#to be transparent i don’t personally suffer from any of these disorders although i do have ppl close to me who have/do | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

sky-berrie · 3 years

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How would the batboys react to a female SO with Paranoid Personality Disorder?

Hi there!

Thanks so much for the ask. I hope this is okay :)

-Sky

Bruce

As a person living with paranoid personality disorder, you might be terrified that people are out to harm you. Your place of residence, Gotham city, does nothing but exacerbate your paranoid thought patterns, since criminals run rampant through the streets. It’s hard to distinguish between paranoid thoughts and substantiated concerns. Is that sketchy person with the full face covering one of Black Mask’s False Face Society members sent to abduct you, or are they just a conscientious citizen taking extra precautions to avoid contracting or transmitting the COVID virus? Being in a state of constant fear prevents you from living your life to the fullest. Luckily, your S/O happens to be Batman in his free time.

Bruce eases your mind just with his presence. He’s probably the smartest, strongest, and most resourceful person you know and being with him makes you feel safe. Bruce is the kind of person who you’d blindly listen to during an emergency – if he told you to jump out of a burning plane, you’d do it without a second thought because he’s never let you down in the past and you’re confident that he never will in the future. If you’re feeling fearful in public, Bruce will grab your hand or put an arm around you securely and soothingly whisper in your ear that he’s right here and there’s nothing to worry about. Having paranoid thoughts means that it’s difficult to reason with you, so you probably aren’t convinced that there is no threat, but you do experience some relief from his soft touch and gentle words. He’ll ask if you want to leave and he’ll take you to your safe space. If you’re feeling fearful in private, Bruce will hold you close and rub your back to reduce your anxiety. If you’re by yourself and start to have those racing, panicked paranoid thoughts, you can always call Bruce. He’ll drop whatever he is doing and come take care of you.

Bruce will teach you self defense to help you feel more comfortable around people. He won’t arm you with any dangerous weapons because he doesn’t want an innocent person to get hurt if you get spooked. Bruce will ask if you want to move into the manor since it has strong security and comes with several vigilantes. If you would rather stay at your own place, Bruce will install a variety of safety systems to make you feel protected. He’ll even spend most nights at your place so you can sleep peacefully. Overall, Bruce is like your lifeline. He’ll know just what to do to help you through your difficult thoughts.

Dick

Dick is a social butterfly who’s had his fair share of romantic partners in the past so it’s natural for you to feel jealous when he spends time with other people. Dick will adamantly declare that he’s with you and only you. At first you might try to ignore the prickly feeling of jealousy because you don’t want to come off as a possessive S/O, but the clues accumulate and suggest that he’s cheating on you. For example, he’ll rarely spend the night with you. You’ll catch him sneaking into bed at ungodly hours of the morning. When confronted, he’ll make up an excuse that he just went to get a drink of water or use the bathroom. You’ll spot bruises scattered over his chest knowing you definitely did not leave those there. He’ll play it off as a gym injury.

When you raise your suspicions, Dick is hesitant to explain. You take this as confirmation of infidelity and you’re ready to walk out. At that point, he has no choice but to come clean about his secret identity as Nightwing. That sounds farfetched and you likely think he’s a pathological liar. Finally, Dick proves it to you and explains that he didn’t want you to be dragged into his dangerous nightlife. While you accept that as the truth, you’ll always wonder if he’s hiding more secrets. Furthermore, you’re probably pissed that he was gaslighting you. Dick will do everything he can to make it up to you. He’ll apologize profusely and in extravagant ways, be more transparent, and shower you with excessive love and affection. It might take a long time, but eventually Dick will worm his way back into your good graces.

It doesn’t take long for the green-eyed monster to rear its’ ugly head again. Now that you’re in the know, you’re hyperaware of the attractive vigilantes that Dick works with and it’s emotionally draining to be jealous all the time. You don’t want to be the type of person who tries to control their partner’s life, but when the suffering becomes too much to bear, you might ask him to stop seeing certain people. Dick will calmly assure you that there isn’t anything going on with any of his vigilante friends. If that doesn’t appease you, he’ll suggest that you hang out with the team and get to know them. He hopes that you’ll see that there aren’t any romantic feelings between them. Whatever you do, please don’t force him to choose between you and his hero life. It will tear him apart.

Jason

Trust is very important to Jason. He doesn’t trust many people as it is and needs a S/O who he can trust wholeheartedly and who will trust him in return. He believes that this relationship will fail if you don’t have confidence in each other. He’ll take it personally if you distrust him. Jason will get defensive and frustrated if you accuse him of being unfaithful, especially if you don’t have a shred of evidence to support your claims. He’ll be offended and deeply hurt that you think so negatively of him but once he’s had some time to cool off, he’ll be able to process everything more objectively. He’ll accept that you can’t control the way you feel. You’d explained it to him once that you do trust him, but there’s a separate voice in your head that tells you otherwise. Jason won’t give up on you though. He’ll come up with a proposition - he’ll agree to install a tracking app on his phone so you can monitor his whereabouts if you’ll promise to work on learning to trust him, whether it be via professional psychotherapy or reading self-help books.

On the other hand, if Jason is one of the only people you trust, he’ll be elated to know that you two have built such a strong connection. It’ll be easy to confide in him because he’ll gladly listen to your worried thoughts with no judgement. At first, he’ll reassure you that nothing bad is going to happen to you – he’s Red Hood and nobody is going to pull anything on you if they value their life. Eventually he’ll realize that trying to reason with you isn’t helpful so he’ll stick to active listening when you’re experiencing paranoid thoughts.

However, if Jason is fresh out of the pit and emotionally unstable, you two will probably bond over your mutual distrust and cynicism about the world. Although you and Jason will get along exceptionally well, it’s possible that your irrational thoughts may feed each other’s paranoia and exacerbate the feelings of mistrust and suspicion. If you find yourself unable to let things go, feel free to vent away when you’re with Jason. He is the king of holding grudges, so he’ll probably support you and even join in on trash talking that person with you when you’re angry. Learning to forgive and forget is something you and Jason can work on together. In a way, it brings you two closer together since you understand each other on a level that others can’t begin to comprehend.

Tim

Tim very compassionate and patient; however, he’s afraid of triggering you so he’s often walking on eggshells around you. He just wants to be the perfect supportive S/O for you and doesn’t want to mess up the relationship. His worst offense (in your eyes) is using ambiguous language that lends to multiple interpretations. For example, he might innocently compliment your clothes/hair/makeup and you might assume that he only likes you for your appearance or that he’s implying that you’re vain for wanting to look nice. The moment you shoot him daggers, he’s realized his mistake and starts to furiously backpedal. He tries to explain himself, but he usually ends up digging himself a deeper hole. Eventually, he gets better at expressing his thoughts carefully so that they can’t be misconstrued.

