#to me its perfect and i cant move on

[junotter]

what i think is the reason I'm Just Ken is a good/as popular as it is is because the way it somehow explores both what its like to be a woman and man just through ken.

like the line "I'm just Ken. Anywhere else I'd be a ten." just feels very hitting as a woman in a social media world, especially if you've seen the truerateme subreddits and the ways they judge women.

and of course the fragility and inability to find meaning/self worth outside of a romantic relationship due to the strict boxes placed on men and male relationships (and even friendships between men and women).

theres more and i know im getting annoying with the barbie posts but i did really like the movie, regardless of how "bland" its feminism is. also just all the chronically online feminists complaining about how basic it is, like oh should we tell everyone? Should we throw a party? should we invite andrea dworkin.

like is it perfect? no. does it lack in intersectionality and have poc characters act as the support to white characters? yes. should ken probably of apologized? yeah. but many things can be true about one movie.

#barbie #barbie spoilers #tiktok feminists hate me cause i dont think this movie is “impossible for men to understand” or “not for men” #once again no gender will be free unless all genders are free #also the way r*dfems are instantly trying to make some gender critical gender essentialist take from this movie #once again i wanna state the movie is not perfect!!!!! but truly women cant do anything without someone barking at their ass #cause you know who was moved by this movie? the mothers who took their daughters because they both grew up playing with barbies #and ended up watching a movie that they saw themselves in more than they expected #also all the people being like “when it was the kendom the barbies were treated like objects but in barbie land the kens were just ignored” #and its like? yeah the kens were also treated like objects? half the kens jobs were just be at the beach #and they were really only there to fill the ken part of barbie and ken #also like either they all dressed the exact same and like half were just shirtless/had open shirts most the time #is it one to one #no #but cmon #r*dfems literally fully believe women are pure beings who can never do bad things while men are inherently evil like women can sexualize me #is the sexualizing of men the exact same as women? no. but barbieland is not the real world #no “you must hate waffles” shit under here you will get blocked

[samarecharm]

Playing ssbu; i really do love the direction they went for akiras entire moveset. His melees are sharp and aggressive, while his weapon and spell moves are nice and fluid. Really love how Legs he is; he is a gazelle prancing on the stage kicking everything in sight. Also love his midair neutral B; why is he spinning out of control??? And why is it so effective ? Every little detail they added to make the moves more ‘realistic’ really adds to his character 😊

#chattin #and he is SO flashy in this game lmao its a real treat #its hard to see what im doing in strikers so i cant really compare the movesets #but i did notice that the gun/special in strikers is just as flashy as his smash counterpart #following along w his moves is just me going weeeeeweeeeeeeheeheeweeeeeee #other thoughts; eiga and eiga adjacent moves are so explosive and rough in the main game #but in smash its like a little flick of the wrist ; thats a cute little change #i distinctly remember playing smash and loving it sm bc it was like a more realistic interpretation of the moves in the main game #so i am DEFINITELY enjoying strikers; i live for this shit lol #i think the only things i wanted to change for his moveset was to make his guns fire like fox’s #make the shots shoot out w a slightly faster rate of fire and make them do less damage without interrupting enemies #i feel like it fits the fast pace of his moveset more #and i know the best case scenario was getting the all out attack for his ult #(and its CUTE!! like heres akira and his ult; his FRIENDS!!) #but an ult w arsene or satanael wouldve been so rad #otherwise his moveset is perfect #he is so fast and aggressive and he is so good at applying pressure #watch some tourneys w him; ppl who main him are annoying as hell (usually) but u never get hear these guys talk during matches anyway #akira is like. mid. so hes never in grand tourneys. but hes so fun to play and watch

[drella]

hey guys have u guys heard abt the darkness that’s on the edge of town……..

