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jotatetsuken · 1 year

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Commitment Phobia

features: levi ackerman x gn!reader | WC: 3400

summary: due to many personal events, and events happening around you, you had started feeling wary of committing yourself to a relationship, until you met a certain someone.

warnings: dark content pretty much (so minors DNI), mention of abusive relationships, molestation attempts, divorce, death, trauma, injuries, self- indulgent AF, spoilers if you have not watched the anime or the OVA “No Regrets”

a/n: I’m backkkkk! Also, a belated happy birthday to humanity’s strongest soldier (it was on the 25th)!! yes yes i’m very late in posting but, i’m glad i’m getting this out fnfndndnd. i first saw him in a fanart reel, after which i learned that some of my friends were watching it. then, when i started watching, what got me attracted to him, was not his looks, not his battle skills, not the laurels he’s achieved, but the way he’s learned from his childhood and has become stronger in his mind. this chapter is based on a real-life experience i’m going through and writing about it keeping levi in mind really helped me. also i am crossposting this from quotev.

Tagging: @akaashi-todorki @bmthevick @sookisaurus @wakatshi @ofallthingswhythis @25-30-03 @romiyaro @whinestonecowgirl (taglist form)

It was just another day where you were undergoing training as a part of the Special Operations Squad of the Survey Corps under the leadership of Commander Erwin Smith and Squad Captain Levi Ackerman. All of you were preparing for the closing of Wall Rose with the secret weapon: Eren Yeager, in his Titan form. Unexpected, right?

When you lived in Shiganshina inside the Wall Maria in the past, you had become friends with Eren Yeager, Mikasa Ackerman, and Armin Arlert despite being 11 years older than them. You considered them to be your children and treasured them. Aside from being intelligent like Armin, brave like Eren, and skilled like Mikasa, you were also extroverted. It was clear that you did not hold back when it came to expressing your feelings. Your goal, like Armin’s, was to discover what life was like outside the walls. In your mind, this desire was a way to escape the harsh reality of your family situation.

Having just started living in Shiganshina after moving from The Underground, your father started working in the coal trading business, your mother teaching history in one of the best schools in the Stohess District of Wall Sina, and your sister was a professional artist despite having undergone physical abuse from her previous marriage, the life you were living wasn’t a bed full of roses, but you liked to think it was because you could have it all, being the youngest child.

There was one thing that kept bugging you, however. If you were to marry in the future, would your marriage last? In a world where your life could disappear in the blink of an eye, and you could lose people far sooner than you think, what’s to say that you’d be able to live a happy life with someone you loved?

Despite your parents’ disagreements, they eventually made up and became a stronger couple, but the experience still caused you to wince at confrontations in relationships. Also, because you lived in The Underground, you were subject to mockery from the elite, and different merchants frequently attempted to molest you, but you kicked them in their sensitive areas and ran, unaware they were looking for you, only to be killed the next day. Although you were compassionate with everyone, these thoughts clouded your head, making it difficult for you to fall in love.

You didn’t have time to think of anything else though, because you witnessed Carla Yaeger being eaten alive by the Smiling Titan, as Hannes, one of the unit captains of the Garrison, dragged you along with Eren and Mikasa. It broke your heart to lose Carla, who you were close to because you were neighbors. But you ran back to the houses, leaving Hannes’ hand, to check on your family, who were in danger, except for your mother who was in Wall Sina, but she called to check in on all of you. You seemed to have lost your father, as you didn’t know where he was.

Your sister’s feet and hands were crushed by the crumbling walls, so you called Hannes, who introduced you to Rico Brzenska, one of the Garrison's team leaders, who led you to Grisha Yeager, Eren's father, who was a doctor. While he treated your sister’s wounds, he was unable to save her feet and certain fingers. In addition to bandaging them and giving her some medical supplies that would have normally been expensive for free, Grisha advised her to move to Wall Sina to be with her mother so she could recover more quickly. Despite your sister’s concern, you promised her that you would fight for your family’s safety, and that you would find your father's location, and you kissed your sister goodbye, telling her you would see her later.

