#tired of crying atp but fuck dude

[cloudyyoungjaes]

Despite it all, I’m still gaming

Content Warning: Vivid talks of mental health, suicide ideaion

A/N: I posted this on my self insert blog. Gonna post it here. Might’ve doxxed my location. idc atp. i’m tired.

I still agonize about being alive. Video games are a way to keep my mind off everything…even if it’s for a while. It’s not much, it’s distracting me from homework that I need to do. I’m actually considering going to the Redbird Gaming Center every day if I could.

I’m in 5 gaming clubs: Redbird Esports, Redbird Final Fantasy XIV, Redbird Yu-Gi-Oh!, Red Bird Fighting Game Club, and Board Game Club @ ISU, though I don’t consider myself a part of the Esports club. Out of the five clubs that I’m in, I’m only active in 3 of their Discord servers, and 2 that I go to meet in person…which is fighting game club and Yu-Gi-Oh! Club. Sometimes FFXIV clubs meet up in the gaming center. All three sometimes meet on the same day. It’s a lot. It also makes me feel like I’m wanted, that I actually want to be around people even if it’s only for an hour or two…or five sometimes. Normally, I would avoid going or if I do go, I only stay for an hour or two. My social battery is always on the fritz unfortunately. It’s always one use away from exploding.

But being around people while playing games? Seeing people play in person? It makes me feel alive. For once in my dull life, the rush of colors fills my eyes. Monochrome slowly turning into this natural sunlight as I enter Schroder 210 at 6pm on a Saturday night. The room is dark as Doc’s sitting near the door on his phone. Car Fax and another dude battle it out in BlazBlue Cross Tag projected on one wall. Ethan is off in the corner playing Dengeki Bunko FIGHTING CLIMAX IGNITION on his usual set up. I’m about to pull out the laptop and ask Doc if I can borrow his fighting stick for the nth since the club’s formation because I want to get on the Bridget grind in Guilty Gear Strive.

I’m about to get my ass kicked in Strive by Car Fax again.

I play against Car Fax and get my ass handed to me, again. Ten times in a row. Against his Leo. Because it’s Car Fax and no one dares to win against him nine times out of ten (he is really that good). I block and I get a few hits in; my left hand rotates the stick while my right mashes the face buttons trying to remember Bridgett combos. Yells of pain from our characters on screen ring in my ear as Bridgett flies across the screen, swinging her yo-yos at Leo only to get blocked and then my ass proceeds to get beat.

(“Learn how to block”, he says to me, going for yet another fucking mixup.

‘I’M FUCKING BLOCKING!!!’ I cry back as I get attacked again, struggling to hold backwards on stick while getting blasted by said fucking mixup. Doc’s holding a lecture on Red Ranger combos in the background.

‘Not on wake up you don’t!’ and I lose. Again.)

My left wrist is in pain, unfortunately Strive’s movements take a toll on my wrist, but a smile appears on my face. I’m having fun. A high if you will, like my heart feels lighter…the sadness disappears for that one moment. (I just want to feel happy again)

I’m at the gaming center yet again on a Tuesday at 12:15 pm after my Linguistics class. Debating whether to skip my Rhetoric class again as I boot up Final Fantasy XIV. I don’t want to go to class…But I also don’t want to fail that class. But having to feel stupid in that class—

The game boots up and I hum. What do I want to do today? Continue Hildibrand’s wacky ass adventures? The Heavensward patches are only two quests a piece totaling 8 quests but I’ve done 2 of them so that’s 6 quest left. But the cutscenes…and I don’t want to skip the cutscenes. The cutscenes look so good with the gaming center’s computers; like I can turn the graphics up to max settings and not worry about lagging.

Level up Dark Knight to 70? All the roulettes are always full of “Tank in Need” but…tanking gives me anxiety. Having to remember to press my mitigations so I don’t overwork the healer, unsure on what I’m doing as a tank rather than a DPS doing only damage, not to mention the last time I tanked…I got goaded pulling big piles of enemies. It was horrifying, I don’t want my party members to die--

Level Bard to 90?? There are barely any “DPS in Need” popups in roulette. Also leveling from 80 to 90 is such a pain in the ass. I don’t get any of the higher level dungeons, but I somehow get the higher level raids and I don’t want to go through that. I died several times to Omega because I don’t remember the fight. At all.

