I just woke up to a Charlie horse in my hamstring, otherwise I’d probably still be asleep right now. UGH! I actually managed to sleep 6 hours and this happens. Maybe it’s a good thing since I have to be up at 8. Or maybe I’ll just go back to sleep again.
- check Social Media - edit the one headcanon in my inbox for my hc blog - replies on my RP blog - if it isn’t noon then, draw - if it is noon, prepare lunch - read fanfiction update (18k words wtf?!) - play a new game - maybe write a bit - go dancing with husband
It’s a little after 4:30am and I’ve been up for an hour feeling extremely nauseous. Don’t know why, but I’ve got a pretty good feeling I may have had a panic attack while I was sleeping and now I’m afraid to get out of bed because I might hurl.
This is not how I wanted to wake up this morning, especially since my alarm is set for 7am, and I have to remove the masking tape from the signs before packing them up and heading over to my cousin’s house to set up. Not to mention, my elbow and arm are so sore I can barely move them. I’m in a ton of pain right now on top of wanting to puke.
Fuck today. Fuck all this stress I’ve put myself through. I think after I finish the setup and print that one job for my client, I’m going home and passing out for as long as humanly possible. Everything else can wait until later. I just need a day to recover. I’ve been pushing myself too hard lately and it needs to stop.
For today, I am going to try and write down my whole life and all the major moments on a piece of paper. I also need to finish the final draft of a Philosophy Essay due June 5. For the next 2-3 days, I think I’ll just do some additional research and refresh my knowledge. A huge number of the teacher’s comments only required me to make conclusions after paragraphs and make the logical connections clearer. Since both of these things can be covered in 1 day. I have considerable amounts of time to spend. Next, I have a bunch of webinars I want to watch on colleges I could be interested in. I do want to choose a region near where my sister studies but I’m also going to explore other countries and options.
As you can see, my definition of work and then, of productivity is changing fast. With very few deadlines in place and a Netflix account, I’m really testing my limits. But, I have group projects which keep me in shape and I’m trying to work without specific deadlines. I’m also fixing my work station. Again. Yes.
not gonna lie, i’ve already been slacking off on my independent studying (and i’m less than a week in!). like, i practice my spanish, work out, and that kind of stuff because i like doing those things, but the tasks i dread are kind of ignored.
other people have always been the main source of my motivation, and since i don’t have the pressure from teachers or deadlines with actual consequences anymore, i’ve relied on the pressure of crossing things off my to-do list in order to to look good for tumblr, you know? that pressure is definitely wearing off now that i’ve been on here for a while, and i’m not quite sure how to replace that without finding an accountability partner that i won’t let myself disappoint… i guess i’ll figure it out somehow (or not lol).
Long post, TLDR at the end about how to help. And no, I’m not asking for money, just a little bit of your time.
Guess who’s been up since 1:30am?
The stress of this project is killing me. The worst thing? Nobody wants to help me. Like, nobody.
Here I am, busting ass for a fucking month, writing up a business plan, doing market research, creating customer profiles, finding my target market, creating all the graphics, writing all the contracts and terms, dealing with vendors, picking up supplies and the final job itself, and not a single person has stopped to ask me, “Hey, do you need any help?”
I literally have to beg for it. And even then I get shut down most of the time. It’s extremely discouraging. A pat on the back and a “Good job! You got this!” isn’t helping me. Instead, it feels patronizing. Like, I’m proud of all the work I’ve put into this by myself, but there comes a point where I can’t be in 10 places at once.
It’s crunch time. Tomorrow, everything I’ve spent the last month working towards comes together. Today, the burden of making the final preparations falls solely on my shoulders. Why? Nobody has time to help me. I’ll drop everything for you at a moment’s notice, but you can’t give me 10 minutes, half an hour, an hour of your time to help me when I need it most?
It feels like I’m being setup to fail. It feels like this thing I’ve been growing and nurturing and struggling to keep going is about to wither and die before it’s even had a chance to take flight. And it’s all because I am being pulled in so many directions at once and not a single person, family or friend, had 5 fucking minutes to spare.
I’ve been working myself to the bone this entire month with only a few breaks here and there, dealing with loss and grief as I try to navigate the intricacies of starting a new business from scratch. I don’t know if it’s even going to be worth it in the end. I’m honestly thinking about just giving up after this trial run because how the hell am I supposed to do all of it by myself?
I don’t know if it’s self doubt creeping in or if the stress and fatigue are just really getting to me, but I feel so under appreciated right now. I drove 4 hours on Tuesday to pick stuff up because I feared UPS wouldn’t get it here on time for tomorrow’s setup. I was beyond exhausted when I got home. What did I get in return? Absolutely nothing. Wait, no, I got to do the fucking dishes after dinner.
I’m just so tired right now. I’m so fucking tired but the amount of stress I’m under keeps me from sleeping more than a few hours a night. It’s been a full month of this. I’m so close to calling my psychiatrist and begging her to put me on sleeping pills just so I can get some rest. But even then I doubt it’ll happen.
So, here I am, tumblr friends, reaching out and begging for your help. Are any of you versed in Wordpress web design? Are any of you in the legal profession? Do any of you know anything about contracts, agreements or terms and conditions? Would any of you been willing to write some copy for a few pages of my site? I don’t have much to offer in return, but maybe I can buy you something off your Amazon wishlist?
If so, message me, drop me a line in my inbox, reply to this post, whatever works for you.
TLDR: I’ll buy you something off your Amazon, eBay, etc. wishlist if you’re willing to help me out with some stuff.
look, i know the sun is finally out, it’s almost june, i’m all freckled (uh mostly burned, actually), and it’s been a humid 96 degrees lately, but i was really imagining a cool fall breeze yesterday when i made this spread lol.
go on a walk (rescued an injured robin nestling today!)
The stress of creating the new company website is killing me. I got 5 hours of sleep before I woke up this morning. Honestly, I feel so overwhelmed, like I’m cramming for finals or something, but it’s so much bigger and impactful than that.
I wish I could turn to someone that could help me take some of this load off my shoulders, but I can’t because I’m still figuring things out myself. I don’t trust anyone to help me write the contracts because of their specific nature. I can’t have anyone work on the website because nothing is ready to go up and I haven’t found a Wordpress temple I like.
There’s just so much to think about all at once and I’m pretty sure I’m gonna have a mental break if I don’t figure out how to balance everything.
Anyway, it’s 6:50am now, I’m hungry, and I think I’m just gonna jump into work early today so I can clear out the client work before focusing on the business contracts and website.