Honestly, the best self help/mental health book I've read is Wisdom of Wolves by Elli H Radinger.
I think it's because it's not entirely meant as a self help book? She just writes about the behaviour of wild animals and then suggests the things we might learn from them. Things like honouring your emotions, making sure to play and have fun, creating a community and spending time in nature.
It didn't make me feel like I have to hustle all the time or that all my sadness and anxiety aren't real or are my fault.
If you like animals and nature and you'd like some advice in a book form, I recommend this book a lot.
Hi all, it's werelivingarts. I just stumbled across this method called ‘eat the frog', which means you get the most difficult or important task out of your way first. I actually have been using this method for a long time, hope this post gives you a new way of managing your time and productivity! 😜
“If it's your job to eat a frog, it's best to do it first thing in the morning. And if it's your job to eat two frogs, it's best to eat the biggest one first.” -- Mark Twain
be proud of all of your small victories. you only snoozed your alarm twice today instead seven times. you changed out of pyjamas and into actual clothes. you found a new song that makes you want to dance. you smiled at a stranger and they smiled back. life doesn’t have to be all about getting first place every time or always being the best. a win is still a win, no matter how small.
plot feeling a little empty in the middle? here’s some food for thought.
actions have consequences. things that your characters do inevitably can affect other people around them. what might they have done in the past that could come back and serve as an obstacle? or, maybe, what could they do now that could possibly raise the stakes just a little bit more?
subplots! be mindful of the subplots you’re adding - but sometimes it might be a good idea to include one if your plot is feeling a little bit empty. not only can it tie back into the overarching struggle, but it could also serve as a way to explore one of your characters or points further.
character exploration. get to know your characters a little bit better! let your readers find out something new. connecting and understanding the people within your story is important if you want your readers to grow attached to them.
world exploration. similar to the previous point, with the addition of creating a greater sense of familiarity of the circumstances that your story is taking place in. remember that nobody else knows the world of your wip as well as you do - illustrate it even further so everyone else can grasp it even better.
let your characters bond! maybe there’s a lull in the plot. if your characters have the chance to take a breather and get to know the people around them, let them! it might help flesh out or even realistically advance their relationships with each other.
Fixing your sleeping schedule - Yes, way harder than it seems and I completely understand if your job gets in the way; just make sure you're getting you 7-8 hours of sleep bb. Naps are great too!
Eating fucking breakfast - Bagels, cereal, smoothie or just a banana anything to fill your tummy up with food for your meds or vitamins! Treat your body as if you were a toddler!
Smelling good - Super hard to get into the shower sometimes, and I know how comfy your bed is but it needs to happen mama. Dry Shampoo and baby wipes if you’re in a pinch
SKIN CARE - Even i’m trying to keep up with this one, and don't forget sunscreen! I can hear your pores crying for help!!
Complete hygiene routine - this is one of those where it varies from person to person. Ex: brushing teeth 2x a day, Complete showers (exfoliating, hair mask, the full routine) not just quick body showers anymore. Whatever works for you!
Screen time - whether it's TikTok, Tumblr, Instagram you need to stay off of it babe, even 30 minutes make a HUGE difference. When ur in public and have anxiety that's completely fine but try to find something that stimulates your mind like books, articles, podcasts!! Maybe like mine, ‘Your Go-To Bitch’ available anywhere you listen to podcasts! ;>
Deadlines - TBH anything that you haven't gotten done! Even if they don't have a deadline, let's all get our shit together!, ADHD laundry piles, taking out the trash, deadlines for work all of the above! Let’s ease our minds a little more. Don’t forget to go at your own pace.
Deep cleaning - This is another one that will vary from person to person but one thing i advise is CLEAN YOUR FUCKING ELECTRONICS!! Your phone, AirPods, laptop etc! Just please do it!!!
Make a DEEP WORK playlist - is there that one music genre or couple of songs that make you feel and be productive? Create a playlist that keeps you on your grind and get some shit done!
Go to therapy - this one might be a little harder because of the U.S. healthcare system but there are plenty of free resources online.
Spend time with loved ones - No seriously, real loved ones! Family may not your first chance, mine definitely isn't but hanging out with people that make you feel like your floating does wonders which bring me to another point
Communication - Tell people how you really are feeling, I know it might feel like you're a burden or annoying but you're not! Talk/rant about your shitty day at work and if they seem annoyed or burdened by you FUCK THEM!!! Your feelings are valid and you deserve to be heard. (REVISON: I don’t mean emotionally unloading on some one without their permission, I mean bad friends who roll their eyes, gaslight you into thinking that it’s just your mental illness, and switch up on you every Tuesday . Just people who don’t want to see you winning babe!!!)