#TN ILL BE ON THAT HILL CAUSE I CANT STOP ILL BE ON THAT HILL W EVERYTHING I GOT LIVES ON THE LINE WHERE DREAMS ARE FOUND AND LOST ILL BE #THERE ON TIME AND ILL PAY THE COST FOR WANTING THINGS THAT CAN ONLG BE FOUND IN THE DARKNESS ON THE EDGE OF TOWN 🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️ #hai tumblr it’s been so long………. #moved so far away to a new college and it has been so wonderful and beautiful and perfect yayyyyyyyy :D ^_^ #i got an awesome internship and i’ve been making friends and taking sick urban studies class and i’m so happy and proud of myself ehehehe!!! #I AM SO WOERIED IM GONNA FAIL ALL OF MY CLASS ACTUALKY THO LOL #and my adderall has been iffy or my tolerance is fucked or SOMETHING BUT ITS OKAY ITS OKAY THERES A DARKNESS ON THE EDGE OF TOWN #bruce is playing near me in like a month and i wanna go SOOOO BADDDDDD i saw him last february it was MAGICAL #TIL SOMEDAY THEY CUT IT LOOSE CUT IT LOOSE OR LET IT DRAG EM DOWN WHERE NO ONE ASKS ANY QUESTIONS OR LOOKS TOO LONG IN UR FACE IN THE DARKNE #SS ON THE EDGE OF TOWN 🗣️🗣️🗣️ #em.txt #bruce springsteen

[pikslasrce]

guys the apartment is so prettyyyy

#the plan rn is to move in completely by december since the place is unfurnished #and well have to get our furniture from our house in the hometown so theres a lot of logistics going on for the next month #anyways i went w my bro to check the place out for myself and aaah the room thatll be mine is perfect #its a bit small but like. in a good way. theres breathing room #i can already tell exactly where everything will be i cant wait to be able to start decorating it >:3 #ALSO THERES A BOMB SHELTER IN THE BASEMENT??? u guys dont know just how safe that makes me feel 😭👍 #also a cat lady lives next door and apparently the kitties hang out in the hallway which means ENRICHMENT FOR ME #piksla.txt

[maedaeme]

God it's been a LONG time since I've had the experience of 'I really do like this thing. maybe I will engage with other ppl on the internet who like it. (opens door) (everything is on fire) (closes door) nope'

#this is not a 'nothing i like can have problems' post this is the OPPOSITE of that #where ppl cant process flaws in characters or media without arguing its Perfect Actually or Secretly The Worst Thing Ever #literally go 'oh man i didnt like this part/oh man i loved that part' and MOVE ON...... #anyway my mutuals are smart and beautiful thank u for protecting me from 2009 style discourse #pointless post

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#im just gonna complain abt it here bc i just have to accept that i can't irl bc no one else gets it #its hard to b a dyslexic grad student. u have to read so much. and its good. lots of reading is good. u just have to contend with a soul #crushing amout of discouragement at the fact u just kinda cant read while ur peers r like sure i can read this in class and have things to #say abt it. if u make me read in my head in class i literally cannot fucking tell u what i just read. not a god damn thing and if i try to #let my computer read to me i cant fucking pay attention for long enough so i just have to accept that from here on out ill have to #physically read papers aloud which i hate so much. its the only way i can fucking understand things and it still makes me feel dumb bc ill #somehow still space out while reading and have to reread like 4 times before i understand wtf is being said. it takes forever and it takes #energy and i dont like talking very much and it also restricts me to only being able to read at home which is frustrating #and im like i need to stop my brain from distracting myself with things that dont matter and my counselor is like: ur ocd is trying to make #work ur whole life and im like yeah thats how i got it. its the only way i can keep swimming with the non dyslexics #so its like wtf do i do? i kinda have to take the hit and make work my whole life rn. morn the loss of other things for a while #i dunno im still a bummer rn. like im probably coming off as more an asocial freak than normal bc its hard to talk ans maintain conversation #rn. but whatever. sometimes things just suck and theres nothing u can do abt it but accept it and move on. ill learn lots of things with all #the reading i have to do and that's never a bad thing ...no matter how much i dont give a fuck abt animals #like jesus. i could not even begin to give a fuck about like 95% of mammals. fish r cool tho. plants too #but microbes is where its at. i dont understand y ppl dont understand how cool they r. oh well ill just have to tell them #if i can find my fucking enthusiasm. ugh i have to make one of my classes read a paper and i have to work with someone abt find it. she #works with like rabbits. i refuse to assign a mammal paper. i fucking refuse. we will do plants or microbes or fucking paleontology #i will fight her on this. ugh. light filtering or orchid speciation would b perfect. annoying #at least i get to work with some culturs this week #unrelated

