#told yall. not getting over it!!!!!!!!

[kaeyachi]

Kaeya had always been an efficient and hard-working individual (he had to be to support Diluc in the background as his brother rose thru the ranks after all).

He has so much free time because he completes all his work way ahead of schedule. And if he still has enough time, he adds more to the workload in secret.

And once all of that was done and over with, he makes time for everyone. He has to. He feels as if every moment has to be given to someone else.

No one knows how he does it. No one has to know.

Every mission has a dozen strategies in line, and every battle plan is made with efficiency in mind. His perfect record will not be tarnished. He can't risk it (even if it baffles others that he would willingly activate a ruin guard just to prevent a failed mission. Jean disagrees with his methods, but Kaeya can say that the results say otherwise)

He needs to be quick.

Efficient.

Perfect.

And so he comes and goes like the wind.

Kaeya values time because he knew every second counted. He can't just stand there as if he were frozen. Time could run out in an instant.

Kaeya had only been late once his entire life.

He'd rather he never be late ever again.

It took one day of being of being imperfect for everything to fall apart. On that tragic day...had he gotten there on time... then maybe...

.

.

.

" Come on, let's get moving, traveler. We're not frozen in place after all. " Kaeya teasingly says. He stiffles a giggle at the traveler's exhasperated sigh.

"Yeah yeah, we've heard enough of you calling us a slacker. Can't you be a bit more patient?" Paimon whines at him.

Kaeya snorts, but acquiesces, hiding the shaking of his hands at the thought of being idle.

He imagines hearing a clock ticking.

Kaeya knows that that is his own problem. He tries his hardest to relax as he waits for the traveler to finish whatever they're making on the alchemy table because, seriously, it is supposed to be a relaxing day. There's nothing major going on, and his schedule is once again empty as intended. What's the hurry?

Kaeya taps his foot on the ground as he waits. He wishes he could take his own damn advice when he tells others to relax.

#kaeyachi randoms #kaeya #kaeya alberich #this is actually shorter than it originally was can yall believe? #kaeya with anxiety truther there i said it #kaeya cant stand being IDLE #get it? get it? #you see that is a play of words in reference to when he is stood idle on our screens. he is one of the more verbally impatient characters #and we also see it reflected on his actions both in fighting and at work. he has a speed boost bonus and if he isnt teleporting he is #actually moving so fast that he seems like it. this is what i also concluded that results him in large amounts of free time that only amber #seemed to be hardpressed about. the people of mondstadt find him reliable and approachable despite the lax attitude and frequent nights at #angels share. we also had lore tidbits before of kaeya straight up saying he finished all his work and jean saying that he also did the #backlogged ones. It is actually insane that we hear him relaxing frequently and i bet its not because of the lack of horses COZ LOOK AT HOW #BUSY THE OTHER CAPTAINS ARE. Also id like to think that he is a toned down noelle and that is why jean told him to watch over her training #give us noelle and kaeya interactions pls i kinda need it tbh #to all those that reached this far into the notes i actually have more to say so get ready #if it wasnt clear the only day he was late was when crepus died. everything fell apart for him that day so i can see some obsessive need to #just keep running around and doing things as efficient as possible. I also think that he found the knights slow and inefficient in several #occasions and he is willing to put them in the line of fire just to get their hearts pumping with adrenaline (and fear lol). idk kaeya is #just so anxiety-coded. impatience-core. Mr. dont waste my time type of guy. and also wow look i found a way to make his idles become angst #silly me ehe #oh youre still here? how about i tell you that kaeya-efficiency-alberich probably knows where everyone is at any time of the day? #can we honestly please give him more free time i need more of him tbh #fun reminder that bro is working around 3-4 jobs casually lmao #i also just realized that the notes is a whole nother post on its own #AND THE ACTUAL FUNNY PART IS I CAN STILL ELABORATE MORE ON THIS LMAO #wait let me add this one tiny idea too but he thinks time is so valuable. bro lost 2 dads and lost time with his bro + he significantly #lessened his time at dawn winery for quite some time. i can see why he is extroverted now.

[brookheimer]

looking at the 'midseason trailer' and seeing roman fighting his siblings, roman shitting on gerri, roman working for fascists, roman walking proudly through ATN like logan did just two days prior... it's not surprising, but it is fucking sad.

logan's death will not free roman. instead, it will reforge the chains he's worn all his life, casting them in iron -- that's what roman deserves for thinking, for the first time in his life, that maybe he wants the chains off. that's what roman deserves for killing his father by not loving him enough, by not loving him correctly or at the right times. logan's death will not free roman at all. if anything, it will imprison him.

