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#toxic

I don’t recognize me. When I try to think of what I look like I can’t picture it. I don’t really know what I stand for or why I stand for the things I do. I’m grappling on for a moment in time and I’m watching as my world burns around me and I the idiot who knocked the candle over.

I sometimes wish my life was one of those movies where you know in the end things and people will all make up for the better but alas I’m not those people and that’s not my life and as I lie here knowing it’s my fault I don’t really know what else to do. I can’t feel sorry for myself because im to blame and I can in no way dislike anyone for reacting the way they have done because I was at fault and I played a manipulative and harmful tyrannical game without even properly realizing it. Yes, it was sudden but it was also needed.

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“No hay nada más tóxico que tú mismo guardando tus secretos, ocultando tus lágrimas, silenciando tus gritos y destrozando tu alma.”

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Originally posted by rexnotas

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Today on: REMEMBERING CHILDHOOD INJURIES.

When I was younger, I was a “good” kid. I didn’t do drugs, I didn’t sneak out (except for that one time from not my parents house), I did exceptional on my tests, my hobbies were books and drawing, I stayed home all the time.

My parents kept looking for things I was “doing”. Sometimes it was ‘I wasn’t doing my homework’, ‘I wasn’t spending time outside’, ‘I had too much of an attitude’. Sometimes they suspected I was an awful person and thought I was ‘lying’, ‘on drugs’, ‘whoring myself’, doing something illegal or improper when I asked to hang out with my friends.

So I stopped asking to hang out with my friends outisde of school. Not even legit after-school activities like clubs, because there was the guilt tripping that they ‘are on a busy schedule and can’t keep driving around’. Sure. I stopped asking to do anything, really. It was a game of 20 questions every time I wanted something and even after all that, the answer was still no.

I mean, sure, I was depressed 🤷‍♀️ but I thought I was a very low maintenance kid. I really had to evaluate *every* time I wanted to hang out with my friends and wonder if it was something to FIGHT for. Like a friends birthday. And when I “win” and get to go, my parents used it against me for a while by saying I’m “disrespectful for being argumentative”.

I was a *good* boring kid, just never good enough.

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<span>can we forget about the world, about what happened, about what you did, and what i didn’t do, forget about what they think, what they thought, and what they want, what they expect and fall into each other’s arms for one last time, and fall asleep next to each other once more, i just want to feel your presence next to mine, for once more, because without you i don’t exist anymore.</span>
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I look back in the past, there were always high highs and low lows. Never anything in between. How strange was that for me to think that was normal. For me to think that was genuine love, it was never a balanced thing we had. Never at peace for more than a hot minute before destruction came over again like a wave. I do appreciate the good times we had, I do. But In those good times I held on to for so long, longing for the good times we had to come back. There came a time where is was mostly bad, that the good times felt like a dream away. When the person I loved was a distant memory in my head, I loved the idea of you and what you could have been. I chose to love myself, something that I did not do in a long time. You will thank me some day. We were oozing toxicity, and we both deserved better than that for ourselves. 

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Telling a mentally ill person that everyone suffers because of the lockdown is EXACTLY THE SAME THING as telling them that ‘everyone has bad days/feels depressed/anxious sometimes’

It doesn’t help, it just makes us feel invalidated and worse.

Thank for coming to my TED talk.

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i took a sip from my devil’s cup

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Having such a bad roommate that makes you want to commit suicide?

Yes, that’s me and my roommate.

It’s not enough to just leave a mess after everything she does. She also has the guts to fuck her boyfriend in my bed, pretend she didn’t did it, and deny when caught.

Get my clothes without my permission, use them, throw in the washer and completely leave them without drying, causing the spread of fungus and etc.

Leaving dishes in the entire house, without cleaning them, such as the kitchen, living room, entrance and my room, for days.

“Forgetting” the lights on the entire house for the entire day, and then having the guts to be pissed at me when I tell her about it, even though she NEVER helped with any energy bill.

Leaving the house unlocked all the time, because “there is nothing important inside”.

Making absolute hell of my life and being noisy as a hellcat, even though she knows I work night shifts.

Lastly: playing dumb when asked to pay what she owes me. As if keeping someone as toxic as that was not enough of a burden.

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It’s always easy for us to find the flaws of protagonists in movies or television shows, who don’t do the heroic act, or reach their redemption arc very quickly. In some ways, we view ourselves in the same lens that we view these characters. 

