the same fare. This one gets pretty difficult around the halfway point, but if you push through you get to enjoy some of the best designed fights you’ve ever seen. (Also some of the highest-density fanservice. No Yuuka though. She’s not coming back. I have accepted this. I have put it to rest.)

This game tests your every skill and even skills that you didn’t have before. Literally. Enjoy. Also the soundtrack fucks.

Touhou 17 - Wily Beast and Weakest Creature:

UFO... TWO! Well not really. It has a system that looks similar on the surface but plays much more smoothly.

In this game there are three Beast Spirits: Wolf, Otter and Eagle. You can pick between Wolf and Otter, with Otter being regarded as the strongest and being borderline busted, but also supplying the weakest dialogue. Personally, I think it’s pretty much on par with Wolf anyway. Wolf strengthens your focus shot by a ton, Otter gives you double-length bombs and more bombs.

If you’re a new player you suck at using bombs are using your bombs diligently, but Wolf is simple and effective.

Each spirit also enhances its respective Trance, which you trigger by gathering 5 special items, will give you a temporary shield, similar to PCB’s Charryer, and also enhances you in some way, if you gathered 3 of one sprit.

Wolf gives you a massive focused shot that’s incredibly strong and Otter gives you three circling options that erase bullets. The duration of these increases if you collect more than three and is doubled if they align with your chosen spirit companion.

The spirit items function exactly like the UFOs from UFO, but now there are also Life, Bomb and Point bundles that you can enter into the 5 slots to gain exactly what it says on the tin when the trance starts. You also get their contents when you pick them up during a trance.

An intermission about Power:

MoF moved us away from the classic 128 Power system and introduced the more streamlined 4-Power Option system. Each full 1 Power gives you an extra Option attuned to your shottype while your base shot remains untouched (I know.). Each option fires its shots and they arrange in a formation around you that’s modulatable by focusing.

Ever since TD the options also flip between their focus and nonfocus shots (with HSiFS not doing that). UFO then adjusted this system to one where each P-item gives 0.01 Power and you need 100 to gain 1 Power.

When you take a hit, you lose 0.5 Power. Then in TD it was adjusted to losing 1 Power when you take a hit. Which was turned back to 0.5 in DDC, LoLK and HSiFS and then returned to the full 1 in WBaWC.

Now what am I getting at? The culprit of course! It’s everyone’s favourite half-phantom gardener! She’s at fault for us losing one full Power when dying, because she suffers the most from it! She’d be too good if she could more easily stay at high Power! She’s the only one who loses vertical range from it after all.

Well, that tangent aside, it’s fine. I still think that in the last third the Beast Spirits get a little messy, but it’s all good.

I don’t think this one’s great to get started with, because there’s too much to think about.

Touhou 18 - Unconnected Marketeers:

Now this one’s weird. It takes on a bit of „rogue-liteesque“ angle with its Card system.

During stages you pick up money that you can spend at the end of each stage to buy cards that can do many things. Some give you extra shots of varying styles, there are a lot that have different passive effects, there are a lot of cards that you can activate manually. There are some really broken card combos too.

At the start, you can pick one card that you have previously obtained to start your run with. By fulfilling certain conditions you can increase this to up to 3 starting cards, at which point you can kinda trivialize the game if you really want. You don’t have to start with three cards, and you can also just pick some that aren’t great.

You could pick Lily. The scourge of PoFV is in the game and you can inflict her on yourself of your own free will.

It’s okay to start with. It’s a game that can be fairly easy if you get the right cards and having to retry your run feels „less bad“ since you could get a really good set of cards next time. That’s why I called it „rogue-liteesque“, it has that kind of air to it.

I like the card mechanic, but it’s not something I’d want to stick around. Something that I appreciate with these games is how steady they are. There’s no randomness. Each run is the same as the last, entirely depending on your performance. Of course, there are a lot of enemy attacks that contain elements of randomness, but that’s not the kind of randomness I dislike.

The cards you can get in the shop are largely random. You also might not have enough money to even get the one you want when it shows up, the price ranges are huge.

Again, it’s fun, once. Once is enough.

Touhou 18.5 - Black Market of Bulletphilia ~ 100th Black Market:

We got a second one. It’s fine, it’s a .5 title.

Kind of in between a photo game and a regular one. You get full stages where you fight enemies and bosses, but it’s just single stages and you go through them like you do with the phot games’ scenes.

It’s not terribly taxing and it’s fun to gather all of the cards. The joy of completing a thing, you know? Also the first time that Marisa is playable but Reimu isn’t.

Difficulty wise it’s an okay starting point, but you’re not going to take much away from it.

I wound up just briefly reviewing (and going on tangents about) the games, but that’s okay. You head out to get some grocs and end up going to the beach. Don’t worry about it.

#touhou #long post

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everyones-favourite-hivemind · 9 months

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war crime tip of the day! arson is great, but you know something that can also goes along with it? plants :3

now ok dont walk away im not setting you up with john. but also, the Power with plants btw. They are one of the easiest things to genetically modified, plus their abundance of insane nature powers they have, it can be one of the most dangerous shit ever.

there are flowers that can burn with the slightest bit of body heat. man eating plants are self-explanatory. strangling plants. using thorns, poison, plant blades and combining everything into epic throwing knives. put it into plants that have fruits that burst open to shoot the knives or tumbleweed dropping knives everywhere. the moment an enemy touches the knives, their flesh will be hit with poison, sharp pain and remember to make it also inject into the flesh so they couldnt get the microscopic needles out. also shoot them with quick drying sap that was used to seal plant wounds so they cant escape or get the knives out. eternal pain with bajillion needles they cant get out. and also poison. letting plants infest your enemies. even plants simple as cucumbers can suck up toxic gasses in their roots to then shoot back a more toxic gas.

plants also can have a good partnership with bugs. abuse that. let wasps rip your enemies to shreds by sending gas signals to them. provide comfy home for fierce ants and bees. frogs, alage, and red ants can also live in your meat eating plants to further quicker the digesting process

so yeah :) you should call up john, he could commit so much war crimes btw. or learn plants magic yourself who knows :3c

you know a concerning amount about plants that could hurt people!

we will use this knowledge wisely.

#hivemind asks #and uh. john would already kill for us. we know this for a fact #aaaanyway :)

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thebibliomancer · 1 year

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Essential Avengers: Avengers #285: Twilight of the Gods!

November, 1987

Dammit Zeus, stop eating everyone! Do you want to get mpreg? Because that’s how you get mpreg!

Hah, medium cut.

Also, I can’t believe Marvel TM’d Zeus.

So, last times on Avengers: there was a big Masters of Evil story which left the mansion totaled, Hercules coma’d, and Wasp quitting as leader so she could go on vacation. Captain Monica Marvel got voted as new leader and the first nonsense she has to deal with is Zeus being murderously angry at the Avengers over his favorite son being in a coma.

Even though Hercules drunkenly staggered into an ambush despite Wasp telling him not to do that exact thing!

Anyway, the Avengers and also Namor escape from Hades and sneak their way into Olympus to confront Zeus. They try to get some of Big Daddy Z’s more reasonable kids to help argue their point but Zeus just starts exploding everything.

Prometheus tries to heal Hercules because maybe that will get Zeus to chill. But Hercules wakes up from his coma in one of his classic murder rages. So things have, in fact, gotten worse. Thanks, Prometheus.

The situation is so bad that the first page and a bit are just Black Knight looking at how bad things are going and thinking ‘wow this is the worst situation I’ve ever been in.’

