#to be perfectly honest it's one of the first dreams i've had for myself since my depression set it during my mid teens

[lalacliffthorne]

modern!batboys as (your) roommates - headcanons.

because let's be honest, we have all thought about that at some point.🦇

(this is the introduction of my new drabble universe!!! I can´t tell you how fucking excited I am.)

it would be wrong to say that your life was boring before you met the three idiots you now call your roommates

sure, it wasn't as exciting

but you had your tiny little apartment, went out with friends once in a while and mostly enjoyed having your own space and routines

but then

shit hits the fan

and by shit I mean your landlord

because of a loophole in the rental agreement, he's able to kick you out of your apartment with only a months notice

in other words

you're fucked

or, as your best friend Feyre, who you met the first week of orientation and became inseperable with, says -

"That bastard." Feyre's eyes are stormy.

"What the hell am I gonna to do?" You bury your face in your hands, your voice muffled when you mumble: "How am I supposed to find a new apartment in a few weeks? For this one, I looked over a year, and it's a glorified shoebox!" Your voice rises as you feel a wave of dread crash over you and your heart rising into your throat.

"Hey, it's okay. If worst comes to worst, you can crash at my place,", Feyre raises her brows, "even though we'd have to share my bed, but - I won't just let you sleep on a park bench if that's what you're worried about. Unless you find another glorified shoebox that's technically out of your budget, it's you and me, crashing on my bed, climbing over your stuff to get to the bathroom, finding out what married life would feel like."

even though you love her to death, that really does not sound like an option you want to explore

so you try everything

scouring every paper for apartment advertisments, posting on your uni's socials, going to all the viewings you can find -

nothing

but just when you're ready to just give up

a miracle happens

the miracle is 5'5, has impeccable style and hair, a love for deep red lipstick and drops by for lunch

Mor has been your friend for two years now, since you almost spilled your coffee over her laptop at the library

(she's still not letting you live that down)

she also likes to get you out of your comfort zone

"Are you serious?" Mor stares at you wide-eyed.

"Yep." You tiredly stir your coffee. "I've been turned away for twenty apartments in the past few days alone. I'm aready seeing myself bunking with Feyre. She offered, but her bed barely fits into her apartment as it is."

Mor breathes a giggle before hastily clearing her throat. "Sorry."

You grin weakly before rubbing your face. "I don't know what I'm gonna do. I know it could be even worse, but -"

"It already feels pretty shitty,", Mor ends. You sigh in confirmation and are about to change the topic, because you haven't seen the blonde in weeks and feel bad about ruining your lunch. But before you can open your mouth, Mor suddenly squints in thought. Then she looks at you.

"How much do you value your privacy?

Given the fact you'll be basically homeless on the street in about a week if you don't find a new place - not much.

Mor begins to grin, and there's a bright twinkle in her eyes.

"Well, then I might just have the solution."

the next day, Mor drags you downtown

she takes you to an old but sophisticated building you wouldn't even dream about living in

a single month's rent there would probably empty your whole bank account

but Mor just winks and pulls you up the stairs

on the third floor, a guy leans in an open door

and that

is how you meet Rhys.

Mor's cousin is annoyingly beautiful

tall, with perfectly tousled dark hair, a perfect grin that causes his cheeks to crease and, from the looks of it, the also perfect physique

he's also annoyingly charming

(if you'd met him somewhere without Mor, you would have probably gaped for a moment before catching onto the mischievous twinkle in his nearly violet eyes and promptly avoided him, because someone that pretty had to have some fault)

as it turns out, Rhys' fault is offering practical strangers to live with him without even batting an eye

"What?"

You blink at Mor from where you just sank onto the very comfortable couch, because she can't possibly -

"Okay, before you freak out, just listen, okay?" Mor is grinning giddily. "The guys have a free room they don't really use anyway and you really need a new place - so you could just move in here!" She beams. "The place is definitely big enough, and you'd fit in perfectly, I promise! They're just as chaotic as you, but also very responsible -"

"Mostly." Rhys' eyes are twinkling. He's looking completely and slightly concerningly unbothered by the prospect of you, a factual stranger, moving in with him and his friends.

"- they don't have any bad habits, they're fairly neat -"

"Mostly."

Mor widens her eyes at you. "It's perfect!"

You blink at her.

"I've already talked to my roommates." Rhys' deep voice is almost soothing - mostly because he sounds a lot calmer than Mor, steady and reassuring.

"If you want, this can be temporary, until you find a place just for yourself, but this way you don't have to stress about needing to find a place in a certain time, plus,", he cracks a grin, "I don't like the idea of you having to crash on somebody's couch in the foreseeable future, that's just bullshit if we got a free room here no one uses anway. And if this works,", one corner of his lips quirks even more until his grin is a lot closer to the wicked twinkle in his eyes, "none of us would mind another roommate."

"You don't have to decide right now." Mor smiles brightly. "But I think it would be great, and you'd make a bargain with the rent, because Rhys loves to play sugar daddy -", her cousin flips her off, "and I think this would be a really good idea." She grins, suddenly a little sheepish.

if you weren't so desperate, you would whip out about a dozen arguments about why this probably isn't a good idea

like the fact that rooming with three dudes sounds like a lot of testosteron, or that you don't even know them, and that they don't even know you -

but from the way Rhys lounges in his chair, smirking easily while Mor beams at you, he doesn't seem to see too much of a problem in that

also you are very, very desperate

but there´s still that one thing -

"About those roommates -"

When you hear the door, you raise your head, your heart doing a slightly concerning flip in your chest.

It's a day later, and you just finished a tour of the apartment Rhys has given you. Even though it's huge and very grand with it's high ceilings decorated with stucco and the original hardwood floors, it feels warm and cozy. The room you'd be sleeping in is as big as your whole current apartment, light with two big window and a view of the trees on the street outside.

It kind of makes you wonder where the catch is.

Maybe it's about to walk through the door.

You hear a deep voice and heavy footsteps, then a dude appears in the door to the kitchen.

Your heart does a somersault, and you feel your lips part a bit. Because frankly, it's a miracle he makes it through the door without hitting his head.

The guy's huge. His shoulders and chest strain against his t-shirt; he looks like one of those dudes who basically have muscle in their DNA, all corded muscle under ridiculously huge shoulders and a solid middle, muscular long legs under black jeans -

And you're staring.

Big time.

The dude's looking over his shoulder, which means he thankfully doesn't notice you oggling him. The half of his hair that isn't pulled back in a bun brushes against his neck when he grins, his cheeks creasing. He's really good looking, in a rugged kinda way, with his roughly curved jaw and the scar on the side of his face, and when he looks back ahead, his eyes twinkle warmly.

Then, behind him, another guy appears in the doorway, and your breath catches.

Because if Rhys is annoyingly beautiful, the guy in the door is drop-dead gorgeous.

Just like the other two, he's tall and all lean muscle. His shoulders shift under his black t-shirt as he leans against the doorframe, his hands sliding into the pockets of his black jeans. His eyes look like amber in sunlight, his dark hair is tousled, a strand curving over his forehead. His face is all angles and soft lips, dark brows that look like he likes to crunch them in a scowl, but right now, he looks fairly relaxed, though his gaze is watchful.

And on yours.

Feeling warmth wash into your cheeks, you hastily look away while crap, crap, crap echoes through your head, because of course he caught you staring.

On to a really great start here.

Your gaze grazes his hands and the bit of uneven skin that merges into veiny, tan forearms before your eyes trail over the tattoos peaking out from his sleeves.

There's the sound of someone clearing their throat, and you feel the heat in your cheeks deepen when your eyes dart up and meet Rhys', a twinkle in his iris when he sends you a lazy grin.

"Boys, this is Y/N." He raises a brow. "Our new roommate."

and that is how you meet Cassian and Azriel

it almost makes you reconsider

because you're really not sure you're gonna survive rooming with three guys that pretty

but after thinking it over for a few days, you realize that you really don't have a choice

and so a week later, Rhys and Cassian come over to your apartment to help you move the first half of your stuff

neither blink an eye at the fact it's about the size of a broom closet in comparison to their home

Rhys does however scowl when he sees the condition of the bathroom

you're ready to sink into the floor when you hastily explain pretty much all the apartments in the building look like that

(a lil dingy and moldy)

but when he turns, Rhys just glowers and grumbles under his breath about how he'd like to rip your landlord a new one

it's the first time you realize that under all the aloofness and swagger and cheeky grins, Rhys cares

it's proven again when you move into your new room a week later and there's a new mattress on the also new bed bed

you haven't bought either of them, but when you try to protest, Rhys just huffs about your back probably being fucked up because of your old one and about how he'll add it to your rent

he never does

you get used to rooming with three guys surprisingly quickly

sure, it is pretty much a total 180 -

going from living alone in a tiny apartment

to sharing a huge flat with three dudes who make the place vibrate with laughter and bicker like they have been married for thirty years

but even tho you never thought you'd be the type to actually enjoy having roommates

you find that with them - you don't really mind

of course it is nice to have the place to yourself sometimes

and after about two weeks, you're comfortable enough to blast your music and dance through the kitchen when you're alone

(yes, at some point, they catch you - it takes you about a minute to realize there are three guys standing in the doorway, watching you dance with a broom. you get a mild heart attack and Cassian and Rhys start cackling while Azriel smirks)

but even if usually there's always someone around -

you find that all three of them are very good at both respecting your boundaries and leaving you be when you need to curl up in your room

but also seem to know when you need someone to drag your ass out into the world

and something about knowing at least one of them will probably be there when you get home makes you feel very warm and fuzzy

and even tho you weren't completely sure about this situation in the beginning

you get roped into living with the three guys instead of just rooming with them

it really starts with Cassian

probably gets used to you living there the quickest

after barely a week, he's treating you like you've lived with them since the beginning

like just sticking his head into your room and roping you into helping him with dinner

it surprises you a little that they all have dinner together

(from what you've heard from friends who have roommates, they usually all do their own thing most of the time)

but it makes you realise that these guys are more family than just roommates

Cassian is surprisingly easy to talk to

he's quick with the quips and the banter

also very flirtatious

constantly makes you laugh, his deep, boisterous chuckles infectous

also super affectionate

you're convinced that the man is actually just a huge teddybear

after just a few weeks, you're used to hugs that lift you off your feet, cheek kisses as greetings and being casually lifted out of the way like you don't weigh anything

not that you're the only one who gets that treatment

no, there are hugs in greeting that make Rhys groan dramatically like his air supply is cut off

pats on the shoulder and smacking forehead kisses that make Azriel crinkle his nose

Cassian quickly becomes the one you go to when you need advice.

he always listens attentively

doesn't sugarcoat things

stays objective while never making you feel bad or less about anything

and it quickly becomes pretty clear he'd put everything aside if any of you ever need help

gives you rides in his beat up truck to uni

always picks you up when studying at the library gets late bc he doesn't like the idea of you out alone after dark

with Cass, even mundane things like grocery shopping become fun

he's just casually funny and teases the shit out of you at every opportunity

has no understanding of the concept of personal space

and with most people, that would kinda put you off a little in the beginning

but Cassian just has something about him

something so inheritly good and warm and sunny

that he never once makes you feel uncomfortable

if anything, with him around, you feel a lot more at ease

and not just bc it's always nice to have a guy in your back that towers over you like a lighthouse

though the whole massive, tatted dude with the dark eyes thing kinda goes out of the window as soon as he grins at you

dimples and all

but don't be fooled

when the grin's gone and he's glaring, you know why people make way for him immediately

works at a gym to earn some money at the side

once, he takes you with him just for fun

then one time becomes another and before you know it, you tag along twice a week

it would be wrong to say it's not doing something to you when he crouches in front of you, his deep voice rumbling as he mumbles encouragements

"Alright, come on, sweetheart, gimme one more."

Trying not to make a very embarassing groaning sound, you crunch your face in concentration and slowly lower yourself into a squat, your muscles trembling slightly.

"There you go, that's it." You can feel Cassian in your back, spotting you, his deep voice rumbling through you, and it's just almost distracing enough for you to -

"No, no, come on, you can do it." Cassian's deep chuckle sets you at ease, and he lightly pats the side of your thigh. "You got this, c'mon."

With a soft groan, you push yourself up again, and you can hear the triumph and wide grin in Cassian's voice when he goes: "Yeeessss, good job, baby. C'mon, you can do one more."

Blowing out a heavy breath and glaring at nothing in particular, you ready yourself.

when one day, he makes you lose focus, you're gonna throw something at him

you're pretty sure he does it on purpose just to see how red you can get

but Cass is really good at pushing you without overdoing it, always teasing and encouraging

and if you manage to do something, in the gym or otherwise, he grins so widely you're almost sure he's more proud of you than you are yourself

Rhys is a flirt.

and after you get over the first initial blush that just won't leave you alone for the first few weeks

it actually becomes entertaining

now bantering back and forth is basically all you do

it gets so bad, Azriel constantly rolls his eyes at the two you

but just like you suspected, behind all the flirtiness and mischievous grins

Rhys cares

a lot

whenever you´re upset, he looks like he's contemplating ripping apart whatever or whoever made you upset

and whenever someone has a go at Cass or Azriel, Rhys picks them apart with lethal precision and a wicked smile

if Cassian is most affectionate, Rhys is close second

he's slightly more casual about it

pinching your nose, flicking your ear softly, offering his cheek for a kiss in greeting

always down for amazing hugs tho

whenever you get on your period, Rhys turns full mother hen

it's actually quite entertaining to see a 6-foot-something dude grumble because you don't want to take painkillers

"I just don't like to take them until it's really necessary, okay?" You glower at Rhys, curling up on the couch and trying to suppress a wince.

Rhys incredulously narrows his eyes.

"You're bleeding from your uterus and look like you want to curl into the couch. I'd say it is pretty necessary."

behind all the snark and arrogance, Rhys cares

also seems to have a rather unhealthy tendency to put everyone else first

you catch on pretty easily that even though his father is absolutely loaded, Rhys doesn't particularly cares about his money

in fact

he doesn't hesitate to spend whatever money his father pumps into his bank accounts for a second

when you ask Mor about it, she just smiles lopsidedly.

"I think it's his kind of protest?" She squints into the sun shining onto the balcony of the flat, the big glass of iced tea in her hand glittering in the light. "You know, spending all that money, preferably on his friends? Mostly because I don't think his father really likes them."

You wince.

