#tldr: treasure your family and your memories together

[ancient-day]

not the one who asked but oh PLEASE go on a rant about okumura, that pissed me off so bad how the game made him a victim and i never see anyone point it out

I’m gonna hope people don’t bring it up because we’re mostly in agreement that he was a shitty person, but I’ll definitely break it down to the best of my ability. Keep in mind that I’m not as articulate about the business end of his atrocities, but I’ll sure try my damnest.

So I think it’s impossible to overlook the fact that he took advantage of Shido’s mental shutdown / rampage incident business, and I don’t personally care if he knew or not that a teenager was carrying out these hits because the fact of the matter is that he probably didn’t care either, and it was through his will that his rivals and competitors were targeted and either killed or forced into scandal. I don’t think I need to elaborate on why this is just horrible, and it’s no surprise to me that Goro laughed and shot him twice for good measure.

He prioritizes profit over the well-being of his employees, literally working them to death, and viewing them as completely disposable without a single care. Their working conditions are abysmal, and they’re not even seen as human. We see the congnitions of his employees break down, accept their horrible treatment, and succumb to being overworked to death as a means of fueling the company. Haru herself says this is unforgivable and that she would not forgive him for viewing and treating his employees this way.

Now onto Sugimura because this is fucking disgusting. It’s already bad enough to treat your child like a tool and marry them off without an ounce of care for their own desires, but Okumura makes it even worse by willingly marrying her off to a pedophile. Okumura knows Sugimura is a creep. He’s fully aware. This is made clear in his palace when cognitive!Sugimura makes the comment: “a highschool fiancee, what a turn on!” And shadow!Okumura even says he’s totally fine just letting Sugimura have her as his sexual plaything without even marrying her. This alone is unforgivable, and personally I wanted that man dead on the spot lmao but good thing he only gets worse.

We see how he treats Haru in reality, controlling her and taking away any ounce of freedom over her own life she might still have. And then we also see him manipulate her just before the boss fight. He’s already treated his workers and his family this horribly, and then it’s revealed that this man wants to get into politics? That’s just a whole mess of fear and disgust I can barely tolerate touching.

I’d say that’s all, but this is probably my absolute favorite thing Atlus did. Now, in the dancing game, they had the opportunity to have Haru’s claims that he used to be better hold up to something. They had the chance to let her talk about him in a positive light so maybe we could actually buy that he wasn’t so bad. But what did they do instead? They had Haru discuss how her father neglected her and completely killed her love of ballet when she was a child. He encouraged the hobby just so he could brag about it to his friends, and he hardly if ever attended her recitals. She quit because it broke her heart.

Haru throughout the rest of the game tries to act like her father was a sweet man in the past, but there is no evidence to actually back that up. Had Atlus actually wanted to write him as a victim, he should’ve actually had moments of kindness like how Sae, despite already being distorted and having a palace, was acting with Makoto the night of the heist (smiling, promising to go to a hot springs together, giving light to who she maybe used to be). Instead, all we get is evidence that he was a selfish man who had no qualms with sentencing other people to death or dooming his own daughter to a life of abuse and suffering for his own personal gain.

The man who escaped death in Maruki’s reality wasn’t Kunikazu. That was just a wish of the man Haru wishes he would have been. His characterization doesn’t align with anything we’ve been told about the man, and I do not believe for a minute that Kunikazu was a decent person. I almost have to wonder if Haru has maybe mixed up her memories of her grandfather with her actual father, and that’s what lead to this claim because her grandfather was the kind man who loved cooking and valued the well-being of others above profit all his life. Kunikazu was never like that.

So anyway yeah, no amount of Haru mourning is gonna make me feel an ounce of pity for this guy. I believe she’s allowed to mourn, and I really hope that she’ll come around and accept that the person she remembers probably never really existed because his treasure was a model kit he wanted when he was a child, so this distortion has been present for a sizable chunk of his life, even before she was born. It makes sense for his daughter to have complicated feelings, but as a player, I genuinely do not understand at all how anyone could pity this man. He ordered others to die for his burger business, and we’re supposed to be surprised when he gets killed off?