(as always, this got very long, so keep reading under the cut!)

this was the worst case scenario for roman. not just logan dying, but the exact way everything played out. he betrayed his siblings, he fired gerri -- for nothing. he could have been on the plane with his father in his last moments -- he refused. his last interaction with his father was leaving logan a voice message that called him a cunt -- the first time roman has ever, ever, questioned or stood up to his father, and also the last. we don't know what killed logan. we probably never will. but god if it won't feel awfully coincidental to roman: the one time he fought back against his father or even showed the slightest hint of doing so, his father died. is it likely that logan heard roman's voice memo and keeled over because he called him a cunt? no. but is it just as possible as anything else? entirely. roman might have killed his dad. roman murdered logan when he could've been on the plane with him holding his hand, if he were a good son. he didn't even tell logan he loved him. not that he needed to, it fucking oozed from his every pore and the desperate nature of that love was one of the reasons logan could never quite stand him -- but that's not the point. roman's one attempt at agency, at setting boundaries, at standing up for himself killed his fucking father.

logan dying would never have been good for roman, at least in his current state, no matter how the actual death came to pass. people often talk about abusive relationships as if the end-all-be-all fixer to abuse is independence, and it's not. independence isn't always enough to heal, especially not when it's forced upon you rather than something you choose. this is especially true for roman, i think. what roman needed was not just to gain his own independence, but to realize that independence and love are not mutually exclusive, that gaining one does not mean losing the other. logan's always hammered in roman's weakness, his wrongness; roman was never someone who deserved to be loved on his own terms. roman's never considered himself to be someone with agency and authority in his relationships -- he's been told over and over again that he isn't a real person, that there's something deeply wrong and unfixable in him, and he believes it. he's never set boundaries with his father or even his siblings because i don't think he really realizes he has the power to do that. he's simply there until people decide they no longer have use for him or want him around, and he'll always come crawling back after a kick because he doesn't realize he's not on a leash -- that he doesn't need to be on a leash. independence has been unreachable all his life, he isn't normal or real enough to be a real normal independent capable person, but if he grovels and shows his use enough, then maybe he can be loved. but his dependence and loyalty is all he's good for. independence means no love, no family, no relationships. and roman desperately wants, needs, those relationships in a way that none of the other characters do (or at least can admit to) -- he wants his father in his life, no matter what; he wants his siblings in his life, no matter what. but independence, being his own person, separating himself from logan's side means he'd lose everything else, everyone else. he's not good for anything anyways. it's not like he has other options.

...until the start of season four. that's why this is all so tragic -- more than anyone else, it seemed like roman was on the road to healing. it seemed like he was finally realizing that independence and love might not be as mutually exclusive as he's been made to think: maybe he could be independent while still having a relationship with his siblings and even his father. maybe he could have his cake and eat it too. he's realized that he's capable, that he has his own worth, and that he can be successful without living under logan's thumb -- and, more importantly, could still text him on his birthday and try to rebuild a relationship, this time outside of business. outside of "that room" in waystar royco. an actual fucking family relationship. that's what escaping the cycle would look like for roman — not complete separation, not a metaphorical killing of his father, but the ability to live alongside him, to have a life outside of him, to love his father without living for him. so simply removing logan from the equation wouldn’t help roman, not when what he needs most is to realize that self-respect is not mutually exclusive with love, that being your own person isn’t a betrayal, that family and love aren’t dependent on how low you can kneel and won’t be whisked away the moment you stand up. and for the first time in his life, it seemed like he was on track to discovering this. maybe he and the siblings could have the hundred, logan could keep going with atn, and in a few years down the line they'd all get together to talk shop and joke around and coexist -- for the first time, he had started to think of himself as enough of a real, okay person to be allowed to coexist with his family, rather than naturally subordinating himself in every interaction.

roman could’ve been his own person, could’ve escaped the cycle, could’ve started a business with his siblings and tried to heal, but now he won’t. he can’t. roman can’t become his own person now, not when his first attempt to do so is exactly what killed logan. it’s his fault. he fucked up and now there’s no dad. he gained his independence, but at what cost? love. that’s the cost. it always has been and always will be. nothing could be more detrimental to roman roy than the exact series of events that occurred in this episode, because just as he started to see a world beyond his father, logan dies -- proving once and for all that the only world beyond logan is one without him in it at all. that’s been roman’s fear all along and why he’s stuck so close to his side: roman loves and loves and loves and is terrified, terrified, of death. of loss. but in a moment of 'weakness,' roman wobbled (he tried to stand up to logan rather than just taking the kicks as he's supposed to, as he always has), and his father paid the ultimate price. there’s no more dad. there’s no reviving him.