[maretriarch]

i wish people would realize that 99.99999% of posts that fall under the "positivity post listicle" genre r little else than people listing traits they themselves have and dislike and wish they could change and find negative and undesirable truly have no confidence in but no willpower to change, and instead of any soul searching or changing of behavior make a post thats begging for likes and positive feedback on these negative traits as an avoidance tactic so they dont have to change

#remember its TOTALLY OKAY AND NORMAL if you dont do anything and cant get anything done and feel bad all the time and do nothing to change #it #you are perfect just the way you are anything negative you feel isn't the consequences of the way you lead your lifestyle its Society #this is abt a lot of posts but make bad art bothers me its pretty banal and #some people mean it in the best of intentions and some people uh arent #imho self improvement should always be on your mind and a gosl #complacency the enemy of success #feeling ire and irritation at these things isnt like society harming you its like when you itch when a bug lands on you its to protect you #to Conjole You Into Moving Forward #my art improved i stopped crying over it i gained Real confidence when i developed a truely critical and analyzing eye to it

[asyipyip]

hold on everyone shut up im getting super emotional about jonathan sims

#tma #kara stop blogging #thinking about the web. thinking about how it was his first mark #and how that mark how that unaddressed trauma so deeply affected him. #and how befitting that is for the web too- to tie someone up its strands for YEARS #thinkin about how almost every single decision that man makes is made out of fear #that motherfucker has never felt safe in his god damn life you can tell and im EMOTIONAL ABOUT IT #thinking about how so much of his fear response is CONTROL because of it. His ridiculous skepticism was him trying to control it #if he denies it if he refuses to believe in it it cant hurt him #about his paranoia and desperation for knowledge is so rooted in that fear of losing control #about his entire s4 arc and grappling with becoming inhuman. about not feeling like he has any kind of personal autonomy #and how so often thats written off as him making excuses (and dont get me wrong- he makes excuses too. im not saying he doesnt) but also- #like you look at what happened with his first leitner and its like. he couldnt move. couldnt do anything to escape #and then when the other boy got taken he couldnt do anything to save him either #of course he feels like hes never had any control #of course hes desperate for knowledge- if he had only *known* what couldve happened then he couldve prevented it. #the survivors guilt is so deeply part of his character #and thats what makes jonah targeting him so fucking insidious and scary #he took his man who is already so terrified- put him in a situation where he was so out of his depth #knowing that his fear response would be to desperately try and figure out what was happening- to keep asking questions-- #pulling himself deeper into the eyes influence and easily turning it around and making it Jon's fault #as if Jon isn't trapped like everyone else- it's just his fear response is so fucking perfect for the role the eye needs him to play #and then it leads to the ultimate trauma of ripping control away from Jon and forcing him to do something so fucking horrible #something he would never in a million years CHOOSE TO DO #how he's so terrified of being made a pawn and he is. playing a game against elias where he couldn't even see the board #locking him out of his own body...forcing him to open the door. like. FUCK #I MEAN FUCK DUDE. PETER LITERALLY SAYS “HE GOT YOU” WHEN JON ASKED WHAT HIS 'PRIZE' WAS #LIKE SCRATCH THAT!!! FUCKING SCRATCH THAT!! he wasn't even a player he was a fucking PIECE in the game #GOD!!! #GOD!!!! free my boy he did nothing wrong (he did so many things wrong)