Just wait for the 90s, when you inexplicably become the most prominent Avengers character.

Low-hanging fruit!

But shit is bad.

Thor is exhausted. Captain Marvel is exhausted. Zeus just effortlessly kicked Namor and She-Hulk’s ass in seconds.

Oh and to make things worse, Thor reassure/brags that Namor and She-Hulk are still alive despite Zeus’ best efforts.

Zeus: “You think me incapable of slaying these mortals, Thor? Bah! I have but spared their meager lives for the moment! I have condemned you all to death by torment for what you did to my son, and I shall see that sentence carried out -- e’en if I myself must act as executioner!”

Thor shut the hell up.

Meanwhile, within the caves where Prometheus was healing Hercules, Hercules is on the warpath, yelling ENEMIES! ENEMIES EVERYWHERE!

Wasp tries to tell him that he’s among friends but Hercules just goes to smash her, yelling that she’s always ordering him about and hurting him.

Wasp: “Hercules... please, try to remember! We warned you of the danger -- it was the Masters of Evil that hurt you!”

Hercules: “NO!! You hurt!”

Even this era of high-powered Wasp, she isn’t going to try to tangle with Hercules. So she flies over to try to get help from Hera, Prometheus, or Apollo. Alas, they’re all out cold.

Hercules does the superstrong hand clap shockwave thing and knocks tiny Wasp out. Despite Captain America clinging to his legs and trying to stop him, Hercules scoops up the unconscious superheroine and prepares to kill her.

When all of a sudden, Dr Druid for the rescue! For some reason!

He jumps on Hercules’ back and psychics as hard as he can, despite his head injury, trying to get Hercules to remember.

Druid does manage to get Hercules remembering, helpfully rendered as recap panels.

Hercules remembers blundering into the Masters occupied mansion despite Cap and Wasp warning him of the trap. And he remembers getting his ass kicked by several of the strongest Masters of Evil all at once.

But remembering this makes Hercules scream “NO MORE!!!” and throw Dr Druid off his back.

Meanwhile, outside, the Avengers are still trying to beat up Hercules’ dad.

Zeus has just stood by and let Namor and She-Hulk regain consciousness. So that they’re aware enough to feel the ass-kicking he’s about to deliver to their asses.

But Black Knight finally joins the fight that he’s been horrified and spectating for a while.

Black Knight: “Just a minute, your highness... you’ve forgotten the Black Knight! Is this ‘mere mortal’ beneath your notice -- or are you just afraid to admit that you might not be able to kill me?”

Zeus: “WHAT?!? Never have I beheld a man so eager to die!”

Dang, Dane, your valiant side is showing.

Black Knight was making a gamble. That his incredibly cursed Ebony Blade’s ability to absorb and reflect energy was strong enough to counter Zeus smiting him.

He reckoned correct.

While Zeus is stunned by his own lightning, Namor and She-Hulk jump in to pummel the god. And then Thor BUHROOMs Zeus right in the torso with Mjolnir.

He doesn’t care for it.

Zeus: “this is beyond belief. never have i been humbled in such a way... never.”

Thor: “Never before have you faced the Mighty Avengers!”

Captain Marvel nyooms around Zeus, who has taken a knee after all the punishment, and asks if he’s ready to have an adult conversation now.

He’s not.

With all the Avengers knocked unconscious by Zeus’ tantrum, he expresses pity for the poor mortals he has to kill. But he has no pity for Thor for siding with mortals and decides to stress test Thor’s supposed inability to die.

Someone grabs Zeus and tells him to let Thor go. Zeus just swats the person away. But the person is insistent and tackles Zeus down a hill.

The Avengers regain consciousness and wonder where Zeus went when he had them at his lack of mercy. But their question is quickly answered when Zeus and the person’s tumble knocks down trees in the nearby forest.

The person (still rendered shadowy for mystery reasons) tells Zeus that he won’t let Zeus harm the Avengers.

Zeus doesn’t like being told what to do.

He blasts the person, hurls him against a tree, and starts pummeling the crap out of him.

Zeus: “Who are you, to order me? I am Zeus... Lord of all Olympus! My word is LAW! None may command me! I am supreme! SUPREME!!!”

The Avengers grab Zeus, pull him off the person. Black Knight threatens to shank Zeus with his extremely cursed sword if Zeus forces him to. Zeus is outraged at their insolence but Captain Marvel focuses on the person Zeus was beating up. She tells Namor to make sure Hercules is okay.

Hey, Dr Druid’s mind treatment worked, Hercules regained his good sense, went to try to stop his dad from murdering his friends, and suffered another horrible beating as a result.

Thor: “Do you at last see how your rage has blinded you, Zeus?”

Zeus: “Hercules! My son, forgive me! I didn’t know... didn’t see -- !”

Hercules murmurs that Zeus was wrong about the Avengers but once Zeus learns Prometheus is involved, he assumes Prometheus has been filling Hercules’ head with lies. But Hercules affirms that the Avengers aren’t at fault for his coma. They’re his own dumb fault.

Then Hera shows up because this is the “call Zeus a dumbass” power hour.

She calls Zeus a dumbass. But also recaps her role in this and the parts of the plot Zeus has missed. Including that Prometheus sacrificed part of his own life essence to heal Hercules.

Prometheus is cool with it. Hercules freed him from that bound to a mountain, getting eaten by an eagle forever thing on Mount Caucasus.

Zeus: “Hercules, my son... what have I done? By all that is eternal... what have I done?”

LATER: Things have settled down.

Zeus has kindly allowed the Avengers some hospitality. Wasp took the opportunity to switch into an Olympian outfit because that’s the most Wasp thing to do in the situation.

Hercules isn’t completely better yet. He’s not in any pain but he finds it hard to think. Prometheus assures him that will get better in time.

Captain Marvel is hesitant to let her guard down, considering Zeus was just trying to kill them all and now is treating them like guests. But as She-Hulk points out, why not eat his food and drink his wine. Doesn’t mean you gotta forgive.

Captain America and Dr Druid show up, completely healed of their respective injuries by Apollo, GOD OF MEDICINE.

Apollo also tried to heal Thor, but to no avail. Thor decides that he’s just going to have to confront Hela so he can -rearrange the letters- heal.

Although, I’m pretty sure its a journey to get to that point. He has to fight Fin Fang Foom who turns out to be JORMUNGANDR and the fight renders him a flesh puddle that a bunch of ice giants beat up and then Loki sends the Destroyer to kill Thor so the ice giants don’t get to do it except the Destroyer decides to eat Thor’s soul as an infinite battery except Thor’s strong will takes over the Destroyer and uses it to bother Hela into lifting the curse.

Its a hell of a journey.

Anyway. With the Avengers healed up and also wined and dined, Apollo asks them to come to a special tribunal of the gods Zeus is holding.

And you know it’s serious business because Zeus is wearing his robes of penance.

I mean, you know its serious business if you know that those are the robes of penance so thank god (specifically Athena) that she loudly exposits to the crowd this thing they already know.

And the serious business? Zeus was wrong about something and he’s making it everyone’s problem.

Zeus: “Citizens of Olympus... members of the high pantheon... a great wrong has been done to these Avengers. It is a wrong for which I am responsible, a wrong for which I must atone. Out of concern for my beloved son, I did rashly and unthinkingly accuse these heroes of betrayal. But the only betrayal was that of reason... by my own passions. My crime against the Avengers has shown me a sober lesson...”

