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jahayla-parker · 2 years

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Self-Care Compromise: Tom Holland x Reader

Disclaimer: I do not own the above video, the creator is listed in the video.

Summary: Y/n once again finds her boyfriend Tom to be overworking himself so she takes matters into her own hands to fix it.

Warnings: None, just fluff 💕(other than brief mentions of being burnt out from working too much)

Notes: this is based on many videos similar to the one included where Tommy looks so tired but still fights for the fans.

I felt it was time someone fought for him so 🥺

The ending is not rigid so that if I want to do a part 2 (such as tasks discussed for the next day, etc.) I can 😊

———————

“Thanks Mac!” Y/n says, grabbing the freshly made tea from the barista on the set of Tom’s latest project.

“No problem y/n/n” Mac waves before starting the next order.

Y/n breathes in the pleasant scent of the tea she ordered for Tom as she walks back over to where they planned to meet before they headed back to the hotel.

It had been a long day on set for Tom today. Although, if they were being honest, it had been a really long week for him.

The crew have been working him to the breaking point and instead of listening to y/n’s pleas for him to take a day off, he kept pushing through.

Tom was waiting on the sidewalk by the barricades. He was in his loose sweats, relaxed T-shirt, and beanie.

He couldn’t wait until they made it back to the hotel for the night.

Tom loved his job and his fans. But, he just wanted to rest on the couch cuddled into y/n’s side as they ate take-out and watched stupid reality TV shows while he fell asleep.

At this point, he would give anything to just not have to keep forcing a smile and pretending he wasn’t exhausted. But, as fans began approaching him, he realized he wasn’t going to get that.

Tom took a shallow breath and pasted on a fake smile as his fans came over asking for photos.

Harry felt pity for Tom as he watched his brother. Tom looked like he was going to pass out at any moment but they both knew neither one could say no or mention something about him wanting to leave.

Harry sighted hopelessly as he stood to the side of Tom and his fans. His eyes only looking away when he heard someone else approaching.

Y/N’s eyes were glued on Tom and she wanted to wrap her arms around him and never let him go. He looked so drained.

Hearing a soft sigh, y/n turned her gaze to Harry and nodded in agreement.

“How long has this been going on this time?” Y/n asked as Tom once again forced a fake smile for the fans.

This had happened nearly every day. If he kept at it, he was going to break and get sick. Y/n knew he wanted to make time for the fans, but there’s a line.

Everyday, y/n had found small ways to try and help him with this. He refused to listen to her begging him to rest, but that didn’t mean she was going to give up.

So, instead of arguing, she settled to forcing self care tasks upon him. It had become somewhat of a daily ritual at this point.

Each healthy behavior she started him doing would pile on top of the other so that she was slowly ensuring more of his time was going towards self care.

The typical routine would consist of herbal teas (especially those for relaxation) throughout the day, night time tea upon finishing for the day so he could sleep that night, a healthy homemade breakfast rather than his damn protein shakes, and cuddling while watching the reality tv shows he and Baz had watched in London to help with his homesickness.

She’d even gotten him to start using face masks (sometimes the ones with silly characters to cheer him up) and cold eye masks, weekly hair conditioning treatments she’d apply as he would wash his hair daily due to sweating all day and not being used to his longer hair, using a weighted blanket each night, etc.

While the self care plan may seem successful, there were plenty of failures too.

She had tried implementing them taking walks as it always calmed him, but each time they’d run into fans and it would undo everything.

Y/n also tried working with Nikki and Dom to send Tessa out for a week or two for an emotional support animal therapy type thing for Tom.

But, while here, Tessa was too energetic and excited and managed to urinate all over the hotel floor when seeing Tom. It only got worse from there as she chewed on his set lists, socks, etc.

Tessa only ever did these things when nervous; a rarity for her. Y/n was certain Tessa had picked up on Tom’s energy.

The warmth from Tom’s tea seeping into her palm brought y/n’s attention back to the present moment.

Tom was looking over at her in between photos, his eyes delicate but missing their usual light.

Tom’s smile for the photos and fans may have been forced, but his smile to y/n when their eyes met wasn’t.