Like Eren, you joined the Survey Corps to kill every one of the Titans, but you somehow had a hunch before that the Titans seemed humanlike so killing them mercilessly wouldn’t make sense, so you’d search around for the meaning behind the deaths of many. Having joined the Special Operations Squad of the 104th Survey Corps, you were amongst the quickest to learn, and you had the natural leadership skills, having later earned the trust of Erwin Smith, the Commander, and Levi Ackerman, the Squad Captain.

You were also good at cooking, making sure that Sasha Blouse, one of your fellow cadets, got her first serving so that she wouldn't go hungry, and you were quick to control the commotion despite being one of the loudest. There was also something else that you made sure of. You told everyone to clean your quarters, telling them there’d be surprise inspections from the leadership team (usually just a lie to make sure the rooms were clean), failing which they’d receive punishment from the captain, and you’d have to keep an eye out for the troublemakers, Sasha, Connie Springer, and Jean Kirstein, to do their job well, even bribing Sasha with a delicious meal once she was done.

And the best part? You were hoping to catch Levi’s attention, not that you were doing all of this for him. It was your hope that he'd notice you at all, not only on a professional level, but also on a personal level, since you developed an infatuation for him when you saw him for the first time coming back from the 56th Expedition.

While everyone was looking at the Corps in awe and some with disgust when you first looked at Levi’s eyes, you saw pain, and your heart reached out to him. You saw him turn to you, noticing that you looked at him differently, with warmth in your eyes, and he left a small smile at you, indirectly thanking you for understanding him for what he was going through.

Even though you were a cadet, you were close with Levi, Erwin, and Hange Zoë, one of the other Squad Leaders, having been able to tame your fellow soldiers and an innate desire to learn about the secrets like Erwin, to research stuff and be a crackhead like Hange, and mature and understanding like Levi. Like Levi, you had your fair share of a high number of solo kills. That was only because the need to kill the Titans drove you as they endangered your family and killed Carla and, later on, Grisha. You later learn that another Titan killed your father, but had sent multiple letters to your family in Wall Sina, leaving them with provisions and fortune enough to carry forward with their lives.

The trust earned made Erwin promote you to a fellow Squad Captain along with Levi, who honestly was very delighted. He seemed to have an infatuation for you the moment he first saw you when he was coming back from the expedition, and even though you hung out with Hange a lot, researching the reason for the existence of the Titans, whenever she’d go overboard, you knew when to control her, reminding her to not put other soldiers’ lives at risk, causing Levi’s feelings to deepen over time. Although there was something that he could never understand about you. Why was it that, despite you being friendly with everyone, you looked like you had skeletons in your closet? Levi could trust you, so why couldn’t you trust him?

All those doubts were going to go away, when in the evening after the training session, you called Levi and told him to come to the rooftop of their headquarters for some tea. At nightfall, you were closing your eyes, praying to a God different from that of the Wallists, asking him to help you lay down the walls in your heart and open up to Levi, when you hear someone clearing their throat, revealing themselves to be Levi. He noticed that you’d prepared black tea for him, especially because he liked it. You also told him you liked your black tea with milk because that’s what you grew up drinking. That’s when you heard the most annoying response from Levi.

Levi snickers, clicking his tongue, “Tch. Black tea with milk. Why do you have to be so annoying with tea?” You respond, “Excuse me,” and playfully hit his arm. “It’s the one thing my parents loved to drink growing up. My father used to tell me stories of who he was before being sentenced to the Underground.” Levi, perplexed, inquired further, “What do you mean, who he was?” You responded, “My father’s not an Eldian by birth, but by marriage to my mother. He was not from Marley, either. He was somewhere from the Oriental.” Raising an eyebrow, he questioned, “Was he a part of the Azumabito clan?” You nervously chuckle, “Oh, no-no. But he lived nearby. That’s where he grew up drinking black tea with milk and now, I can’t drink it any other way.” You gave a soft smile, remembering the laughter that echoed in your house, only to now have been a distant memory. “Oh, boy,” Levi shook his head in disappointment. He saw you looking at the moon with sad eyes, and while with one hand, he was drinking tea, he put his other hand on yours. You left him a small smile, holding his hands after some time.