Tim diligently tries to learn your other triggers and how to help. When you’re stuck in a cycle of paranoid thoughts, Tim will get you to focus on what’s real instead of trying to make you see sense. He’ll help you relax by walking you through breathing exercises, playing soothing music, or whatever strategies you find helpful.

Tim isn’t proud of this, but he’s resorted to deceiving you when necessary. For instance, if you’re experiencing paranoid thought patterns and want to be alone, Tim will hesitantly leave, but he’ll probably secretly monitor you only because he’s worried about your safety. If you’re afraid that others are reading your mind, he might pretend that he invented an anti-mindreading helmet to ease your suspicions. He knows you would feel betrayed if you ever found out about his dishonesty, but he reasons that your safety and comfort are more important in the moment.

Damian

Arguments with Damian are brutal. No matter how insignificant the disagreement is, Damian refuses to back down when he believes he’s right. Paired with your own stubbornness and contentiousness, these quarrels generally result in an impasse. Eventually your anger subsides and the depression sinks in. You might assume that Damian doesn’t love you anymore and that fight was the end of your relationship. Maybe you start packing your belongings to move out right away. Damian comes up behind you and asks what you’re doing. When you tell him that you’re leaving because he doesn’t want you anymore, he’s instantly remorseful. He takes your bags out of your hands and proceeds to pull you in close as he tells you how much he loves you. He assures you that two people can disagree and still love each other.

Damian doesn’t want to argue with you and he certainly doesn’t want to see you upset so he’ll always excuse himself before the argument becomes too heated. He hopes that some time apart will allow you both to calm down and come to a compromise, but it’s never that simple. Most of the time, you’ll need a third-party mediator, like a therapist, to resolve your dispute. The act of seeking out a therapist will be a huge accomplishment for your relationship. Damian likes his privacy and doesn’t want someone else in his business and you might be afraid to share intimate information with a stranger in fear that it will be used against you. Nevertheless, you both want to make this relationship work, so you’ll continue to seek help.

Damian has a habit of being blunt. He doesn’t mean to criticize or insult you – in his mind, he is only stating the facts or his opinion for the purpose of helping you improve. Despite his goodhearted intentions, it’s easy for you to take his comments the wrong way and perceive it as a personal attack. If he sees that his remarks have upset you, he’ll acknowledge all the positive aspects of your performance. Still, you might cling to the disparaging comments and ignore the praise. Going forward, Damian will try to be more encouraging and constructive and will only express feedback if you invite him to do so.

#batfam headcanons #batfam x y/n #batfam x reader #batboys headcanons #batboys x reader #batboys x y/n #bruce wayne headcanon #dick grayson headcanon #jason todd headcanon #tim drake headcanon #batfamily headcanons #batfamily x y/n #batfamily x reader #bruce wayne #dick grayson #jason todd #time drake #Damian Wayne #robinchicklets

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ducavalentinos · 4 years

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I’m working on the borgia asks my lovely anon(s) send me about Cesare and I’m writing here and reading some quotes and I just had random thought:

Cesare’s biographers, Borgia biographers in general, usually claim that Cesare’s good administration of the Romagna, his consideration for the inhabitants of the cities he conquered had nothing to do with any genuine personal concern of his. It was just egotist and pragmatic measures to ensure the favour of the people to his side, and so making it easier to establish and maintain his power in these places. And here’s the thing: They’re not entirely wrong, it would be hard to deny he acted on his self-interest,—not that it really matters tbh since in politics, at least as far as I’m concerned, concrete actions weighs more than intentions when making a judgment of a government. Intentions are nothing but an sketch, what truly impacts people lives in the end, are actions. And on that front, it’s equally hard to deny (although some scholars do try) that Cesare’s actions were positive for the Romagna—but then again I don’t think it’s so black and white as they make it seem.

A quote from of Julius Caesar’s biographer, Cesare’s role model and hero, gets closer to the political mind and the complexity of both men:

“Caesar was a paradox as a politician. On one hand his priority was always Caesar. He wanted to advance himself. But on the other hand, instead of always supporting the side of the wealth and powerful, he would try to extend more benefits to ordinary people.” - Barry Strauss.

Of course Cesare put himself and his family first, of course he was ambitious and he wanted to advance himself, and it is a wise to make your subjects love you instead of hating you, there’s a pragmatic, some would even say opportunistic side to that, or even a sort of a “populist policy” even though the term populist is a confusing one with many definitions, and it is sometimes used pejoratively or as a synonymous for demagogy too, and I have my own disagreements with that on some cases, but in Cesare’s case in particular, it’s clear he is linked to these political concepts because he was a charismatic and strong leader, who was popular among his subjects, and whose policies tended to benefit them more than previous rulers who exploited them with heavy taxes with little return towards their stability or safety of their goods and lives, and oppressed them violently if they dared to complain. In a way, Cesare was following his father's policy along with a more than evident influenced policy from his mancrush mentioned above.

But at the same time, just as Bradford concedes to Lucrezia, that when she had the opportunity to express herself, she would prove to be compassionate and good (and she followed both her brother and father's policies as well at Spoleto and Ferrara so yeah it was a family thing) the same can and should also be applied to Cesare. With the administrative measures he took in the Romagna, a case could be made that although his actions might have been the result of a pragmatic policy, they could also have been the result of his own convictions about governing, and a genuine concern. We can see that wherever he was in position of power, he proved to be good, compassionate and just for those under his rule, while his alleged "cruelty" was as Woodward says: “severity of the sort needed to repress crime and to nip political disorders in the bud.” Otherwise peace and prosperity are impossible and you cannot govern at all. These different notions can coexist, it doesn’t have to be one or the other and I think it’s a more reasonable assessment than to say he was your “typical demagogue” as Deus misleadingly describes him, or that everything he did was only for selfish reasons. Clearly it wasn't, Leslie Garner in his work about Cesare acknowledges that, and he was hardly a sympathizer of him.

We know that he listened patiently to all the complaints made by the inhabitants of Forlì, even though he didn’t really had to do that, he could have listened for a few hours maybe, and then delegated to someone else on his staff. If his concern was only a front to gain popular support as it is assumed, that would have had sufficed imo. His popularity wouldn’t have suffered because just the mere fact someone was listening to them at all was, in itself, a suprise for these citizens. But he made it a point to be there himself through the whole thing, and to also punish his own men in order to give them, his new subjects, justice. That shows his commitment to some degree, it shows he was deathly serious about his bans against any plunder or violence against the citizens, it wasn’t just pretty words to please them and later on forgetten, surprisingly. He did that more than once. It was important to him that things were done right, and that justice was made. Even Sacerdote, who like Leslie Garner, was hardly a sympathizer of Cesare and his family, has to grant him that he was "a lover of justice" and we see it through his own letters as well.