It wasn’t his normal smile by any means, but he’d always have enough in him to give her at least a tiny smile.

Y/n gave him a sympathetic smile and sighed.

“I’ve got to do something Baz” y/n groaned.

“We can’t. People will have a field day with it and will attack us” Harry frowned.

Y/n nodded and felt a small wave of hope upon seeing the last fan thanking Tom and leaving.

She let out a sigh of relief and handed Tom the tea with one hand while the other went behind his back to hold him to her.

Tom let out a deep breath as he tucked his head into the crook of her neck.

“Tommy, we’ve got to figure this out. You’re overdoing it” y/n says as she feels Tom’s lip quivering on her shoulder.

Tom was silent but nodded his head against her skin.

Y/n smiled softly, glad he was at least on the same page now.

“Okay, so here’s the plan” she says, stepping back to look in his eyes.

Tom lifted his eyes and y/n’s heart broke even more as she noticed his watery gaze.

“Oh love” y/n frowns, reaching up to stroke his face.

“I love you” Tom whispers, his voice weak.

“T, I love you too. We’re going to fix this. Tonight though, let’s just go home and-“ y/n says, running her thumb gently under his eyes.

However, her instructions were cut off when another group of fans approached.

Tom closed his eyes briefly to compose himself so they wouldn’t see.

Y/n sighed and held his face in her hands, “baby, you do not need to do this”.

He shrugged and sighed before forcing on a smile, “do I look okay?”

“No” y/n said causing Tom to freeze in shock.

“Tom you’re always gorgeous. But no, you don’t look okay. Because you’re not. I’m done with this, I’m handling it. Now” she says, letting go of his face and placing her hands on her hips.

“Love, I appreciate it but I’ll manage” Tom says as a yawn ironically escapes.

Y/n gives him a knowing look and he bites his lip. He is beyond appreciative of her and her protectiveness over him.

However, he knows his publicist and agents would lose it if he told fans that he didn’t feel like doing photos.

He’d told her this in the past and she argued that she could do it herself then. Tom then told her that he didn’t want her to get hate from the fans even though he appreciated the offer.

While looking into her eyes, Tom realized she was past the point of caring what happened to her anymore.

It was a feeling he knew well. Whenever people would get too close or aggressive to her in public, he was the same way.

“Hey guys” y/n said, trying to sound like she was in a good mood but also demonstrating she was needing them to listen.

The fans greeted her and then promptly asked to speak to Tom.

Y/n shook her head, making eye contact with Harry and nodding towards Tom’s security guard.

Harry nodded once and walked over to explain to the security guard what needed to happen.

It was clear to Baz by her body language that she was done with Tom being overworked and wanted to ask the fans to give him space and time.

Harry told the guard he wasn’t exactly sure if y/n wanted him to help should she get hurt in response or if she wanted him to help get Tom out of the area instead. He had his suspicions and upon looking back at her, she nodded her head backwards in nonverbal confirmation that she wanted Tom out.

Y/n had been calmly trying to explain to the fans how hard Tom had been working. She was hoping they would then understand how he was feeling and let him be.

And, some of them did. Others did not get the point and instead cheered and still asked for photos with him.

Upon the security agent approaching Tom, y/n sighed and explained to the fans he would not be staying today.

The fans began mumbling and arguing but it wasn’t clear what they were saying.

Tom’s security had him gripped by the upper arm but he was defiantly staying planted where he was.

He was not going to leave her.

Tom whispered in argument to his security that he would not be leaving until they got her out of her.

Y/n turned around and used her eyes to plead with him to leave. Once he was in the car, she was planning on thanking the respectful fans and then joining him.

But, despite his very visible exhaustion and desire to leave, he wouldn’t part from her side.

Tom tried to get closer to her but his security had a firm grip on him.

Just as y/n was about to rush her thank you message to the fans so she could drag him to the car herself, she noticed the guilty look on his face and saw his muscles twitch the way they do when he started getting a headache.

It was only then that y/n realized how loud the fans/scene was.

Taking a deep breath, she stepped closer to the fans, Tom’s fingers instinctively reaching for her and brushing against her wrist in an attempt to stop her.

