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#to have and to have
honeybeefae · 2 years
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Summary// After Beron strikes a deal with your father in exchange for land, your younger sister is set to be married to the heir of the Autumn throne. However, you knew she would not survive the cruelness that Eris Vanserra is known for and that she would die before years’ end. So, with a prayer to the Mother, you take your sister’s place, risking your own life to save hers. You can only hope that fate is on your side.
(Chapter two is here! I hope you guys enjoy and as always, thank you so much for the messages and likes and interactions. It helps me so much more than you think. <3 If you'd like to be added to the taglist just lmk!)
Warnings: Suicidal thoughts, Burns, panic attacks, mental abuse, if I missed anything let me know!
Taglist: @ev-ems @cynicalpotato95 @karinaadara @crazysocklovingfangirl @fangirling-central @baebeepeach
Chapter One
Chapter Two: The Forest House
The rope dug painfully into your wrists as you swayed back and forth, your head hanging low as the men around you conversed. It was mid-morning now, the sun now high in the sky as you rode to what you assumed was the Forest House. Eris held you firmly against him, arm tight around your waist while keeping his eyes forward. 
Beron and his guards were the ones chatting away as if they hadn’t just ripped you from your home and the life that you knew. It was foolish of you to think they would actually care about their actions, but you had hoped you would at least get some quiet on the journey to your prison.
“What is your name?” Eris asked quietly behind you, fingers tight on the reigns.
It took you a moment to realize that he was speaking to you. He sighed when you remained mute before tightening his hold on you to the point that it became hard to breathe. You struggled against him for a moment before hissing, “Leave me alone.”
He clicked his tongue and eased his grip, though not enough for you to be comfortable. “Tell me your name.”
For the first time since the start of the journey, you looked up, squinting at the sunlight. You didn’t dare look back at him as you mumbled out your name, not having the energy to put a fight. His only reply was a hum as he went back to his thoughts. 
However, you took the chance to take in your surroundings. The forests surrounding your court were always bright with colors. You couldn’t imagine something more beautiful than it. The sun and wind would catch the reds and yellows of the leaves, swirling them around and illuminating them like the Mother herself was painting the sky and ground. 
It reminded you of when you and Edia would get lost in the woods for hours, playing pretend and making crowns out of the leaves littering the floor. After the two of you would tire, you would just lay back and watch the trees dance above you to a song only they could hear.
The thought of Edia made your heart clench in worry. Eris had claimed to have seen her, and if that were true, others might have well. It was completely out of your hands at the moment and you could only pray that she had gotten to safety before a search party could be collected.
Suddenly the horse came to a stop and you were pulled out of your head, eyebrows furrowed in confusion. The guards and Beron were ahead of you, now in single file, and when you raised your head higher, you realized why you had all stopped. 
You had never seen the Forest House in person. It was always described to you as ancient and foreboding but of what you could see, it was beautiful.
Most of the stones that made up the walls of the large estate were covered in moss in various shades of green as well as some of the shingles on the roof. The ground and stairs leading to it were also covered, giving it an enchanting look. Giant trees surrounded you, some of them even seeming to be directly inside the home, with the most breathtaking colors you had ever seen. As you peaked around Beron and his men, your eyes widened when you saw cascading waterfalls flowing down the mountain where the Forest House was built into.
It was something you could have never dreamed of and yet…the beauty was marred with what it truly was. This was not your home. It was your prison. 
A golden cage but a cage nonetheless. 
The awe and excitement turned sour in your mouth as you rode through the tall gates towards the stables with everyone else. Servants were waiting for you and, when you approached, helped you down with Eris following. Two guards appeared by your side as Eris strolled ahead with his father, climbing up a small flight of stairs and into the house.
“Walk.” One of them grunted and you scowled, wincing as they shoved you forward. You started to follow the same path and, with difficulty, walked up the stairs and to another door. This one was made entirely of wood and was carved with the faces and symbols of previous Autumn Court rulers and nobility. 