“... We ‘gods’ are far more powerful than mortals, but we are no wiser. We can be the basest of fools. The power we possess can be deadly -- even to the mightiest of mortals. Humanity has suffered too much from our careless ways... there must be an end to this. And so, I vow before these mortals... that no one born of Olympus shall ever again set foot upon the Earth!”

Neptune: “Brother, have you forgotten our covenant? I am lord and protector of the subsea peoples! You cannot bar me from my worshipers!”

Ares: “Neptune is not the only one with followers, father! Many are the mortals who revere the ways of war -- I will not be denied -- !”

Zeus: “SILENCE! You are forbidden to walk the Earth! Thus is the will of Zeus! Disobey me at your own peril!”

It’s funny because Zeus basically browbeat everyone into this revenge on the Avengers scheme and now he’s making it everyone’s problem for listening to him in the first place.

And why do I feel like he’s going to use this as an excuse to keep Hercules from returning to Earth once he’s fully recovered?

Also, huh, I’m surprised there was no evil plan behind Hercules’ coma mutterings. His brain was just pulped and his thoughts jumbled. Nobody put words in his ear or made him say those things. Feels weird to have it not be an evil scheme.

Afterward, Prometheus takes the Avengers minus Hercules to the edge of the dimensional abyss that abuts Olympus. And here I thought Olympus was a mountain on Earth but that shows me.

Prometheus sort of slaps a theme onto this whole arc.

Prometheus: “Zeus is a prideful god, Knight... and has been deeply shamed by this affair. You must understand, in temperament, the gods of Olympus have ever been as children. So great is their power, they have never known lasting defeat. For Zeus to have acknowledged his error as he did was a show of maturity unheard of amongst his kind. Perhaps all Olympians may in time show the degree of responsibility their power demands. We can but hope.”

Cool.

Namor asks what’s going to become of Hercules, given Zeus’ new mandate that no Olympians are allowed on Earth. And Prometheus gives him a vague assurance that maybe the Avengers haven’t seen the last of Hercules, possibly.

Then with a vague warning of future difficulties, Prometheus teleports the Avengers back to Earth before he has to explain anything he just said.

What a mysterious prick.

There’s some concerns left. The Avengers have to clear up any trouble caused by She-Hulk’s Dionysus provoked rampage. Wasp has to immediately run off because she was Artemis abducted from her vacation and people are going to be missing her. And Thor immediately flies off as well because he needs to eventually get around to dealing with his Hela curse.

While the Avengers head back to Hydrobase, Captain America takes off elsewhere. Musing on what Prometheus said about the Avengers being “sorely tested” before deciding whatever it will be, the Avengers will meet the challenge.

More fallout for Namor! Marrina is at Hydrobase to meet him with hugs and bad news.

The hug is nice but the news is bad. When Namor got pulled to hell by Neptune, that little village of exiled Atlanteans had taken that as a sign that Namor was rejected by the god of Atlantis.

Because, uh, there’s very few other ways that god dragging someone to hell can be interpreted.

The whole village took this also as a sign they should abandon Namor. And they’ve all fled to the depths. Taking with them Namor’s hopes of founding a new kingdom.

Namor decides that the ocean holds no future for him and Marrina but maybe they’ll find a place on the surface world, with the Avengers.

-looks ahead- Oof.

Anyway.

A week later, Captain Marvel is giving Namor and Dr Druid a brief on the Fixer, one of the Masters of Evil who took over Avengers Mansion. You might remember that storyline. It’s what put Hercules in a coma. I keep mentioning it.

Dr Druid wonders why she’s expositing about a supervillain who is already arrested and being held in a maximum security prison.

I assume to set up for the next storyline but Monica also says that everyone in the team should have familiarity with all the Avengers’ enemies.

But Captain America doesn’t show up for the meeting and he didn’t leave word he wouldn’t make it... and that’s not like responsible ol’ Cap(tain America).

Captain Marvel: “I want to know what’s going on. If Captain America is in trouble, we’re going to make it the Avengers’ business!”

The next issue says the fix is on. Yup, the Fixer is up to something. Very timely having an update on him, Monica.

Except, we need to spend some time with some annuals and then some West Coast Avengers again. To even out the dates.

Follow @essential-avengers because ‘Merica is Missing. Captain that is. Like and reblog too.

#avengers #essential avengers #Zeus #some olympians #Captain Marvel #Monica Rambeau #Black Knight #Captain America #Dr Druid #for some reason #She Hulk #namor mckenzie #thor #the Wasp #Hercules #Prometheus

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jojolymes · 2 years

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𝐀𝐌𝐈𝐃𝐒𝐓 𝐏𝐀𝐋𝐎𝐌𝐈𝐍𝐎; arc I

I. 𝐟𝐢𝐫𝐬𝐭 𝐟𝐢𝐟𝐭𝐞𝐞𝐧-𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐮𝐬𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐦𝐞𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐬

next: ࿔*:･ﾟi. | table of contents

FROM WHAT you could remember, you had started to fear a lot of things when your mom died. Before then, you had never gotten a clear perception of death was and even then, your eight-year-old, pea-sized brain had taken a good month to fully understand what it meant. At the end of that month was when you saw the incredibly nice casket being lowered into the ground and suddenly, your older brothers had been in front of you and your two younger brothers to tell you three that you wouldn't see your mom anymore.

While both little ones had started sobbing, you had nodded, walked over to your father who had been carrying your infant twin brothers and stood there in silence, knowing the last person he'd want to see was you. After all, you had always been told you took after Momma.

Around five years later, your father had announced that his business was going under and that your family was now in debt. While your little brothers had been confused, you had sat there in silence like you had the day of the funeral. The whole service had always seemed out of your family's price range to begin with. Now, with this sudden revelation, you finally understood the reason for the grueling hours your father had subjected himself to.

Immediately though, your oldest brother had declared that he would win some horse race that had been in the works. The prize money wasn't much compared to what it would be five years later but it was just enough to bring your family back up and running. Everyone was ecstatic. You could still remember the way you all had decided to celebrate, even though there was nothing to really celebrate for just yet. It was just around this time that the fears had started to pile up.

Tom was the first to attempt to win— and the first to get seriously injured. You hadn't witnessed it firsthand but you were certainly there as he was pulled away on a stretcher, face indistinguishable. Later on, you had come to find out he was mauled by a bear. As most were, you had already somewhat feared them, but seeing your brother's destroyed figure had been enough to spike that fear.

As a result, the family debt had almost doubled. The prize money that Tom had promised for you all wouldn't be enough to save your family from its debts and had it not been doubled for the next race, maybe Micheal wouldn't have gone and attempted to do the same as Tom.

In comparison to Tom, Micheal had always been a very outdoorsy person and therefore knew far more about the wilderness and how to survive in it. This, however, didn't help at all when he got trampled by horses in the first part of the race; it also didn't help that you had watched it all take place. You had seen it all— how he was flung off his horse and into the unforgiving hooves of the other horses behind him.

You could remember his body twisted and bent in ways that the human body should never be able to do, all the while hearing his faint screams. Your father had been the one to place a hand over your eyes and had he not, you knew you would have ended up far more traumatized than you had been so far. After that, being trampled had gone on the list of fears.

Paul, the third oldest brother, was a religious fanatic. Although he was nice sometimes, he had a cocky side to him that usually led to him having a bunch of enemies. Despite warnings from your father, Paul insisted that he follow the path God had set out for him and join the race. Paul had also made the incredibly kind statement that he'd be keeping all the money for himself.

