#to accept my anger like any other emotion i experience. still terrifying

[flipping-the-coin]

Ratchet whats the worst thing about being with a Prime?

𝔉𝔯𝔬𝔪 𝔱𝔥𝔢 𝔬𝔣𝔣𝔦𝔠𝔢 𝔬𝔣 𝔓𝔯𝔦𝔪𝔞𝔩 𝔖𝔱𝔢𝔴𝔞𝔯𝔡: ℜ𝔞𝔱𝔠𝔥𝔢𝔱

ℭ𝔢𝔫𝔱𝔯𝔞𝔩 ℑ𝔞𝔠𝔬𝔫 -

ℭ𝔶𝔟𝔢𝔯𝔱𝔯𝔬𝔫𝔦𝔞𝔫 ℭ𝔬𝔲𝔫𝔠𝔦𝔩 ℭ𝔥𝔞𝔪𝔟𝔢𝔯𝔰 -

𝔊𝔬𝔳𝔢𝔯𝔫𝔞𝔫𝔠𝔢 𝔇𝔦𝔳𝔦𝔰𝔦𝔬𝔫 -

To clarify before I begin, there is nothing that I can say is awful about being with Optimus. He has his issues and shortcomings, but they are things we can work through, small issues that ultimately mean nothing in the wake of eternity. I could never hold any true anger toward Optimus for long. I love him too much for that. However with that said, there are many things that I despise about his station and what it does to him, mainly those things which he cannot control.

Now, to answer your question, the worst part about being with a Prime is simply that he's... set apart. That alone is not the issue. Optimus's oddities are things I have long accepted and done my best to understand. No, when I say I find that to be the worst part, what I mean is that I hate when that separation is exemplified by the fragging relic Optimus carries within him.

I hate the Matrix almost as much as I hate Megatron. That relic has done nothing but make Optimus's life even more of a torment. It gives him wisdom and strength, but at what cost? His mind is wrapped up in it, unable to separate from the Matrix due to the grip it has on his spark. I've been Optimus's doctor for as long as he has been alive. I know what the Matrix looks like, and I can safely say it is terrifying. Its clawed hinges wrap around Optimus's spark like a threat of impending doom and its wires dig into the walls of his spark chamber in what I think any other would find to be an agonizing manner. It is not exactly common knowledge, but Optimus's spark is not even fully in his spark chamber. The Matrix keeps it hovering within the space, but the connectors and converters that would otherwise surround his spark are unable to reach it. The fact that he is even alive is a miracle. If it were any other mech, they would be all but dead, barely alive enough to function but without the strength to move.

It feels like a cruel joke just as much as it is a stark reminder of what Optimus is. I can forget occasionally, but he is not Cybertronian, not like me or anyone else at any rate. Did you know that his frame is hardly holding together? I don't think Optimus can sense anything, but all his scans show that every single one of his systems is always on the brink of exploding. His spark is simply too powerful to be confined in a regular frame, and even with one modeled by the Matrix, he can hardly be contained. I think it is because of this that his spark is not allowed to fully rest in its chamber. The Matrix is trying to keep him contained enough to use a mortal frame, and in doing so it also wraps itself around his mind, ensuring that he cannot go too far. The reason I mention this at all is because I hypothesize that it is the separation of spark and frame that creates a lot of my issues with Optimus's nature.

He does not feel. I do not mean to say he cannot experience emotion. No, that is a direct contradiction of every action he has ever taken. When I say he does not feel, what I mean to say is that he does not fully understand emotion and its uses. He experiences them, but the Matrix keeps him from comprehending and fully feeling the effects of his emotions. At the same time, certain emotional responses are also amplified by the relic in a strange and cruel form of control. During the war I largely assumed that his dogged pursuit of victory was simply because there was no other option. But now that our war is over and he still drags himself along with that same depressing determination, I see that it is not natural. He is not thinking when he acts half the time, not truly.

To help explain what I am trying to convey, I will give an example. Optimus will spend cycles at his desk working through a never ending mountain of work, unable to feel his frame and its exhaustion or the weariness that others would normally deal with. His spark being separated from his frame has the practical effect of making lethargy and other such things bother him less. That goes for pain as well, as seen with his unnatural endurance of Orion's EM attacks. Where others would be bored, angry, or otherwise upset with the amount of work to do, Optimus does not seem to care. He views the work with apathetic optics and continues on, often not paying much attention of his own needs or those of the mecha around him. He sets his mind to a task and throws himself into it until he literally cannot endure any longer. I despise it because I can see how weary his spark is below the Matrix's touch. He desperately needs rest and time to work through all he has suffered in his life, but I have only seen him really escape the suppressing and thought controlling methods of the Matrix a grand total of perhaps five times.

The Matrix adjusts his emotions and it seems to even speak to him. It directs him where it wants him to be. It tries to crush emotions it does not see fit for him to feel, and it also appears to have a memory suppressing effect. I cannot confirm that last claim, but considering he had no visible knowledge of Orion and Megatron's relationship during the war, I assume that information was kept from him despite the fact he had many other of Orion's memories. I hate it with a passion. I despise the Matrix for eliminating so much of Optimus's ability to think beyond the bounds it sets. I wish nothing but destruction upon the relic that ensures Optimus can never really see what is going on around him of understand where he is.

Do you have any idea how horrible it is to watch Optimus become so lost and confused when greeted with a negative response toward what I can only assume are instinctual decisions for him? The way he speaks, the way he acts, the tasks he gives priority. All of it. He does not know what he is doing half the time and I can SEE it. He has been given a mold to fit and he can't seem to break from it except when he is dragged kicking and screaming away. I have never seen Optimus act more like himself than when he was given the chance to observe the stars for the first time without pain. He looked so youthful and his optics were the brightest clearest blue I have ever seen. Then just as quick as it came, his optics returned to that sickening white and his focus was diverted back toward his work.

The hardest and most horrible part about being with a Prime is that my Prime is little more than a puppet in the most insufferable way. There is no mastermind to eliminate, no foe to kill to rescue him from his prison of mind and body. No, the thing that keeps him bound in chains is also the device that ensures he continues to function. Without the Matrix, Optimus will die. And yet with it, he cannot ever be free of its grasp. Its will is his when the Matrix decides to make itself known. In that regard, as much as I despise Orion, I cannot help but be somewhat thankful for his and Optimus's connection. Orion seems to awaken something in Optimus that not even the Matrix can fully quash. An innocent and wistful wish for... something that I do not understand but can see all the same.

I know that somewhere behind the veneer of the Matrix is a mech so loving and passionate, thoughtful and wise. But until the cycle arrives that Optimus can pull his mind away from the Matrix's web, I can only cling to the small moments where I see that mech. I can only relish in the instances where Optimus looks at me with clear blue optics, untainted by the chill white of something so other it is all but unfeeling.

I hope that answers your question anonymous. I am sorry for my wandering thoughts.

𝔓𝔯𝔦𝔪𝔞𝔩 𝔖𝔱𝔢𝔴𝔞𝔯𝔡 - ℜ𝔞𝔱𝔠𝔥𝔢𝔱

#maccadam #transformers prime au #transformers #transformers prime #two sides to a coin au #orion pax #optimus prime #ratchet responds #ratchet #the matrix of leadership

[binaural-histolog]

Good evening!

I have a couple questions for you if you would be so willing.

First is dealing with imposter syndrome/not feeling ready. I've been very interested in hypnosis for over a decade now and have kept tabs/read books on/ even taken Wiseguy's class on the topic, but I never feel quite there. Have you/do you deal with this feeling as well, and if so what works for you in combating it?

Secondly, where can I find people interested in both topping and subbing? I've been on multiple discords/hypnohookup/fetlife, but I feel they are too overtly/explicitly sexual from where I want to start off. I feel like that is done after having had a session or two to figure each other out and having a healthy discussion, since trust is at the very core of hypnokink.

Thank you for your time!

Have you/do you deal with this feeling as well, and if so what works for you in combating it?

All my life, I've had a shadow. It tells me I shouldn't be here. That I'm not ready. If I make something happen, it laughs and then points out all the obvious mistakes I've made. It's not fear, not anger. It's pure negativity.

There's a couple of mistakes it makes though. If I curl up into a ball and do nothing, it doesn't approve of me and then go away. It will tell me I'm useless, incapable. And if I'm really happy with something I've done, it will try to distract me with other things or tell me it's a fluke. It has one damn note it keeps playing all the time, and it cannot stop.

I wondered exactly what it wanted or what would make it happy. Then I realized nothing would make happy, because it wasn't a person. It was just an emotional mirage, throwing my own image back to me in a black mirror. It didn't feel anything any more than rain or gravity feels things. It's just there. Poking at it with my thoughts made it jump around like a puppet on strings, but it didn't think or do anything by itself. It was a feeling.

Imposter syndrome is a feeling. It won't go away because you work hard or work past it or try to think the right thoughts at it any more than the rain will go away because you're wearing a raincoat and rain pants. It's not about solving imposter syndrome. You just get to a point where you accept that sometimes that feeling will happen, and it's okay.

The reason it's okay, for me, is that hypnosis is play. Mistakes happen in play, but if you're having fun and finding joy in stupid shit, you're doing it right, even if you still have that imposter syndrome feeling all the way through.

It took me a year to tell my partner I had a hypnosis fetish. I had a full on panic attack when I told them I wanted to hypnotize them. I was terrified that all the fantasies I had about brainwashing and controlling people were going to inevitably corrode my ethics and turn me into the monster I always knew I was. I knew it was bullshit, but I'd had a lifetime of the shadow talking to me.

And yet... the first time I hypnotized my partner I felt like a five year old given five espressos and a new puppy. Did I screw up the induction? Yes. Did I lose track of my notes and forget half the suggestion? Yes. Was my voice trembling? Also yes. Did I feel like an imposter? Yes. Did it matter? No. Because we set up a schedule and we were going to do it again next weekend, and the goal wasn't to be perfect, it was to play and have fun.

My partner doesn't care about any of the authority or magic involved in hypnosis, so I didn't have to live up to any built-up images of hypnotism. What made a difference to my partner was that hypnosis helped with anxiety and rumination, and it gave us a chance to sit and be close and intimate together. One of the best things in the world is seeing my partner's face relaxed, stroking their cheeks, and tell them things that make them smile even if they don't remember them after the session. The actual experience of hypnosis was completely and utterly different from my fears.

The same goes for writing and presenting. I wrote An Alternate History of Hypnotism not because I want academic or community recognition. It'd be nice to have those things, but I did it because it was fun. Presenting the slides at Mindquake took all my social energy and left me unable to move for a good hour, but I got to show people the links between rhetoric and suggestion and work Mr Rogers into an erotic hypnosis conference. Did I fuck up bits? Yes. Did it matter? No. It was fun.

Your imposter syndrome is a feeling. That feeling may go away or it may not. But the feeling of having fun and enjoying yourself will still be around, and no-one is there to look at the bits that don't work, they are there to look at the bits that do.

Secondly, where can I find people interested in both topping and subbing?

I'm only barely part of the scene, so this is going to be mostly from what I've heard other people say.

Trust and a healthy discussion of kinks should be the first thing that happens. Starting from fetlife/discords/hypnohookup is going to get you people who are "horny on main" so they will most probably not hang back and talk.

Go outside. Go to fetlife munches and hang out and meet people. Look for general openminded kink people, hypnokink is still enough of a niche that the potential pool is much larger than the actual one.

Once you know roughly who people are, then go on a low-effort date to see if they're a top/bottom, how they got into kink, and what their interests are. Then they ask about you, and you explain your hypnosis kink, what you like about it. Depending on how the date is going, you might give some examples of hypnotic suggestions that just so happen to align with their interests and kinks.

If it works out, great! If not, you keep going. Dating is like interviewing, it's not personal and there will be ten or twenty dates that don't work for every one that does. As long as you treat people like people and also feel like you're being treated as a person, you're doing it right.

#binauralhistolog

[traumasurvivors]

You deleted my reblog cause you know it's true. Those people are just traumatizing themselves. I'd love to see you actually answer this and explain how me being beaten is the same as someone being "traumatized online." You can't. I couldn't turn my trauma off, they could. Big difference! Teach people to turn their phones off, not to accept their own stupidity of not doing so.

I blocked you, therefore deleting your reblog as a result, because it could be very triggering to others, and all it said was "no, online trauma isn't real". It literally added nothing of value and I am allowed to delete whatever I think doesn't belong on my post. My blog is about offering validation to survivors of all types of trauma.

But let's talk about online trauma for a second. It would be valid if someone got traumatized without this sort of background, but for me, my online trauma took place because I was being molested by a family member at the time. This lead me to seek out relationships online with older men, and you can be damn sure that still carries trauma effects to this day. Men who wanted to hear the stories of what was being done to me. I didn't know any better. I didn't know to block them. I literally thought that I was doing what I was supposed to do because of how I had been conditioned and groomed.

I have also experienced domestic abuse, and been beaten as a child. I spent 18 years of my life living in active trauma situations between sexual abuse, physical abuse, and emotional abuse by family and a romantic partner. I have several frames of reference and I can still tell you that the online trauma I experienced was real.

Also, with your logic, is my trauma from being beaten and sexually abused by my romantic partner not valid because I could have just "walked away?" Is my child abuse not valid because I could have just "told someone?" Trauma doesn't work within any set of rules.

