#tomorrow im gonna cry so hard

[opens-up-4-nobody]

As a stranger on the internet (so feel free to ignore or tell me I'm out of line) you might just be going through a grieving process. It sucks, a lot, and I don't really have any advice other than it will slowly get better, but it might help simply knowing.

Grief is different for everyone, and looks different for everyone too. But either way I hope you feel better soon <3

It's very possible, I just don't want that to be the answer because then I don't know what to do

#it feels more like im using grief as an excuse to not do anything and i find it really upsetting #i just dont kno what to do. i have a lightning talk to give tomorrow and i cant get anywhere bc when i try to get anything done i just start #crying and everything feels like a mess that i have no motivation to clean up #just everything. why did i decide to do this with my life? why couldnt i have chosen a functional career path? #i dont kno what im doing. i dont kno how im going yo get things together for my committee meeting Friday #or how ill get thru it without crying. i dont even kno what i want. i wanna talk to my dad i guess but ive never told anyone in my family #when im having a hard time and i dont kno how to do that without making him worry #ugh. tomorrow's gonna suck. so does today. i just want the semester to be over. but then i cant escape my project. so idk what i want #i want sleep for 1000 years or at least until all my problems are gone #unrelated

[liatreppe]

THERE'S GONNA BE A NEW ALL TOMORROWS BOOK???????

I WANNA CRY

THANK YOU CM KOSEMEN TYYYYY

#cm kosemen #all tomorrows #NEW BOOK #IM GONNA CRY #I LOVE THIS SO MUCH THIS BOOK ACCOMPANIED ME DURING HARD TIMES #I LOVE IIIIIT AAAA

[dont-be-late-to-the-dance]

Tried to get back into my Serrennedy childhood friend AU. And if I am allowed to be very personal on main for a moment, I think my being unable to work on a fic where Leon has a shit load of trauma because of my trauma is Something

And I'm realizing there's probably a lot more to unpack than I thought. I thought the reason trying to reread any of it and working on the draft for the next chapter was simply because I wrote it while in the traumatic situation, so it reminded me of it.

I didn't ever intentionally channel what I was going through into the fic… but it slipped in. Leon's hair not being washed often enough. One of the many, MANY traumatic things that happened this year was our landlord illegally having our water shut off, which we pretty much just lived with because we didn't think it was worth fighting. So I did go an extended period of time without bathing. (We had a gym membership where we could shower, but I have sensory issues with showers so :/)

Leon having no one except Luis. That's not a more specific trauma, but I've struggled with feeling lonely for a long ass time now, and the more recent big trauma fest definitely worsened the problem, because literally no one knows the full extent of it. I can't really talk about it because some of it is stuff that's been slowly building for years and the trauma dumps would have their own trauma dumps. Even with a couple close friends, that already know the background and wouldn't need all the context, I haven't felt like I could talk about it because a lot of the most traumatic elements are almost entirely self inflicted, which makes it embarrassing to admit to. (Things would have been traumatic no matter what, but it could have been significantly less traumatic.)

The dirty hair and loneliness are currently the only connections to my personal trauma that I'm aware of, but I'm certain more of it slipped in that I'd notice if I reread all of it. After having the realization about those, I just had to close everything I had open related to it because I'm just. Not ready to unpack all of that.

I think unpacking it will be necessary and therapeutic, but it'll be messy and probably get worse before it gets better, and the one very amazing event that served as my lifeline to keep going and not just give up on life when I was in the thick of the bad situation is in less than a week, and there's absolutely no way I'm going to risk jeopardizing my enjoyment of it by falling apart before it.

#i feel bad putting this in the main ship tags but i really need to get this off my chest #it's been festering for a long while #serennedy #serrennedy #rlly wish i was a fictional character so someone would make a post psycho analyzing me #bc the childhood friend AU is def a unique convergence of a Lot of trauma bc it's the only one that hits me so fucking hard #seriously it hits me HARD. ugly sobbing every time ive tried to revisit it. even tho other things w pieces of trauma don't do that to me #the piece of the rockstar AU that has luis sleeping in his car because he was evicted? absolutely 100% certified Heather's Trauma™ moment #and yet the rockstar au just makes me HAPPY. no tears #ok im done w this topic now. gonna get off here and have a geddy lee therapy session #(letting myself ugly cry while listening to a specific rush song) tonight but tomorrow will be happy #god i hope i don't wake up embarrassed i posted this tho

[mag200]

.