Goro’s my goddamn hero lmao fuck that dude.

tldr; Okumura is anime Jeff Bezos, gladly sold his daughter off to a pedophile, never actually loved her or anyone but himself, and he took advantage of hiring a teenage hitman to dispose of his competition. Nothing about this man is pitiable, and he got what was coming to him.

#kunikazu okumura hate hour lmao #anon thank you for enabling my rant i hope you have a fantastic evening #anonymous #jest answers #jest ramblings

[kiarcheo]

     Hidden Histories    -    There Is No Future for Us as a Pair     

The one where Katherine Howard and Catherine Parr meet during the early days of Anna’s marriage, they keep making plans and the king keeps messing them up.

Also on Ao3

AN: This was way bigger in my head, but my imagination is leagues ahead of my writing skills and this is all I could do.

Historical accuracy? Never heard of it. Timelines are skewed and tweaked, I mostly made Cathy younger and moved forward some events in her life. Should go without saying that while I used historical events as main guidelines and framework, I ignored some and invented others.

English is not my first language and I didn’t even try to attempt a 16th-century English. Also royal life and Tudor times in general are not my expertise.

TLDR: it’s a fanfiction, bear with me and my inaccuracies.

We all know how Katherine’s story ended so…yeah. There is that too.

                                           ———————————-

‘Lady Herbert, your presence is required.’ The two women who had been walking arm in arm in the royal gardens stop.

Lady Catherine Latimer pats her sister’s hand. ‘Go, Anne, don’t worry about me.’

‘Lady Howard, I entrust you with my dear sister.’

Catherine holds off her tongue to remind Anne that she is the oldest and doesn’t need looking after as she would have had if they had been alone. With her husband’s reputation in tatters, the last thing she wants is to undermine her sister’s position at court in any way. Not after she had managed to maintain her position as lady-in-waiting to the new queen Anna von Kleve after having similarly served the three previous queens.

‘Lady Latimer.’ The young girl offers her arm.

‘I do not wish to take you away from your duties.’ Catherine nonetheless takes it as politeness demands. ‘And please, there is no need for such formalities.’

‘My presence is not as necessary as Lady Herbert’s.’ Between Anne’s experience and the queen’s limited knowledge of English as well as of the working of court, Anne had taken on more responsibilities in the Queen’s household. ‘I dare say my absence might not even be noticed.’

‘Her Majesty seems to appreciate your presence.’ Catherine had not been at court for many days, but she has already noticed how the queen seems to favour the young maid of honour. Malevolent chatter is that it is because the queen sees something of herself in the girl, both floundering in roles they are not fit for, Lady Howard’s missteps and the queen’s chuckling reactions attributed not to benevolent demeanour but rather to ignorance that a blunder has been made in the first place.

‘It’s a pleasure and an honour to serve the Queen.’ It is probably the first time that Catherine is tempted to truly believe such words are said in total honesty.

‘The Queen is fortunate to have such a loyal lady at her service.’

‘Your words flatter me, Lady Latimer- Lady Catherine.’ She corrects herself at the pointed look she receives.

‘I’m merely stating what I observe, Lady Howard.’

‘Katherine.’

Catherine barely manages to avoid stumbling, surprised at the familiarity of being addressed by her first name.

‘I mean, my name is Katherine, if we are avoiding formalities.’

Katherine’s presence is indeed not as frequently required as Anne’s is, and while Catherine would object to her sister that she doesn’t need a chaperone, she doesn’t mind as much when it’s Katherine. The two quickly establish a friendship, Catherine finding out why the Queen seems to enjoy the younger girl’s company so much.

‘I see you have made a friend.’ Anne had commented one day as Katherine had warmly bid farewell to Catherine after Anne had informed her that the Queen had called for her.

‘Why do you sound so surprised?’

‘It is simply…unexpected.’

‘I thought you liked her.’ Anne isn’t one to speak ill of anyone (likely wouldn’t have been able to keep her position in the royal household with four different queens if she had been), but Catherine knows her sister and her tell-tale signs of silent dislike.