I'm not bringing up what I went through to try and compare traumas, that's not the point. The point is that because I've been through what people deem as "acceptable" and "big" trauma, I feel like my opinion on the trauma you see as less valid should have weight to it since I have experienced it too and it traumatized me as well.

Comparing trauma doesn't help anyone. It's not about the events themselves, but how they affect someone. I personally experience more trauma from an experience I had with a spider verses an assault I went through. I have flashbacks and nightmares about this experience with a spider and I end up panicking when I'm in the place where I dealt with it.

I understand that you are hurting, and I understand that maybe you feel like it makes your trauma seem less important somehow. But it doesn't. Other people having trauma doesn't mean yours is less valid or important somehow. It's also not uncommon for some survivors to feel like other people's trauma isn't as bad as theirs, and to feel bitter about that.

I can definitely see that you are suffering. I saw the anger and hatred you pass to others on your blog. It seems like you're in a lot of pain, but that doesn't mean it's okay to bully others online. Which is essentially what you're doing. It's possible it makes you feel powerful in some way to cause others pain. And your feelings of anger are valid, but your behaviour definitely isn't. I hope that you heal. I truly do. And I hope that you can learn to put your anger where it belongs, and that is on the people who hurt you, not other trauma survivors.

(Also, I will say that even if someone does seek out trauma in some regard, that's likely a result from having experienced trauma in the past, and they are still valid.)

Edit to add: I had an anon tell me they couldn't block people online because they were a child and these people threatened to find them, and being a child, they really believed the threats and were terrified. There are so many reasons someone may not be able to just "block" someone. Let's also not forget that people really focused on bullying or abusing someone online, likely won't let a block option stop them.

#tw hate #tw invalidation #tw abuse #tw sa #tw csa #tw child abuse #tw online abuse #tw trauma details #sorry #i realize i probably shouldn't reply to this #but i feel really strongly about this

[vertebrates-and-pieces]

hello! i love your writing about morgott! i do have a request that may or may not be out of your comfort zone, but it is worth the try to ask because i absolutely adore how you characterize morgott. how do you think he would take care of his significant other who struggles mentally, and to really push it (it's okay if you don't feel comfortable about this one), someone who has sh scars. how would he react and would that change anything with the dynamics of their relationship?

Thank you so much! I love writing this old man a whole lot and I'm thrilled that others enjoy my interpretation of him so!

And don't worry, I am comfortable writing for subjects like this.

Warning for discussion of depression, unhealthy coping mechanisms, and self harm as well as brief mentions of substance abuse and suicidal ideations. There is fluff/comfort as well, but do be aware that this does get into some potentially upsetting subject matter.

I think how he'd react to an s/o having a tough time mentally would really depend on how they cope with these things.

A troubled mind can manifest in many different ways, and unfortunately the Lands Between does not have much in the way of mental health resources… Given the nature of the post apocalyptic dark fantasy setting, struggles, both physical and mental, tend to be a common part of everyday life. It's common for the few with their wits about them to simply give up entirely, to numb their bodies and minds with the most pleasant (or unpleasant) poisons they can find, or else to seek an end to their existence when hope runs out. It is also common to try to strike back at the encroaching despair in anger, to seek revenge upon a world that hurt you.

For this, I will be focusing on lack of energy and motivation. (I'm sorry if that doesn't cover what you're looking for, there are just so many possible topics to cover here and I really wasn't sure how to start.)

First of all, I think this would frustrate Morgott. See, his own reaction to his personal mental struggles is the exact opposite. He channels all his feelings of unworthiness into action, to tirelessly serve that which he does consider worthy with little regard for self, which is, honestly, just as, if not more unhealthy than listlessness. So seeing you struggle in such a way would honestly make him feel a bit resentful. I can see these feelings boiling over into anger and confrontation. He'd… say quite a few things that he'd regret, and storm off.

He'd take some time to cool off and reflect, (as well as stew in a great deal of guilt for treating you so unkindly) and then he'd return. He'd approach cautiously, and apologize. If you do not accept it he will understand. He will take any bile that you spit at him. He will not ask for your forgiveness yet, as he does not believe he has earned it. He will stay by your side or give you space, whichever you'd prefer, and either now, or perhaps later, he will listen. He wishes to understand how you feel, to not make baseless assumptions. Everyone is different, after all, and he has less experience than most in handling the emotional turmoil of others. Part of the reason he reacted the way he did is because he, as someone who often speaks directly though action, felt lost as to what action to take. He is terrified of losing you to fear and despair, and even more so, that in a fog of apathy, you will cease caring, even for him.

Once he is done listening, he will attempt to give you comfort and reassurance, reminding you of your many accomplishments, that which you have overcome. If you are willing, he will hold you, and ask little of you for some time. If you cry, he too will cry. He will still not ask for your forgiveness, but if you give it to him, some of his tension will ease.

After that, he will make an effort to be more understanding, perhaps overcompensating a bit at first. I think that over time a balancing system could be worked out: Morgott spurring you to action when needed, and you in turn, forcing him to slow down when he is overexerting himself.

Now, on to the topic of scars. This is something that I think he'd understand immediately. Morgott is no stranger to the concept. Though he is a demigod and it takes a great deal to leave a visible scar, he certainly has them. His body is littered with the memories of old wounds, and though many are from battles, some are definitely self inflicted. He has taken a lash to his own back in penance countless times, and though this rarely left any permanent mark, there are still a few places where the evidence of his wrath against himself lingers still.

If the scars he sees are older, he will not even bring them up, no matter how obvious they are. He does not feel the need to unearth the trauma that led to those scars, so unless you bring up the topic yourself, he will treat them with the same reverence he does the rest of you. They are but another part of you, and though his heart aches in sympathy, he will do his best not to linger upon them. However, if new instances appear, he will absolutely grow concerned. He will sooth over any fresh marks with healing incantations. He will not ask why, but, wordlessly, he will be pleading with you.

"My love," he'd finally say, "Thou hast bade me treat myself more kindly, so I ask of thee that same mercy. Please take care and never forget thou art loved."

#emmie answers #morgott #morgott x tarnished #morgott x reader #tw self harm

[dollsonmain]

A long ramble, just like every morning

I tend to feel like the bad guy in every situation. I was raised to think everything that happens is my fault, living with That Guy he’s used me as a scapegoat and blamed his own behavior on me, etc. which was normal to me when we met so I didn’t even think about it, and society at large is like “Never play the victim.” even when you are the victim.

So, even though everyone keeps telling me that I am not a narcissist, I still end up questioning myself every time some new little bit of info comes around.

The more I research and the more I observe, the thinner the line between a narcissist’s behavior and the behavior of their victim gets. The only difference is the motivation. I’ll sort of get into that as this goes.

-

Recently it’s been “A narcissist looks for their next victim immediately whereas their victim looks for themselves after a breakup.” and I was all ready to hop from That Guy to someone else if given the opportunity, not just because I do actually like the other guy but so that I wouldn’t have to transition from living here to homelessness which, knowing me, I would not survive. My friend was offering my son and me shelter and support while I tried to get my feet under me. I couldn’t accept that offer because he lives in another state and I can’t take my son across state lines due to my state’s laws regarding custody.

So I’ve been like “Is that me looking for someone else to use, or is that me taking up an offer from a friend that I happen to have a romantic interest in and accepting help?”

-

It is 100% me who has discarded That Guy, make no mistake.

He’s still trying to garner my favor now and then (right now he hates me, it comes and goes under very specific conditions (how often we have sex)). I hate him all of the time and no longer try to connect with him. I struggle to feel sympathy for him at all, and don’t bother to even talk to him most of the time because talking to him is a miserable experience for me.

It’s disturbing to me how cold I feel about him, because I’d never felt like that about anyone before. I’m always worried about how people feel and what they’re thinking. I always have to make sure the people around me are comfortable and happy whether I am or not.

I am prime bait for a narcissist and I know it.

I have to keep telling myself that 20+ years of financial, emotional, and sexual abuse is more than enough reason to turn cold toward someone and is different than a narcissist losing interest in someone that no longer puffs their ego.

-

I’ve learned that expressing emotions to him, especially anger, frustration, or sadness, makes him shut down and end a discussion so he doesn’t have to acknowledge that his behavior is the reason I’m having those emotions (or when it’s sadness caused by something like the passing of a loved one, he tries to make it all about him and his discomfort at me showing emotion somehow so I just keep it inside) so I’ve become the one that sits there impassive while he yells.

-

Another thing that had made me start rethinking again was that comic I reblogged yesterday about the narcissist that didn’t know how to show love because they were never taught and were now trying to learn with the help of their friends.

I grew up in a similar situation where I barely existed to my parents and my needs were not met in any capacity. I was home alone a lot as a little kid but so terrified of getting beaten that they knew I wouldn’t get up to anything and spent my childhood alone in my room for the most part.

I put in a lot of personal effort to learn how to be kind and sympathize with people in my 20′s.

The primary thing that comic had me thinking about was that I am absolutely not showing That Guy how to love. I am showing That Guy AND Son how to ignore someone that has abused them for decades.

But, again, always feeling like it’s all my fault, it’s like “Shouldn’t I be teaching him what love is like the comic artist’s friends, and how to express it instead of finally washing my hands of him and giving up? Am I not the asshole for saying ‘no more’? Aren’t I supposed to give myself whether I get anything in return because expecting anything in return is manipulative and transactional? Am I a bad person for turning away, and am I turning away because I’m tired of my needs being disregarded or because his behavior doesn’t puff my ego? Am I a narcissist?”

All that even though, from experience, me showing him love doesn’t result in reciprocity. He demands more and more without giving anything back and pushes for more and more control the more compliant I become. Give a mouse a cookie.

He complains about the cost of food whether I’m being his little on-demand blow job giving housekeeping yes-man or I’m telling him to take responsibility for how his behavior hurts others, correcting him when he’s provably wrong, making him clean his own car, and wash his own work shirts.

He’s no kinder to anyone around him no matter how much love I show him and I haven’t loved him for a very long time.

But the... Tumblr won’t do the quote indent for some reason...

“The more I research and the more I observe, the thinner the line between a narcissist’s behavior and the behavior of their victim gets. The only difference is the motivation.”

part has me constantly questioning my own motivations.

[unwelcome-ozian]

I have an important question. can you have built in "mind sets" that change when you're in certain situations?

For details, I recently managed to (mostly??) get away from a cultic group I was raised in but last week the leader returned and we spent a fair bit of time together. But the oddest thing was was that it felt like my entire way of thinking changed? Everything she said felt true, even when thinking back on it it didn't make much sense. It felt like everything I thought of and did without her guidance was inherently wrong and faulty, like I was a trying to see clear through a kaleidoscope.

It took about a week for it to wear off after she left, but during that mindset it felt so much easier to speak and exist around other people. I knew what was expected of me and I knew how to fulfil that expectations, so there wasn't the anxiety and ???? that comes with social interaction (for me at least). BUT that was only when I was talking to/with her.

Now that it's worn off it all feels gross? Like I can still feel the presence of that mindset in my hear criticizing what I'm doing because I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing. I finally got my first ever job but it's online and I'm mostly left alone to do things, and I really wish I could go to school to meet people my age but I can't (pandemic made my schooling all online so no meeting people opportunities there). Without her guidance I feel aimless and without purpose, but being stuck in quarantine with her for years really messed me up.

I don't know how to interact with the outside world and knowing how easily I can fall into a mindset of "YES EVERYTHING YOU SAY IS 1000% TRUE AND CORRECT AND YES, YOU ARE THE ONLY REAL PERSON TO EXIST" and more terrifies me. I feel more real in that state, but how can I be more real if I cannot think without influence??

I don't know if you can help but can you please share any insight you have? thank you so much

It takes time to get out of and recover from a cult mindset. This is the reason going no contact when leaving high control groups is recommended.

The recontact can trigger the trauma bond to the leader and the group sometimes leading someone to return.

After exiting a cult, an individual may experience a period of intense and often conflicting emotions. She or he may feel relief to be out of the group, but also may feel grief over the loss of positive elements in the cult, such as friendships, a sense of belonging or the feeling of personal worth generated by the group’s stated ideals or mission. The emotional upheaval of the period is often characterised by “post-cult trauma syndrome”:

spontaneous crying sense of loss depression & suicidal thoughts fear that not obeying the cult’s wishes will result in God’s wrath or loss of salvation alienation from family, friends sense of isolation, loneliness due to being surrounded by people who have no basis for understanding cult life fear of evil spirits taking over one’s life outside the cult scrupulosity, excessive rigidity about rules of minor importance panic disproportionate to one’s circumstances fear of going insane confusion about right and wrong sexual conflicts unwarranted guilt The period of exiting from a cult is usually a traumatic experience and, like any great change in a person’s life, involves passing through stages of accommodation to the change:

Disbelief/denial: “This can’t be happening. It couldn’t have been that bad.” Anger/hostility: “How could they/I be so wrong?” (hate feelings) Self-pity/depression: “Why me? I can’t do this.” Fear/bargaining: “I don’t know if I can live without my group. Maybe I can still associate with it on a limited basis, if I do what they want.” Reassessment: “Maybe I was wrong about the group being so wonderful.” Accommodation/acceptance: “I can move beyond this experience and choose new directions for my life” or… Reinvolvement: “I think I will rejoin the group.”