A comfortable silence lingered between the two of you, which he broke by inquiring, “You miss them?” “Hmm?” Breaking out of your reverie, you turned to him, causing him to question, “Your family. Do you miss them?” Sighing, you respond, “Yes, Levi. I do. My mother and my sister are all I’ve got. I was closer to my father, though. His demise is still hurting me.” As Levi came a bit closer, he put his head on your lap, with his face turned to you, and said, “Well, I never had a father, per se. But I miss my mother. She may have done a lot of wrong things, but I’m grateful that she gave birth to me.” You then put the tea set to a side, subconsciously patting Levi’s head and then humming a tune that you grew up listening to.

“Are you, are you comin’ to the tree

Where I told you to run so we’d both be free?

Strange things did happen here, no stranger would it be

If we met at midnight in the hanging tree..”

You were ruffling Levi’s hair and humming in the presence of a full moon. You didn’t know why you were feeling this way for him. What started as an infatuation developed into a sense of respect and, eventually, love for him. While you were jealous of Petra following him around, you knew that his eyes were on you alone. You constantly worried about his safety, especially whether he’d make it back to you or not after every expedition, and whenever he came back, he would give you a pat on his head with a soft smile telling you, “I told you I’ll be back.”

In the blink of an eye, Levi felt something damp on his cheeks, and when he turned around, he saw you crying and looking at the moon. “Oi, brat,” he said as he turned his head to look up at you while his head was still lying on your lap. “Did some dust fall into your eyes or something? Your eyes are watering.” You attempt to wipe the tears from the corner of your eye, when you snapped jokingly, “Shut up, Levi. Sometimes you can be dense, you know.” Scoffing, he responded, “Me? Dense? Huh, please. All I was trying to do was lighten the mood." Levi and you softly smile at each other, as the soft wind blowing against your faces felt so calming when it was just the two of you. The squad captain then broke the silence by speaking to you softly, “What’s up, brat? Please talk to me.” You continue to tear up while silently holding his hands and looking at the moon. “I’m scared, Levi.” With a confused glance, he inquired, “Of what?”

You sighed and then responded, “Losing people. Letting them enter my life, only to lose them again. I don’t think it’s an extroverted or introverted thing at all. It’s just, the feeling is scary. I’m ready to give up my life if it means saving my family, my close friends,” then looking at Levi, “or you. You mean a lot, you know?” Levi’s eyes widened. He didn’t think that you felt strongly for anyone, let alone him. “Levi, I-”

“Shh,” he places a finger on your lips, interrupting you. He then gets up, with his back facing the moon and him facing you, and after wiping the tears off your face, he holds your hands, sighing. “I fear letting people in as well, brat, only to lose them, too. When Kenny abandoned me, that’s when I thought I wasn’t good enough. For anyone. For my mother, for Kenny, Farlan, Isabel, Erwin, Hange, or-”

“Me?” you completed his sentence, looking into Levi’s eyes, as he was stunned by the fact that you remembered. “I remember you telling me about how Farlan and Isabel passed away. It must have been really heartbreaking.” For a moment, he looked down on the ground and shook his head in dejection. “You do not know how I felt, (Y/N). It seemed like a wave of anger consumed me when I saw them. They were all I had. They made me feel special. Now, Erwin does, and you do, but I fear losing you more than Erwin. Is it wrong for me to feel this way?” You then cup his cheeks with your hands and tell him, “crazy, yes. But wrong, I’m not sure. I fear letting you in, even though I’m so irrevocably in..”

“Love with me? So am I, with you, I mean.” Levi’s confession shocks you, this was not how you expected the conversation to go. “I mean it, brat. Yes, you’re loud, you can be obnoxious, you’re like Four Eyes,” he rolled his eyes, causing you to giggle a bit, and he softly smiles, “but I adore you more, for many reasons. You’re unafraid to call out on people’s actions, although you’re close to Eren, Mikasa, and Armin and you feel the need to protect them, yet you choose me over them if I’m saying something that makes sense. But…” You sensed that he was going to ask you something so you completed it for him, “But? If this is about me not talking about my past, it’s not that I don’t want to talk about it. I just find it futile to relive the hurt, the pain, the creepy touches…” As you shudder in fear reminiscing the painful memories, the calmness in his eyes turned to anger as he pressed your hand hard as if he was going to crush it. “Did those bastards at The Underground try to…”