…unless, of course, there is. unless roman can undo his error by choosing his father again, and again, and again. becoming logan is the closest roman can get to resurrecting him, after all. and besides, doesn’t he owe it to dad after killing him? after calling him a cunt, choosing not to be with him on that plane he ended up dying on? after forgetting to even say “i love you dad” before the end? roman needs to fix things. needs to make it like dad's still here. needs to make it like he didn't kill his own father by refusing him for the first time in his life. so roman will be the firebreather logan wanted -- he'll do ATN, he'll push for mencken, he'll do whatever it fucking takes to try and make things right. if it's his fault logan's no longer here, then he needs to do everything he possibly can to fulfill his dying wishes, to do what logan would've done, were he alive.

"dad can't die, he's dad." he can't ever die. he's immortal, and his immortality was solidified by the circumstances of his death -- logan will not die. he’ll live on in roman, as roman.

roman will make sure of it.

#to clarify -- i do not think this is roman's endgame. i Hope it is not his endgame. i just think based on the previews and everything we #know about both him and the upcoming episodes... i think this is where his arc is heading for now. and it will be UNBEARABLE to watch #i'm hoping things get better by the end. that there's reconciliation and an ending open enough to allow for a slim possibility of future #healing. but as of right now... i think things are going to get a lot - a LOT - fucking worse before they get better (if they get better..) #k it's 1:30 am i haven't read over this at all so fair warning there. but yeah. told yall i had a lot of thoughts re: what this might do to #roman. hats off to jesse armstrong for creating the literal worst situation imaginable for him. fucking ingenious. i too love putting this #sad little man in situations! but yeah. gonna be watching thru my hands but eating it up while weeping etc etc etc #succession #succession spoilers #roman roy #succession meta #succession s4 #connor's wedding #logan roy #casey shut the fuck up about roman roy #100 #500 #succession speculation

[knifeslidez]

"transandrophobia" people need to read literally any introductory book on intersectional feminism

#anything yall describe as ''transandrophobia'' is either just an experience with misogyny or just u being told a basic feminist statement #pleaseplease just read anything about the experiences of misogyny intersecting with transphobia and homophobia #oh and btw a transfem saying ''hey could yall stop talking over us and perpetuating stereotypes and fetishizing us'' isnt opressing u #get your fucking acts together and/or leave my blog the fuck alone #ghoul groans

[imthursdaysyme]

Steve has So Many shoes and a lot are very very similar like one detail off and one day Rob is like,, I thought the stripes were red? 

And eddies buts in like, yeah but these match better with his shirt bc red stripes didn't match the red shirt but he wanted orange shoes so

And robin is like how tf did you know that and Steve looks at Eddie too like how tf did you know that, twin expressions of what kind of fuckery is this and Eddie is like oh uh I just noticed he likes matching? It's like all he does? And Steve is like omg I do match everything

And rob looks at him and is like omg you do match everything and Eddie is like how tf did both of you not know that including the one who does it and Steve is like idk man I just want my clothes to look /right/

and rob is like oh my god is that why you ripped my yellow shoes off the other day when I was wearing a orange shirt and Steve gets all defensive and goes THEY WERE DIFF SATURATIONS OK IT WAS ATROCIOUS

And eddies watching them fight and is like Jesus Christ in heaven above what the fuck did I get myself into

#steddie #stobin #rambling #i told yall get ready for rambles this is like my tags outside a picture #talking with my outside voice today #this was just my most recent twt thread but i threw it over here for fun

[thenixkat]

Anyway, if you aren’t Black don’t use any variation of woke. I don’t care what conservatives are calling fuckers/using as the new sjw/political correctness/what have you.

If you know what fuckers mean use what they mean, and if you don’t why are you copying what people are saying?

Woke ain’t for you. If the discussion isn’t about Black people being aware of and/or educating other Black people about racism/antiblackness/structural inequality/all the other bullshit then it doesn’t need to be used in the discussion.

#nix meows #aave #woke #aave misuse #apparently that one post i made where i directly mentioned how i don't wanna see boogleech no more showed up in his tags #which is generally how tumblr's search function works; if a word in there it shows up #anyway i do wish a motherfucker would learn to take a hint that i do not wish to continue a conversation #cause all i'm getting is excuses about how he's just paraphrasing so its fine #that other people don't have an issue and not 'to shoot the messenger #my wigga i was forced to see the word 'wokeist' (yall know i can't spell) on a post from someone i know is white #who's posts show up everyfucking where in the corner of tumblr i generally operate in #why would i give a damn what the rest of the post was about when a wigga shouldn't be using words like that period #aint no fucking changing my mind #ya ruined my night and i don't wanna see ya #i aint ask nobody to block you or some shit like that #i personally don't wanna get microaggressed on my own damn dash cause my white mutuals (who mean well but dont all ways catch shit) #decided to reblog it untagged #like yeah its pretty easy to drop a bitch i only occasionally interacted with over the course of a few years over #it just on the innitial 'it's not an issue' dismissal #told me everything i needed to know #bogleech #may as well actually tag them cause I've been feeling a lot less charitible given how they handled shit and kept trying to shut me up #plus they're a vote blue no matter who fucker like genocide joe is harm reduction