Recreate a Nostalgic Meal - Now I’m not saying you have to have a whole ratatouille moment over your dinner but make/recreate something that brings you instant peace, your inner child might miss it more than you think babe.
Don’t forget your worth babe! - I know how hard it is, I used to always look at posts like this and roll my eyes but I hate to admit it but it helps! Don’t forget that you are that fucking bitch and keep your head held up HIGH!
Hi Lumen, first off I apologize if this type of question has already been answered or if I am long-winded. How exactly does one go about changing and improving their life when starting from zero? I have had depression and ADHD since I was a kid and it (and, of course, myself) has kept me behind in life. Now that my symptoms are being treated…I’m unsure of how to go forward. I don’t really have any hobbies, skills, or goals. My apartment is a mess, I spend a lot of time on social media, and I have no structure in my day. I do want to change my life and level up if you will, but a lot of tips I see online are for people who already have a general structure or foundation in their life. I was hoping for some tips for those of us with none. How do you go about developing a routine, skills, hobbies, etc from zero? Thank you. 🤍
First off, let me say how brave you are for being honest with yourself and making the conscious choice to turn things around!
I was in your shoes 2-3 years ago, before I started my glow up journey, so I can completely relate to the feeling of being lost, finding my life a chaos... and the only certainty I had was that I was absolutely determined to create a better life for myself.
For this reason, I curated a masterlist below for all the posts, articles and guides I've written either on tumblr or on my blog. My advice is right now start with tidying up your home, because a clean, organized home will inspire a clean, organized mental & emotional landscape. It starts there.
Then it's time for reading and research! You should focus on leveling up your mindset, for it will always be your foundation for everything else.
I've ordered each list in chronological order for one's glow up process, building in complexity and experience; and also highlighted the ones that will be most useful for someone starting from zero.
My 30-day mindset glow up challenge (tag)
How to develop a growth mindset
11 Keys to a successful mindset
Traits of successful entrepreneurs and CEOs
Prioritize your mental health in your 9-to-5 job with these strategies
Why you keep failing your yearly goals (and how to fix it)
Why you should stop associating productivity with self worth
Truths that have changed my life
How to get (and keep) Your Life Together 101
Tips to get started on your journey of self development
Things I wish I knew at 21 (a letter to my past self)
What I wish I knew before starting my glow up journey
The healing power of morning rituals
How to be happy (you deserve the gift of happiness)
How to cultivate inner peace: daily practices
How to be a high value woman
Cheatcodes that will elevate your life
Selflove / Selfcare:
Things that encourage self-love in your journey of healing
The stages of living authentically
The art of being your authentic self
What happens when you embody your authentic self...
A manifesto of selflove
What happens when you practice self love daily...
Ways we self-sabotage & how to stop It
My journey of healing: how selflove & selfcare changed my life
It’s time for you to heal: a guided meditation
Essential selfcare habits for entrepreneurs
5 secrets to stay on top of your finances
Tips for smart shopping
How to be classy
My guide for classy nails
Tips to always look polished
Toxic vs. healing relationships
Things every woman should know about love
How to get over a break up: a guide for healing
Why the “ride or die” mentality Is self-sabotage
8 dating commandments of the high value woman
Red flags of low value men (LVM)
Green flags of the high value man (HVM)
High value: misconceptions, what it is and what it's not
High value dating: do’s and don’ts
5 things stopping you from high-value dating & how to overcome them
How to know you’ve found the one
As someone who had to learn these things the hard way, I hope sharing my experiences and advice proves as useful to others as it was for me. 💞✨
You can bookmark this list and go over it at your own pace, by your own rules. The point is to just start. Much luck darling! 🥂
now as a fellow drago– i mean, asexual person, i decided to write all of this down and help you write asexual characters !
first of all: "what the hell is asexual?" you ask. asexual means not sexually attracted to anyone.
"is asexual lgbt+, can i refer to it by a part of that community?" absolutely yes ! it is actually recommended to do so, as we're facing a *lot* of acephobia and exclusionism
"is asexual and aromantic the same?" nope! these are two different terms, with different terminologies
"so someone asexual might be aromantic, but also might not be...how does that work?" these two terms stand independent from each other. one can be asexual and aromantic (typically referred to as aroace), asexual and alloromantic (alloromantic = attracted to people romantically), and aromantic and allosexual (allosexual = sexually attracted to people)
"that's confusing" let's break it down then !
aroace → not attracted to anyone, romantically or sexually
asexual alloromantic → attracted to people romantically but not sexually
allosexual aromantic → attracted to people sexually but not romantically
asexuals are casually referred to as aces !
aromantics are casually referred to as aros !