"He knows he can't win against his father." Mor crunches her brows in thought. "I think he came to terms with having to take over the business one day, and he cares about the people who have their jobs there, so he won't let them down. It's just hard sometimes, if your whole life is already planned for you." She shrugs gently. "Doing this, living with Cassian and Azriel and now you, spending his fathers money on it and actually having a good time than just being bitter and stuck up - it's his way of not surrendering completely."

you have never met Rhys' father, but even tho he's powerful af

you really feel a strong desire to kick him in the balls

Rhys has a knack of knowing exactly when you need to talk and when you need to be distracted

it's not unusual that after a bad day, he just joins you on the couch, plopping down and pulling your feet onto his lap

it either leads to you venting and him listening

usually giving very appropriate responses of either huffs, scowls or downright glowering

or, if you don't want to talk

he either lets you use him as a human pillow, grumbling over your choice of movie while scratching your head

or he takes you out

to the cinema, a museum, the theater

you're pretty sure you've grown a lot more cultured in a few months than the whole of your life before that

it never gets boring tho

the whole thing kinda annoys the crap out of you in the beginning bc he never lets you pay for anything

but you get better at finding ways to pay him back in other ways

like taking over making dinner on days when he's exhausted

coaxing rants out of him when his father gets to him

dragging him out on nightly walks through the city when he can't sleep

and after a while

you understand that it's just one of Rhys' love languages

and it is fun to spend his father's money ;)

especially when it means museum saturdays with the two of you just sitting and staring at paintings

or going to the cinema and pigging out on popcorn and greasy stuff while whisper hissing facts at each other

even takes you to stuff like wine tastings

Rhys is a foodie

likes super fancy pickles, trying food you can't even pronounce and splurging on dinner

and if he decides the two of you need to get out of the apartment

one way or another

it usually ends in a restaurant

always orders like half the menu

also cooks the best out of all of you

like I'm talking freaking perfection

whips up the fanciest, most delicious far-too-many-courses meal for holidays

and goes all in even if he just makes dinner

you often get lured into the kitchen by the delicious smells

usually ends up with you on the couch at the table while Rhys moves around the kitchen

talking about everything and nothing

(also not above slapping anyone's hand away if they try to sneak a taste)

Azriel is quiet

not shy; you catch onto that pretty quickly

he's too quick and easy on any dry remark in response to his friends' boisterous teasing for that

and his gaze too firm and piercing

rarely shies away when you catch his gaze

in the beginning

that intimidated the shit out of you

the way he appears without a sound, towering over you, all dark and quiet and brooding

it's like he perfected the art of going unnoticed

tho you're not quite sure how

bc how could anyone not notice him?

after a while tho

you realise that even tho Azriel is dark and glowering and brooding

there's something gentle about him

it surfaces in the smallest things

like how his lips curve the softest bit when you grin up at him

how light and careful his touch is

how he is always respectful, putting himself between you and the street, holding doors open without ever seeming to think twice about it

and how everything about him seems to darken when he witnesses anyone being treated poorly

but even if anger rages within him like a rising tide, quiet and dangerous

you still always feel safe with him

maybe it's bc, even in those moments, you just know it will never be directed at you

and that even tho there's always that darkness within him, it's never something that feels unsettling or dangerous

and instead soft and welcoming

like something about him and that steady, dark gaze just calms you

maybe because he's so quiet, Azriel seems to see and hear everything

in record time, he begins to catch onto every little detail about you

mundane things

like how you like your favorite drink or what your favorite ice cream is

the only reason you know he notices is because he begins to hand you cups in the morning that are exactly right and the freezer starts to always hold a big container of your favorite ice cream

but also seems to know exactly what your tell is when you're nervous

uncomfortable

or tired

what makes you upset

happy

nervous

what causes you to giggle uncontrollably

and so on

it should probably unsettle you, how easily he sees through you

but it doesn't

sure, it's a bit weird at first

but you quickly realise it's strangely comforting - that someone pays enough attention to know even the smallest thing about you

is your favorite person to be around when you just need a break

it's like something about him is grounding, steady to you

like being around him makes your thoughts calm down

makes it easier for you to sort the chaos your mind sometimes becomes

beneath all of the quiet watchfulness lies a wicked, dry sense of humor

his mumbled remarks make you snort laughter or beam widely up at him

always makes his lips curve

reads a ton

when you first see his room, you almost gape

because the guy has books

they fill the shelves

balance in towers on the floor

sit on the window sill and next to his bed

most of the books in the shelves in the living room are his as well

has a great dislike for movie adaptions

sits there with that scowl of his, glaring at you until it's over when you make him watch one

says it destroys the pictures in his head

(to be fair

you don't think he's entirely wrong about that)

always has a camera in reach

got a few, all older ones; no fancy digital ones, but all on film

just like he seems to catch onto everything

so does his camera

it's like the manifestation of his quiet perception of things

to fix things onto film

captures everything

most of the time, you don't even notice

only sometimes you raise your head to find the camera in his hands, a slight curve to his lips

develops all pictures himself, in a dark room on campus students can book

spends hours in there, just working in silence

there's usually a lot of bugging involved before he shows the developed pictures to anyone

usually ends in all of you leaning over them eagerly, trying to figure out when he took them

Rhys standing in the kitchen, grinning over his shoulder like Cassian just made a bad joke

you and Feyre, laughing so hard you lean into each other

Mor, lying upside down on the couch while focusing on the cards in her hand while you're next to her, mid-motion, a focused expression on your face

Cassian napping on the couch, twisted in a very uncomfortable position to fit all six feet something of him onto the cushions

there seems to be an endless number, and they're all carefully stored away in his shelves

some, he refuses to show to anyone

it takes you so little time to feel at home in the huge flat, the prospect of looking for an apartment for yourself is off the table before you can actually start

and it doesn't take long until you're part of the routines like you'd been there since the beginning

Saturday and Sunday evenings are for movie nights

sometimes, Mor joins you

you sit with Azriel on the couch, sharing a big bowl of popcorn while staring at Rhys and Cassian argue about which Star Wars movie to start with

in the summer, you take trips to the lake for swims

have game nights

and evenings sitting on the balcony, squinting into the setting sun

barbecues

afternoons in the park, one joining in after the other

in winter, you go to the ice rink

bake together

and spend whole weekends on the couch, watching movies

you go to the gym with Cassian or accompany him on his runs

(well, he's running - you're on your bicycle, because there's no way you can keep up with that dude´s long legs)

get dragged out onto hikes by Rhys

in the evenings, you usually all end up in the kitchen for dinner, banter thrown over the dinner table

Azriel and you mostly take care of the grocery shopping together

it usually entails you trying to reach something on a high shelf and Azriel huffing, moving to grab it without even having to stretch

sometimes Cassian joins in, and you both make it your mission to annoy Azriel until he laughs

both Az and Rhys regularly give you rides on their motorcycles

while Cassian likes to stick to his old, beat up truck, Rhys has a car as well, but alternates between it and the motorcycle

more often than not, he uses it as opportunity to flirt

small cleaning duties in the apartment are rotated between the four of you

but big-once-a-month-deep-cleans are something you make a day of

blasting music, you divide the flat and get to work

(bathroom duty is rotated)

in the (very rare) case of an argument, it usually ends in one of you being mediator

which means after a cooling off period

the arguing parties are locked in the pantry until they've talked things out

works surprisingly well

sometimes, the boys bring someone home

it usually comes with a text

or the very oldschool sock on the door

tho you ban that one after Cassian forgets it

and you walk into the flat unsuspectingly only to be flashed

Cassian apologizes profoundly

after he's done laughing

there are also a few awkward encounters in the hall in the morning that leave you contemplating not running around in just big t-shirts

Feyre still gives you rides to campus and back

but sometimes, it's Azriel waiting in the parking lot instead, leaned against his motorcycle, two helmets next to him

it does not help with the way your heart seems to speed up whenever you find his amber eyes on you.

but you're very adamant on pushing that away

it's probably not that serious anyway.

so

it would be wrong to say your life was boring before you met the three idiots you now call your roomates

but it sure as hell is a lot better now that you have

even if they do drive you a little nuts sometimes

@azrielshadows1nger @waytoomanyteenagefeels

#azriel #rhys #rhysand #cassian #acotar x reader #acotar #acowar #acomaf #az x reader #az imagine #az/reader #azriel imagine #azriel x female!reader #azriel x reader #acotar headcanon #rhysand imagine #rhys imagine #cassian imagine #modern!roommate batboys series #modern au #lalacliffthorne

[mr2swap]

what was his name? Tinder?

I have to admit that I was absolutely wrong, life as a man is the best thing that could have happened to me! when my son Jackson went to college and the house was completely alone I got depressed, my husband had died years ago and my son was always the only thing I had in this world, maybe I suffocated him with all my love and affection because in When he came of age he left home, rented an apartment near his university with the money his father left us and left me.

My heart was broken and I was alone, I still remember the last thing I said before my new life began "how I would like to spend a little more time with my beloved son" maybe someone was listening to my words because the next morning my wish was fulfilled.

The strong and stinky smell of men's sweat woke me up in the morning, the sound of the radio playing sports and my son's voice “Dude, get up! We are going to be late for the gym” I was no longer in my old house, now I was in the apartment that my son and his friends entered outside the university. but the most surprising thing is that she was no longer a 50-year-old woman.

Right now I was in the body of one of his housemates my new name was Oliver, the stinky smell coming from my armpits made me realize I wasn't dreaming. I jumped to my feet, my heart was beating like crazy and adrenaline and hormones like this were now flowing through me. -dude! good dick!-

said my son smiling and pointing to my crotch, this guy used to sleep completely naked, now I was having my first-morning erection, my face turned totally red with embarrassment and I went straight to the nearest door to hide, luckily I had found the bathroom I slowly approached the mirror to look at my new body, I didn't recognize myself, the only thing I know is that I had become a young man, one of my son's companions.

I ran my calloused hands over my new body, it was soft but my muscles were hard and chiseled, never in my life had I seen a man as attractive as the one I had become. I had never seen my face in the mirror before and yet it was love at first sight, my teeth were perfectly white and I no longer had any wrinkles in my eyes now my skin was smooth soft and tanned, honestly I was the hottest man I had ever seen view.

- seriously friend stop playing with your cock in there and let's go to the gym! I don't want to be late for class- my son knocked on the door to encourage me to get out of the bathroom, he had become rude since he left our house, I searched the bathroom for something to wear and the only thing I found was old and stinky clothes that it was in a laundry basket, that would have to do.

I felt uncomfortable wearing another man's dirty and smelly clothes but there was nothing else and it's not like it wasn't my own sweat I came out of the bathroom with the dirty clothes and my son immediately took my arm to drag me with him to the bathroom. gym with him.

The gym was really Cooool! It was great to put these huge strong arms to work, I've never felt so alive I finally understand guys and their obsession with the gym, looking at myself in the mirror while lifting weights made me totally horny, I just hope my huge arms distracted to all of what also rose between my legs. my muscles tense, warm and damp from the stinking, sticky sweat of this body.

-Dude, how many times have we told you to use deodorant? you suck so much every time you raise your arms I can smell you from the weight bench!-my son had never been so honest with me, but he was right. I raised one of my arms and smelled my own stinky sweat from my steamy armpit, somehow that made me feel hotter than before, maybe it was because of all the pheromones this body had, but that encouraged me to continue exercising, this time I did some cardio on the treadmill and my legs never moved so fast.

As soon as I changed devices my son followed me and we started talking, all the tensions and thoughts of being in a body of an unknown man dissolved while I was talking to him. having that “Gym Bro” relationship with my own son joking and talking as best friends was a revelation, we talked about girls, sports we even talked a little about my well his mother, he needs his space and maybe as a mother, I can't understand it but as "Oliver" I can see my son again.

On top of that, there are a lot of advantages now that I am a man, I can eat as much as I want and not have to worry about calories now with my new young metabolism! and it doesn't matter as much because he burned off all that delicious fat in a 2-hour session at the gym. I have been eating like there is no tomorrow since I got into this body and I haven't gained a single pound! Dude men have it very easy!

When I was an old woman I never understood the passion that my son and the boys his age put into video games, now I can't stop playing them with my son I have never felt so close before since I have the body of one of my his friends!

I even think that this young brain full of hormones is affecting my mind a little because now I think I like girls, I have not stopped having wet dreams where I put my huge cock in their hot and wet pussies and I could not stop masturbating 3 times a day since I'm this guy and I must say that jerking off like a man is really cool! much easier than my old body.

Maybe it's time I got that app on my phone that my son told me about, what was his name? Tinder? Damn, I got horny again...

I had previously published a preview of this story here on Tumblr and my Patreon subscribers have been able to read it in its entirety for a few months, if you like this story and want to see more of my stories you can take a look at my Patreon page, I have a lot of great stories!

#bodyswap #body swap #male body swap #body switch

[stargazer-sims]

15 OC Questions!

I was tagged so many times for this, and I love it! This one is for @bl-sims-anime - thank you!

Yuri Okamoto-Nelson

Are you named after anyone?

No, I'm not named after anyone.

When was the last time you cried?

Not that long ago, actually. It's unusual for me, because I'm not generally prone to crying, but I've been very ill recently and I was in a lot of pain. I don't remember exactly when I might've been crying, or how often. The last week or so has passed in somewhat of a haze for me, but I do recall that I cried more than once during that time.

Do you have kids?

I don't actually like children. They're messy and demanding and selfish. Victor and I don't have any, and we're not planning to. If I'm being perfectly honest, I don't really want to share his affection with anyone, and I don't think he wants to share mine, either.

Do you use sarcasm?

Hmm... sometimes, yes. Victor would probably say I use it more often than I think I do.

What’s the first thing you notice about people?

I realize how awful this is going to sound, but the first thing I notice about people is how they present themselves; how they're dressed, how their hair is styled... things like that. I've learned not to make snap judgments about people's personality and character based on their appearance, but even so, I can't stop noticing.

What’s your eye colour?

My eyes are dark brown.

Scary movies or happy endings?

Happy endings, please! I don't like anything scary or violent. My favourite films are historical dramas, with bonus points for romance and beautiful outfits. The endings don't even have to be happy, necessarily, just as long as it's not tragedy, mayhem and carnage. Victor doesn't really like historical romances, but I think he watches them with me as an excuse to cuddle, and I'm certainly not complaining. My happy place is lying in his arms and enjoying some sweeping historical tale of romance and intrigue.

Any special talents?

I don't think I have any talents that are particularly special. I'm painfully average.

Where were you born?

Mt. Komorebi.

What are your hobbies?

Probably the one I'm most noted for is playing the violin. I love music, and I've been obsessed with the violin ever since I was a young child and would watch and listen as my mother played. Mama taught me a few things, but I officially started violin lessons when I was five, and I think I was sold on it for life, almost immediately. My other hobbies include playing video games, reading, and writing.

Have you any pets?

Yes. Victor and I have two dogs. We have a Pomeranian named Sango and a chihuahua called Rosie.

What sports do you play/have played?

My favourite sport is snowboarding. I also like to ski, and Victor has taught me how to swim, which I also really enjoy. Back in the summer, when I was feeling much better than I currently do, Victor and I decided to try rock climbing, which I liked but can't imagine myself having the stamina to do seriously. I'm not certain if yoga qualifies as a sport, but I like doing that Oh... and Victor has created a low-impact exercise routine for me that I can do even when I'm not feeling one hundred percent, so we can work out together.

How tall are you?

165cm

Favourite subject in school?

My favourite subjects were Language Studies and Communications.

Dream job?

This is a difficult one. I've never really had a dream anything until recently. Before I met Victor, I think the only real dream I had was to find someone who'd love me unconditionally and help me out of the slump of depression and lack of self-worth that I was living in. I didn't really think about education beyond high school, or having a dream career, or a dream destination or anything like that. All I was focusing on was survival, physically, mentally and emotionally.

It's only been very recently that I've started thinking about my future and the goals I might like to set for myself. At the moment, I work for a PR and communications firm, FutureBright Communications. I really like my job and I'm good at it. I've been given more and more responsibility since I started, and I've gotten some important clients lately. I think I'd like to stay working in communications, and perhaps start my own little firm some day.

______

I'm not going to tag anyone this time, as I've tagged numerous people already and I can't recall who. Anyone who sees this and wants to do one, feel free! You can even say I tagged you. =)

#sapphire answers #oc asks #Yuri Okamoto #stargazersims

[aickerman-s]

Hello again👋

Hey all, long time no see.

For those who uhhhhh still remember me lol, I wanted to write a little update post on where I've been/why I disappeared etc.

So, I've probably not logged on to tumblr for about a year and there's many reasons for that. I've been debating whether or not to explain them at all for a while now, but I think I wanted to just get it out there and be open about stuff for a bit. This blog, and this community has meant a lot to me over the years, and the support I got from it all in my writing is more important to me than y'all know.

Basically, there's a (very!) good/positive reason that I've been away, and also a not-so-good one. Details below:

First, the good reason! The very good exciting awesome amazing reason: I got my dream writing job! I had the amazing opportunity to work as a video game writer on a project I'm so proud of and so incredibly grateful to have been a part of. Understandably, I was quite busy with that for the better part of 2023! The game is out now, and if anyone would like the link/to learn more about it please feel free to send me a dm! (Like, please, I'd love to brag about it!) Not going to post the link publically simply because I've always preferred to keep my blog free of irl/professional details, etc.

Some of you may remember I was briefly part of another game project a few years ago as lead writer, which fell through. Ever since I've been trying to get my first published credit, and now I have it <3 I'm a professional writer!!! 🥳 I'm very proud of the work we did, and I hope some of y'all will try it out!

But if working two jobs for most of the year wasn't enough, there's been something else that's kept me in a strange place this year - the not-so-good reason I've been quiet. This one is a bit more personal, and something I didn't want to reveal until now: content warning here, for both physical and mental health discussion.

Nearly two years ago now, I developed some rather debilitating symptoms of an unknown medical condition. While I've had chronic pain from another condition for most my life, the symptoms this new condition left me with were, quite frankly, terrifying. And terrifyingly, they appeared pretty much overnight. While I don't want to get into all the details, I've had to change and adapt a lot of things in my life to try and come to terms with this new normal - because sadly, these symptoms have not went away.

For the first 10/11 months or so of this condition, I was pretty much brute forcing my way through it - trying to tough my way through life as normal as if everything wasn't suddenly so much harder than it already was. About a year ago, I reached a breaking point. I had been hoping that all of this was just temporary, and was beginning to see that it wasn't.

