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#to not go on an off-topic rant

welcome to another edition of “am i actually a terrible person?” brought to you by Crippling Self-Doubt™️

#ive just been feeling terrible this weekend bc i have classes again tomorrow, #and i feel like i didnt spend my 2 week holiday like i wish i had, #and also w school comes a heavy midterm season, #and i dont even wanna Think about That yall, #even tho i have two midterms at the end of the week :)), #yknow sometimes i think basing my sense of self worth almost entirely on my school performance as an indicator of my intelligence, #is maybe a little bit unhealthy lol (/s i know its extremely unhealthy but alas here we are), #thank you to everyone who contributed to it by bullying and isolating me to the point that i was only complimented on for my grades, #/s, #yall can go fuck yourselves, #funny how every time i think im getting over the damage years of bullying and basically social isolation did to me, #some new breakdown happens, #gotta love that for me (/s) :))))))), #ícaro rants, #oh yeah i went off topic but this current spiral is specifically bc a part of my self worth is also based on how helpful i can be to people, #(basically if i can help them i am of value to them and they have a reason to tolerate and even like me), #and that links to my grades bc since its known that im one of the best students ppl ask me for help w school stuff, #lately its been happening a lot since we got into ap classes and esp bc im in ap maths and am consistently the first or second best in class, #so this dude ive known for years thru being in the same class as him but dont rlly talk to super often or am super close with asked for help, #i dont even know what exactly for bc he was just like yea im having some trouble w this math assignment i have to do could you help me, #that was at like 5pm, #its now past midnight and i havent even clicked the message only read it thru the notif, #so im feeling bad abt it but at the same time like ffs its the last day of the holidays mf you couldnt have hit me up sooner??, #and im already having a bad brain time today so yknow. not in the mood to be all tutor-y rn, #but yknow. self worth based on what i can do for others. tough luck
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So, I have a rant on my chest and no proper place to put it, so I’ll just rant to the Tumblr people.

So, fear is a huge part of my life. As sad as that may sound it’s kinda true. I’m scared of a lot of things. The amount I’m scared definitely changes depending on how I’m feeling but more often than not I’m not the most courageous person. I have more tangible fears than I can count on both hands but I have one intangible fear that sticks out the most. Not death, at least, not particularly. My fear of death is more connected to pain in death and slow death than just the end of my life. As an example, I’d be fine dying if, and only if. A) I didn’t see it coming and B) it was instant. So please don’t worry about me hurting myself because it’s directly the pain that I’m scared of. I won’t attempt suicide either because, once again, seeing the end coming for me is another thing I’m terrified of. But back to my worst intangible fear. I’m scared people will come to hate me for being the person I am. I do think a lot of my personality traits that I view as negative can be attributed to my ADHD. People might think I’m lazy or that I don’t take anything seriously. They might think that I’m disrespecting them by getting into an argument I’m not qualified to be in in the first place. People might get mad at me for not having opinions or not hating a certain person. In fact that’s happened before. A lot of the time I do have opinions on certain things. But if somebody else has an opposing opinion and I have to get into an argument things start getting dicey. I can’t argue against people. It’s really hard when all I really retain are the things I like and the strong opinions without anything to back it up. And at the same time you may think an inability to hate is a positive trait but not being able to hate people means you are bound to have disagreements with people who are morally in the right. Sure if you’re put in a non-political environment the inability to hate becomes much less of a problem. But frankly I’m basically being forced into a political environment. So many of my friends talk about politics constantly and I just can’t join in on the conversation. It feels so alienating, once they start talking politics I have to back out of the activity. And if you say “Oh why don’t you just do research into the topic.” Well to be completely honest with you, I don’t feel like it. I don’t want to. It’s not that I’m fine being distanced from my friends. That’s not how it is. I just don’t want to. and these two concepts do bounce around in my brain. Constantly clashing and colliding. “I want to get closer to my friends, but I don’t really feel like reading up on that topic.” And at the same time my friends are in so much deeper than I am. So many people I know read, watch and listen to the news. They look into the new topics that they care about and argue about them online. And good for them, I guess, that’s a hobby that can give you life skills. But how the hell am I supposed to catch up to that. Every fucking day of my life people are going to be talking about politics no matter where I am. It can alienate people. I’m an apolitical. I don’t like politics and prefer not to interact with it. I have opinions on topics but I just don’t feel like putting them out there because it doesn’t interest me. And I know that’s extremely privileged but what the hell am I supposed to do? Go against my own nature to fit what other people want from me? Well I’m sorry I wasn’t born neurotypical. But even then I feel like nothing I’m saying is justified. I feel like I kinda deserve it for being apolitical because somebody I trust and hold in high regard made me feel terrible for being it. Politics will permeate every single instance of my life and I think I can just not interact with it? what the fuck kind of privilege am I on? how the fuck am I supposed to feel good about myself when people are telling me to directly contradict my own feelings? my own nature? my instinct? If I’m told all of that is wrong what am I left with? I’m left with a stupid, lazy, self-loathing, useless, piece of shit that can’t even name an achievement he’s proud of.

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Thanks for playing!

Phinabella: 1 (I LOVE THIS SHIP! Best ship in this fandom!)

LISTEN, THIS IS THE GOOD STUFF.

This is the kind of positive, soft romance I like seeing in animation aimed at kids? Because children, who are in that phase of life when you do take such things on TV at face value, grow up and shape their idea of romance based on what is presented on media.

And those two! They’re so supportive of each other, they always help each other, they have such a… natural understanding of each other too?

There is no nasty jealousy that causes the girl to act like a jerk, there is no toxic “pulling the girl’s pigtails” nonsense and neither has to seem smaller for the other’s sake; their respective strengths help each other.

Phineas is a genius inventor, but he still needs help and Isabella has the leadership and organization skills necessary to round the majority of Phineas’ projects up. They’re a team, they’re equals to each other - and they have fun doing this with each other!

It’s not just Phineas’ projects and Isabella just does it for his sake; she has fun with it too and she gets to shine and occasionally she actually has gain from it too - when it earns her one of her Girl Scout batches.

send me a ship and I’ll rate it on a scale from 1 to 7!

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