If Cesare appealed to the masses exclusively for his own ambition and benefit, which sometimes leads to a ludicrous comparison to Nero for example lol, since he is known as that type of emperor (most likely unjustly) it would have been more transparent imo, eventually the true colors of a leader make themselves known, esp. considering all eyes were on Cesare, all the time. His efforts to administer his duchy alongside his close proximity, and the time he spent with citizens of Cesena, Imola, Forlì, to the point that he even criticized by the members of the elite and had to tone it down because oh my god! a ruler cannot be this acessible these peasants! what is this?! The scandal! was as much part of a clever policy as it was a characteristic of his person and his own preferements.

It’s almost impossible not to notice that he actually seemed to prefer the company of 1) his Spaniards and 2) his romagnols subjects than that of nobles and their ambassadors, which could help explain in part why he made himself so hard to be accessed by them. And honestly I can’t say I blame him. I too, would rather be in the company of people that wouldn’t just love to stab me to death if they could, or regarded themselves superior to me because of their ancient bloodline, or that I knew that in my presence they were all compliments and smiles, but the moment they walked out the door, they would keep insulting me and my family and writing half truths or lies about me.

The point is: as with everything concerning Cesare, it’s almost never one thing or the other, just as his actions can not be explained by one reason alone. It's an ensemble of many factors, from his personal feelings to his own personal set of beliefs and vision, to his political thinking, and the ever-changing political scenarios around him. And I think his administration goes into that, a lot. More than anything else in his life I’d say.

#césar borgia #cesare borgia #borgia thoughts #of course i'm not claiming here it was some sort of renaissance lenin djsjdsjds (oh god the thought makes me laugh......)#just to be clear he wasn't #he couldn't have been because again he was a product of his times and his own environment #but i really do think that for a man of his rank his actions shows an unusual care for his states and subjects #that goes beyond just pragmatic thinking and ambition #i remember back when i was reading woodward's work and getting more info about his administration #and just feeling suprised at his personal involvement in everything that concerned his states #like he devoted a considerable amount of time tending to every issue or petition and just you know administering these places #he truly.......cared about what he was doing and about being just #and bringing about some minor but significant changes that greatly improved the lives of ordinary people #it's actually the exact opposite of what Collenuccio claims in that one report from urbino iirc #saying that cesare was good at acquring territories but not so much on governing them #he was all about acquring and maintaning these territories with efficient and just administration #it's pretty amazing and it's the key reason why he's my fave

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firebirdscratches · 6 years

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Thought process on designing a Fat Pride Flag

So, the only existing fat pride flag I’m aware of is this one:

Unfortunately, it is a Fat Fetish Flag. Full explanation can be found here: https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:FatFetishFlag.png I’m not judging people who have Fat Fetishes, but I think it’s unacceptable that in 2018, the only Fat Pride Flag that exists represents people who fetishize us, and not US. So, I’ve decided to design my own. I thought the idea of the Neopolitan Ice Cream colors was cute, actually. But I don’t think the flag should be food-related. While reclaiming stereotypes can be really powerful, the notion that fat people eat poorly or only eat junk food is just that - a stereotype. Also, it can be really triggering for survivors/current sufferers of eating disorders, which absolutely affect the fat community at saddening rates. In fact, many fat people are in recovery from eating disorders, having disrupted their body’s natural metabolism over years of trauma. *waves hello* I thought about having the outline of a fat body on a rainbow flag - but there are straight fat people too, and they deserve to feel Fat Pride as well. Being a queer person myself, of course gayness matters to me...I just think this is an important area to be inclusive. The final design of the flag should be able to be easily combined with other flags to express the diversity of our community, should people choose to include other aspects of their identity, like their sexuality, race, or gender identity. I’ve thought up a couple images and made some quick n’ dirty sketches under the readmore

- A cornucopia. While I wanted to steer away from food, I feel like this is vague enough not to be triggering? Something like this maybe?

I feel like a cornucopia represents ampleness, generosity, plenty - all positive associations with “bigness.” On the other hand, cornucopias automatically conjure up Thanksgiving, a time inextricably tied to food, and overeating, which could be triggering...and again, there is technically food in that picture. I could do an EMPTY cornucopia, but that sends the image of famine and lack, so....maybe not. (Also cornucopias are really varied in the way they’re drawn, usually intricate, and would be difficult to recreate consistently). - A whale. I KNOW, I KNOW, but part of pride can be found in reclaiming words and imagery that have been used against us as slurs and making them a point of pride, rendering them useless as a slur, the way the word “queer” was reclaimed, or other slurs being reclaimed by members of specific communities. I’m thinking maybe a sea blue stripe - to represent the ocean in its vastness, diversity, and life-giving properties. (Again, positive associations with bigness) and the outline of a whale as a radical reclaiming of an insult that was hurled against us. Whales are also deeply family-bonded, nurturing, graceful animals that are unjustly hunted and persecuted, and who are SUPPOSED to be big. It’d also be very easy to overlay on a different pride flag color scheme, to incorporate other identities. Maybe something like this?

Stripe color is #5899b8, ocean colored. I made it extra wide, because...wide people. :D Whale color is #a1e1ff. I didn’t spend too long perfecting it, it’s just an idea sketch right now. Here’s what it might look like overlayed on another pride flag:

Other potential fat avatars could include pig, elephants, rhinos, etc. All things that have been hurled at me as insults before....though while reclaiming slurs can be really powerful, fat people have been associated with animals by fatphobes WAAYYYY too much - codifiying that into a pride flag could either be seen as a powerful subversion of that shaming tactic - or seen as capitulating to that shaming tactic. Anyway, let’s keep working on other ideas. What other things are big? I thought - outer space. Stars. “Celestial Bodies.” All bodies are made of star stuff...Our own sun is a star - and it’s massive and gives life to the whole planet. Fat people are “Stars” too! And we deserve to shine. So I cooked up a few star/sun based ideas.

I chose purple this time, being the color of royalty, and because we’ve been euphemistically referred to as “Queen Size,” or “King Size.” Why not lean into our royal birthright? It’s just a simple star on a wide purple band, but it emphasizes pride and that we are all “celestial bodies” made of starstuff. Here’s what it might look like over another pride flag:

I didn’t bother cleaning up the background, I’d need to find a star with a transparent backgroung to overlay, but - you get the idea. Although...you could also do overlays like this:

That leaves even more of the original flag clear, and gives increased legibility. It could also be added to the top left, or expanded as a triangle on the left side. Here’s both options.

lol graphic design is my passion XD (again just a sketch) I was thinking about the sun, but then I also realized - the moon deserves some love, too. Especially as a gravitational body, and its effect on the tides...So I thought - how can I include them both?