Y/n turned her head slightly to see him and blew him a soft kiss before facing the fans again.

“Hi guys, please try to speak softer” y/n says, waving at them to get their attention.

Some of the calmer fans complied, but the others only started asking more questions.

“Please. I know you guys want to see Tom and he loves you all. But his head is hurting so loud noises as great as it is to see how excited you all are, it is making it worse” y/n sighs and the fans instantly stop their comments.

“He’s been working so hard on this project for you guys and as much as he’d love to have time to spend with you all, he needs to rest. He’s been pushing through daily and it isn’t good for him, so please respect that he is going to be leaving right now” she adds, the fans all seeming to hang onto every word.

“Tom wouldn’t deny you guys the chance to meet with him, even when it is detrimental to his well-being. So I’m stepping in to do that for him. Feel free to respond as you wish to that. But, we are leaving now to get him home to rest either way. I just plead that you realize he needs this but that he still appreciates you all. Thank you” y/n says, turning to face Tom.

Tom can feel the tears in his eyes again as his girlfriend pleads with his fans and soon enough his vision of her is clouded and blurry.

Tom shakingly reaches his hand out to her as she approaches him.

He gives her a grateful smile and kisses her cheek when she’s close enough.

“Y-you.. thank you darling” Tom whimpers, slipping out of the guards grip and into her embrace.

“I’m always here T, regardless of who I have to piss off to do so” she says, holding him closer to her as they walk to the car.

As y/n walks, she keeps her eyes down on the beautiful boy holding onto her, his head tucked down to rest on her chest as they make their way to the car.

“Here” y/n says, reaching for the cup of tea that is awkwardly pinched between his arm and her body.

Tom looks up and shakes his head, “I want it”.

Y/n giggles sweetly at him and nods, moving her hand from his cup and then up to his head as she starts stroking his hair.

Tom blushes and gives her a soft smile; genuine but still minimal due to his exhaustion.

“Why don’t you sleep baby?” Y/n whispers as Tom lays his head on her shoulder when they get into the car.

Tom’s eyes remain slightly closed due to the sheer weight of them at this point, but they never leave y/n’s face.

“‘m wanna spend time wi’ you” Tom says, his accent causing his words to blend excessively.

Y/n grins over at him and kisses his cheek.

“Rest on the drive and I’ll wake you when we get to the hotel” she assures him.

Tom lovingly nods and lets his eye completely close.

Y/n smiles down at him, happy he is finally sleeping.

She doesn’t risk kissing his cheek as she doesn’t want him to wake up so she settles for lowering her head to rest on his as he snores softly.

Since her head is resting on his, she can’t see his face so she lets her eyes settle on his hand laying on her thigh.

She smiles as she sees the rings she bought him starting to show signs of wear from how often he has them on.

One of the rings she got him -his favorite ring- has an engraving on it facing his palm. By now, it is slightly faded as he tends to rub over the engraving with his thumb when nervous or missing her.

Y/n makes a mental note to take it to the store tomorrow while he’s on set and therefore can’t have it on.

Usually Harry has it on him so when Tom’s between shoots or scenes he can put it back on briefly.

You’d think it were a wedding band with the way he treats it and always wants it back on, but it’s not.

That doesn’t stop him from being enamored by it as it holds an important meaning to him.

Not only is the ring from the woman he loves more than anything in the world, it also has a special message on it.

The engraving on the back of this ring is the coordinates of where they first met.

She knew she’d have to tell Tom she was taking it from Harry because he’d panic if he didn’t have it when he went to put it on between takes.

She’d prefer to do it as a surprise for him, but she’d settle for him being relaxed.

Hopefully though, there will be a longer scene that would take an hour or so to get through so she could sneak it back in place before he’d be done.

“Are you scheming?” Harry whispers, turning to look back at them from his position in the front seat.

Y/n snaps her eyes up to him and smirks, “no. Not technically. But I’d like to get his ring re-engraved and cleaned tomorrow as a surprise”.

“You think he won’t notice it’s gone? Y/n/n he almost yelled at me when I left it in the trailer instead of on me once” Harry laughs quietly.