[kavehater]

AAAH I have a mutual who’s 18 and he sorta kinda is flirting with this one guy who is a minor as a joke of course ( to which a concerned anon said that it’s weird ) but I can’t help but flashback to er*s

#granted the er*s situation was thoroughly complex and the reason she did those things was her copism with not being able to pull ( LLLLLLL ) #and ik that guy doesn’t mean any harm etc etc he’s not messed up like some ppl #BUT I DUNNO STILL #sobbing #they’re pretty sweet so #hes* #OH AND HES IRAQI TOO I LEGIT COULDNT BELIEVE THAT #dora daily #lowkey kinda sorta sad that a whole anon was more concerned than ppl i knew and who knew my age #and freely saw it happen so readily #and everyone else on that blog #genuinely and utterly disappointed #it’s always protect minors until the minors need protecting goddamn #this is especially directed at rhy yeah I’m not censoring that #🤷‍♀️ #too busy simping over minor characters who don’t have a time skip in canon and aging them up then complaining about it when ppl call out #the brain deadery of that behaviour #girl pls #you did not care about minors from the beginning literally bye #e[redacted] literally ruined my brain chemistry to say the least I will never go into how what she did absolutely muddled my brain never #told anyone and I don’t think I can ever tell someone ever #not to mention practically hyperventilating being unable to breath literally going into madness and ppl think that I’m overreacting and #telling me to shut up about it and blaming me for the situation as if I wanted any of this #lmaolmaolmao #all that and I was expected to do uni girl byeeee I need a good century to recover at least ☠️ #the only thing I DID want is friends but clearly that was a hard ask when ppl can get friends just by existing on this god forsaken app #atp I don’t even know what to say literally just wth #yall say mdni with your dumbass banners and decorate it like something special when yall are the ones to keep from minors you disgusting #wastes of clean oxygen 😭 mdni my foot gross ass adults should’ve never trusted them #the way I’d give them therapy to their complex traumas ☠️ imagine relying on a minor for therapy

[miiints-repostiory]

Guys is it okay if I just start posting all of my pent up tsp content without explaining anything. I don't feel like explaining but I have so much art and I'd like to post it at some point djrjrhr

#mint speaks #tsp #the stanley parable #my silly goofy ass is over here creating an entire second parable and a full-length plotline of how that parable is created when i haven't #even told yall that their parable is a glorified mind palace #if someone sends me an ask about it ill get my shit together and explain but i fr will probably just post art tagged tsp without explaining #how in the hell its connected to tsp fjfhfhfhf

[ozlices]

my mom has repeatedly dismissed the idea that she has favorites between us, and yet earlier this year she literally admitted to my face that she's prioritized my abuser over me bc she's 'going through worse stuff'.

and constantly. fucking CONSTANTLY i have to hear abt my abuser, how much she's 'changed' and 'loves me' and 'wants a relationship with me' etc etc etc

and the most draining part of all of this is that i busted my ass for multiple fucking years to finally break the shackles off and get the fuck out of here, only for a selfish, heartless, absolutely piece of utter and complete shit to damn me back here.

and now, im stuck in this cycle again. where spending EIGHT HOURS on the phone trying to get my phone shit settled, and being at my absolute fucking limit bc on top of dealing w that crap, i had to listen to my abuser and her kids screaming at the top of their goddamn lungs for the past two days, and snapping to shut the fuck up,, gets me dealing w my mother holding a grudge w me.

bc 'oh let me have kids and then maybe ill understand' IT'S LIKE THIS EVERY SINGLE FUCKING TIME SHE'S OVER HERE. AND SHE WAS LIKE THIS BEFORE SHE FUCKING HAD KIDS. THE BRUNT OF MY ABUSER WAS LITERALLY BEING SCREAMED AT AND BERATED BY HER OVER STUPID SHIT.