A solar eclipse! But I also know flame burns at different colors depending on its heat, like you see when you light a match or a candle:

I also like sending the message that fat people are HOT! Which isn’t a message we get to hear about ourselves very often. ^_^; So pulling design elements from both these images, I came up with this:

....Hrm. Including the flame colors was a fun idea, but I kinda hate how it came out. Also, a center circle is currently used on the intersex flag, I wouldn’t want people to be confused. And this looks like it would be really hard to use as an overlay. Too busy. Lemme try simplifying a little.

Hm. Not AS ugly but...still pretty ugly. -_-; yeahno. I searched for a public domain sun/moon images and was inspired by old drawings like these:

Obviously, this is just a sketch I winged together, any final image would have far superior art. But...take a look:

I.....don’t hate this?? I like that it includes two obviously round faces...I like how Renaissance-y it looks, alluding to a time period where fat bodies were appreciated and lauded in art. And it still has that “celestial body” connotation. I also HELLA simplified the color scheme to a midnight blue (moon) and golden (sun). I made some of the rays straight, and some of the rays curvy, because not everybody is straight. I also feel like this would be easy to transpose onto another pride flag like so:

The design is a little busy, but it could either be made more intricate (a la the source inspiration) or LESS intricate, deliberately “dumbed down” into something easy to understand and replicate. Anyway, these are some preliminary thoughts. Fat people, please “weigh in” (hurrrr puns) and let me know what you think! I’m tagging some friends and some fat positive blogs I follow - would be interested in your feedback! I’m just one person, and having other voices for concrit would be super helpful. @fatgirlsdoingthings, @fatphobiabusters, @fuckyeahfatpositive, @thebodyisnotanapology @stophatingyourbody, @frostyemma, @charmingfury, @semi-sem, @sillyengineer

#fat #fat pride #new fat pride flag #fatprideflag #newfatprideflag #body positive #body positivity #pride flag #pride

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gooeyguy · 7 years

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Fibromyalgia linked to ptsd?

Fibromyalgia, what is it?

You might have heard this word before, either from a family member or a friend but you probably don’t know exactly what it is and how it affects the people diagnosed.

So hey guess what homie? today i’m here to tell you all about it and my experiences with it, if you decide to keep reading of course.

Fibromyalgia is a relatively recently-known disease, so there is still much to be learned about it. More and more research is being done on it and there are now set diagnostic tests. It seems part of the disease is caused by the pain nerves misfiring and interpreting every sensation as pain. Fibromyalgia more commonly affects women than men, and often shows up during young adulthood. There are many symptoms that can occur with fibro, but i’m gonna do my best to narrow it down as much as possible, as to not run my mouth all over an assignment for class.

Chronic widespread body pain is the primary symptom of fibromyalgia. You may have heard this and thought that’s all there is to it, unfortunately most people with fibromyalgia also experience moderate to extreme fatigue, sleep disturbances, sensitivity to touch, light, sound, and cognitive difficulties. Many individuals also experience a number of other symptoms and overlapping conditions, such as irritable bowel syndrome, sleep disorders, anxiety, depression, chronic headaches, joint hypermobility/ Ehlers danlos syndrome, lupus and arthritis. I cannot begin to elaborate on the extended side affects of these side effects, but the most important to note is PTSD or C-PTSD, it is believed to be a huge cause of fibromyalgia and symptoms of the illness, but we’ll get to that in a second.

Many of these symptoms are also found in other chronic illnesses. A person most likely won’t experience all of these at once but can. Symptoms might be constant or they might wax and wane. New symptoms may develop any time. Everyone is affected by fibro differently.

Fibromyalgia is very hard to cope with and will affect so much more of your life than you’d expect.

Here are some personal symptoms i experience to help explain.

WIDESPREAD PAIN AND STIFFNESS: Fibro people experience many types of pain. Muscle and joint stiffness is also common, especially after sitting for a period of time. I always am feeling some level of pain, but the type and intensity and sometimes location varies: flu-like ache all over the body, burning pain as though my whole back is on fire, sharp pain as though someone stuck a dagger behind my shoulder blade, joint weakness and pain--almost like a light sprain, and others. For me, getting dressed, repeated bending (such as laundry or loading the dishwasher), and standing still are three of the biggest basic function pain triggers. But even tiny things like wearing jewelry or using a fork can cause more pain on bad days.

FATIGUE: This can be anything from a constant tiredness to a debilitating fatigue so bad I can’t do much but sit and stare (or cry). This clashes with the pain/night terrors i experience making it difficult for me to sleep. It can mean I have trouble staying awake during lectures or class, or even a chat with a friend, no matter how much I want to hear it. If I'm having a worse fatigue flare, I will start having trouble walking straight, much less thinking straight, and often notice myself talking very slowly.

I am currently taking a stimulant called adderall that helps me stay awake but unfortunately gives me a bad crash after wearing off.

SLEEP DISTURBANCES: Fibro causes an alpha wave sleep disorder where the brain experiences bursts of alpha waves (normally only experienced during awake times) throughout the night. These bursts either fully wake me up, or at least bring me out of deep sleep. On a good night I’ll wake up fully two or three times and on a bad night I wake up as often as every twenty minutes, if I sleep at all. The frequent awakenings not only mean a loss of sleep, but also interrupt the important sleep cycles of the body. The time of deep sleep is vital for your body to repair itself and prepare for the next day. Fibromyalgic’s get very little deep sleep, and often another important sleep cycle, REM sleep, is minimized as well. Sleeping better or worse is not typically related to emotional stress.

COGNITIVE PROBLEMS: This includes memory and concentration problems, as well as language use problems, commonly called brain fog or FibroFog. It’s called that for a good reason. It’s as though you’re having to grope through a heavy fog to try to grasp thoughts, and as soon as you latch onto one, it slips away again. The short-term memory problems mean I don't always remember the answer to the question I just asked--or even what the question was! Or I'll be listening to someone and can't quite understand and connect all the words together into something that makes sense. Sometimes I have trouble talking clearly, or will use a random wrong word, or simply be unable to think of common words. This makes me feel as if i come off stupid and does not help my self esteem. Dissociation ties into this and is linked to my C-PTSD. More than simple detachment or loneliness, C-PTSD sufferers tend to experience themselves as "outside looking in," as though they are no longer a part of life's events but are beyond a transparent barrier, restricted to the role of an observer. Making everyday feel unreal.