"can aces have sex then?" yup ! if they want to, that is.
"is celibacy = asexuality?" nope !
Celibacy is a voluntary vow of sexual abstinence.
Asexuality is a lack of sexual attraction.
"do aces masturbate?" if they want to, yeah !
"are aces disgusted by sex?" depends individually ! there are aces who are, by definition, disgusted by sex and they're called sex-repulsed aces !
"is asexuality strict or is it a spectrum?" a spectrum ! there's actually a really handy scale !
↑ a lot of identities fall somewhere on the scale !
one example: a demisexual person → someone who feels sexual attraction only towards people they have a close emotional connection with
"so i can write them doing the dirty?" as long as they consent to it, fuckin' go on !
"is asexuality a disorder?" it's not actually ! it's a sexuality. like you wouldn't diagnose someone with gay, you wouldn't diagnose someone with asexual either !
"any harmful stereotypes?" unfortunately, yeah. some harmful stereotypes:
~ asexual people don't have sex ever
→ there are people that do have sex regularly and there's nothing wrong with that !
~ asexual people don't feel anything
→ a lot of asexual people are alloromantic and very much attracted to people romantically. however, even if they're aroace, they still feel something, they're not robots !
~ asexual haha plants !
→ just don't. it's harmful, really, we're humans just as much as you are !
~ aces are just awkward virgins !
→ i mean, some of us, sure, but not every ace is a virgin nor is awkward ! i met some of the most outgoing and flirty people who are asexual !
"but relationships can't work without sex!" I'm sorry, but you're reducing your partner to sex. it's almost like you're making them, us, be in a relationship just to please you. don't do that ! now I'm not saying wanting sex in a relationship is bad, on the contrary ! if you're not comfortable or happy in a relationship without sex, say it in the beginning ! make it easier for both parties
"oh that's just because you're disabled" and here i stand, both mentally and physically disabled person, answering this. no it's not about the disability. if i were to be neurotypical and physically able, I'd still be asexual ! don't make your characters asexual because of a disability. asexual characters can be disabled, but the disability shouldn't be the reason for their asexuality.
"it's just a phase, you'll know when you grow up and meet the right person." asexuality is a sexual orientation. it's not turned off when i meet the right person. a gay person does not turn straight magically when they meet the right person.
"that's because of the dysphoria" again, asexuality is a sexual orientation, not a choice or something caused by dysphoria or low self esteem. transgender or nonbinary aces are not asexual because of the dysphoria. they're asexual because they don't feel sexual attraction !
"oh so you were molested." ← that's the worst thing you can ever say. not just to an asexual person but in general. it's none of your business whether i was or wasn't. sexual abuse is not a cause of someone's asexuality. sexual repulsion *might* be, though it's not yours to ask.
"are there any good stereotypes?" there are ! there are things associated with aces that we love and that are also very true :
we love dragons !
we love cakes !
we make awesome puns ! you can say we ace them :)
sarcastic assholes. do it. write this character. I'll read your book and then pay you a million dollars.
swords. daggers. gimme
"can i point out that someone is ace without explicitly saying it?" yup ! black ring on the middle finger ! a small bracelet with black gray white and purple in that order ! breathing fir– anyways
"robots?" no. you can make robots asexual but you can't make the reason for their asexuality be the fact that they're not human.
"aliens?" no. you can make aliens asexual but you can't make the reason for their asexuality be the fact that they're not from this planet.
for the record, you absolutely can make asexual robot and an asexual alien date
"so yes sex if consent, no sex if repulsed, no sexual attraction, could be romantic attraction, and aces very cool?" yup ! you get it !
thank you for your attention
i hope this helped, if you have any more questions, I'm more than willing to answer them !
So my therapist and I were talking today about ADHD brains, and what "executive function" means, and we discovered a really interesting thing about how my brain works. I don't know how much it will extend to other people, but I'm throwing it out there in case it's useful for anyone else.
Usually it takes me about 1.5 - 2 hours each morning, to go from "booting up my computer" to "actually starting on my first task". This is true whether I work from home or work in the office, whether it's a coding day or a meeting day, whether I jump out of bed when the alarm goes off or if I'm very seriously giving consideration to sleeping under my desk while my computer boots. I don't want it to take that long, but extensive experimentation has shown that it definitely does.
Today I decided to try an experiment. Instead of my normal morning routine (where I check email, IMs, to-do list, and self-care list, and compile that into an enormous to-do list for the day, then sort that list in order of "if everything goes sideways and I get to only one thing, what thing will be the most painful if it happens tomorrow instead of today", and then set up multiple desktops on my macbook so that each task -- including "brush teeth" has its own desktop, and then put the desktops in the assigned priority-order), I decided I'd just jump right into my first task, and see if I could get myself a hyper-focused hour of work before someone came into the office to bug me.