‘I do. She is a lovely girl. A bit flighty, but she is still young. Just not…particularly bright.’

The more time Catherine spends with Katherine, the more she disagrees with her sister. Except on the lovely part. While Katherine is younger than both of them, she is not even the youngest among the queen’s household. Anne had started at Queen Catherine of Aragon’s court at thirteen, but the usual age for appointment as maid-of-honour is sixteen.

Her vivacity, which got her reprimanded more than once by older attendants, rarely fails to put a smile on her companions’ faces, whether they are her fellow maids-of-honour or the Queen herself. Catherine has little doubt that it is often done on purpose, as when spending time together Katherine tends to be more on the quiet side.  

And the last part of Anne’s assessment. Catherine wonders if perhaps her sister is conflating education and intelligence. Few women (and not many men, if you ask Catherine) are as educated as Anne and Catherine had the privilege to be and Catherine often despairs over how many brilliant minds have been squandered because of it. Katherine has a hunger for knowledge that Catherine is only happy to help satiate, and she is quick on the uptake. While not particularly scholarly her contributions to their conversations are usually thoughtful and intelligent…once she gets over her reservations over sharing her thoughts. Catherine would like to have a chat with whoever had repeatedly told that she is stupid and nothing more than a pretty face. Catherine had even witnessed Katherine trying to learn German while helping the Queen practicing English. Having learnt foreign languages herself she has doubts on the effectiveness of the methods used, but she commends the attempts nonetheless.

While Catherine enjoys their intellectual conversations, the ones that she treasures the most are more private, personal ones. It surprises even herself when the subject turns to the Pilgrimage of Grace and she doesn’t shy away from the topic, despite it bringing up less than pleasant memories (or downright terrifying).

It’s during one of those chats that Katherine confesses that life at court is not what she expected and perhaps not something she would choose again, if given the choice. Catherine offers her a position at Snape Castle, mostly in jest. Katherine however expresses real interest in the proposition.

‘I thought you liked your duties.’

‘Oh, I like serving Her Majesty very much.’ Sometimes what it is not said speak louder than what it is. ‘Do you think your husband would have any objections?’

‘I would need to ask, but I do not think so.’ They don’t exactly have people rushing to work for them after what happened, the family reputation still tarnished even years later. ‘But leaving court for…It would be a demotion.’ She feels the duty to remind her.

Katherine doesn’t seem to mind too much and in her mind Catherine agrees that her friend is not well-suited for life at court. And not because she is not educated or smart enough or anything of that sort. The thought had been cemented the day Catherine had learned of what had happened while Katherine was under her step-grandmother’s care. Katherine had just vaguely hinted at it, but unfortunately Catherine thinks that there is no woman who would not get quickly what she was talking about. Which was dangerous and what worried Catherine the most.

Everyone knew about the uprising in the North and the rebels taking the castle and holding her and her stepchildren hostage, and what she had shared, while deeply personal, could not damage her reputation (not more than it already was due to her husband’s somewhat hazy role in the rebellion, at least). But Katherine’s past, if known, could ruin her. She supposes this is where the naivety of young age came to play. While touched by the trust showed, Catherine had made sure to impress upon Katherine that she was to not talk, mention, or even hint at it with anyone else ever again.

Catherine is aware that she can’t change the past and protect the younger girl from those men, but perhaps she can help now. If she moves in with her at Snape Castle, she would be safe from the nest of vipers that it is the court, always ready to stab you in the back. Maybe she could even find her a nice husband. Perhaps even her stepson John; they are close in age and it would allow Catherine to keep Katherine close.

                                                             —–

Catherine watches as the red-haired child dances, carefree, under the loving gaze of the girl playing the lute. Lady Elizabeth had been called at court by her father, the king, to meet his new queen, and Katherine had told Catherine how she had quickly came to care for the young girl, who was also her first cousin once removed.

Katherine halts the music when she notices Elizabeth has stopped dancing and is looking behind her.  She turns around, standing up once she sees who their spectator is.