Passing through these stages is seldom a smooth progression. It is fairly typical to bounce back and forth between different stages. Not everyone achieves the stage of accommodation / acceptance. Some return to cult life. But for those who do not, the following may be experienced for a period of several months:

flashbacks to cult life simplistic black-white thinking sense of unreality suggestibility, ie. automatic obedience responses to trigger-terms of the cult’s loaded language or to innocent suggestions disassociation (spacing out) feeling “out of it” “Stockholm Syndrome”: knee-jerk impulses to defend the cult when it is criticised, even if the cult hurt the person difficulty concentrating incapacity to make decisions hostility reactions, either toward anyone who criticises the cult or toward the cult itself mental confusion low self-esteem dread of running into a current cult-member by mistake loss of a sense of how to carry out simple tasks dread of being cursed or condemned by the cult hang-overs of habitual cult behaviours like chanting difficulty managing time trouble holding down a job Most of these symptoms subside as the victim mainstreams into everyday routines of normal life. In a small number of cases, the symptoms continue.

Oz

This information is a composite list from the following sources: “Coming Out of Cults”, by Margaret Thaler Singer

#answers to questions #leaving a cult #cults #cult mindset

[clever-and-unique-name]

4, 5, 10 and 22?

Thank you, Mika! <33

4. How do you experience communication from parts?

Hm...me personally, I mostly feel them as strong urges and desires that feel strangely foreign to me. It doesn't feel like "me" wanting things, it feels like being nudged in that direction by someone else--someone else's anticipation, someone else's fear, someone else's anger. I feel it all as signals in my body that don't register in my conscious thought, and in the past I would be left bemused in the best cases, terrified in the worst because it felt like my body was being "hijacked" by emotions and thoughts I didn't personally have.

Sometimes, but not often, I "hear" the others as spoken words inside. It's rarely very clear to me, it sort of fades into my "hearing" and I catch the main gist of what they actually said. (I tend to listen to music a lot to drown it out when I'm overwhelmed.)

(5 answered elsewhere)

10. What does denial look like for you?

Mm...very quiet, actually. I rarely get big debilitating denial crashes anymore. I think I've made it to a peaceful place where...I accept that some less-than-ideal things happened to me during childhood (I can even call it "trauma" sometimes), and those things disrupted my ability to form an integrated identity. I have dissociated parts of self--whether that means I have CPTSD, OSDD, DID, it doesn't really matter to me. They're here. They make themselves known whether I like it or not, whether I want to accept it or not. And I live with that daily.

I think that since I've accepted their presence and the reasons for them being here--however vague and reluctant that acceptance is--there's less of a push for them to "prove" themselves to me. Prove their trauma to me. Which means I get overwhelmed less, and fall into denial less.

It still happens, but it's, like I said, quiet. Faint musings of "What if I'm making this all up?" countered with someone else's sharp "Who the fuck cares? You're just living your life." Wondering when I'm going to hear from the others again, or when our Symptoms are going to flare up.

Of course, that's all just my personal account of it. I wonder if others still experience strong bouts of denial. I'm honestly not sure.

22. What would the perfect day look like to you?

Hmm...I wonder...

I would wake up late to a quiet house, and make the snoozing ferrets food while husband cooked us breakfast. We would go for a walk in the empty woods, picking blackberries together until we got to a shady clearing to have an afternoon snooze. Then we'd make our way home, have some fresh blackberry snacks, and play our favorite videogames together with friends until we couldn't stay awake any longer. (Astrid insists that we'd end the day with...well, if you know her, you know what she wants.)

#answering asks #ask bait answered #long post

[violetueur-archive]

GRAVE SUGGESTIONS ASK MEME » ACCEPTING

@tvrningout​ asked:  ‘ it’s not that i really need you, but life would be pretty boring without you around. there’s no one i would rather be with. ’ from satsuki I’M WEEPING BYE

Listened to THIS and THIS ( im emotional bye )

It seems like such a simple thing. Such simple, easy words. Yet... the way they make her stop, entire body freezing as if her brain has ceased all function, heart thrumming so loudly within her chest that it can be heard by her own ears— it’s a little terrifying, honestly. Nicolette had always thought herself uniquely strong, different from the normal strength of her fellow slayers or even average citizens. She’d thought her experiences made her the perfect vessel for enduring any kind of physical pain without batting an eye. That her skin had been hardened just like her heart, so that something as simple as words could no longer effect her. She’d endured countless violent acts and withstood any vitriol thrown her way for years. It’s something she’d always been prepared for. Cruelty.

But... she’s not prepared for kindness. For affection. 

IT’S NOT THAT I REALLY NEED YOU. What’s said. BUT I WANT YOU. What’s unsaid. 

Perhaps it should offend or even hurt, to hear that she’s not needed, but instead, it does the opposite. Suddenly there’s an invisible weight being lifted from her shoulders and her body has never felt so light. The words slip past her defenses without a fight, settling into every recess of her heart from which they will never leave, and the slayer can feel herself smiling. Not a grin. Not a smirk. Not a hint of amusement or flippancy, despite the way Satsuki tries to make a joke out of it. It’s soft and warm, reaching even her eyes as they crinkle around the edges with the force of it. 

She’s always been needed by others. It’s the nature of her path, after all. Being a demon slayer means being needed. It should be a good thing, a wonderful thing, and it is... sometimes. But, she’s grown tired, it’s true. Her body is worn and exhausted, the same way her heart is. Being needed can be a beautiful thing, but it can be agonizing, too. Nicolette went so quickly from being a child tossed aside, to a hunter who’s entire being became a tool meant to uphold the safety of others, that she’d skipped everything else entirely. She had never been WANTED. She had never been loved. Her life had become important only because she was useful, and it chipped away at her over time. In some ways she’s come to resent the people that cling to her, to the necessity of her existence, because at the end of the day they don’t care for her as a person, as a human being. They care because she will save them. She is not an individual, but an extension of something bigger and more valuable than herself.

Satsuki is different.

Satsuki has always been different, in the way she’s looked at Nicolette, spoke to her, handled her. From her endless nagging that juxtaposed her careful, gentle treatment, to her firm but loving insistence that Nicolette’s life mattered— not because she was a slayer, but because she was a her. It’s still mind boggling, even now, to think that despite all her great misfortune and suffering, she had somehow gotten so fucking lucky, to meet someone like Satsuki, let alone to be with her. Sometimes she still wakes up and has to pinch herself, even with the kakushi right there in her arms. So real, and perfect and hers. 

❝ Mm... me too, though... I think I did need you. I think I was waiting for someone like you my whole life, without even realizing it. ❞ The words are whispered like a confession, scarred fingers reaching out to brush delicately over the other’s cheek. She gazes at Satsuki with a kind of tender softness that her eyes have never held before meeting the kakushi, always so dark and filled with anger. It’s still so new and unfamiliar, but somehow... it feels perfect. It feels right. ❝ But I found you— or maybe you found me! ❞ She laughs, recalling the first time they’d met— a memory she cherishes, despite how fuzzy it was on account of her being heavily wounded and half dead. Satsuki probably remembers it far more clearly, which is both a blessing and a curse. ❝ I suppose it’s a little late to apologize for worrying you so much... but not too late to say thank you. If you hadn’t, I don’t know who I’d be right now... ❞

❝ You saved me, Satsuki... from death and from myself. Thank you... ❞

#tvrningout #[ YOU'RE IN THE FEELS AND SO I I DECIDED TO GIVE YOU MORE ] #[ BUT HOPEFULLY IT'S GOOD FEELS ] #[ I WANTED TO GIVE YOU SOMETHING LOVELY ;;; ] #[ BECAUSE I LOVE THEM AND YOU ] #↳ SHIP ; SATSUKI KOBASHIGAWA || tvrningout ❛ you gave me love when I could not love myself / and you save me ❜ #↳ ASKS ❛ since you’re lookin i’ll put on a fuckin show ❜ #↳ VERSE ; KNY: SLAYER || ❛ every time i break theres just more pain to burn ❜ #lost post

[makingspiritualityreal]

Something that really angers me about having a tough time, even without the self blame factor, is the time I spent hurting, that I could have spent creating.

I completely understand the necessity of shadow work and the importance of unearthing my past wounds, integrating the unconscious side of me, so in this way I always benefit even from negative situations, as I use them to grow and share my conclusions. I also don't believe in powering through forcibly and pressuring myself to create at the expense of ignoring my feelings. I did that a lot in the past and it just leads to a burnout. Dealing with your wounds is such an important step, and I can't skip it, and I don't want to.

Somehow in the middle of all the difficult situations that happened to me, I still managed to find inspiration to be passionate about what I can create. So I know exactly how it feels to be in this constructive space, and I'm honestly so surprised I even managed to get into that state, given everything that happened to me. Yet I've never been able to fully, long term have a pattern of creating from a healthy space, because I'm simply too weighed down by years of emotional wounds that I've suffered. I end up coming back to the point that puts me in a loop of "I'm too hurt to do anything".

At this point, I'm so paranoid that I feel like all the people who hurt me enjoy my life situation being bad so that they can feel like they're better than me in some twisted way. I never understood this process emotionally but it has been my experience that some people were capable of it. I'm scared to trust anyone, and I don't know if there is anything or anyone that is safe for me at all, and I don't know how to be realistic about it. I'm terrified most of the time. Terrified of not having my independent space, not having any choices, not knowing where to go, not knowing how to get anything for myself. Not having a safe space to heal, not knowing where to turn. Not having connections where I feel like I can 100% give my trust.

There are beautiful things inside me that I want to materialise into my life, both through my private pursuits and through what I share, but I have had nothing but obstacles on my way to do that even on the most basic level. Noone is going to give me back that time, the time that I spent laying down and crying or just feeling hurt and numb, just because of having a loving heart. I feel completely lost as to how I could reclaim that for myself, because I feel like I'm already drowning and being pushed underwater at the same time. I'm simply not capable of creating positive things when I'm in this state, confused, lost and hurt, not knowing where to turn. And I want to be able to create, not because I feel obliged but because it's also my personal desire, even if it happens to also benefit others.

I'm trying to have hope, that things could turn around for me, that I could finally be free, that even if I had to temporarily accept my life as it is now, it won't last forever. But I'm filled with regret at all the time I had to spend on healing from situations or people, that didn't even value me in the first place.

#personal #making spirituality real

[livlaurren]

Let It Go: Where Are The Corners Of My Mind?

I often lose myself in the depths of my mind’s abyss. Surrendering to hours of cloud-watching or wall-staring while little lightning bugs flicker in and out, like sunshine peering through clouds on a dark stormy day. The bugs tirelessly light up my dreams, my fears, and my emotions, each capturing my attention for a fleeting moment before switching off and igniting another thought.

How do they start, and where do they stop? Where are the corners of my mind?

There is something about the vastness of the universe that scares me, an ever-expanding monster threatening our entire existence, and yet, it fills me with intrigue. It is this same feeling I have for the monstrous eternity of the mind, it lies dormant, deep within my chest, forever tugging at my crevices. I am glad for its endlessness. Though overwhelming at times, often bringing distress or tears (I have learnt to be less inclined towards pushing daggers deeper into my chest), I still manage to find myself oddly comforted by the caressings of my chaotic uncertainties, I enjoy the emotional complexities of the wanderings of my mind. An internal-galactic explorer, you might say.

One thought I keep wandering upon lately, revolves around emotional stickiness. Those honeyed fingers clinging to memories from the past, the thoughts and feelings that clutch onto us and refuse to let go no matter how hard we shake. These moments were people lean on the advice of ‘letting it go’. How many times have you heard that term, or even said it to someone else? I feel like I am often prompting myself or others towards more positive growth-styled mindsets by recommending to ‘just let things go’ without ever considering what the term truly requires. How do we let go? How can we actively free ourselves from these sticky thoughts?

Conversations between my counsellor and I often come full circle to arrive at the topic of death. One notion from my counsellor that particularly resonates with me is the idea that we all experience little deaths in our lives every day. Partaking in the act of letting go seems to be opting into one of these little deaths. To ‘let go’ is to negate something from our lives, a removal that requires a change that might be outside of our comfort zone, and one that may leave us with a hole that cannot be filled in the same way again. When you think about it, letting go can be a terrifying act, even when it allows our freedom.

I am sure you have heard of the five stages of grief: Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross pioneered this concept in 1969, describing their use as defence mechanisms, serving to protect ourselves against the difficult realities of coping with loss. By seeing acts of letting go as small deaths, we can apply Kübler-Ross’ model to help us recognise our current state of grieving, deepen our self-reflection, widen our self-knowledge, and allow ourselves to seek and provide the support we need to move forward. It is important to note that these stages are not necessarily experienced in any particular order, and that one may bounce back and forth between them, or experience none of them at all.

Denial:

‘This is not happening.’

Anger:

‘Why me?’

Bargaining:

‘If I am better, my situation will change.’

Depression:

Hopelessness, sadness.

Acceptance:

Regaining your power, control, and being at peace.

So, what are you stuck with right now, what is your mind naggingly adhered to, and which stage do you feel you are at?