#professor gave an extension on our sculpture project and made tomorrows class another full work day for it #which is very nice for everyone who was having a hard time w the project so i appreciate that #but meanwhile i came in hyperfocused and got so into it and its basically done #im doing a few touchups but im gonna have like. nothing to do in class tomorrow. #i did email my professor abt it so we'll see maybe i wont have to go in tomorrow morning? not sure #every other person in my class was like. screaming and crying on day 1 of the project about how hard it was #and meanwhile i was just like. in the fucking zone. going crazy with it. having a grand old time. #i really really love it i just dont know what im gonna do in class all day tomorrow lol

[excusemebutiquit]

Uh oh besties, I’m feeling complex tonight!!

#my post #change is… hard. even when it’s very wanted. #even when it’s very wanted and very good. it’s still hard. #I’m trying to remember what going to college as a freshman was like. #so she can help me go though my current change. #idk I feel like she did better but also she had a routine right away. I’m hoping when I have a routine I’ll do better #I’m not even doing bad. #overall mentally I’ve been in much less despair but also change is hard #and I’m happy to be around my friends so much and I miss my parents and Im excited to grow and I miss being comfortable with my surroundings #so yeah. anyway. trying to give myself space to be complex but it’s hard because I’m in a whirlwind. #but tomorrow I’m gonna look at the eclipse. maybe I’ll receive some cosmic signs. maybe it’ll just be a super cool eclipse. #either way i will face tomorrow. and the day after that #and so on and I will grow and still be complicated but if I just keep going it will feel less big #UPDATE I cried a little bit and I’m feeling still complex but better so. adding crying only a little bit to the list

[greenieflor]

I got my draft in on time but god it's so bad I'm so not proud of it

#lav rambles #but its in and right now thats what matters #im gonna go talk to my prof tomorrow #and try so hard not to start crying in her office #basically gonna beg to be able to submit a second draft for better/more feedback

[catkin-morgs-kookaburralover]

goodnight

#off to bed and we. shall see. if i keep my streak. i desperately hope i do. #but oh God help me it's hard #i ust want to harm so bad #well really i want to do more than harm but i Won't #i am so tired from work lately #ransom has her first vet appointment tomorrow #i have work tomorrow #it just #all stacking up i don't even know #had mildly difficult/thought provokin convo today #aaaaa i want to jump off my balcony #of course i won't i definitely won't but i Want To #gah i can't even explain why im feeling like this ugh hate it #puddleglum hours #i really need a decent cry but it's all bottled up inside me and the only way i know of releasing that in the way it feelin now is to harm #tw sh #ive been nearly ten and a half days i want to get to at least a fortnight #hmmm gonna bring puter to bed so i can listne to music real quiet tho bc i lost my headphones idk where htey are #watch me Not get much sleep huh #a dnthen be unfit for work tomorrow? its more likely tha you think #i also wish i had a lighter i need to acquire one next time im getting petrol #(no im not a smoker. just a pyromaniac.) #(mostly i have a healthy enough fear of fire after dressing a nasty burn wound on placement last y that i probably wouldn't harm using fire #probably.) #i dont know in my head is all ajumbled mess and i dont see how i am to keep going #and every time i say that i keep going anyhow and that thought makes it feel like im overreacting to all this which. of course i am. #nothin but a fool a very tired helpless useless one #was playing the piano earlier. played a movt from a concerto to which ive set words to a section at least (not the full thing yet) #'and though the night seems endless/until the storm has passed/still i will hope in God my trust/i will follow him' #my favourite lines from that

[gibbearish]

the thing with autism right. is i know if i was having a full mental health crisis what i would end up doing is going to the emergency room and being like "hello, my name is (x) birthday (y), um i was hoping to talk to you about potential mental health inpatient care? i'm currently having a mental health crisis and don't think i can be trusted on my own" like if there's one thing i can be sure will live on in me no matter how hard the brainworms try. is my fucking customer service voice

#like itll be busted as fuck because ill be freaking out but you bet ill be sobbing my way through verbally drafting an email #ive done it before‚ like im a frustrated crier and once i start crying i cant turn it off so ive had a couple times where i had a breakdown #at work‚ cried about it a lot‚ and my lead pulled me into a meeting room after i calmed down to check in #and as soon as i started talking it just started again so i had to be like 'sorry th-this is just something m-m-my bod-dy does‚ i-i'm calm #m-mentally but i just c-cant turn this-is off‚ just try to i-ignore HIC it and f-f-focus-s on the w-wwwords‚ #(tired of crytyping so just mentally fill it in yourself in everything else i say) #n they offered me more time to chill but im like no really i genuinely am calm‚ i calm down wayyy before my body does its gonna #keep doing this on and off all day‚ it takes hours for it to fully calm down and is on a hair trigger the entire time #so thinking about this will make it kick back up again no matter what unless we talk tomorrow‚ so if youre ok with bearing with me then cool #and theyre like. dang ok and just focused on what i said #or much more recently i was talking to my roommate‚ stopped‚ held up a finger + stood there silently for ten seconds‚ #then was like 'sorry about that‚ i think i have to throw up. excuse me for a moment. what was that? oh gotcha yeah i'll message you if i #need anything‚ thank you' #and just typing it out like that it sounds like i was fine and just saw it coming a ways away. however that is not the case #i had had my covid booster and some other vaccine earlier that day‚ lost 5 vials of blood‚ eaten Nothing‚ drank only #acidic-ass apple juice‚ and had just hit my vape too hard #keeping it in once it made its presence known was a feat of will the likes of which have never been seen before #and still my sentences prevail