‘Lady Elizabeth, this is Lady Catherine Latimer, a good friend of mine.’  

‘Have I been summoned?’ Elizabeth asks sending a disappointed look towards Katherine, after the protocol of introductions and greetings is over.

‘No,’ Catherine sends her a comforting smile. It seems that the affection her friend feels is reciprocal. ‘I’ve come to say goodbye as I’m about to leave.’

‘Is the King sending you away too?’

She is left speechless for a second before recovering. ‘No, I was visiting, but my presence is now required at my husband’s side, he’s unwell.’

‘Where?’

Catherine welcomes the childlike curiosity with a smile. ‘Yorkshire.’

‘I’ve never been there.’

‘You’re always welcome to visit.’ She exchanges a look with Katherine. Hopefully she will be visiting both of them there.

‘Would you like me to leave?’ They look at the seven-year-old as if they had forgotten she was there. Elizabeth doesn’t wait for a reply, she bids farewell to Catherine and turns around. The adults share a guilty glance as the child starts pickling at the lute.

Catherine grabs Katherine’s hands. ‘I will ask him as soon as I arrive. And I’ll write you.’

Katherine impulsively draws her into a hug. ‘I look forward to seeing you again soon.’

The situation, however, quickly spirals out of their control, too fast for their letters to keep up with. In a little more than a month Queen Anna is first asked to leave court, then her marriage is annulled, and the king gets married again.

Catherine finds herself visiting her sister, who is once again lady-in-waiting for a new queen, this time Queen Katherine Howard. And it’s her sister she has to thank if she is currently spending some time alone with her friend, after Anne had led Elizabeth away.

‘She seems happier.’ Catherine comments. The child had greeted her as cheerfully as protocol allowed, asking if she had come to visit her new mother.

‘One of the few good things to come out from this situation. And you visiting, of course.’ Katherine attempts to put back a smile on her face, which had fallen as soon as the company left and the door had closed behind them, leaving them alone. ‘Mary hates me.’

‘Katherine.’ Catherine frowns. She hates to see the younger girl like this.

‘I don’t blame her.’ She shakes her head. ‘She liked Anna. And doesn’t like having a step-mother several years younger than herself.’ She sits down. ‘I just hoped she could be a friend. God knows if I need one.’

‘I’m your friend.’ Catherine sits down next to her and takes her hands in her own.

‘And yet when I think of you as a friend, I feel oddly disappointed.’ Katherine squeezes her hands, before slowly and purposely leaning in. The intentions are clear, there is no need to have been married twice to get it, but she is giving Catherine all the time needed to move away. She doesn’t.

Their lips press together in a chaste kiss.

‘We can’t.’ Catherine leans away abruptly. ‘You are-’

‘Don’t say too young. If I’m old enough to be queen, I’m old enough to…at least for once I wanted to see how it feels to kiss someone because I want to.’ She trails off, defeated. ‘I apologise for making you uncomfortable.’

‘It is not that.’ And it’s not. She is not uncomfortable. Not because of her age, at least. The reason why she, and many others, are uncomfortable with the King marrying Katherine is not necessarily her age, but rather his. After all, Catherine herself had been Katherine’s age when she married the first time….but her husband had been in his twenties, not one year shy of fifty. And also, not the King. ‘You are my queen. This is treason.’

‘Forgive my foolishness.’ Katherine makes to stand up, but Catherine holds her down, not letting go her hands.

‘Perhaps we could revisit our plans in the future.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘In my personal experience, husbands too often leave their younger wives alone too early…and if such a terrible event happened, it would be my duty to offer consolation and support to a dear friend-’

‘How come kissing the Queen is treason,’ Katherine hisses, leaning closer even if they are completely alone in the room, ‘but talking about the King’s death is fine?’

‘It was just a general observation. And taking an interest in the king’s age and health is not a crime.’ Catherine also lowers her voice. ‘Besides we know what happened to your cousin.’

Katherine pales, realisation dawning on her. ‘Forgive me, the last thing I ever wanted was to put you in danger.’

