They stole my yesterday
To give to a tomorrow
Which isn’t yet is
And I cannot be without being without
And I am nothing yet without within before
And I will haven’t acted for today
Without my readiness for now’s untold yesterdays.
Farewell unto the unprepared haven’t and is
Greetings by the windswept won’t and whereafters of the already happened.
Saw fit by the isn’t
Out with the happen
So I may will proclaim the presence of a begotten yesterday to a present tomorrow.
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12.5.22
i feel like i'm always fighting something bigger than i am. i lose people who didn't deserve me, i keep people who don't deserve me. i love people who take advantage of my niceties. i still fall for them all. i still mourn them. i long for people who no longer exist. i am in love with memories. i want to yell.
PICK ON SOMEONE YOUR OWN SIZE!!!!
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Long time no write
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A Thousand Years
No longer a sapling under the canopy
I have risen far above all
My leaves now a shimmering gold
As I look far below at the world I once knew
Forever changing, forever embracing
I recall days long passed
Once a raging river as blue as the sky above
Flew by as deers would dance
And birds would sing of its beauty
Growing from its remains the forest of serpentine and malachite hues
Spread like moss across the land
And distant cries of wolves rang through the nights
Once, children playing sang to me of courage and values
With axes and hoes a field of amber was birthed
Flowing like the raging river there once was
Once a man came to rest on me
He sang to me a song of love and sadness
Now the field has become cinders
Building upon the ashes
Waste and smoke filled the air
As men built their structures far and wide
Now night has disappeared and howls of wolves is merely a distant memory
Men and women have forgotten my voice, my value.
I have become just one
Though last autumn an angel from lands afar
Known for her furious burning rage and endless wisdom
Spoke of something I knew
But so desperately needed to hear
To see her cloak of the silver winter, flickering with fallen leaves
Untouched by time
Gave me great joy
She was like a mighty wind on a sapling swaying my branches
And her voice bellowed through all the land
"Do you believe?"
“Do you believe, as fallen leaves this world will change again”
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This is like poetry to me
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— Audrey Niffenegger, from ‘The Time Traveller's Wife’ (via lunamonchtuna)
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the crucible (1953) - arthur miller
“ough”
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at some point it's just like. do they even fucking like the thing they're asking AI to make? "oh we'll just use AI for all the scripts" "we'll just use AI for art" "no worries AI can write this book" "oh, AI could easily design this"
like... it's so clear they've never stood in the middle of an art museum and felt like crying, looking at a piece that somehow cuts into your marrow even though the artist and you are separated by space and time. they've never looked at a poem - once, twice, three times - just because the words feel like a fired gun, something too-close, clanging behind your eyes. they've never gotten to the end of the movie and had to arrive, blinking, back into their body, laughing a little because they were holding their breath without realizing.
"oh AI can mimic style" "AI can mimic emotion" "AI can mimic you and your job is almost gone, kid."
... how do i explain to you - you can make AI that does a perfect job of imitating me. you could disseminate it through the entire world and make so much money, using my works and my ideas and my everything.
and i'd still keep writing.
i don't know there's a word for it. in high school, we become aware that the way we feel about our artform is a cliche - it's like breathing. over and over, artists all feel the same thing. "i write because i need to" and "my music is how i speak" and "i make art because it's either that or i stop existing." it is such a common experience, the violence and immediacy we mean behind it is like breathing to me - comes out like a useless understatement. it's a cliche because we all feel it, not because the experience isn't actually persistent. so many of us have this ... fluttering urgency behind our ribs.
i'm not doing it for the money. for a star on the ground in some city i've never visited. i am doing it because when i was seven i started taking notebooks with me on walks. i am doing it because in second grade i wrote a poem and stood up in front of my whole class to read it out while i shook with nerves. i am doing it because i spent high school scribbling all my feelings down. i am doing it for the 16 year old me and the 18 year old me and the today-me, how we can never put the pen down. you can take me down to a subatomic layer, eviscerate me - and never find the source of it; it is of me. when i was 19 i named this blog inkskinned because i was dramatic and lonely and it felt like the only thing that was actually permanently-true about me was that this is what is inside of me, that the words come up over everything, coat everything, bloom their little twilight arias into every nook and corner and alley
"we're gonna replace you". that is okay. you think that i am writing to fill a space. that someone said JOB OPENING: Writer Needed, and i wrote to answer. you think one raindrop replaces another, and i think they're both just falling. you think art has a place, that is simply arrives on walls when it is needed, that is only ever on demand, perfect, easily requested. you see "audience spending" and "marketability" and "multi-line merch opportunity"
and i see a kid drowning. i am writing to make her a boat. i am writing because what used to be a river raft has long become a fully-rigged ship. i am writing because you can fucking rip this out of my cold dead clammy hands and i will still come back as a ghost and i will still be penning poems about it.
it isn't even love. the word we use the most i think is "passion". devotion, obsession, necessity. my favorite little fact about the magic of artists - "abracadabra" means i create as i speak. we make because it sluices out of us. because we look down and our hands are somehow already busy. because it was the first thing we knew and it is our backbone and heartbreak and everything. because we have given up well-paying jobs and a "real life" and the approval of our parents. we create because - the cliche again. it's like breathing. we create because we must.
you create because you're greedy.
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oh my god there are so many books to read and instruments to learn and languages to speak and poems to write and oranges to eat and ideologies to study and songs to sing and films to watch and people to kiss and
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e.e. cummings, from “in time of daffodils(who know” (in 95 Poems), Complete Poems: 1904-1962
[Text ID: “In time of daffodils(who know
the goal of living is to grow)”]
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Ocean Vuong, from “Reasons for Staying.” [ID in alt text]
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2 kinds of grad students (both massive nerds)
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For old times sake is actually such a heartbreaking and beautiful sentiment. Like, let’s do it for the love that used to be here. It is reason enough.
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