[wellenklavier]

hmm I really want to change my name

#i have since high school but i just dont know. what to do bc nothing feels right or really stands out #my current one doesnt vibe with me and there are people who i am genuinely very wary of who know me by it so i just want to distance myself #from any association.. #but then what do i do w my real social medias. like do i just change it and not tell anyone. #anyway since im moving to a new state its perfect bc No One there will have any idea who i am and theres no chance to run into someone who #knows me by my current one.. #idk ive tried some and theyre fine but they dont click. sometimes i think ive found it and later its just like eehhh #and i would rather die than name myself some shit like sock or other infantilizing thing. and all the people i can think to name myself #after either have the most boring monosyllable or something way too fkin cool for me #cant win! its hard to ask people Well What Do You Think Fits Me bc thats a big ask lmao and ultimately i would have to rly think about #it. sm f h...... #that being said if ur reading this 1st of all damn 2nd of all u could suggest a name. could use the help lol

[parkeryangs]

ive learned to kind of. accept my sickness a lot more this year but some days ET is just so fucking miserable :(

#taking meds every single day to fix me but they DONT fix me its just slightly less bad #if i dont take them at the perfect time at night i will get so dizzy i cant even move (but irregardless i will get sick and dizzy anyways!) #sometimes im like idk do i even NEED meds bc its still awful with them but its so much worse if i ever go without #and i really havent been sleeping well for the last month or so which ALSO does not help at all........ #but i knoww my tremors are only going to get worse bc ive ALREADY declined a Lot since my dx #being this young with a disease common in middle aged + other adults is weird as fuck too like i've only been diagnosed for three years #i dont WANT it to keep getting worse for the rest of my life. i've hardly even LIVED any life. god #it makes me angry and i feel a bit bad for that but. nobody irl GETS IT #i literally cant do anything!!!!!! my eyes are shaking i cant read and w my hands i cant write rn. i dont have my guitar so i cant play tha

[mbat]

i think ive been a little bit depressed lately

#ignore me #my post #its just that #idk. what is there to my life #just sitting in this room that i feel like i was shoved into #ever since we moved idk #its literally christmas in 2 days i need to take a shower but i just cant bring myself to. whatever #tmi i think but like #since 2023 started i was actually doing really good on showering every other day or so #but when we moved that pattern stopped basically immediately #all i do is sit at the computer. me and my dad dont even watch shows together anymore #i miss my old room #i miss the old shower. i miss my furniture #i LOVED that desk. it was perfect #i feel like i dont have the freedom to do whatever i want anymore. theres no space. this house is too quiet. grandma is always here #shes not bad or mean or anything shes just old so she has rules and ideas that older people have #i hated that house but i loved that house #ill do it tomorrow #whats another day #idek what were gonna do for christmas this year anyway. will we even have gifts? #i know were gonna have good food and im looking forward to that

[nomaishuttle]

uninstalled all the dating apps which ws like 8nof them . in the morning ill tell the guys i was talking to that i overestimared how ready i was and hopefully theyll understand andnjust drop it