[orcelito]

Another morning another day

I've been thinking a lot about going to the animal shelter

#speculation nation #there r many cats there and i have an aching spot available for one #passively thinking about getting a kitten. just bc id enjoy getting to raise a cat for once #and i think tally would be a good big sister given how much she groomed cassy #at the same time tho i wanna adopt a cat that might not otherwise be adopted so quickly. aka an adult cat #& also like with tally. i very purposefully picked out the loud black cat bc everyone was passing her up #but she was YELLINGGG at me from the cage. and i was like 'oh alright' and took her home #and now shes my sweet darling girl. she just needed like a year to chill out so she is no longer a chaos demon lmao #it's also hard to know what youre getting with a kitten. and it's a lot of resposibility. so like. idk. #but also. Kitten Cute... 🥺 #i'll have to see what they have when i go there. still not happening for at least a few more days. #it feels too soon rn. but im thinking about this all to cope lol. i hate having only one cat. #i keep wanting to go out to greet Cat Number 2 in the living room. but. nope. so i go back to greet tally on my bed #she's a loving cat but she does Not like to be smothered. and im kind of smothering her lmao #that's another reason to get a 2nd cat. yes i want tally to have company when im gone at work #but also i need a second cat that is very affectionate bc I Want My Hugs And Kisses Dammit #idk when im getting his ashes back. probably somewhat soon. id estimate tomorrow? they were rly quick with sammy's #idk what im gonna do if they call while im at work lol. cry probably. #tho i havent cried in almost a full day!! been like 22 hours. i have been Trying to cope. mixed results. #ah well. c'est la vie and all that shit. #animal death ment/

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#ugh. i dont kno what to do. im about to reap what ive sown bc Tomorrow is the start of the 1st real week of class #and i have cell mechanics and biochem tomorrow and i can already tell the class is gonna b a lot #like it would b one thing if we were just reading and discussing papers but there r summary assignments and exams #and like u dont understand what it takes for me a read a paper. it takes so much pain. and this class is centered around eukaryotes #and i study prokaryotes so like its not really that relavent to me but like i didnt kno what else to take #everyone does eukaryotic stuff. general genetics was full. the microbial evolution class conflics with another class #and everyone tells me ill know everything anyway but im not sure thats true. and if it is i think it would still b fun #so idk. i could drop the class and pick up extra hours for research instead. like use the time to read relevant papers #its sorta hard bc i already have a masters so its like where do u put me? not in stats. i kno how to do a lot of things so idk #i think i saw a plant evolution class. if i wasnt intimidated by the teacher and ever took botany maybe i would go for it #but so it goes. idk. im meeting my advisor on Tuesday morning so maybe ill bounch ideas off of him #and like i kno it sounds like im being a bitch over having to take 2 3hr classes but ive got to ta and do research and somehow find time #to work on my existing data. so like i could justify only taking the one 3hr class i think #ugh. i just wish i could read. and i wish i could sleep #maybe the class tomorrow wont b so bad. or maybe it will. idk i just really wanna take the microbio course #my eyes r all swollen from crying. bleh. i was not designed for this. for reading #unrelated

[canceriancryptid]

.

#im on the verge of a complete breakdown. #im too stupid for university and there's no one i can talk to. #i don't know what to do #im so overwhelmed and im getting c's at best #im trying so fucking hard but nothings working #i don't have the time to have a relationship AND go to university at the same time #i feel so horrible and i can't stop fucking crying #i was gonna hunker down and spend all day studying after my class tomorrow but i can't because i have a fucking appointment #nobody seems to fucking get it #my partner got fixing straight a's when he was in uni and he's just so fucking smart and i can't seem to hit the mark #i always knew i was stupid #never realized i was this stupid #im not like suicidal suicidal #but its definitely seeming appealing rn

[femme-malewife]

A couple female employees walked up to me after I finished my paperwork and they asked me if I got the job

I said yes and they went "oh my gosh, yay!" And just smiled at me-

#Im gonna cry so hard #A few of my current coworkers are also coming in tomorrow on their day off to see me off since its my last day there #and one was like “oh shit i didnt know that was tomorrow ill get you something” #LIKE. DJDJFKRKD IS. IS THIS WHAT IT FEELS LIKE. TO BE A SOMEWHAT LIKABLE PERSON...???? #im gonna actually cry like. Deadass