Open up to vulnerable self-reflection, an uncomfortable place where we step outside our ego and observe. Set aside some time to think without judgement, and practice mindfulness. Perhaps we could write, draw, or meditate, but utilise anything that assists in opening our minds up to gentle reflection. Remove critique, judgment, and comparison. Allow openness to change, and lean towards it, growing into evolving the self. Flow into this entirely new environment. Be an active participant in your own life.

Learn to love yourself again. Remind yourself of your strength, that you are not a static being, we ebb and flow, and are capable of repair. Although this may be heavier, harder, and more painful, we are built to endure it. Our minds are great and powerful, and we can channel this towards our benefit. Trust yourself to your core. Regain control through acceptance of life’s endless chaos.

The mind can hold us down, confuse us, and render us powerless. Yet, it can free us of its very own confines. What we need to do to grow is practice observing our inner workings, be observant, reflective, and learn.

Where are the corners of our minds?

Our mind is an open field, a bottomless canyon. It holds the mysteries beyond the ocean floor and above the clouded skies. It is endless, vast, infinite. The deeper we explore it, the more incredible destinations we find.

#writeblr #mental health #mental health awareness #psychology blog #psychology student #writblr #writers on tumblr #psychology #personal growth #change #acceptance #existentialism #existential thinking #grief #dealing with grief #loss #experiencing loss #letting go #let it go #how to let go #five stages of grief #elisabeth kubler-ross #grieving #moving forward #dealing with break ups #becoming unstuck #self help #self healing #self reflection #self improvement

[winderrific-moved]

im feeling oddly calm for someone who is having thoughts

#wind howls #im like calm but i feel weird #trauma tornado #i saw smth a while ago i dont remember who but it was about reactions to trauma and im like #wondering. what whould i have been like if my trauma made me angry instead of soft #because compared to like. my siblings or some people i know Trauma definitely made me too soft #i think. if itd have made me angry i wouldve killed god so it nerfed me that way. what would i have been like if i got mad ? #its weird to think about honestly bc its not something i can change i think. being angry still genuinely scares me even though im learning #to accept my anger like any other emotion i experience. still terrifying #but what would it be like. to not be terrified of my own anger ? to have reacted to what i went through and rebelled ? #i dont know. i dont think i ever will know

[eulangelo]

callout for @genderfluidlucifer

google docs

tw for transmisogyny + TERFs + emotional manipulation

Transmisogyny

Lucifer is a huge transmisogynist who will complain 24/7 about how TERFs hurt the ace community, but the moment @randomclustermissile , a trans girl (who is not an exclusionist at all) tries to point out transmisogyny in inclusionist circles (in the most vague and general way possible, without pointing fingers nor calling anyone names) Lucifer will immediatly jump to block her and so they did with me (another inclusionist) and i have to suppose to everyone else who agreed with that post, even arriving to vagueing about us in private group chats to suggest that we were “sympathizing with exclusionists”. all because we dared point out transmisogyny in inclusionist circles. lucifer is TME but apparently they think they’re the authority on TERFs and their talking points but actual trans women are not, according to them, since this is the stuff that they would go and spew to other people. (screenshots from @enbyoctoling​)

here’s more examples of Lucifer (again, a transmasc person) going deep in detail about how according to them, TERFs/SWERFs hate aro/ace people and are an active threat to us

1. link

[Image ID: Three screenshots of a post by Genderfluidlucifer. The first screenshot is of a paragraph that reads, "Hey. So I can actually answer this. Anon your commentary about how you thought terfs would approve of sex repulsed aces is sort of it. Except...not. Basically terfs hate ace people for not wanting sex in the approved by terfs way. Terfs are actually extremely interested in [forcing] amatonormativity onto everyone. Because for as sex negative as terfs are...they don't want to actually acknowledge or change the fact that amatonormativity is at the root cause of rape culture and misogyny."

The second screenshot is a zoomed in section of the post that reads, "So yeah no I have NO idea where exclus allies are getting this idea from that terfs would even remotely care about the sexual rights of ace people. Terfs generally hate any sexualities in the LGBTQ+ acronym that aren't LGB because they can't force a gender binary onto those sexualities. At least, not as easily. That's why it's actually a massive sign of someone who doesn't call themselves a terf being a crypto terf if they use the term LGB in a positive manner. Along with the term SGA, as it is deliberately exclusive of nonbinary and not inherently SGA centric queer-aligned sexualities. /END ID]

link to the full post, these are just excerpts but the whole thing is just a very long rant about how TERFs hate ace people and so on (i think it’s worth noticing that although the actual post is kinda long, trans women are never once brought op in a conversation about TERFs issues and the only time transmisogyny is mentioned is not relevant to the conversation)

2. link

[Image ID: A screenshot of a reblog by genderfluidlucifer. The original poster is nothorses. It reads, "Because apparently I have to say it: Testosterone is not a 'violent' hormone. It doesn't make you 'more aggressive' or a worse person, it doesn't make you 'dangerous,' or 'toxic.' Transmascs do not need to be 'warned of the dangers of T.' We do not need to spend our transitions terrified that we're going to become a danger to those around us - that HRT is going to turn us into a monster.

Everyone experiences mood swings during hormonal shifts (pregnancy, menstruation, menopause, estrogen HRT, etc.) and while you might have grumpy moments or feel anger/frustration that you need to learn to handle differently, that doesn't make you a bad person.

Testosterone can change the way you access/process emotions somewhat, but if you're already thoughtful about how you handle your feelings and treat others, you're going to be fine. It's normal to lash out on occasion, by accident, then apologize and work to do better. It doesn't make you a bad person. Everyone on HRT is prone to this, and everyone experiencing hormonal changes is prone to this.

Getting HRT should be positive and affirming; you should not have to spend your entire transition terrified of becoming a monster."

The post then has a reblog by captainlordauditor that reads, "The big danger of T is that needle ouchy." /END ID]

here’s them reblogging from known transmisogynist user @nothorses (once again, the irony that a post about how testosterone is seen as the "aggressive hormone" does not mention transfem at all which are literally the main victims of this rethoric in the first place)

3. link (1), link (2)

[Image ID: Two screenshots of posts by genderfluidlucifer. The first screenshot reads, "Queer exclus: We're not repackaging terf rhetoric! Saying that is transmisogynistic! Also queer exclus: Remove the plus from LGBT!" and has tags that say, "I will pay these people to grow some god damn self awareness. Imagine being this dense. Queer discourse." The post has 15 notes.

The second screenshot reads, "Honestly it is so stupid and frustrating to see ace exclus continue to deny that the ace discourse was started by terfs. Proof was given countless times. And a big name terf like galesofnovember even admitted to starting it. Those of you who demand proof but ignore all of this never wanted proof to begin with." and is tagged with, "ace discourse. The post has 38 notes. /END ID]

heres another two post of theirs conflating TERFs with ace exclusionism

4. link

[Image ID: A screenshot of a reblogged post by furbearingbrick. The original poster is boxlizard, Lucifer's old account. The original post reads, "By the way for people still in denial about it, here's galesofnovember, a terf, admitting that she intended to start the ace exclus movement. She's taking credit for it. Normally if the victims of this behavior weren't ace/aro or other queer identities y'all be ready to rightfully lynch her. But since it's us, y'all just still wanna stamp your feet and go, 'Nuh uh!' instead of acknowledging facts." The part that says, "admitting that she intended to start the ace exclus movement" is a link to a galesofnovember post.

There is then a reblogged addition from furbearing brick that reads, "archived versions of the receipts" and has two links to the webarchive. The tags read, "Bringing this back since it's apparently still relevant. Terfism mention. Aphobia mention. Queerphobia mention. Blocklist." and has 1,455 notes. /END ID]

this is their post that ive already talked about but basically they found a 52 notes post made by a TERF in 2012 and this one person said "i dont know why i dont get to be the princess of the anti-ace-brigade" and apparently they are convinced that this means TERFs started the ace exclusionism movement and that this is one of their goals. which is insane when TERFs in real life only care about making life miserable for transfem people first and foremost.

5.link

[Image ID: A screenshot of a reblog by genderfluidlucifer. The original poster is yu-gay-fudo. It reads, “Just in case you happen to be unaware, some of the “radfem lite” they post to warm you up to their rhetoric, just off the top of my head:

- Ace/aro exclusionism

- Bi exclusionism or claims that bi people are “less queer” bc of “straight passive privilege”

- Saying you have to be dysphoric to identify as transInvalidating nonbinary people

- Calling queer a slur regardless of context, saying people can’t identify as queer, and saying that it can’t be reclaimed

- “Mogai hell”, “kweer”, or otherwise mocking less common labels and claiming they are “just cishets who want to feel special”

- Excluding sex workers from feminist discussions or claiming that sex work is inherently evil

- Basically anyone who thinks they can determine what other people identify as”. The tags read, "queerphobia tw. twerfs tw. no id." and has 70,727 notes. It was reblogged on March 22nd, 2021 /END ID]

another example of conflating radfems to things that, while wrong, have little to nothing to do with them because being a radfem, again, is something very specific that has all to do with transfem oppression.

Emotional manipulation

Lucifer has done nothing but block, break boundaries, spread lies and vague about people, some of which were even mutuals with them knowing they would see the posts. when confronted about it Lucifer's only answer was "just say you hate me and block me" but they actually ended up blocking everyone first, making it impossible for anyone to set some boundaries with them or even just to calmly confront them about anything.

[proof: Io(popncourse) and Lucifer had a disagreement in a shared discord server, which prompted Lucifer to vague Io in a vent post. Io confronted them, as being vagued is one of buns triggers, to which Lucifer initially agreed to delete the vent post, but then proceeded to victimize themself and immediatly blocked Io. later on, Jude(malewifedeckard) was confronted by Lucifer, then after Jude told them “I’m worried that you’ll vague me just like you did with Io” they proceeded to block Jude and vagued about him too. when Io made a post (which was not a callout, it was just bun setting buns boundaries) explaining what Lucifer did, Lucifer immediatly jumped to victimize themself, acting like they were being called out and straight-up lying, even going so far as to say that no one tried to hear them out, which is a blatant lie if you consider the aforementioned Io and Jude’s attempts at doing so, with Lucifer immediatly blocking and cutting ties with the both of them. ] 

(screenshots taken by @popncourse and @malewifedeckard)

as seen in the proof above Lucifer’s behaviour is not ok because they don’t accept any kind of confrontation and immediatly jump to blocking, and after blocking, they'd immediatly go and vague about the people who confronted them pacificly, spreading more lies and painting themself as the victim and even arriving to say “no one hears me out at all” which is simply not something you can say when you block people who are trying to hear you out in the first place.

this is by no means an invitation to go and harass them, send them hate or anything like that. i absolutely don’t want anything even remotely hateful or negative to be sent their way after this post. 

this post was only made because:

1. as an ace person who fully supports the inclusion of aspec identities in the lgbt+ community i don’t want to support an enviroment that costantly downplays transmisogynistic oppression in order to be taken seriously. there are hundreds of ways to make aspec activism without acting like we(as in TME aspecs)are the victims of a system that seeks for the annihilation of transfemenine people in real life everyday. i especially don’t want to support TME individuals who act transfem-friendly but then block any transfem who tries to speak on transmisogyny without a second thought.

2. Lucifer’s behaviour has hurt two friends of mine and i don’t want to associate with someone who actively breaks people’s boundaries without taking accountability when messing up.

3. i cannot associate with someone who spreads lies about me accusing me of sympathizing with exclusionists all while having me blocked so that i can’t see it nor defend me. they complain about people not hearing them out but they’re the very first person who does not try to hear people out, and instead jumps to spread baseless rumors. this is not someone i can nor want to associate with. 

(image descriptions provided by @malewifedeckard)

#genderfluidlucifer #transmisogyny tw #terfs tw #ask to tag #txt #long post #ok to rb

[cinnamonest]

Kaeya Alberich - Yandere Profile

YES I love my eyepatch boy!! I really like him as a yandere, because he's definitely got several traits and behaviors that would make him a very unconventional/different yet absolutely terrifying one to have. Him or Diluc as your yandere is basically like playing a game on maximum difficulty. He's so arrogant dammit why does he have to make it hot

More importantly, someone take the ability to write n/sfw away from me I s2g... I go from trying to make serious content to nasty weird kinks and completely feral in .002 seconds the moment I add that readmore

tws: gaslighting, manipulation, yandere, mentions of mutilation

tws (below cut): noncon, a good deal of sadism, mentions of an*l

-----------------

What are they generally like? Lucid, aware? Obsessive? How do they behave?

He's actually one of the worst yanderes you could have in almost every regard, for two very simple reasons: his crippling psychological issues, and his intense selfishness. The first manifests as severe abandonment issues. It's the origin of his unhealthy feelings, most likely. Kaeya doesn't like the instability of people - based on his backstory, people always leave, or die, and even if they don't intend to, somehow it feels like abandonment, and he resents it. People leave him all alone and afraid and uncertain. That's generally all he knows, and despite the smug exterior, he's actually pushed people away quite a bit, keeps everyone at arm's length to ensure they can't become someone too important for him to accept their sudden absence. He can't care about someone, because that someone is fated to inevitably leave him, no matter who it may be.

That's why, once you manage to worm your way into his feelings and heart despite his best efforts, once he finally caves to acknowledging the feeling, he's aware. Painfully aware, because be can't stop worrying every waking moment about you, your well-being, your location. It reaches a point where he can't go about his job because he's simply too consumed with his worry.