‘Don’t trouble yourself which such thoughts.’

‘You should stay far away from me.’

‘Katherine.’ Catherine cups her cheek to turn her head so she is looking at her. ‘I do not wish to.’

‘Me neither. I had planned to ask you to move to court.’ The younger girl chuckles bitterly.

‘I have plans to join Mary’s household. I am not sure how long John is going to last and-’

‘That is a way to make sure that we will not meet too often. I am sure Mary will do her best to avoid my presence as much as possible.’ Katherine tries to joke.

Indeed, they will not meet again.

It is Mary who brings Catherine the news of Katherine being stripped of her title and imprisoned. Mary considers Catherine a friend and knows of her soft spot for the young queen. Between Catherine and her sister Elizabeth, Mary doesn’t know whom Katherine’s strongest supporter is. And she doesn’t know who is going to take the news harder. Her sister, who loves to call the Queen mother, to their father’s apparent delight, or her friend, who had relentlessly tried to convince her to give a chance to the younger girl. Even as she is clearly trying not to crumble, Catherine takes the time to defend her friend after Mary makes a dig about Katherine’s age. They might have settled into a cordial relationship, but that is still a sore point for Mary. Catherine agrees that indeed Katherine had been quite young…how old would have she been at the time of the first ‘indiscretions’? She can see the realisation on Mary’s face, that either those accusations are false or they are true, and then she had been a victim and not at fault anyway.

Catherine spends two months hoping against reasons that Katherine will be spared, but as the Parliament introduces a bill that would make failure to disclose the sexual history of the queen consort to the king within twenty days of marriage treason and punishable by death, she knows it is only a matter of time. A bill of attainder is soon passed declaring Katherine guilty.

And if it was not enough, Catherine is not even able to mourn (her Katherine in secret, her husband – by now also dead – openly), because Henry chooses her as his next wife.

She can’t say no. Not to the king. Just like Katherine couldn’t. So she gets married once again, on 12 July 1543. The only thing that could have made it worse would have been marrying on the four months’ anniversary of Katherine’s death instead of the day before.

There are two constant thoughts in Catherine’s mind.

One is the promise she makes to herself, and in her heart to Katherine,  to do her best to take care of and love Elizabeth and Edward and be a good friend to Mary, just like Katherine would have tried and would have wanted.

The other is that Henry can’t die soon enough.

In the first year of Catherine’s marriage a new act of succession is introduced, which makes Mary and Elizabeth part of the succession once again.

Both Edward and Elizabeth would consider and call Catherine mother.

Ten years after Katherine’s death Queen Mary I will reverse the  Act  of  Attainder against her, albeit on the basis of a technicality and not of her innocence.

#parrward #I might write a short alternate (happy) ending if you'd be interested in that... #six the musical #six the musical fanfiction #six fanfiction #howard x parr #parr x howard #six fic #six the musical fic #six katherine howard #six cathy parr #mywork #my six posts #six writing #my posts #my ideas #six fanfic #six au #six the musical au

[demyrie]

I'm curious but why did you delete JAM? It was one of my favorite JxD fics and I never got to finish reading it.

ahhhh oh dear, yeah, that happened.

So, for everyone arriving, I wrote a fic called Just Another Mission for the Jak and Daxter game series, and Jak/Daxter pairing. Yes, the green haired elf protag with the fuzzy orange thing, which btw used to be a human and was a human in fic. I think I started it when I was maybe 14 (yikes omg) and a few years ago, I deleted it, and I don’t delete fics.