[somehow-i-got-an-account]

Kill me please

#im studying for a physics test #i have it next class #im gonna fail #its on so much stuff like its on simple harmonic motion and circular motion and gravity and orbits and rotational kinematics and dynamics a #nd momentum and energy and holy shit theres so much fucking stuff and so many fucking equations and all the variables changed and fuck #AND THEN AFTER THIS WE START PHYSICS 2 IM LITERALLY GONNA CRY #i mean at least thats not until next semester but its literally gonna be so hard #ughhhh i also have a midterm for this class (basically a final since its rhe end of physics 1 but whatever) and aleo for all my other class #es and also two tests and a presentation tomorrow and i fucking hate testing season

[hershelchocolate]

Everyone please congratulate me I've just beaten Pokemon Firered for the first time after playing and replaying and replaying it for over fifteen years and I am the worlds specialist little guy for the next 15 minutes

#screaming and crying etc etc i am stimming SO HARD rn i gave myself a headache #i have started playing this game probably 20+ times #i made it to the elite four ONCE and got WRECKED by the first one #AND I DID IT!!!!! #my team did SO GOOD im so proud of them im gonna cry #ive never done it before!!!!! i got to hear the CREDIT MUSIC #i have been bouncing and skipping and hand flapping etc etc for like half an hour constantly #how is a baby supposed to go to bed to attend classes tomorrow in this condition??? #but also i dont care cause OVER FIFTEEN YEARS AND I FINALLY DID IT!!!!!! AAAAAAA #THE BABY SQUAD PREVAILS #pokemon #randy rambles

[pepprs]

the way i am going to need to be tranquilized and sedated to get through tomorrow. god fucking help me

#purrs #particularly from like 1:30-3:30 specifically. i do not know how i will be able to get work done. i do not know how i am going to be able to #not fucking die. i really feel like i am going to pass out. i can’t do this i really truly genuinely cannot #every time i remember. like just… there are implications of this i have not even THOUGHT OF yet. that haven’t even crossed my MIND that are #still so engrained in my life and way of thinkjng and being. and i don’t know ifim gonna make her uncomfortable or panicked or guilty by #sobbing my eyes out not to mention other people witnessing that but there is NO WAY im gonna be able to not sob hysterically. this is #legitimatelt one of the most painful things that has ever happened to me in my whole life which says something about how much pain i have #experienced as a human being and how ridiculous it is that im freaking out over this LOL. but ummmmmm. this is……. this is so bad. i think #everything after tomorrow will be very hard (because i’ll miss her terribly) but it’ll be okay because it’s like this is the reality and now #we have to just like move forward and yeah im gonna have breakdowns on here abt how i feel like we aren’t properly grieving it or whatever a #and how i want time to like cope with it and not keep movi ng at 38472974mph WHILEALSO trying to not convey panic. but it’s been this #excruciating mindfuck of a situation bc she’s still HERE. STILL USING THE ‘WE’ THE DAY BEFORE SHE LEAVES! LIKE WHAT IS GOING ONBNNN THE COGN #COGNITIVE FUCKING DISSONANCE OF IT ALL!!!!! and like seeing her and having her stuff still around and whatever is um. it’s bad. it’s really #making it hard for me to accept that this is happening. so tomorrow is it then and we will drag ourselves through it and i swear to god i #will be hysterically crying. maybe even as i walk in and see her there knowing it’s the last time. LOL. like how do i not…. omgggggggg 😍😍😍😍😍 #this is so so so bad. why is this happening. not only is it embarrassing and humiliating but it’s like girl thisis an office this is work it #it’s really not that big a deal. BUT IT IS. TO US. TO ME. WHY IS SHE DOING THIS? i am about to punch the WALL. but nothing will help or make #it better until time passes or if she randomly decides not to do it. idk .i just can’t believe it. im so angry and sad and hurt and scared. #tomorrow will straight up kill me. it really actually seriously will. i don’t know how im gonna get through it. LOL #delete later

[aastarions]

i think i need another root canal :’)

#i finally have dental insurance through my job but #i still dont want to think about how much im gonna have to pay out of pocket #c shut up #i have a consultation tomorrow with the dentist for him to check out my teeth and tell me what i need done and how #much it'll cost me #but yeah one of my teeth broke more today and i took a photo #and it doesnt look good :') #funny enough its right next to the tooth i had a root canal on like 4 years ago #sucks ive been trying so hard to take care of my teeth #but dental hygiene has always been a struggle for me #but i wanna cry bc of how much money im gonna have to put into it