Their eyes seemed to be watching you as the doors opened, making you feel uneasy as you stepped inside. The air was much cooler than you imagined though the walls looked as you thought, an assortment of dark reds and browns with portraits and animals lining them. 
Another thing you took note of was how quiet it was. You had thought that by now the house would be bustling with servants and people but you could hear a pin drop. The guards behind you shuffled in their place and when you turned to look back in front of you, you almost jumped at the woman standing there.
She was older, streaks of grey mixed in with the red of her hair, with brown eyes that seemed to hold numerous stories. Her lips were in a thin line as she looked you up and down, no doubt judging you since you were still in your slip and beaten up. 
With a nod of her head, the guards turned around and walked outside, leaving you alone with her. She didn’t wait for you as she started to walk down the hallway. Her steps were soft and quiet like a spirit in the night as you awkwardly followed behind her.
There was a line of windows on the western wall that looked out into a courtyard, a magnificent oak tree in the middle with branches spread out in every direction. There were people strolling along the pathways, some of them dressed in grand outfits while others wore more simple garments. You recognized a few of them as business partners of your fathers and immediately frowned, cursing them under your breath.
“Don’t dawdle about, child.” The woman chided from down the hall, waiting by another large door. You sighed and took one last glance out the window before scurrying down to her, hands still bound, and stopping a few feet in front of her.
She gave you another look as she turned to open the doors, leaving them open behind her for you to follow. You were expecting another set of stairs to lead you to the dungeons but were surprised when instead, you found yourself in a stately room.
On one of the walls was a bed that could sleep an entire family, with dark sheets and blankets made of the warmest furs. It had four columns on each side with a canopy that made you think of the princess stories you used to read Edia. You found yourself reaching out to feel the blankets under your fingertips, relishing in the softness.
The room itself was a soft cream that made you think of home, with a fireplace on the other side that went all the way to the ceiling. A desk was in a corner, parchment and books stacked on the side, while a bookcase was beside it. It was a room out of your dreams.
“This will be your room.” The woman said with her hands behind her back. You watched her with suspicion. This could not be where you were meant to stay, it was far too grand for you alone and Beron wasn’t generous enough to offer it to you.
The dots connected in your head, and you fought back the bile rising in your throat when you realized why they gave you this room. This wasn’t your room…it was Eris’s. 
You weren’t going to be allowed the dignity of having something of your own, even if that was a damp cell. They wanted this union to begin without delay.
“Come.” The woman said, walking to the bathroom. “I need to get you cleaned.”
The bath water was scalding against your bare skin but you didn’t acknowledge the pain, cringing as two foreign hands scrubbed you clean. Myrna, the lady from earlier whose name you learned as she undressed you, was your head chambermaid. She was talking to someone outside as two younger women attended to you.
You hadn’t said a word to them since they came in, still processing that you would be with Eris tonight and every night after. This morning had seemed like a blur and you knew your brain had been blocking off the fear and worries so you didn’t go into a panic attack, but now, being here, it was closing in on you.
Someone called your name but you didn’t hear them, darkness fuzzing the edges of your vision as it got harder to breathe. The stories of Eris, of his cruelty, were all you could think about. You were currently recalling what happened between him and his last intended bride, your nails digging into your skin so hard that blood was starting to trickle down your arms.
“Y/N!” Myrna snapped, grabbing your chin and breaking you from your spell. You looked down at the water and saw the red swirling around you. “What are you doing?”
She was scowling as the other two servants left to go grab a healer. The wounds were already starting to heal but you didn’t care. It was like the color around you was fading and you could feel yourself becoming numb.
When you had taken Edia’s place you had convinced yourself you were strong enough to get through this. It wouldn’t be that hard to play along until you escaped. But now that you were staring at it face to face, your confidence had all but vanished.
Edia wouldn’t have survived this…and now you weren’t sure if you would either.
“Get up. You’re going to be late.” She said with a sigh, grabbing a towel. When you made no move to get up she frowned, her eyes watching you with pity. 
“Y/N,” She whispered while grasping your arm. “Stand.”