Y/n rolls her eyes and turns her head to kiss Tom’s head softly now that she’s sure he’s in deeper sleep and less likely to be prompted to wake up.

“It shouldn’t take more than thirty minutes. Is there any scenes we can take advantage of?” She asks, stroking Tom’s hair.

“You two are cloyingly endearing” Harry groans despite a smile on his face, “yes we can make it work”.

Y/n smiles and whispers a soft thank you, briefly looking up at Harry.

Harry nods, “thank you. For all of that, and this, and everything” his arms waving around as if pointing to the different scenes.

Y/n blushes and tucks her head closer to Tom’s as they continue their way to the hotel.

———

“Okay, so we’ve got a panda one, a cat one, and a… I think it’s a unicorn.. one” y/n says, holding up the three face sheet masks to the boys.

Tom smiles up at her from his position on the couch. When they got back, y/n had asked him to get into more comfortable clothes after he took his desired shower while she went and got them all takeout with Harry.

Harry had entered the living room before her so that he could set the food down as she went to grab the face masks.

“‘mm either love” Tom grinned as he shuffled in his seat so she could join him.

“Okay, unicorn it is” y/n giggled, tossing him it. “Baz?”

“Panda obviously” Harry shrugged and say down next to Tom.

“Eh, that’s y/n/n’s spot” Tom whined, shoving his brother.

“Tom it’s fine, I want to change first. So, he can sit there for a moment” y/n laughed, trying to have him compromise with Harry.

Harry smirked. Y/n and Tom were both certain he’d taken her seat on purpose to start trouble but after the chaos of today, neither cared to argue.

——

Tom looked up from his dinner as y/n walked back into the room wearing his sweats and her sleep shirt, a smile forming on his tired face.

Y/n smiled at him and kissed his forehead as she grabbed her to-go container and settled in next to him; noting Harry had moved to his own seat.

Tom adjusted the blanket he had until it covered her shoulders and she leaned against him to rest her head on his shoulder as she slowly ate.

Tom sighed in bliss as he pulled her closer with his free hand as he took another bite.

He was so thankful to be home and resting. He had only her to thank for making that possible. And he had, a lot.

It felt like he was thanking her each and every single step up the stairs to their hotel room.

She didn’t need his gratitude, she just needed to know he was okay and safe. Tom however, needed her to know how much he appreciated it.

The compromise? Her accepting his compliments and grateful sentiments anytime he came up. Tom happy knowing she was aware how he felt and showing his appreciation through nonverbal cues instead.

—-

While the three of them were watching tv, Harry stepped out of the room for a moment to take a call.

“Love?” Tom asks tenderly, his fingers dancing over y/n’s hand.

Y/n hummed in response, looking over at her boyfriend.

“Are they being kind?” Tom whispered, pointing to her phone.

Y/n furrowed her eyebrows briefly until she realized what he meant; the fans on the internet.

She nodded, stroking his face as she reassured him “actually yeah. Obviously they were understanding you need a break, which is good because if they hadn’t been I probably would have been banned from Twitter…”

Tom blushed and laughed in agreement. There was a reason he never used Twitter.

“But they also haven’t been as bad as I was expecting towards me” she shrugs, “I mean even when nothing happens we both get random hate comments, but this isn’t anything drastically more than normal”.

“I’m glad… but there should be a normal” Tom frowns snuggling closer to her warmth.

Y/n hums in agreement as she plays with his hair. It’s still silky but he could use another conditioning treatment tomorrow.

“Hey, uhh, y/n/n, have a sec?” Harry asks, re-entering the room.

Tom gives Harry a questioning look but y/n simply nods and kisses Tom’s cheek as she detangles herself from him.

Tom pouts as he watches her cross the living room to Harry.

Harry whispers something to y/n who only nods and takes the phone from him before stepping out.

Tom glares at his younger brother, “who is it?”.

Baz laughs and rolls his eyes, “mum you Div. She wanted to talk to y/n for a moment”.