I lean back in my chair, watching my character just stand there as one of my chats pop off. Tired…I’m so tired. Maybe I should just vibe? The room’s plenty dark with only red lights lighting the room. It’s not blaring too; it doesn’t give me a headache.

…I’m going to skip class today. I don’t think my heart can handle being in there right now. A sigh. I check Discord to see if anyone pinged to do anything today. No one did.

Another sigh. Alright, today is a day of fucking around in roulette with Bard and Crystalline Conflict with Black Mage, I guess.

At least I get to see explosions go boom in Crystalline Conflict. I mean. I die a lot like usual, but the explosions and getting my skills off was nice. Roulette as Bard, on the other hand…

Well, at least I have my three songs; I can at least be at full power (or as I can, as I get my ass beaten by Omega. Again. I keep forgetting the knockback exists and I fall off the edge, screaming for a healer to revive me). I mean. We defeated Omega, but I’m still fucking dead. I go into Alliance Roulette, and I get Weeping City of Mhach and I fucking hate this raid because the first boss gives me so much psychic damage because it’s a spider of all bosses I hate this boss I hate this boss I hate this fucking boss; whoever has their Item Level set to Weeping City I hope you don’t get high parses if you do savage you fucking IDIOT I HATE IT HERE--

I’m already tired after NOT dying after that first boss, but regular dungeon roulette is a pain and I certainly do NOT want to do 50/60/70/80 dungeon roulette; I do NOT have the spoons to deal with dungeon roulette. Love this game, hate how I’m about to explode because of that raid I got. I would’ve preferred Algia because at least I got to die to Thal’s Balls and God do I fucking love balls. Especially dying to them; those are always fun. Love getting the balance mechanic right and Nald’Thal saying “Well Done! You are deserving of a Reward!” gives me so much fucking serotonin you don’t understand.

(I wish someone gave me a headpat and praise like that. I think that will make my life a bit better.)

…

Yeah, I’m just going to fuck around with Hildibrand and his whack ass adventures until like 1:30 and then go home and nap…Don’t want to deal with anything today.

(Or ever. I don’t want to deal with anything ever. I just want my life to be over with.)

    It’s this extreme high of happiness that keeps me going up and up. So high up I can taste the cold rushing into my lungs until I crash in the ground. Hard. And I start isolating myself from everyone again.

I wish I was dead.

I wish I was dead.

I wish I was dead

I don’t think anyone understands how much I hate myself and I wish everything would stop but I can’t do anything about it and how burnt out I am just for existing. It’s like I’m a puppet on a string and some higher being is my puppet master trying to poke my ass to do something. I guess playing games gives me some form of normalcy…or self. Because what does me screaming while tanking or me constantly losing in Guilty Gear Strive say about me? I dunno, and I don’t want to fuck around and find out if we’re being honest.

Video games gave me something to look forward to but it’s false hope in my eyes. Final Fantasy XIV has patches planned while we wait for the next expansion. Fighting game tournaments are always popping up; I want to get better at them so I can compete and represent the fighting game club. I want to commentate a Guilty Gear tournament; I want to be like the legendary commentators like Bronston Tran and D1 and Croney. I want to be able to be able to just play and not worry about anything ever but everything happens and it sucks; I want to experience that childlike joy again and again and

I—

I want to live. I want to live to do those things. To compete, to see the newest expansion, to be able to commentate a match or a livestream. I want, I want, I want—

But at the same time…I’m tired of being alive. It’s this pull between wanting to live because of games and dying because I’m a failure at everything else. I’m teetering at the edge of staying alive long enough to see those things and dying to hide my failures from my family because I would rather play games and learn about gaming than doing my degree.

But I can’t tell them that; I’m already seen as the family disappointment. I can’t bear it; I know I’m a failure in life…I don’t want to be reminded again. No one else knows that gaming is one of the only things keeping me alive; they don’t know that I want to die oh so badly.

Despite it all, I still have to march on. If I can’t live for myself, at least for the games I can still play. For their stories and communities to etch in my still beating heart.