While I had started the incredibly long and draining process of tests, hospital and doctor's appointments to try and investigate my condition, I realised at the start of 2023 that I had also become scarily depressed. I've struggled with and overcome depression before in my life, but this felt like so much uncharted territory. To be perfectly honest, I've always been proud of my own willpower and determination when dealing with depression in the past, but this year was the closest I've ever felt to truly giving up.

...And that's scary to admit - to myself, let alone anyone reading this! But admitting it pushed me into seeking the extra support I needed (therapy) throughout this journey. And a journey it is - while I'm much better mentally than I was in January, and I'm now on some medication to help alleviate the worst symptoms of my condition, my diagnosis is still a ways off. In the meantime, I've been coming to terms with the changes I've needed to make in my life, and the ones still to come.

It's been a lot, this year, trying to juggle a new disability and a new dream job - on top of the old job, poor mental health, and the complexity of coming to terms with the word 'disability'. There were times throughout the year when I wanted to open up tumblr and just browse through some rivamika internet goodness.

But I couldn't. My perfectionism and imposter syndrome and all these other factors led to me putting quite a lot of pressure on myself - every time I thought about tumblr I thought "I can't log on, I don't have any new chapters to post; I haven't responded to people's messages; it's already been way too long since I've updated; I'm such a terrible fanfic writer I've been inconsistent for years; I'm not allowed to log on unless I update a fic, and even then I'll have to apologise for being so late-".

So, I didn't. In all the weirdness I managed to convince myself that I would come back to... I don't know, interrogations or something 😂 It sounds quite silly now that I type it out. But I'm in a better place now, and I'm hoping I can get back to the no-pressure fun of writing fics soon.

As for my fanfics, would you believe me anymore if I said I still plan to finish them? 😂 I've even had drafts of the next chapters of both A Man, in a Bar and Fear and Fidelity sitting here for ages, but I'd managed to convince myself they weren't good enough to post. I've been thinking about them a lot lately, which is a good sign I think. I've been itching to write Levi and Mikasa again. So while I won't make any promises or such about updates/schedules or whatever, I just wanted to let it be known that I still want to continue these stories. (If I, and the readers, can even remember what happened in them😅). I might even take some prompts soon to get back into the swing of things!

But yeah... that's my update! It's probably the most personal I've ever gotten on this blog, and I hope that's okay. I felt like I needed it - to clear the air, of sorts. I sincerely hope everyone in this lil' community has been doing well, and is having a safe and happy holiday season. Thanks for reading, if you've managed to get through this big personal post! I love and appreciate everyone I've interacted with through this blog, and hope to get back into it again <3

#personal #long post #cw: health #cw: mental health #hope this explains my abscence and infequency #apologies to anyone I might have totally ghosted over the last year or so #😅

[thisselflovecamebacktome]

I think the fact that songs like Don't Blame Me, Wildest Dreams and Enchanted became Tik Tok hits + the released rerecords in recent years is part of what made the setlist "odd". She had these old songs that people, specifically casually fans, had recently (re-)discovered, which meant focusing on only the newly released material, as she usually did, would leave out actual recent hits.

I'm sorry this is a bit of a rant, but I just cannot agree with this at all.

"Focusing on new material would leave out actual recent hits"? Outside of ME! and arguably I Bet You Think About Me, what massive hits since her last tour did we miss with less time of the setlist attributed to those albums than arguably otherwise would have been? So with more time being allocated to it like usually happens (though I would argue that outside of the 1989 tour [which was very deliberately nearly only 1989] all of Taylor's concerts have had a good balance of old and new). Like idk I guess you could arguably say that had she not done it this way, she wouldn't have done 3 hours worth and some may get cut from that, but that's making assumptions and even before we knew the setlist, most of us were guessing that it'd be her longest setlist and would range from 2.5 - 3 hours so I can't get on board that actual hits would be missed out. If anything, I think deep cuts would have been.

I also disagree completely that the tiktok/rerecorded hits made it weird because all of them were either fan faves (DBM, Enchanted, ATW), a good enough representation of their album that she almost named it that so works perfectly on the setlist (Enchanted) and/or singles that likely would have made the setlist either way (Wildest Dreams and now ATW). Like all of these songs work well in the setlist. And my hot take in general within this fandom is that I don't think it's a bad thing if she makes tour setlists for the locals. Every artist has to to some degree and I love most her singles lmao.

In my honest opinion, what makes it weird is that there's so many songs, a big chunk of it is half songs without there being any mashups. Like Taylor showed us in the Reputation tour that she can easily execute medleys (style/love story/ybwm) and I just don't really understand why she didn't do that if she was going to do half songs and wanted to get in as many songs as she could anyway? And tbh? Ultimately I feel like the amount of songs/it being half songs is only weird because Taylor doesn't usually do it so we're not used to it. So that's not even the issue I have.

The aspect that my brain can't get past is the deliberate era sections and callout at the start of the show on having each and every era just to not have one era and barely have another era. Like had she not put that emphasis on it, I wouldn't have even expected a debut song and would have only expected Enchanted like we got, and I've been saying that for months. So like yes, I am specifically a little sad that Tim McGraw itself was cut out (because I feel like it's perfect to have on the setlist of the ERAS tour celebrating her career as her first song. Also selfishly I haven't heard it live before so was hoping to), but like I said, it's more about the cognitive dissonance of the focus being each era just to like not be.

Also, and I'm not saying that you've done this anon, just in general, I resent that people are implying that myself or anyone else who wasn't 100% over the moon about the setlist came into it with unrealistic expectations. Like I have been the one sitting here since Folklore came out saying that the next tour was going to be for the casual fans. I have sat here having accusations thrown at me for years that I didn't think Taylor loved her fans because I thought her playing Long Live nightly was a pipedream on tour while everyone around me thought it was a sure in. My tour prediction setlist was 95% hits/casual fans faves and/or Midnights tracks with a few stan faves thrown in. I am the last person anyone had to convince that debut wasn't going to get the spotlight. But I don't think it was unrealistic to take her cues of saying that each era being represented and that it was going to be a show about her whole career, not 2018 - now like we expected, and think that that was going to be the case and be a little disheartened when it wasn't. Like (from what I've seen) nobody is saying that they'll be upset forever and this has ruined the tour for them, we're all just a little confused and sad.

Anyway as I've said for the last day now, I am still sure that it probably feels better (less rushed/more intimate) in person and I am still excited for my show, but the livestreams don't reflect that for me personally. Like it just doesn't feel like there's much room to breathe, which I understand is less of an issue in the moment when you're full of adrenaline. So I will get over that, I just need time to process and readjust my expectations. Thankfully for me I won't be attending until the Sydney show so have plenty of time for that. In the meantime I'm also going to be so thrilled about the piano surprise songs because I have been begging for this for a decade! :)

#taylor swift #eras tour #making it clear that just because i ranted doesn't mean i'm upset with you or anyone else. these are just my honest thoughts on the tour

[obi-wkenobi]

🔁 💘🤩 ✨ 💯 for the fic rec ask game (omg I chose 5... It's just that I started recently reading obikin so I'm craving as many good fics as possible and I'd love your recs)

You can only answer to one if it's too many, thank you in advance! Hope you have an amazing day 💙

Hi, anon! Welcome to the fandom.🥰 I absolutely do not mind answering all five because who doesn't love gushing about all the incredible fics in this fandom??

🔁 A fic you’ve re-read several times:

I've reread all the fics I recommend, but lately I've reread 'everything that you want me to' by ohdearest all the time, like every few days. For me, this fic perfectly encapsulates how I believe Anakin wants to be loved and taken care of, and why Obi-Wan is the perfect person to do that. The prose is beautiful and the tension and intimacy that the author was able to create in only 1.2k is amazing.

💘 A fic you couldn't stop reading once you started:

'Home' by skyl_tales. I'm not usually one for time travel fics, but as soon as I saw the tag 'accidental sugar daddy Obi-Wan' I knew I had to give it a read, and as soon as I started I couldn't stop. I love it when authors are brave enough to challenge the stereotype of Obi-Wan as a perfect Jedi and show that he is flawed just like everyone else. I hadn't yet read an Obikin story with a plot quite like this, nor have I since, and I'm so glad that I gave it a go. Brilliant writing with interesting character arcs!

🤩 A fic that made you SLAM that “subscribe” button:

'Untouchable' by Blu3sc0rpion. On my first read through of the Obikin tag I gave this fic a miss because the tags are a bit darker than what I usually read, but on my second go through and when I really wanted to read something new I decided to give it a go. THANK THE FORCE. It has since become one of my favourite Obikin fics ever and I subscribed to it immediately. Sadly it hasn't been updated in a while, but I don't care because what we already have is impeccable. This fic is angst and heartbreak and sob into your pillow pain, whilst also being tender and intimate and so very, very hot. Do you want to read about an obsessive love that you can see is destroying our dear boys but you can't look away because it's somehow so good?! Do you want to see them snarl at each other, have some of the honest to god hottest smut that I've ever read and then share a shatteringly intimate moment just minutes later? Read this fic (but please also check out the tags beforehand because there is some very hard stuff to read here).

✨ A fic you wish you could read again for the first time:

I've already answered this here, but I'm definitely going to recommend something else! 'Walking the fine line' by cupiscent. There is a subdued tension throughout this fic that I have never seen captured elsewhere, as if one were to dig too deep, press too hard, then something will explode and overwhelm both the readers and the characters. I love that the author doesn't explicitly state anything sexual and they let the reader fill in the blanks; it contributes to the amazing atmosphere. It is so sensual and I could only dream of one day writing like this. Every time I reread this fic I'm in awe over how well the author understands these characters and how they are able to say so much about them without explicitly stating every single thought. It is subtle and nuanced and interweaved with the most beautiful prose. Gods, I'm going to have to go and reread it again.

💯 A fic that makes you think #writergoals:

Literally anything written by @treescape. I like my Obikin in a certain dynamic, but Trees is one of the handful of writers where I will read any Obikin fic they post, no matter the dynamic. Trees' prose is incomparable, it's beautiful and accomplished, and I'm always in awe over how they can create such incredible tension in shorter fics. Whenever I'm writing and I go off on an introspective tangent, I'll always reread one of Trees' work to remind myself that sometimes saying less really is saying more. I can't pick one fic, so here are three (including a series) that I adore: 'hands on,' 'to touch the light, darkest,' and 'full and want.'

From this ask game. 💙

#looking at all these incredible fics #i love them all so much 🥺 #obikin #fic recs #obi wan kenobi #anakin skywalker #spicy #ask games

[dzpenumbra]

2/28/23

It's much earlier than I normally write. I'm absolutely wiped today. But it's been a big day, full of big accomplishments.

I didn't sleep well, I had very difficult dreams. This is pretty run-of-the-mill now. I'm really hoping that will change soon.

I've been doing this thing on the dating apps that I rarely look at because I just... don't get any connections at all... and it's really depressing... where I will pull up the profile of someone that I'm somewhat interested in, and then I'll just put down my phone for a while, tab out of the app, etc. Then later, I'll look at it and see if I still feel the same way.

I have a very serious problem with seeing the best in people. I'm sure a lot of people might scoff at that as a "humble brag" or some shit, but it's destroyed my entire life, and anyone who would mock that really doesn't know how dangerous it is to compulsively overlook serious transgressions. I mean, to be honest, oddly enough... those people are also the same people who look at someone in an abusive relationship and go "why don't they just leave?" I have straight-up witnessed this myself many times. It's... I mean it's just a lack of education, I can't really hate on it. It's just a general lack of education about mental health and the human psyche at a systemic level. Just... please be cautious, everyone, not to let that lack of understanding turn into... mocking, or shaming. It's perfectly fine to genuinely ask someone "why don't you just leave an abusive relationship?", for educational purposes, when you actually want to learn the answer. But there is absolutely no gain in asking that rhetorically, except to exalt your own perspective, as in... saying that as a replacement for "if I were you, I would've left, dumbass". It's just... arrogant bullying, it helps no one.

Weird tangent there, just putting it out there.

I have a problem with seeing the best in people, idealizing, that's what I was saying. So... I will very very often look at a dating profile and see someone I'm not really that physically attracted to (very bad to settle in this regard when it comes to a romantic partner), who I have maybe... one or two things in common with? And I'll feel the pressure to message there as though... I just found the one or something. Like "don't fuck this up". And honestly, I'm not even sure if I should be messaging them at all. Because best case scenario, we end up meeting up and going out on a date... and then... what? I'm just not attracted to them. But I have a friend? I mean, that's good from my end, sure... but... let's use some compassionate empathy here... That poor woman just went on a date with someone that she is attracted to, who is not attracted back... and they just want to be friends. I mean... it's not the end of the world for them either but, it's a bummer, you know?

So... I really try to give it extra thought when I'm trying to find a match. I take it very serious. And I come back to potential likes after a bit with fresh eyes to make sure I'm not idealizing. It's been working okay. But yesterday, I did that... and I came back and swiped left. And the chick lived in my neighborhood and had liked me. It was my first match since... since the goat bone chick. And it was a missed connection because I felt like I was idealizing and felt like while was somewhat attracted... we didn't really have that much in common on paper. And it sucks because... how well can you really get to know someone from a fucking Bumble profile? So yeah, don't really need to put that much weight on a dating app match, but it's super rare so... it felt sucky.

Today, I did yoga which was really nice. Well paced for me, strenuous at parts but not so much that it destroyed me. After, I did dishes (I know), cleaned the kitchen counters and the stove (I know), got some breakfast and called my mom back. We were suppose to go over cars today. To just... figure this situation out. Before that, I watched a video by David Lynch on transcendental meditation. And... meditation has been on my list for a long time. Like... mantra focused meditation. I found breath-focused mediation and... honestly shit has just been so chaotic up in my head that I've been a bit scared of meditating. Like... it can get obscenely overwhelming sometimes, emotionally upsetting. It's... kinda silly. But... here's where I can silver lining this pretty easily. If I make a dedicated area in my home for that? That is nice and peaceful and positive and warm and comforting and safe. I think that would help build the habit. In the same way that the yoga videos helped build the yoga habit. They made it a very positive, warm, loving experience. So... watching the video was a good reminder of... that creative, existential, spiritual side of my life that has been so deeply neglected because of the constant hectic pressures of moving, sickness, death and conflict. And with that absence, my art and my self have suffered. I have a feeling it's coming back very soon.

It took my mom and I a while to crack through and get on the same page. But after a while of explaining my perspective, my daily life and... what my limitations currently are? What problem I really have with owning a car? We started to make some progress. It was very revelatory for me. I realized that having my car out of commission, and having it be... my fault... because of neglecting it for months and months at a time due to PTSD, severe depression, and the pandemic... like... it wasn't my fault, but it was my fault, you know? And because of that, I'm super gun-shy to get a vehicle. Because I feel like I'm just going to go into another shut-in phase at any moment... and that car is going to sit out in the parking lot rusting and falling apart. And then I'll bring it to get inspected one day, and they'll say "we can't let you drive this". And then they'll rent me a car. For 3 months. When I have no friends or romantic partner to help give me rides and shit. And my parents will associate me with the bill this costs... And since this scenario is fresh in my mind, because it's still happening... I have a deep survival reflex stopping me from willingly doing it again.

I know it's catastrophizing, but I explained that I'm afraid that the risk of it happening again? That might be worse for my mental health than not having a car. Like... the guilt and feeling of lack of safety and anxiety... might actually make it more difficult to leave my house. And somehow... she understood that. She actually got it. So we took some time to think about shit while she did some office work and I did laundry (I know), and I ended up coming back with 3 things. A car sharing service for $15/month with a vehicle less than a mile away from me. An electric vehicle called a "OneWheel" that's like... kinda like a balance board but with a giant offroad wheel you can ride around on, and headlights and shit. And a hybrid electric skateboard.

We were concerned before about the shared car being a bit far away from me, and wondering how I would safely get back from that parking spot at night, alone. And I think if I can get some sort of suitable lighting situation, the hybrid skateboard could work absolutely fine. The snow is kinda shitting on this plan, but... it's almost March... so... I'm a bit optimistic on that, but I think it should be okay. That way, I have a car if I need for doctors appointments or going to the skatepark or the rock climbing gym or meeting up and visiting with my brother/sister in law, or other friends that I'm yet to meet. And I can just skate to anywhere that's not too far away. And it'll help me stay used to being comfortable on a board.