—-

“No dear, I’m completely sincere about this. I cannot express how relieved you made me today. I’ve been seeing that look of exhaustion on his face for days but he would not listen to me” Nikki states.

Y/n bites her lip, feeling guilty that Nikki thinks Tom is safe with her there even though he was fighting her on this matter.

She sighs, “yeah… to be fair. He wouldn’t listen to me either. He’s been a bit stubborn”.

Nikki laughs, “he usually is. Harry told me that Tom’s been doing self care things though because of you. So even if he just started listening today, at least his care for you caused him to cooperate”.

Y/n fights a blush and smiles to herself, “I’m really happy he did, he was stressing me out. I hate seeing him overextend himself”.

“I know you do dear. We are so blessed that you guys have each other. Please be sure you’re not overdoing it either, even if with the intent of helping him” Nikki pleads.

“I promise, I’ll be careful” y/n agrees.

“Good because we care about you both and you guys need each other. I will let you get back to your night, I just wanted to thank you verbally” Nikki says, referring to the fact the two had texted on this matter earlier today.

“Always. Did you want to speak with Tom?” Y/n asks, turning around to walk back inside. “He’s awake but relaxing on the couch presently”.

“Oh, sure then. Thank you y/n. Love you dear” nikki says, a smile evident from her tone.

“Love you too, here he is” y/n says, handing the phone to Tom who hasn’t left the couch.

Tom smiles at his girlfriend and tugs her hand to get her to sit with him.

As Tom talks to his mom, his grip around y/n tightens as he sinks further into the couch.

Even if Nikki was mostly scolding him for not taking better care of himself, speaking with her, while holding y/n was everything to him in that moment.

He had the most amazing support system and wouldn’t trade it for anything.

#tom holland x reader #tom holland #tom holland fluff #my writing #tom holland x y/n #tommy baby #Tom holland x gf!reader #Tom holland tired #Tom holland fans #Tom holland TikTok #Tom holland self care #Tom holland sad #Tom holland hurt comfort

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angelstate · 1 year

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You Shouldn't (PT. 1)

Pairing: Peter Parker x fem!reader

Genre:, Angst, Fluff? (Not finished ending)

Warnings: low self-esteem, depression, negative and pessimistic mindset, mention of eating disorder, suicide attempt.

Please do not read if you're sensitive to those topics or if you're easily triggered by them.

Summary: You could no longer pretend to be happy, your boyfriend peter notice but you were too far gone into your own head.

Words:4.7k!

(sorry for being gone! I wasn't doing well mentally and i wrote this throughout that so this is super sad and maybe a little heavy to read)

you were ok, you had to be, everything in your life was great, you were studying to become a psychiatrist just like you wanted, you had a loving boyfriend and you were writing a book about a tragic love story.

How could you not be happy? You had no reason to be unhappy but..you are.

you were so unhappy it was maddening, you couldn't eat or sleep because of how tired and suicidal you felt since the moment you woke up to the moment you would fell back asleep.

you tried to blame the final exams, because of course they were super stressful, but you have aced all of them. you tried to blame the pressure you felt about finish writing your book because of course that was super stressful too, but you had all the time you wanted to write it.

maybe it was the fact you went low contact with your parents because of how against they were about you studying psychiatry but you did that for your own good 2 years ago and you never regretted it.

maybe it was seasonal depression? it could have been it if it wasn't for the fact you have had clinical depression since you were 8 years old.

it was so infuriating. Because why, why right after you had finally put your life together you were drowning again in the ocean of depression you had fought so hard to get out of? It was like the universe wanted you to fail and fall deep into your feelings.

you knew the moment you stopped eating breakfast and dinner that you were spiraling back into your unhealthy cycle; your pride didn't let you pay attention to that though.

you held too much pride into the fact the you finally had control over your life to stop and accept you were going into your depression again.

maybe if you had gotten up one day and told your therapist that it had gotten bad again you would already been out of this horrible state.

instead you chose to fake it till you make it, stupid decision because even if you fake your not depressed that doesn't change the fact that you were. Being in denial about it was just going to harm you in the long run.

and it did. it harmed you so fucking much you stopped pretending you weren't depressed. What was even the point, nobody even noticed the first time you were depressed so they wouldn't the second time.