The solution that kept him safest in the past was to avoid developing emotional attachments, but when he does, he's terrified of both your safety AND you intentionally abandoning him. Really, the latter would hurt worse, since he can't fault you for dying, but to abandon him? It would break him.

And, to some extent, he's developed a lot of  prideful anger about it, deep, deep down. He feels that he doesn't deserve to be abandoned, doesn't deserve to just be left behind under the guise of some greater purpose, and he'll be damned if he just lets you toss him aside like he feels others did. Even if you reject him, he won't accept it. You don't get to reject him. He won't allow that. What has he ever done to deserve everything that's happened to him? Nothing. You're the one person who has stayed with him, and you're going to continue to be with him. Forever.

That being said, he's still somewhat confident because he's got that arrogance about him. He doesn't perceive rejection, because he's always gotten a lot of attention for his looks, even if he's never actually followed through on anyone else's attention out of those same fears. He'll write off any perceived rejection as being for some other reason, something besides an actual rejection, and he'll seek to eliminate whatever he feels is keeping you from just accepting him.

Honestly, one of the most likely to have a full blown, classic-yandere-style psychotic breakdown. He can be driven to a snapping point, if there's enough stress or obstacles, and in case of that, he'll be a lot more willing to kill, and a lot more willing to hurt you, but it's a point that would still take a lot to reach.

But what's really terrifying about Kaeya is his delusions, primarily his ability to mentally justify everything he does without hesitation. Even most delusional yanderes struggle - they feel like it's wrong, they know it is deep down, and they take time to convince themselves of their delusions, tell themselves it's ok over and over, beg for reassurance, and get defensive when called out because they know they're in the wrong. The same isn't true for Kaeya. He automatically justifies his actions by default, and has absolutely zero doubt or hesitation to do so. He doesn't even need a complex reason for justification - it's a simple one. He deserves what he wants. Anything necessary to achieve that is fair.

How likely are they to kidnap their darling? How quickly will they do so?

Highly likely and very quickly, right up there with Diluc and Razor. And he's absolutely remorseless about it. It ties back into his delusional state and ability to justify anything he does - this is what's best for you. If you don't get that, that's your problem, not his.

He's another one to not want to pull some barbaric move like knocking you out, rather, he'd rather just trick you into walking right into your new home. He gets that you'll be upset about it, but to him, that's just part of the process. Not that he'll tolerate it for too long. 12, maybe 24 hours is enough time for you to reasonably be upset, but if you're still trying to fight him on this after that, he's going to get snappy about it, thinking you should already be over that by now.

How difficult is it to escape from them? How do they keep you restrained? How do they deal with attempted escape? 

You're not leaving.

It's not worth trying, really. How he manages to do it is a mystery to you, but he'll manage to keep you locked in right there at the headquarters with him. How Jean and Lisa haven't found out about you being there, how he convinced all of his guards to be on his side of things, you have no idea. Realistically, if you get out, he's likely to make you out to be some kind of criminal that needs to be found -- just not to hurt you in any way, so goes the order, and the knights know better than to question why.

He has eyes and ears everywhere, it won't take them anytime at all to find you. He's so confident in that, and combined with his pride, he doesn't feel the need to go get you himself. No, it's a lot more satisfying to sit back and watch as they drag you through the doors of the headquarters, slowly pull you to the end of the room and drop you down at his feet, where he can look down on you with that closed-eyed, artificially wide smile that tells you that you have seriously fucked up.

Escape attempts aren't going to be met with a single shred of mercy, really. The thing about Kaeya is he's ultimately a selfish, selfish bastard with a lot of deep-seeded, highly repressed emotional issues, and he has absolutely no problem with keeping you bound hand and foot, or maybe even make some permanent modifications to your body if that's what it takes to keep you. It's not a wise idea to even try unless you're absolutely certain to succeed, otherwise you may find yourself never getting the opportunity again. You don't really need those Achilles tendons intact, you know. And your ankle bones are just so fragile, they'll snap with just a little twist. Actually, that wouldn't be too bad, giving you more reasons to be grateful when he's doing everything for you.

He's not one to just let it go, either. No, escape attempts are the one unforgivable thing for him, the one thing that will make him totally and completely snap. You don't get to do that. You're the one thing that doesn't get to just disappear out of his life in a flash. Half the reason he sends the knights to get you rather than going himself is to give him some time to let the rage settle down, otherwise he knows he might not be able to control himself and might end up hurting you even worse than he intends to. He's not going to buy any excuses and won't go any lighter on you if you beg and grovel or anything. But you will apologize -- you get to choose how hard it is. You can apologize the easy way, or, if you don't want to, there are many ways to force it out. But by the end, he'll get an apology, and a promise to never try again, out of you, no matter what that takes. It's by far the worst state you'll ever see him in, and really, once is enough to dissuade you from trying again.

How easy are they to trick, deceive, or manipulate?

You'd have to try pretty hard. He doesn't have the sheer amount of years of life experience like Venti or Zhongli, but he's not the captain for no reason - he's perceptive, and highly intelligent.

Rather than simply mastering reading human voice and facial expressions for telltale signs of deceit, he's good at learning individuals in particular - memorizing the patterns of thought and action of a particular individual, and predicting how they will act. He can do it with everyone else with ease, how much more, then, with the object of an obsession? If you're trying to formulate some plan to trick him, he'll already predict what you'll do, if you lie, he already knows. It's creepier than the others, really, because it's not just that he can tell when you're lying, but rather he already knows you're going to lie or try some scheme before you do it. It feels so tailored and personalized to your thought patterns, it almost feels like an invasion of the privacy of your mind, which, really, is the one privacy you thought you had left.

He's great at gaslighting himself, too. He's a very good liar, and can make you believe anything he wants. He'll target your fears and paranoias, make you believe you're going crazy, and he'll do it all so perfectly you'll never suspect a thing. You'll end up coming to him for protection and guidance, exactly as planned.

How lenient are they? What privileges can you have, and what will you be denied?

Pretty strict. He doesn't let you have any outside contact, and you're limited on what you can do when he's gone. He'll bring you some books, maybe something to draw on -- no sharp writing utensils, though. In his mind, that should be enough to occupy you.

You won't get outside walks or visits. It's just too risky for him, and he really doesn't like seeing other people look at you. If you really, really beg, and you've been on amazing behavior, and you're well into your relationship, maybe a few months or so, there's a chance he'll take you out at nighttime, or sunrise, but at the slightest sign of intentions he doesn't like, you'll be dragged back, and you won't see the sun for a long time.

You'll have a very limited wardrobe, he doesn't see why you even need to wear anything, but if you're going to be stubborn, he can get you something simple, like an old shirt and some underwear, but that's about all you can have. Any requests for actual clothing are going to be denied. It's ridiculous for him to spend money on something you don't need, and besides, he prefers it this way, y'know?

What kind of rules do they have? What kind of punishment would they use?

Generally, it's a simple one: obey. You do what he tells you to do, and you don't do something if he tells you not to. This stems to similar rules that develop: be submissive, don't be argumentative, don't be defiant. Follow those, and you can both be happy, and that's what you want, isn't it? It had better be - he's not very lenient, and will harshly punish even small offenses. As for that punishment... most of it isn't going to be sfw. That's just how he is.

What he will do is emotionally manipulate you, and he's rather good at it. You wanted to escape? Ok. He'll let you have your way, let you be alone. All alone. All by yourself, in a little room, with no one at all, which is exactly how you would have left him, had you succeeded. He knows very well how that kind of loneliness bites. He's not totally cruel, though, and he won't withhold affection from you by the time he returns -- he doesn't need to, you'll already be crying and apologizing, which is exactly what he hoped for. Not that he won't briefly mock you for it.

"If I didn't know any better, I'd say you're crying like that because you actually missed me. Oh, you did? Being all alone isn't particularly fun, now is it? I'm sure you understand that now."

How do they deal with rivals, or perceived rivals? Will they get rid of them? Will they kill them themselves, or find another way?

Kaeya's an insanely jealous person. It doesn't show on his face, but it eats at him internally. It doesn't matter if it's a love interest, a platonic friend, even a family member. It's all the same -- people who want to take your attention away from him, people who you smile at that aren't him, people you love that aren't him. He's not one to delude himself into thinking everyone secretly loves you romantically, rather, it doesn't matter. Romantic interests are the worst threat, sure, but friends and family aren't much better.

He sees himself as above killing, though. He has people to do that for him, and he likes knowing that he has that much power. He's not going to dirty his hands with it, and frankly, they're not even worthy of his time and effort to kill them. Knights and other connections can take care of it just as well.

How easy is it to make them mad? What does their anger look like?

As somewhat previously discussed, the primary form of making him mad is attempting an escape. That's on a whole new level of anger because it strikes at a very deep, wounding insecurity. On a normal day, though, he's more easily exasperated than angry. He gets frustrated somewhat easily, especially if you're trying exceptionally hard to be a brat. He has very clear warning signs. His signature little smirk drops, he gets quiet, he balls his hands into fists and digs his fingernails into his palms. At that stage, he's irritable and might snap at you, but won't get too angry until you ignore those signs and push it.

If you do push him, though, he gets genuinely mad, which is a very quiet anger at first -- he doesn't talk much when he's mad. He acts. You'll know he's snapped when he puts down whatever he's doing, and just silently stomps over to you, face completely empty and flat, looking down at you with a cold expression. It's enough to put fear in you, but at that point, even if you apologize, you're not getting out of whatever he's planned.

So they see you as above them, beneath them, or equal to them?

Strongly in the "below" camp, a rather unusual stance for a yandere. Like many things with him, there's an inexplicable duality going on there.  You would think that if you loved someone so strongly you'd kidnap them, kill for them, and potentially suffer consequences just to have them, that you would really think highly of them. On the flip side, you would think that if you really saw someone as lowly, you wouldn't care for them, you'd see them as disposable.

But neither is true for Kaeya, no, he balances both obsessive love and complete narcissism regarding you. You're not disposable, no, he can't live without you, he needs you. But at the same time, you're not gonna be on any kind of pedestal. No, if anything, he sees himself on one, more like a throne, and you on the floor before him, how things should be.

He has a similar mindset to Zhongli or Albedo - you're fragile, you're dumb, you're incapable, and you need someone to care for you, protect you, guide you, someone who knows what's best for you, since you clearly don't. However, he's lacking in the attitude those other two have -- there's no seeing you as an angel here. There's no viewing himself as being absolutely honored to take care of you, or viewing protecting and caring for you as some kind of privilege that they're blessed to do, the way those two do.

No, as much as he loves those things, he'll never admit it, not even to himself really. Rather, his mentality is that you should be grateful. Here he is, a very highly respected, accomplished, capable person, and you...? You have what to offer, exactly? That's right, nothing, really, only cuteness and obedience, the latter of which you refuse to give him even though you really ought to. He's taking on the burden of making sure you don't get yourself killed, and how do you repay him? By getting mad about it, throwing a fit like some little kid? He puts up with your tantrums, which are really undeserved, by the way. He puts up with your disobedience and repeated rule violations, your sheer determination to defy him when he's going out of his way to do what's best for you.

One day, he thinks, you'll mature a little bit and understand why he does what he does, and when you do, you'll come groveling and sniffling about how sorry you are, how you'll never defy him again, how you'll be good and obedient from now on, and he'll love every second of it. He looks forward to that day quite a bit.

"Sigh... you know, you're pretty lucky I love you so much. You could stand to show me a little thanks, don't you think?"

How determined are they for you to love them? How hard will they try to make it happen? Or are they content just having you?

He's strongly determined, and yet... doesn't do much to try. It goes back to his mindset that really, you're the one who should be grateful for him, and eventually, you will love him. He's not gonna grovel to you or try different ways of making you love him, no, he's far too proud for that. But he's a smart man. He knows the effects that complete and total isolation other than one other person can have on someone. He's just going to sit back and wait for that effect to kick in, and slowly watch your fragile little mind deteriorate until you're desperate for affection. At which point, well, he can use it against you.

"You were so mean to me before, weren't you? You fought me every step of the way, and now you're just going to turn around and act like that didn't happen...? Well, if you're really sorry, I'll forgive you. But how am I supposed to believe you really are...? Maybe you can think of a way to prove it, hm?"

Bonus: Is there anything that makes them unique, in comparison to other yanderes?

Probably the severity of his degradation. As aforementioned, most yanderes, even the more confident or cocky individuals, either worship the ground their beloved walks on and sees themselves as beneath them, OR sees their darling as some sort of fragile, angelic being, and they are simply a protector or caretaker to that being.

It's a bit different with him, ever the narcissist. It's a strange duality born out of a rare mix of neediness, obsession, and pride. You're more like a toy, or a pet - an invaluable pet that he could never part with, but a pet nonetheless. He certainly looks down on you more than the average yandere - he mentally associates you as naive, fragile, even dumb like a lot of the aforementioned protector/caretaker types, but without the reverence to make up for it.

It's a bizarre duality that not even he fully understands - don't think for a moment that that means he'll ever tire of you, or view you as disposable. No, he's actually one of the most obsessive ones, yet very demanding of attention and praise, rather than giving it.