#i dont feel stable enough for like . any relationship platonic or romantic andnit fucking..rly sucks bc i want to have friends but like #with what happened with daj the other day im like. i dont think i can be like . idk. ik daj said it was ok and she understood but im so #upset that i lashed iut abt that and i keep trying to get into therapy but i fucking..cant find one. at all #im trying to be more reasonable witj mymoney and i know like. i need therapy bc i Need to work this out and i am not able to work it out #with myself. i need to see a professional abt this . so ik it wouldnt be frivolous to spend money on a therapist if i cant find one in #network. bc the in network thrapists dont accept/dont specialize in working with patients with bpd which i like. thats..my issue. im almost #posiitive. ive done a lot of research and it matches up with like . all of my experiences #ik everybody feels unstable after a breakup buti genuinely like. i dont feel whole. and im looking back on how i treated myself and thiught #abt the relationship and its like. i stopped talking to all my friends i stopped talking to my family i literally dropped out of school i #moved across the country i dropped any interest that we didnt share i literally like. i gave up fucking everything and thats not. healthy. #and he never aksed me for that and its not fair of me to resent him for me doing that bc he nevrr asked me to #but i feel like. everytime i think abt him it feels like im being torn in half like . i put him on so incredibly high of a pedestal i #literally thought of him as perfect that was..recurring. and when i was upset with him i took it out on myself horrifically and thats not #normal . and jow thinking abt him literally physucally hurts bc theres still that part of me that thinks hes perfect and that im a mistake #and a failure and i didnt Be connor right. and then theres a part of me that . doesnt think of him that way #and its just like. aughhf. even outside that relationship im looking back on past friendships and how like..obsessive i get with them #and then when they 'betray' me i just. immediately turn on them and like. thats not normal.. #and my sense of identity is um. Well you guys have seen. you know. #ive looked into it a lot and i rly think i have it and im not like. 100% positive but i feel like even if i dont itd be good to work with a #therapist who Has experience with that. since the experience is so similar. yk. idk #i just feel insane and i feel like bod would make like. so much of my life and the way i act and the way i react to things like..it makes #sense when i look at it as if i have bpd. and if i dont it literally seems completely irrational and erratic like. IDK. so basically i need #a therapist who can work with that but none of the ones in network specialize in that and then i was researching and found out a lot of #therapists specifically Dont work with bpd patients and like. judge their peers who do for woriing with bod #which is 1. Actually disgusting 2. Straight up stupid 3. Terrifying. so i only want to work with a therapist whi explicitely says I #specialize and work with patients with bpd 👍 but i literally could only find 1 and theyre out of network and its 15p for visit and id #prefer to do weekly visits if possible but thats . 300 per paycheck for therapy . biweekly itd be better but thats still 150. and i have to #save up for the trip home and then the new apartment immediately after #and i have to get credit card . #and in an ideal world id hold off on the therapist until i get my new apartment so that i can fully focus on coping with myself and learnin

[todayisafridaynight]

I have gotten two of my friends interested in Tsuma just by spamming GIFs so can confirm the Cutest Old Man In Media strategy has a high success rate... ON THAT NOTE. Very strong list of cuties... I Must Agree... Ikegami may be At Least A Little heinous but can't argue with that reasoning...

AND OK LISTEN. Some things I tell you are meant to be locked away in the vault never to be spoken of again... Tsutsumi's retirement is one of those... [just kidding it's fine LMAO he can do whatever makes him happy But I Will Cry I'm Sorry WE GET LIKE ONE MAINLINE GAME EVERY FOUR YEARS WHAT IF JO NEVER COMES BACK AAAA] BUT YES. YEAH. Very curious how he might do as a director...

DJKLGHJKLSDHLKS NO THAT'S THE FUNNIEST THING because I will generally just mention something in passing without actually recommending it but you'll go for it anyway😭😭😭NOT COMPLAINING. NOT COMPLAINING IN THE SLIGHTEST you have my deepest gratitude after A Lifetime of having my recommendations fall through and not being able to talk about stuff I'm into I cannot say this enough 😭😭😭😭😭but of course, definitely checking out the movie when I can :] I wish I could've watched before responding but busy day... oh well...

Speaking of! Kagerou Touge here and Tonbi here. They're both a bit less than three hours and split into two parts sooooo up to you <3 I don't remember enough about Tonbi to summarize it any better than what's on the page and It Is Best I Leave Kagerou A Surprise From Start To Finish. Bali Big Brother has been a bitch for years though unfortunately😩no subs may or may not be better than the machine-translated subs I had to work with