Her voice pulled your attention to her, knowing she meant more than a simple command. You got out of the clawfoot tub and stood bare before the mirror, looking over yourself as the servants returned with a healer. They made quick work of drying you off and let the healer do his work, his hands roaming your ribs and back where you were bruised the most.
You did your best to cover yourself but he just grunted and went on about his work, keeping his eyes focused on your injuries. It was only a few more minutes before he bowed and left, the girls returning to fix your hair and makeup.
Myrna had been talking with someone about a meeting but you didn’t know who. With all the kohl they were lining your eyes with, you assumed it was with Eris or Beron, feeling like a doll being dressed up for display. 
“She’s ready.” One of them hummed. Myrna walked in to examine you and nodded in satisfaction, sending them away. She motioned for you to come into the main room, and you begrudgingly did, struggling to walk correctly in the ornate gown.
“Lord Beron is expecting you.” She explained, glancing at the door. You followed her gaze and frowned at the two guards waiting for you. “After that, you will come back here and wait for dinner with your intended.”
“My intended.” You snorted, taking her by surprise. It was the first time you had spoken in front of her. “You mean my master? My prison guard?” The words were now spilling out of you like a flood, unable to hold them back as your fists balled up. “The man who left his last wife bleeding out on-”
Myrna shushed you with a harsh glare and a finger to your lips, only angering you more. You went to push her away from you but noticed the guards had turned their attention towards you. She watched you like a hawk as the fight left your body.
You were outnumbered here. No one was under any obligation to help you and even if they could, you knew better than to expect them to do the right thing. They had their own lives and families to worry about, not some girl who was throwing her own pity party.
It made no difference if you fought or gave in. Either way, you were completely alone in your choice. 
“Child,” Myrna murmured, angling her body so that the guards no longer had complete eyes on you. “Do not fight with him. It will do you no good right now. Take in what Lord Beron says and leave as quietly as you came.”
She had a very serious look in her eyes that had your head feeling whiplash. Was she not just glaring at you and indifferent to your situation? What was she trying to do now? The questions clouded your brain until the guards stepped inside and cleared their throats.
They both walked up to you as Myrna seemed to disappear into the shadows, binding your wrists in the same rope from earlier. You rolled your eyes and looked at the person on your left, raising an eyebrow as you said, “Is this really necessary?”
The guard chuckled and shook his head. “We heard the commotion from your house this morning, girl. Lord Beron doesn’t want to take any chances.” 
Beron’s name was at the top of your list in red ink right now, as well as your father's. They were the masterminds behind this union and you weren’t the type of person to forgive easily. You could hold a grudge for years and as they led you down a separate flight of stairs, you took joy in imagining all the ways you could make the two of them suffer for what they had done to you and Edia.
Even if you couldn’t escape now, you could allow yourself this small dream.
Another long corridor was in front of you as you took the final step off the grand, spiral staircase. This hall seemed much more formal and lively, servants running around to make sure everything was polished to perfection. You tried not to stumble over your dress as you passed door after door, trying to memorize every detail.
Towards the end of the hallway was one of the larger doors painted a shade of deep blood red. It made you feel small as you took it in, noticing the three of you had stopped just outside of it. One of the guards reached to knock just as it opened, revealing a male with short, red hair.
He turned in surprise but quickly replaced that emotion with amusement. You could tell from the arrogance oozing off of him that he had to be one of the younger sons of Beron, cringing as he shamelessly looked you over like a piece of meat.
“I take it you are my eldest brother’s newest interest?” He taunted while leaning on the doorframe. “I’ve seen better but then again, I think I have a superior taste to Eris.”
It took all of your self-control not to react to his words. Myrna’s warning echoed in your mind as you locked your jaw and looked past him into the room, hoping he would leave when he saw you weren’t rising to the bait.
However, it did the exact opposite. Apparently this Vanserra took personal offense to being looked over and, before you could even blink, had his hand raised to strike you, teeth curled back in a snarl as he spat on your face. 