HEIGHTENED SENSITIVITY: to bright light, touch, sound, and smell. The feeling of clothes can be painful, but to describe what i mean a bit better, the running of my finger along the skin of the top of my arm is irritating. Its as if i’ve gotten a fresh rugburn after getting my arm numbed for a surgery. So theres an ache in the muscle as if it’s bruised and an irritation to the skin but in the same instance a partial numb feeling. Any flashing, flickering, or bright lights or loud sounds can be very painful to the eyes and ears. On a bad day even quiet sounds like someone walking or ruffling through papers can be painful. Certain smells can be painful, as well as certain cleaning products, triggering smells and even perfumes. DIZZINESS: I sometimes have a slight balance problem, especially if there are other people milling about close to me, on a staircase, or if it is not well lit. I have fallen numerous times, but when I don’t I have to take a sudden step to catch myself, quickly grasp the stair beam, or touch a wall or friend’s shoulder to balance myself. It’s not uncommon for me to try to walk through the doorframe or look a tad tipsy if I’m particularly exhausted. Other symptoms of Fibromyalgia are Irritable Bowel Syndrome, muscle tremors, numbness or tingling in hands and feet, mood changes, chest pain, painful menstruation, and dry eyes, skin, and mouth. Many people also struggle with anxiety and depression.

Fibromyalgia is a newly studied illness and there isn’t much to find as to what causes it, Although, talking to my doctor has really brought a new light to this issue. So bear with me while i try to explain.

I had been diagnosed with ptsd as a young child but was never followed up with therapy. And to be more specific I am now diagnosed with C-PTSD (Complex Post traumatic stress disorder) The difference between the two is PTSD is caused by a single event whereas C-PTSD is caused by prolonged or recurring events.

C-PTSD symptoms are believed to be the cause of the symptoms I have regarding fibromyalgia, here is a list and explanation of some of them.

FIGHT OR FLIGHT: You’ve probably heard of this term. The fight or flight response refers to a specific biochemical reaction that both humans and animals experience during intense stress or fear. The sympathetic nervous system releases hormones that cause changes to occur throughout the body. When you are in a stressful or dangerous situation and experience fear and anxiety, your body goes through a number of changes: Your heart rate may increase. Your vision may narrow (sometimes called "tunnel vision"). You may notice that your muscles become tense. You may begin to sweat. And your hearing may become more sensitive.

Now i want you to think about what would happen if someone was in a constant state of “Fight or Flight”. Eventually you’d be exhausted right? If your body is in a constant state of fear and anxiety eventually the tensing of muscles is going to take a toll on your body.

And that is exactly what C-PTSD does.

Re-experiencing the past: In the form of nightmares and flashbacks. While in PTSD flashbacks tend to be visual, in C-PTSD they are often emotional. That is, a sudden, overwhelming rush of emotions such as anger, shame, humiliation, abandonment, and of being small and powerless much like a child would feel when abused. These are referred to as Emotional Flashbacks (EFs) and can last for minutes, hours or even days. Avoidance: of thoughts, feelings, people, places, activities relating to the trauma (e.g., dissociation, derealization) Emotion regulation: Emotional sensitivity; reduced ability to respond to situations in an emotionally appropriate and flexible manner. Negative self-concept: Feeling of worthlessness and defectiveness. Doctors suggest that those with C-PTSD suffer from toxic shame and have a virulent Inner and Outer Critic. Interpersonal problems - Difficulty feeling close to another person; feeling disconnected, distant or cut off from other people (depersonalization, social anxiety and reactive attachment). So overall is it understandable to see where a lot of this shows C-PTSD could be the cause of Fibromyalgia?

Long-term prognosis of Fibromyalgia, what is it? Fibromyalgia is a chronic illness that goes in cycles of severe flares and milder symptoms. It typically never goes away completely and can be debilitating. Thankfully, it is not believed to be degenerative and does not actually damage muscles, joints, or organs, although it is linked to heart issues.

About 2 percent of the U.S. population suffer from widespread pain and have tender points that are painful to the touch. There is no cure for fibromyalgia, and pain medications often aren't very helpful, so patients can have pain that is bad enough to disrupt their everyday lives for the rest of their life. People with fibromyalgia also have higher rates of psychiatric illness than the general population, and about 90 percent of those with the condition are women. Some with fibro learn to have successful lives, though they typically will be able to do less activity than a healthy person, and less than they were previously able to do.

Unfortunately the rate of suicide from people with this illness is quite high. Each year, about 30,000 people in the United States take their own lives total. It is the 11th leading cause of death in our country and accounts for about 1.5% of all deaths in the US. Three out of four people with this illness will commit suicide.

As said earlier, chronic widespread pain is the main symptom of fibromyalgia. And to de diagnosed it must include: Pain for at least three months Pain above and below the waist Pain on both sides of the body

Pain in more than 11 of 18 the following points in the following image

This could include combinations of neck pain, shoulder pain, back pain, hip pain, knee pain, feet pain, and pain in just about every part of the body. People with fibromyalgia may also have: Hyperaglasia (increased pain in response to normally painful contact) Allodynia (pain in response to normally nonpainful contact) None of this pain will show up on an x-ray or blood test. That’s one reason why getting a diagnosis of fibromyalgia from your doctor may take so long. In fact, it takes an average of more than 2 years to get an accurate diagnosis of fibromyalgia. Leaving sufferers confused and more likely to lose their job, fail school, or even commit suicide. What is the long-term prognosis? Fibromyalgia is a chronic illness that goes in cycles of severe flares and milder symptoms. It typically never goes away completely and can be debilitating. Thankfully, it is not believed to be degenerative and does not actually damage muscles, joints, or organs. Most people with fibro learn to have successful lives, though they typically will be able to do less activity than a healthy person, and less than they were previously able to do. What treatments can help? The most effective help for fibro is pacing, that is doing a small bit of activity and then resting. Those with Fibromyalgia need to learn how to listen to their body and know when to stop and when to say no to things, including others. This can be difficult because what may be fine one day may be too much another day, and often the effects of overdoing it aren’t fully felt until the next day. This to others can be marked as laziness and can also greatly affect child to parent relationships. Self help pain management such as ice and heat, special back supports, hot showers or baths, and naps can be used to calm the pain. Walking or other light exercise is also helpful, as is stretching. Sensory issues can make some of these uncomfortable but some work.