He frequently tests you - things like leaving the door unlocked, waiting outside just to see if you'll try it. Seeing you open that door, watching your face go from ecstatic excitement and drop to wide-eyed terror, it's priceless.

"My, my, you didn't waste any time at all, did you? Why do you look so surprised...? You should know I wouldn't slip up that badly."

Pet names, but in the most infuriatingly condescending way, and uses them more often when he's mad and trying to warn you that you're pushing his limits. Particularly fond of "sweetheart," especially with a low warning tone and clenched teeth.

General perverseness: how sexual of a person are they? What’s their drive like? How touchy do they get? Do they have any reservations about sexuality?

Horny fucker, all the way. The man has a lot of stress and frustration in his life already, that much more if you're... less than compliant with your new lifestyle. Sex, especially rough and hard, is a fantastic stress reliever.

Very little reservation. He's not crude about it, but he tends to make subtle innuendos very frequently, and laughs at your embarrassed reactions. Definitely the type to pull the whole shtick in which he says something with a blatant sexual undertone, then elaborates in a way to make it sound like having meant something else, follows with that smirk and says, "Why? What did you think I meant?" It's something he really enjoys doing, and loves to get embarrassed reactions out of people, particularly yourself.

"Touchy" doesn't begin to describe it. Pretty much from the moment you meet him, he's got his hands somewhere on your person. He grabs your shoulders when he stands behind you, he wraps an arm around you from the side when he walks up to you, he's always pressing his hands on your back and sides whenever you're navigating the streets, walking through doorways, wraps an arm around your waist when sitting next to you. It's highly uncomfortable, but really, he's just got something very subtly, but very strongly intimidating about him. You almost don't want to confront him on it. If you do, he'll laugh it off, and stop -- for maybe 48 hours or so, and then he'll be right back at it.

To the surprise of, well, everyone who's ever met him, he doesn't actually live up to the rumors of having been around the block, so to speak. His experience is actually little to none - that kinda happens when you push everyone around you away. Not that he'd ever let you know that, of course, and will probably lie if asked, but you can gleam a little bit of truth from slightly awkward movements and a bit of noticeable shakiness.

How forceful are they? Do they care about your willingness?

Kind of like Razor, the issue is that he loves you, and what better way is there of expressing love? He's not much for gift-giving or words of affirmation - no, he's a lot better with words of degradation, it comes more naturally to him. And he's certainly not one to enjoy acts of service -- well, not doing them, he'll gladly take them as a sign of your love, though. No, he expresses love through touch. It's like how, when you hug someone you really love, someone you missed, you squeeze them extra tight - the love manifests as a physical urge for some strong expression. Humans are physical about their emotions -- we punch walls when we're mad, we jump up and down when we're happy, and when you love someone, sometimes you just really, really want to pound them into a mattress as hard as physically possible. That's normal. That, and really, he's got his vices. He's actually fairly weak when it comes to resisting temptations, and prone to give in to urges for physical sensations like drunkenness and sex.

Is another one to be convinced that, with time, you'll come around. And is absolutely the top candidate to be one for using your own body against you - if you get wet, if you whimper, if you cum, that's just proof that you really do want this, that you're just being difficult because you enjoy being a brat, and he'll be sure to tell you that.

What sort of kinks or fetishes do they have, or would they fill?

This is nearly indistinguishable from punishment, sadistic bastard

D/S dynamics

Arrogant fucker wants to be served and worshipped, you could see it coming from a mile away. Anything that puts you beneath him is going to make him happy - anything where you're where you're supposed to be. There's a lot of options, but it doesn't really matter, as long as he feels like he's in control and ownership of you in some way, and as long as you act accordingly.

He wants it to be something that’s not just for sex, but rather, he’ll end up carrying it over into normal life, whether you like it or not. If you just went along with it in hopes of getting it over with once he cums, you’re going to be in for a treat when it starts to carry over. He gets a little too used to being worshipped, and decides he likes that submissive attitude on you enough to want to see it all the time.

Petplay/Collaring

It really helps that he sees you as something of a pet already, but really, the collar is the selling point. Even if you never go outside, there's something unbearably hot about the possessiveness of it all - really, it's there to remind you of your status as property. He wants to own you, and for you to be forced to acknowledge that he owns you, and there's really no better way to do that than something with his name on it. It's even better with a leash, one he can pull on when he's fucking you to pull you back onto him over, and over, and over, hearing it choke you the more he shortens it.

But really, having you crawl towards him on all fours and obey little commands so simple they're humiliating is pretty nice, too.

Impact pain/painplay

There's really nothing quite so powerful feeling as watching you cry and squirm from it, y'know? He's another one that just likes the marks his hands, belts, or anything else can leave all over the skin of your ass and the back of your legs. The thing with him, though, is it's not even always a punishment, he just does it for fun, and that makes it unpredictable. Will definitely make you count, it's a sadistic torture for your mind and body.

Throatfucking

May be used as a punishment measure, may just be because he's craving it, either way, even if you have a gag reflex, you won't for very long. He'll train it out of you gradually, grabbing the back of your head and just slamming all the way down into your throat, holding you there, making you choke - it's a beautiful sound, really, listening to you gag, all while your throat spasms around him, it's the best feeling, really, and will definitely be used as a threat if you need incentives to behave.

Choking

Ties into the dynamics, but really, there’s not much to say on this one. He likes the power trip from having his hands wrapped around your throat, seeing you struggle, watching your face go red, hearing those little choking noises. It puts power over you into his hands, and if you get pleasure from it against your own will, that’s even better.

How do they feel about pregnancy or babies? Do they want them?

Absolutely one of the ones to use it as a tool. If you have a baby, you'll be so much more bound to him. You'll need him more, you'll want him around more, you'll be much less likely to leave, and in a way it feels a little bit like a sign of ownership over you.

That being said, he's also acutely aware of his jealous tendencies, and realizes he would also be very likely to become jealous if he felt like you loved a baby more than him, or gave it more attention and affection than you do him. He doesn't like the thought.

So ultimately, the latter side prevents him from willingly trying, but if you really, really have defiance issues even after he's tried everything he can to break you help you adjust, he might consider it.

What kind of (nsfw) punishments would they use?

If it's mild enough, he can just take the route of extremely rough fucking - it gets rid of the frustration, he likes hearing you whimper and squeal, and he can leave lots of little bruises as reminders of what not to do in the future.

But, again, he already gets off to putting you in pain - it'll be that much worse when you've done something to deserve it. Harder hits, no mercy whatsoever, and he just loves all your little cries, wiping away your tears and smiling at you, right before bringing down whatever instrument of pain he's chosen again. If you really, really make him mad, and he really wants to make you cry, he's not above fucking your ass, either, watching you cry and beg, but you'll learn with time that begging doesn't ever get you out of anything.

What body parts of their darling do they like the most?

Definitely an ass man. Likes fucking you in doggy, seeing the ripple every time you bounce back off of him, pulling your hair or arms to add some force. He likes seeing all the little red marks that his hands and belts and anything else will leave on the skin, views it like marks of possession. Grabbing, beating, fucking, it's all good.

#Jesus take the wheel im too nasty for this #yandere x reader #yandere genshin impact #yandere kaeya #tw: dark content #tw: noncon #tw: non/con

[forever-rogue]

Hii! From Prompt List 1 can u do number 3,51 and 243 w javier peña please ✨

Also i love ur writings so much ⭐

3. "Am I supposed to be scared of you?"

51. "Go on them, tell me. Tell me you don't love me."

243. "Oh my God, you're in love with her!"

Enjoy!

Javier Peña x Fem!Reader ; warnings: language

Javier Masterlist

»»————-　♡　————-««

"Tell me," there was nothing but venom lacing your voice as you stared at Javier. Your face was slick with tears as you tried to keep your lips from trembling. You wanted to break down, gods knew you did, but you weren't about to give him the satisfaction. You would do that as soon as he walked out of your apartment for what would be the last time, "go on then, tell me. Tell me you don't love me."

"Don't do this cariño," the bastard had the audacity to try and call you by your pet name, "you know this is the way. The only way."

"You're such a damn liar," you hissed at him. You should have seen this coming. You should have known. 

You shouldn't have fallen in love with Javier Peña.

"We always knew what we were doing was wrong," it was a meek insistence, hollow and empty and neither of you quite believed it, "it was never supposed to go this far."

"This far? This far?" you wanted to scream, to grab his shoulders and shake him, to knock some sort of sense into him, but instead you just stared at him, eyes glossy with unshed tears, "did you think we would fuck and that’s it? I told you it was never going to be just that. And you never seemed to have a problem with that."

"You need to stop," this time it was more firm and his nostrils flared as he tried to control the hit of rage that had seemed into his bones, "we both knew what this was from the start. It was just sex."

"You're here, in my apartment, lying to my face," you sniffled as you dabbed at your eyes and wished you would wake up to find this was a horrible dream. You wished you'd wake up, wrapped in his arms while he slept soundly, like you had so many other times. You wished, you wished, you wished. But that didn't change the reality of the situation, nor the gravitas of it, "if you can look in my eyes and tell me you don't love me - never loved me - do it. If you can do it, I'll let this go."

"You're being ridiculous," he huffed and rolled his eyes ever so slightly as his hands went to his hips. 

"I'm being ridiculous?" your voice rose up about two octaves as you realized just how hysterical you did sound. But it didn't matter - once Javier had made up his mind, he was a stubborn piece of work. But you refused to let this go, "I'm not the grown man that won't even admit his own feelings. That runs every time something comes up. That shuts out everyone and everything anytime it gets real."

"Maybe you're just thinking too much into this!" and there it was - the fiery temper that he was famous for. It wasn't shocking because it had suddenly jumped out; it was shocking because he'd never raised his voice at you, "maybe you just want to make something out of nothing! It was never anything - it was just sex. Why can't you just accept that?"

"Am I supposed to be scared of you?" you raised your voice and yelled back with just as much as anger and spite as he spit at you, "you're a liar and a coward. You can't even look at me - if you don't love me fucking tell me!"

"I'm not doing this right now," he huffed as stepped over the threshold, shoulders rising and falling in rapid movements as tired to control his anger, "I'm done - whatever we had, its over now."

"Javier," you tried to reach for his hand, but he was quick to pull out of your grasp, causing you to sigh heavily, "don't walk away - not like this."

"There's nothing left to say," he insisted quietly, staring at the floor, rather than daring to look in your eyes, "I'll see you at work and that's that. Everything else is done. Obviously you cannot handle this."

"You're just going to walk away," you were incredulous as a few tears of grief and anger rolled down your cheeks, "fuck you, Javier. I hate you." 

You slammed the door shut before he could say anything else. Tears were heavily pouring down your cheeks and spilling onto the cool slide as you sank to the floor. Small ugly little sobs racked your body as you gave up and in to your pathetic inner, upset self. You loved him, you really, really did. You knew that. 

You knew he loved you too. You knew he was scared. Damn scared. And it was okay - if he would have opened up to you.

»»————-　♡　————-««

“You look like shit,” Steve barely looked up from his coffee and morning review of documents as Javier stormed in, practically slamming himself down in his chair. He groaned and flipped Steve the middle finger before reaching for his cigarettes, effortlessly lighting it up and leaning back, “what happened to you?”

Javier closed his eyes but remained silent, a vain attempt at letting his mind wander too far. He hadn’t slept the night before, mind and thoughts racing over and over with snippets of his conversation with you. Your words had stuck in his mind all night: coward, coward, coward. And you had been right. 

He was a coward; pathetic and scared all because he didn’t want to risk getting hurt. Or hurting you. And in the end he had managed to do both. It was never supposed to go this far, it was never supposed to be anything more than sex, but the lines had become so blurred and so fast, and before he knew - he was in love.

And that terrified the shit out of him. 

So he reacted how he tended to do; to push you away. To isolate himself. It was supposed to be easy, supposed to work. All it had down was leave him with regret eating him up alive. He should have admitted you were right, he should have confessed. If there was anyone worth taking a chance on - it was you. He’d known it was you from the first time you’d had sex it was just...different. Different from every other experience he’d had. And gods, how he’d slowly fallen for all the little things you did, all your little quirks. 

Your smile, that laugh, those eyes that seemed to convey a million emotions at once. Your steadfast stubbornness, the fact that you always called him on his bullshit, how you never backed down from confrontation, how you gave so much to others and asked for so little. How you’d chide him for getting even a papercut, and how you’d love him, even when he didn’t ask you to. How you;d take him in your arms, wordlessly, and give him everything he needed and then some, how you’d chase away his fears and pain. How - 

Everything. 

He was in deep, and when it came down to the wire, he’d run. Like a liar and a coward. 

His eyes snapped open and landed on the desk, the spot you normally occupied and found it empty. A scowl tugged on his features as his brows knitted together, “where is she?”

“Hmm?” Steve looked back up and followed Javi’s line of sight before he shrugged lightly, “I talked to her this morning, said she wasn’t feeling good.”

“Bullshit,” he hissed under his breath, just enough for Steve to hear, “did she say when she’s coming back?”

“I dunno, Javi,” Steve sighed heavily, “she’s a grown woman, if she’s not feeling well, she’s not feeling well. She’ll be back when she’s better. Calm down.”

“Steve-”

“Oh god - you’re in love with her. Aren’t you?” the smirk tugging on his features was undeniable as Javier rolled his eyes but refused to look over, “I knew it - everyone knew it.”