And I told my mom that I can try this for a bit, a month or two or something, and if it doesn't work... if it's causing problems... we can brainstorm cars. My dad is looking to upgrade his car and it's... it's 10 years old... But like... I'll take it, I'm not picky... I'm just... I have that concern that it's just going to rot and fall apart in the parking lot, and that an older car like that might be more susceptible to falling apart. But it's an option if this skating/shared car thing is a bust.

So... I actually have a fucking plan. After all this horseshit. After months of craziness. I actually have a plan. And I'm just sleeping on it and seeing if we can think of any issues overnight, if not? It's getting ordered tomorrow. And I guess if I want groceries, I can either get them delivered, or pick them up in the shared car. It'll take some adjusting... but like... I went from a somewhat comfy life routine in June... to losing my dog... gaining and losing a close friend... gaining and losing a brother (again)... moving... and losing my cat... What the fuck hasn't changed? If anything, getting groceries delivered would be like... returning closer to how things were before Cerry died. Change is change, I just want to make life as smooth and comfy as I can right now, because the road has been rocky as fuck and I'm really ready to like... take some deep breaths and chill and get out of constant survival mode and start planting some seeds. Both literally and figuratively. My older brother gave me some indoor gardening kits for Christmas and I've been itching to get them set up, I just... I don't have any furniture and I feel like these guys are gonna need good light, you know? So I've been waiting for tables and the kits are still unopened. But... I feel like things are changing soon, and this place will have a lot more life in it. Lots of plants everywhere.

OH! I got my birdfeeder set up today, finally! I mean, I set it up yesterday, but the birds came to feed in it already! They found it so quickly! I'm a little afraid because they got a little territorial about it... a titmouse and a finch got in a little spat... and I'm a bit worried that they might... fly into the windows accidentally? I hope not. But they seem to really enjoy it, and it's really nice to have nature in my life again. I haven't had my own birdfeeder since like... 2017? There are a bunch of squirrels around, I don't know if they'd be stupid enough to try to jump over from the tree to my window on the second floor... it's like... at least a 10 foot jump... I guess we'll see.

So yeah, today was a completely different change of pace. I got lots of chores done, and came up with a decent plan to remove one of the biggest PTSD pressures off of my life. Even on very little sleep. I feel very... unburdened. I feel much lighter.

And I'm really hoping this helps me reconnect with skating. And get over my self-conscious bullshit about not "being good". So I can meet more people like me. And then they can get to know who I am and all the cool shit I can make. Music, poetry, jewelry, drawings, paintings, all kinds of shit. It might really be that the key to finding others to share my life with... starts with skating. I hate to say it, but I think it sounds more likely than with gaming. Gaming has just gotten too saturated. I don't know that, I'm just min-maxing again! Agh! Good lord.

Regardless of "percentage chances" and "likelihood of success" and shit like that, skating needs to pay off. If I look forward to skating... I will go again, and it will be less difficult to go, just like the skatepark at the end of the Fall last year. And if I go regularly? If it's part of my routine? It will be more likely that I make friends.

Is it obvious how lonely I am? -_-

There's also streaming. Which is still sitting there right within arms reach. But, as I said to my mom today - it's not streaming itself that's the problem, once I'm broadcasting it's fine, I know what to do, I have tons of ideas, I'm pretty comfortable. It's pushing the "Go Live" button. It's not grocery shopping, it's getting myself out the door. That's the barrier for me. And it's still pushing, despite having a few cool options. Like Noita with Twitch Integration, like Risk of Rain 2, like Rimworld. I even have another game on my wishlist by the devs of Prison Architect called "The Last Starship" that looks like it could be really fucking cool. I have ideas. I'm just...

Okay, let me just get this out then. I checked Discord the other day, I hadn't been on in a long time. No one interacted with me there, and I'd just constantly be seeing what games my little brother was playing with his friends that he never invited me to, which really fucking sucked. But I went back on to like... get used to having it open as part of getting ready for Twitch again. And I found messages. Messages from a guy whose Discord I used to mod for.

It's a weird story. I met him at a Cards Against Humanity stream with a bunch of random smaller streamers, we all just found each other and he was in the chat. He followed me over to my Twitch and found me there. That was a different era, I was smoking a shit ton of weed and was... well... much more confident, much more naïve and less acutely traumatized at that point. I obviously still had PTSD but... it wasn't... fresh. All the fresh trauma, that came after I met him. But we like... didn't know each other at all. He'd just chill in my chat occasionally.

Then I went to the retreat and got off meds after shit with my family and "friends" went south, after the "fresh trauma" hit. And I suddenly stopped streaming entirely. Because I couldn't stream from the retreat, it was a shared home, and I shared a room. I got back from the retreat like... 6 months later? Took some time to settle in and did my YouTube thing at first... then decided to start streaming again. Which was actually super hard. Because... a lot of people were very harsh to me about my streaming/YouTube stuff, and said very hurtful things. And they hadn't even seen the streams, but it still... did a lot of damage. I overpowered my "Go Live" fear, I changed my username, I got Rimworld set up and I started broadcasting... and within 10 minutes of starting the stream... the dude shows up. The first thing he does is ask me if I was <my old username>, which is like... horrific etiquette. I feel. But yeah, I mean... kinda defeats the point of a name change if you're just going to call me by my old name... that I don't want to be associated with anymore because it has traumatic associations...

He slowly got over that hump and started insisting on helping introduce me to other streamers and communities and shit. I went along with it. He linked me up with a community that networked new Twitch streamers to help them reach Affiliate status. Which can be... literally impossible if you don't have at least 3 friends. I mean that very seriously. If you do not have 3 friends actively watching your stream at all times, you are hurting your chances of ever being able to make a cent streaming. You need a certain amount of followers, average viewers and streamed hours during a specific period of time. You need all of those criteria. So if you have 300 followers, 100 hours streamed and a... 1.2 viewer count average? With that many hours logged? You'd have to basically not stream at all for a month to reset that. It's fucked up. But yeah... I went with these guys and tried to network, but none of them would chill in my stream. I hung out with the original guy, let's call him A, in his discord. I introduced him to Jackbox, which I was introduced to in the retreat, which was always a big hit. And I got us to arrange a regular night to do that, and A hosted it, and it became pretty popular. This was where I met two people around my age who ended up being my Rimworld series' biggest fans. And good friends, though we never really... hung out off-stream at all... which is weird... I have a feeling they will come back very naturally when I start streaming again, which will be a wonderful thing.

A rarely came to my streams. He wanted me to come to his. A never even really watched my Rimworld series, which was the absolute centerpiece of my life at that point. I was releasing 2x 15 minute videos per week at that point, it was seriously wake up, get coffee, let the dog out, start editing, lunch break, edit, stream, take the dog out, dinner, edit, sleep. With maybe a sunday off so I didn't go crazy. And I guarantee he couldn't name 2 characters from that playthrough. After a while, he appointed me one of the "Overlords" for his Discord server. A moderator, basically. But he really sold this whole image like... like the Overlords were there to basically be like a Senate kinda deal, I think. He played it like it was democratic, like we all had equal powers to him, the server owner, and we were there to basically keep him in check. Let me know if you see where this is going...

So we started to get in a bit of a routine, the weekly Jackbox night, my streams often raided into A's streams or vice versa. Mixing communities and all that, everyone getting to know each other. And I spent tons of time in his Discord, like every day. And then one day... one day this guy from that networking community that we both knew? He would pop in and say hi occasionally, but had his own discord community to manage and a very young son, so he was very rarely in A's community. This guy came on and put a message in general about how he was going to be doing some stream event at some point, inviting people. And A started freaking out. He deleted the post, he left a kinda passive aggressive comment in general that really didn't need to be there imo, he left some strong-worded comments to him in the moderator channel (I'm not sure if this guy was an "Overlord" too, but he definitely had a high ranking for some reason, despite never being active in the community), and I'm pretty sure he mentioned he was DMing him too. I left a message in the moderator chat and DM'd A personally letting him know that I didn't really feel comfortable with him like... publicly shitting on the leader of another streaming community, like... it might cause bad blood? Like... there are more polite ways of doing it? And basically told him that... this is me doing my job as an "Overlord" and keeping you in check, I feel like you overstepped there, and maybe should apologize. He obviously has a right to like... request people not self-promote... but there are different ways of doing it.

A's response to this was to... get piss drunk... and send me sloppy misspelled pissed-off messages at 4 AM... and remove my Overlord status. As you do, apparently. And I just took it as an invitation to leave outright. Two things should probably be mentioned here - 1) I did not request to be an "Overlord", in fact... I was pretty hesitant to even accept. I was incredibly overwhelmed already, doing everything solo, and really didn't want to take on more responsibilities, but he really peer pressured me into it. and 2) he set me up with my own corner in his discord to plug my own stuff - live announcements, youtube releases, shit like that. Not sure why, I could've just set up my own Discord... but... yeah. It was a thing.

So... I told him he was kinda doing me a favor by demoting me. Because the rank was pretty obviously bullshit, and he breaks his own rules. So... yeah. I kinda said "If you wanna do this, you might as well take down my channels, because I'm not really gonna be using them anymore." I really, really, really just did not want to be put in a position where people would come up and go "hey man, your username changed color, I thought you used to be an 'Overlord' (I fucking hate the gimmicky titles, just call them mods, dude), what happened?" Then I have to explain how a dude who I thought was a friend of mine decided to get drunk and "fire" me because I second-guessed his judgement, which was... supposed to be my job title... I felt like saying something like that to a member of his community, in his community, would probably lead to... more "retaliation". So I left.

I went off and just did my own stream. And lost regular game nights and shit. I met new people, which was nice. I started my own Discord eventually. But yeah... that always stuck with me. That really fucked me over.

So... A messaged me on the 15th. The first time since about a month before my dog died, when he last reached out. When he last reached out, he was just broken record trying different methods of pressuring me to basically "forgive and forget" and just "go back to the old days" or whatever. And I didn't budge an inch, I am actually super proud of myself for how I expressed myself reading those messages back. I was very articulate and direct, and compassionate, but without compromising my values and caving to what I now see as blatantly obvious consistent peer pressure. And this time, the messages on the 15th:

"Have you tried the Hogwarts game yet? [10:01 PM] I know the past blah. But I want to know if you're interested in it and if you have played what you think"

I'm tempted to link him an IGN review and leave it at that.

What I was very clear about was... that you can't really just fast-forward over conflict resolution. I wrote in the previous conversation:

"simply caring a lot about something doesn't make interacting with it functional, it takes work dude, time and effort that - for us - hasn't been put in. That's why every time we reconnect its like we just pick up right where we left off

because thats exactly what we're doing"

And he really just... I guess he's too ashamed of what he did to be able to tune in to how it affected me and really sit down and talk about it. Try to iron out some boundaries, to really be attentive to like... how shit like that affects me. I mean... like... I see this a lot. Where someone hurts me, then I express very clearly how and how much they hurt me, and they start getting very emotionally upset about the guilt or shame of having done that. Not concern for how I am feeling, not concern for the functionality of the relationship, not focused on the person who was hurt at all, but focused on how much it hurts their pride to have made an error. And how I am the one causing that pride-pain in them. And that's a big red flag for me now. I'm guessing it's a trauma thing? I don't know. But like... yeah. It's a red flag to me that my needs and my pain will very likely be weaponized against me.

So... what was weird about this was... in our previous exchange, he said:

"I want to move forward and I'm sure our next conversation will just be me bugging you about what game your playing these days or what's up in life. Point is if you are willing to move forward I'd like to."

It's been over 9 months, and he comes back doing exactly what he said he would do, what he was peer pressuring me into... and basically just acting like that whole conversation never happened.

That shit fucks with me, it honestly often makes me feel like I'm going batshit crazy. Maybe it's gaslighting? That would make sense if it was, I'm not sure enough about the definition to confidently use the term. It used to genuinely make me feel like I was delusional, I'm getting better about it. When I make a huge gesture of genuinely pouring my heart out, and put a lot of time and energy into being articulate and as clear as I can be, giving examples, using analogies, shit like that. And it is treated like my message didn't even go through, or I didn't even speak. It's like... okay. It happened when I was really high once and I was 100% convinced that I was dead; that I was a ghost and I just didn't know it and wouldn't come to terms with it. And that me realizing that I was a ghost, was like... potentially the beginning of the end of my spiritual existence in reality. And the big bad existential doom feelings hit like a freight train. THAT feeling. The feeling of being the ghost in the room screaming from another dimension and the people in the mortal plane don't even notice. I am way too familiar with that feeling.

And here he is... doing that again.

So... I FUCKING WONDER WHY I'M ANXIOUS TO START STREAMING AGAIN. GUESS WHO'S GOING TO DROP IN UNANNOUNCED WHILE I'M LIVE BROADCASTING AND BEING RECORDED.

XD

Someday. I swear. Someday I will start blocking people. The day will come. I... I don't think I've ever really done it before. Maybe once or twice in the very distant past, like a decade ago on Facebook. But I didn't even block my ex. I just... don't block people. It's weird. I also like... never delete posts that I put up places. It's this weird... accountability thing? Or something? Like I want to make sure that I'm really mindful of how I express myself without trying to control the consequences. If that makes sense. I want to be able to be honest, and allow people to disagree or be upset, without needing to control their reactions. And it's hard, especially with personal stuff like this, especially when it's normalized so much in our culture to just delete something you regret saying, and pretend you never said it. I feel like it helps me speak with more integrity, and subsequently think with more integrity. Or maybe I'm just making life way the fuck harder for myself than I need to.

ANYWAY. Enough of a big tangent there. Storytime is over, kiddos, time for bed. I know... I know...

So yeah, to make sense of this and sum this up for myself because that was a huge story sidebar... I got a ton of good stuff done for myself today, and my life is going to be changing a lot... but at the same time, not really. I will not have the constant drain of the rental car guilt hanging over me, making me feel unsafe, which will let me generate confidence more freely, which I hope to direct into skating and streaming. Both for social connections, both for personal growth and artistic connections. We'll see how this all plays out! Good night!

#diary #journal #online journal #stream of consciousness #stream of thoughts

[fictional-worlds-are-exquisite]

rlly vibing w/ poetry rn

#i've always had trouble with the if you want to be a writer you need to actually write #i'm not saying i want to be a writer but it's always gone in and out of my head #anyway #i'm realising poetry is a form of writing that actually i can do #i find inspiration in the environment in the media i consume in day to day life #and i write a poem #not super regularly no but i am writing original work more often than i ever did at any other point #the whole coming up with a story plot and trying to write a whole ass book is a little much for me actually #i really never did have any success there #but a poem? i can write a poem. a page. two pages. getting my thoughts out roughly #editing it with advice i picked up on from the writing class i took last year. if i want to #no pressure. some stuff i write out and do not edit. i might come back to it later but idk #no one else is seeing it i don't need to pass any assessments with it it can be a mess of an idea #i can always come back eventually #at christmas my uncle asked if i ever planned to try and put out a book of my poetry since he read a piece my dad sent #the idea of writing a books worth of poems is also too overwhelming actually #but i can do single poems. and maybe one day i'll realise i actually have quite a lot #i suppose it's a weird dream of mine now. i feel like i'd never actually get it published but idk #dreams don't have to be realistic. it seems more achievable than trying to write a novel anyway #to be perfectly honest it's one of the first dreams i've had for myself since my depression set it during my mid teens #it's a good sign i think. i know i'm gonna have a future now. here's my first dream. i like it. i can change my mind or whatever #but it doesn't change the fact i thought ahead to the future for something i'd really like to do at one point. so. anyway. yup

[nctrice]

Professor Jaehyun x Female Reader

Rating: 18+🛑

Word count: 2K

Content: smut, unprotected sex, fingering, dominant Jaehyun, praising, teacherxstudent, dilf Jaehyun, slight public intercourse

Disclaimer: I do not own Jung Jaehyun nor claim him in any sort of way. This Fanfiction is made up out of pure imagination and is strictly just fiction.

A/N: this is my first time writing for this tumblr platform and please give strict constructive advice if needed! Thanks!

___________________________

"Gosh he's hot!" I whispered under my breath gazing upon the dilf himself, Mr.Jung or in other words my calculus professor.