Are you one of those people who hated Ross and Rachel’s relationship on Friends? Are you one of those people who just feels disgusted every time they remember Sierra Burgess? 

If your answer is yes, then you’re in for a treat. 

A lot of people in our lives are toxic. In some ways, so are we. 

We’re people. We make mistakes. We say yes when we really mean no. We brag about our achievements. We convince ourselves that we are on the good side just because we don’t have tattoos or vices. We do good for that bigger intention that we selfishly want to go to a better place when we die. We commit to people or work even though we know we’re not ready yet, because we’re people. 

But then again, we’re people. We love happy endings. We think positively. We feel elated when we see wholesome memes or we read wholesome parenting tweets. We feel humbled when we see less healthier people fighting to live. We appreciate nature through photos. We love to build memories. And most importantly, we always strive to be the better versions of ourselves. 

You know, up until recently would you believe that I forgot I was a human being? How, you ask? 

Simple. 

I was too busy envisioning myself in the perfect state of every aspect of my life. I forgot that I needed to make some room for improvement. Until my internal revelation came and revealed that I was, to my surprise, a normal and flawed human being. 

So when shit hit the fan, there were commitments I wasn’t able to uphold, responsibilities I tried to juggle that kept getting out of my grasp, and people I forgot were my support system and not my diaries. Plus I just couldn’t process anything, at all. 

Someone called me out on it and said that I’ve “caused them a lot of trouble”. It was a slap to reality, and a big wake up call to my facade. I was angry and guilty. There were points I wanted to say back at this person to prove that I alone didn’t cause the trouble he was referring to, but I couldn’t. I didn’t. 

Because I shouldn’t expect him to be sensitive enough to know what is going on with me behind the scenes. That’s when I realized what my toxic trait was. 

I always thought that my sob story would make people be more understanding. I treated every friend I had, and all my family, like a diary. I always put it in the excuse that I was simply a sensitive person. 

But the reality is, I wasn’t a sensitive person. I was sensitive to my feelings, yes, but I wasn’t sensitive to the feelings of others. It was always, it doesn’t matter what you’re feeling right now, you have to listen to me. 

So after causing a MAJOR setback to a group of dedicated people who had goals to achieve on a regular basis, and holding them back for the past week, I’ve finally learned that I was human. I was a flawed human being who always thought people should be more sensitive when I only wanted them to be sensitive about my feelings.  

But you know what’s the bigger thing that I got from all of that? Because i found out that most people have at least one toxic trait, it’s easier to forgive them when they make mistakes. 

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It’s hard to know, you’d only love me fully if I were dead

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ich hab gewonnen, weil ich mich stark für mich gemacht habe.

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My half sister is tearing my mum and her family apart and I can’t do anything to help. She is a danger to herself and others and is going to burn her life down. I’m nervous of her as she’s attacked me in the past. But also feel incredibly guilty for feeling feelings of anger towards her. I know she’s struggling and that life is just too much for her, but I’m furious at how she is treating and affecting the people who try to help her. I’m finding that it’s all affecting me a lot more than I realised, feel helpless watching it all happen and seeing how it’s destroying my mother.

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You ever wonder, when you die.


How many people will act as if they’re closed to you… I mean duh… When I die and they start to sympathize and talk good behind me when actually They’re the ones who wants me dead.


The irony ryt.

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lesson: People you love and care about can be toxic and manipulative. Never trust anyone blindly.

With time, I realised how my father was the one who sabotaged my relations w my friends and extended family. Never give people so much power that they can control you easily. Not even your parents.

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In urgent need of that Britney Spears power that makes ugly ass dudes into hot ones by just rubbing her ass in their crotch and making out with them…

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This is a story that spans 5 years.

Let’s start from the beginning…I met (lets call him Jack) Jack approximately 5 years ago. His part time job intersected with mine. When I tell you I loved that man from the moment I saw him, i am not exaggerating. He was beautiful in every sense of the word. Tall. Green eyes. Perfect smile. Muscular. Driven. Successful. Kind. It was instant for me. I wanted him. He seemed so far out of my league but we clicked. Jack was not interested in me romantically and that was clear, however, I was so drawn to him that I just wanted to be in his life. A friendship ensued. He became my best friend. My rock. My cheerleader. Jack was who I turned to when things went awry. I watched him date and love other women. I even watched him propose to another woman. It crushed me but he was happy and that was all I needed. He still confided in me and he was my best friend.