_______________

"you have to get up" peter said and looked at you.

you were laying on your bed, blankets covering you till your neck, hair messy and full of knots because you haven't brushed it in 3 days.

"i don't want to" you answered and closed your eyes pretending to sleep right in front of peter.

"you have to" peter pressed and sat in your desk chair.

"no i don't" you said, today you didn't have classes so you had no reason to get up.

"you do, when was the last time you ate something?" he asked and pointed at you with a look of worry in his face.

"i don't know, like 4 hours ago?" You lied and pressed your lips in a thin line.

"really? because I've been here for the last 8 hours so how didn't i saw you at the kitchen?" He Said with a tone of disbelief, questioned you.

"i had food here" you lied again.

"ok, then what did you eat?" Peter crossed his arms and raised an eyebrow waiting for you to answer, maybe this time with the truth.

"i ate a Snickers and a protein bar" you answered after 10 seconds of silence.

"where are the wrappers then?" He knew what to ask. You were cornered because what lie could you possibly say now.

"i don't know" you pouted and looked down.

"don't lie to me, flower. tell me, why have you not eaten?" peter said softly, worry dripping from his eyes and voice.

"i haven't been hungry" you answered.

"ok...are you hungry now?" he asked, ready to get up and bring anything you felt like eating.

"not really" you whispered and closed your eyes again, you felt so tired.

"are you ok flower?" peter stood up and walked towards you, sitting on the bed and moving the covers do he could see your face fully.

"yes, just tired" your voice was shaky, you were the furthest thing from ok.

"alright, then sleep, tomorrow ill pick you up so we can go eat breakfast at the new coffee shop" he said before giving you a little kiss on your forehead.

"good night, flower. I love you" peter whispered in your ear.

"bye pete. I love you too" you whispered back and let yourself fell back asleep.

________________

you pulled away from peter two weeks after he caught you lying about your eating habits.

you were ashamed and embarrassed. Not just for getting caught lying but because no matter how bad you felt for doing it, you still believed that stop eating wasn't a bad thing.

You were losing weight, you actually had lost 11lb in the span of 4 weeks. it's not like you needed to lose weight, you were underweight now.

But who didn't liked to be underweight? That meant you didn't have to worry it you gain weight because that meant you would enter into your perfect weight.

It was different with you, you had anorexia nervosa when you were a teenager. You punished your body by not eating everytime you weren't good at something.

you punished yourself a lot at the time, not because you weren't good but because your parents always told you that you could be better.

It didn't matter if you were good because you weren't the best.

now, 2 months have passed since you slowly pulled away from peter. You didn't cut him off or broke up, you talked to him, you spent time with him but you no longer could be by his side all the time.

you wanted to be left alone, in the dark of your room, in the hole you dig to hide your feelings. You just wanted to pretend you weren't in pain with no people around you to show you how obviously you were lying to yourself.

"can i have uhm...a water with strawberries toppings" you said.

"what size the drink?" the girl behind the register asked with a kind smile.

"a venti please" you answered.

"do you want ice in the drink?"

"yes."

"ok, it will be 2 dollars and 50 cents" the girl said and you gave her a 5 dollar bill.

after she gave you your change you sat down on one of the empty tables to wait for your drink.

you had a lot of things to do today so you forced yourself to get up early, brush your teeth, shower and brush your hair.

now all you needed was breakfast, what you just ordered was your breakfast.

you felt guilty about even coming to Starbucks and buying it.

you should have just brought a water bottle from your department but you didn't thought about it before you left.

you were on Instagram seeing your friends posts when suddenly peter called you, sighing you decided not to answer.

thirty seconds later he called again, you picked up this time. Maybe it was something important.

"hello?"

"hi, flower. how are you?"

"i'm great, what about you?"

"i'm good, what are you doing?"

"im at starbucks, uhm..eating breakfast"

"really? That's great. i called you because aunt may want you to come and have dinner with us today"

"today?"

"yeah, are you busy?"

"uhm, a little but i can make time"

"great! i can go pick you up at 7"

"you don't have to, I'll just go after i finish my errands"

"are you sure?"