He stood tall and confident in front of the oddly huge white board, broad shoulders facing the class until he eventually turns around to ask a random student to answer the question that I had yet to even realize what it was. He swiftly scans the multiple rows of seats depicting who had been paying attention and who hasn't. I slowly began to sink in my seat avoiding be called on at any cost.

"Ah, y/n! I see you there! Come up here and answer this question for the class." He demands in a polite manner.

I had no problem with it of course, until he said to come forth. This is a first he's ever asked anyone to write the actual answer. My heart pounds within my chest, praying I don't make a fool of myself walking down or back up these unnecessarily wide stairs.

Mr.Jung steps aside and greets me with his well known charming smile. The amount of times this man alone has made me want scream to knock all the built up nerves out of my body. He made me feel more than just butterflies, I couldn't quite put a finger on it.

"Need help?" Mr.Jung folds his arms stepping closer.

"N-no thank you, I'm sure I got it."

My hands fumbled to reach for the dry erase marker he held out for me. It was a bit warm considering he's been holding it for more than half the class. I took a quick glance at the question, immediately regretting what I said. I did indeed need help, and I don't got it. I'm sure he could tell I was hesitating as my finger sits comfortably above my top lip.

'here goes nothing.' I thought before writing what I thought was the right answer. Mr.Jung examined the question, "close but not quite. The answer was -9, you forgot to subtract this which why you got -2. Try another easy one similar to this."

Bullshit. This question didn't look no where as easy. If I mess up again oh well, it's not like he'd pop out with another question to further embarrass me. As I thought long and hard about the problem, it began to feel like it was just us two. Him applying an uncomfortable amount of pressure with just the distance between us and me panicking underneath his anticipated stare.

"Not quite right neither, it'd be best for you to stay after class you seem to be having a lot of troubles."

Mr.Jung wiped the whiteboard free of any writing once I answered the last question and moved on with his lessons. I barely made it to the first step before he had wrote the next problem to briefly go over thanks to me. His words far more stern and exaggerated in attempt to sub me. Out of my entire time being in his class this had been the most I've ever seen this man share eye contact. Yet, it wasn't sweet and kind, more like curiosity had taken over and he couldn't get why I answered both questions incorrectly.

That exact thought had been on his mind throughout the rest of the class. A part of him felt anxious to know what it was that made me fumble at the problem that he knew I could solve perfectly fine on my own.

______________________

"Alright you all have a great rest of your afternoon and please do study for this upcoming test. It'll be more than 40% of your grade!" Mr.Jung announced as the classroom flooded out the doors, All except one person.

"Ms.l/n,"

He heaved a deep sigh, shoving his hands into his almost too tight dress pants pocket. He paced around his desk before sitting directly on the rounded edge. He looked dramatically intimidating, like he wanted to degrade you the moment he could.

"Is everything okay? You're normally really good with math. It hurt me to see you troubled with such an easy question."

My hands couldn't help but fiddle with the zipper sewed into my bag. How was I supposed to tell my teacher that he was the problem. Not in any sort of bad way, and not in any good way neither.

"Yeah I'm fine, just had a rough week." I lied.

"You seem kind of tense. Am I making you uncomfortable?" He innocently spoke while his eyes examined my body for some type of body language.

My knees buckled, hands folding anything to keep me calm, and not mentioning my blushed face. I was 100% sure that my face was completely flushed a crimson red. There was no denying it.

He didn't wait for an answer, and simply lowered his curtain covering the window then locked the door. I was unsure of what his intentions were but my mind was far off somewhere it shouldn't be regarding the fact that I'm just his student. The thought of him shoving all of his folders and papers off his desk and pinning me clouded my mind. My dying fantasy to have the slightest interaction that no other girl has ever had with him.

"I'm all ears. That's if you're comfortable with telling me of course." He knocked me into reality as I began to feel guilty for thinking negatively of his intentions.

"I'm not sure I can be completely honest." I mumbled beneath my breath breaking eye contact.

"And why is that?"

Mr.Jung held his arm out for me to grab. With little to no hesitation at all, I placed my hand in his. His thumb grazes over my knuckles a fee times until his eyes darted up towards mine.

"Cause I'm in no sort of position to have such thoughts."

I simply remove my hand from his grip feeling the tense sensation overwhelm me once again building up the need to put an end to this. He sensed it immediately.

"Turn around."

"Huh?"

"I'm not gonna say it again." His voice had more depth and demand stringing to it.

I did exactly what he said, no questions asked. His hands set firmly on my shoulders guiding me closer towards him until I felt the warmth radiating off of his body and onto mine. His thumb running deep circles into my shoulder blades releasing the tension that remained.

"Now tell me what position you feel you need to be in."

His hands made its way to my spine tracing all the way down to my waist before kneading my lower back.

"Missionary?"

"That can work too but I meant regarding to what you said. What position do you need to be in to have such dirty thoughts?"

By now, you were inches away from in between his legs, as much as I wished to be in this dearest situation, my first instinct was to freeze up. Was this really happening?

"I'm just your student. The things I want to do will ruin your career." I admitted.

He hummed at my answer willingly holding my waist and pulling me directly into his lap. I felt the slightest bulge poking me through my thin leggings. His head rested onto my right shoulder sending shivers down my back.

"There's nothing wrong with the student getting a little extra lesson with chemistry." He bluntly stated right beneath my ear.

I began to feel throbbing and anticipation between my legs.  Or maybe I had just noticed it now. His hands ventured from my waist toward the hem of my leggings, thumb pushing past my leggings and rubbing the outline of my panties. My stomach bursted with butterflies under his touch. He bit his lips as he felt the smooth lace of my underwear.

"Good choice Ms.l/n," he huskily whispered.

"Tell me about how you fantasize about me in explicit detail if you would."

My chapped lips parted realizing a deep breath I held in since he began to touch me in the ways I haven't yet imagined. His fingers trailed down to palm my womanhood gently creating the knot in my stomach.

"You had me alone like now, desperately removing everything off the desk to pin me down. Ripping my shirt in half as you cupped my boobs. One hand busy playing with my nipples, the other rubbing rough circles on my clit as you told me come."

He chuckled in response as he removed his hand from me and remained silent. As much as I wanted to turn around a catch a glimpse of his face, I was already too embarrassed sharing my intimate dreams with him.

He bit his lips dauntingly, "can I?"

"What?"

"Can I make that dream a reality?"

He slightly nibbled onto my ear, heat fuming from my dripping core soaking my panties by the second. I silently nodded afraid to speak at all. "I want to hear you say it, can I touch you?"

"Yes, Mr.Jung."

"Good girl, just for this I'll allow you to call me Jaehyun okay baby?"

I nodded once again holding back the whimpers threatening to leave my lips. His hands rubbed my ass gently getting rough within seconds, groping me every chance he got. The bulge teasingly poked at my core as he undid his pants lowering his draws enough to let his member spring free; slowly stroking himself onto my ass. Jaehyun grunted as the friction increased. His fingers tugged the the hem of my leggings sliding them down to my knees locking them in place.

"Damn you're sexy." He moaned taking in the sight of my now exposed ass. He stroked himself aggressively before tracing my spine with his fingers and bending me over. His other hand pushing my panties to the side as he inserted double digits into my soaked core curling his fingers and his thumb circled my clit. My breath became unstable panting like there was no tomorrow.  My walls clenched amongst his digits fighting the urge to come.  "Mhmm I-I can't hold it." I moaned balling my fists up against my knees for support. He took his digits out sucking every ounce making sure I heard the slurping noise before he lined himself at my entrance.

I inhaled a sharp breath as he entered his tip inside me. I had no clue how big he was but felt my walls adjusting to the girth of him. I bit my lip, holding back from the moans. His hands firmly placed on my hips as he shoved the rest of his large length inside me. I let out a small gasp followed with hitched breaths as his length reached what felt like my cervix. "Shh, you don't want no one to hear you don't you?" He whispered stopping in his tracks for a split second. He pulled almost all the way out coated with your juices only just to shove his length in back in reaching spots he may have missed.

"Oh fuck." Jaehyun groaned thrusting sluggishly. My walls clenched around him causing his grip to tighten on my waist. Tears streaming down my face in pleasure. He picked up the pace being careful enough to refrain from making any clapping noises. As much as he want to rail me until my eyes rolled back and seen stars he couldn't, not in this environment. Yet it was still enough to satisfy the both of our needs. Soft whimpers were the only thing he'd allow out of my mouth, anything louder than that he'd immediately pull out as a sign of punishment. His hand left my waist grabbing fistfuls of my hair and yanking it to see my fucked out facial expressions.

"Jaehyun." I breathed out as he rammed into me.

"Ms.l/n, you dirty little slut of mine, Ms.l/n you feel so good taking all my length in your wet pussy." He groaned aggressively in my ear pounded into me completely forgetting the fact that we were in his classroom. ~

"Ms.l/n! Please stop zoning out in my class!" Mr.Jung semi-shouts jolting me out of my day dream.  I immediately fixed my posture examining the dozens of eyes all drawn towards me including Mr.Jeong. He cocked an eyebrow at me before running his tongue on the inside of his cheek.

"See me after class." He demanded and continued on with his lesson. And just like that, I added on to my series of fantasies with my Calculus professor.

.

#nct #kpop #nct 127 #jaehyun #nct jaehyun #nct smut #nct fanfic #jaehyun fanfic #jaehyun smut #nct 2020 #nct u scenarios

[cometcaper]

I thought I'd share my playlist for the anniversary of the boathouse kiss. :)

Song translations, MANY thoughts, and timeline under the break.

Noise warning for song 19, Hinahanap-Hanap Kita. 4:23 to the end. Loud high pitched beeps.

YouTube music version to be made soon.

Translations for foreign songs:

Ewan [Dunno] — Apo Hiking Society — Filipino/Tagalog

Amour plastique [Plastic love] — Videoclub — French

Panalangin [Prayer] — Apo Hiking Society/Moonstar88 — Filipino/Tagalog

Hinahanap-Hanap Kita [I'm Looking For You] — Rivermaya — Filipino/Tagalog

This is a collaborative playlist made with my friend.

Thought Good Old-Fashioned Lover Boy would be a good starter song. Something about the music. Represents a good start of Alec persuing Maurice, like, hey, I can be yours... Whatcha doin'?

I added Puppy Princess because of the chorus but I know some people don't like that song so... You can skip if you'd like. KISS MEEEEE KIISS ME WITH YIIR EYESSS CLOSED . ALL I WANT IS YOU YEAH YOU. TELL ME I'M NOT FUNNY TELL ME I'M LEGIIIIT

Ewan. OH MY GOD this song is so them. Alec cares for Maurice, and doesn't like not being taken seriously or being treated badly and brushed off.

"I don't know why you're like that, you're difficult to talk to and you're a snob" COME ON IS THAT NOT THEM — Just a smile from you, and I'll be in heaven. Please give me a response, anything but "No idea"... What a perfect representation of Alec's continuous persuit of Maurice, always talking, always trying...

I could go on with every lyric.

Edit: I just realised this song fits so well for Alec's letters and meeting at the museum. Must resist the urge to add the same exact track twice.

So about Touch Me... Some of the lyrics apply better in other versions. Spotify just has this version tho. Touch me, just like that.

All I've Ever Known. Maurice discovered so much that night about touch and sharing and being with someone. He wants to be with Alec. "All I've ever known is how to hold my own, but now I want to hold you too. [Hold you close, I don't wanna ever have to let you go. Hold you tight, I don't wanna to back to the lonely life.]" Alec opened up his eyes and he'll never be the same.

Can't Help Falling in Love With You. 'Did you ever dream you'd a friend, Alec? ... Someone to last your whole life...' 'Alec, you're a dear fellow and we've been very happy.'

I'd Like To Walk Around In Your Mind was added from Maurice's perspective. Perhaps it fits Alec too...

I think Love At First Sight has the double meaning of the literal title, as well as "wouldn't you like to kiss her" perhaps being... Something Maurice would hear.

I Don't Dance. Based on this post/edit. Please watch this video oh my God.

Pink in the Night. Alec yearns for Maurice in the boathouse. He hasn't come. He hears his heart breaking tonight.

Every lyric is perhaps pulled straight from Alec's brain, to be honest. I remember seeing a post with this song in other contexts with them too. So yes, a few meanings.

Amour plastique. Alec reminiscences on the night in the Russet room. Why hasn't he come?

In my mind, everything goes wild. I lose myself in your eyes. I drown myself in the vagueness of your loving gaze.

And at night I cry tears that stream down my cheeks. I think of you only when the days ends, only when my sad demons descend upon my mind, into the bottomless abyss.

Waiting in the boathouse at night, when the day ends.

I ring out in kisses all down your chest. Lost in the avalanche of my heart astray. Who are you? Where are you?

The moments of then repeat in his mind. Where is Maurice?

I suppose Hopelessly Devoted To You and I'm A Fool To Want You are self explanatory. Maurice should really come... Alec really toughed it out, 2 days he spent in the boathouse, really wanted to see Maurice, really knew they had something, and doesn't want to be treated like a dog. Generally, his 1st letter.

Moon Song. My friend said they added it as a general love song. — Why do you treat me like this? Why didn't you come to the boathouse? — Alec's 2nd letter as a whole. Plus bits of 1st.

And you pushed me in, and now my feet can't touch the bottom of you. ... So I will wait for the next time you want me, like a dog with a bird at your door.

Ewan would fit here tbh.

Panalangin. My only prayer in this lifetime: to be beside you, to be together with you, that's my prayer.

"I since cricket match do long to ... place both arms round you and share with you, the above now seems sweeter than words can say."

And this heart won't allow if you will be away from me, my love, please listen.

It also fits the end of museum.

I Want You. Maurice, can you come to the boathouse already? Alec has no power to teleport you there. I hold one card that I can't use.

I found you. I found the door, but when I stepped through, there was no floor. He found Maurice, bit he's not being here for Alec.

You're coming back And it's the end of the world We're starting over And I love you, darling And I am done, dear

Alec wishes this would happen. Also, he does come back later and they love again over, and "it is finished".

Credit for suggesting the next two songs goes to @beatle-capaldi!!! He also wrote was in quotations!

English Summer Rain

The Most Radical Thing To Do

Hinahanap-Hanap Kita. 1st letter, he's looking for Maurice. Thinking about them together.

In my thoughts and dreams, in every turn of destiny, I look for you. Also applies to that hotel/post-hotel feeling. I look for you, even if I try to forget you, saying goodbye, looking back...

Wildest Dreams. They think a lot of each other. They share once more. But they must say goodbye. Alec saw this coming. Maurice hopes that Alec will remember him like this.

I Hear a Symphony. Alec truly opened up Maurice's eyes. Maurice was meant to be with him. He helped Maurice, changed his life. But now Alec is leaving on ship... Or is he? The symphony leads into...

An orchestral sountrack. The Boathouse. Unfortunately the Maurice soundtrack is not on spotify. It's on my personal YouTube music version. I added it because it just captures the boathouse the only way the sountrack itself can.

The Word of Your Body (Reprise). MLM people have moment of romantic tension, which culminates in confessions of love. Just had to add it. "Haven't you heard the word of your body?" perfectly describes Alec gifting and showing Maurice the wonder of truest physical affection and love. He lets Maurice be okay with himself, and again, changes everything. Every lyric is perfect.

Also, sorry JBW, I like other versions more... Too bad Spotify is mean.

I See The Light. Yeah. Every lyric. Maurice is Rapunzel. Movie Blond too. Both the morning at Russet room and the museum. And the world has somehow shifted. All at once everything is different, now that I see you. "By now they were in love with each other consciously."...

Suddenly Seymour. Suddenly see more, yeah? Clive = ass and someone gives him affection for once, wow! Sidenote, I want to sing this with them and their accents... Suddenly SCUDDER...

Helpless. Musical theatre songs seem to be good retellings of their love story. It's why they belong in post boathouse. Summaries and retellings. They're also good at conveying love they'd feel for each other in general, all times ever. Like loving men, retelling a story.

I'll Cover You. Cute love song feat. gays. I like to imagine them dancing around, declaring their love and devotion for each other. Walking and dancing around like in the original scene, sometime post canon. In my own imagination, I thought of Alec as Angel and Maurice (Christopher) as Collins.

Video Games. They must love spending time together. I thought this to be Maurice POV. Only worth living if somebody is loving you I mean, come on.

It's you, it's you, it's all for you. Everything I do. I tell you all the time, heaven is a place on Earth with you.