Every insult he could think of was firing out of his mouth at you but before he could actually hit you, someone cleared their throat behind him. The man turned, face red, and lowered his hand when he saw Beron.
“Anwir,” Beron said, smirking. “I thought I raised you better than this.”
Your eyes narrowed in suspicion as the man, Anwir, straightened his posture with a smirk of his own. “Apologies, father.” He responded with a small bow before giving you one last glare as he walked down the hallway.
Beron laughed under his breath before turning to you and welcoming you inside. One of the guards undid your restraints so you could shuffle inside, both of them standing by the door. You held back a snort at the thought that Beron, one of the oldest high lords, needed back up against you.
The study you were in reminded you of your father’s. It was a dark color with a roaring fireplace and various trophies hanging on the walls. Beron also had a massive painting of himself on the wall behind him, looking over the desk like some sort of deity.
You didn’t doubt that that was the point.
“I have to say that you are much more enjoyable cleaned and dressed.” Beron complimented, pulling out a chair for you to sit. You kept your eyes on him as he walked to the other side of the desk and sat as well, his smile not reaching his eyes. “However that beating was well deserved and, if I may, mild compared to what I would have done.”
Images of dungeons and torture devices flashed across your mind and he must have sensed it, his grin turning sadistic. “Precisely.” He gloated, licking his lips. “Perhaps that will keep you in line.”
When you didn’t reply, he hummed while looking for something, papers shuffling about until he pulled the one he wanted to the top. He cleared his throat as his eyes went from you to the paper, going back and forth multiple times before he laid it back down.
“This deal between your father and I has been many years in the making, almost a century,” Beron explained. “It is no secret the amount of land and people your father overlooks, the crops and money he brings in each year. My original plan was to kill him and take over, but, after recent events, I think this arrangement is much more favorable.”
You fisted your hands in your skirts as you took in the information. You assumed the “recent events” was his recent ally of the mortal queen, Briallyn. He had gotten two dozen Autumn Court soldiers butchered and his own son kidnapped, ruining what little trust your court had with the others. 
It had been a huge topic of discussion for everyone, from nobility to farmers. People had called into question his ability to lead and you had even heard a whisper of a coup. It was rare for the two classes to agree, but when it had been revealed Beron had allied himself with her, against the advisement of his closest people, everyone was pissed.
Beron had to do some major damage control and this marriage seemed to be one of the pawns in his game. A “royal” wedding would be a most welcome distraction to the people, give them something new to talk about besides his blunder. 
As you watched him, you realized he was grasping at power desperately, an animal backed into a corner. And he didn’t even know how easily everyone could see it.
“Edia was, of course, your father’s first choice, not even mentioning another daughter.” He snickered, pulling you back into the conversation. “He was adamant on only the best for her, wanting her to be the next “Lady of the Autumn Court”. I cannot help but find it funny he had no thought for you.”
He, like his sons, was trying to goad you into a fight. You could see where they got it from. Sharp fingernails dug into the leather of your seat as you bit your tongue hard enough to make you wince, knowing whatever you said would be used against you. 
“You don’t agree?” Beron asked with a raised brow. “Nothing? Oh well.”
The chair squeaked underneath him as he rose up to stare down at you, eyes dark with malice. “I am no stranger to sibling rivalry, Y/N. In fact, it is something I raised my children on. However, since you have made your sister disappear, this entire negotiation is up for debate.”
Heat burned your cheeks at his accusation, crawling up your spine and your throat as you glared at him. He tilted his head as his voice grew louder, the room seeming to shrink to just the two of you.
“I do not take lightly to someone interfering in my affairs. If it were up to me, I would have left you to be hung in the streets.” The words were like venom as his nostrils flared. “My son saw things differently. I suggest you remember that whenever you get that itch to do something stupid, as I’m sure you already have.”
“I held this meeting with you to remind you of your place. It is the only warning you will receive. In the absence of your sister, you are to be Eris’s wife. You will obey him, serve him, and submit to him in every way or there will be repercussions on a scale your small mind cannot fathom.”