“What is that supposed to mean?” his mouth went dry as he looked at his partner and felt like slamming his head against the wall. Of course. It’s so obvious.

“I mean...it’s just...everyone’s known, Javi,” Steve couldn’t help but laugh at the surprised look on his face, “it’s so obvious. You’re different because of her - for her. You might be the last person to know. Shit...you haven’t told her, have you?”

Javier made a small sound in his throat but otherwise remained silent as he stared at your desk. Not feeling well my ass, he thought to himself before running a hand over his tired face. 

But you didn’t come back the next day. Or the day after that. Or the day after that. Or - 

Shit. He had really messed up. 

You were all he could think about, plaguing his waking and sleeping hours as he tried to figure out what to do. His mind was on you as he sat in the office and smoked cigarette after cigarette and glossed over paperwork. You were in his every thought as he and Steve chased after some of Escobar’s men; so much that he almost slipped up and let them get away. 

By Friday afternoon, he couldn’t handle it any longer. This was ridiculous and he was going to put an end to it all, one way or another.

Javier almost jumped out of his seat, grabbing his leather jacket and half empty pack of cigarettes without a word as he stormed out of the office. Steve barely looked up in time to catch him, his question dying on his tongue as he watched his partner storm out. He didn’t have to ask to know exactly what was going on.

Finally, he thought to himself shaking his head, finally. 

»»————-　♡　————-««

"Open the door," Javier's voice was commanding but it still managed to shake as he rapped his knuckles against the peeling paint of your door, "cariño, I know you're in there…"

And you were. You were curled up on the couch in your pajamas, an empty bottle of wine on the table as an old, cheesy romance movie played in the background. The lights were off and you were tired, but you still couldn't manage to find sleep. 

You'd avoided going into the office for the last couple of days, feigning illness and earning a scoff from the ambassador, but nothing else was said. In the time you'd been in Colombia, you'd never so much as used a single sick day, so they didn't question you. But of course your partners did. Well, one of them. The other had known exactly what was going and it had been eating him up inside, even if he wasn't ready to admit it.

But his little heart to heart with Steve had inspired him - practically shoved him in the right direction. You'd been on his mind rent free since he'd left. Hell - for much longer than that.

"Go away," you managed to croak out before burrowing further into your pillow, feeling a fresh wave of tears spill down your cheeks at his presence. Knowing you almost had him but didn't was heartbreaking, "you made it clear we have nothing, Javier.”

“Open the damn door,” there was a tone in his voice that you hadn’t heard before - was that...desperation? Javier paused and sighed heavily, “please. I-I...fuck, I fucked up.”

“If you’re going to play some sort of cruel joke, save your breath,” you huffed, “like you said, we are nothing. We’ll be work partners and that’s it.”

There was a beat of silence and a part of you thought he left, you were almost relieved at the thought. But before you knew it, you heard the keys jingling in the lock and the door opened; you cursed yourself for giving him a spare set. Either way, he probably could have figured out how to get in anyways. He just couldn’t let it go.

“Cariño,” he came and swiftly made his way over to you, frowning when he saw you all curled up and the discarded mess around you, "I-"

"Go away, Javi," it was a pathetic plea as you glanced up at him. His heart felt it was going to shatter and break at the sight of your red, glossy eyes as you sniffled at him, "haven't you done enough? Or should I be apologizing for having feelings and being honest about them?"

"I should be begging you for forgiveness," he dropped to his knees beside you, a hand tentatively reaching out to you, as he tried to see if you would pull away. Despite wanting to, instead wishing you could yell and scream, you stay rooted in position as he gently pushed your hair out of your hair. He brushed his thumb gently over your cheek as your eyes fluttered closed at the familiar touch, "I am so sorry."

"Sorry for what?" your brow furrowed at his words, "you made yourself very clear."

"I fucked up - you're right. I am a liar and a coward," he confessed as your eyes snapped back open to meet his. They were gentle, softened in the corners with the crinkles that you adored so much, "I realized I had feelings and I panicked. I shut you out and hurt you."

"My head hurts, Javier," you sighed slightly, "just get to the point."

"I love you," he admitted and suddenly it felt your heart had dropped into your stomach as you stared at him. He was sure you must have heard the wild beating of his heart as he tried to anticipate your reaction, "I-I'm in love with you."

"If this is your idea of a joke," you moved his hand away and sat up, trying to prepare yourself for any possibility, "its even more fucked up than just breaking my heart. I knew what this started this and I should have stopped it when I started to catch feelings but I-"

But Javier didn't let you say anything further. Instead, he cut you off by crashing his lips onto yours and kissing you deeply - slowly and with meaning. It was an easy dance, one you'd done hundreds of times before. But this time just felt...different.

His arms wrapped around your waist as he pulled you close, and yours wound around his neck. Effortless and easy, just like everything with him was. It was anything frenzied or hurried, but slow and gentle as he tried to convey his every thought and feeling through his touch. He thought his heart might burst when he felt your smile whilst his lips, as you carded a hand through his dark locks.

Only when you were both breathless and drunk off of each other did you pull apart. He stared at you, his gaze soft as you grabbed his face and delicately cradled it before pressing another kiss to his lips.

"I hope this means what I think it means or I'm going to have to murder you," you whispered against his lips, as his own tugged into a smile, "because I am in love you and I don't know if I can ever change that."

"It means I'm an idiot," he admitted, "a cowardly fool that ran when things got real - although they were always real. Its obvious, isn't it? I just never realized."

"That's because you gave a thick skull, Peña," you gently tapped a knuckle against the side of his head, "and you need to learn to be more open - with me anyway. You don't have to be afraid, Javi. Not with me; I'm not going anywhere, you know that. I know you - the real you - and nothing about you scares me or whatever you think it is. I love you and that means every little bit of you."

"I…" he paused for a moment, inhaling and exhaling slowly as your words washed over him. His heart had never felt warmer or more light as he realized the immense weight your words held. He closed his eyes and nodded, gently pressing his forehead against yours, "I love you. Fully and completely cariño. Even if I am an idiot."

"My idiot," you promised softly, "just talk to me next time, okay? Don't run and hide - stay with me. It'll be okay, you will always have me."

"Fuck," he whispered as he pulled you into his arms and wrapped you up in the tightest hug possible, "I'm sorry - so sorry. I love you."

"I love you, Javier," you whispered, "stay with me?"

"Always."

»»————-　♡　————-««

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[logicalbookthief]

Things Left Unsaid -- An Analysis of Rei & Touya

Apparently Rei has been getting a lot of flack lately, all of it undeserved, and since I had a post analyzing her relationship with Touya in the works already, I figured no time like the present.

Disclaimer #1: There are a lot of issues with the writing for Rei’s character that have nothing to do with her and everything to do with how the storyline is using her, which I will address and examine.

Disclaimer #2: I’m someone who, while always curious as to what kind of relationship Rei had with her oldest son before he died, never thought it would be revealed that Touya was close to his mom. I don’t think you get the Dabi we see in Chapters 290-295 without him being so warped by his relationship with his father yet so dependent on his attention that he was willing to kill his brother and himself simply for his father’s acknowledgement.

But that’s what I find so interesting about Rei and Touya -- it’s a relationship that mainly consists of regrets and things left unsaid. There isn’t the anger or resentment Dabi feels for Endeavor, because that intense level of emotion sprung from the loss of the father who used to be his whole world. His feelings toward his mother seem more amicable, but also more distant.

And while she could’ve done some things differently in regards to her oldest, I want to make it clear that the distance between them was very much by design.

After all, Touya was the end goal of their marriage. It was never any secret as to why Enji wanted to marry her and to some extent Rei must’ve realized that this child was not meant to be hers: the child was the transaction, the thing she was needed to create, to give to her husband. Of course she loved Touya and was likely his primary caregiver for most of his life, but there was no doubt that once his quirk manifested and he could begin his hero training, his life would be dominated by his father. Which is what happened.

Here, I would like to point out something I noticed in the flashback chapters. We never see any panels of Enji alone with any of his children during their infancy -- even with Shouto, the perfect child he longed for, we see Rei holding Shouto, sitting by him as he sleeps. Enji is there tangentially. Once Shouto begins his training, that is when we see him with his father.

So to see Enji with Touya when he was a baby, prior to his quirk manifesting, strikes me as a big deal. But it makes sense if you remember that he’d placed all his hopes, dreams and expectations on his firstborn. Initially, it doesn’t look like he even considered the possibility that Touya wouldn’t be his successor or that his little eugenics experiment would fail; this was his first, most optimistic attempt at a masterpiece. So I don’t believe it’s far-fetched to see him spend more time with Touya right off the bat (it’s what will make the eventual abandonment all the more crushing).

However, Rei isn’t seen at all in the snippet of Touya’s infancy, despite us knowing she was relegated to the caregiver role. Rei is literally out of the picture. Compare this to how she features prominently in Shouto’s infancy or how we see her holding a baby Natsuo. You could argue that, hey, we don’t see her holding a baby Fuyumi either, but there’s other scenes where Fuyumi’s attached to her mother’s hip or crying over her being hurt. Things that suggest a closeness, when the only scene we get of just her and Touya is one where they’re at odds. 

As we move further into Touya’s childhood, though, Rei becomes the only voice we hear advocate for him against his father. I’m referencing two specific instances:

When Enji coerces her into having more children to replace Touya now that his father has deemed him a failure, something she knows will hurt their son deeply.

And after Touya lashes out at Shouto, which Rei doesn’t blame on Touya, but rather on his father. She delivers such a satisfying condemnation of his actions, probably the most cutting one Endvr’s received to date, and it so accurately sums up one of his major character flaws.

How can you call yourself a hero when you can’t even face your own son?

The tragedy of it all is that Rei never said any of this in front of Touya -- it was always said in private, just to her husband. That alone took courage, yes, but it would’ve meant everything to Touya to hear her condemn his father aloud. Instead when she does speak to him, she says this:

It’s why I can’t wrap my head around that scene in Ch 302, where after Enji admits he didn’t know what to say to Touya, Rei replies, “Neither did I.” 

When we’re shown in flashbacks during that same chapter that she did understand her son. “He just wants to be acknowledged by you” is quite the indication that she, at the very least, understood the cause of Touya’s turmoil even if she couldn’t fully relate to it herself. So why can’t she say any of this to him?

The answer is in the way she addresses Touya, as it is nearly identical to how Nao addresses Tenko in this scene:

Both Touya and Tenko grew up in similar households: the father had all the power, physical and financial, so the mothers were left to try and comfort their children in a way that didn’t go against their husbands’ desires -- and so, to use Tenko’s own words, they would “reject them with kindness.”

So it’s no wonder that Touya lashes out at his mother after she suggests he pursue other things. He isn’t five like Tenko was, he’s thirteen and has a much clearer understanding of why she says this and why it’s a bit hypocritical, since he’s aware of her situation, too.

Just as she was bound by her family, who wanted her to marry Endvr for the money and status, he’s bound by the expectations of his family. I’m not sure if I’ve seen anyone else touch on this detail, but when Touya states that he knows his grandparents sold his mom into marriage so his dad could have a child, we could infer that Touya knows enough to realize that his mother might not have necessarily wanted him.

Not him specifically, but any child — the story has neglected to flesh her out beyond her marriage and motherhood, so we have no idea if Rei wanted to become a mother prior to this arrangement, despite how much she loves her kids now — although it is possible that he might’ve internalized it this way.

So you have Touya, who at least knows with certainty that his father wanted him to exist, yet he comes to understand that his father only wants him if he can meet a specific set of expectations, and if he cannot, he’ll be discarded. If he can’t surpass All Might, he can’t fulfill his reason for existing and his father will have to replace him. So to have his mother urge him to follow a path other than becoming a hero would mean, to Touya, accepting that he is the mistake he fears he is. Of course he isn’t going to respond well to that.

I don’t like when people try to compare Touya’s reaction in this moment to Shouto’s when Rei tells him he isn’t bound by his father’s blood, using that to paint Shouto as the “good” child and Touya as the “bad” one. They didn’t react differently because of any innate sense of goodness or lack thereof -- they reacted differently because the situations are different.

Telling Shouto that he didn’t have to be like his father comforted Shouto, who only knew his father as the bully who hurt his mom. He associated his father, and his father’s fire, with all of that fear and pain -- and thus, he associated the part of himself that took after his father with those feelings. She wasn’t denying his dream of becoming a hero, only assuring him that when he became a hero it could be whatever kind of hero he chose to be, that he wasn’t doomed to be like his father.

Whereas what she tells Touya sounds a lot like what his father told him, which was to give up on being a hero and pursue other aspirations.

Encouraging Shouto to become his own version of a hero still falls in line with what Endvr ultimately wants, which is for Shouto to be a hero capable of surpassing All Might. Whereas this is what happens when Touya continues to train to do that against his father’s wishes:

This is where the framing begins to bother me and where Rei’s characterization becomes inconsistent. 

So in this scene from Ch 302, we see Enji abusing his wife for “letting” Touya continue to train, punishing her for her “failure” to stop him. Obviously, none of that is Rei’s fault. If anything, Enji would be more responsible for preventing Touya from hurting himself since he’s the reason his son is hurting himself in the first place.