Un sospiro. I headcanon that Maurice picks up the piano and plays for Alec. Perhaps he picked it up bc of/after Clive, but now can play it for someone who gives a shit.

Something about the melody reminds me of them. And then it gets more intense... A bit like the passions of love, showing up in sharing and touch and more, too.

Liebestraum. I mean, it means love dream/dream of love. I just had to. Also I just like Liszt.

Take Me Up With You, Dearie. This song is just so sweet... So soft... Edwardian to boot... I love how quintessentially 1909 it is. Discovered it in a YT video. The thought of them getting married makes me cry. This song in general makes me want to cry, it's so romantic, tender, and exudes my favourite era...

Let us float, float, float through the clouds, and just have a lot of fun. We'll go up, up, up as two and then come down as one.

Put Your Head on My Shoulder. We Belong Together. I always imagine Maurice and Alec slowdancing to songs that come on the radio together, when the 1950s hits... Alec probably rests his head on his shoulder as this plays and they dance...

I'm using a lot of ellipses, am I secretly Rupert Graves?

Welcome to the 70s and 80s. They love dancing together and being with each other. Now, Panalangin can be a happy song. My only prayer for this lifetime ... To be together with you. And this heart won't allow if you will be away from me.

Just the Two of Us. What a nice, vibey song. Great title, great scenario of them dancing to this...

Tiny Dancer. Your Song. MLM people in the 70s + Radio, being happy and in love with each other. — I just thought I should add some Elton. A different friend, and I, like him. Maurice sings to Alec, "And you can tell everybody this is your song." That I put down in words how wonderful life is with you in the world.

Electric Love. Fun fact: this song got me to share the playlist. Got me thinking about them and their anniversary again. The funky busy instrumental describes well their passionate love. The highs of electric LOOOOOOVE describe the intensity of them.

Alt text continued: themselves together under and the love. And the love. The song has its own tension and it perfectly pictures their own tension. So yeah, this is THEIR song quite literally.

Sorry if my music taste is perhaps basic. I just made it for when I hear songs that are Them.

Falling for Ya. Alec falls for Maurice. "I saw you when you first drove up, Mr Hall..." Something about Maurice, right? Plus really nice vintage vibes with the music. The bit about Into your arms and it's a secure sure sounds like Maurice. Awh, they're falling for *each other*...

Rainbow Connections. Gay and bi people. Marriage. Everything that Maurice and Alec went through to get here, where they were meant to be. Clive. Working for Clive. Leading up to now.

All the things that had to go right, all the things that had to go wrong, that lead us to the place where we were going all along.

On the YT version there's a soft/jazzy cover of Panalangin here. Because they're old and spending time together and being happy. What a throwback, a defined meaning in their lives over time.

Still Into You. After all these decades... Old and grown, together... True soulmates... Two men can defy the world... Maurice and Alec still roam the greenwood. Imagine Maurice meeting Alec's mom in this context. If only.

Postmodern Jukebox cover, because they are a quintessentially 20th century couple. They exude vintage.

Some piano playing for Alec. Soft, tender, romantic, emotional, true. Feels like nighttime. Feels like Maurice and Alec. And a throwback to the pre 1914 world as well. Claire de Lune feels like... A credits of life piece. Time spent in the early 1980s. Nocturne feels like that too, but more romantic. Smidge less nighttime. Ah yes, Gymnopédies. The truest credits feel of them all. None of these actually are credits for Maurice and Alec, but I struggle to find the word for this feeling. But yeah. These all have Them vibes to me. Piano of the time just does I suppose. Glad to be reminded of them at any time.

What a long playlist. Like going through almost their whole lives together. 1:52 hrs. Almost like a movie. Imagine that. A full movie of THEIR lives... But leaving to the imagination was a good thing. Led to this such action. Thank you E.M. Forster.

Timeline:

1. Pendersleigh

4. & 5. Russet Room. Night, then Morning

9. Cricket

10. Boathouse Nights

18. The Museum

20. The Hotel

21. After

23. The Boathouse

24. They Still Roam the Greenwood

I just like to imagine them dancing to songs on the radio, for decades to come...

#maurice 1987 #maurice 1914 #maurice #maurice hall #alec scudder #Spotify

[tinyboxxtink]

"Caught In The Storm" *Part 8*

Alright y'all I know this took me ALL day, but I re-wrote it and tweaked it until it was PERFECT. And by "perfect" I mean "perfectly HEARTBREAKING." I'm really proud of this one to be honest with you, I can't wait to see what you think.

This is the crescendo folks, it's all been leading here. Let's all take a deep breath and get some tissues.

@chasingeverybreakingwave

@wanniiieeee

@milkshqke

@lolliepopsicle

@gibbs274

@objection-argumentative

@word-scribbless

@aprildecker-blog

PART 9 IS HERE!

Over the next few weeks you balanced promoting your album and planning a wedding all at the same time. Surprisingly, Rafael had decided that he was too busy to have an intern anymore so Nathan had gotten a job elsewhere.

You hadn't talked since that night that you got engaged.

So here you were, standing in a bridal shop prancing around in ball gowns, presenting yourself to Olivia Amanda and Kelsey.

“What do you think about this one?” You twirled in a bright poofy chiffon white dress.

“Too poofy,” Amanda laughed.

"Agreed," the other two added.

"We've been here for 3 hours. Can we just throw up a coin and go with that one?" You whined.

"This is your wedding dress darling," Olivia said softly, taking your hand. "This is the dress you're going to wear on the happiest day of your life, don't you care about that?"

"Yeah.. I guess so," you sighed. "I liked the one with a long train that was sleeveless with the tiara," You finally smiled. "Did you like that one?"

"Wonderful choice, baby girl," Olivia smiled.

------

When you got home from the dress shop, Kelsey decided to call you out.

"Okay what was that?"

"What was what?"

"Why were you being such a brat in the bridal store today?"

"I'm just tired," you lied. "I'm tired from all the promoting and the planning and I just don't want to do it anymore."

"Which part don't you want to do anymore?" Kelsey asked with a suspicious look.

"What does that mean?" You eyed her back.

“I think you know what it means." She crossed her arms.

"Whatever. I don't want to talk about this anymore. I've got an early autograph signing." You walked off and slammed your door.

-----

The next day you were at your autograph signing; You smiled and signed politely, lightly chatting to each fan that came up to you.

You did your best to keep light and not bum everybody out, But you were drained. Getting close to the end of the line, you looked down and saw a hand push your album in front of you.

"And who do I make this out to ?" You asked almost in a robotic voice.

"Could you make it out to Rafa?" A familiar voice asked.

You looked up to see Rafael standing there with a small sad smile.

"Rafa..." you whispered. "What are you doing here?"

"I'm buying your album obviously, carino," He smiled again.

"You really don't have to do that" you shook your head.

"I wanted to," he said. Now will you please sign it?"

"Yeah," you smiled. You wanted to talk to him so much more but you still had a line and you couldn't just walk away from all these fans that had bought your album.

"Alright carino well I'm...I'll see ya," He gave you another nod before squeezing your hand softly and walking away.

You couldn't believe that he had taken that moment to come see you. Was it because he didn't want to talk to you? Was it because he didn't want to get into anything? Was he mad at you for saying yes to anything?

All of these things ran through your head as he walked away but again, you couldn't do anything about it and you hated it.

---

Finally it was the night before your wedding. Kelsey had decided to sleep at her boyfriend's house so that you could have the house to yourself, your one final night alone.

You figured people would think you were spending it celebrating, doing your nails or a million other girly things; but instead you were in your sweats, drinking wine, watching romcoms and crying. Not a great sign the night before your wedding. You tried to put everything out of your mind. It got later and later when you heard a knock at the door.

"I knew it. I knew you were going to forget something Kelsey. Did you forget your toothbrush or your herpes medication?" you laughed as you opened the door.

But it wasn't Kelsey, It was Rafael. He looked at you with pure sad eyes and rocked back and forth on his heels.

"Oh my God Rafa, are you drunk right now?" You asked him in pure shock.

"No.. maybe... Can I come in?" He slurred.

You let him come in and flop down on the couch. Your mind was spinning. Probably a lot like the ceiling was to Rafael.

“I don't understand. What are you doing here? You haven't talked to me, you barely said anything to me when you came and got your album signed. You basically act like I don't exist since I said yes to Nathan. So, are you mad at me? And if you are then why the hell are you here right now?” You rambled on, the million questions you had for him over the past few weeks came spilling out of you.

“I’m not mad at you, I'm mad at myself!” He admitted, his head in his hands.

“...What?” You asked, still in shock.

“I know...I know I've waited. I've waited too long.. but every time I try…” He said with his hands still over his face.

“Try to do what?” Tears coming to your eyes

“Every time I've tried to tell you, something has always happened, or my fears have gotten the best of me. or you're dating some prick or getting engaged to some prick,” He huffed when he mentioned Nathan.

“Oh that's really nice Raff,” you rolled your eyes. “Don't blame Nathan for your insecurities,”

“I'm not, I just….” He stopped again, now looking at you.

“You're doing it again, by the way,” you rolled your eyes trying to stay snarky.

“Doing what?” He looked at you in confusion.

“You're chickening out again,'' you said.

“No I'm not!” he angrily yelled, getting up and trying to yell at you but only stumbling and falling into your arms.

“So say what you came here to say, or get out,” You looked at him seriously; you both had tears in your eyes.

“...I'm in love with you Y/N. I always have been, I think I always will be,” He finally said it, after all this time. He was saying the words you had waited for, right here and right now.

“Well.. that's great. I'm glad you finally told me,” You nodded, letting him back down on the couch.

“What…?” Rafael asked, confused. That definitely wasn't the reaction he was expecting.

“I'm glad that you finally had the balls to admit your feelings.” you said more sternly, sucking back your tears.

"Why do I feel that there's a but?" Rafael asked with fear in his voice.

"But...You're too late," You said softly.

"No.. that can't be true. I know that's not true," He jumped up from the couch again only to stumble a bit, but steadied himself on the arm of the couch.

"Why can't it be true, Rafa?!" You yelled. "Because I was so in love with you that I've just been sitting here pining for you all these months, just waiting for you to say something? Like I'm some pathetic puppy?"

"No, but…" Rafael started.

"Because I wasn't, I'm not!" You continued to yell trying to stay angry instead of sad.

"You're right," you sniffed. "You have tried. I know that you've tried. You've had so many chances to tell me this, and every time you've chickened out"

"But if you knew that, then why didn't you say anything…?" Rafael asked while tears were forming in his eyes again.

"Because you're a grown man Rafa!!" You cried, tears now forming against your will. "I can't force you to do anything, I can't force you to want to be with me!!"

"I know that," he replied sadly.

"I went to say something one night at the Supper Club MONTHS ago, but you were kissing that prick...and then Kelsey said that if I really loved you, that I would let you go,"

"....What?" You blinked in disbelief.

"And, and THEN, that night at your party…" He rubbed his head like he was recalling a bad dream.

"Yeah, you mean when you were going to tell me that you loved me, and then just LEFT?" You snapped.

"Are you--" he scoffed with a laugh. "I left because you got fucking ENGAGED, Y/N!!"

"Because you didn't say--"

"I WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF SAYING IT!!!" He was suddenly yelling, pissed that you were putting this all on him.

"And then the group interrupted, and then that dickhead PROPOSED, and you said YES!"

"Because you weren't there!"

"Because you said YES!" Rafael wasn't backing down on this.

"If you knew what I was going to say, then don't you think that you could've taken a MINUTE to say “Oh hey Nathan that's really nice but I need to talk to the LOVE OF MY LIFE first before making this LIFE CHANGING DECISION?"

"I…" Your thoughts were racing.

"I hadn't said anything, because I told Kelsey that I wouldn't. And I figured you had moved on! You looked like you had moved on!!!" He continued to explain, but tears were choking his throat.

"I…" This whole time you assumed Rafael would know how you felt because you told him the ONE time. It never crossed your mind that he would just assume you "got over" him.

"And, and THEN...at the party, I thought 'maybe she hasn't...maybe I still have a chance'...and then you said YES!" He was crying now.

"What else was I supposed to think, Y/N? Tell me that, huh?” He looked at you with tears streaming down his face, his voice trembling.

Your head was really spinning now. Fucking KELSEY, how dare she interfere with your life? If she hadn't told Rafael to...and if you hadn't….

"I thought you were in love with that douchebag, and I didn't want to mess with your happiness," He finally ended his rant as he collapsed back onto the couch. The crying and the drunkenness was wiping it out of him.

"...And so what was the other day? Why would you just show up at my signing when you KNEW I couldn't just sit there and 'talk it out' with you--" You continued to interrogate him, you didn’t care how exhausted he was.

"I had this whole thing! I was going to come up to you and when you asked me what to sign I was going to say "sign it I love you too Rafa. And then you would look up and I'd say I LOVE YOU!!!" He explained.

"And..?" You asked flippantly, pointing out the fact that he STILL did not follow through.

"And then I saw that fucking diamond ring on your finger!!!!" He gestured to your ring angrily.

"Oh for fucks sake…" You muttered, about at the end of your rope.

"This is exactly what I'm talking about Rafa." You narrowed your eyes. "You wanna blame Nathan for EVERYTHING, like he 'stole' me from you. But I only met him because YOU left me hanging. AGAIN,"

"...What?"

I was waiting for you at that bar and you once again chickened out coming to see me, so Nathan bought me a drink." You did your best to spin this back on him.

"...That's not true.." he kept going through things in his mind. He knew it was true. He had seen you talking and flirting with him in the window that night.

"Yes it is true. It's like you were pushing me to Nathan trying to get me out of your life, and so I accepted it that way," You really had felt that way.

"You JUST heard why--"

"I DON'T CARE!!!" You screamed.

"I don't care what I did, or what Nathan did, or what Kelsey said. It's EVERYBODY else's fault except for yours isn't it? You should have just TOLD ME, consequences be damned! That's what I did! And you made me pay for it!" You got up in his face, livid that he wasn't owning up to his own cowardice.

"You did this, you got us where we are today and you have to live with it. Now please leave." You walked open and opened the door motioning for Rafael to get out.

"No," He walked towards you as the anger and emotion in him was sobering him up pretty fast.

"No, this is bullshit. You're not going to sit there and accuse me of just 'letting things happen' the way they did. That I didn't fight for you. Because I'm fighting for you RIGHT now,"

"A fight over what, Rafa? There's nothing left to fight for," You rolled your eyes.

I don't believe that," He insisted.

"Why not?!" You asked as a few tears dripped down your cheek.

He reached you at the door and put two hands over your face looking into your eyes with his own green irises.

"Look me in the eyes and tell me you're not still in love with me," He said to you just as you had dared him in his office almost a year ago. The reverse feeling felt almost too cruel.

"No, I'm not, You looked at the ground just as he did before.

"You're lying," he said, mimicking your line.

"Yeah? Well now you know how it feels!"

"I knew it," Rafael said with a smile. He grabbed you, pulled your face into his with a deep, passionate kiss. It was like years of longing and wanting and waiting being released all at once in one perfect kiss. It lasted what seemed like forever, but It was only probably about 30 seconds.

All you kept thinking about was how right this felt, how perfect it was, how it never felt this way with Nathan but... you also thought about what Kelsey said.

Rafael had said multiple times that he didn't love you, and now that he was drunk and had false confidence, here he was proclaiming his love for you. And what would happen when that liquid courage went away in the morning?

"But it doesn't matter,'' you said softly when you pulled away from the kiss. Rafael's eyes went from pure Bliss to instant confusion and sadness.

"What are you talking about?" He asked while his eyes searched yours for an explanation. "That kiss was perfect. You cannot tell me that you did not feel what I just felt in that kiss, you just can't."

"Of course I did, you moron! I've probably loved you longer than you've loved me. I've waited for that kiss for years, since the moment I met you! But you wouldn't let me. You wouldn't let us happen. You broke my heart over and over and over again. It hurts too much to love you! And I won't do it anymore."

"No…" He held onto you tighter. "No, you're not doing this."

"Why? Because you're the only one who knows how to say no? Because you're the only one with the power to hurt someone you supposedly love?” You pushed him away out of your embrace.

“Because everything's about you, and I should just fall into your arms now that you're ready? You couldn't even come over here and do this sober! You're saying all of these things, confessing and promising me things, all while you're drunk off your ass!” You screamed angrily, tears now streaming down your cheeks.