It. Was. Terrible.
I mean, I got the task done, in record time. Then I checked Tumblr. Then I checked Facebook. Then I composed a summary of David Graeber's argument that the European Age of Exploitation cannot be understood without knowing why the Chinese decided to abandon paper money. Then I replied to all my Facebook messages. Then I helped Jessica at work set up her code. There followed a relatively productive afternoon where I helped my boss sort out a personnel problem, set priorities for our department, contributed to one meeting, ran yet another meeting, got consensus on a project, and helped Jessica again -- but I didn't eat my midmorning snack until 1pm, I never did brush my teeth, and my knees are killing me because all through the second meeting my body was sending "This posture hurts! Change position! Get! Up!" signals, and I couldn't summon the focus to actually move from the floor to the couch. By the time my therapist called, my phone was on 3% and I couldn't find my bluetooth headphones. I'm still 400 calories under my target for the day, because I missed 900 calories during my workday and I couldn't figure out how to add more than 500 calories to my dinner.
So my therapist and I talked about this strange mix of symptoms: knocking out task after task of helping people at work, but unable to feed myself; incredibly highly effective code debugging, but also getting lost in Tumblr for an hour. I wasn't under-stimulated, but I also didn't get to pick what I focused on. And he talked about how executive function isn't just one thing, which I knew, but mentioned specifically that one element of executive function is taking your own initiative, deciding your actions for yourself, rather than just reacting to stimuli. And it hit me ---
I can't do that.
I thrive in hyper-focused development environments, where I react to each compiler error by debugging the error ... but I break down when the compiler runs without error; I don't know what to do if I don't have the error-stimulus deciding my actions.
I thrive in high-multi-tasking environments like running a retail store at Christmas, where I do a task, and then look around and see which notification is the highest priority, and then do that task. But I struggle in January and February, when all the customers are gone and I don't know what to do.
And today, I was entirely stimulus-driven. Jessica asked for help, and I helped her. Kathy commented on Facebook, and I replied to her. Ryan asked about a report, and I explained it to him. Mark brought up something that reminded me of David Graeber, and I typed up a history essay. Anything that didn't have a notification -- brushing my teeth, eating my snack, charging my phone -- didn't get done.
And that's when it hit me. My usual morning routing isn't a waste of 2 hours. It's setting up my environment so that I will be stimulated to do the things I want to do.
I have barely any initiative-decide-for-myself at all. I get one (1) intitiativon each morning, and I have to spend it wisely. And what I do with it, each day, is set up the stimuli I will experience throughout the day.
I finish a task and close that desktop: the next desktop pops up with a note that says "Meditate."
I finish meditating and close the desktop: the next desktop pops up with an email I need to reply to.
I finish that email and close that desktop: the next one pops up with a note that says "Order groceries."
I don't have any initiative left by that point, but I don't need to: I get the stimulus to do my work, maintain my health, connect with friends, and clean my house, and I'm too executive-dysfunction-deprived to do anything but respond to stimulus, and so I do all those things.
This explains why I need to leave such specific directions to myself: not “write chapter 5″, but “Open C:/Documents/Writing/NovelTitle/Chapter5.doc”. The first one isn’t a stimulus to action; the second one is.
It's also why I have such a hard time with "leisure", and why my "randomized leisure activity" deck helped me so much; because by the time I get to the end of the day, and I'm out of spoons and I have earned a fun and relaxing evening.... I cannot -- by definition -- decide what would be fun and relaxing.
Like I say, I have no idea whether that will be any good for anyone else, but it prompted some interesting introspection, and I wanted to share.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I still need to go brush my teeth
Quick tip: When your sub is sad or depressed, ask them if they need more of your dominance or less of it.
Some subs will want you to be really present and consistent with your structure and leadership so that they feel taken care of and have the motivation to keep going.
Others will want to take a step back from submitting so that they can let go of pressure and focus on self care.
If they want more: Be firm but kind. Remind them of their rules and responsibilities (more than once if necessary). Remind them of their rewards and consequences. Praise them a lot when they follow through.
If they want less: Reassure them that it's okay to take a break every once in a while. Make sure they know they aren't letting you down, and that you'll be ready to take control whenever they are feeling up to it.
[Pg.259 - 265] This is the end of my book studies. I’m pretty proud to have gotten through it and do a handful of the exercises. But this is only step one, I’m moving onto more advance animation techniques and will be posting those as I complete them. At the moment I’m currently wrestling with Toon Boom, so we’ll see how that goes.