"yeah, I'll be at your house at 7"

"ok, i love u"

"love u too"

"I'll see you later, flower"

"see you"

you hung up, your body already felt tired and drained. All the energy you had for the day was already gone after that phonecall.

when did putting effort in your relationship began to feel so tiring? why were you becoming such a shitty girlfriend.

you loved peter since you were 14, you became his friend and spend months of your life with peter by your side till he finally became your boyfriend and now you couldn't bring yourself to putting the effort even though you're mind was screaming at you to do so.

"i'm a shitty person" you whispered and walked out of Starbucks with your drink.

_____________

"why didn't you show up?" Peter was in your front door, face filled with frustration and anger you knew you had provoked.

"im sorry" you said, that all you could say to be honest. you weren't capable in going on a full rant about how suicidal you felt yesterday to the point you just went home without even finishing your errands and then fell asleep crying because of how tired you felt.

the thing about the depression is, you can't tell people why you're depressed. sometimes you don't know why. And when you do, you can't bring yourself to tell anyone. you didn't want for people to think you felt entitled to receive help.

"i knows you are, what i don't know is why you didn't show up" he said loudly, stepping inside of your apartment and closing the door so this conversation would be private.

"something i ate made me sick" you lied and hugged yourself, looking up you saw how peter face had a expression of disbelief.

you saw how his eyes scanned your figure, throwing daggers at the way your "skinny jeans" were baggy on your figure, how your shirt seem oversized and how your skin was pale and dull.

"don't lie" he finally answered and looked at you with worry, his voice still filled with frustration.

"im not lying" you weren't exactly lying, you did felt sick, you had thrown up but you didn't ate so no food made you sick.

"you are, i know you're not eating. There's something wrong and you're not being honest with me. I can help you if you don't talk to me" peter stretched his arms out, reaching out to you but waiting for you to walk into his arms.

"i don't need help" you took a few steps back until the back of your legs made contact with the couch.

"i know you need help, if this is like when we were in high school i can help you. I know how you just need to let me in" peter pressed and walked closer to you.

"this isn't like high school, pete. I'm not sick i don't need your help or any help at all." you lied.

you needed his help, your body and mind were screaming for it. for him to save you from drowning in this ocean of depression. to give you his hand so you can take it and see the sun again and felt nourished by the sun rays.

"don't do this, please." peter suddenly begged you.

"don't do what?" you asked unsure of what to do at the sudden change of mood in the room.

"don't shut me off again. I want to help you and be by your side, you can't give up on yourself. You can expect me to give up on you" peter whimpered at the last sentence, his eyes slowly began to form tears.

your heart broke, and your emotions began to explote in your mind, how sorry you felt for peter, for feeling sad about your unhealthy state and for how miserable being with you was making him be.

you needed to be comforted and yet you broke the boy in front of you to be point he needed it more than you at this moment.

you were a shitty girlfriend.

"in sorry, ok?" you whispered and closed the distance between peter and you before hugging him.

you were sorry, you were really really sorry about not showing up, about lying, about pulling away and not putting effort in the relationship.

You hated the fact that even feeling extremely sorry you couldn't bring yourself to speak to him about how it had gotten bad again and this time you really believed you wouldn't be able to get out.

"please don't push me away" peter whispered in your ear and hugged you back hiding his face on your neck, breathing in your smell and realizing how his frustration didn't left his body.

"i won't, your stuck with me forever" you answered but didn't what you said didn't felt true

of course you wouldn't push him away again, but 'forever'? would you really be here for him forever, alive? you weren't sure that was a promise you could keep. Sooner or later you would give up.

"forever" he whispered back.