AGREED ON EVERYTHING ABOUT ATR NO NOTES NO ADDITIONS... YOU GET ME... KUROMI/MY MELODY-CORE SO REAL I felt like stopping and pointing whenever you could see their charms😭😭😭big fan... huge even... also the visual direction was Overall really good it is such a pretty anime and goes So Hard with the rain motif... SPEAKING OF THE FINALE WHICH I LOVED FOR THOSE SAME REASONS AS WELL Akira imagining breaking into a run to kiss Kondo on the cheek in the "date" ep but when she actually does it in real life it's a hug... as friends... broooooooo 😭😭😭😭😭

can't believe you're just hoarding keisuke gifs from me 😭 yes ive seen all of the show but STILL BUT REGARDLESS I'M GLAD YOU GOT OTHERS ON BOARD truly love this show a lot for keisuke... even beyond him tho not only is the cast really lovely but again i really love where the story went and how it all culminated in its last episodes..

and LISTEN Yes Ikegami Is A Lil Rank. Comes With Being A Yakuza but i do not have many options out of the charas ive seen tsutsumi play 😔 we been through this ttm is either very heinous or very serious in his films.... have to be careful..... plus i still think him smiling so much during the filming of the movie was cute, he's just a little silly to me 😔

but if tsutsumi isn't due to come back cause of his career, i gotta be the one to rip the bandaid off an assume jo prob won't return after this game. which either means 1.) joins the graveyard of tsutsumi charas 2.) He Somehow Gets Out Just Fine ???? And Just Does His Own Thing ???? Alone ???? either way... very intrigued to see what LaD8 has in store with that in mind...

there's some evil parasite in my brain that makes me immensely interested in things- like i accidentally went down a rabbit hole on The Superman Curse after someone made an aside comment about the latest flash movie DO NOT mention things to me because i will investigate it thoroughly... AND IM GLAD I DO CAUSE I FIND GEMS LIKE THESE !!!!!!!!! with that said i hope you enjoy the movie if you get to it !! (❁´◡`❁)

AND SPEAKING OF EPIC THANK YOU SO MUCH !!! i wouldn't mind with auto-generated subs tbh.... i've worked with less honestly BUT for now i'll see to watchin these two tonight ||ヽ(*￣▽￣*)ノミ|Ю

I REALLY LOVED THE RAIN THEME OF AtR. like Yeah That's On The Label BUT STILL it really fit the title so well... AND YAYA THE PARALLEL IN THE DATE EP FANTASY VS THE FINAL EP REALITY.... cinema.. LITERAL cinema i LOVE so so much the direction the anime went with their relationship... i said it enough but it's just so refreshing and great to see...

#long post #snap chats #all of this said tho i will be saddened when ttm does eventually retire. an inevitability it cant be helped but yk.. #But Again Ultimately i still wish him the best in his career and the rest of his life when that day comes ! #wont stop me from enjoying his older (and potentially newer :]) works (❁´◡`❁) #O BUT REAL i totally get havin stuff you rec or mention in earnest be brushed off #so whenever people tell me bout stuff i'm always willing to give it a try if i think it's interesting enough #esp if they're really passionate about it. i always feel bad for dampening people's passion one way or another #so i keep my mind wide open :) one day my curiosity/earnestness will be the death of me #but so far it's shown me. A Lot of ttm and nakai films that i love PLUS AtR SO not complaining yet !!!!! #AtR really is super good.... ive made small scribbled for it for myself but i must find ways to make Anyone camero in my comics... #its the only way i can Vaguely share my other interests with people at this point LMAO but anyways... moving on so i dont give hope... #timing's perfect i wasn't sure what to do for the rest of the night other than watch game speedruns so MOVIE TIME IT IS !!!!! #kagerou looked really interesting to me so ill start there...

[august--and-everything-after]

I fucking HATE that with traditional art, if I fuck something up or try adding something that doesn't work, I can't just go back or remove layers or whatever. I had this drawing I was so fucking proud of and I tried to add a subtle background and completely fucked it. The drawing is still intact but now it has this mess behind it and I'm pissed.

