something happening on a mission, something personal that has soap spiralling; panic and rage making him reckless, thoughtless, and ghost has to draw the line
“you’re compromised johnny; you know what that means?”
“you’re not pulling me out,” soap immediately snarls. he turns on him and ghost barely recognises him; venomous fear turning his eyes to unyielding ice. "you're not sidelining me; i need to be in this-!"
but ghost has never been afraid of venom; spat or dripped straight from bared fangs.
he snakes out a hand grip the back of his neck, jerking him in a rough shake. "if you can't think, you can't be a soldier," he growls and he flinches like he's been struck.
his lips quiver as they twist in a sneer and he wrenches, trying to free himself of his hold.
ghost doesn't let him.
"it means you give your body to me because your head ain't fucking attached to it anymore."
soap stills, body trembling beneath his hand as he sucks in shaking breaths.
he tightens his grip, pulling him closer and digs his forehead hard into his. “it means you give yourself to me so i can have the weapon that you are and use you the way you're meant to be used."
the ice in soap's eyes fractures.
ghost’s voice drops to a whisper, spoken only to johnny, not this facade of vengeance and pain, and wills it to reach him through the glaciers.
“so i can keep you safe ‘til it’s done and i can bring you back.”
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i was hoping to make a post like this under happier circumstances, but here goes.
as some of you know, everything with the cancellation and renewal campaign has happened right on top of the worst part of my mom's cancer treatment (plus the show was cancelled on my actual birthday 💀). i won't go into details, but it's been tough. lots of ups and downs, mostly downs, luckily ending (for now) on as much of an up as circumstances allow. the whole thing has been weirdly tied to the cancellation for me, kind of amplifying every feeling. the grief got mixed up, and there was so much of it - mourning the loss of the kind of future i thought i'd have with my mother and the time we might not get, mourning the end of a show that means so much to me and is such a big part of my life. different types of grief, sure, and of different magnitudes, but in one big ugly swirl. i sort of had a breakdown right at the start of february, and it was because of news about my mom, but it morphed into my brain telling me everything i'd ever written was shit and wanting to delete it all. stuff like that, spilling over.
anyway. i was holding off on writing this post to see if the show got picked up by someone else. but i still want to say it. because what also spilled over was the support and community from this fandom, and being in this space (despite the rough times and high emotions) helped me through it, because of all of you here. whether we talk regularly, or you left a comforting reply or simply a like on one of my posts about having a hard time (i tried to keep them few), or wrote a nice comment on a fic, or said something funny or nice or insightful in the tags of a gifset, or was active here (or on twt) in any way, talking/sharing/creating stuff about the show - THANK YOU.
you all helped me through all the ups and downs, and i am so grateful. thank you for being here, listening, distracting, helping me feel some joy despite the horrors. i love you and i love this incredible show and all it has brought and will continue to bring and inspire, and although it should go without saying, i'm not going anywhere. just do me a favor and give yourself a big ol' hug from me, and know that you made a difference for some random guy on the internet (but in reality for many more, and for this fandom as a whole, just by being here and being you) 💕
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what do you MEAN robins are Alfred’s fault are you telling me he’s going around with a butterfly net like AHA I GOT ONE
tldr in sorrowverse batman might have been able to talk dick grayson into staying home and not fighting crimes if he hadn't found out that bruce wayne was batman. which he did. because someone got so offended by the hypocrisy of bruce complaining about the small child entrusted to his care refusing to cooperate and constantly putting himself in danger that it overrode his good sense. this was a terrible idea and now robins are a thing that exist and alfred will never admit that this was all his fault.
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@strangersteddierthings this is for you. (There will be more, but I have stuff to do for Environmental Science homework, and need to post something about it, so that I can’t decide to give up abandon this—so I guess this is part 1/???)
—
Honestly, Eddie wasn’t sure where he went wrong. One minute, he was sitting with Steve, watching some movie that Steve had been far too excited to show him, and then next minute he was walking home. Alone.
It had been his fault, really, and he knew it.
He had kissed Steve Harrington. He had kissed Steve Harrington. What the actual fuck had he done?
There was something in him that jumped at the chance to make a real move once Steve had said he also liked men, and something in him that wanted to curl up and die on the spot because that just made this whole situation worse. Because he liked guys, but he didn’t like Eddie, and that was all too apparent when Steve’s face went from nervous to startled, frozen in place as Eddie instantly regretted everything.
“Is this a joke to you?” Steve had whispered, his voice sounding broken, tears in his eyes as he stood up and looked over at Eddie, arms crossed over chest like he was trying to hide himself—slumped over like he wanted to disappear.
“Steve—“
“I—I’m being serious! I mean it, Eddie…do—do you know how hard this is to say? How much it hurts to admit?” Steve shook his head slightly, his eyebrows pinched together, and Eddie wanted to explain everything, but he couldn’t. He was stuck, frozen in place on the couch, wanting so badly to tell Steve what he meant—what he wanted.
But he was walking home alone. The air was cold, and it felt even colder since he had left in a hurry, excusing himself before Steve would’ve started crying, because it hurt to see him like that, so scared and devastated—like he thought Eddie was going to tell everyone. And he wasn’t. Of course he wasn’t! He would never do that—but Steve didn’t know that.
So he had left his coat, only in a t-shirt and jeans.
He was going to have to go back and get it eventually. He knew that. But he didn’t want to face Steve—to have to admit why he did what he had, and how it wasn’t a joke to him—it was never a joke. It was just easier to ignore him than to face the truth and have to tell him.
The one thing nobody ever talked about enough was how painful feelings could be.
EDIT: there are more parts, and it is finished (maybe I don’t know if I’ll expand on this in the future)!
part 2, part 3, part 4
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