When you watched someone throw a wasp's nest at his face while he was riding, you were both happy and terrified. Happy that your stuck-up brother had finally gotten what he deserved but terrified at the mere thought of going through what he was going through. In the end, Paul had decided that he had been punished by God and spent every night praying in hopes he'd be forgiven.

Al decided to go through with the race next, knowing well he could die but figured if he just stuck to a set of rules he had given himself, he'd be fine. He had, of course, not been fine when they dug him out of the snow, half-dead and with an extreme case of hypothermia. His guttural screams still stuck with you to this day while the doctors were amputating parts of his body.

When they were done with him, he was missing an entire leg, half an arm, a few fingers, some toes, and his right ear. The way parts of his skin had remained blue and sickly for days after people found him was frightening in itself. And amputation after amputation, the already increasing debt your family had racked up grew worse. You found herself fearing such a thing happening to you as well.

But your fears had become crippling when Robert had left for the races.

Unlike your other brothers, Robert was the one you were closest to. Robert had been a shoulder for you to cry on when your mother died and there to soothe you when you'd see your brothers get injured to the point where you were paralyzed with fear at the mere thought. When Robert had decided that he'd be the one to win the race and save your family from debt, a part of you wanted to throw a tantrum and beg him to stay, despite being seventeen at the time.

Yet, another part knew that compared to your other brothers, Robert was the most well-rounded and had the highest chance of winning. So despite being against it, you found yourself supporting him from the sidelines. But what a fool you were.

Robert's death was one you would replay in your mind so often you thought you might go insane. With his death came the foolish declarations of your younger brothers that they'd get their revenge for him. That they'd honor his name once they were old enough.

But you wouldn't allow it.

You wouldn't see your younger brothers die at the hand of the terrifying race that had taken almost all of your family away from you, brother by brother. The one whose prize money rose as your family fell into an almost unplayable debt. The one that had taken Robert away from you, leaving only a tattered old hat with his name embroidered on the inside rim. You, like all your other brothers, decided you'd do the same and join the race.

In sum, it was a terrible idea.

The second you woke up in your tent, you were screaming. No, it wasn't because you remembered that you were going to actually take part in the race (although you were definitely anxious about it), but because you realized you had pulled the most idiotic move and fallen asleep in your tent. Yes, you had fallen asleep.

The night before you had sworn to yourself that you'd stay awake and make sure you wouldn't get secretly ambushed but clearly you had done anything but that. And screaming didn't help either. When you had gotten out of the tent with rustled and frantically put on loose clothing, the first thing the men outside had done was chuckle to each other.

"Hey, Speedwagon! When'd you manage to go sparrow catching, eh?" Your face burned as they walked up to you, one of them putting an arm over your shoulder and suffocating your senses with must and liquor. "Sounds like you gave her a hog-killin' time this morning~" You had gone silent; they thought you were doing something with another girl? Your face burned again and you sneakily slipped out from under the man's arm with a fake grin.

"Y-Yeah, I caught me a fine-looking lady and I guess she couldn't be too quiet, haha..." you trailed off awkwardly while pulling the rim of your hat down to cover even more of your face than already had been. It went quiet for a moment but before you could freak out, you were slapped on the back roughly, the men cackling around her. You, although grossed out and terrified, joined in on the laughter.

"Hey, where'd she go though?" You froze, beginning to tremble under the ill-fitting dress-shirt Robert had once owned. The men who had once been laughing and congratulating you for bagging an imaginary chick were now serious, looking at you in a way that made you want to die right then and there. "Maybe she's still in the tent!" Your heart dropped; you had found that your brothers had packed some of your skirts and you had left them next to your bag before falling asleep.

"H-Hold on! Um, she left a few minutes ago!" The men had brushed the thought off, saying that they would have known if a woman had run out of the tent. Tears threatened to spill from your eyes as they walked in anyways. "Wait a minute...ain't these girl clothes?" Your thoughts raced as you stood at the entrance of the tent, racking your mind for some kind of excuse. Then it hit you.

"Er..." you coughed into your hand for some dramatic flair, "...she took some of my clothes. I didn't know what to do with 'em so I left 'em there. Figured I might see her at the finish line so I left 'em by my bag to give 'em to her. Can't have a lady run around in men's clothing after all." The men looked between each other as you coughed into your hand again.

"It'd be a shame to hide those curves." They slowly began to nod and grin, mumbling to one another about the way they'd get to sleep with hundreds of women once they got the prize money. All you could do was stare in disgust as they talked, hoping that something would come to save you from your misery.

"Attention all participants, it is currently nine-thirty. Each of your numbers is your starting grid number. For fairness, please be at your corresponding grid by two minutes to ten."

"Oh would you look at the time! I should probably get my stuff together now! See you folks on the starting line!" you said with fake cheerfulness as you ushered them out of your tent, collapsing onto the dirt when they were finally out. A familiar whinny came from outside the tent, leaving you to sigh.

"Yeah, yeah, I know. I'll be more careful, Thunder," you mumbled as you crawled over to your belongings, sorting out the things you would need for the trip across the country. While picking some items to leave behind, you readjusted your ill-fitting clothes, making sure that nothing too obvious would make you look anything but a man. By the time you were done sorting and packing, it was ten minutes to ten o'clock.

"Guess it's time to go, huh?" you muttered as you approached Thunderstruck, your somewhat temperamental yet experienced palomino horse. You looked over your companion, making sure all the harnesses were in the right place and that the harness was sitting correctly. After helping Robert set Thunderstruck up for about a year, you had gotten to know the way things had to be set up on a horse as well as how to take care of them. It was a nice step in the right direction considering you still had a fear of being trampled but it wouldn't really help you now; especially since you still didn't know how to ride a horse.

Thunderstruck whinnied again, giving you some form of judgment through her deep black eyes. Your face flushed and after looking back and forth, you brought over an empty crate so you could pull yourself onto the saddle. It had taken a few moments of struggling but you had finally made it onto Thunderstruck who immediately made her way to the starting line. It wasn't until you both reached the grids that you had actually steered Thunder.

"B-359...B-359...B-359!" An anxiety-riddled smile pushed its way onto your face as you came to a stop inside the grid, listening to the chatter around you. Thunderstruck scuffed at the dirt with her hooves, clearly annoyed that you both had to stay still for two minutes. With every movement Thunder made, you gripped the reins tight enough to make your knuckles white, all the while your brain wracked itself for the worst possible scenarios.

Maybe you'd end up dead, trampled beneath the hooves of the other racers' horses. Or even worse, someone would find you were a girl and push you off Thunderstruck. The men from earlier were probably already suspicious of you and the shitty excuses you had given.

"Fuck, why'd I think I could ever do this, Thunder?" Her horse huffed below her, ignoring your grumbles as you eyed the other competitors. Thunder hooved at the dirt some more as you sat under the burning heat. You could hear the murmurs of the people around you, staring directly at your smaller form.

Even in the baggy clothes you wore, people seemed to be catching on. Cursing your luck, you tilted the loose hat you wore to block your eyes and the relentless rays of the sun. "Think that's a lady?" You bit your lip harshly, gripping the reins in your gloved hands even tighter than before. "Well, if that's actually a gal, I wouldn't mind—"

"YOU BETTER WIPE YOUR CHIN BOY OR ELSE... WE'LL HAVE A PROBLEM...Y-YOU AND ME!"

#palominosbr #steel ball run #sbr #jojo #jjba #jjba x reader #johnny joestar x reader #gyro zeppeli x reader #hot pants x reader #diego brando x reader

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mischief-lies-and-stories · 5 months

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Reacting to Animated Marvel Shows 8/?