“How am I supposed to believe that tomorrow morning when you realize what you've done you won't immediately take it back like the coward you are?"

"That's not fair…" he whispered.

"It is ABSOLUTELY Fair!! you screeched back. “You have done nothing but get my hopes up and crush them, and hurt me for as long as I can remember, and just because you have a moment of clarity while drinking doesn't undo all of that damage and it won't help once this wears off,"

"It's not going to wear off my end I swear. It hasn't worn off for months, maybe years. I love you I'm in love with you probably more than anything or anyone ever," He grabbed you back in his arms, holding onto you for dear life.

"You know Nathan's a good man." You said softly, pushing him away once again. "He's a good kind man who loves me, who has always loved me and who has always taken every second he can to show me that he loves me,” You crossed your arms so you wouldn’t be tempted to run back into Rafael’s embrace.

“Don't you think that's what I deserve? To be told that I'm loved and I'm beautiful and that I'm wanted?” You asked him softly, all he could do was look back at you with sad eyes.

“...And not that there's ‘too much’ between us, or it’s ‘too complicated’, or excuse after excuse why I'm not good enough for you?" You sniffled.

"I never meant that you weren't good enough for me. I've never meant that,” He tried AGAIN for you, but you stopped him before he got close this time.

"Yeah well that's what it seems like," You said.

"I'm sorry... I'm sorry.. I can't say anything else but that. I don't know how else to express to you how sorry I am and I will make up for it the rest of our lives if you let me. I am so sorry that I hurt you and I will never hurt you again." He got down on his knees and clung to you like a child.

"I don't believe you," you whispered.

"What?" He looked up at you in disbelief.

"I don't believe you. You repeated, pulling him off of your legs. "I don't believe that you won't hurt me again, because it's all you do. And all Nathan has done has loved me and made me feel special,"

"But you don't love him,'' Rafael pointed out.

"You don't know that!" You snapped.

"Yes I do!" He shot back.

“How could you possibly know that?”

"Because you have never looked at him the way you look at me!" He exclaimed.

Your face went from upset and sad, to absolute rage after hearing him say that.

"You arrogant, selfish, son of a bitch…" you growled.

"How DARE you say that to me?! How DARE you use my own feelings and how much I loved you against me? Get out," You grabbed his arm and dragged him to the door.

"No look I'm sorry Y/N, but it's true. You don't love him and you're only marrying him to spite me!" He continued to dig himself a hole.

"Well if I wasn't doing it before I sure as hell I'm doing it now. So please do us both a favor and FUCK OFF," You pushed him out and slammed the door behind him. You fell to the ground crying, not knowing if you had done the right thing.

Rafael didn't leave. You could hear him crying through the other side of the door. You sat there for a minute just listening to the both of you cry. You reached for the door handle several times, but every time you reminded yourself of all the times that he hurt you, and that it was his time to hurt.

Finally you stopped hearing him cry. Assuming he left or passed out, You forced yourself to get up and go to bed and forget about it.

-------------

The next day you were in the bridal room getting ready; It was pouring rain outside, it seemed appropriate.

Amanda, Kelsey and Olivia were helping you polish your tiara, ironing your dress, fixing your makeup and all that jazz. Hundreds of fans lined outside the church since someone had leaked where you were getting married. Everything came down to this moment. It was supposed to be the biggest day of your life, and you were terrified.

“You're shaking,” Amanda noticed.

“It's just nerves, you need some champagne'' Kelsey grabbed a champagne flute and shoved it in your hand; you downed it.

“You're doing the right thing,” Kelsey assured you, as if she knew what you were thinking. You looked at Olivia and Amanda.

“And what do you say?” You genuinely asked them both.

“I think that whatever you want to do is the right thing,'' Olivia replied, squeezing her hand. You smiled thankfully, glancing at the door.

------

When it was time, you walked up to Finn who was waiting at the doors of the chapel. He was dressed in a tuxedo with a baby blue tie.

“You look beautiful, baby girl,” he smiled. “Are you ready to do this?”

“Now or never,” You smiled.

The Wedding March began to play as the chapel doors opened. You proceeded to walk down the aisle and looked at everyone watching you. All of your past and present family from the SVU squad was there. Grandpa Kragen and Grandpa Munch, Uncle Brian, Uncle Tucker, etc.

Then you looked at Nathan's family, a bunch of white rich stuffy but welcoming people. You noticed all of the crowds lining outside the windows of the church cheering you on, some crying, some holding signs. Then you looked at Nathan waiting for you at the end of the aisle smiling proudly. He really did love you.

You reached the end of the aisle and took Nathan's hands.

“Dearly beloved, we're gathered here today…”

The Preacher went on through the normal wedding exchanges until he got to your vows.

“Do you Nathan Lee Price, take YN to be your lovely wedded wife, now and forever, through richer and poorer, sickness and health, before and after you both shall live?

“I do,”

“Y/N, do you take Nathan Lee Price to be your lovely wedded husband, now and forever, through richer and poorer, sickness and health, before and after you both shall live?”

You looked to Nathan, then you looked to your side of the wedding, then you looked to his side, you looked to the fans outside again, you looked to the sky, looked to the ground and then you looked back at Nathan.

"I…"

#rafael barba #rafael barba x reader #rafael barba x you #rafael barba imagine #law and order svu #law and order special victims unit #law and order fanfiction #caught in the storm

[spookybluecanary]

As someone with a psychology degree, I have never done the enneagram test, (Or if I have I don't remember the results) but I do listen to Sleeping At Last. So here are the lyrics from the nine songs on their Enneagram album I relate too;

one:

But the list goes on forever

Of all the ways I could be better, in my mind

As if I could earn God's favour given time

Or at least 'congratulations'...

Now I have learnt my lesson;

The price of this so-called perfection is everything

I've spent my whole life searching desperately

To find out grace requires nothing of me

two:

I know exactly how the rule goes:

Put my mask on first

No, I don't want to talk about myself

Tell me where it hurts

I just want to build you up, build you up

'Til you're good as new

And maybe one day I will get around to fixong myself too

I just want to learn how, somehow, to be loved myself

three:

Maybe I've done enough

And your golden child grew up

Maybe this trophy is not real love

And with or without it I"m good enough

And I finally see myself

Through the eyes of no one else

It's so exhausting on this silver screen

Where I play the role of anyone but me

And I finally see myself

Unabridged and overwhelmed

A mess of a story I'm ashamed to tell

But I'm slowly learning how to break this spell

And I finally see myself

I only want what's real

I set aside the highlight reel

And leave my greatest failures on display with an asterisk

Worthy of love anyway

four:

I'm stuck seimming in shadows down here

It's been forever since I came up for air

five:

A white flag waves in the dark between my head and my heart. My armour fall sapart, as if I could let myself be seen, even deeply known. Like I was already brave enough to let go. And now I want generously to lose this energy that I've been hanging onto so desperately.

six:

I had the most vivid dream

My feet had left the ground

I was floating to heaven

But I could only look down

My mind was heavy

Running ragges with worst case scenarios

Emergency exists and distance below

I woke up so worried that the angels let go

Oh God I'm so tired

Of being afraid

What would it feel like

To put this baggage down?

If I'm being honest

I'm not sure I'd know how

I want to take shelter but I'm ready, ready to fight

And somewhere in the middle I feel a little paralysed

seven:

I'll find the silver lining no matter the price

It feels like sinking when I'm standing in one place

eight:

I was little, I was weak and perfectly naive

And I grew up too quick

I want to break these bones 'til they're bettet

I want to break them right and feel alive

You were wrong, you were wrong, you were wrong ‐

My healing needed more than time

When I see fragile things, helpless things, broken things,

I see the familar

I was little, I was weak, I was perfect to

Now I'm a broken mirror

But I can't let you see all that I have to lose

And all I losy in the fight to protwct it

I can't let you in -

I swore never again

I can't afford to let myself be blindsided

I'm standing guard, I'm falling apart

And all I want is to truat you

Show me how to lay my sword down

For long enough to let you through

nine:

Honestly, it's easier

To let myself to forget

Still, I check my vital signs

Choked up, I realise

I've been less than half myself

For more than half my life

It looks like empathy

To underatand all sides

But I'm just trying to find myself

Through someone else's eyes

So show me what to do

To restart this heart of mine

How do I forgive myself

For losing so much time?

(I will reblog once I take the test)

#enneagram #enneatypes #sleeping at last

[turinn]

Naive

Ray Blackwell x M!Reader

Summary: An invitation at a party reveals that Luka had no idea you’re gay, and brings up a concern you hadn’t had before. Tags: Crack, fluff, secret relationship, mention of homophobia, alcohol consumption A/N: This is based on a dream I had where Luka and I had this exact conversation and when I woke up and remembered it I nearly threw up laughing. I did actual research for the girls outfit and hair bc im a fashion history nerd. the pocket watch i just thought was cute. Fenrir calls the reader fruity but its okay bc hes gay too god bless Word Count: 1.5k

The party was the usual affair expected of the Godspeed's, an air of elegance- present but not too overbearing- hanging over the large hall. Music drifted gently to your ears as you took everything in, a small smile settling on your face.

You couldn't help but feel a little underdressed. The officers had, of course, kept their uniforms on, but everyone else present was dressed to the nines. You'd thought the suit you wore was lovely when you and Seth had seen it last week, dark blue with a white trim, paired with a pale cyan tie and pocket square. The gold watch that settled comfortably in your pocket had been a gift from Blanc, supposedly made by Oliver to look similar to his own, to commemorate your decision to stay in Cradle. Compared to everyone else, it felt rather simple now, but you pushed the thought aside. Nobody was judging what you were wearing, they were here to enjoy themselves same as you.

"Would you like a drink?" Ray asked, voice soft enough not to startle you too much. This wasn't too effective, as you'd gotten lost in your thoughts, and sort of forgotten there were people around you, but it was kind of him to try. "Oh, yes, please." You smiled at him and a moment later he'd walked off, talking to Sirius about something, leaving you alone with Luka. Fenrir had disappeared to greet his family when you'd first arrived, and Seth was who knows where, but you didn't mind it being just the two of you. Luka rarely came to these, in fact this was the first he'd been to since you'd arrived in Cradle, despite it being your fifth, and you decided someone should stick with him so he didn't feel quite as nervous.

As you turned to say something to him, you noticed a lady making her way over to the both of you, looking rather flustered. Her fists were clenched at her sides, and she seemed to be muttering something to herself, but it was clear she had intent to speak to one of you. Perhaps she wanted to talk to Luka? He was cute, it wouldn't surprise you. What did surprise you, however, was when she walked up to you instead.

"Um, excuse me if this is far too forward, but... would you be interested in dancing with me?" She sounded so nervous, and you almost wanted to say yes. Any other man would have been lucky to get such an invitation- she looked stunning. She wore her hair in curls, gathered at the back of her neck, with a hairpiece of pale blue flowers was pinned at the front, a necklace donning the same type of flower hanging just above the neckline of her gown. The gown in question matched the colour of the flowers well, though the width of the crinoline supported skirt would have made you concerned about the logistics of dancing with her- if you'd had any intention of saying yes. Her cheeks were tinted pink as she chewed her bottom lip and waited for your answer, avoiding your gaze. A hand on your chest and a sincerely apologetic look on your face, you began to respond. "Oh dear. I'm terribly sorry, but you seem to have gotten the wrong end of the stick. You're a very attractive young lady but I'm afraid... how should I put this," You glanced at Luka for help, but he seemed to have no idea what you were trying to tell her, "I'm afraid I don't tend to set my eye on the ladies, so to speak." "You're... gay?" A sympathetic nod. "That's the ticket. Sorry, love." "Oh, it's not a problem! I'm really sorry to have bothered you!" She suddenly looked much less nervous, though a little embarrassed, and scurried off. You sighed. "I feel a little bad. I really hope she finds someone to dance with." Luka looked at you quizzically. "Why did you lie to her?" A confused laugh escaped you. "I'm sorry?" "You told her you were into guys. Why lie?" As he said this, Seth and Fenrir came up behind him, and hearing his question their eyebrows shot up. So did yours. Was he kidding? "Luka, sweetie, you have got to tell me what part of my personality made you think I was heterosexual, so I can set about changing it immediately." Seth choked on his drink, and though you flashed him a grin, you weren't entirely kidding. Going from Victorian London to a world where being gay was perfectly acceptable had been quite the change, but you'd been certain all of your friends had known. It's not like you were quiet about it, and sure, Luka was naive but... come on, now. "Wait are you... you were being honest?" "Yes?" "Luka," Fenrir began, stepping next to you and resting an elbow on your shoulder, "How have you seriously not noticed that he's gay yet?" "Well- there was no reason for me to assume!" "You watched me drunk make out with at least 2 different Black Army soldiers in my first month here!" Luka looked flustered, and utterly dumbfounded. The expression was one he wore often, usually when people insinuated that someone was in love- but somehow about five times more confused. He was unfortunate enough that Ray and Sirius returned at this moment, just in time to hear both your last remark, and his next one.

"I thought that was just something you did when you were drunk?" In another moment you were on your knees, legs shaking so much from laughter that you couldn't hold yourself up any longer. Fenrir was right there beside you, practically convulsing. Everyone else was laughing too- except poor Luka. You felt a little bad, truly you did, but this had to be the funniest thing you had ever heard. "He's completely straight, but watch out! Get a couple drinks in him and he turns fruity!" Fenrir managed to get out between cackles, and Ray was glad to have put your drinks down when Luka had last spoken, because he too nearly fell to the ground at this.

"Luka- Luka I'm sorry." You pulled yourself to your feet, wrapping an arm around his shoulders. "We aren't laughing at you." Another fit of giggles overcame you. "Okay we kind of are, but it's not malicious or anything. That was just... hands down the funniest thing you've ever said." It took most of you 5 or so minutes to fully calm down from what he'd said, and anything that jogged your memories of it would bring you back to a state of uncontrollable laughter for the rest of the night. Luka came round to it being pretty funny after you talked him through the dozens of times you'd mentioned your sexuality to him since you'd met- every one of which had gone over his head.

Hours after the party had worn down and you'd all made your way home, you lay in bed, your head pressed against a familiar chest, and sighed. "What's up?" "I just... D'you think anyone else just hasn't realised?" Ray cocked his head, confused. "I'm gonna need a little more info than that, kitten." "I suppose I just... Back in London, it's not even legal to be gay, and I don't know if it ever will be. When I first came out to Fen, he told me that it was fine here, accepted and even celebrated. So, I guess I just thought that people wouldn't make the automatic assumption that I'm straight, y'know? I mean I talk about it a lot among you guys but- when I’m out and about... where do people think my final destination is? When I pick up a silly cat themed gift for you does the shopkeep think I’m buying it for my wife? It shouldn't be a big deal, I guess, but I'd never been able to be myself until I came here, and now it's like I can be me but... people will still only see who I am if I tell them. It's just weird is all. I dunno. Maybe I'm drunk." "You're not drunk. It's an understandable concern. I guess I've never thought about it, because whether or not people would accept that part of me has never been an issue, but the fact that you've had to hide it for so long and now that you're able to be open people still aren't seeing it must be hard. If you want we could... come out, so to speak?" Your eyebrows raised, and you moved back, propping yourself up on your arm so you could look your partner in the eyes.

It had been decided at the very start of your relationship, which had officially begun a few months after you'd made the choice to stay in Cradle, that the two of you would keep it under wraps for a while. Being from the Land of Reason was more than enough reason for people to take an unwanted interest in you, and you didn't need the extra attention being the King of Spades' partner would garner. Plus, anyone with a grudge against Ray would see you as a target the second you announced it. It had been a sensible suggestion on his part, one you hadn't hesitated to agree to, and as far as you knew only Sirius and Fenrir knew about your relationship. Fenrir because he had walked in on you sitting in Ray's lap while he worked late one night, and Sirius because- well, can anything get past that guy? And now, Ray was offering to tell the entirety of Cradle you were his, just so that you didn't feel like you were hiding your identity anymore? You could feel your eyes starting to burn, and you cursed the late hour and the alcohol in your system for making you cry so easily, but... "I don't think we need to be that drastic. You were right when you said it would keep me safe for us to not be in the public eye, at least for now. I'm sure Seth can come up with some better way for me to tell the whole world I'm gay." "I don't doubt that at all." Ray grinned, placing a gentle kiss on first your forehead, then your nose, and finally on your lips. "Tomorrow, though. You need your beauty sleep." "Ah, yeah, can't risk getting ugly. My boyfriend might not want me anymore." You quipped. "Exactly." He smirked at you, turning out the light and pulling you into his arms.