There are a number of medications that can also help control some of the symptoms of fibro, especially the pain. Most medications pain related are addictive and aren’t advised to be used by doctors though. There are also antidepressant,anxiety and sleep medications. But of course the meds i’ve personally tried haven’t had much of an effect on me or have given me an allergic reaction. Alternative treatments such as chiropractic, naturopathy, acupuncture, light massage, and avoiding certain foods or household chemicals (cleaners, body and hair care products, etc.) can be helpful. How you can help a friend/family member who has fibro or another chronic illness. There are many ways to reach out to help, and of course the needs will change for each person. Big things like helping clean the house or cooking meals can help, but often it’s the little things that are the best, like opening the door for them, or remembering to ask for permission when touching you. Here’s a list of a few things that can help (with thanks to many other websites I‘ve read similar lists on over the past year): ~ Don’t be afraid to hug them gently (with permission), but please no bear hugs. ~ Understand that just because the person looks fine or is laughing and talking, doesn't mean they are not experiencing symptoms. And even if they feel halfway okay while they’re with you, they may pay the consequences of the outing later. ~ Invite them to join you on outings, but if they say no don’t be offended, and don’t be afraid to keep asking in the future in case they are having a good day. Let them know what to expect--if there will be a lot of sitting or standing, a long walk, bright or flashing lights, etc. ~ Be willing to make plans for activities and to be the first to phone or email. It may be hard for them to put energy into contacting you and making plans, even though they’d probably like to get together. This goes for overall conversation as well, don’t be upset if they don’t feel up to talking. ~ Realize that just because they come to an event doesn't necessarily mean they are feeling great. ~ Offer to drop them off at the front door before you go to park. ~ Hold the door for them--I can’t tell you how many times I’ve hurt my wrist just opening a door man. ~ Ask if you can carry anything for them. ~ Warn them before you turn on the light or something that makes noise-- Any sudden noise, light, touch i’m not expecting will make me jump and it’s not comfortable, it in fact can cause me to dissociate. ~ Don't yell or scream in their ear. ~ Realize that a normal poke or elbow dig might cause pain. You can touch them gently on the arm or back, but be soft and don’t surprise them. Try not to jiggle their chair. ~ Let them set the pace when you are walking. ~ Don't be annoyed if you have to repeat yourself several times, or think of a different way to say something. ~ Don’t be afraid to laugh with them about the quirks of fibro. ~ Ask if you can come over and help with housework, or if you can bring over some frozen meals (if they has food allergies, check what they can safely eat). ~ Ask them how they’re doing, and listen to the answer-- do not get upset with them please. ~ If they’re having a bad day, don’t just tell them you’ll pray for them, but ask if you can do anything for them, and if they respond with “not really” stay calm and reassuring.

~ Ask if they are okay every once in awhile. ~ Don’t tell them to try harder and give unreasonable goals that they don’t have faith in reaching, encourage them instead of bringing them down about it.

~ Don’t be afraid to complain about the little things in your life. Tell them about your problems too, everyone wants to feel included. Sure, a stubbed toe may not seem that bad compared to a lifetime of chronic pain, but that sure doesn’t make it not hurt when it happens! Thank you for reading if you’ve gotten this far, i’m sure the person who sent it to you or the person in your life with Fibromyalgia, really appreciates that you took the time to read about their illness.

-Phoenix S.

#fibromyalgia #EDS #ED #PTSD #C-PTSD #Assignment #Mine #Disorder #illness

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etalablog · 7 years

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Et Al a Blog: Trump: Empathy and Understanding

Please consider this video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bd79UsXSLWg

There are two disclaimers I wish to make about this blog: First, I am not a Doctor and unqualified to diagnose personality or physiological disorders (but will anyway) and second, I am NOT (in this blog anyway) mocking, attacking or even disagreeing with our new President, Donald J. Trump. On this latter point, this blog is instead truly a serious attempt for me to find empathy with and, perhaps, understanding of the man himself.

Bob Dylan, easily the most influential poet of my generation, once voiced “You don’t need a weatherman to know which way the wind blows”, a phrase that, for you 60’s history buffs, gave the radical underground group “The Weathermen” their name. Aside from this unfortunate association, it has always been for me, profound.

And so it is with my feelings and observations about Donald Trump. It is obvious to many, myself certainly included, that Donald suffers from some form of personality disorder which makes him utterly unable to deal with criticism. It leaves him spouting “facts” frequently absent even a limited understanding of our world or history. If this sounds like an “attack”, I assure you it is not, merely an observation, regardless of the efficacy of any policies he may espouse.

If anything, I have complete empathy with him, growing up as I did struggling with ADD. But because my ADD was also in the context of a loving and supportive family (themselves all academically successful), I have been able to deal with it, by losing myself in books and music until maturity and experience freed me from worse impacts of my disorder.

Previously in this blog, and in casual conversation, I have even postulated the cause of Trump’s disorder, a domineering and perfectionist father who demanded that he be the very best at everything, but whose failures to do so led him, along with other like children of the wealthy, to be a resident at a private Military School through his adolescence. In of itself, I still believe this may well be what happened to him. “Poor little rich kid”, as we used to say. Whatever, he is transparently driven to be narcistic and compulsive.

And how flippantly I have used these observations to attack, dismiss or even fear him.

In the video linked below, the presenter raises serious concerns, based on evidence, about Donald’s ability to read. This is not the only time this question has been raised. The comedian Samantha Bee has also raised this as a possibility, although her observations, are clearly meant to be humorous as have been other video’s, etc. of this ilk. But, perhaps, these “attacks” are missing a salient point; maybe it’s really true he has a reading disorder.

The first thing that occurred to me upon watching this video is that he suffers from dyslexia, or reading disorder. It is, after all, a common disorder, effecting something like 8% of the population. According to Wikipedia, “Problems may include difficulties in spelling words, reading quickly, writing words, "sounding out" words in the head, pronouncing words when reading aloud and understanding what one reads“.

Much has been made, as it should, of his mocking a reporter with an obvious physical impairment. But for those of us appalled by his behavior, perhaps this should be tempered by the realization that our dismissive attitudes and attacks on him, may be no less morally repugnant.

Try to imagine, if you will, trying as a child of a success driven father to make sense of the conflicting visual signals called “reading” that his peers are seemingly able to do with ease. It is a well known phenomena that children afflicted with dyslexia often are seen as “troubled”.

Send this otherwise bright child off to Military School and Donald J. Trump is what emerged. Learning to cope with his disorder by a variety of methods, he has managed to become, in his mind anyway, what his father always demanded: “perfect”.

Now try to imagine meeting the demands of being President without the benefit of being able to read, relying only on what others tell him or he can watch on TV and movies. Obama, a brilliant academician, struggled to keep up with the demands of researching issues and policies, frequently working by himself late into the night. Trump, apparently, only watches television and makes phone calls.

What if his story is one of heroically overcoming a reading disorder and his father to become President of the United States? If Barak Obama overcoming a “foreign” name, a broken home and racism to become President is a quintessential American success story, so surely is Donald J. Trump’s own journey. What a role model he could be for all the troubled and tortured kids also suffering from these disorders!

But because of his personality disorder, even if it resulted from his (postulated) dyslexia, will not allow him to admit to it, his story is, instead, a tragedy worthy of the ancient Greeks. I can only wonder what ending Fate has written for him in this play and what it foretells for all of us.

And me? I will no longer mock him for his illness.

How callous, how hypocritical of me to do exactly what I found most abhorrent of Trump’s behaviors, mocking people for their physical appearances, limitations, handicaps. All attributes, like dyslexia, they have no control over.

#EtAlaBlog

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automatismoateo · 5 years

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Religion preys on the weak, the sick and the downtrodden. And I'm experiencing it firsthand. via /r/atheism

Submitted October 08, 2019 at 10:41PM by phthalo-azure (Via reddit https://ift.tt/33bz4Cv) Religion preys on the weak, the sick and the downtrodden. And I'm experiencing it firsthand.