____________

forever: adverb

meaning: for All future time; for always.

you shouldn't have used the word forever, not then and not now. In the ending of your suicide letter.

you shouldn't be promising to be stuck by his side forever in the after life or on all the other lives you'll have to live until you can finally rest.

you shouldn't be whispering to yourself forever now, promising yourself and eternal bed of rest.

you shouldn't be laying on your bathtub with your clothes on, filled to the brim with hit water, so hit that it's making your skin sting.

you shouldn't be eyeing the blade in your right hand like your past lover from another life, finally reunited after such a long wait to kiss again.

you shouldn't.

you shouldn't but you were.

you had love and fear tattooed on your eyes, your mouth tasting the bitterness of fake acceptance of the ending.

your hands shaking with excitement and fear; with anticipation and hesitation.

you shouldn't be doing this if half of your body is drowning on sorrow and hesitation but you were doing this.

it had been way too long, you used too much time to feel your feelings so now you were acting on them. your pain was acting his most desired fantasy.

you were screwed from the moment you picked up the red inked pen and wrote on that white sheet of paper that was laying on your desk, waiting to be used, waiting to be stained with your tears.

you wanted to pick up your phone and cry for help to your peter, tell him you were about to do something you shouldn't and to save you like the super hero he is.

but you couldn't, you couldn't, you couldn't.

you couldn't and it that was about to kill you.

"god please forgive me" you whispered, running the blade deeply in both of your wrists, cutting a long line across your upper arms.

the pain took your breath away, like when you were a kid and almost drowned in your uncle's pool, the same pain and breathlessness the water inside your lungs created.

the sound of your blood dripping into the bath made you feel nauseous, like when you were a teenager and the smell of food when you starved yourself for to long made you throw up.

the smell was slowly getting stronger to the point in got overwhelming to your tired body, like the first time you took this same desition.

This was too much.

you shouldn't, you shouldn't, you shouldn't.

but you did.

and god how good it felt.

wow.

everything went black, your mind filled with peace, the silence was comforting and you were wrapped in a bed of comfort. Slowly sinking more to the point you couldn't breath.

your skin felt warm, like your head was disconnected to your body, your thoughts finally leaving your mind like a running tap, nothing stopping the flow of your most secrets and suicidal thoughts.

there was nothing and there was everything around you, all the things that filled your soul with experiences was happening around you, memories flooding the endless space you were floating so carelessly.

this was paradise, until your mind started to rant about the way hell was here

hell was you

hell was waking up

hell was taking deep breaths

......

wake up and take a deep breath; look around you and accept your alive in between disasters out of reach of your fixing hands.

wake up and take a deep breath; look beside you and take in the features of who's laying beside you, in the same bed of pain. Suffering differently but in the same level as you.

wake up and take a deep breath; look at your body laying in a bathtub of pain filled with red water, realize is the same as the bed of pain, only lonelier and eternal in your dying body.

wake up and take a deep breath.

________________

you woke up and took a deep breath, looked beside you and found the familiar features of who just like promised, was laying beside you, this ion a uncomfortable chair, head resting on the hospital bed your tired body was resting on.

his hands was holding yours, touch warm and comforting, just like the last thing you remember.

he moved, slowly. Bringing his head slightly closer to your body, searching for the warm your tired body wasn't able to provide him anymore.

he just found your waist, bringing his free hand to rest on the new found skin, searching for a trace of past memories.

the ones his bedroom walls witnessed.

you took a deep breath, filling your lungs with the air you desperately tried to get rid off, you body slowly fighting to bring your warm back.

to bring you back to life in the spiritual way, the one you died long ago.

you took a deep breath.

this time he woke up, eyes adjusting to the light of the room before falling on your face.

your eyes wide open, lips and skin pale but screaming silently about the minuscule life it held.

slowly, his expression filled with realization of your not so lifeless body, his eyes grew wide and desperate, his lower lip quivered and his hands that held you began to shake.

"your alive" he said in disbelief, voice shaking and out of breath.

you couldn't say anything, there were no options going through your mind, everything was empty. no words sounded appropriate in your mind.

so you just stared at him with your clueless and death doe eyes, no light inside of them to show him a peak of your bruised soul.

"why are you alive?" your eyes went completely empty, how can you answer that?.

"I don't know'

.......

(to be continued)

#peter parker #peter parker fic #peter parker fluff #spiderman #tom holland spiderman #peter parker x fem!reader #peter parker x reader #spiderman fic #spiderman angst #spiderman fluff #spiderman sad #the avengers

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