Rant and personal history ahead, but tldr; i deleted this particular fic because:

1) I became more and more uncomfortable with the way I’d treated certain characters without giving them respect or resolution (throwing around things like domestic abuse while being too young to properly understand What I Was Doing or How to Answer Very Triggered Friends Who Had the Misfortune of Reading This I’m So Goddamn Sorry, as well as falling into that Not Like Other Girls slash fan ditch of treating female characters like shit/obstacles to the main pairing WHICH IS JUST ******) as well as personally uncomfortable portrayals of obsession and taking advantage of people that turn my stomach to this day (see reason 4)

2) i got way in over my head with my own writing/style which was so obtuse and self-indulgent that I felt a great amount of shame over it, including the attention it had gotten, and the way it went to my head and turned me into an egotistic little shit. I was an asshole peacock and I regret it. There was a break where I got waylaid before the final confrontation in the fic (see reason 4, also a very bad time to get held up in any narrative) and when I returned to the story, i nearly cried because it was such a mess and I didn’t know what I was saying anymore. Finishing it was a struggle and I even remember one JnD fan friend being like “hey this chapter seemed really curt??? short?? not like you” and I was like YEAH THATS NOT ME ANYMORE god i hope

3) there was a sort of ... anti-JxD surge in my little pool from people I really respected and it made me think i was doing something wrong even just remembering it, so I cut off that memory.

4) it coincided with two ugly relationships in my life that marred it, and I just wanted it gone for my own mental health.

So anon, I’m very sorry that you never got to finish it. I had good intentions in mind and gave them a happy ending where they realized they loved each other, even if the journey there was difficult. 

It both touched me and broke a piece of my heart when someone came to me years ago and asked me why I had deleted it, saying the story had given them the courage to come out as gay to their family. In that moment, overwhelmed with how ProblematicTM the whole story was, I was really struck with just ... how subjective our world experience is, and how so many things can mean so many different things to every single soul and how terrifyingly VALID peoples experiences are, no matter how they come by them. We’re all so unique and convoluted, one man’s trash is another man’s treasure -- and one man’s trigger is another man’s key to Becoming. But no matter how inspiring, I couldn’t bring myself to repost it. 

Hopefully this will be the only fic i ever delete with relish. Jak and Daxter will always be a good memory for me, regardless. Thanks for the ask, anon.

(even more) personal stuff below the cut. tw for stalking, harassment, manipulation and emotional abuse.

So.

Im a firm believer in stories living beyond their authors (something that JK rowling doesnt seem to understand iykwim). I don’t normally delete past works, because while I wrote them, I also know that they’ve outgrown me as most narratives do: people are absolutely allowed to enjoy what they want to or need to, not just because I think said thing is reflective of my current work or jives with my current stage of life. 

However, JAM was a particular Thing that Had to Go.

The timeline is hella fuzzy to me because I’ve blocked a lot of it out, but I was coming out of middle school and struggling with my mental health. On the real life side, I was stuck in a situation with a close friend of mine who was very fixated on us being in a relationship and the pining was loud enough to hear from the other side of the country. Wounded people pleaser that I was, I flipped (exhaustingly) back and forth between “i dont like you like that” and “but I want you to be happy so what if I tried liking you like that?” and there was massive amounts of hidden hurt and resentment and tension and abandonment complex activation and just ... a strangling of anything that made our friendship good for either of us. 

Also she was a she. So. Yannoe, gay is difficult.

This definitely burnt me out on the “best friends pining” trope and is probably legit the ONLY reason I’m not equally in the erasermic and erasermight camp haha. That trope feels claustrophobic and draining to me, so I leave it for others to enjoy.

It also coincided with a married 45yo adult man luring me into a “platonic, ecstatic, boundary-breaking, you-are-my-beautiful-young-muse, words cannot express how much I love you” creative type relationship that inevitably turned possessive, domineering and manipulative. Within the bounds of the Renaissance Faire community, I thought he was a safe person and he was not, and his constant reassurance that I wasn’t like other women my age was absolutely hypnotizing to a undeveloped soul who really, really wanted to be special.

We traded poetry and tarot card readings over email. He bought me manga and shared stories about his time overseas and in the service. He made me props to go with my renaissance faire character and showed me where to find cheap leather so I could piece things together myself.

He also stalked me and owned me for the better part of a year and I only realized it once he started harassing a dear friend of mine overseas, whom I was visiting, about a package that he’d sent, which apparently he’d covered in original poetry to let me know how much he loved me But Not In a Hetero or Sexual Way Bro, so of course he didn’t want it to get lost in the postal system. So what is he going to do? Note my friend twice a day asking if its arrived until she inevitably, tearfully spills that this guy is stressing her out and who is he anyway?