I recently became disabled after I was diagnosed with a rare genetic disorder. It's a bummer because I can no longer work and provide for my family, my wife has had to go back to work so we have insurance while I fight for disability, and I suffer every day from the pain from my disease and from the treatments.

But what makes it worse is all the "compassionate" believers coming out of the woodwork with their thoughts and prayers, love bombing, and transparent attempts to drag me back to the church (Mormonism). I've been invited to get a "blessing" to help cure me (there is no cure), I've started getting emails from people I haven't seen or interacted with in decades who are concerned about my spiritual well-being (implying that somehow I'm at fault for my disease for not being faithful enough), and even old friends making hints that consumption of alcohol and pot smoking during my college years is the cause of my disease. These are usually masked in pseudo-innocent questions like, "do you think alcohol could have contributed?" or "the full effects of marijuana haven't been tested, have you asked your doctor about that?"

It's insulting that 1) believers think they can re-convert me because I'm at a low point in my life; 2) it's somehow okay to foist their religious beliefs on me because of my vulnerable situation; and 3) they think they can casually imply that I'm somehow at fault for a disease that's genetic and runs in both sides of my family (although I'm the first to get the diagnosis because diagnostic criteria and the appropriate tests have only recently been developed). Victim blaming sucks in all its forms.

To believers reading this, please, please don't think you can bring an atheist back into the fold just because they're sick, lost their job, experienced a death in the family, etc. Instead of selfishly focusing on you and your religion, drop in to ask them how they're doing without bringing up religion; it's the last thing any of us want to hear. Ask how you can help, and support us unconditionally whether religious or not. For me, I don't need thoughts and prayers or blessings, but some food so I can eat this week or a bit of cash to help out with my attorney's fees would be great. And please, please don't imply that the person somehow deserves their situation or that it was their fault.

#reddit

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houbarafunduae · 5 years

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No surprise that lifting weights the human body was never intended to handle can lead to some serious wear and tear over time. Chronic pain is par for the course.

Those of us who do this sport for any appreciable run and continue to pursue it do so because we need it. That’s the only reasonable explanation—a lesser evil.

The crazier we are, the more we seem to need it. The more we need it, the further we tend to push it. I’ve said this before: powerlifting is a sport where the objective is to eventually get strong enough to get under weights that can kill you.

Let that marinate.

Chronic pain is one thing. But during the decades I’ve been doing this, I’ve definitely seen and suffered my share of acute injuries. I’ve torn just about every muscle possible, including tearing a medial deltoid off completely, multiple pec tears, a bicep tear, multiple hamstring tears, and a QL tear. I tore one gastroc off and suffered labrum tears in my right hip and shoulder. That’s just the soft tissue stuff, and I’m sure I’m missing some things from that list.

In 2014, I broke my spine and had pieces of two vertebrae removed, a discectomy, and a root nerve relocation. I was smart about my recovery at and I employed every resource and modality available to me. I continue to do so, which has allowed me to return to my former strength and still train my ass off, although I have permanent nerve damage and can’t feel half of my right foot—don’t ask. Buy CBD Isolate Crystals Online

I’m grateful that the skill set I developed can still help other people. Being a coach has allowed me to do this much for myself, but I’d be lying if I pretended I didn’t still suffer nerve pain after intense training sessions, especially now that I am back in preparation to compete in full power rather than only bench press.

As a rule, I do my best to stay away from NSAIDs. Though they can be very effective in treating the type of pain I deal with, they are also known to cause a whole host of health issues for which I am already at risk. It’s been a while, but in the past when I’ve tried to return to full power, I’ve had to give in to using them at high doses for extended periods of time.

Even then, the fear of health consequences as a result of using those drugs the way I’d need to has caused me to abandon the pursuit of my own goals in competition time and again after I had spinal surgery almost five years ago. However, for the last year or so, between fixing some imbalances and figuring out some other ways to proactively deal with my recurring issues, my training has been going extremely well. I started training part of the time in single-ply briefs, which has allowed me to go much further without the hip inflammation I always get from heavier squats and pulls. cbd isolate for sale near me

The hip stuff is probably a result of the pelvic fracture I sustained in a motorcycle accident about nine years ago. This inflammation usually results in S/I joint dysfunction (conveniently, that’s right below the spine surgery), and this leads to crippling nerve pain for me that can last weeks.

With all the preventative maintenance and wearing the briefs in training, I’ve been able to mitigate this pain to a good degree. But like I mentioned before, when things get rough toward the end of a mesocycle, I’m hurting almost all of the time.

With that said, I’ve committed to doing a few full-power meets before I retire in 2020. Ideally, I’d like to post a decent total at 308, 275, and 242 on my way out. So, this left me searching for some alternative means to deal with the pain related to the previously mentioned inflammation.

If you’ve been on the Internet at all in the past couple of years, you’ve probably seen a veritable storm of companies advertising, selling, and trying to use influencers and other means to market various Cannabidiol (CBD) products as a safe alternative to painkillers, touting myriad other potential health benefits and magical outcomes as a result their use. If you’re anything like me, you kept scrolling and wrote that shit off as wishful thinking based on some unsubstantiated hippie bullshit. I did—at least at first. cbd crystal isolate for sale

I think my initial reaction had more to do with the way the concept was being marketed than my own preconceived beliefs. I pride myself on being open to the possibility that my own conclusions, at any point, could very well be faulty—on any topic, even my own expertise. However, you’re going to need to present a solid amount of evidence to the contrary of said conclusion to really get my attention. You see, it took a certain amount of supporting evidence for me to arrive at that conclusion. I’ve never been someone who just believes anything.

In the case at hand, overzealous, ostensibly unsupported claims were all the evidence I had, one way or the other. Sound like anything you’ve seen on the Internet? Maybe it’s a cleanse or some other marketing scheme where the seller is more motivated by the idea of getting other people to sell the idea of getting other people to sell the idea than the product they are supposed to be selling.

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When I began my research on this topic, I was surprised to find a wealth of studies and literature reviews supporting some of the claims. For example, one review substantiated and expanded the often described “favorable” side-effect profile of CBD. The review noted that there are some small knowledge gaps that should be closed with additional clinical trials, but that the safety profile was already well established in a number of ways. Cannabidiol seemed hopeful in being effective for a tremendous number of applications, including the treatment of both chronic and acute inflammation, some types of cancer, some psychiatric disorders, autoimmune diseases, and a list of other things (not directly relevant to this story). It was apparently nontoxic and non-psychoactive. cbd isolate for sale in canada

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secureau360 · 5 years

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mwjones99-blog · 7 years

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Being Honest Or How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love Myself

I’m writing this post to be honest, because I feel that unless I’m reasonably transparent, I won’t be able to feel connected with you. And if I don’t trust you, you won’t be able to trust me. And although I do trust you, I am walking the line of oversharing so I’m sorry if this is too much and there’s a strong chance I will delete this in future as suits. Just as a warning to you all, I wrote this at 5AM when I was still pretty pissed and holding back tears so it isn’t beautifully written, I’m sorry about that. I’m sorry if my posting this upsets you or makes you angry but please don’t take it out on me, posting this and writing this was very difficult. Also, for those of you for whom it’s relevant, trigger warnings: anxiety, depression, suicide, bereavement.