/IM/ THE ASSHOLE FOR BEING INSISTENT THAT SHE HASNT CHANGED ?!?!? WHEN SHE LITERALLY HASNT FUCKING CHANGED!!!?!?!?!? SHE'S /WORSE/ NOW /BECAUSE/ SHE STILL HAD KIDS ANYWAY WHEN LITERALLY EVERY SINGLE PERSON IN HER LIFE WARNED HER NOT TO BC WE ALL KNEW SHE'D BE A SHITTY PARENT. AND WOW, HUGE SHOCKER, SHE IS!!!

i made the decision when i was VERY young, but also old enough to realize just how deep rooted my trauma runs & how much it affects my responses to stress & other shit, to not have human children bc i fucking KNEW. no matter how much i try to be a nice person, no matter how good my intentions try to be, i can be very nasty. i can be harsh. i can be snappy. i can be violent. i can be completely apathetic to how my actions affect other people when i'm angry enough.

i ACKNOWLEDGE that shit. i will be the first to admit when i probably went overboard, but i am so fucking sick of being put in a position where if i dont apologize for being fucking straight up verbally, emotionally, mentally, or even physically abused, & responding to that abuse like any fucking body would, ESPECIALLY a person who has existing trauma, im an asshole.

im so. fucking sick. of being alive. this year has broken me. it really, truly fucking has. i lost EVERYTHING. i dont even have a fucking doctor. i am back in the house all my trauma happened in, damned by someone i thought was my best friend who looked me dead in my eyes a month after my daughter died in my arms & told me damning me back to the house every traumatic thing ive ever gone to 'wasnt her problem'. & having to be put right back in the cycles i brutalized myself to get out of.

and the worst fucking part is that this year has left me in such shambles from stress, i physically cannot pick myself up anymore. my alters can't pick themselves up anymore. we are all so fucking burnt out, and it is so fucking draining to lie to ourselves that hope is worth it when we had it all stripped away from us repeatedly in such brutal ways. nonstop. i swear to the moon herself, i mean it when i say not one single day this entire year has been peaceful. has been free from some degree of pain, or straight up agony.

i am tired of beating myself up for being angry. i am tired of being berated by other people for being angry. FUCK all of that shit. this year, and the shitty people who refuse to fucking offer me the same empathy they DEMAND from me, have fucking destroyed me. and i DESERVE TO BE FUCKING PISSED OVER THAT SO I FUCKING WILL BE IM FUCKING PISSED FUCK THIS YEAR FUCK MY ABUSER FUCK HER GODDAMN DEFENDERS FUCK THE BITCH WHO DAMNED ME HERE FUCK MY ENTIRE LIFE IT'S NEVERENDING BULLSHIT AND IM TIRED OF ACTING LIKE ANYTHING THAT'S HAPPENED TO ME WAS OKAY OR THAT I HAVE TO BE OKAY WITH IT!! NONE OF IT WAS OKAY!! IM NOT FUCKING OKAY WITH IT!! NOBODY FUCKING WOULD BE!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

#mine #vent #abuse mention// #i had to get all this out im literally so fucking pissed #i went to get food after starving all day bc my abuser was here #and my mom stood in the kitchen doorway and glared at me for almost a full minute #and when i snapped 'what' she cursed me out. bc. u know. #i fucking snapped hearing my abuser SCREAMING for two days straight. #oh but if /i/ have a meltdown where /i/ scream and throw a ~tantrum~? #then it's 'grow the fuck up. ur so immature'. #my sister is fucking 30 years old. and has NEVER fucking honed in her anger. EVER. #but IM the immature one here. not the 30 y/o with TWO CHILDREN WHO NEVER LEARNED TO CONTROL HER ANGER #im so done. #i literally bend over backwards being everyone's goddamn therapist #& then get told im a piece of shit when i too have human emotions & reactions to TRAUMA. #im done! im done. im done. #yall want a fucking apathetic snippy selfish piece of shit i always get framed as for being fucking burnt out after being brutalized #every goddamn day & losing everything in a year? fine. im done being a therapist for fucking free & suffering in silence alone #fuck this shit

[big-tees-and-short-skirts]

healthcare bullshit cw

HEY. LOCAL HOSPITAL. WHY DUD I HAVE TO FUCKING CALL TO FIND OUT WHICH PROCEDURE IM GETTING TOMORROW MORNING?!?!? NO INSTRUCTIONS SENT, JUST, "dont eat or drink for 4 hrs pls," AND NOTHING ELSE?!???