Jack ended up not marrying his fiance. It crushed him, in every sense of the word. He fought to win her back and did everything you would ever dream of a man doing to make you feel special. I was there. I picked him up. I put him back together. I dated people in this time frame but nothing worked out and nothing significant. He put me back together during my heart breaks. He helped me through school. He asked me to come over for dinner and beers one night. Never once had he mentioned feeling something different or more than friends for me. I didn’t expect anything of it. After dinner this man kissed me and ruined my world. Head exploding intense electricity. He immediately stopped and said that he didn’t feel that way about me and he shouldn’t have done that. It crushed me.

I put it to the side and continued to be his friend. He got in a relationship with a woman that was my best friend at the time. She knew how I felt about him and still got into a relationship with him. Crushed again lol. See a trend? Anyways, they date for a pretty long time, break up and then get back together. He still continued to call and confide in me during this time. She hated me. Didn’t want him talking to me. At some point he confessed that he loved me. Said he was in love with me. I was so confused. After all this time? My heart exploded.

He was still dating my ex bestfriend. He would keep me blocked when she was home and then unblock me when he was at work or she was at work. It was a rollercoaster. We would talk about such intimate things. Kids. A home. Sex. Marriage. So many promises. He would sneak over to my apartment and we would makeout. He would look at me and cry and tell me how much he loved me. My soul was bare to him. I would have done anything this man wanted. I loved him in a way I can’t describe. Our souls were connected. He had a tether to me. He could tell how I felt just by looking at me or in how my texts were worded. So, I stayed. Even when he was in a relationship with another woman. I loved him. He was who i pictured my future with. He was my future. I could never picture anyone else. It was always him.

Jack would start to feel guilty for his actions and words towards me because of his relationship. He would cut me out of his life for a month at a time. I would be blocked on everything with no way of communicating. It instilled abandonment issues that I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to overcome. His relationship with this woman was toxic and abusive. On both of their parts.

Jack and his girlfriend eventually broke up. He ghosted me for four months after. I decided that was it for me. I packed my things and moved back to hometown. Started a new job. I started over. Not, two weeks into my new job…he calls. Says he just needed time to figure things out and get back to who he was. I, of course, let him back in. The routine started again. Blocking, unblocking. And this time there was no reason behind it. He wasn’t with her anymore. It was like he was doing it to just upset me because he knew how it destroyed me when he did it. Eventually he asks to see me. I love him so i say yes. We meet up and he won’t even hardly touch me. Says he doesn’t feel the same way about me anymore. Essentially that he wasn’t in love with me anymore. My world crumbled. I had done and been everything he needed me to be and I wasn’t enough. I cannot explain this heart break. It was like nothing I had ever experienced. My future. The man I thought would be the father to my children just disintegrated. I left right in that moment and sobbed all the way home. He never called, never reached out.

Four months later, here we are. He tries to text me and then sends me several messages on facebook. Asking if I will ever talk to him again? The short answer? No. If you don’t love me then there is no reason to continue down this path. It will only lead to my destruction. I never responded to his messages. I was disposable to him. My feelings do not matter. 5 years i endured. I stayed steady. When it was my time to have him, to be happy, he crushed me. I was just an emotional crutch for him. A soft pillow to lay his head when his girlfriend mistreated him. I can never go back to being that girl.

There is a part of me that is always going to love him. I still love him. I’m still in love with him. I cannot break this tether that it between us. after 4 months I should be able to look back and know he wasn’t it. But, I can’t. A part of me still has hope. A part of me loves this man so much that I cannot bear the thought of never having him. However, I do believe that is my reality. Jack is never going to love me the same way that I love him and I suspect that he never did. My love was never reciprocated back to me. So, this is me coping. This is me writing it down in hopes that it helps me process and let go. This is the story of how I broke and how I am rebuilding.

-bsue

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Toxic.

I’ve never lived in a healthy, stable environment. It’s like plucking weeds from a garden. Except no one does, so the flowers are unable to grow properly. I never want me or my home to be poisoned soil for my kids. It’s rare to find someone who’s had a good childhood. I don’t even know what classifies such. I hope they know comfort and safety in a way that I never did, and probably never will.

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