So in the past few months, my entire life has completely changed. I’ve been unwell for quite some time (over a year,) suffering from severe depression and a generalised anxiety disorder. This has obviously been very difficult but I’ve been seeking help through cognitive behavioural therapy and medication (specifically sertraline, an SSRI) and this has allowed me to mostly mask my symptoms and go about life as normal. I wasn’t happy (in reality, I hated myself and everything about my life) but I was able to give the impression of someone who had his life together. I was Head Boy, I was getting good grades, I had friends.

This all changed about three months ago, when the decision was taken to change my medication from sertraline to fluoxetine. Neither of these drugs are licensed for use in patients under-18 due to a strongly observed link between SSRIs (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors) and suicidal ideation. The transfer to the new drug was difficult as it meant that I was essentially without any chemical support for my brain in the interim. It was just me running the shop and although that was in some sense freeing, it also led to me feeling very low and demotivated and it led to my schoolwork getting out of control. Coursework was forgotten, homework was late, classwork was, as my history teacher said, “shit”. Essentially, just getting out of bed in the morning was such a challenge that anything above that was impossible. And then began the spiral. I was depressed so I couldn’t do work so I was failing so I was depressed so I couldn’t do work… And so on. I was very rapidly losing control of everything.

And then there’s the suicidal ideation I’d mentioned. At first, I was fine. But about two weeks into the new medication, although my depression had been getting worse anyway, I started to get very genuine thoughts of suicide. I had thought about not wanting to live before but never before had I seriously entertained the idea of taking some action to end my own life. And before I knew it, I was making plans, buying pills, writing notes. And the worst thing was, because my doctor had never told me about these risks, I had no idea why I was feeling this way. Everything felt genuine. It wasn’t a chemical imbalance that was making me think that I should kill myself, it was a good idea. I had no reason to live so I should just end it all.

And then there’s the social aspect of things. I was very lucky to have a circle of friends I could rely on and who cared about me very deeply. The issue was, I didn’t appreciate them and I didn’t appreciate how lucky I was to have them. Without going into detail, I acted in an unforgivable way towards them and they took the (correct) decision to cut me off for their own good. I tried to blame it on my illness but I can’t do that. Me being ill doesn’t make me a bad person. It makes me anxious but that can’t translate to my actions, that’s all on me and although I initially felt very hurt, I see now with greater clarity that I must carry the whole blame for the many friendships that people have been left with no choice but to dissolve. That’s very sad and I’m still having a hard time adjusting to it but I still love those people and I’m glad they’re taking the right decision so that they can be happy. I’d give anything to change how I acted but what’s done is done and I’m glad that they’re happy. And I’m glad that this has taught me a lesson, that I should value my friends and never act harmfully towards them.

So all of these things left me in a really bad situation. I was severely depressed, my schoolwork was in a terrifying state, I was really suicidal and, through my own fault, I had nobody to turn to. Then, on that same day where everything fell apart, a close family member died. This shook me to my core. Naturally I was grieving but I also had to step up to support my mum in a really difficult time, simply making things harder to me in my already fragile state. My awful situation led me to the care of the child and adolescent mental health services crisis team, who changed my medication back to sertraline, gave me sleeping tablets to help me overcome my exhaustion and visited me daily to make sure I hadn’t topped myself. The NHS gets a bad reputation but the care I received was first class, they supported me so thoroughly from the early days when I was walking the line between life and death right through to my discharge.

So what have I been up to over the last few weeks? I haven’t been going to sixth form, it had all become too much and I had other things to deal with so a break was sadly necessary. I’m in a lucky position of having an unconditional offer so even though this will severely negatively impact my grades, I will be okay in the long term. I’ve been taking my medication daily and this has really begun to help. Simply stopping the fluoxetine has eliminated the suicidal thoughts and has returned me to my depressed but stable state. I’ve been planning a funeral, supporting my family and grieving a loved one. I’ve been trying to keep up with the two or three friends I haven’t turned away through my awful behaviour. I’ve been trying to revise economics (sod history and maths, I’ll fail anyway.)

So this leaves me at the end of March, ready to start to get back to normal. My schoolwork is ruined and I’m not sure what the consequences will be for that but I’m hoping I’ll survive. I’m starting to heal after a bereavement and although it will take time, I can now deal with things far better. I’m starting to get better, through medication and therapy. And most importantly, things are starting to look up. One day, I won’t be depressed. This September, I will go to uni and all will be well. One day, I’ll meet new people and have the time of my life. Next month, I’ll celebrate my 18th and get absolutely smashed. And one day, I’ll meet the boy/girl/other of my dreams and life will be good. Things suck now but having that perspective and not wanting to die all the time makes things far more palatable. And it’s what’s going to keep me going for now.

I still hate a lot of things about myself. I hate my past, I hate how I impact people, I hate the way I look, I hate the way I act. I’ve pretty much ruined most aspects of my life, socially and academically. That’s left me in a really awful situation but there’s no hiding the fact that it’s my own fault. It’s hell, honestly. I can’t ever stop thinking about it and it hurts like hell. But I deserve it all and although it is painful, I know I will be able to move forward eventually.

But, vitally, I don’t hate who I am. I know I am more than who I have been in the past. I know I am capable of going forwards and being a good person. I love the person I’m capable of being and for the time being, that’s good enough.

One last thing, and this is really important and it’s the reason I’m making this post. Sharing this stuff isn’t easy but I’m doing it to show that it is IMPORTANT TO SPEAK UP WHEN YOU ARE STRUGGLING. Don’t be like me. Don’t lie to people that you’re okay. Don’t hurt your friends. Don’t keep quiet if you’re feeling suicidal. Mental healthcare in the U.K. is lacking but there are still resources available to help you, you just need to be very brave and reach out. Speak to your family, speak to your friends, speak to your teachers, speak to your GP. If you’re in immediate danger of harming yourself, call the Samaritans or go to A&E. You deserve help and you do not deserve to feel like I did. It isn’t easy, I know that. But please, please, please don’t make the same mistakes I did.

If you have any questions about my blog post, feel free to just ask on Tumblr. My asks will be open. ❤

#depression #suicide #anxiety #me #blog posts #self love #mental health #mental illness #bereavement #death

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