His last words were your breaking point, face full of smugness as he said, “My family is too deeply invested in this for it to be broken over which sister my son gets to fuck.”
You swore you felt yourself become the fire in your veins as you stood swiftly, the smell of burning leather filling your nose as you lunged for him. Beron saw it coming, though, dodging your attack with ease as his own fire encircled your wrists and bound you to the chair.
The rings burned into your skin as you thrashed and cried out in pain, struggling against his magic as he watched with satisfaction. The guards had drawn their weapons at your outburst but Beron waved them off, enjoying the way your tears fell down in defeat.
“What a waste of magic.” He crooned as you set your eyes on him once more. “Was that it? I thought I might be able to push you harder. No wonder you are such a disappointment to your family.”
“Fuck off.” You rasped, chest heaving as you looked away in embarrassment. That magic had been inside you since birth but your mother was adamant on not teaching you to use it, insisting ladies didn’t need to know those things. 
“Shall I set your hair aflame next, girl?” He snarled, eyebrows scrunched together as he walked around his desk to come face to face with you. “This was a lesson in what lies in store if you do not comply. I hope you learned something here. The wedding will take place in a month's time so I would suggest coming to terms with your fate and falling in line with my rules.”
You tried to look away, but he grabbed your hair, just like your father, and forced you to stare. “You will attend lessons and training to mold you into the perfect woman, just as my wife did. Any disobedience will be dealt with immediately by myself or Eris, do you understand?”
All of the things you wanted to say died on your lips as your wrists throbbed in pain. He had burned them badly enough that they weren’t immediately healing, probably to remind you of this moment. It was no use to try anything right now, especially with how exhausted you were, so you nodded.
Beron smiled and, with a snap of his fingers, released you to his guards, the rope once again being tied around you but this time digging into your wounds. “Excellent, I’ll be watching. I look forward to seeing you at dinner tonight, Y/N. Good day.”
And with that, you were whisked away and back up the stairs, all but thrown into your room so they could shut it and lock you inside. You let out a scream of frustration as you grabbed the nearest thing, a vase, and threw it against the wall. It immediately shattered and scattered about the room but you didn’t care.
Soon you were grabbing things off of shelves and just going on a rampage, broken sobs bouncing off the walls as the gravity of what the rest of your life looked like. It was stupid of you to think you could do this, outsmart a high lord. 
You weren’t brave or selfless for taking Edia’s place. If anything, you were a fool for not putting yourself out of your misery the second Eris laid his eyes on you. Everything you had pictured for your life was falling apart in your hands, the dreams and plans floating away in the wind. 
A soft breeze wrapped around your arm as you readied it to throw a book into the wall, calling to you like a siren. You looked over and saw the window cracked open, birds singing to each other while you cautiously walked over.
As you peered over the edge, you saw how far the drop was. There was a small pool of water about sixty feet below you with sharp rocks barely poking out. The window itself was able to go out further than it was, and something whispered in your ear.
Beron’s words, Edia’s face, everything over the last twenty-four hours drowned out all other thoughts as your fingers gripped the edge until they were white. You had nothing left to lose. Everything you loved had been ripped away from you and no one cared. No one was going to save you, so why shouldn’t you?
One foot after the other climbed onto the small bench below the window until the only thing stopping you was your grip on the edges of the sill. Your heart thudded in your chest as part of you screamed no while the other wanted to welcome death so that you could be happy.
That was all you wanted. You just wanted not to feel so alone.
The wind whistled past your ears once more and you closed your eyes, taking a deep breath and uttering a prayer to the Mother to forgive you as you started to lean forward. You were ready to meet death earlier today, and now…now it seemed better than anything else.
Just as you said goodbye, the door clicked open behind you, making you startle and almost lose your balance. Your head whipped around to see who it was and you were terrified to see Eris. He had his arms crossed and eyes guarded as he took in the room, yourself, and the window.
After a tense moment of silence, he sighed and simply said, “Pity.”
Your face scrunched in confusion as you regained your balance, body half turned towards the room as he just sat on the edge of the bed. Here you were, literally about to throw yourself out the window, and he seemed as nonchalant as anything.