#also it drives me insane when i see a timelapse of someone doing digital art and they just like move shit around after the fact #oh the face came out a bit narrow? just move it #the one eye looks perfect but it slightly off alignment? just like pick it up and shift it over #meanwhile with traditional art its almost impossible to fix the proportions like that after the fact #i could fix this by a) getting better at traditional art but id have to spend hours and hours every day and my shoulders cant handle that #or b) learning digital art which i guess i could do if i got a program and taught myself how to even use the program and then taught myself #how to do digital art at all since its not the same as traditional and then my shoulders would still be fucked up #i dunno man im just so tired and pissed with myself #sorry my blog has turned into some emo teenager's diary i guess that's who i am lately

[s0urte3th]

mom is bitching at me how i need to wear short sleeves TOMORROW, and just get over it

#‘you NEED to wear them tomorrow’ or what. #youre gonna take my phone away? im just AnXioUs and need to get the fuck over it? #woman youre lucky i dont fucking take my car and leave. youre lucky i don’t disappear without a trace. #‘we love you and dont care and dont judge!’ i understand that. i do. #but sometimes that just doesnt matter. you can say that to me all you want and ill always have a voice saying otherwise! #i cant just get over this hump. i dont know how to explain it to you but i just cant. its not that simple. #i cant just.. get up and get moving like you want me to. i dont know how to tell you that im absolutely fucking exhausted. #‘youve been taking a break for 6 weeks now’ and? i worked my ASS OFF. FOR 5 FUCKING YEARS STRAIGHT. I DESERVE A BREAK! #IVE EARNED A GODDAMN BREAK. IVE EARNED A FUCKING SUMMER OFF. THIS IS MY FIRST SUMMER OFF IN 5 GODDAMN YEARS WOMAN #i dont care if you think im being lazy. im sorry i dont work the same fucking way you do! but thats a you issue! #‘you need to get your life together’ WELL I DONT WANT TO! I DONT WANT TO RIGHT NOW! I WANNA BE A STUPID COUCH BUM! #i basically just learned that EVERYTHING. I WORKED FOR! IS USELESS! i pushed myself to the edge a constant amount of times over the past 5- #years for NOTHING. because i am incapable of doing anything without someone telling me to or holding my hand. #how do you expect me to know what to do with my fucking life when the life i thought i always had was just shattered? #ive trailed off my planned path! i didnt plan for this! i never thought it could happen! i thought id be PERFECT! #imagine being told your entire life how smart and capable you are only to fail right as someone isnt holding your hand anymore. #just #whatever man. if i dont wanna wear short sleeves i wont. if i dont wanna go outside i wont. #i didnt want to interact with the world anyways. especially after finding out that i dont fit in whatsoever.

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#srry to be all vent posts and no art but the stress is high rn #i feel a little better now. i forgot how much i love working with the culture collection #i go in when theres no one there and i just spend a few hours listening to podcasts as i move slime from tube to tube #it forces me to do one thing bc once i start i cant stop. i just like it a lot. i havent done for like the last 2 semesters bc we had the #money to pay a student to do it. and at the time i was in the thick of taking photosynthesis measures and it was causing me a lot of pain #and transfering was like the one lab task i liked to do so it felt like i was being punished. i could no longer do the thing most aligned #with my interests. and i just let it go bc in my brain im not allowed to do things that i enjoy. if i enjoy it its not hard enough. #so i just let it go. and let myself be crushed under the weight of things i don't enjoy and now here we r #a little light has returned to me #and its not all bad. i am looking forward to giving a lecture next week. i like communicating info to others and deciding what to talk abt #ill try to make it fun. if i have the time. and im looking forward to my meeting tomorrow morning. everyone ive met with so far does really #cool research. id be happy to wind up anywhere. but if i get into the big scary uk uni then i have to go there bc the project is so perfect #i dont dare get my hopes up. and tho my interview today wasnt the best i learned some really cool things by talking to the guy and im more #prepared moving forward. #however i did agree to make both my sisters sticker sheets for xmas and that is gonna take so much time i might die. so ya kno rip #but like i said. not all bad. #unrelated