My horrible secret was out, which only sounded horrible when I explained it to someone else. I realized this man was trying to follow me wherever i went and I got so fucking angry that he was messing with my friend that I had to stop it.

(He called me a cunt when I broke it off with him on the phone in the dark on the floor of my bedroom in the middle of the night so my parents wouldn’t hear, then sobbed and said he was sorry. I was so dissociated from the rush of anger and helplessness that it took for me to actually MAKE the call that all I could do was wiggle my foot and watch it in the reflection of the mirror on the back of my door, and think maybe I was a cunt but I wasn’t his cunt anymore. So there. 

Afterward I slammed my forehead into the mirror a few times to make sure I’d actually done it and it wasn’t a dream.)

During all of this, I was writing this stupid fic. I think. Honestly, I don’t fucking know, but I can’t think of it without thinking of him and how i was devoured.

The stress of hiding this “totally wonderful but NORMAL PEOPLE DONT UNDERSTAND WHAT WE HAVE!!!!” grooming shit from my parents was gutting me alive, and I was so far gone RE: worthiness/autonomy that I didn’t even consider why I BOTHERED diffusing his petulant accusations over notes on deviantArt again and again as he baited me into shit just to explode over how I didn’t love him and I figured out another way to soothe his engorged and tarry ego without explicitly lying that I loved him too. 

He made me regret my silver tongue and way with words as I used it to defend myself again and again, and crushed my love of writing. I would pace the neighborhood for almost an hour several times a week, claiming I was ‘exercising’ but really trying to understand why i felt so trapped, or where the lines between love and hate lay, or why I wanted to cry all the time, as i low key tried to get hit by a car just to force something to change in my life and jolt me out of his smothering, needy nightmare of constant texting and emails and notes. I couldn’t fucking flinch without him knowing about it, and asking me if I was okay. For this reason, I react very poorly to people fretting over me at length, and loudly. I get angry and feel violated, or just pinned to the floor by someone Performing their love on me with no real regard for my health.

This whole time, I was escaping into fandom. It probably saved my life, in one way or another, because I found friends who supported me and made me laugh in the JnD sphere. Especially the friend whose distress caused me to snap and realize This Couldn’t Continue.

This terrible man was the first one outside of my friend group that I showed my writing to, the first adult as well. It was on the dark side even then, but he said it was wonderful and amazing. He teased me for being stuck up in my authors notes on JAM (one of the reasons I’m just getting over ... talking ...) but said it inspired him to start writing as well. He used that writing to imagine hokey sprawling stories of him being a hot rod racer and me being his sexy girlfriend, Very Totally in Love. Why Couldn’t We have Just Met in a Different Lifetime??? not that its a relevant question for my young 16yo friend lol just something dreamers wonder lol lol here why don’t you take this traditional irish engagement ring aka claddagh i bought for you, lie to your parents and say I bought one for everyone in our renfaire group, and turn it toward your heart, to imply that you’re in love, so that I can keep your heart safe for you until you find a boyfriend?

FUCKER YOU ABSOLUTE FUCKER ok I’m done. Fuck.

JAM was a project of mine that spanned a year or two and is intrinsically tangled in those very bad relationships and very bad lessons. I deleted it because I needed to, for purely personal reasons beyond the fact that it was generally bombastic, over-long, tone-deaf and dealt with very serious issues poorly. Due to these experiences, you won’t catch me in a hot minute writing either best-friends-pining or heavy jealousy/possessiveness fic, but everyone else? Go crazy just tag your shit.

so. anyway. isn’t subjectivity actually terrifying? You never know what something can mean to someone else. So just ask, maybe.

Damn, son. Some fics you just can’t repost.

#just another mission #jam #demyrie writes #personal #abuse #stalking #emotional manipulation #i would say p/edophilia but this site doesnt know what that means and this isnt it either so how about abuse of a minor #recovery #mental health #suicidal ideation #triggers #Anonymous