when hozier said “never feel too good in crowds, with folks around, when they’re playing the anthems of rape culture loud, crude and proud creatures baying” I felt that. a lot.
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to be alone
Nikolai Lantsov x wife!reader
summary: in the silence of the morning, nikolai is more than content to be alone with you || words: 536 || masterlist
The cool morning air tickles your skin. A warm hand presses against your back. There’s a small slither of light peeking in the gap between the curtains, barely illuminating anything. The dawn hasn’t truly broken. Your husband stirs beside you, rolling onto his side.
His eyes peel open and meet yours, shining through the darkness.
Here, in the silence of the morning, Nikolai did not have to be King. He did not hold the burden of responsibility nor did he handle the consequences of his country. Here, he was simply Nikolai. He was your husband, your lover.
Nikolai loved being King. He helped his people in ways he could not before, in ways no one had before. But he also hated being King. He hated the power it gave him, he hated how it made him separate to everyone else again. All he wanted was to lie in bed with his love by his side, but that could prove impossible.
Sometimes Nikolai would remind himself of the days you first met. The days on the Volkvolny, the peaceful days, brought solace to his turbulent mind. He could remember the rocking of the ship, the sound of waves sloshing against the hull and the echoed laughter in the tight corridors.
Times were simpler then. Nikolai was a second son, free to do as he pleased.
That tranquility was what he felt now, as you pressed gently kisses to his shoulder and held his in your arms. No words needed to be said, enough had been spoken in the past. Touch was enough. Simple touch to say “I’m here.” “You’re not alone.” “I love you.”
The monster inside his did not stir. It did not protest as Nikolai sweetly kisses you back.
When another dignitary would greet you, kiss your hand, the monster inside Nikolai reared its shadowed head. It didn’t want to see another man touch you, even if it was the expectation of foreign Dukes and Princes.
What Nikolai or the monster didn’t know, was that in those moments, you were wishing to be a million miles away. The feel of cracked lips on your hand felt like sandpaper and sent shivers up your spine. You know it’s improper to simply walk away or ignore the men all together so you stay. You make polite conversation and you falsely smile at the jokes you’ve heard a hundred times before.
The thought of running had crossed your mind many a time. The Volkvolny was waiting for her old captain to return. Tolya and Tamar would love to be back sailing the high seas. Nikolai only needs to don the teal coat for the swagger to return to his step and the tension bleed from his stance.
Instead, both of you were stuck playing Ravkan royalty at court, simpering and sticking up to anyone who could give you an advantage in the future.
The bedroom was away from prying eyes. Here, you could tear your itching finery off and throw it into a faraway corner, never to wear again. Here, Nikolai could complain without worrying and pose plans that his advisors would scoff at.
Here, the King and Queen were simply people.
Oh, to be alone with you...
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haven’t listened to hozier since high school but this shit still drives me up the wall
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I don't know why solitude would be a balm for loneliness, but that is how it always was for me in those days,
Marilynne Robinson, from Gilead
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Just watched Hoziers music video for De Selby (Part 2) and noticed the same castle ruins he performed To Be Alone in front of like 8 years ago
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