“Take advantage of me?” You nodded, “Yes. But I’d kick them and run away, only to find them being killed the next day instead. I still don’t know who did so, but I wanna thank them, you know?” Levi threw a knowing smile, not just because he noticed you seemed freer than before, but that you were finally going to learn the truth. “You can thank me for sure. I didn’t know that you were the one these merchants were hurting, but when I learned of the news, I felt I should take justice in my hands, and so I stole from them before killing them.” You were shocked and didn’t know what to say. Appalled at the lengths Levi went to protect people, it scared you he may turn into a ruthless soldier devoid of any feelings if he killed those merchants.

You got up off the ledge of the roof, walking back, carefully passing the tea set beside you, and Levi was walking towards you, then looking at the tea set, with a surprised gaze, as if he’s seen the set somewhere before. He then was told to sit down and you continued to talk to him while he was looking at the tea set. “Levi, I remember meeting your mum around the time my family was in The Underground not knowing you were her son. She was very kind to me, and always brought me food to eat despite her having gone hungry on a couple of occasions. She may have looked sickly, but she’d sworn to look after you in any way possible. It was sad that what job she ended up taking was one of the most painful jobs ever. She’d given me this tea set to hold on to and said to give it to her son when he ends up getting to know me. Was your mother’s name Kuchel by any chance?”

Tears streamed down his cheeks, realizing that his mother will always be with him no matter what. Levi then looks at you and nods his head in agreement. You then hold his hands and talk to him, “Oh poor Levi. I’m so sorry for all the pain you went through. Both of us have had different backgrounds, but the pain is pain. It hurts the same no matter what.” He agreed with you, heaving a sigh of relief knowing that there was someone out there who loved him despite him carrying all this baggage. “You know something? I’m afraid of committing myself to someone. What if they just love me for how I look and not for who I am? What if they just love me for how I perform in the training and in the battle and nothing more? What if I’m not good enough for them?”

Levi again places a finger on your lips, giving you permission to wipe his tears off his cheeks. He then cups your cheeks with his hands, brings them forwards, and gently kisses you. You can tell that he’s been wanting to kiss you, wantonly for eons now, but he’s taking his time, enveloping your lips with his, expressing his sheer love and desire to be with you, regardless of what the circumstances may seem. After what seemed like an eternity, both of you pull back and press your foreheads against each other, where Levi confesses, “why don’t you get it? You’re good enough for me. You don’t have to reveal everything about your life to me right now, but when I’m with you, I feel like I’ve known you for ages. I want you. I don’t say it all, because I’m scared of my feelings, but with you, it feels easy. I want you, brat. I’m so in love with you, that I need you to be by my side when we’re fighting the Titans. I’ve always been a loner, but ever since I met you, I don’t ever want to be alone again.”

Those gray eyes conveyed a level of honesty you hadn't seen for quite some time. Your mind raced as you tried to recall the last time someone expressed their love to you. His words seemed like a balm to the aching wounds of your heart. “Levi,” you softly called out, as he held your right hand and his other hand cupped your left cheek. “I’m not perfect. I’m not done going back to my family yet. I’m not done avenging my father’s demise yet. I can’t do this alone. If you really do love me…”

“(Y/N),” he softly calls out to you, “nothing’s going to stop me from loving you the way you are. I understand there are walls around your heart and I have them too. But, we’re going to have to work together to overcome them. I… love you. I hope you know that. Now that I know that you love me too, I’m going to tell you and show you all the more. Okay?” Both of you then end up in a warm embrace, for somewhere longer than twenty seconds, which, according to science, was enough, to build trust between the people hugging. You may have not known what the future brought, but you were certain that it brought with you someone that you’d hold close with all your might and that you’d give your best to not let him out of your sight. That’s when you decided to let him in your heart by saying, “Okay, my love.”

#levi ackerman #levi aot #levi ackerman x gn!reader #levi ackerman x reader #levi ackerman oneshot #levi ackerman birthday #levi x you #levi x y/n #attack on titan #shyna muses #tw death #tw injury #tw abuse #tw trauma #tw divorce #shh dark con warn #tw dark content

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