All right, back to the anime Avengers. All you need to know is: pretty Loki (of course the most important part), weird noses, Avengers meets Sora & co., way too fast redemption arc, and another possible incestuous ship for me whoops. Spoilers for Future Avengers 1x20 (and probably 1x19).

Bruno looks a little early Avengers (2012) Loki and I don’t know anything about his usual character design, but between his eyes and the war paint (I think) on his face, he looks a little mind-controlled. [I knew nothing that happened before ep 19 at this point, and even that I didn’t really retain, but damn I was really close to what’s happening here.]

“Wing daggers”??

Hulk speaks in complete sentences in Japan, apparently

Ugh Amora, fuck off

Amora who are you calling “young sorcerer”? I know you’re older, but you’re roughly the same age

Cap just said “Avengers, stay frosty.” What the hell does that mean?!

Ironman just jumped in front of Loki (and Wasp, but mostly Loki) and my frostiron heart has reawakened. Cap, is this what you meant? Frosty, like frostiron?

I mean, it did nothing, all three of them got thrown into the wall, but it was cute

Hey, Loki, remember how you have magic? Why are you letting the mortal with science superpowers protect you from overpowered Amora???

I don’t understand what Makoto’s superpowers are

This b-plot is still hella gay

“Being a hero without you is meaningless to me.” What the fuck, friends to enemies to lovers, excruciating slow burn 100k words

I will not go to AO3 after this episode, I’m stronger than that

Thor why do you have to yell “Mjolnir throw” like it’s a Pokémon that needs you to tell it what to do? Also how did you miss?!

Why do they all have to name their powers to activate them, first of all? Second of all, isn’t Loki canonically immune to this? I know this came out before Loki, but still.

Ooh this is a good idea for a scene. I hope they do it well.

Lol they recreated the live action Avengers shot and just shoehorned Wasp in there.

I hate how the only part of their face animated to move is their mouth. Like Loki begging Thor not to listen to Evil Guy No.1 would be so much more moving (literally) if the rest of his face was allowed to be expressive. Like even if they did the anime pupil vibration it would add so much more emotion.

Loki kiss him to break the mind control (sorry, I’ll try to remember to tag this as thorki, I couldn’t help myself)

Thor please do the whole giving the villain a false sense of security in thinking he’s won by raising your hammer against your brother but at the last second slamming it against Evil Guy’s skull (I’ve already forgotten his name). You’re smart enough for this to be feasible, I believe in you.

I do also like the breaking the mind control through the power of (brotherly) love, too, though

But letting Loki genuinely show remorse and apologize when really you’re not influenced by Evil Guy (because your love for your brother is already too strong, okay I’ll stop) before you smash Evil Guy’s head in is cool too. Loki probably needs to do this for character growth purposes anyway.

Loki’s crying and I’m screaming, this is cute I can’t stand it

Holding hands! Okay I’m also crying now this is so sweet

Oh shit is she dead! Fuck I hope so. Go straight to hel, Amora

So does Bruno take on the Emerald Crystal to try to be more powerful than Makoto and then Makoto has to save him through the power of love?

Oh wait he’s already got the emerald!

Makoto fuck off with this no homo bullshit

Makoto kiss him to get the Emerald shit off him

Why are the OCs the only ones with normal fucking noses?! (Yeah, I’m on that shit still)

Gay love can pierce through the veil of emerald crystal and save the day

Makoto is so in denial about being in love with his bff lol

Makoto, it was the YAOI

“Brotherly bond” shut up, Thor, it was also the YAOI on your end

Dammit, Amora’s still alive

Evil Guy’s alias is just Leader? Weak.

Oh shit Evil Guy had a gun this whole time?! I swear to god if this kills either one of them I’m gonna be so annoyed. They’re Asgardian.

Also, I paused it just as he shot, but I’m calling it now, he aimed for Thor, but Loki jumped in front, even though they’re both immune to bullets (I think)

If Loki dies I’m suing

I fucking told you! Self-sacrificial piece of shit. If that armor isn’t bulletproof what’s it fucking good for?

Hey maybe subdue Evil Guy first before Loki fakes his death? He can hold it, it’s fine. But one, the dude might have another bullet in that gun, and two, he’s gonna make a run for it, both of which would render Loki’s bullshit sacrifice meaningless

Loki you piece of lying shit

All the same, I can’t tell if I’m crying from laughter or just crying

Marvel: So we can give you an evil Loki who lives or a redeemed Loki who (pretends to) bite it. That’s all we got.

Evil Guy why are you still here? Thor’s about to murder you three times over. You’ll be nothing but a spatter of blood on cement when he’s done with you, dumbass. You fucking shot Loki, then stuck around long enough to call him weak TO THOR’S TEAR-STAINED FACE?! Buddy you’re stupider than your choice of alias would imply.

YES! YES I FUCKING CALLED IT MY BOI LIVES

Oh motherfucker did you turn on your brother, you’re awfully close to Evil Guy for my liking

I’m more mad right now that Loki’s surprised (again) by how Thor reacts to his death than I will be if it turns out he’s a dirty lying traitor again

MOTHER OF FUCK, YOU PIECE OF SHIT

Again, Loki can live and be a villain or be a hero and die (fuck and doesn’t that sound familiar?)

Damn, there goes the kink cuffs

Fuck am I invested in this? Oh no

The end credits song is so stupid lol

End announcer guy: Come on, Loki, how could you betray the Avengers like that?

You must be new here, fam.

End announcer guy: Who is orchestrating the forces of evil?

Me: Dr. Doom.

Show: *Kang appears out of the fog, the size of a skyscraper*

Me: NO!!!

Me @ me: Bruno and Makoto are not getting together. This is a Disney kids show from 2017, it’s not gonna be gay.

Me: *proceeds to watch the next episode anyway*

Loki: *betrays Thor, like he famously repeatedly does*

Thor: *surprised Pikachu face*

Me: *surprised Pikachu face*

Yeah, I’m disappointed in me, too.

#loki #animated avengers #future avengers #future avengers 1x20 #future avengers 1x20 spoilers #marvel tv shows

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dismemberment-on-a-tuesday-night · 11 months

Text

Fucking around with an incorrect quotes generator and my characters because why the fuck not?

Eden:

Ezra: Still not over how yesterday when my flight landed, our pilot said we arrived 50 minutes early because they took some "shortcuts".

Ezra: Excuse me, we were in the sky, what do you mean???

Jay: Everything’s fine, Ezra.

Ezra: Jay, I know your relationship with the english language is strictly casual, but you- I- *deep inhale* ALLOW ME TO TELL YOU WHAT’S NOT FINE.

Michael: Hey I just got a pet snake. What should I name him?

Jane-Marie: A pet WHAT?!

Katerina: William Snakespeare.

Ezra: Don't ask me what I'm talking about. I don't know, okay? I'm just the vessel. The message has been gifted. I've moved on

*as teens*

Michael: I wish I could control wasps and bees to sting my enemies.

Christopher: You’re too young to have enemies.

Michael: You don’t even know.

Christopher: Bottling up negative emotions is bad for your health, so you shouldn't do it.

Colt: I know, that's why I bottle up all my emotions, both positive and negative, so it cancels out.

Christopher: Th-that's not how that works-

Our Man Flint:

Kidnapper: I have your partner.

Ambrose: What? I don't have a partner...

Kidnapper: Then who just called me a lowlife bitch and spit in my face?