All you had to do was lean forward and you would plummet down to the rocks below, letting the Mother take you, and yet…you were hesitating.
“Aren’t you going to try and stop me?” You croaked, voice hoarse from the screaming. “Call your father? The guards?”
Eris looked you over with disinterest as he removed his jacket and undid his belt. “Do you want me to stop you?” He asked, looking down at his boots as he began to undo the laces.
“No.” You said a little too quickly, frowning as he walked across the room to a closet. “No, I don’t need anyone to stop me. Death is a far better option than this life. With you. Forever.”
He huffed out a laugh and emerged in simpler clothes, hair tied back beautifully. “Is your sister this dramatic? I’m starting to think I might just go hunt her down if this is what I am stuck with.”
The mention of Edia and hunting her down had you hopping off the ledge and onto the floor, your finger raised at him as you took a step toward him. “Do not even think about touching her. I will-”
Eris cut you off by grabbing your hand, tilting his head mockingly as you stared at him with narrowed, rageful eyes. “Did my father not just give you a lecture about being an obedient wife? And yet here you are, threatening me.”
You tried to pull back but he was much stronger than you, making you stomp your foot in frustration. He was just as arrogant and bastardly as the rest of his family. “I am not your wife and I will not be talked down to by someone who has to use their father’s threats to scare people.”
This seemed to strike a nerve as his eyes suddenly filled with anger. Your body once again went into fight or flight but you were so exhausted from today that you could not care less about protecting yourself. If you were going to die at the hands of him, then so be it.
But as he stared daggers at you, he never once raised his hand or grabbed your hair. Eris took you in, staring deeply into your eyes before his gaze traveled to your wrist that was still in his grasp. His upper jaw clenched at the blisters and scars, turning them over in his grip before shoving you away.
He smoothed out his shirt and licked his lips, hands clenched as he said lowly, “I suggest you come to terms with this reality quickly if you want to survive this place.”
A scoff left you as you crossed your arms and rolled your eyes. “I don’t want to survive this. I just wanted to protect my sister.”
The truth in that statement shocked you, eyes wide as you watched him cautiously. You expected him to laugh or mock you but neither of those things happened. Instead, a flash of sympathy lit up his eyes but it was gone so quickly you assumed it was imagined.
“If you care that deeply for your sister,” He began as he walked over to the window to shut it, his back turned to you. “You will do what it takes to make my father happy for the time being.”
You opened your mouth to say something but nothing came out. This wasn’t what you were expecting at all, especially from him. Eris ignored your gaping look and strode over to the door, looking back over his shoulder at you.
“Your death will be in vain for her shall you continue this act of rebellion.”
He was right and you knew it. It was why you didn’t jump, why the voice in your head pleaded with you to come back inside. If you died, they would either find your sister or another poor girl to replace you.
Eris pulled something out of his pocket and placed it on the small table by the door. “For the burns. I will see you tonight.” And with that, he left you alone without a glance back. 
As his footsteps faded away, you timidly walked over and picked up the salve, turning it over and over in your fingers. You were now very confused. Eris had seen you about to jump. Hell, he could’ve pushed you out himself but he chose to help you instead. 
What was his game? Why would he give you this if he had just threatened to tell his father about your actions? Was this his way of manipulating you?
Your mind raced as you listlessly walked into the bathroom and turned on the water as hot as you could, hoping the heat could drown out your waring thoughts until tonight.
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genderfluid-druid · 4 months
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hurr hurr I'm a human body hurr hurr I'm gonna solve all my problems using mucus
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girlstressed · 4 months
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can’t stop smiling in inappropriate situations
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bookslutskye · 3 months
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so i recently got top surgery and this was on my discharge papers after a mild complication
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theredtours · 24 days
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why yes I AM making boop gifs from screen recording
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snakesinsocks2005 · 24 days
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Pin for survivors
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theriverbeyond · 1 month
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Ideal work schedule:
I show up and am given a list of cognitively engaging but achievable tasks
I complete the list
I leave immedietly
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faeriekit · 6 months
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"This fic was ai generated—" Cool, so lemme block you real quick
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sunbentshadows · 2 months
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Hey all, you know how internet searches suck now? When the results are awful, full-of-AI, death-of-the-internet levels of bad?