heres a baby snapper to apologize for the caps spam <3 thats about to follow

#upper GI means SO MANY DIFFERENT THINGS #imaging means SO MANY DIFFERENT THINGS #ESPECIALLY TO A LAYMAN #'so i called the imaging dept and they said ur doing a barium swallo--' WHY DIDNT U JUST SAY THAT INSTEAD OF 'UPPER GI. CHECK IN HOSPITAL' #im so fucking done w this place #guess ill be driving 2 hrs to the next hospital for now on cuz FUCK THIS SHIT #MY DAD IS TAKING TIME OFF WORK BC WE THOUGHT I WAS GETTING SEDATED FOR AN ENDOSCOPY (also called upper gi BTW 🙃) #im so tired of my dysmotility and my joint pain and my migraines yall. i wish i wasnt fucking allergic to THE ONLY MEDICINE that fix me #i had to take ANTIPSYCHOTIC TRANQS for 5 days that have flared up ALL OF MY PROBLEMS #bc my GI told me i cant take fucking steroids. #im probably gonna be fucking hospitalizwd fir this damn migraine and my GI cant fucking tell me if IM GONNA BE SEDATED OR NOT #OR WHAT PROCEDURE IM DOING TMRW #🔥🔪🔥🔪🔥🔪🔥🔪🔥🔪🔥🔪🔥🔪 #... #okay rants over 🤥<-lying #healthcare #cant believe im gonna say this but my healthcare was exponentially better in Georgia than in Illinois #i had better care in middle of nowhere georgia than FUCKING CHICAGO #i go a school famous for its medicine school.... #now class imagine if this was happening to an old person living alone w a million health problems and no techsavvy #or strong self advocacy skills 🤗 #wouldn't that just be fucked up 🤗

[yerifes]

hm, anyways... get hype for hitball!!

#paranatural #pnat #in the literaral 11 years ive been in this fandom #ive read a lot of good critique of pnat #and that was Not one of them lol #yall letting this fandom get divided over a post like that 🤨 #i wouldve made a bunch of counter arguments here but its really now worth it #you dont have to like the direction the comics taken #i dislike some of the decisions made over the years too #but most of the 'its gone downhill' #is just personal opinion tbh #also #i reread the entire comic about a year or two ago #and the hitball arc was just as good as i remember it being #absolutely one of the highlights of the comic for me #my final point #is that i hate the 'they shouldve just stopped after their injury got worse' #zack is going something im not sure i could ever do #and i have so much respect for their perseverance #and i relate to that desire and drive to make sure your story gets told no matter what #no matter how it has to happen #that story lives inside you and you Have to get it out #even if it isnt in the way you originally imagined #love and light to anyone reading this rant ❤💫 #ok actually adding one more thing to this #you can disagree with me! #just like im disagreeing with that other person! #im just a guy

[transsexula]

"So you can't name anything? You have nothing"

No man, I just don't wanna talk about the details of people's corrective rape, the kind of language used during it- I don't wanna talk about the actual shit that's happening. Because lingering on specifics of abuse fucking hurts and in the long run? It doesn't do all that much.

But you know what does? Letting people have the language to talk about something they experience. I'm sorry if you have never seen it! Why must I bleed myself to please you? Why must I spend my time educating you when you won't even take into consideration what I've already ACTUALLY said? Are you just here to misinterpret everything I say? Because that's what it seems like. I'm done with that! I don't need to prove my abuse to you. I don't need to disclose other peoples horrors to you. I don't need to write a book on the history. I don't need to explain why terfs are bad.

Just..... try. Just try to put yourself in another person's shoes. Try to understand the context. I know Google is a fucked up AI mess right now but you still CAN find info there sometimes.

Anyways.....

#yall. im tired #“trans men arent hated for being men!!” okay cool so being told to kill myself and getting harassed by terfs is because misogyny. lets ignor #that they hate men. that they do in some countries and areas hold power over us #idk its so blind to say that men arent hated for being men or being masculine #i know its easier to see the other factors but man...... its right there.........

[roimp]

SO TODAY....

(THIS IS ONLY FOR ROSE)

#ok so like we had first 2 classes free ok like literally both the teachers did not come akshsjdh #anyways so like on wednesday 2-3 people in our class were discussing himym and i also joined them because I LOVE HIMYM #(himym is the sitcom how i met your mother) #sp hands guy heard us and was like what show are yall talking about and we told him and he was like okay ill watch #and he is a binge watcher apparently so like when we met today he was like ive watched till ep16 of season1 #i was like bro????? how????? #anyways in 2nd free lecture he was like im gonna watch an episode of himym and i was like i wanna watch too #SO he gave me one of his earpods and WE WATCHED THE EPISODE TOGETHER AKSGSJDH #anyways after that hmm okay it was just like normal talking and all #but ya. TALKING.🤭 #he is just like me he is also doesnt care about tea or coffee he is a water guy #HE ALSO HAS CAT. AND HE HAS SAME OPINION AND THOUGHTS ABOUT DOGS THAT I HAVE. #and when class was over me and some friends were talking by the shops near our classes ka buliding and hands guy joined later #and then we all group talked timepass for like 30 mins and then we were like its time to go home #so apparently the others all went one direction and me and hands guy were going same direction so we walked #so usually what i do is i walk a bit ahead of my class ka building because i get auto from there #and hands guy lives nearby so he just walks home #so today we were walking and talking and i walked SO much further more than i usually do because we were talking 😄 #and thats all. today was nice. #gargi is keysmashing