Ambrose: Oh my god, you have August.

Flint: Standing next to sunflowers always makes me feel weak like ‘look at this fucking flower. This flower is taller than I am. This flower is winning and I’m losing.’

Ambrose: Wow, you are not ready to hear about trees.

Flint: But when all hope seemed lost, I had an epiphany!

Flint, earlier: I'm going to throw myself into the sea.

Flint: Come on, August! How any times do I have to apologize?

August: Once!

Flint: ...No.

August: Where are you going?

Ambrose: Hell, eventually.

Divinity:

Vo'ki: Is this about me?

Mary: No.

Vo'ki: Then I've lost interest.

Wren: I only have two emotions: exhaustion and stress. And I’m somehow always feeling both simultaneously.

Wren: Help! I’m drowning!

Vo'ki: Calm down. We’re only in six feet of water!

Wren: NOT ALL OF US ARE TALL!

Wren: What are you drinking?

Vo'ki: Vodka.

Wren: Straight?

Vo'ki: No, gay. Why?

Vo'ki: My expectations were low but holy fuck.

Blood Sacrifices:

Drehl: But that’s censorship.

Lohl: Well done. You are correct. You’re being censored. Now go.

Ve'Qren: Dear Diary, my teen angst bullshit has a body count.

Tyri: I tried to write ‘I'm a functional adult’ but my phone changed it to ‘fictional adult’ and i feel like that’s more accurate.

Daes: Oh gosh I wish I got more sleep I only got six hours!

Swua: Six? I only got three!

Lohl: You guys got sleep?

Drehl, comes stumbling out of their room and grabs a jug of coffee before saying: What year is it??

Ve'Qren: Remember, when burying a body, make sure to cover it with endangered plants so it’s illegal to dig up!

Ve'Qren: Make sure to follow me for more gardening tips!

Ve'Qren: I’ve only had Lohl for a day and a half but if anything happened to them I would kill everyone in this room and then myself.

I'll do more if you guys like. I'm having a blast.

#Abraham original: Hot off the press #Eden #Our Man Flint #Divinity #Blood Sacrifices

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autistickaitovocaloid · 1 year

Text

Going to teach you guys a really handy magic spell it's called live wasps and it's where you throw a glass jar full of live wasps at your enemies so hard that it breaks.

#art talks about stuff #sorry i've been thinking about this concept for about a week

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tiny-chubby-bird · 2 years

Text

Please please please give me more games where I can be the monster, or someone with powers that I can use in morally ambiguous ways. It's so much fun.

Examples:

Aliens VS Predator games (you can play as either a Marine, the Predator, or the Alien. The games had many flaws of course but it was still a lot of fun to play as something other than human with a gun)

Prototype I & II (play as someone who's body is taken over by a biological weapon sort of virus with which you can do many terrible things, but you're still sorta the good guy, kinda like an anti-hero. Like dude, you can shapeshift, you can throw cars, you have badass claws and fists and more, it's so cool and gross)

InFAMOUS games (you get superpowers. Cole has electrical ones which are hella neat, or in the newer game with Delsin you get smoke, neon, video... And they're so much fun to use)

Carrion (you literally are a horrifying alien monster creature that is trapped in a huge place turned laboratory and you break out and get all your body parts back and get new skills to get past puzzles and military enemies. It's kind of short, but it's hella fun)

Dead by Daylight (I don't like the PvP aspects of it and how toxic the players can be, and how much pressure you have to work under, but that's just my anxiety speaking. What I do like about it is being the killer, because you have a wide variety to choose from, and each have their unique abilities. You can be a K-pop killer who throws knives, or you can be the Demogorgon from Stranger Things, or the vengeful Japanese ghost, the Onryō, who crawls out of TVs, and so many more. It's not the type of game I'm going for here, but it still kind of counts because you don't have to be a survivor with a flashlight, and instead be the killer who hunts down the survivors)

BioShock (I personally haven't played any but I watched my friend play the first one and you also get to have some powers you can use by modifying your body with Plasmids, like commanding wasps/bees, or using electricity, fire, hypnosis, telekinesis, etc.)

Dishonored (also haven't played it personally, but I know that you're playing as someone who got framed for murder, so you become an assassin and seek revenge against those who are responsible for everything. And along the way, you get some cool powers that help you be stealthy and kill people. Like commanding a swarm of rats.)

In short: let me be a monster, like a Xenomorph or the Carrion creature, or even Godzilla monsters, or let me be someone with awesome and terrifying superpowers I can use to do morally ambiguous things, like maybe someone who wants to take revenge for something. I don't always want to be goody two shoes, and I don't always want to be just a guy with a gun.

#rants n rambles #video games #monster #alien #prototype #infamous

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the-faramir · 5 months

Text

Spoiler Warning: Extinction Curse Book 1, Hawfton Mill encounters

Midori and her party set forth to investigate Hawfton Mill to see why Seirah Hawfton and her family had gone missing. They made it past the spiders in the garden with some injuries. After the healer had cast some healing spells and Midori had used Treat Wounds with varying levels of success ("I'm not used to your weird human anatomy! That treatment wasn't supposed to hurt you!"), they decided to peek carefully into the windows of the mill to see if anything was lying in wait for them.

Yeah. Swarms of wasps.

"With that many opponents inside, we won't last long! Look at what the spiders did to us!" The barbarian was uncomfortable with the prospect of fighting the wasps in an enclosed space.

"We're low on healing spells, too," the healer piped up. "Should we return to camp, rest up, and return tomorrow?"

Kobrak, the fetchling ranger, was having none of that. "We just got here! We can't go running off to heal after every encounter! Look, they're wasps. Wasps don't like smoke. I'll set a fire to get some smoke going, the wasps will come out dazed, and then we'll have an advantage over them."

"Ugh, fine," sighed Midori. "Let's get this over with."

Kobrak gathered some brush and kindling, arranged it into a stack, and took out his tinderbox. He made his survival skill check to start a fire.

He rolled a 1. The ranger, the great master of the outdoors that he was, rolled a critical failure on a simple task.

Kobrak set flames to the tinder with ease, yet he was not mindful of the placement of his left hand, which set off a Rube-Goldbergesque sequence of events. His left hand caught on a protruding stick, which knocked over the stack of brush, scattering the growing flames. Moving to contain the fallen brush, the ranger tripped over a weirdly curved branch that had avoided his notice. He fell onto the burning brush, catching his cloak on fire. Of course, he was trained to stop, drop, and roll; and stop, drop, and roll he did, spreading the flaming plant matter farther, catching the wooden walls of the mill on fire. His panicked flailing fanned the flames higher and higher until the entire structure started crackling and smoking. The wasps inside were not happy with all of the smoke billowing into their domain and started buzzing angrily as they searched in vain for an exit route to fresh air. Much to their chagrin, there was no way for them to escape the mill, especially not through the flaming walls that were rapidly turning to ash.

The ranger rolled to safely, thoroughly extinguished, and stood up, brushing the dirt from his clothes nonchalantly.

The other party members sprung into action. "I'll try to find a bucket. We can put the fire out with water from the stream," the monk calmly laid out his plan to save the mill. The others looked around to see if there was anything they could grab to help out.

"Hold up, friends!" A mad grin crossed Kobrak's face as he raised his hand and pointed to the mill. "Observe." The angry buzzing inside the mill grew quieter. There were sounds of some of the wasps hitting the ground. "We have defeated our opponents! My plan worked!"