Start appending date constraints to your searches - "before:2023".
My results have gone from 90% AI bullshit to ~60% usable - which frankly at this point is a huge improvement.
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hojlundaise · 5 months
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the transition im crying
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malwarechips · 12 days
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yknow i never noticed the sheer rareness of images having ids or alt text on this website until i started adding alt text to my art (and trying to remember to add it to any images i post in general, especially text screenshots) and that makes me kinda sad
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vamprisms · 25 days
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i feel like a lot of the 'i hate kids' crowd would be more tolerant if they understood that due to a kid's limited experience of the world that 4 hour flight might just be the longest they've ever had to sit still for or that trapped finger might literally be the most pain they've ever felt in their short life or they might not have ever seen a person with pink hair ever so of course they want to touch it or nobody's told them yet that they can't run around the museum and they only just learned cheetahs are the fastest animals so of course they want to put that to the test. how were they supposed to know etc etc.
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butchfalin · 5 months
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the funniest meltdown ive ever had was in college when i got so overstimulated that i could Not speak, including over text. one of my friends was trying to talk me through it but i was solely using emojis because they were easier than trying to come up with words so he started using primarily emojis as well just to make things feel balanced. this was not the Most effective strategy... until. he tried to ask me "you okay?" but the way he chose to do that was by sending "👉🏼👌🏼❓" and i was so shocked by suddenly being asked if i was dtf that i was like WHAT???? WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME?????????? and thus was verbal again
#yeehaw#1k#5k#10k#posts that got cursed. blasted. im making these tag updates after... 19 hours?#also i have been told it should say speech loss bc nonverbal specifically refers to the permanent state. did not know that!#unfortunately i fear it is so far past containment that even if i edited it now it would do very little. but noted for future reference#edit 2: nvm enough ppl have come to rb it from me directly that i changed the wording a bit. hopefully this makes sense#also. in case anyone is curious. though i doubt anyone who is commenting these things will check the original tags#1) my friend did not do this on purpose in any way. it was not intended to distract me or to hit on me. im a lesbian hes a gay man. cmon now#he felt very bad about it afterwards. i thought it was hilarious but it was very embarrassed and apologetic#2) “why didn't he use 🫵🏼?” didn't exist yet. “why didn't he use 🆗?” dunno! we'd been using a lot of hand emojis. 👌🏼 is an ok sign#like it makes sense. it was just a silly mixup. also No i did not invent 👉🏼👌🏼 as a gesture meaning sex. do you live under a rock#3) nonspeaking episodes are a recurring thing in my life and have been since i was born. this is not a quirky one-time thing#it is a pervasive issue that is very frustrating to both myself and the people i am trying to communicate with. in which trying to speak is#extremely distressing and causes very genuine anguish. this post is not me making light of it it's just a funny thing that happened once#it's no different than if i post about a funny thing that happened in conjunction w a physical disability. it's just me talking abt my life#i don't mind character tags tho. those can be entertaining. i don't know what any of you are talking about#Except the ppl who have said this is pego/ryu or wang/xian. those people i understand and respect#if you use it as a writing prompt that's fine but send it to me. i want to see it#aaaand i think that's it. everyday im tempted to turn off rbs on it. it hasn't even been a week
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cemeterything · 2 months
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it's such a bummer that losing control of your emotions only makes the entire situation worse in really embarrassing personal ways. losing control of my emotions should give me pyrokinesis.
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butchdonne · 6 months
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what studying literature feels like
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theriverbeyond · 7 months
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i must not get takeout. takeout is the wallet-killer. takeout is the little-death that brings total obliteration. i will face the kitchen, fridge, and pantry. i will make choices about what to cook and then execute them. when hunger is gone there will be nothing. only i will remain.
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