#swing.mp3 (Writings) #shesintherain.mp3 (Sad Talk)

[pinkadork]

Its weird because i have bern feeling "better" but like hole left is still there. Knowing you hate my guts (rightfully so) and that its dead asf. Im fine with it i think it just hurts like a bitch. Like fuck dude, im so tired of feeling like even when i think im good that my hearts like calling out still.

Idk its confusing bc like i miss them but also feel like i wouldn't do anything but cry anyways atp

#pinkadorkdiaries #ugh please #shoot me

[silkylious]

*cries in crippling academic anxiety*

#bro im this -><- close to going bat shit insane #MY EXAMS AREN'T UNTIL OCTOBER AND I FEEL LIKE IM WASTING SO MUCH TIME #like i already started biology and that on its own is fucking destroying me mentally #fuck #and i still haven't found a psych teacher and MY EXAM IS IN OCTOBER I HAVE LIKE 2 MONTHS TO FINISH ALL THE MATERIAL #cries for the 14837463783836th time in a week #why is it so hard to find teachers dude what the fuck is this #LMAO MY MARKS ARE COMING OUT IN A COUPLE WEEKS TOOA #AND WHY IS IT SO HARD TO MAKE A CV ???? #IM HIGHLY QUALIFIED BUT THIS UGLY ASS CV FORMATTING IS GONNA MAKE EVERY SINGLE UNI ON EARTH REJECT ME IMMEDIATELY LOL #personal statement? suddenly i am Jared 19— #like #why are all my writing skills eluding me rn WHEN I NEED THEM MOST #bruh that's also wishful thinking on my part lmao what's to say i won't need to retake everything i did last session once marks come out #honestly might just self study my way through psych and pray to fuck i don't fail i NEED to start soon #*bangs head against wall* #oh yeah wait i might not even be QUALIFIED FOR EXAMINATION BECAUSE THE EDUCATION MINISTERY IS SHIT AHAHAHAH #😐 #the fact that my mom just had to travel this past month and won't be here for my birthday is a cherry on top #tired of crying atp but fuck dude #dl

[sadline-aurora]

dear person whoever may read this,

i’m just a bit confused as to why i was left on read? but okay. something has felt so off for a minute. and i can feel it that i can cry about it. but i won’t because i don’t know. i feel like i said or did something wrong. i just feel immensely guilty. bro it’s been two days with this dude. he’s 3 years younger than me and it’s seeming like i made a mistake thinking he’s on a maturer level. i don’t know. i just feel very weird about everything. i’m literally so sad and it’s probably because of the fact that he just left me on read. i don’t expect to text everyday. i don’t know. i feel like if i speak up, it’s too much. maybe this was a mistake. because its only been two days? but i don’t want to go through it again. maybe i should have stayed a lone. it feels like i’m being dramatic. but how can i be dramatic if this is exactly how i feel? bro not me listening to the saddest of songs rn loooool. i feel so empty of life. i don’t even know what to do with myself anymore. i feel like i’m always being judged. i feel like i’m too much. bro sometimes i just wish i didn’t exist because i feel like i’m taking too much space. i don’t know. maybe i shouldn’t have started dating. maybe i should have just stayed to myself. what if he just stops trying now that we’re together? i don’t even know what it means to communicate and understand anymore. i don’t even know how to function as a human being anymore. i guess i just feel so scared of what’s coming. i’m scared to ask for a sign because that could be the end. i’ll just pray to God about it and see what happens. why did it feel a bit easier when he was gone? we talked so much more when he was here?? and when he was back home? am i just boring? holy shit dude i feel so fucking stupid. why am I putting myself down right now? 

bro fuck allat i’m wonderful. i’m a great person. i’m funny. i’m amazing. i’m full of life. i’m just upset that he didn’t at least say “i’ll be busy today” because now i just wanna be passive. what the fuck ever. idc. like if you wanna play video games all day, i’ll leave you alone. just let me know bro??? whatever dude he’ll figure it out fr. if im honest i wanted to ghost everyone anyways. i’m tired asf.

this is so long and im sorry. im jus typing my feelings out atp.

till we meet again,

k

#diary entry