[cold-heart-warm-writings]

Daycare!Hanma who is obsessed with Legos and dinosaurs. One of his favorite times of the day is free play when he can build intricate ecosystems with the kids out of Legos, and then watch as the dinosaurs come through and destroy it all. Sometimes the kids get frustrated when the pieces won’t come apart, and daycare! Hanma is the one they instantly go to. He encourages them to use their imagination and find new ways to build with all of the pieces. Daycare! Hanma asks the best questions, and always encourages the kids to explain the different aspects of their creations. When he says he cares, he acts on it - the kiddos are excited to explore and learn more with a teacher that is excited to see them grow. Plus, who could possibly resist a basket full of random Lego pieces and a basket of dinosaurs? Certainly not daycare! Hanma. :) 

#guess who's back?! daycare! hanma! :) #I can't remember if I told yall but even though I technically left the daycare for my full time job... I still work there part time XD #I go over a few hours after my full time job a week - i get a little extra pay bump plus i get to keep my gym membership PLUS PLUS i still #get to see the kiddos and it's really fun :) theyre always so excited when i show up :') #i stg no one is EVER more excited to see me than these 4 year olds and they make my heart so happy #daycare! hanma #hanma #hanma shuji headcanons #hanma shuji #shuji #shuji hanma #Tokyo Revengers #tok rev #these daycare! hcs bring me so much joy i still think he'd be so fun as a daycare teacher - still 10000% ooc but i don't *care* #anyways hope everyone's doing well! #<3

[latenightsinmay]

personal vent/problem post idk how you call those but whatever. i need to get it out somehow so fuck it. if anyone feels like going through the tags. 1st why would you do that to yourself?. 2nd help a girl out pls

#re: my last post and the 'is this how people function or is it just me' crisis so bear with me even tho its wayy too tmi and personal #yes i did try talking to one of my friends when it first became a SituationTM but she has life going on and i didnt pust bc im in denial #now its a month later and SituationTM: sequel has happened #shortest version of situation 1: a guy kissed me (and then we continued doing that for a while. but nothing more) after a date #spent the whole time thinking about what im doing. that its weird and that i probably was bad at it. only thoughts no feelings #and i walked away from there feeling very 'people like doing that????? i dont want to do it again' <- this is the problem area! #anyways short context i knew him from other things before and he started flirting with me and asked me on a date over texts #now i said yes bc he was funny and nice and i did entertain those messages bc it was fun and it felt nice #idk the protocol for this yall. how do you judge if you say yes or no to a date (that was the first time someone asked me out seriously)<- #so i was not head over heels. but also i would not say yes or make out with a stranger bc thats just weird for me personally #now SituationTM sequel: another guy i've been friends with for half a year told me a bit ago while he was drunk that he really liked me and #he knows i dont feel the same doesnt expect anything. just wants me to be aware since we're close and he values our friendship #i basically said yeah ur right im sorry. he said thats fine i'll be sad for a bit but no worries. thought u had the right to know #and the thing is we are still friends and it didnt get awkward or anything but. ofc theres a but. #problem area no1 -> he is really nice and i like him. talking to him hanging out. i feel really comfortable around him etc #but when i think about anything in a relationship sense. theres nothing there. or at least i dont recognise that there is. #ik he is hurting and trying to get over it.but i still want to hang out and wont reject him when he spends time with me or hugs me or whate #he did that before anyways. even though i feel that might be making it worse in the long term for him. but i want the hugs and company :( #and i do like that he likes me on some level? is that weird? like i like knowing that im someones fav person #and fuck it would be so much easier if i did have the same feelings. bc i do like him and i trust him and all the things. #i just dont think the feelings i have are the feelings people in relationships have. cus some of my very close friends i feel the same for. #and after the first Situation i thought ok maybe the guy is the problem. but if i try to put this one into his place. its still nopeee. #so uhhh. what the fuck do i do with me? is it the person. is it the gender. is it the relationship in general? which part isnt clicking???? #i could provide additional info to help with that question but im afraid i have no relevant experience info except lack of experience #do with that what you will #if you made it to here im sorry #i will try to word vomit all of this on one of my friends later today if i get enough courage to try and go through with it #(and manage to express my emotions in my native language *gags*)

[iliveinprocrasti-nationn]

one thing abt being disabled/chronically ill that some people don’t get is that sometimes body maintenance that ensures you have the absolute minimum amount of function can also be something that takes away a lot of control and autonomy. you can argue till the cows come home that making those decisions to try and help yourself (or realistically to try to make sure things aren’t worse than they already are) is something that exhibits control and autonomy and stuff, but they can be so limiting in practice because they’re things that take up so much time but have to be done to do anything else