"Well, yeah, but what about the rest of the mill?" Midori asked. "We still need to investigate. We should put this out." She gestured at the stream and made a sweeping movement as if she were scooping up the water to throw at the fire.

"No problem!" The ranger continued, "Clearly since the Hawftons are missing, there's no danger of their getting hurt. And if we were to search the mill, we would surely encounter more enemies. Maybe even another one of those demons! This way, we can kill all of our enemies in one fell swoop. Think of the experience we would gain! And then we could go through the ashes afterward and collect any clues that remain. Easy peasy!"

"But have you considered--?"

"Easy." Pause. "Peasy." The ranger was adamant.

Midori looked around at the rest of the party. The barbarian crossed his arms and shook his head in resignation. The healer shrugged and sighed. It was getting late and the party was tired from the last near-defeat. "Fine. I guess I'll go get the marshmallows…."

#pathfinder #pf2e #kitsune #game spoilers #extinction curse

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starcchild · 2 years

Note

✏️ Carter and Bucky

Eᴠᴇɴ Mᴏʀᴇ Iɴᴄᴏʀʀᴇᴄᴛ Qᴜᴏᴛᴇs Gᴇɴᴇʀᴀᴛᴏʀ!

Carter: Look, Bucky! It's the good Kush! Bucky: It's the dollar store, how good can it be?

——–

Carter: I wish I could control wasps and bees to sting my enemies. Bucky: You’re too young to have enemies. Carter: You don’t even know.

——–

Bucky, looking over Carter’s shoulder: You can draw? Carter, stopping what they were doing: You can speak?

——–

Bucky: Swear words are illegal now. If you say one you'll be fined. Carter: Heck. Bucky: You're on thin fucking ice. Bucky: Oh no-

——–

Carter: Bucky, how could you possibly have gotten into this much trouble in one day? Bucky: It... It didn't take me the whole day...

——–

Carter: Did you have to stab them? Bucky: You weren’t there. You didn’t hear what they said to me. Carter: What did they say? Bucky: "What are you going to do, stab me?" Carter: That’s fair.

——–

Bucky: I think it’s time I get my life in order. Carter, narrating: But they did not get their life in order. In fact, they got drunk last night and fought a raccoon.

——–

Bucky: You use emoji’s like a straight person. Carter: That’s literally the worst thing anyone has ever said about me.

——–

Carter: Lol. Heads up if you try to make a candle with food coloring, the food coloring will just sink to the bottom of the glass, and when the flame eventually reaches the bottom all the food coloring will catch fire and become one giant tall flame that you cannot possibly blow out and the glass will start to crack and then you’ll throw your tea on it in a panic and then the extremely hot food coloring will boil and sizzle horribly and then the glass will shatter. Please take my word on this. Bucky: What did you do Carter? Carter: a Mistake.

#asks #anons #incorrect quotes

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poisoned-peppermint · 3 years

Text

Part 4 of incorrect quotes because i feel obligated to make more due to the sheer number of people who liked it

Dream: My dearest beloved fuckos, is a fun, gender-neutral way to begin a speech

George: See also, esteemed bastards

Bad: Gentlefolk, Ferals, and Domesticated cryptids.

Sapnap: My fellow yees and haws

~~~~~~~

Techno:Hey I know skyrim is revered as a classic but are we just going to ignore the fact that the entire game only had like 3 voice actors

Wilbur:Stop right there criminal cum

Techno:My ancestors are smiling at me, bastard, can you say the same

~~~~~~~

Foolish:When's your bedtime :)

Purpled: Whenever I next collapse in purely up to the gods

~~~~~~

Ranboo:Human skin is a fursuit for skeletons

Tubbo: i’m going to debone you like a fucking trout

~~~~~~

Bad:You’re enough

Bad: love yourself!!!!!!! or suffer my wrath!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dream:And by wrath I mean love!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bad:no I mean wrath!!!!! You reading this, if you don't love yourself I’ll beat you with a stick!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

~~~~~~~

Bad:I hope everyone is today well! And tomorrow!!!! After that you’re on your own.

~~~~~~

Bad:what am I supposed to do all day while you’re at work

Skeppy:I don’t know, what do you normally do while I’m gone

Bad: wait for you to get back

~~~~~~

Velvet:For my next stunt, I’ll wake up at 5am on the day I can sleep in

Ant:Early to bed and early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise.

Velvet:Early to bed and early to rise makes me a massive bitch

~~~~~~

Tubbo: 3:23 AM make a wish

Ranboo: I wish that you would go to sleep

Tuddo: Yeah well I wish I grew an inch taller every day as you get an inch shorter until you’re as flat as as a piece of paper and I’m 11 feet tall

Ranboo: You’re going to die of a mixture of skeletal instability and heart disease.

Tubbo: Yeah but I’ll look good while doing it.

~~~~~~

Bad:Disrespect me again and I’ll determine your bodies resonant frequency and play a jaunty horn solo that boils your miserable organs inside out

~~~~~~

Quackity: If I were dating you? Well, heh. Let’s just say horses wouldn't be called horses anymore

Karl: hey what the honk does this mean…..I’m shaking what does this mean!

~~~~~~

Skeppy: Are you ok?

Bad wrapped in a burrito blanket drinking his 6th cup of coffee: Yes, this is exactly what mental stability looks like

~~~~~~

Sam: My hands are cold

Ponk: *holds their hands*

Ponk: better?

Sam: My lips are cold too

~~~~~~

George at dream’s funeral: can I have a moment alone with them?

Sapnap: of course *leaves*

George leaning over dream’s casket: Now listen, I know you’re not dead.

Dream: yeah no shit

~~~~~~

Skeppy, jokingly: I should have Bad kill you for that.

Bad, peering around the corner: Who do I need to kill?

Skeppy: Wh- no, I was just kidding around.

Bad, pulling out a switchblade: No, who’s bothering you

~~~~~~

Bad *watching the news*: Some idiot tried to fight a squid at the aquarium.

Skeppy *covered in ink*: Maybe the squirt was being a dick.

~~~~~~

Peacock: *spreads feathers at Bad*

Skeppy: It’s trying to attract a mate

Bad, extremely confused: *shyly lifts top*

Skeppy: No!

~~~~~~

Sapnap: Karl, do you eat olives? My dad wants to know

Karl: No, I hate olives. Olives are the spawn of satan. I hate olives so much my mom forced me to live in Mount olive for the rest of my childhood as a curse from the olive gods. Do you understand how much olives have ruined my life? I'm so offended that you asked me that have some consideration for people who have been abused by olives please!

Sapnap: K A R L ……….they’re just olives!!?

Karl: JUST OLIVES EXCUSE!

~~~~~~

Tommy: If you’re bored you can simply close your eyes and rotate a cow in your mind. It’s free and the cops can’t stop you

~~~~~~

Wilbur: is there anyone even named sheldon irl?

Tubbo: my class turtle from 6th grade :)

Wilbur: that’s a turtle

Tubbo: When god sings with his creations, will a turtle not be part of the choir?

~~~~~~

Ranboo: No bcuz why do ppl like salad?? What’s so good about it

Tubbo: chew leaf like god intended

Ranboo: No

Tubbo: Abandon god and see what he does next time you lift your hands in prayer

~~~~~~~

Tommy: Guys, there’s a monster under my bed and it’s really ugly.

Wilbur, on the bottom bunk: Honestly, fuck you.

