Todos alguna vez nos quedamos donde ya no éramos bienvenidos, pensando que todo mejoraría.
Alexander Alay.
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Now I’m empty. I have nothing to give to anyone. Except for talking about my pain. And since I realize that’s toxic, I’ve simply isolated.
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you didn't say sorry, not really. you said sorry only when i pushed about it, you said it like an afterthought, like - oh fine, if this is what you want. the apology was already tearing itself apart in the air. you said sorry, but you caused this. you said sorry you feel that way, i guess. you said: what else do you want me to say? you've already made up your mind to be angry about this.
you've moved on since then. i hope you found a therapist. i am stuck with all of the hurt you caused but - you've been working on yourself, on your multiple projects, on that beautiful life you live. happy - you look happier, lighter, free of all of it. you take artsy videos of yourself dancing; caption it - a friend recently abandoned me.
nobody else knows how hard you pushed. nobody else knows what you did. i am sure you tell everyone a version of the truth that makes out the best of you; turns me into a cold unfeeling bitch who just "doesn't understand" you. i am sure you leave out all the ways i gave you myself, over and over, for years. how many times before this you hurt me, crossed my boundaries, laid me bare - what you say to them about when i finally drew the line is - she is just being unfair.
sometimes i feel insane about it. i have to text my best friend, make sure that what-i-think-happened actually-happened. to double-check that i wasn't being a bad person. maybe i'm misremembering it. she often has to guide me back to the same two facts: beyond what any one person could reasonably expect, i gave you everything, and you still wanted more of it.
it makes me angry, when it doesn't make me sick. i force myself to journal about it. how fucked up it makes me, knowing your narrative will be the one that sticks - knowing you are out there, right now, making sure everyone listens. telling them how you are being targeted. how you, hurting me on purpose, making me feel small, ignoring my needs - how that was really my fault, in the end.
yesterday you made a post on instagram talking about how you used to feel guilty about something that had gone wrong in a relationship, but that you've freed yourself from those toxic idealisms. you said: i am not giving her the power to make me feel bad about my mistakes. i am just a human person - it's up to her if she wants to be the bigger person and actually forgive.
and i just sat there and thought: you haven't even actually apologized for it.
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Jean-Michel Basquiat, Madonna, Toxic and Easy Gee at the Fun Gallery in New York City, 1982-83.
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I’m no one’s favourite person. And no one wants to spend time with me. I’m sorry I’m so awful. It’s my fault. I wouldn’t want to spend time with me either.
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i think I'll never be able to have a normal and healthy relationship with anyone. maybe it's my fucked up brain and my twisted logic; I'll never believe someone genuinely wants nor loves me. it's impossible. I'm just an obligation. legally, emotionally or socially; I'm just the person they have to keep so gossips are avoided. this is not love, it never was. this is me confining you inside of my toxic environment
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they judge you for how you reacted but ignore how they triggered you.
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Yo pensaba: "Todo va a mejorar" Y al final si pasó, pero hasta que me solté de tus manos.
Alexander Alay.
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I saved a child from his toxic parents but in order to do that I had to fight his dad, who was Jotaro Kujo. I broke both my arms but me, my dad, and my dad's friend were able to defeat him and my family and I adopted the child and we lived happily ever after.
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i want to be madly in love again but also healthy in love this time, sanely in love this time,calmly in love this time and peacefully in love this time.
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Lamento mucho que te duela ver que ahora mi corazón le pertenece a alguien que no eres tú, pero chico, no tienes en cuenta que el año pasado yo quería todo contigo, y tú lo único que hiciste fue jugar con mi corazón hasta dejarlo hecho pedazos.
Euphoria.
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Dont be afraid of losing people. Be afraid of losing yourself trying to please everyone around you
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