#i have to sleep a lot. i’m at the point where functioning requires 8 hours of sleep if not more #I should probably be getting 10+ but i’m a student and i work so 8 is the minimum. but then also getting ready for bed is a whole process s #the whole thing can take 10-12 hours depending how much im sleeping. just to make sure i can do anything #that is time in my day i cannot use for anything else. it’s not ‘oh but i can push through it’ because i can’t without spending the next da #lightheaded and nauseous and vaguely dizzy and with such intense brain fog I can’t think with my fatigue so bad i genuinely don’t know how #get myself to work a lot of days. my abled peers don’t have to deal with this at all. they have unlimited study time if they want to #and yeah it is a choice i’m making that’s true i could just not do. except i would lose my job and fail out of college because i would not #be able to get to classes or do my homework or think. but being told ‘but you are making choices about your life’ when i have lost so much #of what i used to be able to do because i am spiralling down and continuing to get worse is so. #literally last year i would wake up at 6:30 and then go to school till 3 and then go to my internship until 10 and get home at 11 and be in #bed anywhere from midnight to two in the morning and then wake up the next day and do it all again. i graduated with a 3.9 gpa and made it #into my top college while dealing with my cancer symptoms and then the two surgeries about it #but now i lose half my day to just making sure i can get out of bed. i can’t go anywhere because my body is physically too exhausted #any extra time goes into doing homework or occasionally time to myself #not decimating my health by doing minimum body care responsibilities isn’t freeing. occasionally i have a good day which is freeing but tha #usually goes into just. other things outside class or work or eating. I don’t go do something for myself or go do something fun on good day #because I still can’t. good days just mean i don’t want to lie down on the pavement when i’m going somewhere #I just. I don’t magically have control over my life because i try to get enough sleep. i lose half my day to doing that and ultimately it’s #just a bodily function that would have to happen anyway #this is a vent post im just having a really hard time right now because it feels like im in exponential decline. it was nowhere near this #bad last semester. my grades are tanking and i have no free time because anything outside of sleep is either work or school #vent tw #yall can rb this just ignore my tags completely #disability #chronically ill #i keep trying to explain to people how pots works because that’s all logical but there’s no way to explain what it’s doing to my body or ho #i feel all the time. the last time i felt this bad was when i had a bad flu or immediately after surgeries because i don’t react well to #anesthesia and always come out of them feeling like shit. and now i just feel like this all the time and it’s only getting worse #I can’t even stay up late anymore because my body feels like it isn’t counting the sleep even if I get 8 hours #I can deal if I have a free day the day after but that just leaves Friday and Saturday nights and I usually still have to do homework

[bibleofficial]

leaving the hospital in the morning & i finally get to go back to wales & i can’t wait i rly can’t - the belgians i’ve met have been wonderful [for the most part] but the rape has me panicking even seeing the roads and the buildings

#diary #literally everyone else was wonderful except for the HOTEL EMPLOYEES THAT REFUSED TO HELP ME FIND MY WAY BACK TO THE HOSTEL & THE GUY THAT #DENIED HAVING A PHONE TO SHOW ME A MAP AFTER THE RAPE #shoutout to school children love yall so much they’re so polite & also the amazing older DJ that was talking to us at the irish pub prior to #us going back to the hostel & me leaving w the tall friendly man - i’ve his number & i told him i was going to text him bc he was going to #host an underground rave at an abbey but couldn’t make it bc i’ve been in the hospital since monday #i’ll come back to ghent sometime - i just need to. get over the trauma lol #i still have his number ! he rolled a j w me - he’s such a saint #i’m just a chatter i love talking to people despite being introverted #i wouldn’t go OUT OF MY WAY TO SPEAK but if they come up to ME i’m WELL OPEN #which he did he’s so sweet & also the old homosexuals i was smoking w & gave me info on the drug culture here bc i was curious & also the #tall belgian that took me to those few bars & we chatted abt belgium and how ghent is changing #i wish i were able to actually continue w the rest of our group for the site visit but honestly it #it just wasn’t going to happen #i can’t even go back to the hostel without shaking and panicking #my darlings kp & omar know everything & everything is ok i love them so much - the group we are w have all been wonderful bar like the 4 #that made their own clique but they’re all boring anyway so they can fuck off lol #THE OTHER 9 ….. STAN #well 7 bc omar & kp i alrdy stan & they know #i’m just telling everyone it was an assault and robbery bc everyone knows something is up bc i walked into the hostel at 9a & nobody knew #where i was bc my phone was dead & i couldn’t tell anyone & also i was probably drugged honestly #i don’t even know my guess is rohypnol #god fuck that guy fuck that guy so much oh my god i swear if i see him again …. bro ur not living im not afraid of european prison in the #fuckin slightest i don’t give a shit