Moreover, the fact that he hits Rei over this sort of muddies the water of an previously-established narrative. Since the Sports Festival arc, we’ve known that Endvr abused his wife because she tried to interfere with Shouto’s training. It got to the point where she was terrified of her husband and it drove her to a breakdown. Why introduce this new aspect to the abuse, when it was already established that a) he was physically abusive and b) his motivations for abusing her were explicit to the audience? 

I’m not saying it doesn’t make sense that a man who hits his wife for one reason could find another reason to do it and justify his actions to himself. And while the scene does portray Endvr in a bad light to show how wrong his actions are, literally draping his figure in shadow, why does it even dare to suggest the idea that Rei was remiss in her duties as a mother? Again, the scene isn’t even necessary, since the narrative has long-since showed the audience that Enji abused his wife. 

By itself, the scene would read as further exploration of how Rei was victimized and how it affected her children. When you look at it with the chapter as a whole, though? Remember, this is the chapter where Rei claims that all of the family shares the blame in what happened to Touya, displacing some of the blame that rightfully rests on Enji. 

But my major gripe with this scene is how it reframes the sole moment we get of Rei and Touya alone. Because we know that Rei understands Touya, based on her confrontations with her husband in Ch 301 & 302. Rather than encourage him to be what he wants or acknowledge that his father is in the wrong, however, her advice falls in line with what Enji wants -- to stop Touya from training. And this comes after a scene where we see Enji beat his wife when she doesn’t stop Touya from training.

With all that in mind, it could potentially be read as Rei trying stop Touya for the sake of protecting herself and the family -- I don’t think it’s coincidence that in the scene where he hits her that we see Shouto, Fuyumi & Natsuo all as witnesses who are very distressed by what’s happening to their mother -- at the cost of Touya’s need to be validated. And if executed well or at least better than it has here, that wouldn’t be a bad choice of narrative per se, and it would fit into the pattern where the households the villains were raised in -- notably Shigaraki, Dabi & Toga -- mimic the society they live in, just on a smaller scale.

Except. Does that sort of narrative make sense based on what we already know about Rei?

Certainly, it is natural to want to protect yourself under physical and/or emotional duress by appeasing your abuser. This sort of complicated dynamic appears in the Shimura family, too. Just like in the house that Kotaro built, the Todoroki family revolves around the desires of the abuser and is dictated by his whims.

I would argue that Nao does give us a well-written example of this narrative. From the beginning, it’s established that she loves Tenko dearly. But in the house her husband built, there’s no room to love her son as he deserves. She prioritizes the feelings of Tenko’s father for the sake of maintaining peace in the household and this is established quickly and plainly.

Early on in the flashback, Kotaro exerts his control over the house, while Nao + her parents look uncomfortable. Despite this, we watch as they comply with his rules, all at the expense of Tenko’s feelings. When she stands up to Kotaro at last, it is not where Tenko can see and already too late. It’s a painful story, full of regret and sadness, but it is consistent from start to end. Nobody feels out-of-character or there to prop up anybody else.

So why doesn’t Rei feel as consistent in this narrative?

Because it doesn’t fit with everything we knew about Rei prior to her abuser’s subpar redemption arc.

The way she interacts with Touya would make sense, if this was how she was portrayed from the start. However, her behavior in Shouto’s flashback -- where she was first introduced -- contrasts what we get in the later Todoroki flashbacks.

Let’s compare this to the scenes in Ch 302. Here, Rei interferes on Shouto’s behalf. She advocates for her son in front of Shouto where he can hear. She stands up to his bully/villain and tries to protect him, while also validating his feelings in the process. Directly after this, Enji hits her, not for failing to comply with his demands, but for defying him. 

It is difficult to reconcile this Rei with the Rei we get in Ch 302. And if you try to find an in-story reason for the inconsistency, the options either do a disservice to Rei or make things even more painful for Touya. But I’m sure most of you have realized that I’m going to suggest a reason for this inconsistency that goes beyond the canon.

Because when Rei was first introduced in the story, Endvr was unequivocally the villain in the Todoroki family, not some misguided patriarch trying to atone for his “past” mistakes. Years later and in the midst of his redemption arc, the narrative seems to be intent on making this man more palatable to readers, and it’s used Rei at every opportunity to prop up his efforts to be better. Often, though, it takes some of the heat off Enji by displacing it onto other family members, most significantly Rei & Touya.

Like, you can literally see the difference in the frame from early in the manga to now:

Ch 39: Endvr trains his five-year-old to the point where he’s throwing up due overextension and being punched by a fully grown adult who is also his father. Rei tries to protect her son and gets slapped by Endvr. All the blames rests squarely on Endvr, who is clearly the aggressor and painted as the villain here.

Ch 302: Endvr hits Rei for not preventing Touya from sneaking out to train, knocking her to the ground. Again, Endvr is clearly the aggressor, but oh this time it’s not driven solely by his selfish desires it’s also cocnern for his son; Rei is the victim but oh she also should have been watching him more closely, and oh well why was Touya going out in the first place, when everyone has told him to stop and he knows his mom will get punished for it?

Honestly, I can understand where some people have mixed feelings over Rei’s character, particularly since the writing has done her such a disservice recently. With that being said, however, it takes a minimum amount of critical thinking to recognize that while you can criticize some choices she made, you cannot hold her to the same standard of accountability as Enji, it’s absurd. The power imbalance was obviously tipped in Endvr’s favor, always.

It is a shame, too, that we can’t have more discussions that don’t turn into some readers (a lot of whom are attempting to make Endvr sound less horrible than he actually was) trying to demonize her. It’s doubly a shame the story itself doesn’t bother to flesh her out as a person, instead using her as a prop, because the complex relationships she has with Touya -- with all her children, really -- has plenty of room for exploration. 

Like, there was no reason to add this new dimension of resentment due to her spouting Enji’s words back at Touya, when there was already a source of tension supported by previous canon -- the neglect the Todoroki kids suffered because Rei couldn’t be the parent they needed, due to her declining mental health and eventual breakdown.

Or, if you want to complicate their dynamic further, why not add something that focuses on Rei and has nothing to do with Enji? We learn in the flashbacks that Rei agreed to the marriage more-or-less to please her family, lamenting that she “intended to smile through it to the end,” essentially admitting that her hope was she could grin and bear it. It is telling that she had this attitude before entering her marriage; evidently, she was raised with the idea that she should be acquiescent to her parents’ whims and not express herself if she was only going to be contrary. Maybe she didn’t know how to deal with Touya’s very expressive, very emotional outbursts as a result. And her inability to respond would be the exact opposite of what Touya was seeking.

Not to mention that Touya died, and for the last decade, Rei was under the impression she had lost her son forever. He died while she was hospitalized, torn up with guilt over what she did to Shouto, only to find out that her other son died in a frankly horrific manner, and she could do nothing. By the time she would’ve found out, it was too late to even try to do anything. I can’t imagine what she must’ve felt in terms of regret alone, plus her grief. And I’m still mad we were robbed of her reaction to Touya being alive, because now suddenly there is a chance to do something, to change what was once written in stone.

Or what about Touya’s feelings for his mother, that have yet to be given much depth? As the oldest and most aware of his existence, it seems like he was the first to truly understand his mother’s situation and I can’t help but wonder: If Touya knew he vessel for his father’s ambition, and his mother was sold into role of creating/caring for him, did he question her love for him? Once he found out one parent’s love was conditional, it wouldn’t be a leap for him to consider it for the other. And yet if that’s true, Dabi doesn’t appear to hold any ill-will towards her for that. He was angry at her hypocrisy, because he knows she should understand, but her words to him didn’t reflect that.

All of that is fascinating and so much better than what we got in canon, so far at least. I’m hoping for them interact in the present at least once before the end of the series, and I think they will, but as to how satisfying a reconciliation it’ll be, I guess we’ll have to wait to see how the Todoroki plotline progresses from here on out.

#bnha #touya todoroki #rei todoroki #bnha meta #bnha analysis #this took way too long because I kept having more thoughts which made it even longer lol #and it actually gave me another idea for a touya & rei meta post but this is already a monster so that'll have to be its own separate post

[well-its-not-human-anymore]

Hi lovely! I just want to say, your writing is amazing!! Do you think you could do little headcanons for each bayverse brother where the reader is almost ALWAYS super happy and chipper, super kind to everyone all the time, but then one time somebody (turtles or readers family, doesn't matter) says something to really piss them off? Like... Teeth clenching, furious, silent, and boiling kind of anger that terrified the SHIT out of them that they've never seen before or expected from them?? 😂

Usually, when my Dad and Stepmom are arguing, the fight is blamed on me because I'm "the oldest" and "the most responsible" and I become extremely upset, completely opposite of what I usually am, and there's nobody I can talk to. Thank you so much, for taking my request!! Love your writing!! -Captain trash 🐌

Ohhhh 💢😡 love this, and I do this all the time. Out here bottling my emotions like I'm canning pickles.

TMNT Headcanons

The boys reacting to the quiet type of rage

Leonardo

you were an absolute angel

this was one thing Leo knew to be true

to him, you were like a carbonated beverage, bubbly and sweet

but what he didn't take into account was that like most carbonated drinks, you always hit just right

he learned that the hard way

no, he wasn't sure what he'd actually said to set you off, but he knew it probably wasn't about him insulting potato chips

you weren't that passionate about potatoes, shockingly enough

but he'd ran his mouth when he shouldn't have and immediate correction was provided via a VERY solid punch to his plastron

then you were up and storming out of the kitchen to your personally designated shelf at the other side of the lair, snarling as you went

you stayed up there for the rest of the day and when dinner came around Leo had to tackle Mikey to the ground to stop him from throwing a paper airplane up into your nest

a wise choice

Splinter was the one who informed you that it was time to eat

Another wise choice

Personally, Leo's never seen anyone eat fettuccine with the afterthought of murdering god but damn if you didn't look like you were considering it

Your jaw was clenched so tight that he feared you'd break your teeth

He felt bad of course, how couldn't he? But he also knew from experience that it was best to leave you be until you came down from your anger

Raphael

Now, Raph is no stranger when it comes to anger or rage, especially the silent type

He likes to think he knows it better than anyone

But holy shit- he never expected it from you

You were always kind and sweet and every other synonym for those words under the rainbow

In fact, Raph had gone so far as to assume that you didn't have a mean bone in your body

That turned out to be lie

The argument was something dumb, it had to be, but it quickly escalated. Much faster than he thought it could

And he made the mistake of running his mouth

"Oh yeah? And what could you ever get outta being with a freak like me, huh?!"

Big mistake

He actively watched your face darken and your lip curl into a snarl

"You need to stop using your appearance to win arguments."

And then he had to watch as you turned your back on him and simply walked away

You were silent at dinner, only speaking when you needed the salt or something else

You declined all offers to be walked home and left by yourself

They could all tell by your stature and your tense jaw that caused the veins in your neck to bulge that you were beyond pissed

Despite that Raph still received your text informing him that you made it home safe

But that was all

Two days went by before he showed up at your apartment to apologize

You'd never been one to hold a grudge against anyone

Especially not your boyfriend

You accepted his apology and he hasn't crossed that line since

Donatello

From the day he met you, Donnie knew you were different

Your social anxiety and self esteem overlapped in some of the worst possible ways

But damn if you weren't an absolute sweetheart around everyone else

You defended your friends better than Fort Knox security and that was a fact

So in truth he really shouldn't have been surprised by your outburst

But in his defense he'd only ever seen you react verbally, yelling, threatening, the works

When they were all returning from a scouting routine that night the last thing Donnie wanted to listen to was Leo's lecture

Donnie had gotten in a little too far and banged himself up, bleeding from a few cuts and scrapes but nothing major

And none of them had realized that you were there

So when Leo went in for an attack on Donnie's intelligence and worth you'd done the only reasonable thing you could think of

The glass bottle shattered on the wall next to Leo's head and sent them all ducking and covering their faces

You stood opposite of them, murder dancing in your eyes like a ballerina

You pinned Leo with your gaze and held him there for a painfully long minute

Then you were taking Donnie's hand and pulling him to the needle room

You were both silent while you patched him up and he was relieved to know that your anger wasn't directed at him

Your entire body practically melted when he touched your cheek

"You're going to break your teeth if you keep that up."

"Well I've never been one for self preservation now have I?"

Michaelangelo

You and Mikey's personality and mentality were basically identical

You might as well have operated on the same vibrational frequency

He just worked so well with you

If it wasn't for the fact that he clearly wasn't human you could've been twins

It wasn't that you were necessarily angry with him at that moment, but the argument you were having was quickly escalating so you both opted to shut it down before it got any worse

Things usually turned out better when you both went nonverbal

Ended with way less hurt feelings than it could have

But you both found it best to take some time alone during these situations, things were easier to smooth over if you were both calm

The others found this terrifying however

Because silent, angry you was one thing

Silent and angry Mikey was another thing entirely

But fortunately you both typically resolved things rather quickly after giving each other some space

I know the last one is a little off but I kinda ran out of ideas and brain power. The dreaded wall of writer's block has hit me and I think I just made a nest under it and took a nap. But in all honesty this week has really stressed me out so I apologize for the lack of postings. I'm doing my best to get back into it. Thank you all for being patient with me. 🧡

-Mars 🌠

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