#🌙. by me #new fandom lads lets go! #i had a migraine earlier and now i cant remember how i tag fics help #ikemen revolution #ikerev #ikerev x reader #ikemen revolution x reader #ikerev x mc #ikemen revolution x mc #ray blackwell #ray blackwell x reader #ray blackwell x mc #☆ ikerev #♥️; ray blackwell

[olivieblake]

when i first read TCG, i was excited to find out that NottGrass was endgame and as the story progressed, to be perfectly honest, I was slightly disappointed that kids were not in their future. re-reading it now along with the sequel, i've come to find that i actually like how you wrote that for them. as someone who doesn't see kids in her future, the way you wrote daphne and how supportive theo was of her just resonated with me so, thanks for that.

I know you’re essentially agreeing with me but since this is my opportunity to defend that outcome as a writing choice, I’m going to explain it!

daphne in the Commoner’s Guide-verse is extraordinarily resist to almost all convention. she resists EVERYTHING, at every possible opportunity: her feelings for theo, the possibility of a relationship with him, a conventional wedding, and, of course, motherhood. this story is in many ways primarily about the three women in the story, all of which fall on a spectrum of the female experience. in the beginning, when they’re in their early 20s, all three agree that motherhood isn’t for them. I think, personally, that’s reflective of a generation of educated women who understand that having children means either setting dreams aside or putting them temporarily on hold. (when I was 21, a female professor warned me that if I wanted to be taken seriously in academia, I shouldn’t have children; she listed off names of female professors who had been denied tenure or denied promotions because the male faculty heads “didn’t trust them” to put their work before their children. the professor herself had not had children with the husband she’d been married to since the age of 18, and now channels her nurturing towards fostering dogs.)

anyway, obviously we see their minds change and attitudes soften. pansy has no choice—what happens to her is kind of thrown at her and then she adjusts to it very quickly. that form of love comes easily to her, and for very personal reasons (as you can see in her chapter) her role as a wife and mother becomes the most important thing in her life. she, unlike hermione and daphne, almost never resists what is expected of her—she goes so far as to nearly marry a man she doesn’t love just to have the weight of expectations fulfilled and therefore lifted from her shoulders. I would argue that choosing harry for her one (1) episode of rebellion reflects a love for him she’s had all along—it proves at the very least that she has always trusted him to be there for her—and when everything does come together for her, it’s only because she let go for the first time in her life. that’s neither here nor there; I just like pointing it out.

hermione is the centrist in a lot of ways. she loves one man deeply but doesn’t love what that relationship means for her future. she wants to pursue her career but she can’t bring herself to give him up for it, so she forces allowances when she can; she takes advantage of every opportunity for hesitation and she reasons her way gradually into her decisions—only after she has reconciled all possible implications for herself. she is the perfect example of “you will change your mind about motherhood,” because she will. her mind changes all the time. her marriage with draco will eventually provide her with the sense that she’s ready, even if it doesn’t come easily.

but daphne is my opportunity to be fair to the women who are tired of “you will change your mind.” it’s outrageously presumptuous. for most of my life I never wanted children and I can’t tell you how many times I felt I was being dismissed out of hand, like it wasn’t possible I might know myself well enough to know what I wanted. we KNOW daphne has struggled with this decision; it brings her to tears in the story and I hope that tension is felt when you read it. she thought theo was going to leave her for it, but notice she doesn’t say she’s willing to have a baby to keep him—she asks him not to leave her, but she doesn’t try to bargain with him to make him stay. at the risk of losing the love of her life, she tells him, straight up, it’s not for her, and because theo loves her and understands her, he not only accepts this but supports it. (this is actually a frustration I have with Brooklyn 99—there were very good reasons for amy to say she didn’t want children and while I think they wrote it in because the actress is actually pregnant, I was very, very disappointed that the character so flippantly changed her mind. for her specifically, rising in her career WILL be put off by motherhood, and I hope they represent that in a real way.) 

plenty of women either choose not to have children or can’t have children. my purpose in writing daphne this way is to make it clear that babies do not make a family. babies do not make a happily ever after. there will be plenty of babies in the story (we haven’t even addressed blaise, by the way), but to pretend that a tender, maternal love can only exist when there’s a baby in the picture is to willfully ignore the lives and realities of many, many women. 

on a personal note, I’m a woman in a happy marriage who gets bugged about having kids all the time by literally everyone. I have always hated this, though recently I’ve felt an internal shift. now I look at my husband and think okay, I’m ready now. because I feel secure and safe in this love, because I never have to question it or doubt it, because he has shown me in all the ways that mean something to me that he is ready to stand by my side through anything, I’m ready and strong enough to share that love with someone else. I feel for the first time in my life that I’m not too selfish to be a mother. for the first time, it excites me to think of the many wonderful things in the world I can show to someone who is seeing them for the first time. my husband, I know, is also ready. I know he looks at me from time to time and pauses to wonder what it will look like to raise someone with my quick temper and my sense of humor and my eyes. but, that being said, I’m also at an age where I’ve seen other women struggle with infertility, so while he and I are still coming to a place where we feel financially capable of raising a baby, I also understand it might not happen. (I also struggle morally with whether it’s responsible to procreate right now, but… let’s not get into that.) also, it’s just never a guarantee; god laughs at our plans, as my mother says. so as much as I look forward to the possibility of being a mother, I also know it either might not come easily or might not come for some time, or it might come in a different way, like through adoption or fostering. that sense of finding the right love story—whatever that story is and whether it does or doesn’t look like other love stories—is something I do want to reflect in my work whenever possible.

for what it’s worth, nottgrass have been parents in other works; Reunion Part IV springs to mind, and Mousetrap. I definitely understand the impulse to see a very conventional form of happily ever after, but I don’t think it’s fair to represent only those stories, so I hope all this makes sense!

#the commoner's guide to bedding a royal #tcg spoilers #tcg 2 #the princess's guide to popular statecraft #gratuitous personal information #reunion #mousetrap #amortentia #characterization #Anonymous

[ruthlezz-sinz-truthbetold-blog]

DUALITY: Twitter the Social Media Shitter & the Jim Crow of the Social Media show

                 ✓✓

   I remember in the not to distant past, that Twitter was on the brink of complete failure and possible bankruptcy.  I also remember it was an app that I had signed up for like most other social media apps on the scene, but didn't really care about it- and I didn't really see where it would benefit me at all-at that time, so I didn't use it-I just let that account be inactive.

And to be quite honest, I had never known or cared that Donald Trump was on Twitter until 2016.  

So, because millions of people figured out what I had about tracking Trump for whatever reason, Twitter started to flourish.  

✓

Seeing how blatantly ignorant, racist and vile he is-there was NO WAY I was going to take my eyes off of what he was saying or doing, because he is a LETHAL MALIGNANCY and the only place he can bully or interact like the pussy-ass pussygrabber he is-is on Twitter.

Twitter alleges that it has policies and procedures against HATE SPEECH and violence, discrimination, etc...but that is completely untrue!  

It's not a problem for him as long as he's making money from Twitter--that's how far his patriotism goes-to his pocket.

✓

If that were the case, Trump wouldn't have had an account in the first place-his hate speech goes way back and yet, as many people like I have reported his tweets, his account has absolutely positively never been suspended and not only that, the owner of Twitter has refused to even speak about the things that Donald Trump says or tweets; even if it mobilizes his MAGA cult idiots to slaughter people, he just doesn't care.

  On a personal note, I have been trying my hand at starting and maintaining my own business or businesses if possible, for a few years now.

Trump is Twitter's pimp, and Twitter is proudly and thankfully Trump's bottom-bitch.

I figured since I was always so willing to work hard for other people/companies-who in the end didn't appreciate it-I might as well work that hard for myself; to promote myself and my talents, so that's what I did. 

Admittedly, I may have had dreams of grandeur, but I never stopped trying or dreaming.  

Whilst on Twitter because of Donald Trump and only because of Donald Trump-I learned how the app was used, how it worked and things like that.

I created several accounts which is perfectly fine supposedly under Twitter's rules-you can create several accounts under one phone number.  So I did that, I'd create 3 accounts--two for business and one that was political; and I kept getting suspended and once they suspend one account, they suspend them all-don't give you any reason, they don't give you any way to be able to actually get the account unsuspended & they don't ever feel that they've done anything wrong so you either stay off of Twitter or create another account and I've done that at least four times.

I've seen these MAGA cult LOSERS threaten people, talking about having a gun and how it would be a shame if such-and-such happened to you-I've seen literal written threats to people and as much as we in the RESISTANCE have teamed up to report these accounts, they were never suspended-why not?

I've created several accounts at least four times and have been suspended each time.  What I find interesting about that, is that I have personally, with my own eyes witnessed Trump followers wish death upon Senator John McCain when he was still alive. I responded telling them how absolutely despicable they were for saying such a thing and my accounts were suspended!

Why would I pay you money to suspend my accounts if I say something with my inherited free speech that you don't like?

What really cracks me up is the fact that Twitter actually expects people to advertise through them.

They definitely make it hard as hell for you to get the check mark verification, so why should anyone who is anti-Trump waste their time and their money?

It is quite clear that Twitter has chosen sides & they have chosen to ignore their own policies and procedures when it comes to implementing them fairly;

they are completely team Trump, and they support ANY EGREGIOUS, ATROCIOUS, DESPICABLE thing Trump says or does-they are proud to broadcast it with no LIMITATIONS or HESITATIONS;

Trump is their savior and that, is what makes Twitter without a doubt, the social media shitter-the commode to the abyss!

Twitter-present, resembles the Jim Crow era. They are shamelessly the bully pulpit by which Trump communicates with his cult followers all over the world and one he uses to spew the most vile and disgusting utterances;

and his following- follows in their master's footsteps, because let's face it, they aren't missing any MENSA meetings that's for sure-but teeth and brain cells on the other hand...well that's another story.

Twitter has chosen to step on free speech when it's speech against the kingdom of MAGA and it's imbecile of a leader, King Kompromat.  

But when it comes to Trump, he can say the most disgusting things about raping women or assaulting them-- about them not being his type to rape or assault, he can say the most vile things to our allies, he can tell duly elected congresswomen of color to go back to their countries, he can call African nations shithole countries, he can call black athletes sons of bitches, he can mobilize his base of brain-dead idiots to kill people in Church, Temples and Mosques--and Twitter has not a single problem in the world with it, NOT ONE!

So, I think Twitter has clearly shown they are now and always the original Jim Crow of the social media show-they allow the devil to have his way allowing openly RACIST Trump and his MAGAts what they wouldn't from anyone else;

Twitter is the TRUMP/MAGA leech on free speech.

✓✓✓✓

{thank you for reading}

[spoonmebabyy]

She was on her way to becoming a college graduate

Wouldn't even stop to talk to the average kid

The type of Latina I'd sit and contemplate marriage with

Fuck the horse and carriage shit, her love was never for hire

Disciplined, intellectual beauty's what I desire

Flyer than Salma Hayek or Jennifer Lopez

Everyone told me, kicking it to her was hopeless

At first I just thought, she didn't mess with broke kids

The thug niggas always talking about, how they smoke kids

But the rich-sniff-coke kids got no play

"I'm not even interested, " is what her body language would say

Everyone around the way, gave up trying to get in it

It didn't matter how good your game was, she wasn't with it

On the block, bitches was jealous, but wouldn't admit it

Talk shit, and deny to everyone that they did it

Cause they regretted the long list of niggas that they let hit it

And no one ever gave them shit except McDonald's and did-dick

Smoking weed with thoughts of envy, whenever they lit it

She spoke intelligently and they bit it, always trying to copy

But when they tried to use her vocab they sounded sloppy

She had a style, all her own, respectful and pure

I was sick in the head for her, and there wasn't a cure

Don't you know that, time waits for no man

My fate, it's all planned

I'm blessed just to know you

I've loved and I've lost just to hold you all night

Can't find, a reason why

God came, between you and I

If I had the chance again, I'd never let you go

Hold tight to your love, cause you never know

Her eyes are brown and beautiful, yet empty and sad

I used to talk to her occasionally, and she was glad

That I wasn't just another nigga trying to get in it

So every now and then we'd stop and talk for a minute

I didn't have a gimmick so the minutes turned to hours

On her birthday, I gave her a poem with flowers

Then I took her out to dinner after her cousin's baby shower

We talked about, power to the people and such

We spent more time together but it was never enough

I never tried to sneak a touch, or even cop a feel

I was too interested, in keeping it real

Perfectly honest and complete, she would always call me "cariño"

And never Technique, bought me a new book to read every 2 or 3 weeks

Forever changing the expression of my thoughts when I speak

It was because of her, I even deaded all of my freaks

She convinced me, to stop hanging out on the streets

To stop robbing and stealing, from people like you

Instead I took her out to the Apollo and the Bronx Zoo

Museo del Barrio and the Metropolitan too

Got to the point when I was either with her or my crew

So I decided one day, to tell her my feelings was true

I couldn't live without her so I told her, facing my fears

But honey's only response, was a face full of tears

She could only sob hysterically, holding me tight

I tried to speak, but she wouldn't stop until I left sight

I felt like a moth who got himself too close to the light

Except I didn't burn, I turned cold after that night

Don't you know that, time waits for no man

My fate, it's all planned

I'm blessed just to know you

I've loved and I've lost just to hold you all night

Can't find, a reason why

God came, between you and I

If I had the chance again, I'd never let you go

Hold tight to your love, cause you never know

I went on with my life, college and my career

Ended up locked up like an animal for a year

Where the C.O.'s talk to you like they were the overseer

Then I got sent to the hole, when my exit was near

At night in my cell, I'd close my eyes and I'd see her

Hold her close in my dreams, but when I woke she disappeared

Just an empty cell until the state gave me parole in the summer

Came back, in tact and on track

But the fact of the matter, is I still felt cold

Even after my mother, hugged me, crying at home

My real niggas would catch me thinking, outta my zone

Fucking lots of different women, but I still felt alone

Relatively well-known around the New York underground

But I kept thinking of her and how we used to be down

The sound of her voice, and the beautiful smell of her hair

Though gone physically, somehow it was still there

I had to do something, because the shit was too much to bear

So I went and visited the building where she used to live

The world looks a lot different after you do a bid

The way your life done changed

While primitive minds are still stuck in the same game

Like her cousin who was on the corner slanging cocaine

Stepped in the lobby and tapped the button next to her last name

Her mom buzzed me up and hugged me up, like a mother ought to

But her facial expression changed, when I asked about her daughter

Don't you know that, time waits for no man

My fate, it's all planned

I'm blessed just to know you

I've loved and I've lost just to hold you all night

Can't find, a reason why

God came, between you and I

If I had the chance again, I'd never let you go

Hold tight to your love, cause you never know

She told me that there was a note for me, that was left behind

She had left it there waiting, for such a long time

I was inclined to ask about it but she brought it up first

I saw a tear swelling up in her eye, and then she cursed

She told me where the letter was and I started thinking the worst

Reversed my position, stepped over and opened the door

And sure enough there was an envelope with my name on the floor

"Nobody loves you more than me, cariño" is what the letter said

"By the time you get to read this, I'll probably be dead

But when you left in '97 a part of me went to Heaven

I thank God at least I got to know what love really was

But it hurt me, to see what true love really does

Cause even though we never made love, you were all that there was

It was because I loved you so much that I had to make you leave

You made me doubt the way I thought, you made me want to believe

And then I slipped up, and I let you get close to me

It was hard to not be openly when people spoke to me

This was not the way I thought my life was supposed to be

Baby don't you see, I had a blood transfusion that left me with HIV

Hope didn't exist for me since late in 1993

I died a virgin, I wish I could've given myself to you

I cried in the hospital because there was no one else but you

Promise that you'll meet me in paradise inevitably

No matter what, I'll keep your love forever with me"

What happened for the rest of the day is still a blur

But I remember wishing that I was dead, instead of her

She was buried on August 3rd

The story ends without a sequel

And now you know why Technique, don't fucking fall in love with people

Hold the person that you love closely if they're next to you

The one you love, not the person that'll simply have sex with you

Appreciate them to the fullest extent, and then beyond

Cause you never really know what you got, until it's gone

#love #music #quote #girl #sad #inspirational #inspire