~~~~~~

Quackity: So according to the cease and desist order I got, apparently you can’t ‘legally’ be a lawyer if your license is ‘cut out of a cereal box’.

~~~~~~

Puffy: If you had too, what would you give up food or sex?

Bad: Sex.

Skeppy: Seriously, answer faster.

Bad: I’m sorry honey, when they said sex I wasn’t thinking about sex with you.

Skeppy: It’s like a giant hug.

Puffy: Ant, what about you? What would you give up sex or food?

Ant: Food.

Puffy: Okay, how about sex or dinosaurs?

Ant: ……...Oh my God it’s like the movie Sophie’s Choice.

Gumi: What about you Velvet? What would you give up sex or food?

Velvet: Oh… um… I don’t know, it’s too hard.

Gumi: No, you gotta pick one.

Velvet: Um, food… no, sex… no, food…sex… food. Ugh! I don’t know! I want both! I- I want Antfrost on bread!

~~~~~~~

Tommy, holding a gun: If the conspiracies about life being a simulation are true WHOEVERS CONTROLLING MY SIM I JUST WANNA TALK.

~~~~~~~

Bad: Why are you guys acting like this?

Boomer: Oh, we’re not acting. We really are like this.

~~~~~~

Techno: Dream has only knocked me out three times this week. Our friendship is really developing.

~~~~~~

Tommy: You’re pathetic!

Wilbur: You’re pathetic-er!

Techno: You’re both losers.

~~~~~~

Bad: I wish I could help you, but I shorn’t.

Skeppy: Bad, please!

Bad: What part of shorn’t don’t you understand?

~~~~~~

Tubbo: Why did you leave Wrestlemania on for Michal?

Ranboo: They need to learn how to protect us.

~~~~~~

Antfrost: I regret getting dragged into your heterosexual tomfoolery.

~~~~~~

Bad: Strawberry milk doesn’t taste like strawberry OR milk.

Skeppy: Go the fuck to sleep Bad!

Bad: LANGUAGE!!

~~~~~~

Ranboo: Tubbo, please calm down.

Tubbo: I asked for two large fries!

Tubbo: *dumps fries onto table*

Tubbo: But all they did was give me a MILLION FUCKING LITTLE ONES!

~~~~~~

Bad: That was the worst throw ever. Of all time.

Skeppy: Not my fault. Somebody put a wall in the way.

~~~~~~

Wilbur: When you’ve been on the internet for as long as I have, you develop thick skin.

Tommy: Navy blue isn’t your color.

Wilbur: Navy blue brings out my eyes you prick! *Chases after Tommy*

~~~~~~

Bad: *Pulls a glass a water from out of nowhere*

Puffy: Where did you get that?.

Bad: My pocket.

Puffy: How do you keep a glass of water in your pocket?

Bad: Skills.

~~~~~~

Tubbo: I will come to your house after work and knock on your window at 11 AM. You will not open the curtains, knowing full well what awaits you, but the knocking only grows louder, more demanding. Finally it stops, your ears ringing. You nervously let out a breath you didn't know you were holding. You're safe now. Minutes pass by and you start to relax. And then you hear a knock at the front door. Like before, you stay still and clutch the blankets around you. You try to tell your self that it's just your imagination. Maybe the milk man? But why would he come so late? Everyone else was asleep, save for Naomi who was playing video games down stairs. To your relief, the knocking stops after a few. Minutes and you breath easy once more. Until you hear a knock on your bedroom door. You don't move. It's just your imagination. She isn't here. She can't be here. You tell yourself, shutting your eyes and willing yourself to sleep. The knock comes again, but with horror you realize that it came from the closet inside your room. You know that you have no choice. You get up, climbing out of bed with shaking limbs. You walk to the closest, trembling, and holding back the tears threatening to spill over your porcelain cheeks. You hesitate with your hand over the closet handle. Maybe it's just your imagination? She's not really there. You can go to sleep and laugh it off in the morning. Your naive thoughts are cut off by another, more demanding knock on the closet door, inches from your face. You know what you have to do. You open the closet door, and there she stands. Chuck e cheese, the mouse looms over you in the dim light. It's soulless eyes boor into you. It raises its arms, and you flinch as it begins to floss at lightning speed. Tears spill over your cheeks. This is the last thing you'll ever see.

Ranboo: Wait, Chuck e cheese’s pronouns are she/her? Trans Chuck e cheese? Good for her.

~~~~~~~~

Bad: Would you like something to drink? *They opened the fridge* We have water, milk, juice, spiders, Dr. Pepper-

Quackity: Spiders?

Bad: Spiders it is then.

Quackity: No, that wasn’t-

*But they were already pouring him a brimming glass of spiders…

~~~~~~

Puffy : Make her pussy wet not her eyes.

Velvet : Make his dick hard not his life.

Punz : Break her bed not her heart.

Skeppy : Play with his boobs not his feelings.

Ant : Get on his dick not his nerves.

Bad : Always salt your pasta while boiling it.

~~~~~~~

Wilbur: Bet you can’t eat 15 crayons!

Tommy: Bet you I can!

Phil: *sips coffee, checks to make sure 911 is still on speed dial, and goes back to reading the paper*

~~~~~~~

Ant: We need a way to lure in new customers?

Ponk: Maybe we could have some fun, interactive events!

Skeppy: Badboyhalo bath water.

Bad: ABSOLUTELY NOT!

~~~~~~~~

Fundy: GET BACK HERE YOU DUMB FUCK!

Wilbur: LET ME RUN FROM THE CONSEQUENCES OF MY ACTIONS!

~~~~~~~~

Bad: Mint is just cold spicy.

Pummel party Squad: …

Gumi: What the actual fuck is wrong with you.

~~~~~~~~

Quackity: Isn’t it amazing how I can feel so bad and still look so good?

~~~~~~~

Tommy: Why does my arm shake and turn bright red when I’m eating dirt?

Phil:

Phil: Why are you eating dirt?

Tommy: Did I ask you if I should eat dirt? No, so answer my question.

~~~~~~~

Tubbo: I wish I could control wasps and bees to sting my enemies.

Quackity: You’re too young to have enemies.

Tubbo: You don’t even know.

~~~~~~~~

Skeppy: Is there a cactus where your heart should be?

Puffy: What’s up your ass this morning!

Bad: *walks in* …Hi!!

Puffy: Hmm… nevermind.

Skeppy: WAIT NO!

~~~~~~~~

Skeppy: Ha! Don’t you know the trappers trap can trap the trapper?

Skeppy: I must be losing it, I’m quoting Bad.

~~~~~~~

Skeppy: Bad, I sense hostility.

Bad: Good, because I hate you

~~~~~~~

Bad: Are you a painting?

Skeppy: What-?

Bad: Because I want to pin you to a wall.

Skeppy: OH GOD I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO SAY YOU WANTED TO HANG ME OR SOMETHING-

~~~~~~

Tommy: You’re giving me a sticker?

Phil: Not just a sticker. That is a sticker of a kitty saying “me-wow!”

Tommy: I’m not a preschooler.

Phil: Fine, I’ll take it back-

Tommy: I earned this, back off!

~~~~~~

Dream, sweating: George, there’s something I need to ask you-

George: Finally! You’re proposing!

Dream: How’d you know?

George: Dream, you’ve dropped the ring five times during dinner.

George: I even picked it up once

~~~~~~~~

*Bad and Skeppy looking at a locked gate into a park*

Bad: Aw. :(

Skeppy: You know what they say.

Bad: Please don’t-

Skeppy: BE GAY DO CRIME! *hops gate*

Bad: Frick-

~~~~~~~~

let me know if ya’ll want more <3

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